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The Black Sheep sist

Vol. 5, Issue 9

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

f er’ ree... s cr lik app e you yh all r litt ow le een cand

y.

10/31/13 - 11/6/13

Halloweed: Marijuana Laced Candy

Throws Trick-Or-Treaters for a Loop BY: MEgan felz People these days have a hard time waiting. Seriously, who has six months to kill until 4/20? No one, that’s who. Luckily, University of Minnesota students found a way to celebrate without all the waiting. Hence, the lesser known of the “high” holidays: Halloweed.

seyed on past the spectacle while eating a Jimmy John’s #14.

At first, many were taken aback by such an absurd public event, thinking that it was some weird Baha Men tribute band, but it would eventually be revealed that it was just a result of candy laced with the ganj. Copious amounts of candy laced with Many consumers recounted that they marijuana were reportedly handed out first noticed that their Jolly Ranchers had to unsuspecting trick-or-treaters this a whole lot more than the FDA recomThursday evening in University of Minne- mended serving of “jolly” in them when they began craving a mashed potato milk sota’s surrounding neighborhoods. Naïve students and residents alike approached shake and thinking that pretzel M&Ms achouses with the most innocent of in- tually tasted good. Quickly, the munchies tentions in mind, left a toked out mess. set in and it all made sense. As if reawakAuthorities and Taco Bell employees are ened, it dawned on at least 21% of these individuals that they were undoubtedly still trying to make sense of the matter, out on a date and have come “Authorities and Taco Bell with that slut out with an allencompassing employees are still trying to make Mary Jane. statement of, sense of the matter, and have come The shenanigans “Well, that was out with an all-encompassing state- only got better weird.” ment of, ‘Well, that was weird.’” from there. After succumbing to The night started off just like any other October 31st the full effect of the cannabis-infused candy, a butt-ton of people were seen unevening, complete with the token “guycontrollably laughing at the abandoned dressed-up-as-a-jar-of-mustard-and-abucket on the sidewalk, and whenever kid-in-a-hot-dog-costume.” Neighbors and random pedestrians walking on the the mating rituals of rhinoceros were disstreets first reported noticing something cussed (which happens more often than was awry when they saw an above-av- you would think). Additionally, instead of asking for candy, many began requesting erage number of people worshiping an empty bag of Cool Ranch Doritos while eye drops. Homeowners were not nearly as receptive to this request, barring one singing “Who Let the Dogs Out?” Some joined in, others got out their smart optometrist who doesn’t count because he thinks that parachute pants are startphones to capitalize on the premo Vine material, while others nonchalantly mo- ing to finally make a comeback.

By the end of the evening—or the very early morning—the candy had been distributed to almost the entire neighborhood. Conspiracy theories about Sun Chips and solar energy were discussed, alongside prank calls to the White House regarding President Obama’s shower. And for those little shits who take more than one piece of candy from the bowl sitting

on the porch that says “please take one,” we hope that you have learned the appropriate portion size as well. No suspects have been identified in the alleged distribution of the weed candy, but really, if anything, they were just doing everyone a favor. However, one thing is for sure: Halloween is the perfect day

to be stoned. There’s so much food that could potentially go to your hips to satisfy the dru -fueled munchies. Anyone can give out king-sized Hershey bars, but it takes a special someone, with a questionable brain-cell count, to unintentionally get a whole neighborhood of people high off their ass.

page 4

page 5

page 10

Finally OUr Time

Top 10: Ways to Succumb to Your Crippling College Debt

United States Holds Garage Sale

Sweater weather enthusiasts rejoice in the crisp fall air.

It’s okay if you need to let out a good cry.

Keep Up With Us! @BlackSheep_UMN • theblacksheeponline.com

Obama wants you to buy his old crap, but only because michelle is making him.


>>

Meet the Staff <<

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Campus director Brendan Bonham

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owner Atish Doshi

Writers Alexandra Adams Megan Felz Heather Berglund

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#goodtimes

Did you find that Halloween surprise I left in your mailbox?

It’s gooier inside than you are.

Word of the

Week

Tweet Us @BlackSheep_UMN

Miraculush A man or woman who can hold their liquor beyond any reasonably human level. “The group knew Dino was a miraculush when he crushed a case of PBR before spending the rest of the night ripping shots at a bar.”

Guess The Mascot Tweet Us @BlackSheep_UMN First right answer wins a prize!

Seriously?

DON’T MESS AROUND WITH

#BADTIMESMAN Tweet us your creepiest, most hilarious, most perverted, most raunchy (or all of the above) pick-up lines to @BlackSheep_UMN #BadTimesMan

If yours proves to be the weirdest, you’ll win a prize and be featured in next week’s issue!

