Volume 5, Issue 6 | 10/05/11 -10/12/11 | theblacksheeponline.com
Fre mae...lik ke e f -ou ind t w ing ith som at eo Ric ne k's to .
“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”
Mating Habits at MSU billy gardner wrote this Maybe we’ve all been born to become the oversexed generation the media makes us out to be, but the basis of this article comes from empirical evidence observed in the creatures’ actual habitat. In the Canadian ticklin’ mitten, Michigan State University males and females display mating habits irregular to any species in the animal kingdom.
MSU students hold a wide range of sexual behavior from monogamy to promiscuity, and heterosexuality to homosexuality. Within this wide array of behavior, it is not uncommon for the species to come across conflicts throughout the mating process. When a former mate of the female spots her inebriated gyrations with the other male, he will beat his chest as a demonstration of his dominance.
The spectacle begins when the female receives a notification on her cellular phone that the male has inboxed her on Facebook, exclaiming that he’d like to take her out for nourishment. It is not uncommon for a male of this species to allure the opposite sex with promises of food. The female responds accordingly, tweeting that she is “shopping for a new outfit for my date tonight! ;).” The female here cleverly claims her territory to the other females in the area while beginning the molting process: removing her sweatpants and hoodie worn throughout the day’s classes.
The female has caused what is known as the “Helen of Troy effect” where both males begin to rally what they call “their boys” for support. Humans are known to be the smartest animals in the kingdom, but these interactions, having never been recorded before, display their primal instincts. 99% of time the outcome of the rally yields no resolution as both groups only make loud gestures and chest bumpings in order to intimidate the other group without any further action.
A recent study put forth by the World Wildlife Organization (WWO) shows that 90% of MSU females spend as much on their entire outfit at Forever 21 as a male does on a single cotton designer graphic v-neck t-shirt. Researchers believe females are able to compensate for their inexpensive garb by taking an average of 5 times as long to fully dress for the night. Once the couple has devoured their prey at the cafeteria, the night continues at the local watering hole, knocking back shots of overly sugared SoCo limes on special for 3 dollars apiece. Studies show this behavior allows the Homo sapiens to muster up their confidence with this sort of “liquid courage” needed in order to rub up and down on each other all night while Salt n Peppa’s “Push It” sets the tone in the background.
04: East lansing celebrities somehow a preacher and a dog ended up on the same list.
The problem with the male’s charade is that the female has now moved on to another mate. This strategy becomes a defense mechanism for the female; she is now able to hunt for another potential mate. In this instance, the female has achieved a great success in her quest to mate—she received sustenance at no cost to her. Once she squeezes as many nutrients (well drinks) out of the unsuspecting male, she again moves on. Both the male and female appearance is exposed at the local watering hole when the lights randomly descend on their sweat and alcohol drenched bodies. Our male and female may never find each other again through the hoards of revolting carcasses passed out on the sticky flypaper floor, but both will continue this process every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday evening in hopes of copulation.
07: scrawls on bathroom walls
you drunks are appalling, yet terribly amusing.
13: we interview john linnell from grammy winning band they might be giants
Page 4: east lansing celebrities Get acquainted with the EL A-List.
Page 10: Bartender of the week We chat with Kyle with the great smile, from Harper's.
page 5: fall trends we wish exsisted Man, Hugh Hefner and Redecks were really up to something.
page 11: frickin' jobs And how we'd like to live without them, but then we wouldn't be alive.
Page 7: Nachofest Every fatty's favorite holiday, after Thanksgiving of course. Page 7: scrawls on bathroom stalls That appall even us... okay, we giggled a little.
page 12: Movie Review Lion King 3D was better than we remembered at a kid, even better on mushrooms. Page 13: We interview: They might be giants John loves salt bagels. Who even knew those existed?
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Local East Lansing Celebrities You Should Know: Volume I bailey wrote this Before I came to Michigan State University, I heard a lot of wonderful and crazy things about the city of East Lansing: “You will lose your virginity within minutes.” “It’s the Hollywood of Michigan.” “You’re going to fucking die. Don’t go.”
From 'da Streets "Would you consider yourself a badass? How so?"
