The Black Sheep
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Vol. 5, Issue 5
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
10/3/13 - 10/9/13
With Moodle BY: Megan Felz When it comes to Moodle, the University of Minnesota staff is just never satisfied. It seems as though, you get comfortable with one format right before they rip the rug right out from under you, leaving you in a spiral of betrayal and confusion. It’s like learning Pluto isn’t a planet all over again. First, there was plain ole’ Moodle, then they moseyed on over to Moodle 1.9, then 2, then 2.2, and now it’s 2013 and Moodle 2.4 reigns supreme.
Whiz straight out of the can and watching the original Air Bud movie an inordinate amount of times, there’s going to be someone out there who’ll gladly join you. You’ve got your eHarmony, your Christian Mingle, Adult Friend Finder, even a Senior People Meet site, so it’s about time that The U catered to what students really came to college for.
To begin the process, students will be asked a Meanwhile, here you are, basking in the glory of series of questions that may or may not be unthe 21st century and all of the different flavors comfortable, as well as mentally and physically of froyo that it has to offer, wishing that you taxing. Luckily, The Black Sheep was able to get had someone to share that froyo with. Fear not, its hands on some sample questions along with because not only some suggested does Moodle 2.4 answers that ’ll “Fear not, because not only does have .4 more points surely make that Moodle 2.4 have .4 more points of aweof awesome than special someone Moodle 2, it also some than Moodle 2, it also has the swoon. has the added the added the much-demanded compo- Q: What is your much-demanded component of onstance on Nerf line dating. How nent of online dating. How convenient Guns? convenient and and not at all an invasion of privacy.” A: Pro Nerf Gun, it’s not at all an invayour constitutional sion of privacy. Gone are the days of “accidently” right. clicking on the class roster, “casually” glancing over every name, and “occasionally” plugging Q: If you could be any flavor of Jell-O, which them into your Facebook search box, culminat- would you choose? ing in a passionate, one-sided, cyber romance. A: Strawberry because it combines the words “straw” and “berry.” Obviously. According to Match.com, 1 in 4 relationships start online. Therefore, statistically speaking, the Q: How many licks does it take to get to the likelihood of you finding your match online is center of a Tootsie Pop? about as common as finding a yellow Starburst A: It depends on how many egg rolls are eaten in an original flavor pack. Technology has finally pre-Tootsie Pop. reached that point where if you like eating Cheez
Q: Which Planet in our Solar System do you identify with most? A: Mercury because it’s closest to the sun and is hotter than a million fresh plates of fajitas. Q: If you could put “that’s what she said” at the end of any phrase what phrase would you choose? A: “Well, that’s a hole in one if I’ve ever seen it.” After the general questionnaire, students will be able to see their compatibly with fellow classmates and plan all of their future trysts around a computer-generated test score. There’ll also be links to potential conversation topics, like soup and whether or not Froot Loops are better than Apple Jacks. Finally, an interactive “Date Simulator” will be included, so you can learn to control that nervous gastro-intestinal reflex you struggle
Students Excited to Attend Communist Rally
Top 10: Drinks You Thought of While Drunk
Hey, these guys really seem to know what they’re talking about.
with. Suggested dates include enjoying a Lake Calhoun sunset while talking about the complexities of Mario Kart, holding hands while walking along the Mississippi River (but not going in it because it’s the Mississippi), and swinging by the Hot Air Balloon Festival in Duluth while reminiscing about 90s television shows. Spanish class just got a whole lot more caliente now that you know the hunk sitting in front of you likes to tango. Your lit class just became a Nicholas Sparks novel. That baking soda/vinegar solution isn’t the only thing bubbling in chem class. And in stats, the distribution of masturbation to actually getting it in will be positively skewed towards the latter. So, when faced with the question “Do you want to know what love is?”, the answer will be indisputably be “[Moodle] will show [you]”.
at the end of the day, vodka and Franzia is still vodka and Franzia, you lush.
