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theblacksheeponline.com Week of April 27th, 2011 | Volume 4 Issue 15

Other stuff

Inside 04

Summertime, and the Livins’ Easty:

What to expect if you’re gonna kick it in the EL this summer.

The Finals Week Bucket List

Teddy Baum Cox wrote this

05

Skool’s Out 4ever:

11

Internships and You!

What if the government decided to abolish higher education?

How to make sure to get the most out of your summer internship

CONTINUED ON PAGE 11...

I

t’s the moment of truth bitches! The last week, the last hurrah- your chance to go out into the world and show those professors and TAs what you’re made of. You are finally offered the opportunity to show off what you’ve learned over the course of the entire semester…or what you were able to cram into your Adderall-fueled brain (only to later regurgitate it all over that shitty blue book you got for free). However, before you settle down to take all those exams, you need have a little fun. It’s time, my friends, for… The Finals Week Bucket List. The first one is the most obvious. With all that Adderall and studying to do, you will definitely be going to the library. It really doesn’t take a genius to figure out what needs to be done here. Hook up in the library. My suggestions are in the basement or on the top floor. If you’re feeling adventurous, go with a study room. Just remember ladies, when a guy takes Adderall, his peepee gets smaller. It’s just a fact of nature. Well, except my penis… that thing is huge. Other library adventures are boozing in the lib or being the hero this campus needs and punch the dickhead on their phone in the face. Right, cool, got the library covered-- now we need to hit up some party antics. As usual, house parties will be in abundance, and thus, we have a lot of opportunity to fuck around. This typically goes without saying, but a top priority is to upper deck a toilet. Basically, you need to shit in the water holding the thing-a

ma-jig that is behind the bowl of the toilet. House parties are good times to hook up, but you can do that any ole time. Try to hook up with someone outside of your comfort zone. Ladies, you see that guy with the popped collar, backwards hat and overwhelming smell of Axe? Well, today is his lucky day. Guys? Well, just bang a fatty. Got yo drink on, got yo fuck on and now you gotta get yo munch on. I am not talking about going down on your girl, for those of you with extremely dirty minds (aka a majority of my reading demographic). Drunk food is the best food; you have to try new things before you head out. That typically means kicking shit up a notch on the heat factor. For my slow readers (again a majority of my reading demographic), eat the spiciest damn thing you can find. That Johnny Cash song, “Burning Ring of Fire” should be the theme of the shits you take the next day. While enjoying this fine fiery food (see what I did there?) try to enjoy a drink outside the norm. Too often do I hear bitches claim they only drink vodka or they are a rum person—then when you ask them what kind they prefer it’s Bacardi or Popov. Forget that, actually try something different, drop a lil’ cash and buy some classy booze. Oh, and lastly, (this one is most important), keep reading this stuff over the summer (www.theblacksheeponline.com). That is critical. Have a good summer my readers, don’t fail-out. And when it doubt, rawdog that shit.


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Sexy Anagrams!

Here are a few words for you to learn, memorize, and use on a daily basis. Try it out and see what happens! Jewlatto: Definition: A racist term for anyone who is half Jewish, half another religion, thus allowing them to take maximum advantage of religious holidays. Sentence: “Molly has so many excused absences from class because her mom is Catholic and her dad is Jewish, she’s a Jewlatto.” Textual Intercourse: Definition: Erotic text messages sent back and forth between two people. Sentence: “Jeff achieved orgasm minutes into his textual intercourse with Bridget.”

Send us a sentence using one of the words above, and the best one wins a prize! vocab@theblacksheeponline.com

Last Week's Answers!

Text "SpartyOn" to 69302!

Can you figure out who these hotties are?

Name Liners = Leann Rimes

At Puke Ton

Saggy Diet

Arch Car Doc Few = Chase Crawford

Send your answers to celebs@theboozenews.com! The first 5 right answers win prizes!


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Skool’s out 4ever: The Alice Cooper Story Leanne Johnson wrote this With the recent budget cuts and threats that the government will be shutting down any minute, it got me thinking, what if Alice Cooper’s famous song, “School’s Out,” became a reality? What if we woke up one day and the government decided not to fund higher education anymore? No more college, no more degrees, and no more acceptable human beings. How would our country function in the hands of uneducated imbeciles? Well, I have a few predictions… Job market would change: As citizens of the U.S. became more and more inept, jobs that require highly trained professionals would become obsolete. Suddenly, a role on 16 & Pregnant or Rock of Love would become the nation’s most lucrative careers. Mothers and fathers all over the country would beg their young daughters to get pregnant and people would pretend that washed up 80s rockers were cool.

Sarah Palin would become President of the United States: With the nation’s I.Q.s plummeting faster than the Dow, Sarah Palin would actually be considered border-line genius.TLC would probably turn her presidency into a reality show called “Sarah Palin’s America.” Then, the whole world could watch the United States go down the drain faster than Bristol Palin’s vow to abstinence.

DID YOU KNOW

Alice Cooper has a golf handicap of 7!

Meth addictions skyrocket: Sure, alcohol abuse may decrease due to the elimination of the college party scene, but that means people would turn to more hardcore METH-

?

ods. This would cause a big ruckus. Brain cells would decay as fast as teeth and Fergie would relapse and form a new band, Black Toothed Peas. Jeopardy would be canceled: How could we possibly continue to be entertained by anything remotely intellectual? Alex Trebek would be out of a job for the first since the 1980s! As masters degrees and PhDs became unavailable, winning Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader? Would be the new way to prove your intelligence.

Obesity rates would plummet: With the nation in an intellectual tailspin supply chains would quickly fall apart. Corn shipments would be delayed to the syrupin’ factory. Fat rendering plants would fall useless. Wal-Mart would no longer be able to stock $2 5-gallon tubs of cookie dough ice cream. Man would be forced to grow his own food and subsist off of the land. Things could be worse.

Literacy rates would decrease: Literacy rates would be lower than the times of slavery and all words would be replaced with pictures. Pictures in books, magazines, and even street signs; Grand River would just be marked with a squiggle and Albert Street would be a picture of a fat black guy. (Editor’s note: I think all street sign people are portrayed as black…). Social structure would change: Coffee houses and libraries would no longer be considered intellectual hotspots. Instead, evangelical churches and Autozone would be where citizens go to find profound and meaningful ideas. Snooki would replace Nancy Pelosi and DJ Pauly D would be the new Steve Jobs.

So, our country wouldn’t be completely lost, just really messed up on drugs and confused when forced to look at written words. People would have to join the circus and rely on their freak-of-nature tendencies to make money, instead of their ability to read or do basic math. It can’t be that bad living in a country that is highly uneducated; I heard Sub-Saharan Africa is doing great!

Am I the Only One Who’s Spending the Summer in East Lansing?

