The Black Sheep
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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 6, Issue 4 2/1/12 - 2/8/12
Everyday Classroom Anxieties:
A Neurotic Inner Monologue
Samantha Shaughnessy wrote this
PROFESSOR: We have a lot of work to do today, class. Unlike Tuesday, we’re going to dedicate today to discussion and I’d like to see everyone get involved. Let’s get started, shall we? You were assigned to read chapters one through sixteen…. Goddammit. I shouldn’t have gotten fancy. I should have just signed up for a 500-person lecture like I normally do. Now I have to be in this dinky f-ing class where participation is actually required. Okay. I can do this. It won’t be all that bad if I just focus my attention on picking apart everyone sitting around me—silent judgment at its finest. Speaking of which, total snaggletooth at 1 ‘o clock. Ha, I bet she got eaten alive in middle school. PROFESSOR: As I’m sure you’ve all noticed, we see many underlying, controversial themes throughout this narrative…yet, of course, interpretation is subjective. What I want you to do today is look beyond the obvious. Try to really dig in and search for the deeper meanings here. I’d like each of you to parse this text as much as possible. Okay, what the actual fuck is this guy talking about? My god, he’s so beardy. And he has weird lips… kind of like that scientist from Nightmare Before Christmas. Come to think of it, everything about this guy resembles that scientist— the big head, the feeble body...okay, everything except for the beard. That thing is on a whole other level. Man, I feel a headache coming on already… JENNA: I want to point out a quote that really stuck out to me. It’s in the prologue. I know that wasn’t part of the assigned reading, but it’s on page “xi...” Who is this brown-nosing bitch? She knows full well that no one read the prologue. It’s 20 fucking pages. Wait, where is that attendance sheet? Why do I always feel like I’m not going to get it? How hard is it to pass a piece of paper around the rows, people? These dolts are passing the thing around all willy-nilly with no concern for order. This isn’t Denny’s, people. There are rules.
NICK: When I read this during my freshman year, I was really drawn to the author’s use of rhetoric... I knew I hated this guy the moment he walked in. Look at him. That smug look, his tattooed knuckles, and a mason jar full of quinoa and grilled tofu tucked under his arm...please. Does this pompous cock hear himself? Someone shut him the hell up already. PROFESSOR: Excuse me, in the back corner. Did you hear that clearly? Or does Nick need to repeat himself? Great start. Only thirty minutes have passed and I already got called out for texting. This guy should realize that our generation is programmed to be entertained every second of every hour and, I’m sorry, but he could at least *try* to be a little more amusing. Jesus, I gotta get out of here.
not mute and just has terrible breath all the time. What is that called again? Hali…cosis? Tosis? Either way, I’m screwed if she ever speaks…but if she knows what’s good for her, she’ll keep her rotted mouth trap shut.
PROFESSOR: We’re going to break down into small groups of three. I want you to work together and discuss what you think motivates the protagonist’s actions...
Eliza: ::clears throat:: Um, I think the mirrors play a big role. They’re like, a symbol for his lost identity.
For the love of Christ, just make this end. What have I done to deserve this? If this is God’s way of punishing me for stealing those boxes of Rice Krispies Treats cereal from the cafeteria every week freshman year, fuckin’ sue me for wanting a little snap, crackle, and pop in my life. JASON: The protagonist doesn’t know where he fits in society. He’s trying to identify himself—albeit through his family, oral history, or birthplace. Those seemed to be the most significant archetypes that came into play... Everyone in class has chirped in and said something except for me and that weird mute girl in the corner. Well, maybe she’s
No fucking way did she just participate. I should punch her in the throat. Okay, quick... think of something remotely intelligent to say. Hurry, hurry! Wait, this is so stupid, why am I freaking out? Oh yeah, that’s right, I didn’t read the chapters. Me: One thing that stuck out to me was the juxtaposition of his relationship with his father and the steel mill... Professor: Interesting point. Can someone point out an example of what she means by this? Booya. Bullshit at its best. Now back to what’s important: Facebook? Eh, no new notifications. Twitter? Ugh, over capacity again? Phone? Hm, no texts.Well… fuck it, I’m leaving early.
The election nears, and with it, the stupid things candidates say.
We take on mop-up duty with East Lansing’s custodial finest.
Thankfully, the Puppy (Murder) Bowl didn’t make this list.
see page 5
see page 7
see page 11
Say What, Mr. Presidential Candidate?
A Day in the Life of a Wells Hall Janitor
Other Bowls That Would Be Super
Table of > > > PAGE 4>>>
Other National Disasters Mark Wahlberg Could Have Prevented
page 10 >> Recipe for Disaster -
The Top Ten
page 13 >> Oscar-Baiting
Diet Hot Dog
Just because you drank 4,000 calories in beer doesn’t mean you have to feel fat the next day.
because 9/11 isn't enough.
PAGE 4 >> page 7 >>
Places to Take Lou Anna K. On A Date
We think long and hard before we pound out our picks.
page 14 >> The Ultimate Super
From the Streets
Bowl Drinking Game
If aliens exist, what do they look like, and what Earthly product gets them intoxicated?
Have fun, kiddos!
page 10 >> Bartender of the Week page 15 >> Are You Mr. Lonely? You’re not tough enough for this BWW babe.
Take this quick quiz, don’t worry, there’s always time after to jack it.
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Ham Nice Jug
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Definition: A man’s inability to perform sexually in high-pressure environments. Wallace died a virgin because he suffered from impotense during the plane crash.
THe top ten Places To Take Lou Anna K. On A Date Every girl deserves to be taken on that perfect date. ”But wait,” you definitely didn’t just say, “What does this courtship entail?” Well, dummy, that all depends on the girl. At MSU, there’s one foxy lady just begging to be wined and dined: University President, Lou Anna K. Simon. Here are the top ten places totake her if you want those big ole panties to drop! 10) The Book Store The first thing you need to know about Lou Anna K. is that she’s an intelligent lady. Intelligent ladies read books. The good news is that since Barnes and Noble hotfooted it out of East Lansing, the remaining bookstores all carry MSU gear. This’ll give your dumb ass something to do while your date thumbs through Michelle Obama’s book.
