Page 1

The Black Sheep


Vol. 6, Issue 6


2/27/14 - 3/5/14

25% OF STUDENTS READING SATIRICAL PAPER TAKE IT SERIOUSLY DAVID ZIRINSKY WROTE THIS “The problem with satire is that everyone takes you seriously. I said, ‘yeah guys let’s surrender to the Germans,’ and next thing I know people are laying down their arms. The next day the Nazis are marching in Paris.” – Charles de Gaulle Biology society and environment sophomore Alex Johnston was ecstatic after leaving his Thursday afternoon lecture. He just couldn’t wait to tell his friends the news. Running home, he burst through the door and shouted, “Can you believe this!? The Jamaican Bobsled Team won gold at the Olympics, this is unbelievable!” Sadly, his friends didn’t have the heart to tell him he was duped. “It was pretty funny to see how Alex was believing anything he saw in black and white. We couldn’t tell him he was reading a satirical paper,” Alex’s roommate Adam later told The Black Sheep. “Come on, we all know that Alex isn’t what you’d call the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, so it was funny to let him run with it.” However, what would normally be a practical joke for Adam soon went down a slippery slope. “We started feeding Alex made-up news stories from the least credible internet sources imaginable, and this kid just ate it up.” Adam continued. “Like, we put an article on the fridge titled ‘Cops to search 412 Apartments With Drug Dogs,’ and Alex immediately flushed his pot down the toilet.” Unbeknownst to Alex and his roommates, this trend is nothing new. Anthropology professor Jordan Nelson from the University of Minnesota said, “From the first radio broadcast of War of the Worlds to all the Facebook articles about Obama being a terrorist, people can be real dumbasses sometimes.” One satirical writer was able to tell The Black Sheep his dirty secret.  “As a satirical writer I’m always asked ‘how do you quote President Kaler?’” local satire writer David Notzirinsky explained. “Sadly they don’t realize you can put quotes around anything and say someone said it. Surprisingly, you can lie on paper the same way you lie to your girlfriend about not sleeping around.” While 25% of people reading a satirical piece will not pick up on hyperbole, modern science is trying to address this problem. Satire expert Bob Larson said, “Oftentimes people don’t get that satire isn’t real. Hell I’m sure someone ate a baby after Jonathan Swift wrote A Modest Proposal.” “I’ve developed a bullshit radar for readers,” computer science Senior

Louie Treml said. “This amazing program will sense when bullshit levels exceed the normal Fox News levels and get to National Enquirer levels, or even The Onion levels.” While Louie hopes to bring this to market soon, the advanced technology found within it means the device is potentially years away from being available to the general public. “This product just can’t come soon enough for the masses. Lately we’ve seen that the general population can’t think for themselves,” political science professor Brandon Summers said. He seemed very concerned with

an alarming statistic adding, “I read just the other day that 5/4 Americans have trouble with fractions.” “I think the saddest part about people believing anything in black and white is that I invented a country called ‘Hottadogstand’ in the Middle East. I then proceeded to write a political science paper about their oppression of women and free speech and my professor wanted to publish my work,” an anonymous student said to avoid exposing academic dishonesty. “I just did it as a joke and she believed it even after making exorbitant claims.”










Keep Up With Us! @BlackSheep_UMN •


Meet the Staff <<

CAMPUS MANAGER Alexandra Adams



OWNER Atish Doshi

WRITERS Alexandra Adams, Megan Felz Cora Neisen, David Zirinsky Mathew Kennedy

FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers


OWNED & OPERATED BY: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Avenue Suite 1, Chicago, Illinois 60622 Contact Corporate: 217.390-1747 For Advertising: 608.712.0900

DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking.


This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication.


Please drink...responsibly and legally.

Follow us! @BLACKSHEEP_UMN • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM Brand New, Luxury, Furnished, 10-Unit Apt. Building! Brand New, Luxury, Furnished, 56-Unit Apartments! City Views, Fireplaces, Walk-in Closets, Flat Screen TV’s, Large Balconies, Furnished Open Layout Floor Plan, Stainless Steel Appliances, Granite Countertops, In-Unit Washer & Dryer, Underground Assigned Parking! • 711 4th St SE • 612-379-1050


City Views, Walk-in Closets, Flat Screen TV’s, Furnished Open Floor Plan, Stainless Steel Appliances, Granite Countertops, In-Unit Washer & Dryer, Covered Assigned Parking! Dinkytown • 525 10th Ave SE • 612.843.4888








Acting overtly religious when beneficial, only to revert to a traditional college lifestyle otherwise. Nathan would dutifully attend confession with his parents when home for the holidays, but being eventgelical, he’d confess to all the sorority girls he’d slept with while insanely drunk.











