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Volume 1, Issue 1 | 8/18/11 - 9/7/11


Black Sheep

“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”

Going Outat ole miss monty miller wrote this So, fellow college-aged male, it’s a Friday night in our town. What are you going to do? Sit at home, baking cakes and watching The Biggest Loser on TiVo? Hells no! You’re planning on doing what every other person worth two shits is doing: “Going out.” That’s right, “going out,” arguably the most important activity you’ll ever partake in during your college career. If you’re asking yourself what that phrase means, then this article is not for you, nerd. Do you know what happens to nerds? Have you ever seen a movie with nerds in it? They get their asses beat by the cool guys, who then celebrate their victory by “going out.” But how exactly do you successfully participate in this so-called “going out?” I’m glad you asked. I’ll walk you through the steps. First things first, what are you going to wear? Well, if you want to be cool, you’ll wear exactly what everyone else is wearing at the bar. Text your friends and ask them about their prospective outfits. If they respond by saying they aren’t “going out,” delete their number. They’re obviously losers and not worth your time. Now that you’ve got your bar uniform on, it’s time to start preparing to go to the bar and drink. This means drinking at another location besides the bar. Counter-intuitive? Sure, but that’s not the point. The point is that everyone is doing it and that means you better do it, too. Don’t get too drunk to go to the bar though, fellow college-aged male, because then you’d have wasted all your time just to be that dumbass sitting on your friend’s couch with vomit trickling out of the side of your mouth. Moderately drunk yet? Seen enough skirts to really start craving some physical interaction with opposite sex? Good, that’s all part of the plan. All that’s left is for

Other stuff


04: Know Your Enemy: Campus Bikers

Proof positive that southern hospitality is on the outs.

you to find some way to actually physically get to the bar. Take whatever options are given to you here: walking, cycling, driving, boating, horseback, roller-blading, teleportation; it doesn’t matter just as long as you get there alive. So, you finally made it. You flashed your shitty fake ID to the bouncer and you’ve shimmied and squeezed your way through a bunch of people who look just like you (good job, by the way) to make it to the front of the bar. Get your money out because you’re going to be spending all of it, and I mean every single penny. Remember that whole bottle of liquor you bought earlier and how much it cost? Every single drink you buy is going to cost at least that much, but these are the sacrifices you’re going to have to make if you want people to think you’re not a nerd. However, there is a plus side to the exorbitant spending that you will have to do when ‘going out”: girls will see how much money you’re throwing down and will probably think “Hey, that guy is definitely not poor. I could definitely see myself having sex with him.” This will definitely happen, definitely.  When it does, you better be ready to act. Hopefully, when you roller-skated to the bar, you grabbed an extra pair just in case you met a lady-friend. If not, I hope you’re wealthy enough to still have money for a cab ride home after all the cosmos and appletinis you had to buy for that aforementioned lady-friend. Just whatever you do, don’t leave her alone, because you look the same as every other plastered horndog in that place and if you can’t even tell the difference, how is a lush like her going to? Keep these things in mind, fellow college-aged male, and you will succeed in “going out” and in life. Good luck to you.

06: 5 Things to Know Living in the Dorms Thankfully you only have to spend a year living in one.

16: 5 Shows You Should See This Fall

Who’s gonna be rockin’ out in Oxford?


Meet The Staff!

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campus manager Scott McVey editorial manager Lee Smith Advertising Managers Scott McVey Wes White marketing manager Morgan Monroe distribution Manager You? Writers Monty Miller J.B. Cole Connor Bailey Doug Mcdaniel Marcus Bell Lee Smith Chris Buck

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Back So Soon? A new school year is here, and with that comes the good and the bad. Pics of the Week If you send us nudity, we’ll print it. (Maybe.)

marketing team Scott McVey Reaghan Foley campus director Brendan Bonham Founders Scott McVey, Wes White, Brendan Bonham, Atish Doshi, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, and Jessica Sommers Questions?

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The Pains of Walking to Class You never thought your popularity would be such a burden. Recipe for Disaster Sound the horns, it’s Bugle Nachos!

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Nicktoons Nostalgia We think back and remember Rocko’s Modern Life.

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Crappy Fall Movie Guide: Everything coming out this fall looks like a pile of shit.

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Bartender of the Week

Philip at the Round Table is as handsome as he is witty

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Top 10: Manliest Movies We swear, The Notebook was number 11.

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Letter from the editor Hello fellow Students! I’m Scott McVey, the Campus Manager here at the Ole Miss branch of The Black Sheep. This paper prides itself on its debauchery and criminal record. We’re the guy in the leather jacket, covered in tattoos (our bodies – not the jacket) that your mom would never want to see you with, so you give us your virginity on the hood of your dad’s PT Cruiser. But unlike any usual butthole covered in tattoos, wearing a leather jacket, taking himself way too seriously, we’re not going to suddenly turn on you and take your sister to the prom instead of you just to get under your skin and teach you a lesson for trusting us. Your parents may have sent you to college to get an education and prepare you for the working world, but let’s be serious – you came to college to get laid and prepare yourself for the working world by unleashing every last scrap of your youth—to lay bare your naughtiest ideas— on this campus. If you land yourself in jail, we’ll have articles to tell you how to pay that bail and your lawyer without raising suspicions from your parents. When your ex-boyfriend is flirting with your new best friend in your sorority, we’ll have the articles teaching you how to properly sabotage the gruesome twosome without drawing any attention to yourself. Other papers can go on writing about the student elections and on-goings of budget cuts, but we’re gonna go ahead and keep writing about the stuff that actually applies to your life. And best of all, our content is written by Ole Miss students, for Ole Miss students, and it’s available every three weeks in print, updated daily at and can be accessed from a mobile application for all iPhones and Androids, but none of that janky non-smartphone stuff.

