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1) Play fun games from The Black Sheep when you're procrastinating studying. 2) Try not to get too wasted before your finals. 3) Don't cheat. Or, don't get caught. 4) Enjoy multiple spirits after your last final.
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The Fun and Games Finals Issue
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Will Sparty bring MSU kids what they asked for this Christmas?
1) How many times did you tailgate this fall? a. Every single home game you could find me puking next to the Chem building. If it were an away game, I would be puking in whatever assclown school’s Chem building we were playing that week. b. Like three or four times. I was always too hungover from the night before. c. Never. I was too busy studying or too tired because I stayed up all night playing W.O.W.
5) Do you have tickets to the IZZONE? a. No, I would never be one of those assholes booing every single call the ref makes against MSU, although Tom Izzo is pretty spicy for an old guy. b. Yes. I have been sleeping in the lower bowl of the Breslin Center and have been camping out in Munn Field since July. c. An athletic commitment of that sort would keep me from my thesis regarding molecular bonds.
2) What did you do for Halloween? a. What is this “Halloween” you speak of? b. Went out on the weekend in my old school girl outfit from last year. c. Spent Oct. 21st- Nov 1st around 4 a.m. dressed up as a cowgirl. I am a boy.
6) Are you in a relationship? a. No, most women/men are intimidated by my love for MSU athletics and cheap alcohol. b. Yes, with a fellow Spartan, although they don’t know it yet. c. The closest thing I have to a relationship is with the girl/guy who refills the toilet paper in the lib where I study every night.
3) How did you do on your midterms? a. I don’t know. I haven’t been there since syllabus week. b. It was enough to raise my GPA to get into grad school. c. 4.0 and higher. I actually broke a record with the highest midterm grade in the history of MSU.
7) Are you going to the Outback Bowl game? a. Yes, I booked my hotel the minute it was announced with money I was supposed to use on a down payment for my grandma’s old folks home. Maybe next month, grams. b. I will be too busy reading ahead for next semester’s classes. c. I am not willing to travel to Florida for anything that isn’t Disney world or bikini related, so I will be just watching it at my local bar.
4. Do you agree with Kirk? a. I not only agree with him, but I stand outside Skandalaris waiting for him every night… b. In everything football related, yes. c. Kirk Cousins or Kirk Cameron?
8) What is your alcohol tolerance? a. I get lightheaded just from the fumes of hungover students in class. b. I can drink a whole six-pack of Mike’s Hard Lemonade, without throwing up. c. I am hoping to graduate with a 4.0… blood alcohol level that is.
Results 8-11: You’re on the naughty list. You most likely will not get what you want for Christmas because Sparty doesn’t know where to get an incubator for your latest experiment. Although you have the highest GPA on this side of the Red Cedar, Sparty thinks you’re lacking school spirit. He will give you some credit, but that will come in the form of a few MSU sweatshirts and a kick in the ass. 12-17: You’re barely skating by. You are a mediocre MSU fan and student, so Sparty will give you mediocre presents. Instead of that new iPad 2 you asked for, Sparty is going to give you some weird off-brand tablet, like the Kindle Fire. At the end of the day, it’s the lazy version of an iPad, just like the lazy version of a Spartan that you are. 18-24: You’re on top of Sparty’s Nice list! Of course you will get what you want for Christmas, you were so good this year! You represent MSU to the core (although with your grades, I’m not sure you were ever actually accepted). Because of your hardcore school spirit, Sparty Claus will grace you with everything your heart desires, even that special edition Jack Daniel’s gift set from Meijer!
1) 2) 3) 4)
A-3, A-1, A-3, A-3,
B-2, B-2, B-2, B-2,
C-1 C-3 C-1 C-1
5) 6) 7) 8)
A-2, A-3, A-3, A-1,
B-3, B-2, B-1, B-2,
C-1 C-1 C-2 C-3
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THe top ten Children’s Toys to Give to Adults as Adults 10) Hulk Hands: What’s cooler, pounding beer or pounding someone’s face into the ground while wearing Hulk Hands? It’s like being Edward Norton from The Incredible Hulk, but not lame like The Incredible Hulk and with more ass kissing like you’re the Ed Norton from Fight Club. 9) Telescope: For the person concerned about that mole that might be malignant on your neighbor’s titty, right? Nah, they’re not fooling anyone. They just want a better look at your fine-ass neighbor’s titties. 8) Bop-It: Does a particular whore you know become overwhelmed when attempting to service multiple individuals at once? Buy them a Bop-It! Soon they’ll learn how to twist, pull, flick, and bop to keep all of you in the orgy/ bukkake/bondage club completely satisfied. After a week with Bop-It, the only thing overwhelming this whore will be the screams of pleasure and tsunamis of ejaculation.
