The Black Sheep FR
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Volume 3, Issue 11 11/15/12 - 11/29/12
Thanksgiving is Depressing Brady Knutson wrote this
What’s the worst day of week? If you said Monday, you’re wrong. It’s Sunday. On the Lord’s Day you wake up, peel yourself off the wood floor of the house in Como (where they never said you could sleep after the party last night but they never said you couldn’t either), squint at the daylight, and maybe head to Blarney to suck back a couple Bloody Marys. Then you go home and spend the day sitting around in dread of the weekend coming to end before biting the bullet and starting that homework at 11p.m. Yes, just like Friday is the best day of the week even though you may have class, Sunday is the worst even if you have nowhere to be all day. And Thanksgiving is the Sunday of holidays. Think about it: It’s churchy, filled to the brim with football, and the U only gives us a four-day weekend so you spend the whole break praying for more time and watching it waste away. “Time off is time off,” you may say. “And the holiday season is one of perpetual joy!” Yeah, Thanksgiving is just like Christmas…except without the decorations, music, spirit, presents, shopping, chocolate, or joy. And instead of a plump, juicy, delicious ham, you’re forced to scrape some “meat” off a turkey carcass. This foul fowl is easily the driest excuse for a main course found in Western cuisine. Corn, potatoes, and stuffing are palatable, but given the dismal choice of food centerpiece, it’s no wonder this holiday never really gets off the ground. “You heartless bastard!” you cry, “The tradition of giving thanks is a sacred and important one!” Yes, this is a time of year to realize how fortunate we really are, especially relatively. If anything will make upper middle-class suburban white kids realize there’s deep suffering in the world, it’s pretending they’re grateful once a year and then eating until they throw up. If anyone took it seriously and let it inform their actions for the whole year, the being thankful thing would be truly special. But alas, holidays aren’t magic (well, Christmas, New Year’s, The Fourth of July, and St. Patrick’s Day are) and any real gratitude in our hearts fades away by the end of the Peanuts special. And don’t even mention what the holiday is supposed to be commemorating. The “pilgrims and Indians” getting together as one big happy family? But we didn’t start celebrating it until like, 200 years after the fact. By this time, nobody remembered what the Puritans were actually like. Which, by the way, yikes. The English settlers who helped build this country were committed to ideas of religious freedom, as long as it was freedom to practice Christianity so conservative that even
Top Ten ways to scare a potential mate basically, don't do anything that acknowledges you like them
Richard Mourdock would be a little hesitant. They’d probably disapprove of everything that’s ever happened in Superblock after 11 p.m. And if European Americans were so thankful for the natives, why did they begin perpetrating one of the largest mass genocides in history against them? So Thanksgiving is basically all about thanking people for their invaluable help, and then watching them slowly die as you stand idly by. Ungrateful college students and their parents should be able to relate.
Still not depressed? Let’s hear from you after you park it in a stiff dining room chair at your aunt’s house for a three hour dinner before being treated to screenings of cousin Jed’s wrasslin’ matches. If you’re not bawling your eyes out after that, you’re incapable of sadness. Or maybe you just have an unshakable belief that Thanksgiving, while not the best day of the year, is just A-OK. And you know, all in all, there are worse prospects than ringing in the fall harvest amid loved ones. Like living through another Valentine’s Day. Don’t get us started on Valentine’s Day.
Fall Break Survival Guide
bartender of the week
Fall break is too short to enjoy, but just long enough to cause a mental breakdown.
Jasmine from burrito loco is like, duh blondes have the most fun.
contents page 4: To Stay in Perchance to Save a Liver
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Movies, board games, potlucks... they all end the same way. There's no fighting it.
page 6: from the streets
You're walking down the street and someone hits you with a shoe. What do you do?
page 7: Thanksgiving in 3000
Thanksgiving isnâ€™t only about turkey; itâ€™s about racism and family drama. Thanks, pilgrims!
page 10: how to: turkey bowl Make sure you're in top shape to shut up Uncle Mike this year.
pages 12-13: turkey time!
