The Black Sheep
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Volume 4, Issue 3 • 1/31/13 - 2/6/13
Why VCU Homecoming Will Suck This Year
and The ensuing Havoc
Olivia Talbott wrote this
At VCU, homecoming is not just about fun, community, or even the abuse of alcohol. VCU’s homecoming is about making our partially literate basketball team out to be the gods that they will never be in the real world, freezing our ass off, looking at shitty graffiti on our windows, gawking at the bunch of Regina George meets Rihanna looking wannabes wearing as little of whatever shirts they can get away with, and the pathetic reality of the only decent homecoming event we ever cared about, the Chill and Grill. The truth of the matter is, it doesn’t matter. We VCU students are a resilient bunch. Even though our student population isn’t exactly intelligent enough to know one of the three most used definitions for havoc; we know that homecoming this year will literally reek of havoc, which we will stand by appropriately, with our bottle, our pride, and some good old grade school mocking to get us through. Let’s start with the homecoming ritual most closely related to the Kim Kardashian program of VCU, the window painting. A reminder to those unaware of the festivities that, no matter what kind of hipster misfits we are, VCU still celebrates a traditional, ceremonious event of college. You walk through the Compass booking heat, and just look at that professional art on the windows! One would think that at a respected liberal art school like VCU students would be able to create respectable art. Or art that doesn’t pose concern that Richard Simmons with horns represents our school mascot. The worst part about the my-sorority/fraternity/club’s-ego-is-bigger-than-yours graffiti on the windows? Our student population clogging up traffic in the Commons to stop and witness the color puked up on the window. Then there’s the lip-sync event. Nothing says “plethora of scantily clad girls with daddy issues” like this one. We can imagine that the girls spend all week working to make their t-shirt, jeans combo into one that subtly says “I had never read a book until I read 50 Shades of Grey three times.” The battle commences and the girl that looks as if she would be the most comfortable working in a nail salon by day, and sliding down a pole by night, wins. The creative genius of the group receives almost an equal nod in respect to her great skill in cutting more holes in her shirt than the rest. The dancing is intended to be erotic, but appears mostly as a desperate bid for her next prospect of fraternity boyfriend that just might make enough money one day for her to continue living the mindless life that ambitious girls like her only dream about. Groups of more dullards do their very best to portray big time, equally moronic rappers, pop singers, and whoever the flavor of the month is. The obviously innovative yutz that is brilliant enough to wear sunglasses receives widespread cheers and attention.
Puppy Bowl Renovations
Mid-week brings the Blood Drive which makes the Commons feel like a hospital. Thursday brings the “Block Party,” that might have been more appropriately named, “The Gathering of Freshman With Too Much Time.” A$AP Rocky, obviously the most well known of the homecoming performers, will perform on Friday. Saturday the sun’s insidious humor will appear in one of two ways. Either shining incredibly bright, laughing at the hangovers we achieved Friday night (in response to our disappointment in this A$AP character), or disappearing hysterically so that we may drink more and find ourselves drunk on a side street, mid-day. Either way, it’s destined to be a hoot hollerin’ good time despite being bombarded with horrific Greek and Club only elitism with the thrilling premiere of a homecoming parade. Those of us excited to suck down that bottle of Jack, Smirnoff, wine, or case of beer and pack on twelve layers in order to stand on the side of the street beneath the “representatives” of our school, looking up
with disgust, accepting off brand gum and milk chocolate hurled at our heads, will really enjoy this event. By the time we get to the game, the only event that most students even know about, someone should be just drunk enough to fall down the stairs. Many of these someones will be brilliant enough to continue drinking and enjoy the after parties. A few Sarahs may hook up with that skeezy guy that everyone hates, right in front of you. Maybe a ridiculous Joe or two will take a dare to stand outside without clothes on, get locked out and arrested. Sunday morning most of homecoming will feel like a distant memory. Events of the following night, and for many, even Friday night, will be lost memories. The only remnant left will be the smell. Sunday morning’s light will wake us up and a loud consensus between us will resound. This apartment reeks of havoc.
Top 10: Homecoming Essentials
The Vultures of VCU
Animal Planet wants to boost its annual Puppy Bowl ratings. May we suggest more bloodlust?
Make sure you’re prepared for any situation by having these ten things on you at all times.
