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The Black Sheep “A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College...” peeing off your balcony Week of February 16th, 2011 | Volume 4 Issue 06

Other stuff

Inside 04 How Lou Ann K. Simon

Became President:

There’s no sexual insinuations in there, we swear it!

MSU Might Not Be So Green After All… Ryan Jurado wrote this

05 The Total Beer Diet

It’s light beer, right? Then get ready to lose that weight!

14 all msu contest Can you spot our fake entries? Some free stuff says can’t CONTINUED ONyou PAGE 11...


inter in Michigan can be colder than an all penguin adaptation of “In Cold Blood” at an ice-cream social. Most of us are used to it because Old Man Winter has been an inconsiderate prick to us since our youths (especially Yoopers who, as I understand it, travelled to and from school in snowshoes while being tracked by wild wolves since the age of five). Then again, there are those among us who were not raised in a place where you could piss out an icicle and be unimpressed. I had an Indian friend a few years back who couldn’t walk from Brody to Wells without a sweatshirt, a windbreaker, a coat, two pairs of pants, socks, thicker socks, moccasins inside boots, mittens inside gloves, and at least four different types of hat to cover every inch of space on his head (including his eyes). We had to walk him everywhere like a seeing eye dog to keep Frankenstein from getting hit by a bus. As it turns out, he should have gotten a seeing-eye dog—the moral of the story is winter takes something precious from everyone. The point is, in the winter it’s easy for us to rush inside and pump up the heat, then dance about naked while giving Mother Nature the finger and flashing our privates at pictures of polar bears. But unless we’re off-campus and pinching pennies, most of us never stop to care where our heat is coming from or how much we use. Hell, I’ve always assumed that somewhere in my neighborhood there was a forced bonfire mating facility which uses hot bonfire-on-bonfire action to produce little heat babies. Then again, my understanding of science is tenuous at best. But all of us use the heat pumped into on-campus buildings, whether we live in it, work in it, study in it, or use the abandoned rooms in the basement of Yakeley-Gilchrist to grow “special crops” in it. It is vital for all of us, and so we should all probably at least pretend to give a shit how we campus buildings get from deadly-cold to “it’s

a little too hot in here, crack a window.” As it turns out, MSU has the largest on-campus coal burning plant in the nation, which means our fine university goes through about as many pounds of coal per year as containers of booze. In 2008, MSU reported 7.58 percent excess sulfur dioxide emissions and 4.75 percent excess nitrogen oxide emissions in addition to the typical air-quality destruction which results in far fewer mutated super heroes than originally anticipated. These excesses cost the school about $27,000, which equates to a keg per hundred students of lost partying that year alone. Like many of you, I was unmoved until I realized that the coal plant could be preventing parties. Now I’m pissed. And the transition won’t be free or easy, but at least money and time spent will be an investment rather than the monetary equivalent of getting trashed, punching a hole in the wall, and then paying the landlord for the damage to the house. Except, in this case, the landlord can’t patch the hole, and every future tenant will wonder why there’s a window between the living room and the shower. It doesn’t take much to help fix this problem and get our keg money in our living rooms instead of paying fines (note: keggers in living rooms may lead to other fines). If you see some petitioners trying to get signatures around campus, don’t act like they have leprosy. After all, leprosy is pretty difficult to contract. If you really care about the issue, ask what you can do to help. If you don’t have the gumption to give effort, you can just sign the paper, take the goddamn candy, and go about your day. Then go back to posing nude in front of your roommate’s webcam knowing you’ve done something to help. If you want to learn more about making MSU greener, there are tons of online resources you can visit, including and

a big list of awesome stuff


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join the team! Think you belong on our elite staff? Can you make a good penis joke while taking down a beer bong? Are you good looking enough to hook up with an 8 or two 4's in any given night? Well hot damn, we might be looking for you. Hit us up at and let us know what you'd want to do (even if your life goal is to hang out with Bailey, we might consider you).


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Shoutouts | Online Bar Grid | New Content | Videos Content from 8 Schools | Party Pictures | Campus Events | Drinking Games Galore | Contests and Prizes Booze Reviews | So Much More! Check out our new website: online issues. bar grid. party pics.


Here are a few words for you to learn, memorize, and use on a daily basis. Try it out and see what happens! Inchalotta: Definition: A dude who’s a grower, not a shower. Sentence: “When Steve first took his pants off I wasn’t impressed. Turns out he’s an inchalotta, and he’s packing some heat down there.” Sloppy Ho: Definition: A girl who always demands someone orders drunk food, but passes out before the food arrives. Sentence: “That sloppy ho Beth passed out again and we just ordered that pizza five minutes ago.”

Send us a sentence using one of the words above, and the best one wins a prize!


How Lou Ann K. Simon Became MSU’s President Steven VanMaele wrote this President’s Day is coming up, and what better way to acknowledge it than to recognize our own university president Mrs. Lou Ann K. Simon? The 20th president of our prestigious university, Simon’s road to this honorable title derived from her experience in the Michigan Governor’s Emergency Financial Advisory Panel, the Council on Competitiveness, and the American Council of blah blah blah she’s-so-smart-and-qualified. After all that political BS, Simon was thrown a paddle. Pledge term had begun. Facilitated by the higher ups of MSU and some famous alumni, Simon and seven other pledges had to go balls to the wall to earn the job. The other pledges included Rosie O’Donnell, Reba McEntire, a morbidly obese man, and several other no-name losers. First and foremost, Simon and the other pledges had to master every single major at MSU in a single semester. That was the easy part. The pledges also had to be able to party to the extent that their future students would. An entire keg had to


Simon’s annual salary is $425,000


be finished every night by the eight pledges and Simon had to pull some slack for the other lightweights. Immediately following the keg, Simon and the pledges were ordered to run in their underwear around the perimeter of the entire campus, twice, and had to swim across the Red Cedar every time they passed it. This proved to be fairly difficult because the Red Cedar was so littered with trash that swimming was goddamn near impossible. Afterwards, the pledges could eat nothing except wolverine meat and buck eyes. Where others grimaced, Simon ate an entire wolverine and twenty buck eyes every day. She made all of the other pledges look like pathetic fools. The group was given a list of tasks to complete for their pledge term. Such tasks included beatingSparty in a push up contest, giving Willie the Can Man 1,000 beer cans after drinking them, beating Izzo in a game of 21, obtaining a Spartan shield from Gerard Butler, tying Denard Robinson’s shoes, TPing Rich Rod’s house, lighting 500 bags of shit on fire in the Big House, and learning the secret location of Saywatanayo to help Tim Robbins and Morgan Freeman build a boat. Simon sailed home in a yacht to finish her initiation. In the end, only Simon remained and she was given one final task: to skin a wolverine, climb the Beaumont Tower, and hang it to fly. At the top, Simon was greeted by the dean of every college, Sparty, Tom Izzo, Mark Dantonio, and Magic Johnson.