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So cheers to you and welcome to the best campus in the world. I just hope you all make it out alive. Scott McVey, Campus Manager

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know your enemy: campus bikers connor bailey wrote this

Nothing pisses me off as much as the lack of respect bikers on campus have for the rest of the student body commuting to and from class. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been known to ride my bike on campus from time to time, but some bikers act as though they are the law of the land riding around on their special sidewalks, which bikers treat as though they were paved with the sense of entitlement they so very obviously feel. This biker problem is an epidemic that we, as Oxford residents and Ole Miss students, have to deal with on an everyday basis. Just the other day I was in my car at a stop sign on campus. Right as it was my turn to go, I took my foot off the brake. Simultaneously, a biker, Mr. Asshole, decides not to slow down as he continues his full-speed trek across the perilous, white striped crosswalk that was provided for him. I know very well the rules regarding these crosswalks—everyone does—yet I can't seem to understand how someone could be so ignorant as to simply speed straight through without even hesitating before crossing. When driving, I'm always looking for someone else to make a mistake. Lucky for this fool, he took a gamble at the right time.

biplane ace, barely making the gap between you and the person ahead of you. It’s as if it’s an unspoken game to see how close they can get without hitting you as they fly by. Bikers treat pedestrians as if we’re walking cones that they can swerve in and out of.

"...their special sidewalks, which the bikers treat as though they were paved with the sense of entitlement they so very obviously feel."

Anyone that’s been on campus, even for a semester, knows very well that a striking majority of the people—students, teachers, homeless men in hijacked cars—driving around campus during the day are barely aware that they’re driving at all. Whether they’re texting or talking on their phone, messing with the radio, applying make-up, giving opposite road head, or whatever the hell else they put their mind to, the last thing the driver is paying attention to is the road. The crosswalk is practically a shooting gallery for the blind. Sure, you as the pedestrian have the right away, but you can never be sure until you look both ways. Apparently this isn’t the case for some bikers nowadays. It gets even worse when you ‘re on foot, walking around campus, minding your own business, and a biker comes weaving in like a hungover WWI

Well guess what, dude? Sometimes you hit a cone, and sometimes the cones hit back. Next time you bikers may not be so lucky. Someday a fed up pedestrian might have a stick up their sleeve, ready to jab in between the spokes of your front tire to give you a face full of concrete. We’ll see how fun your little game seems then. Maybe that will teach you to be more considerate the next time you decide to whiz by a group of people walking around campus. Not king of the sidewalk anymore, huh tough guy? “Epidemic” may be too strong of a word for describing those who look to infest our campus with their two-wheeled machines of death and hate, but if there’s a bunch of words, how about “really damn annoying”?

Hey Jeremy, remember that one time you thought the “F” in “DTF” stood for Frisbee? Keep asking the girls! -Mike Dear drunk-ass, despite popular belief, mouthing “let’s go upstairs and screw” is not the best tactic Myles, over under 12 freshmen this year? I'm taking the under, your game's been weak sauce lately. - Jon Neighbors, quit calling the cops on us, sorry we party Karen E. is the only person on campus who requires a leash Caitlyn S. “We don’t get drunk, we get awesome” - Love, the guys of 919 Anthony - If you tell anyone my natural color, I'll kill you. - Hannah Nick, this year better not be the same as last year when I moved in and caught you jerking it in my room. Seriously. -Kyle Lenz. I love you. To the boys outside watching the girls walk by during formal recruitment – they may be a 10 but you’re still a five. Shout out to all the people that can see me naked through my window! All the boys playing football during recruitment… yeah, not obvious at all.

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back so soon? As the commencement of a new school year is upon us, we’re all starting to descend upon the University with high hopes. Hopes of good grades (or getting off of academic probation), enticing the opposite sex with our new hairdo or spiffy shirts, and drinking large quantities of alcoholic beverages of any kind, particularly extremely cheap beer that comes cased in thirty packs and loads of liquor that would be better used as a cleaning agent. There are a few good things that come with the return of school, chief among them: leaving home.  Getting away from the oppression of parental authority is a much needed break from mom or dad telling you what to do all day, every day. Now, with a couple of hours of good highway and an “ignore call” button on your cell phone between you and the ‘rents, life can get weird again in a hurry.   Another good thing about the arrival of the fall semester is the daily use of the Student Union.  Chick-fil-A and Subway free to you, payed for with Disney Dollars, a.k.a. a meal plan, or the required flex dollars for each student every semester. Who needs fruits and vegetables when there’s deep-fried chicken and carbs galore at one’s disposal?! AND IT’S FREE! With the return of the fall semester is also the return of Rebel football, which means the Grove.  The Grove entails entirely too much whiskey drinking, hell raising, co-eds dressed to impress, and upperclassmen making fun of pledges in their customary blue blazers.  Oh yea, and maybe even remembering a few minutes of every game after hours of debauchery in the Grove and win-

J.B Cole wrote this ning a game here or there. And who could forget the Square?  Whether it is freshman trying to get into The Library with a fake ID, square pizza, late-night chicken-on-a-stick, or having nights out where you don’t know how you arrived in your bed, or the bed of a complete stranger. What you did to yourself, your friends or friendships, or to that complete stranger (were there two of them?) the night before? Good thing your friends are back as well, they can recount the dread and horror to you.   For every pro, though, there’s a con to go along with the start of a new school year.  The first (and worst) being the daily struggle of going to class.  If class itself isn’t bad enough, finding a parking spot is about as easy as being a Rhodes Scholar.  And for those who are residing in Stockard and Martin, the daily walk up the hellacious hill in the August heat will definitely make you reconsider regular class attendance.  And worst of all, the most unfortunate thing that the end of summer brings is a return to terrible traffic on campus and in Oxford.  Get a bike, pretend you are taking a nice stroll in the British countryside and get used to walking, or suffer while trying to find a place to park your vehicle, unless you plan on joining a biker gang and getting a Harley or zipping around on two wheels like a European on a moped.   Welcome back upperclassmen, and for the record number of freshman in attendance, hold on tight and try to make it through your first year in one piece.  