Bailey Walsh wrote this As I approach my last summer (hopefully) in East Lansing, I can’t help but hope it will be better than the last. Oddly enough, spending forty hours a week in an office to go home to a house with no air conditioning leaves something to be desired. Summers in East Lansing are strange; they’re NOTHING like the East Lansing one experiences during a standard school year. How so, you ask? Well, let’s see… For starters, the streets just ain’t the same! I mean that in the most gangster way possible, but what I also mean is that the constant flow of people hustling and bustling throughout the streets of East Lansing transforms to the occasional dawdle down Grand River. Everyone who has been a resident of East Lansing for a year or more knows that this campus comes alive in the springtime. After what feels like an eternity of wintery weather, frat bros are dyin’ to chill in their cargo shorts while girls are itchin’ to bust out their sundresses. Now we’re all wearing less clothing, beer pong tables make their way outside, and everyone is having a jolly ole time… Fast forward a month to summer: the weather is increasingly nicer, but the campus is a ghost town. Underclassmen go home to their mommies and daddies to spend an awkward summer with their high school friends they no longer have anything in common with, upperclassmen go away to do internships and other career preparing things, some other random people study abroad, and all the foreign kids go home to the countries they hail from. So, who does that leave us with? The stragglers—it’s all the people who don’t fit into one of the above categories, giving us a very diverse (weird) group of people. Update: Asians still don’t hang out with anyone but other Asians. If you’re lucky, a few of your friends will stick around and you’ll have someone to kill time with when you’re not masturbating working or going to class. However, if you’re staying in East Lansing over the summer for the first time expecting it to be like, “a ToTaL pArTy!!”, think again. Because the number of people in EL is so much lower than normal, the number of parties is also much, much lower. When there are parties, they’re usually fairly small and exclusive, and at someone’s house; certainly nothing like a big banger at Sigma Chi. /sarcasm. The bars are probably one’s best bet for drinking and having a good time, but it tends to be

the same crowd weekend after weekend (or weekday if you’re unemployed and/or an alcoholic). It’s not all bad, though. Since there aren’t as many people around, you tend to grow much closer with the people who are around. Nothing brings people together like mutual boredom! And who doesn’t want a new BFF? I can only assume people who hate happiness and friendship. In the end, a summer in East Lansing is whatever you want it to be. If you want to be miserable and do nothing but work and go to class, so be it. But, you can take advantage of East Lansing in this rare form and do all of the things you never get to during the school year. Skinny dip in every apartment complex’s pool,see how many McFlurrys you can eat in a 24 hour period, or maybe just wax your balls. Y’know, whatever you’re into. If nothing else, maybe you’ll get a tan and knockout a few credits. Have a good summer, dickheads!


Fromwww.theblacksheeponline.com The Streets

05

"What's the most expensive thing you've broken?"

The Last School Year In Review Justin Gawel wrote this AUGUST 2010 The most wonderful time of the year: Welcome Week. Freshmen are baptized into our culture of binge drinking, questionable decisions, and an absence of the word “no.” Blackouts resulting in pants shitting are commonplace, as all is right in the world (or at least East Lansing). Katy Perry releases “Teenage Dream” and frat boys everywhere have to hide their obsession with it. SEPTEMBER 2010 Classes start once again and students are forced to choose between sitting in a lecture hall pretending to pay attention or day drinking at home and continuing the bender they started at the end of spring finals.

Lady Gaga wears an outfit made of meat to the VMAs. At first she is celebrated for making a social statement, but then everyone remembers that she’s bat-shit crazy and it’s just a coincidence. OCTOBER 2010 The Social Network premieres and tops at the box office. America is officially as addicted to watching Facebook as it is to being on Facebook.

Once again Halloween provides the parents of East Lansing a spooky, scary, and vivid descriptions of what their children will be like someday. Also, costumes of trapped Chilean miners are dismissed as “too soon, bro.”

NOVEMBER 2010 In a very badass move, Mark Twain’s autobiography is published 100 years after his death as instructed by him. The world is happier. Tragically, more people are aware of the Lions losing on Thanksgiving than of its release.

Mike D., Senior

awkwardly hang out with their high school friends for three weeks.

JANUARY 2011 I imagine that the football team assumed that Y2K was going to happen, and thus, didn’t practice for their bowl game. It showed.

Martin Luther King’s dream is again realized by having a holiday that serves as an excuse for college students to get trashed on a Sunday night. FEBRUARY 2011 “Wah, my government is corrupt and oppresses me, boo-hoo.” A bunch of Egyptians whine on Facebook and Twitter and eventually start a revolution that is not as badass as the American Revolution and not as weird as “Revolution No. 9” by The Beatles. Egypt is still lame. Justin Bieber: Never Say Never premieres in theaters causing the horniest Valentine’s Day on record for thirteen-year-old girls. The pedophile community rejoices.

"Some guy’s car. I think it ended up being about $800." Liz P., Junior

MARCH 2011 Charlie Sheen captures America’s heart during a manic episode. Proving, once again, that everyone loves a fun crazy person to make their drug-addicted parent/child/employees seem not as bad by comparison. Michigan State basketball demonstrates that white men can’t jump by starting Mike Kebler in a tournament game they would later lose. If only Tom Izzo took more of an interest in Spike Lee’s films, this tragedy could have been avoided. Apparently a Tsunami happened too (who knew?)

Everyone returns to school after Thanksgiving feeling fat and selfconscious. Hm, that must be how kids from the University of Michigan feel all the time.

APRIL 2011 The World Wrestling Federation announces a plan to launch a 24hour cable channel next year. Everyone suspects a belated April Fool’s joke, but that was just wishful thinking. In related news: America is getting dumber.

A lot of college students do not have a merry Christmas break when they are forced to go without their traditional booty calls and have to

As we can all see, this year has been chock-full of exciting events and this summer has the potential to be just as exhilarating. Insert dick joke here ______________________.

DECEMBER 2010 Finals week arrives and the price of Adderall skyrockets. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: drugs are recession-proof.

"An ICR Mass Spectrometer. I'd estimate it at $5000+."

State students procrastinate studying for finals and Wesley Snipes continues to not pay taxes. The two constants of April.

"My Canon XLIS, $4000 camera. I was videotaping my boyfriend doing Jackass stunts and it broke." Jenny L., Senior


PICTURES K E E W E H OF T

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SHOUT OUTS! Dearest staff, you guys are a bunch of dicks. Lovely, lovely dicks. Thanks for a great year. Let’s have a Hotkrl vs. Wang rematch soon. Xoxo, Bailey To the girl who always sits in Holden Hall Sparty’s with the horrid bleached hair and camel toe. Get a clue... Farva, Stop lying about why you left school, we all know that you got kicked out for sending pictures of your wiener to that girl. Hey Justin - nice job passing out early, at least you got to sleep with your milk, that's all that really matters, right? To Molly- thanks for waking me up and trying to convince me that I peed myself, it smelled like Mountain Dew! Mike, you're leaving in two weeks, step up and make a move or you'll never see me naked.- Amanda Too many Hamms in my hand is not handy, right Mike?

