Page 1

Vol. 2, Issue 8

The Black Sheep The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

rai

f sin ree... s th lik the at n e the blo ice o bo ck h ld x of and l ady s o do ut. wn

10/17/13 - 10/23/13

An ode to fall at the University of Kentucky BY: C weaver Fall is arguably the most beautiful of all the seasons, and in Kentucky, fall is extra special because of the ridiculous excess of trees and the wonderful notion that cold weather means it’s time to drink bourbon. After getting through midterms, an autumn stroll through the Arboretum is all you need to make you want to curl up inside a pumpkin and hibernate. But there isn’t much time to enjoy the season — before you know it, priority registration for spring will begin, finals will just around the corner, and winter will have its long, cold grasp wrapped tightly around your genitals. So here is an ode to fall at UK so that you can remember to enjoy the small things that this much-too-short season has to offer. The first sign of the coming fall is the wonderfully light breeze whenever Lexington goes a few hours without rain. It’s still warm during the day so girls don’t have to retire their skirts and sundresses. One drive down Limestone and all you see are miles of legs on every girl at every crosswalk or bus stop. Then comes that beautiful light breeze and up go the skirts. It almost makes up for the fact that we don’t get a fall break at UK, and almost gives us an excuse to masturbate while driving. But we don’t, because, you know, like, who’s ever done that? Right? Not us, that’s for sure. Fall also means feeling better about our shitty football team by remembering that basketball is just around the corner, a sport we kick serious ass in. That said, Big Blue Madness and homecoming don’t

beat the fact that autumn brings us yoga pants and leggings. We get the double excitement of looking forward winter and basketball, without having to suffer through winter and the less sexually explicit clothes it brings. Before you know it, the Halloween parties begin and Hocus Pocus starts playing every single night. Girls score free drinks by dressing up as the slutty counterpart to any Disney princess, and the guys get their jollies by scaring said girls without coming off as a sexual predator. There’s usually a weeklong hangover following Halloween, but we somehow manage to survive through midterms, avoid myUK at all costs in order to extend our denial, and before you know it Thanksgiving is near and we get a whole three days off that we probably would have ditched anyway. Also don’t forget pumpkin flavored everything is now available, bon fires give us yet another reason to drink and play with fire, and the freshmen who were in over their heads have all dropped so parking at K Lot is slightly less of a disaster. All is right at UK as bourbon warms our hearts, yoga pants warms our loins, and the anticipation of basketball keeps us going. And then comes the snow. And the ice storms. Then finals, followed by your imminent mental breakdown and ultimate sexual deprivation. So enjoy this time while you still have it. Pour yourself a few Hot Toddies, pile up all the leaves in your yard, and dive right in.

page 5

page 7

Rapper Turns the Tables on the Police

Stoops and the Illumanti: Part 1

Writes nonsensical “F Da Fire Department.”

Is our beloved Stoops yet another member of the elusive clan?

Keep Up With Us! @UKBlackSheep • theblacksheeponline.com

page 13

Bartender of the week

Sarah from the Tin Roof suggests not being Miley Cyrus this Halloween.


>>

Meet the Staff <<

campus manager William J. Smith

Promotions TEAM Apply today!

Editorial manager Mary Venuto

campus director Quinn Myers

Advertising Managers Tyler Flatt, Jeff Dyas

owner Atish Doshi

Writers Shelby Bevins, Shauntoinne Mosley Quinn Schwartz, Chelsea Weaver  distribution manager Kaitlyn Kamer Social media manager Olivia McCoy

Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com Hate Us? lame@theblacksheeponline.com

Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Avenue Suite 1, Chicago, Illinois 60622 Contact Corporate: 217.390-1747 For Advertising: 608.712.0900

Disclaimer: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

Follow us! @blacksheep_VCU • theblacksheeponline.com

looking for an internship? Marketing, Ad Sales, Writing, and more! Get experience doing something you love!

Apply online today! theblacksheeponline.com


Tweet Us @UKBlackSheep

#goodtimes

I like my coffee how I like my women...

sealed in an air tight bag in the freezer. Seriously?

DON’T MESS AROUND WITH

#BADTIMESMAN

Tweet us your creepiest, most hilarious, most perverted, most raunchy (or all of the above) pick-up lines to @UKBlackSheep #BadTimesMan If yours proves to be the weirdest, you’ll win a prize and be featured in next week’s issue!

Word

Tweet Us @UKBlackSheep

Authankticity The sense of happiness one feels when being genuinely thanked by another human being.

of the

“Chris felt authankticity when Brandon showed gratitude for bailing him out of jail, overjoyed he didn’t have to call his parents.”

Week Guess The Mascot Tweet Us @UKBlackSheep First right answer wins a prize! Last Week’s Answer: Michigan State’s Sparty

The Black Sheep

Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @UKBlackSheep and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!

