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The Black Sheep

REC FREE OGN ...LI IZ A KE B BLE EIN THA G M N S ORE F AU STI N

Vol. 6, Issue 1

THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE

.

3/20/14 - 4/2/14

DON’T MAKE UP STUFF, WON’T SEE NO STUFF:

HOW TO WATCH MARCH MADNESS LORENZO SIMPSON WROTE THIS

March Madness is a time to celebrate your Rams as they fight for college basketball supremacy. It’s also a time to pull your best excuses off the shelf, polish them off, and present them to your professor, boss, girlfriend, boyfriend, probation officer, or small pet funeral director so you can get out of whatever was previously scheduled to watch the Rams fight for college roundball pride, without prejudice. But these people, they know you, and they’re not gonna fall for the same diarrhea-related cop-out. Your excuses are gonna have to be multi-layered, multi-faceted, and multi-bullshitted to make them believe you. Let The Black Sheep walk you through some old-fashioned lies, with some new-fashioned pizzazz.

BE SICK AHEAD OF TIME:

No competent person is going to believe you if you call in sick while the NCAA Tournament theme music plays in the background. Like a Havoc Double-Fist Press, you gotta set it up ahead of time. First, Invite your boss/professor/lover/probation officer to lunch a couple days before the big game. Make sure you head to the grimiest, dirtiest seafood restaurant Richmond has to offer, but be sure to play up how awesome it is. When there, order the stankiest plate of oysters possible, and pretend to devour the sea boogers as you cough them into your napkin.

never going to Clams ‘R Us again, because the oysters planted a conflict in your nether regions that Russia couldn’t even fix. So, having been there when you were eating said oysters, they will believe you wholeheartedly. Enjoy the game.

FUNERAL SELFIE:

You know that great grandparent or aunt or uncle that you only call to ask for money? Well, it’s time to request their services once more. Funeral selfies are all the rage now, and it’s time to capitalize on it. What’s that? You don’t have a recently deceased old relative? No biggie. Invite them to town for the week, then snap a selfie with them sleeping peacefully in the background. After you have one of the pics, coax one of the Robertson School kids to Photoshopify that image so that it looks like they’re laying quietly in a coffin. Post this pic on your Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, titled “I’ll always miss you, Nana.” You might wanna add a little poem or something for extra likes.

The next day, post on Facebook that you’re “Feeling weird. Hope it wasn’t those oysters.” This way, all your friends know that you might be headed to Hocktown.

With all the undeserved sympathy coming your way in the next week, your boss/prof/sidechick/bookie will probably call YOU. Just wait for those seven magic words, “Take as much time as you need,” and you’re in the clear. Now you can take as much time as you need to fold your burritos with the Monterey Jack queso ON THE SIDE! But remember, no amount of processed cheese can replace the fake loss of your relative, you’ll never be able to fake kill them again.

On the eve of the game, call your boss/professor/ lover/probation officer and tell them that you’re

When you show up to meet with your slavemaster/

PHONE A FRIEND:

test giver/funkbuddy/stalker, ask one of your homeboys to call you with some “urgent news.” Here’s where those three and a half improv classes are finally going to be of use. It’s time to sell it like a starving artist: “What? you’re in a car accident? The guy who hit you is from U of R? He’s angry that we beat them so bad in Brooklyn? HE’S PUNCHING YOU IN THE FACE RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT? HOLD ON DUDE!

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THE CABELL HUSTLE

TOP 10: COLLEGE COMMANDMENTS

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW TO BE A CHAMPION AT CABELL.

I’m sorry, my friend’s in trouble, I gotta go.” End scene. Now go rescue your friend...who is also somewhere they don’t want to be, and needs an excuse to split. Now, with these crafty new excuses at your disposal, lie like the wind. Do what you have to do to see the Madness of March. You don’t wanna miss the war with the Rams, don’t make up stuff, won’t see no stuff.

THOU SHALT NOT LIVE ON HONEY BUNS ALONE (AND OTHER ADVICE).

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PAGE 9

HOMELESS FOR ALMOST A DAY WE TAKE AN INSIDE LOOK INTO THE LIVES OF STUDENTS WORKING FOR CAF SWIPES.


