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Volume 17, Issue 16 12/15/10-12/22/10 nailing your roommate with a snowball before they take off for break...

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Inside 05 distractions! 14 mad libs, quizzes, 22 23 mazes, and more! yeah, baby!

'Twas Three Days Before Christmas John Mc"Honey"Combs wrote this

10 the creeper up north



was three days before Christmas and all through the mall, parents were shopping, even at Whitehall. There was one man in the center of the mall who sat, with a whiskey-stained beard and a mangy old hat. It’s Santa! Cried little girls and little boys, they were all eager to tell him of their wishes for toys. However there was something amiss with this Claus you could say, he was not happy or joyful or jolly or gay. This man reeked of booze, barely sober was he, in this Santa suit instead was a man named Steve. Down on his luck and penniless Steve was, recently divorced and living with his cuz’. “Get a fucking job,” his cousin told him, for Steve you could say things were looking quite grim Christmas was coming; he didn’t know what to do. “I’ll be Santa!” Steve mumbled, his mouth full of chew. His years of obesity and bad hygiene came through. Steve could sit on his ass and make a dollar or two.

18 The Illini Athletics

Naughty List it's pretty long!

What Steve did not know, I’m afraid to share, was this job was so awful he was unable to bear. On his lap sat little Hitlers, their eyes full of glee, ready for just the right moment to piss on his knee. They would sneeze in his face without so much as a gesundheit, he’d throw them off his knee, wishing to fight. They would tug on his beard and ask where his reindeer were at; he’d reply “They were rabid, so I skinned them alive to make a new hat”

The parents were not pleased when they heard of this tale, they complained to the manager saying he should be locked up in jail “You’re the worst thing to happen to Santa since Darwin!” The manager would say, “But you’re lucky we need you, just three days till Christmas day.”

The mothers were worse, complete bitches were they; they would mace Steve if he so much as looked their way. A shame it was too, some of the mothers were hot, he dreamed of plowing them outside of Big Lots. The fathers would laugh at him, they would snicker and sneer, “That’s called a dropout,” they’d whisper in their son’s ears. His helper elves were assholes, not much help at all, just emo teenagers who wanted discounts at the mall. They would mock him at breaks saying “We live in a conformist zoo,” ironic it was, they’d ask themselves what would Green Day do? They’d text their elf friends every minute or so, until their mothers would call them, saying “I’m in the minivan, let’s go.” At the end of each day Steve did what anyone would do, his sorrows he drowned in Christmas spirits like Smirnoff and Malibu. He’d show up to work late and shitfaced as hell, he’d smile with sick satisfaction as parents tried to guess that smell. He’d piss himself as a child sat on his lap, then blame it on them, except his piss had the clap. He’d burp in kid’s faces and bend over to scratch his ass, “I shouldn’t have had that burrito,” he’d say, passing gas. He’d offer them booze from the flask under his coat, slurring the lyrics to “I’m on a Boat.”


In This Issue

07: New Years Eve

So, you’re getting drunk and maybe laid. How is this different from any other night?

22: Backpage - Fortune Cookies What does 2011 hold for you?

04: From the Streets

How do you plan on seducing your professor for finals?

21: Interview

We chat about wizards with Jeanine from the 1900s, naturally.

06: Gift Buying 20: Movie Review

It sucks to do it, but others suck more than you do...yeah, that's right...

The Tourist is as boring as that time you went on a family vacation to Omaha.

21: CD Review 18: The Twelve Days of Brosmas

The Glee Christmas album makes us want to break into song.

Hey brah, I totes got you this.

04: Scientacularoo

Finally, a festival for the rest of us… um…all.

09: The Worst Christmas Story Ever No, really...

a big list of awesome stuff Letters to Staff

Pic of the Week

Dear Black Sheep, I noticed that the campus squirrels are still out and about. Do they ever hibernate? If so, where do they go? Long time reader, first time caller, Kevin B. Dear Kevin, First, thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to visit and submit a question. All I know about the squirrels on campus I learned from fine piece of journalism in The Odyssey, titled “These Squirrelz are Crazy!” Other than that I lack the motivation to look on Wikipedia. Okay, I looked at Wikipedia – they don’t hibernate. Which is good, because I am putting a serious plan of action over break. Would you like to hear about it? Great. I have trouble making food for myself, so slowly I plan on getting the campus squirrels to worship me as their God. Soon enough, I will begin to withhold resources from them and demand sacrificial offerings like nuts or weavings. Eventually, however, I will spread rabies throughout the pack, and demand they start sacrificing their own kind to end the pandemic. In the end I won’t have to worry about meals, because the squirrels will be grilling their families for me! It’s flawless!


Deepest Vs on Ca


join the team!

Hope this answers your question, Mr. Manager

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QUESTION: There are ten presents lined up in front of you. One has ten million dollars, one has a bomb and eight have nothing. How many of them do you open?

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Here are a few words for you to learn, memorize, and use on a daily basis. Try it out and see what happens! white elephart: Definition: Farting on a stranger that totally didn’t have it coming. Sentence: “While I was helping this old lady cross the street I white elepharted all over her.” kwanzi scheme: Definition: Inventing a fake holiday to get time off of work or school. Sentence: “Gerald won’t be in tomorrow, he’s celebrating tankola, a ‘Canadian national holiday. It’s a total Kwanzi Scheme.” The Streets


How do you plan on seducing your professor for finals?

Jesus Would Approve science holiday QUINN wrote this A lot of us up-and-coming “free thinkers” are not going to church, “because we don’t believe it,” or we “disagree with the historical baggage” or we were “diddled by a priest,” or we “are too hungover to go to church.” And with not going to church comes declaring oneself an atheist, or at least a fence-sitting agnostic. This is great when it comes to not having to wake up on Sundays, or dismissing right-winger’s arguments because they are “blinded by fundamentalism” and “don’t know what the internet is.” But what about holidays? What are non-believers to do during our Capitalism-given right to go out and shower each other with love and iPods? Reader, I have composed a scientific guide for this holiday and beyond.

Pastor: “Of the increase of his government and peace there will be no end. He will reign on David's throne and over his kingdom, establishing and upholding it with justice and righteousness from that time on and forever.” Free Thinker: “Yeah, except, like, Christians basically killed everyone in history ever. This is stupid. Let’s go home and open presents, already.”

But until then, the Nativity scene will consist of forward thinkers from Jesus Nietzsche to Barack Obama, and baby Jesus will be… Oh, I don’t know, a monkey, or even better, an amoeba. Then you can sit your kids down and explain the magnificent story of evolution, going on to also explain why superheroes don’t exist and that after you die, they will be alone in the world. Then they can go spread the good word to all the other school children, and our crusade for non-believing will start to take flight. Everyone will sit around on their separate smartphones or iPads, and only converse via instant messaging. “This doesn’t seem like warm holiday cheer,” you might be wondering. First, by utilizing technology to talk we are limiting the amount of carbon emissions released by talking, a devastatingly overlooked fact about family gatherings (it will also teach our children the importance of being quiet and “green”). Secondly, ARE WE NOT TRYING TO BREAK AWAY FROM THE OPRESSIVE RELIGIOUS HOLIDAY AND ALL THE TYRANNICAL TRADITIONS INVLOVED? So shut up. Thirdly, since we are in the “information age” instead of arguing politics, everyone involved in a fight (presumably taking place in a chat room) will merely submit online articles that align with their beliefs.

Jesus will be… Oh, I don’t know, a monkey, or even better, an amoeba.

This is the person who grows up to never go to church, but still cowardly practices Christmas anyway. Although Christianity “set the groundwork for the oppressive capitalist society we live in,” they go out and feed the economy like any other good practitioner.

Other non-religious folk take to celebrating the Winter Solstice during the Christmas season. What are you, some sort of pagan? Secondly, how much of a yuppidy douche do you really want to be? “Hey Frank, no Christmas lights this year?” “No, we’re celebrating the Winter Solstice, abstaining from meat and smelling our own farts this week.”

So I have a done some thinking, and came up with a pretty good Science Holiday,Scientacularoo, to keep you non-practitioners in Holiday spirit. This way, you can indulge in all the glorious fortunes of friends and family, while still keeping strong those qualities that separate us humans from monkeys. Since we hate all those people who try and push their religion onto us, we shall not push our non-religion onto others, unless they are our children. Additionally, we will shy away from anything that is in the slightest way religious/mainstream, so if too many people start to follow Scientacularoo, we

Chris A, Senior

shall denounce it as the opiate of the masses, burn all Scientacularoo children’s books, stop taking Scientacularoo ceremonial group showers, and cease all “evolution-proving” experimental human breeding that may have started and may accuse us of being eugenicists.


Hanukkah is over, so let’s focus on Christmas, because that’s God’s favorite holiday anyway. As of right now I think there are many “atheists” out there who begrudgingly follow their families to church. They probably sit there, quoting the Discovery Channel, or muttering their disagreement to psalms under their breath:

"Graduating early..."

"I'm not changing a thing!"