5 THINGS TO KNOW WHEN LIVING IN THE DORMS RANDY MARSH wrote this Sure the Department of Student Housing may give you a pamphlet—maybe a 20-minutes chat on dorm life—but then it’s off to discover the horrors of living with another grown man all by your damn self. They don’t let you in on the secrets, the keys to success in a new life you’re not used to. Fear not, reader! With this handy guide you’ll be the king of Stockhard in no time! 1.Take precautions before masturbating: While living in the dorm you sacrifice all personal space, so you should get a copy of your roommate’s class schedule. With this information you will know when you have enough time to stretch out, light a few candles, put on that Enya CD and go to your happy place.  Some other options are taking the liberties of your “me time” in the shower, or if you are really ready to mix things up, you can step out to the parking lot and put that Enya CD on in the privacy of your car. 2. Shower shoes are very important: The previously-mentioned masturbatory precautions bleed right into this second thing you should know about life in the dorms.  On your short journey from the doorway of your room to the community shower, you will inevitably trek through remnants of vomit and other mysterious substances left behind by the filthy inhabitants that surround you in dorm life.  But remember, the most important thing your shower shoes will protect you from are the bodily fluids of those people who have chosen to take the path of masturbating in the semi-privacy of the shower stalls.  So beware. 3. Be careful when smoking weed: If you don’t smoke weed, just give it about three or four months and you'll probably start.  Grab a can of Febreeze, stuff a towel in the crack at the bottom of your door and open up the window before you light up.  If you don’t feel comfortable smoking inside your dorm room, then you can always venture out to the parking lot, exchange that Enya CD in your car for a Radiohead

or Widespread Panic CD and hotbox yourself into a mellower state of existence. But beware of those pesky UPD officers on dirt bikes.  They’re quite sneaky and would love nothing more than to catch you toking up (or masturbating) in your car.   4. Conserve your flex dollars: One of the greatest perks of living in the dorm is the $200 of Monopoly Money (flex dollars) that you get each semester. I know it’ll be easy to go off on a weekend bender and find yourself inhaling three pizza sticks, a handful of egg rolls and all the chocolate milk the mind can fathom, but trust me, once you get into those waning days of the semester you’ll wish you still had this funny money at your disposal.    5. Know where the free condoms are: There are more reasons to go to the health center aside from feeling under the weather.  Of those reasons, the best is the fact that they have an unlimited supply of free condoms.  That’s right, you can just walk in, grab a handful, pay no attention to the looks of judgment you will inevitably receive from the nurses, and walk out with a smile on your face.  The only downside is that the condoms you get here are the cheap LifeStyles that have a distinct possibility of breaking on you.  If you want to get the good stuff, go to a US concert at the Levee.  They think it’s awesome to throw out handfuls of Trojans to all of the fans hopped up on tequila and hormones.  If you don’t know who US is, you surely will after a few Thursday nights at the Levee.   Take these five pieces of advice to heart, and you life in the dorms will be one of leisure.  Well, probably not, but take them to heart nonetheless, you hear me, frosh? 


How To: avoid awkward moments walking to class

Doug Mcdaniel wrote this

It's 8:55AM, you're running late for class, and you still have to stop by the library to print off a paper that’s due in five minutes. As you near the Phi Mu fountain you see someone approaching from the other side. Someone familiar...familiar in a bad way. It’s the guy who caused you to bomb your Marketing 351 group project sophomore year! You anxiously wait to see which side of the fountain they walk around and intentionally choose the opposite path. Nonetheless, they recognize you and give you an uber-friendly greeting. You rack your brain trying to recall their name, but the bad memories and the seething hate cause you to come up short and respond with a fake, overly enthusiastic "what's up dude?" to compensate. Scenarios like this occur on a daily basis in college. Since I was a sophomore the walk to and from class has always been one of the worst parts of my college experience. Like most other students, I have a few great friends, more “friends” friends, and hundreds of acquaintances at Ole Miss. With 13,000 undergraduate students wasting their days away on our bucolic campus, that’s a lot of running into people you kinda-sorta know. With people knowing people knowing people, does every random run-in merit a salutation every time you see them? Having debated that for the last three years I still don't have a clear answer, but it probably shouldn’t be the case. There are tricks one can learn to avoid these awkward situations. Ideally, it’s important to walk with as large a group of friends as you can muster. If you want to avoid someone approaching, position yourself in the group in a way that makes confrontation impossible. Stay engaged