What did your childhood hand-turkey say about you?
page three ! k e e W e h t f o c i P word of the week Lamerick:
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The Top ten to stay in, perchance to save a liver Ways to Scare off page 4
Nick Strand wrote this
a Potential Mate
10.) Being available: There’s nothing more boring than trying to date someone who is available. In order to be wanted you must be completely unattainable. This seems like a difficult conundrum but it's actually pretty easy to solve. Just tell everyone you meet that you're already in a committed relationship with some imaginary person. Then proceed to watch as everyone's sexual interest in you spikes rapidly. 9.) Friendliness: There is endless discussion about how “Nice guys finish last.” It's definitely a real thing: If you're too nice to someone, they will never take you seriously. Messed up concept right? If you're looking to listen to a potential mate drone on about their boy/girl problems and complaints about how “all GUYS ARE SUCH ASSHOLES!!” or “why are ALL GIRLS SUCH SLUTS???” Then be our guest, go be nice to people. But if you want them to want you, then you have to keep the friendliness to a minimum. 8.) Good communication: The only way to effectively get in someone’s pants is by being as vague, confusing and awkward as possible. Texting conversations in which both sides are clear, concise and direct will only ruin the process. You must make as many one-word replies, awkwardly long gapping periods between texts, and sudden pauses in communication as possible. No one will be interested in you if you're easy to talk to. Flirting with alcoholism is fun and all, but sometimes it’s time to call a timeout. There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking a weekend off to rest your tired, overworked, morbidly swollen liver. Pick a night and try to convince some other friends to put down the bottle and do something that you won’t be ashamed of in the morning. Here are a few suggestions to substitute a night on the town: Movie Night: Grab a couple friends, a few DVDs or a stack of old VHS cassettes and snuggle in close for a night of sobriety. Or, Coffman has free movies playing every week. “Bad movie night” is always a winner. “Bad movies” – only good because they are so awfully terrible. Throw in anything starring Eddie Murphy or the post2005 Adam Sandler to take it from a “bad” to a “worst” movie theme. If you’re wanting to recreate the nauseous effects of alcohol, pop in The Hunger Games to watch a horrible rendition of the book while puking from motion sickness. Movie nights, like communism, are only good on paper. Most college students don’t have the patience to sit through an entire film. Cult classics might be easier to watch, but Animal House will only make you want to drink and Clerks, well, you have to be in some sort of altered state of mind to watch that. Dinner Party: The Midwest runs deep in our Minnesotan veins. We love any excuse to break out the crockpot. Planning a dinner party, potluck, or mass feeding is a great way to avoid the bottle. Get ready to eat more casseroles and hotdish (true Minnesotans know the difference) than when Grandma Agnus Haakonsson died; people will come in droves to get a taste of home. Someone will inevitably not get the memo and bring a case of PBR or Michelob (which adds to the nostalgic family effect). As long as it’s there, you can’t not drink it; pound a couple of brews
with Uncle Sigurd while digesting some tater-tothotdish. It’s the Minnesotan thing to do. Board Game Night: Dusting off Clue, Monopoly, or Risk is a surefire way to take your mind off drinking. Grabbing a few friends and having some friendly conversation over Chutes and Ladders (while eating hotdish?) might seem barbaric, (I mean, we do have the internet), but it’s a way to fend off the raging alcoholic inside you. Board games do have the effect of bringing out the absolute worst in people. In fact, think back to the last time you finished a game of Monopoly that didn’t end in a flipped board, houses and hotels scattered everywhere, and at least one person sitting in the corner crying. You’ll need to be taking pulls from your flask (just like Mom) to make it through the over competitive melodrama that is board game night. Fly Solo: If you’re like most of us here at The Black Sheep, you might not have any friends that aren’t raging alcoholics. All is not lost; we are, after all, going to school. If our friends resist our temptations of Bio-Dome, goulash, and Scrabble, we might be left with only one option: homework. Homework on a Friday or Saturday night is nothing less than sacrilege, but sometimes it must be done. Grab that textbook and start taking notes; it’s going to be a long night. There is one little tip that The Black Sheep will share with you for surviving a night on your own: vodka. It might seem that all of these options ultimately result in drinking. That’s because they do. But it’s the thought that counts. Liver disease is probably inevitable, whatever. As long as you tried to ward it off... Cirrhosis isn’t that bad. It’s more fun to be drunk. Grab a beer and roll the dice with The Big Lebowski playing in the background. There’s no such thing is a sober night when you’re at the U, there are only drunk nights with green bean cas-
