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The Black Sheep

F po REE ms ... l lef ike t o the ver or af ang ter e ba and sk et whi ba te ll p ga om me s.

• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 2, Issue 4 • 1/31/13 - 2/6/13 @blacksheepUTK

super bowl party misfits tbs staff wrote this

Ah, the Super Bowl is here, and because this gladiatorial battle is at our doorstep, it’s time to look at those people who show up year after year to every single Super Bowl party. Those who not only make complete asses of themselves, but also seem to make complete asses of the NFL in general. This ode to the misfits of Super Bowl XLVII (47, for those of you who hate Rome) will specifically honor each individual and their attempt to sabotage everyone else’s good time. Drunken Annoying Relative: Whether it’s your father, uncle, cousin, or sibling, this individual requires 15 beers to watch a football game, at minimum. After drinking all of the beer within a seven mile radius, this prick won’t quit until he has screamed at the referees eight times, broken your remote, thrown up all over your new carpet, punched his brother in the face, and drunk dialed his ex-wife. The Annoying Girl Who Doesn’t Understand Football: Sure enough, at every Super Bowl party there’s a girl who can’t stand that everyone’s attention is focused on something other than herself. Thus, she attempts to insert herself into every situation by talking about the game. However, it becomes evident this girl doesn’t know a football from a soldering iron when she opens her mouth. “Who’s winning the match? Has Kobe Bryant scored a goal yet? Are the Predators or the Diamondbacks winning?” The Compulsive Gambler: Many people enjoy placing the occasional bet, and there’s nothing wrong with a little friendly wager. However, gambling has an entirely different meaning to this person. Somehow this dude has wagered on every aspect of the game, including things you had no idea could be wagered on. “Guys, if the Ravens don’t kick a field goal between 55 and 65 yards within the final two minutes of the first quarter, I’m out three grand.” Also, where did he get all this money? Somehow you can’t help but think this person’s Super Bowl night is going to end violently in a dark alley. The Other Sports Fan: Someone always seems to be extremely vocal about how much football sucks compared to their sport. “Football is for a bunch of wussies who use pads and time outs. Soccer doesn’t have these things.” “The Stanley Cup is a much better trophy than anything in the NFL.” “Football only plays one game, while the World Series is the best of seven.” Don’t invite these people. Tell them to stay home and drink their own damn beer. The Sketchy Person You Don’t Know: Bringing your friend along as a plus one to a party is usually a good thing. This friend could be super hot or bring a taco twelve pack and a bottle of RumpleMinze; they’re positively contributing to the party. But things don’t always

Top 10: Brother vs. Brother Rivalries Which siblings will go down in history as the biggest rivals?

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work out so nicely. We all know that kid who pukes on the floor, stinks up your bathroom with violent diarrhea, and ends up stealing fifty dollars and a pair of your girlfriend’s underwear. He’s not as funny as you think, so think ahead and leave that sorry kid out of the mass party text. The Ad Obsessor: Not only does this person talk at an eardrumshattering volume throughout the game, but they also find a way of being an even bigger hassle by shushing everyone in the room so they can watch all the commercials. “I mean, how can they top the little kid Darth Vader and the Doritos commercials from last year?” “I don’t understand why boys like silly football over the new Lexus commercial!” The only thing that’s worse is when she wants to flip the channel to the Puppy Bowl.

what'’s inside

The Overbearing Hostess: At first, having someone give you a new beer as soon as you finished the old one is pretty sweet. That is until that same someone asks if you want more guacamole dip every three minutes. And why hasn’t anyone eaten any of her famous chili? Eventually she feels like a failure and goes off to cry endlessly in the kitchen, preventing you from hearing the announcers over her notentirely muffled sobs. These misfits always seek to ruin your Super Bowl fun, not necessarily intentionally, but don’t let them bring you down this year. Stop them from entering the door to ensure guests that your Super Bowl party is the hippest thing since the invention of HD.

The tale of a Boy and his Tortoise

bartender of the week

The little-known story of where the 49ers quarterback gets his mojo.

Sean, an aspiring Angel, will serve you whiskeys and $2 beers at Sunspot.

