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The Black Sheep

FRE (AN E...LIK DT E T AST HE Y YE DIR LLO T Y B W) ROW SNO W.. N .

Vol. 6, Issue 1

THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE

1/23/14 - 1/29/14

1981 PEUGEOT 10-SPEED

BIKE LAID TO REST BY: CORA NEISEN

A beloved bike, hastily named Pete by its proud owner, was laid to rest yesterday in Dinkytown. At 33 years old, the bike experienced a full life — seeing everything from the release of the Iranian hostages, to the emergence of the fanny pack, to a blowjob-induced downfall of a president. Pete was parked on a bike rack outside FloCo Fusion apartments when he saw his demise. Upon leaving for winter break, Pete’s owner was too absorbed in packing up both his two-disc, collector’s edition Napoleon Dynamite box set and his 16-piece Settlers of Catan-themed dinnerware to remember Pete sitting outside in the snow. Pete remained on the bike rack as his owner boarded the Megabus, greeted by a middle aged man smelling of three-day-old Mexican food and sporting numerous raisins throughout his seven-inch beard. Pete held on through Christmas and New Year’s, but it was the arctic blast from January 6th-8th that led to Pete’s demise. Though he was already covered in two inches of snow, Peter only really started going downhill when his gears began to freeze. Ernest Pennypacker, Ph.D. in Nerd Studies, estimates that the gears began to freeze over at 7 a.m. Sunday morning and completely froze shut at 1 a.m. early Monday morning. Alone, frozen, and scared, Pete awaited his death. The rest of his thin frame quickly froze over too, leaving him immobile and near death. Authorities officially pronounced Pete the Peugeot

dead at 8:51 a.m. central time on Monday January 6, 2014. Upon hearing about the death of his bike, Pete’s owner quickly took another dysfunctional Megabus ride to pay his respects to the vehicle that provided him transportation to class, to the liquor store, and allegedly to Sex World in downtown Minneapolis on more than one occasion. The owner declined to comment on this manner blaming his “grief-struck mind.” While paying respects, the best moments in Pete’s life were shared. Not surprisingly, this birth of his son Timmy the Tricycle took the number one spot. Pete loved his son dearly and even supported his conquest to become the first ever tricycle used in the Tour de France. After being denied due to his extra wheel, Timmy spiraled into a depression topped with major self-loathing. Timmy hit rock bottom when he wore spiked bracelets, didn’t leave the house without 10.3 pounds of chains, and religiously listened to Good Charlotte. Pete later helped Timmy rediscover a purpose in life and the pair extensively studied Buddhism towards the end of Pete’s life. Pete’s first trip to the liquor store took a close second on the list of the best moments in his life. Deciding to shake things up and try a cheaper liquor store, Pete’s owner rode him across the 10th Avenue Bridge, through the West Bank campus and into the Cedar Riverside neighbor-

hood. Pete’s U-lock was forgotten on the floor in the FloCo apartment, and leaving Pete unlocked was not an option considering the surroundings. Pete was awkwardly dragged into the liquor store hitting every door on his way, nearly breaking the glass already held together by duct tape. The store owner, a young man with dread locks and an NWA t-shirt,

stared with eyes dripping with judgment. Pete sat quietly in the corner while his owner picked out his Coors Light with his tail between his legs. The world lost not only a great vehicle, but also a great friend. Those interested in supporting Pete’s family can either donate Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, Walmart

gift cards, or pocket-sized Buddhas by contacting Buzz at www.getrichfast.com or by sending money via Western Union to Buzz’s associate Dalton, in Knoxville, Tennessee. It was requested that donators include their social security number with all donations for book keeping purposes. They thank you in advance for your cooperation sympathy.

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THE TRAGIC DIARY OF A GIRL WITH NO INTERNET

FRESHMAN OVERLOOKED FOR VIKINGS HEAD COACH JOB

STUDENT GROUNDED FOR BAD FALL SEMESTER GRADES

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Student Receives Pulitzer Prize After Award Winning Journalism About Dinkytown BY: DAVID ZIRINSKY Last spring Alex Matthews, a communications sophomore at the University of Minnesota, wrote an article titled, “The Best Places for Pizza Around Campus.” Initially, only a few hundred students trying to pass time in class read the article in The Campus Inquirer, but a few months later the piece exploded across the internet as people tweeted nonstop about Alex’s journalistic breakthrough. “From how cheesy a slice was to the consistency of the crust, Alex hit everything the reader needed to know about pizza,” said his Inquirer editor J. Jonathan Jameson. He added, “This piece really was well thought-out, no minute detail was missed. Most writers just talk about selection and price, not this guy. He even listed the size of the water cup each establishment offered, just to be thorough.” After the article hit big, the people at Columbia University who administer the Pulitzer Prize, started to notice Alex’s work. “I was up against a lot of good journalism. From documentation of voting irregularities in Bangladesh to the Syrian genocide… er, I mean ‘civil war,’ the competition was intense,” said Alex. “But in the end I think they recognized my work and how it really exposed the pizza scene around here.” To the surprise of few, Alex won. However, some are not so please.

