Volume 5, Issue 13 | 11/30/11 -12/07/11 | theblacksheeponline.com
e... lik cho e a w col ee at k o es fl ilk eft pie ov er .
“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”
in the Michigan State Library
bailey wrote this
As the fall semester approaches its end, students in every major are slapped with the cold, hard dick of reality that rages long and hard before finals week. That reality differs for each person, but tends to include preparing for a plethora of papers, exams, projects, or some combination of the three. Because of this, MSU’s Main Library will soon begin to see its highest occupancies of the semester. If you thought the library sucked before, get ready for it to deep throat. Hard. Since the lib will be chock full of weirdos for the next two weeks; here are a few things you can look forward to (hating) while you’re at the library next: What You’ll See: A seemingly inconspicuous person who once studied quietly in a private cubby is now the scene of the show from their deliberate displays of disgust (read: someone shaking their head and/or rolling their eyes), wide eyes that were once focused on the paper before them are now focused on the glares of repugnance they shoot from one seat to another (read: giving people the stink eye), and a string of patience that once seemed endless is now hanging from its last thread (read: someone is about to go fucking nuts). What They’re Suffering From: Excessive distraction. Dedicated library dwellers don’t take the term “quiet study” lightly, and they certainly don’t go to the library to socialize (unless it’s with the all-too-charming library clerks). Those clerks will literally charm the pants right off of you if given the opportunity. Trust me. What You’ll See: Small, crumpled squares of paper that were once folded neatly as
04: A Comparative Analysis of Winter Apparel What do you mean Uggs and North Face jackets are popular?
part of a pack are now littered across the table (read: gum wrappers), empty containers that once held a liquid capable of satiating thirst are now lined along the table’s edge (read: any kind of beverage), and a body that once longed for sleep now has limbs and appendages that crave constant activity (read: can’t stop fidgeting). What They’re Suffering From: Too many amphetamines. Like cocaine, Adderall (cocaine’s baby sister) has its side effects. Not only does it make your mouth feel like it should be busy at all times (how about a few dozen blowjobs then, eh?!), it gives you some of the worst cottonmouth known to man. Pair that with an inability to sit still and you’ve got someone rollin’ on Addy, no doubt. What You’ll See: A formerly-determined body that once had a bright idea is now a head defeated in folded arms (read: a person with their head down on a desk), and a storm of scattered thoughts that once dreamed of cohesiveness are now just leaves of paper that will never be greater than they tree they came from (read: scratch paper). What They’re Suffering From: Writer’s block. We’ve all been there; you need to write 12 pages on the negative effects that animal fornication in the media has on children and you’d be lion if you said you knew how to write about monkey dicks in any light but a positive one. As horrifying as all of this sounds (and is), there is one solution: don’t go to the fucking library. If every goddamn goon on this campus didn’t go there to study for finals, it might not be the hellhole that is…but because they do, it is. Good luck and godspeed.
05: Things to Do Before 2012
The world may be ending, but your fun doesn’t have to be.
05: The Black Sheep Book Club
Who knew crazy old literature could be so badass?
04: top 10 Reasons to Stay In Bed Vs. Go to Class.
10: Drinking Game: Hipster Spotter Well, this game doesn’t sound too hard.
07: Eat This, Not That We establish what is worth your cash at local restaurants.
11: Leo’s Coney Island Monopolizes Local Breakfast Industry: The little guys are always being pushed out by the slightly-lesslittle guys.
07: From the Streets If you could go back in time and hook up with any historical figure, who would it be and why?
10: Bartender of the Week Jon from Lou and Harry’s is blunt, sarcastic and stubborn, or so he tells us. 10: Recipe for Disaster: Big Mac & Cheese Don’t worry ladies, it won’t go straight to your thighs. Well, not all of it.
12: Movie Review The Muppets made us feel fuzzy again. 13: The Black Sheep Interviews: O’Brother These prog rockers are pretty much like family now. 13: CD Review: Gorillaz keep us happy. 14: The Riddle Solve it and win a prize...if you're smart enough, and fast enough!
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Definition: The generally broke nature of a college student. “Yeah, I’m gonna make so much bank when I grow up, but I’m drinking Colt 45 because I’m really preprosperous right now.”
THe top ten Reasons to Stay In Bed vs. Go To Class Beep…beep…fuck. When that alarm goes off in the morning, we’re faced with a critical decision: Continue cuddling our sweet, sweet pillow, or go say hello to a cruel and heartless world. There really shouldn’t be any debate at all. You know you’re just going to sit in a half conscious daze while some academic fartmuncher waxes poetic on topics you had no interest in to begin with. Unfortunately, success requires attendance. That being said, we’ve compiled a list of the positive and negative aspects to staying in bed, and of course, getting your ass out of it. Stay In Bed 10. Sleeping Is Healthy A lack of sleep can affect your ability to focus and actually impede your productivity, so you might as well just stay in today and try to get out of bed again tomorrow.