>> CAMPUS MANAGER Kenneth Jordan

MARKETING TEAM Selamawit Tadesse, Brian Guerrero Kelsey Knight, Lul Hussein Eva Solomon, Jackie Juarez

EDITORIAL MANAGER Lorenzo Simpson

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Quinn Myers

ADVERTISING MANAGERS Tyler Harvey WRITERS Lorenzo Simpson, Julie Gassaway Nathan Heintschel, Kalsey Hanratty Sabrina Fuller, Elena Correa SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Nathan Heintschel

Meet the Staff <<

OWNER Atish Doshi FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER Ingrid Medrano

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THE CABELL HUSTLE EDWARD FAHEY WROTE THIS

The Scene: Club Cabell, Midnight, Wednesday Night Students racing back and forth, bleary eyes beaming from the fourth shot in their Venti Iced Mocha. It’s crunch time here at VCU, and what’s the highest commodity in demand? Not Adderall, but study rooms. These glorious learning meccas are fuller than the bathroom at any frat party, with more reservations than Arcadia on a Saturday night. So what does that mean for those of us who didn’t get up at 4 a.m. to reserve every study room available until 2017? Well, it all depends on how dirty your hands are willing to get. So for the benefit of all, we’ve taken the liberty of compiling a list of notes and strategies to procure a study room, sans reservations, all for the sake of the study. Let’s begin. Timing: Study room reservations are in 30-minute increments and the maximum sequential-reservation is 2 hours. Therefore, by keeping an eye on your watch you can figure out when people will be coming and going — every half an hour some rooms are going to turn over, and it doesn’t hurt to buzz the entire floor to see who bailed or looks ready to ship out. Camp Out, Take Over: When you see a group is close to their time limit, plant your ass in front of the room and look mean. Like, we’re talking Grumpy Cat on steroids. The goal is to claim your territory with the ferocity of a wolf, because after all, it isn’t really yours. Honestly, if we could recommend peeing on it, we would. In fact, go for it. Beating your chest and howling sharply adds a nice touch, and will make the beta males step off. You may even get the entire floor to yourself. Make a Stand: At this point you’ve slipped into a

room immediately after the prior group vacated. However, this is truly only half the battle. You’ve hedged your bets on the fact that the study room you and your homies have occupied does not have a reservation set in the near future, but OF COURSE IT WILL. Prepare to defend your turf against those who will come to claim their prize, like it’s their valid, registered right or something. Don’t worry, there are ways to defend against these righteous, play-by-therules fools. Make a Huge Mess: Textbooks? More like confetti! Loose leaf paper? Re-enactment of VCU vs. St Louis with the trashcan! Snacks? Yes please! How about an entire loaf of bread and full jars of peanut butter and jelly. Or, bump up the smell with a big plate of garlic-y spaghetti. The goal here is to lead the reservationmakers to assume that it would probably take more time for you to clean the room than it would for them to just go somewhere else. When they arrive just shrug your shoulders in a “I guess I could clean all this up right now…?” kind of way. Look Too Crazy to Bother: If food and book-fetti doesn’t work, write random numbers and symbols all over the whiteboard, pace the room muttering aimlessly, lay on the table and powernap face down, ass up. Whatever it takes to make people second guess opening that door and dealing with the lunatic inside. In the end, tough it out and be a douche for a minute. After all this accounting exam holds the balance of your fate in its metaphorical hands, and you can’t let social niceties stand in the way of your future. So what happens if nothing works? Leave, dude. You’re not trying to cause a scene here. After all, there are plenty of other suckers to swindle out of their study asylum. Happy hunting.

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FIRST TRANS CEREAL BOX MASCOT GIVES SPEECH AT BRIGGS HALL STRAWBERRY SHORTIE WROTE THIS VCU is renowned for bringing artists, performers, writers and other culture makers who you’ve “probably never heard of” to campus. During their stay, these guests-inresidence provide a series of educational programs for dorm-dwellers, keeping them up to date on the music, art and writing that no one else will ever hear about. This week, Briggs Hall is excited to announce that their guest is none other than the beloved children’s cereal mascot formerly known as Captain Crunch. This weekend’s visit marks the very first public appearance since the mascot has come out as transgender. Earlier this week, in a historic moment for LGBT rights and visibility that had soccer mom activists across the country racing to their local Walmart to show support, the mascot came out officially as a trans-woman, who has since officially changed her name to Madam Munch. “I’ve always been an ally to the trans-community, and I stand with Madam Munch,” said Alina Garrett, a sophomore in gender and women’s studies and resident at Briggs

353-8885 en until 2am

Hall. “It was incredibly brave of her to come forward, and I think that VCU should exclusively offer Captain—sorry—Madam Munch cereals at all of their dining facilities in order to show support.” When Garrett was asked if she had been involved in the recent protests on campus against the school board’s decision to cut funding for trans-student healthcare, she gave no comment.