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following conclusion of Breaking bad By: black sheep staff The finale episode of Breaking Bad aired this past Sunday, and in the days since the shocking ending of Walter White’s meth empire, 3.5 million Americans have committed suicide. And to make things worse, that number is still rising. The normal U.S. suicide rate is about 20 per 100,000 citizens every year, but since Sunday the rate has risen to about 250 suicides per 100,000 citizens per day. When asked for a comment, the World Health Organization called the 456,250% increase in suicides “very unusual.” UMN has not been exempt from the sudden suicide craze; since the airing, local experts estimate between 200 and 4,300 students have ended their lives over the past few days. “I’m shocked. Utterly shocked,” said one student, whose roommate Robert Xanaxbar leapt from his Frontier room early Monday morning. “[Show creator] Vince Gilligan is a sick genius. There’s still one thing I still can’t don’t understand, why did Rob have to crash through the window on his way out? Now it’s hot as shit all day and cold as shit all night. That guy was always a dick.” “I just wish people would leave me the hell alone,” said junior Kelly Pinkerton-Stinfurder, wiping away tears. “After all that, after all I’ve gone through, it turns out it was a lie. They don’t really give you straight A’s for the semester if your roommate dies.” She paused to compose herself. “They said... I’m sorry, it’s just so *sniff* — they said that rule is in place for special circumstances, but suicide doesn’t count, since it’s like fraud or some bullshit. I stabbed her body in the chest as they were carrying her out to try and use a loophole or something, but they said it was too late.” Local police constable Erin Wüdrough wrote a public message for
the student body that was sent out through the school’s emergency alert system on Tuesday. “Students, I am not trying to talk you out of what you know you have to do. I understand the deep hole Breaking Bad has left, a hole that cannot be filled — I’m doing the same thing in a few weeks once I make enough money to leave to my wife and children. All I’m asking is that you consider the poor officers who have to clean up your yucky corpse. So please, we ask you to kindly end your life in a dumpster, or at least have a friend drag your body to a corner on your neighborhood’s garbage day. You can also make the medical examiner’s life a whole lot easier by stapling your ID to your face beforehand.” “In honor of Heisenberg, I’m gonna snort meth until I OD. Lol bye guys :)” tweeted sophomore Poot Smith immediately following the show’s ending. An hour later he tweeted “lol nvm this stuff is sweet” and since then has sent over 450 tweets, mostly containing derogatory comments toward actor Shia LeBeouf. President Obama addressed the suicidal nation on Wednesday. “Although the loss of over 1% of the American population is a tragedy in some ways... this is actually solving a lot of the federal government’s financial problems. Therefore, I am proud to award the Congressional Medal of Honor to every single man, woman, and child who helped save social security and the U.S. post office by painting the walls with their brains.” He nodded at his teleprompter operator as if to say “it’s okay, go ahead,” and after saluting, the president quickly stabbed himself through the stomach with a long ceremonial sword. “Now that that’s over with, I feel obligated to announce my membership in a
post-Breaking Bad suicide pact with the majority of my administration, including a large chunk of the presidential line of succession. JB one, JB two, Leahy, Kerry, Lew, Hagel Bagel, The Holdster, Jewell, Vilsa--wait, no, I think he pussied out. So say hello to President Tom Vilsack, I guess.”