TBS Presents: A Comparative Analysis of Winter Weather Apparel Leanne Johnson wrote this Introduction In a recent study conducted by The Black Sheep Research Team, it was discovered that the most common items of clothing worn during the winter months may have an equal number of advantages and disadvantages, despite previous research suggesting otherwise. It’s a well-known fact that each article of clothing we examined (Ugg boots and The North Face jackets), create the appearance of a douchebag. However, this study will ascertain whether or not this ‘douchebag effect’ is heavily outweighed by the extreme warming capabilities of each item of clothing. We predict that the probability of person(s) wearing these items for the sake of personal warmth is higher than the person(s) desire to be socially accepted by the fashionistas of this university. Method The method of obtaining results was based on a previous study done by the Journal of Sorority Scholars. (This study is not meant to discredit the previous one, but rather to point out biases that may have flawed the results due to the exclusion of random students and the limited selection of test subjects, (which were sorority sisters with an inherent Ugg boot and puffy/furry jacketloving opinion.)) In the early weeks of November, TBS researchers conducted a population-based study on Michigan State University’s campus. This study included a survey of candidates selected at random to participate in a short interview. Each participant was asked questions that would reveal their opinions on Ugg boots and The North Face jackets. The items of clothing that each participant was wearing were also noted in order to yield the data required to calculate the ratio of the cold weather accessories to students with and without mental impairments. Results The data collected suggested that the majority of students agree on the heinous appearance, but they
also see the extreme practicality of the winter weather clothing items at hand. In response to Ugg boots, there were a wide variety of reactions: “They’re Uggly,” “They’re worn by big foot bitches with low self-esteem,” and “They’re the most comfortable shoes in the free world. If there’s a God, He created these boots.” On the other hand, “Belle Tire man,” “Eskimo wannabe bitch,” and “A pocketful, a pocketful of sunshine” were used to describe the puffy North Face jackets and the people who wear them. Students agreed that these items were designed to be “as fugly as humanly possible,” but, “provide enough warmth and comfort to survive the trek to classes.” As with any study, there were a few results that our team categorized as “extreme” because they differed so radically from the outcomes we found in the majority. One sophomore female from Delta Gamma saw nothing wrong with the design, “I absolutely love the way these boots look on my feet and my puffy North Face totally acts as a sleeping bag when I pass out at Rick’s. What’s not to love?!” Another student, who was hospitalized shortly after the interview due to hypothermia, said, “I refuse to give into the consumerism behind The North Face and Ugg industry. This is what’s wrong with America! Don’t these people see that they’re all paying to look the same?” This “protester” was wearing destroyed skinny jeans, a Radiohead t-shirt, and a pair of Dr. Dre Beats headphones as earmuffs. Although we did not gather all the information we needed to classify this peculiar subject, we ultimately placed him in the “slightly impaired hipster with a cause” category. At the end of the study, 90% of students fell into the category that confirmed our hypothesis that the clothing items we researched have equally beneficial and detrimental effects. In layman’s terms, students think, “this shit’s ugly but they’re fucking cold.” To conclude this study, we predict that Ugg Australia and The North Face will stay in business as long as they continue to shave and exploit the animals needed to create their products.
9. Last Night Was Fun Sunday Funday, Tipsy Tuesday. If you decide to get hammered on a school night, anticipate staying in bed the next day. Going to recitation hungover is worse than having a pirate tap dance in your eye sockets. Trust me. 8. You Look Too Good Today You woke up and your hair is perfect and your skin looks like a Greek god’s. You are simply too good looking to waste the planetary alignment that occurred today in favor of being ignored and bored in class. Sleep in, and then go outside to flaunt your stuff instead. 7. Netflix Beckons You mean there are thousands of movies and TV shows that I’ve never seen that I could just sit here and watch for countless hours on end? …Or I could go to class and let the prof scrape my brain with a cheese grater. TV wins. 6. The Weather Number one reason to stay in bed: When you go to a school that had its first snow day in decades last winter, I think it’s safe to say that we all deserve to stay in bed to avoid the blizzard outside (and play with ourselves instead, for once!). Go To Class 5. You’re Pre-Med Holy shit, man. You’re going to be responsible for countless lives in a matter of years. Go to class so you don’t accidently kill somebody (me) for lack of knowledge someday. 4. There’s An Attendance Policy The irony of a professor having an attendance policy is that it almost always indicates that their class is hell. Students before you decided not to come, and rather than make their class less painful, the professor decided he would just lower your grade by a whole letter if you decide not to show up. 3. You Lose Money The cost of a 3-credit class at $444.50 per credit is $1333.50 for the semester. Divide that by 15 weeks, and then again by 2 if the class meets twice a week. Every day skipped equals a loss of $44.45. This is the price of about 3 grams of weed or 4 fifths of cheap booze. Skipping doesn’t feel so good now, does it? 2. Learning, (I Guess) The more you go to class, the less you have to study on your own to make up for it. We’re in college for a reason (sex/booze/fun), but maybe it is worth it to go to class… even if it’s only to balance out what would otherwise be a pretty hedonistic lifestyle. 1. There’s a Total Slampiece in Your Class Hello. My name is “Hot Person In Your Class” and I’m here to make sure that even though you aren’t paying attention, at least you’ll stay awake to look at ME! Eye candy: It’s what actually makes going to class worthwhile.
