Volume 5, Issue 14 | 12/07/11 -12/14/11 | theblacksheeponline.com
“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”
The Black Sheep Presents “Exposed!”
how ver you y s are oon abo ! ut
A Secret Memo by Lou Anna K. Simon is Uncovered
Samantha Shaughnessy wrote this Memorandum To: All Faculty and Staff From: Lou Anna K. Simon Subject: Finals Week: Let’s Rock this Bitch Date: December 1, 2011 ____________________________________________________ The time has come once again for all of us to collaborate and make this year one of the toughest and most heartless finals week in the history of MSU. As you all know, finals week comes not once, but twice a year. I believe it is our utmost duty to continue to outdo our cunning trickery semester after semester. This is the time that students are most vulnerable; they’re stress-eating, chain-smoking and popping pills faster than Whitney Houston, which makes it absolutely crucial that we keep these rascals on their toes. Now is the time to strike while the iron is hot, (red hot), and give them a real “thank-you-sir(or ma’am)-may-I-have-another” spanking. Although I’m open to suggestions, I am thinking of some real ball-busters, “Principal Trunchbull” style. For instance, I think it’s important for us to consider pumping an artificial (yet very convincing) scent of egg farts into every exam room. Attempting to focus on the material at hand, students will grapple with the odor of egg farts clouding their concentration. They’ll begin scanning the room, determined to pinpoint the culprit as they’re choking on the untimely, hot,
peppery aroma. This distraction will be a true test to the students’ abilities. However, if this endeavor proves to be too pricey, we could buy Yak Baks in bulk in order to simulate irritating repetitive noises such as sniffling, pen clicking or coughing to achieve a similar effect. Although most of you have done an exemplary job of this already, I urge each and every professor to continue refusing any correspondence with their students in these crucial weeks that precede exams. It’s important to mysteriously disappear during office hours and ignore all student e-mails, especially those entitled “URGENT: Exam Question.” In addition to the aforementioned tactics, I am currently arranging another Angel “crash.” As the students are already convinced that Angel is a faulty and unreliable system, it is very unlikely that anyone will question our stunt’s authenticity. If anyone has access to a person capable of temporarily shutting down the internet altogether, there may be a $20 gift certificate to Applebee’s with your name on it. If my calculations are correct, the majority of students can be found studying in the library and/or campus cafeterias. In order to spoil these study spots, it’s imperative that we take action immediately: We need to bump the library’s temperature to a balmy 94 degrees and close cafeterias entirely (or provide only condiments and Wonder Bread). It’ll be a good ol’ fashioned goof!
04: lyric interpretation
in case you thought "no scrubs" was a nursing reference.
Furthermore, instead of having exams in their usual classrooms, we must station all exams in the buildings furthest from their original locations. We need to take advantage of places like the Plant and Soil Sciences Building, Olds Hall, and many of the other buildings that serve no purpose and are unfamiliar to the majority of the student body. It’s also crucial that we make all parking spots unavailable throughout the week; we don’t want to make things easy on these kids. Lastly, in order to make the lives of these students as miserable as possible, each professor will need to schedule their exam on Thursday or Friday (preferably at 7:45 a.m.) and make it cumulative. This will ensure that each student is forced to learn the lecture material if they weren’t paying attention the first time around, (which is probably the case more often than not). I mean, have any of you really talked to these kids? They’re stupider than that Neanderthal-looking blockhead Kris Humphries. Anyway, the point of this is that we need to get creative here, people. E-mail any of your thoughts, ideas, ploys, booby-traps, etc. with the subject,“Shatter the Souls of MSU Students” to email@example.com. Best of luck, Lou Anna K. Simon Pimp Mama Prez Michigan State University
05:grazing at sparty's
because it's dripping with oil and ball sweat so delicious!
11: a letter to graduating seniors
you know it's not may, right?
04: the top ten All of your nightmares about finals that hopefully won't come true.
05: the bcs standings 10: Recipe for disaster More like the WTF standings, as we're Linda's Old Fashioned Tacos are delisure you're still bitter. cious. Why? Because they're tacos.
12 05 05
10: drinking game The Fame Name Game isn't lame if you play with a dame.
06: party pics You keep getting weirder, and we keep loving you more and more.
12: movie review We saw Hugo, the greatest clockmaking movie of all time.
07:you're a sick bastard And not like "cool sick" but like "contagious and nasty."
13: Holiday entertainment matrix We tell you what's blowin' up this holiday season.
07: from the streets How do you survive finals?
13: god's facebook We hacked into the big-guy-upstairs' Facebook, and were pleasantly surprised that we have more friends.
10: bartender of the week Alise from Dublin Square will be smitten by a tall guy who feeds her peanut M&Ms.
15: christmas word search Are you keen on your past holidays' trends?
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Definition: When a woman convinces a man to do something through promises of oral sex. “Tara convinced Jerry to get a pedicure through the ancient art of shesuction.”
THe top ten Worst Things That Can Happen Before, During, or After Finals
Justin Gawel’s Culture Corner Presents:
10) Your laptop goes to shit And it’s usually during the most crucial time of night, when you’ve just finished the semester-long project (that you finally culminated into a masterpiece) and need to turn it in.The darkest, most hateful color is the one of a black computer screen that refuses to turn back on after a powerful, Adderall-induced work session.
