The Black Sheep
F THA REE... T LI LIKE VE IN Y THE S OUR QUIR TRA REL SH S C AN .
Vol. 6, Issue 10
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
4/3/14 - 4/9/14
BY HUMANS ON MINNESOTA CAMPUS MATHEW KENNEDY WROTE THIS “Sure, I’d been on plenty of tours of the school before, but this is one of those things that you don’t really notice until you’re here every single day.” The quote came from University of Minnesota squirrel Chester, who lives in the tree between Pioneer and Centennial Hall. “I mean, it’s actually kind of crazy. I can get so close to them!” Chester explained. “I swear to God I almost touched one once. I reached my hand out, and right as I almost could pet it, it ran off into the Comstock dining hall. It’s kind of neat.” Chester is talking about the humans on campus. Chester noted that he’s seen the mammals wandering around the school in much larger numbers than what he sees back home in rural Minnesota. The new interaction is one of the things that Chester loves about the campus. “I’ve never been that much into nature anyways,” Chester pondered. “But, it’s always been something that I’ve enjoyed looking at when it’s there.” Much to Chester’s dismay, however, he has noticed that he has not done as much human-watching as he would like to. But, that might have to do with the fact that Chester was busier than ever during the winter. “Winter was tough,” Chester admitted, “I really procrastinated this year on gathering nuts during the fall, so when it came to the first snowfall, I really had to cram all of my gathering into one night. I’m sure I didn’t get it done as well as I could have, but I got it done.” The last few weeks on campus have had much warmer temperatures, and Chester couldn’t be happier. He has slowly started to notice an increase in humans walking around. “Seeing people is one of those things that you kind of take for granted. It’s something I always thought was cool during the first semester, but since second semester started, it’s really rare to see one of them. They’re starting to come back now, which is nice.” It isn’t just Chester that is into getting close to the humans. Chester claims that nearly all of the new squirrels cannot believe how many humans
there are out and about. Apparently, the humans are a big hit with the squirrel population. “Yeah, one of my friends is really into them. He’s always taking pictures of them for his Acorngram page. The caption is always something like ’My new big friend on campus’ or something stupid like that.”
“You know, I don’t know what the big deal about that stupid gopher is here. I can’t remember the last time I saw a gopher on campus, besides the time I saw a huge one on a Segway. But, yet, they’re all on people’s shirts and whatnot. It’s kind of upsetting. The dominant rodent at this school is the squirrel, and that should be the mascot in my opinion.”
Despite the squirrel’s love for humans, Chester notes that he does feel a tinge of jealousy from time to time. He’s noticed that the humans here seem to have another rodent in their eye: the university mascot.
Chester admitted that besides humans, he really enjoys looking at the wild turkeys that oftentimes roam SuperBlock, but he only stops “if he’s not late for tree-climbing.”
TOP TEN WAYS FOR DUDES TO GET ON A FRAT PART LIST
THE FIVE STAGES OF HOOKING UP WITH YOUR TA
TYRION LANNISTER’S GUIDE TO COLLEGE
A GUIDE FOR THE GDIs.
IT’S NOT ALL SUNSHINE AND PERFECT GRADES.
DRINKING BEER AND SCREWING? IS THIS WESTEROS OR COLLEGE?
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LAST WEEK’S ANSWER: TOM SELLECK
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UMN STUDENT TOLD TO GO TO HELL; DOES, TALKS ABOUT EXPERIENCE BLACK SHEEP STAFF WROTE THIS Known for his epic smart-assery, ability to drive any professor to the point of resignation, and his flawless hair, Fez Martin is a popular topic of conversation amongst students and professors alike. He knows how to push his professors to the edge, but during a particularly brutal math lesson he pushed too hard. Fez was antsy; having just rode his multiple motorcycles in a single drag race just 20 minutes before. Bored with the class, he let loose a stream of sarcastic comments under his breath to match everything his professor said. The professor cracked five minutes later. He stood up, slammed his hands on his desk, and shouted, “Go to Hell, Fez!” Shocked, Fez shut his pie hole for the remainder of the period and contemplated what the professor had said. Fez’s classmates, surprised that their class clown had no witty response, grew silent as everyone
stared in disbelief. Well, all but one kid who declared, “Damn teach’, you scary!”
the hole. He looked down into the pit, waved, and said, “Bye Satan! See ya in 30 years!”