Girls rule, boys drool, end of story.
contents page 5: Back in the Swing of Writing Papers
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? email@example.com
Or, back to doing what you do best procrastinate.
page 6: An open letter to vcu athletes on the subject of catfishing Donâ€™t get hooked. Technically, you use a spear on catfish, but that doesnâ€™t lend itself to a tidy metaphor.
pages 7: from the streets who would you really like to just punch in the face?
page 12: bartender of the week Heather from City Dogs is not about to serve you a Ding A Ling.
page 13: The Superbowl: One Nation Under Bey Who knew there was a sports game in between a Beyonce performance?
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2013 Puppy Bowl Renovations Forrest Fire wrote this The Animal Planet is here to flip the script on this puppy love shit. Animal Planet has one goal and only one goal in mind: to surpass the Super Bowl in both ratings and viewers. In previous years, the Puppy Bowl appealed mostly to an audience of little girls, lonely middle-aged women, and sensitive men. This year Animal Planet won’t settle for cute. Cute can only get you so far. This year, they are going for gasps. That’s where the money is. The Puppy Bowl looks to rebrand itself, and it’s starting by changing up its sponsors. No more good causes like the American Animal Hospital Association and no hypoallergenic lamb and rice dog food companies. They’re calling in the big guns. Literally. The mob is the perfect organization to sponsor such an event and an ingenious way to fund everything from booze to pyrotechnics to prolonged puppy playtime. Another plus of having the mob on board is the ability to completely take down the Super Bowl. Paying off refs and players will sow frustration among viewers, who will then be forced to turn their attention to the Puppy Bowl. For the other half of the Super Bowl viewers who don’t really care about the game, the mob will also use their connections to replace the commercial breaks with white noise. Let’s face it, that’s the only reason women watch the game anyway. However, after all of this, the mob’s most important contribution is the inspiration for a new version of the Puppy Bowl. It will no longer be a bunch of cute puppies playing with toys and making viewers cry with happiness. This year, Animal Planet presents the first annual Dog Fight Blood Bowl. Ceremonies for the Blood Bowl will commence with the usual introduction of the players, including their height, weight, breed, and favorite hobby. All names must be changed to enhance intimidation. For example, that adorable border collie pup no longer goes by Lassie. Everybody now welcomes Fang into the stadium. Displays of blood, teeth, and spiked collars are required. There will also be one dog on each team that is still considered a puppy, but has reached full growth and has rabies. All water bowls will also be spiked with cocaine for dramatic effect and heightened intensity. Rules of the Blood Bowl have also changed to better reflect the more violent nature. Before there were no winners, now it will be a fight to the death. The last dog standing will live like a king and be rewarded with unlimited steak-flavored dog treats for the rest of his or her short life. The event’s venue has also changed. Instead of a petite mock football field, dogs will face off in a cage surrounded by barbed wire and filled with fully automatic weapons. Young puppy blood is exactly what people want to see.
Another change to the Blood Bowl is the half time show. Usually, amusing kittens are featured with multiple scratching posts and toy mice filled with catnip, but this year, a different kind of pussy will be unleashed. Sixteen exotic strippers have been hired as halftime entertainment, all who will be starting off in fuzzy cat attire and ready to pounce at anything dangling in front of their faces. One lucky viewer will win an all-expense-paid trip to Detroit with the stripper of their choice. Finally, Michael Vick will be coordinating underground betting as well as serving as one of the game’s commentators. This is where Animal Planet plans on making their most money for the new production. Buy-ins start at $1,000 dollars, and any degenerate gamblers are welcome. At the Blood Bowl people will be able to place smaller bets at the door. Animal Planet is telling all PETA freaks and animals lovers alike to back off. This is natural selection at its finest. It’s an important food chain; there are too many dogs anyways. They are also reminding PETA that all dogs go to heaven, so why not grant them eternal life? The slogan of the Dog Fight Blood Bowl is “It’s a dog eat dog world.” Fighting till the death will commence at 7 p.m. on Dog Fight Sunday. So heat up your mini barbecued weenies and bring out the veggie trays. Shit’s about to get real.