Other National Disasters
Mark Wahlberg Could Have Prevented justin gawel wrote this Two weeks ago, Mark Wahlberg claimed that he could have prevented the events of 9/11. In an interview with Men’s Journal,the former Calvin Klein model said, "If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, 'OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.'" Strong words from a strong male lead. With no way to prove that Wahlberg couldn’t have achieved said feat, let’s just assume with The Fighter brewing within this New Kid On The Block he bested those box-cutter-wielding baddies (nicer way to say terrorist) and became the resident American hero back in 2001. He can sing, dance, act, and save America. If that doesn’t spell h-e-r-o I don’t know what does. Now, think about if we were living in that timeline, what other national disasters would Marky Mark have prevented since then?
down each of these offenders and proceeded to beat each to a bloody pulp. This was no Italian Job; no, this was a job for America and her pastime. The integrity of baseball was saved as no player wanted to feel the wrath of Wahlberg by using steroids ever again. Great Recession The stock market doesn’t plummet; Mark Wahlberg goes Mark Maul-berg and plummets into the stock market. Out of sheer intimidation and fear of another beating at the hands of the man some have called Invincible,the market turns itself around. Furthermore, to encourage people to spend money locally and increase morale, MarkMan Prophecies grinds out a new blockbuster comedy every month that nearly everyone goes to see. America laughs its way out of the Great Recession and laughs are eventually re-dubbed “LOL-bergs” (lawlbergs).
"he can sing, dance, act, and save america. if that doesn't spell h-e-r-o i don't know what does."
Hurricane Katrina Shark Wahlberg uses his physical prowess and aquatic skills to neutralize this Perfect Storm over the gulf—preventing it from ever hitting New Orleans. However, his shirtless demonstration of pure badassery, meteorology, and patriotism causes women nationwide to become super-aroused and hyper-moist while viewing the footage. The epidemic of ladyparts floods coast-to-coast results in slightly less damage nationally than the actual hurricane hitting New Orleans would have caused. The entire country tunes into a network TV airing of Boogie Nights the following week to masturbate. Steroid Era In Baseball Once the Mitchell Report named names of present and past Major League Baseball players who used steroids, Mark Wahlberg went Dark Wahlberg and spent his entire summer vacation lurking in the shadows as he tracked
Swine Flu Wahlberg Texas Ranger responds to the Swine Flu panic by creating an adult-boy-band super group with some Other Guys and the Four Brothers of his that are parts of his Entourage. The song is catchy, patriotic, and successfully keeps people from freaking out. The country swoons for their hero while legislation for gay rights are passed all over the country after a survey confirms that ninety-nine percent of the men in America would “go gay for Marky Mark and have no qualms fondling his funky bunch.” In this timeline, it’s unfortunate that we didn’t know about The WB’s heroic qualities until 2001. Just think—if we had known earlier in his life, we could have thwarted the Iranian hostage situation, effectively cooled the Cold War with sweet melodies and vocals, and prevented Pearl Harbor (not the attack, though— the Michael Bay movie).
9) The Gym If President Simon were a member of the Spice Girls, which do you think she’d be? Duh, Sporty Spice. So, take her to IM West for a nice lift sesh, where in addition to putting your bod on display, you can show those competitive meatheads the caliber of woman you roll with. 8) Meridian Mall Food Court Impress her by going to the classiest eatery you know. They say food is the way to a man’s heart, but let me assure you, one bite of Panda Express will get her on the express train to your bedroom. 7) Spiral Dance Bar Worried about another guy spotting your smoking date and cutting in? Well, what if I told you that there’s a bar in Lansing where you can get her liquored up without the risk of getting cockblocked? Girls love gay bars, so take her to Spiral, where you’re the one who’ll get hit on all night. 6) MSU Beyond Coal Meeting Beyond Coal, an undergraduate organization that promotes clean energy, has recently sent thousands of letters straight to the president’s office. These letters say things like: “Stop polluting our environment!” and “People are dying because of respiratory complications.” Wanna show her a good time? Get a “his” and “hers” set of brass knuckles and show those dweebs just who has the “respiratory complications.” 5) Burgerama Take your date to a bar where everybody actually does know her name. And hey, after a couple pitchers, she’ll be singing your tune. 4) Abrams Planetarium Did you know that the planetarium frequently has shows? Share some green beforehand and gaze at the stars. This date is perfect for talking about like, life, and stuff. 3) Africa Not a lot of people know this, but LAKS is part of something called the “Partnership to Cut Hunger and Poverty in Africa.” Translation: Cut loose and party in Africa, partner. 2) Michigan Stadium Go for a nice drive to Ann Arbor. Check out the local scene. Get a bite to eat, and then run back to your car because you “forgot something.” When you show up with a Meijer bag full of spray-paint cans, look into Lou Anna’s gorgeous, virginal eyes and say: “Baby, we’re going to paint this town red.” Then proceed to vandalize the Big House. 1) Hannah Administration Building Bathroom Once you’ve proved to LAKS that you are indeed swoon-worthy, surprise her at the office with a bouquet and chocolates. Take her hand, and lead her to the men’s room for the coup de grace…a quickie.
ziev beresh wrote this
Say What, Mr. Presidential Candidate? black betty wrote this For those of our generation interested in politics, you know you’re proud to say that you keep the most current news in your back pocket. You’re ready and waiting to post that update on Facebook to inform people of just how informed you really are. I mean, gee, isn’t it just so much fun to slam those stupid politicians by quoting memes you saw on your Tumblr dashboard? Here at The Black Sheep, we wanted to take a closer look at whom the next president of the fattest country in the world may be, but in order to keep this concise, we’re going straight to the shit that comes out of their very own pie-holes.
cals…” —Vermin Supreme (in a speech at the Democratic Candidates Presidential Forum). I simply can’t take this man seriously, and it’s not because of his Free Pony platform or the fact that his name is Vermin Supreme, (which is like basically calling himself the Rat King), but because of the horrific upside down boot-like hat he chooses to wear on his head in public. If this man were elected into office, I would want my closest friend to drug me in my sleep and put me out of my misery before this troll could give me any more nightmares.
