The Black Sheep • a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
F yo ree. u g .. l et ike re ho je ct w yo ed u fr ’ll om be ba wo tt rk en in sc g if ho ol .
Volume 2, Issue 4 3/21/13 - 4/3/13
Major Rejection spenser wrote this
No, this is not the embarrassing rejection of a possible lover, but the evermore crushing refusal of acceptance from that one distinct major you expected to determine the rest of your life. For most second year students, it is that crucial time of year that determines their lot in life. You may think we’re being dramatic, but you won’t feel that way when you find yourself incinerating the J.P. Morgan business cards you made for yourself in second grade after being heartlessly denied by the Comm School. The McIntire School of Commerce is only one of the many majors that ruthlessly build up the hopes of prospective students, only to strike any aspirations down with a Zeus-like power, producing weeping Wahoos mourning the loss of their aspired-for careers. Other malicious majors bare their teeth in the form of the Batten School, Media Studies, and slightly more obscure majors that choose to use acronyms like PPL and PST. Just like any other significant life trauma, UVA students follow a grieving process. Many of you jilted individuals have been campaigning for your future career for a very long time. In the second grade you began preparation for your future political career by distributing free juice boxes at lunch with your name scribbled on them in crayon. Your intensive campaign continues all the way into college until that fateful e-mail presents itself in your inbox. But no. Sorry, no Batten School, buddy. With your heart in your throat, and tears welling up in your eyes you read . . . We regret to inform you… The crushing wave of defeat hits you head on and sets in motion the five phases of grief.
The first stage of denial encompasses the plausible excuses we devise to make ourselves feel better. We tell ourselves that Maybe they got the wrong transcript…. Did I remember to send in my essay? It’s almost April 1st, this must be a cruel joke. Despite the many justifications we students conjure, there soon comes the time when we move on to the next stage of major rejection grief: blinding anger. Why did I come to this school anyway? Ooooh UVA, you’re so prestigious and great, yeah, well, not great enough to let me into your stupid program. Politics is a waste of time, and who is this Frank Batten dude? I’m just going to pull an Edgar Allen Poe and dropout, hey it worked for him. This stage is necessary to release your rage. Just make sure to do it in private rather than broadcasting your negative sentiments on Facebook or Twitter, you never know where T. Sully may be lurking. Once the anger has finally abated, you may still realize that yeah, I do like politics I was just a tad upset. Consequently we move on to stage 3: bargaining. I promise I will study every day if you just let me into the Batten School. I’ll limit myself to only going out on Thursdays, and only streak The Lawn twice a semester, and I’ll donate a portion of my future excessive salary to the Batten School if you’ll just let me in. This tactic is 99.9% unsuccessful, not to mention pitiful. However, your fruitless efforts help you to realize that you are not getting in, and bargaining is not going to help. Oh by the way, the 0.1% when it works is only if you have pictures that you threaten to send to The Black Sheep.
Frightening Underside to Brown
They’re not just fuzzy hippies!
On to depression. It’s over. UVA has squandered my dreams and I will now be disowned by my parents. Yes, the same ones who paid for me to learn so I could earn a living, then buy them a nice retirement home or a sports car. Instead, I will be spending my time, as Chris Farley “living in a van down by the river” bluntly put it. Might as well pack up your blue and orange duffel and leave before you have to face your destined-to-be-more-successful peers. Okay, so living down by the river may have been an exaggeration. Maybe you’ll just end up in a trailer park off a semi-paved road. Not gaining acceptance into your major does not mean you are a total failure… it just means you have failed in the field you wanted to spend the remainder of your life in …but not to worry! There may be an answer at the bottom of that wine bottle in the kitchen
and you will soon be on your wobbly way to the final stage… acceptance. You’re forced to learn to accept the loss of the major you were once hopeful for, and you will move on to a new one. If you wanted to get into the Comm School, there is always Econ! Did you have high hopes of being a diplomat after entering the Batten School? Hello government major! Maybe you can still print “wonk” on your card! Rejected from media studies? Whaddup English major. PPL didn’t want to accept you either? What is PPL anyway? Regardless, there are a wealth of majors that UVA has to offer, and just because you had your sights set on that one enticing subject area, does not mean that you can’t fulfill your dreams with a different major. You may just have to work a little harder or do some elbow rubbing with the dean. Hey gotta do what you gotta do to be successful in life.