“This changed the whole pizza game here,” said Campus Pizza manager Tony Snell. “You’d be surprised how many more people come here just for our large water cups. Used to be kids just wanted to watch the girls, now all they can look at are those damn cups.” “Students started calling out our bullshit. It was bad,” said a Punch Pizza franchise owner who wished to remain anonymous. “Kids started realizing we were serving tiny pizzas with little cheese and charging them $7 for it. We told them it was Neapolitan pizza, but Alex looked up a damn Wikipedia article and noticed that usually Neapolitan pizza has a normal amount of cheese. Now kids are asking us to put cheese on our pizzas. The nerve of these people! If we started doing that, we would be spending eighty cents on each pizza instead of fifty cents.” Another anonymous source in the pizza industry noted, “After Alex’s article our customers started realizing we were marketing a food that emerged from one of Italy’s poorest regions, then marking it up considerably to gouge college students’ parents’ wallets. This article was a real game changer.” Even patrons have begun complaining. Many students now feel judged for their dining habits, as they were still going to Mesa pizza after Alex pointed out that $3.75 is a ridiculous price for a little bit of dough, marinara sauce, and cheese.

Some have even questioned if Alex was worthy of the Pulitzer Prize. A week earlier another student had written an article about pizza price fixing in The Minnesota Daily that no one had cared to read. Additionally, the week after Alex was published a huge burrito cartel was exposed on campus. “I think the fact remains that Dinkytown is about four square blocks, but this is really something that

deserves national news,” Alex said about his article. “I think this will be an iconic piece of literature for generations to come.” At press time, Alex was working on what he hoped to be his second masterpiece about the lack of hot females at Dinkytown bars, a subject sure to engage passionate internet trolls on the comments section.

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THINGS TO REPLACE THE METRODOME BY: MEGAN FELZ

The Diary of a Girl

WITH NO INTERNET BY: ALEXANDRA ADAMS In a tragic string of events, earlier this month, UMN junior Miranda , whose name has been changed to protect the innocent, was without internet for almost an entire day. We’re told that initially her smart phone was ran over by a snowplow, then, upon returning to her tiny hometown, her family’s modem and router suffered a complete failure. With nothing but books, board games, and family left to entertain her, Miranda turned to journaling. Shit got weird. 9:05 a.m.: Dear journal, our home internet has been out for several unbearable minutes. To make matters far worse, my parents refuse to get me another smartphone until I can save up for it myself. I find this wildly and atrociously unfair. They claim that it’s “justified” since in the last few months I left one in a taxi, vomited upon the next, and finally lost my new 5s in the middle of a Dinkytown cross street (probably the one by DrunkDonald’s, but really, who’s to say?) 10:04 a.m.: It has now been ten minutes and I can’t tweet, snapchat, or even iMessage about my incredible pain. There is nothing in which I can type #fml, and it’s the worst because I’m pretty certain I forgot how to do real emotions. 11:13 a.m.: I’ve allowed my younger siblings to tell me about high school for the last hour and it has been excruciating. It’s hard to remember how we all even survived those four years

of boredom and cut-throat social standards. If I had my stupid smartphone I could just have them text me these stories so I could promptly ignore them. To escape this conversation I announce that I will be taking a long bath, possibly two hours or something. 11:36 a.m.: In a bathtub now. There are bubbles. It’ s thoroughly disinteresting. This is why I normally put my iPhone in a plastic bag and surf the web while showering. 12:00 p.m.: Damn, it’s only noon? I really thought after shaving my already quite hairless legs, I’d have killed more time than that, sheesh. What do people without phones do all day? THIS IS MADNESS. MADNESS, I TELL YOU. 12:05 p.m.: I shall take a nap that will hopefully last until tomorrow. Before I lay down, I pause to pray, I know I’m not so good at religion, but if you’re up there Steve Jobs, please save me from this hell. Amen. 3:59 p.m.: Dammit. Already awake. 4:15 p.m.: I intercut my worry by running in circles for several minutes. It’s actually sort of fun. Sort of. 4:30 p.m.: My mother wants me to help her make dinner. and I suggest we look up some gorgeous food close-ups on Pintrest for inspiration, but then I remember my horrible, horrible

dilemma and tear up immediately. Even if we did cook something pretty, I’d have no medium with which to prove my adorable domesticy-ness. 7:00 p.m.: For the last few hours I have been angrily knitting mittens. You know what sucks serious balls? Knitting anything, that’s what. 7:52 p.m.: I’ve run out of friends to knit shit for. Hmm, the words “knit” and “shit” kind of rhyme. I should write a poem. 8:00 p.m.: Poem has gone awry. I have crumpled it up and thrown it in the corner. My dog keeps looking at it like he wants to eat it, but I have other ideas for my little furry friend. 8:30 p.m.: I have now, much to his dismay, dressed my dog in various items of my own clothing. He looks so goddamn cute, also a little miserable, but mostly cute. Unfortunately a second ago, I realized it doesn’t even matter because I can’t Instagram it. The pain is so real. I think I’m dying. I really do.