''I've now been in 57 states— I think one left to go." — Barack Obama (at a campaign event in Beaverton, Oregon). Don’t worry, guys—Obama was just a little distracted by his inner thoughts. He was trying to figure out what the female citizens of Beaverton meant when they said they wanted to show him their beavers on the bus tour around the city.
"You want to get rid of drug crime in this country? Fine, let's just get rid of all the drug laws." — Ron Paul (at the 2011 CNN Republican presidential debate). Be careful what you wish for, Ronnie. As much as we’d all love to legally attend class or work, high as balls off a Jeffrey, once people start dropping like flies from overdosing, you know who they’re going to blame—your tiny, little white ass.
“She isn’t young enough or pretty enough to be the President’s wife.” — Newt Gingrich (speaking of his ex-wife). Probably because she was going through cancer. Either that, or she was the oldest graduate student at U of M, but since when do looks matter in a political campaign… amirite? JFK didn’t win because of his hot, young body and great head of hair, but because of his ability to... Oh,who am I kidding? He was beautiful.
“Let Detroit go bankrupt.” — Mitt Romney (in a 2008 op-ed piece in The New York Times). Considering we're advocates for NOT letting Detroit go bankrupt, Mitt Romney has proven to be one, gigantic boob. He says “Let Detroit go bankrupt,” but the traitor himself is named after the shape of our state—he was born here, for fuck’s sake. Mitt, you’re making the Mitten cry.
“Free ponies for all Americans…My free-pony platform is a jobs creation program; it will create lots and lots of jobs once we switch over to a pony-based economy. It will also lower our dependence on foreign oil. We will also be able to turn all that pony poop into methane gas and wonderful compost, and be able to re-up our soil that is being depleted by aero-chemi-
"One of the things I will talk about, that no president has talked about before, is I think the dangers of contraception in this country.... Many of the Christian faith have said, well, that's okay, contraception is okay. It's not okay. It's a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be.” — Rick Santorum (in a 2011 interview with
CaffeinatedThoughts.com) How exactly are things “supposed to be,” Rick Sanitarium? What’s wrong with a little safe sex backseat boogie in the back of your mom’s Benz? How is teenage lub with a rub[ber] all the way across the country hurting your feelings? You know what, you guys— I think he is just upset his contraception failed and he wound up with two daughters and a blown out wife who won’t try anything but missionary in the dark. And now he’s taking it out on good ol’ America because if he can’t boink, no one can! Welp, there you have it—politics, like a heated game of flip cup, can infuriate even the most peaceful of men. Many of these disagreements are built upon unfairness, ignorance and intolerance, so it’s difficult to clearly see which politician is right and what is wrong when all they want to do is win (win, win, no matter what). And because every one of these candidates has said something incredibly moronic at some point or another (or all the time), it’s up to you to decide who is least likely to ruin the lives of the American public.
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SHOUT OUTS! Shoutout to my favorite Ginger Paige O'Shea! Falling down the steps was funny Mike...the first time. Seriously, we've been living here for 5 months, stop falling and crying for help...-Steve Dear dumb girl who stole my fake. You're a bitch. Seriously. Sincerely, I just want to party. To the guys who make "sparty rockin in the house tonight"...i'm not sure if I love you or hate you... Maggie...I never realized how annoying New Yorkers could be until I met you. I hope Eli gets killed this weekend. -Mike To the couple in the booth at Riv basically having sex...need a third wheel? Girl who got it on camera in the red tank... Engineering Lenz...you're too cute to be that nerdy. Seriously. To my neighbor at Chandler who seems to think I can't hear the porn through the walls... you're wrong. And you like really weird stuff. Was that a Grandma talking the other night? -1024 Carly, baking "special" brownies doesn't mean you've stopped smoking weed. It does mean you're the best roommie ever though -Lindz
SEND IN YOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com
a day in the life of a wells hall janitor Cody Manthei wrote this Have you ever been sitting in class when one of the janitors came in and wiped down the blackboard? Or seen one of them walking down the hall, pushing a cart and picking up trash? And after witnessing this, have you thought to yourself, “God, what a sad fucking life”? On the contrary, my friend. I’m here to repudiate that notion and inform you that janitors are actually some of the most badass (and scholarly, I might add) people you will ever encounter. I mean, have you seen Good Will Hunting? I recently had the opportunity to sit down with one of these elusive and wondrous men and ask the question that’s been on all of our minds: “What does a typical day on the job look like for you?” What happened next truly shocked me. He looked up and down the main hallway, making sure that “the feds weren’t watching,” (as he put it), grabbed my arm and dragged me into his “janitorial sanctum” (his words again), which is really just custodial jargon for “broom closet.” Don’t let the name fool you, though— this broom closet was actually more like a bachelor pad and he wasted no time giving me the full tour (MTV Cribs style). This place had a ping-pong table, three leather couches, a 55’ flatscreen TV (complete with Sega Genesis) and a fully operational kitchenette. When I made a comment about wishing I were a janitor so I could chill in that room all day, he became surprisingly infuriated, screaming that a janitor was the last real artist. He also said that a broom, when operated properly, was more graceful than Fred Astaire himself. He then grabbed my arm again (apparently the only way a janitor knows how to say “follow me”) and led me to the closest classroom. He stopped and asked, “Do you smell that?” I sniffed hard and long before I retorted, “Smell what?” “Exactly!” He shouted. “I’ve devoted my life’s work to creating a perfect cleaning solution and I’ve finally done it. My cleaner yields the most neutral-smelling classroom on the planet. Because of me, you wouldn’t even know that you were in a classroom at all...if you were blind."