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Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults?

page 4: UT Alerts: Call in the Batman

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No one understands, enjoys, or learns anything from UT Alerts. But everybody benefits from The Bat.

page 7: From the Streets

Table of

With the ever-popular Super Bowl approaching, what part are people most looking forward to?

pages 10: The Super Bowl Drinking Game Go on and play our drinking game while you watch the big game.

page 11: We Interview: tyrone wells Be sure to check out Tyrone Wells latest album This Love, and catch him on tour starting in February!

page 15: the wordsearch can you find all of the nfl teams?

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page three p e e h S k c a l B e h T ile App

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Rag Malls Ink last week’s answers

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word of the week Dispoop:

An argument between two people stemming from a floater left in the toilet. “Man, we can just end this dispoop if you admit that you dropped a deuce and forgot to flush before you left for your lit class.”

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UT Alerts: Call In the Batman

Tennessee Staff wrote this

How helpful are UT Alerts, really? Trying to decipher what a UT Alert says at 3 a.m. can be troublesome, especially when the usual texts you get at that time are jumbled sex requests. There have been plenty of times where we, sober, have mistaken an alert for a drunk booty-call simply because it was so illegible. Then we show up at a crime scene with a huge boner, and it’s just this whole awkward mess. Are we supposed to feel safe when receiving a text warning of an assault at Zaxby’s while we sit in the drive-thru line at nine in the evening? Taco Bell doesn’t have its own rent-a-cop like McDonald’s, so obviously it isn’t safe when some dude with braids rolls up armed in a white Caddy. If anything, the text warnings should come earlier, and say “Don’t even think about getting both Taco Bell and Zaxby’s for lunch. You’re fat already, this diet is a threat to your health.” What exactly qualifies as necessary information to protect one’s safety anymore? What about all the incidents that go unreported? An accidental boob graze on Highland gets broadcast to the world, but someone’s face getting knifed up doesn’t cut it (only because the victim took a Xany)? Whoever decides what elicits a text warning and what doesn’t works under some pretty strange regulations. “A girl’s boob got grabbed? PEDOPHILE ON THE LOOSE!... A man got knifed in the face? But he was high? Well, it was probably an isolated incident, then.” Go home, UT Alerts, you’re drunk. We need a real hero around here instead of a couple of UTPD patrol cars who earn badges for catching you accidentally going ten feet down the wrong direction of a one way street, and staking out underage drinkers. What we need is a vigilante to patrol the streets at night and keep order around here. Someone who knows the streets better than anyone, someone who would be able to differentiate a casual flirty grope from a non-consensual assault… someone who, when seen, scares some sense into those morons who are incredibly brazen about selling drugs.

We know you’re out there. We’ve seen you tripping a few homeless people who are harassing hipsters for a clove and a PBR. We’ve seen you punch the drunk bro out cold because he was about to unlock his car door and speed off to Cook-Out. We’ve seen you stop an oncoming car with your bare hands as it almost plowed a group of Zetas. We’ve seen you run after the T for the blackout chick who left her bag on top of the passed out guy she was making out with. We’ve seen you dial 911 after hanging four dudes from their shoe strings after they tried to rob the Haslam Building. We see you. Your time has come. Embrace yourself and who you were born to be – our very own shining knight, The Bat Summit. Knoxtham will be waiting. Everything on campus and in the area should be reported and the public should be made aware (and NOT four hours later). For everyone’s sake get your shit together, UT Alerts, and find a way to actually be useful. Or else find the hero that Knoxtham needs, because you’re not the hero that Knoxtham wants.


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Top 10

Brother vs. Brother Rivalries

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10.) Eli and Peyton Manning: These two quarterbacks face off in the ever-important Holy Grail of American sports – football. In that sacred arena, when the Giants played against the Colts, it was truly a brother versus brother fight for glory. No matter how many times these two go at it, Peyton will always be #1, not only because he’s older and funnier, but because he’s a Vol for Life, and therefore a champion. 9.) Kevin and Danny O’Shea: Danny is the loveable loser, Kevin is the tough older brother that the whole town adores. This bitter rivalry looked like it was about to tear the entire family apart, until a ragtag bunch of kids proved they could all get along. That and some awkward pre-teen sexual tension that got a little too explicit for our taste… 8.) Cain and Abel: These Biblical brothers really battled it out in “Bible times,” and set the bar for sibling rivalry. Though they might have gone a little overboard, as Cain killed Abel over unknown reasons (besides perhaps jealousy over who got to bang the prettier sister). Cain will go down as the first of many asshole brothers in human history. 7.) Harry and William of Windsor: Unlike in the good ol’ days when brothers employed killings and uprisings in order to secure the throne, these royal Brits have stayed pretty peaceful. But when your brother is the heir to pretty much the last well-known monarchy in the world, you have to be a little jealous. Perhaps that’s why Harry keeps running off to do tours of Afghanistan, so he can picture himself shooting Willy without pulling a Cain. It’s okay, Harry, you can still pound Pippa’s pu-(ed. note: easy…) nch card! 6.) Mario and Luigi: These famous video game brothers are not only the traditional brotherly rivals we grew up with, but also sparked the battle of sibling vs. sibling Nintendo bloodbaths. Only one of you can win and get the princess! Winning Mario Kart is the only way to prove you are indeed the superior sibling.