After class Fez, the downtrodden douche, was walking to his dorm when he noticed a gaping hole in the Earth. Assuming UMN was building yet another Subway, he decided to get a closer look. Fez, being the world’s most sarcastic danger-seeker, climbed into the hole just as flames spurted up and evil laughter was heard for miles. Two other kids, apparently as curious as Fez, peered into the hole, only to fall in and die, but this isn’t about those clumsy fucks. Fez gathered that this was an actual pit into Hell and thought about retreating… but Fez just couldn’t resist the sweet, sweet literalism of taking his teacher’s advice and actually going to Hell.
The Black Sheep caught up with Fez after his hellish experience. “Hell wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Sure, the constant screaming annoyed the hell out of me, in the most literal way, but the barbeque was amazing! I’ll definitely have to ask the devil for the recipe for his glaze!”
Weeks later, the hole reappeared in the middle of campus. Students stared as Fez climbed back out of
We asked Fez about the supposed torture that goes on and said, “Well, it turns out the idea of torture there is more along the lines of playing “Call Me Maybe” for eternity. Other than that, everyone was really nice! Plus my burns from the flames peeled and now I’m tan which is pretty tan-tastic.” When asked about the people he met while in Hell, Fez gave a very interesting answer, “Well obviously I met Hitler. Ya know,
people make him sound a lot worse than is. He taught me a lot, especially about ovens. The man knows everything about ‘em! Oddly enough, Jesus was there and lemme tell ya, he was turnin’ water into more than just wine. My last night there, Jesus got us all kinds of fucked up.”
Fez tells us he doesn’t plan on going back to Hell anytime soon. “Honestly, I just did it for the joke. I don’t see any reason to go back unless someone tells me to ‘go to Hell’ again. But who would want to do that anyway? I’m like the nicest guy!” With jovial laughs we
jokingly told him to go to Hell. On an unrelated note, Fez has been reported missing since The Black Sheep last spoke with him. If you see Fez Martin you should really inform someone. Like the police or something, we don’t really care, we’re just a paper.
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WAYS FOR GUYS TO GET ON A FRAT PARTY LIST MATHEW KENNEDY WROTE THIS
For GDIs, frat parties are just a thing of legend—a place for random hookups, incredible beer-pong games, and dance floors equally sexy and dirty. But, it’s also known that unless you are a member of said fraternity, it is nigh impossible for a gentleman such as yourself to get in. It’s all about getting on the list. Here are ten ways to make it happen. 10.) Wear Cargo Shorts: Cargo shorts are the ultimate item of clothing as the season turns. With plenty of pockets and a leisurely look, not only will you impress the ladies in the party, but you’ll also get an assuring nod from the sober monitor at the door. This will only work for a select few houses, and they may not be the houses you want to get into.
WHAT YOUR UMN MEANS OF TRANSPORTATION SAY ABOUT YOU CORA NEISEN WROTE THIS As the weather warms up and your eyelashes no longer freeze while walking to class, more means of transportation become available to the average UMN student. The dreaded bikers are back in full swing and the walkers are there, ready to get in their way. We all have a distinct method for getting to class, so what does your transportation method say about you? Walk: You are the standard run-of-the-mill college student. You don’t like to make too many waves and you sometimes just like blending into the crowd. Some may call you vanilla, but we like to call you low-maintenance. You don’t need anything too big or exciting to make you happy and you’re content with just a simple stroll across The Bridge on a nice spring day. Campus Connector: This means one of two things: You either have class on the St. Paul campus or you’re just a lazy bum. In the case of having class in St. Paul, you might not see civilization all semester and for that we’re deeply sorry. Our condolences. We’re also sorry that you have to sit on the Connector every day, wedged in so tightly your head might be in someone’s armpit the whole way. It also sucks that half of those people don’t even really need the Connector anyway. Because if you have class on East Bank and you choose to ride the Connector versus taking a stroll on a beautiful spring day, you’re lazier than your roommate’s dog, who needs a ramp just to climb up on the couch and sleep for five hours. Next time though, dude, leave the stretchy pants, that oversized t-shirt with the permanent ravioli stain and those Homer Simpson slippers at home. No one is that lazy. Bike: You’re one of those hippies who feels like you’re saving the planet with your fixedgear. We get that global warming is a pressing issue, but flying past pedestrians in front of
STSS leaving us with hurricane-force wind isn’t doing a whole lot for stopping air pollution. If you’re one of those people who’s passionate about stopping global warming and is trying to change the world with your one-speed bike and “save the rainforests” button, then we appreciate your idealism, we really do. Do you, what with your excessive number of buttons and shirt made from woven bamboo and boots made from ground black beans. Do you. Razor Scooter: You lack friends. Or you have a shit ton of confidence. Enough said.