"VCU SHOULD EXCLUSIVELY OFFER CAPTAIN—SORRY— MADAM MUNCH CEREALS AT ALL OF THEIR DINING FACILITIES IN ORDER TO SHOW SUPPORT.” Campus reaction to the news has mostly been positive, and Munch’s three events scheduled for this weekend have already sold out. Amongst the campus’ growing excitement, the cartoon mascot has stayed true to herself.

“Well, to be honest with you, this is who I’ve always been,” said Munch, “and it’s more than liberating to finally be out in the open with it. I’m thankful for their support.” Munch is especially thankful for the individuals who have turned her private life into a marketing campaign. “Everyone close to me has known and supported me for years, but the corporate boys upstairs have been pressuring me for a while now to come out,” Munch said. “Every time another ‘First Openly Gay Basketball Player’ story—you know, ‘First Gay CEO’ or ‘First Lesbian Bus Driver’—would come off the presses, they’d come to me and say, ‘Munch, if you wait too long, and Tony the Tiger or one of those goddamn CrackSnapple-Pop circle-jerkers beats you to it, you won’t be able to capitalize on it.’ So I thought now was a good a time as ever.” Quaker Oats, the company behind the household brand, has embraced Munch’s decision to go public. According to a spokesperson for the company, they’re excited to be on board with this exciting

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economic opportunity, citing growing LGBT support in younger shoppers as a primary incentive to go public with Munch’s gender identity. “Old transphobic Republicans,” according to one source, “don’t eat Peanut Butter Crunch, anyway.” That demographic’s cereal choice was traditionally Cheerios, but ever since they aired a not-even-a-little-bitwe-don’t-know-how-the-fuck-anybodycould-seriously-think-this-is-controversial controversial commercial featuring an interracial couple, studies suggest that old,

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racist white people have been sticking with Raisin Bran. Madam Munch’s three events this weekend, while sold out, are rumored to expand audience numbers through ticket raffles and generous donations to the Quaker Oats Corporation. The schedule for the weekend is as follows: Accepting Your Body: Getting to Know Your Square-Shaped Corn/ Oat Puffs, What about the Bride of Frankenberry? The Misogyny in Halloween Cereals, and Quaker Oats General Stockholders Conference.

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GOOD VIBES

ON HAVING THE

AUDACITY TO HOPE SABRINA FULLER WROTE THIS

Your scenario: “I haven’t opened my textbook all semester. There’s no way I can catch up.” Your reality: Your English class is 500 pages deep into the Norton Anthology? No problemo, friend. Look, despite common misconception it is entirely possible to skim a book and retain the information. You did it in high school right? College isn’t really that different. Plus, SparkNotes. SparkNotes is the original TL;DR and at this point probably has abbreviated notes on its own abbreviated notes. Your scenario: “I’m positive that my professor is going to fail me.” Your reality: Your grizzly, frowny, tenured professor just needs someone to get close and break down his walls. He has trust issues; he’s been burned by students before. Show him that you’re different. So what if the syllabus says “absolutely no extra credit, no exceptions.” Hon, you have to start thinking of yourself as the exception, not the rule. Sure he says he won’t round up grades. But you, my dear, are perfectly capable of earning a 69.4999. And when you do, he’ll be impressed. Keep ya’ head up. Your scenario: “My group project is a disaster and I’m ready to drop out and go solo. It’s due tomorrow at 8 a.m.” Your reality: Not so fast, man! Going solo means you’ll have triple or quadruple the work. Do you really want to do that? Sometimes you have to put trust in other people. Right now your group is looking a little rough — 2 of them don’t respond to any text, email or tweet, and the one who does show up takes 45-minute coffee breaks every 15 minutes. So take the lead and give an impassioned and inspiring speech. Buy them a round on you! All your team needs is a friendly reminder that

06

TOP

TEN

COLLEGE COMMANDMENTS LIZZIE HALL WROTE THIS

Let he who is without redemption cast the first beer pong ball. Here are the top ten college commandments. May he/she who abides by these laws inherit the Kingdom of Jaded Alumni.

Midterms are almost here and you’ve been coasting through this semester. Given your less-than-impressive grades so far, The Black Sheep is surprised you’ve lasted this long. What’s keeping you alive? Hope. Hope is that little voice in your head that says “I know I failed this last test, but …” Hope is how you convince yourself that of course you can ace all of your remaining tests for the semester. You have a somewhat cheesy-yetsuper-inspirational desktop background. You walk around with rose-colored Ray-Bans and a sunny disposition. With midterm season upon us it’s important to “keep hope alive,” as Reverend Jesse Jackson would say.