Lyrical Interpretations justin gawel wrote this Ever since Al Gore invented the Internet, artists are finding new ways to break into the music scene through such outlets as “YouTube” “The Face Book” and “Google.” This accessibility is allowing artists to be discovered like never before. Because of this, many scholars feel overwhelmed by the amount of analytical lyric interpretation that is required of them. In a desperate attempt to speed up this process, I have begun analyzing some of the most important lyrical countributions our society has seen in the past several generations: Gym Class Heroes Ft. The Dream- Cookie Jar My girl be setting booby traps To catch me eating Scooby snacks I left crumbs in the bed once But I told her I was through with that To the average person, the meaning of this song appears to be painfully obvious, but like anything else, it’s important to dig a bit deeper into its language to find the song’s true significance. The rich imagery in these lines really allows the stanza to serve its symbolism on a silver platter. On the other hand, if we were to interpret this song solely on its manifest content, one might propose that this tune was created to bring the obesity epidemic in America to light. The subject of this Gym Class Heroes hit is so corpulent that they can’t keep their fingers out of the proverbial cookie jar. Eating in bed, eating treats for cartoon dogs, eating whatever falls into their gullet and whatever else may help chase away the pains of fatness. When viewed in this perspective,the individual in this song completely embodies the all too familiar sentiment: “I eat because I’m unhappy, I’m unhappy because I eat.” Ke$ha – We R Who We R Hot and dangerous If you’re one of us, then roll with us ‘Cause we make the hipsters fall in love And we've got our hot-pants on and up And yes of course we does, we running this town just like a club And no, you don’t wanna mess with us Got Jesus on my necklace In an enlightening move, Ke$ha immediately informs her listener of the type of social group she enjoys spending time with. Her rich descriptions allow the listener to deduct a few things about her and the comrades she associates with: They like hot pants; they “get down” with Jesus, and they do not tolerate messes. Ke$ha and her squad have also started running a town as if it were some sort of exclusive club for fancy boys and girls alike. While this stanza exudes a more entrepreneurial tone than many Ke$ha fans are accustomed to, this tune is the perfect example of a fun romp to foxtrot to at the next local sock hop! Marvin Gaye- Sexual Healing And when I get that feeling I want sexual healing Sexual healing, oh baby
9) You get the shits Whether it’s nerves, caffeine, last night’s case of PBR, or some undercooked Thai food, none of these day-ruiners will take mercy on your colon when you need it most. The only thing worse than taking a fifteen-page written final exam is the need to poop during said final.
Makes me feel so fine Helps to relieve my mind Sexual healing baby, is good for me Sexual healing is something that's good for me Marvin Gaye is an individual who does not use figurative language as the means to his end. There’s no implied metaphor or symbolism here, people; what this passage is stating is that when Mr. Gaye gets that feeling, he wants some vagina to relieve it. His approach is straightforward; it isn’t Lady Gaga referring to her penis as a “disco stick,” this song is Marvin “Pussy Poacher” Gaye’s way of going on record to say that he finds satisfaction in intercourse and it’s also beneficial to his health. He states the facts—something that many of us can appreciate in the sea of poetics that exists in popular music today. TLC – No Scrubs A scrub is a guy who thinks he's fly And is also known as a buster ... [Chorus] I don't want no scrub A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me Although TLC’s billboard topping hit, “No Scrubs” was released over a decade ago on their critically acclaimed album, Fanmail with other widely popular songs like “Silly Ho” and “Unpretty,” “No Scrubs” remains to be TLC’s most important contribution to the musical landscape. In the first lines of the song, we are introduced to an adjective that perfectly describes the male at hand [scrub], which was previously limited to “buster.” Although the innovation, emotion, and dedication that TLC put into this song is blatantly apparent throughout, the heart of this ballad lies in the chorus. After learning that a scrub is synonymous with buster, we also discover that these men cannot yield any love from the artist. This statement demonstrates the females’ independence and willingness to denounce the men attempting to “holler” at them—a commendable characteristic for females around the world. Similar to the greatest pieces of literature of our history, these lyrics are the foundation of our nation’s philosophies on love, hope, dreams and the American Way. We hope that you’ll continue to question, analyze, and think critically about these works (and others) in order to form your own interpretations. After all, if it weren’t for the morally rich and thought-provoking lyrics that come from such talented artists like LMFAO and Ke$ha, it’s difficult to say where our country might be today.
