The Black Sheep
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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 1, Issue 13 11/29/12 -12/5/12
THAT FRESHMAN KID: FINALS EDITION SARAH CARDINALE wrote this
Finals are rolling around, and you know what that means... Absolutely everyone on campus is locking themselves in the library from now until December 15th to study their days and nights away, hoping that they may actually pass their classes. This should come as a surprise to absolutely no one, as the majority of South Carolina students never even went to class, with some opening a book for the first time since high school. However, there are quite a few standouts in the library mix – the freshmen. These are their first college final exams, and they’re all freaking out because the last “big test” they took was the SAT. If they know anything, and they don’t know a whole lot, they know that these exams are no high school finals. They are intense and hard and will steal away your soul for the teachers’ sick pleasure to put away in a tiny box of freshmen souls, to be treasured forever and ever, amen. There are two types of freshmen final study nerds; the one who studies alone, and the one who is overly excited, choosing instead to study in a massive group taking over two big tables at T-Coop, making a ton of noise, and pissing off everyone around them. The freshman who studies all alone creeps in a corner, scared shitless about Sociology 101. This frightened freshman will be found in one of those old desks in T-Coops depths, where there is no cell service so the little frosh can absorb all the necessary material to ace every final they face. You can find him or her in sweats, with greasy hair from not showering in days, eyes red and bloodshot, jacked up on all that Red Bull and Adderall, his little heart about to pop out of his chest. You can see her steadily twitching away, sweat dripping down her face as she panics, realizing there simply isn’t enough time to learn it all because let’s get real, this freshman was too busy gettin’ weird, Workaholics style, to bother going to class. She’ll end up not answering a single question on her stats final, instead simply writing “Sorry, I’ll
Pledges mistaken for zombies; Cause campus hysteria
try better next time,” only to turn their exam in a mere five minutes after receiving it. The group studier is the opposite of the lonely freshman mess. The group studier has it together. She went to every class, filed her notes by date, subject and annotation style, and organized every study group, this one being no exception. She has a final study group set up for each class with a general review outline perfectly color-coded in her USC assignment pad, with notes on which subjects should be
covered by which study group member. She shows up to the study sessions dressed up and with annoyingly perfect make up, along with a list of topics to study. Let’s face it, this freshman is the one no one likes, unless she helps you get that “A” you need to keep your parents off your back. So here’s to making fun and cracking jokes at the pathetic freshmen’s expense, and cheers to the near-end of the semester! Let’s all at least try to pass, so we can truly reward ourselves by getting wasted after our last final!
Top Ten Overdone Party Themes
Hell Week has them tired, hungry, and desperate to fit in.
South Carolina’s Swelling Secession Boner
The south will rise again! Penetrate the north! Unload our sea men on their shores!
The more you “party” like a redneck, the more you probably are a redneck.
contents page 5: from the streets What was the weirdest Halloween Costume you saw?
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? email@example.com
page 6: USC Students burn endangered Siberian tiger in “Tiger Burn”
PETA is PISSED!!!
page 11: we interview: nick waterhouse, the funky r&b californian.
page 12: bartender of the week Eddie from Delaney’s has the soul of a golden dragon.
page 13: Twilight vs Harry Potter It was an emotional battle, tears were lost, egos were bruised.
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word of the week quipster:
A person who uses outdated phrases in an attempt to be amusingly ironic.
“What do you mean you think I sound like an idiot? Well how ‘bout you just go talk to the hand, ‘cuz this face don’t wanna hear it?”
Pledges Mistaken for Zombies; Cause Campus Hysteria usc staff wrote this Screams and shrieks echoed across campus yesterday as people hid in hysteric fear of the zombie invasion happening throughout Columbia. According to numerous student accounts, zombies are taking over the campus and meandering around in packs, attempting to coexist with the student population. Reports of these so-called “zombies” roaming around campus have rolled into the Columbia Police Department for the past week or two. The walking undead look like your average student, but with all the qualities the undead possess. They have droopy, tired, lifeless eyes, and are constantly groaning and moaning as they drag themselves around from building to building. They’re dressed in blazers and khakis, wearing matching bow ties and all have matching emotionless expressions of pure sadness. They look hungry and cold and miserable, all pointing to one simple fact: they must be zombies. We were lucky to have one reporter on the scene, she witnessed these creatures at work and was truly frightened by their presence. She even swore that she witnessed one of the creatures attempting to take a bite out of someone’s hand as the student reached for a nearby hamburger. She also stated that these students had other zombie-like qualities, looking her straight in the eye while showing no emotion whatsoever. While some reports state that these undead creatures have been on the move throughout campus, intermingling and interacting with regular people, others state that these monsters are simply fraternity pledges, future potential brothers at fraternities on campus. Legend has it, this brain dead legion has to obey their elders to earn membership as brothers within the organization. According to one fraternity representative who wishes to remain anonymous, this is the time of the year that hell week occurs. Hell week is the hardest week of pledging, it consumes almost all of the members’ time and makes them work so hard and sleep so little that they do resemble the undead.