7.) Self disclosure: Never allow yourself to be open with someone. It will scare them away 100 percent of the time. No one actually wants to know about you, they want to know an extremely diluted version to you. There is nothing more unattractive than a complicated person. So keep it simple, you like cats, cookies and coloring books. 6.) Honesty: Never tell someone the truth, it will only creep them out. If you already have a mate but you want to see where things go with another mate, make sure you do not tell EITHER mate that the other one exists. Dating and hooking up are all about simplicity. Lying is the best way to preserve that. 5.) Commitment: This is a fairly obvious one, but it needs to be discussed nonetheless. You will never find anyone if you make it clear that you’re interested in commitment. Make sure that you make it very clear that you do not want any sort of consistency or emotional involvement. The best way to find commitment is to avoid it at all costs. 4.) Making the first move: If someone gives you their number, you have to avoid texting them at all costs. This situation has two prongs: Guys: If you want a girl to like you, make sure that you get her number and never text her. She may try to prove herself to you the next time you have a drunk encounter. Girls: If a guy does not text you, make sure that you flirt with another guy very obviously in front of him the next time you see him at a party. 3.) Acknowledgment in public: If you see the potential mate in public, you MUST avert your eyes. Look at your phone, look at the sky, look at a f*cking squirrel just DO NOT LOOK AT THEM! If you smile and make eye contact, all bets are off. Nothing is worse than acknowledging to someone that you find them attractive. 2.) Facebook friendship: Uh can you say creeper? Adding someone on Facebook after you meet them just shows that you've been thinking about them and want to stalk them. You have to wait around and see if they request you first, because otherwise you will seem too eager. If you do slip up and add them, feel free to stalk them but never (ever) message them. 1.) Showing any interest whatsoever: If someone thinks that you're interested in them, you will automatically become unattractive and undesirable. The best way to prolong attraction is to be as ignorant and unaware as possible. The moment both parties are showing interest is the moment things spiral downhill.
katrina nicholson wrotethis this Katrina Nicholson wrote
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Fall Break Survival Guide Katrina Nicholson wrote this Fall break – exciting for some, boring for others, cardiac arrest-inducing for most. While you're busy stuffing your face with the mediocre food your mom managed to scrape up at the last minute, there's probably a lot going on. You're seeing awkward relatives you'd rather avoid, your mom is bugging you about the classes you're taking, friends from home have gotten increasingly strange since they went to college, and you probably just want to crawl under the covers of your racecar bed and cry yourself to sleep. Here are a few tips to avoid mental breakdown. Go for the mashed potatoes: When you face any problem in life, mashed potatoes are usually a good solution. They're the best comfort food on the planet this side of ice cream. They're mushy, salty, and perfect for slamming your face into out of frustration. If you feel like you're on the verge of a complete freak-out, just run over to the giant bowl of potatoes and sink your face into it, breathing in that carbohydrated goodness. Keep it short: Mom asks about class? Give her one-word answers. For example: “How are you liking that Psychology 101 course you're taking, sweetheart?” You respond “Cats.” She will then laugh uncertainly. “What did you say?” And you will reply “Garbage.” If you continue to throw out a random assortment of words each time she inquires, she will eventually give up and let you eat in peace. She may question your sanity, but that's always been a problem anyway. Flip the script: As you encounter the relatives you’re forced to associate with three or four times a year, they’ll want to see how you’re doing. This is normal, sure, but also very annoying. When Aunt Barb asks about your college love life, quickly give her a response, followed with, “How about you? How is your tired, inconsequential life going?” She’ll happily blather on for minutes at a time about Joey’s academics and Tara’s burgeoning meth addiction while you slowly slip into a spacey state of head nods and “uh huhs.” Hey, it sure beats trying, and she won’t know the difference. Elaborate excuses: These are for those weird friends from high school. Yeah, you know which ones we’re talking about. That girl who wouldn't even show cleavage in high school but now she'll spread her legs to oncoming traffic? That guy who always wore ill-fitting khakis and tiny polo shirts who is now a raging meth addict? Keeping interaction with them at a minimum is a good idea. So make sure that when they ask you to hang out, you give them an excuse that will BLOW THEIR MINDS. For example, if they send you a text asking if you want to go grab lunch, you say something like this: “Yeah, so I actually have this weird condition now where if I eat anything with an ingredient that has ever touched water I'll actually break out in hives. And then I’ll reek of acorns, which is very
“The One Day a Year When Your Mom Isn’t Your Mom Anymore.”