“We’re also sorry that you have to sit on the Connector every day, wedged in so tightly your head might be in someone’s armpit the whole way.” Moped: You’re an athlete, in which case you’re like celebrities to us peasants. We assume you live a luxurious life full of Minnesota Nike apparel, 17th Ave food, and Minnesota Daily appearances.
9.) Come Bearing Gifts: Whether it’s a rack of Natty Ice or a box full of condoms, frat guys love gifts. Who doesn’t? And when they see you with items that they definitely don’t need, you’ll immediately pique their curiosity. Wait for them to begin to brag about their new protein shake mix or beer-drinking poster, then sneak in. 8.) Look Frat Enough: A general rule of thumb is the more Polo the better. Come on, how will the babes know how sick you are if they don’t see the pony? Those neat pastel short shorts are a great compliment to that dynamite pair of Sperry’s boat shoes that will make you the hit of the upcoming swimsuit season. The more hair gel, the better. Have enough so your hair shines just as much as your spray-tanned skin. 7.) Have Money: Just like everything else in life, money is an easy way to solve this problem. Splurge on a nice Rolex or some Oakleys. Buying something absurd that you don’t need is a great way to prove your stacks of cash are so fat that they wear t-shirts at the beach. 6.) Learn Mind Control: Maybe you’re the nerdy type. If this is the case, you have to take an alternate path to getting into the temple that is a frat house. So, you need to be able to “persuade” the guys at the door to let you in. You would be surprised on how far it can get you not only in college, but in life. How else would Obi-Wan have been able to sneak the droids past the Stormtroopers? 5.) Pretend to be a Cop: If you and a few guy friends dress up as cops, you’re in. A frat guy’s archnemesis is a police officer. Enter and watch the place pay attention to you. Admittedly, this is probably the toughest way to score chicks. They’ll all be crying and running away. Not to mention, it will be really hard to find a pong partner. Although it can’t be classified as a party anymore, you will be able to tell your friends that you got in. 4.) Drag Show, Fo Sho’: Don’t mind getting hit on by drunk guys? Does it take a lot for you to be weirded out? Then this is the perfect way to do it. Dress up real slutty, grab a Lime-A-Rita and head to a house. Any house. You’ll get in. 3.) Go Undercover: Find a fraternity member and befriend him. One who isn’t as frat as the others. Gain his trust. It may be hard, but do it. Eventually, you will find yourself on the list. 2.) Bring Plenty of Females: In some instances, the door guy may take the females and not let you in. But, bringing some babes definitely can’t hurt your chances. Just make sure the females that you bring are loyal enough to leave when you inevitably get kicked out. 1.) Get Implants: Now they’ll have no choice but to let you in, right?
Car: You live at home, in which case your life sucks more than the dude who has class in St. Paul. While we love our parents and free food and rent is great, let’s be real. Not only do you have to share a bathroom with your little sister who insists she needs 30 minutes in the morning just to curl her eye lashes, you need to commute to the U. You are officially living the life of a middle-aged person frustrated with their lack of spontaneity. Once again, our condolences. Whether you arrive via plane, train, or automobile, we can all agree that the immense diversity here, even among transportation alone, is one awesome thing about our wonderful university.
AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
ON THE STREETS WHAT CHEESY PICK-UP LINE WOULD WORK BEST WHEN PICKING UP A MILF/DILF? Manda, Freshman
“‘I like sugar. Wanna be my daddy?’ Actually nevermind, that sounds gross.”
“Did you fall from heaven because have sex with me.”
“Wanna try on someone half your size?”