how the state news stole christmas ziev beresh wrote this The students in East Lansing looked forward to Christmas a lot, But the staffers at The State News were haters with an evil plot. The State News hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season! Now, please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason. It could be trying, perhaps, to be politically correct, It could be that too many facts went unchecked. But I think that the most likely reason of all May have been snorting too many eight-balls. But, whatever the reason, albeit imbalanced editorials or drugs The State News, you will see, were real Christmas thugs! Staring down from their office, with nary a smile, They saw that all of the students had been happy a while. “And they’re packing their bags,” The State News snarled with a sneer. “Going home for Christmas, which is practically here!” They growled, and sputtered, and then began heaving, “We must find a way to stop our readership from leaving!” For tomorrow all the Spartans will be going back home To say hello to their families, or, if they’re Jewish, “Shalom.” Campus will be empty—deserted!—for weeks, While The State News sits holding their dicks, so to speak. They said, “For years we’ve put up with everyone leaving this town!” “This year some shit is bound to go down.” So they planned and they schemed, all through the night Eventually, by morning, a plan came in sight. They prayed upon every student’s most terrible fear, And the front page of The State News read, “CHRISTMAS CANCELLED THIS YEAR.” In every apartment, dorm room, duplex, and house, Students awoke from sweet dreams of ‘ol Santa Claus. John and Jane Spartan, climbed down from their beds Then found the paper, their hearts filled with dread.
If Christmas were cancelled, then so was the tree, Presents, and ham, and Harold and Kumar in 3D. John said to Jane, “This holiday is one that no student should miss.” “We’ve busted our asses, and survived the finals abyss.” Jane said to John, “That is quite true,” “Let’s get The Black Sheep. They’ll know what to do.” They walked to the secret Black Sheep meeting spot, Which smelled like Vaseline, cheap whiskey, and pot. “Black Sheepers! Black Sheepers! John and Jane said, “That nasty State News has turned Christmas on its head!” The explanation was short, but John and Jane’s faces were long, They told The Black Sheep about everything The State News had done wrong. “Don’t worry fair Spartans,” The Black Sheep consoled, “We’ve been expecting this moment, full truth be told.” Then all The Black Sheep-ers geared up in tight leather, protective, And sneakily snuck up to their target objective. They peered through the window of The State News headquarters, And saw the whole gaggle of ugly and evil reporters, They were typing memos to each other about their horrible feat, Trying to decide which one of them was the best Christmas cheat. The Black Sheep-ers stormed in, and started a brawl, One by one, The State News-ers would fall. Eventually, each one of them was finally done, The Black Sheep hit them with one liners, dick jokes, and puns. They took over the press, and wrote a new spread. “CHRISTMAS NOT CANCELLED” it read instead. The students went home with joy, and presents they bought, While The Black Sheepers celebrated with Vaseline, cheap whiskey and pot. Now Christmas in East Lansing is secure once more, And The State News was cancelled, those ignorant whores.
7) Easy Bake Oven: It’s the perfect gift for that special bed-ridden fatass we all know. I’d rather watch you eat yourself to death than buy you the insulin you were asking for as a Christmas present. Pure Michigan! 6) Furby: For the lonely and irresponsible person who wants to get a dog, but would inevitably go into the Humane Society asking, “Excuse me, um, but what is the return policy here?” Sarah McLachlan does NOT approve of that kind of thing. 5) Lisa Frank: A perfect gift for that roommate who constantly talks about wanting to hallucinate a family of panthers vomiting rainbows made of lava amidst a cloud palace, but who’s also too much of a weiner to try hard drugs. Either buy them some Lisa Frank shit or just grind up some tabs of acid into their eggnog at their family Christmas party. It’s totally your call on how much fun you personally want to have. 4) Goosebumps Books: For that person you know who is always going on about how much or what they have read, a Goosebumps book is a great present to say “Hey, all books are the same, right?” A Transformer would occupy this spot on the list, but alas, they have yet to invent a Transformer that morphed into a machine that specializes in giving hand-jibbers or finger-blasts. 3) Power Wheels: Just ask Teddy Baum Cox; the Power Wheels Jeep is where it’s at. I mean, heck, you can’t get a DUI in this one! Plus everyone can watch you get roadhead or road-finger/road-box if you’re a lady driver (Wait a minute, lady driver? I’m not quite sure that’s a real thing.) 2) Bean Bag Chair: As children, we unlocked level after level of our favorite video games sitting in these. As adults, we’ve unlocked our new favorite sexual positions fucking on these. Hello, Alabama Crab-Dangle! 1) Harry Potter Broomstick: It’s a broomstick that you pretend to fly around on that vibrates. Ipso facto, you put it between your legs and the Harry Potter Broomstick gives that hairy twatter of yours a ride. Plus, since it is a broomstick, it’s also a great gift for that gentleman friend of yours who openly enjoys receiving more than giving!
Justin Gawel wrote this
madlib: 1) Verb (-ing) 2) Noun 3) Game 4) Noun 5) Place 6) Noun 7) Verb (-ing) 8) Direction 9) Street 10) Verb (-ing) 11) Plural Noun 12) Body part 13) Thing in your living room
14) Worst show you can think of 15) Verb 16) Verb 17) Noun 18) Adjective 19) Emotion 20) Adjective 21) Animal 22) Verb (-ing) 23) Number 24) Alcohol 25) Period of time 26) Place in East Lansing
Think you know how Glenn Howerton and WIll Smith are connected? Send your answers to firstname.lastname@example.org for your chance to win two tickets Green Velvet NYE Warmup at Bleu Detroit! Check out React Detroit on Facebook for more info!
