The Black Sheep
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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 1, Issue 1 9/5/12 - 9/12/12
Social Groups on Campus as UTK Landmarks emily hagenburger wrote this
There are several markers that are easily recognizable to any student on the University of Tennessee’s campus. These noteworthy structures include such landmarks as Ayers Hall, The Hill, The Rock, Hodges Library, Neyland Stadium, The Torchbearer Statue, and also that weird statue on Pedestrian Walkway that nobody really knows the name of. Similarly, there’s easily-identifiable social groups at this school. From GDIs to stoners to the Greek community, the mere mention of these student subcultures elicits a generic mental picture—a paintby-numbers idea of who is what here at UTK. Interestingly enough, there’s some overlap between the two, as well. For example, take The Hill – a beacon of honor, prestige, academia, and scholarly development. The Hill represents Tennessee’s science majors. They hold court on the highest point on campus and look down on the lowly subjects (hello, communications students) littering the land. We’ve all had a BCMB, Engineering, or Biology friend tell us “you have no idea how hard my major is.” Despite the apparent hardships that come with going down this particular academic route, science majors love to flaunt their knowledge. Word to the wise: don’t watch science fiction movies with your science friends. Hey Bill, no one cares that the lasers in Star Wars wouldn’t make that cool “pew!” noise because the vacuum of space doesn’t allow sound to travel, okay? The Rock, meanwhile, represents the social side of the university. Namely, sorority girls. Splashed with messages about gatherings, local news, or just “Jenny loves Chad,” The Rock knows the gossip. And, like sorots, it is emblazoned with bright colors and well-known symbols. Just, instead of a Ralph Lauren Horse, it’s a Power T. The Rock, like sorority girls, wants people to look at it. While traveling in groups wearing long t-shirts that display messages of “ZTA loves Sigma Chi” they’re basically a walking, talking Rock. Hodges Library is both the manifestation and the lodging of the pill poppers. These students rely on Adderall to get them through anything from a two-paragraph response to a full-out midterm. Just like the iconic building-block structure of Hodges, with Adderall users, there are different levels of intensity. Both the library and these drugs are really good at simultaneously keeping you on task and distracted. You may get a solid 20 minutes of quality work done, but once your “study buddy” starts talking sleeping with their TA, all hope of productivity is lost. Like the weird statue on Pedestrian, some groups on campus are equally hard to define. Whether you call them “hipster,” “indie,”
What Your First College Facebook Album Title Says About You The pictures say 1,000 words, but the title is only four. Choose wisely, little Vol.
or just “artsy,” these students relate to the statue in that no matter how weird it may be, you can’t help but look at it. These students justify their look as “modern” or “indicative of an anti-consumerist and mainstream era,” and the statue, with its silver twirls and yellow flower, may be likewise defended. Also, some claim that the yellow object at the top of the sculpture looks like a marijuana leaf. Coincidence? We think not. Last but not least, the great UTK symbol of Neyland Stadium is football. Most of all, it’s the super fans. You know the ones; just like the stadium itself they play “Rocky Top” way too much and put
orange EVERYWHERE. Both the stadium and the fans that worship it are loud, proud, and full of beer. This encompasses both the football lovers and those that get drunk, show up at halftime, and leave early to get a party going…Go Vols! UTK landmarks represent the school as what it is now and what it will always be diverse groups of students with the same goal in mind: get drunk on the weekends while trying to get a diploma to land a job. (No Jimmy Cheek, no matter how hard you try we’re not going to stop being one of the top party schools in the nation). And you can’t fault us for that.
Top Ten SEC Schools to Hate
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No, South Carolina isn’t all ten.
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contents page 6: The Black Sheep Guide to the Apocalypse: Robot Uprising Edition
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? firstname.lastname@example.org
Robot Uprising Edition: Quick! Start Googling butt porn!
page 6: from the streets
we ask some folks on the streets about Da’rick Rogers
page 7: Sex & The UT: Shot Sex
What you start the night off drinking determines not the person you are, but the person you will become.
page 10: 6 fall films that probably won’t suck
heavy emphasis on the “probably.”
page 11: the black sheep interviews
baltimore native and general crazy man dan deacon.
page 13: the grat alcohol conspiracy
What you don’t know could be costing you a great time.
