Michigan State - Issue 7 - 10/2/2014

Volume 11

The Black Sheep

just Free! from Like gro eatin cery g d stor inne e sa r mp les.

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

25 THOUGHTS

Issue 7

DURING A SOLO TRIP TO MEIJER

Albert Maclin wrote this

You’ve held out for weeks eating leftovers and assorted expired foods, but now you only have half a bottle of mustard and a year-old pudding cup to your name. Despite having no way to feasibly pay for them, you have a desperate need for groceries (and alcohol). It’s time to take a trip to the Okemos Meijer – solo. The solidarity of the trip gives you time to look around and think: everything that goes on in your head during this trip is Twitter-worthy. Why not document it all in one place?

- This old lady greeting people at the door is adorable. Wonder if she’ll buy for me…

- All I want is hummus. Do I really have to navigate through all this produce to get it?

- Wait is that Meijer-brand sushi? You can always trust sushi from a store that sells car batteries.

- Is there such thing as too many pizza rolls? I’m thinking about a dozen bags is fine.

- Excuse me sir, is this heaven? Just the alcohol section, you say? Huh. Well I could have a decent birthday party here. Definitely going to hit up that greeter.

- But really, I think the alcohol section is the largest section in the store.

- Where the hell is the hot sauce in this place? Why am I looking for hot sauce? It would be so easy to just take it from Chipotle. That’s not ethical. Am I ethical?

- They make Capri-Sun in adult-sized pouches now. I must have this.

- Could you possibly not move so slowly while I’m trying to get past you? This isn’t Farm Lane it’s the cereal aisle.

- Jesus, woman, put your child on a leash. Its happiness annoys me.

- I don’t remember the grocery store at home having an international section…

- Excuse me woman with annoying child, quick question. How is it that I’m actively trying to avoid you, yet you end up being in my way in every aisle?

- So the hot sauce is here with the salad dressings? Not with the Mexican foods? It wasn’t here last time. Who did this?

- Why are there no windows? What is this, prison?

- Oh man. OH MAN. The bulk section is so exciting. This is the largest jar of peanut butter I’ve ever seen. A two-gallon container of marshmallow paste? Excellent. A can of baked beans that’s a foot tall? Count me in, for sure.

- A fish aquarium? That’s just asking for trouble in a college town. I bet these Meijer-brand fish would be hardy little bastards.

- Is that guy wearing a Michigan hoodie? In Okemos? Really? Did he

see their record?

- The Fault in our Stars is on DVD? Girls probably want to have sex with guys who own that movie.

- Shit, I know that person. Head down, walk straight, and pretend you’re texting someone. Avoid contact at all costs.

- Okay, so are pumpkin spice condoms real or not? The holy grail of bedding basics is out there somewhere.

- 12 items or less they say, but who here will stop me?

- Wait, the girl in front of me is paying her $80 in coins. COINS. - Is that Cosmo? I’m totally not even interested in “10 Sex Moves That

PAGE 5

PAGE 10

AN HONEST ATTEMPT AT A SPARTAN RESUME

DISGRUNTLED MAINTENANCE WORKER HATES YOUR EXISTENCE

WE GIVE IVANNA AN A FOR EFFORT.

HE DOES NOT GET PAID ENOUGH FOR YOUR SHIT.

Will Rock Her World” on page 65. On second thought, I guess checking page 65 couldn’t hurt…

- Since when does a grocery store need a leatherworking shop?

- Don’t even get me started on these coupons. Do you really think I want 12 coupons on different fabric softeners?

Upon arriving home, you open the fridge and immediately realize that you’ve forgotten something – as always. You skipped the Coke bottles, so this trip was essentially worthless. Looks like you’re chasing with milk this weekend. Sparty on.

PAGE 12-13 THE BLUZZSHEED WE TAKE A PAGE FROM THE BUZZFEED BOOK AND DO OUR OWN IMAGE-WITH-QUOTE SPECTACULAR!

FOLLOW US @BLACKSHEEP_MSU OCTOBER 2nd, 2014 - OCTOBER 9th, 2014 THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

PAGE 3

A FEW MORE WAYS

BEAT OUR CAPTION!

TO KILL SOME TIME.

THE GROSS SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME GAME!

THE NIGHT CALLER “This is what it looks like when the sex industry gets its hands on genetic engineering.”

Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!

WORD of the WEEK

BRILLIAIN’T A word used to describe something one initially thinks is genius, only to later discover that it isn’t.

When I initially thought of this fake word I thought it was brilliant, now I know it’s just brilliain’t.

The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!

GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. To the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is.

Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer.

If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

1

Dropped out of high school at 16.

2

Is functionally illiterate.

3

Born in High Point, North Carolina.

# # #

PLAY WITH US! @BLACKSHEEP_MSU

PARTY PICS

Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS What piece of media would benefit most from replacing one work with “ass”, and what does it turn into?

MOLLY “Fear and Ass in Las Vegas.”

MADDI “Poké-ass.”

JAKE “Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Ass-kaban.”