8) You get stuck next to the fatso You specifically get to your exam twenty minutes early to find a seat in the back corner that will let you stretch out to your most comfortable exam position. However, right before the exam starts, the smelly, fat person who gets to the exam in the nick of time targets you with their Terminator-like radar and sits next to you, crushing both your dreams and elbows. 7) You don’t wake up Oversleeping on exam day is a nightmare in itself because as soon as you wake up and realize it’s already 45 minutes into the exam, your body moves so quickly out of bed that you literally transform into a blur of sounds. There’s screaming, crying and the repetition of words like, “fuck,” “shit,”and “fucking shit balls.” 6) You get an unexpected boner There’s something about middle-aged teachers passing out stacks of stapled papers (that hold the key to your bright future) that can be such an aphrodisiac. When you factor in the steamy TAs suspiciously eyeing you like you have answers written on the inside of your glasses with invisible ink, an exam-boner is almost expected, if not encouraged. 5) You get caught cheating Or plagiarizing. If your teacher catches your eyes popping out of your head because you didn’t put in the extra hours of cramming coffee and unnecessary material into your brain last night, you’re not just going to get a slap on the wrist. You’re going to get screwed by the long dick of the administration. 4) Distractions on distractions on distractions Whether it’s a legitimate excuse like your childhood dog dying the week before finals, or your roommates breaking into a fight that hails the beginning of World War III that’s got your insides twisted into an emotional pretzel, any distraction that leaves you staring at the ceiling until 4:30 a.m. during finals week is bound to ruin your studying mojo. 3) Getting sick Like, real sick. Like can’t stand up without fainting, still tired after 12-hour naps, vomiting through your nose, sick. This kind of “pre-exam” sick is one that makes you wish you still lived with your parents. Who else is going to cure you with a gift bag full of DVDs, chicken noodle soup and drugs? 2) Your teacher wants to hang out with you after the exam Your response should sound something similar to “Only if this is going to get me an automatic 4.0 and a beer after that metaphorical brain and ass sodomy you just put me through.” If they agree after that statement, you just found yourself a new drinking buddy. 1) You fail the final, fail the class, and cannot graduate on time. This is when you start considering bribery. Whether it’s monetary or sexual (hopefully you have a sexy prof if it’s the latter), it may be what you need to do to get yourself out of the biggest pickle of your life. If that doesn’t work, enjoy life as the creepy 24-year-old in Math 103.
black betty wrote this
grazing at sparty's teddy baum cox wrote this
With finals around the corner, Spartans are forced to trek across this snowy campus to prepare at one of the buildings we all know and hate love : The library. With such fierce dedication to passing academic dedication, a kid’s got to eat. UnFortunately, nothing is more convenient better than the Sparty’s Café located inside the building. Today, we explore the menu of Sparty’s by diving face first into the mediocre finest foods this café has to offer. We will begin our quest to finding dining perfection with one of my personal favorite treats, the Chicken Pesto. Prepared with only the cheapest finest ingredients and thrown on a panini grill prepared by the broke ass college students most knowledgeable culinary staff, this is one late night meal that will make you hate yourself satisfy. Presented in only the most inexpensive classiest way, the Chicken Pesto is wrapped in an ungodly abundant amount of aluminum foil, making the consumer feel as if they are about to freebase a lot of crack uncover a delectable meal. Unwrapping the Chicken Pesto is sure to annoy get the attention of everybody around you and make the kids who are tweaking out on uppers working diligently glare at you with hate envy. At first bite, you will find that what this sandwich lacks in presentation, it makes up for with oil taste. Dripping with Sparty’s ball sweat juices, the pesto-dunked marinated chicken breast will leave an odor of an Olive Garden kitchen on your clothes for the next 1-3 days a rich and longlasting aroma into the air. The chicken is thrown placed between into two pieces of their less stale fanciest bread and is covered in not gourmet melted cheese. If you pair this sandwich with a Red Bull, you will be hard pressed to find a better meal to clog your arteries and make your heart race than this one.
The bcs standings While many Spartans are still mourning the loss of the Big Ten Championship Game and our chance to play in the Rose Bowl once again, others are getting all riled up about the BCS rankings, because let’s be real, they’re more like the BS rankings! The way rankings are computed for the Bowl Championship Series is something many people (I, especially) don’t understand. This year, U of M is headed to a BCS bowl and we’re headed to the Outback Bowl, which has left many of us befuddled and emotionally distressed. Instead of taking the time to understand how their gypsy system works, I’ve spent a great deal of time developing my own system of ranking teams in a way that makes complete sense. Alas, I present you with the BCS (Bailey Championship Series) system of ranking in all of its flawlessness. Each school can earn up to fifty points total; three schools’ ratings have been released thus far. School: University of Wisconsin—Madison Points earned: Wisconsin seems boring, but if they produce as much cheese as the media has brainwashed me to believe, they’re okay in my book—7 points Overall season record: 10-2 Points earned: Lose two games; lose two points—8 points Popular opinion of their mascot: Bucky the Badger is widely known as the worst mascot in college football past and present. Has anyone ever really been glad that a Badger was around? Points earned: Ugh, Bucky…what else can you really say?—3 points Three words that might come to mind when you look up a picture of their coach: Egghead, weird hairline. Points earned: Sorry about that, Bret; if you wear a hat and lose the gut, I’ll reconsider—2 points Quarterback’s sex appeal: In a picture of him (Russell Wilson) smiling: I’d probably let him MB my Ts even if he weren’t the quarterback. In a picture of him not smiling: I’d only get with him to say I got with him.
On the other hand, if chicken doesn’t tickle your fancy, you may want to try the Italian Sub. If you’re anything like me, the combination of different animals on an Italian sandwich makes you feel silly in your pants masculine. Barely edging out the Chicken Pesto in terms of presentation, its cellophane cover allows this sandwich to look like a penis preparing to breakthrough a dorm-issued condom tantalizing even from inside the wrapper. The sandwich itself looks questionable, but after one bite, you will know why this is one of the cheaper more popular items on the menu. The bread to meat ratio is fucked has an unusually high ratio of bread, but the bread won't shred your mouth like our next item is rather delicious. Pair with a Cherry Coke to minimize the suck maximize the tasty factor. Last and certainly least, but certainly not least, the Turkey Sandwich is one of the more horrendous most palate confusing things I have put in my mouth, and I can safely say this thing sucks ass is on the menu. The bread is supposed to be light and spongy, but instead it is hard as a rock and will undoubtedly destory the roof of you mouth. You ever eat a lot of Captain Crunch and feel like the roof of your mouth is bleeding? Yeah, that's what this is like. Next is the cheese, which I can only assume came from World War II. It smells like sadness and tastes even worse. The real fucker though is the turkey itself. Where did this come from? It is clammy and does not look, taste, or even feel right. Needless to say, I had an assplosion after eating this concoction from hell. Pair with anything really. Nothing can cover up the suck. Well, that’s all my asshole can handle this week we have time for this week. So, the next time you’re at the library and have a hunkering for some overpriced, overprocessed fucking garbage great food, we hope you’ll consider our warnings suggestions. Graze on, flock. Graze on.