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Blognosis: Any self-categorized illness one gives him or herself after researching symptoms of diseases on the internet. “Toby gave himself a spinal meningitis blognosis after researching neck pain on WebMD.”
What Your First College Facebook Album Title Says About You Kevin Hanes wrote this A picture may be worth 1,000 words, but a title is made up of, like, four words, and they’re worth something too. Not only is the album title as personal and unique as giving or receiving your first OTPHJ, but it’s quite an important feat in your 18 years of life. Breaking into college Facebook album territory is like fresh tail; it’s all moist and exciting, and then you get to brag about how good it was later on. All the high school kids back home are going to be so jealous seeing you stuff your face with pizza at 2:30 in the morning in your brand new “college bitches!!!!!” album. The first album title is crucial. Just hope that your title doesn’t translate to a lonely, sexless college life. Knoxvilllllllllllleeeeee We get it, you’re excited for college. We see that with your extra twenty L’s. You’re a bit dramatic, and you’re also one of those girls that gets wasted after two Keystones. You’ll enjoy getting real sloshed on Wednesdays, and you’re always seeking a good jam to sing along with at the bar. Unfortunately, you are very clingy, which prevents you from getting anything but random hookups. Bummer. “Young, Wild, and Free” Cool! You are like, so original with that lyric you got from your favorite song. “It’s just perfect,” you tell yourself as you confidently click “Create New Album.” But seriously, who are you trying to impress? You’re not proving to anyone you have amazing taste in music, that’s for sure. You love
following people. You will dabble in some drugs, and you’re almost always down to drink and get nasty. You’re a typical college student, and you will always be this way. Days of Our Later Adolescent Lives Really? Who do you think you are with your “deep” abstract bullshit? Just because you smoke pot and peruse Pitchfork doesn’t mean you’re different –It mostly means you’re cripplingly lonely. In college you will struggle with everything that doesn’t have to do with school. You will fill this album with lots of sober dorm nights and music sessions. UTK Freshman Year!!!!! Pretty classic but also pretty boring. It’s sad to say, but you’re the fat, ugly chick that wants to take as many pictures as humanly possible simply to show that you’re blossoming into the social butterfly you so desperately want to be. You got lucky and became friends with attractive people, and because of this you tag along to their cooler functions without problems. Fortunately, you’ll get a lot of sloppy blacked-out hookups purely for having lady bits. Unfortunately, you will compensate for your insecurities by heavily drinking and will find yourself blacked out and friendless in the bathroom of a bar, face in toilet, an hour past close. After you’ve filled your album with 200 unnecessary pictures of you and your gal pals posing before each night out, there comes a time to make a decision: Will there be a part one?
A part two? Should you go back and delete a few where you didn’t look that good? Well you can’t delete that one because Kelsey looks really hot in it. Ugh, why can’t we all just go back to Polaroids?