UVA’s New Highest Accomplishment: The OCC
Bartender of the week
Confessions, crushes, overheard. Yeah, it’s some pretty neat stuff.
Jessie from Baja Bean likes Mardi Gras and unicorns. Ahh, a lady after our own heart.
contents page 5: Top 10: Tips for Finishing the Semester Strong
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? firstname.lastname@example.org
And by strong, we mean bribing with barrels of cheese balls.
page 6: Chlamydia Attacks PCB Leaving Hundreds of UVA Students Itchy, Uncomfortable
Alcohol, Hangover, Chlamydia…who are these people, and why do they insist on ruining Spring Break for us?
pages 7: from the streets
if you were any mythical creature, what would you be?
page 10: NCAA Bracket Selection Bracket Oh, your bracket is already screwed? What a surprise!
page 13: How to Properly Lose an Argument with Your Girlfriend
Lover spats are fundamentally sex-delayers, and real winners know how to lose.
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Any use of one’s body part for humorous effect. “When Dave lit a fart that started Ryan’s hair on fire, it was anacomical to the second degree, as were Ryan’s burns.”
Frightening Underside to Brown (They’re not just fuzzy hippies) Annie Madrigal wrote this Every conscious UVA student has a tenuous grasp on Brown College’s reputation. Brown, the funky granola option in the on-grounds housing buffet, is known for its crunchy residents as well as being a haven for those who feel they don’t quite fit in with “the rest of UVA.” In other words, their social skills are more evolved than those who slum it in Lambeth. In other other words, they lack basic social graces. Hearing that someone lives in Brown comes with preconceived notions of Doc Martens and fan fiction-y tendencies, but nothing too alarming as long as they stick to their own exclusive dining section in Newcomb. But what the masses of Andy Bernards and Regina Georges that teem through the streets of the University of Virginia don’t know, is that there is a seedy underside to the commune on Monroe Hill we all know and tolerate. When prospective Brownies apply to join a community of tolerance, creativity, and Chacos, they fill out an application meant to weed out the conformist sheep. Applicants can expect questions such as “What would you do to change the world,” and “Tell us about the rock you lived under for your childhood.” What you didn’t know? When their acceptance comes on the wings of a flying PBR (that might be the ‘shrooms talking), they have been ranked in order of most… Browniest? This list is then used throughout the year to remind everyone who is top tier and who are the dregs of weirdo camp. Of course, this makes perfect sense; no one should be allowed to forget his or her place in the case of an emergency séance drum circle event. The list can then be used to settle disputes by allowing students to pull rank. One Brownie, the self-proclaimed Windsong Cullen described the perks of the ranking process: “It’s great for when I need to watch my manga porn alone – I can just send my subordinate plebian of a roommate out.” Presumably to wander dejectedly through the tunnels that connect Brown. The tunnels beneath Brown do give a sense of mystery and even a bit of hope that there might be something cool about the residential college. However, there is no basilisk to be found in the weird labyrinthine passages (a blow to any potential street cred for residents). While we wouldn’t put it past Brownies to harbor a giant slimy creature underneath the portals, said grimeball is more of a Gollum character, and he listens to Japanese noise rock and only eats socially conscious Pringles flavors.
While srat stars wiggle their scrawny bodies in their collective Burnett’s stupors at frat houses, date functions, and apartment parties (“roomie picture!! #idgaf”), Brownies may be up to a whole other world of shenanigans, both nerdy and borderline illegal. They’d rather spend hours in drag and making uncomfortable comments on every listserv they can get their hands on than Snapchat their genitals stuck in a 40oz (even though they could probably come up with a better caption). So during your next walk of shame, complete with the smell of stale jungle juice and Adidas cologne, consider our local Tobias Fünkes and Meg Griffins content with their own brand of college. Let us celebrate Brown College, seedy underside and all; for without them, we would just be another Washington and Lee.
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Tips For Finishing The Semester Strong
Spring break is over and it’s time to start locking down those C-pluses and B-minuses. Does this mean it’s the end of the party? Hell no! We’ve got tips to keep you partying and still be successful. 10.) Do your homework drunk: Some French professors tell their students to have a glass of wine before they come in for an exam, because apparently it makes them more confident. So go pick up a few 40s of confidence and drink until those Fs turn into As. 9.) Sell all of your books right away: You HAVE to beat the end-of-semester crowds at the bookstore. In fact, just sell them before exams. This will not only save you time later on, it will also give you money for pizza, coffee, and Adderall. 8.) Avoid class study sessions: Remember those dudes who showed up only once for class? Well, turns out they, shockingly, didn’t learn jack squat. Going to a study session means you’ll be stuck trying to figure out a semester’s worth of curriculum with these slackers, so it’s best to not go. Instead, try going to the bars your professors go to. Nothing says “I’d like some special consideration” like buying your professor a shot.