As they exited the tower, Magic Johnson drew a genuine Spartan Sword from the Persian War and dubbed Lou Ann K. Simon president of MSU. Since then, she has been doing all the presidential things you would expect a president to do— smokin’, snortin’, shootin’, suckin’, tokin’, poppin’, droppin’, etc. And for that, we applaud her. Keep up the good work prez! The Streets


“Who is your favorite President and why?”

Total Beer Diet

“JFK because he’s a pimp had an affair with Marilyn Monroe.” Chris Amrich, Junior

Justin Gawel and Scott Backman wrote this Diet: one of the scariest words in the English language. This is especially true since most diets make you cut out alcohol completely. How is one supposed to make questionable decisions if they’re sober? Fear not, loyal readers, a colleague and Eskimo brother and I have devised a way to lose all the weight without losing any of the boozing. Of course, it’s The Total Beer Diet! The system is simple; the dieter is allowed to eat as much Total cereal as they want, plus all of the alcoholic beverages they want (and water, I guess). You’re receiving 100% of eleven vitamins and nutrients, plus being drunk all the time. It’s having your cake, eating it too, and then getting head from said cake.

manage to survive the day nursing a stiff screwdriver-- and by that I mean drinking a mixed drink and not sucking a dick. Day two is in the books. Saturday Waking up doesn’t feel so awful as your body has kind of adjusted to periodically snacking on Total all day instead of real meals. A pilgrimage to Spartan Spirits throws a wild card into the diet though. On sale is ‘Herding Cats,’ a 13.5% ABV wine from South Africa that only costs $2.50 a bottle and tastes like rugby mixed with Apartheid. Boom, game-changer. You happily purchase three bottles and proceed to spend the rest of the night rambling about nothing to strangers. Day three is completed.


With no takers to be guinea pigs for the trial run and the pet store refusing to sell us any guinea pigs to get drunk, we decided to dig in and experience four days on the diet. I present what the average dieter could expect undertaking The Total Beer Diet.

“It’s having your cake, eating it too, and then getting head from said cake.”

Thursday 5:30pm You travel to Meijer to procure provisions for your mission; you begin to feel like you are starting down the Oregon Trail. After Meijer, you begrudgingly eat your last meal (Jesus should have totally gotten Menna’s instead of bread and wine).When you taste Total for the first time, you’re quick to realize that it tastes worse than a lightly-sweetened homeless man. A typical night of drinking ensues, but you are forced to sit out when the drunk-food plundering occurs.

Friday You wake up with grumblies in your tummy that are worsened by the addition of Total. One would think with all those vitamins it would actually fill you up, but alas, you feel emptier than Sarah Palin looking back on her life accomplishments. A bold strategy hits you: why not just drink until you pass out everyday until the four days are up? Wow, a Schindler’s List level of depression right there, but a decent strategy nevertheless! You

Sunday Woof. Waking up drunk will help you here as you head to the liquor store for more ‘Herding Cats’ (for the Pussy Poacher inside all of us, of course). Morale is high, as you are down to the last twenty-four hours of this torment. So, grab some drink, set your phazers to fun, and enjoy the ensuing blackout courtesy of alcohol and lack of food.

Monday You wake up in a cold sweat and initially think either your body is breaking down completely or that you’ve switched bodies with a heroin addict going through withdrawal. Thankfully (this time), you’re in the former predicament. Your best bet is to try sleeping constantly until you make it to the end at 5:30pm. Reaching for the Pepto-Bismol makes you realize that the only non-alcoholic liquid you’re allowed to have is water, so you guess you’re going to have to Irish up this remedy. PeptoBooze-Mol down the hatch. Five thirty finally arrives and you begin to amass together a binge of bulimic proportions. Taco Bell, Bell’s, Qdoba, and McDonalds make for a feast that would turn anyone into a Type II diabetic. At five-thirty you gorge yourself as much as possible before falling asleep in front of a TV. Pure Michigan!

“Ronald Regan because he’s sexy!” Morgan Cole, Senior

“Bill Clinton because him and Monica played with a cigar. ” Nick Griggs, Senior

S E R U T C I P k e e w E H T OF

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SHOUT OUTS! To the guys that live beneath us: stop banging on the fucking ceiling when its a friday night. MAN UP. sincerely, annoyed shitless. Hey Hannah, stop showing up to my parties on ecstasy and trying to make out with me in front of my girlfriend. You are nasty and dubstep sucks. Laura, Thanks for answering the door in just your underwear. Best. Delivery. Ever. Order again, Jimmy Johns delivery guy To the hot girl in my 400 level econ class. Why are you in this class? It baffles me, you are too hot. From the one nonasian guy PS I wanna make a mess in your mouth Who’s that cute Latina that sits in front of me in Pysch? You look hot as hell in winter clothes, I can’t wait for Spring to start. AF, if you ever say Hoobastank to me again, I’ll punch you in the face. -Amanda Stop putting snow in my beds you assholes! I am going to poop on your beds! Thanks, Mikey

SEND IN YOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO or upload them at



5 Ridiculous Infomercial Products Lauryn Schroeder wrote this

Every year, high school grads around the nation are whisked off to college with hopes of learning new skills and finally being free of mommy and daddy dearest. Well, along with the scarce knowledge that we actually acquire here, we also become experts in procrastination. So what do we do with the gallons of built up time on our hands? Watch TV...and lots of it. It’s incredibly easy to find yourself mindlessly sitting in front of the tube, watching complete crap television. (Anything is better than doing homework, right?) Reruns of the Golden Girls, hours of Cartoon Network, Temptation Island... you know what I’m talking about. But once and a while, you’ll get a little taste of some brain-blasting stupidity on camera, and you’ll turn to your roommate John Dosey and say, “Was that infomercial for real?” It is my pleasure to present to you: the top 5 most ridiculous infomercial products.