The illumination of our nation’s capital is powered by this nonalternating energy delivery. Last Week’s Answer: Billy Crystal Castles


read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com

The Costumeless

Conundrum By: Brian Barsotti

Halloween is sneaking up fast on those who have yet to figure out a costume for this year. Bob Buckner, a junior at the University of Kentucky, falls into this category, but he doesn’t seem to mind very much. According to Student Health Services Physicians, Buckner is one of the millions of Americans who was born without the will or the motivation to make even a basic costume. And even with the health center’s expanse of expertise, they believe there really is no cure. “Buckner suffers an all-too-common genetic condition called ‘not really giving a fuck,’ and Halloween functions as a memento of his ailment year after year. Buckner can’t look at a fake, open wound or pass by any costume store without being reminded that he does not have nearly the amount of fucks to afford, let alone even consider, a costume,” Dr. Caroline Matts explained. Halloween is one of the rare times of the year when dressing up as an axe murderer is more socially permissible than dressing casually, and in these settings people like Buckner find themselves ostracized for not putting the effort into a costume.

“Yeah, I don’t really give a fuck,” Buckner said. Buckner, being a person who’s too lazy to make or buy a cheap Halloween costume, knows all too well what it’s like to stick out like a regular thumb. He recalls one particular costume party in 2011, in which he was literally the only one who showed up without a costume. Of course, Buckner felt very embarrassed at first but eventually became too distracted by the snack table in the kitchen and the guy dressed up as a man baby to really care anymore. Friends said Buckner comes up with quick-witted excuses for not having a costume whenever he is asked. One of his favorite explanations is that his non-costume is, in fact, a costume. He often says that he’s dressed up as an alien, who is masquerading as a human, trying to assimilate smoothly into human culture. “You know, I’m that alien from the movie The Thing,” Buckner typically explains. “The original John Carpenter version, not the crappy prequel.”

One group of people similar to the non-costumewearers is the half-assed-costume-wearers. “You know, the people who wrap a few squares of toilet paper around their neck and claim to be a mummy? Yeah, those assholes,” Dr. Matts noted.

t-shirt that read, “This IS My Costume.” However, he wasn’t able to find it, so he decided to put on his normal clothes and carry around a sign that read the same thing. Then he was too apathetic to even make that sign, so no one got the joke.

Both groups are afflicted by “not really giving a fuck,” and there tends to be an overlap between the two. For instance, one year, Buckner “half-assed” a half-assed costume—it was indeed a quarter-assed costume. Buckner intended to wear a sarcastic

Buckner’s story serves as inspiration for students this holiday season who suffer from “not really giving a fuck.” He proves there are ways to forgo making your own Halloween costume—you just have to put some imagination into it.


Follow us on twitter @UKBlackSheep

Rapper Turns the Tables on Police, Writes “F Da Fire Department” By: black sheep staff With his new incendiary hit song, “F Da Fire Department,” rapper Dr. Dray-Bans has come out of retirement and shot to the top of the charts. The Black Sheep sat down with the doctor to get to the bottom of his divisive track. The Black Sheep: Thanks for talking with us, Doctor. First things first. We’ve gotta ask: why now? Why come out of retirement after 25 years? Dr. Dray-Bans: I’ll tell you why. There’s an abusive government program that’s ruining our way of life. It’s about time that someone stood up to this monster once and for all. TBS: And what is this monster? Obamacare? DDB: Nah, man, it’s the fucking fire

department. TBS: Really? Well, your new song has caused quite a bit of controversy. It’s not a very popular belief. Most people actually love everything about the fire department. DDB: They don’t know shit. TBS: At one point in the song you actually say, “Red devil riding through the town / Spraying poison all around / Tryna keep the doctor down.” This is pretty extreme. Why exactly are you mad at the fire department? DDB: I’m tired of the crap that the fire department gets away with. People always say “fuck da police,” but I’m not about that. I’ve only got beef with the fire brigade. Them and their dumbass hats and shit.

TBS: What could you possibly have against the fire department? That’s like hating rainbows or Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. DDB: First of all, they’re always riding around blasting that awful music, waking me up and shit. TBS: Are you talking about the sirens? DDB: Look man, I don’t know the names of any of those dubstep DJs, I just know that I don’t like it. It’s not even music, it’s just random layers of noise. It sounds like a someone threw a damn baby in a blender. TBS: Well, it’s not music, it’s supposed to be ... nevermind. Is that the only reason for your hatred of firemen? DDB: Hell no. They’re the worst.