He’s offered advice to students fearful of the zombie-like pledges, and he warns that students should avoid them at all costs, as these pledges’ true misery may have proven they’ve lost all will to live. As a result, the pledges will not respond nicely to most human interaction. This unnamed campus fraternity representative also warns not go near the pledges with food, for they could potentially get violent and attempt to steal it, or simply eat it out of a student’s hands, risking infection. Also, do not sleep near or with one of them. The representative claims this simple rule exists for two purposes. First, in their sleep they exist in a “sleep-pledge” state, they will start having panic attacks and answering their phones, preparing to give rides, and then realize they only dreamed that they had duties to fulfill in that moment. Second, they’re freshmen, and they shouldn’t be getting laid. USC students, fear not, zombies are not taking over our campus, and no mysterious reports have been found that suggest students are being eaten alive. If there’s one thing to know about zombie hell week pledges, that is to steer clear of them until their hell week is over and they are finally initiated. It might save your life.
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From the Streets
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What was the weirdest Halloween costume you saw? “I saw a group of like four frat boys dress up like Nazis, they got the shit beat out of them by some Jewish kids. True story, it was hilarious.” - Mark
“All those f*ckers dressed like Gangnam Style. I don’t get that shit.” - Kevin
“One of my friends was an abortion survivor. He got all bloody and hung a coat hanger around his neck.” - Michael
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USC Students Burn Endangered Siberian Tiger in “Tiger Burn” usc staff wrote this The annual Tiger Burn usually goes down with minimal dispute regarding animal cruelty or the encouragement of violence, but this year things were a little different. The Tiger Burn occurs before the traditional Clemson game which falls inconveniently over Thanksgiving break every year. Students gather in a mob and watch as a large tiger float burns to the ground as a fiery representation of South Carolina students’ collective hate for Clemson. The Tiger Burn was different this year, as two undergraduate students at USC decided to break into the Riverbank Zoo and cause some mischief. The students began scheming months ago when they became volunteers at the zoo, feeding monkeys and cleaning up penguin feces. Gaining the trust of their fellow workers, they managed to obtain a spare key, copy it, and place it back before being noticed. The night before the planned Tiger Burn, the students snuck into the zoo and baited an endangered Siberian tiger into their Scion xB. From there they injected tiger with a strong tranquilizer, allowing the tiger to rest before waking to a nightmarish fate. When the night came, the students dragged the woozy tiger right behind the float. After the float tiger was engulfed in flames, the students publicly burned the animalnapped tiger in front of the mass of students. Students cheered, not realizing what was actually going on. Observer Tim Bryant had this to say on the matter, “It was sweet, seeing that ferocious animal go up in flames and start flailing and swinging at innocent students. Thank God I got it all on video!” Tim could safely watch as the front row of students screamed and panicked. When asked for a follow-up comment Bryant noted that, “In the end it’s better to burn out than to fade away.” The Siberian Tiger is currently endangered. Native to Eastern Russia, these tigers grow up to 7 feet long. They hunt large mammals and are extremely dangerous, unlike any characteristic of the Clemson football team. Clemson fans were enraged at the incident. They claimed that the hate for their school had gone too far. However, USC responded with the strong point that most of those farming majors will go on to butcher around 200 cocks a day, shipping them to Zaxby’s and Chick-fil-A.
PETA was on the scene within a few days. PETA President Ingrid Newkirk claimed, “These attacks on an endangered species are not tolerable. The students involved must be put to death by public guillotine execution so to be made an example of.” The PETA volunteers then began trying to light students on fire as an act of revenge. The group was not taken seriously thereafter, and was forced to give up on the cause. Newkirk cried out “We need to put a stop to cruelty towards endangered animals. But only if they are endangered, you can kill as many cows as you want because they aren’t cute and they taste delicious between two pieces of bread.” While it may be cruel to burn an endangered Siberian tiger as a representation of hatred towards Clemson, no one should be put to death for it. The two students in question learnt an important lesson: unless you are a quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons, you probably will not go to jail for cruelty towards animals, maybe just a hefty fine.