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5.) Michael and Fredo Corleone in The Godfather: Most people can trust their brothers, but when you’re the younger bro moving up in the Mafia, you can’t trust nobody. “Take him to the mattress!” 4.) Romulus and Remus: These fraternal rivals are pretty badass: “Hey Remus, who are we gonna name this city after? Should we just go halfsies and call it RemRom?” “Nah dude, it’s gonna be called ROME!” BAM kills his brother. “Sorry ‘boutcha Remus, no cities named after you.” 3.) Serena and Venus Williams: These brother…ehm, sister, albeit man-ish athletes have taken the tennis world by storm for years. But they also have to compete against each other in matches, which is always a media shit storm. Serena’s like, “how many Grand Slam titles have you won, big sister? Oh, only seven? Yeah, I have 15. Go back to being kind of prettier.” 2.) John and Jim Harbaugh: There’s a new twist to this year’s Super Bowl: it not only involves a rivalry between teams but a rivalry between two brothers! Jim coaches the 49ers, John coaches the Ravens, and now they’re set to face each other on the battlefield of the biggest football game of the year. We don’t care who their parents root for, as long as CBS keeps the cameras on the game and not on their stupid faces, or worse, their stupid half 49ers half Ravens jerseys. 1.) Mufasa and Scar: Obviously, this is the greatest brother rivalry of all time, and has haunted us since childhood. Who can NOT cry when Scar, sadistically growling “long live the king,” lets go of the noble Mufasa’s paw, sending him to his death? Nothing is more important than Disney, y’all. That shit’s for real.

Emily Hagenburger wrote this



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The Tale of

a Boy and his Tortoise lindsey fleck wrote this

Once upon a time there was a young little kid and his turtle. A turtle, and a dream. At 10 years old he made a cute prediction that he would grow to be 6 feet 4 inches and be a professional football player, and that his turtle would be with him the whole way there. And what do you know, that stupid kid ended up being right, which makes us wonder if our own childish dreams of being communication majors at UT were set too low. That kid ended up getting picked 36th in the NFL draft, and aside from wearing a jersey, people barely knew who he was. Except his loyal turtle, of course. Colin went on to accomplish his childhood dream of becoming a 49er and Sammy was there by his side just like a good pet. Sure, a dog would be able to catch a football and bring it back, a cat would do whatever makes cats appealing, and a bird might even talk back to poor lonely Colin, but Sammy was there for… strength training. As Sammy grew he became the perfect weight for Colin to use for dead lifts, the bench press, and a futon that Colin could prop his legs on so as to inject steroids into his ass cheeks. All that muscle building paid off, because he can now throw that football like a Manning (the good one) and run like a Vick (whichever one isn’t in jail at the moment). Colin and Sammy were the classic zero to second round pick comeback story, but Colin still found himself sitting the bench behind fancy boy and first overall pick Alex Smith. He sat the bench all game, hiding from the rain under his giant schnoz, and came home to lay his heavy head on Sammy’s giant shell, wondering if he should have just wasted his life

