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Volume 19, Issue 7 — 9/28/11 - 10/05/11 — www.theblacksheeponline.com

The

Black Sheep

“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”

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like ma drin ke ks it h fro app m A en! lum s.

A Travelguide to Illinois Homecoming ..

  Brought to you by  

The Booze News

Phil Azar wrote this Readers, I need no introduction. All of you already know me from my travel blog, “Phil Yo Mind,” on which I uncover America’s hidden gems. A few weeks ago, The Black Sheep approached me about writing a review of Champaign-Urbana to commemorate your annual homecoming. My gut reaction was, “Absolutely not.” I had already dedicated my next blog post to Decatur’s Shakespeare in the Park. But, after a minor discrepancy during the second act, my lawyers advised me it would be best to do this article (And to Lady Montague, I would like to extend my sincerest condolences for partying. You shouldn’t have been wearing that outfit if you didn’t want the attention in the first place). University of Illinois is the first school to ever have a homecoming. It was the grandest day of the year for the students of UIUC and we were the best at it. All the other colleges were jealous of our homecoming. Hell, fuckin’ Loverboy performed once and rocked that shit. * *some facts are made up to enhance this article Today, homecoming has been watered down to drunk alumni singing Journey at Kam’s and Ron Zook’s yearly purchasing of Just For Men: Touch of Grey. (Note: this year’s buying will take place between 2 and 2:10 PM on Thursday September 29th at the Walgreens on Green St.). Therefore, U of I’s homecoming has joined the ranks of Carrie Fisher and laundry. We’re washed up. Borrowing a phrase Grandma Azar used to tell me, U of I, “Needs to stop being such a queer and a disgrace to the family name.” It has become imperative to get this homecoming rolling again. The first step is to get you all excited about our school! This is the University of Illinois, goddammit, and we’re all here for a reason — we didn’t get into Michigan. Champaign-Urbana has much to offer. The twin cities are a confluence of subcultures that can provide fun times for just about anyone. Drive your Tahoe to Champaign and you can throw on a tank, flip flops and a neon backwards hat and be a star; rollerblade over to Urbana and listen to some Ra Ra Riot or take the bus to north Champaign and be in the middle of a Waka Flocka Flame music video. Whatever your taste, UIUC has it.

Other stuff

Inside

07: A Bro in a Strange Land

How would a bro fare in a women’s studies class?

U of I is a triple threat: Academics, social and athletics. We are blessed to go to a school that ranks as one of the top public schools in the nation. We go to classes taught by Nobel laureates and TAs who make really good guesses at our names and often get the first letter right. Kim Lee, my name is Phil, not Peter, but keep up the solid work. The classroom is also a great atmosphere for us budding intellectuals where we can solve the problems of modern day, such as: The current economic turmoil, the political upheaval in Russia, or perfecting our signature in the margins of our notebooks. Although there’s much emphasis on the greek system at U of I, anyone can get jiggy with it at the C-U. How cool is the 19 bar age? Pretty cool. President Hogan is down like a clown for underage drinking. But sometimes the bar scene can get expensive and hurt the student’s wallets. No need to worry, friends. Every bar has awesome deals. Red Lion has Shacker Night. Kam’s has a dude named Kyle selling Jager Bombs at the door and Tuesday night Illini Inn has $7 whiskey cokes. Buy 5 and get the 6th half off! You know where to find me any given Tuesday… ladies ;). If the bars don’t fit your palate, fraternity and sorority houses provide enough homoerotic energy to fill you up. Not greek? It’s fine. You can chill in the dorms. The most underrated dorms in the country in fact. Only three were considered the worst dorms in the country last year and President Hogan announced this summer that things will certainly change. We’re going for a bingo this year. 5 in a row. Oh, still bored? Catch a sports game at the place where they play sports. Each year, homecoming is celebrated with a football game. This year we are up against Northwestern. Wildcats? Sweet. Now, some liberals might say that our Chief Illiniwek degrades Native Americans and objectifies humans. I heard this same debate when my father built a strip mall over some sacred Sioux burial ground. That’s when I said, “Who doesn’t benefit from having a T.J. Maxx on the west side of town?” Chief Illiniwek is like T.J. Maxx. It’s cheap, has a great return policy and gives the homeless and the middle class something to have in common. This homecoming celebrate your pride in the Chief and in the great, everyday low prices with quality guaranteed only found at your T.J. Maxx.

18: top 10 ways to crash a homecoming tailgate Just wear an orange shirt, duh.

Continued on Page 19... 20-21: Pygmalion We give you the lowdown on the festivaliest music festival in ChampaignUrbana


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Table of

Page 05

contents

Sex & the CU: How to Get Over a Break Up Eating a tub of ice

Meet The Staff! Managing Editor Carly Kamp copy Editor Mike Benson Advertising Manager Michelle Lenzen distribution Manager Mike Zevin Chris Bandmier Contributing Writers John Estep | John McCombs Phil Azar| Ken Halvachs Mandy Cleves | Grace Haka Hannah Johnson| Michelle Lenzen Michael Byrnes| Corey Gusstini Caitlin Chrzanowski | Katelyn Lilly Sarah Langer cartoonist Alexandra Joyce

pr manager Anastasia Guletsky Abbie Welch photographer Caitlin Chrzanowski campus director Brendan Bonham owner Atish Doshi Founders Atish Doshi & Derek Chin Questions?

info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising?

ads@theblacksheeponline.com Hate Us? lame@theblacksheeponline.com

cream is only for people who can’t get laid.

Page 08

The Life and Times of an Intramural Football Coach: If you

guys lose at flag football, wind sprints for everyone!

Page 06

Betty Crocker for President

Hey, if she can fix hamburger, she can fix the budget deficit.

Page 09

Ask an Anti-Feminist:

And yes, it’s written by a woman.

Pages 11 - 13 The World Famous Bar Grid!

Get your drink on every day of the week, fo' real cheap.

Page 18

English Majors! Heads up, your class is not a therapy session.

Page 22

The NEw Facebook:

How to use the new features to fulfill your stalking needs...


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Beer Tub Time Machine: Wak in the future really conefuusep d12 hours ...

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Word of the week Shapeshipster:

Canolas Jest Thorns

Deporting Shove Jolt

Submit your own word! word@theblacksheeponline.com

Definition: A guy or girl who is far too eager to fall prey to a new trend. Sentence: “Brett used to wear his Von Dutch hat to be cool, then he wore his ironic shirt to be cool, now he wears his Von

Dutch hat and his ironic shirt to be uncool, which is now cool. He’s such a Shapeshipster."


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SEX and the u

05

How to Get Over a Break Up

carly anne wrote this

fat and further along in the single hole. You are what you eat, and nobody wants to go out with the Ben & Jerry’s pal, Chunky Monkey. A little bonus, you get to blame that complete and utter emptiness inside of you on your body’s inability to digest a hollow stomach. Hahaha, seriously, it’s a fucking wonder I’m still able to move around.

So I was recently dumped like last week’s garbage, everyone. I know, I know, “But Carly, you’re the epitome of every man’s dream girl – smart, funny, large-breasted, and great at giving head – how could you get dumped? Where’s the hope for the rest of us?!” Calm down, hypothetical fan, despite my godlike demeanor, I too am only human. And everyone gets dumped at least once in their life. And while this was my first time being on the receiving end, I believe I’ve found just about the best way for a person to pick themselves up by the pants and carry on with their lives. Allow me to elaborate on my five step plan to recovery: Step 1: Don’t Eat Anything Have yourself a lovely little two-week cleanse. Pity eating ice cream like every girl in television does will just get you

Step 2: Watch Horror Movies Trust me on this one, steer clear of those shitty romantic comedies; you’ll just find yourself crying in your underwear wondering when your Jason Segel is going to show up and write a comedy puppet show about love for you. Instead, watch movies where people torture the hell out of each other. Anything with a castration scene would be great for your soul. Or rent The Happening – I know, it was just awful, but watching scores of people committing suicide will make you feel slightly more at home. Like, you’re not crazy. YOU’RE REALLY JUST FINE. Step 3: Delete Him/Her Yes, on Facebook, you dumbturd. I didn’t mean that as a euphemism to kill them at all. Heh heh… Really, this one is just for your sanity. You’re not getting anywhere checking all their recent pictures or wonder who Tina Whoreton is and why she wrote on his wall “OMGizz, like u R tOoOo $exy!” the day after you two broke up. You’re better off not knowing that your ex went out for drinks with the entire football team. You don’t need the mental images of them screwing an

N O D N I R G GET YOUR

6 days a week!

entire field of people. Step 4: Go to the Bullet Yes, I’m referring to the Silver Bullet, of course. Gentlemen, go ahead and let out some sexual frustration on those soulless women (yes, those strippers are soulless – any fraction of a soul they used to have was vacuumed out in their last abortion). Ladies, dress slutty and go get hit on by gaggles of horny men. Last time I was there I had several people shove dollars down my shirt, and let me tell you – nothing boosts your confidence like a man sliding a crisp Washington between your two supple breasts. Step 5: Have Fun You’ve been dumped. It’s okay. Your life will go on, so ENJOY it. Once you’re able to get through a night without sobbing into an old shirt the ex left behind, go out to the bars with your friends who will buy you an astronomical amount of drinks, because you’re finally single again and they’ve been hoping to plow you all year! Enjoy some sex with a stranger and feel free to smile and laugh again. If anything, this asshole did you a favor by breaking up with you, because now you’re just that much closer to finding your real true love. And if that doesn’t comfort you, just remember that you faked every single orgasm throughout the entire relationship, and I’m sure you’ll be feeling like you’re a winner worthy of an Academy Award soon enough.