in conversation with one of your buddies, or conveniently dip behind someone a little taller than you once you’ve spotted that guy whose hand you accidentally, awkwardly touched when you were both reaching for the same tap at Kevin’s last party. The number one no-no is walking to class by yourself. When you are alone you're a target. That kid who was on your baseball team in sixth grade and whose house you spent the night with one time will jump on this opportunity. If you’re forced to walk alone make sure you have your cell phone handy. Spot an awkward former one-nightstand from 200 yards away, but no chance of just heading in the other direction? Your best bet is to pull out your phone and fake a phone call. Fake conversations with Mr. Imagination are only awkward to the person having it—you—and if you’re quick enough to sprinkle some laughter into the conversation, well, people will think you’re having a lot more fun than you really are. If you feel uncomfortable talking to your imaginary friend, check your voicemail or call that number that tells you the time and weather. If you’re feeling congenial (and kinda wanna feel like you’re in the future) go ahead and speak to these awesomely-robotic voices. It’s a kind gesture, and they’re getting lonely anyway. They, whoever “they” are, say college is a time to learn and grow, to go out and interact with a brand new world you haven’t experienced before. Well, once you’ve done that you’ve realized that some of that interaction’s too much, and it’s okay to dodge that one guy who followed you home from the Levee.

"If you feel uncomfortable talking to your imaginary friend, check your voicemail or call that number that tells you the time and weather."

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Nicktoon of the Month: Rocko's Modern Life monty miller wrote this

Welcome to a brand new monthly feature here at The Black Sheep Ole Miss: “Nicktoon of the Month.” Once a month you and I shall dive into a different classic Nicktoon from the 1990s, and then, hopefully, we shall drown ourselves in the heartwarming and childlike nostalgia that surrounds the Nickelodeon of our childhood.In this inaugural edition, we will revisit “Rocko’s Modern Life” and learn to love it all over again. “Rocko’s Modern Life” is the story of an immigrant; someone who wanted a better life, someone who left everything behind and began again in America. Except this someone is a wallaby from Australia who’s best friends with a male cow with transsexual tendencies and a hypochondriac turtle with astigmatism. Sure, it sounds like a weird recipe for a children’s show, but as we revisit old school cartoons, we will begin to see that the common thread through all of them is a humor and sophistication years beyond their intended audience. Basically, there are just a boatload of sex and dick jokes in these shows. “Dick jokes, you say? Now I’m excited!”

The first question you have to ask yourself when watching one of these old Nicktoons is “What exactly IS this character?” You would think that this question would be easy to answer, but these cartoonists were doing some really weird shit back in the 90s and many of the characters we will discuss look almost nothing like what they are supposed to be representing. Our main character, Rocko, is a wallaby. If the first thing that word makes you think of are those tan, leather, moccasin-like shoes, then firstly, that’s a “Wallabee,” dumbass, and secondly, those shoes are terrible looking. Stop wearing them. The “wallaby” is basically a smaller, hyper, retarded cousin of the kangaroo. Both of those animals can only be found on the despicable continent of Australia, the home of dingoes and an entire population of citizens descended from evil, vicious, British criminals. Rocko, being a wallaby, is, of course, Australian, and being Australian, Rocko has an outrageously strong accent. Like Outback Steakhouse commercial strong. He immigrated to America after high school, and, throughout the show’s entire run, works as a cashier at comic book store. Obviously he was living the American dream to the fullest. Things start to getting weird once you start analyzing Rocko’s personality and characteristics. You could basically say that he’s a young, non-Jewish, marsupial version of Woody Allen. Most definitely a pathological cleaner and organizer, he is in a state of constant paranoia concerning the ongoings of his neighbors and whether they are planning something to ruin his cleanliness or, sometimes, his life. Which is rude. Speaking of Rocko’s neighbors and friends, they are the source of most of Rocko’s troubles, as well as most of the crazy sexual innuendo that appears in the show. Firstly, we have Filburt Turtle. I hope it’s not too hard to guess what kind of animal he is. According to his own verbal account, Filburt used to be a genius, a pro athlete, and a womanizer, but a failed relationship caused a severe mental breakdown which landed him in an institution for an extended period of that’s comforting. On the other side of Rocko’s house are the Bigheads, equally as bad a neighbor as Filburt, the reptilian psycho killer. I’m not really sure what the Bigheads are, possibly toads, but I do know

that they are terrifying. Ed, the man of the house, is an executive at Conglom-O-Corp, the biggest company in town; therefore, he is a total douche. He has worked at Conglom-O since at least 1961, but has never been promoted, so his being an asshole has some explanation. After he gets his manhood and self-esteem consistently demolished at work, Ed comes home to return the favor to his wife, Bev. She is your typical in-the-closet dominatrix. Seriously, they actually hint at her love for bondage and sadomasochism. That is demented on so many levels. Finally, we get to Heffer Wolfe, Rocko’s best friend and roommate. Heffer, a male cow, was raised from birth by wolves. His adopted parents fed him almost constantly, preparing him for eventual consumption, but ultimately they learn to live with him, giving Heffer a family that cares, but also making him morbidly obese at the same time. Oedipus Rex would call that a dysfunctional relationship. The subliminal messages delivered by these four characters are truly mind-blowing. Watching them now makes you realize why you think about sex all the time and think fart jokes are still funny: brainwashing from an early age. Rocko describes his favorite past time as “jacking.” Filburt pretends to be a woman on more than one occasion. Rocko, after getting fired from his job, is seen briefly holding a job as a phone-sex operator, where he is talking on the phone in a monotone voice, repeating the words, "Oh baby, oh baby, oh baby." Rocko later realizes that his customer is Mrs. Bighead, and both parties then hang up. I’m not making this shit up. And last but not least, one secret scene was cut out of a Rocko episode on account of its subject, and honestly, it’s so crude and weird I’m frightened by it’s existence alone. Here it goes: while Heffer is sleeping in a barn with cows, a farmer comes along, mistakes him for a cow, and "hooks him up" to an automated milking machine. After a few seconds of sucking sounds, crazy facial contortions, and stars in his eyes, Heffer orgasms. That’s right, a male cow ejaculates and O-face’s on a children’s cartoon. Welcome to Nicktoons in the 1990s, ladies and gentlemen!