winter break woes Now that the holidays came and went, I’ve been ___1___ in my ___2___ playing___3____ all day. Yeah, maybe that sounds fun, but it’s starting to make me feel like a piece of ___4___ because I had so many plans for this winter break! Going to ___5___ with my ___6___ was on the top of my list. Or even ___7___ naked ___8___ on ___9___ was high on my list. Yet, somehow, all I’ve found myself doing over this break is ___10___ in ___11___ with my ___12___ facing the ___13___ while watching ___14___ because that’s all I can handle at this point. Someone better ___15___ me before I ___16___ myself! Also, if someone could bring some ___17___, that would be ___18___ because I feel really, really ___19___. If you don’t, I will be the ___19___ person in the whole wide world. Seriously. This winter break sucks ___20___ dick. I can’t wait to be ___21___ back in East Lansing with ___23___ of my closest friends. Then we can finally buy that ___24___ we’ve wanted to try for ___25___. I’ll be the living the dream then! If you want to join me, you can find me at ___26___.
the christmas crossword! 2
6 7 8 9 10 11
ACROSS: 5) Put into a washing machine and Mrs. Claus 6) A mall Santa would be fired for an accidental ____ 7) An icy hand-job or serial killing snowman (2 words) 12) The Simpsons' beloved pet (3 words) 14) Merry midgets 16) A pimp's head-count (3 words) 18) A Jewish Christmas Eve meal (2 words) 19) Sinbad + Terminator = Delightful family romp DOWN: 1) Euphemism for a butthole or depressed child (2 words) 2) The Jewish "Shaft" (2 words)
13 14 15 16
DOWN 1 Euphemism for a butt hole or depressedf child (2 wrd.) 2 The Jewish “Shaft” (2 wrd.) 3 Santa’s bag of toys or a testicle chamber 4 For the rest of us 6 Yeast infection result and what God spoke to Moses through (2 wrd.) 8 St. Nick’s schlong (2 wrd.) 9 A curmudgeon or ________ McDuck 10 Celebrates African culture with a knock-off Menorah 11 The frattiest “Rudoph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer” character (2 wrd.) 13 These native islanders are the fattest people in the world, next to Santa 15 Major League _______ is played on a Spinagogue 17 Mr. _________, the Christmas Poo
C H OA D S B ON R U L R I N E K I B W N A R A G B O N B O W Z U M A N T A ’ S L I A H N A S B A E L M E OHOHO B A R H I N E S E F O S M A J I N
ACROSS 5 Put into a washing machine and Mrs. Clause 6 A mall Santa would be fired or an accidental ______ 7 An icy hand-job or serial killing snowman (2 wrd.) 12 The Simpsons’ beloved pet (3 wrd.) 14 Merry midgets 16 A pimp’s head-count (3 wrd.) 18 A Jewish Christmas Eve meal (2 wrd.) 19 Sinbad + Terminator = Delightful family romp (4 wrd.)
3) Santa's bag of toys or a testicle chamber 4) For the rest of us 6) Yeast infection result and what God spoke to Moses through (2 words) 8) St. Nick's schlong (2 words) 9) A curmudgeon or ____ McDuck 10) Celebrates African culture with a knock-off Menorah 11) The frattiest 'Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer" character (2 words) 13) These native islands are the fattest people in the world, next to Santa 15) Major League ____ is played on a Spinagogue 17) Mr. ______, the Christmas Poo
V E S D R H E A OD I N D K E E E A L L T H EWA Y G L Y H S E E R A B J A C K F RO N K E O S W R C H T R A H O M P O M O G E T T L E H E L P E R E
F E S T T I V U S
From 'da Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com!
What do you want to accomplish over winter break? "Do hot and sweaty yoga every night." - Lindsay Y., Senior
An Intervention Letter From Rudolph’s Younger Brother teddy baum cox wrote this Dear Rudolph, We need to talk. You’ve been pissing off a lot of people. The rest of the reindeer and I have tried to tolerate it, but lately you’ve been out of control. Take the Christmas Kickoff party, for example—typically it's a nice party with reindeers, elves, even Santa all dressed up, mingling and drinking casually before the holiday chaos, and then there’s you, shitfaced, in a “Where my Ho-ho-hos at?” t-shirt and gaudy gold chain. If that weren't enough bad enough already, you proceeded to hit on Blitzen's fiancé, Bambi, for the remainder of the night. I know you were drinking, but you didn’t have to bring up her “mommy issues.” I know you probably think we’re all trying to attack you, but we really just want the best for you. In fact, when you first got promoted to lead reindeer, we were all pumped for you. We supported you because, well, let's be honest, you were a pretty big loser before then. Why do you think we left you out of all our reindeer games? It wasn’t that we didn’t like you, we just didn’t want you on our team, sucking everything up.
Aside from all of that, there have also been some rumors about you getting into trouble with narcotics. More than a few people told me that you've been rolling into work with your eyes as red as your nose, rambling incessantly about reindeer treats for the past three weeks. The crew you've been hanging around with doesn't help either; we all know Fro$ty the Snowman has problems, but I never thought my own brother would fall down that path. He carries around a bag of "snow" in case he starts to melt, for Kris Kringle’s sake… do you really think anybody is buying that? Anyway, the point is—Santa has decided to pull you from the sleigh this year and he’s sending you to a rehab facility. We initially worried about Santa’s decision because we didn’t know how we’d fly without your red nose, but we had headlights installed on the sleigh and that solved the problem pretty quickly. I kind of can’t believe we didn't think of that in the first place— it really makes a lot more sense, especially considering the fact that you had zero flight training to begin with. Frankly, it’s a miracle we never crashed before. (Well, beside that one time, but that house had a lot of whiskey in their eggnog, so we really can't blame you for that.)