Ziev Beresh wrote this
Things to Do Before 2012 Ends the World Alex Everard wrote this
As the year 2012 approaches, the countdown marking the end of modern civilization (according to a civilization that ended over a millennium ago) begins. The world will probably end from water shortage, a food crisis, a Bachmann/Cain White House, or an alien invasion. Regardless of how it goes down, we’re all going to get boned (doggy-style) by powers beyond our control… or we won’t and we’ll all be forced to continue existing in this mundane world without a cool, dramatic ending. Whether the world ends or boringly continues (boo!), here are some things to do before we all die (or live on). Get really stoned and go snorkeling I know what you’re thinking: this is pretty odd to be so high (ha!) on the list. But, I know if you’re thinking that, you are probably also thinking “I guess that does sound like it could be fun…” There are at least four people who have done this before and are just smiling and nodding their heads as they read this. It’s a lifechanging experience, but try to avoid barracuda—losing a finger will totally ruin your mellow, underwater buzz, bro. Drink at every bar in EL and then go to Europe and drink Okay, so you definitely don’t want to live in Europe. Europeans are like the O.G. hipsters, except not only do they hate the mainstream, they also hate the streams that come from showerheads. Their lack of hygiene could be chalked up to them spending all their time on making potent beers and delicious pastries, but no one really knows for sure. Although they’re fun, these people have very lenient alcohol laws that have primed their livers from age 12 and up. That being said, you
might find your limbs being played like a puppeteer by an old Irishman if you’re not careful. Treat Yoself To anything. This is (potentially) the last year of humankind’s mindless consumerism. Why not celebrate the very thing that brought us to the verge of extinction by doing it even more? Fuck you, universe! Humans will go out like ballers, ballin’ out in yo face while you’re busy wasting away like a little bitch. We only have twelve more months to live? Let’s fuck this Earth up! Get Your Sex On Regardless of whether or not the world is ending, we can all agree that sex is probably the best way to spend your time… unless you’ve never had sex. And in which case, you should probably not have sex because if the world does end, you’re going to be even more pissed you waited until its waning moments to make glorious love for the first and last time. If you do have it, the sex is going to be unlike any other sexing of your life; this trip to poundtown is going to involve “do-me-likethe-world-is-ending” type stuff. You know, kinky stuff. So, while this may be the last year of humanity, it may also be another semi-decent 365 days. However the cookie crumbles (I’m using that phrase because the world might end and I’ve never said it before), you will have a great year if you complete the activities I’ve outlined for you. On the other hand, if you get attacked by a shark, die of alcohol poisoning in Europe, bury yourself in debt, catch an STD, or drown in the Red Cedar – I’ll apologize when the world does end.
The Black Sheep Book Club Presents: Beowulf Cody Manthei wrote this Here at The Black Sheep, we enjoy the finer things in life: The smell of freshly-laid asphalt, up-skirt shots of celebrities, and of course, fortified wine. But, above all of these fabulous gifts from God, what we enjoy most is a good book. I mean, come on, we’re all alcoholic writers who do two things in their free time— masturbate and read. That’s why we’ve decided to create The Black Sheep Book Club! This club gives us an opportunity to culture your bitch-asses with a little lesson in literature. This week, our club will take a look at the medieval classic: Beowulf. (We realize Beowulf is actually a poem, but we’re going to refer to it as a book anyway because it’s our fucking club.) The most important thing about reading Beowulf is to completely disregard the last two thirds of the book, because after that point, the entire thing goes downhill and becomes incredibly boring. In all honesty, chewing on a razor blade would probably be more enjoyable than reading the last two thirds of this thing. Anyway, the story begins by introducing us to King Hrothgar. Like his name suggests, he is quite awesome. He’s like the dad in high school who used to buy half gallons of Popov for all the kids in the neighborhood. First and foremost, he owns the sickest club in town. (They refer to it as a mead hall, but it’s basically just an “anything-goes” kind of bar.) This place is used to celebrate his victories in battle and every night he would just hand out hundos like they were… things that you just handed out to people. Suddenly, shit gets real and it’s no longer coke dreams and blowjobs like the good ole days of the recent past because this dick monster named Grendel (cool name, bro!) just comes out of nowhere and starts eating people, (which I assume would be a mega buzzkill). And Grendel, (being the selfish asshole that he is) doesn’t just eat one or two guys, he kills at least five. (I’m not 100% sure of the actual number; I was pretty toasted when I read this part.) Eventually, everyone stops coming to Hrothgar’s ragers (because they’re all ticked off about this Grendel guy eating everyone), and this has to be changed. Then, out of nowhere comes Beowulf and he is one buff m*therf*cker. If it were possible to manufacture a human, Beowulf would probably have the body mass of a baby elephant, the
height of Yao Ming, and the hair of Fabio (how I imagine my firstborn son will look). He just shows up one day with a boatload of smaller versions of himself and says to Hrothgar, “Yo, my liege, I’m trying to make Grendel’s monkeybutt wish he was never born.” And Hrothgar’s all like, “Really?” and Beowulf gives him the classic Beowulf head nod. So, after a banging celebration for Beowulf’s arrival, Grendel comes back and he’s hungry for some humans (standard Grendel behavior). He quickly snatches off one of Beowulf’s men and swallows him whole without wasting any time. Naturally, Beowulf steps in to show Grendel what’s up (not cool, Grendel, not cool at all). After a very anti-climactic fight, Beowulf literally tears off Grendel’s hand (though this doesn’t actually kill him). Grendel totally freaks and runs home crying (like a little bitch). The fight makes the crowd go fucking nuts and they throw yet another crazy banger (probably the equivalent of My Super Sweet Sixteen today). They hang the arm up in the mead hall as a symbol of their victory and everyone (probably) high fives it as they walk by it from that day on. This is ultimately the point where the story should end, but Beowulf goes on to murder Grendel’s mother and a dragon for some reason. Nonetheless, the first third of this epic story is worth giving a read and we hope you’ll join us next time!