College changes people, there’s no avoiding that fact. Sometimes, though, it’s something else that changes us. For freshman Matthew Grey, it was the hit television drama Breaking Bad. Not all change is good, however. Grey was recently arrested after being caught peddling crystal meth behind Coffman. “I started watching Breaking Bad over winter break,” Grey said in an interview permitted by University of Minnesota Campus Police, “I really got into it. I started relating to the characters. I also got an idea: I need money, and the people on the show make fat stacks. It all made sense.” “I decided that I needed to start making meth,” Grey said. “So, I watched some YouTube videos about making it, stole my parents’ money and bought the supplies, and started to cook in my dorm room. My roommate was cool with it, as long as I gave him a cut of the dough.” Grey’s roommate, John Herman, commented on Grey’s meth business: “I don’t know if you can call it an empire.,

Herman noted. “To be completely honest, he doesn’t know what he’s doing. He keeps saying things like ‘we need to cook’ and ‘stay out of my territory,’ but he has, like, no business acumen.” Besides quoting the show constantly, Grey also shaved his head and began growing a feeble goatee.

“TO BE COMPLETELY HONEST, HE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT HE’S DOING.” “He just wants to be in Breaking Bad,” Herman mentioned, “and it’s just really annoying. People can’t knock on the door anymore without him yelling “I am the one who knocks!” Grey’s operation was recently busted by a CA during his second cook. After the

CAs reported an acrid smell he knocked on the door, only to hear Grey hurriedly say, “Quick, hide the meth!” After that, Grey’s business was busted. “To be completely honest, I don’t think I’ve seen a worse meth cook,” said Officer Carl Densley. Densley was called to the scene to give Grey a ride to the police station. “The kid had a markerboard on his door that read ’Definitely not cooking meth in here.’ That’s just amateur hour, really.” The aspiring meth magnate planned on shipping the small amount of meth across campus. Grey, who calls his business “Fixing Good,” still seems shocked about being caught. “Come on. ‘Fixing Good’! It’s the exact opposite of Breaking Bad. How could anyone have seen that coming?” Grey seemed unfazed about the legal trouble that he is preparing to face. “That’s what this is about, I guess. You got to risk it to get the biscuit,” Grey pondered, “Sure, I got caught and I’m

facing ten years in jail, but that’s just part of the business. It’s just something I’ll learn from and take into consideration in my future cooks.” After they collected the earnings, the CAs estimated that Grey’s business raked in $62.31; not nearly enough for someone who claims to run a meth “empire.” “My last name is a color, so is Walter White’s. You can’t tell me that this isn’t meant to be.”

When asked if he was just really into the show and a bit obsessed, Grey scoffed. “I’m pretty sure I’m not obsessed. I think I would know if I was obsessed, bitch.” While his days of cooking meth may have come to a halt for now, only time will tell if he is able to one day run a meth empire. But, it seems as if Grey’s new interest in The Walking Dead has sparked new motivation in him, as he has been seen spending long amounts of times talking about nothing and shooting people at the Zombie Walk.

LOOKING FOR AN INTERNSHIP? Marketing, Ad Sales, Writing, and more! Get experience doing something YOU LOVE!








Ah, friendship. It’s about finding similar humans to fill the void in your tiny pitch-black heart, partially so you have someone to go to Spring Jam with, but mostly about pissing each other off for sport. And since you’re around your best bud always, why not ruin their chances for the most important part of college: getting laid.

The Chronicles of the Weekend Connector THE MASKED RIDER WROTE THIS Well folks, the university has finally provided a weekend Campus Connector that runs from Dinkytown to the Superblock to Seven Corners. It’s a drunk bus, AKA party bus. Running until 2 a.m., this bus is sure to attract every godforsaken drunk, baked, sloshed, toked, high, and wasted kid in a two-mile radius. While the Gopher Chauffeur is home to some of the most classic party stories, the Weekend Connector will surely not disappoint those who want to just settle into those scratchy seats with a bag of popcorn to feel good about themselves. Seeing an opportunity for quality journalism, The Black Sheep decided to ride the Weekend Connector for a night with our good friend, the driver, Herb. 10:00 p.m.: Our night begins as we climb the slushy stairs of the connector at the Territorial Hall stop, the bus already having a faint smell of rum and vomit. 10:02 p.m.: A group of suspected frat boys clamber aboard. While their Greek affiliation was never confirmed, they were dressed as if they were going to a Ralph Lauren-themed luncheon, so we made an educated guess. 10:04 p.m.:They begin discussing how much the Carlson curve messed with their grades last semester, and our hypothesis was further supported. 10:25 p.m.: Several girls wearing nothing but pillowcases stagger up the stairs. They mutter something about going to a toga party but being unable to tie a toga. When asked about their lack of coats they explain that “There’s no better coat than the liquid blanket that comes with Svedy!” 10:44 p.m.: We cross the Tenth Avenue Bridge and the lure of the Dinkytown party scene shitshow is ever-strengthened for the frat boys and pillowcaseclad girls. They exit and stumble away into the darkness. 10:57 p.m.: Feelings of disappointment wash over us as we realize our night is lacking any real excitement. 10:58 p.m.: Our previous feelings quickly evaporate as a guy wearing—we kid you not—wooden clogs and carrying a goat scrambles aboard. 10:59 p.m.: We fire several questions at him but all he gives us in return is a vague story about being on