SEND IN YOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com

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The Unavoidable Signs That You Are Growing Old and Disgusting Samantha Shaughnessy wrote this Another year gone by and another couple grand wasted on unused books, skipped IAH classes and drunken nights spent dry humping some stranger you met at Rick’s. Many of you may find yourself at a crossroads; whether you like it or not, you are growing up and graduation is right around the corner. Before you know it, you’ll be in a nursing home, withering away and getting changed daily by a couple of male nurses who are just praying for your slow, but inevitable death. If that didn’t make you depressed enough, here are just a few signs that you are slowly approaching adulthood:

Sex develops into a more intense workout than ever before. After 2 minutes, you’re panting heavier than Oprah walking up a flight of stairs. No more “reverse cowgirl,” “Ben Dover,” “Fire Hydrant,” or “Rickshaw” because the danger of throwing your back out is now a somewhat realistic fear. Get used to Missionary position and all of the not-so-wacky times it affords, it’ll become your staple move. Your only move. Even masturbating will become a chore; don’t be surprised when you pass out in the middle of some much-needed love strokes. Brace yourself because that spry young body that you once took for granted in high school will begin to disintegrate before your eyes. After walking to your car you will be sore like you can’t believe. Your liver—once your most trusted organ, will reject that last shot of Evan Williams. You will start to fear that every little pimple, rash, bump, or mole could be a potential tumor. In reality, you’re just becoming a closet hypochondriac and/or getting insane in your old age. Soon enough, rogue hairs will begin to materialize out of no-

where.For the young men who have been lucky enough to have an ass as smooth as a newborn’s, don’t get too, ahem, cocky because you’re in for a rude awakening. In the not too distant future, your girlfriend and/or wife will have to Nair your entire body: back, butt, and wrinkly balls. There’ll be more hair on your ears than on your own head. Ladies, you’re not too far off yourselves. Prepare for half-inch black nipple hairs on some saggy “Randy Quaid” titties. Schmexy.

Expect your bowels to become out of whack as well. What used to be a hefty solid log has now turned into the loosest of stools. According to fellow staff writer, Justin Gawel, “My stool sometimes resembles a piece of frayed rope.” Eloquently put, my friend. The absolute worst occurs when you start Hershey-squirtin’ it left and right in the Gallery after one too many pieces of Buffalo Chicken pizza. A good day consists of rabbit shits and squeezing out a few pebbles. Ah, the things to look forward to… You can also tell that you’re approaching thirty when your hog pile of an apartment slowly becomes semi-livable. You begin experimenting with different cleaning techniques to get rid of the McNugget Sweet & Sour sauce that has been stuck to your living room carpet for a year now. A kitchen that once smelled of broccoli farts is now replaced with the flirty scent of Febreze’s limited-time flavor, “Brazilian Carnival.”

Finally, bid farewell to the late nights of debauchery and fun with your besties because you are no longer drinking for social events. Say goodbye to your newfound alcoholism and welcome a sad six-hour long Food Network marathon in your sweats.


The Bar Grid

January 2010 Happy Hour: Monday – Friday 3-6pm.

   

$2.00: Domestic Pints $2.50: Well Drinks ½ Off: Potato Skins, Onion Rings, and Hush Puppies.  

WEDS: Who’s Hotter Than Me? THURS: No Cover, Live DJs Talent Competition at 9 $3 Pints of ‘lites’ $3 Miller Lt Drafts Wednesday  Thursday  Friday  Saturday  Daily Specials: $3 Wells   31  1  2  Monday 9pm-Close $4 Call Drinks   DJ Beats (Front Bar)  DJ Beats (Front Bar)  Global Village   $2.50 - Pints $3 SoCo-Limes, Kamikazes DJ Minze (Back Bar)  DJ Minze (Back Bar)  $3 Well Drinks $2.50 – Call Drinks Tuesday 9pm-Close $4 UV Bombs $3 Shot Specials 6  7  8  9  $2.00 – Well Drinks

SPECIAL NIGHT

          DJ Beats (Front Bar)  DJ Beats (Front Bar)           The Whirly Birds   $3.00 – Premium Drafts   $4.00 - Irish Car Bombs Who’s Hotter Than Me? DJ Minze (Back Bar)  DJ Minze (Back Bar)     Wednesday 9pm-Close 14  15  16  TalentDrafts Competition at13  9 $2.00 – Domestic   DJ Beats (Front Bar)   DJ Beats (Front Bar)    $2.50 – Well Drinks $3 Miller Lt Drafts DJ Minze (Back Bar)   DJ Minze (Back Bar)  The Ice Boxers  $3.00 – Bombs   $4 Call Drinks Thursday 9pm-Close $2.50 – Pints 20  21  22  23  $3 Well Drinks                     $2.50 – Call Drinks                     DJ Beats (Front Bar)  DJ Beats (Front Bar)  STAR FARM   Friday 9pm-Close $3 Shot Specials    DJ Minze (Back Bar)   DJ Minze (Back Bar)  $3.50 – All Pints   $3.00 – Well Drinks Burger Bash 3-8: Half off ALL Drinks Saturday 9pm-Close 27  28  29  30  $1 Burgers, $1 Fries $3.50 – All Pints           DJ Beats (Front Bar)  DJ Beats (Front Bar)                     $3.00 – Well 8-Close: Drinks Ladie’s Night!   DJ Minze (Back Bar)   DJ Minze (Back Bar)                    DJ Beats   Sunday All Day $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Lt., $3.00 –Bloody Mary & Mimosas $3.00Rolling – Pints Rock Bottles, Call Drinks,     $8.00 – Burger, & Pintand Kamizakes SoCoFries Limes Every Day   $3.50 Long Islands $3.00 – Kamikaze Shots      Dublin Square Irish Pub $4.00 – Pinnacle Bombs 327 Abbott Rd East Lansing MI 48823 9pm – Close Every Day

Happy Hour 4-7, Monday-Friday: $1 Off Pitchers, $0.50 Off Cocktails, $0.25 Off Bottles and Drafts Lunch Specials 11:30 to 2, Monday-Friday $4.72 Burgers w/ chips and drink $5.47 Burgers w/ fries and drink

BURGERAMA! 3-9PM Burgers $1.50

DJ DANCE PARTY (live DJ or Band) 1/2 Food all day!

$3 Pints of ‘lites’ $3 Calls $3 SoCo-Limes, Kamikazes $4 UV Bombs

Pitcher Night! $1.50 Off 60oz pitchers

No Cover, Live DJs $3 Pints of ‘lites’ $3 Wells $3 SoCo-Limes, Kamikazes $4 UV Bombs

Southwest Night! $2.75 Corona, Sierra Nevada, and Cuervo Gold Shots

BURGERAMA: $1.50 Burgers (3-9) $3 ‘Rama Brew, $2.50 Frog Tanks $3.50 Labatt Pitchers

Live DJs $3 Pints of ‘lites’ For More Information Contact Us:     (517) 351­2222  $3 Wells  www.dublinsquare.net   Or Text: “Dublin Square” to  $3 SoCo-Limes, Kamikazes 839863 for specials & updates.   $4 UV Bombs  

Happy Hour 4-7: $1 Off Pitchers, $0.50 Off Cocktails, $0.25 Off Bottles and Drafts Lunch Specials 11:30 to 2, Monday-Friday $4.72 Burgers w/ chips and drink $5.47 Burgers w/ fries and drink

$7.50 ALL YOU CAN EAT FISH FRY! $3.75 Smirnoff $5 Red Bull and Well Vodka $3.50 Grape Crush Shots $3 Labatt Mugs

$3.50 Captain Morgan $3.50 Flavored Vodkas $3 SoCo Lime and Kamikazes $3 Domestic Bottles and Drafts

Live Band and DJ $4 Smirnoff flavors $3 Pints of ‘lites’ $3 Wells $3 SoCo-Limes, Kamikazes $4 UV Bombs

$2.50 Pints of Labatt and Miller Lite all day!