bailey walsh wrote this Points earned: When you’re not sure if they’re attractive, they’re probably not ugly, but they’re probably not as attractive as you thought they could have been from that one really good picture—6.7 points Total points earned: 26.7 out of 50 School: University of Michigan Points earned: Ann Arbor is cool; maize is a dumb color; U of M is a good school, but the majority of its students are more pretentious than their school is prestigious—6.5 points Overall season record: 10-2 Points earned: Lose two games; lose two points—8 points Popular opinion of their mascot: Most people think that Michigan’s mascot is a wolverine, but most people would be wrong. The University of Michigan has no mascot. Points earned: No mascot, no points. Even if a wolverine were their mascot, that disgusting animal would be hard-pressed to get any points either—0 points Three words that might come to mind when you look up a picture of their coach: Lots of chins. Points earned: If a point were awarded for every chin Brady Hoke has, it could be three OR it could be four, but better safe than sorry—4 points Quarterback’s sex appeal: If Denard Robinson is as quick in bed as he is on the field, he’s probably got the most unsatisfying sex life ever. On the other hand, if he can keep an erection as long as he can keep his shoelaces untied without falling, he may be experiencing one of Cialis’ most severe side effects. Points earned: Not for me, but maybe for some—7 points Total points earned: 25.5 out of 50 points School: Michigan State University Points earned: MSU makes the other schools in Michigan automatically look less fun by default—10 points
Overall season record: 10-2 Points earned: Lose two games; lose two points—8 points Popular opinion of their mascot: Sparty is like the cool guy in school who gets invited to every party; the guys want to be his friend and the girls (and gay guys) want to blow him. Points earned: You can’t spell Sparty without party; that kind of thing just screams instant VIP access anywhere—10 points Three words that might come to mind when you look up a picture of their coach: Distinguished, squinty eyebrows Points earned: Mark Dantonio can be found scrunching his face in the same way in countless different pictures, but he’s pretty hot for his age—8 points Quarterback’s sex appeal: Kirk Cousins isn’t the kind of man you’d have a one night stand with; he’s the kind of man you’d wine, dine, and take home to meet your parents. Points earned: Hey Kirk, if you’re reading this… I’m single—10 points Total points earned: 46 out of 50 points Well, there you have it, folks; these numbers don’t lie. Although the complete list of BCS rankings is not finished, it will be a tough challenge for any other school to surpass Michigan State University’s top (and well-deserved) spot. Thanks for tuning in.
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SHOUT OUTS! happy 21st- miles & krista. let's hope finals week doesn't get in the way of your regular blackouts. love yaaaa- kath, kay & court CATA, We have safe rides at night, but the school should really invest in shame rides in the morning. Bre - you ready for another pole contest Fri? -Maggie Red hatted biker who I "nudged" with my car door while driving...you deserved it...get out of my lane fool! Pita Pit, Thank you for not calling the cops when my friend and I pissed in your trash can like the true ladies we are. And thank you for not putting it on Youtube as well. Keitho Burrito you smell like dying rats...shower please. Cara, puking in the garbage can and then leaving it there for the weekend isn't cool...hope you like the surprise in your toilet. Love Jess New drinking game: Drink anytime you see a girl's outfit ruined by a pair of Uggs... ready...go! So chris...that was it? A whole semester of chasing and 75 seconds of "pleasure town"... come on...HM SEND IN YOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com
From 'da Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com!
How do you survive finals? "I lock myself in the library and listen to ‘Teach Me How to Dougie’ on repeat." - Kendelle, Junior
you're a sick bastard alex everard wrote this Winter is here and has come bearing gifts of snow, hot cocoa and the holidays. Man, winter, you are just so cool. So, what could possibly put a damper on the most wonderful time of the year? Oh, getting sick as hell and having no one to blame but yourself. Yeah, that. As you lie in bed moaning with a belly full of orange juice and pills, contemplating all the possible reasons your body is in such a dreadful state, you’re bound to hate yourself more with each analysis. If you’re a sick bastard, there’s a 69% chance your illness came from one of the following things.
asshole who doesn’t wash their hands because you’re “building up your antibodies,” you should be that asshole alone. This stranger totally wants to hook-up!: You’re getting ready to move past the flirt phase and into the make-out zone, but you’re not so sure about this person’s hygiene or STD count. Prior to putting your mouth in and around their mouth, you should consider the activities your new friend could have been engaging in just moments before meeting you: Smoking cigarettes, smoking fools on the b-ball court, sharing drinks with their slutty friends, chewing gum in lieu of brushing their teeth, making out with your friends, making out with your friend’s dick, and/or contracting Chlamydia. Yet, somehow, these things are never considered. Not a single fuck is given.
"I cry uncontrollably until it's over." - Kelly, Sophomore
"everyone knows when you're drunk, the only cleaning solution you need is a little hot water and handsoap."