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SHOUT OUTS! John - just because we hooked up back home doesn't mean you're going to get the time of day back on campus...sorry... see you over Christmas? -Sarah Yo, Rocky and Adrian's relationship is how everyone's should be. Shout out to cbest of chandlers stop being a drunken sloot ALL THE TIME Girl whose dress blew up in the wind outside Riv...sexy panties... private show next time? Guy in Blue NF who helped you up Amanda...what happens over Thanksgiving Break, stays over Thanksgiving break...right? -Paul Hey Jake, next time you decide to come back early from break and swap my bedroom with Toms, you're going to end up locked in the bathroom, again. - S$ Ginger I met at PTs...did you really leave with my Spartan hat in the morning? I want it back! Happy buuurrrrtthhdayyyy Chelz, you ready to barcrawl it up??? -CK & Crew Yes, now I can pee in the snow again Jon! To the guy who blew our date off for my sister...I heard you have scabies now. How's that going? <3, Lotis SEND IN YOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com
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"If you could go back in time and hook up with any historical figure, who would it be and why?" "Biggie, because hot bitches were lining up to sleep with him. I have to see what that was all about." - Cait, Senior
The Black Sheep Presents: Eat This, Not That justin gawel wrote this It’s the most wonderful time of the year again. Nope, not the holidays and certainly not winter—it’s that magical week after Thanksgiving when everyone is back on campus and feeling bloated, weight-sensitive, and looking disgustingly plump. The good news is, you can basically make anyone at the bar feel not-okay-withtheir-body with nothing more than a simple fat joke. It’s open season, (big-game style), and all of my permits are up to date. Hold the phone, though—what kind of monster would I be to encourage people to taunt these tubbies and bother these beached whales without giving these future Rascal Scooter owners some advice on how to cope with the ridicule? Which brings me to . . . Justin Gawel’s Eat This, Not That: Eating Your Feelings Edition
body image and no self-esteem. You don’t need to be a little drama queen about it and suck down twenty sides of ranch out of a Big Gulp cup just to prove a point to them. Pizza House EAT: Any deep-dish pizza: a textbook way to eat your feelings after one too many people at the bar said, “man the harpoons” when you walked by. Deep-dish pizzas are notoriously comforting even to the saddest (and ironically) the shallowest of individuals. DON’T EAT: Any of the salads. Not to knock their salads, but when dealing with an emotional wreck, it’s common knowledge that lettuce can’t stop the tears the way bacon does. I mean, ask any slutty girl or fat kid on campus and they’ll tell you that the end of the night is always better when you’ve got a little bit (or a heaping serving) of meat in you.
Albert Einstein, because I'd want him to impregnate me with his super intelligent child." - Ann, Junior
"it's common knowledge that lettuce can't stop the tears the way bacon does."
What Up Dawg: EAT: The Smokey Dawg, it’s a sausage with bacon, onions, cheese, and barbecue sauce. With the Smokey Dawg, you don’t even need cigarettes to be in flavor country; eating the tears away has never tasted so good. DON’T EAT: The Not Dawg, it’s a soy dog with veggies. You’re trying to take the healthy option so you can lose your Thanksgiving weight, but in all reality, if you’re really serious about slimming down, you need to just stop eating or start crying a lot more (lose all that water weight).
Wings Over East Lansing: EAT: Pretty much anything on the menu, it’s all delicious chicken that will only cause tears of happiness. This chicken is what Enrique Iglesias was referring to when he sang, “You can be my hero, baby. You can take away the pain.” DON’T EAT: Twenty sides of ranch and no chicken wings. If you’re taking this option, then you’re really being a little attention whore. Your friends get it; you have poor
Quality Dairy EAT: MSU Dairy Store ice cream. As soon as ice cream was invented, there were people eating their feelings with it. So, kick back, be old-fashioned, and eradicate those sad feelings by eating enough ice cream to get Type II diabetes and so that English health-freak Jamie Oliver just gives up on America once and for all. DON’T EAT: Any taquito or hot dog thing off of the roller-grill-dealie. On first glance, these things have probably been soaking in grease longer than your depressed self has been soaking in the tub writing bad poetry. You assume they’d be perfect comfort food, right? Wrong. If you’re festively plump, you should know by now that if there is one thing that’s worse than being depressed about your weight, it’s being depressed about your weight in addition to having explosive diarrhea or a tapeworm. If you don’t agree with any of my suggestions thus far, I do have one last recommendation: Eat a dick, bitch! … Zing!