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Student Excited to Attend Communist Rally After Receiving Flyer By:Jake Sorensen
Drinks You Thought of While Drunk By: Alexandra Adams
Sometimes, you find yourself inventing delicious, original drinks. These are not those. These are drinks thought of by your sloppy-drunk self. 10.) Mountain Dew and Tequila: Sure, this sounded like such a good plan at the time. Tequila is the only booze that’s not a depressant. Mountain Dew is delicious. Plus, there’s all that sugar so you can feel extra-horrible come morning! Yippee! 9.) Vodka and 5-Hour Energy: Just because 5-Hour Energy has 8333% your daily intake of good ole’ B12, doesn’t mean it’ll provide 8333% your daily intake of awesome when a very drunk you concluded that you should throw some Karkov in there as well. Prepare for a night of text messages and snap chats you didn’t mean to send. Just don’t be afraid to share your dumb mistakes with The Black Sheep by tweeting @BlackSheep_UMN. Everyone’s all in this mess together. 8.) Frappacino and Rum: Sober, this sounds awful. Buzzed, it sounds awful. But drunk, these two become a viable option, much like those people you accidentally hookup with over the weekend or that decision you made to buy a life-size cutout of Steve Buscemi. 7.) Gin and Margarita Mix: Wait a second, this one doesn’t even taste that bad. Gin is a cool liquor with a strong flavor. It almost perfectly compliments the lime and high fructose corn syrup notes from the mix. Almost. 6.) Beer and Whiskey: An excellent drink if you’re in the mood to projectile vomit everywhere. It really seems appropriate at the time but it’s really never appropriate. Don’t you guys remember that episode of Workaholics? 5.) Naked Juice and Gin: This delicious bitch is actually more of a drunk-piphany. You’re getting your fruits, getting your veggies, and getting your party on. You can put almost half booze in any given fruit smoothie and not taste a lick of it. It’s actually recommended to exceed that point so you get a little taste of gin. (The Black Sheep is not liable for any decisions made beyond this point.)
While walking to back to his 22nd Avenue apartment last Wednesday from an afternoon chemistry lecture, UMN student Henry Manderby reported he is now anxiously counting down the days to next weekend’s communist rally after being handed a flyer for the event on campus. “You know, with all this talk of drones, gay marriage, and an economic recession, I always have this feeling as if something is very wrong with our society. I mean, drug stores are charging $4.00 for a gallon of milk now. If that’s not the 1% shitting on the little guy, I don’t what is. It’s not even chocolate milk, man. So yeah, I think joining up with the communist movement is definitely the way to go.”
“These guys really seem to know what they’re talking about” When pressed about why he was choosing just now to become involved with the radical effort, Manderby replied: “The guy handing flyers out was a huge inspiration. I mean, there I was, in the Mall area, just humming some Cudi and thinking about heating up beef ramen for dinner, when this husky dude staring at his feet with a stack of papers tentatively extends an arm out and mumbles something about ‘the nation’s alternative.’ His confidence and well-researched argument really shone through and I found myself yearning to understand more about his cause.”
Manderby also swore he at no point felt the sudden urge to rip the boringly designed black and white flyer in half, nor did he find it strange that it referred to former Soviet Chairman Vladimir Lenin as a “heroic visionary” and not a “brutal dictator that committed countless human rights violations.”
4.) Vodka and Milk: This is not a White Russian, kids. This is milk and vodka. It tastes like milk with vodka. Think of milk as the substitute teacher, filling in while Kahlua’s vacationing in Barbados. It’ll try really hard to get you to like it, but it’ll literally taste like you’re drinking one of the spitballs the kid in the back row shot at you.
“These guys really seem to know what they’re talking about,” Manderby continued, “I mean, times are tough. I know a few guys who’ve moved back in with their parents and I now have to buy the off-brand Hot Pockets at Target to make space in my budget for booze. People are suffering, and none of our politicians are doing anything about it. And who wants to bother unrealistically trying to amass public support for comprehensive legislating, when unrealistically trying to amass followers to partake in a bloody overthrow of the government makes so much more sense?” “It’s like when you were a kid playing a board game, and flipped over all the pieces every time you started to lose,” Manderby added, “it all makes perfect sense to me. And who knows? Maybe if I stick around long enough I can rise through the ranks and become a callous, misguided totalitarian nutjob myself someday. Or spend my whole life shouting on street corners and smoking a fuck ton of weed. Either of those sound very appealing to me.” Manderby left the interview concerned about the lack of red in his wardrobe, though luckily remembered the UMN Bookstore was having a 50% off sale on apparel next week, which was awesome because he could totally get his Erb and Gerb’s on after.