Once I finally got here, I experienced things that I never thought were possible. I smelled things I never want to smell again. I did things I never want to remember. And most relevant to this article, I saw people I never thought I’d see. So, without further ado, The Black Sheep Presents: East Lansing’s Local Celebrities Name: Wells Hall Preacher(s) (I’m going to go ahead and refer to all of them as one person.) Why you should know him: He will damn your ass to Hell, obviously. Where you can find him: Outside Wells Hall, standing on his soapbox, preachin’ the word of… something. We’re not quite sure who or what. What you can expect from him:You can expect the Wells Hall Preacher to tell you what a terrible, terrible human being you are. Everything you do is a sin, and he will make that very clear. If you’re gay, bi, transgender, a woman, a Jew, a little person, (or just about anything else), you can expect him to recite a Bible verse telling you why you’re no better than the Devil. What we think he thinks: I am saving the sinning students of Michigan State University one sermon at a time. God Bless those bastards. Name: TJ Duckett Why you should know him: Former lead running back for the Spartans (‘99-’01), Duckett is now a local philanthropist (full-on rapist?) with a crazy beard (for at least some portion of the year). Where you can find him: TJ can be found cruisin’ the streets of East Lansing in his totally bitchin’ Hummer or reliving his college days at the local bars. What you can expect from him: You can expect Duckett to buy out Harper’s at least twice a year where all the drinks are free and cover costs support some random cause—the effect is gettin’ dem free drinks for da ladiez! What we think he thinks: I peaked in college. Name: Tom Izzo Why you should know him: He’s the man, the myth, and the legend. He’s also been the head coach since 1995. Where you can find him: When he’s not being a boss at the Breslin, you can find Izzo bopping around East Lansing, participating in community events and solving crime. What you can expect from him: You can expect Izzo to continue being a badass for the rest of his life without fear of disappointment. What we think he thinks: I bet my dick is bigger than John Beilein’s.
Name: John Sheldon (Johnny Spirit) Why you should know him: He’s been to every MSU home football game since like, ever. I also read that“Johnny Spirit was thrown-out of the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta. He was chanting ‘Sparty On’ as security was removing him from the arena” on some random website. Where you can find him: Probably not at every MSU home football game. What you can expect from him: You can expect good ole Johnny to be at the game rain or shine painted head to toe in a green with a big, white “S” on his chest. (‘cause he’s ready to save ‘em). What we think he thinks: Why does the fight song ALWAYS give me a boner? Name: Zeke the Wonder Dog Why you should know him: Because he’s goddam wonderful. Where you can find him: You can find Zeke in a graveyard of other Zekes or on the field of the Spartan Stadium, catchin’ Frisbees and stealin’ hearts. What you can expect from him: You can expect Zeke to catch the Frisbee about 70% of the time and get cheered for wildly 100% of the time. What we think he thinks: I really thought I’d have a movie deal by now.
“Absofrickinlutely! Because I’m almost done with nursing school, I’m passing all my classes, and I’ve kept up with my alcoholism this whole time.” -Jessica, Senior
“Hell yes! Because I cram for every exam for 15 hours the day before the test, and I rock that shit out.” Lauren, Senior
“Probably, because I’m managing to maintain my grades while partying my ass off.” Rhiannon, Junior
5 Fall Fashion Trends We Wish Existed Justin Gawel wrote this
Fall fashion, back to school, whatever you call it—thy feature is laziness. Thank God it’s cold again and everyone can go back to covering up their pale, eczema-riddled skin and flab with baggy clothes yet again. We can all stop trying to get in shape until next summer! Apathy and sloth are back in, people, and with it comes a whole new world of fall fashion. Robes No, this is not to say that White Supremacy or being in weird secret societies is popular. Although we should be worried about those eventually because I’ve heard fads are cyclical. No, this is about the bathrobe. From the highest king to the lowliest pauper, who doesn’t like the feeling of a cool rush of morning wind up against their taint and coin purse? Forget ‘free balling’ or ‘free labia-ing’ in basketball shorts, just pop on a robe with no drawers on and feel the magic. I’d compare this enchanting sensation to what’s dramatized in nearly every breath mint or deodorant commercial out there. You can’t pass that up. Bonus: robes are pretty easy to pee in no matter if you’re a sprayin’ or a squattin’. Blankets For the person too lazy to buy a robe, there is always the blanket option. It’s like bringing your bed to class with you, and what’s more dependable than your comforter? Old reliable: keeps you warm in the winter and doubles as a cum rag in a pinch. If you want to go for extra credit, spring for the electric blanket route and sit by the outlet in lecture hall. Make yourself a cozy ‘hot pocket’ and invite that shy sexy freshman in your 10:20 over to share it. Remem-
ber, anything goes under an electric blanket, although handies and violent fingerbanging sessions are usually noticed. Wife Beater I should specify that I’m talking about the article of clothing being fashionable, not domestic abuse. Although, as mentioned before, fads are cyclical, so that may be cool again someday. Anyway, these sleeveless undershirts are fantastic. No one asks you to do anything when you have one on because everyone just assumes you’re an unreliable piece of shit if you’re wearing one of these. It’s a dream come true for all of us apathetic adult babies who are tired of people asking us to do favors for them. Pajamas On the same tangent as robes and blankets, there’s the already popular choice of pajamas. It’s the ambiguity of pajamas that has people not knowing if you’re just lazy or you’re too depressed and don’t have the energy for normal tasks. I really don’t know why everyone doesn’t wear pajamas out to the bar. Seriously, if you’re looking for a heaping helping of that pootie tang, pajamas at the bar convey your intentions for the night perfectly. Why go through the ordeal of dressing up when you’re just going to end up naked? Flasks Wearing a flask on your person is like wearing a fanny pack; it’s extremely convenient, but generally frowned upon. How many times have you sat in class (or been at Meijer, or at The Gallery, or at Chase Bank) and thought, “I could go for a pick-me-up right about now.” That’s right, all the fucking time. In a town of alcoholics, it’s good to come prepared. Plus, using a flask makes you feel like you’re Don Draper, even if you pull said flask out of a bathrobe pocket on the CATA bus. And if that homeless man sitting across from you shoots you a look just tell him, “Don’t judge me. You’re the one who smells like vomit and bad life decisions. And furthermore, no, I don’t have any money for you and your heroin addiction.” That’s it for fashion news. You stay sassy, East Lansing.