Jon Z, Super Senior

Think of all the family fights that will be avoided! Even more, the soul crushing implications of incestuous sexual abuse will be hampered by the holiday’s strict shunning of physical contact. Sexual abuse will no longer be drunken advances, it will be humiliating dick-pics sent via text or email. Abuse will no longer entomb itself deep into the victim’s unconscious, but rather submitted to the public domain where anyone can see. Whose phone is stuck in their pocket now, Uncle Randy? Airplanes are one of the leading emitters of carbons too, so don’t even think about flying to a relatives or a warmer location for break. No, religion created the myth of familial love just so it could take advantage of it for monetary gain. If you can’t walk to your relatives’ house, then you better download Skype for Scientacularoo. Instead of glorifying electric waste with Christmas light displays, the darkest house on the block will be the most festive. Everyone will lie in separate rooms, under organic blankets, faces illuminated only by the screens of the laptops they love. On Scientacularoo, everyone’s hearts will be as warm as necessary to remain alive, and their (non) souls will go unmentioned. Happy Science!

"I'm not changing a thing!"

Katy R, Senior and Theresa S, Senior

the sex Quiz Have you been naughty or nice this year? 1. Your can’t wait for December because… a. You can’t wait to re-sell all the stuff you bought on Black Friday for a profit, and you’re excited for Hanukkah. b. You and your Satanist friends can’t wait to have a blood orgy to celebrate Winter Solstice. c. You’re broke, and you really need your mom to buy you a new pair of underwear for Christmas. 2. Your favorite caroling song is… a. “Dick and balls for round-assed Molly” b. Singing is against my religion. c. “Silent Night”

3. You expect to spend the holidays… a. In bed ALL day long with a nice, big package. b. Reading Christmas stories by the fire.

c. In Church, at the Synagogue, at the Mosque or wherever it is that your religious denomination meets. 4. Your significant other for the holidays is… a. The same boyfriend as last year with whom you are still in a committed relationship with and who can offer you no new excitement in any way. b. The Santa Claus whose lap you sat on earlier that day. c. Stag – you’d never want to miss your quality time with Aunt Marge. 5. If you were a wiseman, your gift would be… a. Gold, frankincense or myrrh. b. A stack of sticky, used porn mags. c. A three wisemen shot.

6. For you, the best way to take down a candy cane is to… a. Lick it seductively while eyeing your roommate’s significant other. b. Give it to a homeless kid you see on

the street. c. Use it as a stirrer for your Bailey’s and coffee. 7. For you, a stocking stuffer is… a. The Panera gift card you swiped from your brother’s stocking. He doesn’t even have Panera where he lives! b. A small trinket you give to your 8-year-old cousin. c. A nickname for your penis.

results 8-12: You’re Practically a Saint… Which begs the question, “Why are you reading this paper?” If you’re looking to set up a protest or something, then, umm…we hope you’re the “God Hates Fags” people, because then everyone will be on our side. Otherwise, enjoy sobriety, you’re not better than me!

13-18: You’re a Regular Dude… Whether you’re being greedy, drunk or just bored, it’s okay to have ulterior motives this holiday season, hell, the corporate gods at 8. When you scream “praise Jesus!” Wal-Mart practically demand it. Just pretend you do it… you’re having a good time, then when you a. As you hand in your last final and get back to college you can complain to crack open the pint of whiskey you your friends about how much it sucked.

brought with you. b. Just before you collapse into your lover’s arms, quivering in ecstasy. c. Writhing around on the ground during a Southern Baptist revival.


1. A-2, B-3, C-1, 2. A-3, B-1, C-2, 3. A-4, B-1, C-2, 4. A-2, B-3, C-1, 5. A-1, B-3, C-2, 6. A-3, B-1, C-2, 7. A-2, B-1, C-3, 8. A-2, B-3, C-1,

19-24: HAIL SATAN! THE DARK LORD BEELZEBUB DEMANDS YOUR WORSHIP, FORSAKE HIM AND ROT IN THE PITS OF HELL WITH THE OTHERS WHO ARE UNWORTHY TO SERVE HIM! Oh…um…sorry. You’re a pretty messed up dude, dude, You should probably join our cult get some help.


Buying Gifts... and Why You Still Suck At It Mandy Newman wrote this It’s that time of year again. The season of giving and receiving. We all know that receiving feels good, and people say that giving feels better, but I have to disagree. It’s hard work, and often times, the receiver only pretends to like what you’re giving them. By the way...I’m talking about Christmas gifts, people. But yes, that concept applies to various other aspects of life as well.

Anywho, there are only a few weeks left until the big day, and you’ve been thinking about what you should buy for your friends, family, and lover(s). Each person in your life is unique, and you want to get them something special, right? Well, guess what? I can almost guarantee that the current state of your present from last season is one of three things: Buried in the back of a closet, reluctantly hung up somewhere in the house where no one can see it, or in a landfill. First things first, if you hand-made a gift for someone, then you should punch yourself right now. I don’t know who’s been going around telling people that making something is endearing and the most appreciated, but they’re lying and ruining everything. I’m sorry, but nobody wants an old shoebox covered with inspirational quotes and pictures, and filled with random, useless memorabilia. If I get a shoebox for Christmas, there best be a brand, spankin’ new pair of shoes in there, or a big ole dick. Just joking. But seriously.

S D N s E G LE sent Pre

Or let me’re the person that bought someone a Chia Pet or a Snuggie because you thought it would be “funny.” Honestly, those types of gag gifts were never funny. I hope you guys realize that the people that invented and manufactured products like that were dead serious, and are probably crying over the mockery that has been made of their creations. Now everyone’s going around buying Barack Obama Chia Pets for their dads and U of I-themed Snuggies for their moms, for the sole purpose of attempting to look like “that hilarious guy that gets people funny presents on Christmas!” Can’t wait until I get fake lottery tickets from him next year! Another rookie mistake: Christmas-themed clothing. Every year you decide to buy that adorable red and green sweater, or those cute flannel pajammie pants with Christmas trees all over them. Oh, and don’t forget about those warm reindeer slippers that are to DIE for! What are you, a grandma? Buying holiday apparel is the lame, easy way out. And like I said, that’s what people’s grandmas are for. Do you know how many pairs of socks I have with Christmas lights on them? Too many. And you know how many times I’ve worn them? Probably like once, when I didn’t do laundry. I’m sure there are lots of other people that are in the same boat as I am. Now I know this is not was Christmas is all about, but if you’re

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gonna get something stupid for someone, then don’t even bother getting them anything at all. Just stick with a simple “Merry Christmas” and a pat on the butt. BUT, if you’re up to the challenge and wanna pull out the big guns, then I suggest gifts such as cars, yachts, timeshares, or stocks in Walt Disney. Hey, you know what they say about Christmas...go big or go home.



e date at Eighty Eig h t k ht! Boo

New Year’s Eve: Eh Xin He wrote this Ah, New Year’s Eve. Arguably the most sensationalized day of the year. It's out with the old, in with the new. You got your New Year’s-themed sitcom episodes, New Year’s resolutions, and that big ball thing. New York City is only one part of the country, but that seems to be the place where New Year’s Eve happens. The reporters are there, rambling about bullshit, maybe a few B-list celebrities looking to have a fun time before retiring to their coke-parties and cool people things. Come on, let's face it. New Year’s gives journalists and media outlets the biggest hardons ever, because they get to report completely uncreative things like, "A Look Back on 2010", or "Celebrities That Will be Missed", or "Let's just go to Times Square and make some people feel special for being on TV." New Year’s Eve can be fun if you're spending time with people you care about, but chances are you probably just did that a week ago. New Year’s parties? It was pretty fun back in 4th grade when staying up past midnight was a big deal because kids have no reason to be up that late except to feel cool. No matter where the party's at, a dive bar, a friend's apartment, someone's house, or even in Times Square, the party will have two possible outcomes: 1. Get sufficiently wasted enough to have a great night. 2. Don't get wasted enough and feel like an idiot surrounded by a bunch of idiots. If you aren't drunk by 11:30, prepare for dissapointment. Everyone's having fun socializing and drinking champagne until ten minutes before midnight. Then all of the sudden, everyone's staring at a god damn TV, watching any choice of tweleve generic channels with worthless reporters. Whatever channel you're on, there's probably some hipster like Ryan Seacrest yelling about how awesome it is in Times Square, or Carson Daly wishing he was more relevant than iCarly since 2008. The ball drops, everyone goes wooooooh, and then starts Auld Lang Syne, that awful piece of shit song.