"Napoleon Bonaparte, because he could give me the world." - Jenna, Junior
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r Lou and Ha
Major: Sports Management Relationship Status: Taken Nickname: “Veen” Describe yourself in 3 words: Blunt, Sarcastic, and Stubborn What’s a little-known fact about you? My right hand is about an inch smaller than my left What’s your worst habit? Spending money I don’t have What was your favorite cartoon character as a kid? Tasmanian Devil If you could own any sports team, which one would you want? Red Sox If you could bang any celebrity who would it be? Erin Andrews What’s one thing your drunk self
#hipsterproblems Hipsters have been populating campus for as long as there’s been a campus to look douchey on. They’re becoming more abundant than those damn squirrels. Seriously, get hit by a car already. Everywhere you turn you see masses of plaid, fake glasses, vans and bikes with baskets. It’s like a bad Wes Anderson movie. A healthy dose of hipster is totally normal, but when you look like the offspring of Pocahontas and Captain Jack Sparrow, no one can take you seriously. Number of players: Technically you could play by yourself, but that would be more sad than funny. What you need: Binoculars, mace, a bottle of Captain Morgan, and a hipster chaser like Arizona Iced Tea with Ginseng and Honey. Intoxication level: You’re about to get hipped. How to Play: - Stake out a bench that offers a view of as many hipsters as possible. - You might need the binoculars, because sometimes hipsters will ride by very fast on their long board and it might be hard to get a good look. Point system: - Spotting a hipster: 1 point - Detecting feathers in hair: 2 points - Detecting freshly cut flowers in the basket of a bike: 4 points - Witnessing a hipster eating a vegan cupcake. 3 points - Seeing a hipster with a bag from a vintage clothing store: 2 points - Hearing two hipsters discuss a music festival: 5 points - Witnessing a hipster take a picture of a flower with a $500 camera: 10 points - Every 3 points earned, the victor gets to decide who takes a drink The Game Ends When: A hipster friend shows up and everyone is forced to get hammered.
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can often be found doing? Arguing about sports If you went on Pimp My Ride, what kind of crazy shit would you want them to do to your car? Just nice rims, tires, and a bitchin’ sound system What’s one movie you’re embarrassed to say that you love? The Princess Bride If you could have one super power, what would it be? Flying What are your turn-ons? Eyes and a great smile What are your turn-offs? Stupid people, bad drivers, and people with no common sense Any shout-outs? Natasa and Dumb Don!
recipe for disaster: The Big Mac and Cheese If roommates are good for anything, it’s providing random, delicious leftovers that are free for a drunk’s taking. Let’s say, for example, that your roommate Diego had half of a corn-dog for dinner: shwing, late night snack for you! Or, maybe your roommate Allison ordered $30 worth of Chinese food and only ate one egg roll: double shwing! Sometimes, however, it’s fun to make a leftover masterpiece, and that’s how this bad boy was made. What You’ll Need: A bun, a burger patty, a piece of cheese, macaroni and cheese, and hot sauce. Cook time: About four minutes. Fatty Factor: It’s the culmination of all things leftover – you do the math. Let’s Get Baked: - Assemble all necessary items and place the bun on a microwavable plate. - Place the burger patty on the bun. - Carefully spoon the leftover macaroni and cheese on the burger patty. - Lay a slice of cheese (American, provolone, Swiss, cheddar, what have you) over the mac-daddy noodles. Microwave for 30 seconds. - Drench the steamy-cheesy-mass in hot sauce. - Feel free to add any other typical burger toppings you feel would be scrumptious: onions, ketchup, mustard, pickles, etc. - Top it off with the top half of the bun. - Enjoy! While this recipe is delicious going down, it’s much less so coming back up the next morning. Whether it’s food or libations, remember: moderation is key. Bon Appétit!
