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The Black Sheep

BUZ FREE.. Z O . LIK NA E SUN C ATC DAY HIN MO G A RNI N G.

Vol. 6, Issue 12

THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE

4/17/14 - 4/23/14

WARMER WEATHER THREATENS MINNESOTA SMALL TALK DAVID ZIRINSKY WROTE THIS Meteorologists have confirmed that while Minnesota seems to be perpetually covered in ice, summer is approaching and soon change will be afoot. In the coming weeks, the sun will finally shine and the glaciers pocking the Minneapolis wasteland will recede. While most human beings who venture outdoors will welcome the news, one local staple will leave with the snow: Minnesota small talk. Without this social crutch— “shitty weather today, eh, Brad?”-- the Minnesota Nice conversation is as endangered by the warmth as the polar bears in the arctic. With the weather warming up, soon the casually awkward will be at the mercy of whatever random discussion topic they can come up with. “It was great for the last six months being able to bitch about the weather with every single person you were forced to meet,” awkward electrical engineering sophomore Bill Hambolton told us. “We could have a whole conversation without them asking me, ‘so are you over Janet yet?’ It was great. And no, I’m not over Janet yet.” Some students even noted that the past two weeks have seen the entirety of Keller Hall become quieter and quieter. “I only can get so much mileage asking about how nice the weather is. People don’t dig that, it’s not the same. It’s like going from cigarettes to the patch, I’ve never smoked so I have no idea what that’s like,” Japanese studies major Kurt Vonigan said adding, “Nothing brings people together more than hating something, and the state of Minnesota is a lot easier to hate on than Jenny from biology class.” The Black Sheep asked a local psychologist why weather is considered the best form of small talk. Professor Samantha Simpson told us, “Usually we recommend people talk about the weather, because, simply, no one gets in passionate fights about the weather. Great small talk.” She added, “You can have a whole hour-long conversation with someone without ever discussing anything of consequence and can leave in a mental state just as unstimulated as when you started your conversation.” While many weren’t so happy about the weather’s fading conversational relevance, other University of Minnesota students were quite happy, finally being able to talk about subjects like politics. “I just love getting my militant Republican friend riled up now that we have nothing else

to talk about,” said political science junior David Joshua adding, “He loves blabbering about abortion being equivalent to killing babies. So, I just like to point out he eats eggs every day at breakfast in Pio. Eggs are babies, man-- Baby chickens. Did you know that?”

those who talk to no one. “I really enjoyed coming to college because it’s so much easier than high school to avoid any sort of human interaction,” finance major Justin Kispert said. “In my large classes no one ever forces me to read out loud or work with my neighbor.”

One group will continue to be okay as the Minnesota small talk recedes--

It seems no matter what happens, some people find a way to win.

PAGE 5

PAGE 7

CLA TO INTRODUCE HOMELESSNESS MAJOR

LOCAL FRATERNITY GEARS UP FOR ANNUAL CASUAL

IT’S THE REVITALIZATION OF THE BEAT GENERATION, PEOPLE ARE SEEING IT EVERYWHERE.

TIME TO BREAK OUT THE PLASTIC CUPS AND T-SHIRTS.

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PAGES 12-13

JESUS OF BLAZERETH EASTER CONVENIENTLY LANDS ON 4/20 THIS YEAR, WHICH MADE US THINK SOME DEEP THOUGHTS, MAN.


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WHAT DOES YOUR FRENCH FRY OF CHOICE SAY ABOUT YOU? MEGAN FELZ WROTE THIS It’s pretty magical what can be done with a little oil, some potatoes, and a can-do attitude. Lucky for us, we live in a society where the French fry arsenal is bountiful and diverse. Not to mention, these bad boys have the power to bring people together, like that time you and your new roommate drunkenly bonded over a large order of deep-fried potato-y goodness from Five Guys. If you thought picking your favorite child was difficult, picking your favorite cut of French fry is that and more. But, once you do settle on the fried beauty that you couldn’t possibly live without, The Black Sheep is here to lend you some help in determining what that says about you and your personality. The Traditional Fry: A pioneer in the fried potato world. The French fry world wouldn’t be anything without this wonder. It’s timeless, just like you and your love of laser tag. Sometimes, you have a way of falling into certain patterns,