appealing to all the local squirrels. Doctor says they’re likely to flock to my body and proceed to eat me alive, bones included. I mean I wouldn't want to put you at risk.” At that point, if they still want to hang out with you they're probably more fucked up than you thought, and you should just hide. Fall break is way too short to actually enjoy, but just long enough to induce a whole host of awkward situations. Make sure this year you brace yourself for the inevitable predicaments. When you're at your worst moment, keep in mind that it's all about the food.
From the Streets
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You’re walking down the street and someone hits you with a shoe. what do you do? “I’m walking down the street, and someone hits me with a shoe? Damn teenagers.” - Dylan A., Junior
“I’m going to sell it and buy me some McDonalds (pronounced ‘MackDAWN-uhlds’)” - Zac L., Sophomore
“Run away; it might start with the throwing of a shoe, but that seems like a situation that could wind up getting me shot.” - Robbie Z., Sophomore
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Thanksgiving in 3000:
Looking Back on an Antiquated Holiday TBS STAFF wrote this Thanksgiving has come quite a long way since that first awkward, interracial feast. Apparently, the pilgrims were smart enough to sail all the way across the Atlantic, but were starving because they couldn't grasp the complexities of corn, maize, or corn mazes. The Indians felt sorry for these sad sacks full of smallpox, in their fancy boy buckles and pantaloons, and helped them survive the winter. This act turned out to be the biggest backfire in history right next to George Lucas trying to resurrect the Star Wars franchise, and Kevin Federline’s parents’ decision to drink too much wine and play a few rounds of “tickling and dickling” in 1977. In the years since the first Thanksgiving, the holiday has gone from a tradition of corn and blunderbusses, to football, awkward family tension, and the customary racist comments from grandparents. If this trend continues, the future of Turkey Day is going to be very different from the holiday that we now know and enjoy. Check that, the holiday we tolerate… through the awesome power of alcohol. One thousand years in the future, our robot overlords have done away with most holidays, for they have no practical uses. However, our most logically programmed animatronic leader, President-King-and-Tyrant Barack Robotma, still permits the celebration of Thanksgiving for the time being. In the year 3000, the turkey has gone the way of dinosaur and Pogs, and the preparation of all of the traditional Thanksgiving food has been thought of as inefficient. So, in the future, the entire Thanksgiving spread has been condensed into a single convenient suppository. With the application of a little lubricant and a few seconds of severe discomfort, you can enjoy turkey, potatoes, gravy, beans, corn, cranberries, and three kinds of dip - effectively putting a whole new spin on the word "stuffing." Football used to serve as the centerpiece of the day, for it distracted the conversation away from your loud, compulsively gambling uncle, as well as diverting attention away from Grandma saying she’s worried that your half-Pakistani boyfriend of three-years is only going to marry you so he can steal you back to his country (she says this in front of him, too, thinking he is her old butler). Yes, football has turned the room’s attention into light banter about what the Vikings should’ve done, examined from every possible perspective.
