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Vol. 5, Issue 3

The Black Sheep The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

fre con e...lik d o m e yo s. A ur r nd o too omm thb ate rus ’s h.

9/5/13 - 9/11/13

Policémon:

The Battle of Richmond’s Finest BY: Kalsey Hanratty Ladies and gentlemen, the match that will determine the undisputed champion of Richmond’s police forces is finally here! The Richmond Police deal with meth head and the occasional murderer, while the VCU Police keep the Compass clean of filthy, good for nothing jaywalkers. But which police force protects Richmond the best? We pitted the two forces against each other in a fight to determine who would win the battle of Richmond’s finest. Round 1: FIGHT! Richmond Police uses Drug Dealer against VCU’s Library Thief. Drug Dealer makes the first move, but he is unsteady, not certain what he is doing. He shuffles slowly past the Library Thief… oh, it’s a non-conspicuous drug deal ladies and gentlemen! Library Thief uses suspicion and looks around too much. Drug Dealer scolds Library Thief, reaches in his pocket and pulls out a Taser. Looks like this battle is over... BUZZ! And the Library Thief is down for the count! VCU Police loses this round; the thief was no match for the slinger of drugs. Who will they use next? Round 2: FIGHT! VCU Police uses a Traffic Violator against the Richmond Police’s Meth Addict. The Meth Addict approaches the ring, scratching at his face. Could he be making a subtle move? The Traffic Violator is nowhere to be seen, this could be a dull match ladies and gentlemen. The Meth Addict pulls out a shovel, ready for battle, or wait, he begins to dig at the ground. What could he be doing? A car horn is honking somewhere, this could be the Traffic Violator, but where is he? He is not coming in through his gate. Oh shit! There he is, coming in from the wrong side of the stadium! Should have expected that! He’s coming in fast, 70 miles per hour, at least. He’s getting close to the Meth Addict and looks like he just might ram this guy out of the ring. The Meth Addict looks up, but not toward the car, he walks toward the edge of the ring! VCU Police’s Traffic Violator is going too fast, he’s out of control and swerves into the Meth Addict’s hole! But where is the Meth Addict? On the sidelines, buying some meth, understandably. And it looks like Richmond Police takes this match by a hair. Or a nose. Or a bloody nose! Round 3: FIGHT! VCU Police throws out the biggest threat they have, which is just a Big Dude. What is his crime? We’re being informed he has multiple outstand-

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How to Get Cucci Mane to Stop Drinking Haterade Remember, you can’t spell gubernatorial without goober.

ing parking violations outside of the gym. Richmond Police responds with a Third-Degree Murderer, about 5 feet tall and skinny as a pool stick! Appearance-wise, it seems the VCU Police might take this one home. The two men stare each other down. This is getting suspenseful, ladies and gentlemen. Who will make the first move? Oh! VCU’s Big Dude pulls out his 10-pound dumbbell! He throws it at the murderer’s head and… he misses! The Murderer walks over to the Big Dude and whispers something

in his ear. He starts to laugh! The Big Dude is completely open, and, oh! Richmond Police’s Murderer stabbed the Big Dude in the heart, a direct hit! Well ladies and gentlemen, it looks like Richmond Police rams the VCU Police into the ground in this battle, no pun intended, or maybe it was. Good night, and until next time, remember to tip your policemen on the way out.

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Perfecting Your Power Nap

The Black Sheep Interviews: A Moped Bro

It’s a skill that won’t pay the bills, but a skill worth perfecting nonetheless.

• Keep Up With Us! • @BlackSheep_VCU • theblacksheeponline.com •

Well, it was more like an interrogation, but we needed some answers.


>> Table of Contents << page 4: High School Sweethearts still going strong >> Well, as far as they know. page 6: Top 10: RVA R&B Songs >> Have you ever felt like R. Kelly, trapped in a closet, but trapped in West Cary? We have. page 7: On the Streets >> If you had to compete in anything to save the human race from an alien invasion, what would you choose to compete in?

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page 10: Saints Row IV: A Keith David Story >> We address Keith David about playing his biggest role yet: Keith David, in Saints Row IV. page 11: We Interview: Kevin Viner: A Magician! >> No matter what you learn from this, always remember that a trick is something a whore does for money. page 12: Bartender of the week >> Ted from The Local says his favorite Mark in the whole wide world is his roommate Mark. Aww! page 13: VCU Student’s Miraculous Attendance Streak Finally Comes to an End >> “I had gotten cocky. I thought nothing could stop me.”

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#goodtimes

I secretly changed my name to your name...

... so when I tongue-kiss the mirror we are finally happening.

Seriously?

DON’T MESS AROUND WITH

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Tweet us your creepiest, most hilarious, most perverted, most raunchy (or all of the above) pick-up lines to @BlackSheep_VCU #BadTimesMan If yours proves to be the weirdest, you’ll win a prize and be featured in next week’s issue!

Word

Tweet Us @BlackSheep_VCU

Punchtuate The actual moment a fist meets a face, ending a fight. “Blake used his fist to punchtuate the fight after he had enough of Robert’s endless trash-talking."

of the

Week Guess The Mascot Tweet Us @BlackSheep_VCU First right answer wins a prize! Last Week’s Answer: UCF’s Knightro

The Black Sheep

Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @BlackSheep_VCU and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!