What else is there to do? Grab someone, make out for a while, and continue partying? There's nothing wrong with that, in fact it's something fun to do at any event. A New Year's party prematurely ejaculates the fun right at midnight, and now you're left feeling like an asshole. Screw the forced countdown chant (or at least start from ten, who the hell picked twenty?) and the awful TV coverage. It seems ridiculous to be watching some nobody narrate a party going on somewhere else at what's supposed to be the climax of the entire year, during the climax of the party. The dissapointment isn't over yet, though. Everybody has New Year's resolutions, even if you think they are silly, you've gotta contrive something for the inevitable "What's YOUR New Year’s resolution?" conversation. They're always something totally general and misdirected like, "Be a nicer person", "Quit bein' fat", and "Stop being such a skank in front of my roommates." They're half-hearted, unplanned, and usually just wishful thinking, which is why they never work. Like you could ever just say, "I'm going to stop being fat, right now," and just stop being fat because you decided to. For how many years have you been fat, now? And did each one of those years start with a Happy New Year? Resolving to make oneself a better person is one of the most awesome things you can do for the world. Just don't make a half-assed promise to yourself and think it's going to work, because January 1st brings about as much change as Barack I'm not even fully black Obama's presidency. This year, do something fun. Make egg-nog and hot cocoa with friends and watch Modern Family. Cook a meal for your family. Or get wasted off cheap champagne. You really wanna lose weight? Write down some goals and a step by step plan, then call that your resolution. It's still going to be the start of a New Year, but it's up to you to give it some meaning. Or just kick off 2011 the same way you always do, and continue your bleak, miserable span of existence on this earth.


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The Worst Christmas Story Probably Ever Jolly Old St. Carles wrote this Email her at Outside Phi Rho Alpha Tau sat the most impressive Christmas display of all. There were several reindeer, a plastic Frosty the Snowman, a giant Santa Claus, a nativity scene, a blow-up Homer Santa, and nutcrackers galore. But what the fraternity brothers did not know about their “epic display” was that the spirit of Christmas brought it to life every single night!

Nutcrackers: Crack crack crackles crackers crack! Frosty: It is true! People just walk by us without even saying how cute we look, or they arrange the reindeer in sexual positions while we’re sleeping. Christmas just isn’t the same anymore. Reindeer 4: Why don’t you try talking to Jesus? Frosty: Why don’t you shut the crap up. Probably because Jesus is a freaking baby. What am I, retarded? Nutcrackers: Nuts nutters nutty nuttie nutnuts. Frosty: Quit trying to cheer me up. I might as well just hang myself with the poorly strewn Christmas lights around that tree over there.


Santa: YAWN, it’s night already? Let’s get this Christmas party started! Reindeer 1: Hooray! Reindeer 5: Hark! A Christmas miracle! There’s a frat boy who’s passed out over here with a full handle of Smirnoff still in hand! And it’s cinnamon flavored!! Blow-Up Homer: Mmmm… Cinnamon. Frosty: Oh, what’s the point? Santa: Dude, did someone shove your carrot in the wrong place? Reindeer Fiver said there’s a full handle of Smirnoff for us! What’s your deal? Frosty: Lay off, Santa, I’m going through something here. Santa: Whatever pussy, let me know when you find your snow balls – I’ll be hanging out with Mary. Reindeer 2: What’s turned you into a Frowny Frosty? Frosty: I just don’t see the point in Christmas anymore. We spend an entire year up in a dingy attic only to come out for one month a year, and all for what? Nobody even cares we’re here.

“So, Frosty didn’t kill himself.”

But just at that moment, as suicidal Frosty was scuttling across the lawn, he looked across the street at a tiniest house in the neighborhood. This house couldn’t afford to keep their heat going all winter, let alone to display fun Christmas ornaments in their lawn, but what Frosty saw through their window melted his Frosty heart. The tenants were inside drinking cheap vodka and playing Christmas games. They didn’t care who saw them as long as they were plastered. Frosty smiled, no longer suicidal, and scuttled over to Santa Claus.

Frosty: I’m sorry, Santa. I got caught up in all the unimportant parts of Christmas, and forgot what any holiday is really about. Santa: And what’s that Frosty? Frosty: Holidays are spread throughout the year to give everyone an excuse to get plastered, no matter what your beliefs, worldviews, politics, race, or who’s watching. Holidays bring people together around spiked punchbowls, or special eggnog, or grandma’s Irish coffee. The alcohol warms everyone’s hearts, and everyone forgets why they hate their family. I’m sorry I got hung up in all that superficial crap. Let’s get shitfaced. And just like that all the lawn ornaments drank until they couldn’t tell the difference between a Santa’s little helper and an abominable snowman. And thus the little ornaments remembered the true meaning of Christmas: drinking so much you can tolerate your relatives. The End.



Well, OBVIOUSLY, we have a CHILD MOLESTER in the North Pole! Michael Benson wrote this He sees you when you’re sleeping and knows when you’re awake. He observes you at every moment of the day from the second you wake, everything you eat, while your bathing, when you go to sleep, and then all night while you're sleeping. He’s pale and will lure children using promises of toys and candy. He has a long, milksoaked beard, encrusted with cookie crumbs and (probably) cocaine. These sound like the classic descriptions of a child predator, don’t they? I am, of course, describing Santa Claus, the jolly bastard himself. When I look back on my childhood and at all of those stories about a fat, sweaty man watching me and breaking into my home, I can’t believe I didn’t shit my pants in fright. Thank god I didn’t, he could be into that kind of thing.

Santa: You see, the thing is... Santa then bolts out of the door to be tazed by police. Imagine, though, what that court case would be like. They would have Santa on breaking and entering, animal cruelty, slave labor, and a slew of attempted sex crimes. What with the maps to children’s houses and information on what toys those children want, Santa’s looking at 25 to life. And let me tell you, child predators do not have a good time in prison. All I gotta say is that Santa better start pushing drugs or stabbing people or his ass is going to be turned into a pile of jolly pudding.

could. With overalls, a plastic fireman’s hat and a lollypop, I was ready to do some investigative journalism.

Santa: Ho ho ho Merry Chri... Wait, sir what are you doing?

Me: What do you mean? I‘m just a helpless child who wants to sit on your lap!

Santa: Umm, whatever dude, that’s fucked up though. So, ugh, what do you want for Christmas?


There is nothing about Santa Claus that doesn’t scream “child predator.” I can imagine watching To Catch A Predator and seeing something like this: Santa creeps into house through the chimney with a bag full of toys.

Chris Hanson: This is Chris Hanson from NBC, so what are you doing here? Santa: Oh, um, isn’t this little Timmy’s house? I was just...

Chris Hanson: Just what? How about you take a seat right over there. What’s with all the toys? Santa: Oh, these? Well, um, that’s why I’m here, to give away some toys, ho-ho-ho.

Chris Hanson: If that’s what you say. But then what about these chatroom messages from the other day? “From Bonerclaus69: Oh my, you have been very naughty! I am going to deliver you the BIGGEST piece of coal, if you know what I mean ; )” You then go on to describe in detail the ways that you are going to break into the child’s house and commit graphic and disgusting sexual acts with the children.

"I can’t believe I didn’t shit my pants in fright. Thank god I didn’t, he could be into that kind of thing." If I went around calling women hoes, offering strange gifts to children, employing an army of slave labor, forcing helpless animals to attempt flight and genetically mutating reindeer to have glowing red noses, I would be torn apart in the streets. How is Santa able to get away with all of it, and still be beloved by the whole world? To find out the answer, I went straight to the source. I went to Macy’s to interview the fat man himself. After waiting in line for over an hour and riding the train several dozen times I was face to face with a real life child predator. I was determined to expose him to the world, and to do so I dressed up as a child the best way I

Me: I want you to confess! (With these words I

ripped of my plastic fireman’s cap and revealed my true identity, the look of shock on his face when he realized I wasn't a child was priceless!) I know you molest children! I know all of the horrible things you have done! I know about the break-ins, the slaves, the spying on children! I know it all! Santa: That...that was a long time ago. Every night I lie awake and cry about the horrible things I have done. I look in the mirror and hardly recognize the person starring back at me, all I see is a monster. I go to church every day in the hopes that maybe God will forgive the things I have done, even if I can’t forgive myself. I have sold everything I have in disgust, trying to forget about my past, a past filled with blood and shame. I sometimes hold a gun to my head and pray that maybe I can be a strong enough man to pull the trigger. I have done horrible things, and it haunts me, but I am a changed man. I know I shouldn’t be around children anymore, but I figure that if I can inspire joy and good cheer in the hearts of the young, then maybe I can balance out all of the horrible things I have done. It’s the only thing that makes me feel human. So whether you want to kill me or throw me in prison, it doesn’t matter, I’m already dead inside.

Me: Well, as long as you’re sorry. So can I still get that PS3 I wanted?

Dear Murphy's, I'd like to thank you for a wonderful semester of nights I don't remember much of. Love you guys. ~Texas Dude who was farting rotten egg farts during Econ 102 please start eating better. And stop wearing that red hat. Steph K - It's been an amazing semester of cheating on your sigs with each other, let's keep it going next year. -Brian To the guy I saw wearing Uggs outside of Espresso on Daniels...I'm sorry I yelled from the car and made fun of you, and I'm sorry you got startled and dropped your coffee on your precious Uggs, but come on, you aren't a man...-Red Sante Fe Thanks LL for last night, doggie style was a great study break. When are we doing that again? Shoutout to Jay Ray for losing his V Card in 2010! We're so proud! Last week's bartender of the week from Geo's - I kinda look like Aladdin, can I take that ride you mentioned? See you there Thursday! Zotz - don't leave me! Blonde "Grind Girl" at Kam's... next time you want a boost, ask me for a nice grind.