The Black Sheep Investigates: The Funambulist Sculpture Ziev Beresh wrote this Hello friends. The staff here at The Black Sheep would like to begin by apologizing. This particular investigation is long overdue, and was delayed by a staff cocaine binge followed by scented candle shopping, and also waiting in a long line at Chase Bank. Anyway, as I’m sure you’re all aware, there’s a big, red, pile of shit sitting outside Snyder-Phillips Hall. I am talking, of course, about the sculpture placed there last year known as The Funambulist. According to real adults, this sculpture is meant to symbolize “the balance college students must keep while they walk on a thin line before graduation.” What these people don’t realize is that college students must also balance their checkbooks, and this welded steel donkey hairball cost $150,000. Why wasn’t all this dough allocated to students in the form of financial aid/weed money? Because having to walk past this horribly placed piece of art is just priceless. The thing has already been vandalized countless times. In order to counter this vandalism, someone took some spray paint and wrote “ART” on the base of the sculpture to prove to the critics that “art” is what this crap actually is. Luckily someone scrubbed this off so that we can all keep on thinking that it’s not art like it isn’t. But how do other students feel about this giant festering dingleberry? “It’s a big metal thing, you know?” said psychology junior Ben Saul. “It doesn’t make me think of any struggle in particular, let alone my struggles as a student. I like my art to have a human element in it. So, if this sculpture depicted Gandhi eating a Slim Jim, I might like it. But it doesn’t, so I don’t.” It’s true. This sculpture doesn’t speak to anyone but the douchebags that funded it. Let’s see if we can break down their thought process: Take a part of campus that’s full of historic and
college-y looking buildings. Next, deface the whole thing by putting in a sculpture built by an art school reject that nobody asked for, nobody likes, and is a huge waste of everything. Indeed, this object is so negative in its nature, that it might as well be a black hole. So is this sculpture a black hole? Some students think so: “It’s not just a black hole. It’s red like the devil. The devil is standing between Snyder and Mason,” said journalism junior Alyssa F. “It looks like a chili pepper. It’s evil. I just, I just hate it.” RCAH sophomore Krysta H. said in utter disgust before throwing a small child at the sculpture. Indeed, many students have reported strange otherworldly noises coming from this thing. I myself have heard murmurings emanating from the sculpture. An otherworldly voice called out to me as I walked by and said, “Rick Perry for president…muawahaha.” Is this sculpture actually a portal leading to the gates of hell? The Black Sheep investigated, and yes, it is. We are all screwed. May God have mercy on your souls. I’m already doomed.
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SHOUT OUTS! Mike...did your brother piss on our couch? I think he did. Steve Dear Roomie. When I am sick, please do not wake me at 1 am to have another inane phone call with your boyfriend. Also, if I passively aggressively wake up and play tetris, it is a point- not permission to skype him and talk to his cat. Sincerely, WTF Wait...Jake...you're not an alum and you can't give me a summer internship? Dammit. - Sarah Boy from rama - what's your name again? And can I have my bra back, please? Dear Homeless Man outside of Starbucks: Please stop blocking the Black Sheep newspaper bin with your cart so that I don't have difficulty getting the latest edition of the Black Sheep...oh, and please stop staring at me through the Starbucks window. Jackie, next time you decide to bring home a random guy and girl by tempting them with a threesome, pass out, and let them hookup on the couch...I'm going to shave your head. They left love stains! -Pissed Off Mandy Dear Roommate, Sorry you woke up while I was having sex in the bed next to you. Sincerely, Your roommate that got it in SEND INYOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com
Scrawls That Appall on the Bathroom Stalls (of EL) No matter what age, year, or sexual orientation you define yourself as, if you read The Black Sheep, you’ve been in a public bathroom stall and had to pee like a racehorse while hammered. You’ve crouched down trying to avoid having your sorry ass directly touch the seat and had a 60% success rate at best. Eventually you just sit there and accept the amount of germs you’ve allowed to infect you with their love and fill you with their poison (direct lyric from Katy Perry, no shame), but it’s okay because when you’re drunk, all is right with the world.