Last Week’s Answer: Oklahoma State’s Pistol Pete

The Black Sheep

Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @BlackSheep_UMN and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!

Nose, eyes and mouth absent, this 36th chamber member meets Atlanta rapper with a 36-inch chain. Last Week’s Answer: Ryan Reynolds Wrap


read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com

Finally Our Time: Sweater Weather Enthusiasts Rejoice in the Crisp Fall Air By: Cora Neisen

After months of heat and humidity, sweater wearers have taken to the streets in support of the one musty treasure found in their grandfather’s closet they’ll actually touch. Wool, argyle, ugly, oversized, turtlenecked, cropped, knit, and everything in between have taken the sweater scene by storm with no sign of slowing down. Authorities have even confirmed a Christmas sweater sighting on the corner of 17th and University. “Our passion for sweaters has been repressed by tank top enthusiasts for far too many months. It’s really exciting that it’s finally our time” Jim Ondstad explained. “Part of our mission is becoming as wellknown as Miley Cyrus’ foam finger. Recently, I feel that we’ve been gaining more sweater lovers in our corner. In my opinion, this kind of parallels that time when Martin Luther King Jr. kept talking about a need for change and then everyone was like, ‘yeah, he’s really got his shit figured out’.” Excitement for sweater weather began building in late August. The first relevant tweet was recorded on August 23rd at 10:02 a.m. Tweets explaining excitement about sweater weather are expected to peak right after daylight savings time festivities. Tweets have been marked with several Emojies including, but not limited to maple leaves, pumpkins, cups of tea, and constipated smiley faces. “We like to raise awareness of sweater season, and Twitter is often a perfect platform to do so,” Willow Leyman, the president of Sweater Weather Enthusiasts (SWE) explained. “If I don’t report up to 140 characters of pure enthusiasm people will lose focus on what fall is actually about—sweaters.” Prior to “sweater weather,” a season otherwise known as “that bitch summer,” experts were unsure if this sweater season would compete with that of last season. However, as Twitter and a random call-in

psychic from Woodbury have predicted, this sweater season may be one of the biggest ever recorded. The number of sweater wearers has continually increaed alongside the number of registered hipsters. In fact, many sweater proponents also identify with the National Coalition for Hipsters (NCH). When surveyed, 86% of sweater proponents felt that the NCH was on board with their highlycoveted sweater agenda. An anonymous hipster, who doesn’t succumb to labels like their birth name, was quoted saying, “I like to go to thrift stores and find those swanky sweaters from the 90s. Sometimes I even look for stuff from the Middle Ages, chainmail doesn’t get enough cred as sweater material. I feel that these fuel my love for vintage knitting patterns, jousting, and eating rice noodles in my apartment without pants. I usually couple my sweaters with a hand-made bracelet that I bought out of the back of some guy’s van.” However, it’s not just hipsters who identify with sweater weather. White girls all over the country have been looking forward to sweater weather ever since it got too cold to guzzle Straw-berritas on a nude beach. When interviewed, 82% of white girls said they were excited for fall because of both sweater weather and pumpkin spice lattes. The number of pumpkin spice lattes sold has been proven to directly correlate with the number of Ugg boots, black leggings, and sweater ensembles sighted. Whether it’s a white girl, funky art student, or die-hard hipster sporting the sweater, sweater enthusiasts will be as plentiful as the UMPD behind McDonalds. Experts encourage all those sweater proponents to take advantage of this wonderful time filled with leaves, and warm beverages, and other fall things, you get the picture.