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From the Streets
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What was your initial reaction to the news that Da’rick Rogers was dismissed from the team? “There are certain responsibilities that come along with being a part of a D1 football team. When you cannot fulfill those responsibilities then it’s time to move on. Da’rick’s legacy will forever be synonymous with what could have been.” - Chris Baird, Junior, Psychology/Sociology
“Football players need to quit effing up.” - Kirby Sprewell, Junior, Journalism and Electronic Media
“It was upsetting but not surprising, from the way they played on Friday I don’t think they’re missing much. Go Vols!” - Jennifer King, Junior, Public Relations
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The Black Sheep Guide to the Apocalypse: Robot Uprising Edition
phil mccracken wrote this Ever since the Mayans completed their calendar, the world has more or less accepted that humanity will not see 2013. Even the initially skeptical among us are now almost totally convinced as doomsday predictions come true left and right. Devastating natural disasters. Pestilence. War. A TV show starring the Stained One and her mentally handicapped friend. Even the most optimistic will wonder if we don’t deserve oblivion for allowing Snooki and JWoww to exist. Yes, the Apocalypse is upon us. All that is left to find out is how. There are millions of Apocalypse theories, ranging from global epidemics to zombie outbreaks to mutated killer Shark Bees. All of those are stupid and wrong. The world is going to end in a Robot Uprising a la Terminator. The bad news is robots famously have zero empathy for human life and will find the most efficient way to destroy humanity. The good news is that we can get through this. Together. PREPARATION: Now that you know how technology is plotting your demise, you can take steps to soften the blow. The entire world communicates through Internetting, making us vulnerable to our computers and anything else with a WiFi signal. It’s tempting to swear off the web if it’s just going to use everything it knows about you to kill you, but it’s too late for that now. They already know too much. But! If they’re collecting data on humans by quantity rather than quality, we may yet have a chance. Instead of Googling “How to make a homemade bomb,” look up “butt porn.” Instead of researching the CIA website’s security systems for your computer class, look at panda videos for hours. If we overload the internet with pictures of cake and anti-Semitic Youtube comments, the
computers won’t know what to do. When they design the Terminator units to destroy us, we’ll be left with giant breasted Arnold Schwarzeneggers drinking gallons of milk and calling us “n00bs,” which is much more manageable. THE BATTLE: Assuming our Pinterest Terminators aren’t an issue anymore, we still have a long battle ahead of us. Cars connected with OnStar technology will reenact the worst Stephen King novel. Satellites will take a vacation from benevolence and beam us only death. Your Kindle will download 50 Shades of Gray. Dealing with suicide bomber toasters and sweet military drones blowing your neighborhood into the next dimension will be discouraging. Even after we take batteries out of our phones and unplug the refrigerator, we still won’t feel that safe. But it’s important to fight on and not give into your cowardly urge to get to some place that doesn’t have technology like Iowa, wherever the hell that is, and abstain from technology completely. Because robots now have the most important weapon we have, and Iowa is an acceptable atomic casualty. The safest place to be during the Uprising is right inside those military bases, hitting bloodthirsty Roombas with broom handles. Robots are very logical, and will not destroy themselves with our nukes. Once we’re safely in the base, we’ll enlist the hackers to play Tic Tac Toe with the military computers. THE AFTERMATH: The Robot Uprising will be a devastating blow to humanity, but only to the extent that losing everyone too stupid to not live in Iowa can be considered devastating. Communication will be limited to talking and carrier pigeon. We’ll be back to farming crap by hand and we’ll have to get used to the taste of radiation poisoning, but we’ll survive. The hardest part
will probably be the crash of society. When the world is plunged into chaos, nothing will stop your neighbor from crowning himself King Emperor Overlord Dennis and demanding your shoes as a tax for living on his land. But periodic drone attacks should encourage villages to stick together and sacrifice Dennis to the Robot Gods. Oh, yeah. There are Robot Gods now, based on humanity’s innate superstition and the hope that appeasing bodacious murder bots with death will spare our own lives. The Robot End Times are coming, my friend. We have abused our technology for centuries and we’ve had this coming since we invented and encouraged the use of autotune. This reckoning is well deserved, but there’s hope yet for humanity if we act quickly. If we can stop Stained One, the SmooshSmoosh, the one the Old Ones named Snooki before she decides to make a music album, we can keep the Mayan prophesies from being fulfilled. Superibimus, bellum autpax!
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Sex & the UT: Shot Sex: How Your Drink of Choice Determines Your Night Zoe Kremke wrote this
The Top ten
SEC Schools to Hate It’s more fun to hate on something than to like it. We all know it’s true—everyone loves hating things. This is especially true in college football, and more specifically, SEC football, where everyone is everyone’s rival and everyone calls everyone a redneck, because everyone is a redneck. However, thinking of reasons to hate other teams can be time-consuming. With that in mind, here is a guide on the top ten easiest SEC schools to hate. 10. Ole Miss: Drop the “Ole,” please. I know it makes you feel grand and southern, but that doesn’t change the fact you were everyone’s safety school. 9. Texas A&M: There is nothing wrong with male cheerleaders. There is something wrong with EXCLUSIVELY male cheerleaders. You can’t hide it by calling them “yell leaders,” either. We all know there should be scantilyclad co-eds in that fountain, not five dudes in white jumpers. 8. Mississippi State: Cowbells, huh? Well, that’s number two on the list of reasons not to go to Starkville, right after the crippling meth epidemic. 7. Arkansas: The state of Arkansas is most famously known as the pair of pants on the man who lives beside the Mississippi River. This is a role they fill well and they should be happy they’re given that much.