but just because people know you’re going to end your night at the bars by mooning the bouncer doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. The Wedge Fry: Your thick skin tends to make it difficult for people to get to know you. Much like the Wedge Fry, though you may get cold on the outside, your interior is always flaming hot, like Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. Not only does this correlate to your warm heart, but to your smokin’ hot bod as well. You’re strong and stable, and you’ve got the cojones to handle whatever unidentifiable meat Taco Bell throws at you. The Home Fry: Just when you think fried potatoes for breakfast aren’t socially acceptable, the Home Fry steps in. Much like this breakfast staple, you’re always down to wake and bake. Your eternal devotion to the ganj has fueled your curious nature. You have a constant need to know more, like what the secret ingredient in McDonalds’ Diet Coke is, or whether The Secret Life of the

American Teenager will ever return to the ABC Family line-up. The Sweet Potato Fry: Oh, the Sweet Potato Fry, the Richard Simmons of the French fry world: Trendy, health savvy, and orange. Similarly, you too have a draw to the health-conscious world and though your carrot-like exterior may imply that you’ve got a serious thing for beta-carotene, you like other vitamins too and have a club membership to the Vitamin Shoppe, which is cool because the “e” at the end makes you feel über classy. You try and stay up on all the latest DIY projects on Pintrest and religiously read those fashion magazines that manage to always throw in some quip about Kim Kardashian’s butt. The Crinkle-Cut Fry: This French fry is a total 90s throw back. The go-to snack food of roller rinks everywhere, the definitive crimp pattern present on this gem take you back to a time when crimped hair was cool and the Spice Girls were bumpin’. You’re the kind of

person to indulge in nostalgia and never falter when the opportunity to slap on some skates presents itself. Your love for the Backstreet Boys will never fade, and the shape of your heart will always have room for Crispy M&Ms and French Toast Crunch. The Waffle Fry: Your spacey nature is something that you and the Waffle Fry have in common. You’re the kind of person who forgets to push the button on the elevator and are stuck riding to the 18th floor when you needed to get off on the 6th, while, simultaneously, making awkward eye contact with the elderly couple gradually falling asleep while standing up next you. But who cares if you’re a little spacey? You also know how to make a bitchin’ plate of nachos, and who doesn’t love that? The Chili-Cheese Fry: This French fry goes balls-to-the-wall. Similarly, you don’t hold anything back. Whether it’s getting that XXL pizza or binge watching a whole season of House of Cards in one weekend,

you don’t half-ass anything. Rather than having to withstand the pressures of mounds of beef and gooey cheese, you feel the pressure from work, from school, or from the realty billboard starring down at you on the high way. You always come out on top, usually with a cool plaque raving about your foosball talent. The Curly Fry: Honestly, what could possibly be better than finding a surprise curly fry in whatever non-curly fry plate you’ve got in front of you? The rebellious nature of this treasure resonates with that fact that you aren’t afraid to

march to the beat of your own drum. You’re an unexpected surprise, like an elephant who can paint self-portraits. Yeah, maybe you were the kid who ate glue in kindergarten and wore their pants inside-out that one time in fifth grade, but it’s people like you who highlight the weirdness of life. Now that you’ve been given your French fry patronus, it’s up to you to use this knowledge wisely. Seriously, who needs a therapist to psychoanalyze you when you have French fries? When push comes to shove, you are what you eat.

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AROUND CAMPUS

THE

TOP

TEN

WORST FORTUNE COOKIES FROM 17th AVE DINING HALL CORA NEISEN WROTE THIS

CLA TO INTRODUCE

INNOVATIVE HOMELESSNESS MAJOR ARON WOLDE WROTE THIS Next semester the University of Minnesota’s College of Liberal Arts will be offering courses in its new Homelessness Program. A major based on the understanding and lifestyle of today’s liberal arts alum, the department will ensure that today’s CLA graduates will be prepared for today’s CLA job market. Buster McHolt, the head of the Homelessness Program, had originally graduated from the U with an English major and a calligraphy minor 12 years ago. Since then Buster has been moving from city to city as a vagabond. “You know, the worst part of the whole thing was that I never got to use my English degree,” said McHolt. “Also, pooping. Can’t tell you how much time is spent finding toilets.” Restroom scavenging and many other courses will be taught next semester, McHolt hopes that these classes will ensure no CLA student goes through the same things he did. “I just want to prepare these kids,” he noted.