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The

Top

Ten

Ways to Succumb to Your Crippling College Debt By: black sheep staff

Halloween

in Dinkytown The Pinnacle of People Watching By: Alexandra Adams Dinkytown is generally full of scantily clad, exceedingly loud, occasionally drunken youth. But no night is as fun to watch as Halloween in Dinky. Here at The Black Sheep, we pulled some blankets, lawn chairs, and Irish Coffees out onto a 4th street lawn to watch things unfold. And boy, did they ever. 7:45 p.m.: Let the games begin! People are currently headed to parties because on Halloween, pregaming is in full swing from sunup to sundown. UMN kids don’t fuck around. Already we’ve observed a large gaggle of gals dressed as The Spice Girls (so obviously, freshmen) stop a group of boys dressed as One Direction (so obviously, gay) for a little Instagram moment! It was actually kind of adorable until Baby Spice threw up something bubble gum flavored all over Harry Styles. 7:46 p.m.: We almost feel bad about that vomit incident… After all, both Baby and Harry are now crying. 8:15 p.m.: It’s a little chilly out here, so we’re downing the hot beverage equivalent of Mardi Gras. Unfortunately, many of the girls we see are either too drunk or too dumb (or a combination of the two) to wear tights. The boys aren’t doing any better, as we’ve spotted at least four dudes in Speedos. Never have we seen so many erect nipples. 8:34 p.m.: A slutty nurse is already so drunk she must be given a piggyback ride by her slightly huskier, far more sober friend, slutty cop. 8:35 p.m.: Uh oh. Both slutty nurse and slutty cop have fallen on the ground. We consider helping them, but two dudes sharing a cow costume are already scooping them away to “safety.” 9 p.m.: The same cop car has been driving around our block for an hour for the minimally important purpose of “so that no one dies.” They’ve passed us so many times that we now feel obligated to smile and wave at the boys in blue. We were considering

offering some coffee, but with the copious amount of alcohol in it, we decided otherwise. 9:40 p.m.: Well now things are hopping! And no, we are not talking about those two sorority girls in lingerie and rabbit ears. Wait, did they steal that from the set of Legally Blonde? Maybe their daddies bought it for them fair and square? Regardless, the neighborhood is lighting up with party music and residual strobe flashes. 10:39 p.m.: The last hour has contained more intoxicated yells than any hour of our collective lives. Including the one of us who has seen Girl Talk. Twice. 11:55 p.m.: It’s the time of night when everyone is shuffling about to different residences. Once you know what everyone in the room is dressed as, it’s probably time to jump ship, anyway. OH MY GOD. Two dudes dressed as Rock’em Sock’em Robots just got in a real fight 20 feet away! 11:58 p.m.: Can’t help but feel betrayed when no one’s head pops off. 12:46 a.m.: You may wonder why we haven’t retreated into the warm confines of literally anywhere but this lawn and it’s because, dear reader, we know this game is far from over. In just a few short minutes, every drunk person in a two mile radius is going to run (okay, wobble) like cattle to Dinkytown’s late night food scene. 1:15 a.m.: And here they come. Hordes of the drunken undead are en route to fast food nation. We’re thanking baby Jesus that we aren’t in DrunkDonald’s right now. 2-something a.m.: Everyone is scuttling back home. But we’re pretty sure some people don’t even know where home is anymore. And… someone just vomited on our lawn. Twice. With that, we are calling it a night. This is one evening that you can’t unsee, bro.

Most of us have to face this reality: we’re going to be paying for our college debt for the rest of our lives. It’s cool, everybody does it. Nothing to be alarmed about. But you should go into this knowing that, once you pick a school, you’re just another cash cow in the herd. Perhaps it’s best to just give in and never have to worry about paying those bills. At least, that’s what we think, and so we’ve made this list for you. It’s a list that teaches you how to truly succumb to your college debt, giving you the ability to owe them money forever. 10.) Find a Nice Corner to Cry in: You’re gonna want a good, 90 degree corner if you can get it; a clean right angle. Optimal weeping location. While you bawl, it would be even better if you could surround yourself with useless college memorabilia, i.e. the ridiculous $25 hat you wore to, like, one football game, your Guy Harvey shirts, and that sweet lanyard you got as a freshman. 9.) Collect Cats: ‘Cause when you’re surrounded by cats, you’re no longer the worst thing in the room. Sure, maybe all that money you owe the institutions is bringing you down, but at least you’re not as bad as cats. That should cheer you up a bit. Remember, those cats ain’t paying the bills. No, no, no, you pay the cats. What with the housing, food, and funny mice being thrown their way, that’s money not being spent paying off your college debt! And the cats won’t ever thank you. They truly believe they are better than you. Your goal of never paying off your loans just got a little bit easier. 8.) Start a Family: Similar to #9, but instead of just dragging cats down with you into that dark, moneyless pit, you’re actually bringing along fellow human beings! Like the things with dreams and aspirations and stuff – you know, the stuff you had before college debt. We’d recommend not bringing others into this world solely so they could inherit your massive debt, but everybody has their vices. No judgment here. 7.) Burn All Your Money: Yep, never gonna pay off that college now, but we all know that wasn’t going to happen anyway. This was the best use of that money. Super cathartic. 6.) Get Addicted to Häagen-Dazs®: Ice cream is the ultimate comfort food. Fake Danish ice cream is basically rapture. Take advantage of the stupid amount of money you don’t have and plunge yourself further into debt. Buy some ice cream and get gorging. You’ll simultaneously feel like absolute garbage and the idea of hedonism condensed into a human shape. 5.) Acquire a Taste for Simple Plan: An anthemic rendition of “I’m just a kid, I know that it’s not fair!” will do wonders for you. And then remind you of the unfeeling, remorseless environment that is the world. Thanks, Pierre. 4.) Embrace Nihilism: Nihilism, the philosophy that defined a generation, is going to help you through these trying times. Well, not really. Nihilism does a very good job of just letting you ignore certain responsibilities. Say someone confronted you for not paying back your loans. You could just retort that the morality attached with paying certain dues is a futile construct of man’s inherent greed. Duh. This wouldn’t do anything about the debt, but you’d be that much crazier. 3.) Tell Everyone You Know that College Is for Suckers: Like in those cigarette ads. “Don’t make the same mistakes I did, kid,” you’d say. “School ruined me for the rest of my life. Stick to your music career.” 2.) Apply for Grad School: Well, now you’ve gone and done it. Way to get yourself back into the loop. At this point, the college has really won. You can just imagine them wringing their hands together, like flies around a money carcass. The flow of revenue you’d be providing them will be stupendous. 1.) Sleep: Forever. Sleep doesn’t judge you. Sleep is your friend. If you sleep enough, perhaps the debt will go away. Yeah. Yeah, maybe. But no. No way it’s that easy. And you’re in for a rude awakening.