06

A FOR EFFORT

THE TOP TEN

Ways to Kill a Boner Ladies, The Black Sheep knows you get to that point where you just don’t want to bone anymore. Your man fellah has been practicing his longevity for so long that he lasts well into your sexual overtime and it’s time to call the mercy rule on your chaffing insides. But you’re no quitter! You want him to stop of his own volition, so we’ve got ten ways to turn that hot rocket into a pile of Silly Putty so you can finally go to sleep.

10.) Pour some gasoline on him: Nothing is afraid of fire more than penises. We’ve checked. Just tell him you have an immolating monk fetish and when he finally realizes what that means, Russell the Love Muscle will have ducked and covered.

9.) Pretend you’re Jaws when giving head: Just make your eyes black and lifeless, like a doll’s eyes.

Lick your lips and bare your teeth and just as you’re about to go downtown… Bam! We’re gonna need a bigger boat.

An Honest Attempt at a

SPARTAN RÉSUMÉ Katelyn Hallup wrote this

We know that as a Spartan your resume is brimming with prestigious internships, previous employers, and lots of volunteering opportunities. And that’s totes awesome if you’re at a job interview. But The Black Sheep don’t really give a frick about all that jazz. We care about your real resume. The list of achievements that you brag about to skanks at parties and would die of pure shame if your Gram-Gram ever found out. We’re guessing it looks something like this...

Ivanna Nothershot soccerchick94@yahoo.com • 517-384-1717

8.) Bring out some scissors: Tell any guy that you have a thing for Edward Scissorhands and he might hesitantly accept it. But bring some scissors into the bedroom and watch his flag fall to halfmast.

7.) Tell him how much you want a baby: Every guy has been told his whole life that the worst STD you can get… is pregnancy. Keep telling him how much you want to be a mother and how much your child will look like him, he and his little buddy will faint on the spot.

6.) Remind him of his mother: Casually find out her name earlier in the day and then demand that he call you by it during coitus. Start calling him son and… you know what? He’ll probably just leave you. Save this one for the break-up.

5.) Tell him your sex song is “In the Arms of the Angels”: Hopefully you won’t be boning that one guy who gets hard from animal abuse, otherwise, no one can keep it up when they’re thinking of frowning pit bulls and one-eyed cats.

4.) Get bubble gum in his downstairs: The only thing worse than getting gum in your hair? Gum in your pubes. Just blow a big bubble when you’re headed down south and watch him flip out. He knows what’s next is some hardcore manscaping that he’ll never forget.

3.) Get a “Property of Ray Rice” tattoo: If he’s willing to beat up his fiancé and not give a shit, imagine what your boy toy will think Mr. Rice will do to him. If he can keep up even half a chub while imagining that kind of beating… we think he earned it.

Michigan State University ‘17 Major: Fuckery with a Minor in Drunk Texting PERSONAL ACHIEVEMENTS: - Can shotgun a beer in 20 seconds - Most believable fake orgasm noise maker - Passed CSE 101 with a 2.5 - Has studied in the Main Library, not once, not twice, but THREE times!

- Once flashed titties to a nerd and gained free computer repair - Developed the perfect system for smuggling food out of the caf (hint: Tupperware) - Most Coherent Drunk Texter Award 2014 - Doesn’t even make an ugly face after a swig of Jager - Read the “One Book, One Community” book, freshman year - Was followed by the @MSUpartystories Twitter handle - Has never left a sweater, purse or bottle of alcohol behind - Once made 13 beer pong shots in a freakin’ row - Can endure up to 15 minutes of giving a BJ without getting sore lips - Flirted SO HARD that a nerdy Economics professor raised grade from 2.5 to 3.0 - Knows all the state capitals. Even Vermont. Especially Vermont.

- Somehow drunkenly made it back to Case Hall from Lansing - Barely cried at The Fault in Our Stars - Can flawlessly rap the intro to Chris Brown’s “Look at me Now” - Once got three girls to make out at a party - Successfully cheated on a final exam by using the ol’ water bottle trick - Featured on your buddy’s dope-ass mix tape - Sold a bottle of Zantac heartburn medicine to an unsuspecting Freshman as “Xanax” If you really want to impress, delete your professional resume and hand this one in to a potential employer instead; they love people who are candid! Plus, the skills listed above are a hell of a lot more impressive than “knowing how to fluently speak Russian” or “Interning for a Congressman.” Good Luck out there in the real world Spartans, if we missed any of your impressive personal achievements please tweet them to @BlackSheep_MSU!

2.) Criticize his fantasy football lineup: Men have few things as sacred to them as setting their fantasy football lineups. Violate that and his erection will fall harder than every team that drafted Adrian Peterson this year.

1.) Tell him you lost your virginity to Brady Hoke: Nothing against Mr. Hoke, but imagining him writhing in pleasure on top of your, no doubt, beautiful body as you moan about his mediocre record this season will bring down the biggest of pythons.

MSU Staff wrote this

PAGE 6 • HEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

REAL PPL

LCC Q&A #Truth MSU Staff wrote this

The Black Sheep has a soft spot in our hearts for Lansing Community College students. We know that nobody likes community college. Having heard horror stories throughout the years about that Lansing purgatory, we wanted to find out for ourselves. We sat down with Pat Cohen, a former LCC student who transferred to MSU last semester, to hear the truth about what it’s like at community college and what his life is like now at Michigan State.

