The Black Sheep
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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 1, Issue 4 • 1/31/13 - 2/6/13
A Campus Divided Jackie Danger wrote this
Like a modern day Mason-Dixon Line, there’s a poisonous cultural conflict that tears at the social cohesion of our campus and betrays the better angels of our nature. North versus South, hipster versus frat, UK’s campus is being ripped apart by the arbitrary and self-destructive divide that separates the collegiate, artistically pretentious community of North campus from the gym-obsessed, frat-infested society of South campus. And it’s a divide that destroys friendships, reinforces stereotypes and ultimately undermines the booze-soaked unity that The Black Sheep firmly believes we should all share as fellow below-average students at UK - Kentucky’s greatest and most glorified safety school. To be fair, it’s a cultural division that UK unknowingly encourages. Where did campus planners choose to put the Johnson Center work-out facilities? Just a conveniently quick jog from the Blanding-Kirwan dorms. And in case they’ve been missing class due to, err, important Rush Week business, students of South campus get to enjoy the remedial luxury of their own tutoring center right above the cafeteria. Its proximity to Commonwealth Stadium practically encourages students to rage early and rage often during football’s tailgating season. Hell, you can’t even make it class without passing through the fraternity six pack. Between the dorm towers, Big Daddy Liquors and the legendary, party-hardened slums of State Street, it takes less than a mile of drunk stumbling to retrace the entire span of last night’s bros-night-out. North Campus kids, on the other hand, take an obnoxious amount of pride in being wholly apart from the world of khakis and Coors Light. Nerds, losers, hipsters - regardless of where they stand north campus kids just can’t wait to tell you about how lucky they are not to have to live in the pedestrian filth of Couth Campus. The architecture is more interesting, the dorms are more unique and the residents… are just plain cooler than you. See how they all sit outside in the yard and read? Check out their sweet new campus bike repair shop. Or how about the exclusive, honors-only Patterson Hall? North Campus has even convinced itself that its local, pizza-and-burgers cafeteria (Blazer Café) is miles ahead of the culinary-inept Commons Market (whose menu, by the way, is virtually identical). If yuppie gentrification was possible on a college campus, North Campus might as well be the Williamsburg of UK. Rustic buildings, shiny bikes and not a Ralph Lauren polo for blocks.
Risky Business: The Art of Concealing Your Farts don't sweat it, we've got you covered.
It’s a subtle difference to notice, and this underlying cultural self-segregation would be kind of funny if it didn’t undermine every college truth we here at The Black Sheep hold to be self-evident. All partiers, whether pounding Fratty Light at a rush rager or sneaking a few PBRs into a WRFL presents show, are created equal. And a campus divided against itself cannot surely stand. Whether from North or South, hip-fuck or dumb jock, we all bleed blue and puke up the same Kentucky
Gentleman together. Nobody cares what kind of stupid music you listen to when we’re all hungover Friday morning, we just want you to turn it the fuck down. Call us romantics, but The Black Sheep just has a dream that one day we can all sit down at the table of brotherhood together as equals… and try to remember what the hell happened last weekend.
Social Networking: Let’s Get Better at it, Shall We?
Puppy Bowl Renovations
Farmville players are officially on notice.
Animal Planet wants to boost it’s annual Puppy Bowl ratings. May we suggest more bloodlust?
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? email@example.com
page 5: The Bottom 10: Places for Athletic Ass Smacks
Is there ever a bad time for the classic asspat? Turns out…yes.
page 9: Check Yo’ Self: The Art and Science of Being Gangsta
Let us show you how to channel the inner hoodlum in all of us!
page 9: from the streets
Who's your celebrity crush and what food would you cover them in?
page 11: bartender of the week
Amber from Paulie's reminds us that a glass of water in between drinks is a good idea.
page 12: The Super Bowl Drinking Game
Go on and play our drinking game while you watch the big game.
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word of the week Dispoop:
An argument between two people stemming from a floater left in the toilet. “Man, we can just end this dispoop if you admit that you dropped a deuce and forgot to flush before you left for your lit class.”