3.) Ron Diaz and Apple Juice: Alright, this one tastes good too. Be careful. Plus Ron Diaz is actually native to Minnesota. Aren’t you guys proud that of having a shittier version of Capitan Morgan to call your own? It’s heartwarming. 2.) Vodka and Franzia: Because why the hell not? If you’re drinking shitty wine that tastes like piss mixed with grape juice, you might as well add some fuel to the fire. At least now you’ll actually get drunk off the stuff. 1.) The Leftovers: A bit of Svedka? Check. A smidge of the Jäg? Yes please. A little Tanquray? Certainly. A dash of Jameson? Of course. A pinch of butterscotch schnapps? Wait, why do you even have that... Nevermind, just put it in there. This is a drink of desperation; you’ve got low spirits from being, well, low on spirits. Therefore, you must improvise. Try not to get pregnant.
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on the Streets What’s the worst piece of advice your parents ever have you? Colton
“I don’t care how drunk you get, just don’t drive.”
“Be smart, be safe, don’t do anything stupid.”
“As long as you pull out, you won’t catch anything.”
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Students Make Pact to Get Their Shit Together By: Dan Mirabelli As the first round of midterms comes to an end, many students have been shaken to their core as the reality of being at school has finally hit them. The results of the exams took an especially hard toll on two freshmen living in Middlebrook. “I honestly thought that Syllabus Week was a semesterlong thing, not just literally a week,” said Pete Donnelly, a civil engineering major. Pete, along with his roommate, had been going out five nights a week since school began in August, and they were caught with their dicks in the door (so to speak) when they were slapped in the face with four exams in the past week. Pete’s roommate Steven Billings humbly noted, “Low key, I was our class valedictorian and never studied for a test in my life. School has always been a joke for me.” They received a total of 5 F’s, 2 D’s and an inexplicable A earned by Pete on his philosophy exam. When asked how they studied for the exams and if they attended review sessions, their responses were not politically correct: “Do I look like a limp dick?” exclaimed Pete. “Review sessions are for try-hards and needledicks,” added Steven, the previously mentioned valedictorian. When we tried to explain to them that said “needledicks” would probably end up with higher GPAs than “cool cats”
that refused to attend review sessions, they were still not impressed. “The only GPA I care about is Guns, Pussy and Alcohol” said Steven, who received an excited high-five from Pete. When pressed to divulge how much they had actually studied for the exam, they said that they had skimmed the practice exams before they took their midterms but didn’t actually do any of the problems. When asked if they had photographic memories, they laughed and Pete commented that he didn’t have a photographic memory but instead had a “pornographic” memory. When asked to further explain what that entailed, he said, “It’s like normal memory, but everything is like sex.” It was only when they saw the email from their advisors that they began to realize how dire their situation actually is. Faced with two write-ups from their RA for “breaking in and peeing on a foreign exchange student’s bed” and “putting lube on everyone’s doorknobs” on top of their less-than-satisfactory grades, the two are looking at expulsion if their grades do not show improvement. The two have decided that they are making an oath to “get their shit together” in order to bring their grades back up. Although they were informed that not every oath has to be a blood oath, the two were insistent that the pact be written and signed in their blood “to let each other know it was real.” After the first few words, however, a red pen was quickly brought out, as well as antiseptic and Band-
Aids. When asked why they stopped writing in blood, Pete explained through tears “from his allergies,” that it was simply unsanitary. Steven spelled out the details of the oath to us, which included cutting down partying to three nights per week, as well as a mutual obligation to start attending discussion sections. “We decided on not including lecture in the oath, because we both know that we’re just going to play Clash of Clans the whole time, so we’re just gonna bite the bullet on that one,” Pete added, which elicited approval from Steven.