The Metrodome’s going down, and we’re yelling timber. With the toppling of the Metrodome, Vikings fans and avid dome enthusiasts are catapulted into a new era. But let’s not be too hasty in replacing such a vital piece of Minnesota architecture with just any old football stadium. Let’s take the time to really think what should fill the void that the Metrodome will leave us with. The Black Sheep is here to offer up some suggestions to the city of Minneapolis, and urge them to consider all the possibilities before coming to a final decision. 10.) A Giant Trampoline: How great would it be to have a 300 ft. by 300 ft. trampoline at your disposal? As great as having enough Jell-O to last you a lifetime? As great as having a pet monkey that knows how to play “Bennie and the Jets” on the piano? As great as finding an unopened bag of Crispy M&Ms? We’re just going to say “all of the above.” 9.) An Anti-Gravity Chamber: Gravity is so 20th century. Things tend to be that much more exciting when the laws of physics aren’t working against you. For real, why go on a Segway tour when you can experience Minneapolis in zero-g’s? 8.) A Sex Paraphernalia Department Store: There’s a lot of weird sex stuff out there and sometimes you don’t know what you want until you see it. Instead of going to that mildly sketchy third party website and buying a mildly sketchy third party dildo, check out this department store to ensure that the product you’re buying wasn’t previously used by an ex-hooker. 7.) A Hockey Arena: It’s no secret that we’re better at hockey than we are at football. It’s basically our civic duty to help lay the foundation for a space in which we can capitalize on our strengths instead of drowning in the sorrows of yet another defeat within the last two minutes of a game. 6.) A Laser Tag Arena: The sensual black light not only serves the purpose of highlighting the cum stains on your futon, but also creates the perfect ambience for an epic laser tag battle. Not only is laser tag America’s unofficial past-time (closely followed by Nerf battles and equestrian), but it also provides the perfect opportunity to pretend you’re a spy, which is always a good time. 5.) An Exotic Bird Sanctuary: Minnesota, being the tundra that it is, tends to be somewhat lacking in the diversity of its exotic bird population. Chances are that the closest anyone from Minnesota has come to seeing an exotic bird is the Toucan on the back of a Froot Loops box. With this addition to the Twin-Cities, ornithologists and poultry supporters will finally have an opportunity to practice their Puffin mating calls. 4.) A Monster Truck Rally Arena: If WWE and Transformers had a love child, it would most certainly be a monster truck rally. Seriously, what could possibly be more satisfying than watching a fourwheeled behemoth beat up on a bunch of junkyard cars and speed over numerous dirt dunes? Nothing, that’s what. 3.) A Giant Space Heater: For the majority of the year, Minnesota feels colder than eating a whole pack of Dippin’ Dots in one minute. Solution: Giant space heater. Walking outside in sub-zero temperatures will never be a more pleasant experience.

9:00 p.m.: The world is nothing. I have nothing. My parents keep walking by my room in concern but it doesn’t matter. NOTHING MATTERS.

2.) A Second Spam Museum: At the moment, there is only one Spam Museum in the whole state of Minnesota. Now, what’s the problem with that statement? Answer: there’s only ONE. There are very few products that simultaneously represent the canned meat industry and Minnesota better than good ole’ Spam, and it deserves to be recognized in all its glory.

10:19 p.m.: Smashing dishes. Smashing all of the dishes. WHAT CAN I DESTROY NEXT, WORLD? YOU’VE ALREADY DESTROYED ME.

1.) Another Lake: If you think we’re going to settle for just 10,000 lakes, then you better chiggity check yourself because having too many lakes isn’t a thing. Even though it would be quite the task to change the license plates from “10,000 Lakes” to “10,001 Lakes”, it’s a necessary bump in the road (pun intended) if we plan on maintaining our street cred (pun intended again) in the realm of quantities of lakes.