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The Top 10
Overdone Party Themes 10.) CEOs and Secretary Hos: For the guys, no one likes wearing a business suit downtown. And for girls, it’s really not all that sexy having to wear glasses and pull your hair back all night. This party theme only comes up in the last minute when guys are just thinking with their dicks. 9.) “Redneck”: This theme is done every weekend here in South Carolina, because we all have a little weird redneck living somewhere inside of all us Cocks. Still, with all the secessionist rhetoric floating around right now, it’s best that this theme die a quiet and quick death. 8.) Anything But Clothes: A lot of girls have a good time doing the “ABC” theme, but for guys, this one just doesn’t work. No man wants to wear anything but clothes unless he’s naked. 7.) Dress Your Date: This theme is one of the stupidest around. Yes, it’s cute and whatever to get to choose your date’s costume, but other than that, there’s no rhyme or reason to anything. Bill over there is dressed in drag, while Kevin is in a black tux. This isn’t a theme, people, this is chaos.
SOUTH CAROLINA’s swelling seccession boner Sarah Cardinale wrote this With the results of the 2012 presidential election proving unfavorable for many right wing Americans, quite a few states’ citizens have gone rouge, filing petitions with the Obama Administration to secede from the Union. Yeah, all Gettysburg-style and shit. So this means one thing and one thing only for the State of South Carolina: it’s on, it’s on like Donkey Kong. This state has literally been waiting YEARS to get another shot at this whole “rebel” thing. They never forgot the first time they f*cked it all up in the Civil War, and have been waiving rebel flags ever since. For years people from outside the South have labeled it’s remembrance of the past as “stupid,” or “moronic,” because hey, who would have really thought that this rickety old state had it in it for a second run at it? Well Obama has proved everybody wrong, splitting this country as bad as slavery did. What a weird coincidence this guy is black, it’s like racism hasn’t been extinguished yet. From last count, as many as 30 states - including our beautiful South Carolina - have sent in petitions for secession. However, each state is required to gather 25,000 citizen signatures before the Obama Administration can even consider looking at them, and this is pretending that the pencil pushers will even take these cries for freedom seriously, which they will not. Who wants to be that president who says “Oh yeah, I cut America in half”? No one, because that would suck. To even think that Obama will take this sort of thing seriously is totally out of the realm of any president, so South Carolina better start filling militias if this thing is really going to happen. Look for any posers with a “Don’t tread on me” flag stuck
to the back of his truck to start rebel yellin’ and whistlin’ Dixie. Oh, by the way, how is your hunting rifle faring against an F-22 Raptor? It’s going well? Yeah, didn’t think so. The petitions were filed through a program on the White House’s website, and more petitions have been rolling in as a result – petitions to strip citizens of their citizenship to the US and even petitions to exile citizens who file petitions to secede. It’s all turning into a game of one-upmanship, which is really productive in this current political climate. No, really. It is.
6.) America!!!: Whether this one’s whipped out on September 11th, Olympic season, Fourth of July or for no real reason, it’s been totally played out. We get it, we love our country and stupid American flag clothing is funny, but this theme makes us want to burn your duds alQaeda-style. 5.) Cops and Robbers: Grab a badge and some handcuffs ‘cause that’s all you can do with this one. No one wants to dress in prison orange or black and white bugler stripes, everyone knows horizontal stripes aren’t sexy. 4.) Famous Couples: While a good idea in theory, many famous couples are over-represented. We see enough Brad and Angelina on TMZ—same with Kim and Kanye—we don’t need to see your lame interpretation of them at a party that’s serving shitty beer. 3.) 80’s/90’s Party!: Both of these decades are way overdone, and partygoers dress the same for both. Girls sport generic neon and guys wear some old basketball jersey of some longretired player. Hah, guys! Remember how hot Kelly Kapowski was when she first hit TV? Us either, we weren’t even born yet. 2.) Hometown Party: Oh cool, a party where everyone wears NFL jerseys and their high school sweat shirts? Count us in! In 20 years we’ll all meet up with our new hometown attire—cripping depression and an addiction to bagged wine. See ya then!
Come on America, not everyone is going to be happy with their president, but this is getting ridiculous. We’ve already heard people around campus talking about rebel flags, Obama being a tyrant, Assassin’s Creed 3, and other rebellionthemed stuff. It doesn’t matter, South Carolinians couldn’t ACTUALLY start a rebellion if they tried. Really guys. Really. Be realistic. Having a half-black president is really pushing the southern states to the extreme end of these secession rumors, though. Rallies have gathered and people are attempting to recruit members to their cause via Facebook and Twitter with “THE SOUTH WILL RISE AGAIN” statuses and links to the petitions. Weird right? Politics is officially screwed now that half the country wants to rebel, so now is the perfect time to totally stop giving a shit. Even talking about rebelling from our government is really all quite ridiculous, really. For God’s sake, we live in the 21st century. Grow up, America!
1.) rAvE!!!1!!: Ever since the EDM boom in America started last year, rave parties have swept the nation. These things are lame, though. All you need for a rave party is some half-assed local DJ and a gram of molly getting passed around to 20 people. This theme is hardly fun, unless you really love being pressed against a crowd of sweaty freshmen on their first hard drug experience. Mommy must be so proud.