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United States to Hand Government Control Over to Betty Crocker Corey Guastini wrote this In the midst of a recession, quagmire of a war, ever increasing national debt, and myriad other social and political issues, the United States government is getting desperate for solutions. Congress is notorious for its partisanship and inability to compromise for the common good of the American people, but a recent bill proposal is threatening to end their old ways. An ad-hoc joint committee was assembled last month aimed at formulating a drastic plan to better the United States’ current condition. This week, Congress will vote on the bill the committee has produced. Surprisingly, it has already gained unanimous support from both parties. If it passes, America will hand complete control over to Betty Crocker effective January 1, 2012. Bill S.1409Hamburger Helper/America Helper? is responsible for creating an unprecedented buzz throughout Washington. John Boehner (R-OH), one of the committee leaders, described the rationale behind the radical bill. “Look, everyone in Washington realized something had to be done, but when we sat down and started discussing possible solutions, we immediately realized we were completely incapable of coming up with anything worth a shit. So then we started thinking of people that might actually be able to help. That’s when [Senate Minority Leader] Mitch [McConnell] shared a story of how he turned a pound of otherwise useless ground beef into a gourmet meal in less than thirty minutes with a box of Hamburger Helper. He was literally going to throw the meat out but instead ended up with unbelievable cheeseburger macaroni. Everyone agreed that was the kind of success story we wanted this country strive for. If Betty Crocker can turn boring beef into a meal fit for a king, just think what they would be able to do with this sputtering country.” It was expected that Democrats would be extremely resistant to handing control of the United States over to a private corporation, but Senator Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) adamantly stated this couldn’t be further from the truth. A statement he released on behalf of the Democratic Party read in part, “We are massive fans of the work Hamburger Helper has done. Massive fans. We even love Chicken Helper and can tolerate Asian Helper. Tuna Helper is pushing it, but that doesn’t take away from Betty Crocker’s body of work as a whole. We fully trust Betty Crocker’s discretion in all political matters and cannot wait to witness a complete turnaround of the United States’ infrastructure. You go, Betty Crocker!” According to reports, Congress very nearly chose SC Johnson as recipient of America after hearing an inspirational story delivered by Vice President Joe Biden (D-DE) regarding a barbecue sauce stain he thought had ruined his favorite shirt but was effectively removed by applying Shout. Shout’s stance of being tough on stains was an attractive quality, and SC Johnson has good family company values, but Biden ultimately decided Betty Crocker was superior since you, “Can’t eat Shout or Pledge.” When asked to comment on being slated as the new leaders of the country, Betty Crocker admitted the task would be, “A little more complicated than browning America, adding water, milk, noodles and flavor packet, and then bringing it to a boil,” but was up for the task. To quell any concern Americans may have about the fate of their country, Betty Crocker reminded everyone that they produce Bisquick, too. If the experiment completely fails, a plan has been put in place to hand out free Betty Crocker products to all Americans since, “No American is ever upset after receiving free food.”

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Inside the Mind of a Bro in a Women’s Studies Class John McHoneyCombs wrote this

Well this has got to be an easy way to meet chicks. I figure twenty-three people registered for this Mythology of the Clitoris class so I should be able to plow about a new classmate every week if I play my cards right. Ok, so far it’s just me and some fat Asian guy here. He must have signed up for the wrong class or something. Oh wait the doors opening! Shit, another guy? What the hell? Axe hair gel, Greek letter sweats, headband and a cocky smile? Son of a bitch must have the same plan as me. I better apply some more gel into my hair before all the ladies show up. Ok, the hot girl to uggo/dyke ratio is a bit less promising than I expected, but I suppose I can work with this. Sweet, a pretty good looking blonde just sat down next to me. Time to introduce myself and she’ll immediately see how deep and respectful I am of women. Oh my god, she’s wearing a low cut shirt. Don’t look at her tits, don’t look at her tits, don’t look at her tits. Ok, maybe just a quick glance. Shit, I totally just forgot her name already. Was it Boob Hilda? Chestina? Breastica? Oh well. I’ll just wait for the teacher to call roll. Holy shit, this professor needs a serious dicking. That three piece suit with the football shoulder pads sewn in isn’t fooling anybody. Ok, she’s handing out the syllabus. We’ll probably just read a couple Jane Austen novels and call it a good semester. Wait. Holy balls, this is a lot of reading. How many novels can you have about the clit anyway? All you need is an arrow pointing to some girl’s snatch saying “Here it is.” Five papers, three exams and two group projects!? Are you dry shaving me right now? There’s a course packet for this class? Where the fuck do

you even get those things? Okay, maybe I’ll just arrange to have a study partner here and that way I can move in for the kill. What the hell are we talking about? Nihilism, Marxist theory and utilitarianism doctrine? Man, I thought we were just gonna bitch about how they call it ‘his’tory and not ‘her’story. These chicks are really going at it. That girl with the rainbow wristband is really laying into those foreign exchange students. It’d actually be kinda hot if she didn’t have an Adam’s apple. Wait, is the blonde next to me glancing my way? Perhaps she’s waiting for me to say something and prove I’m actually as in touch with my inner woman as the rest of these girls. Ok here goes nothing. That definitely did not go over well. Everybody is just glowering at me now. I thought that, “I work for my dollar just as hard as you do for your seventy-five cents,” line would get a few chuckles at least. No, please don’t respond to my comment rainbow girl. Who’s she calling juvenile and immature? Ok, I don’t even know what chauvinist means but I’m sure it’s bullshit. This class sucks, well at least most of the hot girls haven’t said anything yet so I guess I’m not the only one who doesn’t get this shit. Wait, blonde girl is raising her hand. Oh boy, this should be good. Wow, that was one of the most insightful things I’ve ever heard. In between all the ‘like’s and ‘um’s who knew menstruation could be an allegory for the immigrant struggle for acceptance in higher society. That’s so beautiful it’s gonna be difficult to jerk off to after class.

07


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The Life and Times of an Obsessive Intramural Coach Katelyn Lilly wrote this Since the day I was born I knew I was meant for only one thing in life: To coach a football team. I made my parents sign me up for park district leagues, and I tried out for my high school team, only to be made team manager along with a few other slow and fat kids with acne all over their face and rejection in their hearts. I suffered through those long 4 years, knowing that when college rolled around I would be able to redeem myself. Unfortunately, I wasn’t scholarship, or even walk-on, material so I had to settle for my second best option: Intramural flag football. Freshman year I gathered some guys on my floor and played a game of touch at Frat Park. Together we realized we had a shot at tearing some new assholes into some assholes out on the field; intramural football was our destiny. Over much deliberation and a few straight power hours to determine who was the manliest, it was decided that I would be the best fit as the team captain. What’s the first step towards a successful team? You have to have a solid name that will not only intimidate, but confuse the hell out of the other team as to whether or not they should take you seriously. Then they’ll really feel like idiots when you blow past them on the 50 yard line over and over again. Our name? Multiple Scorgasms. Let’s just say that we’re pretty good at sacking a few things, if you know what I mean. I get so many girls that I usually have to turn down multiple offers a night. But intramural football isn’t just about picking up chicks. You have to win games, bro. How do you do that? Pure dedication. Your classes aren’t for note-taking anymore. They’re for coming up with offensive plays, defensive positioning, and sideline cheers for all the pussies that I decide not to put in that game. That IKE milkshake that you claim is calling your name every night has to be ignored. Throw some meat and greens in to that diet. Beef up! No one is going to be afraid of some scrawny little twig on the line. You have to be bulkier than Raji from the Packers in a couple of winter parkas. When it comes to exercising, stop being a bitch and get off the ellipticals. I better see you downstairs lifting twice your body weight and running wind sprints next to Memorial Stadium if you want to be playing for my team. A couple hours before game time I like to isolate myself and enjoy a little, “Me time.” I usually lock myself in the bathroom with a SuperPump250 shake and the most recent copy of Playboy. Sexual activity before a game actually increases your athletic ability on the field. Plus it’s a good