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ON THE STREETS WHAT WOULD A REALITY TV SHOW STARRING YOU BE CALLED? ior H a n n a h , Se n

“You Better Work, B*tch”

ior Mamrie, Jun

“Awkward, I guess?”

r Grace, Senio

“Food & Booze”


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Freshman Upset He Was Overlooked for Vikings Head Coach Job BY: MATHEW KENNEDY

After another disappointing season, the Minnesota Vikings took action by firing Leslie Frazier as head coach. University of Minnesota freshman Robert Weinke took this opportunity to apply for the job, but was denied an interview completely. He was, however, granted an interview with The Black Sheep for a total-access view on why he would be the perfect answer to the woes of Minnesota. TBS: Robert, why do you think you could help the Vikings? Weinke: What couldn’t I do? The Vikings are the epitome of dunderfuckery when it comes to football. I’ve watched almost every game this last year, ask my roommate if you don’t believe me. I’m always telling him what should and could happen. Usually, he just says “shut up,” but sometimes he really listens. TBS: What makes you feel like you can handle the stress of being a head coach in the NFL? Weinke: A lot of things. I grew up in a stressful environment. Playing thirdstring quarterback for a small-town high school team can bring a lot of stress to someone. You always have to think about every scenario. What if I have to play? Will I be able to perform in front of a crowd of dozens? How much alcohol would I have to put into the ugliest cheerleader to get her to make out with me? There are just a lot of things to think about. Oh, and football stuff too, like defenses.

TBS: God, this was a mistake of an interview… Weinke: What? TBS: Nothing. What would you do about the dreadful situation at quarterback? Weinke: God, my grandma with Alzheimer’s and three legs would be a better option then what the Vikings have currently. But, in all actuality, I’d probably end up getting Peyton Manning or Tom Brady or something. Some quarterback that averages like 38 points a game. TBS: You realize that they are already on a team, right? Like, this isn’t fantasy football…That type of stuff wouldn’t be what you’re doing. Weinke: Oh, it isn’t? Okay, I guess I could get Pablo Sanchez. He was a beast in Backyard Football computer games. TBS: You mentioned that you “played” football in high school. What have you accomplished since you retired? Weinke: A lot of things, really. I’m a part of three fantasy football leagues, I finished 8th, 7th, and 5th this year! I’ve played as a virtual quarterback in Madden on PS3. Oh, and I passed CLA 1001. TBS: The NFL is filled with the best coaches and smartest football

minds in the world. What makes you think you can clash with the brilliant minds such as Bill Belichick or the Harbaughs? Weinke: Please, brilliant minds? These guys can’t coach for shit! First of all, they are constantly punting it on fourth down! Only noobs do that in Madden! Go for it every time! Also, you realize everyone runs those different plays and whatnot? There are like six plays on Madden that will work every single time you run them. Stick to those. TBS: If, hypothetically, you were given the Vikings job, what type of culture would you bring to the place? Weinke: Tons of shit. First, there would be cheerleaders EVERYWHERE. Like, you can’t look anywhere without seeing at least one. Second, the players would follow my own personal lifting regime. Basically, that means that they go to the Rec once a week just to take pictures in the mirror and play basketball. Besides that, everything would be the same. Oh, and all the players need to tweet me back on Twitter! TBS: How were you denied an interview? Weinke: I sent an email, but received a response telling me that the Make-AWish foundation could set me up with something allowing me to be coach for a day or something, so I think it was the wrong address.

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The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT

UV FISHBOWLS ARE BACK! $10 32oz Pitchers $19 64oz Fishbowls

SATURDAY: 9pm - Close: $3 Domestic Bottles 9pm - Midnight: $3 You-Call-It Shots $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am

WEDNESDAY: Wings N Things $0.39 Wings: 4pm - 10pm 2-4-1 Drinks (9-Close)

Thursday 1/23

COLLEGE THURSDAYS 8pm - Close: All you care to drink! $6 Bottomless Domestic Beer, $10 Bottomless Rails and Domestic Beers $1 Orange bombs, $3 Jack and Soco

9pm - Close: $3 Coors Light, $3 Long Islands, $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am

Karaoke Thursdays! $2 You Call It Drinks and $3 Shots from 10-close.

Friday 1/24

8pm - Close: $4 3 Olives vodka $5 3 Olives Flavored long islands $2 Mini Bombs (jager, cherry, orange)

8pm - Close: $3 Mich. Golden Light Pints $3 Rails, Live Music 10pm - Close $3 Grape Apes, $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am

$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close

Saturday 1/25

8pm - Close: $4 Bacardi Drinks $2 Mini Bombs (jager, cherry, orange)

9pm - Close: $3 Domestic Bottles 9pm - Midnight: $3 You-Call-It Shots $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am

$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close

Sunday 1/26

Closed on Sundays

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Sunday Funday! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 4pm - Close

Monday 1/27

Mason Jar Monday 8pm-close: $3 Double Jack, Soco, or Rails, and Bud and Bud Light Taps $5.00 Bud and Bud Light Pitchers $10.00 Bud and Bud Light Towers

8pm - Close: $3 Coors Mugs $5 Jameson Gingers All Day Pizza for Pennies! Buy any large pizza and get the 2nd pizza for $0.99

Flippin' Drinks! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 9pm - Close

Tuesday 1/28

8pm-close: $3 U Call Its Rails, Calls,and Every Beer on Tap (items subject to tax)

