The Black Sheep FR
Lik wi e Jo sh rd es an he J wa effer s. so
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 1, Issue 2 11/8/12 - 11/14/12
50 Shades of Late
Justin Calais wrote this
The LSU bus drivers’ “I got better things to do than make sure you get to your destination” attitude is the ultimate turn-on for the horny LSU student populous. Nothing’s better than seeing two buses full of students go by, knowing you’ll have to wait another 20 minutes for a driver to meander his fat ass into a seat to start his route. How can anyone not feel the tingling sensation down under as they watch bus drivers smoke their cigarettes and chat with other bus drivers as the precious minutes tick away? After being on the bus counting down the precious minutes until you’re home from class; it’s time for a cold shower to calm the raging hormones and throbbing erections. Yes, waiting for the bus is like riding the steamin’ semen roadway all the way to Pleasure-ville. It’s understandable that bus drivers need a 20-minute smoke break after those 15-minute route quickies on the giant purple phall-bus. After all, driving around campus engorges the sex organs like you wouldn’t believe. We should commend them for only taking 30 minutes to replenish their energy before another round. Driving their routes feels so good on their naughty bits that they have to stop to tell all their fellow drivers about it. People need to understand that driving the buses is not just about getting people where they have to go; it’s about heightened arousal for nymphomaniacs garbed in Tiger Trail livery. Sure, the bus drivers claim to wait so they’re not close to another bus on the same route, but they’re simply lying. These sex fiends are secretly super horny. They really want to move, but can’t because they’re about to shoot a quivering mound of love pudding everywhere. Their throbbing members are ready to burst at the slightest sexual sensation. The best bus rides are the ones where you have someone’s ass in your face. It’s like a bus-riding mega-orgy, all musty, crowded, and sizzling. Who doesn’t like the smell of unwashed ballsack in the morning? After the bus has been stagnant for half an hour while Bobby Busdriver tames his tallywacker, we are all patently waiting for some sexual direction from our fearless leader. The anticipation is almost too much to bear.
Don’t hate the player, change your lane
And when bus drivers really want to turn the sexy up a notch they begin treating students rudely. It lights our fire when they leave all of our good morning greets ignored. It’s even hotter when they don’t even look in the student’s direction; only focusing on busting a nut while trying not to kill fifty LSU students. The lack of friendly reciprocation has nothing to do with a bad attitude; they’re just currently engaged in a bus-gasm. Those bus drivers who can say good morning aren’t doing it right, since they have time to talk when the sex…uh, route… is so good there are no words that need to be spoken.
what’s inside The penis Monologues
How Gotye helped cause a hangover.
what’s the deal with waist bands? they’re killing me!
So let’s applaud these sex gods for what they are: campus’s true sexual mercenaries. Shame on those so-called “good” bus drivers who don’t make us wait on campus, they just kill the mood. Everyone knows the best part of sex is the foreplay. Tease us a little more, bus driver, we welcome the sexual anticipation. It’s okay for you to get up and stretch, exposing that erotic hairy ass in those belted khaki pants. But don’t wait too long, because when you step on the bus – that’s when the real fun begins.
What are you going to do with that?
Why did I major in English? Oh, because I love to answer this question.
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? firstname.lastname@example.org
page 6: the Top 10: Crutch Words If you use these words, like, go take an English class. Literally.
page 7: from the streets Would you rather cheer for Alabama or shower at Penn State?
page 9: an ode to bacon: a love poem to one of the 12 reasons worth living.
page 11: The Black Sheep Interviews
our chat with AWOLNATION, the brainchild of Aaron Bruno.
page 12: bartender of the week Chris from Splash thinks June 9th would be a fabulous National Gay Day.
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last week’s answers
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Emmy Rossum & Orlando Bloom
word of the week Brotive:
Any reason a guy lists for joining a fraternity.
“Dylan’s brotives for rushing were simple: beer and sex.”
Don’t Hate the Player, Change Your Lane Erin Douget wrote this Anyone whose life revolves around the LSU campus is familiar with the deadlocked auto crawl that takes over Highland Road at five o’clock every weekday. This past Monday, we threw logic to the wind and attempted to fight our way to the Highland Neighborhood Wal-Mart in the late afternoon. We left campus around 4:55 p.m., despite being fully aware that we were doomed to death by traffic. Here is a play-by-play of the drive:
5:03 p.m.: We’ve passed the light at Parker and now continue on down Highland. However, now everyone has stopped moving because the CATS bus ahead is making another required stop. Now we have to wait for people to file off the bus and then wait for the bus driver to decide to leave. Of course the light ahead turns red, so there still is no movement from the bus.
