The Black Sheep
Fr ge ee... tt l ail ike t ga h tin e dr g a ink tT s he you Bo wl !
Vol. 2, Issue 3
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
9/12/13 - 9/16/13
Four Things the University of Kentucky
Won’t Put in Your K Book BY: Quinn Schwartz
The K Book, aka the Freshman Bible, is chock full of important details about the University of Kentucky. UK Basketball has eight national championships, Whitehall is old as fuck, and rubbing the toe of the P.O.T statue will balance out your drunkenly fueled procrastination. However, the officials at UK don’t give the full story. That’s why The Black Sheep decided to blow shit out of the water by listing the four things that are kept on the DL, because ignorance is not always bliss. Transylvania Book Heist: When college students are bored, most of the time they will rely on a solid dose inebriation or minor mischief to keep them occupied until more pressing matters arise, but on December 17, 2004 three UK students decided that kind of behavior was mere child’s play and opted instead to execute one of the most expensive art heists in recent American history at the expense of their dorky little brother, Transylvania. The students adopted nicknames and garb from Tarantino’s Reservoir Dogs and walked into the Transylvania County Library on a mission to skip the hassle of college life and get rich quick instead. Since the costumes and fun nicknames weren’t enough, the thieves decided it would be best to use a stun pen on the librarian on duty and top it off by binding his limbs and throwing a gunny sack over his head just like they do in real life (aka the movies). The students stole about $750,000 worth of documents from the library including a manuscript of Darwin’s Origin of Species. Two months after making a clean break from the library, the thieves decided enough time had passed and attempted to sell the works to an auction house in New York, which led to their inevitable arrest. Each man was sentenced to up to 10 years in prison. Bluegrass Conspiracy: In the late 70s and early 80s, Lexington native, UK Law graduate and then-current LPD officer Andrew Thornton II, decided he was tired of busting parties and writing tickets and decided to start being a little more productive with his useful position of authority. Thornton began selling confiscated drugs and weapons, and after growing bored with the typical crooked cop activities, started a huge smuggling ring and recruited a number of Lexington police officers and officials. Everything was going great for the group of smugglers known as “The Company” until Thornton accidently murdered the daughter of a former state senator. The woman also just happened to be a DEA informant. Oops. This led to a slew of murders and cover ups within “The Company”
until finally the DEA had Thornton cornered. Thornton, not wanting to go out like a bitch, leapt from his private plane equipped with a parachute, night vision goggles, two pistols and $15 million worth of Columbian cocaine. Unfortunately for Thornton and coke heads everywhere, his parachute failed and was found dead in a back yard in Knoxville, Tennessee. Kentucky Basketball Point Shaving Scandal: Not only was legendary Kentucky basketball coach Adolf Rupp a notorious racist, but his team was also involved in the largest point shaving scandal of all time. Kentucky players Ralph Beard, Alex Groza and Bill Spivey, along with 30 other college athletes from various schools, were involved in putting the fix on games to make profit. Oh yeah, the scandal was also orchestrated by the mob. As a result, the NCAA cancelled not only the ’52-’53 basketball schedule, but the entire ’52-’53 UK athletics schedule. The three athletes were
The Creatures of Kentucky
A Sober Girl’s Open Letter To Campus Drunks
Lexington is full of many strange species.
never charged, but were still banned from the NBA for life. The names Beard, Groza and Spivey still hang in the rafters of Rupp Arena to this day. The Foot Stabber: In 2011 the William T. Young library was terrorized by a brutal and heartless foot stabber. One unidentified man armed with a small knife and a grudge against open toed sandals decided to wage a war on innocent students preparing for finals. Two incidents were reported, but no arrests were ever made, which means the foot stabber is still out there… somewhere. Rumors speculate that the suspect fled to Mexico where he would be able to find no shortage of barefoot victims, while at the same time escaping the long arm of the UKPD. Even though these four things aren’t the greatest advertisements for our great university, we feel they’re worth knowing so that history shall not repeat itself. So when news that Coach Cal and Tod Lanter aren’t tied up in a score-fixing, mob-ruled coke ring, you can thank us. You’re welcome, UK!
Just what does this rare breed think of all us partiers?
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Herversion A secret sexual fetish coyly conveyed by one woman to her group of female friends.
“When Maggie told her sorority sisters, ‘sometimes a small one feels better,’ Maggie’s herversion came to light, she actually liked small wieners.”
Week Guess The Mascot Tweet Us @UKBLackSheep First right answer wins a prize!
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If yours proves to be the weirdest, you’ll win a prize and be featured in next week’s issue!