TBS: Can you elaborate on that at all? DDB: They’re pointless, man. All the do is speed down the street whenever they want and be loud as hell. When I do that I get a ticket and a full body frisk. What’s up with that? TBS: Actually, in the U.S., only about 10 out of a million people die each year from fires and that’s down by 20% from the year 2000. So, they’re remarkably good at preventing and rescuing people from fires.

DDB: But they’re always buttin’ in, you know? If my son starts a fire in the kitchen, there ain’t no need to give the whole house a shower; that’s a teachable moment. Maybe once he breathes in a dangerous amount of smoke, he’ll learn to stop putting silverware in the microwave. I don’t need Uncle Sam telling me how to raise my kids. TBS: It’s not really Uncle Sam; he’s not a real person— just a personification of the government. And really, the fire department isn’t bad...

DDB: And what really pisses me off is that they’re always taking all the best parking spots in front of those little red, tree-stump lookin’ things. Just because they drive a fancy big red van they think they can save themselves a great spot in front of every store. I mean how many fire trucks are there in the world? Why do they get the only spots that are better than the handicap ones? My grandma only got one leg and she gotta walk further than one uh those red dudes. TBS: Yeah, we’re done here.

ts h g i e H n o t g n i Burl

EW! N D BRAN

Lexington’s New Luxury Townhomes NEW TOWNHOMES FOR RENT! Only 1/2 Mile from UK Campus

4 Bedroom, 3 Bath for only

$420

per month/person • utilities not included

• Private Bathrooms and Bedrooms • Hardwood Flooring • Washer/Dryer • Private Patio • Large Closets • Fully Equipped Kitchens • On Site Maintenance

859-333-8129 • Call for More Info! • 859-338-0987 www.lex-properties.com • Lexpropertiesrentals@gmail.com


Around campus Send us your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

on the Streets If you were sent back to 1700, what modern-day item would you bring with you?

Patrick

“My Fireball machine.”

Juan

“My Xbox.”

Tiffany

“A machine gun.”

06


Stoops and The Illuminati: Part I

The

Top

Ten

Ways to Embarrass Yourself in Class By: black sheep staff

Class — a place filled with leggings and the toned bodies that rest underneath them, a place with that one guy who won’t shut the hell up, a place you attempt to regularly avoid. But if we’re being real, you spend a lot of time here, thus giving you ample opportunity to destroy any respect you previously had amongst your peers. It’ll happen at some point, but in the meantime, hope the dude next to you does it first. 10.) Failed to do the Reading: If it’s not in the form of a Kentucky tweet, status update, or Buzzfeed-style list packed with gifs, see you later. You and your self-diagnosed ADD can’t handle things like “books.” Best of luck explaining to your class the case study on Sub-Saharan African economies that you never bought, much less skimmed. 9.) You’re White Girl Wasted: St. Patty’s day is one thing, a deep NCAA tourney run by our Wildcats is another, but come on, it’s Tuesday. At 11:30 a.m. At least keep the head bobbing and hiccups to a minimum. 8.) Failed Courtship: In your yoga class that you took to “improve your flexibility… and stuff,” grunting to the girl in front of you that you “like the way she sweats” probably won’t persuade her to go on a run with you later. 7.) Show Up High: Giving a presentation on deciduous forests to a room full of 300 supply chain majors may be a give-away. Four bowls can make differentiating one building from the rest a difficult endeavor. 6.) Answer Every Question: On the opposite end of the spectrum, nobody likes a goody-two-shoes. When you show up with your hair perfectly kept and a Venti Starbucks something or other every damn day, you’re inevitably a target of loathing. Classmates hate your steady grades and know-it-all attitude. Thankfully, your impossible to ignore lisp makes your constant whining a bit more entertaining.

By: mary venuto Stoops made it his way to Willy T library dressed in all black from head to toe. Not wanting to be seen, he made sure to avoid the Cats Path and everyone on it. Whenever he saw someone coming his way he would either jump into the bushes or just stand perfectly still. He quickly learned that getting out of sight was more effective after one girl leaving her common-hour exam screamed “IT’S THE FOOT STABBER!” and doused his face in pepper spray. As he passed P.O.T’s statue he put his hands together to make a Triangle shape and bowed his head. When Stoops finally made it to Willy T it was about 2 in the morning. He knew Willy T stepped up their security game by hiring not one but two old fart “security” guards. Stoops took advantage of the next opportunity to sneak in when the security guards dog piled on a kid who was foolish enough to bring in an open bag of chips. In the elevator he did the John Wall and chanted “C-A-T-S Cats, Cats, Cat” and he pressed the button for the sixth floor three times. Upon stepping out of the elevator, Stoops had to adjust his eyes to the dim lighting. He made his way down the hallway slowly but surely, following the sound of a dull hum. As he came up on an old wooden door, it started to slowly creak towards him. Stoops took a deep breath before he entered the room. There he saw hundreds of other hooded figures. He wouldn’t let this intimidate him. He was here on a mission. All of a sudden, a beam of light dropped from the ceiling and

clouds of smoke began to fill the room. The sound of Bassnectar bounced off the walls of the room as a platform began to rise from the ground. Stoops noticed everyone around him pointing up towards the ceiling and followed suit before anyone would notice he had no idea what was going on. The figure rising with the platform took a step forward into the spotlight that was shining in the middle of the room. Stoops held back a gasp when he realized that who stood before him. The music came to a halt and suddenly Stoops was filled with the urge to flee. He didn’t know why he came here; he was looking for answers in the wrong place from the wrong people.