“IT’S THE REVITALIZATION OF THE BEAT GENERATION, PEOPLE ARE SEEING IT EVERYWHERE.” On the CLA website the description of the new major claims, “A degree in homelessness allows for students to move in the fast-paced lifestyle of not being socially useful.” Unlike other CLA majors, students in this field plan on becoming jobless rather than just falling into the lifestyle. Skills the major includes are: Gay for pay, strategic begging, and garbage bag clothing design. While the major is new to the University of Minnesota, it’s been available at other schools around the country. ASU started their program back in 2010, and since then they have made it a requirement for all liberal arts students. Tina Hadulg, a sophomore political science major, thought the major was unnecessary

until she started taking her first classes. “There are actually a lot of interesting things you learn in HS (homelessness studies). Before I took my urban typography class I thought all handmade signs were the same, now I know they’re all slightly different, but pretty much the same.” “It’s the revitalization of the beat generation, people are seeing it everywhere,” McHolt notes, “and with this new major we’ll be able to teach kids how to survive.” Classes in homelessness studies include: Introduction to Social Trampism, Dumpster Diving, and Introduction to Economics. “I can’t imagine living without the information I’ve learned in class, people will give you a song and dance routine about money, but now, thanks to my Street Movement class, I know an actual song and dance routine for money. It’s pretty amazing, uh, spare a nickel?” said appreciative sophomore Pete Kliner. The major is considered so groundbreaking, many students are pondering masters or PhDs in the field.

It’s always an exciting day when 17th is serving make-your-own Mongolian stir-fry. Not only is it like you’re at Mongo’s, they usually have fortune cookies to end the meal. It’s exciting until you open the cookie only to find you’ve been so royally ripped off that you deserve $100 in Flex Dine for free. We feel your pain, so we compiled a list of the worst fortunes one can find at 17th. 10.) “You don’t have to know what you want to do with your life.”: REALLY?! Because every other godforsaken assignment, lecture, and message in college tells us that if we don’t get five internships, two volunteer positions, three summer jobs and a Nobel Prize before we graduate we probably won’t find a job, in which case we will end up living in a filing cabinet in Van Cleve Park for the rest of our lives. 9.) “You’ll never have a nicer car than you have right now.”: Well, alright. Apparently you shouldn’t aspire to do any better than a beat-up 1996 Nissan Sentra with a two-foot hole in the bumper from that time you backed straight into your garage door because you were so excited to get a Crunch Wrap Supreme. 8.) “You’re a productive member of society.”: We all know that’s bullshit. 7.) “Aim high, time flies.”: Oh, so watching five hours of The Office in silk pants and a moldy flannel isn’t aiming high enough? We all understand quite well that time flies when we roll over to get out of bed and it’s already three in the afternoon. 6.) “When it is dark enough, you can see stars.”: We would like to extend a huge bravo to 17th as well as all the UDS workers for this one. Who knew that when it gets dark out you can see stars? Thank you for gracing us with this wisdom via a fortune cookie. 5.) “A can of worms won’t open itself.”: Okay, see we thought that a mass of invertebrates with a brain the size of a pinhead could go ahead and open up the can and escape. We were also under the impression that the can could magically open from an act of voodoo, so we’re glad we got this all cleared up. 4.) “Hugs are life’s rainbows.”: If by hug you guys meant a multicolored arc formed from a phenomenon in Earth’s atmosphere caused from both the refraction and reflection of light particles which can be observed from a point in the atmosphere containing water particles and the sun is shining at a low altitude angle, then yes! We’re totally on the same page. 3.) “You will be hungry again in one hour.”: Gee, thank you for making us feel bad about the fact that after eating five pieces of pieces of pizza, a Philly cheesesteak sandwich, two plates of fries, and a bowl of ice cream we’re going to go order a Papa John’s pizza and a Jimmy John’s sub. We can’t all have Beyoncé’s body, so why even try? 2.) “Do not worry about the upcoming test you have.”: Thank you, little scrap of paper for telling us that we don’t have to stay up until 3 a.m. for the next week and subsequently consume enough coffee for all of the university’s white girls in a 72-hour period. Thank you for informing us that we don’t have to worry about mastering the make up of Earth’s interior based on how P and S waves propagate through the molten outer core, or the function of a degenerate ellipse with one vertex at an infinitely distant point. We’ll take it easy. 1.) “The next year will bring many surprises.”: Yeah, about that STD test…

The demand for more information on the subject of academic homelessness has also spurred the creation a lecture series. Current homeless person Lester Richardson has been traveling from state to state discussing his new field of study. Before he became a well-known lecturer, Richardson was living on the streets of New York as a professional tramp. Richardson is addicted to heroin and is very jumpy, so his lectures often show real-world applications of the major. Many undergrads have been flourishing from his teachings. Pete Kilner was one of these students. “I thought it was amazing, his comments on the economics on contemporary America were great,” Kilner noted, “I also loved when he told us how to cut a bitch.”