The Black Sheep: Thanks for sitting down with The Black Sheep, Pat. What is your opinion on MSU so far?

Pat Cohen: Thanks for having me. I’ve been here at MSU for a hot second, and like, the biggest difference: the beautiful babes. I can’t walk down Shaw without bumping into some pole or sign.

The other day I almost got hit by a car on Wilson because of some yoga pants.

TBS: Have you not been outside in the past year? Every chick is always wearing yoga pants.

Pat: Bruh, at MSU the girls can pull them off. Over at LCC, the only girls wearing yoga pants are over 200 pounds with their ass up the front and titties out back.

TBS: That sounds awful. Are there any other major differences?

Pat: All the classrooms have ashtrays and they play Michael Jackson over the PA system in the classrooms. It’s real quiet, but I’ve been sittin’ in my ART 121: Introduction to Crayons class and heard “Billie Jean” in the background. Shit’s bizarre.

Also, there’s a lotta ugly lookin’ chicks offering

up all sorts of shit under the table in class. That’s the last thing I wanna see when I’m sitting in the back of the class, some guy in front of me getting a handie while I’m trying to take notes!

TBS: That sounds like some real rough times, Pat. Pat: I’ve been through some shit, bruh. Have you ever had a teacher say, “I can’t teach you shitheads. Suck a dick,” and walk out? That is just how LCC rolls.

TBS: Insane. Has there been anything like that at MSU for you?

Pat: Everything here is pretty chill. I’ve seen some dudes mean-muggin’ after I said I was a transfer from LCC, though.

TBS: Did you ever find out why?

Pat: Yeah, actually. It was really freakin’ shitty, too.

I heard that I wasn’t a “true Spartan” because I didn’t start here as a freshman. Some people look down on what I did, but ya know what? Fuck ‘em.

TBS: “True Spartan”? We hope you kicked some ass for that one.

Pat: Nah, I didn’t whoop any ass…I did piss in their gas tank and I may have started a rumor one of them has AIDS…But yeah, that “true Spartan” shit was crazy. I couldn’t believe it. They looked at me like I was just visiting. I was thinking like, “shit, bruh! I pay tuition just like you!” I’ve only encountered that “true Spartan” shit a few times, though. Besides that, everyone is pretty gravy.

TBS: Thanks a lot for sitting down with me, Pat. Pat: Thanks for helping us transfers out! It’s good to hear that someone out there respects the hustle. #Haterz.

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True life:

I Got the Plague from Olin Danielle Jacosalem wrote this

Yolanda Smith is a student just like you—trying to figure out how the hell she’s going to tackle fifteen credits while being hammered all weekend, wondering if the frat guy she made out with last weekend will call her back, and hoping that her mom will come up for lunch and buy her real food. It was the beginning of her freshman year, and she had such high hopes for the beginning of her life in East Lansing. Unfortunately for Yolanda, she was about to embark on the worst ride of her life.

hell is Sava’s? I don’t need brunch, just a Number One and fries. I just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible.”

Yolanda endured a long fifteen hours of A2 before returning to the Promised Land. She spent her Sunday sleeping, only to wake up on Monday morning with a terrible pain in her throat. She wasn’t too concerned. Yolanda made an appointment at Olin Health Center.

me that it was because of the random tundra Mother Nature dumped on Michigan and my bad habits.”

“Go to Olin,” they said. “They’ll help you,” they said. Yolanda believed them.

It all started after Welcome Week festivities. Yolanda finally got to spend her first weekend in East Lansing; knowing that, she wanted to see what kind of a time Ann Arbor could give her.

Yolanda waited for an appointment and made her way to the clinic. She was asked completely irrelevant questions, like if she came for free condoms or if she could circle her pain on a dry erase board. They did the usual and sent her off with generic cold medication.

“‘Go to Olin,’ they said.

‘They’ll help you,’ they said. Yolanda believed them.”

NOW LEASING FOR 2015-2016

“I thought it was harmless,” Yolanda winced. “All my friends from high school said it would be fun, but I couldn’t understand it. Like, how do you live without Conrad’s or Sansu? What the

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“They told me it was just a routine sore throat,” Yolanda claimed. “I knew it had to be something more, but they told

She woke up two days later with red spots. That’s right, we’re talking a rash— and the type that cortisone won’t fix. She returned to Olin that day, where she was told that it was all her fault. She walked away with a rainbow pack of lube-free condoms and no cure.

The plague came like that quote all girls have on their tumblr—slowly, then all at once. “It’s been hard to keep up with school,” Yolanda claimed. “I’ve been told that it started as a routine case of strep, but it’s just escalated beyond that. All Olin’s done is tell me to stop drinking

and to exercise more. I mean, I’d like to hear that from a doctor, not a medical representative. What is that, even?”