This cup is totally clean!: Everyone has been here. You’re at a party, you can’t find the cups for the keg (or you don’t have the five bones to buy one), so you make that lonely Solo sitting in the corner of the kitchen your target. Approaching him carefully, you check your surroundings to ensure that no one notices the dirty deed you’re about to pull. After you’ve grabbed Mr. Solo Cup, you take a peek inside and find him holding some cakey, brown substance. It could be old pop, it could be tobacco spit, or it could be some form of black mold, but you’re not worried about illnesses at a time like this… you’re worried about getting drunk. And everyone knows when you’re drunk, the only cleaning solution you need is a little hot water and handsoap. You take that bad boy to the bathroom and give it a few swirls with the antibacterial mixture inside before shaking it dry. Bingo bango, you’ve got a cup for the night. That cup may be the reason you’re lying on your deathbed, but that’s the thing about cups— they might be clean, they might not be. I probably need to build up my antibodies!: College kids are constantly touching tips, bumping bodies, and grinding gears without any concern for those who may come in contact with them. If you’re going to be the
Pass that joint!: It’s late, you’re winding down from the party and looking for some of that sweet, sweet ganja to take you to that special place. So, you puff the magic doobie without concerning yourself with where everyone else has been placing their mouths all night and inhale the sweet, sweet smoke of that sweet, sweet aforementioned ganja. Things are sweet (until they turn sour) and you’re so sick with a sickness that the only highs you get are from NyQuil. Finally after lying in a bed of your bacteria and self-pity for what seems like days, but was actually only a few hours, you discover something on the nightstand next to you. What’s this? A prescription of amoxicillin and some Gatorade? And the urge to nap? And now you’re feeling brand new? Wow! That was awfully quick for being so sick. But then again, maybe the only thing that was ever sick was the rhymin’ I spit. Later, gators.
"Caffeine, Adderall, and as much food as I can eat in the Brody Caf." - RaeAnn, Junior
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MSU vs. 'Zaga at 9PM! 4pm – 8pm: Happy Hour $4 Domestic Pitchers $1 Off All Wines, $2 Single Wells 8pm – 2am: $6 Mini Pitchers $1 Off Beer, $3 Vodka Bombs, $3 Soco Limes, $3 Washington Apple
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$3 Pints, Calls, and Bacardi Bombs $3 Bloody Mary’s and Mimosas $8 Burger & Fries with a Pint
$1 Off Beer $4 23oz Domestics Half Off Appetizers Bloody Mary Bar! Lions vs. Vikings at 1PM!
6:00pm - 10:00pm Taco Trio with drink purchase 3 beef tacos $2.75 3 chicken tacos $2.75
$5 Premium Pitchers $4.50 Labbatt's Pitchers $4 Domestic Pitchers
Monday Night Football! $2 Domestic Lites $2 Well Drinks
4pm – 8pm: Happy Hour $3 Well Drinks $4 Tall Domestic Drafts $1 Off All Wines & All Appetizers 8pm – 2am $3 Double Wells, $4 23oz Domestics $3 Choice Shots, $2 Kamikaze
Half-off all food, ALL DAY
$2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Light, Rolling Rock Bottles $2.50 Call Drinks, SoCo Lime and Kamikazes! $3.50 Long Islands
$3 All Pints $3 Calls DJ Juan 10PM
4pm – 8pm: Happy Hour $4.99 Burger Combo! 8pm – 2am $3 Double Wells, $4 23oz Domestics $3 Choice Shots, $2 Kamikaze
Taco Tuesday Taco Trio with drink purchase, ALL DAY!
$2.50 Bottles of Bud & Bud Light $3 Rumpleminz White Gummy Bears $2 Well Drinks or $4 Doubles
1/2 Off Wednesday 1/2 Off Everything except premiums $3.99 Basket of Wings from 4pm-9pm DJ Juan 10PM
4pm – 8pm: Happy Hour 8pm – 2am $3 Double Wells, $4 23oz Domestics $3 Choice Shots, $2 Kamikaze
1/2 OFF Wednesday Half-off all food, ALL DAY!
@MSUBlackSheep 1600+ and going strong.
The Bar Grid Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close Sunday - Friday: $1.00 off ALL tall Drafts, $3 Smirnoff® flavors, Crown Royal®, Captain Morgan®, Jack Daniel’s®, SoCo®, Jameson Irish Whiskey® & $2 Select Shots PLUS $3 select appetizers
HAPPY HOUR! Mon - Fri, 4-7 1/2 Off Drinks and Drafts
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Specials Run All Day & All Night 7 Days A Week!
Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close Join us for FREE trivia starting at 10pm! Spartans vs. C. Conn at 8PM
Wipeout Wednesday 1/2 Off Food 1/2 Off Drinks 1/2 Off Beers 1/2 Off Bottles of Wine
$2 Domestics 11AM to 6pm Watch the Spartans Beat C. Conn with $1 Pints 8PM-12AM $1.50 Miller High Life 10pm - 12am
$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas
Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close 55-cent boneless wings Join us for Happy Hour!