Putting the Bedazzler to shame, this razzle shmazzle product can boost the confidence of women everywhere by allowing them to decorate their “yoohoo” with jewels. No, I’m not kid

ding. Guys have enough trouble navigating their way down there, and you wanna throw in some shiny gems to distract them? No thank you!

The Booty Pop

Want more junk in your trunk? Oddly enough, some girls actually do! Things have gotten a bit trickier for the guys trying to scope out hot tail at the club because now they run the risk of being seriously disappointed when things head back to her place. He thinks he’s going home with a curvaceous bombshell; only to find out that she’s as stuffed as a 12-year-old’s bra. Definite buzz kill.

The Tiddy Bear

Does your seatbelt ever cut into your shoulder? Does the belt being too tight bother your chest? Yeah, me neither...but the ironically named, Tiddy Bear, easily attaches to your safety strap and rests comfortably between both nipples. This cute little guy is designed to make driving more “pleasurable” and moves up and down your strap to snuggle comfortably to your “driving” needs. The creator of this product had some serious childhood problems or needs to lay off the Viagra.

The Infamous Snuggie Setting the standard for “as seen on TV” products, the Snuggie is known nationwide. It’s the blanket with sleeves! It will not make you look cool and certainly will not be “fun for the whole family.” They come in plenty of patterns and colors, surely something that will please every member of your family. There’s even a Spartan-themed Snuggie for those of us who want to snuggle AND show school spirit.

Kush Support

I think I saved the best for last with this one. In case you’re unfamiliar with the Kush, this nighttime companion is simply a “tan colored cylinder” that is sold for just $19.99! What is its purpose do you ask? Well, you put this “tan colored cylinder” in between your breasts, providing support while you sleep! Finally someone came up with a solution for this nationwide problem! Thank god!

As college students, we may be too broke to actually afford any of this crap, but if nothing else, it exists as a beacon of hope. If someone else can get rich off of this junk, there’s hope for all of us yet.

The Bar Grid

January 2010  

Happy Hour: Monday – Friday 3-6pm. $2.00: Domestic Pints $2.50: Well Drinks ½ Off: Potato Skins, Onion Rings, and Hush Puppies.


WED, 2/16 THURS, 2/17

FRI: 4-8PM: Nacho Bar $1.50 Wells & High Life Wednesday Daily Specials: $2 Coronas   Monday 9pm-Close 8-Close: $3 All Drafts,   $2.50 - Pints Daniels, Soco Limes, $2.50 –Jack Call Drinks Tuesday 9pm-Close Kamikazes, LIVE DJ!6  $2.00 – Well Drinks

THURS: No Cover, Live DJs $3 Pints of ‘lites’ Thursday Friday  Saturday  $3 Wells 31  1  2  DJ Beats (Front Bar)  DJ Beats (Front Bar)  Global Village   $3 SoCo-Limes, Kamikazes DJ Minze (Back Bar)  DJ Minze (Back Bar)  $4 UV Bombs 7 



         DJ Beats (Front Bar)  DJ Beats (Front Bar)           The Whirly Birds   $3.00 – Premium Drafts   DJ Minze (Back Bar)  DJ Minze (Back Bar)     $4.00 - Irish Car Bombs Wednesday 9pm-Close 13  14  15  16  $2.00 – Domestic Drafts   DJ Beats (Front Bar)   DJ Beats (Front Bar)    $2.50 – Well Drinks DJ Minze (Back Bar)   DJ Minze (Back Bar)  The Ice Boxers  $3.00 – Bombs   Thursday 9pm-Close $2.50 – Pints 20  21  22  23                      $2.50 – Call Drinks                     DJ Beats (Front Bar)  DJ Beats (Front Bar)  STAR FARM   Friday 9pm-Close    DJ Minze (Back Bar)   DJ Minze (Back Bar)  $3.50 – All Pints   $3.00 – Well Bash Drinks 3-8: Half off ALL Drinks Burger Saturday 9pm-Close 27  28  29  30  $1 Burgers, $1 Fries $3.50 – All Pints           DJ Beats (Front Bar)                     $3.00 – Well8-Close: Drinks Ladie’s Night! DJ Beats (Front Bar)    DJ Minze (Back Bar)   DJ Minze (Back Bar)                    DJ Beats   Sunday All Day $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Lt., $3.00 –Bloody Mary & Mimosas Rolling $3.00 – Pints Rock Bottles, Call Drinks,     $8.00 – SoCo Burger, Fries & Pintand Kamizakes Limes Every Day   $3.50 $3.00 – Kamikaze ShotsLong Islands      Dublin Square Irish Pub $4.00 – Pinnacle Bombs 327 Abbott Rd East Lansing MI 48823 9pm – Close Every Day

$1.75 24oz Cans of Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Labbatt Blue $2 Wells $3 Rumpleminze

Happy Hour 4-7, Monday-Friday: $1 Off Pitchers, $0.50 Off Cocktails, $0.25 Off Bottles and Drafts Lunch Specials 11:30 to 2, Monday-Friday $4.72 Burgers w/ chips and drink $5.47 Burgers w/ fries and drink

BURGERAMA! 3-9PM Burgers $1.50

DJ DANCE PARTY (live DJ or Band) 1/2 Food all day!