05


Around campus send us your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

on the Streets If you could go back in time to exactly 1 year ago today and tell yourself something, what would it be?

ior J o rd a n , S e n

“Don’t date him. He won’t appreciate your love for guinea pigs.”

Tom, Senior

“Start planning your Halloween costume earlier.”

r Josh, Junio

“Bring Tupperware to Costco to save all the samples.”

06


m.a.s.h. Best Man: - Louis C.K. - Tim Meadows - Andy Samberg - Nick Offerman Pulls a Prank by… - Making out with the bride. - Putting ecstasy in the punch. - Releasing 50 kittens onto the dance floor. - Throwing the cake out of the window.

Let us

predict

Signature Entree: - Chicken a la king - 7-layer salad - Tuna noodle casserole - Eggplant parmesan

your future

With a Side of… - Dirt dessert - Tequila sunrises - Vegan cornbread - Xanax

Maid of Honor: - Aubrey Plaza - Ellen DeGeneres - Kristen Wiig - Fran Drescher

Cheesy Cover Band: - Dread Zeppelin - Mandonna - Nudist Priest - AC/Dshe

Highlight of her speech is… - Your threesome with a hooker. - Getting tattoos last night. - Doing coke with Bill Clinton. - Streaking in the cafeteria junior year.

Performing your first dance… - “Whatta Man” - “Frosty the Snowman” - “I Am The Walrus” - “C.R.E.A.M.”

How to Play: Doodle some lines on the page until someone, or your brain, tells you to stop. Take the number of lines and go down the list, and cross off every time you get to your number. Where there is one left in each catetory, that is your future. Yeah, you remember this from elementary school - don’t pretend like you don’t.

m o c . e n i l n O p e e h S k c a l B e GAMES G Th IN K IN R PECIALS | D | BAR S ARTICLES


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The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT

THE GOOSE IS LOOSE ALL NOVEMBER LONG! $1 OFF GREY GOOSE DRINKS $4 14OZ GOOSE ISLAND 312 $5 20OZ GOOSE ISLAND 312

SATURDAY: MONDAY: 9pm - Close: $3 Domestic Bottles 9pm - Close: $3 Domestic Bottles 9pm - Midnight: 9pm - Midnight: $3 You-Call-It Shots $3 You-Call-It Shots $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am

Thursday 10/31

COLLEGE THURSDAYS 8pm - Close: All you care to drink! $6 Bottomless Domestic Beer, $10 Bottomless Rails and Domestic Beers $1 Orange bombs, $3 Jack and Soco

9pm - Close: $3 Coors Light, $3 Long Islands, $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am

Karaoke Thursdays! $2 You Call It Drinks and $3 Shots from 10-close.