8pm - Midnight: Shamrock Burgers 8pm - close: $5 Domestic Lite Pitchers, $5 Margaritas, $3 Tequila Shots

Birthday Karaoke Night! Bring in 5 Friends 21+ & The Birthday Person Drinks for Free! (excludes shots & top shelf) $3 Tier 1 Mugs, $4 Tier 2 Mugs $3 Long Island Pints

Wednesday 1/29

8pm - Close: $0.25 Wings w/ College or Military ID $0.50 wings w/ out ID or Wristband $8 AYCD: Rails, Miller Lite Tap, Bacardi Oakheart $1.50 High life tall boys

8pm - close: $5 for one pound of boneless wings, $2 for 1’s

Wings N Things $0.39 Wings: 4pm - 10pm 2-4-1 Drinks (9-Close)


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WEDNESDAY: Amateur Night: Watch your sexy coeds on stage for the first time compete for $200! Contest Starts at 11:30pm Open to all Ladies

18+ $2 Tuesdays (domestic beer, well drinks) from 8am to close $2 drink specials cover after 9pm Drag Queen Bingo: 8pm - 10pm Diamond Diva Drag Show: 10pm - 2am

WED: No Cover! Kill The Keg: $5 Bottomless Miller High Life Taps $3 Miller Lite Bottles, $3 Vodka, $3 Captain $5 Pizzas 8pm-Midnight

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No Cover! $3 Cruzan Run $3 Budweiser Products, $3 Cruzan Rum and Svedka $6 Dozen Wings (7pm-Midnight)

Thursday 1/23

Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close

Twin Cities Hottest Male and Female Go Go Dancers! Happy Hour: 8am - 2am La Femme: 8pm - 1am Dance Annex: 9pm - 2am

$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles (7pm-10pm)

Friday 1/24

Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close

Come in for Dinner! All Six Bars are Open!

$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles (7pm-10pm)

Saturday 1/25

No Cover! Inventory Reduction Sunday (IRS) $3 Specials that change every Sunday from 7pm-Close $4 Miller Lite Tall Boys during every Minnesota Pro Baseball game

Sunday 1/26

NO COVER! 2-4-1 Drinks (rail & domestic beer) from 9pm to 1am Happy Hour: 8am - 2am Karaoke: 10pm - 2am

NO COVER! Happy Hour Drinks: 3:30pm-Close $3 Domestic Bottles, $3 Rail Drinks, $4 Specialty Bottles, $4 Call Drinks, $5 Top Shelf Drinks $0.35 Wings 8pm-11pm (Dine in only)

Monday 1/27

18+ $2 Tuesdays (domestic beer, well drinks) from 8am to close $2 drink specials cover after 9pm Drag Queen Bingo: 8pm - 10pm Diamond Diva Drag Show: 10pm - 2am

No Cover! Karaoke: 9pm-Close, Beer Pong $3 Budweiser Products and Well Drinks $3 Heineken, Heineken Light, Amstel Light & Dos Equis Bottles 7pm-midnight $5 Mini Burger Platter (7pm-11pm)

Tuesday 1/28

18+ (21+ no cover, 18-20 $5 cover) $3 Domestic Beers and Rail Drinks, $3.75 Heineken Amateur Drag Show and Trans Exotica Come in for Dinner!

No Cover! Kill The Keg: $5 Bottomless Miller High Life Taps $3 Miller Lite Bottles, $3 Vodka, $3 Captain $5 Pizzas 8pm-Midnight

Wednesday 1/29

Happy Hour 3-6PM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps $10 Bottomless Bloody Marys & Screwdrivers 10am-Midnight Happy Hour 3-6PM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps $10 Bottomless Bloody Marys & Screwdrivers 10am-Midnight Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-1AM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps

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Ladies Night! Free cover for all ladies Men: Wear any Deja vu or Hustler apparel and get in free!

Amateur Night: Watch your sexy $2 Half Pound Burgers 5-10pm coeds on stage for the first time Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-12AM: compete for $200! $2 Select Beers & Drinks Contest Starts at 11:30pm 1/2 Price Select Apps Open to all Ladies


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EXCLUSIVE UPDATE: UMN Student Grounded Forever for Bad Fall Semester Grades BY: HEATHER BERGLUND This just in: Sophomore at the University of Minnesota, Hailey Brant, is grounded forever for getting a D in her biology class. The Black Sheep has an exclusive interview with the parents of Brant, and the grounded college student herself.

cause I’m a chemical engineer and her mother is a marine biologist.

EMILY: You’re such a liar. Don’t add lying onto your rap sheet, young lady.

TBS: Well, biology isn’t chemistry.

HAILEY: Mom, I don’t have any friends.

EMILY: Well no, but--

The Black Sheep: Mr. and Mrs. Brant, thank you for your time. We understand that you’re letting Hailey out of her room just for this interview, correct?