The Art of Concealing Your Farts G. Jordan Johnson wrote this So you have to fart. No big deal… except that you’re 20 minutes into class. The pregame burrito with Sriracha was delicious, and you harbor no regrets, but the oligosaccharides have now been absorbed by your small intestine and with the added stomach secretions aided by the capsaicin from the Sriracha, the gasses in your gut are now building pressure as they yearn for escape. Congratulations. You’re now a small-scale methane rocket. You could have avoided this if only you had opted for something less destructive for that between-class meal. But the deed is done and your classmates are about to pay the price when your gaseous stench clouds the room with fresh bum odor. You beg of us now, what do I do?! Concealing your flatulence is an art long practiced by hominids. The faux pas is nothing new and for years the dreadful fart has plagued society, taking many a good citizen down with its potent olfactory onslaught. Let us offer you six plans of recourse, all conveniently rated from 1 (reckless) to 5 (failsafe), to help you control that unearthly abomination incubating in your bowels. Pucker and Pray: Clench those cheeks, Timmy. You’ve got 30 grueling minutes of class left. Do your best to flex that sphincter muscle and keep a tight seal on the demon within. You will sweat and fidget uncomfortably but the strategy may save you from impending shame. Safety rating: 4. It’s tried and true. The Slow Valve: Ever see those oxygen tanks carried around by former (or continuing) smokers? Or the ones that terrifying clown brought to your younger sister’s birthday party? Recall that small rotating valve on top. You can try to slowly “turn” your own valve
and let her rip slowly, while begging the powers that govern the sky that you don’t make a whistling noise from your anus. But that can open a large can of worms. Safety rating: 2. It’s a bold strategy. The Low Cougher: Created by Family Guy’s own Peter Griffin, the Low Cough works on the principle that you can quickly force the fart out while coughing in a loud but low register, concealing that noisy rascal with a cough. If successful, your overly attractive classmates won’t hear it and you’re in the clear. Safety rating: 1. We just hope we’re there when someone tries this one… Perforated-Paper: Similar to the Low Cough, this tactic essentially operates in the same fashion; you can smoothly rip a piece of perforated notebook paper from the spine, hopefully creating enough noise to conceal your size eight roper. Safety rating: … see above. Cup a’ Cheese: If you’re confident that it’s silent, and don’t mind cupping your hand over your anus in the middle of class, you can also try the mythical “Cup a’ cheese!” Cup your bum with your hand, and attempt to “catch” the gas in a closed fist. You may then promptly shove the fist into your bag and release the dastardly devil. This is mostly for show -- and you’ve got to be a total idiot to try it -- but who would we be to withhold information from you? Safety rating: 1. Don’t do it. Good Guy Greg: When you’ve got an air biscuit brewing, it’s best to calmly stand up and exit the classroom. This covers all the bas-
es, from not sharting to sparing yourself the embarrassment of unintended anus acoustics. You’re a grown-up now. You can leave class without looking like a sad puppy. Head to the loo and let your hind-quarters sing. Once you’re confident the deed is done, perform some damage control, air out a little bit, and head back to class. Voilà! Safety rating: 5. Frankly, it’s a fool-proof approach. There you have it, fair readers! Employ these first five only when absolutely necessary. We here at The Black Sheep generally encourage readers to stick with what works -- pull a Good Guy Greg and subtly bow out of class -- and you’ll avoid any unintended embarrassment. And if the professor asks where your going, try not to respond with a loud, clamorous fart – just give him a thumbs up! No go forth, my children, and eat burritos often!
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the bottom 10:
Places For Athletic Ass Smacks You thought openly caressing bums in the public eye was reserved for athletes? Not so fast, friend. Although sometimes awkward, there’s always room in this world for athletic ass tappings, slappings, and blastings. However, after some field research, we came up with a list of the ten most awkward places to receive and/or administer a good ol’ tap-a-roo. 10.) Smoking a Bowl: Weediquette says that when a good friend—or that sketchy character from down the hall—smokes you down you either need to match him or throw a couple of dollars his way. Screw that. A swift smack to the ass when you exit not only saves you some dough, but is the ultimate sign of respect and admiration. 9.) Grocery Store: “Hey, Broseph. Can you tell me where the condoms are? How ‘bout some Skittles too? And maybe a tarp? Don’t worry about what I’m doin’ with ‘em. I’m gettin’ weird and that’s all you need to know. All in the same aisle you say? How convenient." (light buttocks tap) 8.) Office Hours Visit: So you got caught cheating, again. Though ambitious, having your international student suitemate write your essay in a mixture of English and Mandarin probably wasn’t the best idea. To charm your way out of this, thank your prof for being understanding and add a lil’ ass grab to your defense. It’ll go over really well with Ms. Gender Studies Instructor.