Last Week’s Answer: Syracuse’s Otto the Orange
The Black Sheep
Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @UKBlackSheep and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!
An intergalactic smuggler actor sadly forced to trade in his pride and joy for a domestic 85-horsepower downgrade.
Last Week’s Answer: Buddy Guy Fieri
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By: C Weaver
of Kentucky Traveling past the thick green in the Arboretum and vast K Lot of this fine institution, you will stumble across a habitat known as the University of Kentucky. Many a species dwell here, and it can become quite difficult distinguishing the trash from the sightseeing treasures. This guide will allow you to identify common species native to the university because let’s face it, sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference between a rabid, starving cat and a freshman during midterms. Jaywalkers: Perhaps the most common creature found at this university, the jaywalker proudly makes its way through Rose Street with little concern for its surroundings. This species hasn’t quite mastered the blinking, speaking signs that others members of the race have already figured out. They walk when a crosswalk says stop, they stop in the middle of the road when it says walk, and they pay most attention to their phones when 4,000 pound hunks of metal are flying around them; it may be that they suffer from a few genetic mutations that lead to an underdevelopment of common sense, but scientists are still struggling to find the reason behind their rash stupidity. Either way, road kill will rapidly increase as drivers get less and less patient throughout the season, so come see this creature before it makes its way onto Kentucky’s endangered species list.
Misplaced K-Lair Stoners: If you wander past Willy T. towards Rose Street and start seeing more and more glazy-eyed, far-too-happy-for-a-Monday students, you’ve most likely found your way into the world of the elusive K-Lair stoner. Once upon a time, there stood a local watering hole where tokers of all kinds would gather to cure their case of the munchies with soggy fries and mediocre burgers. They’ve since abandoned the territory in search of a new food source, Chick-fil-A’s waffle fries from 5 to 8 p.m. However, if you’re lucky, you can still find them migrating back to where K-Lair previously stood, looking confused, salivating, and wondering “Dude, where’s K-Lair Grill?” Basketball Groupies: The best time to view this spectacular species is in March, when the Wildcats wallow in the limelight. Scores of scantily clad farmers’ daughters will swarm the Wildcat Coal Lodge, eager to join the Big Blue Good for Eighteen Years Club by scoring with the newest point guard. While viewing the common mating rituals, such as the John Wall dance, you could be asked to snap a picture of them with the team. If, as you begin to take the photograph you yell, “Flex to the left, throw some money out your hands,” they will view you as one of their own and no longer feel threatened. The most
magnificent behavior seen in this group is that they will still sleep with the team even if the team loses in the first round of the NIT. Now that’s dedication. Engineering Majors: These are the guys with the most intense workload you can imagine, and yet they never really seem to be doing anything. It is still unknown to scientists how these creatures manage to always look fresh, despite having stayed up for three days straight. You can find them fiddling with their BMW keys as they make their daily commute back and forth between Ralph G. Anderson and the CP building. Be sure not to get too close, though, as social contact with the outside world has yet to be observed within this pack.
The Black Sheeper: Though quite rare, these bitchin’ beasts can usually be found hard at work (or drunk at work) on Tuesday nights, desperate to finish their article before that last John Wall shot kicks in. They’re experts when it comes to hunting and gathering, if you’re hunting for a good time and what you’re gathering is beer. They’re similar to the North American beaver; nocturnal, good at handling their wood, and always thirsty. If you notice any species walking around our fine campus, please tweet us at @UKBlackSheep, and we’ll be sure to enter the species into our next release. Until then, Godspeed out there, Wildcats.
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A Sober Girl’s Open Letter to
Monsters that Deserve a Twilight Makeover By: black sheep staff
Twilight was not the first book or film to eroticize vampires and werewolves, but it was unique in its total commitment to disregarding all of society’s standards, notions and definitions of what vampires and werewolves are in favor, of sex appeal-wise. We think that’s bogus, partly because what the goddamn hell, but mostly because it reinforces prejudice against other, less sexy monsters. Here are the top ten monsters that deserve a second chance to win you over. 10.) Krampus: Izzy Goose is an awkward teenager who just can’t keep from being naughty around Christmas. Enter: the Krampus, a vicious, yet fascinatingly tortured soul, doomed to forever only see the evil in people. When he carries Izzy to his lair and makes her his prisoner, can she show Krampus just how nice it can be being naughty? 9.) Clowns: Izzy Goose didn’t know what drew her to the carnival that fateful day of the triple homicide. Nor why she found herself watching the clowns. Nor who was behind the cracking white face and the stained red fingertips juggling violins. All she knew was that she would have his babies. 8.) Godzilla: They called it a monster — a demon sent from beyond to punish humanity, or an alien with a hunger for flesh, or an experiment gone horribly wrong. But Izzy knew better than that. She saw the pain in Godzilla’s lizard eyes, the desperate need to be loved, truly, hidden behind a seemingly impenetrable wall of hatred. In this, they were soul mates.