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Bar Specials, Party Pics, Shoutouts, Articles, and MORE! Search: Black Sheep Mobile on iPhone and Android The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3 New Years Eve Friday, Dec. 31st Champagne toast at Midnight FREE hats, party favors, leis & MORE! Dec. Beer of the Month: Leinie’s Fireside Nut Brown

NEW YEAR'S EVE: THE PIANO MAN $5 Cover! $3 Long Islands! $1 Slices from Manolos!

Every Friday Live Music: Andy Moreillon Acoustic Covers 5-7pm All You Can Eat Walleye Only $7.50! $1 Keystone Light Drafts $2 Bud & Bud Lt. Cans

Firehaus NYE 2011 $1 U CALL IT'S $2 EVERYTHING ELSE! Free Appetizers at 9pm Live DJ- Countdown to Midnight! Early Bird Tickets on sale now Only $30 - While Supplies Last!

THURSDAY: Karaoke Night! $2 Drafts $3 Jose

WED 12/15

BOYS’ NIGHT OUT $4 Martinis (4 Flavors!) 1.50 Miller High Life $9 Carafe of Long Islands DJ RANDALL ELLISON 9pm

10 Cent WINGS 9pm -? $1 Miller High Life & High Life Light Bottles Mug it up! Bring in any mug (up to 22oz) & we’ll fill it! $1.75 Domestic/$2.75 Micro $1 Jäger Bombs $2 Long islands (5 flavors)

DISCOTECH: An Indie Dance Night No Cover! (Late!)

$1 Keystone Light Drafts $2 Bud Light & Miller Lite Drafts

Bulls vs Toronto 6pm Hawks vs Avs 7pm $1 Specialty Shots $2 Smirnoff, $2 Jim Beam Bud Mug Night! $2 Bud Refills, $3 312

$1 Domestic Bottles $2 Screwdrivers

THURS 12/16

THuRSTY THuRSDAY Rotating DJ Schedule $4 Select Sobieski Vodka Martinis! $3.50 Bells Oberon Pints $3 Red Stripe/Red Stripe Light

$1 Wells $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 Jack/SoCo/Tuaca $3 Jumbo Long Islands $3.75 Miller/Coors Pitchers


$1 Keystone Light Drafts $2 Bud Light & Miller Lite Drafts Best BBQ in Town!

$2 Bud Bottles $2 SoCo Lime Shots $3 Captain Morgan $3 SoCo Drinks

Karaoke Night! $2 Drafts $3 Jose

FRI 12/17

DJ Ian Procell & DJ REFLEX 10PM (house)

$5 App & fries with Domestic draft beer 5-9pm $1 Jäger Bombs/Bazooka Joes $2.50 Miller/Coors Btls $3 Three Olives Mixers $3 Hot Shots $5.00 ALL Domestic Pitchers


All You Can Eat Walleye $7.50 $1 Keystone Light Drafts $2 Bud & Bud Light Cans Live Acoustic Covers by Andy Moreillon 5-7pm

Red Wings vs Blackhawks 7pm $5 Bud Light 40's $3.99 Haus Fries $3 Jager Bombs

$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Top Shelf

SAT 12/18


Closed Please visit For ALL holiday break hours


$1 Keystone Light Drafts EVERYDAY! $2 Bud Light & Miller Lite Drafts Watch the Illini game here!

$3 Bacardi Drinks $3 Vegas Bombs $2 Bud Light Bottles

$3 Captain Drinks $3 Jose Drinks


Closed Please visit For ALL holiday break hours

NEW YEAR'S EVE: THE PIANO MAN $5 Cover! $3 Long Islands! $1 Slices from Manolos!

Sunday Funday! $2 Domestic Bottles & Drafts $3 Bloody Marys & Mimosas NFL Sunday Ticket from Directv!

GB vs New England 7pm $2 ANYTHING in the House! Grey Goose- Patron - Jack - Bacardi - Bud - Goose Island all $2!

$2 Bottles $2 Domestic Drafts $2 Wells


Closed Please visit For ALL holiday break hours

NEW YEAR'S EVE: THE PIANO MAN $5 Cover! $3 Long Islands! $1 Slices from Manolos!

Monday Night Football on all 15 flat screens! $1 Keystone Light Drafts $2 Bud Light & Miller Lite Drafts

MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL Bears vs Vikings 7pm Win a Bears Jersey! Bears Win Could Clinch the NFC North! $2 Bud Light Drafts $2 Wells

$2 Double Whiskey Drinks $10 Domestic Buckets

TUES 12/21

T-N-T! Tuesday Night Trivia 7PM Liquid Courage Karaoke 9:30 $4 SVEDKA MARTINIS! $1.50 MILLER HL BTLS

Closed Please visit For ALL holiday break hours

NEW YEAR'S EVE: THE PIANO MAN $5 Cover! $3 Long Islands! $1 Slices from Manolos!

$1 Keystone Light Drafts $2 Bud Light & Miller Lite Drafts $2 Margaritas

Saturday, Jan 1st New Years Day - Open All Day Firehaus - Red Lion - Cly New Years Eve Customers get 15% off food with wristband! $2 Bud Light Bottles Rose Bowl - Wisc vs TCU 4PM

Logo Glass Night $3 Glass $2 Refills

WED 12/22

BOYS’ NIGHT OUT $4 Martinis (4 Flavors!) 1.50 Miller High Life $9 Carafe of Long Islands DJ RANDALL ELLISON 9pm

10 Cent WINGS 9pm -? $1 Miller High Life & High Life Light Bottles Mug it up! Bring in any mug (up to 22oz) & we’ll fill it! $1.75 Domestic/$2.75 Micro $1 Jäger Bombs $2 Long islands (5 flavors)

NEW YEAR'S EVE: THE PIANO MAN $5 Cover! $3 Long Islands! $1 Slices from Manolos!

$1 Keystone Light Drafts $2 Bud Light & Miller Lite Drafts Book your next event at Fat City! Email

Sunday, Jan 2nd Sports Doubleheader! BIG TEN HOME OPENER Wisconsin vs Illini 5pm BEARS vs PACKERS!! $2 ANYTHING IN The HOUSE!! $3.99 for 10 Firehaus Wings!

$1 Domestic Bottles $2 Screwdrivers


SUN 12/19

MON 12/20



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Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street DOWNTOWN


EVERYDAY: $4 Pitchers, $1 Drafts $1 Cherry Bombs $3 Jager Bombs $1 Kamikaze $2.50 Shot Board Shots

Happy Hour $1 Off All Apps and 1/2 Off All THURSDAY: Hookah’s (at GSC2) Special Night $3 Sangria From 6-8 Every Day. Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers and ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from 6-8 every day.Vodka $3 Sweet Tea Free Pool During Free pool during happy hour!!! Happy Hour!!!

WED 12/15

Karaoke Bomb Night! $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager Bombs $4 Car Bombs LATE NIGHT FOOD SPECIALS!

OPEN MIC Night Wednesday $2.50 Corona OPEN MIC Night $2.50 Jager Bombs $2.50 Corona $3 Strong Islands $2.50 Jager Bombs $4 ICB’s

THURS 12/16

Burger Night (8pm-midnight) $1.00 Burgers $2.50 Sex on the Beach $3 Double Rum Wells LATE NIGHT FOOD SPECIALS!

$4 ICB’s Thirsty Thursday $3.50 Pitchers of Miller Lite and Bud Light $2 All Domestic and Import Bottles $3 Dr’s, $4 Strong Islands

FRI 12/17

$4 Double Red Bull Vodkas $2.50 Amaretto Stone Sours $3 Strong Islands LATE NIGHT FOOD SPECIALS!

$2.50 Captain and Coke $2.50 Dr’s $3 Vodka/ RB $4 Signature Drinks

SAT 12/18

$3 Jager Bombs $3 Double Vodka Wells $2.50 Tequila Sunrise LATE NIGHT FOOD SPECIALS!

$2 Budweiser Bottles $3 Captain & Cokes $4 Signature Drinks


Free Pool All Night Dart Tournament at 8!!! $1 Miller Lite & Bud Light Draft’s $2 Well Drinks $3 Call Drinks $4 Strong Islands

MON 12/20

$3 Pitchers 50¢ Pizza Slices

$1 Pint Refills of Miller Lite and Bud Light $2 All Miller Bottles $3 Rumpleminze $4 Double Vodka/RB $1 Off All Burgers

TUES 12/21

Wing Night! (8pm-midnight) $.50 Jumbo Chicken Wings $1.00 Chicken Strips 3 for $1 Jumbo Popcorn Chicken $2 Coronas

Outlaw Karaoke $2 Bud and Miller Bottles $3 Cherry Bombs $4 Strong Islands $3.50 Motza Sticks

WED 12/22

Karaoke Bomb Night! $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager Bombs $4 Car Bombs LATE NIGHT FOOD SPECIALS!

OPEN MIC Night $2.50 Corona $2.50 Jager Bombs $3 Strong Islands $4 ICB’s

SATURDAY: Mac Miller & the incredibly dope tour!

NYE TIX Now Available at Only 50 Tickets Left at the Discounted $25 Price! Get it now!