Social Networking: Let’s Get Better at it, Shall We? Nicole-Elizabeth Barnes wrote this There are endless complaints about us young social networkers: our stupid, sissy status fights, trashy Facebook self-pics, and the crazy political ramblings. But while our awareness of social network offenses has increased, we are still committing faux pas all across the online community. Let’s cut down on some of the conflict and try to identify some of the online activities that are continuing to disturb our loved ones, kill our friendships and slowly ruin the greatest technological innovation of the 20th century. Unintentional Big-Butt Photos: You stopped being shy and finally put up a photo. Congratulations! You are no longer a white silhouette with a blue background. So you were innocently trying to take a fashionable picture from the back? We know, we know. But it just didn't work out that way. What happened was, when you decided to put those heels on it hiked your butt up about six inches, the camera added ten extra pounds of junk in your trunk, and now you look like you’re auditioning for a music video. After snapping the photo (that everybody knows you took yourself while alone playing dress-up with absolutely no prospects of going out) you looked it over and perhaps convinced yourself that it was a G-rated photo. You uploaded it, and a short time later all the wholesome people on your friends list started disappearing. The good news is that your wholesome friends are alive and well. The bad news is that your wholesome friends are alive and well and want nothing to do with you since you became a car model. Online Activists: You are strong! You stand up for your beliefs! You are out to influence the masses and change the ways of the world! The Black Sheep likes your spunk, comrade. But you’re too lazy to go out and gather people to picket. You're also too broke to buy crafting materials for making signs. What do you do now? You reduce yourself to small-time activist and preach to your Facebook friends in status updates about your feisty political views. That's your alternative? Hello! These people are your friends! These are people that you voluntarily decided to be friends with. Presumably, with them being your friends, many of them already agree with you and need no further persuasion. As for the others, they've known about you and your political opinions for a long time and don’t care much for either, and thus have blocked your updates from appearing in an attempt to withstand having you as a friend. Yelling at them might not incite them to revolution but rather incite them to hit that “unfriend” button. Game-Invitation-Senders: On you people we cannot have mercy. WTF? Jesus…just STOP using the internet, you’re doing it completely wrong. We don’t want to partake in these weird ass games! To people who insist on being children forever, us grownups want to be invited to events that take place in real life. We want to interact with people in ways that allow us to get close to them and touch them! And maybe if we rub them the right way… we'll get lucky. This is the kind of game we like to play. Everyday upon logging in, we get our hopes high believing that someone interesting has left us a post, but then lo and behold it turns out to be you with another motherfucking game request! We were totally going to delete you months ago… but we just don't have the heart to delete children. We hope this helps to shed light on some of the problems within our communities so that we can keep ourselves in check, and ensure that we’re not committing these online offenses that continue to disrupt the harmony within our networks. Now stop reading and go delete your last few posts.
7.) UHS Checkup: “Benjamin, your test results are back, and unfortunately, you have the clap. I know, I know, you already told me you ‘pull-out most of the time.’ Don’t worry, there is nothing a little antibiotics and self loathing can’t take care of—I think. Take these with food when you get home." (crisp smack of the tush) 6.) First Date: Kevin is a gentleman. He’s funny, sweet, and only (audibly) farted four times at dinner. Embrace his flatulence with some smackulence of your own on his hot buns when you thank him for dinner. Remember, take things slow. 5.) Community Bathrooms: Kelly, a model floor mate, has all of the qualities you could ask for: shares her toothpaste, doesn’t hog the shower, generous in the artisan handjob department, and an ass that doesn’t quit. Sometimes a nod of approval is simply not enough. So you do more, ladies… At least that’s how we imagine it happening. 4.) Cousin’s Bar Mitzah: Mazel tov! Ezekiel is finally a man. Sadly, you forgot to get him a gift. Just tell him to wrap it up and give him a firm, sturdy slap on his hind parts. It’ll be more valuable than all the other shit he gets that day anyway. 3.) Colonoscopy: After twenty-four hours of poopin’ water and not being able to eat, you’re finally bottoms up in your paper gown. As you think things couldn’t get even more unsettling, the doctor curiously pats your gluteus maximus and says, “Well, looks like this is a first time for both of us. Now hold still.” 2.) Funeral: People deal with grief differently. Some cry, some hug, some get blackout drunk, and some do a combination of each. Be an innovator and start a new trend. At least the sting of a booty slap will help relatives take their mind off losing a loved one, and probably make them wish it were you. 1.) Job Interview: You’ve been preparing for this moment since you dropped out of the business school and changed your major to forestry—your first “real job” interview. Let the HR rep know you are the man/woman for the job by adding some pinch to your post-interview bottom squeeze.