the St. Paul campus and finding a goat. He finishes his monologue with, “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Take it easy, bro. Come on man, chill out. Tonight’s been so crazy, dude. I was over at the St. Paul campus visiting my buddy and this goat or whatever just needed a place to stay so I took him in. They could, like, do a story about me on Animal Planet, dude.” 11:16 p.m.: The (presumably stoned) guy is spotted eating stale Goldfish from the floor, a granola bar found in between two seats, and fruit snacks hardened to the window. Meanwhile, the goat is sighted eating one of the chairs. 11:24 p.m.: As the Weekend Connector continues its loop, one of the previously-departed toga girls is being carried onto the bus by two of her friends while she wails her original song “Berof He Cheatsss” in what is now only a few scraps of fabric barely strung together. 11:46 p.m.: The original singer/songwriter starts uncontrollably bawling and her friends console her by telling her, “Babe, it’s not your fault Thomas dumped you, it’s Betsy’s fault for showing up naked at his house on Valentine’s Day.” 12:02 a.m.: The toga team arrives at the Jones-Eddy Circle, but the singer/songwriter refuses to get off of the bus, claiming that Herb, the bus driver, is her soul mate. After bribing her with Mesa pizza, she finally staggers off now singing a new song “Yerrr Beaufitul.”

10.) Mess with the hair products: Is he a gel guy? Does she require detangler for those lovely locks? If so, brainstorm what horrible product you could replace it with. Just imagine applying your jar of pomade only to discover you’ve just put mayonnaise all up in your ‘do. Don’t worry though. It will still freeze in the frigid, Hoth-like Minnesota air. 9.) Spike his drinks throughout the day: So you and your friend are chilling, gaming, and avoiding homework as he waits for tonight’s date. Since some Mountain Dew is involved, take it upon yourself to “enhance” it with vodka. 8.) Pirate his Facebook or Twitter: Nothing says “don’t have sex with me” like a million context-free posts about Justin Bieber or a rant about the Walker’s Spoonbridge and Cherry. Plus, you still remember his phone password from that drunken evening where you had to take that Snapchat of him pretending to ride a dog in front of DrunkDonald’s. 7.) Cut a hole in his pants: While he’s distracted, help yourself to a pair of scissors and sneak a little snip to the rear of his trousers. Don’t cut enough to cause a draft though; you definitely don’t want him notice before his date does. 6.) Recommend the crappiest restaurant: Remember when you found a foot-long hair in your soup and saw a cockroach scamper by in that pho place in Dinkytown? Good, because that’s what you should recommend to your best buddy for his evening of romance. 5.) Take all payment methods from his wallet: Go ahead and take all the cash and cards from your friend. Odds are, he will check to make sure he remembered his wallet, but not that its contents are the same. This will result in him having to wash some dishes that night, and that’s not a euphemism for sex. 4.) Replace all his condoms with weird flavored ones: If he’s thinking he’s going to get lucky, he’ll probably have a stash in his wallet or room. Either way, you can mess with his mind by putting blueberry and grape-flavored rubbers in place of the normal ones. 3.) Add MiraLAX to lunch: If you’re having a midday meal, maybe some Mesa Pizza or some Panda Express in Coffman, be sure to sprinkle a healthy dose of powdered laxative on his lunch. You will no doubt have achieved master pranker status when he spends all of dinner running to the john. 2.) Plan weird gestures for the date: In the event that your friend is getting picked up, prepare weird, embarrassing gestures for when your buddy opens the door. If he’s smiling and facing forward, this is your chance to make faces and gestures at his date. We recommend the “sex” hand gesture/raising of the eyebrows combination. 1.)Steal his phone and hide it: Just stick his phone in the refrigerator. The phone is pretty much required when planning an evening out, so your friend will no doubt be going crazy whilst ripping the house apart in search for something you have very slyly stuck in the crisper drawer.

12:34 a.m.: A guy climbs the stairs, exclaims, “Wait this isn’t Blarney’s…?!” He turns around and walks away. 1:01 a.m.: The flocks of drunken children really start to pour in and one of our investigative reporters gets a lap dance from a guy with dreadlocks and a shirt with a wiener dog on the front that says “Have you seen my wiener?” 1:16 a.m.: The bus stops at the Superblock. We pack up our things and climb off, along with the two groups of 18 freshmen. 1:17 a.m.: We wave goodbye to Herb and watch the bus drive out of sight. The last glimpse we get is a guy vomiting into a traffic cone in the back of the bus. Ah, college.




“‘Shock the World’, and it means expect the unexpected.”