Friday 11/1

8pm - Close: $4 3 Olives vodka $5 3 Olives Flavored long islands $2 Mini Bombs (jager, cherry, orange)

8pm - Close: $3 Mich. Golden Light Pints $3 Rails, Live Music 10pm - Close $3 Grape Apes, $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am

$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close

Saturday 11/2

8pm - Close: $4 Bacardi Drinks $2 Mini Bombs (jager, cherry, orange)

9pm - Close: $3 Domestic Bottles 9pm - Midnight: $3 You-Call-It Shots $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am

$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close

Sunday 11/3

Closed on Sundays

10am - 2pm: $5 Stack of Pancakes, $4 Bloody Mary’s Screwdrivers 6pm - 11pm: All burgers $6.99 8 - 11pm: Buy any app or dessert get a free pitcher of domestic or lite beer 8-close: $3 Domestic Bottles and $2.50 Rail Drinks

Sunday Funday! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 4pm - Close

Monday 11/4

Mason Jar Monday 8pm-close: $3 Double Jack, Soco, or Rails, and Bud and Bud Light Taps $5.00 Bud and Bud Light Pitchers $10.00 Bud and Bud Light Towers

8pm - Close: $3 Coors Mugs $5 Jameson Gingers All Day Pizza for Pennies! Buy any large pizza and get the 2nd pizza for $0.99

Flippin' Drinks! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 9pm - Close

Tuesday 11/5

8pm-close: $3 U Call Its Rails, Calls,and Every Beer on Tap (items subject to tax)

8pm - Midnight: Shamrock Burgers 8pm - close: $5 Domestic Lite Pitchers, $5 Margaritas, $3 Tequila Shots

Birthday Karaoke Night! Bring in 5 Friends 21+ & The Birthday Person Drinks for Free! (excludes shots & top shelf) $3 Tier 1 Mugs, $4 Tier 2 Mugs $3 Long Island Pints

Wednesday 11/6

8pm - Close: $0.25 Wings w/ College or Military ID $0.50 wings w/ out ID or Wristband $8 AYCD: Rails, Miller Lite Tap, Bacardi Oakheart $1.50 High life tall boys

8pm - close: $5 for one pound of boneless wings, $2 for 1’s

Wings N Things $0.39 Wings: 4pm - 10pm 2-4-1 Drinks (9-Close)


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The Bar Grid EVERYDAY: Happy Hour 3-6PM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps

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FOAM PARTY SUNDAY!

SATURDAY: $3 Wells & Domestic Bottles (7pm-10pm)

SPECIAL NIGHT

1/2 Price Bottles of Wine Starting at 5pm Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps

Military ID Night: Show your military ID for free cover

Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Rail & Domestic Beer $1 Happy Hour: 8am - 2am Drag Show: 10pm - 1am

No Cover! $3 Cruzan Run $3 Budweiser Products, $3 Cruzan Rum and Svedka $6 Dozen Wings (7pm-Midnight)

Thursday 10/31

Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close

Twin Cities Hottest Male and Female Go Go Dancers! Happy Hour: 8am - 2am La Femme: 8pm - 1am Dance Annex: 9pm - 2am

$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles (7pm-10pm)

Friday 11/1

Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close

Come in for Dinner! All Six Bars are Open!

$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles (7pm-10pm)

Saturday 11/2

Service Industry Night! Show pay-stub from your bar or club and get free cover!

FOAM PARTY SUNDAY! Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Day!

No Cover! Inventory Reduction Sunday (IRS) $3 Specials that change every Sunday from 7pm-Close $4 Miller Lite Tall Boys during every Minnesota Pro Baseball game

Sunday 11/3

Happy Hour 3-6PM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps $10 Bottomless Bloody Marys & Screwdrivers 10am-Midnight Happy Hour 3-6PM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps $10 Bottomless Bloody Marys & Screwdrivers 10am-Midnight Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-1AM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps $2 Sloppy Jacks All Day Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps Taco Tuesdays 5pm-10pm Root City Trio at 9:30pm Happy Hour 3-6PM, 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps

Come experience the 90s in it’s full glory with 6 bars and 3 live DJs

College ID Night! Free cover with any College ID - old or new! Free buffet starts at halftime of Monday Night Football!

NO COVER! 2-4-1 Drinks (rail & domestic beer) from 9pm to 1am Happy Hour: 8am - 2am Karaoke: 10pm - 2am

NO COVER! Happy Hour Drinks: 3:30pm-Close $3 Domestic Bottles, $3 Rail Drinks, $4 Specialty Bottles, $4 Call Drinks, $5 Top Shelf Drinks $0.35 Wings 8pm-11pm (Dine in only)

Monday 11/4

Ladies Night! Free cover for all ladies Men: Wear any Deja vu or Hustler apparel and get in free!