Thirstygirl Thursday DJ EC3 – NO Cover $1.95 You Call It Wells, Calls & Beers
“Thirsty Thursday” $0.75 Cans of Faygo $1.75 Pints of Badass Beer $1.50 Miller High Life 10pm - 12am
$2 Domestic Pints & Wells $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads
Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close Enjoy $3 select appetizers starting at 9pm
TGIF $2.50 Pints & Bombs $2.50 Captain Drinks $2.50 Jack Drinks
$2 Domestic Pints & $4 Bombs $3 Captain & Bacardi Drinks (All Flavors) $2 Washington Apple Shots Cheeseburger Combo/Falafurger Combo W/Pitcher $11 Dom/$13 Craft
$5 Domestic & $7 Craft/Premium Pitchers, $5 16oz Long Islands 22oz Dead Guy Ales, $2 SoCo Limes $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our "Other" Wines Great Food Specials All Day!
Buy one dawg and drink (soda/beer/ juice) and ask for a free small fry!
$1.50 Miller High Life 10pm - 12am
Spartans vs. Gonzaga at 9PM! Go Green! Go White!
$2 Pints $3 Calls
Come Watch msu vs. 'zaga at 9pm with $1.50 Miller High Life 10pm - 12am
Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close Spartans at 2PM! Lions vs. Vikings at 1PM!
SUNDAY SCHOOL NO Cover $1.75 Pints, 1/2 Off Pizza Until 7PM 1/2 Off Adult Beverages 7 - Close
Watch the Lions Kill The Vikings at 1PM! Come Cheer on Schwartz with $2 DOMESTICS ALL DAY LONG! $1.50 Miller High Life 10pm - 12am
$3 Managers Choice Craft Beer Pintse $3 16oz Oasis Bloody Marys & Mimosas $6 Oasis Margarita Pitchers $3.50 Oasis Margarita Glasses $2 Well Whiskey Drinks $5 Off Kabob Combos For Two & $2 Off Veggie Sampler Appetizers
SUN, 12/11 MON, 12/12
Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close 55- cent boneless wings Monday Night Football! Come catch all the game action on our big screen TVs!
$1.75 Pints $3.50 Pitchers
$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Bottles $4 Featured Martinis $2.50 Glasses of House Wine $6 1/2 Lbs. Cheeseburger & Falafurger Combo
Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close 45-cent traditional wings Stop in for lunch combos starting at $6.99 served in 15 minutes or less!
Taco Tuesdays FREE Taco Buffet 7PM – 10PM $1.75 Wells $3.00 Well Doubles $2.50 Margaritas $8.50 Buckets of Coronas
Twos-day! 11am - 10:30pm 2 Special Coneys for $2 24oz Keystone for $2 $1 Pints 6PM-12AM $1.50 Miller High Life 10pm to 12am
$3 Made-in-Michigan Beers (Bottles and Pints) $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses of All Our Made in Michigan Wines $6 Pitchers of Oasis Mai Tai's $3.50 Glasses of Oasis Mai Tai's $3 Off Select Appetizers
Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close Join us for FREE trivia
Wipeout Wednesday 1/2 Off Food 1/2 Off Drinks 1/2 Off Beers 1/2 Off Bottles of Wine
“Slider Specials” $1 Singles/$2 Doubles 100% Ground Angus (toppings extra) $2 Domestics 11AM to 6pm $1 Pints 6PM-12AM $1.50 Miller High Life (10pm - 12am)
$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas
Age: 24 Major: Human Resources Relationship Status: Single If you had to describe yourself in 3 words, which would they be? Outgoing, genuine, and flirty Would you consider yourself artsy, sporty, or nerdy? Sporty What’s the first job you ever had? Server at Pizza Hut What’s your dream job? Owning real estate What’s your favorite MSU sport to follow? Football What’s your guilty pleasure? Peanut M & M’s What’s the best or most ridiculous pick-up line you’ve ever heard from a customer?
the fame name game You’re one of those turds who constantly points out obscure actors in movies and wins every obnoxious six degrees of separation game. Boy, are you in luck. What You'll Need: Friends and alcohol and the IMDB app on your phone wouldn’t hurt. Number of Players: 2 or more, so no pressure if you don’t have a lot of friends. Intoxication Level: You’ll party like a rock star, so you’ll have a hangover like one without all the nice prescription drugs to help in the morning. How to play: - Circle up with your pals. - One person begins the game by saying the name of someone famous. Could be a movie star, singer, dead president, or captain of a cereal. Doesn’t matter as long as he has celebrity enough to be recognized by the group. - The next person in the circle must now come up with a celebrity whose name begins with the last letter of the previous celebrity’s name. Jack Black -> Kevin Bacon -> Nat King Cole, etc. - If someone initiates a Double Letter Celebrity then the game must continue on with the pattern. For example: Jeff Bridges-> Summer Sanders -> Sarah Silverman -> Nick Nolte, etc. - A player is declared the loser when they cannot name a name to continue the circle of fame. - Loser must take a shot and begin the next round. - Rinse and repeat. The Game Ends When: Gary Busey shows up to your party. That’s when you know shit has gotten out of control.