5.) Drunken Group Email: You thought you were sending a casual email to your ex. Turns out, you told your project group that you haven’t “gotten one out in a while.” Now 10 semi-strangers will receive that message approximately fifteen times. Have fun at the next meeting, it definitely won’t be wildly uncomfortable. 4.) Anxiety Attack: Nothing says you’re comfortable in your own skin like hyperventilating during a 45-second introductory speech in your communications class. The awkward, unsure applause from classmates for the remainder of your public speaking course will grow on you, hopefully. 3.) Professor Reads Your Text: Everyone’s had that one “I get to answer your phone” professor. Well, today is your lucky day. You forgot to put your phone on vibrate and now, as classmates anxiously wait, they get to hear all about your “issue” and how your friend wants to know if they should head to UHS to “get checked out as well.”

The figure slowly drifted closer to him, almost gliding above the ground. The hooded figures encircling him closed in — they knew who Stoops was and little did Stoop know, they needed him. Just as Stoops turned to flee, to go back down the elevator and back to his room to curl up with a Hot Toddy and get lost in the comfort of season three of How I Met Your Mother, he felt a strong, cold grip on his shoulder. “No,” whispered Stoops, “Not you. You’re not… one of them? You can’t be!” Suddenly Stoops felt a blow between his ears and felt nothing. Want to know what happens to Stoops? Look for part 2 next week!

2.) Vomit: Your stomach violently churns. It growls like a pissed off lion that had a bad batch of orange kitchen. You feel like you can ride it out, but then, in an instant, there’s no fighting it, and there you are, frantically grasping your neighbor’s backpack to expel god-knows-what. You’ll gain the rep of being a hardboozin’ alcoholic without enjoying the benefits, like drunkenly napping through that awful lecture. 1.) Fart: Class drones on and you feel a cramp in your back. You decide to stretch. As your spine arches, you hear someone let out a high squeaker. It starts strong, then wanes, like air releasing from a balloon. You soon realize that someone was you. Everyone laughs hysterically, and you, mortified and red faced, try to play it off. Embrace your new nickname, Fart Guy.


WE STILL HAVE ROOM FOR YOU! Waiving ALL application & deposit fees. Reserve your spot today for the ultimate place in student living!

NO FEES FOR KEYS TO ...

LIVE @ RED MILE VILLAGE

The Bar Grid

1051 Red Mile Rd. Lexington, KY 40504 859.455.8208 Apply online TODAY at www.redmilevillage.com

Happy Hour Mon-Sat 2-7PM!

College Night! FREE COVER, 2 for 1 Wells (including Jim Beam), $4 Fireball, LIVE MUSIC!! Follow Us on Twitter!

Follow us on Twitter @princehookah1

Happy Hour 2-7pm 2-4-1 10pm-1am with Live Music!

#collegenight $1 Drafts, $2 Wells, $3 Jell-O shots, $4 Bombs No Cover with Student ID Live DJ & Live Bands

$10 College Punch Out DJ DaVinci

Fri. 10/18

Fireball Friday! $4 Fireball Shots

LADIES NIGHT! ALL NIGHT $2 House Tequila Shots & $8 Barrel Bowls! Live music and enjoy one of over 130 bourbons available in our Mezzanine Bourbon Bar

Free Coals and Tobacco with a purchase of a hookah!

Happy Hour 2-7 Live Music

Rock Night! No Cover

90’s Night! 2 for 1 Wells After Midnight DJ Rain

Sat. 10/19

Say it ain’t so Saturdays! $3.50 Bacardi Drinks $5 Bacardi Bombs Live Team Trivia at 8pm

OPEN FOR ALL UK GAMES! $12 GAMEDAY BUCKETS during the Cats game! House DJ at 9, LIVE MUSIC at 10! FREE COVER FOR THE LADIES! Ask about our TO GO beer!!

Free Coals and Tobacco with a purchase of a hookah!

Happy Hour 2-7pm! $5 glasses of Sangria All Day!

Best Dance Party in Town!!

$2.50 PBR Tallboys No Cover Ever!

