Page 1

Vol.5, Issue 2

The Black Sheep The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

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9/19/13 - 10/2/13

The Red and Blue Jungle BY: Knowlton Bourne The jungle, although crawling with an abundance of flora and fauna, is one of the most inhospitable environments known to man. These jungles are testaments to the incredible will to sustain life; they bring out the dark realities of survival and shed light on the incessant animal hunger that burns in the depths of the living. In essence, the jungle boils down to: kill or be killed, survival of the fittest and the basic survival instincts our species formed thousands of years ago. If you’re wondering whether this article is even the least bit Ole Miss-related, compare the wild labyrinths of the jungle to our campus’ parking lots and regulations. If you truly observe this comparison you’ll find that Ole Miss is indeed a jungle of its own.

“The extreme shortage in parking spots have stripped away our student body of everything society has equipped us with, from manners to courtesy.” A man clad in a loin cloth with the hide of a jaguar draped over his leathered back silently waits to strike. His eyes are full of a ravenous, animalistic hunger. Spear and instinct in hand, this savage observes his prey. In this case his prey is simple, it is a parking spot on campus. The eight-by-fifteen rectangle of asphalt is matter of life and death to this savage, a harbor for his peace of mind, transportation and a means of travel to class. Can he make it to class in time or will his instinct to park in the Tad Pad be thwarted due to the lack of parking spots provided? He winds through the rows of cars gritting his razor-sharp teeth, one eye on the parking lot, the other on his clock. The seconds quickly begin to dissolve as he realizes he will be late to class if he cannot find a place to store his vehicle, and soon.

This is what our campus’s parking limitations have turned our students into; beasts on the search for two white lines to slip their cars into and race to class. As more and more freshmen trickle onto our campus, the need to house motorized vehicles has become even greater. These sacred parking spots are in murderously high demand. The days of leaving ten minutes before class are over. No longer can you park your Jeep Cherokee in the Circle to race to Hume for your nine o’clock class. No longer can your Tahoe pop the curb in the Union to go grab some quick Subway. The days of easy parking are long gone. These parking regulations have forced the student body to constantly be on the prowl for sacred spots. If you find an empty spot in the Tad Pad, wrap your savage knuckles around that spot and hold on until they are ghost white with desperation. Sink your teeth into these spots and guard your sacred territory until your last breath has been expelled from your voracious body. The extreme shortage in parking spots have stripped away our student body of everything society has equipped us with, from manners to mere empathy. We are now nothing more than animals in the wild, constantly on the prowl for a place to park and run to class. So next time you are on your way to class, either leave a solid two hours before or just quit and go back to sleep. Remember, we have evolved from our basic state of animalistic instinct. If we as a species have made it to the moon, sculpted the marvelous Statue of David, and created Doritos Locos Tacos, then we beg you not to let this savage behavior consume you. Remember, we are humans, after all.

page 6

Top 10: Unknown Sports at Ole Miss Get off the couch and join a sport! Or keep reading this paper, we don’t care.

page 7

pages 10-11

On Sweating the Small Stuff

We Peruse the Fall TV Schedule

Grab a beer, sit down, and let’s address what we’ve let go on for far too long.

• Keep Up With Us! • @BlackSheep_OM • theblacksheeponline.com •

Who’s up for watching some kids cook way better than you ever will!?


>>

Meet the Staff <<

campus manager Knowlton Bourne

Distribution Manager Macon Humphries

Editorial manager Barney Thompson

campus director Brendan Bonham

Advertising Managers Naomi Kennedy, Sherry Poe Alex Brown

owner Atish Doshi

Writers Emily Parish, Barney Thompson Social media manager Robert Smith Promotions Manager Morgan Marie

Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Avenue Suite 1, Chicago, Illinois 60622 Contact Corporate: 217.390-1747 For Advertising: 608.712.0900

Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com

Disclaimer: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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You look so cute when you’re sleeping.

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An extended period in an academic year that rains down unnecessary school work onto a college student. “October’s my behemonth, man; I have 6 papers and 4 tests in a 3-week span.”

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The Black Sheep

Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @BlackSheep_OM and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!

Dense literary Jester has a brief interview with this hideous claymation man and his pup.


Around campus Send us your party pics from around campus to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

on the Streets If you were to pen an R&B song about the time you lost your virginity, what would it be titled? nior Madison, Se

“Let Me Blow Yo Mind.”

Trey, Junior

“Burnt Ramen and Semen Stains.”

r Matt, Senio

“Bump, Bump, Bump.”