Kurt, Freshman

“I enjoy saying ‘sike.’ It’s a great way to lead people on and completely shut them down.”

Alex, Freshman

“‘Don’t go off half-cocked.’ It means you best be packing.”


Old Woman Finally Remembers the Name of That Guy From That Thing

MONSTER UNDERNEATH BED WISHES YOU WOULD WARN HIM BEFORE BRINGING OVER GUESTS Life as a monster under the bed is rough, especially with a rude roommate. Brawknor is an 8-foot tall demonic reptilian monster who hides underneath slumbering rich kids who don’t have any real things to be afraid of. His latest victim is Terry Dawkins, a sociology major with bad manners but a sick Maserati Ghibli. Whenever Terry happens to bring home a female acquaintance, he totally forgets to give Brawknor a fair warning.

Last week, 72-year-old Doris Etheridge was having trouble recalling a name while in a conversation with her grandson Nicholas. Things escalated quickly after Nicholas tried in vain to brush it off, saying that it wasn’t important, and she could just continue with her story. Mrs. Etheridge was having none of it. This was already the third time that day she’d forgotten a name, which totally threw off the flow of her storytelling. Nicholas tried everything he could think of to jog his grandma’s memory, but nothing was working. “She just

kept saying ‘he was that guy from that thing,’” said Nicholas. “I asked her to describe what he looked like. Is he a musician? Politician? A friend of yours? Do you know anything about this guy that could help us figure out his name?” Just as Nicholas had given up hope, Doris Etheridge focused harder than ever before, reaching into the deepest recesses of her mind to retrieve the precious name. “Dan Aykroyd!” shouted Doris. “That’s the guy!” She and Nicholas yelped with joy. They had just accomplished the impossible,

and celebrations were in order. After another short 45-minute conversation, they figured out that the thing Doris knew Dan Aykroyd from was his classic film, Ghostbusters II. Doris and Nicholas shared a laugh, knowing they had been through an experience so extraordinary, that their lives would never be the same. Nicholas told his grandmother how much he loved her, and Doris had to hold back her tears. She took a long moment, composed herself, and said, “That’s right, it was Dan Aykroyd. Now, where was I?”

“So, it’s like, 3 a.m., and I’m fast asleep. You know, like everyone else,” said Brawknor. “I’m happily dreaming about haunting a little kid who just watched The Conjuring and then out of nowhere, I hear the bed squeaking. Right on top of me! Can you believe that?! I know Terry knows I’m there. I scare the shit out of him regularly. You don’t just forget about the undead creature whose presence causes panic attacks. Even I warn people before I just barge into their rooms. I use my

powers to give them terrifying nightmares and the constant feeling that they’re being followed.” Brawknor continued to vent his frustrations about Terry’s inconsiderate actions, saying that the whole problem could easily be avoided with a simple

heads-up text. “Look, I know I’m a monster, but I’m no cockblock. All he has to do is give me, like, a five minute heads-up, and I’ll go hang out down the hall somewhere. And another thing, his pillow talk is horrible. He’s so awkward it makes me cringe, and that’s coming from a murderous, satanic brute.”


Live on the Right Side of the Tracks.

Call 612.379.6082 to schedule an appointment or visit

Featured Amenities: Large Bedrooms Big Units A Bathroom for Every Bedroom Workout Facility Club Room

now leasing for fall 2014!

He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.

Our Mobile App Is Your New Best Friend

e and Android - Search Black Sheep Mobile • Download for FREE today! Avai

for iPhon ailable for iPhone and Android • Download for FREE today! Available


THROUGH FEBRUARY! $19 Fishbowls $3 Fireball Shots

SATURDAY: 9pm - Close: $3 Domestic Bottles 9pm - Midnight: $3 You-Call-It Shots $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am

TUES: Birthday Karaoke Night! Bring in 5 Friends 21+ & The Birthday Person Drinks for Free! (excludes shots & top shelf) $3 Tier 1 Mugs, $4 Tier 2 Mugs $3 Long Island Pints

Thursday 2/27

COLLEGE THURSDAYS 8pm - Close: All you care to drink! $6 Bottomless Domestic Beer, $10 Bottomless Rails and Domestic Beers $1 Orange bombs, $3 Jack and Soco

9pm - Close: $3 Coors Light, $3 Long Islands, $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am

Karaoke Thursdays! $2 You Call It Drinks and $3 Shots from 10-close.