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Back in the Swing of Writing Papers Sevin Ketze wrote this 7:30 p.m.: You open up a Word document, adjust the font and margins, crack your knuckles. It's go time. 10:15 p.m.: Oh shit, you just watched three episodes of Spartacus. You haven't written anything except your name and your opening line “asldaslkdasdkasd uhhhhhshit shit shit.” 10:30 p.m.: You're almost halfway done writing! Well, you haven't actually started writing, but you DID copy/paste an extremely long quote that's a little bit relevant to the prompt. And you remembered to change one of the periods to a comma, so technically it's not plagiarism. 10:35 p.m.: In a flash of genius, you realize you could use to use that same thousand word quote for the “con” side of your debate paper, just by prefacing it with “However, some people DON'T think that...” All done! Time to get DOWN! 10:37 p.m.: You pick up an overflowing shot glass and stare at the other eight shots lined up in front of you, but hesitate. You start thinking “maybe I should go back and take this paper more seriously.” In a flash of impulsiveness, your arm swings down and knocks the row of glasses off your desk and into the wall. Time to get scholarly! 11:05 p.m.: Blood is streaming from your hands, feet, and knees, but you're pretty sure you finally got all the broken glass picked up. You feel a little woozy from the blood loss, or maybe from all the grain alcohol your cuts absorbed off of the floor. 11:50 p.m.: Might’ve passed out for a bit there. You pull yourself back onto your chair with a newfound resolve. No more messin' around!
2:15 a.m.: Okay, your room is spotless, your cats have been scrubbed clean and hung up to dry, and you finally saw every single thing on Pinterest. Nothing can stand in your way now! 3:05 a.m.: Less than seven hours left. You've cried so much your body literally can't produce any more tears. Remember, where there's a will, there's a way! 3:06 a.m.: Speaking of a will, you just realized you've never written one! What if something happened to you?! What would happen to your laptop, your beer can castle, and your freshly scrubbed cats? The paper can wait, this is what's REALLY important. 4:19 a.m.: After lots of rough drafts, you finally decide on “just bury me with all my shit.” 4:50 a.m.: Another unproductive half hour of internet browsing passes, so you decide you've had enough and throw your ethernet cord out the window. 4:52 a.m.: You're trying to load Wikipedia to finally get started with your research, but the damn internet is out AGAIN. Come on, internet, pull your shit toge—ohhhhhhhhhh, right. 5:05 a.m.: You overhear a couple of passersby whispering about some bloody hobo looking for change in the gutter. Boy, would I hate to be him in this weather! Finally, you spot your ethernet cord wedged in the storm drain, pull it out, and trudge back inside. 6:00 a.m.: Yet another hour of absolutely no progress. You're completely panicking. 6:15 a.m.: After some frantic pacing, you suddenly remember that story about the guy who had the essay prompt “define courage,”
turned in a paper that simply said “this is,” and got an A. Could it work for you too? Well, guess it's Hail Mary time. 6:17 a.m.: Printed and ready to go! You hop into bed for a quick snooze before class. 10:00 a.m.: Turned it in! Well, it was a rough night, but at least it's over. TWO WEEKS LATER 10:05 a.m.: Papers get passed back. An F?!?! But...I... maybe it would have worked better if the prompt had actually been “define courage,” and not “Define Whitewashing in America.”
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Top 10 Homecoming Essentials Homecoming at VCU is a fun, boozy mess. However, make sure you’re prepared for any situation by having the following on you at all times: 10.) VCU apparel: You don’t want to be the one guy or girl wandering around campus in a “Who Farted?” shirt. It’s sort of like those American flag lapel pins; we all know you love your country, but you got to show that you really, really love your country. 9.) Camelback filled with booze: Doesn’t matter what booze, just make sure there’s enough of it to keep you going. You could carry a water bottle like a plebe, but trust us, hands free is the way to be. 8.) Comfortable shoes: Ladies, no pumps. Gentlemen, no weird fashion forward boots that you saw on Four Pins. Keep it simple: thick soles, breathable material. You’re going to do a lot of drunken stumbling; don’t twist an ankle. 7.) A scarf: It’s cold as hell outside and it’s supposed to rain for the next year. Plus, it doesn’t make you look like as much of a dork as you think it does. Get over yourself and give into the scarf, it will change your world.
AN OPEN LETTER TO VCU ATHLETES ON THE SUBJECT OF CATFISHING tbs staff wrote this Dear members of the VCU Men’s Basketball team,
As members of a rather popular basketball team, people will always want something from you. There’s always going to be some parasite that wants to hop on your jock and never jump off. As bad as all of those things may seem, perhaps the worst thing anyone could want from you is your shame and demise.