Nachofest: Every Morbidly Obese Tex-Mex Lovin’ American’s Dream Come True At the Expense of Others Samantha Shaughnessy wrote this Dear Mayor Victor Loomis, I would just like to begin by saying that I am absolutely appalled and shocked by the actions of the Michigan State students here in the familial community of East Lansing. Being a Hope graduate, I know how to flaunt my school spirit and “get jiggy with it,” but these MSU students are simply out of control. Adjacent to my backyard, I have witnessed a sight so unholy and so disgusting that any God-fearing Christian would revolt. Mountainous heaps of tortilla chips and a bevy of cheeses, guacamole, salsa, and beans were being torn apart by ravenous young men and women. There was even a fountain consisting of liquefied cheese that I’m sure is everything but sanitary. Later in the day, I discovered that this celebration of debauchery is called “Nachofest.” Every year, twice a year, these students come together and consume great amounts of beer and chips, wrecking havoc on the unsuspecting East Lansing neighborhoods.
To make things worse, while I was pleasantly reading James Patterson’s Cross Fire, I was rudely interrupted by a crashing thump in my backyard. Lo and behold, one of their several dozen kegs was flung on my hydrangeas where I also found my lawn littered with chips and sombreros. The sandbox that my husband built for my grandchildren has suffered unspeakable matters; not only was it covered in some sort of cheesy upchuck, but there was also a piece of actual human fecal matter. I have never seen or experienced such blatant disregard for the personal property and well-being of others.
As an avid churchgoer, I was quite offended and disturbed as to what I saw going on—boys and girls (and even girls and girls!) engaged in sexual activity right in the open, marijuana openly distributed, and I’m positive I saw a midget do a keg-stand. These are hardly the Christian ideals that our country was founded on!
I’ve been to every bar in East Lansing at least once, and I’ve got to say from thorough investigation and the experience of someone with the sense of humor of Ron Jeremy, there’s one bar in this city who has the bathroom stalls of nothing I’ve ever seen. P.T O’Malley’s, you win this award with a trophy of a golden marker on top. If you’re too young to go to this bar, or have no desire, I still feel that imparting this “wisdom” upon you would do more good than harm. Here are some direct quotes of the novels written on the women’s bathroom stalls at P.T. O’Malley’s in East Lansing: “Like Oh My Gawd!” “I LIKE MY EL W A SIDE OF FRYE <3” “God Bless My Dirty Pussy!” —the point on the exclamation had a heart because, well, of course it would
Lest we forget that the theme this year was James Bond… dear Lord. My husband is a Bond enthusiast, collecting Ian Fleming’s classic work and paying homage to the films by honoring Sir Thomas Sean Connery, Sir Roger Moore, and George Lazenby for their breathtaking renditions of the gentlemanly Brit. He was nearly sent into cardiac arrest at the sight of this tomfoolery. Nachos and English literature do not mix. I’m sure these hooligans have never even read a page of a Bond classic in their lives. Shouldn’t these kids be more focused on the vast and exciting world of academia?
“vag try anal.”
After calling the police several times, they didn’t believe me and disregarded me, and I quote, as “an old loon.” Well, I say enough is enough. Either you put an end to this behavior or I will contact all participating neighborhood associations and take action myself. As a taxpayer and an active member of AARP, I will not rest until something is done with these heathens they call Spartans.
“LOVE LIKE LESBOS”
"There was even a fountain of liquefied cheese that I'm sure was anything but sanitary."
Many came dressed up as Mexicans wearing sombreros, mustaches, ponchos, Dunkin’ Donuts uniforms, you name it. And at the end of the night, they set off illegal fireworks…I moved here for a reason; if I wanted to live next to people who behaved this unruly, I would’ve moved to Detroit.
Now, if you have two eyes (or even one eye), you have seen that there’s writing covering most of the bars of East Lansing. From Crunchy’s to the bar of the Marriot Hotel (if there even is one, I’m sure a Spartan has defaced it somewhere with a nice penis doodle). These alcohol aficionados will strike swiftly and unexpectedly; with a foul mind and a marker they just happened to bring around to the bars with them. A writing utensil has become one of the many necessities you can’t leave your place without when going to a bar in this city.