4:56 p.m.: We leave the parking lot next to Lockett Hall and make our way towards Highland after going through several on-campus stops. After a near miss with a bicyclist, we feel slightly on edge. Stupid bicyclist. Why is it that every time we are trying to get somewhere in as little amount of time as possible, one of these two-wheeled circus clowns decide that the perfect place to do a wheelie is right in front of our car? We make a right onto Highland. Once we get to the intersection we see that the cars are already backed up as far as the eye can see. Perfect.
5:07 p.m.: The car is now in park. We keep switching the channels on the radio because there is nothing of interest. “Somebody That I Used to Know” plays twice in a row. Gross.
5:01 p.m.: We’ve turned onto Highland and we’re trying to advance down the road. Where Nicholson Extension feeds into Highland is one of the trickiest spots on all of campus; there’s usually multiple people attempting to cut any innocent driver off, while there are countless others who seem to be watching for UFOs with slack jaws and glazed eyes as they stride into the middle of the intersection. A woman pushing a stroller while taking in the sky’s view narrowly misses the wrath of our front bumper.
5:09 p.m.: Now we’re getting aggravated. We haven’t moved at all. A legless man in a Hoveround is going faster than the flow of traffic crawls in the Highland Plantation parking lot. “Somebody That I Used to Know” comes on after a brief Weezer interlude. We sing along for a minute before slipping into a downward spiral of self-loathing until Daft Punk’s “One More Time” hits the radio. 5:12 p.m.: What the hell?! Why would any DJ follow Daft Punk with more Gotye? Why have the radio gods decided to hate us? And why are we still not moving? Do we really need to go to Wal-Mart? Why do we continue to go there in the first place? Have their greedy, capitalistic hooks dug that deeply into our hides? The “empty” light on our dashboard snaps us out of our daydream. This is not looking good. 5:14 p.m.: No actual movement, but we feel like we’re flying
because the mounting frustration has pitched us into a feverdream state. A few high school boys decided to give a free concert from the driveway of their house. It’s pretty awesome that they would come and play so that shitty traffic can become a psychedelic, loving experience. Way better than listening to f***ing Gotye. 5:20 p.m.: Finally! We’ve made it to the finish line! It only took me twenty five minutes to drive a little more than a mile down the road. Now that we’ve finally arrived we go to the Daiquiri Café to forget about that long, shitty drive. Wait, where were we going again?
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The Dick Monologues Samantha Bares wrote this I am a dick. No, I mean it. I am an anatomically-correct phallus, with testicles, veins, and feelings—all oversensitive and throbbing. Sometimes I wake up on the wrong end of the blood flow and wish I were invisible, but I am erect and standing tall for everyone to see. It’s humiliating, how this naturally-occurring greeting sees me treated. If you’re so disapproving, why give it a name as cheery-sounding as morning wood, and not morning-wouldn’t-you-stop-that? Can’t I perform a simple wakeup call without being insulted, harangued, and wrestled into a strangling grip by a waist band? I am not a soulless joy stick; I am a working barometer of your circulatory system, dammit. And you will respect me. Speaking of disrespectful, let’s talk about so-called manscaping. What about the title “Vascular Wonder” makes you think sharp objects near me are a good idea? I am like an oak tree, a gloriously full-bloomed evergreen that shades your lawn and preserves precious natural fragrance. It is an affront to nature to strip me of my clothes and leave me shivering with no chafe protection. If you’re going to wear those itchy tweed pants or Chubbies that fit way too close for comfort, I’m going to need some foliage to level the playing field. It’s only fair. You heard me, Diddy. Respect the dong or I’ll treat you to a white party for which you won’t have enough warning to send out invitations. I fear for my own safety most days. Dicks are, for the most part, marginalized in terms of safe work conditions. The clashing metallic gears of a zipper have done me wrong countless times. I feel the bite of their cold (or, even worse, hot) teeth on my skin like Egyptian slaves felt the whip while building the pyramids. Actually, I would much prefer to be the dick of one of those guys rather than that of men today. No ancient Egyptian would be caught dead or mummified in those awful skinny jeans, and linen is such a pleasant, breathable fabric. Not to mention that the existence of pyramids implies they worshipped my kind as much as, if not more than, haughty felines. (Not to brag, but there’s one Sphinx and a bajillion pyramids down there.) There’s a society that treated dicks with respect; they built monuments to me! I was glorified! No metal torture device blocked my view of the outside world, promising pain of snags with every jiggle and step. Ah, those were the days. There’s one thing guys today and pharaohs of old had to deal with, though. Every once in a while, my two best friends, whom may or may not be nicknamed Nut Lachey and Nut Carter, get a little sweaty and tired from the day’s dangle and take a break on the thighs, ending up in a formation looking suspiciously like the wings of bats. The result of these batwings is often uncomfortable, but gives me enough air to gather my thoughts and