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If aliens exist, what do they look like and what Earthly product gets them intoxicated? "They look like Chihuahuas, and they get crunk off snow." - Olivia A., Senior
“But it’s only noon,” I said. “What do you do the rest of the day?” The janitor grinned. “Smoke reefer with the preachers outside.” Then he disappeared into the broom closet, and, to my surprise, revealed the infamous Wells Hall Preacher who already had a bong going. I thought it only polite to partake. “Save any souls today, Bryant?” the janitor asked the preacher who promptly replied with an exhale of smoke, “Those motherfuckers are too far gone, man.”
"Aliens look like E.T., and E.T. clearly got drunk off of beer." - Kait W., Junior
With all of us sufficiently stoned, we proceeded to the hallway. “Now’s my favorite part of the day” he said. “This is when I make cat calls at all the hotties.” He smiled and started scoping his bait. “You see, people think it’s construction workers that have the best cat calls, but it’s really us.”
"he disappeared into the broom closet and revealed the infamous wells hall preacher He immediately had me hooked. “But I thought all who already had a bong going." you guys did was change the urinal patties and sweep the floor,” I said. The man guided me through the building, stopping at random classrooms and bathrooms displaying his finest masterpieces. In fact, due to his work, one of the chalkboards he cleaned 1984 had yet to get chalky again. His method for cleaning windows reduced wiping time by forty percent, making it possible for him to deep clean ceilings in an effort to make dust particles an old wives’ tale. He even showed me his work with staircases, which ultimately turned into a West Side Story-esque musical number. After only an hour of exploring, he had taken me through his daily work routine in full.
From 'da Streets
“The trick is,” he continued. “You have to coincide your calls with the classes the girls come out of. For instance, if it were a 17th century lit class, you’d say something like, “If you dig the Brontes, you should see my cock.” If it were a Physics class you’d say, “I’d like to derive your Heisenberg uncertainty principle, baby.’” Unfortunately, at this point two men in suits walked through the door at the end of the hallway and began looking in each classroom. The janitor spotted them and turned to leave. I asked him where he was going and all he said was, “If you rat on me, I’ll kill your whole fucking family and make you watch.” And with that, he was gone. I never saw him again, but to this day, whenever I smell nothing but air, I know the janitor is nearby.
"Aliens look like clouds; they're puffy and soft. They get drunk off nail polish remover, but they have a pretty high tolerance for it." - Jamie C., Junior
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The Bar Grid
January 2010 Happy Hour: Monday – Friday 3-6pm. $2.00: Domestic Pints $2.50: Well Drinks ½ Off: Potato Skins, Onion Rings, and Hush Puppies.
THURSDAY: 4 - 8PM: Burger Bash! SPORTS SUNDAY! Half Off All Drinks, Come Eat, Drink, and $1 Burgers, $1 Waffle Fries Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Daily Specials: After 8PM: $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors 31 Watch the 1 Game! Monday 9pm-Close DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) Global Village $2.50 - PintsLight, Rolling Rock Bottles MSU/UofM at 1PM DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $2.50 – Call Drinks $2.50 Call Drinks, SoCo Lime and TuesdayKamikazes! 9pm-Close SUPER BOWL at 6PM $3.50 Long Islands 6 7 8
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SUPER BOWL SUNDAY (4-Close)! $1 Off All Craft Beers $3 23 oz Domestic Drafts $2.50 Bud Lt. Aluminum Pints $3 Single, $6 Double Mixed Drinks Raffle & Prizes ALL Game Long!
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Wipeout Wednesday 1/2 Off Food 1/2 Off Drinks 1/2 Off Beers 1/2 Off Bottles of Wine
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The Bar Grid
Week Nickname: Bread Major: Anthropology and Telecommunications Relationship Status: Taken Describe yourself in 3 words: Mischievous, spontaneous, and passionate What's your worst habit? Wine What's the best concert you've ever been to? Either Bon Jovi or Aerosmith
d wing il w o l a f f bu
Who is your celebrity crush? Alexander Skarsgård What's your hidden talent? Wrestling What's the best pick up line you've ever heard from a customer? Does this bar napkin smell like chloroform? Just kidding, can I buy you a drink? If you could invent something, what would it be? A starship with light speed Turn-ons? Smile, abs, and eyes
What's your dream job? Working for the Discovery Channel
Turn-offs? Little boys that think they're men
If you could be on any reality TV show, what would it be? Tough Enough—I actually auditioned for it and got invited to go audition in Vegas
Shoutouts? Shoutout to Abby, Vicky, Ruben, Crazy Dave, and Tim
Shot Glass Chess Are you bored with regular, lowbrow drinking games? Are you tired of the simple-minded card-games the peons in the Liberals Arts department play? Are you waiting for something worthy of you, the most rare and elite of all intellectuals, The Engineer? Do you wish to combine the artistry and strategy of a thousand-year-old game with the depravity of college life? If so, this is the game for you. Number of Players: A minimum and maximum of two. What You Need: A chess board, 32 shot glasses, a handle of your favorite liquor, 2 different colored markers and a completely distorted sense of what actually constitutes a drinking game. Intoxication Level: Before you know it you and your partner will reach Bobby Fischer levels of anti-Semitism. No but seriously, if you’re not careful you could die. Alcohol poisoning is real, people! How to Play: - Mark the shot glasses before the game in order to distinguish between types of pieces (knights, kings, queens, pawns, rooks, bishops). - Mark the shot glasses to distinguish between your pieces and your opponent’s pieces (white and black). - Fill the shot glasses. - Place them on the board. - For the rest, see rules of chess. The Game Ends When: Either your partner forfeits or you checkmate the king. Have you really never played chess before?