$3 Pints of ‘lites’ $3 Calls $3 SoCo-Limes, Kamikazes $4 UV Bombs

Pitcher Night! $1.50 Off 60oz pitchers

No Cover, Live DJs $3 Pints of ‘lites’ $3 Wells $3 SoCo-Limes, Kamikazes $4 UV Bombs

Southwest Night! $2.75 Corona, Sierra Nevada, and Cuervo Gold Shots

BURGERAMA: $1.50 Burgers (3-9) $3 ‘Rama Brew, $2.50 Frog Tanks $3.50 Labatt Pitchers

Live DJs $3 Pints of ‘lites’ For More Information Contact Us:     (517) 351­2222  $3 Wells   Or Text: “Dublin Square” to  $3 SoCo-Limes, Kamikazes 839863 for specials & updates.   $4 UV Bombs  

Happy Hour 4-7: $1 Off Pitchers, $0.50 Off Cocktails, $0.25 Off Bottles and Drafts Lunch Specials 11:30 to 2, Monday-Friday $4.72 Burgers w/ chips and drink $5.47 Burgers w/ fries and drink

$7.50 ALL YOU CAN EAT FISH FRY! $3.75 Smirnoff $5 Red Bull and Well Vodka $3.50 Grape Crush Shots $3 Labatt Mugs

$3.75 Captain/Jack Drinks $3 Labatt Mugs $3.50 SoCo Lime $4 Burger/Fries 12-5 pm

$3 Labatt Mugs $3 Well & Call Drinks $4 Bombs/Shots (except Patron)

FRI, 2/18

Half Off Happy Hour 4-8PM $2 Nacho Bar, Half-Off Drinks 8-Close: $3 All Drafts, Jack Daniels, Soco Limes, *Ladies Night~ Every Thursday! and Kamikazes  

SAT, 2/19

$3.50 Captain Morgan $3.50 Flavored Vodkas $3 SoCo Lime and Kamikazes $3 Domestic Bottles and Drafts

Live Band and DJ $4 Smirnoff flavors $3 Pints of ‘lites’ $3 Wells $3 SoCo-Limes, Kamikazes $4 UV Bombs

$2.50 Pints of Labatt and Miller Lite all day!

SUN, 2/20


$3 Pints, Calls, and Bacardi Bombs $3 Bloody Mary’s and Mimosas $8 Burger, Fries, and a Pint

Canadian Night! $2.50 Bottles Labatt Blue & Blue Light; Molson Golden and Canadian

Taco Trio w/ Drink Purchase 4:30-11:00pm $2.75 3 Beef or Chicken Tacos

MON, 2/21

$4 Domestic Pitchers $5 Premium Pitchers $3 Gator Bite Shots

$2 Pints of ‘lites’ $2 Wells $3 SoCo-Limes, Kamikazes $4 UV Bombs

Miller Lynchburg Night! $2.50 Miller, Lite, and Genuine Draft Bottles $2.75 Jack Shots

1/2 off FOOD all day! $1.75 Wll Drinks All Day $3 Labatt Mugs $4 Shots & Bombs

TUES, 2/22

$2 Bottles of Miller Lt, Coors Lt, and Rolling Rock $2 ALL CALL DRINKS $2 Soco Lime and Kamakazee Shots $3.50 Long Islands

$2 Pints of ‘lites’ $2 Wells $3 SoCo-Limes, Kamikazes $4 UV Bombs

Big Draft Beer Night! $2.75 Labatt Blue and Miller Lite $3.70 Blue Moon and Sam Adams $4.90 Guiness

WED, 2/23

$1.75 24oz Cans of Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Labbatt Blue $2 Wells $3 Rumpleminze

$3 Pints of ‘lites’ $3 Calls $3 SoCo-Limes, Kamikazes $4 UV Bombs

½ Off – Potato Skins Hush Puppies & Onion Rings

Pitcher Night! $1.50 Off 60oz pitchers

POOL TOURNAMENT 7 pm FREE POOL ALL DAY!! $2 Well and Call Drinks $3 Labatt Mugs $2.50 Sex on the Beach $3 Long Islands $2.75 3 Soft Shell Tacos DJ DANCE PARTY (live DJ or Band) 1/2 Food all day!

$3 Labatt Mugs $3 Well & Call Drinks $4 Bombs/Shots (except Patron)

The Bar Grid Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close Sunday - Friday: $1.00 off ALL tall Drafts, $3 Smirnoff® flavors, Crown Royal®, Captain Morgan®, Jack Daniel’s®, SoCo®, Jameson Irish Whiskey® & $2 Select Shots PLUS $3 select appetizers!

HAPPY HOUR! Mon - Fri, 4-7 $1 Pints 1/2 Off Drinks and Drafts Free Pool and Darts

Free For All Friday 9-10 NO Cover 9-11 FREE Draft Beer Tasting 9-11 FREE Pizza 9-11 $1.00 Drafts, Wells & Shots 11-2 $2.50 Wells, Beers & Shots

Super Smoke Sunday All Hookah’s $9


Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close FREE trivia starts tonight at 10pm. Get your team together and join us!

Half Off Wednesday 1/2 Off Food 1/2 Off Drinks 1/2 Off Beers 1/2 Off Bottles of Wine


Drink Night! Buy a Hookah and Get TWO FREE Drinks!

WED, 2/16

Thirstygirl Thursday Ladies Night – NO Cover $1.95 You Call It Wells, Calls & Beers

TJ Duckett’s Masquerade Ball!

Happy Hour 7-9PM $2 Off All Smoke Sessions

THURS, 2/17

Free For All Friday 9-10 NO Cover 9-11 FREE Draft Beer Tasting 9-11 FREE Pizza 9-11 $1.00 Drafts, Wells & Shots 11-2 $2.50 Wells, Beers & Shots

Happy Hour 7-9PM $2 Off All Smoke Sessions

FRI, 2/18

SEDUCTION SATURDAY with DJ DIL NO Cover For The LADIES $1.95 Blow Jobs, Slippery Nipples, Screaming Orgasms $1.95 Dirty Girl Scouts and Wet Pussys $1.95 Cosmos & Glasses of Champagne $1.95 Flavored Vodka Drinks $1.95 Sex On The Beach

Happy Hour 7-9PM $2 Off All Smoke Sessions

SAT, 2/19


Super Smoke Sunday All Hookah’s $9

SUN, 2/20


Buy 1 Smoke Session for $12, Receive Same Flavor Refill for Free!

MON, 2/21 TUES, 2/22 WED, 2/23

Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close 55-cent boneless wings

Red Wings vs. Lightning at 7:30pm – Watch the game on our big screen TVs!

Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close Red Wings vs. Panthers at 7:30pm – Have you tried our Absolut Beri Acai?

MSU vs. Illinois at 9pm Be sure to try one of our $3 select appetizers! Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close Red Wings vs. Wild at 12:30 m. Plus, WWE Elimination Chamber at 8pm!

Mega 80s Live!