TBS: To play devil’s advocate here, Mr. and Mrs. Brant, the University of Minnesota is known for its science departments, and even the lowerlevel courses are pretty hard to get through. And a D still gives her credit. So really, there’s no downside to this. One might say the two A’s even balanced it out.

DAVID: Then what was that picture I saw of you and your friend Beyonce partying two weekends ago?

David Brant: That’s right. Emily Brant: We took her iPad away from her. TBS: Her iPad? That’s a serious punishment. Cruel and unusual, even. What prompted you to stoop to this? DAVID: Well, her grades were very poor this semester. She got two A’s, but then a B and…well, even a D. EMILY: And we thought we raised her right! TBS: A “D”… as I understand, in her biology class. DAVID: That’s right. Which is odd, be-

EMILY: Absolutely not. Hailey could have gotten ten A’s and one D and it wouldn’t have made up for it. DAVID: She needs to realize that we are paying money to get her a good education. She needs to take it seriously and not party, like she did all semester, apparently. TBS: Hailey, did you spend all semester partying? Hailey Brant: I’ve never been to a single party in my life.

HAILEY: Dad, that was Photoshop. For my Photoshop course. Which I got an A in. TBS: A well deserved A, I might add. That was a very convincing photo. DAVID: Look, I don’t know who you are, but you don’t have the authority to come into my home and tell me how to raise my child. I’ve been raising Hailey for nineteen years just fine, thank you. EMILY: I’ve taken three child-raising courses at my local YMCA, I think I’m qualified. TBS: I was only trying to tell you that one D in her whole report card isn’t that bad-HAILEY: I’m an art major-DAVID: I don’t even remember asking

you to come here, young lady. How did you even get here? Did my secretary schedule this interview? I told Rebecca if she screwed up one more time… TBS: I’m going to ignore that very good question and continue with my own, since I’m the reporter. Hailey, do you think that your relationship with your parents affects your schoolwork? HAILEY: I mean, definitely. They won’t let me move out so they can monitor me all the time. Which means I don’t have friends, which means I don’t have anyone to study with. It makes me focus on academics, but at the same time, no one likes being an outcast at school. EMILY: How could you even say that, Hailey? DAVID: After all we’ve done for you?

love them.

talking about!

HAILEY: It’s everyone else’s fault but mine! It was my professor’s fault; he hated me!

TBS: That wasn’t what we were talking about this entire time?

EMILY: Wait, what? You never told us about this.

HAILEY: DID THE YMCA TEACH YOU HOW TO BUY YOUR CHILD’S LOVE?!?!?

HAILEY: Yeah mom, he totally hated me. Something about hanging out with Beyonce or something. That’s why he gave me a D.

TBS: I think we should take a break from this interview, I need to call my parents and tell them how much I

TBS: Well, at least he didn’t give you the DDAVID: Hey! That’s my daughter you’re

EMILY: After all we’ve bought for you?

EMILY: We would like to ask you to leave our home, ma’am. As The Black Sheep was leaving the oppressive Brant household, Hailey gave us another exclusive update. Apparently the D she received was actually an F, but she was too afraid to tell her parents she got a failing grade instead of a D. The Black Sheep doesn’t blame her in the slightest; they probably would have taken away her MacBook Air, too.

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Are You SMARTER

THAN?

1) Math: What is -12 x 6 / 3? 2) History: The Battle of Dunkirk occurred during what war? 3) Film: What actor was working as a carpenter before being discovered and casted by George Lucas? 4) Literature: What William Golding young adult novel prominently features a conch shell as a sign of dominance? 5) Hip-Hop: What artist has both the #1 and #4 best-selling hip-hop album of all time?

FELICIA, BARTENDER

DRINKING GAME

6) Food: Traditionally, chorizo is made with what type of meat? 7) Space: What country recently landed their first lunar rover on the moon? 8) America: Until 1820, Maine was part of what American state? 9) Currency: Egypt’s currency is a derivative of what European currency? 10) Religion: In Judaism, what separates a bar mitzvah and a bat mitzvah?

Felicia’s Answers

Correct Answers

1) Do I get a calculator? 2) WWI 3) Harrison Ford? 4) Lord of the Flies! 5) Jay Z 6) Pork? 7) Soviet Union 8) One of the east coast states 9) No idea 10) Boy or girl

1) -24 2) WWII 3) Harrison Ford 4) Lord of the Flies 5) Eminem 6) Pork 7) China 8) Massachusetts 9) English Pound 10) Gender

Felicia’s Score: 4 out of 10

RECIPE for DISASTER

Week WordSyllabus Calisthenics

Deep Fried Oreos

It's the are start of amake new semester everyone knowsslurred. haven’tWithout done shit all a week. Whywould start now? Words what this world,and even when they’re them, hammer literYou're to do it’d shitbe alla…it’d semester, so kick it offelse. the right withwordplay, this Syllabus ally notnot begoing a hammer, be something Workway on your withWeek beer!Drinking Game. This requires brining booze to class, so play smart. What You’ll Need: Beer, a creative mind. NO ACCOUNTING MAJORS ALLOWED. What You’ll Need: Booze. A lot of it. Number of Players: 2 Number of Players: Only one. flying asolo this time.to blowing them up into wordsmithLevel of Intoxication: You’ll goYou're from being wordsmith Level ereens.of Intoxication: Piss-your-pants-and-wake-up-at-Silver-Bullet drunk.