In the future, we gather around and watch actual Megatrons seismically spike footballs into literal, genetically manipulated New York Giants on Thanksgiving. Fortunately, the players can entertain for hours without needing rest, so gone are the days of enduring atrocious halftime performances, which, at present day, seem to alternate between geriatric douches like John Cougar Mellencamp and Madonna butchering “God Bless America,” or boy bands that wiggle their tiny dongs around for five minutes. Of course, last year all bets were off when we had to endure ten minutes of Nickelback during halftime of the Lions’ game, as if the city of Detroit hadn’t suffered enough. Dearest readers, enjoy Thanksgiving while you can; for there may be a time in the future when we our cyborg overlords work us to death in the krypton mines and we have nothing to be thankful for or even get the day off. So this Thanksgiving, relax, grab a beer, and overeat until you hate yourself. Cherish this feeling, because the future is scary. Just ask Grandma - you can bet she didn’t plan on living to see a Muslim president re-elected.
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How To: Turkey Bowl
TBS staff wrote this
Many of us partake in the time-honored tradition of playing football on Thanksgiving. It’s as American as apple pie topped with bacon bits. For a good number of us, this gathering of friends and family for a low-stakes game always seems to end up as an embarrassingly passiveaggressive affair. It combines all the forced interactions of a family gathering with the cut-throat competitiveness of playing Monopoly with your sworn enemy, or for that matter, playing Monopoly with anyone. Good news: It doesn’t have to be this way! Here are a few simple steps you can take to get the most out of your Turkey Bowl.
Really lay into him. Bring up childhood sporting failures, receding hairlines, impotence, anything and everything. Eventually, he’ll fire back some comment about how he used to earn medals for getting rid of kids your age in Korea. First of all, he’ll be way out of line, and you’ll get the crowd on your side, but that’s not the point. Now that he’s taken a shot at you, it won’t seem strange when you demand to guard him. You just earned a day free of playing defense. At this point, ease up on the trash talk. That Korea rant sounded a little too real to be made up on the spot.
Cardio: You hate to hear it, but you should work out more. Let’s face it, you’re not in the same shape you were in high school. The best way to give yourself the upper hand against Billy Anderson’s bump-and-run coverage is to have the lung power to run the length of the field more than once.
Hitch and Go: Alright, you spent the first half running a bunch of curl routes (this will be important later) and playing nice. Everyone has finally stopped laughing after the ball hit Kevin in the nuts. The moms have grown bored and left to start peeling sweet potatoes. Now it’s game time. The goal now is to show some real football skills. Everyone will be chomping at the bit to make a big play, and you’re going to use this to your advantage. Tell your QB the plan in the huddle and follow these steps closely. At the snap of the pigskin, run eight yards right at your overanxious defender and stop. Turn back and look for the pass. The QB will pump fake right at you. As soon as he does, the restless cornerback will jump out in front of you. You immediately turn upfield and sprint toward the end zone as your co-conspirator at quarterback lofts an easy pass into your arms. You just scored a backbreaking fifty-yard touchdown and took the lead. Now is the perfect time to do a sexually suggestive dance.
Cleats: That’s right, you’re going to be that guy. In late November, the grass is muddy and slippery. Wearing cleats to a pickup game might earn you a few funny looks, but it will also give you the ability to change directions. Have you ever wondered what it’s like to be Purple Jesus? You can find out by reversing the field and watching defenders stumble as their old gym shoes fail to grip the earth, making them look like a bunch of top-heavy mouthbreathers. Guard the Slowpoke: Oh look, Uncle Jerry is still limping from his knee surgery. You’re going to want to start trash talking him about forty-five minutes before the first snap.
Get Drunk: If all else fails, and it’s pretty clear that you’re
the worst athlete on the field, crack open the cooler and don’t look back. It turns out that your hand-eye coordination is less than spectacular. You might as well get blasted and see if it improves. At the very least, no one will blame you for dropping an interception if you’re struggling to walk. Some may say the game is not about who wins, it’s all about having fun. Well, those people are pussies, and this Thanksgiving they’re getting an ass-kicking.