excuse for me to crank the love pump. So after downing my drink and a quick little session of “Tossing the Pigskin,” I feel pretty much invincible. Once that SuperPump hits, it’s like a full-on cocaine rush. Next thing you know, I’m foaming at the mouth and twitching worse than an epileptic. When we get on the field I immediately pull the team in for a pep talk and unnecessarily start yelling empty threats in their faces. And those Campus Recreation referees have no idea what they’re talking about. Since they average about 4-5 blown calls per game, I usually have to set them straight a couple of times, especially the female ones. What a joke. Get off the field and get back to the kitchen. The game ends, we win (obviously), and the guys want to hit the showers. Before they walk off, I always bring them in for one last huddle, giving each one a nice little slap on the ass when they walk by me. I pointing out highs and lows of everyone’s performance and suggest things to work on for next week. Typical coaching techniques. You gotta play like the best if you want to be the best. All you fantasy football geeks: Get a real hobby. Learn to play a real sport, like me.


09

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From 'da Streets alumni edition!

Ask an Anti-Feminist

"What do you miss most about being on campus?"

Jannah Hohnson wrote this As a woman on this esteemed newspaper’s staff, I feel that it is necessary to provide readers with the answers to the letters which have been flooding into our newsroom for the past 69 years. The majority of these questions are regarding females and the way they think. The reason this topic is so popular is because the majority of people who still write handwritten letters are womanless sociopaths.

"Not having to pay chicks $2,000,000 to see them naked. And getting penis pills for free, that was great." - The Hef

However, as a proud anti-feminist, you can rest assured that you will be getting the true story on the female character, unfiltered by crazy feminist agendas! Here are a few of the most frequently asked questions: Are you a woman? Unfortunately, yes. Have you ever burned your bra in protest of something? Hell no! I don’t know if you guys have ever been to Victoria’s Secret, but it can get expensive to make some women look sexually appealing. When that illusion gone, us women don’t have a lot going for us. While burning a bra can be a powerful statement, a world with bras is far better than whatever you are burning them for. When do women shut up? This is a rhetorical question, right? Women only like to give blow jobs because it’s another chance for them to open their mouths. Everyone knows that women don’t have that portion of the brain that tells them to stop complaining.

I was Rihanna and my boyfriend was Chris Brown. I’m personally not allowed out of the kitchen during dining hours, so I wouldn’t know what happens in a situation like this.

"The only thing women are good at engineering is the laundry."

Why don’t women just lose some weight? At one point or another, all women have said that they look fat, have huge thighs, or are starting to look pregnant because the Chinese food they just ate. Women do lose weight occasionally, but that doesn’t occur until spring. Fall is the time women start bringing out the layers to hide the pounds of greasy fat that they use during hibernation.

Why do women get so mad when men ask for a sandwich? Beats the fuck out of me! I’m always happy to give my boyfriend, his male friends, all of my male professors, the mail man, etc. a sandwich and/or handjob. Why else would God have given us such beautiful hands? Obviously they weren’t meant for writing or driving. What’s your favorite woman’s excuse for not having dinner on the table so her boyfriend doesn’t beat her? This is a good question. I always say that we were role playing:

Why would women pay for college when they obviously have no future ahead of them? Women should be asking themselves this every day. I can’t help but giggle when I see a woman in an engineering class because you know she isn’t going to get a job (depending on breast size, of course). Women can’t be engineers! The only thing women are good at engineering is the laundry.

"The abundance of ranch dressing... and chicks being down to bone w/ ranch dressing!" -Dee Brown

Why do women travel in packs? Women always have to do things in groups. We can’t go to the bathroom alone and we wouldn’t be caught dead going to the mall alone. This could either mean that we need support or that we are flat out too stupid to do anything by ourselves. Any advice for all the young girls out there? You’re never too young for a boob job. Well readers, I hope this cleared up some of the questions that have had you stumped for so long. For all the women that I have blatantly offended out there, I just have one last question: How did you get this newspaper? There’s no Booze News rack in the kitchen!

"Girls that would sleep with me because I'd play the guitar...now people pee on me in the El tunnels" -Random Guitar

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SHOUT OUTS!

Hey You! Yeah, You on the Computer! Michael Mathias Xavier Benson the Third, esq. wrote this Dear online readers, Somewhere deep in the treacherous backwaters of suburban America in a basement surrounded by dusty workout equipment and boxes of old VHS tapes, sitting in the dark with headphones on listening to “There is a Light that Never Goes Out” by The Smiths, I know my voice is being heard. Oh, lowly knight of the internet frontier, in the good name of Nyan Cat and socially awkward penguins, I bring tidings from the outside world! If you would please, for a moment, silence your TED talk and pay heed to this message, you shall be opened up to the vast wonders of a life beyond LED monitors and mail order sex toys. Let me begin by asking, “How are you, my dear friend?” While the internet is filled with great company and entertainment, I find that hours of hardcore porn .gifs sometimes deprive a person of this friendly greeting. I hope the Youtube forums are treating you well, and I wish you many troll-free seasons! However, this is not the reason I have written, for I come bearing great news! First, allow me to introduce myself: My name is Mike Benson. However, a couple years ago I went by a far different name. At a time now distant to me, if we would have crossed paths I would have given you BL!NKFAN_6969 as my handle. Since I was a young lad, back when I only had 3 Youtube subscribers and about 200 link karma on reddit, my whole life had been devoted to the almighty computer screen. I didn’t eat, drink, or sleep. Facebook was my nourishment, Tumblr my nectar, and downloads of Carl Sagan’s Cosmos my slumber. I was on top of the cyber world. I could win any political argument on any internet forum, I could upload pics onto my blog at a rate unbeknownst to the blogging community, and noob Wikipedia editors marveled at my vast knowledge of System of A Down b-sides and regional Elvish dialects. However, each king must have his downfall. On one fateful summer afternoon I received an email from Amazon, “Your package, Dr. Who: The Complete

First Series, has been delivered.” Eager with anticipation, I ran up the stairs and swung open my front door to receive my purchase. Immediately upon opening my door I was hit in the face by a heavenly light. Way up in the sky, brighter than the highest brightness setting on any monitor I had ever seen, was the sun, beating down on a vast and glorious outside world. I had read several volumes on the sun in Wikipedia and science columns, but in real life it is ten times more glorious. After the initial burst of light I glanced up and down my street. I couldn’t believe what I saw: Girls. Real life girls in the flesh. I wasn’t used to seeing girls with their cloths on, and admittedly I was a bit disappointed that not all girls had enormous fake breasts and tramp stamp tattoos, something the internet taught me to take for granted. One of these girls came up to me and said, “Hello sir, would you like to purchase some Girl Scout cookies?” I was floored. I responded, “What are you, a Nazi? Hitler used to eat cookies. Wake up, asshole.” I had only ever communicated with people through internet forums, and had yet to learn proper real-world communication etiquette. My dear friend, this is my plea to you. If you are sitting in your dark room, reading articles on The Black Sheep Online and wondering what you are doing with your life, I challenge you to go outside and experience things for real. Playing soccer with some real guys is way more fun than arguing the merits of David Beckham’s game on ESPN.com. While the real world can be scary and intimidating, it has wonders beyond even the most detailed depiction of Middle Earth, and the graphics are better than any gaming platform I have ever seen. I realize you have no reason to trust me, but I can assure you that you can. Until then, I wish you courage as you continue your inner journey towards life off the internet. Wait, I was just informed that Scarlett Johanson’s nude pics were leaked. Forget everything I just said.

"I didn’t eat, drink, or sleep. Facebook was my nourishment, Tumblr my nectar, and downloads of Carl Sagan’s Cosmos my slumber."

