Vol. 10, Issue 7
The Black Sheep THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
FRE E. PAR .. LIKE TIC IPA ALLLL TIO LL T NP H OIN OSE TS.
2/20/14 - 2/26/14
STUDENT HORRIFIED UPON
VIEWING HIS PERSONAL SEX TAPE GAVIN O’MARA WROTE THIS Local student John Fassbender recently watched a sex tape he made with his girlfriend, and was horrified by what he saw. “It was just a big hot mess,” said Fassbender, “I had no idea our love making looked so gross, there was a lot of things hanging and flapping around.” John had always thought he was a regular pornstar in the bedroom. “My buddies in high school used to call me Ron Jeremy. Okay, in the interest of full disclosure, I used to call myself Ron Jeremy. Where I lacked in penis size, I thought that I made up for it in sex moves. Reverse Jack Rabbit, over the shoulder pony-style, the Hulk Hogan power bomb, even the Neil Patrick Harris. When it came to sex positions, my catalogue was bigger than LL Bean’s.” But after seeing the tape, John started to seriously doubt himself. “Could it be I’m not the sex machine I thought I was?” John pondered, “What the hell was I doing twisting my hips like that? I was trying to go for a swirl motion, but ended up looking like John Travolta having a seizure. Also the crying, I don’t remember crying that much.” After a couple more viewings, John started to place the blame on anything but himself. “No, it couldn’t be me, I ooze sex,” John said. “It had to have been the camera. Fucking iPhones, they can’t be trusted to capture the moment. The resolution sucked, it made my pecks look WAY smaller than they really are, I’ve been hammering out 115 on the bench, just killing it lately. And I know it looks like I have a slight beer belly, but I have a 3 pack, trust me, I’ve counted. Multiple times.” But it wasn’t just the camera that was the problem; he listed off almost every excuse that he could think of. “The fluorescent lights made me look really pale, I’m definitely not that pale,” John said. “That bed was too squeaky, man, it sounded like a mouse was getting murdered. And Keeping Up with the Kardashi- I mean Sunday night SportsCenter wasn’t on in the background. I need my pump up videos to properly perform.”
“You know who’s fault this really is? My girlfriend, Jenny’s.” From the evidence on the video, the blame was being unfairly placed by John. Objective viewers of the tape agree that his girlfriend, the aforementioned Jenny, is smoking hot and out of John’s league. Still, he rambled on.
As he scrambled for excuses, things started to get really personal.
“Yeah, its all her fault! Look at her right there! She looks like a beached
whale, she’s supposed to look like Jenna Jameson! She could really afford to lose some weight, too. You know she only has bigger C-Cup boobs, she needs at least a DD. I’d better call her and break it off, I need a girl that can make a porno like a star.” According to many sources, John was last seen drinking a Long Island iced tea by himself in the middle of the dance floor at Rick’s.
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THAT’S SO CO-OP
THE NEED-TO-PEE SEX-IN-THESHOWER DORM DILEMMA
THE COLLEGIATE GENTLEMAN’S GUIDE TO A RIVALRY
BEING A PSYCHIC: THE MOST CO-OP THING YOU CAN DO.
ONE DOES NOT SIMPLY PEE IN THE DORM BATHROOMS.
Keep Up With Us! @BlackSheep_MSU • theblacksheeponline.com
A FEW THINGS TO CONSIDER AS A DECENT HUMAN IN A BITTERLY HATEFUL RIVALRY.