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HOOKING-UP WITH YOUR TA: THE FIVE STAGES BLACK SHEEP STAFF WROTE THIS
Banging your TA is probably on your college bucket list, as it should be. You had a teacher in high school that you totally wanted to bone but the age gap was way too wide, and he was married with two kids. So now, here, in college, this is your time—now there’s someone who is your academic superior, but closer to you in age: Your TA. Just know that it’s not all sunshine and perfect grades. Here are the five stages when you’re expecting some sweet lovin’ from your TA. Stage One: The Meeting: You’ve told yourself that in order to get laid consistently, it’s important that you’re easy and open to new experiences. It’s Monday, your favorite night to go out, and you’ve successfully made it into the knickers of some miscellaneous person you bonded with over shots at Brother’s. Rolling off of the foreign bed and crashing to the floor in a haze, you look at the clock and remember you have class in 40 minutes. It’s now that he mentions that he also has class… in the same building, same room. It’s your TA. Stage Two: Realization: Of course this
isn’t just any class, this is COM 225, a class on interpersonal communication that preaches how to achieve a healthy, safe relationship (spoiler alert: this situation is not what the professors advise). After laughing at the ridiculousness of your life until you have a well-sculpted six pack, you make your way to class with the partner, and you think everyone knows what you two were up to (they probably do). You sit in his eye line, and of course the topic is about falling in love, and the dangers of hookups and forming actual relationships, so you just keep giggling because there is nothing else to do except take notes. But why? You’re banging the TA.
you’re going to bang for a half-hour, and leverage becomes commonplace: “you could come over, or I could accuse you of cheating on the next exam…” It’s pretty great, if you’re into that kind of thing. Whether they’re actually in charge of your grades or not, you’re going to do better on the next exam because you can take the Billy Madison approach to studying, stripping for the right answers. Hey, positive incentives work.
“Leverage becomes commonplace: ‘You could come over, or I could accuse you of cheating on the next exam...”
Stage Four: Weirdness: You thought this was going to be four-points and foreplay the whole time? Nope, it gets weird. One of you mentions a concept from class and things get uncomfortable. It actually occurs to you that this is your TA. It’s starting to seem a lot like banging your boss, except instead of monetary promotion, you just get a few extra points on your problem set. Like it or not, they’re one step above you once you walk in that lecture hall, and in the end, that sucks.
Stage Three: Continuation: After allowing this whole thing to actually sink in, it gets pretty awesome. Telling people you’re “going to office hours” means
Stage Five: Ending It: Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end. It was a great run, definitely an experience for bragging, something to cross off the
bucket list, but you have bigger things to start doing. It’s time to focus on banging on the 50-yard line, taking a dump at Deja Vu, and punching a Buckeye in the face. So you call it quits over a high five and exchange delightful pleasantries every Tuesday and Thursday, while keeping an eye out and making sure he’s not banging some other student, that shit is unacceptable.
So if you’re wondering what it’s like to get it on with a professor—that’s messed up, what is wrong with you? Just hookup with a TA. They’re practically your age and generally do most of the stupid things you do, so it’ll work for a few weeks. Just remember, no one wants to be that person that married their TA. Gross.
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The Bar Grid
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TUES: 8pm - Midnight: Shamrock Burgers 8pm - close: $5 Domestic Lite Pitchers, $5 Margaritas, $3 Tequila Shots
MON: Flippin’ Drinks! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 9pm - Close
EVERYDAY: Happy Hour 3-6PM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks, 1/2 Price Select Apps
WED: Amateur Night: Watch your sexy coeds on stage for the first time compete for $200! Contest Starts at 11:30pm Open to all Ladies
WED: No Cover! Kill The Keg: $5 Bottomless Miller High Life Taps $3 Miller Lite Bottles, $3 Vodka, $3 Captain $5 Pizzas 8pm-Midnight
9pm - Close: $3 Coors Light, $3 Long Islands, $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am
Karaoke Thursdays! $2 You Call It Drinks and $3 Shots from 10-close.
1/2 Price Bottles of Wine Starting at 5pm Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks, 1/2 Price Select Apps
Military ID Night: Show your military ID for free cover
No Cover! $3 Cruzan Run $3 Budweiser Products, $3 Cruzan Rum and Svedka $6 Dozen Wings (7pm-Midnight)
8pm - Close: $4 3 Olives vodka $5 3 Olives Flavored long islands, $2 Mini Bombs (jager, cherry, orange) $5 VEGAS BOMBS!