The Top 10
Crutch Words 10.) Honestly: Usually found lodged between a “like” and a subjective statement, this crutch only serves to affirm your shallow personality. Honestly, it’s like they’re trying to sound like a moron. 9.) Basically: The person that uses this doesn’t trouble themselves with the details; they want the big picture and nothing more.They will strip any idea of unnecessary baggage and force blank stares from you when they regurgitate their interpretation. It’s basically like watching someone drive a car. (It makes sense if you don’t think about it.) 8.) You Know: The interjecting of “ya’knows” between statements has long been a staple phrase of “the moron.” This person is well aware that their communication abilities suck and they are making every effort (after every sentence) to make sure you’re following their train of thought. 7.) Irregardless: This is a word crutch in the sense that it is an extremely irritating non-word that makes one want to put the user on crutches. We’re in college; we should know the difference between “their,” “there,” and “they’re.” Furthermore, we should know better than to use a fictitious word. Double negatives are like heroin: you use it once and get addicted to the pseudo-intellectual babble that is spilling effortlessly from your mouth. Heroin might be worse, but not by much. 6.) Okay: This one is found right at the beginning of a sentence and is usually followed by an exasperated sigh and a bulleted “so.” It’s also used to interrupt people while they’re talking, so that it sounds like you actually give a damn about what’s coming out of their mouth. Shut up and listen, okay? 5.) Seriously: This one is seriously an annoying word. How would we know they weren’t being serious of they didn’t tell us? Seriously, stop it.
regroup. Then they come together again— after a bit of prying by the trusty fingers— and we’re a team again. This isn’t incredibly well-known, but the term wingman actually derives from this testicular tactic. They’re my best buds for a reason, but things do get crowded down here. Sometimes a dick needs room to work his mojo, you know, Joe? Of course, the most prominent topic at hand is sex. Simply put, I get a bad rap. People toss out words like vulnerable, obnoxious, and premature. I had a rough childhood, okay? Dicks are scary to girls up until a certain, variable age. I wanted to scream that it was weird for me, too, but who really listens to a kid who’s mid-puberty? My Nuts are my main bros now, but back when they moved into the neighborhood, we weren’t so close. I mean, we were, but— you see what I mean. I cried a lot (the fingers, palm, and I had a love-hate thing going on) and the Nuts were even more sensitive than I was. I remember the first time we met a foot. You said something you shouldn’t have and the surprisingly rough sole of a little Mary Jane knocked us silly. A dark day in the boxer-briefs, my friend. And this is only one example of gross mistreatment.
4.) Personally: The Black Sheep is all about personal opinions, but we’re subtle about throwing them at people (sometimes). Anytime someone starts a sentence with “Personally...” We all know that the words to follow will be lacking in substance and credible weight. Everyone is entitled to an opinion, but that doesn’t mean it should be shared. 3.) Um, Ah, or Uh: Shifting gears from one topic to another, or even from one word to the next, can be a struggle. The “ums,” “ahs,” and “uhs” are the gears grinding in your brain as you struggle to spit words out of your face. There’s nothing more embarrassing than stalling a car, or in this case, your brain. 2.) Literally: This is literally one of the most overused and annoying crutches. It’s used incorrectly by placing it in front of an obviously untrue statement. Pick up a dictionary, try to figure out how to spell “literally,” and bash the book against your head until you get the definition through your skull.
I am manhandled, shoved into strange, uninviting vaginas until it all gets to be too much, and I go limp in peaceful protest. The backlash from that and the consequent evil Viagra dosing has scarred me to the core of my seminal vesicles. I am grated by over-enthusiastic teeth and given a rub-down through the scratchiest pants ever worn by man. I am kneed by children at parties or whiffle-ball bats on your favorite home videos. I go through a lot of shit, is all I’m saying. I am a dick. I am, if we can get literal, ballsy and invasive; this is true. But condemning me for it is a phallic fallacy. I am connected to your heart in both a vascular sense and an emotional one. For come on, isn’t the whole point of a patriarchal society to give mr credit?