Sun. 10/20

SPECIAL NIGHT

TUESDAY: Free Refills on Hookah

Sunday Funday! $1.50 Rolling Rocks $6.50 pitchers

Sunday Funday! Join us at noon for ALL DAY NFL coverage! We have the NFL Ticket and the best drink specials in town! Food vendors will be set up outside and $4 Fireball ALL DAY FREE WIFI!

Buy 2 Hookah Get 1 Free

Closed Except for Events (Twitter Party, Graduation, Etc.)

Available for Rentals: 859-317-9399

NFL Ticket $1 Beers, Free Wi-Fi, Make your own Bloody Mary bar and 29 TV’s

Mon. 10/21

Thirsty Thursday! Happy Hour prices all night long!

Two Keys $2 Tuesday $2 Well drinks, $2 Domestic pints, and DJ Rain keeping the dance floor packed

THURSDAY: #collegenight $1 drafts, $2 wells, $3 Jell-O shots, $4 bombs No Cover with Student ID Live DJ & Live Bands

Martini Monday! $3 Martinis & $2 Drafts Live Team Trivia at 7pm

Doors open at 8 for MNF! Join us for $7 domestic pitchers and $2 Bartender choice shots! $4 Jim Beam ALL DAY EVERYDAY FREE WIFI for your Fantasy Football!

Free Popcorn

Happy Hour 2-7pm $1.50 Bud, Bud Light, Ultra, $2.50 Imports and $10 All You Can Eat Wings Starting at 7pm, $1 Can Beers

Available for Rentals: 859-317-9399

$1 Value Menu Monday All your favorite drinks for just a buck!

Tues. 10/22

NFL TICKET! We have ALL the games! Open at noon with football and beer specials ALL DAY! FREE WIFI Starting Oct. 13 - Join us for NFL football and THE WALKING DEAD on our JumboTron!!

Tuesday Boozeday Double wells for price of a single!

Closed Except for Events... to book our venue please email harrison@ pauliestoastedbarrel.com

Free Refills on Hookah

Happy Hour 2-7pm: Half Off Nachos Live Trivia, $2 Domestics, $4 Wells, $5 Bombs at 7pm

Open 5pm - 11pm

Two Keys $2 Tuesday $2 Well drinks, $2 Domestic pints, and DJ Rain keeping the dance floor packed

Wed. 10/23

WEDNESDAY: $6.50 Pitchers 1/2 OFF Your total tab for anyone in the service industry! 10 PM til close

Thur. 10/17

Prince Hookah Bar

$6.50 Pitchers 1/2 OFF Your total tab for anyone in the service industry! 10 PM til close

Bluegrass Wednesdays! FREE COVER, LIVE BLUEGRASS @ 9! $3 PBR Tall Boys, $1 Shots of Kentucky Tavern, $4 Fireball Shots!

Free Chex Mix

Happy Hour 2-7pm $6 Pitchers, $5 Quesadillas at 7pm

Open 5pm - 2am $8 bottles of select wine til midnight

Wind Up Wednesday $3 Wells


A P P LY O N L I N E T O D AY F O R FA L L 2 0 1 4

ENTER TO WIN A

$5000 SCHOLARSHIP WHEN YOU SIGN A LEASE BY 1/31/14 lexingtonstudenthousing.com

ROYAL LEXINGTON

5 TWENTY FOUR & 5 TWENTY FIVE ANGLIANA

THE TOWNHOMES AT NEWTOWN CROSSING

NEWTOWN CROSSING

great locationâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;walk to class + resort-style amenities + on bus route + computer center + fitness center + swimming pool billiards + private bedrooms & bathrooms + fully furnished + individual leases + roommate matching available

Limited time only. Rates, fees, deadlines & utilities subject to change. See office for details.


The Top 10

Awful, Unfunny Twitter Accounts Your Dumbass Friends Are Following (and How to End Your Friendships With Them) Part Two

The final round of awful is here. Last week, we recapped some of the most awful accounts twitter has to offer. Today, we get to the toxic waste dump that is the five worst accounts on twitter. Try not to gag.