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool and Miller Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza (After 6pm)

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi + Red Bulls


Heated Tent AND Stripper Poles? Yeah, that's right! NYE TIX Now Available at

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

$3 Sangria $3 Sweet Tea Vodka

DJ A-RON on the Decks $1 Well/Liquor Drinks $1 Domestic Beers

Come here and you'll have a 95% chance of making out at midnight! NYE TIX Now Available at

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

Enjoy Our Beer Garden

DJ DELAYNEY House, Hip-Hop, R&B, Reggae, and Old School Dance

NYE TIX Now Available at Only 50 Tickets Left at the Discounted $25 Price! Get it now!

$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

Enjoy Our Beer Garden

DJ LUNIKS $3 Corona $3 Corona Light $3 Red Bull & Vodka $3 Cherry Bombs

Did you know Santa prefers Joe's for NYE? NYE TIX Now Available at

$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

$2.50 Import Bottles


All You Can Handle Fist Pumps, Guaranteed. NYE TIX Now Available at

$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells

$2 Miller Lite and Coors Light Drafts

80's NIGHT! $1.50 Domestic Bottles $1.50 Wells NO COVER

Great drink deals all night long, including $1 U Call Its! NYE TIX Now Available at

$1.50 High Life Drafts!

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells


Don't wait - price will go up and you'll be mad and sad at the same time! NYE TIX Now Available at

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool and Miller Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 6pm)

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi + Red Bulls


NYE TIX Now Available at Only 50 Tickets Left at the Discounted $25 Price! Get it now!

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

35 E. Green Street

SUN 12/19

$3 Strong Islands

Holiday Deals ALL Break Long! Why pay full price...when you can save! Act quickly, limited supplies!


The Bar Grid Page 3 of 3

Get your NYE Tickets Today! Sold Out Early Last 4 Years! VIP Package from 7:30PM - 2AM! $30 Tickets gets you $1 U Call Its and $2 Top Shelf, Food, Champagne Toast & More!

Every Wednesday: School of Beer! Enroll Today

MON: Global Draft Night! $6 Pitchers (Bud, Miller & Coors Lt.) $2 Bacardi Single Mixers & Burst Shots (all flavors) $4 Jim Beam & Pinnacle Doubles

THURSDAY: Jason D from Altered Egos Tattoo Presents... $4 Red Bull and Vodka and $3 Jamesons


Clybourne NYE 2011 $1 U CALL IT'S $2 EVERYTHING ELSE! Free Appetizers at 9pm Live DJ- Countdown to Midnight! Early Bird Tickets on sale now Only $30 - While Supplies Last! www.The


BUD NIGHT $1.75 Bud U Call It Bottles and Drafts $5 Pitchers $2.50 Ursus Vodka

Every Wednesday: School of Beer! Enroll Today

Logo Glass Day! $5.50 Pitchers PBR & High Life $2 Jim Beam, Pinnacle Vodka Single Mixers, and Burst Shots (all flavors) $4 Bacardi Doubles (all flavors)

Old School Night w/ DJ Delayney $5 Forties $3 Jager Bombs

I Love the 90s with DJ Mingram $2 Import Bottles $3 Jager Bombs

Clybourne's 12 Days! Day 9 - 9 $2 Drink Special $2 Bud Bottles - Bacardi UV - Turkey - Skyy - Cuervo Jager Bombs - Captain & Jim Beam All $2!!

WED 12/15

Klub Kams DJ Milk n Cookies! $2 16oz Lite Bottles $2.50 UV & Bam $2.50 Jager Bombs $2 Wine

Logo Glass Night $2 Refills

$2 Specialty Pints $6.50 Pitchers Killians/Honey Brown $2 Speciality Bottles, Capt. Morgan Singles, Dr. Shots (all flavors) $4 Sweet Tea & Smirnoff Vodka Doubles (all flavors)

Jason D from Altered Egos Tattoo Presents... $4 Red Bull and Vodka and $3 Jamesons


12 Days of Christmas Day 10 - $2 Goose Island 312 Bottles plus 9 more $2 Specials!

THURS 12/16

$3 Smirnoff $2.50 Captain $2.75 24oz Lite Bottles $2 Grind Coffee Liquor Drinks + Grind Girls!

$2 Miller Lite Bottles $4 Neon 99s $2 Pickleback Shots No Cover

$2 Pints Killians/Honey Brown $7 Pitchers Bud, Miller & Coors Lt $4.50 Jim Beam & Bacardi Doubles (all flavors) $2.50 Burst Shots (all flavors)

DJ Mell-a-D $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots

Party at the Best Looking Bar in Town!

12 Days of Christmas Day 11- $2 PATRON!!! plus $2 Bud - Bacardi- UV Turkey - Skyy - Cuervo Jager Bombs - Captain Jim Beam - Goose 312 ALL $2!!

FRI 12/17

IL vs. UIC $2 U CALL IT Open at Noon!

$2 Coors Light Bottles $4 Neon 99s $2 Pickleback Shots No Cover

$2 Pints Bud, Miller & Coors Lt $7 Pitchers Killians/Honey Brown $2.50 Dr. Shots (all flavors) $4.50 Skyy Vodka & Absolut Flavor Doubles

DJ Belly and Friends

Dance, Baby Dance Chicago-style DJs and More

GRAD BASH & 12 Days Finale! $2 Grey Goose Vodka plus $2 Patron - Goose 312 Jim Beam - Captain - Cuervo Jager Bombs - Skyy - Wild Turkey - UV Vodka - Bacardi - Bud Bottles All 12 Specials - Only $2!

SAT 12/18

$2 U CALL IT! Open at 8PM

$2 Bud Light Bottles $3 Any Draft

$2 Specialty Pints & Bottles, Well mixers, and Burst Shots (all flavors) $6 Pitchers Budweiser, Bud, Miller and Coors Lt

Party Booking and Info at


Monday-Wednesday Dec 20th - 22nd Open - Live DJ's $2 U CALL IT EVERY DAY!

SUN 12/19

Get your NYE Tickets Today! Sold Out Early Last 4 Years! VIP Package from 7:30PM - 2AM! $30 Tickets gets you $1 U Call Its and $2 Top Shelf, Food, Champagne Toast & More!

$2 All Bottles No Cover!

Global Draft Night! $6 Pitchers (Bud, Miller & Coors Lt.) $2 Bacardi Single Mixers & Burst Shots (all flavors) $4 Jim Beam & Pinnacle Doubles

Party Booking and Info at


NEW YEARS EVE 2011 $1 U CALL IT'S $2 EVERYTHING ELSE! Free Appetizers at 9pm Live DJ- Countdown to Midnight! Early Bird Tickets on sale now Only $30 - While Supplies Last! www.The

MON 12/20

Get your NYE Tickets Today! Sold Out Early Last 4 Years! VIP Package from 7:30PM - 2AM! $30 Tickets gets you $1 U Call Its and $2 Top Shelf, Food, Champagne Toast & More!

Ride the Rail! $2 Draft Pints No Cover!

$1.25 PBR & High Life Pints $6 Pitchers Killians & Honey Brown $2 Sweet Tea & Smirnoff Single Mixers and Dr. Shots (all flavors) $4 Captain Morgan Doubles

$3 All Import and Premium Drafts $3 Red Bull and 3 Olives Vodka Flavors


New Years Day Saturday, Jan 1st Come Hang All Weekend! $2 Bud Bottles Live DJ Spinning All Night!

TUES 12/21

Get your NYE Tickets Today! Sold Out Early Last 4 Years! VIP Package from 7:30PM - 2AM! $30 Tickets gets you $1 U Call Its and $2 Top Shelf, Food, Champagne Toast & More!

Every Wednesday: School of Beer! Enroll Today

Logo Glass Day! $5.50 Pitchers PBR & High Life $2 Jim Beam, Pinnacle Vodka Single Mixers, and Burst Shots (all flavors) $4 Bacardi Doubles (all flavors)

Old School Night w/ DJ Delayney $5 Forties $3 Jager Bombs

I Love the 90s with DJ Mingram $2 Import Bottles $3 Jager Bombs

RED LION NYE 2011 NYE Tickets on Sale Now! Selling Fast! Spend the 1st NYE Ever at Red Lion

WED 12/22

Take a Break - You Deserve It!


