The Black Sheep
Vol. 1, Issue 3
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
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11/7/13 - 11/20/13
Student Accepts Grandma’s Friend Request,
Immediately Regrets It BY: Black Sheep Staff
After a month of debate, freshman Brian Pullman accepted his grandmother’s Facebook friend request last week. Over the past seven days, Pullman has experienced the complete destruction of the flawless public image he meticulously crafted over the past decade. “I could have never anticipated that it would get this bad,” Pullman said dejectedly. “My reputation has completely tanked.” The friend request was sent after Pullman’s nineteenth birthday in September and after mounting pressure from his mother, he finally gave in and accepted her request. “She kept calling me asking why Brian hadn’t accepted the request, and I couldn’t take it anymore,” explained Pullman’s mother. “Finally I called him and asked him if that’s what he wanted his grandma’s last memories of him to be.” Pullman called this move a “cheap shot” and ultimately blames his mother for his social decline. “It was only an hour until I started regretting accepting her request,” Pullman said. “She commented “THIS REMINDS ME OF WHEN YOU WORE MY UNDERWEAR :)” on a picture of me in a bathing suit.” The comment currently has 31 likes and appears to be making a resurgence in the past couple days. When pressed to explain himself, Pullman replied, “I slept over at her house when I was five, and I forgot to bring clean underwear. Can we move on please?” Unfortunately for Pullman, the humiliation didn’t end there. Over the following days, his grandmother went through all of his pictures, liking nearly every one that had a girl in it and occasionally commenting, “HOPE YOU
ARE KEEPING IT CLEAN.” Scott Dithery, one of Pullman’s floormates, believes that Mrs. Pullman has revealed who Brian truly is and couldn’t be happier. “I used to be intimidated by that kid, but now he’s not even a blip on my radar,” Dithery said. “Did you hear that he wore his grandma’s panties? Unreal.” “Giving her my email address I the first place resulted in being forwarded stupid pictures and chain emails every day for three years,” Pullman complained. “Now my Newsfeed is cluttered with shared articles like ‘Obama is the Devil’ and ‘Shingles: An Inside Look.’” He reportedly told her he changed emails last year and gave her a fake to divert the spam, which many called “ethically questionable.” Unfortunately, Pullman made the mistake of not un-tagging himself in pictures with alcohol. When his grandmother found them she posted, ”LOOKS LIKE YOU’VE BEEN A BAD LITTLE BOY, BUT I WON’T TELL ON YOU.” Unsure of whether to be thankful that he wasn’t going to be ratted out or to be weirded out by being called a “bad little boy,” Pullman commented, “It just sounds too sexual.” “I also don’t think she knows how to turn off her caps lock, which amazes me since she’s had like 40 hours of computer classes at the library,” reported Pullman. Sources indicate that Mrs. Pullman in fact does know how to use caps lock but opts to use it so she sounds “jazzed” online. We reached out to Mrs. Pullman for answers regarding her Facebook activity. After being hung up on four times, because she was having trouble with her
“iTelephone,” Mrs. Pullman replied with, “I don’t know what all the fuss is about. The Facebook is just for fun! Brian needs lighten up. Oh, this reminds me of the time he peed his pants and cried about it for a week. It was so cute!”
However, the final straw was when his grandmother commented, “IS THIS THE GIRL YOU ALWAYS TALK ABOUT” on approximately 10 pictures of Pullman with various girls. Brian deleted his Facebook yesterday in an attempt to escape the vir-
Freshman Gets Caught in Pyramid Scheme
It’s not your fault your roommate’s single
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Confronting your roommate can be hard but, damn, he needs to chill.
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tual hell that has been licking at his heels for the past week. He can only hope that it all blows over and said he will probably reactivate it in a month or so, but he’ll “definitely be defriending that crazy old bat.”
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The Hold Steady frontman pens a James Joyce work widely considered an impossibility.