Sincerely, Deena Worthington
“I Love Black Men” and a drawing of a heart with the word “sex” “CMAD is a fucking bitch” — which I took as being “Canada is a fucking bitch,” something that I wholeheartedly agree with, but was drunk and corrected reading this the second time. “I <3 da (drawing of upper peninsula)” “If I get Chlamidiya (sp?) I’m blaming it on WILL. DUH” —At least she acknowledged the incorrect spelling. “FUCK ME HARDER” —On the back of the bathroom entrance
“There once was a man from Bardoo, who fell asleep in a canoe. He dreamt of Venus and played with his penis and woke up with a hand full of goo.” And last but not least, the winner of the Nasty Award: “I FUCKED YOUR DAD IN THIS STALL AND HIS DICK WAS SO FUCKING BIG I CAME SO HARD I SQUIRTED ON HIS GOD DAMN AMERICAN FACE BLESS YOU!” Wait, what? You fucked my dad? This just got awkward. So, uh, until next time, Spartans… I’ll be watching the walls for more.
black betty wrote this
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Major: Sales/Marketing Relationship Status: It’s Complicated Nickname: Gun Powder What’s your best quality? My smile (He’s right, it’s pretty dreamy.) What’s your worst quality? I have a temper. Any hobbies? Hockey, going to the gym, and hanging with the boys. Favorite music genre or artist? Eminem If you could have any exotic animal as a pet, what would it be? A Liger What’s your favorite part about being a bartender? Getting to meet new people every day, and trying to decide who’s drunk and who’s just stupid. What’s the worst pick up line you’ve heard from a customer? From an old woman: Are you gay? Because you’re too good looking to be straight.
The Stump Game Are you feeling lucky or just sick of run-of-the-mill drinking games? Walk away from the beer pong table for a hot second and head outside for a round (or six) of the stump game. After all, chicks dig dangerous shit… right? Number of Players: At least two. What you need: A big ass stump, one nail for each player and one hammer. How to Play: - The Stump Game is played around a big honkin’ stump. The objective is to have the last nail standing. - First, each player should slightly hammer a nail into the stump in a circle. - To determine the amount of whacks each player should get, he or she must toss the hammer in the air and catch it ON THE GRIP (if the hammer is not caught by the grip it is passed on to the next player). Each player will be able to earn a maximum of four whacks per turn. The difficulty of the executed catch determines the amount of whacks the player is to receive and are ranked as follows: - Straight up- 1 whack - Under the leg- 2 whacks - Behind the back- 3 whacks - Unique style catches (determined at the discretion of participants)- 4 whacks - If you catch the hammer, you try to drive your opponents nail into the stump. When your nail is completely into the stump you must shotgun a beer. The stump game has been said to get easier once you are a few beers deep. The game ends when: Someone gets hurt, so after 10 minutes.
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Let’s say a sexy girl walked in the bar right now, what would you do? I would behave and act professional because my relationship is already complicated. People are figuring out their Halloween costumes this month. What’s the sexiest Halloween costume in your opinion? I saw a girl dressed up as a red sports car with head lights on her boobs that you could touch to turn on and off. Tell me about a time when you embarrassed yourself: A couple years back I got dared to give a lap dance in The Riv, so I took a couple more shots of tequila and gave a lap dance on the stage. Biggest Turn-on? A girl with confidence. Biggest Turn-off? A girl that tries too hard. Any Shout-outs? Shout out to everybody at Harpers!
recipe for disaster:
Who in their right mind doesn’t love breakfast for dinner? Even people not in their right mind love it, and they take that love to places we sober people never dared to take them.
What You Need: 1 sausage patty, 2 fried eggs, 2 slices of bread, 1/4 cup of milk/ egg mixture, peanut butter, syrup and hot sauce are optional. Cook Time: 15 minutes, but it’ll feel like 50 years. Fatty Factor: If it’s 4am, doesn’t this count as a balanced breakfast? We think so. Let’s Get Baked: - Take a sausage patty and throw it into a hot pan; cook until there’s no more pink in the middle. - Next, fry up two eggs to your particular fried-egg delight. Once the sausage and eggs are done, remove them from the pan. - Dip your pieces of bread into the egg/milk mixture and cook it up on the stove top, like French toast. - Once the bread is fully cooked, remove them from the pan. - Spread peanut butter on both sides of the bread, and place the sausage and fried eggs between them. - Drizzle on syrup, hot sauce, or both. See, getting toasted and doing something weird doesn’t always end bad! Now, the time you drank 4 cups of that Jungle Juice with Everclear and started heckling a dying bush, that was pretty weird.