THE

10.) Thine elevators in Rhoads will drop if there is more than five people in it: Do not test the balance of fate before the rope snaps, plunging all inside to the darkest depths of the basement floor. 9.) Thou shalt wear the least amount of clothes available when going to a party; even when it’s 22 degrees and three miles away…: You’re not being vain if you don’t care enough about your health to dress accordingly. The frostbite you’ll experience on the way there will keep you quite statuesque for the rest of the night, eliminating the possibility of any sinful twerking. 8.) Thou shalt not live on Honey Buns alone: It’s time to move away from the land of Expired Milk and Honey Buns, and feast upon the heavenly Subway BMT. You’ll raise your hands up in praise and wonder why you didn’t come to the Commons earlier in the semester.

you’re all in this together. Try some team-building exercises like trust falls and a hearty game of telephone; 5 a.m. is when the magic happens! Your scenario: “I’m running late to a marathon session and there are limited seats available. #PanicMode” Your reality: Dude, you’ll totally get a seat. How many people are actually going to show up to study with the nerd herd? Professors practically beg students to show up to those. Go get your guest appearance in — it’ll make you look good. Yeah there are people who show up to marathon sessions hours before they start. But you aren’t like those people. You’re flawless, so conduct yourself as such. Your scenario: “I’m worried I’ll end up a third-year senior.” Your reality: Haven’t you seen the VCU posters around campus? If you take 15 credits a semester, you will totally graduate on time. Don’t worry about getting into those small-sized upper-level classes. If anyone’s getting that override, it’s you. So what if you’re double majoring? As long as you have tunnel vision anything is possible. Haven’t you read the inspirational poems etched into the bathroom stalls in the English Building? And really if you fail a class once, try try again. You’ll get the hang of it before FAFSA quits on you. Your scenario: “I can’t find a tutor at the Learning Center and my bio test is in a few days.” Your reality: Look, as soon as you walk up to the desk and explain how pressed you are they’ll just have to find you a tutor. There is absolutely no such thing as fully booked. There’s at least one person sitting in that center bullshitting around because some ingrate stood them up. It’s time for you to swoop in and get your learn on. If that doesn’t work, just binge watch House; that’s like an entire BME course that includes people makin’ it. Hint: Don’t know the answer? Pick lupus. It’s always lupus. Even if it’s not one of the 4 answers, just pencil in lupus.

7.) Thou shalt not knock over thy neighbor’s cup of Cafe Mocha, then walk away like nothing ever happened: Whatever you do eventually comes back to you. And it’ll karma will come on the hottest day of the year, when you just spent your printer money on a fatass Slurpee, and your foot catches a sidewalk crack juust right. 6.) Thou shalt steal toilet paper when attending house parties: You don’t get paid for another week, and your roomies’ homies used your Charmin to desecrate your neighbor’s oak tree. Butt musk isn’t sexy, so when you’re at a friends’ house party, grab a roll... or 7. You brought whipped cream vodka (which you also stole, shh), so they totally owe you. 5.) When throwing house parties, thou shalt hide all toilet paper and food: The only dancing bears that should be snatched up at your shindig are in the dance circle, so hide your white gold as soon as possible. 4.) Thou shalt receive one free pass to pass out before the pre-gaming is done: Pass out more than once and you’re required to complete 20 bloody marys, lest ye awake to a throbbing phallus depiction upon thine own forehead. 3.) Thou shalt not assume that just because it’s 2 o’clock in the afternoon your friends are awake: In the same way no one understands the back half of Spencer’s, no one really understands the sleep schedule of the college student. So do be a dear and back away slowly, you don’t need the Netflix password RIGHT THIS MINUTE. 2.) Thou shalt look like a complete fool at attending VCU men’s basketball games. If you don’t, you’re not doing it right: Clap your hands, stomp your feet. Fart proudly. You are rejoicing in the golden glory that is the Rams’ b-ball team. Lose yourself and get slain in the school spirit. 1.) Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s rich Instagram life: You know that guy, one of the 12 people whose parents can afford Collegiate living. They’re taking selfies on a yacht while you’re heating up day old Yock. Pay them no mind, for once graduation is over, they’ll be just like you, sharing a hole in the wall with their girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, and her nearly deaf aunt.


AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

ON THE STREETS WHAT FICTIONAL PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES WOULD YOU MOST WANT HEADING OUR COUNTRY? Taylor, Sophomore

“I would like to see SpongeBob Square Pants as president because he is hilarious.”

J.P., Freshman

“I would like to see Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter as president; I feel that it would be safe.”

Mack, Freshman

“Superman would make an excellent president because he is undefeatable.”

07


He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.