andrew rickerman wrote this
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Check Yo’ Self: The Art and Science of Being Gangsta Shauntionne Mosley wrote this wrote this Does Ovid’s make anyone else feel claustrophobic…or is it just us? It’s entirely too small of a place to have as many people as it has inside of it on a daily basis. One day we found out we weren’t the only ones who were annoyed by it when the guy next to us claimed he had been waiting in line since, like, last semester or something. And all he wanted was a hot grilled cheese and some fries, which wasn’t asking for too much. Nothing, however could prepare us for what was about to happen next.
From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
Who’'s your celebrity crush and what food would you cover them in? "Carrie Underwood, and yogurt... nom daddy."- Brendan L., Freshman
This disturbed, yet bold man walked up to ask about his order and came to find they had already sent it out with another student. And like the badass we didn’t know he was, he snatched the next order that was called, grabbed some grapes, and waltzed out without paying a cent. We don’t even think the kid blinked! Our first thought after witnessing this greatness was that he obviously had to be one our loyal readers. But our second thought was “That was the most gangsta thing I’ve ever seen… we need to roll in this kid’s crew.”
"Ryan Gosling covered in yum yum sauce!" - Maygen S., Sophomore
Which brings us to our topic, you thugalicious reader, you. Throughout our lives we’re told to kill our enemies with kindness, but no one told us what to do after our enemies don’t keel over from us smiling the shit out of them. At times like this it’s perfectly logical to ask ourselves, “What would The Black Sheep do?” And since our staff is filled with the most gangsta of gangstas known to man we’d frankly have to start busting caps (that is, hitting caps from cap guns on the ground – you don’t have to use icky guns and it’s just as loud!). Now don’t get us wrong - we are perfectly “sane,” semi-civilized, artistically-minded, and not cigarette-smoking monkeys chained to a typewriter types. But some people just don’t understand you when you’re nice. If you said “Excuse me” 2.3 million times and they still haven’t jumped over, we do declare that a “Move, bitch!” is in order. And if you’re walking back to your dorm after a long day of classes and the -2 degree weather has caused your legs to freeze up, The Black Sheep suggests that you totally Grand Theft Auto the next golf cart you see rolling through campus. Is this wrong? Absolutely not. If you can walk a mile and back from North to South campus, then they can too! And if they say anything about being handicapped take their stupid little card. The parking on this campus can get real pretty quick and that parking pass can come in handy.
Or how about the time your little bitch professor objects to your chronic tardiness? Just slash his tires and jack the rims off of his precious Toyota Prius. And next time you come to class, hang one of his rims from a giant necklace and wink at him. And there you have it - just a little pinch of gangsta and your problems are practically solving themselves! But be careful with your new gangsta swag. Once you’ve decided to roll up to a scene and snag that really nice mechanical pencil some douche in biology wasn’t paying attention to, it’s hard to turn off. With great power comes great responsibility, young grasshopper; one does not simply choose the thug life. You have to be selective in choosing the time and place to unleash your inner ratchet. Naturally, we at The Black Sheep are expert practitioners of gangstology and if for you’re having trouble knowing when to call your goonies, run to the nearest newsstand worthy enough of distributing our paper and we’ll happily give you your daily dose. Holla at ’chya paper. (Ed. note: Don’t actually holla at the paper, people might think you’re insane – unless of course that’s what you’re going for, because you’re gangsta.)