Alcohol is everyone’s favorite way of gaining a few extra ounces of confidence on a night out. And when used correctly, it can dictate exactly what type of sexual encounter you’re about to have. Let’s be honest, the only reason people really drink anyway is to get laid. So buy some shots for the girl down the bar or toss back a few yourself. Here I give you the most popular drinks and what to expect if you allow each once to be your pathway to ass. Beer: Why do you think frats give out free beer to everyone and their mother during rush? Because it’s cheap and gets the job done. Dirty frat boys are looking for a quick, hit-it-and-quit-it deal; they really don’t care how much you enjoy it as long as they get to bust a nut. If they bring a girl upstairs for the top-shelf alcohol, that’s how you know they’re taking this seriously. If you’re a chick just looking to get wet and have a little fun, then keep hanging out in the sweaty basement all night with hundreds of other desperate girls. Sure, all that beer will make you bloaty and gassy, and you’ll probably just lay on his bed like a dead fish as he rhythmically rams your head into the wall, but at least you can say you got some.
on track to have some regrettable, raunchy sex that night. Go as cheap as you want; Burnett’s, Svedka, it’s all the same once it’s past your tongue. By the end of the night, you’ll have just enough confidence to try out a new position or lick some toes or something. Gettin’ freaky is the name of the game. Rum: Nothing says “classy” like a shot of Malibu. Rum turns everything in to a tropical get-away, complete with bikinis and bronzed bodies, making everyone model material with just a few sips. If you snag your hottie early on in the night, set your sights on Bacardi to keep things going smoothly. The drinks are orgasmic and leave you tasting like coconuts and berry deliciousness. Your fling won’t get too kinky; you’ll both finish out satisfied and exhausted. If you’re looking for a guaranteed good bang without any issues, this is the way to go. Whiskey: There’s always been something sexy about the whole role play thing. Evan Williams is a pro at bringing out the feisty actor in all of us, so if you’re looking for a little French maid action that evening, tell the bartender to send some whiskey your way.
Four Loko: Ah, the high school days. Don’t expect your night to be much different from prom weekend. Four Loko brings out senior year’s youthful innocence and awkward blowjobs. The sugar and caffeine are constant reminders of your “super tasty” mixed drinks of UV Blue and Mountain Dew you loved so dearly back then. Throwing back one or two of these at a party will definitely leave you feeling good, but don’t be surprised if you wake up next to his old high school football jersey and your first white thong from Kohl’s. Four Lokos allow us to embrace the virgin in all of us, complete with blood and tears.
Tequila: With Kim K.’s ass, mountainous boobs, and foreign facial features reminiscent of Cleopatra, you’ve already decided your goal is to bring her home. She already has the set-up to be a total tiger in the sack, and that sexy, raspy voice would be absolutely toe-curling during dirty talk. Time to get her in the mood. Bring out her inner porn star with a few tequila shots. Girls feel sophisticated (yet wild and dangerous) while downing these babies. And they dig it when you spend a lot of money on them.
Vodka: Maybe you’re recently single and just don’t give a fuck anymore. Look no further from the good ol’ Smirnoff staple. Polluting your body with rubbing alcohol beverages will quickly put you right
Sadly, there’s always the need for moderation, as excessive drinking will cause you to pass out or vomit right before the magical moment. Sex is full of bodily secretions, but puke, piss, and shit don’t fit the bill. Well…most of the time.