1.) Like: Valley girls unite. If you’re incapable of speaking without interrupting yourself every other word, you need to slow down and, like, um, think about what you’re, like, going to say. Personally, I think that word crutches are literally worse than murder. Seriously. Okay, but like honestly, it doesn’t matter if English is “hard.” Irregardless, you need to figure it out, because basically, you sound like an idiot if you don’t. Ya’know?
Nik Strand wrote this
From the Streets
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
Would you rather cheer for Alabama or shower at Penn State? “Cheer for Alabama because I’m selfconscious about getting naked with Penn State.” - Zoe G., Junior
“Shower at Penn state, because I have family at Penn State and to hell with ‘Bama!” - Edgar H., Sophomore
“Neither, but I’ll run naked through the quad.” - Diamond B., Freshman
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An Ode to Bacon
TBS staff wrote this
Bacon—a word known to all people on earth A substance immeasurable, in terms of its worth Its taste is divine, its scent always pungent The term “delicious bacon” is simply redundant
Have you not taken all of what bacon can give? Have you not tasted bacon, fresh cooked and sizzled Placed directly on your tongue and then happened to jizzle? It’s perfectly natural; all baconovours have them Referred to by science as a “Bacongasm” Buy nay, do not join us, live life in your own light Because if bacon gets short, you’re one less person to fight
It was created long ago, when man lived in caves And Wildboarous rex roamed the Earth for days With a spear, a vision, and a hunger most primitive Man created bacon and began to truly live It was cooked with dinosaurs and, of course, their eggs Man first consumed bacon, then walked on two legs Things happened fast, but bacon was there From the wheel to the sea, from the earth to the air The Wright Brothers ate bacon before their first flight Tyson ate bacon before every fight Jordan’s fingers were slick from bacon as he won his sixth ring Bacon is what helps Adele graciously sing But it doesn’t end there, the impact is far greater Armstrong ate bacon inside the Moon’s craters Through good times and bad, bacon’s sustained For our bacon-lust is great and we just can’t refrain Medically speaking, its powers are infinite Did you know the Polio cure had bacon in it? Some may say “Bacon? Bahh, not for me” And claim to be happy while still bacon-free To these people I ask, “Have you not lived?”
Remember the country you live in today And those who fight to eat bacon our way In piles, in heaps, by the truck and the pound The most American act is scarfing bacon down Coal turns to diamond, pig turns to bacon If you don’t like this meat your tongue is mistaken It has given us all more than we can measure Picking us up through the stormiest weather When cooking bacon, always wear a shirt To avoid being burned, splattered, and hurt Serving this treat is all up to you Eat it off platters, plates, or you kinky friend’s boobs The taste is the same; some say it’s a miracle But man’s connection with bacon is deeply spiritual And as I make my breakfast each ‘morn I thank the Bacon Gods I was born For I have enjoyed the purest form of happiness In fact, I’m eating bacon right now as I’m drafting this To my fellow friends and baconosseurs, I thank you for recognizing bacon’s allure
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And for those who still doubt, well, that’s okay Just remember that bacon will be there one day Bacon is joy, bacon is new beginnings Bacon is salvation for all of your sinning Bacon can be frozen and made into jerky But there’s one thing it’s not! and that’s fucking turkey So only eat true bacon when you choose to indulge And try to ignore that mid-belly bulge Bacon, mankind owes you everything and more Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go to the store.
ou y n a c y O sa ? e i v o m s i see th
In honor of Veteran’s Day, and just because we generally love America more than any other publication on the planet, we went ahead and reviewed four upcoming movies that will bring out the patriot in you. If you don’t leave the theater chanting “USA!” after these movies, then you can see yourself to Canada, friend-o. By: Brendan and Quinn
Lincoln: Nov. 16
Django Unchained: Dec. 25
Daniel Day-Lewis isn’t a stranger to taking on powerful American motifs (There Will Be Blood, Gangs of New York, The Crucible, etc.), so expect nothing short of greatness as he takes on Honest Abe in the twilight of his presidency. Steven Spielberg focuses the film on Lincoln’s struggles to unite the country and permanently end slavery with the Thirteenth Amendment.
Where Lincoln focuses on some boring white bureaucrats looking to reunite a divided America through the guise of ending slavery, Django Unchained promises no such thing. Quentin Tarantino’s latest is a western that sees a recentlyfreed slave and his bounty hunter buddy searching for Django’s enslaved wife, Broomhilda.