$2.50 Bombs $2.50 Captain Drinks $2.50 Jack Drinks $2.50 Stoli Drinks $2.50 Pints

SATISFACTION SATURDAY MY DEAR DISCO NO Cover before 9 $2.00 Pints, $3.00 Calls Open - 7PM Half-Off Pizza $2.50 Pints, $6.75 Pitchers Sunday School 7-Close 1/2 Off Drinks, FREE PIZZA!

Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close 55- cent boneless wings Stop in for lunch and start your week off right! Lunch combos starting at $6.99!

$1.50 Pints $3.00 Pitchers FREE Hot Dogs

Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close 45-cent traditional wings Red Wings & Pistons play at 7:30pm. Plus, MSU vs. Minnesota at 9 pm. Go Green! Go White!

Taco Tuesdays - FREE Tacos All-You-Can-Eat 7PM – 12AM $1.75 Wells $3.00 Well Doubles $2.50 Margaritas $5.00 Buckets of Coronas


Guess the Flavor Night First 2 Correct Guesses Receive FREE Smoke Session!

Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close Pistons vs. Pacers at 7pm – Get over hump day with our Beer of the Month specials!

Half Off Wednesday 1/2 Off Food 1/2 Off Drinks 1/2 Off Beers 1/2 Off Bottles of Wine


Drink Night! Buy a Hookah and Get TWO FREE Drinks!




of the

Nickname: Red Major: Massage Therapy Age: 24 Relationship Status: Taken Favorite President: JFK Why do you think Luscious got kicked off the team? Point Shaving Favorite Junk Food: Salt and Vinegar Chips Hobbies: Working out and reading How are you preparing for SB? NOT. Stuck working =( What did you do on the snow day? Working yet again, but I made good money! Have you ever broken the law? Yes, drinking while intoxicated What famous person would you like to serve a drink: Johnny Depp Embarrassing moment: Spilt a whole tray of drinks on a dad If Hollywood made a movie about your life, what would the title be? Cocktails for Everyone Last thing you Googled: Hot spots to go to in Chicago Favorite color M &M: Blue Dream Job: Archaeologist Rock star you would want to party with: Stone Temple Pilots... the whole band Dream Celeb Hook up: Johnny Depp Craziest hook up spot: I don’t hook up anywhere else but the bedroom Hangover cure: Don’t have a cure because I never get them! Shout out: Dani C - I love working with you girl! 

mel m u r C a Shann ild Wings Buffalo W



Black and Tan + Guinness + Killian’s

Throw Down You and your homies will definitely throw down and roll out. What You Need: Beer, cards, peeps. Number of Players: 3 ideally, but 4 works. Intoxication Level: You’ll probably get thrown out of a bar.

How to Play: -Everyone grabs a beer, and gets dealt three cards at the beginning of the game. There are two rounds. Aces are high. Round 1: Every one throws down their highest card at the same time. The 2 players with the lowest cards go on to the 2nd round and the player with the highest card is “safe” for now. The cards thrown down are discarded. If two players happen to throw down the same card, whether it is higher or lower than the other card(s), they are the losers of that round and go on. Round 2: The last 2 players each have 2 remaining cards. They pick a card to throw down. Whoever has the lowest card (the “loser”) has to drink for that many seconds of the card he threw down. The other player (the “winner”) has to drink for as many seconds as the single card left in his hand. -The game is then over, and you may deal out 3 new cards to each player again.

Dead Nazi

+ Jager + Rumplemintz


ter s a s i D

for e p i Rec Tater Tot Burrito

Late-night food making is a lot like post-apocalyptic food scavenging; you’re confused, you don’t want to leave the house and you need to stay on a full stomach. In either case the tater tot burrito is perfect, what college kid wouldn’t have these ingredients? What You Need: Tortillas, tater tots, cheese, ketchup, chili (optional) Cook Time: Two minutes too long (so, two minutes).

Fatty Factor: This thing has, like, negative healthy things about it.

Let’s Get Baked: - Prepare tater tots as directed on the bag (microwave is fastest, but least crispy). - Once the tater tots are prepared, place them on the tortilla. - Place cheese on top of the tater tots (add chili here if you like). - Roll into burrito form and microwave for another minute and thirty seconds. - Remove, let sit for one minute. Top with ketchup. Bathroom Aftermath: Not too hard on the stomach, but holy crap carbs and starches. You gonna be thirsty.

Sexy Time







drinking games

Starry Night + Goldschlager + Jager


The Game Ends When: You run out of cards and start pooping on the loser.

dare you

TOP 10


Things You Don’t Want to Hear Coming from Your Bathroom 10. The Coach: This guy’s in your bathroom talking to his rear-end like it’s the quarterback in the last five seconds of the Superbowl. Get a cooler full of Gatorade ready for when this guy walks out of the bathroom; he’s gonna need a cool down after the sweat he’s worked up. What this will sound like: “Come onnnnnn. Give me a little more – stupid shit! Just get out there!”

9. The Toots: I can only put it so nicely. Serious gas is the problem here. This culprit has been crop dusting the party since he walked in and has finally closed himself off in your bathroom to clear his system. No amount of Febreeze or scented candles will be able to cover up this fiasco. People will smell this for days to come and guess who the blame will fall on? What you’ll hear: “PFFFfffffff.” 8. The Hummer: I once told my dad I’m a shy pee-er, and he gave me this little piece of advice, “Just close your eyes, plug your ears, and hum to yourself.” Now, I’m all for looking like a lunatic, but this is a bit creepy. In fact, I imagine this is how pedophiles use the bathroom. I feel really bad for anyone who has invited my father to a party – the sleep they must have lost. What this will sound like: “(to the tune of ‘Ring Around the Rosey’) Hmmm-hm-hmm Huh-hummm-hmm…”