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A Party, Carol
(Apologies to Charles Dickens) By: Brendan
he show was dead to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. The DJ spun haplessly while the security looked onto the vacant dance floor happily. Carol had been to shows like this before, and she knew this one was dead in the water. Oh! But she was a pill-addled sound hound, Carol. She would chase MDMA with ketamine, washing down her cocktail with simultaneous hits from a nitrous tank and a bong. For this Carol was well-known in the rave scene, notorious for her love of intoxicants. Bros and hoes alike would recoil at the ghastly visage of dilated pupils and an ear-to-ear grin. But what did Carol care! It was the very thing she liked. To thrust herself into a crowded pit, with all human reckoning at a distance. She had a dozen hits of acid in her back pocket, a hitter rod, a gram of pure molly, a few bumps of coke and all the beer she could convince these loser boys to buy her. Just then Rob Crotchitch—a freshman whom Carol regularly saw at these events—scampered up. “You holding?” He asked, hopefully. “I suppose you’re not.” Carol uttered out of the side of her mouth. “If you have a hit—anything, I’ll take it.” “I don’t.” Crotchitch looked despondent, “Well, if anything does turn up, don’t forget about ole’ Robbie.” “Right,” Carol said as Rob scampered back into the fog-heavy darkness. When Carol was certain Rob could no longer see her she dashed to the restroom, set on getting her fix. Locking the stall door behind her, Carol fished in her pockets for her stash. “Get my drugs, will you, Rob?” she muttered under angry breath, “Not on my watch.” With that she swallowed everything in her possession, certain to enjoy her night alone. As she exited the bathroom Carol was shocked to see Rob Crotchitch. “What were you doing in there, Carol?” It was more accusation than question. “None of your business, Rob.” The interrogation continued, “Well then, what’s that white stuff under your nose?” Carol knew she was had. Choosing to drop any pretence of innocence, she came clean. “Yeah, so what? They’re mine. My drugs, my body.” “I’ve—I’ve,” he stammered, jaw on the floor, “I want to take psychoactives and go on adventures in my mind. I want to dance with pink elephants and talk to toad princes, and you, Carol, you’ve taken that away! A bad trip, that’s what I hope you have!” Rob danced back into the darkness. Carol stood for a moment in silence before letting out a cackle, certain to stare at a wall while contemplating the universe’s deepest secrets.
ome hours had passed by, loud music crawling over Carol’s body as she danced, blissfully unaware of
her surroundings. Then, in a moment her vision began to tunnel to a pinpoint. “Stay calm,” Carol thought to herself, “Keep breathing, you’ve been through this before.” Sure enough, the darkness retreated from her vision. Standing before her now was a small girl. Carol was concerned, muttering, “Little girl, what are you doing here?” “What are you doing here?” said the girl. Carol was growing suspicious. “I’m allowed to be here, you, on the other hand, it must be past your bedtime. Let’s go find a sec—“ “No Carol,” the little girl said, “what are you doing here? I’d guess a fair amount of MDMA, definitely some cocaine, and…acid?” Astonished, Carol replied, “How…what?” “Carol, I’m not a child. I’m the Ghost of Parties Past. I’d like to show you something.” Before she knew it, Carol’s vision was again narrowing, pulling back to reveal a sunny day in the back yard of her parents’ house. “Is this - ?” “Yes Carol, it is,” the ghost assured her. “And this isn’t just any old day. It’s July 30th, 1999.” “My seventh birthday?”
or something?” Carol snapped her head back at the Ghost of Parties Present saying, “That’s me!” before hearing it echo behind her moments later. “It most certainly is, but look again.” Carol did, and her shock slowly turned to embarrassment. She was staring blankly into the distance, muttering nonsense to an illusion no one else could see. Behind her were boys and girls pointing, sniggering, mocking a girl destined for YouTube shame.
“Like I said, two hours. I’m not going to let this wedding go to shit because you can’t get your head out of your own ass.” Carol’s mind started racing. She’d like to have gotten married a little earlier in life, but she couldn’t object to this. “Yes, the name’s Robert Crotchitch.” Her heart sank. She spun around to confront the Ghost of Parties Future.
The Ghost of Parties Present whispered, “This is what you defend?”
“Just what in the hell is this? There’s no way I’m marrying fuckin’ Rob Crotchitch.”
“I don’t have to answer to anyone, get me out of—“ Just then her vision began to go dim before snapping back. She turned her head intending to confront those standing behind her laughing. Instead, there stood a withered old woman taking a drag off of a cigarette.