18+ $2 Tuesdays (domestic beer, well drinks) from 8am to close $2 drink specials cover after 9pm Drag Queen Bingo: 8pm - 10pm Diamond Diva Drag Show: 10pm - 2am

No Cover! Karaoke: 9pm-Close, Beer Pong $3 Budweiser Products and Well Drinks $3 Heineken, Heineken Light, Amstel Light & Dos Equis Bottles 7pm-midnight $5 Mini Burger Platter (7pm-11pm)

Tuesday 11/5

18+ (21+ no cover, 18-20 $5 cover) $3 Domestic Beers and Rail Drinks, $3.75 Heineken Amateur Drag Show and Trans Exotica Come in for Dinner!

No Cover! Kill The Keg: $5 Bottomless Miller High Life Taps $3 Miller Lite Bottles, $3 Vodka, $3 Captain $5 Pizzas 8pm-Midnight

Wednesday 11/6

Amateur Night: Watch your sexy $2 Half Pound Burgers 5-10pm coeds on stage for the first time Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-12AM: compete for $200! $2 Select Beers & Drinks Contest Starts at 11:30pm 1/2 Price Select Apps Open to all Ladies


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United States has Garage Sale “Buy our crap,” says Obama By: black sheep staff

Once again the United States has avoided complete chaos and anarchy by signing into effect a plan to raise the debt ceiling. But with only a few months until we reach the ceiling again, how will the president and Congress raise enough money to help relieve the national debt and boost our economy? There have been many options so far, including globally selling pot and minting a trillion dollar coin, but none of these plans have been even remotely as successful as what the government plans to do over the next few weekends. From 6 a.m. to 2 p.m. on Saturday November 2nd: A United States Garage Sale. Both the House and Senate agree that there’s just too much shit lying around collecting dust in storage facilities around the nation. Here are just a few of the items that are going to be up for sale: One partially used Arch of the Covenant, two hundred ET Super Nintendo cartridges, over 30 models of tanks, John Boehner’s “legendary” box of pornography, nine autographed Obama basketball cards from college, a connect the dots book partially completed by President George W. Bush, and three plungers used by James Garfield. There will also be a special pre-sale for the 1% of Americans who actually have money to spend on November 2nd, where these big spenders will have first dibs on special items, such as a recovered spacecraft from Roswell (one of three), a signed copy of The Louisiana Purchase, one of Bill Clinton’s saxophones, Davy Crocket’s hat, the title to Detroit, and a complete replica of the space station bathrooms. But what could possibly be better than a national garage sale? Raffle drawings will be carried throughout various weekends where you can buy a one thousand dollar ticket for your chances to

win any of the following: Hilary Clinton’s golf clubs, Sarah Palin’s wolf-killing helicopter, Dick Cheney’s shotgun, John F. Kennedy’s (somewhat sticky) copy of the Marilyn Monroe Playboy, and much more. There will also be a million dollar ticket drawing, in which prizes include: your name on the Statue of Liberty, your face on Mt. Rushmore, your very own Oregon, six tickets to watch the Super Bowl from the Moon, President Andrew “Stoned Wall” Jackson’s private bong collection, and a chance to star in the next Star Wars movie. Those who make purchases of one thousand dollars will also receive a free five hundred dollar deficit bond with a framed, autographed picture of Oprah. There will also be a children’s carnival behind the White House next to the Federal Beer Garden. All purchases will be final, with the exception of nuclear-based arms, which can be returned in thirty days if the product has a factory default. Joe Biden will also have a lemonade stand set up at the front gates, where you can choose from a selection of powdered pink and regular Country Time Lemonade. Congress has set a goal of raising thirty gillion dollars, but will settle for one trillion. If the goal is not reached, Congress plans to put up more signs in hopes that more people will show up for the great deals before the holiday season. President Barack Obama has made the comment that “Finally, millions of Americans can help get their country out of debt by giving money for their beloved politicians’ old crap. Of course, all the proceeds will be going to things we said we would provide with taxes.” The official start date of this sale will be released on the ObamaCare website, once it works.


Are You Smarter

than?

1) Geography: The Finger Lakes are found in what state? 2) Math: How many degrees are contained in a triangle? 3) Pop Culture: Kim Kardashian and Kanye West recently became engaged in this city. 4) Botany: Trees that lose their leaves seasonally are this. 5) Comedy: George Carlin had a famous bit, “7 dirty words you can’t say on television,” name 4 of them.

Will from Burrito Loco

Drinking Game

6) Technology: Which two social media apps can be found in the iTunes’ top 10 chart? 7) Outer Space: In astronomy, NEO stands for this, something which presents danger to our livelihood. 8) Art: Water Lilies is a series of paintings featuring, well, water lilies by this French impressionist. 9) Food: Ghee is a clarified type of what? 10) US History: What President of the United States signed Alaska into Statehood?