05


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ON THE STREETS WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE OBSCURE WORD, AND WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF IT? Lynzi, Sophomore

“Hegemony, it means indirect form of government.”

Christina, Junior

“Brutal, bro, it means stuff happens.”

Sam, Sophomore

“No, means definitely not yes.”


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LOCAL FRATERNITY GEARS UP FOR ANNUAL CASUAL MATHEW KENNEDY WROTE THIS

It’s springtime here in Minnesota, and that means two things: ‘shroom season and Greek formal season. And if you aren’t into seeing the ghosts of your past by eating a plant, then you’re definitely excited about formals. All over Facebook, one can see pictures and posts about how great it was to drive to a remote cabin and drink copious amounts of alcohol. However, one fraternity has decided to switch it up this year. Sigma Alpha Epsilon has announced that this weekend they will hold their first-ever spring casual.

“We didn’t really want to spend too much,” Bougard said, “I mean, times are tough. We don’t have to show off our wealth all the time. Sometimes, we just really like to be modest and have a good time without having to tell the world, you know?” The location of the event will be a bit unusual as well. Instead of having the event in a hotel or at a cabin, the event will be held in the lounge of Pioneer Hall.

“We’re looking for ways to freshen up the Greek experience,” said SAE member Thomas Bougard. “Every year seems to be the same thing. We dress up to get messed up at some random cabin in the middle of the woods. So, we decided to make a change to the system.”

“Gas is just really expensive these days,” Bougard mentioned, “So, why not have the event at a place that we know? A place to which we don’t have to travel? It’ll be fun – kind of like a sleepover… in a way. But, like, definitely not a lame type, you know?”

The causal is being described as something completely new to Greek life. With a sweatpants and t-shirt dress code, members will have low-key pictures taken while drinking very cheap alcohol.

Local independent student Mason Jackson is not impressed with the movement.

“Basically, it’s just the complete opposite of what a formal is,” Bougard remarked. Word of the spring casual has spread quickly across campus. Girls everywhere have been getting more and more excited, hoping that they’ll get asked. “I think it would be a lot of fun,” sophomore Stacy Johnson said. “Us girls don’t really like getting dressed up that much. It would be nice to be able to dress casually and just hang out and get to know these great guys in these fraternities.” Alcohol has already been ordered for the event. SAE has reportedly ordered several cases of Boxer beer alongside several handles of Ron Diaz rum.

“It’s just these fraternity guys asking for more and more attention,” Jackson whined. “I mean, of course that’s what they’re doing. All these fraternities care about is getting attention and showing how cool they are. I didn’t rush and I still have fun. I don’t need to be a douche like the guys there and go to cool parties and get a ton of girls and whatnot. Like that’s just not what I’m about. We throw cool parties in our dorms all the time and people always have a blast. We could probably have our own casual here. We don’t need to be in a frat to have fun.” Jackson later spent his time looking up fraternity jokes online. As for the SAE casual, it will be held next weekend. Complimentary sleeping bags and toothbrushes will be given to all guests, along with an additional hot chocolate or coffee selection for three dollars.

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Thursday 4/17

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Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close

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9pm - Close: $3 Domestic Bottles 9pm - Midnight: $3 You-Call-It Shots $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am

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Tuesday 4/22

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Monday 4/21

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Sunday 4/20

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8pm - close: $5 for one pound of boneless wings, $2 for 1’s

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Are You SMARTER

THAN?

1) Historical Quotes: What day is known as “a day that will live in infamy”? 2) Politics: Who ran against and lost to Bill Clinton in the 1996 presidential election? 3) Art: Guernica, a painting by this artist, depicts the bombing of the eponymous city during the Spanish Civil War. 4) Beer: Red Stripe, of “Hooray beer!” fame, is brewed in, and distributed out of, what country? 5) Science: What is the name of the process by which plants convert light to energy?