Read Part 1 Online at

Theblacksheeponline.com

Dishonorable Mentions:

@TotalSratMove • @_DosEquisMan, @FauxJohnMadden • @The_HelenKeller, @ItsBadLuckBrian • @SenTedCruz


5. @NotBillWalton

WORST of the WORST

4. @RealAlexJones

3. @FillWerrell/@ItsWillyFerrell/Any other Will Ferrell-based account

WORST of the WORST This isn’t even trying to be Bill Walton. Just direct people to who you really are, and no one will care. Or they shouldn’t care, because you’re just a dude. @NotBillWalton is a self-proclaimed parody “artist” and “Sports Illustrated & Mashable’s pick for #1 Sports Parody Feed on Twitter!” And for some reason, the account still manages to garner followers despite the fact that it doesn’t even attempt to parody Bill Walton, even if Bill Walton were someone who deserves parody. The actual Bill Walton isn’t even on national TV anymore, he’s a low-level broadcaster for Pac-12 basketball. So why is this account, that had a short flair of popularity a few years ago, still garnering 150 RTs per idiotic thought of the dude who runs it? Because, say it again, class, Twitter is riddled with stupid people. Friendship-ender: Ask them over to watch the NBA. If he or she cannot blurt out even the slightest original thought about the game and instead reads off tweets from this mind-numbing account, slowly stand up, take their phone from their bloated, sweaty fingers, and cram it up their tiny little asshole. Then escort them to the door, and tell them good day.

WORST of the WORST

Alex Jones has a nice little formula to every tweet: conspiracy, guns, Obama, media. Mix them together in some fashion and boom, he eats that attention up like a fat, brace-faced teenager at the prom. @RealAlexJones is just flat out scum of the earth. He drums on and on and on about a bunch of blubbering bullshit buzzwords, mostly directed at President Obama. If not that, it’s about the media, or guns— just lunacy-- and then sits back as his 239-thousand-strong army of fucks retweets the shit out him. YOU THINK OBAMA DON’T WANT RICH PEOPLE WITH GUNS? Obama? Check. Guns? Check. 500 RTs? Check. Friendship-ender: This shouldn’t be just how you decide whether or not to be friends with someone; it should be what humanity uses when we ultimately need to trim the population. Below @RealAlexJones’ tweets will be a simple check box with the question: “Do you agree with this tweet? Does it make sense to you?” Check yes and you’re dropped into a deep pit to rot with the nation’s other psychos. Check yes and you can go on living your life, being the normal, sensible, logical person you are.

Ah, the classic social media technique of capitalizing on a tragedy for personal gain. This is one of the most disgusting things to permeate Twitter as far as we’re concerned. You know what? Fuck these accounts. We’re not even dignifying them with a full paragraph. There isn’t anything we can say about these accounts except that Will Ferrell would hate every single human being who follows these. He especially hate the person who runs it. You’ve upset Will Ferrell with your terrible jokes, you fucks. You don’t deserve the air you breathe or the retweets you get. Friendship-ender: We can’t help you here. If your friends are retweeting this, you’re probably stuck in the same cycle they are. Congrats on being braindead!

2. @TedOfficialPage Ted is one of the least-funny movies of all-time. An absolute abomination that combines the impossibly terrible jokes of the last five years of Family Guy with Boston accents and a poorly animated Teddy Bear sounds like the worst thing on earth, but just go watch the whole film and truly understand how the fuck this piece of shit was greenlit. Oh wait, that’s right, because the average moviegoer is stupider than almost any consumer, willing to throw money at this thing because “hahaha fart joke.” This account and things of its nature are the true reason we can’t have nice things. The tweets aren’t relevant to the movie, to any of the humor of the character, to anything. That seems like a blessing in disguise, but when the tweets are all of that same vein of “let’s appeal to 15-year old girls and people who dropped out of community college” to boot, plus some high quality racism and “I’m not like the other girls” mentality make this arguably the worst account to ever grace Twitter. Were it not for our number one, it would hold the crown as the single greatest achievement in making people stupider in our history as a society. Friendship-ender: Hold Seth MacFarlane hostage and make him use his embarrassing fortune to buy all of these handles and turn them into PSA It’s such an easy formula: get followers, tweet bullshit. This one is accounts on what the word “Parody” means. Also castrate anyone who uses the phrase “Thunder Buddy.” absurd.

1. @MensHumor We could go on for days about how absolutely abhorrent Men’s Humor is in every way possible. It’s a combination of sophomoric bullshit, recycled jokes, and, of course, the omnipresent misogyny. Men’s Humor takes the absolute worst of every account on Twitter and combines it into one verified, vomit-inducing piece of shit. But many accounts do that. What truly makes @MensHumor the worst is that so, so many of the people you know follow it. Go check right now. On our own Twitter accounts, at least 100 of the people we follow are also following @MensHumor, including many famous athletes and celebrities. People we respect and cherish and care about follow this absolutely foul load of cock-sucking shit. If Men’s Humor were an election, it would be Bush’s 2004 campaign: moronic hack that has proven time and time again to be unqualified receives large majority of support by seemingly rational people. I can’t explain it. It’s a phenomenon unlike any other, but just know by following @MensHumor, you are enabling some slut-shaming dipshit who has turned this into an empire of sewage, with a shop and a tumblr and everything. These people steal tweets, and then claim their content is protected by copyright. The basic machinations of the American legal system go over these people’s heads. What we have here is what you would get if the Chive gave people gonorrhea by visiting its site. Unfollows are the chemo for this cancer on the twitterverse, and only you can stop it. See the joke here is that women are subservient to men and spend their time in the kitchen making food for the man and children in their life. The height of comedy!