05


so a jeep

runs into the bar

The

Top

Ten

Unknown Sports at Ole Miss

By: Emily Parish

By: Emily Parish

The morning of Thursday, September 12, Ole Miss woke up to the biggest campus-wide Twitter rampage since the Bloody Hotty Toddy Makeout Girl. The night before, the owner of The Corner Bar left his keys in his Jeep to run inside when the bar was closing. Friday the 13th came early for the owner because within a few minutes, a drunk girl had gotten inside, put the Jeep in gear, and driven through the front of the bar. Wherever Bloody Girl transferred, she’s thanking God that Corner Jeep Girl actually topped her.

You might have thought about joining a club sport or intramural team before, but you’ve never thought about joining these teams.

As usual, Ole Miss Twitter users had some impressively clever remarks about the situation:

10.) Intramur—what?: Most Ole Miss students are aware of Ole Miss intramural sports, but you might be surprised at the variety of games available. Whether you’re into some intense dodge ball or want to sink some real “battleships” in the Turner Center pool, there’s honestly, somehow, scarily enough, something for everyone. 9.) Soccer: Everyone knows about Ole Miss’s women’s soccer team, but have you heard of our men’s club team? Probably not. If you’re a guy that wants to play soccer for Ole Miss, and you aren’t into some reverse She’s the Man antics, you might want to look into joining the club soccer team.

*

8.) Lacrosse: If you’re from the south, you may not be familiar with lacrosse. It’s considered the national sport of Canada, and we’re all about ‘Merica down here. Case in point: there isn’t a single Mississippi native on the roster, so signing up will guarantee that you’ll meet some new people, probably some foreigners.

7.) Rugby: Hi kids, do you like violence? Rugby is a club sport at Ole Miss. Basically, the game is a more violent variation of American football. If you’re prone to getting into bar fights and looking for an outlet for all that pent-up testosterone and anger, rugby might be the sport for you. 6.) Ultimate Frisbee: Ultimate Frisbee is the best sport for people who want to exercise without feeling like they’re exercising. The girls’ and boys’ teams practice and travel together, so inter-team relationships are inevitable. So, come Valentine’s Day, get ready for the custom hearts that say “Frisbee Mine!” 5.) Karate: The Ole Miss Karate club meets inside the Residential College South, which is convenient for those of you that are also interested in joining the Anime Club, and it seems like those two groups would have some serious crossover. If you’re afraid of getting beat up at the bar by the rugby player, this may be the perfect club for you to join. 4.) Ice Hockey: This might be news to you, but Mississippi doesn’t exactly have a lot of ice. We do, however, have an ice hockey club team. You might be interested in joining this club if you have a love of beating Mississippi State in anything. State didn’t score a single point last season, and we’re ranked third in the SEC. Hotty Toddy to that. But not Hotty. You know what we’re getting at.

Corner Jeep Girl has been charged with grand theft auto, a DUI, and resisting arrest. She’s also responsible for paying damages to The Corner. Never fear though, Oxford; The Corner is not dead. Thursday night they were up and running once again with the front boarded up and the owner’s Jeep proudly on display outside. They even used the ordeal to their advantage and advertised $1 “BeepBeep” shots. Ultimately, we’re all just waiting to see what the crazy, drunk girls of Ole Miss will do next. It’ll be hard to top both Bloody Girl and Jeep Girl, but we know our Ole Miss girls will rise to the challenge. Good luck and may the tweets be ever in your favor. Follow @thecornerjeep for more laughs and breaking news regarding Corner Jeep Watch 2013.

06

3.) Cricket: Cricket isn’t a very popular sport in the United States. Usually if someone mentions “cricket,” they’re referring to the things that chirp after a lame joke. Ole Miss cricket team is pretty legit, though. They’re looking for serious cricket players that want to play professionally. No? No one? *Crickets* 2.) Fencing: Fencing is a sport based on European swordplay, which means you get to play with swords. That’s worth the $35 membership fee straight-up. Plus, it gives you an opportunity to say “touché’” without sounding like a pretentious asshole. 1.) Badminton: Badminton is not America’s strong suit at the Olympics, but Ole Miss has a huge badminton club. The game is a lot like tennis with a birdie instead of a ball, and it’s a fairly difficult game. If you aren’t interested in joining though, trying to pronounce the names on the roster makes for a fun drinking game.