MEGAN of BLARNEY STONE DRINKING GAME Easter Egg Bombs It’s time for everyone’s favorite holiday, Easter! It’s so great! There’s candy and eggs and creepy bunnies and dye that never comes off your fingers! How amazing! Let’s get drunk! What You’ll Need: 5-dozen eggs, shot glasses and your favorite tequila. Number of People: As many as you want. Level of Intoxication: May the eggs be ever in your favor. How to Play: - Take about a half-hour and hard boil half of those eggs. For those of you who are keeping track, that’s 30 eggs. If you don’t know how to do this, call your mom or ask the Google. - Once the eggs are done, give them a chance to cool. Toss them in the refrigerator. Otherwise, it’s going to be really easy to tell which ones are hard boiled and which ones aren’t. - When everything’s cool, take out the egg cartons and place them on the table. - One by one, blindly pick one egg from all of the cartons. Hand it to the person next to you and have them throw it at you from ten or so feet away. - If it breaks, that sucks! Take a shot of tequila too, so you can further embarrass yourself. - If it doesn’t break, you got lucky this time. Have the next person draw an egg and continue on. The Game Ends When: All the eggs are gone, and you guys could make a mean-ass omelet with shit on your face.

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6) Music: TV sitcom Friends’ opening credits featured, “I’ll be There for You,” a song by what group? 7) Bankrupt Companies: What bookstore went from a high of 511 stores country-wide in 2010 to going defunct in 2011? 8) Sports: Who has the #1 overall pick in the 2014 NFL draft? 9) Literature: What book famously opens with, “It was a pleasure to burn.”? 10) Movies: In the edited-for-TV version of this movie, “You see what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!” is edited to be, “You see what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps!”

Megan’s Answers

Correct Answers

1) Sep. 11th 2) Bob Dole 3) Frida Kahlo 4) United States 5) Photosynthesis 6) The Rascals 7) Barnes & Noble 8) Packers 9) Fahrenheit 45110) The Simpsons Movie

1) Dec. 7, 1941, or the bombing of Pearl Harbor 2) Bob Dole 3) Pablo Picasso 4) Jamaica 5) Photosynthesis 6) The Rembrants 7) Borders 8) Houston Texans 9) Fahrenheit 451 10) The Big Lebowski

Megan’s Score: 3 out of 10

RECIPE for DISASTER Simple, Sexy Sugar Cookies Oh god, these aren’t the ones from the tube? You mean, like, I have to measure stuff? But… uh…what about, I mean do you think the store is open so we can just go get a tube of them? Do we even have flour? Why did we wait until 2a.m. to do this, Karen? What You Need: 2 ¾ cups flour, 1 tsp baking soda, ½ tsp baking powder, 1 ½ cups white sugar, 1 cup of butter, 1 egg, 1 tsp vanilla extract Cook Time: 25 minutes Fatty Factor: SHUT UP KAREN, I NEED THE SUGAR TO HELP ME STUDY. Let’s Get Baked: -Preheat your oven to 375 degrees. -Melt the cup of butter in a saucepan over very low heat. -In a bowl, mix together the flour, baking soda and baking powder. -In another bowl mix the melted butter and sugar together until smooth. -Beat egg and vanilla into the butter and sugar mix. -Gradually blend dry mixture into the butter mix. -Roll into about one dozen balls. Slightly smoosh them, and place the smooshed balls onto a parchment paper-covered baking sheet. -Bake in oven for 8-10 minutes. -The cookies will be soft when you pull them. This is normal. Don’t continue cooking past 12 minutes, or you’ll burn the bottoms. -Let rest for at least 5 minutes. Try to eat just one. Really, try, because you’ll fail. You’ll fail and everyone will think you’re a big fat fatty (because you are.)

NOMNOMNOMNOM THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM


Jesus Of

h t e r e z Bla ote this Nic Kanaar wr


jesus of blazereth

This year, Easter Sunday lands conveniently on 4/20, a date that usually stands on its own as a holiday for stoners worldwide. This got The Black Sheep thinking; what if Jesus was the pot-smoking, sandal-wearing, Wakarusa attendee that he resembles in all of those pictures hanging in our grandmother’s living room? Our speculation turned into certainty, and now we present you with some of your favorite New Testament stories if Jesus of Nazareth was a tokin’ Messiah.