“I know you’re not, just watch.” Soon enough out strolled a young 20-something woman. Beautiful, tall, lithe, she walked up to Robert and kissed him softly. Rob looked mildly distressed.
Just then a small girl ran outside, flitting left and right giggling, smiling, with cake frosting covering her face.
“Baby, I’m not supposed to see you until the ceremony.”
“Mom, look! Butterflies!” The young girl squealed.
“I’d have thought you’d have this figured out by now,” the woman ashed her cigarette on the floor.
“I know,” the model said, “but I just wanted to say again…”
“Well, can you just do the vision thing so we can get this over with?”
The ghost looked sadly at Carol. “Yes, your seventh birthday. Look at how carefree you are. Hopped up on nothing more than sugar and irrational love of butterflies, you’re enjoying life. No drugs, no beer, no vague nihilistic sense that everything is for naught.”
nd who the hell are you?”
Tears were welling up in Carol’s eyes but she fought them back, defending herself. “Yeah, but things are different now. Life’s different—it’s harder, I have class and work and things are just…different now.”
Moments later Carol found herself at the doorstep of a large mansion. Perfectly-manicured shrubs nestled up against an ark of a house. She turned around to see a driveway lined with unpronounceable Italian cars.
“Yes Carol, they are,” the Ghost of Parties Past said as Carol’s vision again began to tunnel.
“This doesn’t seem so bad.”
The Ghost of Parties Future agreed, “You’re right, let’s head inside.”
s Carol regained her vision there was a boy of her age dressed in a white collared shirt and black dress slacks standing in front of her. “And you are?” she asked flatly. She was getting the hang of this. “I’m the Ghost of Parties Present.” “I supposed you’re taking me to see some more butterflies or something, right?” Carol was getting annoyed. “Show me that everything’s still wonderful if you’re willing to just…I don’t know, be a moron who lets out her inner child, or something?” The Ghost of Parties Present remained calmly distant, “No Carol, I’d just like you to turn around.” She did, just in time to see an oddly familiar face saying, “…know, be a moron who lets out her inner child,
Carol and the apparition winded through endless hallways for what seemed like hours, never running into another soul. Finally, Carol heard some conversation in the distance.
Carol looked at the ghost, “What is the meaning of all this?” The Ghost of Parties Future lit up another menthol, sucking in a lungful of smoke. “Earlier tonight you denied Rob Crotchitch anything. Hurt, he left. Walking home he had an idea—a way to improve distribution models for pharmaceutical companies the world over. He threw himself into the idea. By the time he was 25 he was already worth hundreds of millions of dollars. He sold, retired early, and lives his dreams, all because you chose not to give him a hit of acid.” “But—“
“What? No. I said I needed you to make sure the roses were delivered this morning.”
“There’s no buts about it, Carol. While you burn out, he burns bright. You helped him get to where he is, no doubt, but he doesn’t owe you a damn thing.”
Carol smiled, she loved roses.
Carol was beginning to panic, “And what about me?”
“Listen, they need to be here in two hours or I’m simply not paying for them.”
“Not a damn thing…” the words rung in Carol’s ears as her vision again narrowed. When she came to she was lying in her bed. It was morning.
And he’s assertive. Carol looked at the ghost and smiled. The ghost looked grim. “Let’s keep walking,” she said. Soon they turned a corner. A man in his late forties continued to argue over the phone.
“I’m never doing drugs again,” she thought to herself. Moments later she sucked a hit of weed from a bowl, intent on napping away last night’s nightmare. “Well, no more drugs, starting tomorrow.”