Friendly Chicago blues legend that would weep openly if compared to male Food Network face. Last Week’s Answer: Ma-Donna Summer


read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com

High School Sweethearts

Still Going Strong (as Far as They Know) By: black sheep staff

Three weeks into their now-long distance relationship, a high school couple who vowed to “make things work” in spite of attending two different universities claim that things are “still going well” and “could never be better” … as far as they know. With Katie going to Virginia Tech and Daniel at VCU, the pair who started their seven-month relationship during senior year at a suburban D.C. public high school figured that the threehour drive between each other would be “tough” at first but ultimately “worth the challenge.” It’s been theorized that Daniel was tenderly rubbing Katie’s shoulder when he first said this, following with a sweet peck on the cheek. “It’s just what feels right at this point in our lives, you know?” said Daniel, after getting settled into his room in Johnson Hall. “We both love each other very much and there’s no doubting we’ll need each other for support when the distance gets overwhelming. But at the same time, we both need to grow and experience college. Hopefully that’s something we can do together.” During his first few weeks at VCU, Daniel has blacked out for the first four times in his life, gotten high with his floormates on a nightly basis, made an ass out of himself pole dancing at a house party, fell face-first after pole dancing, received his first drinking ticket, and found himself knuckle-deep in a girl from the same high school who he’d never really talked to before despite sexual tension that’s totally been developing between them for years now. Katie and Daniel chat on Skype frequently in order to plan their bi-monthly visits with each other, which have since turned to once a month

“if they’re lucky,” since their schedules are getting “pretty hectic around this time of the year.” Roommates of the couple state that, when Skyping, Daniel and Katie lock their respective rooms for a few hours, likely masturbating to each other awkwardly with headphones on. When the two of them ask each other how their social lives have been, they both respond with something along the lines of: “It’s okay. I’ve gone out a few times, but they were nothing special … I miss you, though!”

Just last weekend, Katie visited Daniel for the first time since not seeing him for less than a month. Though they had the whole Richmond area at their disposal, Daniel did not take Katie to any restaurants or parties, since he found that scene “sort of obnoxious and immature,” to which Katie hesitantly agreed. Instead, Daniel treated her to dinner at the Ike, and the two of them walked hand-in-hand to the library to rent a nice Adam Sandler romantic comedy and two other animated movies they wouldn’t end up watching.

During Katie’s first few weeks at VT, she has had her eyes set on rushing several sororities, showed up to her ANTH 101 lecture hungover with her heels and wristband still on from the night before, Snapchatted nudes of herself to that sophomore living a few floors down from her, has incessantly bitched about her weird roommate who “never goes out because of anxiety or some bullshit,” and engaged in a threesome with a mystery man and who she thinks was another girl she met at a house party.

When Spanglish’s credits were rolling, Daniel’s roommate asked him if he wanted to pass his bottle of Burnett’s around for a couple swigs. Daniel looked at Katie, politely declined, and retorted saying, “Nah, it’s not really my thing, man.” Katie smiled, and the two looked into each other’s eyes with gigantic lumps in their throats for three straight hours talking about how they couldn’t imagine spending time with anyone else. Afterward, they walked to Taco Bell and talked about how much they hated “irritating drunk people” and how they were glad to both be “waiting until 21” to drink.

It’s also been reported that if Katie is approached at the bars by an unsightly guy, she will immediately pull the “sorry, I have a boyfriend” card to impede him from dry humping her leg like a neutered Pomeranian. If the guy is a solid 7.5 out of 10 or higher, she is said to forget that Daniel ever existed. “Daniel’s a really sweet guy,” said Katie after a two-and-a-half hour Skype sex session. “I know most people say that high school relationships don’t really work out in college, but I really can’t imagine what my life would be without a guy like him. Plus, it’s nice to have a mutual understanding of our freedoms so we don’t suffocate each other.”

After her departure, Katie wiped away her tears on the road before responding to her inbox filled to the brim with booty-call messages and textsupon-texts of “hey,” “hey were are u,” “no seriousl though i love you Karl,” “Katie* sorry im drunk ahahas,” and “hey can i get another tit pic ;)?” Daniel also took Katie’s leaving hard but licked his emotionally pussified wounds by spending the rest of the night on pornhub.com. After watching dozens of “WILD COLLEGE GIRLS PARTAKE MASSIVE ORGY”-titled videos, Daniel began to rethink his relationship with Katie upon seeing how “totally easy” college girls can be.


Follow us on twitter @BlackSheep_VCU

ne a m i c c u c t e G o t w o H

e d a r e t a h g n i k n i to stop dr

By: The Black Sheep

Virginia’s Lieutenant Governor, Ken Cuccinelli aka “Cucci Mane,” is in a heated battle with Terry McAuliffe for Virginia’s gubernatorial race. Cucci Mane is seen as a representative that is out of touch with voters, but he remains steadfast on pushing rhetoric that oppresses women and members of the LGBT community. Remember, you can’t spell gubernatorial without goober. In 2003, The Supreme Court of the United States decided in the case of Lawrence v. Texas that a state cannot regulate the sexual activities of consenting adults. However, Cucci Mane thinks SCOTUS is full of blowjobbing nincompoops and he wants to bring back Virginia’s own archaic anti-sodomy law. This law would ban oral and anal sex in the commonwealth, and anyone convicted of committing these acts would be labeled a sex offender — so know that you, dear reader, should be in jail right now for what you did last Friday. We don’t understand why anyone would think Cucci Mane is out of touch (cough, sarcasm), but it seems that Cucci Mane is only about that coochie. He must be stopped before he forever destroys everything we hold dear and freaky, which of course is our right to control our own sexual, albeit sometimes deviant, imaginations.