The Ultimate and Ideal 2011

Holy crizzap, 2010 was weird…I’m so ready for 2011. So ready for bountiful amounts of _____1_____, so ready for ample amounts of _____2_____, so ready to be the best Goddamn _____3_____ that’s ever graced this campus! But I mean, in a perfect, dream-like world, I really wouldn’t be here studying _____4_____ and working at _____5_____. Oh no, I’d be lounging on the beach in _____6_____ drinking _____7_____ out of a coconut. Then maybe I could jet-set to _____8_____ to party it up with _____9_____… mostly because I’ve heard she does lots of _____10_____ and I want to somehow become viral on the internet because of that. Then I would go to _____11_____ and buy a yacht, pop some bottles of _____12_____ and put my hands in da air. Well I guess I secretly just want to be like _____13_____…maybe at least we could be friends? I would definitely hit up Amsterdam too, because who wouldn’t want to smoke some mad _____14_____ and get higher than _____15_____ on his average Tuesday morning? Of course, being in Amsterdam and all, I would inevitably visit the Red Light District, and I’m already worried about getting _____16_____ like I did last year at _____17_____. But whatever, modern medicine rules! Sure, I could just catch up on my _____18_____, or maybe help the homey at _____19_____ during the year, but who wants to do that? Here’s to dreaming big, friends! Happy 2011!

words! you need 'em! 1) Type of liquor _______________ 2) Derogatory term for male or female _______________ 3) Muppet Baby _______________ 4) Your major _______________ 5) Place of work _______________ 6) Warm city _______________ 7) Cheap malt liquor _______________ 8) Poor Euro city _______________ 9) Under 20 pop star _______________ 10 Fave candy _______________ 11) City in Iowa _______________ 12) Fave cola _______________ 13) 90s rapper _______________ 14) Fictional word _______________ 15) Disney character _______________ 16) Disease _______________ 17) Relative's house _______________ 18) Fave porn _______________ 19) Greek house _______________

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of the

Will M Cly's

Status: Multiple relationships Most embarrassing moment bartending? Got caught jerking off in my car on break. Weirdest place you’ve ever woken up? Next to a pregnant Honduran woman. Favorite drunk food? Cock How old were you when you lost your virginity? Still working on it. Anal virginity? In that case, 11. Drink specialty? Norwegian Falcon Carcass Sandwich What celeb would you like to hook up with? Bea Arthur Favorite kind of panties? Wet Weirdest thing a girl has ever asked you to do in the sack? Stick her with her insulin needle. Worst family Christmas party memory? When I lost my anal virginity at Uncle Charlie’s. If a friend was about to unknowingly hook up with a tranny, would you stop them, or let them learn a valuable life lesson? I’m open minded. I’d encourage it...

drinking games The Alphabet Christmas Song Game It’s not that easy, but neither are you without half of a fifth caroling through your blood stream. What You Need: A penchant for Christmas tunes, vocal cords, alcohol and friends. Number of Players: At least two, for God’s sakes. Intoxication Level: You starting singing “Who’s Child Is This?” and start crying.

How to Play: - Players sit around and the first player thinks of a Christmas song that starts with the letter A. - After thinking of a song, they must sing two bars of it successfully. If they mess up then they take a drink. - The next player does the letter B, then C, and so on. When all agree that no song starts with a certain letter, it is skipped. The Game Ends When: You’re ho, ho, hoin’ all the way to your highschool boyfriend's parents house.

Chuck R. Kam's

Status: Single Major: Kinesiology Favorite sexual position? 69, me on top. I call it the bone-crusher. Worst thing you’ve ever done intoxicated? Took a shit in the stairwell of a 5 star hotel in Chicago. Last thing you do before bed? Caress my prostate. Ever made out with a guy for attention? No! Favorite way to celebrate the Holidays? Dusters Best place to hookup? On a crowded 22 Would you rather have a fat slob of a roommate or someone that has really loud sex all the time? I’ll take both. Do you have a nickname?Fish Farm Explain: If you have to ask, you can’t afford it.






mixer center

New Amsterdam Gin GRADE: B-

History New Amsterdam Gin is a Dutch, “citrus-infused” style gin, which probably means it ferments in some sort of container filled with farts. Although Dutch in style, like everything else in America, it is made in America. And like everything else made in America, it’s not great and not really the real thing. In fact, its whole name comes from the fact that New York was once called New Amsterdam. That’s nice, because if you’re like me, you gave up trying to interpret names of alcohols after taking shots of UV Blue in your high school parking lot. Apparently, it kept its name because the few immigrant families that produced it have continued to produce it. They live in the same basement of an old brothel, and although years of inbreeding led to devastating disfigurement they somehow still manage to pour the right ingredients into the right bottles. Somewhere along the line, probably around prohibition, they were prevented from putting juniper in the

drink and instead started using more citrus. And viola, they created the drink I drank last weekend and may never drink again.

Tonic B+ Straight up C Martini C+ Lime Juice B From a Nalgene Bottle B-

ˇ ˇ ˇˇ ˇ

Overview New Amsterdam Gin, in all its glory, has been sitting on my kitchen table for about a month now. Our eyes were bigger than our livers one night, and we were won over by a $14 1.5 liter bottle of a fancy-lookin’ gin. And boy is it fancy-lookin’. Standing thick and tall, the bottle screams, “You think you can drink all of me? HA! I’ve seen gin-drinking lumberjacks fall at first glance!” It’s true; there is something intimidating about the bottle, more intimidating than a 1.5 liters of plastic filled with a brown liquid of your choice. For some reason, one might think he should maybe shower and wear nice cologne before drinking it.

Typical Drinkers Reindeer, old New Yorkers, prostitutes, Ben Bailey, American Dreamers, Roomba vacuums, people at tiny house parties.

User Comments “This party is tiny, but this bottle is HUGE” “Did you know New York used to be called New Amsterdam? Yep. Put that in your pocket.” “BYOB? Good thing I always carry a Nalgene filled with New Amsterdam Gin.”

Conclusion To get technical, New Amsterdam does not use juniper like all other gins out there. Instead it relies on citrus, and therefore does not have are real gin-ny taste. Rather, it tastes sort of like flavored vodka. The website says, “Smooth enough to drink straight, distinctive enough to hold its own in any cocktail,” which to me reads, “Uh, you can drink it however because it tastes okay.” And it does taste okay. If you’re going to go with gin, I recommend it over the rest of the cheap stuff. You can get a lot for a little, and that is good in most college kid’s books. If anything, it looks expensive, and looking expensive gets you laid (well the bottle will get laid anyway, which it might not be a bad idea to sneak this warlock into the bedroom).


On The 12th Day of Christmas My Drunk Bros Gave To Me…

12. 11.

drummers drumming... on 12 kegs of Keystone. Ahhhh, you guys are the best. I think they’re trying to play “Freebird,” but I can’t really hear over the sound of Jon’s techno blaring from next door. God, someone turn that shit off.

pipers piping And nothing better to follow the first act than a bunch of drunken Scotsmen with whiskey to share. We could totally use one of their bagpipes to do a beer bong with the leftover Keystone… Oh sick! That guy is doing a keg stand in his kilt! Someone do a skirt check on that guy please, or at least get him a pair of boxers.

10. Illini Sports Naughty List Jason Terry wrote this 10. Women’s basketballs After years of mediocrity our men’s basketball program is finally something to be proud of again, and an equipment error takes a big dump on our pride. The inspiration for this countdown of failures was drawn from the moment when Illinois was trailing Oakland (an unranked safety school in Michigan) 15-6 before the officiating crew realized that they had been using a women’s basketball. I was as embarrassed as you to find out that a) we have a women’s basketball team and b) we let them play at Assembly Hall. Couldn’t they be decorating tall Christmas trees and giving reach-arounds instead of reachin fouls?

5. Jamar Smith: Fugitive Jamar Smith’s DUI and subsequent “cover-up” is so incredible, you can laugh without exaggerating one bit of it. Smashing into a tree, driving the wrecked car back to you apartment and leaving teammate Brian Carlwell in the car because you think he’s dead, qualifies you for a lifecrippling fail. Great new slogan for Illini basketball though: “Rise Up: I left him there ‘cause I thought he was dead.”


9. Zook Era Ron Zook was hired in 2005 shortly after being fired from the University of Florida. Clearly damaged by the loss of their brilliant tactician, Florida went on to win two national championships. During his reign in Champaign, we’ve seen the following remarkable records: 2-9, 2-10, 5-7, and 3-9. The lone season not included was our trip to Pasadena (see #4). His ability to field an undisciplined and relatively untalented team, despite being the natural destination for all Chicago talent, is a true failure.

4. 2008 Rose Bowl The hype for this game was off the charts. We had already beaten the best team in the nation, but Pete Carrol’s corrupt squad of freak athletes dick-stomped Illinois for an embarrassing three hours. I’m a silver lining guy, so I’d like to thank Juice Williams gutless performance for setting the bar low for 2008. Even when I would have a bad day I’d say “It could be worse, at least I’m not listening to my uncle with dementia for three hours, while watching Juice vacantly stare at the USC secondary like a multiple-choice problem.”

“Why can’t they hit Fresno State receivers as hard as they hit random chemistry majors?”

8. Jeff George The only #1 overall pick produced by the University of Illinois. George would go on to play for 7 different NFL teams and never come close to living up to the hype. I’m not an NFL scout, but I would avoid drafting any quarterback that’s mustachioed or sounds like he grew up in a Toby Keith song.

7. Illini athletes vs. Champaign police Illinois players have a chip on their shoulder. Maybe they’re frustrated from losing, or maybe they’re frustrated for getting clowned on after losing. It’s a vicious cycle. At any rate, the following football players have been arrested recently: Hugh Thornton (Battery), Michael Buchanon (DUI), Mike Garrity (Aggravated Battery), Walter Aikens (Theft), and Evan Frierson (Aggravated Battery). This begs the question, why can’t they hit Fresno State receivers as hard as they hit random chemistry majors? 6. ‘Tez gets stabbed Its one thing to boo at a game, but the stabbing of a starting outside linebacker puts a black eye on the whole campus community.