Jobs: Can’t Live With ‘em, Can’t Live Without ‘em We all have to bills to pay—whether it’s through mommy and daddy, student loans, or for a few of us, a shitty part-time job. For those of you who do have a job, you know they suck dick (literally for some, depending on the profession). You have to take time out of your busy study schedule,(and not to mention drinking schedule), to serve food or fold clothes for minimum wage. But the fact is, we gotta pay for our bills. Tuition, probation fees and that weekly case of Busch Light won’t pay for themselves. Here are some possible jobs you could consider until you get your college degree (or if you’re majoring in English and will have a worthless college degree anyway). Clothing Store: Do you really care if that old dingus is finding her size in those grandma jeans? Of course not. Do you seriously enjoy helping that middle-aged woman find some new jeggings? Hell no. Retail jobs are shit. You put on a fake smile and fold the same shirt at least seventy times in two hours. You also have to pretend the average person has great personal style and looks good in clothes that are meant for people who are 5’8 and 120 pounds. And models. It could be worse though; the only real safety hazard is disposing of the skidmark underwear that some ass clown actually tried on and wore around the store. Fast food: Mcdonalds, Taco Bell, Burger King, Wendy’s, Arby’s, White Castle, Popeye’s, Checkers, and the god-forsaken KFC are the real nine circles of hell Dante is referring to in the Inferno. I don’t know what could be worse than making “food” in a greasy kitchen while trying to understand drunk assholes through a drive-through speaker. Also, due to America’s overwhelming need for a “fourth meal,” these places are typically open 24 hours. Therefore, you are more likely to get the graveyard shifts, aka, midnight to 6AM, and aka prime drunk time. Looks like the only thing you can win in this ca-
leanne johnson wrote this
reer path is a shitty paycheck and a fresh batch of acne. Grocery store: Pushing carts, stocking bananas, and putting tiny price tags on millions of products sounds like a raging good time. Ringing up an extreme couponer is also a hoot because it gives you the opportunity to watch a fatass in action; who knew someone needed 30 bottles of Ranch Dressing? Trick question, you don’t. I know you don’t have a family. On the bright side, you have an employee discount that allows you to buy all the toilet paper and cooked rotisserie chickens you need at a bargain price. You could also probably smuggle a few cans of beer on your lunch break if you’re sneaky enough. Don’t worry, no one will even know you’re drunk because chances are, 50% of the customers will be too. Gas station: The level of safety working at a gas station is comparable to being a prostitute, but don’t be discouraged. What job could be more fulfilling than selling cigarettes, chewing tobacco, and a 40oz to wholesome trucker after wholesome trucker? And if you’re creative, being on alert for any strange characters looking to rob you at gunpoint could turn into a riveting game of life and death. Most times you’ll live, but if things start looking sour, get some pepper spray. A burglar’s concealed weapon won’t stand a chance against that tiny can. At the end of the day, a job isn’t supposed to be fun (although there really should be some human labor laws against some of these shitholes). However, we must all endure this to pay for the “education” we’re getting, booze we’re drinking, and hookers we’re… hanging out with. Just think of it as motivation to get your degree, because if you don’t, that pole with a golden arch could be your second home.
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the movie page Based on the Trailer
The Lion King 3D MIKE BENSON saw this and gave it a...
Roger Allers, Rob Minkoff
Starring: Dennis Quaid, Julianne Hough, Kenny Wormald What You Need to Know: Similar to the original Footloose, a city boy— Ren MacCormack (played by Kenny Wormald) moves to Bomont, a boring small town in America’s south from bustling Boston. To make matters worse he finds out that the city has completely outlawed dancing after the tragic loss of a group of teens a few years earlier. What We Think: The cast of this film is extremely good looking. Although many of us have probably seen the original at least twice, it will still be fun to drool over the plethora of beautiful human beings gathered onto one screen. Plus a Kevin Bacon cameo.
Starring: Mary-Elizabeth Winstead, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Eric Christian Olsen, Joel Edgerton What you need to know: A research team is all smiles after making a discovery of some sort of ancient-life on Antarctica. However, our hero Kate Lloyd (played by Mary-Elizabeth Winstead) has a totally legitimate concern about the ancient specimen they have found...what could be wrong? What we think: Yikes, this remake of the original seems to be pretty intense. Imagine if your bitchy roommate was taken over by an ancient evil… THING! It will probably be worth watching when it appears on your roommate’s Netflix queue.
Paranormal Activity 3 Oct. 21 Starring: Katie Featherston What you need to know: Katie Featherson plays a mother living in a haunted house with her family. In an attempt to logically explain the eerie happenings around the house, she puts video cameras all over the house to monitor what happens at night. This reveals their kids doing creepy things—such as jumping off the banister only to climb back up the stairs and talking to an “imaginary” friend. Horror ensues. What we think: I mean, if you liked Paranormal 1 and 2 then you would probably like this one as well. After all, it does seem to have the exact same creepy plot as the past two films...and was probably shot at the same time...