Friday 2/28

8pm - Close: $4 3 Olives vodka $5 3 Olives Flavored long islands $2 Mini Bombs (jager, cherry, orange)

8pm - Close: $3 Mich. Golden Light Pints $3 Rails, Live Music 10pm - Close $3 Grape Apes, $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am

$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close

Saturday 3/1

8pm - Close: $4 Bacardi Drinks $2 Mini Bombs (jager, cherry, orange)

9pm - Close: $3 Domestic Bottles 9pm - Midnight: $3 You-Call-It Shots $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am

$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close

10am - 2pm: $5 Stack of Pancakes, $4 Bloody Mary’s Screwdrivers 6pm - 11pm: All burgers $6.99 8 - 11pm: Buy any app or dessert get a free pitcher of domestic or lite beer 8-close: $3 Domestic Bottles and $2.50 Rail Drinks

Sunday Funday! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 4pm - Close

8pm - Close: $3 Coors Mugs $5 Jameson Gingers All Day Pizza for Pennies! Buy any large pizza and get the 2nd pizza for $0.99

Flippin' Drinks! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 9pm - Close

Tuesday 3/4

8pm-close: $3 U Call Its Rails, Calls,and Every Beer on Tap (items subject to tax)

8pm - Midnight: Shamrock Burgers 8pm - close: $5 Domestic Lite Pitchers, $5 Margaritas, $3 Tequila Shots

Birthday Karaoke Night! Bring in 5 Friends 21+ & The Birthday Person Drinks for Free! (excludes shots & top shelf) $3 Tier 1 Mugs, $4 Tier 2 Mugs $3 Long Island Pints

Wednesday 3/5

8pm - Close: $0.25 Wings w/ College or Military ID $0.50 wings w/ out ID or Wristband $8 AYCD: Rails, Miller Lite Tap, Bacardi Oakheart $1.50 High life tall boys

8pm - close: $5 for one pound of boneless wings, $2 for 1’s

Wings N Things $0.39 Wings: 4pm - 10pm 2-4-1 Drinks (9-Close)

Sunday 3/2 Monday 3/3

Closed on Sundays

THROUGH FEBRUARY! $19 Fishbowls $3 Fireball Shots Mason Jar Monday 8pm-close:

$3 Double Jack, Soco, or Rails, and Bud and Bud Light Taps $5.00 Bud and Bud Light Pitchers $10.00 Bud and Bud Light Towers

Call 612.379.6082 to schedule an appointment or visit

The Bar Grid EVERYDAY: Happy Hour 3-6PM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps

WEDNESDAY: Amateur Night: Watch your sexy coeds on stage for the first time compete for $200! Contest Starts at 11:30pm Open to all Ladies

18+ $2 Tuesdays (domestic beer, well drinks) from 8am to close $2 drink specials cover after 9pm Drag Queen Bingo: 8pm - 10pm Diamond Diva Drag Show: 10pm - 2am

WED: No Cover! Kill The Keg: $5 Bottomless Miller High Life Taps $3 Miller Lite Bottles, $3 Vodka, $3 Captain $5 Pizzas 8pm-Midnight


1/2 Price Bottles of Wine Starting at 5pm Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps

Military ID Night: Show your military ID for free cover

Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Rail & Domestic Beer $1 Happy Hour: 8am - 2am Drag Show: 10pm - 1am

No Cover! $3 Cruzan Run $3 Budweiser Products, $3 Cruzan Rum and Svedka $6 Dozen Wings (7pm-Midnight)

Thursday 2/27

Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close

Twin Cities Hottest Male and Female Go Go Dancers! Happy Hour: 8am - 2am La Femme: 8pm - 1am Dance Annex: 9pm - 2am

$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles (7pm-10pm)

Friday 2/28

Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close

Come in for Dinner! All Six Bars are Open!

$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles (7pm-10pm)

Saturday 3/1

No Cover! Inventory Reduction Sunday (IRS) $3 Specials that change every Sunday from 7pm-Close $4 Miller Lite Tall Boys during every Minnesota Pro Baseball game

Sunday 3/2

NO COVER! 2-4-1 Drinks (rail & domestic beer) from 9pm to 1am Happy Hour: 8am - 2am Karaoke: 10pm - 2am

NO COVER! Happy Hour Drinks: 3:30pm-Close $3 Domestic Bottles, $3 Rail Drinks, $4 Specialty Bottles, $4 Call Drinks, $5 Top Shelf Drinks $0.35 Wings 8pm-11pm (Dine in only)

Monday 3/3

18+ $2 Tuesdays (domestic beer, well drinks) from 8am to close $2 drink specials cover after 9pm Drag Queen Bingo: 8pm - 10pm Diamond Diva Drag Show: 10pm - 2am

No Cover! Karaoke: 9pm-Close, Beer Pong $3 Budweiser Products and Well Drinks $3 Heineken, Heineken Light, Amstel Light & Dos Equis Bottles 7pm-midnight $5 Mini Burger Platter (7pm-11pm)

Tuesday 3/4

18+ (21+ no cover, 18-20 $5 cover) $3 Domestic Beers and Rail Drinks, $3.75 Heineken Amateur Drag Show and Trans Exotica Come in for Dinner!