Normally a nice, tan lady, Yolanda has taken a yellowish green tint and sports a rash that has anyone within five feet of her to run. Her eyes are constantly bloodshot and eyewitness accounts claim that she’s oozing. The CDC is baffled at the progression of her illness,

which is unlike anything they’d seen before. Yolanda has now been enclosed in a bubble, you might see her rolling around campus. Her ailment is still unknown; it appears to be a collective reaction to being told she’s overreacting, lack of treatment, and continued exposure to idiotic dry erase pain charts.

We contacted an Olin representative for this story. Olin has refused to comment.

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21+only; Minors allowed with parent/guardian until 10

MONDAY - FRIDAY: Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer

SPECIAL NIGHT

FRIDAY! Open @ 10! $3.50 Pints, $3.50 Jager Bombs & Johnny Vegas EDM DJs til Close

Game Day Specials: During Lions/MSU/Wings/Tigers $2 Domestics and $1.50 Off MI Crafts, 1/2 Off Small Plates

HAPPY HOUR 4–7 HALF OFF APPS & PINTS

Thursday 10/2

YOU WON’T BELIEVE IT TIL YOU SEE IT!

Hospitality Night 10pm-1am: 1/2 ALL Michigan beer/liquor, 1/2 off all small plates

HAMBURGER HEAVEN $2 All-You-Can-Eat, 2 til 10 Burgers, Hot Dogs, Fries & Salads $2 Pints, $2.50 Soco Limes, Kamikazes, Long Islands, $3 Doubles & All Shots

Friday 10/3

Open @ 10! $3.50 Pints, $3.50 Jager Bombs & Johnny Vegas EDM DJs til Close

Happy Hour 3p-6pm; $2.50 wells, $2 off food, $4 select pints Late Night: 10pm-Midnight; $3 Call Drinks; Absolut, Jim, Jack, Jose, Bacardi, Tangeray

SPARTAN PEP RALLY Outdoor Bar & Firepits $3.50 Pints, $3.50 Jager Bombs & Johnny Vegas

Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers

Saturday 10/4

Open @ 10 $3 Pints, Fireball, Kamikazes & Washington Apple Shots EDM DJs til Close

Open for Lunch! SundayWednesday 11:30am-Midnight Thursday-Saturday 11:30am-2am

MSU vs Nebraska! GO GREEN! MSU Tailgate Broadcast Live Bobby Standel 4 – 8 $3.50 Calls & Fireball Shots Game @ 8 – Post-Game Party DJ til Cl

Sunday-Wednesday: Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight: 25% off entire tab for restaurantbar-hospitality industry workers

Sunday 10/5

COMING SOON! AN EXPERIENCE YOU’LL NEVER FORGET

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HALF OFF Pizzas HALF OFF Adult Beverages ALL DAY – ALL NIGHT

Sunday Brunch & Bloody Mary Bar 10 a.m.-3 p.m: Special menu of made-to-order breakfast items and our famous make-your-own Bloody Mary Bar | Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight: 25% off entire tab for restaurant-bar-hospitality industry workers

Monday 10/6

YOU WON’T BELIEVE IT TIL YOU SEE IT!

Happy Hour 3p-6pm; $2.50 wells, $2 off food, $4 select pints Late Night: 10pm-Midnight; $3 Call Drinks; Absolut, Jim, Jack, Jose, Bacardi, Tangeray

HALF OFF Pints & Pitchers

Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight

Tuesday 10/7

COMING SOON! AN EXPERIENCE YOU’LL NEVER FORGET

Happy Hour 3p-6pm; $2.50 wells, $2 off food, $4 select pints Late Night: 10pm-Midnight; $3 Call Drinks; Absolut, Jim, Jack, Jose, Bacardi, Tangeray

TWO DOLLAR TUESDAY $2 Drinks, Pints & Bottle Beers Better Than 1/2 Off Anywhere Else, NO COVER

Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer

Wednesday 10/8

YOU WON’T BELIEVE IT TIL YOU SEE IT!

Ladies Night 4-11pm; $3 glass/$9 bottle of wine, 1/2 off apps for ladies | Late Night: 10pm-Midnight; $3 Call Drinks; Absolut, Jim, Jack, Jose, Bacardi, Tangeray

HALF OFF WEDNESDAY! Wings & Beer $3.98 Burger & Beer $4.98 Pizza & Beer $5.48 Caesar Salad & Long Island $5.98

Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight

Thursday 10/9

COMING SOON! AN EXPERIENCE YOU’LL NEVER FORGET

Hospitality Night 10pm-1am: 1/2 ALL Michigan beer/liquor, 1/2 off all small plates

HAMBURGER HEAVEN $2 All-You-Can-Eat, 2 til 10 Burgers, Hot Dogs, Fries & Salads $2 Pints, $2.50 Soco Limes, Kamikazes, Long Islands, $3 Doubles & All Shots

Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers

Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers

Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer

Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers

Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer

Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight

Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer

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THURSDAY! BURGER BASH (3PM – 8PM): $1.25 BURGERS, $1.25 WAFFLE FRIES, 1⁄2 off All Wells, Calls, Bottles, Drafts, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs BURGER BASH (3PM – 8PM): $1.25 BURGERS, $1.25 WAFFLE FRIES, 1⁄2 off All Wells, Calls, Bottles, Drafts, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs 8pm-Close: $2.75 All Call Drinks, $2.75 Miller Lite, Coors Lite, and Rolling Rock Bottles, $2.75 Soco-Lime & Kamikaze Shots, $3.75 Long Islands