It’s February 17th! Steve Richenbacker wrote this Most people in this God forsaken country would probably just let February 17th pass them by like any other Thursday. They’ll say things like “Oh, well, tomorrow is the weekend and the bar is always open.” Regardless of whether the bar is open or not, Cheryl (the name of the fake girl that said this is Cheryl), February 17th isn’t just another day; it’s a day that has a Wikipedia entry. The 48th day on the Gregorian Calendar (no clue what that means) is also a day that signifies something for the family and friends of Johnny Weismueller, who set a world record by swimming the 100-meter freestyle in 57.4 seconds on February 17th, 1924. The previous record was 12 minutes. It should be noted that Weismueller was the first competitive swimmer to have all of his limbs. He is the man who is universally known for ending what is known in the swimming pantheon as the “Dark Ages.” Equally as boring and sports related, The Basketball Hall of Fame opened in the remarkably Caucasian town of Springfield, Massachusetts, which is apparently where this sport was invented, on this glorious day in 1968. Surrounded by a sea of confused, ivory faces, The James Naismith Memorial Basketball Hall of Fame kicked the doors of horrible location down and welcomed Mr. Basketball, who is mostly known for his elementary school assembly feats of spinning a questionably regulation size basketball on his “divorced but not ready

to get rid of the ring, just in case” finger, was welcomed into the fall as its first inductee. Later members of the hall include Julius “Dr. J” Irving, Michael Jordan, the guy who dyed Dennis Rodman’s hair and the 3rd, 16th, 85th, 183rd, 573rd and 1000th girls that Wilt Chamberlain slept with. Oddly enough, all of those girls are named Cheryl. Don’t care about sports, but still want to enjoy this day of days? Well, you’re in luck because this is also the day that the war-torn, economically desperate nation of Kosovo celebrates whatever they claim to be independence. As a nation that is most likely still at war, I’m sure they stop the bloodshed for what probably feels like hours to shoot off fireworks and listen to their national anthem, which was probably written during the Ottoman Empire. Everyone knows all of the words to it and no one messes them up at whatever their version of the Super Bowl is. Their version of the Super Bowl involves a goat and Football Federation of Kosovo President Fadil Vokrri. All in all, it is fairly obvious that February 17th is a day that should not be swept under the rug. Save that for February 25th or March 29th. This Thursday needs the respect that it deserves. Let people know of its magnitude and its undeniable majestic. It truly is the Mount Rushmore of days. How should this occasion be celebrated? Well, I heard from Cheryl that the bar is always open… online issues. bar grid. party pics.

7. The Exorcist: May sound like a close relative to the coach but this guy’s got a demon to expel from his anus. Humility is not his strong point – calling out to every archangel imaginable to help rid him of his constipation, this bishop will stop at nothing to be freed of his bowels. What you’ll hear: “OH GOD help me! Mercy – mother of – get OUT!” 6. The Waterfall: Nothing is more disturbing than hearing someone else endure explosive diarrhea. The runs are bad enough when you’ve got to sit through them, but listening to someone else relive their Taco Bell fiesta from earlier that afternoon can really induce the gag-reflex – almost as bad as hearing someone puke. What you’ll hear: It will sound like a really fart-y waterfall mixed in with some groans.

5. The Quiet One: What the heck is this guy doing in there? Forget all the gross stuff, once you notice it, this will ruin you. It didn’t seem weird at first, but about ten minutes in, you start to wonder what is going on behind those locked doors. What’s he up to? He hasn’t made a peep since he went in. You think about asking if everything’s okay in there but decide it’s best that you don’t know. What you’ll hear: “...”

4. The Master: Bater that is. Seriously, man? Can’t wait till you get home to squeeze one out? He’s been invited to sleep over and somewhere around 3am figured it would be a good time to work on his shake weight form. Just disgusting. What you’ll hear: Lot’s of self-loathing and something that reminds you of playing with silly puddy.

3. The Projectile Vomiter: I don’t know what this girl was drinking – tequila and jet fuel? – but she has lost the ability to puke at a normal capacity. Whatever is inside her needs to get out in the most violent way possible, so she goes Exorcism all over your bathroom. Incredibly, not one drop of her waste makes it into your giant toilet bowl. Her friends are so worried about her they decide to carry her home without saying a word to you about the state of your lavatory. What this will sound like: “BLAHHHHHHH-whuAAAA. … I don’t remember eating pizz-CHAHHHH. Why doesn’t this place got a toile-BWAHHHH.” 2. The Flooding: Who INVITES this guy? There’s always that one random person at a party who will never grasp the concept of an appropriate amount of toilet paper. After dropping a deuce or two he takes the entire roll of Charmin Ultra to wipe his pooper, assumes your toilet has some sort of magic vortex instead of standard plumbing, and flushes without a second thought. Then he casually walks out of your bathroom and back to the party feeling about two pounds lighter while your bathroom has turned into New Orleans – post Katrina. What you’ll hear: “*flush*… Huh, that’s some faulty plumbing. Gee, I sure hope no one lives downstairs. Hum-dee-dum-dum-I’ve-thecleanest-bum-bum.”

1. The Moans: Sex is always great, right? WRONG. If you are in no way involved in the activity, most people would really rather not have it going on in their home. Why do people feel the need to do the deed in the bathroom during a busy party? Having a couple of kids getting all playful around your potty is just hard to stomach. What this will sound like: “Ohhhh yeah baby, put me on the sink! Feels good when the toothbrush scrubs down your back door, doesn’t it? You ready to go? Yeah just splooge it everywhere, this isn’t our bathroom!”


the movie page

Based on the Trailer

Rabbit Hole DAVE saw this and gave it a...

Director: Unknown

John Cameron Mitchell



Starring: Liam Neeson, Diane Kruger, January Jones

Nicole Kidman, Aaron Eckhart, Dianne Wiest

What You Need to Know: A man (Neeson) goes on a business trip to Europe, gets into a terrible accident and goes into a 4-day coma. When he wakes up, he realizes that another man has taken his identity. Shit, that’s rude!


Great performances and heavy material deliver a movie that will definitely make you cry.

What We Think: This movie looks a leetle-bit trippy. Sure, it’s incredibly implausible, but it’s sort of twisted and that always keeps us interested. Even though this is totally a dad / dude / bro movie, we think even females could stay awake during it… just so no one steals their identity! Aah.

Hall Pass

Feb. 25th

Starring: Owen Wilson, Jason Sudeikis, Jenna Fischer What You Need to Know: Marriage is apparently super lame. So, upon the good graces of a therapist, Owen Wilson and his other husband friends get a “hall pass,” aka, one week to flirt with broads and potentially cheat on their wives.

What We Think: Hey everyone! Surprise, surprise, dudes are horny pervs! This is definitely more of a movie for couples already hitched, because they can laugh at how true and unfortunate everything is. For us under-30 crowd, we can be thankful we are still legally single.