Leo’s Coney Island Monopolizes Local Breakfast Industry Restaurant Owners Contemplate Sabotage
In the few short weeks since its grand opening, Leo’s Coney Island has managed to monopolize the entire breakfast business in the East Lansing and Lansing areas. Located within the Marriott of downtown East Lansing on Albert Street, Leo’s appeals to the diverse population of the student ghetto, most of which consists of students originally hailing from suburban Detroit where Leo’s dominates the diner demographic. Leo’s was originally established in Southfield, Mich. by Greeks for Greeks. (Editor’s Note: Due to a civil rights case that broke out in the early 1980s, Leo’s was forced to open their doors and welcome all races.) Studies have found that the East Lansing Leo’s already impressive fan base is made up entirely of Detroit-based hipsters who pride themselves on supporting local business and irritating the majority of the university’s student body. “Leo’s isn’t a restaurant, it’s a coney...don’t you know the difference?” said customer Abby Schulmen, 21, of Huntington Woods, Mich. “It’s a way of life.” East Lansing’s well-known Tony’s was once the go-to place for breakfast. Since the opening of Leo’s directly across from the street, Tony’s has experienced a decline in customers. Past diners say they’ll never return to Tony’s. However, Tony’s waitress of two years, Nicole Hersch of Kappa Kappa Gamma, begs to differ. Or something. “Well, it’s like, Leo’s is right there...and we’re, like, right here...and they’re new...so, like, people are gonna go there...I guess,” said Hersch. The International House of Pancakes, home of the Rooty Tooty Fresh N’ Fruity, (not to be confused with the male students of the MSU Theater Department), is also suffering from the new establishment. “Quite frankly, I’m not surprised,” said IHOP manager, Dennis O’Brien. “Leo’s is brand-spankin’ new and their booths are not nearly as sticky as ours. Plus, they don’t have a group of D&D players slaying elves in the back booths. That seems to be a deterrent for any prospect of new clientele for us.” Several business owners are going so far as to contemplate sabotage to put the highly coveted Leo’s Coney Island out of business. Devin Greshim, local of Lansing, owner of Golden Harvest,
Samantha Shaughnessy wrote this
and avid enthusiast of urban gardens, is amongst them. “It really just makes you wonder… why are Leo’s prices so cheap? Or -how- are they so cheap, for that matter.” asked Greshim. “Something must be afoot—using child labor, using inorganic foods, performing animal abuse...the list goes on! I’m going to call the cops to speed up the investigation process.” Greshim isn’t the only individual willing to take drastic measures. “I’m just very frustrated,” said Theio’s manager, John Kowalski, 56. “Ever since a customer found a small amount of the cook’s cigarette ash in their fries-- and I repeat small-- my restaurant has suffered. Now I have to compete with their fancy light fixtures and crystal-clear windows? At this point, I just want to take one of my many bottles of Evan Williams, hurl it at Leo’s, follow it with some gasoline, and finally by some matches—you know, set the place ablaze.” All jealousy from other crazy business owners aside, Leo’s is thriving. Hundreds of customers visit the eatery everyday, especially on Saturday and Sunday mornings. “I’ve placed a guarantee on each menu that if my food can’t cure your hangover in 60 seconds or less, I’d pay for your meal,” said Leo’s owner, Bill Rogers. “I haven’t had to open my wallet yet.” Students say that if you’re looking for a hearty breakfast, you should go to Leo’s, but if you’re looking for a severe case of E. coli, you should visit Denny’s. Well, there you have it, folks— straight from these students’ dirty mouths: Leo’s rulez and Denny’s droolz.
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the movie page Based on the Trailer
The Muppets benson saw this and gave it a...
Starring: Jonah Hill, Sam Rockwell, Ari Graynor What You Need to Know: A college dropout (Hill) becomes a babysitter to make some quick cash… probably for fast food. He takes his three little ones on an urban adventure to meet up with his ex-girlfriend, who promised sex in exchange for drugs….and probably some chalupas. What We Think: Jonah Hill being rude to kids in the pursuit of drugs? Sounds good enough for us! Here’s to hoping it’s a little less predictable than it probably is, but we’d still like to see Method Man (who co-stars) smoking a blunt. And Jonah Hill huffing and puffing while he’s running from the cops!
Starring: Charlize Theron, Patton Oswalt, Patrick Wilson What You Need to Know: A teen-lit writer (Theron) returns to her small, crappy hometown to relive her glory days and reclaim her high-school sweetheart (Wilson) who is, like, married with kids. Obviously that’s hard to do (legalities and what not), so she spends most of her time at the bar with a former classmate (Oswalt) and becomes besties. What We Think: Whoa, wait. We’re suppose to believe Charlize Theron is a “young adult?” Come on, young adults don’t look 36 and are waaay less accomplished. Right? No? Oh shit. Well, whatever, with Diablo Cody (Juno) penning the screenplay, this film looks awesome.
Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows
Starring: Robert Downey, Jr., Jude Law, Rachel McAdams What You Need to Know: World famous detective Sherlock Holmes (Downey, Jr.) is trying to solve another crime, this time involving the Crown Prince of Austria who he believes was murdered, because why on Earth would you kill yourself if you’re a prince!? Somehow he meets up with Watson (Law) at a gentlemen’s club for “research,” where things start to get real crazy. What We Think: With all the damn accents and sexy actors, we’re not really sure if we can keep up with it all. Save this one for when it’s on dad’s tab and you get a nice Applebee’s salad afterwards.
Jason Siegel, Amy Adams, The Muppets, of course...