- If you call you girlfriend and her voice sounds like a man raising his voice, or a different girl every time, you should be wary. If that man-ish girl voice accidentally calls you “bro,” and talks about taking huge dumps, you should maybe take a step back and examine this whole situation.
A nice girl you meet on the Internet who only wants to talk, and has no interest in investing in athletic baby batter might seem refreshing, but it’s crucial to know whether she is actually flesh and blood, or a bunch of bros sitting behind a computer begging for dick pics for some reason or another. And trust us, we’ve been there. Being beautiful campus all-stars, we’re getting offers of free sex left and right. We know the mind can be clouded in these situations, so here are six basic tips we would like to pass along to make sure your suitors are actually real girls: - It’s 2013, you should use wondrous inventions like Skype and Face Time. If you’ve only seen pictures of the girl you’re dating, you’re doing it very, very wrong, even if the pictures are of the bewbs. Sending pictures to one another is the work of ninth grade MySpace courtships, and if you’re dating someone you haven’t actually seen face to face (even over the computer), that’s a definite red flag. And always be sure to cross check the pictures they might send. Google has reverse image search, so if the girl you’ve been dating for four months turns out to be a $29.99 sex doll on dildodungeon.com, you might want to check into therapy. - If you invite a girl to come see you for coffee, your hometown, or for a Hawaii vacation, and she doesn’t show up on multiple occasions, either she’s batshit crazy or she just doesn’t exist. It’s a free Hawaiian vacation, or, more importantly, a free cup of
- If your girlfriend is in a car accident, you should probably go see her. If your girlfriend is diagnosed with Leukemia, again, you should probably go see her. You wouldn’t puss out of seeing your dying girlfriend because of a “family reunion”. In fact, if your girlfriend is a human being on planet Earth, you should probably go see her.
6.) A phone: Yeah, it’s shitty to have to worry about a phone getting trampled in what’s basically a 5,000 person block party, but on the other hand, it’s the only way to get in contact with people. Get a prepaid if you’re that worried (but people might judge you a little bit, you anxious bastard). 5.) Friends: Harder to crash a party with friends, yes, but you may need backup when you start talking shit to a Fordham fan. They’re all from the Bronx and they’re very scary people. No one wants to get their face smashed in during Homecoming, so keep your friends close and hairy dudes from New York at an arm’s distance. 4.) A lyric sheet for Fuckin’ Problems: It’s just common courtesy to know Rocky’s verse, since he’s the one actually showing up on campus. Just fold it up, put it in your pocket, and study it every now and then. It’s like an exam, except, instead of pass/fail, it’s trill/lame. 3.) Deodorant: A week of couch surfing and partying means not much in the way of personal hygiene. At least try and cover up that BO/pit stank, otherwise you’ll blend in with those Fordham fornicators. 2.) A backpack: What, did you think you were going to carry all of this stuff in your hands? Plus, there’s tons of free stuff being handed out (like issues of The Black Sheep, coozies, and handshakes!). You’ll mostly be living out of your backpack anyways, so make sure it’s a sturdy one. Get that weak Jansport shit out of here, Swiss Gear all the way.
- If you’re a closeted homosexual using a pic you found on Google Image Search as a thin guise for the man you truly love, just come out. This isn’t 1920, and the general population doesn’t think gays have cooties. In fact, if you’re a good enough athlete to go pro, you’re going to make buku bucks on endorsements. And hell, even if you’re not, you’ll still be a role model for thousands of people across the world. It’s not as good as money, but maybe they’ll send you some money. Money is good. - If you use your girlfriend as a means of personal recognition and people find out she doesn’t exist, and that you’ve been feverishly masturbating to yourself in the mirror for the last six months – just be the bigger man and admit it. Well, maybe not the mirror masturbation part. Keep all of these things in mind next time a womanwho-might-actually-be-a-man comes on to you on Facebook or Twitter. In fact, keep these in mind next time a girl approaches you at the bar, who knows if there isn’t some collective lottery of girls banking on you going to the NBA and splitting the childcare payments amongst themselves. Bitches be crazy. Oh, and if you guys don’t beat Fordham, we might be a little bit upset. But no pressure.