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Happy Hour 3-6pm March Madness Specials All Day!

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HOMELESS FOR ALMOST A DAY: AN INSIDE LOOK SABRINA FULLER WROTE THIS One reporter. One cardboard sign. One cup. One Compass. There is a stigma attached to Richmond’s down and out, displaced population of homeless people. It’s not like you can catch homelessness like some kind of disease, and even if you could, Obamacare would probably cover it. In order to walk in the old Reeboks of these cardboard condo dwellers, The Black Sheep sent a reporter to pound the poverty-stricken pavement for a day. Daisy Mae (name changed to protect identity) woke up at 7:30 a.m. last Monday and surrendered her VCU student ID and keys. She was given a “Welcome Week” string backpack complete with gloves, a monkey wrench, a Sharpie, a piece of cardboard, duct tape, and a single bottle of water to survive the day. Our fearless Campus Manager then sent Daisy to the Compass, where she would set up camp for the day. Her challenge was to last a full 12 hours without her belongings. Shafer was off limits, and so too were expensive sodas to quench her thirst. “Well, at first when I went to the Compass things were pretty quiet — I didn’t know Richmond had tumbleweeds,” Daisy reported. “Around 9 a.m. or so I started seeing more people. No one really seemed to understand my shtick. It wasn’t until I wrote ‘Why Lie I Need a Record Deal’ on my sign and started talking gibberish that things really got going.”

In Daisy’s report, she noted being mistaken for a hipster several times throughout the day. It seemed VCU students and faculty were unfazed by Daisy’s holey jeans, plaid shirt, and stained combat boots. Daisy was met with looks ranging from “judgmental as hell” to “indifferent as shit.” She even saw one of her professors during the experiment who, instead of offering kind words or even a smile, completely avoided eye contact and backpedaled in the opposite direction. According to Daisy, “It was a pretty harsh wake up call.” “I never realized how much people look down on the homeless — wait, I’m sorry, they prefer ‘permanent address impaired.’ I learned that when I hung out with a few people in Monroe Park.” Daisy was given a “borrowed” VCU mug from the Virginia Book Company to collect some spare change, and at the end of the day, Daisy examined her haul. Within the pile there was one of those “student work” cards that people pass out around the Commons all the time. You know, those cards that are a total ripoff. There was also a Sweet Frog coupon, probably donated by a generous RA. Perhaps the most surprising thing in the mug was someone’s phone number. This begs the question, are VCU students really that desperate for a hookup or date? Apparently so. Daisy plans on keeping the phone number on the backburner, just in case. Whether the number belongs to a guy or girl doesn’t matter, either. Being wanted is so awesome.

In the end, Daisy came away with a pretty good stash. She was only out there for one day, and in the back of her mind she knew she could go home, pop on Netflix, and eat an embarrassing amount of Chipotle. So, if you’re worried about losing your spot in Ackell next

semester, or worried that you’ll lose your apartment because of your terrible roommate, don’t sweat it — you can last a few days on the streets. After that, though, might as well swallow your pride and resign the lease, even if your roommate hasn’t yet shaken her cryingwhile-pooping habits.


eleven reasons

(and a half )

why you should stop kidnapping the elderly Tex Mex wrote this We know what you’re thinking: “Seriously, The Black Sheep, are you trying to suck the fun out of my Friday nights?” Trust us, we’re more upset about corporate making us write this as some stupid “learn from your mistakes/help us get out of the legal trouble you caused us” piece. So, as useless as it sounds, here’s 11 ½ reasons why you should stop kidnapping the elderly.

1. it’s just too expensive of a hobby

3.you’re running out of ideas for ransom letters

Studies have shown that smoking a pack of cigarettes everyday for a year can end up costing over $2,000. A year of kidnapping old people could cost you $1,000 alone on gas (depending on the location of your preferred retirement home), over $2,000 in pre-chewed foods, $3,000 for assorted entertainment like silk doilies and seasons of Golden Girls on DVD, and $500 for parts and maintenance. Unless you’ve kidnapped an aging Mr. Monopoly, your stupid part-time job isn’t going to cut it.

For the first couple of weeks, there was nothing quite as exciting as writing to morbidly stressedout family members that you have their dear Gammy Marjorie captive and she’s worth approximately “X” amount of dollars. Nowadays, you’re likely too busy to cut individual letters from magazines and you’re running out of eerie, foggy piers to host transactions. You can always send a, “Hi, [FAMILY NAME]. This is [CAPTIVE ELDER]. I am doing fine,” card, but where’s the soul in that?