To Stephanie I met at Dayglow, Marry me? - Tony Dear Bruce: We didn't make out cus you have stuff in your teeth. Dearest, darlingest roommate. I don't care that you keep bringing him home. But if you're going to fall asleep snuggling, at least admit you're dating. Love, sick to death of drama. Dana and megan- sorry for getting wasted and pissing on your rug. Next time i'll wear pampers to our Monday funday party Dear Cass, I'm sorry for destroying your "How to draw children" book. Now how are you going to lure little boys and girls into your abode? Sincerely, You know damn well who I am! Holly, whoever you are, you saved my assignment by leaving your computer logged in. Thank you!! - your friendly design student Just found out my girl would dump me for Sportscenter. I think I love her. Nick, if I get charged for sexual harassment because of you one more time, there will be blood. Emily Thanks for letting me fulfill my dream of becoming a point guard you should always bring a basketball to Joe's- Dan Dane - There's shit all over your bathroom floor. Stop acting like you're too busy and stressed to clean it up. It's starting to scare the goldfish. To the girl who let me climb up your balcony to pet your bunny, next time make me leave through your front door my ass still hurts from thinking i could jump off your balcony and land on my feet -Bust SEND IN YOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com


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for $10 at campusfood.com starting monday

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The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3

Thursday MAT KEARNEY with LEAGUES

SATURDAY: HOMECOMING OPEN at 8AM Serving Breakfast featuring $5 Chicken & Waffles $2 Bloody Mary's $2 Mimosas

SATURDAY: Spend Homecoming at Cowboy Monkey! 9:30 - Bum Jukebox 10:30 - Molehill 11:45 - Benson Bros.

SAT: Super Senior Bash 2011: Kegs and Eggs Open at 9PM! Live DJ! $3.00 Well Drinks $6.00 Domestic Pitchers $6.00 Pitchers of Mimosas

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long!

Free Pool $2 Domestic Bottles & Drafts $4 Domestic Pitchers

SPECIAL NIGHT

HOMECOMING Saturday! We’re open EARLY at 9:30am 10/1! Great specials & MORE!

WED 9/28

15 Cent WINGS 8pm -? $1.50 Miller High Life Bottles $2 Long Island Iced teas (5 flavors) $2 Jäger Bombs

ANA SIA with EPROM and EPCOT

SENIOR NIGHT featuring Bottle Service $2 UV Vodka $2 Malibu Rum $2 Bud Light Bottles Bottle Service Available To Book - Call 217-722-9000

THURS 9/29

$1 Wells $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 Jack/SoCo/Tuaca $3 Jumbo Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers

MAT KEARNEY with LEAGUES

$2.50 ANYTHING IN THE HOUSE! Any Liquor - Any Beer....$2.50 Every Thursday! DJ Ollie DJ D.M. | DJ Ghostface

Closed for a Private Party Book Your Next Party Here! 217-398-2688!

Beer Garden Bags League at 6pm Karaoke at 9PM! $1.50 Old Style Pints

FRI 9/30

$1 Cherry & “O” Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Miller Lite/Coors Bottles $3 Three Olives Mixers $3 Hot Shots $7 ALL Domestic Pitchers

KAPPA HOMEKOMING 2011 Part 1

Happy Hour Food Special $3 for "The Porch Step" Our 15" Gourmet Grilled Cheese! from 4pm-9pm DJ OLLIE Spinning Live!

DJ Kosmo Spinning the Best Tunes!

All You Can Eat Walleye $7.95 $2.00 Bud & Bud Light Cans

KAPPA HOMEKOMING 2011 Part 2

HOMECOMING: OPEN at 8AM Serving Breakfast featuring $5 Chicken & Waffles $2 Bloody Mary's $2 Mimosas

Spend Homecoming at Cowboy Monkey! 9:30 - Bum Jukebox 10:30 - Molehill 11:45 - Benson Bros.

Super Senior Bash 2011: Kegs and Eggs Open at 9PM! Live DJ! $3.00 Well Drinks $6.00 Domestic Pitchers $6.00 Pitchers of Mimosas

Trivia Night - 7PM! $1 Miller Lite Drafts $1 Miller High Life Drafts $2 Bushmills Shots $3 Red Bull Vodkas

NFL Sunday Ticket $2 Domestics $3 Bloody Marys

SAT 10/01

$3 Miller Lite/Coors bottles $3 Bacardi $7 Domestic Pitchers

SUN 10/02

Closed

STS9 (Sound Tribe Sector 9)

Book Your Next Party or Event at The Clybourne! Contact our Party Planner at CochraneParty@Gmail.com or 217-722-9000

MON 10/03

$1 Wells $2 Killian’s Pints $4 Killian’s Pitchers $2 Jumbo Long Islands $4 Bud & Bud Light Pitchers Pub quiz @ 8pm

$1 WILD MONDAYS Live Music! No Cover! featuring Sonny Stubble $1 Beers and $1 Wells

Bucket Monday! $8 Buckets of Domestic Bottles $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets $2 Pinnacle Whipped Vodka $2 Cruzan Rum Drinks

DJ Belly! $2 Domestic Beers $2 Wells $2 Off All Martinis

1/2 Price Appetizers 4-7pm $1.50 Old Style Pints

TUES 10/04

Taco Tuesdays! $3 AUC2E Tacos & $2 Wells $3 Tall Boys/Miller/Coors Tequila Sunrise & Margaritas $2 Killian’s pints $5 Killian’s pitchers

THE PIANO MAN Playing all your favorites with $3 Real Long Islands! No Cover!

WINE NIGHT $8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Goose Island 312 Bottles $2 UV Vodka (All Flavors) $2 Jim Beam Whiskey

Open Mic Night Inside Stage

Beer Garden Bags League at 6pm $1.50 Old Style Pints $2.00 Margaritas

WED 10/05

15 Cent WINGS 8pm -? $1.50 Miller High Life Bottles $2 Long Island Iced teas (5 flavors) $2 Jäger Bombs

WILL HOGE with ERNIE HENDRICKSON

SENIOR NIGHT featuring Bottle Service $2 UV Vodka $2 Malibu Rum $2 Bud Light Bottles Bottle Service Available To Book - Call 217-722-9000

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long!

Free Pool $2 Domestic Bottles & Drafts $4 Domestic Pitchers


The Envy of All The Alumni Living in a place so nice, you’re already starting to show up the old guys.

Oh, we’re just getting started. Amazing Location. Theater Room. Club Room. Two-Story Wireless Atrium Lounge. Bicycle and Scooter Storage. Convenient Grocery Store. Fully-furnished Apartments. Fitness Center. Tanning.

The BarGrid Page 2 of 3

217.239.2310 | burnham310.com | 310 E. Springfield

Greystar Illinois Management, LLC

Green Street Café

SPECIAL NIGHT

SATURDAY: OPEN AT 8AM Serving Firehaus Breakfast $2 BLOODY MARY'S $2 MIMOSAS Watch All the Games Here! ILLINI vs NW 11am

Bus Transportation from Campus to Downtown @ Wright and Daniel Monday - Saturday at 10:00, 10:30, 11:00

TUESDAY: 1/2 Price Burgers $2 Jello Shots 8th Grade Dance Party

WED 9/28

Minute to Win It: Win a Sony Blu Ray Player $1 SHOTS Firehaus Mug Night You Keep the Glass Mug $5 for Your first Mug & Draft $2 Bud Refills | $3 312 Refills $3 Jack Daniels | $2 UV Vodka

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi + Red Bulls

Coyote Ugly Night $3 Double Wells $3 Jack Drinks $3 Jager Bombs

Come Get Sloppy w/ $4 Sloppy Joe's (Drink)! 1/2 Price Hot Dogs $3 Jager Bombs

THURS 9/29

$2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Svedka Vodka $2 Jim Beam Whiskey $2.50 SoCo Shots $6 Natty Light Bucket of Bottles

$3.50 Miller Light and Bud Light 60oz pitchers $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Cherry Bombs

$3 Sangria $3 Sweet Tea Vodka

DJ Ollie $3 Top Shelf Free Entry w/ Student ID Before 11p

1/2 Price Burgers $2 Woodchuck Drafts $4 Loaded Gold Woodchucks

FRI 9/30

Homecoming Weekend WELCOME BACK! $5 Bud Light 40's $3.99 Haus Fries All Day

$3 Strong Islands $4 Double Vodka Wells

$2 Miller Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Captian & Coke $4 Oh Yeah's

Catch All the Action Here!