Friendship-ender: Murder them in cold blood in the middle of the night while they’re sleeping, hide the body, skip town, change your name, by a farm and live off the land. There is no other solution.


read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com

House Hunters

Lexington By: Black sheep staff *Knock Knock*

You choose the latter, and for that we salute you. Follow these carefully laid out steps and you’ll surely get rid of these house hunting swine in no time.

“Hi, are you living here next year?” “…No,” you reply exhaustedly as you slowly open the door wider to reveal a gang of freshmen guys. “Well do you think we could take a peek at your digs?” You shut your eyes in hopes that they will vanish, and all of this was simply a Flaming Hot Cheetos-induced hallucination. You open your eyes. No luck. “Yeah, sure, come on in,” is all you manage to choke out. Don’t they know you had big plans to watch America’s Next Top Model before your roommates got back? The trio of inexperienced mouth breathers begin to invade your TV room, bombarding you with dumbass questions like, “Does the furniture come with?” and, “Where’d you get this poster?” You pray to God that they will be swift with their tour, but you can tell by the puzzled looks on their naïve faces that you have to make a quick decision: Do you give them a regular tour which could last a life time, or take them on a painfully awkward expedition that would surely get them out of your hair, and out of your house.

1.) Introduction: “Ok fools, listen up. Let’s get this shit going, I have water on the stove and my mac and cheese ain’t gonna make itself.” Make sure to be very hostile. The only way to get out of this sticky wicket is to be as rude as possible. Use name-calling throughout the tour de shit-hole; it is crucia, and reasserts your superiority as an independent upperclassman. 2.) Main Floor: “Look, but don’t touch. I just steam cleaned the upholstery and I don’t need your sweaty hands fingering my couch pillows.” Continue with crude comments and senseless statements. “Here’s the kitchen, douchebags. The cabinets are smaller than your dad’s ding-dong, and the fridge smells like the man himself after a hot night of passion with a stripper.” 3.) Top Floor: “Here are the bedrooms you smug little sluts. They’re all small, and filled with regrets. You smell that boys? That’s the sickly scent of broken dreams.” Make sure you go into disgusting detail about bad experiences and failed sexual experiments. We know what you’re thinking, and the answer is yes. Definitely bring up that one time you tried “The Shocker” on a girl

WEDNESDAYS OPEN 5PM - 2AM $8 BOTTLES OF SELECT WINE TIL MIDNIGHT

THURSDAYS #COLLEGENIGHT $1 DRAFTS, $2 WELLS, $3 JELL-O SHOTS, $4 BOMBS NO COVER WITH STUDENT ID LIVE DJ & LIVE BANDS

FRIDAYS ROCK NIGHT - NO COVER 123 WEST MAIN STREET • LEXINGTON • TRUSTLEX.COM

and she donkey kicked you in the face. 4.) Basement: “Okay, you douche lords. I saved the best for last. Follow me into the dungeon.” Like most basements in EL, it’s unfinished, damp, and infested with insects that even Bear Grylls wouldn’t eat. Take your unwanted guests into the Chamber of Secrets and tell them horrifying ghosts stories about previous owners. Example: “The management told us that the previous owners of this house had an illegal tenant who lived down here. Legend has it, he became a shut in and when move out day came they couldn’t find him. But every

now and then you can hear him moaning about how rent is too damn high, and sometimes you can see his shadow while doing laundry.” If followed to the T, these steps should be your ticket to a swift tour. Word may even spread about how your house is haunted. More than likely, though, word will spread about how you’re the biggest piece of shit on the block. Either way, view it as a win as you settle into your futon to watch all those DVR-d episodes of Top Model with your mac and cheese.


Bartender of the Week Relationship Status: It’s complicated

seen?: Giant penis.

Major: Biology

What’s the most overrated Halloween candy?: Suckers.

Favorite Drink: Vodka water with Crystal Light

What’s the most underrated Halloween candy?: Mini Snickers.

Favorite Shot: Jameson!

What will you name your bestselling memoir?: I Blacked Out, What Happened?!

Disgusting Drink: Gin Bombs What is the first Halloween costume you remember wearing as a child?: UK Cheerleader outfit. What do you think will be this year’s most overdone costume?: Miley Cyrus (geeze).

sarah of Tin Roof Drinking Game

What’s the most offensive Halloween costume you’ve ever

Where are you hiding the evidence?: Tin Roof’s shed. Who would you invite to your threesome with Jeff Goldblum?: Pauly Shore. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because of that movie with Chris Farley?