$3.75 Captain/Jack Drinks $3 Labatt Mugs $3.50 SoCo Lime $4 Burger/Fries 12-5 pm

SUN, 5/01

Closed

$3 Pints, Calls, and Bacardi Bombs $3 Bloody Mary’s and Mimosas $8 Burger, Fries, and a Pint

Canadian Night! $2.50 Bottles Labatt Blue & Blue Light; Molson Golden and Canadian

Taco Trio w/ Drink Purchase 4:30-11:00pm $2.75 3 Beef or Chicken Tacos

MON, 5/02

$4 Domestic Pitchers $5 Premium Pitchers $3 Gator Bite Shots

$2 Pints of ‘lites’ $2 Wells $3 SoCo-Limes, Kamikazes $4 UV Bombs

Miller Lynchburg Night! $2.50 Miller, Lite, and Genuine Draft Bottles $2.75 Jack Shots

1/2 off FOOD all day! $1.75 Wll Drinks All Day $3 Labatt Mugs $4 Shots & Bombs

TUES, 5/03

$2.50 Bottles of Miller Lt, Coors Lt, and Rolling Rock $2.50 ALL CALL DRINKS $2.50 Soco Lime and Kamakazee Shots $3.50 Long Islands

$2 Pints of ‘lites’ $2 Wells $3 SoCo-Limes, Kamikazes $4 UV Bombs

Big Draft Beer Night! $2.75 Labatt Blue and Miller Lite $3.70 Blue Moon and Sam Adams $4.90 Guiness

WED, 5/04

Who’s Hotter Than Me? Talent Competition at 9 $3 Miller Lt Drafts $4 Call Drinks $3 Well Drinks $3 Shot Specials

$3 Pints of ‘lites’ $3 Calls $3 SoCo-Limes, Kamikazes $4 UV Bombs

WED, 4/27 THURS, 4/28 FRI, 4/29

8-Close: $3 All Drafts, Jack Daniels,   Soco and Kamikazes *Ladies Night~Limes, Every Thursday! ½ Off – Potato Skins Hush Puppies & Onion Rings

 

SAT, 4/30

Pitcher Night! $1.50 Off 60oz pitchers

$3 Labatt Mugs $3 Well & Call Drinks $4 Bombs/Shots (except Patron)

POOL TOURNAMENT 7 pm FREE POOL ALL DAY!! $2 Well and Call Drinks $3 Labatt Mugs $2.50 Sex on the Beach $3 Long Islands $2.75 3 Soft Shell Tacos DJ DANCE PARTY (live DJ or Band) 1/2 Food all day!

$3 Labatt Mugs $3 Well & Call Drinks $4 Bombs/Shots (except Patron)


The Bar Grid Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close Sunday - Friday: $1.00 off ALL tall Drafts, $3 Smirnoff® flavors, Crown Royal®, Captain Morgan®, Jack Daniel’s®, SoCo®, Jameson Irish Whiskey® & $2 Select Shots PLUS $3 select appetizers!

HAPPY HOUR! Mon - Fri, 4-7 1/2 Off Drinks and Drafts Free Pool and Darts

SATURDAY: BATTLEFIELD BRAWL FUNDRAISING PARTY with DJ DIL $1.95 Blow Jobs, Slippery Nipples, Screaming Orgasms, Dirty Girl Scouts and Wet Pussys, Cosmos & Glasses of Champagne, Flavored Vodka Drinks, Sex On The Beach

Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close Tigers vs. Mariners at 7:05pm Catch the game action with us!

Half Off Wednesday 1/2 Off Food 1/2 Off Drinks 1/2 Off Beers 1/2 Off Bottles of Wine

Closed

Come check out all our new hookahs!

WED, 4/27

THIRSTYGIRL THURSDAY DJ JUAN, NO Cover $1.95 You Call It Wells, Calls & Beers

Closed

Happy Hour 7-9PM

THURS, 4/28

Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close Tigers vs. Indians at 7:05pm.

COLLISION SIX LIVE! No Cover Before 9PM! $2.50 Stoli, Pints, and Bombs $2.50 Captain Drinks $2.50 Jack Drinks

Free For All Friday DJ BOBOLAI 9-10 NO Cover 9-11 FREE Draft Beer Tasting 9-11 FREE Pizza 9-11 $1.00 Drafts, Wells & Shots 11-2 $2.50 Wells, Beers & Shots

Happy Hour 7-9PM

FRI, 4/29

UFC 129 St. Pierre vs. Shields Watch it on our wall-to-wall TVs!

SATISFACTION SATURDAY SQUARE PEGZ LIVE! NO Cover before 9 $2.00 Pints, $3.00 Calls

BATTLEFIELD BRAWL FUNDRAISING PARTY with DJ DIL $1.95 Blow Jobs, Slippery Nipples, Screaming Orgasms, Dirty Girl Scouts and Wet Pussys, Cosmos & Glasses of Champagne, Flavored Vodka Drinks, Sex On The Beach

Happy Hour 7-9PM

SAT, 4/30

Closed

Rough weekend? A nice hookah can fix that...

SUN, 5/01

$1.50 Pints $3.00 Pitchers FREE Hot Dogs

Closed

Drinks and Hookah? Best way to start your week!

MON, 5/02

Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close 45-cent traditional wings Tigers vs. Yankees at 7:05pm Cheer on the Tigers while enjoying our specials!

Taco Tuesdays - FREE Tacos All-You-Can-Eat 7PM – 12AM $1.75 Wells $3.00 Well Doubles $2.50 Margaritas $5.00 Buckets of Coronas

Closed

Find us on Facebook!

TUES, 5/03

Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close Join us for FREE trivia starting at 10 pm!

Half Off Wednesday 1/2 Off Food 1/2 Off Drinks 1/2 Off Beers 1/2 Off Bottles of Wine

Closed

Come check out all our new hookahs!

WED, 5/04

Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close 55-cent boneless wings

Stop in for lunch and catch the ball game at 1:05 pm! Lunch combos starting at $6.99 served in 15 minutes or less!

Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close WWE Extreme Rules at 8pm You Have to be Here! Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close 55- cent boneless wings

Need a gift for an upcoming Grad? For a limited time, stop in to buy a $25 gift card and get a $5 gift certificate free!

Open - 7PM Half-Off Pizza $2.50 Pints, $6.75 Pitchers Sunday School 7-Close 1/2 Off Drinks, FREE PIZZA!