8pm - Close: $3 Mich. Golden Light Pints $3 Rails, Live Music 10pm Close, $3 Grape Apes, $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am
$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm Close
Happy Hour 3-6PM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps
Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close
$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles (7pm-10pm)
8pm - Close: $4 Bacardi Drinks $2 Mini Bombs (jager, cherry, orange)
9pm - Close: $3 Domestic Bottles 9pm - Midnight: $3 You-Call-It Shots $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am
$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close
$10 Bottomless Bloody Marys & Screwdrivers 10am-Midnight Happy Hour 3-6PM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps
Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close
$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles (7pm-10pm)
10am - 2pm: $5 Stack of Pancakes, $4 Bloody Mary’s Screwdrivers 6pm - 11pm: All burgers $6.99, 8 - 11pm: Buy any app or dessert get a free pitcher of domestic or lite beer 8-close: $3 Domestic Bottles and $2.50 Rail Drinks
Sunday Funday! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 4pm - Close
$10 Bottomless Bloody Marys & Screwdrivers 10am-Midnight | Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-1AM, $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps
Service Industry Night! Show pay-stub from your bar or club and get free cover!
No Cover! Inventory Reduction Sunday (IRS) $3 Specials that change every Sunday from 7pm-Close
8pm - Close: $3 Coors Mugs, $5 Jameson Gingers, All Day Pizza for Pennies! Buy any large pizza and get the 2nd pizza for $0.99
Flippin' Drinks! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 9pm - Close
$2 Sloppy Jacks All Day Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks, 1/2 Price Select Apps
College ID Night! Free cover with any College ID - old or new!
NO COVER! Happy Hour Drinks: 3:30pm-Close $3 Domestic Bottles, $3 Rail Drinks, $4 Specialty Bottles, $4 Call Drinks, $5 Top Shelf Drinks $0.35 Wings 8pm-11pm (Dine in only)
8pm - Midnight: Shamrock Burgers 8pm - close: $5 Domestic Lite Pitchers, $5 Margaritas, $3 Tequila Shots
Birthday Karaoke Night!
Taco Tuesdays 5pm-10pm Root City Trio at 9:30pm Happy Hour 3-6PM, 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks, 1/2 Price Select Apps
Ladies Night! Free cover for all ladies Men: Wear any Deja vu or Hustler apparel and get in free!
No Cover! Karaoke: 9pmClose, Beer Pong, $3 Budweiser Products and Well Drinks, $3 Heineken, Heineken Light, Amstel Light & Dos Equis Bottles 7pm-midnight, $5 Mini Burger Platter (7pm-11pm)
$2 Half Pound Burgers 5-10pm Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks, 1/2 Price Select Apps
Amateur Night: Watch your sexy coeds on stage for the first time compete for $200! Contest Starts at 11:30pm Open to all Ladies
No Cover! Kill The Keg: $5 Bottomless Miller High Life Taps $3 Miller Lite Bottles, $3 Vodka, $3 Captain $5 Pizzas 8pm-Midnight
Every Day in April: $5 VEGAS BOMBS!
COLLEGE THURSDAYS 8pm - Close: All you care to drink! $6 Bottomless Domestic Beer, $10 Bottomless Rails and Domestic Beers, $1 Orange bombs, $3 Jack and Soco
$5 VEGAS BOMBS!
$5 VEGAS BOMBS!
Closed on Sundays
Mason Jar Monday 8pm-close: $3 Double Jack, Soco, or Rails, and Bud and Bud Light Taps $5.00 Bud and Bud Light Pitchers, $10.00 Bud and Bud Light Towers
$5 VEGAS BOMBS!
8pm-close: $3 U Call Its Rails, Calls,and Every Beer on Tap (items subject to tax) $5 VEGAS BOMBS! 8pm - Close: $0.25 Wings w/ College or Military ID $0.50 wings w/ out ID or Wristband $8 AYCD: Rails, Miller Lite Tap, Bacardi Oakheart $1.50 High life tall boys
$5 VEGAS BOMBS!
8pm - close: $5 for one pound of boneless wings, $2 for 1’s
Bring in 5 Friends 21+ & The Birthday Person Drinks for Free! (excludes shots & top shelf)
$3 Tier 1 Mugs, $4 Tier 2 Mugs, $3 Long Island Pints
Wings N Things $0.39 Wings: 4pm - 10pm 2-4-1 Drinks (9-Close)
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oh come on, you remember how to play! tally some marks on the paper for as long as your brain tells you to, then count through the whole list and cross off whatever corresponds with that number. when there’s only one left in each category, boom, that’s your future. live it, love it.