Fortunately, VCU has just the demographic to bring dear ol’ Coochin-Hellie to his senses. RVA’s fondue pot of students will surely open his eyes to a world of unlimited spectrum, a world of free love... a world with ear gauges. You know all of these old, pizza crusty politicians will do anything to appeal to the youth vote, even if it means pulling a Bill Gluckman from Malibu’s Most Wanted. But instead of pretending to dunk atop the heads of black men, it would be much easier for the Kenster to stop by Ram Central for a chill Q & A with the students. And by Q&A, we mean Quaaludes and Alcohol! Oh yes, a quick meeting with molly and the good ol’ guv’na will be feeling quite liberal. He’ll be liberally doing keg stands on the roof of the Siegel Center, liberally peeing on graffiti slathered walls, and liberally getting his junk tossed like Bryson Lang at an amateur juggler convention. Politicians work hard to make sure nothing productive gets done. All that assbackwardsness has got them yearning for backed up ass! It’s obvious that Cucci Mane has some pent up sexual frustration, which is why he’s taking a black Sharpie to the Kama Sutra. So what better place to release that tension than on the lower back of RVA’s city limits? There is a ring of rage havens surrounding VCU, from Oregon Hill to the Fan. The many apartments that make up this circle provide ample spots for people to go and jerk their bodies around — a jerk

circle, if you will. Once he’s got a few spirits in his system, Ken will no doubt join the circle, the Circle of Trife. And when the night has shifted to day, when Ken Cooch wakes up, pulls his face out of a girl’s buttcrack, and wipes the jungle juice vomit off his shoes, he’ll realize what a freaking awesome night he had. He’ll realize that sex is to be explored, not tailored to fit anyone’s political agenda. He’ll realize that people like to have fun, no matter what you look like or who you’re into. Hopefully he’ll start to change his stance once he has the time of his life in the R of VA. Remember, don’t knock it ‘til you try it. You might want to knock it all night long!

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Perfecting your power nap

The

Top

Ten

RVA R&B Songs By: Lo Mein Special

It’s okay to be overly emotional. That’s what keeps us at The Black Sheep so thick and cuddly. Here’s a list of potential R&B songs that VCU students could sob and/or have sex to. 10.) “Trapped in West Cary” (“Trapped In The Closet”): Twelve o’ clock at night and my annoying ringtone wakes me. I’m stretching and yawning in my grandma’s old hooptie. (OOOOH) Turn my head round. (OOOOH) Oh God, what’s that sound? (OOOOH) I race to the exit (OOOOH) The gate’s coming down...down...down...

By: Sabrina Fuller Being back at VCU means there’s no rest for the wicked this semester. If you’re not hitting up house parties multiple times a week, you’re keeping it G and studying at Cabell. The hours you clock outside of your room can really start adding up after the first few weeks back, and by now you may start to feel your energy levels plummet. Not to mention you’ve fallen behind in your classes because you live in a constant state of meh-maybe-later. You’re about as close to rock bottom as SpongeBob and you need some help, stat. It’s time for you to consider embracing the power behind the power nap. The first thing you need to do is scope out a spot on campus to lay your head. Our first suggestion is the top floor of the Commons. The windows provide warm pools of sun to catnap inside of, and the dull roar of campus activity provides a nice white noise. Excuse us, Caucasian noise. No racism here. If you’re more of a silent, occasional-erection-whilenapping type, consider the privacy of a study room. If you live in a dorm you know the study rooms only get actual use during midterms, finals, and last-resort late night sex rooms on the weekend. Any other time they’re downright desolate. Take advantage of this and plop down on one of those comfy couches that have definitely maybe probably been washed in the last ten years.

need to properly jam it into your daily schedule. Taking a 15-minute micronap before a tough class might recharge you enough to get through it., but taking an hour-long nap beforehand will leave you zombified. This will ruin your day faster than an email from financial aid. Plan accordingly. Think about how much time you need to turn your head battery from red to green. A micronap is usually used when you weren’t fully able to wake up in the morning and you need a little extra juice, so pretty much every day. Choose your time, then prepare for the after-nap. How are you going to wake up? If you have a love affair with your snooze button, you may want to consider setting multiple alarms. For example: set 4 different alarms 5 minutes apart; name Alarm 1 “5 minutes left”, Alarm 2 “You overslept, brah,” Alarm 3 “ You don’t have time to brush your teeth now, ya nasty!” Alarm 4 “Wake the hell up!” and so on. If you’re in one of the aforementioned public spaces, hire a bum to shake you awake; it’s a proven method and will snap your right back into ninja-like focus!

If you’re a nature lover at heart, there are multiple courtyards on campus that might tickle your fancybone. You can sop up the last few weeks of sun and also enjoy the relaxing, sweaty aroma of the fall Richmond air. If none of these places are doing it for you, then just go for the obvious, and perhaps least sexed-up choice — your own twin XL!