Nick Waterhouse, a self-described California rhythm and blues man, knows his roots, and he funks the fuck out of them. On tour in Europe, he happily answered some of our questions about his breed of music. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: When it comes to songwriting, how do you approach it? Nick Waterhouse: I’ve found that some songs begin as larger, vague conceptions, like a fog, where I have this blob of rhythm and sounds, as well as concept or theme. Then I have to squint harder through the fog to figure it out. It’s almost like attempting to “remember” the parts, like I’m remembering something I never knew. It’s very close to the feeling of waking and trying to recall specifics of a dream. Once I’ve sorted that out, I find it’s often the rhythms that come about. I’ll have a rhythm or drum part with notes that often follow those in my mind. It’s the same with fragments of words. Some songs have lines that are years old that I’ve scratched somewhere that take on a different dimension. The material on Time’s All Gone, much of it was being prepared for live performance while I was developing it, so I would approach my musicians and say, “Drums, repeat this bit.” Then I’m having the bass do a figure that makes sense, or giving people chords to fall under. It’s really adding layers and layers after that, and following the changes I had mapped out before involving other people. TBS: When you’re recording a song does it have to be perfect before you’re happy with it, or do little flaws add a certain amount of honesty to the music? NW: Strangers tell me I make really over-perfect music, and strangers tell me I make really flawed music. What I will say is that I refuse to do anything until I feel it’s right, and only I know what that is. I really believe in an organic approach to performance and recording, but having high standards. TBS: You obviously have a lot of R&B/soul influences, how did you get interested in that kind of music? NW: People talk about how language works in the brain, and what your “native” inner voice is thinking in. I always heard things like Van Morrison, BB King, John Lee Hooker, Aretha Franklin, soul or R&B, whatever you’d like to call it, growing up. I also heard a lot of those sounds reflected in things that were rock and roll, whether it was Elvis Costello, Tom Petty, Kinks, Stones, whatever. You know, when you are 15 and you are fantasizing about performing “Daddy Rolling Stone” in a sweaty club, and not about winning a baseball game, or shredding guitar, or driving off in a new Mercedes with a babe, it’s the sort of a personal truth that might tell you where your heart is. TBS: Do you ever worry that your music may be -- for lack of a better term -- too old school for modern listeners? NW: I only worry about it when people want to talk to me about it. I really didn’t care when I made all the music you hear on the record. I really, really didn’t care because I am a modern person and I was making something that made absolute sense to me in the present -- which really had nothing to do with eras, and had a lot more to do with combination of personality, artistry, and craftsmanship. TBS: The “Some Place” video looked like it was a riot to make; any good stories come out of it? NW: The best part of that video was the fact that we ran out of fake champagne bottles in the rental limo scene, and had to do take after take of me with the real deal. By the end of that shoot it was definitely beyond method. TBS: For something like that video, is it actually fun to do, or is it work making it look like that much fun? NW: It is work unless you’re getting drunk. But then you’re drunk on champagne, not my favorite feeling, and having to continue shooting as your buzz wears off and the headache sets in. TBS: Your brand of music translates really well to a live show, but what’s your approach to live music? NW: Every song is a case-by-case basis, and should be performed as such. To me, one disconnect I have noticed is that I cut much of my album very live, so people are thrown by how much I manage to get the same sound in a live setting, almost as if they’ve been conditioned to expect less. The thing is, all the recordings were sung and played 110%, so if you get that live feeling, you shouldn’t feel cheated. TBS: What do you think is the best thing to happen to music in the last 10 years? NW: The internet. TBS: The worst? NW: What everyone did with the internet. The continued perpetuation of the same methods under the guise of liberation. Pitchfork is essentially the Castro regime of music culture -- they represent the largest potential promise of a new kind of society that became a dictatorship as bad as or worse than the one it replaced. TBS: What band did you like as a child that that today you’re like, “Really, Nick? Them?” NW: Reggie and the Full Effect. Adolescence was very confusing. TBS: If you could have a mythological creature as a pet, what would you choose and why? NW: Easy. Mermaid. It would be like I had Bimbo’s 365 club floor in my living room. Slightly erotic, not much cleanup. I’m really an ocean person at heart.
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
Killing Them Softly In Theaters November 30th Based off the 1974 novel Cogan’s Trade, this gangster crime film stars impossibly sexy Brad Pitt as a professional enforcer who investigates a heist that occurs during a high-stakes, mob-protected poker game. Assumedly lots of crime and shady business happens in-between the all star cast, featuring actors continuing to get rich off of Italian stereotypes, James Gandolfini and Ray Liotta. Award season, here they come!
Catfish: The TV Show Monday, December 3rd at 11pm on MTV Nev Shulman’s TV show brain-child (inspired by his own online relationship gone awry) showcases yet another couple who’ve developed a supposedly very real online relationship and are mad in love. In this episode, two young people are fittin’ to meet IRL after two years of hot and heaving texting. Will it be a catfish, or will it be true love?
Ke$ha - Warrior Out December 4th The glittery passed-out Princess of Pop seems to be turning a new leaf on her second studio album, Warrior. Coming off of a spiritual journey where she “just needed to play with animals,” Ke$ha came back to record a magical album that finally shows her relatively decent pipes. Listen to her lead single “Die Young,” and check out her Bob Dylan cover of “Don’t Think Twice, It’s Alright” to hear those impressive vocals.
bartender of the week eddie Delaney’s Speak Easy Delaney’s has many different varieties of beers, what’s your favorite: Yakima Glory by Victory is definitely one of my favorites. How long have you worked here: Nine months today. What’s your favorite story from working here: My dad’s roommate from college walked in and we talked about their time following garage bands’ concerts. It was pretty weird meeting him like that. After you get off of work, what is the first bar you go: Bar None every time. If you could be any color dragon, what color would you be: Probably a golden dragon. What is the best part about being a bartender here: The expertise with cocktails that is required to work here. I love actually making real cocktails for people, not just serving bourbon and Cokes all night. We have a huge variety of drinks and cocktails here so being behind the bar here can be really entertaining. What is the best night to find you here: Just about every night of the week.