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“Nice shoes, wanna fuck?” If you could invite 3 historical figures to a party, who would they be? Marilyn Monroe, Abe Lincoln, and Hillary Clinton Tell me about the worst date you’ve ever gone on? It was with a lobbyist… enough said If you could hook up with any celebrity, who would it be? David Beckham What are your biggest turn-ons? Tall men with sexy voices What are your biggest turn-offs? Being rude or full of shit Shoutouts: Everyone I’ve met bartending and all the employees at Dublin and The Firm!
recipe for disaster: Linda's Old Fashioned Tacos This is an old family recipe that Chef Linda has been making for decades. It’s perfect for when you don’t have much money to spend but you need to feed more than yourself for a night. Or you’re really high. What you'll need: Hamburger meat, corn tortillas, cheese, lettuce, hot sauce, vegetable oil, and a stove. Time to cook: 1 minute per taco. Fatty factor: Through the roof. Let's get baked: - Open up your hamburger meat and tortillas. Take one tortilla and cover half of it with a thin layer of meat. Repeat this process until you have met your desired amount of tacos. - Fill a pan full of oil and heat it up on your stove. - Once the oil begins to crackle, place the meat-covered shell into the pan. - After about 20-30 seconds, fold the shell in half to form a perfect taco-like shape. - Allow another 20-30 seconds for the meat to fully cook. - Take the taco out of the oil with a pair of tongs and set it on a plate to dry. - Continue this process until all your hamburger covered tortilla shells have been cooked. - After all the tacos are cooled down enough to touch, open up the taco and fill it up with all of your favorite fixings like cheese, lettuce, and hot sauce. - All you have to do now is open up your mouth and enjoy. While this recipe may clog your arteries by just reading the instructions, it is well worth the added calories. Plus, if you can’t finish all your tacos they make a great meal the next day, just make sure to stay up until sunrise.
A Letter to Graduating Seniors*
*From a junior with at least another year
ziev beresh wrote this Dear Graduating Seniors, Are you guys serious? Why, in the name of all that is holy, would you decide to graduate after fall semester? For one thing, your graduation pictures are going to be just as depressing as the concrete bunker shade of grey that has colored this campus. More importantly, by graduating a full semester earlier than most seniors, you’ve resigned yourselves to entering the real world several months earlier than necessary. Given, this new “real world” is neither more nor less real than any of the previous worlds you may have encountered. I remember everybody saying that I was entering the real world after graduating high school. Oh, how wrong they were. So far, this world has consisted of class four days a week, occasional romps in the sack, and cereal for every meal (followed by large quantities of alcohol). What does post-college life have in store? Unemployment, sexual frustration, and offspring that will inevitably vomit on you. I would also say that you’d lose your Bridge Card, but that probably already happened. Zing! Speaking of unemployment, I’m aware that it’s probably the number one anxiety you have about life after graduation. So, let me soothe you: The truth is that unless you join a wizard rock band, you probably won’t be happy with your new job anyway. That’s assuming you can get one in the first place, so if you do and don’t like it, don’t worry about it. Just like being an art history major doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll work in a gallery, crunching numbers in a cubicle doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll never make middle manager in a couple of decades or so. If it does, maybe you should have stayed in college a little bit longer and majored in something else. Hm, yeah, too bad we don’t get any do-overs.
But, seriously, don’t worry; it’s going to be fine. There are things to look forward to after you graduate: Cooking, match. com, and folk art music festivals, just to name a few. You probably won’t have as many friends as you did in college, but the friends you do have will probably be just as depressed as you are. And while you can’t party and act as irresponsibly as you did in college, you can reminisce about those things whenever you want. Seriously, whenever— you’re probably going to have a lot of free time when you’re not working or being depressed with your depressing friends. That being said, the best thing you can do to deal with the reality of graduation is to cherish the time you’ve spent at MSU and think of it as a good dream. The fact that life is full of challenges doesn’t necessarily guarantee that you won’t be happy, and if it does, you clearly aren’t cut out for this life. The rest of your 20s will be a transitional period in which you'll often find yourself trying to balance feelings of frustration and joy while making mistakes and dealing with a constant sense of uprootedness. Actually, this will be the rest of your life. As for me, I’ll be here a little bit longer. Holding down the fort. Living the dream. But, uh, best of luck. I’m sure you’ll figure it out. Warm wishes and soft kisses, Ziev Beresh
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the movie page Based on the Trailer
hugo Mike Byrnes saw this and gave it a...
Starring: Charlize Theron, Patton Oswalt, Patrick Wilson What You Need to Know: A teen-lit writer (Theron) returns to her small, crappy hometown to relive her glory days and reclaim her high-school sweetheart (Wilson) who is, like, married with kids. Obviously that’s hard to do (legalities and what not), so she spends most of her time at the bar with a former classmate (Oswalt) and becomes besties. What We Think: Whoa, wait. We’re suppose to believe Charlize Theron is a “young adult?” Come on, young adults don’t look 36 and are waaay less accomplished. Right? No? Oh shit. Well, whatever, with Diablo Cody (Juno) penning the screenplay, this film looks awesome.
Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows
Starring: Robert Downey, Jr., Jude Law, Rachel McAdams What You Need to Know: World famous detective Sherlock Holmes (Downey, Jr.) is trying to solve another crime, this time involving the Crown Prince of Austria who he believes was murdered, because why on Earth would you kill yourself if you’re a prince!? Somehow he meets up with Watson (Law) at a gentlemen’s club for “research,” where things start to get real crazy. What We Think: With all the damn accents and sexy actors, we’re not really sure if we can keep up with it all. Save this one for when it’s on dad’s tab and you get a nice Applebee’s salad afterwards.
extremely loud and incredibly close
Starring: Tom Hanks, Sandra Bullock, Thomas Horn What You Need to Know: Based on the novel by Jonathan Safran Foer, this post-9/11 drama follows a 9-year-old boy (Horn) whose father (Hanks) was killed in the terrorist attacks. After his death, he finds a key in his father’s closet and goes on a journey to find out what it unlocks. What We Think: A tearjerker just for the holidays, this film actually looks incredibly moving and slightly nostalgic because, man, eff the terrorists. And how can you not smile at a charming father/son relationship, especially when the father of Chet Haze is playing the role? If we were seeing a movie on Christmas, this would be it.
