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Dear Carl, I just found out my girlfriend is pregnant, what should I do? Sincerely, Father-to-Be
Dear Fucked-Already, If watching daytime television has taught me anything, there’s a 99% chance this child is not yours, so there is a glimmer of hope for you already. It’s simple; just invite her to go to New York City and take her on The Maury Povich Show. Then have her go through a rigorous lie detector test, because even if this little bastard is yours, you have the right to know if she’s been sleeping with your neighbor and your neighbor’s brother and your neighbor’s brother’s roommate, and your neighbor’s brother’s roommate’s sister – even though that one would be kind of hot – you have the right to KNOW what you’re getting yourself into! That way when she has the little sucker, no one will ever blame you for leaving her, I mean she slept with the entire offensive line, you’d be a fool for sticking around with her. Or you could go ahead and do the noble thing and be a father to this kid, but let’s be serious – you have plans next weekend, so why not just get that DNA test and your name cleared.
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We are so confused and imp ressed at the same time...
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Cheers, Carl
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Word of the week Karatazer:
Cashmere Pollen
Drama Hot Shy
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Definition: An easily-learned form of self-defense that involves pointing and shooting a tazer at someone. Sentence: “Jill was almost mugged last week, but she was cool under pressure, using her karatazer skills to take
down her assailant."