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Bartender of the

Major: Marketing Status: In a relationship Favorite drink to make?: Fruit by the Phil favorite liquor to shoot straight?: Tequila Bang one, kill one, marry one: Lady Gaga, Hope Solo, Michele Bachmann: Bang Michele, Kill Gaga, Marry Hope Solo If you got a South Park cameo what would the episode be about?: The title of episode would be “Nightmare Jones.” Basically Freddy “Kruger” of the bar scene, I’ll creep up on you at the bar and haunt you for the rest of the night. describe yourself in three words: I can describe myself in two words – NIGHTMARE JONES FAVORITE PICK-UP LINE?: Hi I’m Jones, Nightmare Jones If there was a movie made about you, what actor would play the lead roll? Jim Carrey, I think he would be able to fit my personality Franklin and Bash or Memphis Beat?: I have not gotten the chance to see either one, but I would probably go with Franklin and Bash. Who is your favorite South Park Character: Randy Marsh What character do you hate the most in Entourage and why?: I would have to say E or Vince. This past season Vince became a little bitch and E has just always been one.

uger r K p i l i Ph canopy nd Table The Rouclub drinking game:



recipe for disaster:

Bugle Nachos

Are you willing to bet your laundry money on your quarters skills? If you are, stacks will appeal to you, kinda like that four-toothed hottie you stalk at the laundromat.

Bugles, the highly addictive salty treat, are a versatile snack. Much like a blank canvas, Bugles can be dressed up in lovely ways. Here is one of those wonderful ways.

Number of Players: At least two. What You Need: A bunch of quarters and some beers. Intoxication Level: That pre-teen’s gonna look stacked.

What You’ll Need: Nacho Cheese Bugles, queso, shredded cheese, ground beef. Cook Time: About 15 minutes Fatty Factor: 100% of your recommended daily sodium intake is an understatement.

How to Play: -Stacks is played on a standard table, have all players sit around the table. -Place one quarter in the center of the table. -Each player takes turns attempting to bounce another quarter so it lands on top of the quarter in the middle of the table. -If a quarter stops and is touching the center quarter, the player doesn’t have to drink. Stack the touching quarter on top of the middle quarter. -The game continues in this manner. If a player misses the quarter, they must drink. If the player’s quarter ends up touching the quarter (or stack of quarters), place it on top. -As the stack grows, the game becomes more difficult. -If the stack falls, the player causing it must drink one drink for every quarter in the stack. The Game Ends When: The group decides to put the quarters towards a Taco Bell feast.

thirsty for more?

Let’s Get Baked: - Cook up the ground beef on the stove top. Add in some delicious spices. - Warm up some queso in the microwave, but it only has to be lukewarm. - With a spoon, fill each Bugle with queso. Put them on a plate like nachos. - Add the ground beef on top of the Bugles. Sprinkle with shredded cheese, then pop it in the microwave to melt the cheese, about 45 seconds. - Of course, you can add any amount of nacho accessories; green onions, black olives, jalapenos, salsa, guacamole, sour cream… mmmm. You can always make double or triple layer nachos, depending on how patient you are with filling the Bugles precisely with queso. Also try dipping the Bugles into the queso. This way, you’ll get most of the queso on your fingers, which you can then decadently lick off.


the movie page Fall 2011 Crappy Movie Guide

We were going to do an actual fall movie guide, but when we looked at the release schedule we couldn’t help but think, “holy shit, all of these movies look terrible.” Hey, gotta do what the market dictates, right? By: Brendan

Title: Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star Release Date: September 9th Starring: Nick Swardson, Christina Ricci, Don Johnson Why It’s Gonna Suck: Look, Nick Swardson seems like a nice enough guy. His stand-up is pretty funny, and he was genuinely hilarious in Grandma’s Boy, but the rest of his filmography includes such classics as 30 Minutes or Less, You Don’t Mess with the Zohan, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry and his (7 episode long) TV series Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time. What is this dude doing starring in a movie, again? Scene Guaranteed to Happen: The camera cuts quickly to everyone in the room just after Swardson makes some sort of thinly-veiled allusion to Bucky’s homosexuality. Disgusting Thing I’d Rather Do Than See This Movie: Lick pus from an oozing foot blister. Title: Abduction Release Date: September 23rd Starring: Taylor Lautner, Lily Collins (daughter of Phil Collins!) Why It’s Gonna Suck: The tagline for the movie is “The fight for the truth will be the fight of his life.” He’s not Martin Luther King Jr. people, he’s a shitty, emotionally void actor who finally gets to fire a gun instead of shape shifting into a werewolf. Scene Guaranteed to Happen: A low-angle camera circles a shirtless Taylor Lautner as he stares menacingly into the distance, gun in hand. Disgusting Thing I’d Rather Do Than See This Movie: Inject baby shit into my own ass with a turkey baster.