March 4th

Starring: Johnny Depp, Abigail Breslin, Isla Fisher

What You Need to Know: Well...let’s see if we got this straight. Depp does the voice of a lizard, who lands himself into a desert and tries to adapt. But like any misfit, he gets hated on big time.

What We Think: Anything Johnny Depp touches turns into an acid trip. I mean, this lizardy thing is wearing a floral printed polo circa “Fear and Loathing” and trips that he is lost in a desert… or maybe he is? So, sure, this is an animated film, but we think it’ll be pretty awesome.


How does one write a humorous movie review about a drama that revolves around a couple dealing with the death of their four-year-old son? I don’t think it’s possible, especially when you start writing right after seeing the extrasad film and all you feel inside is extra-sad. Sure, I guess I could use the title, Rabbit Hole, for a few crude jokes about sex or something, but that seems pretty lazy. Besides, I can’t think of any sexual jokes involving a rabbit’s hole. I guess all I can say is, if you’re looking for something funny maybe skip this review, and go read some articles inside the paper. There’s probably something about poop or balls. As mentioned, Rabbit Hole concerns a married couple (played by Aaron Eckhart and Nicole Kidman) struggling with the death of their son who died eight months before the start of the film. The couple is trying to achieve some sense of normalcy, but neither seems able to recover from the loss. The husband Howie (Eckhart) tries to go through the “normal” process of recovery by attending support groups while his wife Becca (Kidman) seems more interested in stalking the teenager who (accidentally) hit their son with a car. There’s also some support from Becca’s mom (Dianne Wiest) although most of the time, she seems just as lost as the

on DVD

Aaron Eckhart

Howie and Becca. The film nails the general sadness of the couple’s life and expertly places great attention to detail on how the death has changed even small things in the character’s routines. Howie and Becca both have small obsessions, things that they’re doing to keep their mind off being sad. Most interestingly [and depressing] is that throughout the film they answer phones with a fear like they’ve experienced a terrible, life changing phone call before. They are ready for the worst on the other end even if they can’t imagine what could be worse than what has already happened. What I enjoyed most about this film is that it didn’t show one person as doing the “right” thing or being the rock to the other’s crazy emotions. It may seem that way in the beginning as Eckhart’s character starts off as this strong guy, coping better than Kidman, but as the film goes on, we see both husband and wife at high points and sad, almost to the point of pathetic, points. This adds extra realism to the story by showing that there’s often not a person in people’s lives who can suddenly make everything better. The film’s main focus is on Kidman’s character, and that works just fine. Kidman, whose celebrity makes it hard sometimes not to see

her as a wealthy ex-wife of Tom Cruise, fits perfectly in the role, giving a low-key performance that’s one of her best. A lesser actress may have come off as unlikable and stuck-up, as Kidman usually does in her films, but her emotion throughout this film reminded me that she has a right to be sort of an asshole: her kid kind of just died. I enjoyed Eckhart in the film as well, although I didn’t doubt that he would be anything but good. Sure, I was a bit distracted by the fact that both her and Kidman often looked too amazingly pretty to ever have felt sad, but the distraction was minor; despite being super good looking, the couple achieved a good everyperson feel. Before seeing the film, my biggest worry was that it was just going to be overtly sad to the point of being unbearable. And reading this review, it may seem that way, but I liked Rabbit Hole because it wasn’t just some in-your-face tearjerker. It had light parts that balanced the heavy drama and tended not to drift to sad, soul-bearing monologues that movies about dead kids like to have. I was pleasantly surprised by this fact: for once the ol’ dead kid film didn’t just stick to the clichés.

answers are a few pages from here

February 15th Waiting for “Superman” Unstoppable Summer Wars Dr. Who: A Christmas Carol

February 22nd Megamind Weeds: Season 6 Due Date Get Low

Eckhart received his BFA in Acting at which university?

Which country did Eckhart obtain most of his high school diploma?

Eckhart played Harvey Dent in the The Dark Knight. In the film, Dent is hailed as Gotham’s what?

Eckhart first got critical acclaim in which hit 2000 film starring Julia Roberts?


The Black Sheep Interviews: Monotonix Ami: We got kind of a basic idea that somebody kind of rolled in, sometimes they’re a few songs that begin with a drum beat, sometimes a song will begin with a guitar lead, or sometimes a vocal melody. Ten minutes tops that we’ll be jamming on it, there’s The Black Sheep: How did the whole Monotonix thing kind of something working there. And if we’ve got something, we’ll start get started? playing it, playing with the arrangement, organizing the song, like Ami Shalev : Everyone not in the mainstream basically knew each “this part should be like this” or “this part should be like this” and other because the town was very small. All of us have played before after ten minutes that somebody broke the basic idea and became a in bands and, sort of at the right time, all of our bands kind of broke song. It’s not going to happen, that’s the way that we work. up, so we decided “well, we know each other, we’re good friends, TBS: Where do you draw your inspiration from? let’s do something together.” And then we started writing songs and Ami: It’s from everything. It’s from everything that we see, feel, very, very, very quickly. I mean, like after a few weeks started touring get in touch in the world, from people that we know, from friends, in the US. from everything, from a lot of music that we hear, we feel it. I guess TBS: Let’s talk about your lives shows for a everything that we’re ever around and become in little bit, because they’re supposed to be super touch with is very influential. Monotonix enjoys setting duper intense. TBS: Outside just writing music, where do you are more than themselves and their Ami: It’s a very, very natural thing for us. For me, not There draw your inspiration from? What are some of equipment fire, stealbeing on stage feels like I’m pretty much in a cage 26 the bands that influence you or the band, in milliononporn sites or something like that. This is the first time that I ing drinks from audience general? can feel very, very free to do whatever I want, and members to pour on themAmi: I guess, for me, it’s like all the rock bands that basically it’s very natural for me to do these kinds of selves, and turning their I heard when I was a child, and then the kind of performances. Very physical, and I like it. music when I heard when I was a teenager. A lot shows into frenzied dance TBS: With the live show, what kind of reaction of Israeli music, I mean, in my record collection I parties. you get from the fans when you’re being superdon’t have a lot of Israeli music. But it’s there, it’s intense? in the air, you can’t avoid, the three of us grew up Ami: The band and the audience become one unit in Israel. that leaves me feeling like, like it’s a great energy TBS: So can you expand on that. What do you that you feel and that the audience feels, like, I mean by Israeli Identity in terms of music? don’t know, the sound from the cymbal or the snare Ami: You know, in Israel it’s kind of a big contrast drum, you can hear it in your ears very loud and you can touch the between east and west, so it’s not 100% eastern country or not drum or the guitar, the physical reaction between the audience and 100% western country. You can see and you can feel in the music the band so it’s all very different, and I think the reaction is very, very and the way that we play, an Israeli band, even if we are doing rock strong. music, it’s more similar in my eyes to Israeli band that is doing folk TBS: Can we talk a little bit about your album that’s coming out music than to an American rock band. January 25th called “Not Yet”? What’s it like? TBS: Getting back on track to the actual album, you worked Ami: I guess, uh, it’s very simple with very weird excerpts. with Steve Albini in Chicago. He’s pretty darn famous around TBS: What’s the creative process like? How do you get from these parts. How was that? How did he influence the sounds point A to point Z? on this album? Monotonix is a rock band from Tel Aviv, Israel. Oddly enough, they recorded their latest album “Not Yet” in Chicago. It came out the 25th. Buy it, listen to it and run through a freakin’ brick wall.