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bartender of the week Jasmine T. Burrito Loco Status: Taken. Major: Family sciences Do you prefer boxers or briefs: I like boxer-briefs on guys. What’s your favorite drink: Jameson What’s your favorite drinking game: Slap cup Are you a Gopher fan: Hell yeah! Who did you vote for: Barack Obama Best part of Burrito Loco: Working with Aubrey
the drinking game
Best part of attending the U: Meeting new diverse people. What’s your hometown: Lacrosse, Wisconsin If you could live anywhere, where would you live: Sicily Favorite place that you’ve ever traveled to: Chi-town Do blondes really have more fun: Duh Favorite show: Dance Moms So you must like Honey Boo Boo: Yep.
Recipe for Disaster
Doesn’t going to the insanely crowded mall at 5 a.m. on Black Friday with every psychotic soccer mom in town sound like a hell of a good time? No, actually, it doesn’t. Going on a booze run, hitting up the mall around noon, and taking a swig every time some shopper does something nuts is so much better.
What’s better than some hot, cheesy, meaty dip to complement your favorite beer while watching your favorite football team? Nothing. Well, maybe a quickie during a commercial break, but that’s about it. Instead of letting all that meat and cheese go bad in your fridge and stink up your apartment, make a dip that will over-satisfy your produce and dairy cravings.
What You’ll Need: Beer or hard alcohol and something to conceal it in (unless you don’t mind those mall cops angrily chasing after you). Number of Players: In the spirit of the holidays, the more the merrier! Level of Intoxication: It’s called Blackout Friday…
What You’ll Need: One package of cream cheese, one container of sour cream, as much meat and cheese as you can handle, a cup of some type of chopped veggie topping (tomatoes or bell peppers are best), lettuce and a package of taco seasoning. Cook Time: 15 minutes. Fatty Factor: Oh, like you even care.
How To Play: Take a swig of booze every time… - You witness a fender bender in the parking lot. - You see some punk-ass kid get away with shoplifting something useless. - Two women get in a fight over the last item on the shelf. - A fed up sales associate quits after being hassled by crazies all morning. - You hear someone brag about how they have been shopping since 4 a.m. - You see a screaming child left in a shopping cart. - You see a boyfriend or husband that’s been stuck holding his woman’s purse. - You see someone frantically drinking Starbucks for more energy. Game Ends When: You’re too intoxicated to be in the mall any longer so you stumble to the nearest bar.
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Let’s Get Baked: - Combine cream cheese, sour cream, and taco seasoning. - Spread the mix at the bottom of a serving plate. - Take whatever meat you have in that nasty fridge of yours-- whether it’s pepperoni, ham, bologna, lamb chops, it doesn’t matter! Cover the mix with meat. - Take whatever cheese is in your fridge and cover the meat. - Make it somewhat healthy by adding a veggie topping and lettuce. - Sit back, relax, crack open an ice-cold beer, and shove you face with the meaty cheesy concoction. Make sure you are using fresh ingredients. You don’t want to vom from eating bad meat, you want to vom from eating too much good meat!
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it’s turkey time!
Remember those amazingly hideous hand drawn turkey’s we loved to draw as a child? You know, where you traced your hand on a piece of paper, used the brown crayon to color inside the lines, and maybe add a sloppy beak? Well we rounded up some of our favorite imaginary tikes to check out their drawings, varying in personalities from extremely talented to extremely worrisome. By: Brendan and Quinn
The Future Serial Killer
The Hardcore A.D.D. Kid
What You’re Seeing: A perfect storm. A child with no regard for the feelings of other living creatures, an open willingness to act on these desires, and a lack of understanding of their wrongdoing - all in cutesy turkey form.
What You’re Seeing: “Teacher says I have to draw a turkey but did you know about airplanes? They go fast and so do lizards I like snakes so sometimes I draw snakes and this swirl means this finger is actually a portal to—hey, do you know who the 13th president was? It was Millard Fillmore, his name sounds like a duck, which is actually a mallard with an ‘I,’ did you know some lizards have three eyes, well they do and…”
Initial Reaction: “Oh look, Billy made us a cute drawing! Let’s put it on the refrig —Billy, give mommy the band saw.” This Kid’s Future: As Billy begins to mature, so will his art. In junior high he’ll master the human skeletal system, and be able to accurately sketch the different parts of the human skull, frenetically letting anyone within earshot know, “that the human skull is actually made up of fourteen bones fused together—the pterion is its weakest part!” In high school Billy will discover American Psycho, learning to quote it from memory. As he moves on to college, students on campus start to disappear. One day police will knock politely on his door, hearing a low, “Come in…” emanate from the other side. When they enter Billy will be joyously sitting in a kiddie pool full of blood, watching reruns of Ancient Aliens, waiting patiently to spend the rest of his life in the slammer.