You’re going on a trip to… - Seattle - Los Angeles - Tuscon - Omaha
The sick whip of choice is… - An old-school RV - A 2014 Ford Escape - A Boeing 757 - A Chevy Astrovan
The only bummer is… - there’s no gas in the tank. - you forgot your cell phone charger. - the vehicle is loud as hell. - you forgot a lighter.
WIth your very best friend… - Kitty Pryde - Miley Cyrus - Taylor Momsen - Michelle Obama
It’s pimped out with… - like, 100 televisions - stripper poles - plush, cheetah carpeting - disco balls
and her new boyfriend… - Jeff Garlin - Prince Harry - Carson Daly - Vladimir Putin
and the mini fridge is loaded with… - strawberries - canned cat food - Patron - 11-year aged Wisconsin cheddar
When you got to your destination, the first thing you did was… - take a friggin’ leak. - masturbate. - buy some damn Fritos. - do some yoga. The second thing you did was… - get mad wasted. - Instagram some scenic views. - smoke a joint. - look for the nearest strip club.
m o c . e n i l n O p e e h S k c a l B e G GAMES Th IN K IN R D | PECIALS | BAR S ARTICLES
Are You SMARTER
1) Geography: Lemurs are only found on what island country? 2) Probability: With a 16.67% chance of occurring, what is the highest probability number rolled with two six-sided die? 3) Liquor: United States bourbon—to be classified as such—must be aged in what kind of barrels?
LAURA of APPLEBEE’S
6) Baseball: What team won the 2013 World Series? 7) Rhetoric: What rhetorical device likens two different things with a “like” or “as”? 8) TV: What The Simpsons character famously lamented, “I bent my Wookie”?
4) The Human Body: In layman’s terms, what is the epidermis?
9) Fast Food: What fast food chain launched an all-new breakfast menu on March 27th?
5) National Parks: What was the first National Park established in the United States?
10) Board Games: In 2013 what Monopoly token was retired, replaced with a cat?
1) Madagascar 2) 6 3) Wooden 4) Skin 5) Rocky Mountain 6) No Idea 7) Similie 8) Bart 9) Taco Bell! 10) Not Sure
1) Madagascar 2) 7 3) Oak, or charred oak 4) Skin or outermost layer of skin 5) Yellowstone 6) Boston Red Sox 7) Similie 8) Ralph Wiggum 9) Taco Bell 10) Iron
Laura’s Score: 4 out of 10
RECIPE for DISASTER
DRINKING GAME Dictionary!
Special Time ‘Cakes
Werds kan b haard sumtimez. Butt if u no how 2 make da werds work gud then u shuld plai is game 4real.
Hey there, happy birthday! It is your birthday, right? Or at least your fake ID’s birthday? Whatever, it’s another day and it’s another reason to be merry. So celebrate because you didn’t fall on your face walking to class, or because the internet exists, or because it’s almost 4/20. Whatever honorary holiday you make up, you’re going to need some sprinkles in your life, and that’s where we come in.
What You’ll Need: A dictionary, or a dictionary app on your phone. WE GET IT DARREN, YOU’RE RICH. Number of Players: Anywhere between two and a number that can only be defined by your imagination. Level of Intoxication: DARREN, DID YOU SHIT IN THE FLOWERPOT AGAIN? FUCK. How to Play: - One person begins as the guesser. - Have one player open up the dictionary to a random page, then point to a random word. Or, do the equivalent of whatever this is on the app you’re using. - If you’re using an app, remember the definition of this word, then randomly generate two other words. - If you’re using a real dictionary, then read the words immediately above and below the randomly chosen word. - Have the reader give the guesser his word - Have the reader recite these three definitions to the guesser. - In one guess the guesser must guess the correct definition of this word. - If the guesser guesses incorrectly, he must drink. - If the guesser guesses correctly, all other participants must drink. The Game Ends When: You make it from A to Z.
DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!