1.) A smile!: Homecoming is supposed to be fun, so there’s no sense in you pouting your way through it. Stop walking around with a stick up your ass and enjoy yourself. It’s a celebration, so act like it. Otherwise it’s just a bunch of dirty, drunk people rooting for a basketball team, and what fun is that?
vcu staff wrote this
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Who would you really like to just punch in the face? “People who tell their life problems on Facebook.” - Stephen
“Tony Romo.” - Cary
“People who ramble on about conspiracy theories.” - Nora
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The Vultures of vcu
daniel park wrote this
Girls will forever have the best time at parties. It’s undeniable how vicious you killer whales can get. The pods you travel in can be spotted from a mile away, as you sniff out the unopened bottles of Grey Goose and Ciroc that decorate our apartments. You don’t give a damn about how many pubescent boys are at the party, because you put all that make-up on your head and glitter on your legs only to infiltrate out lair and drink our booze. You’re cruel, but how are we supposed to block entry to anything with eyes, thighs, breasts, and ass? It’s impossible to distinguish your face from everyone else you’re rolling with, but you claim my room mate invited you over during psychology this morning. Of course I’ll offer you a drink! Would you like our finest boxed wine, or perhaps a can of lukewarm beer? Oh, you’re going to drink all of our Ketel One and bag a few of those ice-cold Miller Lite bottles we stashed in the back of our fridges. Um, okay. So, what’s your name, and tell me all about that psychology class, it sounds enthralling. Oh, you’re on the way out? You’re leaving already? But it’s only 9:30! See you next weekend, beautiful! I think I love you! Well, it may have just dawned on me that you and your vulture friends just used our house to pregame. At the same time, things were boring before you showed up. So you kind of did us a favor, but not really. I used the last of my student loan money on that Ketel One, and now it’s gone. You and your pack of wolves are already headed to the next house party on Grace and Harrison. The plan is to sign up on the beer pong list, pretend you’re super excited to play, hug a few guys you don’t know (this makes them feel like they’re cool), ask them if they want another beer, walk to the fridge, take out six Coronas, slip into the bathroom, secure them in your Coach bag, and head out the double doors. Mission accomplished. You’ve knocked down another fridge, and the men are none the wiser. They’re just happy to say the had girls over. Now you’re headed to your final party of the night; the one where you’re meeting your real friends. You’re here a few times a month, and you’d never ever steal from these folks. You’ve island hopped
across campus collecting the alcohol of poor romantics, and claimed them as your own. As you pregame with stolen beer and people you actually care about you’ll dance around to YouTube renditions of popular songs from last semester, and the memories of who treated you to the alcohol you’re drinking guiltlessly fades away like a fart in the wind. Finally, everyone heads out with $20 to cover the whole group. Why? Because you only need money to get into the bars, once you’re in, you just have to put on the ”I’m single and kinda sad, but you’re kinda cute!” look to get the next poor romantic stranger to buy you a drink. Like lions hunting wildebeest on the savanna, it’s an endless cycle, and it will continue until another apex predator comes in to push the women out (unlikely), or (more likely) mankind gets fed up with the whole situation and pushes you off our land. We’re workin’ here, ladies. Just do us the justice of a fake number, give us hope, and string us along at the very least
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! e m a g g in k in r d l w er bo upAnnouncers... e SThe ThWhen When The Announcers...
during the halftime show....
Drink one when they say each other’s name. Drink one if Ray Lewis’ leadership is discussed. Drink two for every forced Harbaugh pun. Drink three when they use the telestrator. Drink four for each shot of the Harbaugh family.
Drink one for every Pepsi mention. Drink two when Beyonce changes songs. Drink two if the camera cuts to a celebrity. Drink five if Jay-Z or Kanye come on stage. Drink ten if Destiny’s Child comes on stage.
When the team you're rooting for... Drink one when a pass is completed. Drink one for each point your team scores. Drink two for a ten-yard run. Drink two for any penalty on the other team Drink two for any first down your team gets.
Drink three for any sack your team causes. Drink three for every challenge. Drink four for any turnover your team forces. Drink four for any play over forty yards. Chug your drink for the duration of an injury.
during the commercials...
in your place...
Drink one for every hot babe. Drink three for every beer commercial. Drink four for each company you don’t know. Drink six every time super cute animals are involved. Drink six for dudes doin’ dumb dude-stuff.
Drink two for everyone who wears a jersey. Drink two if someone uses gambling lingo. Drink three every time someone spills. Drink five if you miss a score. Drink ten when something is broken in anger.