Matthew Broderick, Jeremy Irons, James Earl Jones
“Hakuna Matata” means no worries, because this flick’s still awesome... WAH! SIWENYAH! Those are the words at the beginning of The Lion King. After all these years I still have no idea what gibberish chanting ensues to start off the film's popular track, The Circle of Life. Everyone kind of has their own version though, and when the movie starts and the sun rises somewhere on the African plateau, I get goosebumps of nostalgia all over my scrotum. Back on September 16, one of our personal favorites from 90's childhood resurfaced in a very real way. The Lion King stepped into another dimension and the “circle” of life slowly protruded into an incredibly complicated sphere, or cylinder. As I sat in the Goodrich 16 in Savoy this weekend with a bottle of chocolate milk and a strand called “wild woman” in my brain, my inner boy was viciously tickled into joy. I couldn't resist singing along to all of the classic musical numbers, like “Hakuna Matata,” “I Just Can't Wait To Be King,” and “Be Prepared” even though it kind of freaked out the kids. But fuck the kids because this isn't for them. It's for our generation. Frankly, there were actually no children in the theater, only young
adults, which I thought was pretty awesome. Now, I know some of you are like “why would I go see a movie in theaters that I've already seen like 400 times?” Stop being such a negative Newman. It really was a magical experience and to be honest, there are a lot of things in the movie that I didn't catch as a youngin'. Like do you remember the sexual tension between Simba and Nala? Jeeze, I've never had a wet dream about a lioness before, but this is the most excited I've gotten for a cartoon since Lola Bunny or Jessica Rabbit (Why do I sound like I have a rabbit fetish?) Another scene I found particularly hilarious was the one with the song “Be Prepared.” Scar is tired of being unimportant to the Kingdom so he comes up with the terrible, but plot-based plan to kill Mufasa, the king of the jungle, and his cub Simba. The hyenas accompany Scar as he finds himself giving a rhythmic rant about how he's going to 187 on that bitch and take the kingdom. Anyways, things go from gangster's paradise to the Third Reich, Scar stands above the hyenas like
it's good to be king
Hitler over his armies during WWII and the hyenas march by in perfect Nazi form. Hidden messages much? There's also that little tidbit of “sex” when Simba, now a grown adult, finds himself lost in the desert searching for a way to put his past behind him. Yup, right when he plops down on a cliff in hopelessness, a cloud of dust flies up forming the word “sex.” This one is not as obvious, but it's definitely a more famous mishap. What a cast too. Ferris Bueller becomes the King, Darth Vader turns away from the dark side as Hamlet's Dad, Cheech partners up with Whoopi Goldberg and some crackhead named Ed, and Marcus from Smart Guy gets dooped and stuffed under the blinding light that is the career of Johnathon Taylor Thomas. Overall, I give this movie an A, not because of an awesome soundtrack, my favorite hidden messages, or star-studded cast, but because of one of the most inspiring characters in the history of Disney: Raffiki. Raffiki is the coolest blueassed baboon whose wisdom of squashed bananas can change the world. We are all better people because of Raffiki.
answers are a few from here
october 4: Fast Five Scream 4 Boy Meets World: Season 7 (the last one) The League: Season 2 october 11: Green Lantern Horrible Bosses Tree of Life The Zookeeper Workaholics: Season 1
In King Kong, this actress gets taken to the top of the Empire State Building...
In The King's Speech, Colin Firth did a bang-up job portraying this stuttering king...
Street Kings was awful, but did have this actor who was in The Last King of Scotland...
This was Stephen King's first big hit...and it was a blood bath!
John Linnell of They Might Be Giants
John Linnell is the vocalist/multi-instrumentalist half of Brooklyn-based They Might Be Giants. He has two more Grammys than you have and enjoys bagels. The Black Sheep: Your new album, Join Us, dropped a few months ago, but the album before that, Here Comes Science, was a children’s album. How do you transition from writing music for children to writing music for adults? John Linnell: Well, it’s not as drastic as you might think. We weren’t trying to distance ourselves from the kids project or anything, because the kids music wasn’t really kids music, it’s our music our way, it’s just stuff kids can listen to. TBS: How much consideration—regarding subject matter—do you give a song intended for children, as opposed to songs written for adults? John: Our last three albums were all themed, so really it’s been explicitly spelled out what we’re doing, whether it’s songs about numbers or science. In that sense, yeah, and it makes it a little easier, you know what you’re saying, but you just have to find a way to say it. TBS: On Join Us you don’t have a song over three minutes long. Is that a conscious decision? John: We just naturally drift towards short songs, so we write them. There’s no specific minute we shoot for, it’s just what we end up with.
TBS: Over your long career how have you seen your sound change? John: We haven’t really charted it or conceptualized our music, we tend to just write a bunch of songs and publish the ones that work best together on an album. Over time the kind of material we do has changed, we’re trying not to repeat ourselves, and we’re trying to find something new to say each time. We’ve been around for a ridiculously long time, so to not change would be odd. We occasionally have ideas like, “Let’s come up with something we can play as a 3-piece at a radio station,” but we’ve always had a range that we like to work in.