The two also agreed that they will be doing their best to attend their TA office hours if they start falling behind, but Steven made it clear that he would not be attending his economics office hours because his TA is a “total hippie gay-wad that needs to get a haircut and stop talking about NPR.” Although these two students still need to make up a lot of ground, it is heartening to see that they have taken some steps to get their house back into order. We will be keeping up with these two and will give an update in a couple months to see if they are serious about their oath, since it is mostly written in red pen and not blood.
m o c . e n i l n O p e e h S k c a l B GAMES G The IN K IN R PECIALS | D | BAR S ARTICLES
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Saturday! 8pm - Close: $4 Bacardi Drinks $2 Mini Bombs (jager, cherry, orange)
TUESDAY! 8pm - Midnight: Shamrock Burgers 8pm - close: $5 Domestic Lite Pitchers, $5 Margaritas, $3 Tequila Shots
WEDNESDAY: Wings N Things $0.39 Wings: 4pm - 10pm 2-4-1 Drinks (9-Close)
COLLEGE THURSDAYS 8pm - Close: All you care to drink! $6 Bottomless Domestic Beer, $10 Bottomless Rails and Domestic Beers $1 Orange bombs, $3 Jack and Soco
9pm - Close: $3 Coors Light, $3 Long Islands, $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am
Karaoke Thursdays! $2 You Call It Drinks and $3 Shots from 10-close.
8pm - Close: $4 3 Olives vodka $5 3 Olives Flavored long islands $2 Mini Bombs (jager, cherry, orange)
8pm - Close: $3 Mich. Golden Light Pints $3 Rails, Live Music 10pm - Close $3 Grape Apes, $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am
$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close
8pm - Close: $4 Bacardi Drinks $2 Mini Bombs (jager, cherry, orange)
9pm - Close: $3 Domestic Bottles 9pm - Midnight: $3 You-Call-It Shots $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am
$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close
Closed on Sundays
10am - 2pm: $5 Stack of Pancakes, $4 Bloody Mary’s Screwdrivers 6pm - 11pm: All burgers $6.99 8 - 11pm: Buy any app or dessert get a free pitcher of domestic or lite beer 8-close: $3 Domestic Bottles and $2.50 Rail Drinks
Sunday Funday! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 4pm - Close
Mason Jar Monday 8pm-close: $3 Double Jack, Soco, or Rails, and Bud and Bud Light Taps $5.00 Bud and Bud Light Pitchers $10.00 Bud and Bud Light Towers
8pm - Close: $3 Coors Mugs $5 Jameson Gingers All Day Pizza for Pennies! Buy any large pizza and get the 2nd pizza for $0.99
Flippin' Drinks! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 9pm - Close
8pm-close: $3 U Call Its Rails, Calls,and Every Beer on Tap (items subject to tax)
8pm - Midnight: Shamrock Burgers 8pm - close: $5 Domestic Lite Pitchers, $5 Margaritas, $3 Tequila Shots
Birthday Karaoke Night! Bring in 5 Friends 21+ & The Birthday Person Drinks for Free! (excludes shots & top shelf) $3 Tier 1 Mugs, $4 Tier 2 Mugs $3 Long Island Pints
8pm - Close: $0.25 Wings w/ College or Military ID $0.50 wings w/ out ID or Wristband $8 AYCD: Rails, Miller Lite Tap, Bacardi Oakheart $1.50 High life tall boys
8pm - close: $5 for one pound of boneless wings, $2 for 1’s
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Wednesday: No Cover! Kill The Keg: $5 Bottomless Miller High Life Taps, $3 Miller Lite Bottles, $3 Vodka, $3 Captain $5 Pizzas 8pm-Midnight
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Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Rail & Domestic Beer $1 Happy Hour: 8am - 2am Drag Show: 10pm - 1am
No Cover! $3 Cruzan Run $3 Budweiser Products, $3 Cruzan Rum and Svedka $6 Dozen Wings (7pm-Midnight)
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College ID Night! Free cover with any College ID - old or new! Free buffet starts at halftime of Monday Night Football!