Open 7PM to 1AM Sunday-Wednesday Open 7PM to 3AM Thursday-Saturday

SPECIAL NIGHT


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bartender

WEEK

of the

Nickname: Elle Major: Kinesiology Relationship: Taken, but looking Hobbies: Baking cookies and “special” brownies Plans for the summer: Spending time by the pool and Lake Lansing and seeing the Black Keys at Bonnaroo Unique Talent: I play bass in a band named the Ingham County Ramblers Place you have hooked up on campus: The Beal Gardens, right by the river If you were stranded on a deserted island, what would you bring to help you leave?: I wouldn’t want to leave! Song you like to sing in the shower: Anything by Adele Guilty pleasure: Cigarettes Turn on: Big shoulders Turn off: Guys who just want ass Hangover cure: Naked Green Machine Underwear preference: Thong Superhero you want to be: Mystique Shoutout: My baby Nolan, all my girls, Callie and the Lentz sisters, my fam here at Dublin, and the best boss I’ve ever worked for Jim. ROCK OUT!

nard e L y o J Ellen are qu Dublin S

drink

Margarita

+ Herradora + Grand Marnier

lordy, lordy Louis Pasteur once said, “Luck favors the prepared,” but really, what has that guy ever done? This game is 100% luck, so no matter how prepared you may think you are, you’re still going to get screwed once in a while. Enjoy. Number of Players: At least two What You Need: Beer, an iron will, a deck of cards and lady luck. Intoxication Level: You’ll need a Lloyd’s of London insurance policy on that liver. How to Play: -The dealer shuffles the deck and lays 12 cards face-down on a table. -One person plays at a time. -The object of the game is to get through the face-down cards while taking as few drinks as possible. -In this game the number cards are worth zero, Jacks are worth one, Queens two, Kings three and Aces four. -The player flips over the cards in order. -If a numbered card is flipped over, they may turn over the next card with no consequence. -If a face card or an Ace is flipped over, that player must drink the corresponding number of drinks (example: Queen= two drinks) and add that many cards (Ace=four cards) to the end of the deck. - Once the player gets to the end of the face-down cards their turn is over. Reshuffle the deck and start over. The Game Ends When: Your luck has run out.

drinking games

shot

Honk + Rumplemintz

dare you

Prairie Fire + Tequila + Tabasco


www.theblacksheeponline.com

TOP 10 Things You’ve Always Wanted

11

to Say to Your Roommate

10. “Clean up after yourself.” The coffee table your grandmother left to you is covered with pizza boxes, cups half full with beer from three nights ago and moldy McDonald’s. Don’t even get me started with his laundry that seeps all over the place like a reenactment of the BP oil spill. Don’t bother asking him to take out the trash. The only way that is happening is if you dump the trash on his bed. 9. “Pay me back the money you owe me or I’ll beat it out of you.” You guys didn’t “split” the pizza. You paid and he took all the big pieces. “I’ll pay you back tomorrow bro!” He will say. No he won’t. Learn now and say “no” next time.

8. “Stop asking me non-stop if I want to get food with you.” You don’t, and yet he won’t stop asking every five seconds. Tell him to shut the hell up.

How To Impress the Company You’re Interning For Ziev Beresh wrote this When you were a kid you probably spent every summer sitting on your ass watching cartoons on Nickelodeon. Now that you’re a college student, you’ve probably graduated to spending all summer watching those same cartoons on DVDs, which you now own. But due to a number of factors ranging from pressure from your parents to…pressure from your advisors, you managed to land yourself an internship! Nice f’n job. You now have the golden opportunity to work for a company that not only won’t pay you, but will also engage you in menial tasks that you’d rather put your dick through a meat grinder before doing. You know what though? An internship is an internship just the same. And even though you probably don’t deserve congratulations, and are actually just a big sucker for playing the man’s system of white-collar servitude, this might be a good experience just the same. That is, if you can get something (a job) out of it. And to do that,you’ll need to impress the company. Here’s how:

1. Spread Rumors Welcome to corporate America, you pathetic slug! Where the first order of business ain’t business, it’s gossip. A corporation is like the jungle, you see, survival of the fittest, dog eat dog, do whatever it takes to get ahead, a “blow your boss for a job” kind of world. Got that maggot? And one of the most fantastic ways to get ahead is through the art of rumor spreading. Let’s say your name’s Joe. By day one, you should already have passed by the water cooler and dropped to the two sycophants standing there that Joe, the new intern, is actually the CEO’s grandnephew. Now you have the office at your feet. Well done. 2. Never wear a suit Why spend hundreds of dollars on a suit that, after this internship, will just hang in your closet until the next wedding or Bar Mitzvah you have to attend? Instead, wear whatever the fuck you want. That’s right, every day is casual Friday… for you. Don’t worry about not conforming to the dress code;

the only way to stand out around here is to wear your size XXXL Scarface T-Shirt and some jorts. All I’m saying is that maybe you should just let the handle of your Glock stick out of your belt a little. There you go, that’s better.You rule.

3. Learn to play golf In this cruel world where having a big scheme for a pyramid gets you a life sentence(poor Bernie, he was just an admirer of Egyptian architecture), you need a place to do business and talk about your ideas away from the oversized ears of the company moles. The golf course is a battlefield where deals are made and broken, companies merged or split, and clubs lie strewn about, broken by talentless VPs in frustration. Golf isn’t just a game; it’s your path to glory. Learn it, master it, and when your boss invites you to play around, beat everyone but him. He’ll be impressed by how good you are, but also happy you didn’t cream him…yet. 4. Cream your boss Now that everyone in the office both fears and sucks up to you, the only way to shed your intern skin and slither your way into a job is to get your boss to give it to you. After all, besides you he’s the only one with any real power around here. The boss is probably already pretty impressed with your accomplishments on the golf course as well as how the other workers cower under their desks as you, their demigod, pass them by. With your heightened status, now is the perfect time to turn on your powers of seduction. Whether it’s a Grade-A handjob or just a good motorboat, do what feels right. Even if it’s gay. You’ll thank us later.

Congratulations. Rather than spending your summer dicking around with coffee and Xerox machines, you’ve now managed to land yourself a respectable administrative position in an all right company! Screw finishing college, you’re the king around here! Your parentsmay finally be proud of you. Maybe.

7. “Quit asking me for fashion advice.” Every day he takes an hour getting ready for class asking you what looks good, causing him to miss the bus and come back to take up as much space as possible. He’s in college, not a fashion show. A t-shirt and jeans work fine, why doesn’t he get this?

6. “Turn down that horrible music.” He turns on the TV to idiots yelling at each other on Judge Judy, plays guitar, chats on Facebook that makes that annoying beep every two seconds, and blasts his shitty music only to leave the room for you to enjoy the banshee wail that is your room. Quit resisting those urges and beat his subwoofer to bits with the guitar. That’s two birds with one stone. 5. “Stop leaving your date alone in the room with me.” Seriously, if it’s not awkward silence, it’s a horrible conversation. She’s most likely hung over and probably doesn’t know where she is. Tell him to tend to his women. God only knows how he gets them in the first place. 4. “Quit venting to me all the time about everything.” He bitches and complains about the smallest details and “of course” his numerous opinions are never wrong. To make things worse, every time you make the decision to ask him for his horrible advice, his only response after a half hour of you spilling your heart out will be to lift up his head and say, “Huh? Sorry brah, wasn’t listening.”