playing for some shitty minor league Chicago Cubs affiliate. In fact, at the lowest point in Colin’s self esteem, he covered himself in tattoos of mermaids and horses, because he “sucked at everything,” and “wanted to control his body.” But just as Colin began to lose all hope, Alex Smith failed his concussion test. Now, whether that was a result of unknown ancient turtle powers, or the fact that Colin slipped acid into Alex’s Gatorade, leading him to answer the question “Where are you?” with “That spot of black is not a stain or shadow, but a cavern hole, where someone used to climb and crawl.” After Colin’s amazing performance making the Bears eat shit, he pretty much forced Harbaugh to screw over Smith and let Colin lead the team to victory like the pharaoh he resembles. And while a good pet would simply put on a dog version of his owners’ jersey, Sammy proudly painted his shell, and donned a helmet, as if he too were going to get some playing time – because nowhere in the rulebook does it say that turtles CAN’T play football! Colin has ridden this tortoise train all the way to the Super Bowl, and despite all the fame and fortune, he has stayed loyal to his best friend Sammy. That tortoise helped give him the luck he needed for all the stars to align, and Colin knows that. And when the dust from the super bowl has settled, and Colin inevitably fades into mediocrity, you can bet he and Sammy will grow old together, maybe even to the point where we all wonder whether Colin is actually human, or a skinny turtle man who slunk out of his shell to play football.


From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask?

What are you most excited about for the Super Bowl? “Now that the Patriots aren’t playing, the commercials.” - Chandler

“The commercials, Beyoncé, and the food.” - Kristina

“I’m excited about eating really good food, drinking a lot of beer and watching funny commercials. ” - Devan “Drinking with friends and betting on the Super Bowl. And blacking out.” - Justin

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Friday Mojoflo, 8pm, All Ages!

thursday 1/31

Dank Sinatra, 8pm Half-Off Bottles of Wine Until 10pm

tuesday: Trivia! $2 Domestic Drafts

SATURDAY! Dance Night with Ray Funk @ Southbound 21+ | 9pm Ladies free, Gents $ 5

FRIDAY: Spankalicious | Bitch Please IRell | Moniker @ NV Nightclub 18+ 9PM | $5 Adv., $8Door

$2 Domestic Bottles

Jessta James @ Southbound 18+ | 8PM | $5, Ladies Free Bassface 19: Mantis | Syl-O | Breeblebox | Gizmo @ Southbound 18+, 8pm | $7 Adv., $10 Door

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Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!

Spankalicious | Bitch Please IRell | Moniker @ NV Nightclub 18+ 9PM | $5 Adv., $8Door Dance Night with DJ Eric B @ NV Nightclub 18+ | 9pm Ladies free, Gents $5

FRIday 2/1

Mojoflo, 8pm, All Ages!

saturday 2/2

Webb Wilder andThe Beatnecks w/ Plow’d, Doors at 8pm, All Ages! Games on the Big Screens All Day!

Catch all the Games Here!

Dance Night with Ray Funk @ Southbound 21+ | 9pm Ladies free, Gents $5

sunday 2/3

Closed - Happy Super Sunday!

$2 Domestic Bottles and Drafts, $5.50 Pitchers and Happy Hour Wells All Day. $0.50 Wings, $3.99 Cheeseburgers and Fries

Check out for Upcoming Events!

Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!

monday 2/4

Jeff Coffin & the Mu’tet 8pm, All Ages! Half Price Pint Night

$5.50 Domestic Pitchers $0.50 Wings, Pitchers and Happy Hour Wells All Day

Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!

Check out for upcoming events!

tuesday 2/5

Kalob Griffin Band and Toy Soldiers, 8pm, All Ages Half Price Pint Night

Trivia! $2 Domestic Drafts

Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!

Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!

WED. 2/6

Live Team Trivia - 8pm Humming House after!

$1.50 PBR Tall Boys

Scott H. Biram | Cuttthroat Shamrock (Acoustic) @ Southbound 18+ | 8PM | $8Adv/$10 Door

Check out for upcoming events!


The Grid Beer Bust Saturday! Free Drafts $5 Liquor Pitchers 35 cent Wings & Shrimp

Thursday: Large 3 Topping Pizza $11.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle

WEDNESDAY! Half Price Bottles of Wine All Day Until 10PM

Saturday! Teenage Love CD Release Show with Horns of the Headless and Senry, 9pm, $5


College Night Thursday! $5 Pitcher of Beer and Free Buffet till 11 Karaoke Starts at 11 All new $5 Margarita Liquor Pitcher $3 Wells, $2 PBR tallboy Beer Pong Tourney!