This power napping thing can be really easy as long as you know what you’re doing. But before you schedule a 20-minute siesta, remember a few things. First, be aware of how much time you have to get to class. A nap will do you no good if you gotta drain the tank while running to class because you’re late. Also, don’t rely on naps as a permanent solution to pulling all-nighters. At some point you’re going to have to actually, you know, sleep. And most importantly, don’t schedule a nap during your least favorite class. It may be super tempting to post up in the back of a Temple lecture hall but you can’t give in. Your grades will thank you!

Once you know where you’ll be speed-sleeping, you

Now go get your beauty rest.

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9.) “Shafer Time” (“Bump & Grind”): My mind’s tellin’ me “NO!” But my tummy, my TUMMY’s tellin’ me “YES!” I don’t see nothin’ wrong...with a little Shafer Time... I don’t see nothin’ wrong... oooh baby. 8.) “Good WiFi” (“Say Goodbye”): There’s never a right time for good wifi. But I gotta click on Safenet, cuz if I don’t I’m gonna be waitin, see. See I really can’t stream the way I once did without you, I need my MP3s, I gotta gotta figure out the right speed, whoa... 7.) “Irregaugeable” (“Irreplaceable”): You must not know bout’ me, you must not know bout’ me. I can have another hoop by tomorrow, so don’t you ever for a second get to thinkin’, you’re irregaugeable. 6.) “All I Want Is Food” (“All I Want Is You”): All I want is food, oh all I want is food, now. All I want is food now (sugar), now all my swipes gone, gone, gone... 5.) “Get Rowdy” (“Get Lucky”): We’ve walked too far, to walk back to our cars, so let’s go too far, pump our fists to the stars. We’re here tonight for good fun, your teams about to get sonned, VCU is number one, the Rams are here to get Rowdy, the Rams are here to get Rowdy... 4.) “4 A.M.” (“4 A.M.”): It’s 4 A.M. and I’m listenin’ to my iPod...I could really go for some IHOP... Eatin’ pancakes in my roommate’s bed… 3.) “Oh, Cabi? You’re On Your Own” (“Just Hold On, We’re Going Home”): Cuz you’re a good girl and you know it, yeah I know you, you want me. I’m feeling high love and emotion, endlessly. I know you, you see us together, I feel it deep inside. Where do you live baby girl, need a ride? Oh Cabi? You’re on your, your own. Oh Cabi? You’re on your own. Your own, ho ho... 2.) “Inside Snead” (“In Those Jeans”): Class is full, pretty tight. Tell me, is there anymore room for me... Inside Snead? 1.) “Taco Bell” (“Holy Grail”): You take Chalupas out my bag, and I watch you eat em’ I still don’t know why... why it tastes so damn good. And baby, it’s amazing, I’m in this line with you, to watch my taco fold. You yell ‘cause they’re out of Fire Sauce, better eat ‘fore it turns cold. One day you care, sometimes you don’t share, I just saw a hair, it’s so unfair... sippin’ Baja Blast ‘til it runneth over...Taco Bell.


Around campus Send us your party pics from around campus to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

on the Streets If you had to compete in anything to save the human race from an alien invasion, what would you choose to compete in?

ior Kim M., Sen

“Dance, because I’ve been dancing all my life.”

o p h o m o re Jordan T., S

“Arguing, because I’m a bitch and I always win.”

p h o m o re Grace P., So

Something’s getting tapped, am I right?!

“Beer pong, because I’m good at it and I would win.”

07


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The black sheep interviews: By: kevin wise The Black Sheep recently had the chance to cover a very serious issue. An issue you may not have been aware of. It’s Moped Bros. They’ve had it with societal condemnation. A young man should be able to have a totally sweet time on the back of his bro’s sick moped without fear of being judged. But nothing’s being done to quell this aforementioned judgment, and one brave, young man has had enough. He agreed to an interview with The Black Sheep to make aware the plight of the Moped Bros., and we couldn’t be more thrilled. In this interview, he will remain anonymous, of course. But we will say his name rhymes with…Bravis. The Black Sheep: Hey, [redacted]. How’ve you been? Anonymous Moped Bro: I’ve been doing pretty good. Really, just a great week all around. This room smells kinda funny, though. TBS: That’s great. So, [redacted], let’s get to brass tacks. What exactly is a “Moped Bro” to you? AMB: Excuse me? TBS: The term “Moped Bro.” Does it resonate with you? AMB: I mean, like, sometimes my friend, [redacted], gives me a ride to school on his moped, if that’s what you mean. He drives; I ride in the back. We do it to save on a bit of gas. What are we doing here?

A moped bro TBS: Uh-huh. And how does that make you feel? AMB: Huh? TBS: Do you feel subjugated? Patronized by society? You must be so ashamed. AMB: What? TBS: It’s okay. You have nothing to be afraid of. You’re not alone anymore. AMB: Guy, I don’t know what you’re talking about. TBS: Well, I can see that the subject is a bit…personal for you. That’s fine. It’s perfectly normal to be defensive at a time like this. Let’s move on. When did you realize you were a Moped Bro? AMB: I’m still not totally sure what that means. TBS: It means the injustice being directed towards you is pungent. We’re not going to stand for that. We’re here to help. AMB: I don’t want your help. I want to get out of here. Get this light out of my face. TBS: Wait, [redacted]! We need you for this. There are so many out there just like you. They need you; someone to stand up for them! If you don’t stop this madness, who will? AMB: Again, I’m still not clear on what the “madness” is.