CRAFT DRAFT

SHOTS

SATURDAY: Jacob Powell Live in SAT: $5.99 Ham, Egg, and Cheese Concert! 18 & up Welcome, Breakfast Sandwiches (9AM-11AM) CARAMEL APPLE - Crown Royal, Apple Schnapps, Butterscotch Specials run Monday SOFT PARADE - SHORT'S BREWING, 9.0% Fruit BeerCover $6 for 21+ & $8 for 18-20 $0.50 Drafts 4p-10pm Schnapps 4 $6 34oz (Bellair, MI) $5 Mixed Drinks for Ladies All Sunday All Day & Night! (while supplies last), $4 Long JOHNNY VEGAS -Tequila, Watermelon Schnapps, Red Bull, 5 Night! Free shuttle from campus dorms TWOand HEARTED ALE - BELL'S BREWERY, Islands $2.50 Bacardi Bombs 7.0% American and businesses, call (517) 351-5296 IPA (Kalamazoo, MI) $4

CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH - Rumchata, Fireball

BLUE MOON - COORS BREWING, 5.4% Witbier

(Colorado) $5 $2 Domestic Drafts and $2 Wells (6pm-11pm)

GUINNESS - 4.2% Irish Dry Stout (Ireland ANGRY ORCHARD - SAM ADAMS, Hard Cider (Massachusetts)

9/16/2014 2:56:24 PM

The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT

4

$2 Domestic Pints & Wells, RANCHER Electronic DanceJOLLY Party, 18+ - Amaretto, Melon Schapps, Sprite 4 $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints, Nightly Drink JAGER Specials BOMB - Jagermeister, Red Bull 5 Schawarma Sand$3.50 Beef Free Shuttle from Campus, $5 PATRON 7 wiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads, Call (517)-351-5296 $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads

Thursday 10/2

MACH 5 - Crown royal, Rumpleminze, Fireball, Bacardi

Pure Country Friday! No Cover Charge

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ALL DAY IPA - FOUNDERS BREWING, 4.7% / Imperial IPA 151, Jagermeister (LIMIT 2) 8$2 Domestic Pints & $4 Bombs, $2 Domestic Drafts and (Grand Rapids, MI) $4 5 Domestic Bottles in a Bucket $13 $3 Captain & Bacardi Drinks, $2 Wells (6pm-11pm) 80oz Domestic Draft Tower $13 $2 Washington Apple Shots, HUMA-LUPA-LICIOUS SHORT'S BREWING, 6.9% Purchase a Tower or Bucket and $5 Grey Goose, $3 Jose Cheeseburger Combo/Falafurger Royal, Apple WASHINGTON American IPA (Bellair, MI) $4 $2 off of your get food tab! APPLE - Crown Schapps, Cranberry 5 Cuevro Cinge, and $3 Fireball Combo w/Pitcher $11 Dom/$13 Craft Free Line Dance Lessons @ 7:30pm HACKER-PSCHORR - HACKER-PSCHORR, 5.3% hefeweizen (Germany) $5

GO GREEN, GO WHITE!!

CIROC BOMB - 6

Jacob Powell Live in Concert!

Go Green! $5 Domestic & $7 Craft/Pre$5.99 Ham, Egg, and Cheese HONEYLICIOUS - Baileys Vanilla, Cinna-twist FAT TIRE AMBER ALE - NEW BELGIUM BREWING, 5.2% 18 & up Welcome, miumSmirnoff Pitchers, $5 16oz5Long Islands, Breakfast Sandwiches (9AM-11AM) American Amber / Red Ale (Colorado) $5 $6 for 21+ & $8 for 18-20 Cover $5 22oz Dead Guy Ales, $2 SoCo Limes, JAMESON - 5 $0.50 Drafts 4p-10pm $6 34oz Mixed Drinks for Ladies All $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our (whileLAGUNITAS supplies -last), $4IPA Long Islands American | 6.20% ABV California, Night! Free shuttle from campus dorms "Other" Wines, $12.95 Surf N Turf, United States $5 and $2.50 Bacardi Bombs and businesses, call (517) 351-5296 $2 off All Veggie Entrees CURIOUS TRAVELER SHANDY - THE TRAVELLER BEER CO., 4.4% Fruit Beer (Vermont) $5

Closed for Detroit Lions Football!