NO COVER! 2-4-1 Drinks (rail & domestic beer) from 9pm to 1am Happy Hour: 8am - 2am Karaoke: 10pm - 2am
NO COVER! Happy Hour Drinks: 3:30pm-Close $3 Domestic Bottles, $3 Rail Drinks, $4 Specialty Bottles, $4 Call Drinks, $5 Top Shelf Drinks $0.35 Wings 8pm-11pm (Dine in only)
Ladies Night! Free cover for all ladies Men: Wear any Deja vu or Hustler apparel and get in free!
18+ $2 Tuesdays (domestic beer, well drinks) from 8am to close $2 drink specials cover after 9pm Drag Queen Bingo: 8pm - 10pm Diamond Diva Drag Show: 10pm - 2am
No Cover! Karaoke: 9pm-Close, Beer Pong $3 Budweiser Products and Well Drinks $3 Heineken, Heineken Light, Amstel Light & Dos Equis Bottles 7pm-midnight $5 Mini Burger Platter (7pm-11pm)
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No Cover! Kill The Keg: $5 Bottomless Miller High Life Taps $3 Miller Lite Bottles, $3 Vodka, $3 Captain $5 Pizzas 8pm-Midnight
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6 degrees of separation
Aaron paul to Carrie Brownstien These two are connected by 6 different people. if you know who, and how, tweet us @Blacksheep_UMN First 3 right answers get a prize!
Are You Smarter
1) Currency: What unit of currency did Canada stop putting in circulation on February 4th, 2013?
6) Politics: What are the three main branches of the United States government?
2) Biology: Clams, mussels and oysters are all parts of this class of watery creature.
7) Language: What is the type of word that conveys an action or occurrence?
3) Religion: Behind Christianity and Islam, this world religion ranks third with just over 1 billion practitioners. 4) Geography: Name one country found on the Horn of Africa. 5) Music: The Gathering of the Juggalos is a yearly music festival celebrating what hip-hop group?
Shante from Burrito Loco
Drinking Game Fill the Pumpkin Having a variety of alcohol is always good, right? That must mean that having a variety of alcohol in one drink must be great! Maybe not. Let’s find out. What You’ll Need: A plastic pumpkin bucket, pair of dice, a wide variety of alcohol types and flavors, and friends who have strong stomachs. Number of Players: The more, the scarier. Level of Intoxication: Let’s just say the pumpkin doubles as a vomit bucket. How to Play: - Place the pumpkin in the middle of the table and surround it with booze. - The first person rolls the dice and does the corresponding action with the number rolled. - Two: Speak in a funny accent until it’s your turn again. - Three: Make up a rule. Whoever breaks the rule takes a drink. - Four: Pour a drink into the pumpkin. - Five: Play a round of “Never Have I Ever.” Whoever loses takes a drink.
- Six: Drink whatever is in the plastic pumpkin. - Seven: Make someone else take a shot. - Eight: Pour a drink into the pumpkin. - Nine: Roll one of the dice again. Whatever number you get, drink for that many seconds. - Ten: You’re Question Master until someone else rolls a 10. - Eleven: Rhyming game with autumnthemed words - Twelve: Drink whatever is in the plastic pumpkin.
The Game Ends When: The first person starts looking a little ghoulish. Once there’s vomit in the pumpkin bucket, we doubt you’ll want to keep playing with it.
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8) Universities: Which of the six Ivy League schools is located in Providence, Rhode Island? 9) Math: What is the branch of math that studies triangles, specifically the relationship between their angles and sides? 10) Sayings: Finish this quote: “You either die a hero or…”
1) Penny 2) Mollusks 3) Hinduism 4) Cote d’Ivoire 5) Insane Clown Posse 6) Legislative, Executive, Judicial 7) Verb 8) Dartmouth 9) Trigonometry 10) “Live long enough to become a villain.”