6. LSU: These people only emerge from their swamp to watch LSU play. I’m thankful I only have to hear about them on game days every fall. Oh wait, I forgot Swamp People was on History Channel EVERY WAKING SECOND OF MY LIFE. History Channel, could you stop playing Swamp People every time I turn on the TV? A documentary on the bubonic plague would be less depressing. 5. Georgia: The number seven team in the nation won’t be that way for long. These Bulldogs start each year as media darlings, only to end up in the doghouse at year’s end. Enjoy a trip to the Chick-fil-A Bowl. 4. Auburn: Everyone else grew out of throwing toilet paper at trees in high school. More than one of you can drive and you can buy beer now. Act like real people, please. 3. South Carolina: God, we can’t wait until South Carolina delves back into the depths of mediocrity. Steve Spurrier’s been a big help the last couple of years, however, when he leaves, people will stop looking at him and finally notice the hobo jungle located outside WilliamsBrice Stadium. 2. Florida: What is there to say about Florida that hasn’t already been said? Nothing in particular. Everyone knows they love jean shorts and Tebow. Thankfully, that’s all they have now since they’re terrible again. 1. Alabama: There was like, one Alabama fan pre-Nick Saban. They’ve infested the world like cockroaches, and they aren’t going anywhere. “Roll Tide Roll” is also, frankly, gibberish. If someone showed up at sporting event and yelled “FART GNARLY FART” it would mean exactly the same thing, which is nothing. 100,000 of these bumpkins get a pass on their version. I guess you’re afforded that opportunity when you’re with 100,000 people as stupid as you are. Traditions are dumb.
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6 Fall Films That Probably Won't Suck
Summer is sadly over. This spells the end of the summer blockbuster. The Avengers, Amazing Spider-Man, The Dark Knight Rises, and other non-superhero films that people probably cared about all came out this summer. There are no more huge hype machines screaming at us from every conceivable media outlet what to go see. That three minute trailer could contain the only entertaining three minutes out of the entire film. Here we have a list of six good looking flicks coming this autumn. We give you the basic gist of their plots, what you can expect if it's a hit and what you can expect if it's a stinker. By: Michael Mattucci
Dredd 3D - September 21
Frankenweenie - october 5
pitch perfect - october 5
Based on the 2000 AD comic-book character, Dredd is a member of a police force of the future called Judges who have the authority to act as judge, jury and executioner. They are the law. After the 1995 Sylvester Stallone catastrophe known as Judge Dredd, this movie should easily hurdle the low-set bar left by Mr. Sly’s goofy turn as a roided-out future Rambo. However, while it will undoubtedly be an improvement from its 90s counterpart, on its own merits it could still fail to impress. It’s a simple story, and for it to work the direction and performances need to be on point, lest it turn out to be a Michael Bay-esque action orgy.
Tim Burton remakes his own 1984 short film, this time going for the stop-motion he’s so famous for (even if he didn’t actually direct The Nightmare Before Christmas). The main character, Victor, loves his dog so much that he finds a way to bring him back to life! Shenanigans ensue as he tries to keep his creation a secret from the rest of the neighborhood. And no, he doesn’t have sex with the dog, why would you even think that?
A musical comedy about a group of misfits who form an all-girl a capella group to compete against the boys? Clearly it’s a Glee/ girl power! cash-in, but could the student surpass its master? Glee has always been a “you love it or you hate it” program, but many Gleeks are losing faith in the show. Pitch Perfect looks to plummet down the forgettable movie musical hole, joining the ranks of Hairspray and From Justin to Kelly. If it doesn’t, we’ll sing its greatness from the mountaintops, because who doesn’t need more ridiculous musicals full of singing teenagers? It’s just like real life, minus the social awkwardness and bacne!
By reworking one of his earliest concepts, Burton has the opportunity to get back into form with a dark but family-friendly comedy that also tugs at your heartstrings. Remember the emotional rollercoaster that was Dark Shadows? No? Well, neither do we. Oh well, at least he’s not bringing his wife, Johnny Depp, and his mistress, Helena Bonham Carter down with him this time.