No Cover! Kill The Keg: $5 Bottomless Miller High Life Taps $3 Miller Lite Bottles, $3 Vodka, $3 Captain $5 Pizzas 8pm-Midnight

Wednesday 3/5

Happy Hour 3-6PM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps $10 Bottomless Bloody Marys & Screwdrivers 10am-Midnight Happy Hour 3-6PM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps $10 Bottomless Bloody Marys & Screwdrivers 10am-Midnight Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-1AM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps

Service Industry Night! Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Day! Show pay-stub from your bar or Come experience the 90s in itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s full glory with 6 bars and 3 live DJs club and get free cover!

$2 Sloppy Jacks All Day

College ID Night! Free cover with any College ID - old or new! Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-12AM: Free buffet starts at halftime of $2 Select Beers & Drinks Monday Night Football! 1/2 Price Select Apps Taco Tuesdays 5pm-10pm Root City Trio at 9:30pm Happy Hour 3-6PM, 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps

Ladies Night! Free cover for all ladies Men: Wear any Deja vu or Hustler apparel and get in free!

Amateur Night: Watch your sexy $2 Half Pound Burgers 5-10pm coeds on stage for the first time Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-12AM: compete for $200! $2 Select Beers & Drinks Contest Starts at 11:30pm 1/2 Price Select Apps Open to all Ladies


the m.a.s.h.

oh come on, you remember how to play! tally some marks on the paper for as long as your brain tells you to, then count through the whole list and cross off whatever corresponds with that number. when there’s only one left in each category, boom, that’s your future. live it, love it.

The best man is… - Drake - Jay Z - Kendrick Lamar - Eminem

She got you a blinged out… - Rolex. - cat collar. - tapestry. - vintage Shelby Cobra.

The band at your wedding was… - U2 - Neutral Milk Hotel - Dashboard Confessional - Radiohead

His special gift for you was… - a brand-new elliptical. - 1% stake in the Dallas Cowboys. - a naked sculpture of himself. - a few bars of gold.

The celebrity priest was… - Lil’ Wayne - Coolio - All of the Wu-Tang Clan - Nas

They performed your first dance song… - “Sweet Caroline” - “D.A.N.C.E” - “Psycho Killer” - The Star-Spangled Banner

The maid of honor is…. - Nick Minaj - Missy Elliot - Chanel West Coast - Beyonce

He even got you a present! - A subscription to Entertainment Weekly. - A $150 Victoria’s Secret gift card. - A Milky Way candy bar. - A gold iPhone 5.

Your favorite moment of the night was… - Leaving. - Falling asleep on the wedding cake. - Seeing your maid of honor and the priest hook-up. - finally having a decent poop.






1) Computers: This operating system—available under open source license—can be developed to run anything from wristwatches to supercomputers. 2) Sex: Aside from latex, condoms can also be made from this animal’s intestines. 3) Music: Hip-hop artist J-Kwon released what song 10 years ago, that sees everyone in the club doing something?

YOUR AVERAGE GORILLA DRINKING GAME Saucy Skyscraper When flip cup and beer bongin’ cheap beer just doesn’t do it for you anymore, it’s time to pull out the fancy stuff. This game involves some minor engineering skills, though, so get your nerdy friends to have some fun with you for once. What You’ll Need: A die, 1 shot glass, 3 cups, bottle of tequila, case of beer, bottle of wine, some sort of whiskey or rum, Coke (or any other mixer you want), and a bunch of sturdy coasters. Number of Players: As many as you want! Level of Intoxication: Just hope lady luck is on your side or things can turn ugly. How to Play: - Make a tower of drinks in the following order (top to bottom): shot glass of tequila, half-filled cup of a mixed drink, full cup of a mixed drink, full cup of white wine, and a can of beer. - When you stack up the drinks, put a coaster in between each layer. If this is just like, way too difficult for you to handle, you can place them in order on the table instead. (It’s not really a Saucy Skyscraper then. It’s more like a Liquor Line.) - Players take turns rolling the die. The first person to roll a 6 takes the shot of tequila. - Continue rolling until the next person gets a 6. He or she must then remove the coaster. The next person to roll a 6 drinks the half-cup mixed drink. - The game continues in this way—waiting for players to roll a 6, removing the coasters and drinking up. - While playing, always wait for the person to finish their drink before rolling the die, EXCEPT for the beer. As soon as someone rolls a 6 and is stuck drinking the beer, the rest of the players pass the die, trying to roll a 6 before the beer is gone. - If the drinker finishes the beer first, all the other players have to take a shot. If someone rolls a 6 before the beer is done, the drinker must finish the can and then take a shot as well. The Game Ends When: You finish the tower and still have enough alcohol to build another one!


6) Literature: In what book do the drugs begin to take hold around Barstow? 7) Celebrity: During Jimmy Fallon’s Late Night debut, what megastar accompanied him onstage for the evolution of hip-hop dancing? 8) Military: The United States of America has the world’s highest military budget. What nation is second?

4) Elements: What element on the periodic table is listed Fe, from the Latin ferrum?

9) Grammar: What’s the proper name for the grammatical device that looks like a cursive capital “S” and stands for “and”?