Please call (517) 332-2959 to Schedule Your Bar Crawl MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL 1⁄2 off Pitchers $4.75 Domestic, $6.25 Premium $3.25 Blue Shots $2.75 All Call Drinks $2.75 Miller Lite, Coors Lite, and Rolling Rock Bottles $2.75 Soco Lime & Kamikaze Shots $3.75 Long Islands

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COCKTAILS $3 Managers Choice Craft Beer Pints,

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AMSTEL LIGHT 4 BUD LIGHT 3 BUDWEISERof3Bud Light and $1 Bottles BUD LIGHT PLATINUM 4 Budweiser (11AMMidnight) COORS LIGHT 3 CORONA 4 $2 CORONA Domestic Drafts and $2 LIGHT 4 Wells DOS EQUIS (6pm-11pm) 4 HEINEKEN 4 HEINEKEN LIGHT 4 LABATT BLUE 3 LABATT 1/2BLUE OffLIGHT Craft Beers on Draft 3 NEW CASTLE BROWNMidnight) 4 (11AMRED STRIPE 4 $2 Domestic Drafts4 and $2 Wells NEGRA MODELO MIKES HARD 4 (6pm-11pm) MICHELOB LIGHT 3 M.G.D 3 REDDS APPLE 3 MILLER LIGHT 3 VANDERMILLS CIDER 6 $2 Domestic Drafts and MOLSON CANADIAN 3

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Friday 10/3

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Saturday 10/4 Sunday 10/5 Monday 10/6 Tuesday 10/7 Wednesday 10/8 Thursday 10/9

PAGE 10 • HEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

LOCAL REPORTING

DISGRUNTLED MAINTENANCE WORKER

HATES YOUR EXISTENCE Garrison Rasmussen wrote this

“Let’s shove fruit down the toilet!” drunkenly exclaimed freshman Lance Berkley, streaking by maintenance worker Mark Terry, who’s been begrudgingly employed at Michigan State University for 30 years.

“Oh great, another one of God’s precious little shit miracles I have to clean up after,” scoffed Mark, annoyed that the idiocy level was already high at 9:00 a.m. on a Thursday. As he wandered up to his scheduled log appearance in some random room on the seventh floor of Hubbard, hatred brewed in his eyes, longing for the days when kids would puke out rejected Hamm’s in their own garbage cans. Nowadays, kids did everything humanly possible to annoy the ever-loving shit out of maintenance workers just like Mark. At least that’s what he assumed. Why else would someone knowingly plaster the walls with fecal matter?

As the sad curmudgeon ascended the stairwell (because of course the elevators were out of order in the largest

dormitory on campus), he saw running water flowing down. “If those shits actually shoved an orange down the toilet, I will shove it down their throats after I yank it out,” grumbled Mark to himself. Of course, when he entered the room, water was everywhere, shit was flowing out the door, and the instant a turd touched Mark’s shoe, his patience committed seppuku.

“ARE YOU KIDDING ME?” screamed Mark, loud enough for the lobby to hear. “I don’t get paid enough for this shit! This…this ACTUAL SHIT!” As Mark snapped, revenge formed in his eyes. What could he do to make sure these little shits knew what terror felt like? He thought of just walking away from the mess, letting the next sap who checks the log book deal with it. He also reconciled himself to the realization that murder would be too difficult considering he’d have to clean up afterward. So instead, Mark decided to just go about in his pitiful existence, muttering self-help comments to himself to get him through the day.

After he cleaned up the fruit incident, Mark proceeded to go downstairs, having another go at the log book. He mopped the floor after a kid slipped in some milk. He turned to admire his work, only to see some little puke wantonly throw an empty, crinkled bag of chips over his shoulder and onto the floor. As Mark quietly wept to himself, he glanced outside only to see a kid doubled over in laughter as another removed himself from a gaping hole in a bush Mark had manicured to perfection just the other day.

“I DON’T GET PAID ENOUGH FOR THIS SHIT! THIS…THIS ACTUAL SHIT!” Mark thought to himself that perhaps kids just didn’t see maintenance workers enough, so later that day he continued to wipe down every table in the cafeteria, even to go as far as placing restaurant napkins at every chair. “This surely will bring appreciation to us

maintenance workers!” Mark thought hopefully. Mark didn’t mean to brag, but he transformed a cafeteria normally famous for serving mystery meat into appearing as a five star restaurant.

As kids piled in later that day for lunch, Mark sat at a table, smiling to himself, hoping diners would soon notice.

However, students started tossing the napkins onto the floor, plowing into their food like a Michigan student would presumably with his girlfriend, if ever given the opportunity. No one noticed the napkins. No one cared.

Later that evening, Mark still sat, absentmindedly staring at the ceiling, wondering where he went wrong. Just as he was about to leave, the host came up, with a smile on her face. Hopeful that he’d receive some recognition, Mark perked up just as the hostess said, “Hey, you need to get all this shit off the floor. We’re closing up.” As she walked away, Mark folded his napkin, and proceeded to use it as a pillow as he wept on the table.

“At least one napkin was used,” thought Mark, as a tear rolled down his cheek.

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BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Single • Major: Finance Favorite Drink: Pumpkin ale • Favorite Shot: Tequila Disgusting Drink: Anything too sweet.

What do you think Captain Morgan is hiding behind that moustache?: A tattoo of a mustache.

Ordering a martini in a college bar is…: Wrong.

Where’s the last strange place you’ve woken up?: A park bench.

What now-irrelevant athletic achievement are you most proud of?: A hole-in-one in golf.

What chain restaurant is criminally underrated?: Carrabba’s because of the bread and oil.

If you had to fill a mason jar with tears in 24 hours or less, how would you do it?: Showing kitten and puppy videos to people.