DJ Delayney $5 Double Wells Free Entry w/ Student ID Before 11p

$2 Red Headed Sluts $6 Coors Light Pitchers Come Meet Rich & Famous Alums!

SAT 10/01

OPEN AT 8AM Serving Firehaus Breakfast $2 BLOODY MARY'S $2 MIMOSAS Watch All the Games Here! ILLINI vs NW 11am

$3 Wells $4 Top Shelf $4 Double Whisky Wells

$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Bacardi Drinks $4 Oh Yeah's

College Football All Day!

Hoemcoming Rave! $2 Miller Lite Bottles $5 Long Islands

Party in the Best Beer Garden for Homecoming, then Hit the Dance Floor!

SUN 10/02

$2 EVERYTHING in the HOUSE! Noon- BEARS vs PANTHERS Win a Payton Throwback Jersey! $10 Natty Light Hydrants

$2 U-Call-It $3 Top Shelf $6 Late Night Food Specials

$1 12oz Drafts $2 Well Drinks $3 Call Drinks $4 Signature Drink

Come watch all the games! $2.50 Import Bottles

Book Your Next Party Here! Email us at highdive.gm@gmail.com

Bears vs. Panthers at Noon Win a 3 day stay in Vegas! Open at 11AM! Full Food Menu! Closed at night

MON 10/03

Monday Night Football Colts vs Tampa Bay 7pm $1 DRAFTS of Natty Light $1 SILVER TEQUILA SHOTS $10 Natty Light HYDRANTS 1/2 Price Appetizers 4-10pm $2 Bud Light Drafts

$.50 Pizza Slices (8pm to Midnight) $8 Pizza & a Pitcher $4 Pitchers $3 Double Spiced Rum Wells $6 Late Night Food Specials

$1 Draft Refills, Miller and Bud light $2 Rum and Coke's $3 Rumplemintz $4 Strong Islands

1/2 Price Apps After 5PM

80s Night With DJ Mingram $1.50 Wells and Domestic Bottles NO COVER

1/2 Price Sandwiches $2 Purple Kamikazes MNJ...You Know...

TUES 10/04

$2.99 Cheeseburger and Chips from 4pm-10pm $2 Wells $2 Pinnacle Whipped Drinks $6 SHARKBOWLS MLB Playoffs

$1 Chicken Strips & $.50 Wings (8pm to Midnight) $2 Tequila Shots $3 Double Vodka Wells $4 Patron $6 Late Night Food Specials

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dbl Vodka/RB $3 Marky Bomb's $4 Peach Long Beaches

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells

DJ A-RON $1 Wells Free Entry w/ Student ID Before 11p

1/2 Price Burgers $2 Jello Shots 8th Grade Dance Party

WED 10/05

35 E. Green Street

Minute to Win It: Win a Soco Lighted Pub Sign $1 SHOTS Firehaus Mug Night You Keep the Glass Mug $5 for Your first Mug & Draft $2 Bud Refills | $3 312 Refills $3 Jack Daniels | $2 UV Vodka

Karaoke Bomb Night $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager& Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi& Car Bombs $6 Late Night Food Specials

Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's $2.50 Jager Bombs $3 Strong Islands $4 Oh Yeah's $4 ICB's

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi + Red Bulls

Coyote Ugly Night $3 Double Wells $3 Jack Drinks $3 Jager Bombs

Come Get Sloppy w/ $4 Sloppy Joe's (Drink)! 1/2 Price Hot Dogs $3 Jager Bombs

EVERY DAY: $1 Kamikazes $1.25 High Life Drafts $3 Jager Bombs $5 Pitchers of High Life

1/2 Price Hookahs at GSC2

Karaoke Bomb Night $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager& Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi& Car Bombs $6 Late Night Food Specials

Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's $2.50 Bombs OPEN MICJager Night $3 Islands $2.50Strong Corona $4 Oh Yeah's $2.50 Jager Bombs $4 ICB's $3 Strong Islands

Live Band & Open Mic Night! $1 Miller Lite Bottles $3 Double Rum Wells $6 Late Night Food Specials

$6 Late Night Food Specials

$6 Late Night Food Specials

Special Night

MONDAY: 1/2 Price Apps After 5PM

Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers Free Pool Fromand ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from 6-8 every day. $2 Miller Lite and Coors Free pool during happy hour!!! 6-8 Daily Light Drafts 35 E. Green Street

Wednesday

$4 ICB’s

$2 Miller Lite and Coors Light Drafts


The BarGrid Page 3 of 3

KAM'S DOWNTOWN FRIDAY:

SPECIAL NIGHT

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Pitchers!! $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets

White Horse Karaoke! $7.50 Rum and Coke Pitchers

WED 9/28

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Bud's Wild Wednesday Bud Girls! $1.50 Bud You Call Its Drafts & Bottles $2.50 Bacardi $3.50 Vodka & Bam

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $2.00 Skyy Vodka Singles $4.00 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

KLUB KAM'S w/ DJ John Han $3.50 UV & BAM $2 Lite Bottles $1 MHL Bottles $3 Revel Stoke

Mustache Night Get your limited edition mustache glass No Cover

$2.00 Specialty Pints $2.00 Specialty Bottles $6.50 Killians and Leine Pitchers $2.25 Jim Beam Singles $4.50 Bacardi and Mailbu Dbls $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

SHACKER NIGHT $2 Bud Family Bottles $2 UV Vodka $3 SoCo Lime Shots $5 24oz UV Shackers $6 Red Bull Super Shackers

$7.50 Whiskey Coke Pitchers $3 Jim Beam $3 Jack Daniels

$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

The ABSOLUT Party Illini Pregame $4 BAM Drinks $2.75 24oz Lite Cans $3 Jameson & Malibu

Welcome Home!

$2.00 Killians and Leine Pints $7.00 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light, and Miller Lite Pitchers $4.50 Wild Turkey and Skyy Vodka Doubles $2.50 Murphy's Pub Irish Stout Pints $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Burst Shots

Homecoming Weekend Open at 5pm $1 Fatty Natty Bottles Live Dj Spinning All Night

Stevie B Live at 9PM $7.50 Margarita Pitchers $2 Coronas No Cover!

Welcome Home!

Welcome Back to Campus!

Homecoming Outdoor Party and Pig Roast in the Red Lion Parking Lot DJ ROCK CITY Spinning at 4pm after the game!

Open Early at 8am! Illinois vs Northwestern 11:30am

Book Your Next Party or Event at The Red Lion! Contact our Party Planner at CochraneParty@Gmail.com or 217-722-9000

Come in and find out what's going on! Maybe the Bears are playing...

SUN 10/02

Stevie B Live at 9PM $7.50 Margarita Pitchers $2 Coronas No Cover!!

SAT 10/01

SAT: Homecoming Outdoor Party and Pig Roast in the Red Lion Parking Lot DJ ROCK CITY Spinning at 4pm after the game!

FRI & SAT: $10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

FRI 9/30

WED: LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's or PBR $2.00 Skyy Vodka Singles $4.00 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

THURS 9/29

MON: Beer Lovers Night $2 Domestic Bottles and Drafts $2.50 Specialty Bottles and Drafts

SATURDAY: IL vs. Northwestern 11AM Open at 7AM DJ Spryte Live from LA! 4 Rebels Vodka Specials! $3 22oz Lite Drafts

$5 22oz Illini Mug, $3 Refills During Illini Games! $10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

IL vs. Northwestern 11AM Open at 7AM DJ Spryte Live from LA! 4 Rebels Vodka Specials! $3 22oz Lite Drafts

Come Watch Some Games! $2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells

$2 Pitchers! Bears vs. Panthers at Noon!

$3 Any Draft $2.50 Coronas

$2.00 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5.50 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light, and Miller Lite Pitchers $2.00 Well Singles $4.00 Sobieski Vodka and Sweet Tea Vodka Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

$1.50 High Life Drafts!

Celeb DJ Party! $1 Bottles, $3 Pitchers GRAB-A-FATTY $1 Wells, $2 Bottles $2 Energy Drinks

Beer Lovers Night $2 Domestic Bottles and Drafts $2.50 Specialty Bottles and Drafts

$1.75 Domestic Pints $2.75 Premium Pints $2.00 Manager's Special $4.00 Wild Turkey and Skyy Vodka Doubles

$1 U CALL IT $2 Red Bull Vodka's $3 Bud Light Pitchers

Euchre Tournament! $1 Miller Lite $ Coors Light Pints

MON 10/03

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool and Miller Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 6pm)

Country Night! $3.50 Double Jim Beam $4.50 Double Pucker $1.50 Lite Drafts Come Get Cowboy Hats!