thirsty for more? theblacksheeponline.com/drinkage
recipe for disaster:
diet hot dog It’s nature’s cruelest joke. You come home after a night of hardcore partying, starving, in desperate need of sustenance, yet you find your motor skills severely impaired. “If I can’t drive a car, how am I supposed to baste a turkey...” you hear yourself wonder aloud. Don’t worry, dear reader; we at The Black Sheep have a simple recipe just for you. What You Need: One hot dog, one piece of bread. Cook Time: 30 seconds. Let’s Get Baked: -Take one generic store-bought hot dog and place it directly on the microwave tray, no plate needed. -Take a piece of bread and place it in the toaster. -Take the toasted bread and, with a flourish, toss it into a nearby garbage can, BECAUSE CARBS ARE THE ENEMY. -Take the cooked hot dog out of the microwave and hold it with only your thumb and index finger in order to avoid suggestive images and nasty microwave burns. -Insert hot dog into mouth. -Repeat if necessary. With this recipe you will be slim and well-fed in no time – well not no time. As fast as it takes you to down a hot dog, which for some competitive eaters can really seem like no time.
A Couple Other Bowls
That Would Be Super bailey walsh wrote this
The Super Bowl is practically here. Red-blooded, beer-thirsty Americans from all around the country will soon get to stop hiding the quarter chub that sneaks up every time a Super Bowl commercial comes on—instead, they’ll gather in groups around their TVs to embrace them. Together. Because, hey, what screams “male bonding” like a bunch of dudes jerking off to watching a bunch of other dudes do manly things in spandex pants? I mean, c’mon, they don’t call it the “Super” Bowl and attract more viewers than any other American television program in history for nothing—this is football at its finest and everyone (well, maybe not women and men who wear scarves) looks forward to watching it year after year. So, while it’s no surprise that the Super Bowl consistently attracts the insane number of viewers that it does, it is kind of surprising that we haven’t followed Animal Planet’s lead with the Puppy Bowl and expanded this concept beyond football. After all, we’re supposed to be a generation of innovation—where’s the creativity, people? I can think of at least a couple other kinds of bowls that would be pretty super… PROVE YOUR WORTH BOWL I: DEFINITION EDITION America is home to millions of millionaires. Professional athletes, popular musicians, significant inventors, etc. are compensated heavily for their varying contributions to society. Then there are other millionaires, who don’t really have titles or contribute anything, and we don’t understand why they receive the disgusting amounts of attention and money they do (i.e.: Kim Kardashian and the other whores she calls sisters).
So, for that reason, I present the Prove Your Worth Bowl I: Definition Edition. Each year, the highest-earning celebrities would be subjected to a vote from the American public to determine which of them are the least deserving of the luxurious lifestyle they live. From there, those celebrities would be forced to compete against one another’s lexicon by defining random words in spelling-bee fashion. I can see it now— “Mrs. Hilton, please define pretentious” (long silence) ::makes pouty, confused face:: “Pretentious— ::sounds it out under her breath:: Pree-tend-shiss. Um, it’s like a person who’s like, totally fake. Basically like a poser, or like, someone who’s like… really pathetic.” Every incorrect answer would yield some form of humiliating and/or hilarious consequence; e.g. A pack of sixth grade boys might rollerblade circles around Paris, shouting things like, “What are you, a moron?” “Did someone actually fuck your brains out?” and “I hope your blowjobs are better than your answers!” while audiences watch on live TV. If that’s not an event that everyone could get into, I don’t know what is. HOW LOW CAN YOU GO BOWL I As the wise and talented seer/hip-hop artist, Nas, so eloquently put it, “Life’s a bitch and then you die.” Amen, brother. People daydream about “finding their soulmate” and “being happy,” but the sooner they realize their “soulmate” is going to “cheat on them” and “being happy” means “having children and living vicariously through them,” the better off they’ll be. Deep down, everyone knows that if you really want to be successful and make yourself
happy, you have to ruin a couple lives along the way. Do you really think Mother Teresa wanted to just “help others” out of the “goodness of her heart”? Well, yeah, maybe if we lived on a rainbow and shit angels. That being said, the next bowl game I’d like to introduce is the How Low Can You Go Bowl I. In this highly controversial and psychologically debilitating event, people who are desperate for money would compete to see whose scruples can disappear quickest on live TV. Without using any physical violence, contestants would test whose moral compass is weakest via mental, verbal, and any other non-physical forms of abuse aimed at the people they care about most. And depending on which network chooses to host the event, the year prior may or may not be spent getting the family members of various important public figures hooked on hard narcotics. “Hey little Malia Obama, you little cutie you! Do you want to dress up like princesses and try something really fun called crystal methamphetamine?” As the relationships slowly but surely fall apart, the drug-addicted family member would be recruited for the event. If TBS really knows drama, they’d be one of many networks in line to bid on this sure-to-get-ratings program. At the end of the day, for a country that’s “consumed by capitalism,” we haven’t exactly capitalized on the Super Bowl like we could. In fact, if any of the investors from Shark Tank are reading this right now, please feel free to shoot me an email if you wanna talk bowl biz. As for the rest of you, I already have a patent on these ideas, so kindly fuck off if you were thinking about stealing them.
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The Movie Page Tim and Eric's Billion Based on the Trailer Dollar Movie
If you understand the connection between shrimp and white wine, then you will love this movie.