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Freddie Freshman Gets Caught Up in a
Pyramid Scheme By: Bob Rodriguez
Freddie recalled the fond memories of daydreaming while his Introduction to Philosophy professor spouted off about Friedrich Nietzsche being a total bro. It was in that very lecture hall, the one that smelled of Cool Ranch Doritos and mediocrity, where Freddie Freshman naively fell into the pyramid scheme that would destroy the very life he was attempting to create. He regretted ever entering “http://madwork4studentz.com” into his web browser, previously full of happy porn and happy times. They made everything seem so real, so lucrative. “Earn a promotion every five days! Trust us—you’ll be super rich and awesome! Future companies will throw their snatches at you when they see you have experience working with Sucktor Marketing! You know, your resume? The one that’s going to suck forever if you don’t work for us? Do it.” Before Freddie knew how to feel or what to think, he was forking over his last hard-earned $1,100 in cafeteria cash to the woman with a mustache he only knew as “Convincing Knife Lady.” Convincing Knife Lady talked fast and with a bit of a lisp, pressuring Freddie. “Time’s running out,” she’d tell him, “and you’re going to want to buy your knife kit before we hire someone else to take the hundreds of promotions and paychecks we’re prepared to give you depending on your upfront capital investments.” Freddie figured that Convincing Knife Lady had to be a good source for advice on life choices, since she was obviously well into her forties and high up on the Sucktor Marketing ladder, hiring only the best and brightest college students to sell such an expensive product. Soon things took a turn for the worse when Freddie learned he could only sell to people he knew. His family took out a second mortgage to buy Freddie’s knives. “Oh god, here he comes trying to sell us some goddamn knives again,” his friends thought every time Freddie showed up. Mr. Freshman began prostituting himself on the streets like a common hoodrat just to afford food to put on the table so that Mrs.
Freshman and Freddie’s little sister, Pre, could still have some happiness in their lives. Loan sharks began to call Mrs. Freshman day and night, heckling her until she broke down and told the tragic tale of her son becoming a victim of a pyramid scheme. Soon enough Freddie’s mother turned to the juice to comfort her pain, opening every liter of bottom-shelf merlot with her $50 Cutblow corkscrew. Freddie began attending his professors’ office hours in hopes of delivering a quick sales pitch. He had done everything perfectly—he cut a penny in half beautifully, he sawed straight through a soda can with finesse, he pretended to slice his hand open to show how wonderfully safe Cutblow knives are for children—but then something went horribly wrong. He was halfway through his knife juggling routine when the 9-1/2” Polynesian Chef model pierced into his right eye. His family became so desperate upon the arrival of Freddie’s hospital bills that Mr. Freshman turned street walking into family night. Freddie’s professors had been threatening him for months: Either stop soliciting innocent classmates and TAs or fail the class. The lengthy hospital stay put him even further behind, and he was forced to withdraw from the university. Last week we met up with Freddie to find out where he plans to go from here. Working at a Taco Bell Express that’s attached to a Kentucky Fried Chicken and a Pizza Hut, Freddie told us between bites of Double Downs and cheeseburger pizza that all his coworkers affectionately call him “Left Eye.” While Freddie’s dream of becoming the greatest college degree earning puppet master there ever was has faded, he remains hopeful and plans to take this opportunity to get closer to god. “I’m really thinking about getting into Scientology. Those guys seem to have a good thing goin’ on,” he stated, making us question even our own life choices, while wondering where Freddie Freshman will find himself in this crazy pyramid scheme we call life.
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Ways to Tell Exams have Destroyed You By: black sheep staff
10.) Nightmares: We’ve all had that dream where we show up to an exam we didn’t study for in our underwear. But we haven’t had the dream where the professor turns into Satan from South Park and eats your heart while your grandmother has sex with your TA on a pile of lactose intolerant geese. That’s just you. 9.) Inappropriate Reactions: If getting dumped makes you giggle, Christmas carols make you weep and hearing children laugh throws you into a suicidal rage, take a mental health day to recalibrate your feel-brain.