"the crew you've been hanging around with doesn't help either: we all know fro$ty the snowman has problems.
Those were the good ole days, but then the endorsement deals rolled in and we lost the Rudolph we all knew and loved. First your book came out, which we were all excited to read until we found out it depicted us to be a bunch of assholes. Then the songs started emerging and that only made your head get bigger. I'll admit a couple songs were pretty good, but when you started driving around the North Pole in your Hummer blaring Alvin and the Chipmunks’ Christmas CD, I wasn’t the only one who wanted to slash your tires.
I hope you’ll be happy for me though because I’m going to be leading the sleigh this year. If I do a good job, maybe I’ll lose my title as Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer’s brother and I’ll get my name in the spotlight with my own book deal: Steve the Normal Nosed Reindeer. But, until then, I wish you the best of luck and hope you get back to being the old Rudolph we all love and miss. Milk and cookies, Steve
"Study for the GMAT while drinking as much as possible." - Kelsey G., Senior
"BOOZIN'." - Phil P., Sophomore
holiday deals galore! $6 for $20 at College Hautees $35 for $65 at jammypack Live NOW! Live NOW! Live NOW! campusf lock.com The Bar Grid
January 2010 Happy Hour: Monday – Friday 3-6pm. $2.00: Domestic Pints $2.50: Well Drinks ½ Off: Potato Skins, Onion Rings, and Hush Puppies.
THURSDAY: 4 - 8PM: Burger Bash! SATURDAY: Half Off All Drinks, MSU vs. Bowling Green at 7PM! $1 Burgers, $1 Waffle Fries Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday $3.50 Domestic Lites Daily Specials: After 8PM: $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors 31 Monday 9pm-Close $3.50 1 WellsGlobal Village 2 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) $2.50 - PintsLight, Rolling Rock Bottles DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $4 Smirnoff Flavors $2.50 – Call Drinks $2.50 Call Drinks, SoCo Lime and TuesdayKamikazes! 9pm-Close $3.50 Long Islands Showdown and8 DJ Beats 10PM 6 7 9
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MSU vs. BGU at 7PM! 4pm – 8pm: Happy Hour $4 Domestic Pitchers $1 Off All Wines, $2 Single Wells 8pm – 2am: $6 Mini Pitchers $1 Off Beer, $3 Vodka Bombs, $3 Soco Limes, $3 Washington Apple
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$2.00 – Well Drinks DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) The Whirly Birds $3.00 – Premium Drafts 1/2 Off Wednesday DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $4.00 - Irish Car Bombs Wednesday 9pm-Close 1/2 Off Everything 13 14 15 16 $2.00 – Domestic Drafts DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) except premiums $2.50 – Well Drinks DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) The Ice Boxers $3.00 – Bombs $3.99 Basket of Wings Thursday 9pm-Close from 4pm-9pm $2.50 – Pints 20 21 22 23 $2.50 – Call Drinks DJ Juan 10PM DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) STAR FARM Friday 9pm-Close DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $3.50 – All Pints 4 - 8PM: Burger Bash! $3.00 – Well Drinks Half Off All Drinks, Saturday 9pm-Close 27 28 29 30 $3.50 – All Pints $1 Burgers, $1 Waffle Fries DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) $3.00 – Well Drinks After 8PM: $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Beats Sunday All Day Light, Rolling $3.00 –Bloody Mary & MimosasRock Bottles $3.00 – Pints $2.50 Call Drinks, SoCo Lime and $8.00 – Burger, Fries & Pint$3.50 Long Kamikazes! Islands Every Day $3.00 – Kamikaze Shots Dublin Square Irish Pub $4.00 – Pinnacle Bombs 327 Abbott Rd East Lansing MI 48823 9pm – Close Every Day
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Now available on CampusFood.com!
$2 Domestics 11AM to 6pm $1 Pints 8PM-12AM $1.50 Miller High Life 10pm - 12am
Buy one dawg and drink (soda/beer/ juice) and ask for a free small fry!
$1.50 Miller High Life 10pm - 12am
Spartans vs. Bowling Green at 7PM! Go Green! Go White!
$2 Pints $3 Calls
Come Watch msu vs. Bowling green at 7pm with $1.50 Miller High Life 10pm - 12am
Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close Lions vs. Raiders at 4PM!
SUNDAY SCHOOL NO Cover $1.75 Pints, 1/2 Off Pizza Until 7PM 1/2 Off Adult Beverages 7 - Close
Watch the Lions Kill The Raiders at 4PM! Come Cheer on Suh's Return with $2 DOMESTICS ALL DAY LONG! $1.50 Miller High Life 10pm - 12am
$3 Managers Choice Craft Beer Pintse $3 16oz Oasis Bloody Marys & Mimosas $6 Oasis Margarita Pitchers $3.50 Oasis Margarita Glasses $2 Well Whiskey Drinks $5 Off Kabob Combos For Two & $2 Off Veggie Sampler Appetizers
SUN, 12/18 MON, 12/19
Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close 55- cent boneless wings Spartans vs. UMKC at 830! Monday Night Football!