It’s a few weeks into the new year, and you know damn well that this means that “get fit” resolution is knee-deep in assorted chocolates and sweets that your grandma purposely gave you just to totally screw you over. Luckily, deep frying is always the best answer for shameful weight frustration.

- You purchased the wrong edition of the How How to to Play: Play: textbook. Take drink when: -Beginone by having one player say a 3-letter word. For example, “cat.” --The Youother missed that class on purpose. player must then name another 3-letter word that begins with the last letter of the -previous You lookword. like an idiot trying “cat” to find the right For example, becomes “tap.” Finish your drink when: - Youwith ask athe stupid andprevious the room falls room/building. -If a player names a word that both begins and ends last question letter of the word, -then Youthe have to expands look at by a map to For figure out ifsilent. word 1 letter. example, “cat” becomes “tot,” then the next word must - You look at your syllabus and find out you where to go.long and begin with “t.” be 4 letters have to drop $400 on books. -This continues until one player cannot name a word of the appropriate length. Take two drinks when: - The professor actually teaches a lesson and -No shortened words (“tat” for “tattoo,” for example), abbreviations or proper nouns are al- You realize you've been in the wrong class expects you to take notes. lowed. half-way through the lecture. - You get out of class 15 minutes early. -Words cannot be repeated. - You realize you have to participate in discus-Drink each time a player expands a word by a letter. Game Ends When: You drop out of school. sion sections. -Drink each time someone tries to use a word that has already been said. - You see there are three midterms, six essays Oops. -Drink each time a vulgarity is used. and a term paper. - You realize that girl you pathetically hit on It might not end well, but it'll be fun while it The Game Ends When: The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. Duh. at the bar last night is sitting next to you.. lasted! And hey, who plans for their future anyways? Have another!

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What You’ll Need: A bag of Oreos, 2 cups of biscuit mix, 2 eggs, 1.5 cups of milk (whole milk, don’t be a pussy), 3 teaspoons of oil, and enough vegetable oil to deep fry a small animal. Cook Time: About 10 minutes Fatty Factor: See: “deep fried.” Let’s Get Baked: - Mash up that biscuit mix with the eggs, milk, and the 3 teaspoons of oil until it’s as smooth as your roommate’s reaction after walking in on him “exploring” himself. - Preheat your deep fryer/pan to about 375° Fahrenheit, or Celsius if you’re feeling a little adventurous.* - Put the Oreos in the batter and soak those suckers up until you can smell the impending dissatisfaction. - Carefully toss the Oreos into the deep fryer/pan. - Once the Oreos are brown on one side, flip them over so the other side gets some action. - Scoop out the Oreos once they’re fried/burnt to your liking and let them cool/drain on a paper towel before shovin’ them in your mouth. It’s probably best to prep this one before you go out for the night. The Black Sheep has only played with a deep fryer once, and that’s all we can really say legally. *Seriously, don’t do that. We think your face looks better when it doesn’t have searing, explosive grease all over it.

NOMNOMNOMNOM THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM


THE BLACK SHEEP INTERVIEWS

THE CEREMONIES BY: BRENDAN


“We don’t tend to look at [The Ceremonies] as a band, but instead as

Do you have a sibling? Sure you do. Do you fight like two cats in a wet burlap sack? Duh. Well then, you’ll be shocked to know The Ceremonies—Matt, Michael and Mark—are brothers. In a band. And they’re all alive. That is, unless the fourth brother, Mitch, is buried somewhere. The California trio was nice enough to talk to us about their self-titled EP and upcoming tour, coming soon to a large metropolis near you.

fine art.”