UVA’s New Highest Accomplishment: The OCC
7.) Party as much as possible: Exercise does the body and mind good, and everyone knows how much of a sweat you can break when getting your groove on down on Broad Street. Make sure to drink plenty of fluids too, like beer! It’s got plenty of carbohydrates to power your brain and the water it kind of contains will keep you hydrated. 6.) Take acid: You need an extra creative boost for your papers, and Mr. Unicorn and his Sunshine Band sure do have some crazy awesome ideas for your paper on medieval studies. You might even get to interview a dragon! 5.) Bribe your professor: This one is serious business. If you haven’t already, keep an eye out for what your professor likes and doesn’t like, then make sure you get it in bulk. Nothing says “I’d love an A++” like 36 barrels of cheese balls or a crate of knockoff Ray-Bans.
Katrina Margolis wrote this What’s an OCC? Confessions, Crushes, Overheard. Add UVA before each one of these and you’ve stumbled across the newest Facebook page fad. Students at all of the colleges are making them, and UVA has followed suit. But how does one earn the fabled OCC? By appearing on all three Facebook pages. Sure, it’s easy to cheat your way through by sending in messages with your own name or having friends post things about you, but what is the fun in that? You can’t vote for yourself to win an Oscar, you just have to cut off all your hair and sing dramatically for about twenty minutes before your character dies. So have a little a dignity please, and your sense of accomplishment when you do achieve this great honor will be that much greater. A few tips on making a splash on the internet: UVA Crushes: If you’re a first year, try to be as adorable and innocent as possible. You also have newness on your side. Fourth years have been around for a while, and while first years have some competition, there is a sense of curiosity that comes with being new, so work it. Don’t go too far or your reputation might be well, tainted… but, by simply wearing absurdly low cut clothing and skin hugging dresses, you’ll definitely catch someone’s eye. If you’re a fourth year, work your older, distinguished look. Bring out those abs, rub some oil on those pecks and kill the lax bro hair. And regardless of age, be sure to introduce yourself to those around you at all times. With your name out there someone is bound to put you on UVA Crushes soon enough.
Overheard at UVA: This is easy, really. Come up with the most ridiculous things you can think of and just go around saying them loudly. Your best bet is to head over to one of the libraries and “whisper” something crazy about what you did last weekend to a friend. If it involves jumping off of a roof, or chugging insane amounts of alcohol, someone will probably find it entertaining. In addition, saying things that feed directly into a stereotype of the “frat bro” are usually considered humorous. You might want to speak slowly and say “uh” a lot to amp up the effect. Bonus points if you end up on this page unintentionally. UVA Confessions: Gold stars all around if you are actually mentioned by name, but if you were simply involved in the situation that still counts. This is tricky, you don’t want yourself associated with some awful deed or wrongdoing, but it needs to be specific enough that you will know it’s referring to you. Head to a party and cause a (legal) ruckus. Try not to break any windows or injure anyone. That could just get you in trouble, and then it’s not a confession it’ll probably just be news. So gather up your oil, prepare yourself for high jumps, and head out to the libraries with some fun, even made-up, stories. To achieve a true OCC, try not to get arrested, and remember not to post about yourself. On your mark, get set, go! Good luck on our ventures, ladies and gentlemen (and please don’t pull an Anne Hathaway).
4.) Host a BYOB study group: Although you should avoid these, hosting an exclusive group of all those nerds who went to class every day will boost your grade. Get your fellow scholars drunk, and they’ll throw all kinds of helpful information your way. What, you didn’t know that Massachusetts was conquered by Spain in 1492? 3.) Eat walnuts: Walnuts are supposed to be a super food for the brain, so we suggest an all-walnut diet. Walnut shakes, walnut hot dogs, walnut burgers, walnut milk; even if you’re allergic, it’ll pay off in the end when your brain has more RAM than an IBM supercomputer. Also, try eating RAM. 2.) Play video games: You need to keep your mind stimulated, so why not keep your brain working by beating the brains out of someone else? We recommend anything with gore, chainsaws, or bunnies. 1.) Cry: This is usually the first thing anyone does when there’s an impossible test on the horizon, so start your morning fresh with some all-natural salt flavored eye drops.