Large 3 Topping Pizza $11.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle

Half Off Drafts after 9pm

Ebony Eyes to the Henry Gibson/ CrumbSnatchers Show $2.50 Yuengling Drafts

thursday 1/31

FREE BEER! $5 Liquor Pitcher ($3 Add Another Shot) $3 Wells, $3 Apple Pie Moonshine, $3 24oz Natty & Keystone $2 PBR & Highlife Tallboys

Large Supreme or Veggie Supreme Pizza $14.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle

Try any of our 30 craft beers on tap!

Mike McGill & the Refills with Dixieghost, 9pm, $5 Drink Specials!

FRIday 2/1

Beer Bust Saturday! Free Drafts $5 Liquor Pitchers 35 cent Wings & Shrimp

Large Meatzaria or Veggie Pizza $12.99 + Tax

Come in and watch the game on our big screens!

Teenage Love CD Release Show with Horns of the Headless and Senry, 9pm, $5 Drink Specials!

saturday 2/2

Book Your Private Parties Here! 865-525-0004

Large 2 Topping Pizza $10.99 + Tax

Triva Starts at 8pm Brunch 10:30am - 3pm

Half Price Food All Day!

sunday 2/3

Book Your Private Parties Here! 865-525-0004

Large 1 Topping Pizza + Breadsticks $10.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle

Last Monday of Every Month: 5 Course Beer Dinner

Open Mic Comedy, 9pm, FREE! Free queso or salsa with a tab.

monday 2/4

Book Your Private Parties Here! 865-525-0004

Large Windy City Pizza $11.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle

$2 Drafts

Einstein Simplified Improv Troop 8pm, FREE Stevie Jones, 10pm, FREE $5 Burger Night

tuesday 2/5

Book Your Private Parties Here! 865-525-0004

Any Medium Pizza $10.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle

Half Price Bottles of Wine All Day Until 10PM

Cookie and the Polecats with Jodie Manross, 8pm, FREE

WED. 2/6

! e m a g g in k in r d l w er bo upAnnouncers... e SThe ThWhen When The Announcers...

during the halftime show....

Drink one when they say each other’s name. Drink one if Ray Lewis’ leadership is discussed. Drink two for every forced Harbaugh pun. Drink three when they use the telestrator. Drink four for each shot of the Harbaugh family.

Drink one for every Pepsi mention. Drink two when Beyonce changes songs. Drink two if the camera cuts to a celebrity. Drink five if Jay-Z or Kanye come on stage. Drink ten if Destiny’s Child comes on stage.

When the team you're rooting for... Drink one when a pass is completed. Drink one for each point your team scores. Drink two for a ten-yard run. Drink two for any penalty on the other team Drink two for any first down your team gets.

Drink three for any sack your team causes. Drink three for every challenge. Drink four for any turnover your team forces. Drink four for any play over forty yards. Chug your drink for the duration of an injury.

during the commercials...

in your place...

Drink one for every hot babe. Drink three for every beer commercial. Drink four for each company you don’t know. Drink six every time super cute animals are involved. Drink six for dudes doin’ dumb dude-stuff.

Drink two for everyone who wears a jersey. Drink two if someone uses gambling lingo. Drink three every time someone spills. Drink five if you miss a score. Drink ten when something is broken in anger.

we interview:

tyrone wells

Even if you don’t know Tyrone Wells, you’ve heard Tyrone Wells. His personal brand of acoustic tuneage has appeared on everything from American Idol to Scrubs to the freaking Vampire Diaries. His latest album, This Love, dropped recently, and he begins a national tour in February. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: You recently released your fifth studio album, This Love; did you approach the creative process differently on this album? Tyrone Wells: I approached it knowing I wanted to keep the production a little bit more acoustic. Every time I try to make a record I try to keep it sparse, but songs keep growing. TBS: When you talk about an album growing, is that like, adding musical ingredients? A little of this, a little of that? Tyrone: Yeah, it is like that. I don’t always know what should be added, but there are songs like “Bring Her to Me” and “Aria” that are finger picking songs that I knew would be nice with hardly anything else added. But, when you get in the studio, you start thinking “This could use a little drum beat,” and then it can spiral out of control if you’re not careful. TBS: Do you usually know what you need to add, or is there trial and error? Tyrone: I’ll dig around for a while, unsure what the best thing to add is. That’s why it helps to have a good producer, to trust their instincts. That’s why a lot of artists can’t finish anything; they just dig a hole they can’t get out of. TBS: These sparse songs, do you write with the intention of them being that way? Tyrone: Some songs I know it’ll be best with little added. On the other hand, sometimes I think I know, and then I end up with something totally different. TBS: And does that feeling come from lyrical subject matter, or something else? Tyrone: If the songs feels intimate or if it feels bombastic, that has a lot to do with it. Just knowing it will shine more if there is less added. TBS: You’re about to head out on a national tour. When you go on tour do you try to recreate a song as you recorded it, or just have fun with it? Tyrone: It depends. Sometimes I tour with a full band, other times it’s just with one other guy. When I have just one other guy, it’s hard to reproduce a song as it’s performed on a record. Sometimes we’ll fiddle with songs intentionally, adding a different groove or something. For the most part, I try to keep it similar to the record. TBS: Has there been any song that’s changed its meaning to you over time, then, in turn, you’ve changed the approach to how you play it live? Tyrone: No, I don’t think so. I labor beforehand over how the song would be best performed. I’ve been to shows and gotten annoyed when artists change songs, especially if they change the songs drastically. I don’t know if you’ve ever been to a Counting Crows concert, but they perform every song differently than they recorded it, and I’m like, “I’m seeing you because I like the way this song sounds.” TBS: How much input do you have in your touring? Tyrone: I’m very involved in where we go, where we play, for sure. It’s my life and I want to enjoy the experience. If I love a room or it has the wrong vibe, I’ll hit up my booking agent. TBS: In this new musical landscape, how do you define your success? Tyrone: I think for me, I care if a new record charts or not. That’s happened on the singer/ songwriter chart for me, with my last releases coming up number one or number two. TV and film placement are important, and touring. When you come through a town and you notice if the audience is bigger or smaller than it was last time. TBS: Can you really note the different sizes of audiences in cities? Tyrone: I can tell just by the enthusiasm of the crowd. And I mean, we switch venues, and that can change the perception of how well we’re doing in a city. TBS: Build me a perfect sandwich. Tyrone: You know, my perfect sandwich… that’s a great, great question. French baguette, barbecued pork, radish, jalapeño, carrots, and basil. The way they prepare the meat, it rocks the world.

the big three

entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.

Warm Bodies In Theaters February 1st

After a zombie apocalypse leaves a bunch of people craving human brains, R (Nicholas Hoult) and his zombie friends encounter a group of people. R kills a man then proceeds to fall in love with his girlfriend, Julie (Teresa Palmer). They begin to develop a relationship, and R slowly becomes less zombie-like, proving that if a zombie can find love, then so can your braindead ass.

Super Bowl XLVII February 3rd at 6pm on CBS

For those who don’t read roman, this year’s Super Bowl is the 47th and the first one to feature opposing head coach brothers; the Baltimore Ravens’ John Harbaugh and the San Francisco 49ers’ Jim Harbaugh. But most importantly, Beyonce and her children of destiny are performing at half time. Ma, heat up the spin dip!

Puppy Bowl IX February 3rd at 3pm on Animal Planet

The lovely (assuming) ladies of Animal Planet present two hours of puppies rolling around on each other and being adorable in the 9th year of the Puppy Bowl. There’s no Beyonce at half time, and it doesn’t cost $4 million dollars for a 30-second commercial, but it’s friggin’ puppies playing with each other for 120 minutes. That’s a whole lot of cute.

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bartender of the week sean sunspot Relationship Status: Single Favorite Drunk Munch Food: Pizza Rolls Favorite Show: Sons of Anarchy Favorite Movie: The Notebook Favorite Book: Sports Illustrated Favorite Videogame: Call of Duty Favorite Beer: CalfKiller Brewery Best Drinking Game: Buttchugging Favorite Sports Team: The Knicks Dreamjob: Victoria’s Secret model Best part of bartending: Less work Pet Peeve: Male servers Signature Drink: A whisky Best Night for drink specials: Tuesdays $2 beers

the drinking game:

recipe for disaster:

Super Bowl Shots

summer slammer smoothies

Everyone wishes they could be an NFL player, but unfortunately that position is reserved for buff boys whose brawn is bigger than their brains. Until you’re reincarnated as one of these gifted few, here’s a football-inspired drinking game aimed to make anyone feel like the star QB for a few minutes.