3. “Stop getting ridiculously high.” You didn’t believe that there was such a thing as smoking too much weed until you met your roommate. After mooching off your neighbor or off you personally, he will proceed to beg you to get munchies for him all night while giggling in the fetal position. Tell him to get a grip and suck it if he’s so hungry.

2. “Don’t even think about having sex while I’m sleeping in the same room.” He gets to sleep all day while you have to get up early for class or work. Then, when you come home late from the library to get some sleep, he’s at home groping over some girl in the dark while watching some lame Nicolas Cage movie. No matter how hard you try to cock block him, nothing stops him from getting her in his bed and then some. No one wants to wake up to moaning, especially when he’s louder than the poor girl. 1. “If you watch porn on my computer and fry my freaking hard drive again, I am going to kill you.” What is a college student without his computer? Absolutely nothing. You literally can’t do anything. Angel, email, Google, and porn (for your own personal viewing pleasure) are all inaccessible. He already screwed up his own computer doing the same thing, why did he have to screw up yours? That was the worst week of the entire year, and it was all so he could get off to some disgusting whore getting banged by a hairy fat guy while you were sleeping.

Mike Hunt wrote this

By Steven VanMaele


12

www.theblacksheeponline.com

the movie page

Based on the Trailer

Win Win dave saw this and gave it a...

Director:

Thomas McCarthy

Starring:

Water For Elephants Out Now Starring: Robert Pattinson, Reese Witherspoon, Christoph Waltz What You Need to Know: Basically Edward Cullen falls in love with a carny. Or, veterinarian Jacob (Robert Pattinson) falls in love with Marlena (Reese Witherspoon), a star performer in a circus from way back in the day. Oh, and they have a strange compassion for an elephant, in which they give it water… for survival, of course? What We Think: Who doesn’t love a good carnivalthemed nostalgic romance? And who knew Robert Pattinson was way better looking when he isn’t pale and brooding all the time? With fantastical lights, acrobats and animals, as well as cutie Reese Witherspoon thrown in the mix, we think this movie looks pretty good.

Fast Five

April 29th

Starring: Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Dwayne Johnson What You Need to Know: A former cop (Paul Walker) partners with a scary ex-con (Vin Diesel) to shoot people, blow up cars, and break the law. Now that they are backed into a corner in Rio de Janeiro, they must pull one last job to gain their freedom. What We Think: BROS!!! ACTION!!! GIRLS!!! Can it get much better? Oh hell yeah. But does it need to? For this franchise, no way. Sure, any respectable human being would never actually enjoy these movies, but for the 17-year-old future fratdaddies of America, they are creaming themselves. No, they really are… there are boobs in the movie!

Something Borrowed May 6th Starring: Kate Hudson, Ginnifer Goodwin, John Krasinski What You Need to Know: The ugly friend (Ginnifer Goodwin) wants her hot friends’ (Kate Hudson) hot boyfriend, but doesn’t feel good enough even though she was friends with the hot guy first. Okay, so she isn’t ugly but, like, she’s no Kate Hudson. What We Think: So, uh, don’t tell anyone, but the book wasn’t terrible. Though it was far from literary greatness, it was engaging enough and the plotline is mildly relatable. The movie looks extremely cheesy, but we’re holding our breath that John Krasinski will bring a downto-earth humor that will make everyone comfortable.

B+

Paul Giamatti, Alex Shaffer, Amy Ryan

Synopsis:

A wrestling film where the characters wrestle with more than just other people. They also wrestle with their feelings. And other people’s feelings. Got it? In Win Win, Paul Giamatti stars as a muscular, handsome man who’s always happy and never grouchy because his life is completely fulfilling. Oh no, wait, I got that wrong. Giamatti actually plays the same guy he usually plays: a prickly schlub who, for some reason or another, is currently living a life he doesn’t enjoy. This time around, Giamatti is Mike Flaherty, a struggling lawyer in New Jersey who spends his nights co-coaching a failing high school wrestling team. His problems stem from an inability to keep his wife (Amy Ryan), children, or even himself happy. Please, oh, please, God of Giamatti Characters, won’t you bless Mr. Giamatti with yet another life-changing event that will snap him out of this depressing funk?! Fortunately the God of Giamatti Characters is a kind god and usually delivers a solid distraction to fix Giamatti’s unfulfilling life. In comes Kyle (Alex Shaffer) a high schooler who ends up in Giamatti’s care due to some dishonest lawyering Giamatti did to one of his older clients. Kyle’s a quiet kid with a troubled past who also happens to be

on DVD

Paul Giamatti

an amazing wrestler, so it’s a no brainer that Giamatti uses him to improve his wrestling team. But do Giamatti’s selfish actions eventually transform into feelings of true care? Yes, duh. I think at some point writer-director Thomas McCarthy must’ve had some unexpected person drop into his life and change it for the better. I say this because McCarthy seems to know a lot about the subject as he also directed 2008’s The Visitor, a film starring Richard Jenkins as a sad, unfulfilled man whose life turns around when two illegal immigrants are introduced in his life. Hmm, sounds pretty similar. Of course, the premises of The Visitor and Win Win aren’t exactly the same, and even if they are, it’s a good premise. But because they have similar ideas, both fall into similar traps: pretty much as soon as the unexpected person shows up (Kyle for this movie) you know where things are going. It’s a common trope; the new person will start off as a burden or nuisance, but eventually turn into a close friend. In The Visitor, the predictability was reduced because the plot was much

more serious and emotional, but in Win Win, events were all the more predicable because the tone was lighter and more quirky. But clichés can work when the other pieces of the film work as well, and things mostly do here. For seemingly just playing himself, Giamatti always gets good performances out of his go-to crabby guy. Somehow the balder and pudgier he gets, the sweeter a guy he can be. And him and Alex Shaffer work well together. I also liked seeing Amy Ryan as the wife of Giamatti. It’s nice to remember that she’s a good actress and not just a goofy character on The Office or a driven novice from The Wire. But probably the best thing Win Win has going for it is its ability to be honest yet still funny. There are a lot of times when I don’t feel like seeing a movie too depressing or dramatic; I don’t like to be reminded of how much life can suck. And even though Win Win reminded me of this a lot, it balanced itself out with a lot of moments that made me smile. Bless you, God of Giamatti Characters. Tonight, I will sacrifice a copy of Sideways on Blu-ray in your honor.

answers are a few from here

April 26th

Upstairs Downstairs Human Planet South Park: 14th Season Blow Out (The Criterion Collection)

May 3rd The Green Hornet The Dilemma Boy Meets World: Complete Fifth Season What Dreams May Come

Giamatti’s father was the seventh commissioner of which sports league?

While attending Yale, Giammatti was a part of which famous secret society, which includes famous alumni like George Bush?

Giamatti first received critical acclaim when he played Harvey Pekar in American Splendor. What kind of books did Pekar write?

Which 2004 romantic comedy did Giamatti star in, which also won an Academy Award for Best Adapted Screenplay?