One, two, three, four no more. Real, old school fans of Feist have known her since her beautiful, whispering words in the nearly decade old tune “Lover’s Spit,” when she was a more prominent member of the Canadian band Broken Social Scene in which, not so beautifully (or, whatever, some of you weirdoes might find it hot), she sang about people giving blow jobs. New fans of Feist know her from that catchy-ass tune from an iPod Nano commercial which, coincidentally, was the only song off of The Reminder that she didn’t write. Ironic? Well, yes, and the fact that little ole’ Leslie Feist is practically a household name now. Who knew she got her start singing about semen. Feist’s third album Metals comes over a year after the aforementioned album, a few Grammy nominations and that one damn hit “One Two Three Four.” Despite the extreme success of that song, the rest of The Reminder is by far Feist’s best solo stuff to date — it’s passionate, genuine, at times upbeat and at times perfectly sentimental. But Feist has always done that so well, juxtaposing both genres in a listenable, creative, successful way. But where Metals has plenty of the slow, soft-spoken songs to put yourself in a weird mood, there isn’t any of the upbeat to balance out the lows with the highs.
The opening track “The Bad in Each Other” is an optimistic start and teases the listener; the track is heavy-ish and actually somewhat fast paced, but is unlike the rest of the album. The songs that aren’t entirely depressing (“How Come You Never Go There”) are, to be blunt, lame and uninteresting. “Woe Be” is her best from the second half of the album, still desperately slow and soft but with a more interesting guitar sounds and beautiful vocals. It’s not surprising that Metals is so far removed from her last two albums — she practically hid out in the prairies of France to write this album, and it only took her, oh, a year to find the inspiration to start making music again. It’s a shame that she seemingly “lost it,” and it’s no doubt that the unexpected national attention of that one stupid song kind of threw her off. Well, it’s not stupid, it really is a great song. But it’s sad that it became totally commercialized, which was clearly never Feist’s intent. Oh well, she can always bask in all of her royalty’s and remember the days of singing about jizz. Sounds Like: The inside of a tear drop. Download: The Bad in Each Other, Woe Be Listen to it When: You’re not contemplating suicide, but want to.
Jack's Mannequin: People & Things Mayday Parade: Mayday Parade Misfits: The Devil's Rain Scott McCreery: Clear As Day
Styles P: Master Of Ceremonies The Misfits: The Devil's Rain Ben Lee: Deeper Into Dreams William Shatner: Seeking Major Tom
TBS: Do you ever marvel at the idea that you have people who are four and people who are sixty that probably listen to, and enjoy, your music equally? John: There’s only been one There Might Be Giants, so we don’t really have anything to compare it to. Looking at other bands, I think we’re really lucky to be able to attract new fans and not alienate old ones. We’re not a band that has an enormous fanbase—we have fans that are loyal and dedicated— so we get this interesting range of people. TBS: Since you’ve been around the music block a few times, what’s the biggest change you’ve seen in the music industry the past 20 years? John: I think it’s probably obvious, but the collapse of the record industry. So, uh, that was weird. It’s affected us materially, because we can't support ourselves just making albums anymore. Now we have to do a lot of other stuff to keep the boat afloat. We’re behaving as though it’s still cool to be in a band. There’s plenty of opportunities for young musicians to be in a band, but it’s not as good a business opportunity as it once was. TBS: How has touring changed for you now, then? John: When we started we were in vans, driving around and crashing on couches. We moved up to cheap motels, and by our third album it’s been the same, more or less. Now we’re on a bus with small bunks with a cappuccino machine. TBS: What do you do with your Grammys? John: Oh man, I hate to even say this, but I can’t find one and the other one is sitting on a bookshelf in my house. I mean, what do you do with it? TBS: I don’t know, I don’t have one. What’s your perfect sandwich? John: I like that one! I like a roast beef and cream cheese sandwich on a salt bagel. The salt bagel just has huge chunks of rock salt, it’s like you’re afraid it’s going to snow on your bagel.
Brendan Bonham wrote this
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So there I was man, in class, and I was all “__1__ this __2__, I don’t want to learn any of this __3__ today,” but then this __4__ walked into the classroom. She was some real __5__ sexy __6__ I hadn’t seen before, and I was all, “Well __7__, I might as well stay up in this __8__ and learn some __9__.” So I’m just sitting on my __10__, staring directly at this __11__ __12__, daydreaming about how I’m gonna __13__ the __14__ out of her __15__ after class when some __16__ next to me gets a text message. But guess what? The __17__ professor thought it was me, so he’s __18__ at me and I’m all, “__19__ dude, I don’t even have my phone on me!” It was pretty __20__ embarrassing. Anyway, so class is over, right? And this __21__ __22__slut is walking out of class, so I’m thinking to myself, “I wanna __23__ the __24__ out of this __25__,” so I decide to walk with her. I find out this __26__ is named Sarah, so I’m all thinkin’, “__27__, you may be Sarah, but you can call me daddy,” when I realize that I wasn’t actually thinking that __28__, I was saying it out loud. I’m all, “__29__, wanna suck my __30__ anyway?” This __31__, though, she’s all, “the __32__ wrong with you?” And walks away like her __33__ don’t stink. The __34__ is up 1. Naomi Watts 2. King George VI with that, right __35__? 3. Forest Whitaker 4. Carrie
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