By: Shelby Bevins Everyone has been sober at a party. Some people more than others, and some people all the time. If you were to crack open the mind of a sober person at a party and look inside, we bet they’d cataloguing a pretty nasty narrative of annoyances about all you drunk assholes. So, we not-literally cracked open one of those sober skulls, and here’s what we found: Dear Sloppy Drunks, This is the sober girl you desperately try to hit on at the party while slobbering and slurring like stroke victims. The ill-fated conversations always begin like this, “Hey, you’re hot. Wanna have a drink and come back to my dorm? I’m pretty sure my roommate won’t mind. I’ll put a sock on my door, it’s like our thing haha…” I roll my eyes and try to convince you I’m a Louisville fan, but you’re quite persistent. You stare vapidly at me — your eyes murky and clouded like a port-a-potty after Beaux Arts. When you almost stumble into me while trying to seemingly make out with my forehead, I stop, drop, and roll on out of there. You curse me, then forget what you were doing, and proceed toward the beer pong table. As you and your other inebriated buddies play, there are arms flailing uncontrollably, beer being spilled all over the table, and bruises left by over-enthusiastic arc shots. Yet somehow it doesn’t seem as majestic as whisky-breathed, hoarse-voiced girls make it out to be in the middle of lecture.
7.) Mothman: Having been forced to move out to West Virginia with her father, Izzy Goose felt trapped by her new home. The small town felt like it was choking her, constricting her, and all she ever wanted to do was fly. Will a mysterious, tragically misunderstood creature of the night with a six pack help her shed her cocoon and spread her wings? 6.) Kraken: Izzy Goose thought she knew what it meant to be alone because her parents got divorced and she was a teenaged girl. But even though her soul was as full of pain as she could bear, her torturous existence was nothing next to the vast emptiness of the ocean to the last sea beast of its kind. She decided then to one day become one with him. 5.) Troll: The old abandoned bridge over the dried up river was decaying, but after Izzy’s boyfriend broke up with her, there was nothing she wouldn’t do, because hormones. The broken wood planks crumbled to dust under her feet, and she (and everyone else), hoped the fall would kill her. But the strong, pale green arms that caught her held her tight, at once possessive and protective. Izzy knew then what love was. 4.) Wendigo: Izzy was not like other girls. Her friends flocked to the light — the easy, the happy side of life — while Izzy Goose felt an instinctive desire to return to darkness. Before he had even said one word to Izzy, she knew her new, gaunt, almost skeletal classmate’s soul was like her own: corrupted. And yet, Izzy saw sadness in his black eyes. Sadness that he had hurt everyone he had ever loved, and that he was beyond saving. 3.) Gjenganger: The rash of mysterious illnesses in her town led Izzy Goose to bravely investigate Google. There, she learned about the Gjenganger, a ghost of a suicide or murder victim with unfinished business. The more she read, the more she remembered her dead classmate, and the more she knew she had to save him before he hurt anyone else.
Oh, campus drunks, how you stumble and fall over each other while attempting to dance. It looks more like square dancing at the Hokey-Pokey Corral, or even more like face planting on the floor, moan, then confusedly laugh. If this happened in a sober situation, it would be more nauseating than a Kentucky football game. Here’s the best part: I just love how you take off your shirt, whoop so loudly my eardrums explode, only to turn pale and vomit onto a girl’s new sequined pump. The look on her face is priceless, but when she slaps your face and runs shrieking into the bathroom, the whole room lights up with laughter. I find a spot to kill some time before I ditch this scene, but lo and behold, one of you comes over to me and plops your head in my lap, giving me what I think is a puppy dog look but looks more like a bad caricature of Cher. I push your drooling head off and hate myself for even coming to the shit show that is State Street. As I walk out, the lawn is strewn with cups, UK foam fingers, and Scratch sleeping on a pile of trash. All I can do is shake my head and admire the splendor of it all. I guess I shouldn’t give you all too much flack; college is a rite of passage lined with sex, drugs, and beer. But next time you decide to attempt to outdrink the Irish, remember (or rather try to remember): the random persons you may wake up with; the barbecue sauce that ended up all over your nipples; the barf that landed in the radiator rather than the toilet; the fucked up tattoo of Calipari on your calf; and the turgid argument you had with the coatrack. And when you show up to Patterson Tower for your 9:30 class with that throbbing cranium and redrimmed eyes, just be prepared for the thunder of words that may just barely be a whisper. Sincerely, The fed-up sober girl
2.) Cthulhu: Izzy Goose had found the ancient book in the library, hidden in a secret panel in the bookshelves, and now it was hers. The Necronomicon promised untold power if the reader would embrace the darkness, but there was only one thing Izzy Goose wanted: a date to prom whom she could marry someday and raise hellspawn with. 1.) Jersey Devil: Izzy Goose had gone her whole life believing “Jersey Devil” was another word for J-Woww. But when the horse-headed, two-legged, fire-breathing, bewinged terror ripped his way into her life, she felt something she could never feel for anyone on MTV — fatal attraction.