13

www.theblacksheeponline.com

The Black Sheep Interviews: …And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead We were pleasant enough with the PR lady to finagle an interview with Autrey Fulbright from Austin rockers …And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead. They were in England, we were in the United States, but the connection was magic, like their new album Tao of the Dead. Cop that shit. Autry: I don’t think it’s something we’re conscious of, but The Black Sheep: Tao of the Dead, your latest album, came out in February. Based on your fans’ reception, it probably happens naturally. It all has to do with what we were doing or reading or listening to at the time, it’s nature are you pleased with the record? Autrey Fulbright: Yeah, definitely. This record was an and nurture. It’s not like we’re sitting around trying to make a record that we can say, “Yeah man, this is prog rock.” experiment, [frontman] Conrad Keeley, [drummer] Jason TBS: Do you guys pay attention to criticism? Reece and I have never worked together like this before. We like the same music and have the same influences, so Autrey: I think criticism needs to be taken with a grain of salt. It’s hard to ignore—especially a positive I’m happy it has been a success. At shows people seem really pleased with the newer review that reinforces a view you held—that Singer Conrad material. stuff. But at the same time if it’s negative There areattended more than criticism it doesn’t mean that what you TBS: How did the collaborative process Keely million porn sites work with so many people contributing to 26Evergreen made wasn’t worth making. Criticism is State, circumstantial and it’s smart not to let it alter the album? the same college your worldview. Autrey: We kind of come up with different as Simpsons ideas or sketches together. We had a plan to TBS: That leads to my next question, your album Source Tags & Codes, do a record in a short period of time, so we creator Matt received rave reviews, do you feel like really tried to let ideas and influences come at Groening? you have to keep living up to that album? us naturally. It’s a lot of pressure because you Autry: We always want to do better, but it’s don’t know where you’re going at first. It’s like a jigsaw puzzle, you don’t know where DID YOU KNOW more like, “We like this more” than what a critic likes. We believe that we can make a the pieces really go at first. record that’s a step forward from where we were. TBS: On something like this how much do you leave on TBS: Do you find touring gets easier over time, or is it the cutting room floor? the same grind? Autrey: All the ideas are kinda there, and that’s the record. Autry: Well, this is the first tour for this record. There’s Everything that’s on the record was supposed to be there, natural challenges all the time, where you’re tired or not and there wasn’t a whole lot of fat that needed to be feeling well, but it’s a privilege to play for these audiences. trimmed. Like, a long solo is there to be listened to; we’re I mean, of course we have fun on stage, but we take it not going to put it there just to take up space. seriously out of respect for the fans and the music. The TBS: How wary are you of changing your sound?

?

2

Mary Jane’s Last Dance Tom Petty

3

Just Dance Lady GaGa

4

Dance With the Devil Immortal Technique

5

Dance Anthem of the 80’s Regina Spektor

6

Dance Yrself Clean LCD Soundsystem

7

Dance, Dance Fall Out Boy

8

Time to Dance Panic! At the Disco

9

Deer Dance System of a Down

10 Where the White Boys Dance The Killers 11 Dance, Dance, Dance Lykki Li 12 Same Song and Dance Eminem 13 The Brilliant Dance Dashboard Confessional 14 The Safety Dance Men Without Hats 15 Dance Little Liar Arctic Monkeys 16 The Dance Garth Brooks 17 Dance Floor Anthem Good Charlotte 18

Dance Hall Modest Mouse

Fleet Foxes

Fleet Foxes need no help understanding the blues.

You ever hear of the sophomore slump? No, you say? Let’s do an analogy. Freshman year you are fresh out of high school with still a pretty bangin’ body (hey, high school partying doesn’t really count) and since you are barely legal, everyone wants you. But then you drink too much beer too often, order a whole lot of pizza after 2 a.m., and think smoking weed on the couch with the cool stoners and not going to the gym makes you awesome. And it does, until you’ve gained 20 pounds and people start calling you “muffin top.” That’s when your sophomore year rolls around and it’s do or die time; you either fall into the pit of chubby despair and accept the fact that you will be chubby from here on out, or you pick up the pieces, get your shit together, and become a smokin’ hot almost-21something by Halloween. Well…. Fleet Foxes always kept their figure, so a sophomore slump was never in the cards. How’s that for a twist ending? Fleet Foxes had some pretty big shoes to fill after their successful selftitled debut album from 2008. Their latest, Helplessness Blues, won’t be too shocking to a long time fan or, let’s be real, a new listener. Fleet Foxes are so happily folksy and interesting enough for anyone who appreciates music but also easy and catchy for, say, someone over 50 to enjoy and bob their head to. They apparently tried to make this album “less poppy, less upbeat” which seems to be the case, but not quite in as depressing of a way as it could’ve turned out. Whether or not they are pleased with this is one thing, but it’s better this way in my book. “Sim Sala Bim” is a personal favorite on the album; a bit on the slower

others

A-

and sadder side then some of the other tracks, their passionate lyrics make you realize that this album is about the blues; “What makes me love you despite the reservations?” But when you ask yourself that question (yet probably in a more black-out-drunk kind of way), is there any acceptable answer you can give yourself? Not really, which is why this song is so amazingly authentic and relatable. Their single “Helplessness Blues” is a near-perfect 5-minute tune that takes you through peaks and valleys of someone trying to figure out what they hell they want to do with themselves. Again with the brilliant lyrics, Robin Peckhold sings, “And I know, I know you keep me on the shelf / I’ll come back to you someday / Soon, myself.” before the song breaks down into the beautiful bridge of ambitious arrangements and pure acoustic gold. Man, I’m so glad Fleet Foxes don’t suck. Perfectly timed and seemingly so down-to-earth, Fleet Foxes is a band with a the potential for becoming a band with eternal staying power. To be able to stay cool, grounded and talented thus far is an amazing feat in itself, and I just hope that they come back just as strong for their next album. But maybe I’m getting ahead of myself… we all know how those chicks from A116 turned out. Sounds Like: Bunnies and deer wearing plaid in the woods. Download: Helplessness Blues, Sim Sala Bim Listen to it When: You’re bird-watching with your cool 85-year-old grandma.

Emmylou Harris – Hard Bargain Steve Earle – I’ll Never Get Out of This World Alive Tab Benoit – Medicine Explosions in the Sky – Take Care, Take Care

ˇ

Dust Bowl Dance Mumford & Sons

Out Now

Helplessness Blues

International Dance Day 1

energy on stage isn’t contrived, it’s really there. We’re smiling and sweating, and it’s very real. TBS: What’s some music that you like, that no one would guess you like? Autrey: I’m a music lover. I like Gza’s “Liquid Swords,” Dr. Octagon, Odd Future, a lot of hip-hop. A lot of people might assume a band making this loud music wouldn’t like that stuff, we do. TBS: What’s your go-to drink? Autrey: I’ll have whatever everyone else is having. It’s about camaraderie and joining in the fun. TBS: If you could have any mythical creature as a pet, what would it be? Autrey: The pentacorn. It’s a unicorn with a pentagram on its forehead instead of a horn.