the drinking game
The Name Game Sure, you may know a guy named Jeff or Dan or Bill, but who cares? They’re not famous. This game is a veritable who’s who of fame and fortune. So, yeah, you should know some celebs stepping into this. Or Jack Daniels. He’s nice too. Number of Players: As many Jane and John Does as you can fit at the table. What You Need: Beer, access to a celebrity gossip website. Intoxication Level: Robert Downey Jr., Danny DeVito drunk. How to Play: - The game begins with one player saying the name of a famous person. - The player to go next must say the name of a different famous person whose name begins with the first letter of the last name of the famous person just said. - While a person is thinking of a name they must be drinking, but if they are unable to think of a name they must finish the drink. To save yourself from this, bluff names can be made up, and if no one notices then the game continues. - Aliases may not be used. For example, “Ghostface Killah” would not be an acceptable answer, but “Dennis Coles” would. - Play goes on until beer runs out. - Below are additional rules added to spice up the game: - If a name is said that has the same letter for the first and last names then the direction of the game changes. - If someone says a single word name such as Usher or Raewkon then the next person is skipped. - If someone says a triple name, such as Sarah Jessica Parker, then everyone must drink. The Game Ends When: You start naming cast members from Weekend at Bernie’s II. (Terry Kiser!)
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Recipe for Disaster
Ooey Gooey Chocolate chief Brownies There’s nothing better than the good old-fashioned brownies that grandma used to make. Well, unless you mix some pot in it, too! Don’t let your conscience or DEA relative stop you from deliciousness. Waking and baking has never been so easy or tasty. What You’ll Need: 1 ounces unsweetened chocolate, 2 cups of pot butter, 2 cups white sugar, 3 eggs, 1 teaspoon vanilla extract, and 1 cup all-purpose flour. Cook Time: 35 minutes. Fatty Factor: Eating these might cause you to eat more brownies, you fatty fat. Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat oven to 350 degrees. - Microwave chocolate and pot butter in large bowl on high for 2 minutes or until butter is melted. - Stir until chocolate is melted. - Stir in sugar, eggs, vanilla, and flour. - Spread in greased 9 x 13 inch pan. - Bake for 35 minutes. You should bring these to your family’s Christmas dinner. Wouldn’t you love to see grandma ripped out of her mind? Sure, your mom would be upset, but seriously, can’t we, like, all just chill and get along?
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TWILIGHT VS. HARRY POTTER: FANS BATTLE IT OUT
Sarah Cardinale wrote this
On Thursday, November 15th fans of vampires, werewolves and other poorly-acted horror tropes lined up outside of theaters around Columbia with tickets they had purchased months in advance to see the last installment of the Twilight franchise, the capstone film, Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn: Part 2: The Colon’s Revenge: This Time.
induced injuries, the other 14 from blunt force trauma. The scene that broke loose at the AMC Dutch Square Theater was an epic battle of vampires vs. wizards, freaks everywhere dressed in costumes -- some wielding wands while others were covered head-to-toe in bad hair dye and sparkle powder that looked like it had been purchased at a Limited Too stuck in a 90s time warp.
This concludes a whirlwind few months for fang fans. Not only were these fans’ craving for vampires fulfilled, so was their love of Hollywood drama. With the Robsten (Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart) cheating scandal that broke this past summer, fans were even more eager to see the two clash on-screen, bringing an awkward end to a storied franchise. However, vampires are apparently forgiving, because the cheating hoe is back with her sparkly, blood-sucking man.
When both parties realized that they didn’t actually have any special powers, the fans took to hurling insults back and forth, escalating the disgust between the wizards and the vampires. One fan dressed up as Alice from Twilight was seen fleeing the theater, sobbing after being called a “bloody Hufflepuff!” The crying girl told us that she was once a diehard Potterhead, but switched into a vampire lover after a recent sex dream involving both a werewolf and a vampire.
The overwhelming reaction to the debut had Harry Potter fans everywhere worried that their franchise would lose its status as the premiere book-to-movie deal. Since Twilight reached new heights in popularity a few years ago, Harry Potter fans became threatened that Twilight would bury the various theater records set by the JK Rowling franchise. With all eight of the Harry Potter films completed, Potterheads have found themselves living in the past.
Another fan The Black Sheep caught up with was running around on a broom stick attempting to use the Cruciatus Curse on anyone wearing any Twilight apparel. She said she identified those fans by their gaudy Hot Topic jewelry. Luckily, the broom sticks were not used as weapons during the scene, only as forms of transportation. Sadly, none of them ever left the ground and the fight was kept fair.