tbs staff wrote this
Chlamydia Attacks PCB Leaving Hundreds of UVA Students Itchy, Uncomfortable tbs staff wrote this Police in Panama City Beach, Florida, have confirmed an attack on the large group of students there for spring break by the infamous criminal Chlamydia. Little is known about the so-called “burning bandit,” other than he prefers to strike where masses of horny coeds have gathered. Official reports put the number of UVA students affected by the attacks in the hundreds, as Panama City Beach is a prime spring break locale for many students. Officer Stuart Pinkman, a PCB police officer, spoke with The Black Sheep via telephone. “Every spring it’s the same story. We try to prepare for this guy, but it’s like we can never catch him, although everyone else seems to be. We’re not sure why he targets places where undergrads are drunk and away from home, it just seems to be a part of his M.O.” Officer Pinkman continued, “Luckily, Chlamydia seems to be an in-and-out perp. He comes in, strikes a couple hundred people, and is gone a week or two later. It’s insane. It’s like he gives them just enough time to regret last week’s decisions, then he disappears. We want to assure the public that we’re doing everything we can to catch him.” Stacy, a freshman at UVA who wished to be identified by a pseudonym, recounts her harrowing experience during the attack. “We were just drinking a lot ya’ know. Like, tons. I got a really badass fake so I could get into all the good bars. Guys were just throwing drinks at me, it was so cray, I don’t really remember what happened the whole time we were there, but it was such an AWE-
SOME trip. Then, I get back to class this week and my whole downstairs situation is acting up. I was like WTF.” Stacy continued, “Apparently I had been attacked by that asshole Chlamydia and had no idea. I don’t understand how he got me, I was blacked out the whole time I was in PCB and only slept with, like, eight guys, I think.” Jonathan, an UVA student also going by a pseudonym for this story, related an attack by Chlamydia and also, suspected accomplices. “The night started pretty tame. I was having a few drinks to get my confidence up to dance with a girl that was about a 7. You don’t want to start too high, that’s a quick way to crash and burn. Anyway, so I start dancing with her and we start talking and hit it off. Next thing I knew, I had Alcohol whispering in my ear to take her outside to my buddy’s car. ‘He won’t mind,’ he said. ‘He’s a total bro; you’d do it for him!’” Jonathan continued, “So me and this chick had a really romantic first date in the back of his Honda Accord. Everything was great, but apparently somewhere in those passionate five minutes, Chlamydia struck. Now, today, it hurts to pee and I can’t even have the lights on in my room because of that bastard Hangover. My life is irreparably changed for the next 48 hours, when these drugs run their course.” PCB Police are investigating Alcohol and the notorious Hangover as accomplices to Chlamydia in his weeklong crime spree. Officer Pinkman commented, “It seems that Alcohol likes to set up the
attack from Chlamydia. Most of these students are unsuspecting of him, but they do expect the Hangover, who seems to show up constantly. We’re using every resource available to track down these sick bastards and bring them to justice.” UVA Student Health Services issued a statement to the student body advising those that may have fallen victim to this attacker. The statement was published on their website and reads, “Due to the high volume of victims in this recent attack, the Elron Health Services will be handing out antibiotics at the Union from 10-2 every day this week to ensure all students are free from the burning sensation of regret.”
From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
If you were any mythical creature, what would you be? “A dragon, because they breathe fire.” - Autumn
“A unicorn because they’re majestic.” - Grace
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t e k c a r b Ncaa t e k c a r b n o i t c e l e s
It's bracket season, and with it, all the insane ways millions of people make irrational decisions in hopes of eking out a few extra tax-free bucks. Well, not to get too meta, but we've decided to release our bracket on bracket selection processes. Which methods are most and least effective? Hint: Cuteness of animals has no correlation on basketball success.