TBS: Why, the subjugation and objectification of Moped Bros.! Surely that’s why you agreed to this interview. To help put a stop to it. AMB: I thought this was a sleep study. TBS: We’ll get to that later. AMB: I just want to go home. TBS: I think you’ll find that quite difficult with the thrice locked door. AMB: What? TBS: And the room being windowless and all. AMB: Oh, my god. You’re actually insane.

TBS: I will flay you! AMB: Jesus, man!

TBS: Hey! Don’t you judge me! I bust my ass trying to help you and your kind and this is the thanks I get? The goddamn stink-eye? AMB: Dude, you’re scaring me.

TBS: Sorry, went back to Bad way too quickly. AMB: Really, I just want to go home. TBS: But…I can’t go back to HQ with nothing. They might actually flay me. AMB: Well, I’m really sorry man –

TBS: You’re damn right I am. This is Bad Cop. Want me to go back to Good? AMB: Look, guy, I’m sure you’re super chill and all, but…I think there’s a bit of a misunderstanding here.

TBS: Just… give me a quote. Give me something! AMB: Uh, leave the Moped Bros. alone?

TBS: What’s to misunderstand? You’re a bro and also you ride on a moped with your bro. You’re a Moped Bro. AMB: Yeah, but…I guess I didn’t really think about –

There you have it folks, right from the mouth of our anonymous source. Your assortment of apathy and contempt for the Moped Bros. is literally killing them. This problem ends with you. Please, let the Moped Bros. go.


Saints Row IV: A Keith David Story By: Kevin Wise Keith David has been a hero in the American eye for quite some time now. Whether it be from his motion picture debut in Disco Godfather, to his more modern portrayal of a hard-boiled cop in My Mom’s New Boyfriend, David has made audiences laugh and cry worldwide. But, truly, dear reader, Keith David has outdone himself this time. His more recent outing in the realm of entertainment has been in the recently-released Saints Row IV. Starring Keith David. As Keith David. Hey reader, sorry, this isn’t for you. Yeah, we know you picked up the paper and all, and this is in the paper, but we were hoping a copy would float Keith David’s way, and you are most certainly not Keith David. We just want to talk to Keith for a minute. Just a second. Go play with your Pogs or something. Keith, hi, it’s The Black Sheep. How’ve you been? Good, we hope. We’ve been doing alright ourselves, trying to be funny and stuff. Yeah, the kids are great, thanks for asking. Uh, but also, we were wondering: WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? It’s not going to get better than this, Keith! You’ve single-handedly doomed your career. What’s that smell, Keith? What does that smell like to you? Yeah, that’s unemployment! Get used to it. That’s going to be wafting around for a while now. You consciously decided to play the part of yourself as vice president to a president that was a former thug. That’s the role of a lifetime! And that’s just ignoring how badass your character, you, is in the first place. “Keith David: Vice President who has super powers and likes to tear shit up but also has a sensitive side and flaws just like everyone else.” It doesn’t roll of the tongue, but by God, Keith! You can’t just sit here and think you’re going to get away with this. Fans will never want a follow-up to this part; it would be blasphemous. You appeal to every facet of the emotional spectrum here, Keith! It’s like, in getting this role, all of the planets aligned and every single one of them has your face painted on it. No one’s going to give you the disservice of even trying to follow that shit up.

“You consciously decided to play the part of yourself as vice president to a president that was a former thug. That’s the role of a lifetime!” Let’s make this perfectly clear: You’ve done good. You play yourself really, really well in Saints Row IV. There is literally no one else we’d rather have play Keith David but you, Keith David. But this is the end of the road, friend. This is the peak. You’ve upped yourself in every single way. Now, it’s totally possible that you’d think that’s a good thing; that you’re pushing your limits. Well, you have. All the way. Nobody’s going to want any more Keith David because there’s nothing else to get. You’ve done it all, and Saints Row IV was the straw that broke that damn camel. And, honestly

Keith, you’ve been skirting this for quite some time; the attainment of the quintessential Keith David performance, we mean. Some thought you might have pulled it off as the Flame King in Adventure Time, but they were all stoned. Others claimed that your performance as Not-Riddick in The Chronicles of Riddick was your swan song, but then Vin Diesel snapped all of their necks. You never did thank Vincent for that, did you? You should probably do that. Get in touch with him before the darkness of anonymity sets in. Look, Keith, you’re a great guy. You’ve got a winning smile and a dulcet, golden voice. God, that voice. But that’s precisely the problem. By playing yourself in what is arguably the Citizen Kane of videogames… where do you go from there? America (and everywhere else) doesn’t want a more perfect piece. They’re happy with what they got. And, boy, you cut it close before. Remember Mass Effect? How hard that was? People loved Captain Anderson. Your portrayal of the beloved captain and the bacchanal of alien sex in the games made the series a near classic. Just one problem: BioWare made it impossible for the player to get busy with Captain Anderson. Yes, we know, that was extremely upsetting. Seriously, Mass Effect! We’re pretty sure you could have sex with a jellyfish in that game. The injustice on the part of the developers was inexcusable in the eyes of series fans, and the resulting outcry was palpable. We both know what happened to BioWare afterwards. It’s best not to talk about it. Then Volition, the creator of the Saints Row series, picked up the slack in the fourth iteration of their game and allowed the player to woo you, Keith “Motherfuckin’” David. Of course, you refuse the player’s advances, but at least the option is presented. Unfortunately, this means you’ve got nothing left. Once you’ve been offered virtual sex by a player that is most likely some amalgamation of animal cruelty and weird-smelling alcohol, your career has nowhere to go but down. Or, in your case, nowhere at all. It’s like you think people liked Cloud Atlas! Keith, you can’t fall back on that. Tell us, how many dildo bats did Cloud Atlas have? Huh? None of us saw Cloud Atlas, but we’re going to guess very few at best. Saints Row has that in spades. Dildo bats are, like, its hobby. Every punch line in that game is a dildo bat. And it’s that kind of Grade-A humor that made yours a household name, and then immediately banished it into obscurity.