$1.75 Pints $3.50 Pitchers
$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Bottles $4 Featured Martinis $2.50 Glasses of House Wine $6 1/2 Lbs. Cheeseburger & Falafurger Combo
Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close 45-cent traditional wings Stop in for lunch combos starting at $6.99 served in 15 minutes or less!
Taco Tuesdays FREE Taco Buffet 7PM – 10PM $1.75 Wells $3.00 Well Doubles $2.50 Margaritas $8.50 Buckets of Coronas
Twos-day! 11am - 10:30pm 2 Special Coneys for $2 24oz Keystone for $2 $1 Pints 6PM-12AM $1.50 Miller High Life 10pm to 12am
$3 Made-in-Michigan Beers (Bottles and Pints) $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses of All Our Made in Michigan Wines $6 Pitchers of Oasis Mai Tai's $3.50 Glasses of Oasis Mai Tai's $3 Off Select Appetizers
Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close Join us for FREE trivia
Wipeout Wednesday 1/2 Off Food 1/2 Off Drinks 1/2 Off Beers 1/2 Off Bottles of Wine
“Slider Specials” $1 Singles/$2 Doubles 100% Ground Angus (toppings extra) $2 Domestics 11AM to 6pm $1 Pints 6PM-12AM $1.50 Miller High Life (10pm - 12am)
$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas
the ultimate at-home drinking game
One of the worst things about being at home is the inability to booze whenever you please. But have no fear, for obviously The Black Sheep is here to give you an entertaining and easy way to get your drink on during any of the many awkward times you spend at home. So grab a fifth and a flask, because you're about to get drunk (again).
on the car ride home
when decorating for the holidays...
Take a drink when you get a text from a high school buddy asking about your plans over break. Take a drink every time you hit repeat on your iPod. Take a drink every time you check Twitter on your phone. Take two drinks every time your parents ask you about your GPA this semester. Take two drinks every time your mom comments on your appearance. Take two drinks for every half-hour you're in the car. Take three drinks for every awkward silence. Take five drinks when you realize you left your phone at school.
Take a drink every time your cat starts eating the tinsel. Take a drink for every ornament you break. Take two drinks for every stocking you hang. Take three drinks every time you untangle a string of lights. Take three drinks every time you get on a ladder. Take three drinks for every time your dad drops an f-bomb while putting up the Christmas lights. Take five drinks every time your mom tears up during "Little Drummer Boy." Take ten drinks if you put up a huge inflatable decoration.
while celebrating the holidays with your family Take a drink for every gift you guess incorrectly. Take a drink for every pair of socks or underwear you get. Take a drink every time someone tells a story starting with "When I was in college..." Take a drink every time you catch someone feeding the dog. Take a drink for every National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation reference your dad makes. Take two drinks every time you catch the cat messing around in the Christmas tree. Take two drinks every time grandma notes how old you look. Take three drinks every time someone asks you how the service you didn't go to was. Take three drinks for every gift you receive that still has the clearance price tag on it. Take four drinks every time a relative retells a story. Take four drinks every time your 17-year-old cousin successfully sneaks wine. Take four drinks every time your parents jokingly mention Santa and think you're still amused. Take five drinks for every time your mom raises her voice. Take five drinks every time a new course is served. Take ten drinks every time someone mentions that you're single or asks when you're going to start having babies. Take ten drinks if grandpa passes out before 2 p.m.
while last minute shopping Take a drink for every drunk Salvation Army bell-ringer you see. Take a drink for every time you move a space in any given line. Take a drink every time you buy something for yourself. Take two drinks for every time an overweight woman nudges you then glares at you. Take two drinks every time you start sweating. Take three drinks when you see an elf touch himself wrongly. Take three drinks for every item you're looking for that's out of stock. Take five drinks for every screaming, crying and generally unhappy baby you see on Santa's lap.
On new year's day Take a drink for every bad decision you made. Take a drink for every episode of a T.V. marathon you watch. Take a drink for every tagged picture from last night. Take a drink for every butt slap or fist pound you see during the football games. Take two drinks every time you choke back vomit. Take two drinks every time you actually get off the couch. Take three drinks every time you get a glass of water. Take eight drinks every time you change your resolution.
Are you Smarter Than?
4 ziev's score
ziev beresh black sheep writer 1) Where is the Xiphoid Process located?
5) What American novelist wrote East of Eden?
8) In what year did the American Civil War begin?
2) What is Michigan’s state motto?
6) In what movie did Jack Nicholson play the character Jack Torrance?
9) What real life horse was the movie Seabiscuit based on?
7) What food is George Washington Carver known for creating?
10) On the seventh day of Christmas, what did my true love give to me?
3) What does the letter “K” represent on the periodic table of elements? 4) How many feet are in a mile?
The Best New Year’s Eve Bash in East Lansing! Party with Triple Lindy • Dance to DJ SNS Professional Photographer & Photo Booth Free Champagne Toast & Buffet • Free Shuttle & Coat Check Don’t Miss the Balloon Drop! Tickets are only $20 - Free VIP Gift Bags for First 100 Purchase in store or email email@example.com Find more details on our Facebook and Twitter!