Humpday On Thursday:
The Tale of Throwback Thursday Gone Horribly Wrong By: black sheep staff Purdue freshmen Jack Goff and Willie Stroker thought their simple competition of “Throwback Thursday” one-ups were harmless — certainly a competition that wouldn’t lead to either of them dropping out of school. Then Goff and Stroker found themselves in a browser history that just couldn’t be deleted. It all began back during freshmen welcome week. Goff and Stroker were roommates and immediately became friends on every social network known to mankind. The first Thursday after classes started, Stroker posted a picture of himself playing peewee football for his first “#ThrowbackThursday” on his newly minted Instagram account. After seeing Stroker’s post, Goff posted his three-year-old self playing soccer, and tagged his new best friend Stroker. The following Thursday, Goff tagged Stroker in a picture of Goff’s ceremonial circumcision. Stroker was flabbergasted as to how he didn’t know Goff was Jewish, let alone how Goff could one up with such an early picture. However, after much controversy and confirmation from the rabbi who performed the ceremony, it was determined that Goff’s circumcision photos were accurate. The weekend after Goff’s infamous post, Stroker struck gold in an old photo album his parents’ attic. On Thursday, Stroker posted a picture of himself mid-birth. The picture of Stroker’s bloody head crowning in his mother’s vagina was enough to lose all of his Instagram followers except for Goff, who would not be out#ThrowbackThursdayed. Alas, Stroker was not prepared for Goff’s weekend find. Two minutes after the birth picture, Stroker got a notification that he’d been tagged in Goff’s newest picture. Stroker clicked the notification to find that Goff had uploaded a picture of his ultrasound when Goff’s mother was five weeks pregnant. Stroker left for the weekend in a fit of rage, a rage that was only fueled when the earliest ultrasound photo he found in his parents’ house was of Stroker’s mother at three months preg-
nant. Stroker knew he couldn’t lose, and he tore apart the house looking for the haymaker post, the most throwback picture he could find that would ultimately crown him king of the dorm. It was in this rage that Stroker found a box buried in his parents closet that read “home movies.” In the box, Stroker found a VHS tape with the label that read “June 28, 1994.” Stroker was surprised to find a VHS player still in his house but quickly popped it in the VCR anyway. The video had those weird VHS-lines running across the screen and the sound was muffled. Right when Stroker was about to give up hope, the video regained clarity. Sitting alone in his basement, Stoker was now watching his father pile drive his mother National Geographic style. His mother was screaming, “BREED ME!” and Stroker’s father acquiesced to her request. As he sat, face aglow by the old TV, the sight of his mom getting peen punched was enough to make Stroker want to rip out his eyes. All of the sudden Stroker came to the realization that June 28, 1994 was exactly nine months before his birth. Stroker was holding the videotape of not only the death of millions of his potential brothers and sisters, but the videotape of his conception. Thursday, November 7th, 2013 was like any other throwback Thursday for Goff; he sat in his 10 a.m. Statistics class and eagerly anticipated Stroker’s concession post. His phone buzzed, and he immediately clicked on the notification from Stroker. However, Goff’s triumph faded to shame as “BREED ME” rang out in the lecture hall. Goff sat in horror as he realized that he not only lost Throwback Thursday, but he was also going to be expelled for watching porn in class. As he had nothing left to lose, he decided to take down his parent porn-watching roommate and reposted Stroker’s conception all over Purdue’s social networks. Word spread like wildfire across campus as the class of 2017 learned of Stroker’s home movie, forcing Stroker to withdraw from school as his classmates all assumed he too had a wiener as tiny as his father’s.