What You Need: 1 cup Bisquick pancake mix, 1 cup Funfetti Super Moist cake mix, 3 (or more) tablespoons rainbow sprinkles, 1 cup milk, 1 teaspoon vanilla, 2 eggs, 2 1/2 cups powdered sugar, 2 teaspoons milk, other toppings you think would be great on pancakes, like chocolate chips (or fruit, we guess). Cook Time: 20 to 30 minutes. Fatty Factor: They’re pretty, just like you are on the inside. Let’s Get Baked! - Heat your skillet over medium-high heat. - Grease with cooking spray or butter. - In a bowl, mix together the pancake mix, cake mix, rainbow sprinkles, milk, vanilla and eggs until blended. Be sure to not over-blend (something a mom told us once, so trust). - Grab a 1/4 cup measuring cup, and pour slightly less than that onto the hot griddle. - Cook until the edges start to dry and get bubbly. Don’t overcrowd the pan with pancakes unless you want one massive pancake (fine by us). Remember, patience is a virtue. - Flip those puppies over, and cook until golden brown. - Meanwhile, make your glaze by mixing together the powdered sugar and milk. - Top your stack of pancakes with glaze and add additional sprinkles and other toppings. You’re definitely going to want to Instagram the end result. Bitches love sprinkles and #specialtimecakes.
GUIDE TO COLLEGE HANNAH WEYER WROTE THIS
When picking idols from Westeros, it’s very important that you choose wisely. Taking advice from Walder Frey seems harmless when you’re shtupping sixteen-year-olds, but if you’re not careful, you could end up [SEASON 3 SPOILER ALERT] mass-murdering your King and his entire posse at his uncle’s wedding. And listening to Theon Greyjoy could get your wiener cut off and sent to your dad. It’s a tricky business. That’s why it’s important to recognize the magnificence of Tyrion Lannister, our pocket-sized Westerosi idol. Tyrion not only has never killed anyone that we liked, he lives his life by a code we can really get behind: “Fuck bitches, get money.” He’s a clever little imp with a shitty dad and incestuous siblings (something we can all relate to) and he knows how to work the business-end of a shield. Is this wine-logged, scar-faced dwarf great? Yes. The greatest? Absolutely. A standard we should hold ourselves to the rest of our lives? Pretty much. Let’s all model our lives after our favorite little monster, starting with college!
Take what you can get, man. Tyrion understands the importance of poon, make no mistake. Bitches’ cold asses belong on the wall though, because they won’t touch the pintsized player. Does this bother tiny Tyrion? Bitch please. Nothing cramps this Lion’s style. When ladies don’t respond to his smooth moves, Tyrion takes his dang-ding-dong to a hooker house. He spewnds a medium-sized fortune on hookers every year, not because he got his wittle feewings hurt and needs numbing no-nos, but because he knows that to keep his brain running at optimum levels he has to bone on the reg. We can all learn something from that.
When your bank account is bottomless, so is your beer. When your beer is bottomless, so is your weekend. To party like a rock star, you need to write un-bounced checks like a rock star. How? Tyrion suggests being born a Lannister. But if you’re a loser that can’t be born a Lannister, marry a Lannister. Bang a Lannister. Blackmail a Lannister. Entertain a Lannister. Pretend to be a Lannister. Make shoes for a Lannister. Somehow get a Lannister indebted to you, because a Lannister always pays his debts. God, you really do need to find a rich friend or two.
Drinking is good for you. It relieves stress, protects you from dealing with your sister sober and isn’t cholera-laced water that will kill you dead. But don’t be drinking whatever like some idiot Baratheon. No, the Imp has some ground rules: 1.) Being drunk all the time is not easy. If it were easy, everyone would do it. Earn your drunkenness. 2.) Everything is better with a belly full of wine, especially your parents. 3.) Start with the cocktails and don’t touch the cheap crap until you’re too drunk to know
the difference. Don’t be a noob.
You’re in college because you’re smart, and you’re smart because you have to compensate for that face somehow. See what we did there? That there was Grade-A eloquent snark. The clever insult is Tyrion’s bread and butter, and it can be yours too if you stop acting like a dumbass. Get your head out of that prostitute’s lice-filled crotch and into your books! A mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone, and honey, the sharper yours is, the more quickly you can cut through idiot [insert rival school nickname here]’s. “Maybe if you didn’t want to get pissed on, you should have worn better shoes. You banal troglodyte.” There, there’s your first one. You’re welcome.
HIT BELOW THE BELT:
Yeah, that’s a short joke. So sue us.
Don’t have a “short” temper. Boom! There’s another one!
TYRION IS EXTREMELY SHORT:
Hahaha! We are on FIRE with these jokes!