This week we had an opportunity to catch up with Erin Burke-Morgan, guitarist for post-rock monolith Caspian. These Massachusetts instrumentalists released their fourth album, Waking Season, in 2012, and are currently touring the United States to support it. We talked… well, we talked about that album, and touring in support of it. The Black Sheep: You guys are touring right now, where are you? Erin Burke-Moran: We’re in Portland, Oregon. TBS: When you tour, do you have the opportunity to take in the sights? Erin: You know what, on this tour it’s not so much sights. In the United States the drives are so long, the four or five days we have off are driving days. We went to a place called Voodoo Doughnuts today. TBS: They have a bunch of wacky doughnuts, right? Erin: Yeah, I had some crazy mango-filled doughnut. And that’s kind of cool, it balances out not being able to see anything. TBS: Since you’ve been on tour, we’re sure you’re tired. What does fatigue mean for a band? Are you mentally exhausted? Physically? Erin: We all have our routines before going on stage every night. We have a stretch routine we go through each night, and that puts you in the music mindset. But yeah, I think the lack of sleep, in and out of reality, makes performing easier. At one point you’re in this wacked out zone in a van, then it’s like, stage time, and you know it’s time to perform. TBS: What’s your pre-show routine? Erin: Listen to some music, have a brew, and I do my stretches for twenty minutes before we play. I’ll catch the last song of the band performing before us, then it’s go time. TBS: Is the stretching a precautionary measure, or in response to an injury? Erin: (laughs) I’ve actually hurt myself a couple of times. I’m not old, but I’m getting older, you know? In 2010 we were in the middle of a tour and I swear to god, I gave myself whiplash. (laughs) It was hard playing two more weeks with an injured neck. TBS: How long does it take you to hit your stride on tour? Erin: It’s usually a week or so before you really get into a zone. Once we get there we try to stick with it. Of course you get tired. We were over in Europe last summer, and some of the craziest shows were at the end of the tour, and you have to stay up for those. TBS: What are you most looking forward to when you get back from tour? Erin: I mean, just having dinner with my girlfriend. I’ve been with her for three years now, so it’s tough getting away. TBS: What do you go for when you’re recording music? Erin: It’s different for every record. On Waking Season we were going for an ambient sound. About three quarters of the way through it we looked back and realized, “Wow, a lot of these songs are similar.” That’s when you know it’s natural. Now we’re performing it live and deciding what’s next. TBS: A running theme in music, what is that a result of? Erin: Our method usually involves someone getting an idea for a melody or a chord progression or a skeleton of a song. We’ll get together and jam on it. We just record ideas or practice sessions on an iPhone, then build from there. TBS: Are there ever heated arguments regarding music, or is it mostly eye rolls? Erin: It goes back and forth. There’s days where we’re looking at the floor, not being able to stand looking at each other. There’s other times when everyone just needs to step outside and smoke a cigarette. One thing that was great about Waking Season we got past inhibitions and insecurities, and found ways to communicate. TBS: Do you pay attention to criticism or acclaim from music press? Erin: I think we like to say we make music for each other; that we play what we’re happy with. The more we do this, the more we learn we can’t make everyone happy. To some degree you have to write for your fans, what’s been important to us is making music we can vibe with. Response from friends, interestingly enough, is when listening to Waking Season they’d uncover new stuff and it’d settle in with them. That’s a great response. TBS: But do you go, “Yeah! Spin gave us a nine!” or “Motherfucker, why did you give us a three?” Erin: (laughs) I mean, you read the reviews. It’s always funny to see what people say. It’s also just… part of the whole thing. TBS: What’s some music you’re into that your bandmates say, “Man, I can’t believe you listen to this garbage.”? Erin: (laughs) Not so much anymore, but I started playing guitar at fifteen, and some of my favorite bands were Live and Bush. Bandmates would give me such a hard time about that. Nowadays, I’m always trying to get them to play weird chords, and they won’t do it. That’s kind of the beauty about writing in a band, collectively coming to decisions.
the big three
entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.
NCAA March Madness March 21st - 24th
There's nothing quite like celebrating the end of winter hibernation than by getting mad during the month of March and bingewatching basketball in your living room. Have your brackets handy, your refrigerator stocked, and your comfiest party pants on, because you're going to be glued to the TV for four straight days. Good luck trying to go to class.
The Strokes - Comedown Machine out march 26th
Acclaimed indie rockers The Strokes are back with their fifth studio album, Comedown Machine. Suckily off of a mediocre 2011 album, sexy Juilan Casablancas and the rest of the bros say that this album returns to the sound from their classic first album Is This It. Be sure to check out the album's single, "All The Time."