Even if you don’t know Tyrone Wells, you’ve heard Tyrone Wells. His personal brand of acoustic tuneage has appeared on everything from American Idol to Scrubs to the freaking Vampire Diaries. His latest album, This Love, dropped recently, and he begins a national tour in February. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: You recently released your fifth studio album, This Love; did you approach the creative process differently on this album? Tyrone Wells: I approached it knowing I wanted to keep the production a little bit more acoustic. Every time I try to make a record I try to keep it sparse, but songs keep growing. TBS: When you talk about an album growing, is that like, adding musical ingredients? A little of this, a little of that? Tyrone: Yeah, it is like that. I don’t always know what should be added, but there are songs like “Bring Her to Me” and “Aria” that are finger picking songs that I knew would be nice with hardly anything else added. But, when you get in the studio, you start thinking “This could use a little drum beat,” and then it can spiral out of control if you’re not careful. TBS: Do you usually know what you need to add, or is there trial and error? Tyrone: I’ll dig around for a while, unsure what the best thing to add is. That’s why it helps to have a good producer, to trust their instincts. That’s why a lot of artists can’t finish anything; they just dig a hole they can’t get out of. TBS: These sparse songs, do you write with the intention of them being that way? Tyrone: Some songs I know it’ll be best with little added. On the other hand, sometimes I think I know, and then I end up with something totally different. TBS: And does that feeling come from lyrical subject matter, or something else? Tyrone: If the songs feels intimate or if it feels bombastic, that has a lot to do with it. Just knowing it will shine more if there is less added. TBS: You’re about to head out on a national tour. When you go on tour do you try to recreate a song as you recorded it, or just have fun with it? Tyrone: It depends. Sometimes I tour with a full band, other times it’s just with one other guy. When I have just one other guy, it’s hard to reproduce a song as it’s performed on a record. Sometimes we’ll fiddle with songs intentionally, adding a different groove or something. For the most part, I try to keep it similar to the record. TBS: Has there been any song that’s changed its meaning to you over time, then, in turn, you’ve changed the approach to how you play it live? Tyrone: No, I don’t think so. I labor beforehand over how the song would be best performed. I’ve been to shows and gotten annoyed when artists change songs, especially if they change the songs drastically. I don’t know if you’ve ever been to a Counting Crows concert, but they perform every song differently than they recorded it, and I’m like, “I’m seeing you because I like the way this song sounds.” TBS: How much input do you have in your touring? Tyrone: I’m very involved in where we go, where we play, for sure. It’s my life and I want to enjoy the experience. If I love a room or it has the wrong vibe, I’ll hit up my booking agent. TBS: In this new musical landscape, how do you define your success? Tyrone: I think for me, I care if a new record charts or not. That’s happened on the singer/ songwriter chart for me, with my last releases coming up number one or number two. TV and film placement are important, and touring. When you come through a town and you notice if the audience is bigger or smaller than it was last time. TBS: Can you really note the different sizes of audiences in cities? Tyrone: I can tell just by the enthusiasm of the crowd. And I mean, we switch venues, and that can change the perception of how well we’re doing in a city. TBS: Build me a perfect sandwich. Tyrone: You know, my perfect sandwich… that’s a great, great question. French baguette, barbecued pork, radish, jalapeño, carrots, and basil. The way they prepare the meat, it rocks the world.
the big three
entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.
Warm Bodies In Theaters February 1st
After a zombie apocalypse leaves a bunch of people craving human brains, R (Nicholas Hoult) and his zombie friends encounter a group of people. R kills a man then proceeds to fall in love with his girlfriend, Julie (Teresa Palmer). They begin to develop a relationship, and R slowly becomes less zombie-like, proving that if a zombie can find love, then so can your braindead ass.
Super Bowl XLVII February 3rd at 6pm on CBS
For those who don’t read roman, this year’s Super Bowl is the 47th and the first one to feature opposing head coach brothers; the Baltimore Ravens’ John Harbaugh and the San Francisco 49ers’ Jim Harbaugh. But most importantly, Beyonce and her children of destiny are performing at half time. Ma, heat up the spin dip!
Puppy Bowl IX February 3rd at 3pm on Animal Planet
The lovely (assuming) ladies of Animal Planet present two hours of puppies rolling around on each other and being adorable in the 9th year of the Puppy Bowl. There’s no Beyonce at half time, and it doesn’t cost $4 million dollars for a 30-second commercial, but it’s friggin’ puppies playing with each other for 120 minutes. That’s a whole lot of cute.
bartender of the week heather m. city dogs Favorite Beer: Miller Lite
don’t know what that is.” Then his girl came over and was like “I said I want a Yuengling!” and they started fighting like crazy.