SCOTT of CRUNCHY’S

THE DRINKING GAME DON’T PUKE IN YOUR SHOES! Hey you stupid, drunk idiot, don’t puke in your shoes. Aren’t you sick of that mushing between your toes every time you put your shoes on in the morning? Just aim to the left a little bit!

What You’ll Need: Some sort of container (garbage can, mop bucket, not a pair of shoes, etc.)

Number of Players: Two (Player one is the puker, player two cleans up and has a shitty night.)

Level of Intoxication: High enough to need to puke in an odd item, low enough to have the capability to choose something other than your shoe.

How to Play: - Go out to a bar and get accurately drunk enough to fall within our recommended “level of intoxication.”

- Stumble back home (do NOT lose your shoes).

- Arrive home and take off your shoes.

- At this point, it may be good strategy to hide your shoes or throw them onto a high platform (shelf, top of the fridge) that way you can’t possibly puke in them.

- Focus intently on your garbage can or bucket (do NOT look away).

- When you finally have to puke, aim for the garbage can or bucket (may also be a good strategy to play with a teammate who can intercept your shoes from your path of puke).

The Game Ends When: You puke (a win or loss is determined by whether you feel something warm and oddly comfortable in your shoes the next morning).

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!

How do you shave a rooster?: Carefully.

Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it’s funny.

RECIPE FOR DISASTER WASHED-UP MASHED POTATOES Look at that shit. Do you see the spuds winding out of its side? It’s disgusting that a potato like that is even still around. Didn’t it know its time was up weeks ago and it should’ve just gone out on top when it was at its peak? Let’s get rid of this guy once and for all – get your oven mitts! It’s time to make some washed-up mashed potatoes.

What You’ll Need: A sense of grit, determination, and nerves. This potato overstayed its welcome and you are NOT happy about it.

Cook Time: As fast as possible, if we wait any longer it may start to root.

Fatty Factor: Don’t worry about this; it’s all going to be worth it when it’s over.

Let’s Get Baked: - Grab that son of a bitch and shave those gross growths off its side. Does it even think about how it looks when it goes out in public?

- Snatch a pot and fill it with boiling-hot water. Then boil it some more. This guy isn’t making it out of here alive.

- It’s time to truly embarrass the potato. Shave the skin off and leave it sitting bare on the counter. It didn’t have the self-respect enough to call it quits at the right moment, now look what it’s clinging on to – a life of naked worthlessness.

- BOIL IT, BOIL IT, BOIL IT. - Watch it shrivel up like the washed-up potato it is.

- Now throw it out in the trash. You’re not eating this recipe today, folks. This time it was all about setting things straight.

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

The BluzzSheed Buzzfeed has made a name for itself by posting gifs and pictures that go viral, and to be honest we’re a bit put off here at The Black Sheep. What they do isn’t very hard, you’ve just got to find a random number of pictures and a sentence that any schmuck can relate to, just like a horoscope.

To prove our point that we are the superior media conglomerate, we’ve tried our hand at their little game. Without further ado, we present The Black Sheep image-with-quote spectacular!

4 Pictures That Will Remind You That You’re Just a Speck and What’s The Point of Taking That Midterm And What’s the Point of Anything Really

Banana Boy wrote this Look at us just floating out there.

5 Sloths Blissfully Unaware Their Homes Are Being Destroyed to Make Paper This idiot’s smile won’t last long.

Look how tiny we are. What’s the point?

This sloth’s tree is getting burned to the ground.

This guy’s best friend just got frozen.

This guy’s home was destroyed so you could hold this paper in your hand.

The guy’s family tree is now mulch for your garden.

All those people look like ants. Are our lives really worth more than theirs?

According to Men in Black, aliens play marbles with our galaxy, why shouldn’t we play more?

6 Monkeys Wearing Dresses That Share 99% of our DNA So It’s Not Weird To Find Them Attractive

She’s scared of you, too.

I’ve got a thing for famous actresses.

3 Babies That You’ll Never Believe Turned Into Assholes

Get a load of that smile.

Maybe not a 10 but a 6 at least.

Check out that cleavage!

She’d totally bang her boss to get a raise.

These 6 Squirrels Wearing Hats Make You Realize How Much You Miss Your Mom

This asshole committed arson.

These two assholes stole 15 million dollars.

This little prick started World War II.

Remember going to the Fourth of July parade with her?

Remember when she used to make you sandwiches?

Remember when she’d get you ready to go out in the snow?

Remember when she told you to stay away from Shriners?

You won’t see her on your birthday.

Remember watching Peter Pan with her on VHS?

Quarter

PAGE 14 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

BLACK SHEEP GUIDE

How to Stop COCK-BLOCKING YOURSELF Molly Burford wrote this

Do you constantly find yourself watching your potential lover’s back as they sprint away, rather than staring longingly into each other’s eyes? You, my friend, may be a serial self-cockblocker (or self vag-blocker; we don’t’ want to discriminate against sexualities). But fret not! Just because you were born with less game than Darko Milicic doesn’t mean you can’t develop a façade of suave! Here are a few simple steps to ease your journey.