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1) The anus 2) The degenerate state with some lakes 3) Potassium 4) 5512 5) John Steinbeck
6) The Shining 7) Peanut Butter 8) 1862 9) Lucky the Horse 10) A Dreidel
correct answers: 1) Below the sternum 2) If you seek a pleasant peninsula, look about you
3) Potassium 4) 5280 5) John Steinbeck 6) The Shining 7) Peanut
Butter 8) 1861 9) Seabiscuit 10) Seven swans a swimming
holiday gift guide 2011 Under $25Gift Packages! The Party Person
For the person who deadpans “What do you mean you can’t go out? It’s Monday!" Coconut Water ($3) - If you don’t drink when you wake up, how are you supposed to drink all day? Sleep Mask ($6) - For when you forget to turn off the strobe light. Glitter ($0.77) - It’s important to look faaaaaaaaabulous. 6 Custom Beer Pong Balls ($14) - People are going to know you mean business.
The Designated Driver
Also known as your own personal guardian angel. Febreeze ($4) - Yes, there’s puke. But also sweat and pee and blood. This car is more disgusting than an army hospital. Barf Bag 5pk ($6.50) - They just cleaned their carpets, dude. C’mon! Compass ($5) and Road Atlas ($10) - For the most ghetto GPS imaginable. No asshole, there’s no Penis Boulevard.
Mr. Super Broke
What do you mean you’re going to be a little late on August rent? Ramen 12pk ($5.99) - Once they’ve eaten the noodles, they can use the cup to beg for change. 6 Shares of Ford stock ($1.81 x 5) - Sometimes it’s important to feel like a CEO. Windex ($3.99) and Paper towel roll ($1.50 x 2) - Get a job, deadbeat!
trix 2 Phone PRICE: $99 (for AT&T, $499.99 without contract) notable features: Android 2.3 network, built-in FM radio, 8 GB internal memory, plus an 8MP front and rear facing camera. (wireless.att.com) why it rocks: This phone is really nice. It has 4G speed, a pretty sweet camera that takes crisp photos and videos. And while many phones have a learning curve that rests somewhere between “rage inducing” and “fuck this, I’ll just use a telegraph,” the Atrix 2 is actually pretty intuitive in its use. Zumocast-- a program that allows you to access files and information stored on your computer’s hard drive—is one of the phone’s best features. Did we mention that this telephone even makes calls and sends texts? Crazy!
Hah, you don't need to answer that. Whether you've been naughty or just down right nasty this year, we've got plenty of gifts that you'll be begging to receive. You do know it's better to give than to receive, though, right? Of course you do... you're not on the nice list for a few very good reasons.
Destined for Greatness Duffel
PRICE: $140 notable features: Weatherproof, industrial strength Velcro, buckle can also double as a bottle opener! (chromebagsstore.com) Why it rocks: This bag is waterproof and roomy enough to put your supplies for the whole day inside of it. If you depend on your bike for transportation, the bag has clips that could hold lights, a U-lock, or your dignity, for when you accidentally run into a car. Not to mention it has adjustable straps to ensure a perfect fit to your bod. Just strap it on and go! If this bag weren't cool enough already… the buckle can double as a bottle opener, making grabbing a beer right as you walk in the door from work or class that much easier. Oh, and it comes with a lifetime guarantee, which already makes it better than marriage.
Are You on the Naughty List?
PRICE: $128 notable features: Goofy labeled pockets-galore to keep your junk organized, stow-able nylon straps to fit any size yoga mat, water-resistant fabric, and can hold up to 50lbs! (lululemon.com) why it rocks: This workout bag is perfect for the gym, or any other onthe-go occasion that suggests you would have to carry a ton of shit. Not to mention it’s actually cute! Its super sturdy straps let you carry gobs of “necessities” with confidence. The bag also features tons of easily accessible pockets (most of which are labeled with quirky suggestions of what to put in them, sadly there’s nothing to hold your shattered dreams) for all your organizational needs. It even has a pocket that is designed to slide your laptop in to keep it safe, because you know how shifty those yogis can be.
essenger Bag PRICE: $120 notable features: 50 different iconic celebrity faces staring back at you, waterproof exterior, lifetime guarantee and pockets on pockets. (timbuk2.com) why it rocks: This bag is really functional. It’s waterproof, spacious and can be adjusted to fit your frame. Padded straps make lugging around too much crap a little bit less awful. And with tons of pockets with different colored zippers, maybe you can actually find your keys or wallet without dumping all of the contents of the whole bag out. The lconoclast version of this classic Timbuk2 messenger bag is limited edition and is made with fabric that has the faces of 50 different cultural icons printed on it. Each is unique, depending on what swatch of fabric was used, which is cool. Anyone you get this for will use it everyday. Except for Sunday, that’s the Lord’s day.
Lap Dock 100 Motorola
Citizen Buckle Messenger Bag
PRICE: $249.99 notable features: High resolution, bright 10.1 screen, can be hooked up to a variety of phones (best paired with the Atrix 2), Motoprint application makes printing easy. (motorola.com) why it rocks: The lapdock makes using the web on the go easy and convenient, without having to lug around a heavy laptop (that would most likely only connect to wifi anyway). Just connect your phone to the port on the back of the device and you instantly have a bigger screen and a keyboard. It’s so much better than trying to use a tiny touch screen with your stubby sausage fingers. Hell, it’s so good it made us forget they aired those annoying commercials during the NCAA tournament last year.