5) News: Kiev, the capital of this country, saw civil unrest break out in violence when government forces tried to remove protesters from the town square.

10) Dance: This dance is described as a “smooth, progressive ballroom folk dance in triple time, performed primarily in the closed position.”

Gorilla’s Answers

Correct Answers

1) Microsoft 2) Boar 3) Tipsy 4) Iron 5) Syria 6) Harry Potter 7) Will Smith 8) Canada 9) Suma 10) Waltz

1) Linux 2) Sheep 3) “Tipsy” 4) Iron 5) Ukraine 6) Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas 7) Will Smith 8) China 9) Ampersand 10) Waltz

Gorilla’s Score: 4 out of 10

RECIPE for DISASTER Chocolate-Covered Bacon Two of the world’s greatest creations combined together can only mean one thing: a sweet and crunchy mouth orgasm. Skip the gym today, stay home in your favorite sweatpants and turn on that Law & Order: SVU marathon, baby. The only place you’re going is chocolate-covered bacon heaven. What You’ll Need: 1 pound of thick cut bacon (DON’T be cute and get turkey bacon), 12 ounces of white chocolate, 12 ounces of dark chocolate, 12 ounces of milk chocolate, 12 ounces of more chocolate just for the hell of it, and any toppings you want (sprinkles, crushed nuts, more bacon, etc.) Cook Time: 30-45 minutes Fatty Factor: You can’t have too much of a good thing. Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat your oven to 375 degrees and line a baking sheet with parchment paper. - Bake the bacon in the oven for 20 minutes until it’s nice and crispy. - Let the bacon cool for a few minutes before putting the slices on paper towels to soak up the extra grease. - Melt your chocolate on very low heat in different pots over the stove. You should probably do them one at a time because we know you’re not good at multitasking and because chocolate can burn pretty easily. - Using tongs, dip a slice of bacon into your chocolate of choice and make sure both sides are coated. Lay the dipped pieces down on a clean sheet of parchment paper. - Sprinkle the freshly-dipped bacon with your toppings—sprinkles, more crunchy bacon bits, cinnamon, crushed almonds, anything you want! Let the chocolate sit for a few minutes or put them in the refrigerator until they’re hard. Eat up!


Survivor Ratings Falter, More Boobs Is The Answer Hugh Jass wrote this

After the Survivor: Caramoan season finale hit an all-time low of a paltry 10.16 million viewers, producers decided that they needed to do something drastic to bring the show’s waning viewership out of a tailspin. But reenergizing a program that was faltering as it approached its 30th season was not going to be a cakewalk. After running through various scenarios that included tribes composed of pro athletes, deposed politicians, and washed-up singers, producers finally settled upon a format for the 28th season. The show’s development staff unanimously decided that there needed to be more boobs on prominent display. In order to do that while appearing politically correct, they divided the tribes by the traits of “Brawn, Brains, Beauty.” Unfortunately, the season premiere of Cagayan did not fare nearly as well as CBS analysts predicted, and it left producers of the show scrambling. “We really messed up on this one. There weren’t nearly enough boobs, and the Brain tribe was just plain awful,” said producer Jeff Probst. “Everybody hates nerds, that’s why we gave them all swirlies in junior high. I don’t know what we were thinking.” Probst, along with the other producers, put together a crack focus group to confirm suspicions of where they went wrong. Unsurprisingly their fears were correct, and the focus groups demonstrated that people cared least for the Brain tribe, with reasons ranging from “They ain’t got no nice titties on ‘em” to “If I wanted to watch a bunch of ugly, unfunny brainiacs I’d be tuning into The Big Bang Theory.” Probst and the producers had forgotten the golden rule of reality television: intelligence has no place in it. “People who watch reality television fall into two camps,” explained Probst. “The first camp is made up of people who want to laugh at the subjects and feel more secure about their lives. Take Jersey Shore for example. They look and those idiots and say ‘I might be a slut, but hey, at least I’m not as bad as Snooki!’ The second camp of people wants to see catfights and look at boobs,” Probst adjusted his crotch, attempting to conceal his enthusiasm. “Personally, I fall into the second camp, which is partially why we went the direction that we did.”