Title: Dolphin Tale Release Date: September 23rd Starring: Morgan Freeman, Ashley Judd, Harry Connick Jr., a dolphin Why It’s Gonna Suck: A heartwarming tale about a dolphin losing its tail? Puns in the title? Harry Connick Jr.? Dolphin Tale has “schlockfest” written all over it. Expect life lessons about friendship, social responsibility and questionable movie roles (why, Morgan Freeman?) all up in your grill, because every time a dolphin gets caught in a tuna net, it’s your fault, you filthy consumer piece of shit. Scene Guaranteed to Happen: An emotional moment is had by all when the dolphin, new tail in hand, breaches the water in a display of friendship with the young protagonist. Disgusting Thing I’d Rather Do Than See This Movie: Your mom. Boosh. Title: Real Steel Release Date: October 7th Starring: Hugh Jackman, Evangeline Lilly, robot boxers Why It’s Gonna Suck: Because for some reason this movie will have a plot. A stupid, contrived plot. Down-on-his-luck Jackman meets a kid that inspires him to get back into the ole’ robot fightin’ game? No. Robots punching each other? Yes. It doesn’t matter how much robot fighting is in this movie, unless there’s 8 hours of clobberin’, there needs to be more metal-on-metal action. Scene Guaranteed to Happen: An absolutely ridiculous montage featuring Hugh Jackman teaching a robot how to box. Disgusting Thing I’d Rather Do Than See This Movie: Eat a random item out of a Planned Parenthood dumpster. Title: The Three Musketeers Release Date: October 21st Starring: Orlando Bloom, Christoph Waltz, Milla Jovovich Why It’s Gonna Suck: The first two sentences of the film’s Wikipedia entry note The Three Musketeers is a “steampunkinfluenced reinterpretation…shot in 3D.” My god, you can practically see the studio execs massaging their boners as they think about the buzzwords attached to the flick. “Hey, Harvey, do you think the synergy between a steampunk movie shot in 3D and the vertical collaterals of a burgeoning franchise will get us each another bathtub full of money?” “I dunno, Lewis, would you like to suck my dick while I think about it?” Scene Guaranteed to Happen: Some weird steam-powered flying contraption zips out into the audience. Disgusting Thing I’d Rather Do Than See This Movie: Go down a Slip N’ Slide full of an obese family’s taint sweat.


the MUSIC page

The Black Sheep Interviews: John (but not Peter or Bjorn) Like that IKEA where you bought your scummy dorm futon, Swedish indie rockers Peter Bjorn and John are pretty damn big, and they’re all over America. The trio is kicking off their All You Can Eat tour in Chicago (where they’ll be playing four shows between August 24th and August 29th), with dates across the nation until they wrap up in San Francisco on October 8th. Drummer John Eriksson was kind enough to let us interview him. What a handsome gentleman. The Black Sheep: How did having a hit like "Young Folks" change your approach to writing songs for Gimme Some? John: I think we’re 50% "screw it" and 50% "let’s not screw it up." Having a hit in the genre of "indie-pop" --or whatever we are-- could be a bit like if the most popular dish at a steakhouse was fish, in other words, "confusing." For us "the hit" works like a carrot on a stick, "Young Folks" has a life of its own and that is what you want to happen to all of the songs you write. We wanna make evergreens, classic fucking pop songs that will last forever, and we try to do that all the time. Sometimes we fail, of course, but on Gimme Some we think that there are some pretty decent ones, for sure.


Out Now

JAY Z / Kanye West Watch the Throne


what's the big deal about a throne, anyway? Guys, life just isn’t fair sometimes. While some of us are begging our parents for new North Faces (that vomit smell just never really goes away), others are wistfully requesting a stainless steel mini-fridge and a bitchin’ new TV. You may glare at these people as they move into your dorm or apartment complex, hating how new their shoes look and how carefree they are. But later that night, when that mini-fridge is hosting a bunch of cold, free booze and that TV is pumping out some quality music videos, you realize that you really wouldn’t mind being friends with these people. Sure, comparing some over-privileged 20-something boys doesn’t really work when comparing them to two insanely successful rappers like Jay-Z and Kanye West but, damn it, I want to be their friends, too. And it only makes sense that two of the biggest of all time would collaborate on Watch the Throne just to show off how fucking cool, popular, and loaded they are. They tell us, “Hey, you minions down there! Watch that throne there, because our asses are going to be in it because we are the greatest rappers/people alive.” Well, then. There’s no doubt that they are great rappers, but do they live up to their own hype? It’d be easy to look at the couple of really awesome songs on this album and write it off as stellar. The intro song “No Church in the Wild” conveniently features buzz-rapper Frank Ocean of OFWGKTA, whose talent

is actually showcased as opposed to just some wacky antics of his usual rap collective. “Otis,” the first single, samples Otis Redding and gives the listener an immediate sense of hearing something great, simply because it’s not the same ole’ DJ-produced beats in the background. Both Jay and West’s lyrics are so smooth, quotable and onpoint that this song is the perfect blend of vintage beats and witty 20th century lyrics; “Luxury rap, the Hermes of verses / sophisticated ignorance, write my curses in cursive.” Of course, we can all laugh at some of the misses on this album. Beyonce’s pathetic yet well-intentioned attempt in “Lift Off” makes me think she begged J to give her a sample in his cool new album (sorry, B.) A lot of the songs on Watch the Throne are easily missed, though; generic beats, fast rapping and Kanye’s signature grunting just blends about half of the album together. While the not-so-good songs make the really-good-songs that much better, it’s strange how the tracks on this album range from amazing to just plain. Whatever, I only use them for their loud bass and their free beer, anyway. SOUNDS LIKE: Dulled down gold grills. DOWNLOAD: Otis, No Church in the Wild, Made in America LISTEN TO IT WHEN: You’re playing “Otis” on repeat at a welcome week party.