The Black Sheep: How long have you three been playing music together? Matthew Cook: We began playing acoustically—not as an official band—at the start of high school. We were doing a lot of cover songs, playing for fun at local charities and gigs. We started playing officially—as a band—a couple of years later. TBS: Who proposed turning this into a real project? Matthew: I always had bands growing up, and my brothers Mark and Michael would fill in when we had absent band members. As they were finishing high school I was beginning college, and I had some songs written that I wanted to put together. All of a sudden it occurred to us that we had a band right in front of us, and we had never acted on it. TBS: So who decided the roles within the band? Matthew: Since I write the music, I know who is doing what from the get-go. I’ll think in my head, “Mike can do this, and Mark can do this,” but I also think about who can best do what on stage. We don’t have set parameters with who plays what. TBS: How would you describe yourself as a group? Matthew: Sonically, it’s a conglomeration of 80s Manchester new wave instrumentation and arrangement combined with a 60s traditional vocal harmonies with contemporary feel. That’s how we think of The Ceremonies sonically, but we don’t tend to look at it as a band, but instead as fine art. TBS: What do you mean it’s more fine art? Matthew: We think that the notion of a “band” is pigeonholing—that these are artists who sing and dance, it’s an act. It’s a limiting term. We’re more interested in concepts and carrying those out the best way we can. Music is our primary medium for that, but we definitely spend a lot of time painting and writing poems and making videos. The best comparison we can bring up is the Talking Heads and David Byrne. Stop Making Sense is a performance art piece. They integrate props to get your mind going. TBS: Having aspirations that just aren’t musical, how do you

deal with the business side of this? Matthew: We have control over our decisions. That’s something we really love about our labels, Atom Factory and Capitol, they let us make our decisions. For the most part we have a lot of freedom to carry out ideas as we see fit. TBS: How do you guys define success, then, as musicians? Matthew: The answer to that is changing daily. As artists we hope to affect as many people as we can. We hope to alter someone’s mindset, how to have a more open perspective and how to live more genuinely. Numbers on social media are the main medium bands have to see what their demographic is, so that’s what we look at. TBS: What was your creative approach to your self-titled EP, The Ceremonies? Matthew: The EP started with me writing a bunch of songs throughout high school and college—having these ideas in mind and maintaining this sense of childhood wonderment. I wanted to write music about finding sense of childhood within your inner adult. Then we met our producer Danny Garibay, brought him a bunch of those songs, and increased the production value. We decided which ones to put on the EP, and

put it together. TBS: You noted you’re the primary songwriter, but what does a discussion about creative decisions look like? Matthew: It’s been in the later stages. For example, with “Ballroom Bones” I had the demo recorded, and when we brought it to Danny we ended up adding a whole bunch of parts that became integral parts of the song. There’s a guitar line that became a big part of the song, and we decided on that together. Definitely there’s collaboration, but it happens later on. TBS: But how much change can happen when lyrics are a huge component to the tone of a song? Matthew: For sure, lyrics are important. For us, they’re at least 50% of the song—they hold the meaning. As an artistic collective that doesn’t want to be bound to the notion of just being a band, we hold a lot of our meaning in the song itself, which comes from the word. It’s interesting, though, a lot of people are selective listeners who listen more to the music than the words, and for those people there’s a process that has to be carried out where the atmosphere of the song has to match the lyrics. TBS: What goes into translating this live? Do you aim to have it be as close to the studio as you can, or do you want it to sound like the studio? Matthew: I think there are inevitable differences between the live sound and the recording. You have a lot more creative control with recording. We’re not interested in replicating the song on the record as much as we are creating a new experience live. It’s like, every time you read a book, you read it differently. It’s the same book you’re reading, but you paint different imagery in your mind. A song doesn’t have to be all new, but we like to pitch it in a new way. TBS: What’s your stage show like? Matthew: We’re going out on our second tour—this time with Glasvegas—from February to March. It’s not so much us trying to impress the audience as much as it is letting yourself get lost in the music. If you can do that, then the audience will feel like it’s musical theater or something—if you’re into it, the audience will feel it as well. TBS: Then what makes a good show or a bad show? Matthew: I guess just audience reaction. We’re really interested and committed to this idea of performing full-out. I’d rather sing a high note and have my voice crack than be too timid to go for the high note. We’re going for genuine emotion.


GUESS THE LOGO

Can you identify all the logos below? Email us at backpage@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’ve identified them all correctly, you’ll win a prize!


the crossword famous ash(ley)s ACROSS: 3) What is Ashton Kutcher’s real first name? 5) Ashley was the most popular girl’s name in the early 90s, but was eventually topped by which name? 6) The only daying service that promotes affairs, Ashley what? 7) The day of the week occuring 46 days before Easter, two words. 9) Ash Ketchum is the protagonist in what video game? 11) If you skin is dry, you say it’s what? 13) Ash tree’s scientific name. 16) The lip-syncing sister of Jessica Simpson.

what? 5) The sister’s Ashley, Naomi and Wynonna. 8) Ashley Greene’s Cullen name is the Twilight saga. 10) Not Ashley Olsen, the other one. 12) Ashley Furniture is headquartered in this state. 12) Who plays Ashley Schaeffer on Eastbound & Down? 14) Ashley Tisdale’s character in High School Musical. 15) The Emerald ash borer is what kind of insect?

DOWN: 1) Ashley Country is one of many dry counties in this state. 2) Ashley Parker Angel was a member of this 2000’s manufactured boy band. 4) ASH is the American Society of

THE

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Minnesota - Issue 1 - 1/23/2014