Since the film focuses on latter-day Lincoln, DayLewis won’t be shirtlessly wrestling townboys or chopping down wood. Don’t worry, you’ll still get a nice American pride-boner in watching a vehement president willing his country forward despite a drastically (and literally) dichotomous nation. Such is a boner we just don’t get very often these days.
This movie is nothing less than a blood-spattered Declaration of Independence. Life? Well, by default everyone in this movie is alive (for part of it). Liberty? It’s a film featuring a freed slave hunting down his wife so she too can ascend beyond the shackles of bondage. The pursuit of happiness? Uh, getting laid and killing slave owners should make most anyone grin ear-to-ear.
But, much like Pursuit of Happyness provided a peppering of “the American Dream is still real” for down-and-out viewers, and Jurassic Park gave hope to disenfranchised dinosaur enthusiasts - Lincoln will hopefully inebriate the American people into hoping a divided nation can move forward as a union and that legislators would realize a house divided against itself really won’t stand. We’ll also inevitably yearn for a time when we could have a president whose debatable religious affiliation and beard wouldn’t instantly draw months of media coverage and “terrorist” accusations.
Beyond that, the trademark Tarantino stylization mimics the way we choose to view those early American documents we hold so sacred. A black slave named Broomhilda Von Shaft? Only possible in a Tarantino flick, much the same way we conveniently look past the inherent racism in those early documents. Freedom of speech (for white people). Freedom to elect leaders (for white people). Freedom to bear arms (for white people). Freedom to enjoy Django Unchained outside of historical context (for everyone).
Our Favorite Trailer-Quote: Here stepped out upon the world’s stage now with the fate of human dignity upon our hands. Blood’s been spilled to afford us this moment.
Our Favorite Trailer Quote: Kill white people and they pay you for it? What’s not to like?
Red Dawn: Nov. 21 This fall we’ll be treated to the rehashing of a 1984 movie that frames the Cold War versus the Soviets in a way that romanticizes revolt in the face of Communist conquest. This 2012 flick paints the evil-but-inept North Koreans as invaders of Washington, the state. Oh America, land of the paranoid and home of the almighty dollar. Since the days of Alexander Hamilton the United States has always been concerned with her positioning on the world’s stage. This movie calls out to these fears because really, North Korea, a country swept by famine and sporting a paper tiger military is going to somehow launch a secret invasion on American that we couldn’t repel in like…10 minutes. Unless… Unless, of course, the movie was shot with China as the bad guys, and last-minute changes were made because money is more important than artistic integrity. Uh huh, in post-production the bad dudes were changed to North Koreans even though, again, an attack by them would result in the swift and total annihilation of anything sporting a PRK logo. Do you smell that? It’s not napalm, it’s money. Our Favorite Trailer Quote: We inherited our freedom, now it’s up to all of us to fight for it.
Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2: Nov. 16 If you’re thinking, “Wait, the last three movies were like, super American, and this isn’t American at all,” it’s because you’re a typical American, looking to be spoon-fed easily-digestible content. And that’s what makes the final installment of Twilight American. It spoon-feeds easily digestible content to the greatest demographic on the planet: teenage girls. None but the entertainment powerhouse that is America could churn out four vampire-themed romance novels at a fourth grade reading level, then turn those four shitty books into five shitty movies that make upwards of $700,000,000 each. EACH! Nothing is more American than profiting off of young girls’ emotions, cramming it down the rest of the world’s throat, and distracting us from harsh, difficult realities with an easy to argue Team Jacob vs. Team Edward debate. As you leave the theater, nothing should make you more proud than knowing that that theatric abortion is one of the stabilizing forces in the failing global economy. USA! USA! USA! Our Favorite Trailer-Quote: So beautiful... we are the same temperature now.