3. Letting Bill Self walk This could realistically be three of the top 10 failures in Illini sports history. It meant that we had to watch Sean May’s lumpy body dominate the Illini in a national championship. It meant Bill Self would win his inevitable national title with Kansas. Perhaps worst of all, it meant we’d have to watch Bruce Weber scramble for three star recruits like a virgin looking for a prom date. Most notably he missed out on Jon Scheyer, who was from Northbrook and coached by Weber’s brother, David Weber. The “Jewish Jordan” went on to win the 2010 national championship at Duke. 2. The curse of Kurt Kittner Kittner is the all-time touchdown pass leader at Illinois. After getting smoked by LSU in the Sugar Bowl, every Illinois quarterback has been a disappointment: Tim Brasic, Jon Beutjer, Juice Williams, Ed McGee, and that freshman with the weird goatee that transferred after last season. Even Scheelhaase can’t complete a 5 yard out without looking like he’s throwing a shot-put. The salt in the wound is that we’re still subjected to Kittner’s eerily gender neutral commentating on the Big 10 network. 1. Chief Illiniwek (All glory be upon him) You’re already familiar with this debate. Maybe bring him back more dignified in a suit-and-tie and put him up in one of the luxury suites.

lords a-leaping You guys know that I’m totally grateful for all the gifts, but the spandex on these guys is too tight. Quick! Take a picture for Look, if you were going to throw me a dance party, why wouldn’t you get hot girls in spandex instead…

9. 8. 7.

ladies dancing This is better. Are they going to just dance or can they at least grind a little? I mean, I know I’m a chick but we like a good lap dance once in a while too. What? It’s out of respect for the art. maids a-milking Alright, here we go, just when I thought the show was over. Now I’m getting my money’s worth.

swans a-swimming Ah yes, the good ole’ “ugly duckling syndrome”: the freshman girls that were gross in high school and suddenly got hot when they joined a sorority… But seriously, you guys can stop sending me girls for Christmas; my stock was pretty high this semester so you can give me a little more credit. Just because I’m shorter than all of you doesn’t mean I’m not getting any.

6. 5. 4. 3.

geese a-laying Laying out bottles of Grey Goose that is. I mean how else are we going to get these swans so drunk that they’ll start crying about their daddy issues? golden rings of delicious tequila shots. Arriba, arriba, Feliz Navidad! Wait, that isn’t Ranchero is it? Am I really not worth the Jose Cuervo? ... Oh, okay. calling birds A list of booty calls for me to use later tonight. Uh, you guys. What did I say earlier about the girls? I’m doing okay, really! Someone want to pour me another tequila shot? french hens C’mon bro, so now you send me the fat chicks? I know you want me to get some and all, but can’t we go back to those hotties dancing back at number 9? Or is this just karma for throwing away the list of calling-birds? I’m not drunk enough for this guys. I am not. Drunk. Enough.


turtle doves You guys, I’ve got to hand it to you, I give you credit for attempting to give my pet turtles the ability to fly, but I think you could have refrained from taping authentic dove wings on them… Now let’s put the leftover dove bodies in Jon’s bed so whichever girl he brings home tonight freaks out. Man, he’s such a dick.


And a partridge in a pear tree Dude, what a shitty ending to such an epic twelve rounds of gifts. Chicks, booze, and a pet bird in a tree that won’t fit in my room? Whatever…so where did those French Hens go? ... Oh, they overheard me calling them fat and left? ... Okay, I don’t blame them. I would’ve left too. Merry Christmas assholes. Fratastasia wrote this

continued from cover story...


Enough was enough, the manager would say, “Get the fuck out of here and collect your last pay!” Steve stumbled from his throne, his flask in tow; he left with a wave, a song, and a Ho Ho Ho. “Peace out, fuckers!” he said out of spite, “Shitty Christmas to all, fuck you, and goodnight!” He packed up his things and headed to his sleigh, This sled was not pulled by reindeer, it was a beat up Hyundai. Now and then Santa too might need some cheer, so Steve stopped at Piccadilly and grabbed the Everclear. He sat at home, wondering how to break the news, how to tell his cousin he couldn’t pay him back for his booze. Santa was in a dark place, as he stared at the floor, he realized at this point he had little to live for. His elves had left him, his sleigh was on its last legs, Mrs. Claus was in Jamaica getting boned by his former neighbor, Greg. At that point something amazing happened, you know, just outside Steve’s window it started to snow. Steve forgot all his troubles and watched as the flakes danced to the ground, with that his mind cleared and his judgment was sound. He knew what was required and what must be done, Steve whipped back on his Santa suit and knew he had won. The blaze was amazing the sky was alight, the mall burned so brightly in the dead of the night. Steve stood by laughing, gas can in hand, this would show those assholes who could take a stand! The police were on their way but there would be no flight, so Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

"Now and then Santa too might need some cheer, so Steve stopped at Piccadilly and grabbed the Everclear."


the movie page

Based on the Trailer

The tourist dave saw this and gave it a...

Director: How Do You Know

Dec. 17th

Starring: Reese Witherspoon, Owen Wilson, Paul Rudd, Jack Nicholson What You Need to Know: What you need to know is how you know when you're in love? What a odd openended question, right? Reese Witherspoon is dating some slow-witted dude (ding ding–Owen Wilson!) and then runs into cutie Paul Rudd and rethinks her life. What We Think: Even though this film looks like your standard romantic comedy, the cast is pretty awesome and everyone involved is good looking. Except for Jack Nicholson, but he’s so raspy-voiced and classic that maybe after a few long islands… ahh just kidding. Although we don’t know much about anything except partying, we do know that this movie doesn’t look sucky.

Gulliver’s Travels

Dec. 22nd

Starring: Jack Black, Emily Blunt, Jason Segel What You Need to Know: Jack Black is an up-andcoming writer who sets out to the Bermuda Triangle for a story but ends up on a foreign land of little people. Sounds like a terrible acid trip if you ask us. What We Think: This family-friendly film looks pretty decent, but let’s hope that Black and Segel can keep their standard dirty-mouthed humor alive. We might learn some life lessons watching this, too (like, not lying to impress strangers). But, but…what if it makes you seem really awesome?

Little Fockers

Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck

Dec. 22nd

Starring: Robert DeNiro, Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson What You Need to Know: Oh, those crazy fuckers are back at it again! Greg (Stiller) and Pam (Polo) now have twins, so life is focking hard. In this shitty economy of ours, Greg takes a second job and even that isn’t good enough for his crotchedy old father-in-law (DeNiro.) What We Think: Okay, we’ll admit it: The whole “focker” joke was amusing ten years ago (yes, way back yonder in 2000) in Meet The Parents. But come on, a little originality never hurts. So, sure, it’s the same uncomfortable humor that we know from the past two films in the series, but it’s bound to have some cheap laughs. I mean, it’s FOCKING BEN STILLER!



Angelina Jolie, Johnny Depp


In the season of heavy-handed Oscar contenders, The Tourist isn’t afraid to waste the potential of two good actors to win absolutely nothing. Was anybody looking forward to The Tourist this weekend? Usually with a movie starring Johnny Depp or Angelina Jolie, there are people all amped up to wait outside the theater at midnight on opening night. Or there are Academy members waiting to give the film a plethora of Oscars. But The Tourist, oddly, garners neither; it’s a terribly non-commercial thriller with no dramatic or comedic weight from two stars qualified in both genres. The film stars Depp as the most inconceivable Wisconsinite math teacher ever, Frank. He’s out touring Venice when he runs into Angelina Jolie’s character, Elise, who is eluding British agents because her ex-boyfriend stole tons of money from gangsters. Elise seduces Frank as a way to throw off the agents and then it’s straight to the chase film formula. Frank and Elise have swanky adventures, almost get caught, get dressed up real nice, flirt, almost get caught again, and so forth. By the end, you’re realizing that it’s pretty obvious that both Depp and Jolie simply did the film for a paycheck. I really have no problem when high-powered stars do light fare like action movies

on DVD

Johnny depp!

and romantic comedies. I understand they want to make money and sometimes these movies allow the actors to have the fun that you don’t normally see in their Oscar-winning dramas. Take the Oceans franchise, for example. In it, a bunch of A-listers get together to film a silly movie with an extravagant plot, and they have fun with it. Not so in The Tourist, where there is no fun to be had. Depp’s character is a mopey dude who can’t get over his dead wife even though he’s hanging out with a super hot girl who looks like Angelina Jolie. Sure, they have some playful banter, but film is more comfortable with explosions and fighting than smart dialogue. Really the best part of the whole movie is seeing the credits with the director’s name: Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck. What a mouthful! But besides the awesome name, the director also won an Oscar for best foreign film with 2007’s The Lives of Others. It seems like he should’ve brought a skill that isn’t seen in the film, but I guess that could’ve been said of The Tourist’s stars as well. Or for that matter, the writers too, who both have won Oscars for better thrillers, in-

cluding The Usual Suspects. Perhaps, the producers were hoping Jolie and Depp would fall in love in real life like Brad Pitt did on Mr. and Mrs. Smith. That scandal would’ve been great for publicity. Maybe if they had just made the films more similar to each other, it could’ve happened. As predictable as Mr. and Mrs. Smith was, it successfully used Pitt and Jolie to their goofiest. But The Tourist seems like it’s afraid to tarnish the reputation of Depp and Jolie with silly jokes thus making everything they do seem super serious. Essentially The Tourist is a tangible embodiment of a yawn. It’s not particularly offending to watch, but when you’re done you’re left wondering why you just wasted your time on it. With so many better movies this winter, it’ll be easy to skip this film. But man, wait until FX gets a hold of this one to play on cable! It’s just the perfect thing for them to play over and over again securing the possibility of you watching it when you either feel like some background noise while you do work or masturbating to Angelina Jolie. Or Johnny Depp; he’s quite fetching as well.

answers are a few pages from here

December 14th Despicable Me The A-Team Cyrus The Other Guys

December 21st Easy A Salt Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps

Which year did Depp receive his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame?