Will’s Answers

Correct Answers

1) Michigan 2) 180 3) Los Angeles 4) Deciduous 5) Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, tits, cocksucker, motherfucker 6) Twitter, Facebook 7) Andy 8) Patrick 9) Jell-O 10) Franklin D. Roosevelt

1) New York 2) 180 3) San Francisco 4) Deciduous 5) Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, tits, cocksucker, motherfucker 6) Facebook, Instagram 7) Near Earth Object 8) Claude Monet 9) Butter 10) Dwight D. Eisenhower

Will’s Score: 3.5 out of 10

Recipe for disaster

Pigskins and Puke

Day of the Dead Deep Fry

With football in full swing, everyone’s weekends are filled with television and cases of Bud Light. Sometimes sitting on your ass all day can get a little boring, so here’s a game to play while watching your team of choice with your buddies.

Even if your trick-or-treating days are over, you’re still bound to stock up on candy on Halloween. After a few days of gorging on the sweet stuff, even the comfort of a Snickers bar becomes mediocre. Here’s a way to add a unique crunch to your Halloween candy.

What You’ll Need: A table, a piece of paper, 20 red cups, 4 pencils, paper and pen to keep score, and some beers (duh). Number of Players: Teams of two, and any hot female friends you have to be cheerleaders. Level of Intoxication: Men don’t puke from a few beers, jeeze.

What You’ll Need: A variety of fun-size candy bars, 1 egg, 1 cup of milk, 1 tablespoon of canola oil, 1 cup flour, 1 teaspoon baking powder, and 4 cups of bubbling oil for deep fried goodness. Cook Time: 15 minutes Fatty Factor: Your time at the gym this semester will be wasted on just one of these.

How to Play: - Two teams stand at opposite ends of the table, with your partner at your side. - Each team takes 10 cups and sets them up like a normal pong game. - Fold the piece of paper into a football like you always did every day in middle school. - One team starts by flicking the football at the cups at the other end of the table. The goal is to either land the football inside the cup or knock one off the table. Once this happens, that team is awarded 6 points. - After a touchdown is scored, the opponents lay down two pencils on the table as goalposts. They can be as close or as far apart as they want (minimum 2 inches apart to be fair). The scoring team has one chance to flick their football to land between the pencils. If they can do so, they earn another point. - The team who was just scored on now has to drink. If the extra point was missed, drink for 6 seconds. If the extra point was made, finish your beer. - Keep playing until all the cups on both sides are gone, removing cups pong-style after someone makes a cup or knocks it off the table.

Let’s Get Baked: - Freeze your candy bars for a few hours. - Combine the egg, milk and canola oil in a bowl. - In another bowl, combine flour and baking powder. - Pour the wet ingredients into the dry and whisk. Cover and refrigerate for a few minutes. - Heat the 4 cups of oil to 375 degrees in a deep, heavy pot. - Dip the frozen candy bars into the batter then carefully place into the oil. - Cook until golden brown, drain on paper towels and let cool a little bit before stuffing your face.

The Game Ends When: All the cups are gone! Add up the points to see who wins.

download our free app for all the games!

Don’t just stop at candy either. Try Oreos, Twinkies, steaks, leftover pizza. Anything you have.

nomnomnomnom theblacksheeponline.com 11


The Black Sheep’s Guide to the 2014

it

Yo H h e er a u e rd

fi rs t!

TOURNAMENT Whew! What a season it’s been! It seemed like just yesterday we were tipping off the 2013-2014 NCAA Men’s Basketball season with a November 8th slate that saw 138 games pitting the nation’s finest young men against each other. The first night’s go-round immediately became the stuff of legend. How could we forget (insert name)’s stellar performance in an unexpected victory over (insert Nov. 8th upset)? Ah, but that was just the first iconic moment in a season that’ll go down in history as one of college basketball’s best ever. And while those early-season games count, it’s important to look at the recently-ended conference tournaments when filling out your brackets in time for March 18th tip-off in bucolic Dayton, Ohio. Heading into the season sports pundits nationwide considered Michigan State the cream of the Big Ten crop, but with their narrow (win/loss) to cellar dweller (Big Ten school) last Sunday in Indianapolis, is this team coming into the Big Dance as frigid as Michigan’s recently-turned winter, or as hot as (female celebrity)’s latest antics?