Tim Heidecker & Eric Wareheim
Tim Heidecker, Eric Wareheim, John C. Reilly, Will Ferrell
GRADE A Mike Benson wrote this There are two types of people in this world: people who love Tim and Eric, and people who don’t. There is virtually no middle ground. Their style of chaotic, avant-garde comedy is the reason for both their wide fan base and equally large group of haters. From 2007 to 2010, the Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! helped Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim reach a large cult following and gained them the support from numerous Hollywood stars including Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly, both of whom appear in this film. Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie, the duo’s first film, succeeds in achieving the impossible: It manages to find a perfect middle ground between appealing both to hardcore Tim and Eric fans and also to regular moviegoers. Billion Dollar Movie follows the story of two filmmakers named Tim and Eric. After spending a billion dollars making a three-minute movie featuring a Johnny Depp look-a-like, they are held personally responsible for raising another billion dollars to pay back the sinister Shlaaang corporation. After a night of cocaine and hashish, the duo decides they need to “do business,” or as T&E say it “DOBIS.” They travel to the town of S’Wallow Valley to fix up an abandoned mall in an attempt to make a billion dollars. The
whole thing is kind of like a mix of Citizen Kane and Scarface but with more diarrhea jokes. There are good reasons for the fifteen minute run-time of Awesome Show. While an amazing show, it takes a lot of endurance to watch more than fifteen minutes in one sitting. For people who have never seen the show, the comedy styling is ridiculously fastpaced and abrasive. This was a concern of mine, as with many other critics who were skeptical as to whether Tim and Eric would be able to write a watchable, feature-length film with their style of comedy. In the end, they succeeded admirably. They turned the dial down just enough to make it entertaining for the whole film but not too much as to lose their trademark lunacy. Not only is the film watchable, but it is fucking hilarious. Speaking as both an enormous fan of the duo and as a non-partisan movie critic, Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie represents the cutting edge of comedy. The genius of it is that it can be perfectly enjoyed by hardcore fans and newcomers alike. The silly, fourth-wall-breaking style of the film is something that can be universally appreciated by comedy fans (dare I say it's “Pythonesque”?). It ranges from goofy and
charming, to perfectly disgusting and vulgar, but never going too far—just far enough. If you are a Tim and Eric fan, well Ooh Mama have you got a treat ahead of you. The film is loaded with Easter eggs and allusions to Awesome Show, while also introducing many new characters and catchphrases to the already extensive canon. Speaking as a fan (I feel like I’m repeating myself...), BDM features some of the best stuff Tim and Eric have ever done. The performances by both T&E and the slew of supporting actors are all top notch. Ferrell, Reilly, Galifianakis, and, dear Lord, Will Forte (Forte’s character of a deranged sword salesman almost steals the show) all pull their weight in making this an awesome movie. Great Job! Billion Dollar Movie will not hit theaters until early March, but as of last weekend it was released on iTunes, On Demand, and Youtube Movies. If you have never heard of Tim and Eric, I am confident that you will love Billion Dollar Movie. While extremely odd and silly, it has the potential to be loved by everyone if given the chance. If you are a Tim and Eric fan...why haven’t you seen this movie yet, ya dingus? Ya blew it, capiche?
tim & eric awesome show, great job! guests trivia
Starring: Alex Russell, Michael B. Jordan, Dane DeHaan What You Need to Know: Three high school students discover that they have incredible powers, which at first they use for harmless pranks. As they learn to control their abilities, the dark side starts to take over and their lives start to spin out of control. What We Think: This film has one of the film world's more original plots, and the use of the trendy, “amateur” filming makes the movie that much creepier. Sure, the studios are hyping the shit out of it (in the most understated way possible, what’s up #marketing), so hopefully we, the audience, won’t be let down.
The Reunion Anonymous A Very Harold & Kumar Christmas
February 14 This three-time Grammy winner has made multiple appearances, first in March 2007.
Starring: Eva Green, Ewan McGregor, Connie Nielsen What You Need to Know: McGregor and Green play two people desperate to a form a romantic connection in the face of a world ending by an epidemic of sensory lost. He’s also a chef, which makes the whole “sensory loss” thing that much sadder. What We Think: Yes. Yes, yes, yes. Ewan McGregor plays the perfect, romantic man who can truly woo any woman, even when there is a freakin’ apocalyptic disease taking over the world. Oh, and just in time for Valentine’s Day? Dudes, you can thank us later.
He hosted a children's program for 23 years and played the ghost of himself on Tim & Eric.
answers are a few from here
11/11/11 Buzzkill Elevate Paranormal Activity 3
This American guitarist has been in numerous alternative rock bands, and was born to Mexican immigrants.
This director and screenwriter is famous for creating "one of the worst movies ever made," The Room.
Starring: Neil Maskell, Michael Smiley, MyAnna Buring What You Need to Know: Neil Maskell plays Jay, an ex-soldier turned contract killer. Eight months after a disastrous hit job leaves him physically and mentally scarred, he is pressured into taking a new assignment. The assignment is bizarre and disturbing, and Jay starts to unravel. What We Think: This could be one of the more underrated films of the year so far. Our favorite thing about this film is how the trailer really doesn’t tell a whole lot – there is maybe two seconds of dialogue in the whole thing. Between the imagery and what we know from the plot line, yeah, this movie looks dope.
the entertainment page
On February 26th the 84th Academy Awards will light up television screens the world over. The show is little more than glorified masturbation, a group of people getting together to reassure one another of their awesomeness. But what if it really were an exercise in masturbation? Well, break out the lube, because we’re making us some pornos.
The Artist Porn Title: The Hardest Synopsis: A true masterpiece that harkens back to the days of silent smut, The Hardest features scenes shot in color, using only the finest interracial couples the adult film industry has to offer. This silent (perfect for young masturbators looking to avoid awkward parental questioning!) climaxes with Tyler Hardthrob vertically dancing the night away with newcummer Alice Wundersnatch.
Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close Porn Title: Scream Loud In Bed Without Clothes Synopsis: Set in a post-9/11 New York, this film features Tom Spanks and transsexual phenom Sandra Bullcock taking park in a series of sexual one-upmanship as they attempt to forget the suffering they endured as they watched those two long, hard towers cum tumbling down. You’ll be tearjerkin’ the night away!