read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com

on sweating the small stuff By: Barney thomspon A few weeks back into classes and you’ve realized that last year’s work load was nothing compared to your new schedule; hell, you slept last year. This constant exhaustion leaves you little more than a husk, a shell of yourself. Walking through Ole Miss, there are three specific things, vague notions, really, ping-ponging around in the empty void of your mind. Even more worrying, these three infinitesimal ideas seem to have a significant impact on your college years. Grab a beer, sit down, have a toke, and let’s address what we’ve let go on for far too long. Micro-managing your stride: Was that step too long? Are my arms swinging too much? No? Then they must be swinging too little. Have you had these thoughts? Yes. Should you have these thoughts? No. Not a single person actually cares what your gait looks like, except maybe the NSA. Everyone else is too focused on what they look like or that there’s no way--aside from Virgin Mary herself flying them across campus-- that they’ll make it from Lamar to Bishop in 5 minutes. Unfortunately for your class attendance, by the time you’ve done a complete redesign of how you walk, you’re fifteen minutes late and appear 45.7% more robotic, congratulations. In the end, it doesn’t matter how you walk to class, only that you actually make it into the class. Skipping class to avoid walking in late: It’s understandable, how could you possibly walk into class now? Everyone’s going to be looking at you and judging the super-lame way you walk, and no doubt the teacher is gonna curse your first born with some polio voodoo spell. It would just be better for everyone involved if you skipped class. Besides, you’ve been meaning to check out that new place on The Square and 2:15 p.m. is the perfect time for a sit down dinner. With tuition being the insane price it is, dealing with the slight discomfort of walking in late seems like a decent trade for not failing that jogging class a second time. Now that you’re in class, use your words: Aside from raising your classmates’ suspicions that you’re a sleeper cell awaiting activation, you’ve also got to answer at least a few questions to pass your participationbased discussion class. Instead of obsessing over the tone and inflection of how you’ll answer or ask your

question, think about all those poor dumb bastards, rambling on in front of the class as the teacher stares in confusion at how this young man’s childhood donkey relates to late 20th century economics. You’re clearly more intelligent than the average student, evident by your choice of reading material, so thrust that hand into the air and tell them what effect the industrial revolution had on America’s standard of living. Everyone’s freakin’ out about the same mildly neurotic things, so just chill out and be glad you’re not the guy with a dick drawn in Sharpie on your earlobe. If you feel like you’re the strange one out, just remember that somewhere out there is a guy wearing a black fedora, a matching leather duster, and a side bag full of Yu-Gi-Oh and My Little Pony trading cards. You could be worse off, like, way worse off.

07


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The Black Sheep Peruses

the Fall TV Schedule Don’t know about you, but we couldn’t be more excited for fall’s upcoming television series. TV, being a medium of propriety and constant self-improvement, has only continued to become more and more respected in the eyes of the public. And, really, it couldn’t be more important to us: sharing with you some of the best of what fall has to offer. Oh, this is so exhilarating! But enough of our gushing, this TV isn’t gonna watch itself! Now, let’s sit back and learn about what’s on the ol’ boob tube this fall…

1

Master Chef Junior (Friday, Sep. 27 at 8/7c on Fox) W-well okay. So, to start we have a show starring Gordon Ramsay and a bunch of children. Sounds like-well, it certainly sounds like an idea. Like Barney but with more chronic heartburn. Who is this show for? Kids? Probably not. Kids hate old British dudes. Adults? Probably not. Adults hate Gordon Ramsay. It’d be a lie to say that the show isn’t intriguing from a distance, however. What tools will Ramsay supply the kids with? Like, are the kids rationed out Easy-Bakes or are there really sharp knives everywhere or does Ramsay just not give a fuck? Has his culinary expertise actually caused him to acquire a taste for human flesh? Oh, God that would be such a delicious twist. It’s not going to happen, ‘cause “parent groups” and whatever. It’s also doubtful this series would be able to pull such a move with any dramatic tact whatsoever. What a shame. We were hoping the first show would really knock it out of the park. Oh, well. Let’s see what’s next.

By: Kevin Wise

1


2

3

Million Second Quiz (Monday, Sep. 9 at 8/7c on NBC) Huh. A game show. Okay, we’ll give this one a shot. Actually, the internet tells us this one already premiered. And no one liked it. Why, you ask? Well, it wasn’t because it was poorly made (although, certain technical problems suggest otherwise), but because it was too confusing. So, before we put on out basket hats and march into town, pitchforks ablaze, let’s see what the show’s website has to say for itself:

The story of several young people from around the world who represent the next stage in human evolution, possessing special powers, including the ability to teleport and communicate with each other telepathically. Together they work to defeat the forces of evil. – IMDB

Oh, okay. It’s in an hourglass. Cute. Wait, what does this even mean? The people in the MONEY CHAIR get money while they’re in the chair; that makes sense. But how long do they have to be there? Just the hour, right? For as long as the show is actually broadcast? And they’re just being asked random trivia? Like every quiz show ever? Could this just be called Quiz and no one would be the wiser? But they kidnap the people that win. And make them “survive” next to a giant hourglass in the middle of the city. That’s what makes it different? What the fuck is going on here?