Initial Reaction: “Well Thomas, this certainly is…some things on a piece of paper. Here, have some pills.” This Kid’s Future: After diagnosis and proper medication Tom lives a relatively normal life void of manic highs and crushing lows. As Tom’s parents leave him at college he vows to figure out life for himself, and begins weaning himself off of his pills. Some days things are brighter than they’ve ever been—other times he can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. After a particularly crippling bout with self-loathing he decides to self-medicate with his roommate’s psychedelics stash, thus beginning a long-term love affair with the Grateful Dead. Eventually he starts following a Grateful Dead cover band around the country, drawing trippy caricatures of audience members for $5 a pop, or a hit of acid, whichever they prefer.
What You’re Seeing: The genesis of genius. First, hand turkeys, then real turkeys, then jive turkeys, then the world! Initial Reaction: “Quick, are there any shady art schools that will accept hush money to get this kid into advanced classes like, right now?” This Kid’s Future: After Karen graduated from the Rhode Island School of Design at 16 she emancipated herself from her family to join a troupe of polyamorous artists on a voyage across the Sub-Saharan Africa. She changed her name from Karen to Sonoria, because that’s what her spirit sandwich told her to do. She finally ascends to the world’s stage in her early thirties, fulfilling her potential with the epic work, “We’re All the World’s Turkey,” in which she makes a statement on the globalization of genetically modified foods by duct taping rotten turkey carcasses to oversized globes. For this, she won a Nobel Prize.
The Early Puberty Little Asshole
The Refugee from a War-Torn Country
What You’re Seeing: Two weeks ago this kid discovered his little needle dick was capable of doing other things besides peeing. And now, the little bastard can’t get it out of his mind. Initial Reaction: “Wow you did a very nice job shading – wait a second… GET THAT DOWN FROM THE COCK I MEAN CORK BOARD NOW!” The Kid’s Future: He’ll grow taller than everyone in his class, and his mustache will sprout shortly after. Girls will be drawn to him, as he excels in youth football and isn’t shy to talk about his erection in public. He’ll start banging everything imaginable, from vacuums to pantyhose boxes to his grandma’s plastic couch. Nothing in the world matters anymore, sex becomes an obsession. In high school he gets into a habit of “hitting and quitting,” but since he entered the wonderful world of sexploration before being educated, he leaves a wake of disease yet to be encountered by mankind. You see, as he was humping away his adolescence, fungus combined from the couch, refrigerator, vacuum etc. into what will become the next Black Death. This kids is Patient Zero.
What You’re Seeing: This place has electricity and running water all the time? How does it get any better than this? Initial Reaction: “I’m—I’m crying because this is just so beautifully terrible!” This Kid’s Future: After getting the last flight out of Tripoli before shit really got real, Samir ended up living with his aunt and uncle as a refugee in the United States. His first Thanksgiving he’d never seen so much food—he’d swear he’d make the best life he could for him and his family. Years later he became a naturalized citizen, later becoming a outspoken community leader who really fuckin’ loves turkey.
The poor poor kid The fatty fat fat fat
The Kid Who Will Repeat Sixth Grade (Four Times)
What You’re Seeing: The wildest fantasies of a morbidly obese child come to life. This hand, with which I eat food, is now food? Initial Reaction: “Boy, take that paper out of your mouth. You know that’s not really food, right? The Kid’s Future: To ring in his 24th birthday Luther decided to hit up his local Taco Bell for their latest treat: The Cheesy Bacon Bean Bucket, 3,000 calories of maximum deliciousness. Exiting the store Luther began to sweat profusely, and he was forced to take a seat in the middle of the parking lot. Luckily, two paramedics in an ambulance were in the drive-thru lane, and they offered him their assistance. A brief jaunt to the hospital and several xrays later, it became apparent that young Luther would need extensive heart surgery to unblock some clogged arteries. He died during surgery. Luckily, his fatty body helped create some of the most delicious Soylent Green ever created.