Ride the Rail No Cover

$6.00 Hamm's Logo Pitcher $4.00 Refills $2.00 Sobieski Vodka Singles $4.00 Well Doubles $2.00 Oldstyle and Schlitz Tall Boys and Natty Fatties $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

BARN DANCE TUESDAYS! Live DJ Playing Country Music $1.50 FATTY NATTY BOTTLES $2 Wild Turkey Whiskey $2 American Honey Lemonades $2 Malibu Rum

DAS BOOT! $5 Refills ANY DRAFT!!

TUES 10/04

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Frattle of the Bands! WPGU Live - $1000 Prize! $1.50 Bud You Call Its Drafts & Bottles $2.50 Bacardi $3.50 Vodka & Bam

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $2.00 Skyy Vodka Singles $4.00 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Pitchers!! $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets

White Horse Karaoke! $7.50 Rum and Coke Pitchers

WED 10/05


what about me?

Don’t Worry, Pup

WE’RE PET FRIENDLY!

• 1, 2, 3 & 4 bedroom apartments and townhomes. • Individual bathrooms in all bedrooms. • Resort style swimming pool.

• Free internet, cable, water, trash and parking. • Washer & dryer in every apartment. • 24 hour fitness center & spa with free tanning.

Text "COLBERT" to 47464 for Specials! (217) 353.6800 / www.villagecp.com

We’ve g ot a lot of othe r things , too!


Send in your pics to pics@theblacksheeponline or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com

S E R U T C I P K E E W E OF TH

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View AND Send Pics from our iPhone/ Android App!

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16

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Bartenders of the

Week

Paul Kovacs FIREHAUS

Major: Industrial Design / Coloring Books Where did you lose your virginity? Due east of the 50-yard line What’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve had happen to you on the job? Got my TA’s number, she may or may not have been a dude? If you could go down on anyone, who would it be and why? Anyone but Lady Gaga, no one wants to find out what goin on down there... Favorite sex position? Ask my right hand. If you could be doing anything right now (besides bartending) what would it be? #ScooterXgames Would you rather take a body shot off of Donald Trump or Jack Nicholson? Jack Nicholson, only if he was dressed as the Joker Last dream you remember? ...Emile Keece... What is your biggest pet peeve about bartending? GEEDS Secret you don’t want your parents to find out? Their liquor cabinet is full of water. If you could be any alcohol, what would you be and why? Burnett’s... I’d be inside every sorostitute.

drinking game:

Drinking Jeopardy! Alex Trebek has a voice that could charm the panties off of a nun, and his dulcet tones really help boys and girls across the nation learn what the capital of Madagascar is. Does that mean this game will help you get drunk? No. Is it fun? What is, “Yes,” Alex. What You Need: A case of beer, a hi-def TV to see the glint in Trebek’s eye, smartz. Number of Players: At least 2, more is more better, though. Intoxication Level: I’ll take, “Shithouse Drunk” for $800, Alex. How to Play: -Before the game begins, make sure each player has several beers in front of them. -Players may only guess an answer once per question. -A player’s answer does not have to be phrased in the form of a question. -Players must drink when: -Any opponent answers a question correctly. -The player incorrectly answers the question. -Players do not have to drink when: -The player answers the question correctly. -No player answers the question correctly. -Scoring is similar to a standard Jeopardy! game. If a player has to drink, they must drink the first number in the 3-digit score. For example, a player who has to drink on a $400 question must drink four drinks. Drinking on a $1000 question would be ten drinks. -There is no special scoring for the Daily Double, just use the value assigned to the question. -The Final Jeopardy question is worth 10 drinks. The Game Ends When: Your DVR runs out of recorded episodes.

thirsty for more? theblacksheeponline.com/drinkage

Liz Mulvey BROTHERS

Major: Community Health Relationship Status: Taken If you could make up a sorority what would it’s name be? Eta Omicron Epsilon (HOE) Have you ever been drunk when you probably shouldn’t have been? At my dog’s euthanasia Finish the sentence: The last time I had sex it was… with three other people. Have you named any of your body parts? I call my fake tits “The Girls” Who is your favorite Disney princess? Belle Favorite shot? Blue Marlin What’s your favorite part of bartending? Cutting all the fruit with Phil. When you looked in the mirror this morning, what was the first thing you thought? Who’s bathroom is this? Best place to hook up? In the cooler downstairs What’s the worst pickup line you’ve ever heard/used? Hey baby what’s your netID?

recipe for disaster:

Burrighto

After a night of heavy drinking there’s always a pit in one’s stomach, and it aches mightily, wanting to be filled with manly goodness. No, we’re not talking about semen; we’re talking about the manliest freakin’ burrito of all time. What You Need: Flour tortillas, can of refried beans, cheese, hot sauce, beef jerky Cook Time: 5 minutes Fatty Factor: Oh god yes. Let’s Get Baked: -Unwrap the tortillas, open the beans, cheese and jerky. Have the hot sauce at hand. -Place a dollop of refried beans on the tortilla. -Sprinkle cheese on top of the beans. -Apply a liberal amount of beef jerky to the burrito. -Splash on a healthy amount of hot sauce. -Fold it all fancy-style. -Place in the microwave and heat on high for 40 seconds. -Remove, let cool and enjoy. You’ll pass out after a burly burrito bliss, only to wake up with some newfound chest hair. So…uh…this one isn’t for the ladies. Unless…


18

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grace of spades wrote this

TOP TEN

ways to Crash A Homecoming Tailgate

10. Bring Hors D'oeuvres What better way to belong than to come bearing gifts? Whip up your favorite appetizer, maybe some deviled eggs? Potato salad? Whatever you bring, make sure it’s something gourmet to legitimize your persona as an old long time friend. Give and you shall receive (beers).

Hey, Students: English Class does not count as a Therapy Session!

Does the line, “Oh, love, why do we argue like this? I am tired of all your pious talk. Also, I am tired of all the dead,” mean anything to you? Yeah, me neither. In fact, I have no idea what the hell that even says. But apparently to many students taking English classes, this is the, “Story or their lives.” For some reason, people think that analyzing a depressing poem, or any poem for that matter, is their opportunity to spill their guts and start blabbing about how hard their life is. Well you know what, this is starting to get real old, real fast. No, you emo freak, English class is not an excuse for a psychoanalysis of your own feelings. If you’ve taken any English course, you know what I’m talking about. If you’ve taken any English course with less than twelve people in it (which is most of them), then you definitely know what I’m talking about. These small classes give people the notion that every single person enrolled is suddenly their new best friend, and the instructor is their psychologist. This is where the instructors should step in, because quite frankly, it’s their fault that these students feel comfortable with whimpering about their life in front of strangers. All I know is that if I were the teacher, as soon as some creepy girl started talking about how much she can relate to, “O Mistress Mine,” by Shakespeare because she misses her boyfriend from high school sooo much, I’d burst out into the most obnoxious laugh I could possibly muster up. Ya know, to really embarrass her just to make sure that she’d never pull a stunt like that again. But nope, they just sit there with a concerned look on their faces and nod with compassion. Occasionally, they’ll say, “I see... can you expand on that?” And that’s where you have one of two

choices: Bang your head against the wall throughout the entire class or walk out with your middle fingers in the air. Is it just me, or is every single person who happens to be in a class that analyzes literature in some form of counseling? I mean, are they lying? Are they just saying that because they want to steal the author’s thunder? Because let’s be honest, almost every good author was F’ed in the head. I know that therapy and counseling is nothing to joke about, but that also means that English class is not the place to disclose such information to people who really don’t give a damn! And shouldn’t be forced to give a damn! Your classmates aren’t going to feel sorry for you, hand you a tissue, and then proceed to automatically think that you’re brilliant because of your heartaches. They’re going to go home and be like, “Um, all this guy did in my Intro to Sad Stories class was cry and scream ‘THIS IS MY LIIIIFEEEEEEEEEEEE!’ It made me feel really weird...” So please, I BEG of you, English students. Please keep your personal problems to either yourself, your close friends, or a paid professional. Not only do we not understand why you’re so comfortable with showing your entire class your medication list after reading an Edgar Allan Poe poem, but we really don’t know how to respond to such behaviors either. I’m sure there’s some place in Champaign/Urbana that’s hosting an emotional poetry slam where you’re encouraged to weep and blubber about your pain that you’ve turned into art. But the classroom is made for only a couple of things, like not paying attention or staring at that token girl who’s thong is always hanging out. Let’s keep it that way.