8.) Drowsiness: It’s perfectly normal to need a nap after six exams over three days that you didn’t study for (Netflix, she is a treacherous siren). Knock yourself out. Except, don’t actually knock yourself out by downing four bottles of Nyquil and an entire turkey. That’s unhealthy. 7.) Nausea: If you wake up frequently with your head in the toilet and without your pants or phone in weird parts of West Lafayette you’ve never seen before, that’s a sign that midterms have ruined you. 6.) Hallucinations: The coffee pot is not talking to you. The coffee pot has never talked to you. What has happened in your life to make you believe your coffee pot when it tells you that your roommate has been licking your pillow? 5.) Dizziness: If you spent the last twenty minutes spinning around in your office chair as fast as you can and are now on the point of blacking out from the G-force and simultaneously vomiting on your face and the back of your head, check to see when your warranty expires. 4.) Memory Loss: “Hi, Mom. Yeah, I’m fine. I did just finish my midterms, yeah. How’d I do? Uh… I do not recall. No. Really. What are midterms? How’s Nana? What? Midterms? I don’t know that word. Huh? I don’t know. I don’t know. Yeah… I don’t know. Who is this?” 3.) Changes in Appetite: Are you eating an entire pizza in one sitting? Or putting nothing in your mouth but coffee and Red Bull? Or chewing on thumbtacks? All the Halloween candy in your apartment? Your own arm? Stress has a disruptive effect on metabolism, which can lead to changes in weight and appetite. So it’s not your fault you splurged on donuts. It’s Spanish’s fault.
2.) Suicidal Thoughts: Lying on the train tracks and waiting for death might seem like more fun than waiting for your bio-chem exam results, but that’s just because exams sap every ounce of will out of your body and replace it with misery. It’ll take a couple days and a Mel Brooks marathon to get your serotonin levels back to normal. 1.) Diarrhea: You knew eating an entire pizza in one sitting would have consequences. You knew, and you did it anyway. We hope you’re pleased with yourself.
Around campus send us your party pics to email@example.com
on the Streets If you could go back in time to exactly 1 year ago today and tell yourself something, what would it be?
man Adam, Fresh
“Get a lawyer’s number on speed dial.”
m o re Luke, Sopho
“Get on the waiting list for a liver transplant.”
r Jake, Senio
“Start growing that rockin’ mullet you’ve always wanted.”
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How to Tell Your Roommate
It’s Not Your Fault He’s Single By: David Zirinsky
The general premise sucks. You come to college, you’re finally an adult, paying for your own Netflix account and doing your own laundry, but you need to share a room with another person, just like you’re at camp. Living with a stranger in close quarters can be annoying, but it’s even worse when your roommate has some deep-seated girl issues. For most students, a roommates’ quirky habits include a strange affinity for My Little Pony, waking you up for 3a.m. yoga, or their obsession with watching porn on the impractically large desktop they brought to college. All these things are just a drop in the bucket compared to the roommate with lady issues who’ll constantly remind you he’s single. Everyone’s been single at one point, some longer than others, but he makes it your sad business to know the desperate woes of his love life, though you’d so much rather dedicate your mental energy toward your League of Legends rank. At first, your roommate may have started by just saying, “Hey you should find me a girl tonight,” as if you control the female gender in its entirety. You can’t even stand this guy’s habits, how are you supposed to find a woman who can? What’s worse is he’s always showering your female friends with compliments, but then gets weird when you two politely hint you need the room. Start by talking about the previous times you’ve brought people over to your room or apartment. You can only bring so many cute single friends over without putting up billboards and giving them free drinks; it’s not your fault your
roommate can’t manage to say one sentence to them. Seriously, talking to a girl isn’t like proposing marriage, or signing up for a lifetime membership to the Fruit of the Month Club. Just tell him to get his head out of his ass and say something. Tell him to have the generic name/year/major/ favorite-episode-of-Spongebob conversation that you’ve had a hundred times before. And by no means should he complain about who’s brought over, because the girls he’s brought over could be counted on an armless man’s fingers. This can also be a great segue into a conversation about housecleaning (as everyone knows, the ladies love a clean apartment). Guys will do all sorts of things if they think girls will like it. Make him surrender to cleaning up his filthy stuff. Remind him that no one is attracted to bed sheets that haven’t been washed in two months and have the kinds of stains only a lonely man’s bed sheets would know. Let him know that all of the dirty laundry and cheap liquor bottles that he insists he needs as decoration look unsightly to others. When discussing these matters, don’t be afraid to get creative with your phrasing, maybe try an accent or two. It’s also best if both of you are away from any blunt objects that can be used as weapons. You know, safety first. Confronting a roommate can be hard, but whether he does or doesn’t clean up his act you’ll begin to establish yourself as the alpha-male of this two man wolf-pack. On that note, The Black Sheep wishes you good luck on a conversation filled with an inordinate amount of uncomfortable eye contact. At least you don’t have to look at his sheets.