We caught up with Aaron Bruno, the founder and front man of the electric rock band AWOLNATION. Their latest album Megalithic Symphony was released in March 2011 and is available on iTunes. He was nice. By Michael McSherry The Black Sheep: So let’s hear a little bit about how the tour is going so far. What are some of the best and worst things about it? Aaron: The best part is getting to travel around the country – we’re selling out almost all of our shows, and it’s a huge accomplishment to be the band that gets to headline. The hard work paid off. We had to build it from scratch, and we were so different from anything else when we started. It’s a wonderful thing. It’s very flattering and humbling to see the fruit of your labor. And the worst part about this tour, well, it’s not easy to maneuver around like I used to be able to. I can’t just walk out into the crowd and watch the other bands that I’ve become friends with. I can’t just wander around the vicinity of the venue. TBS: Well, AWOLNATION has been very well received in a relatively short amount of time since its founding a few years back. Megalithic Symphony has gone platinum in the United States and double platinum in Canada. Millions of people are hearing you on their TVs and online. With all this going on, where do you see AWOL going from here? Any big plans on the horizon? Aaron: I try not to see too far. I try to think of what’s the next goal, what’s the next thing I have control of. It seems like the ball is rolling; it’s a machine that’s got a lot of life left in itself (laughs). So I try to focus on the new songs I’m writing, getting excited about the new stuff and pushing myself and the listeners into new and uncharted waters. Hopefully the listener and I can grow together. TBS: AWOLNATION is your brainchild. Let’s hear about how you got the whole project started. Aaron: I never really “started” the band; it was already happening, if that makes sense. I’ve always been writing these songs, and with my previous bands it was always collaboration, so I figured if we ever wanted to do something solo I’d have some songs to put into it. When my last band broke up, I had all of these songs I’d written so I figured great, I’ll record them. For me, writing is something that I can’t stop doing, and if you’re really passionate about something, it never really goes away. When it came together, I called it AWOLNATION, something I had in my back pocket for a while. TBS: What’s the strangest thing that’s happened so far on this tour? Aaron: Countless things, but the thing that really stuck with me was at our first show on the concert. We were in Philadelphia and it was a free outdoor concert, so about seven thousand people showed up. It poured rain, right after Imagine Dragons played, so you know, perfect timing of course (laughs). So it got delayed maybe forty-five minutes while it was raining, and we figured everybody would just pack up and go home. We were going to play no matter what, even if only two people stuck around, because that’s what you do. But when we got out there, it seemed like nobody had even left. People were soaked, crowd-surfing, and it was beautiful. Then, out of nowhere, a bride and groom just showed up on stage. They must have walked right out of their reception to grab a cigarette or something, but they were up there on stage with us. So we’re playing this sort of dirty, grimy, epic show, and then you see a bride in all white. And it was just so absurd to see, and I’m still not sure what to think about it. TBS: Last question… Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, and Nicki Minaj. One joins your group, one covers your songs, and one loses their voice. You choose. Aaron: Did you just say Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, and Nicki Minaj? (Pauses) This is difficult, so thank you for that . I’m not particularly fond of any of them… I guess I would say I’d want Nicki Minaj to join the band. Miley Cyrus has got to lose her voice. Justin Bieber can cover us—he would reach the most ears at least. I’m going to have to ask everybody else what they think.
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
Lincoln in theaters november 9
Abraham Lincoln is all the rage these days (hunting vampires and what not), but this film is a bit different than that. Directed by Steven Spielberg, Daniel Day-Lewis stars as the 16th U.S. president as the film focuses on his crazy final months in office. Also starring Tommy Lee Jones and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, this movie validates anyone who has two last names.
breaking amish Sunday, November 11 at 9pm on TLC
This riveting show follows Amish teens battling with the decision to stay with their Amish culture and family, or to bust on out to get drunk in New York City. In the season finale, secrets are revealed, tempers flare, and Abe and Rebecca realize planning a wedding is hella hard. Not as hard as milking a cow and not using electricity, but still pretty damn hard.
Crystal castles - iii Out November 13
If you think Crystal Castles is so 2010, think again. Alice Glass and Co. are back with their third album, addressing the theme of oppression, which includes album art of an award-winning photo of a mother and son who were teargassed in Yemen last October. If that doesn't scream party, then meta electronic beats, diverse sounds and Glass screaming her face off should.
bartender of the week christopher g. splash If you could create a holiday, what would it be: June 9 -- National Gay Day (6/9)
Relationship status: Taken Major: Cosmetology Favorite drink: Starburst: Bacardi Dragon Berry, triple sec, sour, Sprite, grenadine, lemons, and sugar Favorite shot: Liquid sucker: Bacardi Wolf Berry, triple sec, Sprite, Red Bull, Blue Curacao Worst drink ever: Incredible Hulk: Hennessey, Hpnotiq, soda water What celebrity would you most like to punch in the face: Kristen Stewart, just to see a real reaction on her face. What is the worst pick-up line you’ve heard on the job: “You know, if you want this… you can get this!” What’s the funniest thing you’ve seen on the job: Two drag queens fighting.