PRICE: $7.99 - $9.99 for a six pack (includes Bellaire Brown, Black Cheery Porter, Chocolate Wheat, Pandemonium Pale Ale, Autumn Ale, Huma Lupa Licious IPA) Notable features: Delicious, high quality ingredients make this micro-brew delicious. (shortsbrewing.com) WHY IT RULES: All of these beers are rid-donk-licious, and can be considered a special treat for anyone (21 and up) on your holiday list. Shorts Brewing Company consciously only uses the finest ingredients and it shows. They really know what they’re doing when it comes to creating tasty brewskies. Not to mention that all of these beers have an ABV% of at least 5? If getting drunk in a warm, Keystone-free cocoon of smiles is your aim, Shorts will definitely do the trick.
PRICE: $134.99 (includes ingredients) Notable features: Everything you need to brew your own divine beers while still being cost effective. (homebrewers.com) WHY IT RockS: With this kit you’re able create your own beer at a fraction of the cost of buying delicious high-gravity craft beers elsewhere. Once you have the equipment, it’s easy to order ingredients. The process is easy enough, too (check back in the first issue of the 2nd semester as we try to make our own beer). Brewing is the ultimate bragging right, it makes you superior to all your friends, because you’re getting tipsy off of your own hard work. What else could a beer guru dream of?
42 Tequila PRICE: $44.99 Notable features: Smooth, wonderful and full of the promise of a magnificent time. (peligrosotequila.com) WHY IT RockS: Everyone loves tequila, right? Well, Peligoros Reposado 42 is perfect for any holiday party. While all of your kind of trashy, lame friends from home are throwing down shot after shot of Burnett’s or Jose Cuervo, you’ll look like the epitome of class when you whip this bad boy bottle out. And since this tequila is still pretty new, you can be really vague as to where you got it. “Oh, I just know a guy…” will have your friends thinking you know someone in the cartel. Don’t forget the salt and limes!
Galaxy Tablet 10.1
eer Making Starter Kit
PRICE: $499.99 (for 16 GB) notable features: Includes Adobe flash, brilliantly crisp widescreen display, and weighs only 1.25 pounds. (samsung.com) Why it rocks: This tablet is awesome. The highresolution screen is really crisp and the tablet itself has so. many. features. Even before you start downloading different apps like crazy. It has all the amenities of a laptop, but is incredibly easy to take on the go, and with 16 gigs of memory and almost 10 hours of battery life, using adult movies to weird out the guy sitting next to you on the airplane has never been easier. Also, it makes it easy to keep track of your plethora of social engagements… erm, exams and deadlines… with the agenda calendar right at your fingertips. It runs on the new and improved Android 3.1 Honeycomb network, which is still pretty similar to previous versions—making the conversion really easy. Check one of these out soon!
Under $25 Gift Packages! For the Lusty Lover
Their spare hole fits your round peg surprisingly well. Bottle of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill ($3.99) - If they’re actually excited about this, make sure you card them. Hard. Whipped Cream ($2.99) - If nothing else, it gives you an excuse to shower together. Tea Lights ($5.99) - Really set the mood, until you start your apartment on fire. Redbox Flick ($0.99) - If you play your cards right, you’ll be flickin’ their red box.
FOR THE Super Greek
He’s totally your best brah that happens to be a brah in a house, brah. Knock-off Wayfarers ($4.99) - Because the sun never sets on cool. Collegiate sweat band ($3.99) - I go hard for my school, what, do you go to State or somethin’? Beer Bong ($12.99) - Not chug-alug house! Leather Cleaner ($3.49) - It’s always important to keep those Sperry's fresh.
for the Study Buddy
Friends don’t let friends go into tests unprepared. 30 Adderall ($3.25) - If they don’t study all the info, how are they supposed to make sure you pass your test? Daily Planner ($9.99) - After you lost your syllabus, they let you know when the tests occur. Ambient Music Mix ($0.00) They’ve got to focus all night if you’re going to learn trigonometry. Quiet Library Snacks ($4.49) - You wouldn't want them to be the douche eating Sun Chips, would you?)
Price: $89 (large, 38' diameter) NOTABLE FEATURES: Party tricks, potential of abs and popularity, did we mention it lights the f up? (moodhoops.com) why it rocks: Uh, how would a LED light-up hula hoop not rock? With one push of a button the whole thing goes apeshit with internal LED lights that dance and move on their own. When being used, the hooper is completely enveloped in bright, colorful lights! By default this will attract anyone cool in your path and will make you extremely popular in no time! Hula hooping has also become very popular as a way of working out, so you could get a spring break ready body WHILE entertaining the drunken masses. It would be irresponsible NOT to get this for someone on your list (or just keep for yourself instead).
holiday gift guide 2011
SHOW US YOUR BOOZE: BOOK OF MATTHEW 2:1-12
They came from the east when they saw his star rise...
They came to pay homage to a new king...
The Three Wise Men.
The evil King Herod had also heard the news.
Threatened, he summoned the Three Wise Men to his court...
And demanded they find this new king...
...so Herod could destroy him.
They paid him no mind and continued their journey.
The star stopped, they arrived.
Inside, they presented the new King with three presents...
Goldschlager, the dankest scents, and beer.
For he truly was King of the Booze!
I Have Free Time?