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2013 Puppy Bowl Renovations Forrest Fire wrote this The Animal Planet is here to flip the script on this puppy love shit. Animal Planet has one goal and only one goal in mind: to surpass the Super Bowl in both ratings and viewers. In previous years, the Puppy Bowl appealed mostly to an audience of little girls, lonely middle-aged women, and sensitive men. This year Animal Planet won’t settle for cute. Cute can only get you so far. This year, they are going for gasps. That’s where the money is. The Puppy Bowl looks to rebrand itself, and it’s starting by changing up its sponsors. No more good causes like the American Animal Hospital Association and no hypoallergenic lamb and rice dog food companies. They’re calling in the big guns. Literally. The mob is perfect organization to sponsor such an event and an ingenious way to fund everything from booze to pyrotechnics to prolonged puppy playtime. Another plus of having the mob on board is the ability to completely take down the Super Bowl. Paying off refs and players will sow frustration among viewers, who will then be forced to turn their attention to the Puppy Bowl. For the other half of the Super Bowl viewers who don’t really care about the game, the mob will also use their connections to replace the commercial breaks with white noise. Let’s face it, that’s the only reason women watch the game anyway. However, after all of this, the mob’s most important contribution is the inspiration for a new version of the Puppy Bowl. It will no longer be a bunch of cute puppies playing with toys and making viewers cry with happiness. This year, Animal Planet presents the first annual Dog Fight Blood Bowl. Ceremonies for the Blood Bowl will commence with the usual introduction of the players, including their height, weight, breed, and favorite hobby. All names must be changed to en-
hance intimidation. For example, that adorable border collie pup no longer goes by Lassie. Everybody now welcomes Fang into the stadium. Displays of blood, teeth, and spiked collars are required. There will also be one dog on each team that is still considered a puppy, but has reached full growth and has rabies. All water bowls will also be spiked with cocaine for dramatic effect and heightened intensity. Rules of the Blood Bowl have also changed to better reflect the more violent nature. Before there were no winners, now it will be a fight to the death. The last dog standing will live like a king and be rewarded with unlimited steak-flavored dog treats for the rest of his or her short life. The event’s venue has also changed. Instead of a petite mock football field, dogs will face off in a cage surrounded by barbed wire and filled with fully automatic weapons. Young puppy blood is exactly what people want to see. Another change to the Blood Bowl is the half time show. Usually, amusing kittens are featured with multiple scratching posts and toy mice filled with catnip, but this year, a different kind of pussy will be unleashed. Sixteen exotic strippers have been hired as halftime entertainment, all who will be starting off in fuzzy cat attire and ready to pounce at anything dangling in front of their faces. One lucky viewer will win an all-expensepaid trip to Detroit with the stripper of their choice. Finally, Michael Vick will be coordinating underground betting as well as serving as one of the game’s commentators. This is where Animal Planet plans on making their most money for the new production. Buy-ins start at $1,000 dollars, and any degenerate gamblers are welcome. At the Blood Bowl people will be
able to place smaller bets at the door. Animal Planet is telling all PETA freaks and animals lovers alike to back off. This is natural selection at its finest. It’s an important food chain; there are too many dogs anyways. They are also reminding PETA that all dogs go to heaven, so why not grant them eternal life? The slogan of the Dog Fight Blood Bowl is “It’s a dog eat dog world.” Fighting till the death will commence at 7 p.m. on Dog Fight Sunday. So heat up your mini barbecued weenies and bring out the veggie trays. Shit’s about to get real.
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bartender of the week amber paulie's How long have you been bartending: 9 years Hometown: Tustin, CA
about bartending: The flexibility of the job and being able to network on the job.
Have you learned any life lessons from bar tending: Quite a few... have a drink of water in between every drink you have.
What's the worst thing you've ever seen at the bar: Two overweight women riding the bull together… topless.
Is bartending difficult: Not really, it's easy most of the time, but sometimes high stress.
What's your favorite drink to make: Dirty martinis
What's your favorite part
the drinking game:
What drink do you order when you go to the bar: Bourbon on the rocks
recipe for disaster:
Super Bowl Shots
Summer Slammer Smoothies
Everyone wishes they could be an NFL player, but unfortunately that position is reserved for buff boys whose brawn is bigger than their brains. Until you’re reincarnated as one of these gifted few, here’s a football-inspired drinking game aimed to make anyone feel like the star QB for a few minutes.