ˇ

music

brendan wrote this

Augustana – Augustana Bootsy Collins – The Funk Capitol of the World Florence + The Machine – Lungs Bowling for Soup – Fishin’ for Woos


“I’m gonna drink a lot of beer and stay out all night!” –Homer Simpson

The amazingly great

That’s what college is all about, right? Sure, studying and getting good grades are important, but only because they’re the means towards you convincing your parents that they should pay for that oh-so-crucial seventh year of college. Therein lies the rub; if your parents are paying for everything, then what’s the point of having a job? And if you’re staying out all night, who has the time to make money, anyway? So if you’re gonna get drunk, then the booze better be cheap. If the booze is gonna be cheap, then it should suck as little as possible. That’s where we come in. Since The Black Sheep literally keeps tens of dollars in its budget for drinking experiments, the fine full-time staff decided to do all the legwork for you. On a cold, rainy Friday in Chicago we hunkered down in an apartment with a bunch of the scummiest beer we could find in an attempt to decipher which beer was least rancid. Thus, The Great Crappy Beer Taste Test was born. It’s important to note that there’s a method to our beer-tasting madness, we don’t just go about this stuff willy-nilly:

shitty beer taste test!

The Method: • Other than appearance, the whole taste test was conducted blindly; no participant knew which beer was which. • The goal of The Great Crappy Beer Taste Test is not to discover which beer tastes best; the purpose is to discover which beer tastes least worse. It’s a subtle difference, people. • We bought every crappy canned beer we could find at the grocery store, Walgreen’s and 7-Eleven by our office. Sadly, since our office is based in Chicago’s Wicker Park, none of the stores carried two staple crappy beers: Keystone Light and Natural Light. Not having those beers for the taste test is disappointing, but in all reality you, dear reader, are going to buy what you want, even if it comes in last. • We tried to use as many controls during the test as possible. All the beers were kept at the same temperature. Three participants drank approximately 4 ounces of each beer from similar glasses. Each participant drank the same beer at the same time. The person running the test would fill each glass at the beginning of each tasting and rinse it out at the end of each tasting.

During the tasting we asked that the participants rate the beers on a scale of 1-5 based on the following categories: • Street Credibility: If you rolled into a random house party with a case of this stuff, how embarrassed would you be to hand a can of it to an attractive member of the opposite sex? • When It Hits Your Lips: Initial flavor. When you take your first sip, does it make you wish you were licking a random hobo instead? • Bitter Beer Facability: Simply put, its aftertaste. Does it continue to go down smoothly? Or, conversely, if it tasted like a licked butt at first, does it suddenly taste like sweet ambrosia? • Please Make It Stop: A test of long-term drinkability. If you had two options-- drink this or drink nothing, how close would you be to choosing horrible, horrible sobriety? • The tally: The average of the four categories.

Name

Street Cred

Hits Your Lips

Bitterness

Make It Stop

The Tally

Comments

12. Icehouse

1.8

1.2

0.5

.75

1.1

Once a liquor store tried getting rid of Icehouse 22oz bottles by selling 24-packs for $8 each. I bought 5 24-packs, planning to sell bottles to my drunk friends for $1 each once the bars closed. The plan backfired and I had to drink all the Icehouse myself.

11. Foster's

2

1.2

1.6

1

1.5

Foster’s: Australian for Crap. The only real appeal Foster’s has is the novelty-sized can. It’s good for a cheap joke and you can claim you’re drinking an import. Even then, the huge can has a drawback: you have to drink the whole thing.

10. Corona Light

9

3

1.4

1.1

1.6

“But you didn’t drink it with lime!” says a horde of idiots. Yes, this is true, but beer is like steak, it should be savored without adding anything. If we wanted our drinks to be fruitier, we’d switch to frozen margaritas.

9. Gameday Light

4

2

1

0

1.81

Gameday is the 7-Eleven beer brand, which should say leagues about the flavor-- horrible to begin and even worse by the end. The can looks simple and cool, but that's where the compliments stop.

8. PBR

3.6

1.5

1

1.2

1.83

Hipsters of the world cry foul, but PBR really should stand for “Please, Butt Rape,” as that would be a pleasant alternative to actually having to drink this swill.

7. Milwaukee's Best

1

2.7

2.7

3

2.4

Milwaukee’s Best Ice has the highest ABV of any of the beers in this test, so it’ll certainly get you drunk on the cheap. While it doesn’t taste horrible, the can screams, “I’m gonna get bombed and throw up on your carpet; please kick me out of this party.”

6. Labatt Blue

3.4

2.8

1.8

2.1

2.5

Average in every category, Labatt Blue accurately reflects Canada in its crappy beer ways.

5. Miller Lite

3.3

3.2

3

3

3.1

The beer may not taste great, but if enough of them get shoved down your gullet, that four quickly turns into a seven or an eight… and you haven’t been laid in a while anyway.

4. Bud Light

3

3.3

3.5

3.2

3.2

Seeing Bud Light pull almost the exact same scores as its ‘tard sister, Busch Light, is equal parts enlightening and depressing.

3. Busch Light

2.3

3.9

3.5

3.3

3.3

The Honda Civic of the Anheuser-Busch family, you could shell out a few extra bucks for the BMW (Bud Light), but both products will do a fine job of helping you arrive at your final, alcohol-riddled destination.

2. Old Style

4.2

3.2

3.3

3.7

3.6

An old-school can to go with Old Style flavor, the surprise second-place beer should be honored and cherished like the national treasure it is. It’s cheap as dirt, and with a relatively high ABV to boot, Old Style is an acceptable alternative to the #1 spot…

4.1

Cheap, drinkable in mass quantities, and with a can that doesn’t look retarded, Coors Light is just about everything you can ask for in a crappy beer. Beer snobs may look down on those who choose to drink Coors Light, but to them we say, “Fuck you, does your can change colors?”

1. Coors Light

4.2

3.8

4.2

4.2

Our Thoughts: • Going into the experiment, we were hoping to see the big-name brews like Bud Light, Miller Lite and Coors Light spread out a little more, as it would prove that a couple extra bucks doesn’t necessarily guarantee a (comparatively) high-quality beverage. Well, it didn’t work out that way. If you’re going to pay $5.50 for a 12-pack of Icehouse, you will get a beer that’s properly valued at less than 50 cents a can. • Aside from a few outliers (Pleasantly: Old Style, unpleasantly: Gameday Light), the beers that ended up tasting most like ass had higher ABVs than the beers that did well in the challenge. To us, this states the obvious: beer companies hawking these products know that they can’t have it both ways; either their beer is going to be boozy and shitty, or light but less-than-horrible. Since the consumer isn’t willing to pony up the scratch for the best of both worlds, they’re not going to spend their time making a product that won’t sell. • Though it makes sense logically, it’s nice to see some empirical evidence back up the notion that if a beer starts off tasting bad, it won’t get better. Like, ever. We’re looking at you, Gameday Light. • It’s important to note appearance didn’t factor too heavily into the overall rankings. Busch Light received a relatively low Street Credibility score and placed in the top quarter, while Gameday Light was in the top quarter of Street Credibility scores and finished ninth overall.

With that, The Great Crappy Beer Taste Test draws to a close. Illusions were shattered, Livers were lost and the drunken orgy made everyone real awkward on Monday, but it was all in the name of science. If we’ve learned anything, it’s this: A world without beer is not a world we want to live in. Even if the beer totally sucks, like Icehouse.


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