Maybe this world isn’t so awful after all! In a world that’s obsessed with cynicism and doubt, it’s good to have The Muppets around. It’s a strange world we live in when the words of a banjo playing frog puppet hold more water than any poet or any person holding public office. But therein lies the genius of The Muppets: Sometimes imagination is more important than the world in front of you. There are lessons to be learned from watching the news, and there are also lessons to be learned from a purely optimistic frog that some bearded man thought up one day. For anyone who’s seen The Muppets Movie (1979), there is no need to explain the genius of The Muppets’ optimism. The Muppets (2011), a film written by and starring Jason Siegel, an avid fan of puppetry (just watch Forgetting Sarah Marshall), succeeds admirably in maintaining this spirit. Accompanied by fantastic, original compositions by Flight of The Concords’ Bret McKenzie, the story and writing of The Muppets remains true to the 1979 film, and brings new life and depth to Jim Henson’s characters. The Muppets follows the story of two brothers, Gary (Jason Siegel) and Walter, a new addition to the Muppets’ universe. Grown up on The Muppets’ television show, Walter accompanies Gary and his
girlfriend Mary (Amy Adams) on an anniversary trip to Hollywood to check out the old Muppet theater. Unfortunately, times have been tough on the Muppet gang, and the theater has been reduced to filth. After overhearing plans to destroy the old theater to make way for an oil drilling operation, Walter notifies the big man himself, Kermit, and a plan is hatched to gather up the old Muppet gang to put on one last show to save the theater. The Muppets is laced with hilariously clever gags and meta jokes. For any fan of the clever comedy stylings of Pixar, The Muppets carries this creativity and stands as one of the funniest Disney/Pixar movies out there. As expected, there are a lot of jokes aimed at the children in the audience, but like any good Disney movie, there are plenty of jokes to make the adults laugh which mostly go over the kids’ heads. There are several references to the old Muppets movie and TV show, and there also many funny allusions to the 70s and old Muppets celebrity guest stars. One of the coolest things about The Muppets is the abundance of celebrity cameos throughout the film. Jack Black, Donald Glover, Neil Patrick Harris, Sarah Silverman, Zach Galifianakis, John Krasin-
ski, and several other old and new faces make appearances as small roles throughout the movie. There are almost too many to mention. It’s heartwarming to see all of these big names doing such small parts to be a part of the Muppets world and add to the fun of The Muppets. The real star of this film, though, is Bret McKenzie. His catchy tunes add much of the color and joy of The Muppets. These songs would really make Jim Henson proud, and sound just as good as if Henson wrote them himself. Needless to say, there are no “Rainbow Connection”s, but who can blame the guy? McKenzie took on the near impossible task of providing music to one of the most musically iconic franchises in film history and does an impressive job in capturing the magic of past Muppet songs. It is easy to see just how invested Siegel was when writing the script for The Muppets. Each of Henson’s creations are treated with respect and admiration, and the vision and philosophy of the original Muppets movie is held completely intact. Whether you are a lifelong fan or a new appreciator of The Muppets, The Muppets (2011) will enchant you with its unwavering optimism and lighthearted philosophy on life and friendship.
answers are a few from here
november 29: The Smurfs Friends with Benefits Tucker & Dale vs. Evil One Day 30 Rock: Season 5 december 6: The Help The Hangover II Mr. Popper's Penguins Cowboys & Aliens The Debt
This was the name of the musical Peter writes in Forgetting Sarah Marshall...
The Bride of Chucky was the ___ movie in the franchise?
Team America was actually inspired by this 60s British marionette show...
This was the name of the star of Gremlins...
O’Brother’s Tanner Merritt
Like Georgia-based rock bands before them, O’Brother rocks on with their own unique sound. Where Of Montreal sounds like…um…Of Montreal and Manchester Orchestra sounds like Manchester Orchestra, O’Brother only sounds like itself. Frontman Tanner Merritt chatted with us as we hoped to find out a little bit about what that sound’s actually like. The Black Sheep: Can you fill readers in as to how O’Brother started? Tanner Merritt: O’Brother was a band that started in 2005 as the drummer and the brothers, who had played together forever. The lead singer left, Aaron and I joined and we started anew from there. TBS: The internet calls you a prog rock band. What is prog rock to you? TANNER: Growing up I always thought as prog rock as Rush or Yes or TOOL. I guess it’s kinda branched out and now encompasses several more things. Now I think it’s anyone in rock and roll who tries to push the envelope. TBS: How do you guys do that? TANNER: I feel like everything’s been done, so now it’s just a matter of pushing yourself. None of us are like these super-talented musicians that can just shred, so we focus on making a bunch of different noises until something great comes out of it. TBS: Following that string, what are some things you’d like to do that you haven’t been able to do? TANNER: I think that yeah, there’s been things we haven’t been able to do because of money. It’s not so much musically we’ve been unable to do things as it is working with a producer or at a studio. TBS: Your new album, Garden Window, comes off as a labor of love. How long did it take to execute on that? TANNER: A couple of the songs were a few years old when we started recording. Everything
The Singles Collection 2001-2011 These party animals latest compilation is all good.
It seems hard to believe that Gorillaz, the part hip-hop, part alternative, part cartoonish UK group, have been around for ten years. Don’t we all recall the first time we heard “Clint Eastwood” on the radio when we were 10 and distinctly remembering it being awesome? Though pretty much anyone can agree on a handful of great Gorillaz songs, it’s the songs that we didn’t know these geniuses created that remind you of how much cooler they are than you. But these animated hominidae aren’t here to be pretentious and make you feel out of the loop, so they released a compilation of their best from the past decade so you can get caught up. From first track to last, it’s like these guys picked every awesome song you never knew about and some that you did, threw it on an album and started laughing. For starters, songs like “Tomorrow Comes Today,” and “19-2000,” are perfect examples of songs we’ve all heard before —probably one too many times in a commercial or used as samples in hip-hop songs—but may have never been able to put our finger on the artist. The album starts off stellar with the happy, boppy beats that make Gorillaz a group that anyone can enjoy. Er, I mean, totally fucking rock out, too. You know your grandma wouldn’t be able to resist bobbing her head to them. The album is sprinkled with classics like “DARE” and “Feel Good Inc” that give the crowd at your party a loud, universal burst of “Oooohh!” as every-
one relishes in the familiarity. The album, nearly in chronological order, starts the b-side with awesome tunes from Plastic Beach, 2010’s undeniable hit album. “Stylo” featuring Mos Def has got to be one of the best, but the 80s-esque electronic sound of “On Melancholy Hill” doesn’t disappoint, either. The album finishes off with a few remixes, including a particularly good “19-2000 Soulchild Remix” that rounds out the album perfectly – who wouldn’t want to jam to that song once more? This compilation has got to be one of the best mixed albums I’ve laid my little ears on, as it’s chill enough to casually listen to, but with the right amount of enthusiasm (or, drugs and alcohol) this can easily turn into the anthem for an epic night. The Singles Collection would even be the perfect album to give your cousin who loves to party but only listens to what’s on the radio and the occasional Girl Talk (when she’s trying to feel real weird), so help out a sista’s life by giving this to her for the holidays. See, you made it through this entire review and now you can check another gift off the ole Christmas List. Thanks again, Gorillaz! Sounds Like: Crusin’ with the windows up, or the feeling upon on entering a party. Download: 19-2000, Rock the House, Stylo Listen to it When: You’re partying with your old friends.