Disco Godfather

We’re sorry, Keith, but you really did this to yourself. By accepting and successfully playing such a perfect role, you’ve ruined the rest of your life. Movies can’t take you back. Video games certainly won’t take you back. Really, they’re doing you a favor. Better to be snuffed out as a brilliant flame than as a dying spark.

My Mom’s New Boyfriend


The Black Sheep Interviews

A Magician! The Black Sheep: How did you first get interested in magic, and what led to it becoming your career? Kevin Viner: From the time I was five years old I knew the direction I wanted to go. By the time I was eight or nine it was still what I wanted to do, so as far as I can remember it's been a passion of mine. TBS: What did you focus on when you were in school, knowing all you wanted to be was a magician? Kevin: Sports and everything came really easy to me because I realized that if I studied and worked hard it freed up time to do other things. I went to UC Irvine and studied math, because even though I'm in entertainment, I do a lot of corporate events. People have this misconception about being a magician, magic’s going to get you all the girls, magic’s going to be amazing and all this stuff. In corporate America people hear I’m a magician and think I do magic because it was my only choice, instead of thinking about how I do magic because I enjoy it. I knew I needed an education, because if you're performing for a room full of executives and can't hold your own, it's really detrimental. TBS: Did you start as an apprentice, or did you read books? How did you learn the trade? Kevin: I read a lot of books. My parents would take me down to the magic shop and pick up a lot of books when I was a kid, and I would study them front to back. And as my reading level increased, the more books I read. I didn't have a "mentor" until a few years ago. The guy works with Harvard and MIT doing lectures, but his day job is a magician. He's been really helpful these last few years in refining my act, but other than that it was really self-taught. TBS: Is there some sort of magician union, or is it every man for himself? Kevin: There’s a place in Hollywood called the Magic Castle, which is sort of a mecca for magicians. I started going to the Magic Castle when I was probably fifteen for classes and performing. I would go up there once month and meet with a young fraternity of other magicians who were interested in the same things. I met a lot of friends and learned from other people, but at the same time, I almost felt a little ostracized from the group because we didn’t share a whole lot of interests outside of magic. I tend to rely on myself now, because I've been doing it long enough that I don't need to learn any new grand ideas, since I know my base routines and can improvise off that. I used to hang out with a lot of magicians, but now I really hang out with five to ten really close friends who are in the magic community. TBS: Are there things you want to do in your act that you might not have the financial backing for? Kevin: It's very similar to any start-up company because you have to spend money to make money. So you could sit down with an idea and know you can do the trick, but will a corporation pay for you to do the extra trick? So if I have an idea that I know people would spend another $10,000 for, then sure I'd spend that money to get a return on that investment.

This week we interviewed Kevin Viner, a magician, because outside of Gob we really don’t know what it’s like to be a full-time magic man. Kevin primarily performs at corporate events, does some college mind-reading tours, and can be reached on Twitter at @KevinViner and OfficialKevinViner on Facebook. No matter what you learn from this, always remember that a trick is something a whore does for money.

By: Brendan and Quinn

TBS: So, how much of your time is spent on working up new ideas, as opposed to performing? Kevin: That really depends on the day or week, like right now I'm in this crazy creative mode since during summer a lot of stuff tends to die down with both the corporate and college crowds. Then going into the winter things get crazy again. I've got companies booking me ahead of time for repeat business, so I don't need to focus on that side of things. A lot of the job is just a lot of reading and researching, hoping an idea will come to you, since you can get sort of a writer's block on ideas. TBS: What happens when something goes wrong? Kevin: When stuff happens — and it does, that's just a fact — there's not a lot you can do. Fortunately my style of performing lends itself well to this, but if you're David Copperfield and you're on stage and you really mess up a trick, you’re kind of shit out of luck. I do a lot of comedy on stage too, so my approach is if I can treat the audience to a good laugh after something doesn't work right, the more they're going to be on my side and they won't care. A well-placed one-liner improvised on the spot is always a pretty good cover-up. TBS: When you see other magicians do their tricks, is it easy for you to know what they're doing, or is there an aura of mystery still? Kevin: I pretty much know exactly what's going on since magicians are doing riffs on the same things. The stuff that fools me the most (and this is the same with audiences) is unexpected stuff. So if you know if a lady is going to float you're looking for strings or whatever, but if instead the lady turns into two ladies and then they disappear, you're caught off guard and it's a lot less likely that you'll figure it out. So that's an advantage magicians have in performing for regular audiences, we call them lay people, they don't know what's coming most of the time -- even with classic tricks. TBS: How often do you encounter unruly audience members? Kevin: Some people just want their voice to be heard because they're a high powered lawyer in LA, don't pay attention, and just want to be an alpha dog in the room; these guys don't really bother me, I can handle them pretty well. I've learned from a lot of different stand up comics on how to maintain character, shut the heckler up, and keep the audience on my side. So when it comes to hecklers, I’m able to get them to settle down by being really nice to them in the beginning, figure out a way to deflect or involve them, and then slowly get meaner and meaner as the situation allows, and as the audience turns against them as well. TBS: What is the hierarchy in magic, how do you go from a stage performer to having TV specials or Vegas specials, things like that? Kevin: First, it's a jump you really have to want. If you go to Vegas to do a show you'd need a talent promoter to bring you in, or you’d have to rent the theater and market it out yourself — and those shows almost always fail. If you really want to start doing TV you have to make yourself known in LA and around the Magic Castle. I have a talent agent as well as being part of different casting agencies.