T S A F K A E R B 9 $3.9 ! I R F N O M S L SPECIA

9. Beards=Beers Everyone loves a good beard. If you can grow a nice hearty beard or at least roll with someone that has one, you will gain the admiration of strangers. And they will respect you. And give you things to chug. And you will like it. 8. Carry the Franzia Nothing like strangers slappin’ your bag. The Franzia game is fun and a party favorite that literally never gets old. If you opt for this route, make sure you’re in good health. Herpes simplex virus on your face is not good for convincing strangers to share a wine nozzle. Communicable diseases; bad times. 7. Ask them if they know your friend “John McCombs” Tell these new potential friends that they look so familiar and ask them if they know your friend “John” and where his tailgate might be. Chose a generic enough name and be sincere about your journey to find him. Propose shots or a beer for good luck before you make the trek to locate friends. 6. Sport an Alumni Tee Make up elaborate/thorough stories about your life at the U of I. Talk about how graduating sucked because you’re forever going to be an Indian baby (Illini). Then subtly drop hints that you now live in California, have connections to people that don’t live in Savoy, and that your creative writing degree actually worked out in the long run. 5. School Spirit Chant songs, start the party. People thrive off of enthusiasm and willingly embrace/support it. His is a win-win situation because bonding with strangers over school pride is the easiest way to their heart that bleeds orange and blue. 4. Walk up drinking the same beer If you spot an excellent tailgate with great food, good people, and tight beers, you can pull the same beer card. Locate 1 can of the same kind of beer they are drinking, meander up and start making yourself at home. If you’re casual about it, you’ll fit in and be ready for crash mode. 3. Orientation T-shirts Everyone can relate to those orange Illini just-got-this-atorientation shirts. It’s a great topic of conversation with strangers because more likely than not multiple people at the tailgate have fond memories of their own. Feel free to bedazzle it by cutting the sleeves off, or maybe even cutting in a deep V if you’re trying to look extra sexy. 2. Find the oldest man Tell him he looks like your dad. Bond with him. Share kid stories and bear hugs. Then brews. Brews. BREWS.

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1. Be the crazy person Under normal circumstances being the crazy person is very frightening and people run from you. But in tailgating circumstances people love a good weirdo to spice it up. As long as you’re super outgoing and borderline Borat funny, everyone will want to support your cause by giving you beers and hoping you say hilarious off-the-wall things they can then tell their friends about.

lenz wrote this


19

continued from cover story... Is the C-U the best college town in the country? No. Have you ever been to Ann Arbor? That place is dope. Their homecoming is having a Loverboy tribute band, Fighterman, play THIS year. Even though most A-list tribute bands might be booked, there are steps we can take to change our homecoming and our University for the better (If we can’t, transfer applications can be found at umich.edu). Let’s stop lying to ourselves and accept the obvious sexual undertones of homecoming. No, I’m not going to say “home-cumming,” that’s too easy and not my style. I am a minority on this campus and my modesty goes unshared amongst the current students, faculty and alumni. Yes, you too, faculty. Homecoming is nothing more than a chance to spread one’s seed. On this weekend, cougars and creeps alike flood into our streets, into our pants, and into our beds. So let’s play to our advantage and build our Homecoming around the man, and alumnus, who practically invented sex, Hugh Hefner. The Playboy founder, however, is pretty busy. But his cousin Mark isn’t! Mark is a great guy. He’s a software engineer at Initech up in Deerfield and not as busy as his older cuz. Mark has a family of three, ages 18, 21 and 24, and enjoys bowling in his free time. When the man is dominating a 7-10 split, he’s slaying dimes on the reg. Daughters, lock up your fathers, ‘cause I hooked Mark up with an 8x8 autograph tent on the corner of Lincoln and Florida.

Bring something sick for Mark to sign like a dildo or a floppy disk and get you some complementary fruit punch and vanilla wafers! Next, the parade sucks. Yes, we have a homecoming parade. Last year the CHC (Champaign Homeless Council) pushed a Wal-Mart shopping cart filled with Natty Light cans down Green. They won Best Float, but were immediately disqualified after Ben “Red Tooth” Herring stabbed an IHOP waitress to win an argument over “What the fuck is an iced tea?” To be honest, it can be easy to make fun of Illinois. Forget about the crime alerts, Lincoln Hall’s perpetual construction and the strong possibility our name changing to “University of China at Illinois“ within the next decade. Only here can you be discussing the poetry of John Keats and several hours later be talking with the same person about how it should be a constitutional amendment for girls to wax. And only here can you see an African American and an Asian dating. That doesn’t happen in the real world. Not ever. One day we are going to look back on our time here and feel a strong sense of nostalgia and pride for our school. Years from now, when I am old and grey, I will look at my calendar and think to myself, “Lady Montague was a tease. Juliet would have been more down to bone on stage. Worst decision ever.”

"Interracial dating only happens at U of I!"

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20

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For the past seven years, the Pygmalion Music Festival has brought chillwaves upon chillwaves of fresh, up-and-coming acts to the bars and clubs of Champaign for a weekend of boating shoes, fresh pots of coffee, and occasionally some good, old fashioned indie rock. Past years have included such great acts as Iron and Wine, Of Montreal, Yo La Tengo, and Owen, who has played the festival every single year since it began (Seriously, they can’t get this guy to leave). While chances are I don’t love this festival as much as that Owen guy, I still enjoy it just the same.

Pygmalion 2011 2011 was yet another great year for this blossoming, pre-pubescent rock festival. With bands like Explosions in the Sky and Cut Copy, everybody from the bands, concert promoters, concert attendees, and the many fine drug dealers of Champaign-Urbana benefitted greatly from this experience. If you couldn’t attend, here’s a play-byplay of the entire weekend as I remember it, which is spotty in places; ecstasy will do that. By Mike Benson

wednesday

The sold-out first show of the weekend, Explosion in the Sky, was something I and, many fine grad students and Urbana weed dealers had been looking forward to for some time. The height of the underground instrumental post-rock scene (You’ve probably never heard of it), Explosions in the Sky were guaranteed to impregnate the many concert goers with emotional, epic song craft and sweaty, passionate stage performance. Probably the most crowded night I observed the entire weekend, Explosions played through an entire hour and a half long set without any breaks and absolutely no dull spots. The show seemed to go on forever in the best way possible. While playing a few songs from their most recent album, “Take Care, Take Care,” Explosions relied heavily on some of their older classics, such as “Greet Death” and the highlight of the night “Your Hand in Mine.” While not missing a single beat themselves, the sound of Canopy seemed to not do Explosions much justice. Through no fault of their own, the epic, phallic, manly testosterone of their guitar driven post-rock was a bit muddied in the small venue of Canopy Club. Explosions in the Sky was meant to perform on Pelennor Fields during the charge of the Rohirrim against the armies of Mordor, not in indie rock clubs.

Friday

thursday

Thursday promised to be one of the most memorable days of the weekend. With buzzband Toro Y Moi and a personal favorite of mine Youth Lagoon closing out the night, I couldn’t have been more excited. As expected, Youth Lagoon did not disappoint. A two piece band from Idaho, Youth Lagoon is a songwriting-heavy, shoegazy, tripped out version of Neil Young. After their show in the lobby of Canopy, I managed to get an exclusive interview with guitar player Logan Hyde: With American Spirit cigarette in hand, Logan Hyde of Youth Lagoon was kind to sit down for an interview with a strange kid wearing a fake mustache. Logan had politely declined said fake mustache moments earlier. TBS: So, Logan, what is your favorite color? LH: Purple.

To best understand my mindset upon going into Friday night, realize that I was drunk enough to adopt Dane Cook quote, “Fuck girls I just want to dance!” as my motto for the night. Which, based on what I saw from funky-as-hell, should-havebeen-born-black, they-are-that-funky dance rock band Cut Copy at Pitchfork over the summer, was the exact right mindset.