Favorite Shot: Jameson Have you invented any drink recipes yourself: Blue razberry lemonade - blueberry vodka + Bacardi Black Razz, sour mix, Sprite Celebrity Crush: Johnny Depp
What’s the best way to get your attention on a crowded night: Just eye contact and looking like you’re ready with your hand up or something.
Favorite Song: “Stereo” - Boombox What’s your guilty pleasure: Mustard Ever met anyone famous: Colin Farrell Favorite pick up line: “Are you from Ireland? Cause my penis is Dublin.” Most ridiculous thing you’ve seen on the job: This loser came in one night and was ordering for his girl, he asked me for a “Ding A Ling” and I said ”You mean a Yuengling?” and he got in my face and yelled “A DING A LING” and sounded it all like I was deaf. I asked him “Is that a drink? I
the drinking game:
What’s your biggest pet peeve while behind the bar: When people smack the bar to get my attention and then sit there because they don’t know what they want.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve seen someone do for a free drink: We’ve had people ask if they can drink the juice in the bar mats after we can’t serve alcohol anymore, and we’ve even had girls deep throat hot dogs for free drinks. What has been your worst experience while behind the bar: I had to kick this older guy out after he threw a temper tantrum when I asked him to stop talking about politics. He yelled, “I’m not hanging out with you CHILDREN anymore.”
recipe for disaster:
Super Bowl Shots
summer slammer smoothies
Everyone wishes they could be an NFL player, but unfortunately that position is reserved for buff boys whose brawn is bigger than their brains. Until you’re reincarnated as one of these gifted few, here’s a football-inspired drinking game aimed to make anyone feel like the star QB for a few minutes.
In this chilly weather all we want is to be soaking up rays somewhere. So put on your swimsuit, crank up the heat, and make your own poolside beverages to get the summer feel in your apartment.
What You’ll Need: Table, cups, beer, ping pong balls, and Super Bowl XLVII on the big screen. Number of Players: 2 teams of 2 is ideal, but there’s always room for more. Level of Intoxication: Feelin’ real good by the second half.
What You’ll Need: A blender, ice, milk or Greek yogurt, fruit, and your choice of alcohol. Cook Time: Just a few minutes, you lazy bum! Fatty Factor: Depends on the type of milk you use. Otherwise, get drunk!
How to Play: - Get all your bros together and turn on the Super Bowl. - Split up into two teams and have each team pick between either the 49ers or the Ravens. - Watch the game and drink casually until one of the following occurs: interception, fumble, safety, touchdown, punt, or field goal. - Once one of these situations happens, get up and head over to the table. Set up 2 cups for each player on the opposing team. Place the cups anywhere you want: on the table, on the floor, on the couch behind you. Just don’t be an asshole; make them somewhat reachable. - The team that benefitted from the game situation (like the team that recovered the fumble) shoots first. - One by one, each player, alternating teams, has a chance to shoot and make one of the cups on the opposite side (no bouncing!). Once a player has made 2 cups, they’re done and sit for the rest of that round. - If someone’s throw causes a ball to fly away, land under a piece of furniture, or spill a cup, that team is charged with a delay of game and must remove a cup for the other team. - Both teams together have a total of 2 minutes to sink as many cups as they can. The Game Ends When: The game is over, duh! The team with the most sunk cups at the end of the fourth quarter wins. Make ‘em pay for all the cases. This game tests any athletic skills that you may or may not have. Most likely not, but who cares? You’re getting drunk, bro.
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Let’s Get Baked: - Grab your blender and pour in about a cup of milk. - If you have Greek yogurt and want to make it a bit healthier, add in about _ cup of that shit. - Pour in a shot or two of your alcohol of choice. - Next you add your fruit: strawberries, blueberries, bananas, apples. Whatever you have a taste for. - Top your smoothie off with a few handfuls of ice, but if you want your shake/smoothie on the creamy side, you don’t need it. - If you’re a total juicehead, add in some protein powder, bro! - Blend it up until it’s all nice and smooth. - Pour it in a glass, toss in a cute little drink umbrella, and chug, chug, chug! Feel free to get creative yet appetizing. Bananas and rum could be a good combination or the traditional berries and vodka. Maybe replace your milk and yogurt with Rumchata? The world is your oyster, so slurp it down.