UPCOMING RELEASES >>> R.E.M. -Part Lies, Part Heart, Part Truth, Part Garbage: 1982 - 2011 Childish Gambino - Camp Sigur Ros -Inni
Glee: The Music, The Christmas Album Vol. 2 Los Campesinos! - Hello Sadness Tegan and Sara - Get Along Gym Class Heros - The Papercut Chronicles II
else was written sometime last fall. We started pre-production December of last year, and we weren’t done until May. It definitely took a long time, but as an unsigned group we had to work when we could. TBS: Can you talk about how you guys go about writing music? TANNER: The EP had me bringing a basic song structure to the band and we worked from there. Garden Window, on the other hand, was all over the place. We’d bring parts of songs to each other and we’d work them through and try them out. Melodically and lyrically, they came last before everything else that goes into a song. TBS: You’re currently on the road with Thrice, and you’ve toured with Cage the Elephant and Manchester Orchestra. What’s life on the road with big-timers like? TANNER: On tours with people you know there’s a lot of hanging out because you’re close, like, you all started out as nobodies. And sure, there are shows where we’re all there to do a job, so we do it and we head home. TBS: Is there any novelty left in touring for you? TANNER: I think that we’re actually starting to get adventuresome in our touring. On average you’ll be spending five to nine hours in a car each day. It takes up a lot of time, just getting around. It’s been weird to travel to all of this country’s major cities, but barely know them outside of the bar where you’re playing that night. TBS: What’s the biggest perk about being in a band? TANNER: I think it’s just the opportunity to live a different life, playing music for different people every day after you wake up and drive to a city. TBS: What’s on your perfect sandwich? TANNER: A good bahn mi Vietnamese sandwich. TBS: If you were stuck in an elevator for 24 hours and you could only have three things, what would they be? TANNER: I’d take a cell phone so people knew where I was. The entire cast of Cirque du Soleil and a bottle of Jameson.
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( class time ) The Crazy Story You told Your High School Friends
madlib: 15: Obscenity 16: Verb (-s) 17: Same as 16 (-ing) 18: Obscenity 19: Obscenity 20: Verb 21: Same as 9 22: Group of people 23: Same as 2 24: Obscenity 25: Same as 9 26: Verb (-ed) 27: Noun 28: Same as 3 29: Something that you can (3)
Dude, you won’t believe this story. So, a couple of __1__ ago my buddy __2__ and I decided to start __3__ __4__ as soon as we woke up. Obviously by __5__ we were pretty __6__, so we decided to go get some __7__. On the way to __8__ we saw this __9__. We made eye contact and he asked us for a__10__. Of course I gave him __11__, but only if he’d __12__ for it. After, he wouldn’t stop following us. He kept asking us to go with him to buy some __13__, and finally we obliged. We’re walking towards __14__ with this guy and all of a sudden he screams, “__15__!” and just starts sobbing. We try to console him, but instead he turns around and __16__. Dude keeps __17__ my buddy, screaming “__18__ you, you __19__ !” Finally, I get my bearings about me, I just __20__ this __21__so hard. It was crazy, but it wasn’t over yet. Out of nowhere these three __22__ show up, __23__’s bleeding, and I’m like, “__24__.” Turns out, they weren’t after me they’re after this __25__, because once he __26__ on a __27__. In short, I’m never __28__ __29__ again.
1: Period of time 2: Name 3: Verb (-ing) 4: Noun 5: Time of day 6: Adjective 7: Noun 8: Campus store that would sell (7) 9: Marginalized person 10: Something you’d have in your pocket 11: Same as 10 12: Verb 13: Noun 14: Area of town
1. A Taste of Love 2. 4th 3. Thunderbirds 4. Gizmo
Meet The Staff! Managing Editor Bailey Walsh Advertising Manager Anthony Dostal Contributing Writers Alex Everard Cristina Toscano Justin Gawel Alex Acton Andrew Fleming Cody Manthei Frank Sorise Samantha Shaughnessy Billy Gardner Leanne Johnson Ziev Beresh photographer Jackie Cash
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