Wait a minute. This sounds exactly like the movie Chronicle. And every X-Men thing ever. And Carrie. Is this what happens when CW tries to go toe-to-toe with ABC? Is this a response to Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.? Well, good job with that one, as it’s clear The Tomorrow People set out on cancelling Agents’ banality with its own. Oh. Oh! You think Agents might be rad? Quickly, recite your favorite superheroes from the past Marvel movies. Was it Hawkeye, the dude who uses a bow? What about Black Widow, the lady who kills people by being all sexy? The guy who collected Captain America trading cards? Did you like him? Well, then…yeah, you might dig Agents. God, what is with these shows, though? We just wanted a fun fall season. Where’s the creativity? Where’s the spunk? Hopefully in the next few shows. We’re not sure we can take much more of this.

4

5 4

5

6

Dracula (Friday, Oct. 25 at 10/9c on NBC) Ugh. Vampires. Vampires and werewolves. Twilight wasn’t good! Neither was True Blood! Stop it! Stop it all of you! For some reason, the overreaching awfulness of the genre feels like accepted fact, but the urge to state your dissatisfaction still bubbles in the back of your throat. Why is this happening? Who is the person in charge of these projects that truly has a passion for the modern vampire? Who are the people that are just eating this up? Spoiler: he bites people. He’s a vampire and he’s going to bite sexy lady necks while looking all sexy. Maybe, if we’re lucky, he’ll bite some sexy dude necks. And then he’s going to be all mysterious and totally charming at the same time. This can’t still be selling. Please, tell us the vampire well is running dry. Tell us the perversion of classic horror monsters is done. What’s next? Mummies? Is the infatuation pop culture has with fetishizing old-timey, horror-fiction bullshit ever going to fade away?

Witches of the East End (Sunday, Oct. 6 at 10/9c on Lifetime) Ugh. Witches. Witches and wizards. When does it end? It’s our fault, really. It’s not like every, single millennial didn’t memorize their Patronus at an early age. It’s not like we didn’t treat Wicked as the greatest thing since the wheel. And we enabled it all, just so we could vicariously live our dreams of being magic people. But enough’s enough. Magic isn’t magic anymore. It’s time to go home. Witches of the East End looks like Wizards of Waverly Place for adults, but, if you take the time to really look at that statement, you’ll realize how ludicrous it is. Perhaps the next show bucks this trend.

3

The Tomorrow People, huh? That’s what you got? Future Folks not good enough for you? Whatever, have your name, but know that it isn’t even enough to convey what the show is about. We assume it has something to do with watch manufacturers. Well, actually, The Tomorrow People is:

...‘ The Million Second Quiz’ is a…competition where contestants…battle each other in intense head-to-head bouts of trivia for 12 consecutive days and nights. The competition…will air in primetime, LIVE from a three-story hourglassshaped structure. Money is accumulated by sitting in the ‘[MONEY CHAIR]’ (note: NBC doesn’t capitalize this, but they really should) and answering trivia questions against a rival. The longer a contestant stays in the chair, the more money is added until he/she is defeated by a challenger. During the million seconds the top four players who have accumulated the largest amounts of money up to that point in the game will live next to the hourglass in ‘Winners’ Row’ and try to survive there until the million seconds are up. – NBC

2

The Tomorrow People (Wednesday, Oct. 9 at 9/8c on CW)

6

Sleepy Hollow (Monday, Sep. 16 at 9/8c on Fox) Well, fuck you too, TV.


famous jims ACROSS 1) President Jimmy, of the late 70s. 3) This Jimmy wants you to come on down to Margaritaville. 5) Jim Davis created this famous kitty cartoon. 6) Jim Morrison sang, “Come on baby, light my” what? 10) One of the headliners of Woodstock ‘69, two words. 11) This rapper’s biggest single was 2006’s “We Fly High,” two words. 12) Last name of Jim on The Office. 13) This Jimmy’s hit song was “The Middle,” two words. 15) Creator of Kermit the Frog, amongst others.

4) Former SNL cast member turned latenight talk show host. 5) This comedian’s most famous stand-up is King Baby. 7) British hottie Jim Sturgess played Jude in the 2007 film Across the what? 8) Guitarist and leader of Led Zeppelin, two words. 9) Former co-host of The Man Show. 14) Jim Carrey played this character in the successful 1998 film.