Worldwide, Johnny Depp’s films have grossed how much?

Depp was born in which state?

Depp won a Golden Globe in 2007 for playing what role?


The Black Sheep Interviews: The 1900s

TBS: So you said you played your first show in Champaign, where did you guys play? jo: Oh it was terrible, we played in the student union. TBS: No… jo: So as you might know, it’s a dry space – TBS: Yes, sure is. jo: And the fact that you can’t drink there sort of equals not really wanting to hang out there. Not a lot of people came, but it went really well. Champaign is sort of another home base, we go back there pretty often to play shows and to hang out with the Parasol Folks. I lived in Champaign-Urbana for a couple years when I was younger, and Caroline went to college there, so we have a little bit of a history there as a band. Caroline and I are pretty sentimental for hanging out down there, so we try to go back as much as we can. TBS: That’s neat. I want to talk a little bit about your new album “Return of the Century.” You guys really stress that it was a really different approach to the final product, which implies a different approach to the creative process. How did you guys approach the creative, songwriting process differently? jo: Well, we used to spend a lot more time arranging and rehearsing and putting songs together as a group, and getting a song totally finished and then bringing it into the studio. And we realized that that was probably wasn’t the best move, because the songs were not so organic, because we were

spending so much time constructing them. So with this record we were kind of writing things as we went along, which made it take longer but things happened a bit more naturally. TBS: Yo when it comes to you guys writing songs, you talk about the process. What’s the inspiration? Do you tend to write about things that affect you personally, things that have happened in your lives, or a little more fantastic? Like you come up with a process and just go from there? jo: I’d say, lyrically I write it from a more personal place. I’m a little more specific and personal for myself and the circumstances I know and understand. I think Ed writes a little bit more, like he’s in an outer world. Ed is more writing lyrics to write a song, and like a lot of it can be interpreted as personal but from what I can tell he likes to tell stories that don’t have anything to do with him, it’s like how people can write a love song when they aren’t in love, or a song about heartbreak when their heart isn’t broken, or write a song about wizards when they don’t know any wizards. But Ed was writing from more on a concept that wasn’t close to him, which is an admirable thing to do. TBS: So if someone was going to see a live performance of the 1900s what could they expect? jo: I mean, right now our live show is so different than it used to be. Caroline, who used to be singing backing vocals, is playing a lot of interesting keyboard parts. Andra, who was playing violin, is now playing lead guitar on a lot of songs. That’s a pretty interesting thing that is happening lives that is surprising a lot of folks. Ed is a really great singer in a live setting, that’s where he sings better when he’s got an audience in front of him, instead of when he’s recording. I’m a really big show off, I guess. I’d say everything is just louder, heavier, and we’re all looser when we play together. TBS: In your free time, when you aren’t recording music or touring, what do you do? jo: I work in music, I work at a rock club. I’m also really into cooking, I spend a lot of time in the kitchen. TBS: What would you say if your signature cooking dish is? jo: Well, I guess what I’m known to bring places is some sort of quinoa and


Prince 1999


The Walkmen New Years Eve


Pink Get The Party Started


Kool & The Gang Celebration


Death Cab For Cutie The New Year


R.E.M. It’s the End of the World (I Feel Fine)


U2 New Year’s Day


Counting Crows A Long December


David Bowie Changes

10 ABBA Happy New Year 11 Elton John I’m Still Standing 12 Kiss Rock and Roll All Night 13 The Walkmen In The New Year 14 The Isley Brothers Shout 15 Beck Where It’s At 16 Otis Redding New Year’s Resolution 17 Three Dog Night Celebrate 18 Mott the Hoople All The Young Dudes

bean salad. But what I’m probably best at making is curry. I have a couple of Moroccan dishes that I’m good at. But I make a pretty good coconut curry that I’m pretty proud of. And I’m pretty good at vegan baked treats, like cookies and muffins. TBS: Are you vegan? jo: Here’s a good one; vegan lasagna is really delicious. You can make ricotta out of tofu, and I swear you wouldn’t know the difference. You wouldn’t even use fake cheese. That’s a good thing to make for someone who is not familiar with vegan food. Or maybe some sort of vegan enchilada, something more comfort food-y. Those two are both pretty hearty, too. TBS: If you could have any mythological creature as your pet, what would you choose? jo: I don’t know, I guess I wouldn’t want one. I might be into like a gizmo, like that little puffy guy. Maybe I’d want a sorcerer in my life. Yeah, I mean that would be really handy. TBS: Let’s say you were a sorcerer, and your only ability was to make somebody famous to no longer not be famous, who would you choose? jo: Definitely Tom Cruise. He doesn’t use his fame wisely, so he doesn’t deserve it anymore. He’s probably charitable in his own way, but his opinions are loud.

Glee: The Music

The Christmas Album

Is too much cheese a bad thing? You can be the judge of that one, fatty. Alright, you fucking Gleeks, we realize this album came out nearly a month ago. But hey, we at The Black Sheep are busy this time of year; corporate punch’s needing to be spiked, lonely men and women craving holiday affection, Rumpleminze to funnel down our throats. What, you think we are just some drunk, horny scrooges? Trust us, a nice rendition of Bing Crosby’s “White Christmas” really brings a tear to our bloodshot eyes, but we’ve got to stay trendy here. We’ve got to appeal to the barely-legal crowd. That’s how Glee: The Christmas Album fell into our laps. And we’ve been cringing with delight the entire time. First things first; you either love or hate Christmas music. On the same note, you either love or hate television phenomenon Glee. That being said, this niche cover-album has many gray areas. Christmas music? This compilation has some of the most classic, popular Christmas tunes even Mariah Carey did well. Glee music? Well, it’s Glee. It’s cheesier than The Chipmunks, but some of the singing’s actually so good that you have to appreciate the talent…if you can hear over the sound of your own puking, that is. So skip over the overly cheesy even-for-Glee songs (“We Need a Little Christmas,” BLAH. “Last Christmas,” BLAH.), and you can check out the songs that stand out a bit. First, “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” is a fantastic ren-



Out Now

dition of the date-rapey tune but – what a twist! – between two gay dudes. The clip from the episode brings it all together, with Kurt being the cute dick-tease to Blaine. “O Holy Night” is a haunting solo by the lovely Lea Michele, which could give chills to even the most sober of Grinch’s. Speaking of which, “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch” has a unique tone that is performed in a good way. It’s a melodic, tale-telling tune that is more than just a song, but an abridged version of the holiday film – perfect for our A.D.D. generation.. So with the holiday season upon us, let’s all indulge in our guilty pleasures. Put an extra couple shots of whiskey in your egg nog (or just funneled into your mouth), have another handful of sugar cookies (or sugar), and put some extra cheese on all of your Christmas songs. Or, on your potatoes. Or both! It’s the one time of the year you can be as gay as possible… and we really mean joyful, you assholes. Merry Christmas, ya’ll!

Sounds Like: Hormonal classic Christmas. Download: “Baby, It’s Cold Outside,” “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch” Listen to it When: Your 16-year-old cousin has it on, and you’re too drunk to change it..

Michael Jackson MICHAEL Crystal Bowersox Farmer’s Daughter R.Kelly Love Letter Tank Now or Never



brendan wrote this


The Black Sheep: real quick, can you kind of give us a brief history of the band in your own words? Jeanine O'Toole: About 5 years ago Charlie and Ed had already started working on music together with two other guys who are no longer in the band. Caroline and I used to live together and Ed, without a whole lot of knowledge of what either of us could do, invited us to come over to try and do some recording, just to see how it would work. It just seemed like, musically, we had some things in common, similar tastes. We went to play our first show in Champaign-Urbana to kind of work out the kinks, away from our home crowd. At that show, the folks from Parasol Records showed up and offered to put out our first EP right there. So that was how we started putting out records with Parasol. We started playing shows around Chicago and it went really well pretty much right off the bat.

Ciara Basic Instinct Diddy Dirty Money Last Train to Paris Kandy Kandi Koated Phil Collins Face Value

The Most Real Future

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( class time )

Movie Quiz



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1. 1999 2. $6 Billion 3. Kentucky 4. Sweeney Todd



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TBS - IL - Volume 17 Issue 16  

It's the last issue of the semester for Illinois!

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