In this chilly weather all we want is to be soaking up rays somewhere. So put on your swimsuit, crank up the heat, and make your own poolside beverages to get the summer feel in your apartment.

What You’ll Need: Table, cups, beer, ping pong balls, and Super Bowl XLVII on the big screen. Number of Players: 2 teams of 2 is ideal, but there’s always room for more. Level of Intoxication: Feelin’ real good by the second half.

What You’ll Need: A blender, ice, milk or Greek yogurt, fruit, and your choice of alcohol. Cook Time: Just a few minutes, you lazy bum! Fatty Factor: Depends on the type of milk you use. Otherwise, get drunk!

How to Play: - Get all your bros together and turn on the Super Bowl. - Split up into two teams and have each team pick between either the 49ers or the Ravens. - Watch the game and drink casually until one of the following occurs: interception, fumble, safety, touchdown, punt, or field goal. - Once one of these situations happens, get up and head over to the table. Set up 2 cups for each player on the opposing team. Place the cups anywhere you want: on the table, on the floor, on the couch behind you. Just don’t be an asshole; make them somewhat reachable. - The team that benefitted from the game situation (like the team that recovered the fumble) shoots first. - One by one, each player, alternating teams, has a chance to shoot and make one of the cups on the opposite side (no bouncing!). Once a player has made 2 cups, they’re done and sit for the rest of that round. - If someone’s throw causes a ball to fly away, land under a piece of furniture, or spill a cup, that team is charged with a delay of game and must remove a cup for the other team. - Both teams together have a total of 2 minutes to sink as many cups as they can. The Game Ends When: The game is over, duh! The team with the most sunk cups at the end of the fourth quarter wins. Make ‘em pay for all the cases. This game tests any athletic skills that you may or may not have. Most likely not, but who cares? You’re getting drunk, bro.

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Let’s Get Baked: - Grab your blender and pour in about a cup of milk. - If you have Greek yogurt and want to make it a bit healthier, add in about _ cup of that shit. - Pour in a shot or two of your alcohol of choice. - Next you add your fruit: strawberries, blueberries, bananas, apples. Whatever you have a taste for. - Top your smoothie off with a few handfuls of ice, but if you want your shake/smoothie on the creamy side, you don’t need it. - If you’re a total juicehead, add in some protein powder, bro! - Blend it up until it’s all nice and smooth. - Pour it in a glass, toss in a cute little drink umbrella, and chug, chug, chug! Feel free to get creative yet appetizing. Bananas and rum could be a good combination or the traditional berries and vodka. Maybe replace your milk and yogurt with Rumchata? The world is your oyster, so slurp it down.

Hungry for More?

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page 13

Mansion. Apartment. Shack. House. Best Man: - Chris Brown - Christopher Columbus - Chris Christie - Chris Carrabba

Celebrity to Officiate Wedding: - Rev Run - Lady Gaga - Kevin Smith - Fran Drescher

Regrettable Matching Tattoo: - Lower back unicorn - Spiral staircase around thigh - Cheeseburger on back of neck - Mariah Carey’s face on wrist

MAID OF HONOR: - Kirstie Alley - Kristen Wiig - Kristen Stewart - Kristin Cavallari

First Dance Song: - “A Milli” by Lil Wayne - “Sex, Love & Money” by Mos Def - “Bitches” by Odd Future - “Paranoid Android” by Radiohead

Got Engaged At: - Taco Bell drive-thru - Applebee’s entryway - Arby’s bathroom - Dave and Buster’s air hockey table

Honeymoon Hot Spot: - Boca Raton timeshare - Basement of Grandma’s house - Gatlinburg, Tennessee - Grand Canyon motel

career path: - Porn-star turn yoga instructor - Bartender turn florist - Organic cauliflower farmer turn prisoner of war - Writer turn welfare collector

How to play

Greatest Life Accomplishment: - Meeting Honey Boo Boo - Bench-pressing 150lbs - Growing the world’s largest pumpkin - Never getting arrested

Doodle some dots on the page until a friend (or your brain) tells you to stop. Starting with M.A.S.H., go around the board crossing off whatever option corresponds with your number. Go around the board until only one of each category is left. That, my friend, is your future. Enjoy it.

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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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Tennessee - Issue 4 - 1/31/2013  
Tennessee - Issue 4 - 1/31/2013  

Tennessee - Issue 4 - 1/31/2013