In this chilly weather all we want is to be soaking up rays somewhere. So put on your swimsuit, crank up the heat, and make your own poolside beverages to get the summer feel in your apartment.
What You’ll Need: Table, cups, beer, ping pong balls, and Super Bowl XLVII on the big screen. Number of Players: 2 teams of 2 is ideal, but there’s always room for more. Level of Intoxication: Feelin’ real good by the second half.
What You’ll Need: A blender, ice, milk or Greek yogurt, fruit, and your choice of alcohol. Cook Time: Just a few minutes, you lazy bum! Fatty Factor: Depends on the type of milk you use. Otherwise, get drunk!
How to Play: - Get all your bros together and turn on the Super Bowl. - Split up into two teams and have each team pick between either the 49ers or the Ravens. - Watch the game and drink casually until one of the following occurs: interception, fumble, safety, touchdown, punt, or field goal. - Once one of these situations happens, get up and head over to the table. Set up 2 cups for each player on the opposing team. Place the cups anywhere you want: on the table, on the floor, on the couch behind you. Just don’t be an asshole; make them somewhat reachable. - The team that benefitted from the game situation (like the team that recovered the fumble) shoots first. - One by one, each player, alternating teams, has a chance to shoot and make one of the cups on the opposite side (no bouncing!). Once a player has made 2 cups, they’re done and sit for the rest of that round. - If someone’s throw causes a ball to fly away, land under a piece of furniture, or spill a cup, that team is charged with a delay of game and must remove a cup for the other team. - Both teams together have a total of 2 minutes to sink as many cups as they can. The Game Ends When: The game is over, duh! The team with the most sunk cups at the end of the fourth quarter wins. Make ‘em pay for all the cases. This game tests any athletic skills that you may or may not have. Most likely not, but who cares? You’re getting drunk, bro.
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Let’s Get Baked: - Grab your blender and pour in about a cup of milk. - If you have Greek yogurt and want to make it a bit healthier, add in about _ cup of that shit. - Pour in a shot or two of your alcohol of choice. - Next you add your fruit: strawberries, blueberries, bananas, apples. Whatever you have a taste for. - Top your smoothie off with a few handfuls of ice, but if you want your shake/smoothie on the creamy side, you don’t need it. - If you’re a total juicehead, add in some protein powder, bro! - Blend it up until it’s all nice and smooth. - Pour it in a glass, toss in a cute little drink umbrella, and chug, chug, chug! Feel free to get creative yet appetizing. Bananas and rum could be a good combination or the traditional berries and vodka. Maybe replace your milk and yogurt with Rumchata? The world is your oyster, so slurp it down.
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! e m a g g in k in r d l w o er b upAnnouncers... e SThe ThWhen When The Announcers...
during the halftime show....
Drink one when they say each other’s name.
Drink one for every Pepsi mention.
Drink one if Ray Lewis’ leadership is discussed.
Drink two when Beyonce changes songs.
Drink two for every forced Harbaugh pun.
Drink two if the camera cuts to a celebrity.
Drink three when they use the telestrator.
Drink five if Jay-Z or Kanye come on stage.
Drink four for each shot of the Harbaugh family.
Drink ten if Destiny’s Child comes on stage.
When the team you're rooting for... Drink one when a pass is completed.
Drink three for any sack your team causes.
Drink ONE for each point your team scores.
Drink three for every challenge.
Drink two for a ten-yard run.
Drink four for any turnover your team forces.
Drink two for any penalty on the other team
Drink four for any play over forty yards.
Drink two for any first down your team gets.
Chug your drink for the duration of an injury.
during the commercials...
in your place...
Drink one for every hot babe.
Drink two for everyone who wears a jersey.
Drink three for every beer commercial.
Drink two if someone uses gambling lingo.
Drink four for each company you don’t know.
Drink three every time someone spills.
Drink six every time animals are involved.
Drink five if you miss a score.
Drink six for dudes doin’ dumb dude-stuff.
Drink ten when something is broken in anger.