1) Penny 2) Bivalve 3) Hinduism 4) Djibouti, Ethiopia, Somalia, Eritrea 5) Insane Clown Posse 6) Legislative, Executive, Judicial 7) Verb 8) Brown 9) Trigonometry 10) “live long enough to see yourself become a villain.”
Shante’s Score: 7 out of 10
Recipe for disaster Whiskey Caramel Dipped Apples Autumn is officially here and what a better way to celebrate it than with caramel-dipped apples, infused with booze, of course! They’re a little healthy, a lot sweet and have the potential of getting you a little tipsy. What more could you want? What You’ll Need: A bunch of apples, wooden popsicle sticks, wax paper, caramel bits, your favorite whiskey, and whatever other chunky monkey toppings you want to pack into your mouth Cook Time: We’re guesstimating 25 minutes. Fatty Factor: It’s like 80% fruit, so let’s just leave it at that. Let’s Get Baked: - Place your caramel bits in a bowl. - Microwave the caramel for about 3 minutes, stirring after each minute. Stop the microwave after the mixture is melted. - For each bag of caramel bits used, add 3 tablespoons of whiskey. Stir. - Shove a popsicle stick into one of the apples and dip the entire apple into the caramel mixture, making sure it is completely covered when you’re done. Lift the apple out of the bowl and let the excess caramel drip off. - Roll your apples into the toppings of your choosing or simply place them on the wax paper plain. - Allow your caramel apples to chill in the refrigerator for about 15 minutes before enjoying! Try experimenting with different alcohols and flavors, such as green apple vodka. We suggest steering clear of disgusting dessert flavors, unless you want to see your delicious apple creation in the toilet.
nomnomnomnom theblacksheeponline.com 11
S e x osi
ew! i v e R k o A Bo By: Benny Boy
Although Emily Dubberley’s Acrobatic Sex Positions contains some of the most strenuous and penile-endangering sex positions known to mankind, one often finds that the most difficult aspect of these positions is convincing your girlfriend to do them with you. After all, you can only try these positions solo so many times until you find yourself only able to climax at the scent of moisturizer in the tortoise position. Here we will give you a few of the better sex positions from Acrobatic Sex Positions, all of which have been tested by us firsthand (R.I.P. Valerie), followed by our advice on how to get your significant other to try it with you.
Pick p u e m
Difficulty Convincing: 3/10
What it Looks Like: The man is standing straight up with the woman in front, face down, legs wrapped around his hips and in the resting pushup position. How to Accomplish: If you see this position and don’t immediately think of wheelbarrow races, then your childhood was seriously lacking. Either that, or my uncle Terry has some serious ‘splaining to do! To get your girlfriend to do this one, you will need to hype up the innocent fun of it. Ask her if she would like to do a wheelbarrow race for fun, just like old times. If she declines and looks at you like you’re crazy, say you guys could do it with your clothes off (she might be skeptical at first, but just do your best at convincing her that you will not stick your penis in her). After you guys have started wheelin’ around what you need to do is -- and this is the most important part -- you need stick your penis in her. At first she will be upset, but then it will quickly dawn on her that if she stops using either of her arms to support herself, she will be heading face-first to the floor. Extra points if you can accomplish this during the wheelbarrow race at your neighborhood’s annual family fun picnic.
Tow Truck The
Difficulty Convincing: 2/10 What it Looks Like: The woman is on all fours with the man sitting on her backside, leaning over to initiate penetration. How to Accomplish: This will be one of the positions that will require a lot of prep time. What you need to do first is work really hard at your job, saving money whenever you can. As soon as you have 2-3 grand, surprise your girlfriend with a luxury trip to Morocco. She will want to go to the beach for the first couple of days, and you will need to oblige. Close to the end of the trip you need to insist that the two of you go on a nature expedition. Once in the desert, you need to pretend that you are lost. Panic will set in at first, which is only normal. The desert will be very hot, so you should be removing clothes slowly while telling your girlfriend to do the same. After you are both naked, tell her that you need to rest, only the sand is too hot for you to sit on, so she must get on all fours so that you can rest on her buttocks. Once doing so, and this is the most difficult part, you must violently wrench your penis into a downward 90 degree angle in order to achieve penetration.