the drinking game
wizard duels Sometimes drinking can give you the illusion that you have magical powers. However, what’s the point of having magic powers if you don’t get to carry around a big-ass wizard staff? What You’ll Need: Beer and tape. Number of Players: At least two. Level of Intoxication: If you’re going for “Gandalf the White” status, then you’ll get pretty smashed. How to Play: - Find a partner or group of people and get a case of beer to share. - Put on some rap music and begin drinking the beer. - Once you finish two beers, tape them together at the ends. - Attach each subsequent empty beer to the end of your new wizard staff. - After every five beers you “battle the Balrog,” which means you take a shot. - Once you run out of beer, or are not brave enough to continue drinking, pick a partner and duel with them using your staff. We know wizards do not typically have sword fights with their staffs, but it must happen sometimes, right? The Game Ends When: Once the duel has a decisive victor, the winner is awarded another beer. The loser also gets a beer for a consolation prize. With The Hobbit about to hit theaters in just above a month’s time, it would be a good idea to practice your wizard staffing now. It is also just a good skill to have. You never know when a dragon is gonna threaten your fellowship.
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What dead person would you most want to bring back to life: Brittany Murphy, love her. If you could have any superpower, what would it be: To breathe underwater, so I can drown in my liquor. Boxers, briefs or freeballing: Briefs, of course! Who do you most want to have a tickle fight with: Derek Shepherd. I love his hair and I want to see it bounce when I tickle him. If you could be any type of food, what would you be: A quesadilla, because it’s everything good wrapped into one. *wink* What did you want to be as a child: A whale trainer. I loved whales and dolphins – and still do! What is the weirdest thing your significant other has ever said to you: “Mees, I’m out of toilet paper, get me some paper towels.”
Recipe for Disaster
pizza ramen Ramen and pizza are quite literally the only things that our editor ever eats. This is not uncommon for a college student, however. Ramen is really the only thing you need; pizza is just for special occasions, like NBA games and drunk splurging. What You’ll Need: Prego pasta sauce, sausage, mozzarella, pizza crust, pepperoni, and Ramen noodles. Cook Time: 30 minutes. Fatty Factor: More sodium than you can possibly fathom. Let’s Get Baked: - Boil up some water and toss in the Ramen to cook. - Either grill the sausages or cook them in a pan on a stove top. - Heat up the Prego on the stove. Place cooked Ramen and sausage into the sauce and mix. - Spread the mixture onto the pizza crust (which is even better if you warm it in the microwave first) and top with mozzarella and pepperoni. - Go be poor some more. If this recipe was any more “college” it would have beer and cigarettes in it. The great thing about ramen is that it goes with almost anything. Don’t be afraid to get crafty and throw some weed in it or something. The world is your oyster.
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What Are You Going To Do With THAT?
Justin Calais wrote this
Yes, I decided to major in English, despite what my friends, relatives, and pretty much every other human on the planet told me. I swear to the Honey Badger up on high that next time I have to stand here and smile as someone feigns interested in my major while patronizingly asking me, “What are you going to do with that?” I am going to Hulk smash the shit out of them. Using the word “that” to refer to a degree pisses me off more than anything. It only takes four years of sleepless nights and thousands of dollars to obtain, no big deal. Just go ahead and undermine all that. It doesn’t hurt my pride at all. Sorry my degree in English isn’t as important as a degree in the science field. All the cool kids go to school to save lives or invent stuff, and the losers major in things like interpretive bird calling or tree house design. Many college students, especially those who aren’t engineering majors, get asked this ugly question at least once in our academic career. Not only are we interrogated as if majoring in something other than engineering is a crime, but they also make this horrific face as if someone demanded their first born as tribute in The Hunger Games. Please, Mrs., it can’t be that hard to figure out what I want to do with my creative writing degree. And yes, of course I am going to die lonely and depressed on crystal meth with my pen in my hand. It’s going to be epic. No, wait. That can’t be right. When faced with this question, the best thing to do is keep it classy and use my advanced linguistic training to answer with a sharp tongue. What am I going to do with that? I’m planning to get a job, get money, and contribute to the wellbeing of society. This is my talent, and I am going to use it in whatever way I see fit. Whether or not you find those talents of value means nothing to me. The mere fact that I am being asked such an absurd question shows that you haven’t the smallest clue as to what an English degree entails.
BATON ROUGE, LOUISIANA
Let me assure you that writing essays and researching for papers isn’t a piece of cake, not even to the best of writers. English majors learn communication skills. Every word you see in the world had to be written by someone. If you are that person who doesn’t feel the question is such a big deal, shame on you. How dare you entertain the disrespect. You make sure you let that d-bag know it’s a goddamn degree. This isn’t just some piece of paper that will hang on my wall to show my grandkids, this degree has merit and worth. Instead, I’m going to hold my degree and try to tell my grandchildren the story of how I had to put you in your place when you disrespected it, but because of illnesses that affect my memory, I’ll start screaming about pudding. We can’t take this laying down anymore. All degrees are valuable and everyone should respect them as such. Look at the bigger picture here, this is but a small step in the disrespect of all your hard work. So next time you are asked that question, just tell them, “With my DEGREE, I plan on doing BOSS SHIT.”