2. you have your own grandparents Depending on how long you’ve been up to your shenanigans, you could have anywhere from three to three hundred stolen elders crammed into your basement. Why ignore the perfectly sound grandparents you already have at your disposal? We know about the stack of unopened, cheesy Christmas cards sitting on your desk waiting to be opened. For shame.

4. your car will get that new “old people” smell At this point, you definitely shouldn’t be driving your mom’s matte black minivan for your raids anymore because it’s not exactly the most inconspicuous looking vehicle. Depending on how ransom money has gone (if you’re into that sort of thing), you’ve probably treated yourself to a nice early-2000s Honda Civic, or at least a car that makes wide scale abduction a little more tasteful and environmentally friendly. But it’s only a matter of time before that “scented pine” air freshener yields to “formaldehyde and prunes.”


ELEVEN REASONS / STOP KIDNAPPING THE ELDERLY

5. you’re tired of being mistaken for someone’s grandchild Agnes tells you every day that you remind her of her handsome, strapping-young-lad-of-a-grandson, David, and it’s breaking your fucking heart. For the first few weeks, it was fun to humor the Alzheimer’s sufferers of the lot, taking on different personas they found heartwarming. You probably haven’t realized that you ended up with a wicked case of multiple personality disorder, a few good-and-confused elders, and a writhingly depressing story that will probably get picked up by Spielberg in time for the next Academy Awards.

6. they’re causing you to seriously doubt your generation You probably thought that the whole “Back in my day…” story intro was only in the movies, and boy-oh-boy, you couldn’t have been more wrong. At this point, you had to have gone through enough of Boris’ talks about the early 50s to know that being a Millennial is bad, and you should feel horrible about it. Did you know that, back in his day, Americans used to be afraid of red-stained, good-for-nothing Commie bastards rather than flat-out electing one as President? Or how about the fact that Elvis was the real king of rock before those damned Beatles brought long hair and sex appeal to this once-fine country? Yeah, the 90s sure were better times, huh?

7. they don’t make the best sweatshop laborers Let’s be honest for a second, buddy: We all know that some people are in this business just for the money, and that passionless person could very well be you. The flaw in your likely failing operation is that you’ve been abducting the wrong age demographic this whole time. When you order Gertrude to tweak the inner screws of the textile machine, did you take into account that she needs reading glasses? Not to mention that you’ve probably been breaking some sort of labor law because of some dumb Retirement Act that forces you to treat your aging workers like people. You’re operating at a loss, friend, and it might be time to file for bankruptcy before you’re as old as your work force.

8. you’re almost out of random relatives to impersonate It was easy enough the first time to just stroll on in Shady Oaks

and proclaim that you were Bobby [LAST NAME], fit and able to pick up your dear Grandpa [LAST NAME FROM EXCEL SHEET] before wheeling his confused ass straight from the exit ramp to the back of your trunk. However, only an amateur old people snatcher would dare waltz into a nursing home with the same disguise twice. Forty-seven fake occupations and innumerable drag outfits that even Mrs. Doubtfire would find questionable later, your only viable options at this point probably rely heavily on skin pigmentation. Then again, with your track record, it may be clear that the reception staff clearly doesn’t give a shit of who stays and who goes.

9. your social life is suffering Remember the good old days when your friends wanted to play “house” and you always wanted to be the grandparent? Or when you would always insist in high school that you be called “The Grandpappy” with zero explanation? You even don’t go out dressed like a pigeon for the old ladies at the park to get closer to their soft, sagging skin nearly as much as you used to. In between those pastimes and listening to Lawrence Welk vinyls, it’s hard to believe why you would ever even consider kidnapping old people in the first place.

10. you’re eventually going to have to tell the nurse you’ve fallen in love with what you “really” do Your stops at the reception desk are becoming more than just “small-talk chats.” Your first couple dates with Mary were wonderful, and there’s no doubting she’s an absolute angel. Hell, you’re set to meet the parents next week. You know the inevitable “So, X, what exactly do you do for a living?” question is going to pop up, and “entrepreneur” just isn’t going to cut it anymore.

11. you’ve begun to realize that changing catheters isn’t as fun as it sounds To an extent, this one’s very much like hyping up alcohol as a teenager, only to find out that it loses its thrill very

quickly. If you’ve been someone who’s been an equal opportunity kidnapper supporting all old folks without preference, good on you, but that decision’s about to bite you square in the tuckus. Your house smells more of elderly urine than the usual aroma of cat urine, and it has likely made all of the cats you stole last summer incredibly jealous. If you can’t balance the overpowering stench of household urine across all kidnapped parties, you may as well admit that you don’t take abducting geezers seriously, and that’s pretty upsetting to us.