Bright Eyes The People’s Key

everything sucks! Lady GaGa Bad Romance


Splitsville Mr. Yuck


Maps and Atlases The Ongoing Horrible


The Murmurs You Suck


Creature Feature Such Horrible Things


AFI Mini Trucks Suck


The Killers A Crippling Blow


Jack Off Jill Horrible


Depeche Mode It’s No Good

10 U2 Bad 11 Beck The Horrible Fanfare 12 The Dresen Dolls Bad Habit 13 Oag Horrible Adorable 14 Arcade Fire Black Wave/Bad Vibrations 15 Keller Williams Gate Crashers Suck 16 Nine Inch Nails Suck 17 Cake Ain’t No Good

Our little Indie-emo God is growing up. I do feel a little weird listening to Bright Eyes and not being 16-yearsold, feeling so very cool and deep. I saw Bright Eyes one time with a friend of mine, and we got so drunk while we waited in line for front-row spots that by the time we got there and Conor Oberst graced us with his flippyhaired presence, we were both crying and clutching each other, just freaking out over our total fave being just feet in front of us. Needless to say we were sort of huge losers, but I’ll be damned if half of you aren’t jealous of that. Bright Eyes (aka singer/songwriter Conor Oberst) was the shit with his album Lifted and I’m Wide Awake It’s Morning which were released way back when in 2002 and 2004, respectively. Leaning to Oberst for support, the low-tempo beats and painfully passionate lyrics were perfect for kids growing into themselves through all that wacky post-pubescent everything. Though Oberst is nearly 31, growing up with his music is like seeing your badass older brother go through his various phases, in which all of them were amazingly cool, and you wanted to be like him every step of the way. It’s obvious to a long time Bright Eyes fan that his 2007 release Cassadaga was different from the rest. It’s also clear that he’s continuing to grow up and it’s evident on The People’s Key. This album is definitely less


Drive-By Truckers – Go-Go Boots PJ Harvey – Let England Shake Hayes Carll – KMAG YOYO Hillsong United – Aftermath



Ami: I think he’s a great guy, and he’s brilliant engineer, the way that he recorded the band, I mean, it’s like, what you play, what you are is what you get in the speakers. It was a great experience to work with him, and it was a great studio and it was great to work with a legendary producer like him. TBS: I’d like to talk about your mustache, because it’s so awesome. How long have you been growing it? Ami: Uhm, I don’t know, I’ve got a beard too. ::laughs:: When my head stopped growing, I was thinking, well, I should morph into something in my face. I’m a very hairy guy from the Middle East, so I don’t have any problem growing hair. Sometimes people from the US or from Europe have a problem growing out a beard or a mustache because they aren’t very hairy at all, but I’m from the Middle East, I’m very hairy, I figured I’d grow up a mustache. I realize that this is a very big mustache, so right now it’s my face looks like, it’s all covered with hair. Just for the winter! TBS: What kind of maintenance do you have for that bad boy? Do you trim it, do you shampoo it? How do you make sure it’s not just a big ratty mess? Ami: No no, it’s all nature. I just cut my hair for the first time in 5 years, I didn’t touch my mustache for two a half, three years, I didn’t touch my beard. It’s all natural, like this. TBS: All right. That’s awesome. Cool.



brendan wrote this


Out Now

catchy and more down without being terribly negative; the exact opposite of some past tracks. But Oberst’s passionate singing and inspired tunes are what he does best. “Shell Games” stands out on this album, as it’s a little fast paced and creeps more into the rock genre than his notorious folk (which he proclaims he’s trying to do). “A Machine Spiritual (In the People’s Key)” is another more upbeat track that still manages to not quite be uber-positive. “Triple Spiral” begins like it’s a track on Fevers & Mirrors, and Oberst’s attempt at being more rock is noticeable here. “Ladder Song” is more soft and emotional, and exactly what we’ve grown to love about Oberst. Conor Oberst will be one of the people who I will always enjoy, no matter the stigma. Maybe to some he “peaked” several years ago, but perhaps that’s just when his music was most relatable to the kids who were listening to it, and now those same listeners are a bit more stable. Just like when you finally learn to hold your liquor and parties become less and less fun, you start to enjoy a couple micro-brews or half a bottle of red wine. Wait a minute… we’re not growing up, are we? SOUNDS LIKE: Big brother is now in his “adult alternative rock” phase. DOWNLOAD: Shell Games, A Machine Spiritual (In the People’s Key) LISTEN TO IT When: It’s an ultra-sunny winter weekend afternoon.

Mogwai – Hardcore Will Never Die But You Will Mr. Big – What If Cowboy Junkies – Demons

James Blake – James Blake

AllMSU Pick ‘Em We all know you can find some crazy shit on, can you tell what’s real and what’s fake? There are 7 listings below, 3 are fake and 4 are real. Email is which ones are fake and the first 10 people to get them all win a prize! Hit us up at

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Movie Quiz


The Name Game!

1. Brigham Young University 2. England 3. “White Knight” 4. Erin Brockovich

Steven VanMaele

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