The Winter Break Whoreoscopes
Sagittarius (Nov. 21 - Dec 21.) After almost giving yourself an ulcer this semester, you need to chill the fuck out this break. It’s not like you have any schoolwork to do, and reading your books for next semester would just be pretentious. So just enjoy your break. Sleep all day, eat Doritos like it’s your job, and spend most of your time surfing Facebook and watching marathons of Law and Order: SVU. Because bitch, you deserve it. Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) You goin' home and the honeys is waiting. You don’t care if they’re still illegal, you just want some Grade-A high school pussy. You can most certainly be seen hanging out in your high school cafeteria, smoking a cig, and creepily staring down any girl that gets within 5 feet of you. If you don’t want to get arrested, stay away from underage girls. If jail time isn’t a problem for you, and you have no morals, then by all means, collect virgins like coins in Super Mario. Aquarius (Jan. 20 -Feb. 18) No one at home understands your art. And by “art” you really mean shitty poetry splattered with your tears. High school was hell for you, so it is understandable that you want to stay as far away from home as humanly possible. Unfortunately, you have a family that actually cares about you. Wipe off your mascara tears, loosen your skinny jeans, and just deal with home for a month. You’ll be back at school with your equally unique friends-who all listen to the same music and wear the same clothes-soon enough. Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20) Holy shit it’s break! You actually like home, enjoy your family, and are reasonably well-adjusted. For you, break is a chance to see people who love you, and spend time in a positive environment. The only downside is that it has to end. Please, relish these moments, as they will become fewer the older you get. You may be in college, but you’re still a kid. So go sledding with your brother, make some hot cocoa, and smile because someone actually cares about you. Thank them, and don’t be a dick.
Aries (March 21 - Apr. 19) As a generally rambunctious twat, you spend your time at school involved with clubs, intramural sports teams, out drinking your friends, etc. And now you have to go back to your tiny-ass suburb where the “cool kids” emotionally repressed you. So what in the balls are you going to do over break? GET JACKED. Turn that boring free time and endless motivation into getting swole for the ladies. You’ll come back to school looking like a number one stunna. Enjoy the endless flow of blowjobs!
Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) The big man on campus in high school, college has not exactly been an easy transition. You went from being Mr. Popular to wading in a sea of 30,000 students. Chances are you have about 3-4 friends, and sit alone during lunch. Ouch. Winter break is like a godsend to you, because for a few shining weeks your life can be perfect again. Enjoy it while it lasts, because when you get back, you’ll hop right back on the struggle bus, just like the rest of your peers.
Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20) OMG I have to leave my friends for FOUR WHOLE WEEKS. Like, I can’t bear to be without my besties! Who will I confide in when I jerk off the wrong frat guy? Your parents, stupid. Odds are, you’re a party girl with only a smidgen of a conscience and a catalog of more bad decisions then Tara Reid. Try to actually enjoy spending time with your family, remembering who you really are; you know, before your brain got addled by endless mounds of glitter and ecstasy.
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) You left college as a pristine example of all that is good in a small town: good grades, kindhearted, homegrown pretty. Hell, you were probably Homecoming Queen. Then, college happened. You were thrown into a world of sex and unkind people, and you went a little fucking insane. One stint in jail and two lip piercings later, you’re a whole new woman. Coming home will be your unveiling, and you can’t wait to show everyone the new you. Your parents will probably cry, your friends will look at you in horror, and the local STD clinic will be begging you to come and get tested. Have fun fucking all of the jocks from your high school, you’ll feel as dead inside as the day you blew your lab partner for some coke.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Thank god you have a break, because school was cutting into your blazing time. Odds are, you skip class to sleep, and when you actually attend class you are stoned out of your mind. Take some time over break to reevaluate if you should actually be in college; if your only life goal is to smoke weed and listen to dubstep, you’re in the wrong place, asshole. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You crave male attention like a drag queen in San Francisco. Seriously, if a day goes by without at least one guy staring at your augmented tittays, it has been a waste of your time to leave the house. And now that you aren’t at school, no one gives a fuck how much saline some doc pumped into your chest. You, like Tinker Bell, will die if no one applauds you on a daily basis, so you probably won’t make it through the winter. Enjoy hell, sweetheart.
Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) Going home to you means one thing: work. No fun break for your sorry ass, you get to wake up every day at 7a.m. and make that cash so you can pay your way through college. That just blows. But chin up kid, your education will help you escape your small-town family and/ or working in a meat packing plant the rest of your life. Every day, you’re hustling. Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) School is your forte. You get good grades, your professors like you, and you can whip papers like a dominatrix. So now that you have nothing to strive for over break, you’re feeling a bit lost. You’ll most likely spend your time playing Battlefield 3 and gaining 15 pounds from sheer boredom. It’s ok tubs, at least your mom still thinks you’re cute.
Meet The Staff! Managing Editor Bailey Walsh Advertising Manager Anthony Dostal Contributing Writers Alex Everard Cristina Toscano Justin Gawel Alex Acton Andrew Fleming Cody Manthei Frank Sorise Samantha Shaughnessy Billy Gardner Leanne Johnson Ziev Beresh photographer Jackie Cash
Distribution Annalise Stromsta (Manager) Anna Aiken (Helper) pr team Jessica Holli Chris Amrich campus director Brendan Bonham Founders Atish Doshi Brendan Bonham Questions?
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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally. Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747
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