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on the Streets If you could have any mythical creature as a pet, which one would you choose? p h o m o re A m a n d a , So
“A werewolf, because Taylor Lautner is my man!”
h o m o re M a rc u s , S o p
“A Pegasus would be AWESOME!”
ior Faiyad, Jun
“Obviously a tamed fire breathing dragon! Who wouldn’t want that?! My enemies would fear me for decades!”
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Area Man’s Underwhelming Life Affected by the Coming Out of Many Lesser Known Celebrities By: Black Sheep Staff Recent reports indicate that celebs such as Wentworth Miller, the star of Prison Break; Zachary Quinto, Spock in the Star Trek film; and WWE wrestler Darren Young have come out loud and proud as gay men, confirming in the minds of millions of Confederate supporters, religious leaders, and a fair amount of truck drivers that the gays are conquering America. To the dismay of Charlie Sheen and rightwingers everywhere, one area man revealed to our informants that “Honestly, instead of hearing about some gay dude that I wouldn’t know is a celebrity unless someone told me, at the end of the day, I would rather just take a bubble bath and find something new to pulse in my food processor.”
“...at the end of the day, I would rather just take a bubble bath and find something new to pulse in my food processor.” Sources confirmed that the area man is a twenty-something data entry specialist straight out of college who lives by himself in a two bedroom apartment, who is surprisingly okay with his life. The coming out of many celebs has given the area man very little to think about. Earlier this month, he released a statement to reporters indicating he
neither plans on becoming an advocate for LGBT communities nor for anti-gay rights. While many have found the area man’s apathy utterly appalling, he fails to waiver and wishes to continue living a normal life. The area man recently agreed to let a select few reporters shadow him in order to better understand how the average American male has reacted to this new influx of gay C-list celebrities. One reporter stated that the full impact of publicly coming-out-of-the-closet gay celebrities must have been lost on the area man since he blankly listened to talk radio that briefly discussed the topic and then proceeded to make a turkey sandwich and walk his dog, Mr. McFluffers. Another reporter made a similar observation that it’s as if the area man’s life hasn’t been affected at all by this news as he continues his hobbies of assembling model airplanes and frequenting local dive bars with the IT guys from the seventh floor of his work building. “It’s really baffling,” one neighbor commented with a shocked disposition, “it’s like the sexuality of others has no bearing on his daily life. He just continues to use his panini press like it’s no big deal, and, guuurl, doesn’t he know the gays invented the panini press?” The neighbor continued to reveal his sneaking suspicion that the area man may in fact himself be gay stating, “I have never seen him with a woman. I don’t think he even wants to be with a woman sexually, and, ew, like who would?” When confronted about his sexuality, the area man claimed to be straight just “not interested in dating right now.”
While the local area man may continue to carry out his days in unaltered solitude, celebrities all across the US are now in with the gays. In whatever way the daily lives of Americans have been affected by this starling wave of new age gays, one thing is certain: women are a thing of the past. Gone are the days of moms having maternity leaves lasting longer than the time they spent in college finding a husband before promptly dropping out, and in are the days of gay parents adopting the children of Ecuador, Guatemala, and the Philippines and generally sticking it to the straights everywhere.