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The Bar Grid THE GOOSE IS LOOSE ALL NOVEMBER LONG! $1 OFF GREY GOOSE DRINKS $3.50 14oz GOOSE ISLAND 312 $4.50 20oz GOOSE ISLAND 312
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Drinking Game Rule Time
To be king for the day! To rule the world! To laugh at those under you and to crush your enemy with malice and vigor! Alas, you’re but another faceless drone in this wide, wacky world. Better play a game that makes you the boss. That’ll getcha’ your fix.
“But I don’t want to get up!” your brain cries as your alarm goes off at an unheard of 11:15a.m. It’s like, why even go to class if you’re not going to be well-rested? Ah, but with this all-in-one breakfast bonanza, you’ll replace sullen dread with abject resignation! Huzzah!
What You’ll Need: Beer, plebeians, a deck of cards. Number of Players: As many as you can fetch from your vast kingdom, but we suggest starting with three. Intoxication Level: You’re not the boss of me! How to Play: -All players sit around a table, one person is anointed the dealer. -Each person is dealt one card, face up. -The player with the low card for the round drinks one drink. -If two players are dealt the same card, each one drinks. -Kings are community cards, everyone drinks. -Aces are rule cards. A player dealt an ace makes a rule that is in effect until the deck runs out. -Rules are cumulative within the game, so by the end of a game, there should be four rules in place, for the four aces. -The dealer deals cards through the entire deck. After the cards run out, the deck is passed to the right and the rules are abolished. The Game Ends When: Those you’ve ground under your foot rise up to topple tyranny. Let freedom reign!
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What You’ll Need: Eggs, cheese, bacon bits. Cooking Time: 10 minutes, 8 if your professor counts tardies. Fatty Factor: Guys, it’s protein, not calories, okay? Let’s Get Baked: -Turn a burner on medium-high. -Crack 3 eggs into a bowl. Whisk them until they’re fully mixed. -Place a skillet on the burner, plop the eggs into the skillet. -Use a spatula to continuously move the eggy goodness around the skillet. -One the eggs start to coagulate, stir for, like twenty more seconds, but don’t let them get too hard. -Remove from heat, add 1.3 cup of bacon bits and as much cheese as you can handle. -Fold the cheese and bacon bits into the still-runny eggs as the residual heat from the pan finishes the cooking process. -Season with salt and pepper. Holy shit, eggs are awesome.
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The Secret Life of Walter Mitty
Release Date: November 22nd Synopsis: Down ‘n out Blue Collar Jones finds out he has 533 children as a result of a sperm donation mishap. By the Trailer: First, let us clear the air; Vince Vaughn does not mistakenly have sex with one of his daughters, just in case that’s what you were looking to get out of this movie. Nope, he decides what better way to give purpose to his purpose-less life than playing “guardian angel” to the 533 kids that he once ejaculated into a cup. Will he stop being such a down-and-out loser and find true love? Will he marry one or all of the mothers who thrust a turkey baster full of his baby batter into their v-holes? Will the kids all have perfectly solvable problems and not be addicted to sex or beat to death by their meth-addicted, spermdonation-accepting mothers? Probably, because this is a shitty cookie-cutter Vince Vaughn fish-out-of-water movie. If Owen Wilson doesn’t make an appearance we’ll be shocked. Truer Title: Vince Vaughn Needs Money: Quips! Quips Galore!