>>> UPCOMING RELEASES The Game - The R.E.D. Album Patti Smith – Outside Society Sonic Youth – Hits Are For Squares Black Tide – Post Mortem

Red Hot Chili Peppers – I’m With You Cobra Starship – Night Shades Beirut – The Rip Tide Lenny Kravitz – Black and White America

TBS: What's the creative process for you guys? Like, talk me through how you get an idea for a song to how you get a finished product. John: Things start when I’m on tour, walking the streets of some city like Chicago and a melody starts playing in my brain. I’ll pick up my smartphone and record the melody. Then, when I get back to Sweden I’ll go back to the smartphone for the melodies and the lyrics or notes I made for it. I use that to build a song. Three months later I’ll make a demo and sent it off to Peter and Bjorn, we’ll meet in some deserted cellar and rehearse it for 30 or 40 minutes. Eventually we’ll book a studio with some decent mics, walk into a studio and spend 8 or so hours recording a song. Of course the song gets changed like, 6 times. After a few beers and some more mixing we’ll like how it sounds, and we’ll head to mixing (the most mysterious part of the creation). We’ll fight over the mix for a while, and a few weeks later it’ll be finished, we’ll master it and it’ll be ready for a person’s ears. TBS: Can you talk about the differences, if any, in touring different countries or continents? Can you make--or speak in-- generalities about venues and shows in different parts of the world, or is that just a myopic point of view from an ill-traveled interviewer? John: People are more or less quite similar all over the world, believe it or not. The biggest difference — and the stuff that will affect the show — is the way the stage works and what kind of food you eat before playing. (And we have eaten much better stuff in Texas than in France). During our upcoming US tour we want to explore those differences even more. In Chicago, for instance, we play at like four different venues during one week. We had this idea that people could get a super ticket and go to all of the shows, we want it to be like a big PB&J buffet, hopefully no one will throw up afterwards. TBS: You've shown a lot of support for hip-hop, and hip-hop artists have shown a lot of love to you. Why do you think your music lends itself so well to that genre? John: I think it’s because the drums and the beats in our music are so awesome. (Editor’s note: Because John is the drummer, you see.) TBS: When you're not busy doing music things, what are you doing? John: At the moment mostly kissing and eating. Not at the same time though.




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TOP manliest movies TEN

10.Sin City Bruce Willis pounding Yellow Bastard’s face into a puddle right after he removes the pervert’s testicles by hand, the wardrobe of every female, and Mickey Rourke de-limbing Frodo Baggins makes Sin City one of the manliest movies of all time. Oh yeah, and the pre-pregnant Jessica Alba pole dancing will make any man feel alive! 9. Gladiator “Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife, I will have my vengeance.” Maximus Decimus Meridius is one Russell Crowe character you don’t want to mess with, and Ridley Scott does not disappoint with what may be my favorite movie kill: the dual-sword beheading during one of the fiercest gladiator battles in the movie. ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED? Yes, Yes I am!

five bands you need to see this fall chris buck wrote this This fall features another solid lineup of artists at venues around Oxford. Here’s a look at a few of the bands that you should make a point to see this semester. Sound Tribe Sector 9: Wednesday, November 2nd. 6:30 pm. The Lyric STS9 returns to Oxford this fall after a quality show at the Lyric in March of 2010. However, November’s show at the Lyric promises to live up to the previous show’s much deserved hype. The group is fresh off a tremendous gig at the sold-out All Good Music Festival in West Virginia and has a huge fall tour planned, involving 23 gigs in the Southeast, Midwest, and New England. As if the tour announcement wasn’t enough to please fans, the band also announced a five-night New Years Eve run at the Tabernacle in Atlanta, which has hosted some of Sound Tribe’s best performances to date. The concert’s anticipation is even further heightened by the fact that it follows an appearance at the famous Georgia Theater in Athens. There, the band will be welcomed by an eager crowd who snatched up every last ticket within minutes of their release, in a newly rebuilt venue that hasn’t hosted Sound Tribe since it tragically burned down in 2009.There’s no doubt that the band will carry that energy in Athens over to the Lyric on November 2nd. While you wait: Check out NYE.ATL.08 Moon Taxi: Thursday, September 1. 10:00 pm. Proud Larry’s Also a high-energy act, Moon Taxi is always an amazing band to see live in the small and intimate space that Proud Larry’s provides its audiences. And although the Nashville-based group plays Oxford fairly often, it may be advantageous to catch them at Proud Larry’s while you still can. The group ventured from their familiar southeast territory last summer to play gigs all around the United States, opening for acts such as Umphrey’s McGee, Gov’t Mule, Matisyahu, The New Mastersounds, and DJ Logic, so don’t be surprised to find them at the Lyric in the near future. Moon Taxi’s performances are the epitome of explosive, as their fast-paced psychedelic rock and roll style delivers both unrivaled technicality and incredible improvisation. Believe me, you won’t want to miss this show. While you wait: Check out Live Ride JJ Grey & Mofro: Thursday, October 13th. 8:00 pm. The Lyric JJ Grey & Mofro is another band quite familiar to Oxford, and they never disappoint. Hailing from Jacksonville, JJ Grey has pieced together a group of incredibly talented musicians whose mix of blues, funk, folk, and gospel are unmatched. Along with Mofro’s unique southern sound are JJ Grey’s vocals, which are so gritty and soulful that one could mistake him for a ‘60s Stax musician out of Memphis. The band also holds our state in very high regard, as Grey penned a song titled “Mississippi” for their 2007 album Country Ghetto. Needless to say, Mofro will be very excited for their return to The Lyric and should put on an excellent show. While you wait: Check out Lochloosa moe.: Tuesday, November 8th. 8:30 pm. The Lyric One of the most respected improvisational rock groups of our time, moe. visits Oxford this fall with over 20 years of touring under their belt. That being said, the band still manages to bring the heat with every gig they play. And although moe. is frequently labeled a jam band, their catalogue doesn’t lack solid songwriting and production in the studio. However, their home is still definitely on the stage, which is why they’ll definitely be one of the most anticipated bands to come through Oxford this year. While you wait: Check out Tin Cans & Car Tires Portugal. The Man: Saturday, October 29th 8:30 pm. The Lyric Portugal. The Man has recently gained a massive amount of popularity due to their incredible songwriting talent and energetic live performances. It didn’t take them very long either; not too long ago, the band was playing gigs in Proud Larry’s. Now, they’ll return to Oxford in The Lyric after recently playing Lollapalooza and Bonnaroo, where they played some of the best sets of music during the entire weekend. Their 2009 hit “People Say” is an easily recognizable song that has furthered the band’s popularity into one of the most fun acts to see in modern rock. This is another band you won’t want to miss. While you wait: Check out The Satanic Satanist