The Temptation of a Tripping Jesus After Jesus and John the Baptist frolicked in the water in a “no homo” kind of way, Jesus decided to head into the Judean Desert to fast for forty days and nights. Also to smoke some weed and take a bunch of peyote. Twenty minutes into his trip, Satan appeared to Jesus in the form of what would later be known as a “Venice Beach roller skater.” The devil, who was wearing a tank top and cut-off jean shorts, looked down at the hungry Jesus. “If you are the son of God, command these stones to become loaves of bread, or nah?” Satan said. “Nah.” the Son of God replied. The devil shrugged and danced while waving glow sticks in a figure eight pattern, as Jesus could have sworn all of his senses were heightened to a whole new level. Later on, one of the twelve disciples reported that Jesus never actually made it to the desert, but instead sat on the edge of a forest and held down a large stick in fear that “it will surely float away.” Jesus held the branch for forty minutes. The Rage-fest at Cana Jesus and his “bro-sciples” attended a wedding at Cana in Galilee with the sole purpose of getting drunk and putting out some vibes towards the bridesmaids. During the reception, Jesus worked on the holiest of buzzes when suddenly his frantic mother came to him: “They have no wine!” Mary said. Jesus averted his mother’s eyes and leaned back against a pillar. “Bitch, this don’t concern me yet,” Jesus said. After polishing off his glass of wine, plus the remaining drinks that the disciples were planning on consuming, Jesus decided to take action. Under the Messiah’s instructions, servants of the wedding gathered a bunch of jugs filled with water. Jesus walked over to

the jugs, kissed both of his biceps and winked at one of the bridesmaids. He then shot a middle finger towards the jugs of water, thusly turning the liquid into wine. “Boom…” Jesus whispered into the face of his annoying mother. Many scholars believe this was the first miracle of seven that Jesus performed to prove he was the Son of God, but in fact it was just merely the first one of that day. Later on during the wedding, he also converted some of the loaves of bread into tightly rolled joints, a violin into a boom box that strictly played dub-step, and he magically converted one of the palace columns into a skinny metal pole that the female servants could dance on. Jesus Gets the Munchies in Front of 5,000 People On their way to John the Baptist’s funeral, Jesus and the disciples cut the edge with five ounces of Bethsaida’s finest green. Soon a crowd of 5,000 people gathered from nearby towns and followed Jesus during the majority of his trek. It wasn’t long before Jesus started asking people for anything “fried or covered in chocolate.” “We have only five loaves here and two fish,” the disciples said. “Bring them here to me,” Jesus said. The disciples and the large crowd licked their lips in anticipation in hopes for a Jesus miracle. Instead, Jesus took the remaining food, sat on the ground, and ate it all in one sitting as every bystander watched. Sensing the tension surrounding him, Jesus told his disciples, “Big deal if their hungry, I fasted for forty days and nights once.” “No Jesus,” Matthew said, closing his eyes and rubbing the bridge of his nose, “no you didn’t.” Jesus Raises the Dead Lazarus from His Comfy-Ass Tomb During a chill afternoon, a messenger delivered bad news to Jesus about his friend Lazarus. The message came from Lazarus’ two sisters, Martha and Mary, and informed Jesus that Lazy L is ill. “Righteous,” Jesus said, but then it was explained to him that in this case “ill” meant that Lazarus was dying. Two days later Jesus decided to visit his sick friend. The disciples tried to warn Jesus about the dangers of returning to Judea, but all he heard were the words “Jews love to get stoned.” “Hell yeah, let’s get going,” Jesus said, “and grab one of those jugs of water so we can blast off along the way.” Jesus and his “Holy Thugs” arrived in Bethany shortly after and drunkenly made their way to Martha and Mary’s house. The two sisters were engulfed in grief when Jesus arrived, so he did what any Messiah would do; he turned a loaf of bread into a spliff the size of a baby’s forearm and lit it up. A few puff-puff-passes later, the room started to spin and the sisters kept on bitching about their dead brother. Jesus stood and demanded to be shown to Lazarus’ tomb. Upon arriving at a cave, a stone was removed that blocked the entrance and Jesus