Wavves - Afraid of Heights out march 26th
Goofy and perpetually stoned Nathan Williams, the head honcho behind surfer noise/rock band Wavves, has managed to remain relevant since his 2008 debut. Despite multiple band line-up changes, Wavves is cruising along at full force with the release of Afraid of Heights. Their fourth studio also includes two cameos by Jenny Lewis of Rilo Kiley fame, which is all one needs to say for us to pay attention.
bartender of the week Jessie Baja bean How long have you been bartending: Two years at Baja Bean, but five in all. Favorite drink: Shot of bourbon, Pepsi, and Bud Light mix. Least favorite to make: Frozen strawberry margarita Best night working: Mardi Gras, it was so fun. Lots of boobs. Worst night to work: None. It’s always fun. Worst patron: None, there are a lot of regulars. Favorite Patron: Myself. Shout out to my Wednesday night Baja pitcher crew. Best drunk story: Mardi Gras. Everyone was wasted, no fights, and no blackouts. Favorite Bar: Tin Roof in Nashville, Tennessee.
the drinking game: march madness
It’s that glorious time of year again, the NCAA College Basketball Tournament. It’s all anyone will be talking about for the next couple weeks, so you might as well get drunk enough to not cringe at the throaty gurgling of Dickie V’s voice. What You’ll Need: Beer, eyeballs, a television Number of Players: The more (who bring beer) the merrier! Intoxication Level: It’s a slam dunk. How to Play: Take one drink - For every “official” reference of a field of “68 teams” - For every Buffalo Wild Wings commercial - For every 60 Minutes commercial - Every time Dickie V. says something incredibly predictable on ESPN - Every floor slap
Take two drinks - For every ol’ fashioned college-hustle play - When the higher seed goes up by ten - For every Craig Sager appearance - Every time a school’s band sadly attempts a pop song - When Marv Albert makes basketball seem poetically absurd Finish your drink - For every upset - For every correct pick in your bracket - When you realize you’re watching TruTV long after the games have finished - For every buzzer-beater - Before the guy you owe a lot of money to breaks your legs The Game Ends When: The games end, dummy.
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Best hangover cure: Greasy food and the hair of whatever bit you. Thoughts on UVA: Love living here, local, everyone’s nice. In Pennsylvania everyone’s an asshole If you could bartend anywhere, where would it be: Here. Girl Crush: My boss, Stacey. ABC Crackdown: They’ve been in. They just check to make sure you’re checking the date on IDs. Weirdest drink order: Corona with grenadine. If you could be any mythical creature: Unicorn, they’re awesome, they fly, and heal any wound with tears!
recipe for disaster:
Nutella Cool Whip Popsicles We’re sick of winter and its iron-fisted, anti-popsicle policies. Just because it’s cold outside doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be able to make it cold inside our mouths! What better way to make winter go away by denying its existence and eating a frozen treat? What you’ll need: Cool Whip, Nutella, milk, blender, and one of those popsicle-makers (though an ice cube tray would work in a pinch). Cook Freeze Time: 3 hours Fatty Factor: Just tell yourself eating Cool Whip and Nutella in popsicle form isn’t as bad as sneaking spoonfuls of each at 3 in the morning. Let’s Get Baked: To make three popsicles: - Put 1 cup Cool Whip, ½ cup milk, and 3 Tbsp. Nutella into a blender - Blend - Pour gooey goodness into popsicle molds/ice cube tray/ shot glasses - DON’T pour gooey goodness into your mouth, you impatient fat ass - Freeze for a few hours - Eat all three in one sitting It doesn’t have to be summer out to enjoy frozen treats, just like it doesn’t have to be the weekend to be drunk at 11 a.m.
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how to Properly Lose an Argument With Your Girlfriend TBS staff wrote this We hope that couch of yours is comfortable, because tonight’s slumber will reside on its cushions. Men have the insatiable appetite for winning arguments with their significant other, but a victorious celebration often leads to a night full of regret and unseen emotional collateral. Theory: Even when we think we’ve won an argument, we haven’t. Men are led to believe the crying we hear after a fierce exchange means victory, but this belief is a common misconception— women cry after an argument only to recharge their emotional battery and better prepare for an intense counterattack. When the war has already been won, the meaningless battles that ensue are nothing but a fast track to the dog house, and therefore, a well-scripted dive is the only logical option. Materials: - First, confirm that you do, in fact, have a girlfriend. Although arguing with random women on the street can be entertaining, it is frowned upon in most communities and can lead to legal issues (or a swift kick to the groin). - Attire is vital in the beginning stages of the encounter. Make sure to wear something you know she hates, and will then bring up to better her argument.