DOWN 1) This Jim’s most famous role was as Jesus in The Passion of the Christ. 2) Jim Parsons played this character on The Big Bang Theory. 2) Sean Connery is amongst many who played this famous James.

crossword

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Bartender of the Week Relationship Status: Single Major: Pre-Vet Biology with Chem

drunk on spring break and kissed a homeless man.

Favorite Drink: Woodford Reserve and Diet Coke Favorite Shot: Surfer on Acid

What word do you find strangely sexual?: Daddy

Disgusting Drink: Bar Mat Drink If you could have a pound of anything, what would you have a pound of?: Cheddar Are you a member of the Illuminati? Prove it: I’m not at liberty to discuss such matters.

Olivia

of Rooster’s Blues House

Drinking Game Breaking Booze With AMC’s Breaking Bad coming to an end, making a drinking game out of it was inevitable. However this game is not a celebration of the Emmy Award-winning series but rather a celebration of the fact that in a very short amount of time you will stop being asked, “So do you watch Breaking Bad?” So sit back, drink, and watch Heisenberg do what he does best … ruin everyone’s life that he comes in contact with. What You’ll Need: Beer, a TV and someone raving about Breaking Bad enough to convince you to watch it. Number of Players: However many can comfortably fit on your couch. Level of Intoxication: Casual How To Play: - Invite all your friends over on Sunday night to watch Breaking Bad. - When the show begins, drink when: - Jesse says, “Bitch!” If he says it more than twice in a sentence, finish your beer. - A commercial for Low Winter Sun comes on. - Someone destroys a phone. - Someone in the room says, “Skyler is bitch” or “Fuck Skyler.” So pretty much anything anyone says about Skyler. - Money is shown.

- Percent purity of meth is brought up. - Walt Jr. eats breakfast (drink double if it’s awkward). - Saul changes phones. - Marie says something annoying, which is every time she opens her mouth. - Walt lies. - Somebody says, “Why are all the woman characters so friggin’ awful on this show? Is Vince Gilligan a misogynist? Or he just pissed off about constantly being asked about his island and how the Skipper is?”

The Game Ends When: The episode ends. If you’re a real fan, play again for the second showing.

download our free app for all the games!

If you were alive in medieval England, what do you think you’d be doing with your life?: I’d be getting ratchet with the peasants.

What’s the most embarrassing thing your best friend’s ever done?: Got really

What word do you find strangely disturbing?: Pus What’s the nerdiest thing you did as a kid?: I used to wear Jncos, play Pokémon competitively, and was on the chess team. One time, you laughed so hard you…: cried and fell over into fetal position.

Recipe for disaster Morning-After Mixer Sometimes the previous night rears its ugly head the next morning in the form of nausea and migraine headaches. Lucky for you, we’ve compiled the best hangover cures to form an all-powerful hangover helper. What You’ll Need: A blender, two Tylenol, one bottle of purple Gatorade (it must be purple), orange juice, tomato juice, celery, a cup of black coffee, a greasy hamburger, 10-piece chicken nuggets, a can of beer, graham crackers, an Alka-Seltzer tablet, and pickle juice (an old Polish trick we learned from an alcoholic cleaning lady). Cook Time: 15 minutes Fatty Factor: You had like 10 beers last night, let’s cut the crap. Let’s Get Baked: - Set up your blender. Make sure it has a tightly-fitted cap; this is gonna get messy. - Start making the coffee as you start filling the blender. - Put the hamburger and chicken nuggets in the blender first, these will require the most blending. - Now throw in the graham crackers, Tylenol, orange and tomato juices, celery, purple Gatorade, pickle juice and beer. - When the coffee is finished, pour it into the blender. - Blend the ingredients on high until it has the texture of a runny shake and a brownish-green color. Mmm… - Drop the Alka-Seltzer tablet in. If it just sits on the top, push it down into the mixture. - Once it dissolves, drink it up! Your hangover is now ready to be vanquished! If you throw up while drinking it remember that it isn’t from the Morning-After Mixer, it’s because you drank too much last night, you jackass!

nomnomnomnom theblacksheeponline.com 13


Cryptography read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com


6 degrees of separation

Kendrick Lamar to

Dana Carvey These two are connected by 6 different people. if you know who, and how, tweet us @Blacksheep_OM First 3 right answers get a prize!


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Ole Miss - Issue 2 - 9/19/2013  

Ole Miss - Issue 2 - 9/19/2013

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