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The Superbowl: One Nation, Under Bey Lorenzo Simpson wrote this Superbowl XLVII is not ready for this jelly. Among the highlights of the last game of the 2012 NFL season, kickass commercials, and the sibling rivalry of the Harbaughs, one of the main focuses will be on the halftime performance. “Bootylicious” singer Beyonce Knowles will be backin’ dat ass up in HD on network television this Sunday. All of America will be watching to see if the R&B diva will nail the gig, or join the Black Eyed Peas in the shitpile of bland acts that couldn’t quite cut it. After the controversy she received for performing a prerecorded version of the National Anthem at President Obama’s inauguration, a lot of pressure will be on her not to become the luscious, smooth, perfectly shaped butt of several SNL jokes. People will also be on the lookout for the possible chance of a wardrobe malfunction. With the Justin Timberlake/Janet Jackson bad-grip-oh-shit-titflip-nip-slip of 2004 ingrained in everyone’s mind, male viewers will be hungrily anticipating some impromptu nudity. Parents are highly advised to have “the talk” with their children before the show in order to reduce the amount of awkwardness if Bey accidentally lets some goodies out of the jar. No mother wants her daughter asking them, “Why aren’t hers saggy like yours?” and no father wants to explain what a boner is while Nana is in the room. Another aspect of the halftime show the viewers will be anticipating is the surprise guests. Rap addicts would love to see Beyonce’s husband, hip-hop mogul and illuminati Jay-Z grace the stage with his presence. Maybe after he spits a few popular verses, he’ll make an offering to his Satanic overlords by sacrificing the blood of a virgin, while baby Blue Ivy works the turntables. He might announce that he has bought the Mercedes-Benz Superdome before throwing up the Roc sign and disappearing into a flying saucer he purchased from Mars, complete with the Brooklyn Nets logo. He may also just come out and do a verse from “Crazy in Love.”
A great move for Mrs. Irreplaceable would be to call upon the help of her backup dancers/punching bags/groupmates, Destiny’s Child. You know, Kelly Rowland and Michelle...um...whatever. Beyonce told interviewers earlier this year that the group would be reuniting for a compilation album, and old fans of the group would love to see Colin and Mitchell try to keep up while playing fun games like “Which one looks more desperate?” and “Guess who has the eating disorder?” But this performance could very well go south in an instant. The two shafted group members could use the guest appearance as a power move in an attempt to destroy Beyonce and snatch up the current position of R&B Queen. As tragic as the aftermath might be, it would still be pretty cool if the singers got into a three-way, Highlanderesque battle, resulting in Korlly screaming, “THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!” as she beheads Beyoncé and third singer with a collapsible sword she yanks out of her bra. Worst case scenario, Bey makes her booty shake like an earthquake that reaches a 9.4 on the Richter scale, causing the levies to break and New Orleans to be submerged by another giant flood. That would be one hell of a hashtag. Speaking of which, social media will surely be at critical mass with fresh new memes from Facebook and Tumblr and hurtful trending topics on Twitter (#TeamLipSync, #arealperformerwould, #BootyQuake2013). If the show tanks, Internet trolls will have a field day creating fake Beyoncé profiles and making extremely raunchy comments on various forums, while diehard fans will take to Youtube with their best Chris Crocker impressions, sobbing, “LEAVE BEYONCE ALONE! SHE’S A HUMAN!” Then there’s the inevitable racist comment from a fading, washed up comedian or a pundit for FOX news that will cause a protest of some kind led by Rev. Al Sharpton. So, what will be the fate of the Mrs. Knowles’ Superbowl Halftim-
m o c . e n i l n O p e e h S k c a l B G GAMES The IN K IN R D | R SPECIALS | BA ARTICLES
Special? No one knows for sure, but everyone knows what they want to see: a wardrobe malfunction, two divas duking it out while some poor assistant tries to keep them apart, some droppings of the FBomb, N-Bomb, P-Bomb, V-Bomb, Z-Bomb (Ed. Note: If you have to ask, you’re not ready to know what it is), etc. Basically anything that wasn’t previously rehearsed is what the public is drooling for. It’s so beautiful that an event that should serve as the perfect send off to a future hall of famer’s 16 year NFL career, will instead focus on the anticipation of a pop star flashing a little junk mail.
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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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