“If I wanted to watch a bunch of ugly, unfunny brainiacs I’d be tuning into The Big Bang Theory.” With Survivor being filmed in the summer and broadcast months later, altering the show was going to be an issue. However, all the participants were rounded back up to re-film, except for one group. “We completely took the Brain team off the island, and replaced them with models from the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition,” a wild-eyed Probst claimed. “The season is also being rebranded with the three tribes representing Brawn, Boobies, and More Boobies. We figured we’d stop pulling punches and call a spade a spade.” Probst tapped six models from the 2014 Swimsuit Edition roster. Among the newly-added contestants is Kate Upton, two-time cover girl for Sports Illustrated. “We’re thrilled that we were able to snag her. Without her we would’ve really had some problems reaching our DD-cup quota, but she gave us a lot of headroom” Probst said, grinning from ear to ear. Probst is especially excited for Hannah Davis to be joining the cast. “She’s one of my favorites. Her body is perfection, and I’m very excited to be only feet away from her in a swimsuit,” he raved, excusing himself to the bathroom. Early polls are demonstrating that the show may nearly double its viewership when the new cast makes its debut. “We’ve been toying with the idea of having a live episode and there being a ‘wardrobe malfunction.’ The money we’ll reap in viewership numbers will far outweigh whatever fine gets stamped on us. This is off the record, right?” a very sweaty Jeff Probst asked. “I didn’t even realize that show was still on television, but if there is even the slightest chance that Kate Upton’s top might fall off I’ll be watching every episode,” said Sam Dean, a recent graduate. “Hell, I sat through all of Piranha 3D because there were some topless broads in it, I can deal with Survivor.” There will also be new challenges to capitalize on the new cast. “I’m really looking forward to the kissing contests, which I’m going to be judging of course,” Probst chortled. Season 28 will also see the addition of contests like a slow motion jogging challenge as well as bikini mud wrestling. However, the original Beauty team is not happy with the addition of the swimsuit models. “I was supposed to be salivated over. I was supposed to be the one everyone was talking about. Now they bring in all these models and I’m playing second fiddle,” scowled Morgan McLeod. McLeod is not alone, as many of the other members of the Beauty squad have complained as well. “I was brought here on the grounds that I would be able to flirt my way through the entire competition. Forcing me to use my other, less developed skills is completely unfair and not what I signed up for,” stated former beauty pageant contestant and current trophy wife Kelly Demming. Upper management at CBS was initially concerned that the addition of models to the program wouldn’t be catering to the female audience enough, but a short meeting with all the castmates changed that. “The girls really got into it at our first meeting, it was wild. There was hair pulling, screaming, the whole nine yards,” said Probst with a smile. “This is starting to become The Real Housewives of Survivor, and chicks love that type of garbage.” While it has become clear that Survivor is on its last legs, producers believe they can squeeze out a dozen more seasons with the new format. “We figure that as long as people are still tuning into TLC to watch 600-pound people try to live their lives, there is a place for Survivor on the dial. Especially if the show has lots of boobs. And exciting challenges, but mostly boobs,” said Probst as he grabbed a bottle of lotion and left the room.

THE KEANU REEVES SHUFFLE Do you know what movies all of these Keanu Reeves characters are from? Email us at If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!


1) Point Break 2) Speed 3) The Devil’s Advocate 4) The Matrix 5) The Replacements

6) 47 Ronin 7) The Day the Earth Stood Still 8) Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure 9) Constantine

the crossword famous sara(h)s

ACROSS: 3) This company is famous for making baked goods and more, two words. 5) SJP played this Carrie on Sex and the City. 6) Sarah Drew plays this doctor on Grey’s Anatomy. 7) Darlene Connor of Roseanne’s real last name. 11) Sarah comedian who was married to Jimmy Kimmel. 12) Sara Quin is one-half of the duo featuring her twin sister named what? 13) Sarah Palin was governor of this state. 14) SARAH is a fictional smart house in what SyFy TV Series? 15) This famous children’s book featured Sarah, who was plain and what? 16) One of the most famous jazz singers of our time, Sarah who? 17) Sarah Ferguon is this kind of royalty of York. DOWN: 1) Sarah Michelle Gellar married this late-90s dreamboat. 2) Sara Blakely is the founder of this popular women’s undergarment company. 3) Sarah, the private college. 4) This famous Sara had the 2007 hit song “Love Song.” 8) Sarah McLachlan founded this woman-friendly music festival, two words. 9) This Florida city’s motto is “Where Urban Amenities Meet Small-Town Living.” 10) Former Playermate of the Year and host of G4’s Attack of the Show!



O N WA S H I N G TO N Leasing Office Location: 720 Washington Ave SE, Minneapolis, MN Like us on Facebook for Leasing Specials! (866) 629-8022 • • #700onWashington



Welcoming Back Sally’s on the 1st Floor!

TCF Stadium and Campus Views! Watch the Gophers and MN Vikings play out of your living room, floor-to-ceiling windows!

A P P LY T O D AY F O R FA L L 2 0 1 4

EAST & WEST BANK STUDENT HOUSING S AV E U P TO $ 2 0 0 W I T H R E D U C E D F E E S walk to class • furnished apartments available • private bedrooms & bathrooms available 24-hour fitness centers • computer centers • free tanning • game rooms with billiards bike storage • garage parking available • individual leases • roommate matching available



GOPHERSTUDENTHOUSING.COM Fees & amenities are subject to change. See office for details.

Minnesota - Issue 6 - 2/26/2014  

Minnesota - Issue 6 - 2/26/2014

Read more
Read more
Similar to
Popular now
Just for you