Hugo Porn Title: Huge-O Synopsis: The son of a downand-out urologist, Huge-O is destined for the life of a street rat. One day, though, the 13-year-old discovers masturbation for the first time. Content with a life of self-gratification, this bildungsroman chronicles Huge-O as he continues living life as a filthy homeless man, embarking on a series of masturbation fantasies that keep him warm at night when the newspapers stuffed in his coat cannot.
The Descendants Porn Title: The Jizz Scent Pants Synopsis: Fatt Thing is a Honolulubased lawyer whose life takes a turn for the worse when his cheating wife is left for dead after an intense gangbang. Unsure of who the culprit, Fatt is forced to repeatedly thrust himself into the dark kink underworld. Each wild ride leads him closer to the culprit, but also teaches him important lessons on female sexuality—lessons that could have saved his wife’s life.
The Help Porn Title: The Herp Synopsis: Jackin’, Mississippi sets the stage for Vagina “Skeetin’” Phelan’s daring escapades in a primand-proper pre-segregation southern city. Still a virgin, Skeetin’ (played by sensational starlet Emma Bone) begins writing a tell-all book about Jackin’s rampant herpes epidemic, which is rooted in the overly conservative school district’s lack of a proper sexual health curriculum. She chooses to contract the disease through a series of steamy lesbian encounters that burn harder than her soon-to-be-oozing sores.
Midnight in Paris Porn Title: Dick Tight in Pair of Tits Synopsis: Gil Bendher is an on-therise adult film star known for his ejaculatory prowess. He attempts to escape the temptations of fortune and fame in America by traveling across the pond to Paris, France. While there, Bendher accidentally enters a time-warp that brings him to the 1890s. Horny and alone, he quickly seduces a woman, but finds hygiene in the period wildly offensive. This epiphany allows him to see through the bushes, as he come to terms with his loads of fame, and being violently thrust into the spotlight.
lana del rey Born to Die Lana Del Rey-ally wants to be something, but we won’t hold our breath.
I only started recently hearing about Lana Del Rey, as I’m sure you all have, after her supposedly “awful” SNL performance a few weeks ago. Naturally, I, as I’m sure some of you have, checked it out on YouTube and was puzzled by what everyone was so upset about. She’s a little awkward, sure, and could have maybe done more than just stand there so rigidly, but I think her voice is unique and that her music is kind of nice. It’s poppy without being annoying, soft without being depressing, and different in the sense that it’s catchy without being over the top. On the surface she appears extremely generic (her real name is Elizabeth Grant and she’s from upstate New York, for goodness sakes) and the chances of her becoming the next Robyn or Britney are slim, but her debut album Born to Die is not one to write off. The first half of Born to Die (so Gaga of her, right?) flows along like a perfect pop record; its catchy tunes are upbeat without being overbearing or sounding inauthentic. The first song “Born to Die” is a beautiful soft ballad that starts the album off upbeat and trancey, which I really liked. What I particularly enjoy about Del Rey are her lyrics. They aren’t particularly polished or original, but they are simple and relatable, which some might find “not creative/deep/cool enough” but I find hilarious and authentic. In her song “Blue Jeans,”
Moneyball Porn Title: Moneyballs Synopsis: Billy Beanflicker thought he was living the dream. A male pornstar by 20, he retired at 24 after a freak accident left his boner permanently misshapen. He took a job as the Production Manager for the Cokeland V’s, a lesbian production company based out of northern California. Wary of the sky-high budgets of rival porn companies based out of L.A., Beanflicker assembles a rag-tag group of lipstick lesbos, turning a profit by filming them doing some of the most degrading things the creamscreen has ever seen.
this white girl sings “You so fresh to death and as sick as cancer / You were sorta punk rock, I grew up on hip-hop.” Nothing quite like a subtle Jersey Shore reference to win over this reviewer— these lyrics show us that Del Rey is just a real 25-year-old girl. The second half of the album starts off with a seemingly “live” recording of The Star-Spangled Banner; static interrupts with an old-timey news break and the song continues on, while the last four songs are, indeed, live, almost giving the feel of two completely different albums. So, love her or hate her, Lana Del Rey ain’t that bad. Maybe she wasn’t perfect during a live performance on a hugely popular television show, but neither were you when you had to give a 2-minute presentation on the migrating patterns of bottle-nosed dolphins and your palms were so sweaty you dropped your notes. But then again, I loved Ashlee Simpson back in the day (like, a lot) and we all know how she ended up on SNL. Oopsies.
The Tree of Life Porn Title: The Skeet of Life Synopsis: Widely considered a pornographic opus fresh from the mind of adult film legend Terrence Paldick, The Skeet of Life dares to ask the question, “Are we all nothing more than man yogurt?” Paldick ruminates on this theme through a series of vignettes starring classically-trained adult actors Sean Pennis, Harry Oldmanballs and George C. Cock massaging their members to climax in ultra-slow motion. Run time: 6 hours.
Sounds Like: A more poppy Enya, though some may compare her to Tori Amos. Download: Blue Jeans, Born to Die, Video Games Listen to it When: You want to vibe out but not cry.
War Horse Porn Title: War Whores Synopsis: Opening at the dawn of WWI, War Whores features screen legend Mata Whori as a proprietor of a small brothel in west France. Hell-bent on helping her country defeat the German menace, Whori uses her womanly wares, seducing young opposition officers, and arousing feelings of resentment (and boners) in anyone who willfully calls the evil Kaiser Drillthem II their Emperor.
UPCOMING RELEASES Rodrigo y Gabriela - Area 51 Lamb of God - Resolution
Paul McCartney -Kissed on the Bottom Tim McGraw - Emotional Traffic
The Fray - Scars & Stories Gotye - Making Mirrors
Imperial Teen - Feed the Sound Leonard Cohen - Old Ideas
the half time show
Drink 2 for each use of the sky cam.