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Can you figure out this riddle? Do you know the answer to said riddle? Wow, really!? Well, send your answer to firstname.lastname@example.org and if youâ€™re right, youâ€™ll win something sweet!
rappers and their lyrics Across
2) It was all a dream, I used to read Word Up magazine 6) With so much drama in the LBC, it’s kinda hard bein’ ____ 8) Fake shoes, that’s that shit I don’t like 9) I got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one 10) Black and yellow, black and yellow 14) See Caroline, all the guys would say she’s mighty fine 16) ‘Cause shotgun bullets are bad for your health 17) Move, bitch, get out the way 18) You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow, this opportunity only comes once in a lifetime 20) Ten, ten, ten twenties on ya titties, bitch
4) Now baby you’re the truth, so I’m just being honest. You treat me like a king, so that’s why you’re my highness. 5) Kick, push. Kick, push. 7) ___ ain’t nothin’ to f*ck with. 11) Today, I didn’t even have to use my A.K. I got to say, it was a good day. 12) To all, skeet, skeet, motherf*cker! All, skeet, skeet, god damn. 13) I do suicides on the private jet, you know what that means? I’m fly to death. 15) Crush a bit, little bit, roll it up, take a hit. 19) I don’t hate players, I don’t love the game. I’m the shot clock, way above the game.
1) So I pick the world up and I’ma drop it on your f*ckin’ head 3) That’s just the way it is, things’ll never be the same, that’s just the way it is
Meet The Staff campus manager Scott Cornelius Editorial manager Kricket S. Dezendorf Advertising Managers Lyle Currier Sergio Orellana-Camargo Writers Justin Calais, Samantha Bares David Schwab, Erin Douget Brad Schoen photographer Sara Sicona distribution manager Sean-Patrick King
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campus director Brendan Bonham owner Atish Doshi Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers Questions? email@example.com Advertising? firstname.lastname@example.org 608-712-0900 Hate Us? email@example.com
Balfor Bogies Caliente Curious Goods Freds Frosted CupCakes Fuzzys Hello Sushi JL’s Mama Goldbergs Mikes Daiquiris
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The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
Little Ceasers Kaminari Sushi & Twin Peaks Hibachi Pleckers Raising Cane’s Carriages Fine Clothier Slinky’s Reginilis Koi Sushi Rotolos Chinese Combo King Schlitz and Giggles Chelseas Menchie’s SO MUCH MORE! Walk Ons GREEK HOUSES! NorthgateTavern APARTMENTS! The Pita Pit Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Ave. Suite 1 Chicago, IL 60622 Corp: 217.390.1747
Mansion. Apartment. Shack. House.
Husband: • Dr. Dre • Dr. Phil • Dr. Drew • Dr. Kevorkian
wedding song: • “I Want Your Sex” • “Red Solo Cup (Party Mix!)” • “I Love College” • “Who Let The Dogs Out?”
mode of transportation: • Marbles • Children • 1987 Jeep Comanche • Crab Walk
wife: • Miss Cleo • Missy Eliiot • Miss Bliss • Miss Arkansas 1980
Honeymoon adventure: - Mixin’ with a Mexican drug cartel - Pickpocketing in Paris - Nudist colony in Nepal - Curling in Canada
all-time favorite tv show: • Making The Band: Season 3 • 106 & Park • Britney and Kevin: Chaotic • Family Feud w/ Richard Karn
first date: • Dine and dashed at Olive Garden • Graffitied animal hospital • Poo-dollared pedestrians • Shoplifting pet costumes
career choice: • Bitchy bra model • Horny librarian • Cautious lamp salesperson • Sprinkle-factory worker
Unfortunate Death: • Slipped on bunnies • Choked on Slim Jims • 24-hour karaoke binge • Drowning during Jell-o wrestling
How to play
Doodle some dots on the page until a friend (or your brain) tells you to stop. Starting with M.A.S.H., go around the board crossing off whatever option corresponds with your number. Go around the board until only one of each category is left. That, my friend, is your future. Enjoy it.
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Louisiana State Fall Issue 2 - 11/8/12