You also have to realize in the big showrooms you won't necessarily be making as much money. There's two paths to take: the business approach where you go after weddings and the corporate events, that's where the money is, and you'll be able to make $5060 grand in a year and work your way up to six figures even. But if you want to make it big time, you do the Vegas night club circuit and the comedy clubs that only pay $100 a night, and it's a grind, so you've got to want it badly. That stuff doesn't really interest me as much because I like doing the corporate events, so it's doubtful you'll ever see my name on a Vegas billboard. TBS: When you see the big magicians do they have access to resources that put them on another level? Kevin: Let's take David Blaine, and look at his special — you see him do the routine where he walks up to random strangers and asks their name. Then all of a sudden a taxi cab drives by with the name painted on the side. The thing is, there's more to that picture, which I won't get into, but there's more to that picture than what you're seeing, so with that stuff I know what's going. But then there's stuff that's just like, you know what's going on, barring some CGI work I know what's going on, how it works, and sometimes it's freakin' brilliant! I take most issue when a performer is levitating, and on TV you see them go four feet off the ground, but live the spectators are only seeing them go three inches off the ground. Now the spectator's reaction is real, but for the people at home it is much different. To me, that's when it gets a little stupid. Don't do that, have a better skill set to do better magic. But then the question becomes who wouldn't do the same thing? You can't really complain about someone who has a multimillion-dollar TV contract calling the shots.


Bartender of the Week Relationship Status: In a Relationship Major: Poly Science/Criminal Justice Favorite drink: Bourbon Favorite shot: Bourbon Disgusting drink: Dirty sanchez Where would you rather be right now?: I’d rather just be at home honestly. What drink is the biggest pain in the ass to make?: Dirty bong water. Who is your favorite Mark?: My roommate.

Ted of The Local

When and where was the last time you involuntarily saw someone naked?: Outside my apartment the other day I caught people having sex next to the dog park.

If you could be a mythical creature, what would it be?: A dragon, so I could fly and breathe fire. What do you think those corporate fat cats are up to?: Spending all my hard earned money. Describe how you feel about yourself in five words: I am pretty fucking awesome. Do you think you could take a bobcat in a fight?: Definitely, have you seen my beard? What TV show are you most excited to have back?: Breaking Bad or Eastbound & Down. Describe this bar in hashtags.: #Bourbonshots #PBR #Green Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it’s a great publication.

Recipe for disaster

Drinking Game Liar’s Dice

Big Boy Chili

We all lie, whether it’s to our parents as to why we’re so tired, or to our friends as to why making out with that uggo was a totally reasonable thing to do. Translate that love for deceit into a game of gambling: Liar’s Dice.

It’s football season, bitches. If you’re not out standing in the stadium, cheering on your team like a MAN, then you better be inside in front of the TV with a six pack and a tub of chili. Oh, no chili? We got you covered.

What You’ll Need: Six dice per player, one opaque cup per player, some beer. Number of Players: 2+ Level of Intoxication: You’ll be asking what’s the haps on the craps (in your pants). How to Play: • The object of the game is to be the last player with any dice left. • Each player rolls a die. The highest score will be the first person to act for the first hand. Each hand first to act rotates left of this person. • Now, each player uses the cup to shake up his or her dice. Each player places the cup top-down on the table. Each player secretly looks at his dice. Twos through sixes are worth face value. Ones are wild. • The first player to act must make a bet on the number and quantity of the set of dice on the table. For example, a bettor can claim “there are four sixes at the table.” • The player to the left of the first bettor may do one of three things: • Increase the number of total dice on the table (raising four sixes to seven sixes, for example). • Increase the dice value (Raise three twos to three threes). • Challenge (Stop play, dice are revealed to see if the most recent bettor wins or loses). • If a challenge occurs and there are equal or greater numbers of dice on the table than the last bettor (including wilds), he or she wins. If there is less than the total number of gambled dice on the table, the challenger wins. • The loser of the challenge removes a die and drinks for three seconds. The Game Ends When: Only one player has any dice left. Great, you won. Now head to confession, sinner.