Opening the night was chillwave band Washed Out. While a funky-fresh performance, they played a substantially shorter set than the time they were allotted. Not enough material? Want to leave people wanting more? Divas? Too high? We’ll never know. Great set nonetheless. Following shortly after was, of course, Cut Copy, who put on one of the best parties of the weekend. The crowd was a bit slow in getting into it, it did not take long for some drunk asshole (whoever could that have been?) to get a few people to start jumping around, beginning the sexy domino effect that is a standard, sweaty Cut Copy show.

sunday

Sunday, the final day. Everybody was doing all of their leftover drugs and trying to get as much out of their drink wristbands as they could. Another show at the High Dive, Sunday featured extremely impressive shoegaze band The Pains of Being Pure at Heart. Other than possibly Explosion in the Sky, The Pains of Being Pure at Heart are probably the most likely of all the bands of the weekend to break it big in the next couple years. Two albums deep, Pains have been building quite a catalogue and reputation for themselves. But, will they stand up to the test of Pygmalion? Will they win the day? Find out in the next paragraph! Yeah! They were awesome! Opening for them was Champaign locals, Elsinore. Ironic mustaches and all, Elsinore did not disappoint their local audience. The Pains of Being Pure At Heart came on after and rocked the proverbial roof off the joint (Do kids still say these kinds of things?). I laughed, I cried, but in the end, I had a blast. Once again, Pygmalion did not disappoint in providing an amazing experience. It was prodigious, preternatural, and other words that you’ve probably never heard of.

TBS: Favorite dinosaur? LH: T-Rex. While his favorite dinosaur is admittedly lame, he was a nice enough guy. Following Youth Lagoon was Toro Y Moi. A funk-psychedelic group from South Carolina, Toro Y Moi is a proud purveyor of the new genre of “chillwave” which is so popular among the kids nowadays. Playing a great set with the best light show of the weekend, Toro Y Moi was a great closer for the night.

saturday

Saturday was by far my most anticipated day of the weekend. While the majority of the weekend was devoted to fun bands to dance around to, Saturday was the day to go and actually enjoy some really talented musicians. With the token punk rock band Japandroids, and personal favorite of mine, the experimental Deerhoof sure to put on some wild shows, Saturday was the day to be at the High Dive for some good music. Japandroids kicked some serious ass. Along with contemporaries Wavves and No Age, Japandroids are a minimalistic punk band who specialize in playing hard, fast, and without a care in the world. The audience was admittedly pretty lame (It took until the very last song for anybody to start moving around), the energy on stage was enough to get the blood boiling. After Japandroids was one of the greatest bands in the world, Deerhoof. You are not a man unless you like Deerhoof. Deerhoof is the one saving grace in a music scene filled with rich, apathetic baristas and Beatles wannabes. The members of Deerhoof are men of the highest caliber, which includes the female in the band. But yeah, they played great. The whole show felt very free and impromptu, like they weren't even trying.


21

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the interview

Dan Whitford of Cut Copy

The Australian electronic band Cut Copy has been blowing up in recent years, probably due to rave reviews from Pitchfork as well as picking up traction from the cool kids who follow the site. We got to chat with lead singer Dan Whitford a few days before their performance at the Pygmalion Music Festival in Champaign last weekend about electronic evolution, writing lyrics to classic songs and playing tennis against Franz Ferdinand. The Black Sheep: So you’ve been playing electronic music since 2001. How has the electronic music scene changed since? Dan Whitford: Like anything, music’s kind of a slave to fashion and trend as much as any art form. To me, it feels like electronic music has been welcomed more as a mainstream form of music at the start of 2000. I’d guess partly because we had come out of an era of music where sort of indie stuff was really what all the cool kids were into, and anything with synthesizers kind of went a little bit into a niche world for a while there. I felt like dance music and guitar based music were very separate things and I guess that was sort of the mission statement of what Cut Copy was about, being passionate about both pop music, guitar based indie music or whatever you want to call it and also being really inspired by synth based stuff, and club and dance records. So, I think over that period of time those things have come together very much and it’s interesting that there’s the whole scene in that States now based around Pitchfork and stuff put online by sites like that. We like both parts of that music equally and use them interchangeably, and it feels like our mission statement has been fulfilled in a lot of ways. The Black Sheep: So you’ve been playing electronic music since 2001. How has the electronic music scene changed since? Dan Whitford: Like anything, music’s kind of a slave to fashion and trend as much as any art form. To me, it feels like electronic music has been welcomed more as a mainstream form of music at the start of 2000. I’d guess partly because we had come out of an era of music where sort of indie stuff was really what all the cool kids were into, and anything with synthesizers kind of went a little bit into a niche world for a while there. I felt like dance music and guitar based music were very separate things and I guess that was sort of the mission statement of what Cut Copy was about, being passionate about both pop music, guitar based indie music or whatever you want to call it and also being really inspired by synth based stuff, and club and dance records. So, I think over that period of time those things have come together very much and it’s interesting that there’s the whole scene in that States now based around Pitchfork and stuff put online by sites like that. We like both parts of that music equally and use them interchangeably, and it feels like our mission statement has been fulfilled in a lot of ways. TBS: You guys do have such a great balance between using the synth samples and beats with the instruments that you play. Was it a natural collaboration of those two sounds? DW: It was tricky in a way because there really was no blueprint for that kind of combination. Finding a way to combine those things was the biggest challenge. For me it feels like fusion, one of the real dirty words in music, and I guess the idea of fusing synth and rock music probably could turn into something pretty bad. So thankfully we’ve found a really tasteful way of doing it and a way that was works for us and works for a lot of other people. It’s definitely not a mathematical operation, it very much goes by feel. TBS: Your music is super upbeat and fun to dance to, and it’s interesting because you’re from laid back Australia. Did that relaxed culture have an effect on the music you play now? DW: I think it has an effect on our personalities, I don’t know whether musically it did. Our music is a reflection of the music that we love. When I was starting out and being really passionate about music was about when The Avalanches were doing shows in Australia and just before they did their first album was when I first met them and came into contact with them, and I found their music really uplifting and inspiring and really upbeat as well. It almost felt like that sensation musically was something that I would like to express as well, in Cut Copy. In our own way, we felt like we were doing the same thing. TBS: You mention that The Avalanches were a big inspiration for you. What else inspires your music? DW: I think it’s a unique combination of stuff, just being inspired by different areas of music, art, film, just different things across the board. A lot comes from bands that we love. For instance Talking Heads, we listened to a lot of Talking Heads in making Zonoscope. It’s just a bit of a patchwork of our experiences and things that we’re inspired by and hopefully just our viewpoint in reinterpreting all of these things ends up being something unique even if really, at the end of the day, we’re just music fans.

TBS: Did you write the song “Need You Now” about somebody in particular? DW: One morning I sort of wrote the basis of that track, and had some synths and some keyboards and a drum machine and just kind of penned out the whole thing while I was waiting for Tim and Ben to meet me at my house. And in the few hours that I was waiting for them I ended up putting that track together and doing some quick vocals that sort of fit with it. And, essentially, the vocals were as it appears in the final track, I didn’t change the lyrics at all. So it wasn’t specifically written about someone, it just came off the top of my head that morning. But it fit so well, I couldn’t bring myself to change it. We tried a few alternatives but it just didn’t sound right. TBS: Man, that’s awesome. That’s such a good song, and it’s cool that it kind of came out of nowhere. DW: Yeah, and that’s one of the things I was worried about. I wouldn’t go so far as to say it’s a classic song but when you read about other people who’ve written classic songs often they say they do say it comes out of nowhere, or that the best songs happen really quickly and it’s almost as if it was meant to be. TBS: What else do you like to do when you aren’t playing music? DW: I like to get outdoors a bit, because I spend most of my time indoors when we’re touring. We have this thing we organized, before we started touring, where me, Mitchell and Ben from the band and various other musicians and DJs would play tennis against each other once a week. It got to the point that if there were touring bands or DJs that would be available, we’d get them to come down and play against us. TBS: What other bands have you guys gotten to play tennis with you? DW: We played against the guys from Franz Ferdinand when they were in Australia last, so that was pretty cool. TBS: Who won? DW: I think it was one set off, so we didn’t have a deciding set. They took the first set and we took the second, and I felt like we were going to come back and beat them, but it wasn’t on the scoreboard so it’s hard to say. TBS: Drink of choice? DW: These days I’ve been enjoying red wine before the show, I like a good Merlot. It’s nice, smooth, easy on the vocal cords and provides a good romantic, artistic vibe in the band room. Spirits can get you a little too wasted before the show.

jess sommers wrote this


( class time )

uck R n Ala

Gene

an

m Hack

DID YOU KNOW? DID YOU KNOW?

Do you know how two of our favorite alums are related? Figure it out, email us at 6degrees@theblacksheeponline, and the first 10 win a prize!

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