What You’re Seeing: Hey, turkeys have eyes and mouths too, so this drawing isn’t all wrong, okay Picasso? Initial Reaction: “Sarah, this is a great drawing of…the Hamburger Helper mascot?” This Kid’s Future: At seventeen Sarah lost interest in the fate of Mr. Seuss’ green eggs and ham, so she decided to quit school, opting to try her hand in the workforce. After getting fired for trying to cook a steak in a tanning bed Sarah figured a life in the sex industry might be for her. She cashed her first paycheck from Brazzers -- which was for more money than she could count, literally—and she realized this was the life for her. After a few years of hardcore ATM, TAP, DA+DV, QLS, OFF and LRW she retired rich, happy and stupid to a trailer park in rural Alabama.
What You’re Seeing: “The assignment told us to use crayons but mom melted all our crayons and breathed in the smoke so I found some lead by the railroad, but then I lost my folder and it got lost in the grocery bag I use for a book bag. “ Initial Reaction: Well, he’s doing the best he can with what he’s given, but if his hand turkey is any indication of the turkey he’ll see on Thanksgiving, it looks like it’s going to be another year of Capri Suns and cigarettes for poor Jimmy. The Kid’s Future: Teachers will root for him as he does his best to attend as much school as he can. In high school he’ll drop out to take care of his younger siblings while logging a few online art classes at the local community college. Eventually he’ll knock up whatever else didn’t move on to college, instantly losing interest in each of his subsequent children. At one point his son will bring up a drawing of a turkey, but he’ll use it for a coffee coaster, telling Jimmy Junior all the turkeys are dead so they’re getting peanut butter for dinner again – but in the back of his mind he’ll remember his turkey, and how he too once dreamt of a career in art.
the search & find
Think you found everything in the Pleasantville Thanksgiving? Send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org, and let us know where it all is. If you're right, you'll win a prize!
madlib: Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade 2130 1) Old person
“Hi there, and welcome to the 2130 Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade! I’m your host, robo-__1__. I’m here with my beautiful co-host of a revived corpse, __2__! Say ‘hello!’”
“And look what we have here, __10__! A float for the 137th installment of __11__ franchise! According to my notes, in this laugh riot the gang travels to the __12__ of the __13__ in order to get __14__— “Hello to all our viewers out there!’ To who was convicted of trafficking __15__ think, just a little over 100 years ago, I was to the world’s most powerful country, too busy __3__ to even eat a Thanksgiv- __16__—back to __17__ in time to __18__ ing dinner, now I’m hosting the parade!” his __19__. It’s a surefire blast!” “Enough with the introductions __4__, “Now here comes a classic—the turkey let’s take a look at what this parade has balloon! As it turns onto 6th Avenue it— Oh…oh god! Oh god, no! The turkey has to offer!” burst into flames! It’s beyond belief! Be“First up today is the wonderful __5__ bal- yond imagination! I can see celebrity balloon! Can you believe the company chose loon handler __20__ running for her life. to brand themselves with a __6__? The She—she’s not going to make it! Peocompany really took a turn for the worse ple are taking shelter in the brand-new __7__ years ago, when founder __8__ re- __21__ Building! This is a day that will live in infamy. Oh, the humanity!” vealed that he’s actually a __9__.”
ALL DAY, EVERY DAY
2) Troubled celebrity 3) Illegal activity 4) Same as #2 5) Company 6) Weird logo 7) Number 8) Company founder 9) Weird thing 10) Same as #1 11) Movie franchise 12) Geographic feature 13) City 14) Character in #11’s movie 15) Illegal item 16) Country 17) Different country 18) Verb 19) Noun 20) Current famous person 21) Current up-and-coming company
EVERYTHING IS 2-4-1!
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