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What You’ll Need: Oil, a crockpot, a frying pan, ground beef, a can of diced tomatoes, 4 cans of kidney beans, a can of tomato paste, chopped onions, a can of beef broth, chili powder, sliced hot dogs, brown sugar and garlic. Cook Time: About 3 hours, be patient. Fatty Factor: MEN DON’T COUNT CALORIES. Let’s Get Baked: • In the frying pan, break up and cook the ground beef in a little oil until it is browned. • Turn on your crockpot to medium heat and add in the beef and hot dog slices with the tomatoes, tomato paste, half of your beans and beef broth. • Cover the pot and let the chili simmer for about an hour. • Add in the remainder of ingredients (the other half of the beans, onion, chili powder, brown sugar and garlic) and continue to let the chili cook on the low setting, covered for another hour and half. • Taste test! Make sure it’s hot and flavored nicely. If not, make the adjustments. YOU BETTER HAVE YOUR WOMAN MAKE THIS FOR YOU.

nomnomnomnom theblacksheeponline.com


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VCU Student’s Miraculous Attendance Streak

Finally Comes To An End By: Black Sheep Staff Jimmy Rippert, a VCU junior, spent his first two years on campus living in relative obscurity, amassing a meager GPA of 2.21 and a record of attendance described as “dismal.” This semester, however, with nothing but a little hard work and a can-do attitude… and yes, a large incentive from his father, Earl Rippert, he captured the fascination of the entire student body with an attendance streak lasting for two whole weeks. Rippert had reportedly made a solemn vow to himself that, despite his previous mediocrity in the classroom, this year, he would change his errant ways. “If my father is willing to buy me a car if I can get above a 3.5 this semester, I don’t see any reason why I shouldn’t go for it,” said Rippert. “And the first step to achieving that car-- I mean goal-- is to attend class every day.” During his incredible streak, Rippert reportedly battled a plethora of trials and tribulations, such as hungover Friday morning classes, a late-night lab that interfered with “an epic pregame,” and even a class that caused him to miss 3 innings of the Little League World Series Finals. As impressive as Rippert’s streak was, what is even more extraordinary is the way in which students caught wind of the act, inspired to heights that were previously thought to be unreachable. “I thought I was wasting my time trying to perfect thermonuclear fusion,” said graduate student Guy Lopresti. “But if that slob can get his lazy ass out of bed and into class for two consecutive weeks, I should be able

to finish thermonuclear fusion in a matter of minutes.” Lopresti is not the only one to be affected by Rippert’s inspiring story. “I walked into the room and it was shocking, a completely full classroom on a Friday. Usually I don’t even show to class on Friday because I know I’ll be teaching to an empty room again,” said Professor Dylan Goulding, who teaches three sections of electrical engineering. It was as if Rippert’s determination had grown like a terrible virus and infected the entire school with a hard-working attitude.” Unfortunately, like all good things, Rippert’s streak eventually came to an end. By the time the two-week mark hit, Rippert’s ego had blown up to dangerous levels of pompous narcissism, he felt invincible. It was in this moment of vulnerability that a perfect storm hit him like a freight train in the form of a 21st birthday celebration that was to take place at Cary Street’s karaoke night. “I had gotten cocky,” said Rippert. “I thought nothing could stop me. Then my friend told me he had signed us up to sing ‘Bohemian Rhapsody,’ a terrible karaoke choice. I mean, it goes on for like 8 minutes. And I’m not gonna sing an 8 minute karaoke ballad even semi-sober, so I had no other option but to get insanely drunk. I woke up the next day at 12:15p.m., 3 hours after my classes had started. My dreams were shattered. On Wednesday, September 4th, the streak that had made me a god was over.”

In the end, Rippert was only human. He had made it two weeks before his inevitable failure. But in this time of mourning, it’s important to remember what the streak taught us all: anything is possible. With enough hard work and/or incentivization, any one of us could show up in miraculous quantities, lasting three, or someday even four weeks. That is, if his story is to be believed. Rippert’s roommate, Will Harrison, has reportedly gone on record saying that Rippert is “Completely full of shit. I literally watched him sleep through his Physics class on only the third day of his alleged streak. What a dick.”


spot the difference

Can you find the 10 differences in this tailgating scene? Send your answers to classtime@theblacksheeponline.com - the first right answer gets a prize!


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m.a.s.h. Best Man: - Rick Ross - Ricky Gervais - Rick Rubin - Ricky Martin

Topic of Speeches: - Twerking - Fracking - Vomiting - Sunbathing

Honeymoon Destination: - Dollywood - Legoland - Disney World - Six Flags Mexico

Maid of Honor: - Beyonce - Eve - Adele - Madonna

Main Entree: - Doritos Locos Tacos - McDonald’s $1 Menu - Wendy’s Frosties - $5 Footlongs

Mode of Transportation - Crab walk - Segway - Skateboard - Roller skates

Celebrity Performer: - Public Enemy - Paul Reubens - Passion Pit - Paul Simon

Type of Keg Beer: - Nitro milk stout - Natty Ice - Red Stripe - O’Douls Non-Alcoholic

Bonding Adventure: - EDM Festival - Reading 50 Shades of Grey - Freeing zoo animals - Matching Obama tattoos

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your future How to Play: Dash some lines until someone, or your brain, tells you to stop. Take the number of lines and go down the list, and cross off every time you get to your numbers. Where there is one left in each category, that is your future. Yeah, you remember this from elementary school - don’t pretend like you don’t.

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VCU - Issue 3 - 9/5/2013