yelled: “Lazarus, get the fuck out!” A confused Lazarus came stumbling out of the tomb and Jesus pushed past him mumbling something along the lines of “I’m cross-fading pretty hard right now.” Jesus slept in the tomb for the next twelve hours. The Hydro Supper For Passover, Jesus and his posse got together at a house in the city for some late night grub. To spice up the night, Jesus made a bong out of a bread bowl so he and the twelve disciples could “get lifted to a whole new spiritual level.” Before they ate, Jesus addressed the group and said “Truly, I say to you, one of you will betray me.” Everyone seated at the table subtly looked towards Judas who had supplied the weed but refused to smoke it because of an upcoming “drug test.” Before an inquiry or accusation could be proclaimed, Jesus jumped up from the table and exhaled a cloud of dank smoke. “Oh shit, are the cops outside?!” Jesus said. The twelve disciples calmed Jesus down and reassured him that neither the cops, nor his parents, were sitting outside in the driveway. The final supper came to an abrupt stop after Jesus claimed the bread to be his body and the wine to be of his blood and insisted everyone to “fucking eat him.” “Damn, Judas, what kind of haze did you bring?” Matthew said, as he tried to coach Jesus out from under the table. The Pass-Out and Resurrection of Jesus Christ A week later, in the city of Golgotha, the eleven remaining disciples looked up at Jesus as he hung limply on a cross. All twelve men shook their heads in disbelief as they reflected on the sad sight before them. Bartholomew was the first to speak. “My God, he’s passed out again,” he said. “I love him, but dis dude can NOT handle his weed,” Thomas said. The disciples lowered their passed-out messiah off of the cross and elected to find a cave for him to sleep in, noting their leader’s previous affinity towards napping in tombs. Three days later, Jesus awoke with massive cravings for potato chips dipped in a milkshake and tried to release himself from the tomb with no avail. Soon an angel descended from heaven, broke the stone blocking the tomb, and let Jesus out. The angel informed Jesus that his father was “getting ready to dish out the ass-whooping of a lifetime” and that he’d better say goodbye to his “hood-rat” friends. Jesus ascended to heaven forty days after his wicked blackout in Golgotha, leaving his teachings to his eleven trusted disciples. The group tried to spread the Son of God’s message, but was met with a lot of skepticism. Mainly due to their reputation as being burnt out potheads who traveled around the Middle East in a blurry haze.


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the madlib

my 4/20 adventure

For me and all my bros in ___1___, we have grand plans of making the most out of  4/20 landing on a Sunday. But like most groups of stoners, our plans were a little too ambitious.  Starting right at the stroke (toke) of  midnight, we were going to light up some ___2___ ___3___ our favorite bud, and listen to our jam, ___4___. Then we were going to rip some shots of Hennessy - because rap music - and party until the break of dawn, baby. Our buddy and drug dealer, who goes by ___5___, was going to come over with his vaporizer and we were going to fade away into the night. Naturally, the next morning, the plan was to wake up and, you guessed it, bake some ___6___. There’s usually some stoner movies on TV, like ___7___ or  Super High Me, so we were gonna recuperate from the wild night, order some ___8___and chill, man. Then we were gonna hit up the local disc golf course in ___9___ and smoke our ceremonious joint at Hole

Four, which has to be the ___10___ ___11___ ___12___, which is super, super heady stuff. After the 18th hole, the plan was to head to ___13___, eat a bunch of ___14___, then mosey back to the crib and hit the vaporizer that ___15___ will naturally forget to take with him. But, you know, 4/20 in actuality was a lot more chill for us. For starters, ___16___ got arrested outside of ___17___and we couldn’t get any bud. We were all so depressed at midnight that we went to bed, and then slept in until ___18___. Luckily ___19___ finally got ahold of his ___20___TA and got us a gram of ___21___ ___22___, so taking one hit of that was enough to make me melt into the La-Z-Boy we found in the alley on ___23___. We were all feeling a little lazy to hit up disc golf, so we just stayed at home, played Mario Party and ordered ___24___. We all tried to take some mad resin hits, which actually proved semi-successful. 

1) Your dorm freshman year 2) Color 3) Old president 4) Classic rap song 5) Exotic animal 6) Slang for marijuana 7) Recent romantic comedy 8) Local take-out 9) Town outside of your college town 10) Starbucks size 11) U.S. state 12) Dog breed 13) Local diner 14) Breakfast food 15) Person from 6 16) Person from 6 17) Local bar 18) Time between noon and 4 p.m. 19) Most responsible friend 20) School subject 21) Verb-ing 22) Planet 23) Holiday 24) Worst delivery pizza

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Minnesota - Issue 12 - 4/17/2014