Paranormal Activity 4 october 19
The Man with the Iron Fists november 2
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 | november 16
The exact plot is being kept under wraps (probably because it’s the exact same plot as the other three films), but Katy and her nephew Hunter, both missing since the events of the first two films, are now living next door to an unsuspecting family. These movies certainly stick to what Edgar Allen Poe called a “singular effect.” But just as Saw through Saw XXVI proved, many consumers love being force-fed the same scare tactics. And while they do try and change the game a little with each installment, overall we can’t imagine this film will change your tune if you disliked the first three. And if you disliked the first three, why do you keep coming back? PHONY!
This is a story of a village in nineteenth-century China banding together to fight off a larger threat. Don’t come to the theater expecting any level of historical accuracy. The Man with the Iron Fists looks to be a crazy over-the-top kung-fu action film with its own unique style brought to you by RZA, one of the most prominent members of the Wu-Tang Clan. However, he only co-wrote the film. His partner in this endeavor? Eli Roth, whose writing experience centers around the teenagers he brutally tortures in his gore-porn films. So let’s hope he didn’t help with the dialogue this time around. Here is a Rothian gem from Cabin Fever, in case you’re not familiar with his genius: Paul – “Why would you wanna kill squirrels?” Bert - “‘cause they’re gay.”
This made it on the list because regardless of the hate it gets, the franchise has a huge fanbase that throws its parent’s/boyfriend’s money at it. A success is a success. It’s Twilight - no further introductions needed. If you’re a Twilight fan there’s pretty much nothing I can say to make you want to go see this any more or less than you already do. As for the people being dragged to this by their significant other, one can only hope that the film comes full-circle from terrible to terribly entertaining. Otherwise, constant remind your partner of the sexual courtesies they owe you for actually seeing this.
Ask someone what they first think of when Baltimore comes to mind, and often the response will be one of two things: Crime or The Wire. Well, there’s also Dan Deacon, people. Part of the vibrant Wham City Collective, Deacon’s brand of music is as weird as it is catchy. His latest album, America, dropped August 27th. Be patriotic and cop that shit. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: I’m not as interested in how you started playing music, but when did it hit you that this is something you wanted to do for a living? Dan Deacon: Actually, I think the “this is it” moment came in three parts. When I was young and I first heard the trombone, I knew at that moment I was really interested in music. The second step toward my life in music occurred when I first started using MIDI files (Editor’s Note: these are used in making music on a computer.), it showed me how much one could actually toy with sounds, and those sounds became music. It wasn’t until my first tour that I was sure that this was what I wanted to do for a living. I wrapped up a tour and realized that I got paid a little bit of money to play music in parts of the world I didn’t think I was going to see. TBS: Your live shows are notoriously awesome. Do you plan ahead for them, or is it all spontaneous? Dan: When I’m playing a live show, a lot of what happens really is playing off the crowd’s energy. I’ll try to introduce one or two new ideas on each tour, but a lot of what happens are spontaneous reactions to the crowd’s energy. Like, if the crowd is going crazy, I’m having a great time up there. If the crowd doesn’t seem like it’s having a good time, I take it in one of two directions, either I’ll try harder to try to win them over, or it’ll be like, “fuck ‘em, I’m doing this anyway.” TBS: So what’s it like playing in front of a crowd that’s not into it? Dan: Oh, I mean, that rarely happens. I’d say nine out of ten times the crowd is really into it. I mean, really, I can’t even remember the last time I played a show and the crowd wasn’t having a good time. Even then, when I say, “fuck ‘em,” it’s more, “I’m going to put on the best show I can, regardless of what they may think about it.” TBS: Over the past few years electronic music has really came on the scene, though it’s music that’s very different from the stuff that you do. Does that excite you? Make you wary? Dan: I’ll just be happy when it’s not considered electronic music anymore. I may not be really into a lot of what people consider electronic music, but I’m really interested in the way artists are able to create sounds that we’ve never seen in music before. Even more than that, many “electronic” musicians add non-electronic elements to their music. What I don’t want to see is us going backward- music that sounds like music that was popular in the eighties and the nineties.