Example: “…and you let yourself go! You wear that STUPID jersey your brother bought you every day!”
- Any items or evidence that can be used against you in the heat of an argument. Example: “Wait… Is that the ELECTRIC BILL I told you to pay two weeks ago?!” What to Say: In order to maximize the probability of a loss, be sure to inject the following lines at various times during the encounter: - “Well I didn’t KNOW that, okay?” - “I guess I didn’t think of it like that…” - “How was I supposed to know that?” (Can also include: “Now I can see why you’re upset.”) - “I wouldn’t have done it if I knew you’d be this angry.” Please Note: Never, under any circumstances use the following statements; your girlfriend will be able to identify an intentional surrender, which may result in ruthless attacks on your wellbeing. - “You’re right babe, I’m sorry.” - “You’re always right about this kind of stuff…” Warning: - Do not engage in argumentative behavior near/around sharp objects or open flame, this may result in bodily harm or death.
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Troubleshooting Problem: No matter what vulgar things I say and how offensive I act towards her, she continues to apologize and refuses to accept the notion that she is right. Solution: Your argument needs to be specially constructed to press certain buttons of hers. It is not necessarily the vulgarity of what you say or act, but rather the material of your argument that will instigate her to believe you are the wrong one. Try bringing up sensitive subjects such as previous girlfriends, her weight, how you want to spend more time hanging out with your friends, or her lack of common sense.
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- Refrain from bringing your girlfriend’s family life to the discussion table, this also may result in bodily harm or death. - UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES ask about your girlfriend’s menstrual cycle, this WILL result bodily harm, then death.
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the madlib: hungover at the gym Oh my ___1___, why am I here? I am sort of glad my bitch of a roommate is dragging my ___2___ ___3___ here to ___4___ on the elliptical, but only because I’m still kind of ___5___. All right, I’m going to try the treadmill first, get the hardest one out of the way. Hopefully ___6___ is on, it’s the perfect thing to stare at mindlessly. Okay, got my earbuds in, blasting ___7___ so loud I hope I knock this tiny Asian next to me off her machine. First minute done -- I’m not doing too shabby! Except my head is pounding like ___8___ would pound ___9___ after a roofied ___10___ or two, so maybe I’ll just run a mile. Maybe I’ll walk the last half. God, the Asian is giving me the stink eye, maybe because I’m sweating out all the ___11___ from last night and smell like the floor of ___12___. You know what, screw this. I’ll try the elliptical, at least it’ll make the bouncing of my head more subtle. Lord, why do all these girls look perfect while I’m sweating and shaky like I took a bunch of ___13___ in ___14___. Whatever, I can do this! Perfect, a machine open next to the ___15___ girl so I can feel better about myself. Damn, she makes Kim Kardashian’s ___16___ look small. Okay, of course she’s watching ___17___ make ___18___, what the hell! Just focus on ___19___ getting drunk and making bad decision, wow, I’m not really as bad as them. Sure, I danced on ___20___ bar last night and slipped on a pile of ___21___ but at least I didn’t get arrested! That ___22___ looks so good my stomach is growling like a ___23___ . I can’t do this. Okay I see my roommate, I’m gonna motion that I’m going to just chill out on the bike until she’s done. I’m going to cool down, put on some ___24___ and just mellow out and… …. I cannot believe I feel asleep on the bike. Thank God my roommate is ready to leave, I need ___25___ ASAP and maybe a ___26___ .
Meet The Staff campus manager Jakob Scheidt Editorial manager Pierce Bishop Advertising Manager It could be you! Apply now! Writers Spencer Schloss, Ana Saragoza Robert Mongi photographer John Soong distribution manager Heather Lister Social media manager Monica Mohapatra promotions manager Ruoxi Cao
1) Swear word 2) Synonym for big 3) Plural body part 4) Verb 5) Synonym for drunk 6) MTV show 7) Intense rapper 8) Slutty male celebrity 9) Whorish girl you know 10) Girly drink 11) Liquor 12) Popular bar 13) Party drug 14) Hot exotic location 15) Synonym for big 16) Body part 17) Famous chef 18) Typical drunk food 19) MTV character 20) Bar from #12 21) Liquid 22) Food from #17 23) Wild animal 24) Indie band 25) Food from #17 26) Cocktail
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The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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Virginia - 3/21/2013 - Issue 4