By :B & r qu e n inn d a n

We say it’s safe to plug Michigan State into your elite eight, but be careful, because if things break like The Black Sheep thinks they will, they’ll be facing a hot (mid-major) team that’s been able to smell the blood in the water for these past three months. Now, we’re not saying we see (mid-major) taking down a wellequipped Spartans squad, but if (mid-major) can put up a gutsy fight midway through the second half, (small school)’s shocking upset of (top-5 team) earlier this year shows just about anything can happen in the waning seconds of a college basketball game. But with Michigan State stronger than it’s been in years, the rest of the Big Ten took a step back this year, with only (number) teams ranked in the national top 25 by season’s end. That’s why we turn to Kentucky, Kansas and surprise top-10 team Kansas State when looking at this year’s true title contenders. The KKK Klan, as The Black Sheep has begun calling them, has taken the nation by storm in different ways. John Calipari’s Wildcat krew has white washed opponents’ defense with a fast-paced offense run through (Kentucky player), while Bill Self’s Kansas squad has rallied around (Kansas player’s) season-ending (body part) injury, rattling off (number) straight wins after his year came to a close as he was carted off during the (date) game against (opponent). Yes, these teams have proven they were on a whole ‘nother level — as if they were a superior group of humans out there on the court, forcing the other players into submission.


The Black Sheep predicts the

The real surprise of the season, of course, was Bruce Weber’s Kansas State squad. Unranked at the beginning of the year, these KSU Wildcats have built a reputation as one of the nation’s nastiest teams, starting with their early-season dismantling of (ranked team) in front of a national audience. Sure, (date) and (date) missteps against soft teams (soft team) and (soft team), respectively, leave room for doubt, but no one in Manhattan, Kansas is doubting this squad. Have no hesitation when penciling them in to your sweet sixteen. And though there are clear lottery picks on stacked big-conference teams, how could we leave out the stellar performances put on by (Pacific northwest school)’s scrappy, three-point gunning, defense-savvy point guard, (name)? This (Canadian city)-born tiny tyrant’s scrappy skill set may inevitably fizzle out in the NBA, but don’t think for a second his high basketball IQ, unmatched hustle, and all-American smile won’t gutsy his team to the third weekend of the tournament. He’s dragged his team this far on sheer willpower, and there’s no reason to think he can’t do it again. While Virginia Commonwealth University has been the nation’s darling for the past several seasons, the midseason brawl between coach Shaka Smart and broadcaster (name) that left the booth man hospitalized and the coach suspended indefinitely will surely hurt the Rams’ chances at postseason success. While college basketball fans are divided as to who to blame for the fight, we’ll never forget Coach Smart’s postfight speech in which he called (name) a “money grubbing, walking penis who knows nothing about basketball.” Barring reinstatement by the university, consider VCU a one-and-done. Of course, we’d be remiss not to mention the (date) tragedy that saw a hot (school) team lose its entire squad and coaching staff in a horrific plane crash just outside of the Charlotte Douglas International Airport. The nation watched as (team)’s plane slam dunked onto the runway instead of on the court. Just when they were playing their best basketball, too. A wracked fanbase and devastated families will never know what kind of high-flying hoopin’ the nation missed out on. National Championship chances don’t come around every day, and you’d hate to miss out on one due to something like this. The Black Sheep will be the first to tell you that a lot can change between Tournament tip-off and the National Championship trophy hoisted high by one team on April 7th in Arlington, Texas. Just know it’s going to be crazy, and you heard it here first.

2014 NCAA All Americans:

First Team: G: Last Name, First (School) G: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School)-Deceased F: Last Name, First (School)

Second Team: G: Last Name, First (School) G: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School)

Third Team: G: Last Name, First (School) G: Last Name, First (School)-Deceased F: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School)


guess the logo

Do you know the brands that all these labels represent? Send us your answers to backpage@theblacksheeponline.com and if youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re right, youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll win a sweet prize!


crossword

Famous Daves ACROSS 3) Glam rock icon. 4) A book by Charles Dickens, also a sweet magician. 5) Guitarist for Jane’s Addiction and Chili Peppers. 6) Posh Spice’s husband 8) Late-night legend 9) The real person behind Tyrone Biggums 12) Popular techno DJ, who’s real name is Pierre. 13) Founder of Foo Fighters, two words. 14) The Dave in Lady Antebellum 17) He was Under The Table and Dreaming in 1994, two words. 18) David Sedaris’ essay, The what Diaries? Down 1) Author of Infinite Jest, two words. 2) David is the less famous brother of which famous Franco? 4) This Dave was Uncle Joey on Full House 7) Dave Mustaine is the lead singer behind which heavy metal band? 10) This U2 memeber’s real name is David Howell Evans. 11) This David’s TV show is Curb Your what? 15) Dave Thomas founded which fast-food chain? 16) 70s teen heartthrob

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Minnesota - Issue 9 -10/31/2013