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
in theaters september 7
TBS: When you started to introduce elements like strings into your music again, was that difficult? Was there a learning curve? Dan: Well, when I started working with acoustic instruments again, it was challenging. I was rusty, having not used them in so long. Creating music isn’t like riding a bike—you don’t just pick it back up right away; it’s like speaking a language, if you don’t practice regularly, then you lose those skills. When I picked up some of the compositions that I had written when I was in college I was sitting there wondering how I had put them together back then.
Yes, it's similar to the Kristen Wiig classic Bridesmaids, but who doesn't love a good tale of a bunch of gals gettin' together and having a good time (aka, getting drunk at a wedding)? Plus it stars Rebel Wilson, the hilarious Australian lass who is definitely going to say an inappropriate thing or seven throughout the film.
TBS: What the hell is “Crystal Cat” about? Dan: [Laughs] I’ve never heard anyone ask that before. Well, on “Crystal Cat” I took the instrumental part of the song and I just started making nonsense noises that fit with how the song was progressing. After that, I worked on turning those noises into words, which fit with the music.
British indie group The XX are back with their much anticipated second album Coexist. They broke out way back in 2009 with their critically acclaimed self-titled debut, releasing great single after great single. Coexist is a danceier album then the subtle, sexy tunes that we're used to, but it's definitely still going to be awesome.
TBS: Watermelon or cantaloupe? Dan: I guess it would depend on the situation that I’m in, but nine times out of ten I’m going to choose the watermelon. TBS: If you could have any mythical creature as a pet, what animal would you choose? Dan: A dragon. TBS: What is one thing you want to see or do before you die? Dan: I’m not sure. Nothing.
The xx - coexist
out september 11
the mtv video music awards
thursday, september 6th at 8pm
It ain't The Grammys, but it's a hell of a lot more interesting. Comedian Kevin Hart hosts this year's event, and the potential shenanigans is what gets us most excited. Will Kanye propose to Kim? Will Carly Rae Jepson be recognized as a real artist? Will Skrillex flip that hair around on stage to accept the first EDM award? We're just dying of anticipation over here.
bartender of the week tom b. cool beans bar and grill Name: Tom Burnett
Boxers, briefs or free balling?: Free balling
Bar: Cool Beans Bar and Grill
How many 4-year-olds could you take in a fight?: An unlimited amount.
Relationship Status: In one Major: Art History Favorite drink and how you make it: Whiskey and water. Two parts whiskey one part water.
What’s the best part about working at Cool Beans?: Working with buddies and doing what I love. What is most attractive about you?: My washboard abs.
Favorite shot: Jim Beam Worst Drink to make: Anything without alcohol.
Favorite Quote: “You can not almost a chicken sandwich.”
What celebrity would you most want to punch in the face?: Barbara Walters
Would you rather go gay for Ryan Reynolds or Ryan Gosling?: Both
If you could create a holiday what would it be?: National Whiskey Day
Most embarrassing bartending story?: I fell down with 2 full pitchers in my hands in front of a bunch of sorority girls.
If you could have a superpower, what would it be?: Turning water into whiskey.
the drinking game
Candyland So maybe we’re trying to hold onto our childhood, or maybe we just find pleasure in corrupting childhood games. Either way, this game is bitchin’. What You’ll Need: Candyland board game, alcohol of your choice, beer. Number of Players: 4 Level of Intoxication: You’ll be trying to get Princess Lolly and Queen Frostine to skinny dip in the Ice Cream Sea. How to Play: - Set up your Candyland board game and stack your shuffled cards together in a pile. - Set up four shot glasses and four cups of beer. - Players must choose a color that will remain theirs for the rest of the game. - First player must draw a card and move to the closest corresponding color. - If the color on the card matches the player’s color, they can move ahead to the closest square of that color. This player also chooses one other player to chug a beer, one second for each square the piece moves forward. - If the color on the card is not their color, they must move backward on the board to that color and chug beer for one second for each square the piece moves backward. - The player then sits on that color until they pull their color, taking a shot every turn they don’t. The Game Ends When: Someone reaches Candyland or someone gets Gloppy all over the board.