College seems enormous, and every little quiz is like another monster exam. Every little fling is a promise, every little hurdle a mountain, every little STD, AIDS. That’s exaggerating, and you’re a drama queen. Stop being a drama queen. Find the biggest obstacle you can find and laugh in its face until it feels self conscious and runs away. Face a horde of dirty, smelly mountain men and charm them to your side. Climb a mile-high ice wall and piss off the edge, you crazy bastard you! When you get to the top, everyone else looks super small for a change! Pee on them!
Woohoo! Wine makes everything wonderful! Beer makes everyone beautiful! Vodka makes everything...vanguard! If you plan on going through life without getting taller, prettier or richer, you’d better start doing it drunker, and we don’t mean white-girl drunker! Drinking is serious business. No one’s going to take you seriously if six ales turn you into a giggly country music-listener. That’s not good drinking. That’s not appropriate behavior. Master the art of being drunk constantly. The constant drunk, like our favorite Lion, can double fist both beers AND significant plot-affecting conversations. Get to that level.
Why are you still sober enough to read this?
Be realistic—if you’re short, be short; if you’re a dick, be a dick; if you can’t rap fo’ crap, be white. Own the shit you get shit for, because if you open with, “Hi, I’m Dennis and I can’t grow a beard,” no one’s going to turn around and say, “Wow, Dennis should change his name to “Denise,” because that is one girly face.” They won’t be all, “Do you think he has a testosterone deficiency? That poor girly bastard, let’s Photoshop boobs on his Facebook picture.” They can’t be like, ‘Did you see Denise’s mustache? Haha, she thinks she’s a guy, haha,’ because you’ve already covered that. “If you turn your weakness into armor, it can’t be used to hurt you,” unless your weakness is, like, iron maidens or something.
Tyrion Lannister knows very well that family is the number one priority. Even if your sister’s a bitch that does the do with her twin, your twinbred nephew has the personality of poisoned cake, your mother is dead and your father wishes you were dead, family has to come first because they’re the ones with the non-delinquent bank account. Yeah,
Dad, I’m disappointed in my choice of career paths too. Can you help me out with rent this month?
Are dragons a metaphor for power? A symbol of the a-changing times? Heroin? It doesn’t matter. Dragons are real, and you should ignore everybody who says they’re not. Follow your dragons to the ends of the earth. Hijack them. Fly them back. Destroy everyone who ever called you fat in middle school. Burn them. Cook them. Let your dragon feast onwait, what were we talking about?
Are you drunk yet? The best part of a functional alcoholism like Tyrion’s is that he can do all the same shit a sober Lannister can do, but he gets to do it with whiskey goggles, so it seems remarkably less shitty! Imagine being able to go to work without fantasizing about burning Taco Bell to the ground! Laughing at your geology professor’s rock jokes! Making small talk with the scary guy that’s always in the laundry room corner! The world is yours to laugh at, dance with, party on and mash erogenous zones with, so why be sad and sober? When you have serenaded yourself, drunk yourself happy, tamed some hardcore strange, found your dragon and boobs, read an awesome book, rented a couple dozen hookers, bought a couple dudes, tolerated your family, climbed a mountain, rolled around in gold coins, danced with your demons and killed a dude with a shield, THEN you will be as happy, as perfect and as awesome as Tyrion Lannister.
FIND THE CAMPUS SQUIRRELS
Can you find all the squirrels on this college campus? Email us at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!
ACROSS: 2) Legendary Chicago Bears football player and coach. 4) Michael Cera’s character in Arrested Development, two words. 5) What disesase does Michael J. Fox suffer from? 7) Mike Rowe, the host of Dirty Jobs, is on
which channel? 10) Michael Buble is from this Canadian province, two words. 12) Mike who? Mike who? 13) Michael C. Hall played the lead in which HBO show? 15) Michael Jackson was born in this Indiana city.
DOWN: 1) He played Austin Powers, baby, two words. 3) This Michael is famous for his controversial documentaries. 5) The most decorated Olympic athlete. 6) What was Mike Sorrentino’s nickname on Jersey Shore? 8) Philadelphia Eagles quarterback who spent time in prison for illegal dog dighting. 9) Michael Jordan won 6 NBA Championships with this city’s team. 10) The current Mayor of New York City. 11) Mike’s makes what kind of hard beverage? 14) This Mike famously bit off a part of Evander Holyfield’s ear.
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