Even if you don’t know Tyrone Wells, you’ve heard Tyrone Wells. His personal brand of acoustic tuneage has appeared on everything from American Idol to Scrubs to the freaking Vampire Diaries. His latest album, This Love, dropped recently, and he begins a national tour in February. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: You recently released your fifth studio album, This Love; did you approach the creative process differently on this album? Tyrone Wells: I approached it knowing I wanted to keep the production a little bit more acoustic. Every time I try to make a record I try to keep it sparse, but songs keep growing. TBS: When you talk about an album growing, is that like, adding musical ingredients? A little of this, a little of that? Tyrone: Yeah, it is like that. I don’t always know what should be added, but there are songs like “Bring Her to Me” and “Aria” that are finger picking songs that I knew would be nice with hardly anything else added. But, when you get in the studio, you start thinking “This could use a little drum beat,” and then it can spiral out of control if you’re not careful. TBS: Do you usually know what you need to add, or is there trial and error? Tyrone: I’ll dig around for a while, unsure what the best thing to add is. That’s why it helps to have a good producer, to trust their instincts. That’s why a lot of artists can’t finish anything; they just dig a hole they can’t get out of. TBS: These sparse songs, do you write with the intention of them being that way? Tyrone: Some songs I know it’ll be best with little added. On the other hand, sometimes I think I know, and then I end up with something totally different. TBS: And does that feeling come from lyrical subject matter, or something else? Tyrone: If the songs feels intimate or if it feels bombastic, that has a lot to do with it. Just knowing it will shine more if there is less added. TBS: You’re about to head out on a national tour. When you go on tour do you try to recreate a song as you recorded it, or just have fun with it? Tyrone: It depends. Sometimes I tour with a full band, other times it’s just with one other guy. When I have just one other guy, it’s hard to reproduce a song as it’s performed on a record. Sometimes we’ll fiddle with songs intentionally, adding a different groove or something. For the most part, I try to keep it similar to the record. TBS: Has there been any song that’s changed its meaning to you over time, then, in turn, you’ve changed the approach to how you play it live? Tyrone: No, I don’t think so. I labor beforehand over how the song would be best performed. I’ve been to shows and gotten annoyed when artists change songs, especially if they change the songs drastically. I don’t know if you’ve ever been to a Counting Crows concert, but they perform every song differently than they recorded it, and I’m like, “I’m seeing you because I like the way this song sounds.” TBS: How much input do you have in your touring? Tyrone: I’m very involved in where we go, where we play, for sure. It’s my life and I want to enjoy the experience. If I love a room or it has the wrong vibe, I’ll hit up my booking agent. TBS: In this new musical landscape, how do you define your success? Tyrone: I think for me, I care if a new record charts or not. That’s happened on the singer/ songwriter chart for me, with my last releases coming up number one or number two. TV and film placement are important, and touring. When you come through a town and you notice if the audience is bigger or smaller than it was last time. TBS: Can you really note the different sizes of audiences in cities? Tyrone: I can tell just by the enthusiasm of the crowd. And I mean, we switch venues, and that can change the perception of how well we’re doing in a city. TBS: Build me a perfect sandwich. Tyrone: You know, my perfect sandwich… that’s a great, great question. French baguette, barbecued pork, radish, jalapeño, carrots, and basil. The way they prepare the meat, it rocks the world.
the big three
entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.
warm bodies In theaters february 1st
After a zombie apocalypse leaves a bunch of people craving human brains, R (Nicholas Hoult) and his zombie friends encounter a group of people. R kills a man then proceeds to fall in love with his girlfriend, Julie (Teresa Palmer). They begin to develop a relationship, and R slowly becomes less zombie-like, proving that if a zombie can find love, then so can your braindead ass.
Super Bowl XLVII February 3rd at 6pm on CBS
For those who don't read roman, this year's Super Bowl is the 47th and the first one to feature opposing head coach brothers; the Baltimore Ravens' John Harbaugh and the San Francisco 49ers' Jim Harbaugh. But most importantly, Beyonce and her children of destiny are performing at half time. Ma, heat up the spin dip!
Puppy Bowl IX February 3rd at 3pm on Animal Planet
The lovely (assuming) ladies of Animal Planet present two hours of puppies rolling around on each other and being adorable in the 9th year of the Puppy Bowl. There's no Beyonce at half time, and it doesn't cost $4 million dollars for a 30-second commercial, but it's friggin' puppies playing with each other for 120 minutes. That's a whole lot of cute.
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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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