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The Great Alcohol Conspiracy Scoop Chang wrote this You might think you’re the baron of booze, an alcohol aficionado, or the boss of all sauce. However, as a college kid, there are things that you just don’t know about the devil’s juice. What “THE MAN” doesn’t want you to know about boozahol is that, although it seems like a good way to get a party going— much like the Macarena or a swarm of bees—it’s actually a sophisticated wonder-drink that science has proven makes life easier to live. The sad truth is, the government has been hard at work to keep you off the stuff, to make you easier to control. Here’s some myths and truths about the reality of hooch. Beer tastes terrible. - Actually, you’re right. Beer does taste terrible. What you don’t know is that it’s not supposed to. Beer is actually the tastiest substance known to man, even better than barbequed panda ribs. Teams of magicians and wizards change the formula of beer so that no one likes the taste and thus, children are less inclined to drink it. In the olden days back, when men were men and giraffes were ridden like horses, children would guzzle down beer like a white guy drinking purple koolaid. As a result, the government’s finest magic folk stepped in to make this beverage taste like dick. You know all your friends who love beer? Turns out they really are full of shit. Lots of strange ingredients are added to make the nectar of the gods taste like beaver feces. For example, beaver feces. Top magicians say these additives give the beer a “urine” flavor that curdles the blood and brings a tear to the eye. Frat boys love to get drunk. – False! It’s all a clever ruse to keep college kids from enjoying the wonders of alcohol. In lieu of
anti-drinking propaganda or helping ignorant parents teach their brainless offspring about the dangers of drinking, the gurrment has enlisted groups of men to throw wild, raucous parties to help make drinking a wholly unappealing experience. The result is a group of graduates who look back on their boozing days and think of drinking as an immature thing they used to do. I interviewed Bob “Broski” Kazowski, who is employed full-time as a frat boy, to get a better understanding. He said, “Us bros have known about the dangers of drinking the silly juice for years. We hide under the guise of wanting to party, but it is our duty as bros to get freshmen super drunk. We call them pussies and bitches in the hopes that they’ll drink just a bit more and wake up so sick that they never drink again. We’re really kind-hearted and gentle folks who are just doing a service for our community.” The shits. The worst of all of the drinking myths we’re expected to believe is the symptomatic “day after diarrhea.” But has the science ever been explained to you? No. It’s less complicated than government wizards would have you believe. The government adds laxatives to every alcoholic beverage on the market whether it’s high class 17 year old Jameson or cheap-ass natty light. In their minds this was the big one, the end game, the thing that was going to make people stop drinking after prohibition failed in 1933. But people didn’t seem to care, no one talked about it for the longest time and “the shits” became an American tradition. Blacking out is real. Every person who has ever told you they were blacked out when they made out with your mom, punched
Y A D N U F Y A D SUN
your dog, or projectile vomited in your face was actually lying. Sure, sometimes alcohol can help loosen your inhibitions but you can’t actually pass out and still be awake! Come on, that doesn’t even make sense! Some people are just sociopaths who like to fuck things up every once in a while and use “blacking out” as their get out of jail free card. Well, kids, now you know the ugly truth about the world. Be careful out there and use your knowledge for good! If there’s one thing we hope this article has taught you, it’s this: whenever life screws you over, just get pissed and blame the government. It’s your right as an American!
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4) ESPN’s Saturday morning gig. 8) You can thank them for setting it all up, usually. 9) 50% of the time you don’t make it here. 12) Basically bags. 15) The OG drinking game. 17) The act of making extremely delicious things. 19) Throwing bolas. 20) A bro’s tailgating uniform. 21) A handstand with help.
7) Huge, cheap, and everyone centers around it. 10) A real badass brings this RV. 11) The whole reason you do this, supposedly. 13) One shot every 60 minutes. 14) Brought attention (and cameras) to tailgating. 16) A standard starting time, in the A.M. 18) Keeps that beer so kool.
1) We can think of a sunny tune about this game. 2) Ladies will dawn these with their school’s logo. 3) Fat-free, but not booze free. 4) With beans, or without. 5) Burgers, hot dogs, brats... bacon... 6) Pairs nicely with chips.
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The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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