11 1/2. You’ve realized that the police are outside your house Like, they’re literally about to burst through the front door right now. We agreed to tip them off in order to lessen our own sentence. We sincerely apologize, but if it took you the full 11 1/2 reasons before you realized that you needed to get the hell out of dodge and let your people go, then you probably deserved to get caught anyway. Sorry!


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BARTENDER

with a horn? Explain: They are the same thing.

Major: Forensic Science

What bargoer pet peeve would you like to wipe off the face of this earth?: My pet peeve is when people snap at bartenders to get their attention.

Favorite Drink: Margarita Favorite Shot: Fireball How would you spend $1 million in pennies?: I would spend it on penny candy.

ROCKSTAR

What is nature’s sexiest animal?: I think giraffes are the sexiest animal because they are pretty and awkward. What grammar error are you continually guilty of?: I’m not guilty of any grammar error; grammar is actually a pet peeve of mine.

OF THE WEEK

Hannah Poirier of

The Daily Kitchen & Bar

If you had to eat five pounds of one item, what would you choose to eat?: I would eat five pound of lobster because it’s so delicious. Would you rather have a hornless unicorn, or a horse

What’s something that sounds like a sex position, but isn’t?: Downward facing dog sounds like a sex position. If you had to have a hangover or diarrhea for a week, which is it?: I’d prefer a hangover, I’d rather feel sick then have my inside falling out. How do you look yourself in the mirror eye day after what you’ve done?: I don’t do things that I would regret. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: It’s a way for people to update themselves on what is going on at VCU with some humor added.

RECIPE for DISASTER

DRINKING GAME Finger Bowl

Ramen Fried Rice

Drinking games are usually based on skill, which is why, Jesus Christ, Arnold, hit the f***ing cup once in a while, man! Finally we get to share a game based on luck, meaning finally, Arnold, we can mitigate your overall awfulness.

Listen, we know you’re in college and living cheap. If you’re sick of eating at the same Chinese joint that failed its past 11 health inspections or if you’re just too hungover to walk over there, then check out our recipe for Ramen Fried Rice.

What You’ll Need: 1 bowl, different types of alcohol and some fingers. Number of Players: As many that can fit around a table. Level of Intoxication: One person could puke pretty fast, that’s for sure.

What You’ll Need: 1 package of oriental ramen noodles, 1/2 cup peas, 2 eggs, 1 teaspoon sesame oil, 1 pinch white pepper, 1 tablespoon peanut oil, 4 green onions (finely chopped), 1 teaspoon chopped garlic and 1/2-1 cup chopped chicken Cook Time: About five minutes Risk of Self-Induced Food Poisoning: HIGH

How to Play: - Get a bowl and place it in the center of a table. - Everyone should pour some of their alcohol into the bowl. The drinks can be anything—beer, tequila, a rum and Coke, whatever. You can put as much or as little as you want in there as well. - Everyone stands around the table and places one finger on the lip of the bowl. So if there are five people playing, there should be five fingers on the bowl (duh). - All players close their eyes. - One person counts to three. At the count of one, decided whether or not to remove your finger from the bowl. - After he says “three,” everyone shouts out how many fingers they think will remain on the bowl. - Each person needs to account for the number the person to their right announces. - For example, the counter shouts, “one, two, three!” and you say “six,” if there are six fingers left on the bowl, you are out and can sit off to the side until the game is done. - The counter can vary the pace they say the numbers to mess people up when trying to pull their fingers away. - The last person standing has to drink the mixture in the bowl.

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Relationship Status: In a relationship

Let’s Get Baked: - Break the noodles into about six pieces in a bowl, sprinkle with the contents of the seasoning packet and pour boiling water over to cover. - Stir a bit and let soak while you prepare the rest of the recipe. - Rinse peas with hot water in a colander to defrost. - Mix together the eggs, sesame oil, and pepper and set aside. - Heat skillet and add oil. - Add garlic and green onions, stir-fry for 30 seconds. - Add optional meat and peas and stir fry until hot, about one minute. - Drain the noodles well, add to the skillet and stir-fry for another two minutes, stirring constantly. - Stir in the soy sauce. - Pour the eggs into the skillet and continue to cook and stir until the eggs are cooked. -Serve

The Game Ends When: There’s vomit in the bowl, because there probably will be.

If your stomach doesn’t feel like it’s swimming in acid 15 minutes after eating, then congrats, you won’t die!

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!