Recipe for disaster

Bottle Bobbing

Fall French Toast

Halloween parties when you were a little kid were the best—all the candy and goodie bags and sweet zombie costumes. You can still host your own while in college, but don’t expect people to be entertained for hours with the Mummy Wrap Race and Pin the Stem on the Pumpkin. Here’s a twist on the typical bobbing for apples challenge.

The one thing that every kid misses about home is having meals prepared for them. We’re talking good meals, not some dining hall dinner surprise. Here’s our recipe for pumpkin french toast that you can let cook overnight so it feels like Mom’s slaving away in the kitchen when you wake up.

What You’ll Need: A large bucket, blindfolds, a small bowl, strips of paper and 20-30 mini bottles of alcohol Number of Players: As many as you want! Level of Intoxication: You’ll get a good buzz going.

What You’ll Need: Crockpot, loaf of bread, 15 oz. can of pumpkin puree, 6 eggs, 1 cup of milk, 1/2 cup of brown sugar, 2 teaspoons cinnamon and 2 teaspoons vanilla extract. Cook Time: 6-8 hours Fatty Factor: If you throw up a lot the night before, it won’t matter.

How to Play: - Get a giant tub, like a Rubbermaid container or a keg bucket, and fill it with water. - Lay down some towels in your living room or on your patio and put the bucket down. - Dump all of your mini alcohol bottles into the tub. - Decide who’s going first and have them put a blindfold on. They have to dip their head into the bucket, grab a bottle with their mouth and bring it back up. - Fill a small bowl with 10 strips of paper, 5 marked “trick” and 5 marked “treat.” - After someone bobs for a bottle, have them pull a piece of paper from the bowl. If it says “treat,” they keep the bottle for themselves. If the paper says “trick,” they give the bottle to someone else for them to drink. Put the paper strip back into the bowl. - Make sure the person drinks his or her bottle before moving onto the next person. - Go until everyone has had a turn, stopping after each person to pull a sheet of paper, distribute the bottle and drink.

Let’s Get Baked: - Dice up your loaf of bread into small cubes and place ‘em inside the crockpot. - In another bowl, mix together the remaining ingredients. - Pour the mixture over the bread in the crockpot, making sure the bread is well-coated. - Let the French toast cook in the covered crockpot overnight on low heat. - Before eating it, take the lid off of the crockpot for about 30 minutes if it looks too moist. - Scoop out your portion and add any toppings you want, like whipped cream, syrup, etc.

The Game Ends When: All the bottles are gone! Or just go back to the liquor store and get some more. They’re only like $2 anyway…

“HEY MOM! The French toast! We want it now!”

download our free app for all the games!

nomnomnomnom theblacksheeponline.com 11


Hankerin’

Movie List:

for the

Hanks

Larry Crowne • Castaway • Forrest Gump • Philadelphia • Cloud Atlas Big • The Green Mile • Polar Express • Turner and Hooch

Each box features the handsome Tom Hanks in one of his many blockbuster films. do you know which movie each box is from?

Send your answers to classtime@theblacksheeponline.com the first right answer gets a prize!


Music Genres ACROSS 3) When you can’t fit into any other category. 8) Toro Y Moi and Washed Out are popular artists of this genre. 9) Chicago is the birthplace of this club-based genre. 11) A color, plural. 12) Insane Clown Posse (amongst others) is at the front of this obscure genre. 15) The “ED” in EDM. 16) Skrillex popularized this genre in the U.S. 18) The tunes of Jamaica. DOWN 1) The Baha Men created music in this Bahamian genre. 2) A rock genre that originated in 1980s Seattle. 3) Dashboard Confessional and lots of angsty tears. 4) Your parents took drugs to this genre.

5) Men will play in this type of band, usually when you’re eating enchiladas. 6) United States bluegrass 7) The umbrella term for rap music in general. 10) Psy’s “Gangnam Style” exemplifies this genre. 13) The “R” in R&B. 14) This type of music is also known as Muzak. 17) Germany is the birthplace of this slow techno genre.

crossword


6 degrees of separation

Kendrick Lamar to

Dana Carvey These two are connected by 6 different people. if you know who, and how, tweet us @UKBlackSheep First 3 right answers get a prize!

WELCOME BACK, WILDCATS Start your year with a new look! Men: BRING IN THIS AD to get $3 off our $15 cut! Gingerâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Barbershop 212 W Maxwell Street, Lexington 859-254-4464

HOURS

Monday - Friday 9am - 6pm, Saturday 8am - Noon

Kentucky - Issue 8 - 10/16/2013  

Kentucky - Issue 8 - 10/16/2013

Read more
Read more
Similar to
Popular now
Just for you