Asa Butterfield, Chloe Grace Moretz
The most interesting movie made about clockmaking ever We're not all adept clockmakers, filmmakers, actresses, writers, gigolos or bearded women. Not everyone can fix anything, perform magic tricks, uphold the law, run forty-five miles an hour, or give orgasmic back massages (Fleming can. You can find him in the Sig Ep basement and will rub out your kinks and knots for cheap!). It seems, though, that everyone has at least one thing that they can do well or better than most people. For the average college student, this includes sneaking ‘Stones into the bar, drunk-yelling at strangers, or the inherent ability to stay out all night and still make it into work the next morning (because showing up is good enough, right?). Martin Scorsese is pretty good at making movies. His most recent film, Hugo, a fantasy film about clockmakers and magic, only reinforces his genius. This fun family film is based on a lot of true events, but Hugo displays a triumph of the imagination, and serves as a great tribute to the power of creativity through filmmaking. There are no guns or explosions in Hugo; the excitement instead manifests itself through innocent magic, beautiful cinematography and emotional depth.
Hugo Cabret (Butterfield), the son of a clock-maker, grows up watching his father repair clocks, things around the house and really just about anything. The father, who works at a museum, brings home a broken automaton, an automated “robot” specifically designed for one purpose. In the movie, this automaton is made to write. After an accident in the museum, Hugo is forced to live with his abiding uncle within the walls of a train station as an adventure unfolds concerning Hugo’s deceased father and the automaton he left behind. With the help of the store owner's goddaughter, Isabelle (Moretz), Hugo learns a lot more about the man than he intended, and in turn learns what his part in this machine-like world is. One of the most jarring aspects of Hugo is the absolutely stunning display of 3D technology. If there’s one director who could take the so-far gimmicky medium of 3D films and make them legitimate, it would be Martin Scorsese. This is exactly what Scorsese and Hugo accomplished. Hugo, more than anything, shows Scorsese’s strong passion for filmmaking and imagination. Scorsese’s history clearly played a
Martin Scorsese trivia!
big part in the plot of Hugo, as many facts about the origins of filmmaking and Georges Méliès, one of the first great film artists and inspiration for Scorsese, were inputted into the story line. The 3D, as opposed to being a focal point of the film, actually serves to brighten the imaginative feel of the movie, and show people once again that movies have the ability to be magical and awe-inspiring. I would love to make a bunch of jokes about this movie, beg Martin Scorsese to get back into grown-up movies where he belongs and call clock fetishists gross. But the fact is that this is a genuine, heartfelt, and aesthetically pleasing film, akin to kissing Scarlett Johannson's mouth. Hugo is a truly wonderful film with lessons about family, bravery and, most importantly, the importance of imagination, innocence, and dreams. Making a joke about something silly and pointless would truly do this film a great disservice. But because this is a comedy paper, I will make this one particularly scathing criticism of Marty Scorsese. Dude's glasses are DORKY! I'M OUT! (*mic drop*).
answers are a few from here
december 13: Kung Fu Panda 2 Rise of the Planet of the Apes Fright Night The Expendables december 20: Midnight in Paris Dolphin Tale Warrior Colombiana Straw Dogs
How many times has Martin Scorsese been married?
Which of Scorsese's films won the 1976 Palme d'Or, the highest prize at the Cannes Film Festival?
Which film did Scorsese direct that would later become #1 on Roger Ebert’s movie list in 1990?
What role was Scorsese offered in the film Helter Skelter?
HOLIDAY ENTERTAINMENT MATRIX . bloWin’ uP
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modErn WarfarE 3
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ThE lEgEnd of zElda: skyWard sWord
currEn$y - jET World ordEr
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( class time )
Best Selling Christmas Gifts from Years Past - iPod - Nook - Playstation - Bratz - Robosapiens - Razor - Pokemon - Furby - Tamagotchi - Elmo - Beanie Baby - Pog - GameBoy
- Care Bear - Transformer - Cabbage Patch - Pet Rock - Legos - Tinker Toy - Bicycle - TMNT - Barbie
S K T S T M N T N A
B E A N I E B A B Y
O M L E N L R M O Y
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Y N R O O B Y C E P
Y P S F E A BO Y I MK S T H I E C EG
T O E R S E A E B A
A R K C O R T E P B
MM ME A Y E E LM AK I O YO F N BA
T A S ROK GAA BR Z BR S OE U NNR B EM BRC CMO
R T I P O D F A T B
Z S N O C R E G C O
Trivia Answers: 1) Five 2) Taxi Driver 3) Goodfellas 4) Charles Manson Meet The Staff! Managing Editor Bailey Walsh Advertising Manager Anthony Dostal Contributing Writers Alex Everard Cristina Toscano Justin Gawel Alex Acton Andrew Fleming Cody Manthei Frank Sorise Samantha Shaughnessy Billy Gardner Leanne Johnson Ziev Beresh photographer Jackie Cash
Distribution Annalise Stromsta (Manager) Anna Aiken (Helper) pr team Jessica Holli Chris Amrich campus director Brendan Bonham Founders Atish Doshi Brendan Bonham Questions?
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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally. Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747
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