NOMNOMNOMNOM THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM


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STUDENT WHO GAVE UP JESUS FOR LENT SAYS IT’S GOING “PRETTY OKAY, ACTUALLY” RIMA PARIKH WROTE THIS Midway through Lent, junior Stella McGivern is “doing fine,” as she works through her decision to give up Jesus for Lent. After contemplating between whether to give up checking her Yahoo! Shine horoscope or not, she decided to make the ultimate sacrifice: giving up Jesus. Being a lifelong Catholic, this was initially a giant change for her; however, she has allegedly been doing “just fine, totally” and that her life has been “exponentially better than how it was with Jesus.”

from when she was a fetus. She was beginning to run out of things to give up, as chocolate, reality TV and three of her six toes are all out of the question. McGivern rationalized her decision to drop Jesus, saying: “I wanted to give up something that was significant to me, just to show how committed I am to this thing. Also, I need to know which Arab Spring dictator I am, so giving up Buzzfeed quizzes won’t be possible at this time.”

Her heritage goes back to medieval Ireland, where her Catholic roots originated. “My family’s been devoutly Catholic since forever, like back when people used to shit in buckets and stuff,” she explained. “We’ve always been especially serious about Lent—we celebrate it every month.”

As an alternative to her Christian faith, she first dabbled in Scientology; however, after reminding herself that you had to make at least $3 million per year to be a Scientologist, she ended up switching to full-out atheism. She has reportedly found this to be absolutely freeing, revealing that “being a good Samaritan kinda sucked.”

Thus far, McGivern has participated in 263 months of Lent, beginning

“I think she’s having a little too much fun with this,” commented Remus

McGivern, her father. “She keeps saying things like, ‘We shouldn’t be hampered by traditional notions of religion,’ and ‘Where was God when Grandma fell into that industrial furnace, huh?’ We didn’t raise her to be this demon-child without values.” “I’ve just been stressing the importance of the individual and our independent choices,” she responded defiantly. “You don’t need a higher power to tell you how to live your life. So far, I’ve gotten like, six abortions in the past couple of weeks. It’s been awesome!” She then proceeded to steal a Twix bar from a small child, which was like, so Atheist of her. Luckily, we were able to get a word from The Man himself, Jesus Christ. When McGivern’s name was brought up, He rolled his eyes. “Whatever. Let’s be honest, it isn’t much of a loss now, is it? She used to be okay, but like a week ago, I saw

her taking Jell-O shots in a public restroom. Her life’s clearly going downhill without Me, but it’s her choice. I don’t want to be involved with that hot mess. Anyway, I’m going to go deal with Syria now or something,” Jesus said. “The devil can take that bitch, like honestly.”

Pope Francis stepped in, claiming that “He didn’t really mean that, now did you, babe?” According to bystanders, he allegedly shot a furtive glance to Christ, whispering something about “how we have like, five fucking followers right now, so like,

let’s not talk shit about them, okay?” According to McGivern, this has been the most liberating experience of her life; she plans to stay Atheist. As part of her spiritual journey, she hopes to tackle radical feminism in the near future.

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THE COLLEGE GAMEDAY SEEK AND FIND Can you find all of the images below in this College Gameday scene?


the crossword famous steve(n)s ACROSS: 3) American political satirist, comedian and television host. 6) Steve Irwin died from this animal. 8) Steve Jobs created this revolutionary brand. 10) Steve Carell shouts this person’s name while getting waxed in 40 Year-Old Virgin, two words. 12) This famous Stephen is a celebrity physicist. 14) Shia LaBeouf was the lead actos in this Disney Channel show, two words. 16) He directed Jaws and E.T., just to name a few. 17) Stephen Colletti, also know at “Ste-phennnn!” was first

daying who on Laguna Beach? 19) This fictional Steve famously said, “Did I do that?” DOWN: 1) In our humble opinion, the best host of Family Feud. 2) Stephen Hillenburg created this popular Nickelodean animated series. 3) Steven Tyler is the lead singer of this band. 7) This famous Stevie sang “Edge of Seventeen.” 8) This Steve is Stone Cold 9) Brothers Alex, Daniel, Wiliam and Stephen.11) Stephen, the “City Surrounded by Gold, is in which state? 13) Blind musician born in Sag-

inaw, Michigan. 15) This Stephen wrote the lyrics for West Side Story. 18) Stephen King’s The Shining has this infamous saying, two words.

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six degrees of separation

do you know how chevy chase and quentin tarantino are connected? send your answers to sixdegrees@theblacksheeponline.com and if you’re right, you’ll win a sweet prize!

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VCU - Issue 1 - 3/20/2014  

VCU - Issue 1 - 3/20/2014

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