Drink 2 for each instance when Madonna does not stand (ex: sit, roll, lay down, fly).
Drink 3 each time Cris Collinsworth criticizes a play. Drink 4 when Bob Costas makes a historical reference. Drink 5 every time they cut to Peyton Manning. Drink 6 each time the announcers have to plug an NBC show.
Drink 3 each time a “surprise guest” arrives on stage. Drink 5 for every costume change Madonna makes. Hand out 3 for correctly guessing the next song in Madonna’s medley. Chug a beer if Lady Gaga makes an appearance.
when the team you're rooting for Hand out 1 when your team completes a pass. Hand out 1 each time your team gets a first down. Hand out 3 each time your team sacks the opposing quarterback. Hand out 3 if your team kicks a field goal. Hand out 6 if your team scores a touchdown.
Drink 1 for each yard lost on a negative play. Drink 2 when your team uses a timeout. Drink 3 if your team has to punt. Drink 3 when your team commits a penalty. Drink 5 if your team commits a turnover.
at your place
Drink 3 every time a child is used in an adorable manner.
Drink 2 every time someone uses gambling lingo.
Drink 3 for each beer commercial.
Drink 3 each time someone misidentifies a player.
Drink 4 when there’s a commercial from a company you’ve never heard of.
Drink 3 every time someone spills something.
Hand out 2 for each celebrity cameo you identify.
Drink 7 if you’re not watching when a team scores.
Hand out 5 every time you recognize a song in a commercial.
Drink an entire beer if you ever accidentally mention Tim Tebow.
are you mr. lonely? teddy baum cox wrote this
Are you feeling lonely this winter? Have you resorted to constant masturbation to fill the void in your ice-cold heart? If you answered yes to either, you should know there is a fine line between a healthy habit that can deepen your own sexual understanding and a twisted perversion that will leave your underwear looking like a Jackson Pollock original (of semen). So, where do you stand on our masturbation scale? Take some time, answer some questions, add up the points, and then reflect how miserably lonely all of us truly are. Frequency: Kickin’ it off easy. How many times are you going down to bonertown and firing the mayor? A) 0: I have a bevy of fuck buddies or my sexual drive is slothlike at best. (0 Points- Skip to the end.) B) 1 time a day: I do it to relieve stress; it’s no big deal. (1 Point) C) 2-3 times a day: So what? I like to beat it. If it weren’t for this economy… (2 Points) D) 4+ times a day: My hands are calloused over and my shlong looks like a hot dog that’s been left out in the sun for too long. (3 Points) Location: Where are you doing the dirty deed? A) Only in my bedroom with the door locked and shades drawn; I am a private person. (0 Points) B) Sometimes the shower to prevent excessive messes, but I still enjoy my privacy. (1 Point) C) I masturbate with the door unlocked and/or in a communal shower. (2 Points) D) I’ll masturbate in front of you right now! (3 Points) Supporting Materials: What do you use to help you get in the mood? A) Only my imagination and the memories of past girls I’ve made love to. (0 Points) B) Porn. Plain and simple. (1 Point) How did you finish? 0 Points: I, and everyone else who isn’t in your situation hate you. You have a stable hookup or a loving and generous girlfriend; in either of those cases, you are a lucky, lucky man. If this is not the case and you actually don’t “get” why people are “so horny these days,” then do yourself a favor and get laid. Trust me, it’s awesome. Not to peer pressure you or anything, but nobody wants to marry someone who sucks in the sack. 1-6 Points: Pretty healthy, really. You do it to relieve stress or you want to procrastinate doing something else, but you could probably stand to be a little more open when it comes to spicing things up—you’ll never know if banging a lube-filled latex glove is fun unless you try it. 7-12 Points: Okay, chief— let’s take a break from flogging the
movie trivia answers: 1) Levar burton 2) Weird Al Yankovic 3) dave navarro 4) tommy wiseau
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C) The Spring Break photos girls post on Facebook. (2 Points) D) Photos of my ex-girlfriend, Miley Cyrus and other barely legals. (3 Points) Other Accessories: What are you using to help you get off more effectively? (We want to masturbate smarter not harder here, people.) A) Nothing! I K.I.S.S. or “Keep it simple, stupid!”(0 Points) B) My shampoo pulls double duty, but there is a weird snakelike shedding that tends to occur afterward… (1 Point) C) Lotion/Lube—I had a bad experience with Indian Burns in middle school. (2 Points) D) Unless I can confirm you’re over the age of 18, I can’t say. (3 Points) Wild Card: Be honest; what’s that weird thing you only ask for when you’re really intoxicated? Don’t worry, your buddy Teddy won’t tell anyone… A) Nothing here. In fact, I only have sex in the missionary position and we always keep it nice and dark. (0 points) B) I like to watch Lady Gaga music videos play in the background when I do it. (1 Point) C) Alright, well, uh… I like to do it with a belt around my neck. (2 Points) D) Well, uh, I sometimes do it to photos of my ex-girlfriend and once I’ve cried I enough, I, uh, use the tears as lube. (3 Points) dolphin and really evaluate what’s going on here. You do know if you don’t use it, you won’t lose it. It’s perfectly healthy to explore your sexuality, but if you keep tugging on your Johnson at the rate you are, you’re going to need some crazy intense porn to get you up and off in the future. What started off as a seemingly normal habit could turn into an embarrassing fetish at any point. 13-15 Points: Whoa, at this rate, you might actually rip your Sergeant York right off. Between the friction rashes and addiction to alligator porn, this is something that you have to quit before anyone finds out. If you’re not careful now, your jerkoff habits will spill over to your sex life and ruin any fuck-buddy relationships you may have developed prior to this point. But, seriously… this is rock bottom. Turn off the porn, close the laptop, shower for God’s sake, and go out to the bar and meet someone. You’re making the rest of us look bad.
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