Step One: Play in Your Own League: The first step to putting a halt to the perpetual cockblock is to stop chasing people who are so clearly out of your league. You aren’t meant for most people everyone, and that’s okay! If he or she is a solid 8 and you’re a 3, then forget it. Yeah, you may have great personality, but that doesn’t matter until pageayou’re ad 50 = 5” X 5.5” and w divorced.

Stayhwithin your league; you’ll notice your rejection rate decline by at least half.

Step Two: Check Your Laugh: Laughing is the heart and soul of all solid relationships. If your laugh sucks, nobody is going to point to you and say, “Yes, that is my person.” Remember Chandler

and that one lady from Friends? Yeah, she was awful.

Don’t be her. Change it if you have to. Practice for hours until you’ve achieved the perfect chortle.

YOUR LAUGH IS IMPORTANT. IF YOU SOUND LIKE A DYING GOAT, FETCH WILL NOT HAPPEN! Step Three: Stop Trying To Make FetchText Happen: Yes, we live in the day and age of constant communication, but since we’re assuming you’re clingy and not very witty, let them text you. This will give the aura that you don’t care (which will automatically make you more appealing) and it won’t give you the opportunity to cockblock yourself. However, if they do actually engage you in text convo…

Step Four: Consult Everyone and Anyone Before You Respond: Sure, it’ll take longer for you to respond, but this adds the mystery you’ve been lacking. This also will prevent you from sending embarrassing three-page texts after they just asked you a simple, “what’s up?” Just make sure your text-checkers aren’t fellow self-cockblockers.

Step Five: Stop Oversharing on Social Media:

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Anyone you g e t i nvo l ve d with is going to be crazy. This is guaranteed.

H o w e v e r, i n order to hide your brand of insanity for as long as possible, s to p p o s t i n g every fucking emotion, thought, and update on the interwebz.

If you’re lucky enough to have your potential lover as a friend on Facebook or if they happen to follow you on Twitter, be cautious about what you share.

In fact, Google “witty statuses” and only post your accomplishments (or fake accomplishments; who has to know?).

Step Six: Inflate their Ego: People love to talk about themselves. Bitches love compliments.

Utilizing these two principles is guaranteed to up your game. Just don’t talk about you or fish for compliments; they don’t care enough yet.

Step Seven: Once You Know Your Own League, Know They’re Just As Shitty As You: We’re guessing that you’re not that attractive, funny, smart, or driven. That’s ok, not everyone can be as suave as The Black Sheep, so stop trying to be. Just embrace your ugly, humorless, unintelligent self.

If you exist, someone just like you exists too, and they’re just as scared of you as you are of them! So, you’re going to scare people regardless; just make sure you scare the right person!

Whether you believe it or not, you can control your romantic destiny! Together, we can fight to put an end to self cock-blocking, one loser at a time.

The only relevant shirts for football season

FEEL SOME TYPE OF WAY - RICH HOMIE D

comes with a FREE Koozie! - blacksheepswag.com

the WALK THROUGH CAMPUS madlib ___1___ is so alive in the fall! Just walking around campus and smelling the ___2___s and leftover ___3___, seeing the freshman skanks with their ___4___’s exposed groping the ___5___-year-old locals - god, they’re so cool - hearing the roar of the ___6___ bottles rolling into the gutter… I just love it all!

As I walk past the bars, I just can’t help but feel a tingle in my ___7___ at the thought of finally downing a___8___ with a ___9___ and a ___10___ beer-back. Once I turn 21, everything will change. Sure, I could get a fake ID, but with this baby face, who’d believe it? Plus it’s so much better to wait, right? That’s pretty much my philosophy on everything, at least that’s what my mom wants me to do.

Seeing all the lecture halls brimming with kids in front of their computers, reading up on ___11___, watching ___12___ do the Ice Bucket Challenge and seeing the hundreds of pictures of ___13___’s baby - who just turned three! - really gets me excited to hit up my remedial math class. I love creeping, er, watching over the shoulder of that cute ___14___ as she scrolls through page after page of Tumblr; I feel like I’m really getting to know her. Who needs math anyway? I’m an ___15___ after all!

Finally flopping down on my lofted bed in ___16___ after a long day of learning is the icing on the cake of a classic college day. Hitting up ___17___ with my ___18___-loving roommate is always a highlight, mostly because we get high (heh) off of his sick ___19___ and then light (heh) a doobie on the walk over there, and just go hard on some ___20___ and ___21___. Freshman 15, my butt!

It’s really these simple days that make me appreciate how badass it is going to ___22___. So maybe I’ll spend another night watching ___23___ and hangin’ with my floor mates, but it’s all about the memories, man, all about the memories.

CLUE BANK

1) Your college town 2) Type of flower 3) Late-night food 4) Body part 5) 30-something age 6) Type of liquor

7) Body part 8) Strong mixed drink 9) Novelty shot 10) Average beer 11) Latest hashtag trend 12) Random old relative

13) Your (annoying) homecoming queen 14) Hair color 15) Your major 16) Freshman dorm 17) Campus cafeteria

18) 60s rock band 19) Smoking apparatus 20) Savory food 21) Type of cereal 22) Your university 23) Terrible reality show

15

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