Release Date: November 15 Synopsis: After a vision of his dead mother sends Charlie to Bucharest, a death on the flight leads him to fall in love with a woman. By the Trailer: This is a little awkward, but the guy you’re sitting next to on this plane is kind of dead, and not to be too much trouble, but you’re going to have to tell his daughter that he died. No worries though, Charlie, because you’ll fall in love with her during one of the darkest periods of her life, but some worries, bro, because she’s unhappily married to a Romanian gangster and he will just…like, unceremoniously beat the shit out of you if you don’t stay away from her. But dude it’s also like, you’re in love, so keep getting punched in the face, or something. I don’t know, do whatever you want, it seems like you’re not great at making decisions; you keep letting dead people make them for you, which seems like a not-too-great plan to begin with. Truer Title: Death and Punching: A Love Story
Release Date: November 27th Synopsis: A former DEA agent moves his family to a quiet town, where he soon tangles with a local meth druglord. By the Trailer: Oye! It’s me, somehow-English DEA agent with a recently-dead wife Jason Statham here to tell you country yokels that them back country meth-smokin’ ways aren’t gonna intimidate me and my daughter who knows karate, because Jesus Christ, have you seen one of my movies before? No siree, Mr. kingpin James “Gator” Franco, I’m not one’a them pencil-pushin’ DEA wimps, I’m here with my shotgun and bad badass karate kicks to get all y’all in line. See, that’s what high-power hardasses like me do, we deal with our emotional issues by moving to some back-country shittown to silently brood until something sets us off; counseling is for wimps. Truer Title: Stereotypes, Guvnah!
Release Date: November 27th Synopsis: Guy gets held captive for twenty years, watches TV, is released, [insert the plot of Taken]. By the Trailer: Joseph Doucett wakes up in a tiny, inconspicuous bedroom and remains there for twenty years… but he doesn’t know why. He may or may not have killed his wife, but judging by how angry he is and because it’s a movie, he probably didn’t. Over the next twenty years he watches a bunch of TV, does some chin-ups, punches the wall a few times, and just gets really really mad about being locked up for so long without reason. Then whoever locked him up lets him out to go find his daughter (who is also being held captive now?), so of course he goes on a CrAzY killing spree. Then he finds his daughter and has sex with her. Just kidding! Or are we?! We are...? But he does have sex with someone! Truer Title: Taken 3: This Time the Dad Gets Taken
Release Date: December 25th Synopsis: Walter Mitty lives his life through daydreams until his job is threatened, sending him on an adventure worthy of the big screen. By the Trailer: Dude, your life kind of sucks. Your job in publishing is coming to an end, your boss is a dick, the girl you like doesn’t even notice you, and even your family thinks you’re a total weirdo. Thank god weirdos do weird things, though, because wow, you’re about to take part in a chain of events that is, like, totally in character for a mild-mannered guy like you. You know what Langston Hughes said, “Life is for the living. Death is for the dead. Let’s just do some completely implausible shit because the girl we like doesn’t like us back.” Truer Title: Unaffordable Adventure
Release Date: December 25th Synopsis: KEANU REEVES IS A PIRATE/NINJA/JEDI HOLY FUCK. By the Trailer: One “half breed” man is banished and sold into slavery. Then, the people who enslave him look to enslave more people, Keanu’s people. Keanu is the only one (we’re tapping our finger to our nose here, folks) who can prevent this from happening. Ipso facto the side he is fighting on only has an army of 47 and the army he’s fighting against is, like infinite soldiers who are different from his ragtag group of guys. Nope, those guys on the other side don’t have families at home or anything, feel nothing for them. Add in a metric dick-ton of special effects, and this movie is going to have us forgetting about Santa and all his slaves in favor of this Asian-ified super Matrix. Also, dragons. Also also, lightsaber Samurai swords. Truer Title: KEANU REEVES IS A PIRATE/NINJA/JEDI HOLY CRAP!
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