Difficulty Convincing: 4/10 What it Looks Like: The man is leaning over the side of the bed head-first. His head is resting on the floor and he is looking under the bed. The woman is sitting on the side of the bed against him. How to Accomplish: This one is really quite simple. In the middle of making love to your woman, stop immediately and announce that you have a gift for her underneath the bed. This sudden interruption will leave the woman frustrated, but that was going to happen anyway. Turn around and dive off the bed head-first into a headstand. Lift up the overhanging sheets and begin “searching” for the gift. After a few minutes, yell out in a panicked voice that you are going to fall on the floor. Tell your lady friend to come and help you by sticking your penis into her for leverage. This works half of the time, the other half of the time the childish behavior makes the girl think she is in the movie Big, which sometimes helps because of the mental association with Tom Hanks.
Part 1 of 3!
wall ang er Difficulty Convincing: 8/10
What it Looks Like: The woman is up against a wall with the man doing a handstand behind her.
Difficulty Convincing: 6/10 What it Looks Like: The man is standing with the woman suspended face up, legs wrapped around his back, and with no support. How to Accomplish: This is another position which will require a lot of prep work. What you need to do first is become a licensed magician. Now, you might be asking, “Do magicians need licenses?” And the answer is, we truly don’t know. However, if you do need one, you’re gonna want to get one for this position. The Backbreaker is going to mimic the age-old levitation illusion. Normally this is done using hidden planks underneath the volunteer, but this time it will be a little different (Hint: You’re gonna use your penis). When you’re performing your routine at a bar mitzvah, county fair, or what-haveyou, plant your girlfriend in the crowd and ask her to come up to participate in the levitation trick. Once you are prepared for the great reveal, mount your lady and go to town. She will be suspended in mid-air, and nobody will be the wiser.
Part 2 of 3!
fA CE D
How to Accomplish: This is just one of those positions which requires a very specific set of circumstances to pull off, but when you do it is that much sweeter. You’re gonna need to find your girlfriend naked up against a wall. Now, this doesn’t happen very often, so when it does you need to be ready. Who knows, she could be doing some naked hamstring stretching, or maybe she is counting while playing naked hide-n-seek. Anyway, when she is in this position you need to get naked, do a headstand, and then just hand-walk your way on over to her. It’s best not to explain. The more you try, the more she won’t understand.
Part 3 of 3!
Difficulty Convincing: 9/10 What it Looks Like: Just like The XXX Wallbanger except now the woman is also doing a handstand. How to Accomplish: At this point you are making love to your girlfriend while doing a handstand. Congratulations. The next logical step is to get her to do a handstand as well. She’s going to ask you why you are banging her while doing a handstand, and you are going to respond, “Is it me that is upside down, or is it the world?” She will think about this for a moment, eventually concluding that her perception of the world, universe, and society at large is just that: a perception. Although this spiritual revelation does not necessitate a physical rotation of the body into a handstand, she will still be more inclined to do so after realizing the subjective nature of the cosmos.
Difficulty Convincing: 10/10 What it Looks Like: Just like the Clasping Handstand except the two are now facing each other. How to Accomplish: To get the move to come to its conclusion, all you need to say is, “You know what, babe? We’ve gotten ourselves into this position, we might as well just face each other and admire us ourselves for the acrobatic weirdos that we are.”
Guess the Guttenberg
Each box features the handsome steve guttenberg in one of his many blockbuster films. do you know which movie each box is from?
Police Academy • Cocoon • It Takes Two • Three Men and a Baby • The Big Green Poseidon Adventure • Short Circuit • The Boyfriend Club • Tower of Terror
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