8. Scarface "First you get the money, then you get the power and then you get the women." Imagine this coming out of a drug-dealing Cuban who’s not afraid of going bonkers with a grenade-launching assault rifle. That’s the prototype of a complete badass. If you’re going to watch Scarface, show some chest hair, stuff your head in a ski slope and enjoy. 7. Rambo: First Blood You’re not going to see him, you’re not going to hear him, but trust me, you’ll fear him. A super-jacked Vietnam War veteran suffering from a serious case of PTSD goes guerrilla warfare on some cops in British Columbia after they try to blame him for the death of an officer. But they forgot one thing - they are messing with an expert who won’t stop until everything they love has been burnt to the ground. 6. Jaws We’re going to need a bigger boat…for this giant violence erection. A classic story of man versus beast, this beast just so happens to be a mammoth shark that eats children like Skittles. 5. The Godfather “I’m going to make him an offer he can’t refuse.” Translation: I’m going to buy that shit or put a dead horse in your bed. The Godfather revolutionized mob movies and paved the way for every single crime drama since. As far as its manliness goes, the Don is a millionaire and has the power to kill anyone who’s feeling lucky. Money plus power equals testosterone. 4. Rocky 4 Nothing screams “victory” more than a Rocky Balboa montage. In this fourth installment of the Rocky series, Sylvester Stallone is as American as they come. No matter how hard the Soviets try, they cannot create an athlete to take Rocky Balboa down. The punch that took Ivan Drago down may be one of the manliest moments ever in American cinema. If you disagree, we have a plane ticket to China with your name on it. 3. Fight Club What other movie makes you want to throw away all of your material objects, only to join a club where you can go beat the shit out of other dudes and perform illegal pranks around town? Tyler Durden speaks his philosophy best with the line, “How much can you know about yourself if you’ve never been in a fight?” It’s hard to find a manlier movie than one with Brad Pitt promoting chaos in a world where a man’s possessions end up owning him. 2. The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly Any list of manly movies is incomplete without a classic western, or simply Clint Eastwood. In this brilliant western film, Sergio Leone does what he does best, creates masterpieces. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly makes no exceptions for the manliest man as he strikes fear in the eyes of the enemy just before he blows a hole in them. The combination of Clint Eastwood, Lee Van Cleef, trigger-happy cowboys, lit cigars, and a buried fortune brings us what is one of the greatest western duels in cinema. 1. Predator It’s not hard to understand why Predator tops our list of the Top 10 Manliest Movies. To start, it’s one of Arnold’s greatest roles ever. It also has what is questionably the manliest moment ever, where Dutch shows no fear in the eyes of one of the most fearsome villains in cinema history. “Do it NOW! Kill me, I’m Here, DO IT!” And of course, you can’t forget the ripped cast of testosterone-filled actors fighting their way through the remote jungles of Central Africa.

Connor Bailey and Marcus Bell wrote this

Madlib: Welcome back to campus! 1) fast food place 2) best friend 3) type of dog 4) body part 5) one of the senses 6) vegetable 7) minority group 8) type of car 9) action 10) number 11) sexual move 12) current crush 13) dance move 14) campus building 15) type of beer/booze 16) old roommate 17) campur bar 18) body part 19) last hookup 20) non-sexual body part 21) name of campus bus 22) friend 23) type of clothing 24) greek house 25) eating/drinking item 26) condiment 27) type of student

( class time )

Wow, am I glad school is back in session! This summer I worked at ____1____ with ____2____ and it sucked ____3____ ____4____. Every day I had to ____5____ the ____6____, and then take the ____7____ still there from the night before and throw them in the ____8____ outside. Embarrassing. Anyways, enough about my ____9____ summer, time to focus on the future. I’m thinking I’ll go on a ____10____ day bender, during which I can finally ____11____ ____12____ and then ____13____ in the ____14____. We all know he/she deserves it. The one thing I won’t do is drink ____15____ with ____16____ again, last time that happened I ended up at ____17____ showing everyone my ____18____ and well, nobody was impressed. I really hope I run into ____19____ soon though. We left last semester all weird after we rubbed ____20____ on the ____21____ and ____22____ walked in on us. They asked why we weren’t wearing any ____23____ and we told them we had just seen some ____24____ and they took them. Somehow that worked, but come on now. So, raise your ____25____ to another great year starting up. Let’s hope we all manage to rub some ____26____ on some ____27____ this week!

Ole Miss - 8/18/2011  

Issue #1 Oxford, MS