All of these tensions culminated in a riot Thursday night in downtown Columbia, one that left 33 injured—19 from bite-
Additional emotional injuries were sustained by the integrity of the Twilight fans, who were ridiculed by the horde of Potterheads
throughout the night. Twilight fans were called names like “Fanglovers,” and “Pale f*ckers” among other not-so-creative insults. Lucky for the Potterheads, the Twilight fans were feeling especially emotional, even the slightest insult left them in tears. Early the next morning, the Columbia Police Department issued a statement claiming, “At this time we have no intention of prosecuting any belligerents who took part in last night’s riots. If grown adults want to pretend they’re mythical creatures, that’s their prerogative, no one arrested that Star Wars Kid for attempted assault, did they?”
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All nighter l i brary Drinking game You’ll be stuck in the library for the better part of this week. And if you’re not stuck in the library, you’ll be thinking about how you should be in the library studying instead of “taking a break before the next exam” by taking shots of absinthe up the keister. Never fear, with The Black Sheep’s Library Drinking Game, you can pull an all-nighter in the library while taking a booze break at the same time! No more guilt for you, it’s all good grades from here on out!
8 p.m. – 11 p.m.
3 a.m. – 5 a.m.
Take a drink for every fleeting feeling of confidence you have. Take a drink every time you think “I’ve got plenty of time!” Take drink when you think about regulating your caffeine intake. Take two drinks for every video you catch yourself watching instead of studying. Take two drinks every time you catch yourself deep in the random acquaintance area of Facebook. Take five drinks when you realize you’ve been here three hours and haven’t even opened your book.
Take a drink after “one chapter down, nine to go!” Take a drink when you realize you’re the only person in the library. Take a drink when it’s time to get another coffee. Take a drink when you have to “Just get up and walk around a little bit.” Take two drinks when you forlornly look out the window for twenty minutes. Take three drinks while having acidic, molten coffee craps. Finish your drink when you start heading home, then turn around and GET BACK IN THE GOD DAMN LIBRARY.
11 p.m. – 1 a.m.
5 a.m. – 8 a.m.
Take a drink when you finally open your book. Take a drink every time someone comes and goes from your table. Take two drinks if you decide you’ll concentrate better in one of those cube things. Take two drinks every time library security walks by. Take two drinks when you spend 10 minutes organizing iTunes. Finish your drink if you start spending more time asking around for Adderall than actually studying.
Take a drink when you decide it’s nap time, again. Take a drink when you hit snooze, then flip everyone off for glaring at you because your phone just blew up. Take two drinks when you write a “Genius sentence, the real kicker to this paper, the one that solidifies an A” but it’s the only sentence you’ve written so far. Take two drinks when a librarian tells you not to lean back in your chair. Finish your drink when you think “I studied drunk so that means I have to take the test drunk. Because science.”
1 a.m. – 3 a.m.
8 a.m. – test time
Take a drink when you think “Being drunk in the library is actually pretty fun!” Take a drink when you wake up with the pages of your book stuck you your face. Take a drink for every other person sleeping in the library. Take two drinks to wash down the third bag of Hot Cheetos you just bought from the vending machine. Take two drinks every time you start sweating. Take three drinks when you “accidentally” start looking at porn. Finish your drink when you start crafting a sob-story excuseemail to your professor.
Take a drink when you think “fuck school, man, life is for livin’”. Take a drink when the sun comes up. Take two drinks when an overwhelming, albeit false sense of accomplishment washes over you. Take two drinks when you realize there have been other students soberly plugging away for three straight days. Take three drinks when you see someone else from your class. (Four if they’re drunk too.) Take five drinks when you start walking to the wrong final. Finish your drink when your professor grants you permission to miss the final. Really finish your drink when you realize you now have to kill your grandma.
in the year 2000
Across 3) One of the official Olympic mascots was a native bird. 7) He lost to George W. 8) 2000 marked the start of a new this. 9) Sean Parker’s website that got sued by Metallica. 12) The fastest selling rap album of all time happened this year, by this white boy. 14) John Mellencamp received a Doctorate of Music from this university. 19) N*SYNC set a first-week sales record with this album. 20) This show gave us a glimpse into some ballin’ pads.
10) These Olympics were down under. 11) This country got second at the Olympics. 13) This pop princess won Best New Artist. 15) The Academy Award for Best Picture. 16) The Razz for Worst Film, starring Will, Will Smith. 17) Had the sketch “In The Year 2000.” 18) This artist changed his name back from his former unpronounceable symbol.
Down 1) This team won their third straight World Series championship. 2) This city won the Super Bowl. 4) This lady-focused TV channel launched in February. 5) Cory’s universe ended this year. 6) This artist won a record 8 Grammy’s in one night, tying Michael Jackson’s 1984 record.
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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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Published on Nov 28, 2012