read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com
how to create: By: staff
a Hypothetical Business
We’re college students for a reason — because we are the brightest, most ambitious, creativest 36% of our age group, and because we love being intoxicated. Oftentimes, this combination leads to entire Saturday nights drunkenly inventing entrepreneurial ventures we won’t even remember in the morning. There is a right way to creating a fantasy business venture, and there is a wrong way. And too often students ignore procedure in the throes of their high, leading to an empty life as a pencil pusher at some boring generic office to pay the mortgage on their condo. Here’s a handy guide to creating your hypothetical business, as well as the foundation for your retirement plan and your first divorce because “you don’t support my dreams!” STEP 1: The Drunkening What it sounds like: “Come on, you pussy! Finish the bottle! Finish him, haha! Like, BOOM! Do we have anymore root beer schnapps? I’m gonna be sick.” What it is: Drinking is the best way to release all those creativity elves you have stored in your brain, and drinking with friends is the best way to do it without making your roommates think you have a drinking problem. By encouraging you to drink even more, your friends are telling you that they believe in the power of your dreams, and want to see you reach your full potential. STEP 2: Bathroom Time What it sounds like: “Shit, dude, I have to piss like a
goddamn racehorse. Ha, what does a racehorse even piss like? Let’s take a shower! I’m gonna be sick.” What it is: Everything in the bathroom is great at inspiring our most creative ideas. It is known. Have a seat for ten minutes, or take a long, hot shower. Splash your face with water and stare at your reflection for half an hour — inspiration will come. STEP 3: The Seed What it sounds like: “You know that edible body paint stuff? I like that shit. Can we go shopping? Let’s get cupcakes on the way! Oh my God, when’s the last time we went to a comic book shop HOLD UP.” What it is: You’ve recognized a gaping hole in the market; a hole you can hypothetically fill. Let the seed germinate for a few minutes. Yes. Yes! That could work! STEP 4: The Pitch What it sounds like: “Check it out! What if we started, like, a nerdy themed bakery, right? Like, Star Trek cake pops and lembas and, like, Hogwarts cupcakes. Hang on, listen, Danny! And in the back, in the back, we could have like a nerd-themed bar, slash sex toy shop!” What it is: Telling other people your idea is very important for many reasons. First, you’re less likely to forget it in the morning, especially if your friends record you furiously gesticulating and falling over. Second, if they’re eccentric billionaires, they might be able to suggest ways to make it happen or pay you for the entertainment. Third, if they’re into it, they’ll help you hammer out some more great ideas, leading to:
#COLLEGENIGHT $1 DRAFTS, $2 WELLS, $3 JELL-O SHOTS, $4 BOMBS
STEP 6: Too Far What it sounds like: “It’ll be easy! There isn’t a bank in the world that won’t give a business loan on this! And I heard that that bar on Rose just went out of business! We have to get the loan tomorrow and buy the store front while real estate prices are still low! Forget student loans, Kelly, this is gold!” What it is: This buzz-kill step is important to the life cycle of the hypothetical. By suggesting achievability, no matter how ridiculous, you’re bringing the fantastic into the realm of reality, and few drunken ideas are good enough to survive in the real world. STEP 7: What it sounds like: “No, but, wait. Listen. Danny. Listen. Listen to me. Like, imagine… Karen, wait, shh.
Okay. Fire drinks. I’m gonna be sick.” What it is: This is the last stage in the life cycle of the hypothetical business, and it’s important to remember that what feels like flailing and sputtering conversation is actually a normal, healthy transition into a peaceful hypothetical death. STEP 8: Fatality What it sounds like: “BLEUGHHHH cough pant pant BLAAAARRRRRGHHHH oh my God I’m dyi-zzzzzzzzz.” What it is: This sad, messy end is the death of your business hypothetical and your night. While you might be tempted to mourn your loss, we think you should celebrate your experience instead. All good things must come to an end to make way for better things. You might not remember much of your hypothetical business proposal. If you do, it must have been something very special — run with it, little rabbit. If not, a million dollar idea is just around the Thursday. Get some more vodka and repeat!
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STEP 5: Infinite Details What it sounds like: “Every week could have a different theme, like Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, or classic American novels, or Avengers vs Justice League! Yes, Danny, obviously we’d have Borg bondage stuff. ‘Resistance is Futile,’ right? I like Karen’s idea! We could call it, ‘Talk Nerdy to Me’!” What it is: Planning all the trivial hypothetical details is the most fun you can ever have with a hypothetical business. Everything from arming your employees with marshmallow guns to Pantsless Tuesday makes planning your enterprise a fun group activity. Bringing your friends into the action often creates a positive feedback loop of ideas, each feeding off the last, until you have a glorious, one-of-a-kind dream.
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Bartender of the Week Relationship Status: Taken!!!
What’s one thing you wish everyone would care less about?: The price of your drinks at the bar… get over it, let’s party!!!
Major: Drinking Favorite Drink: Dirty Martinis
What was the first CD you ever owned?: Backstreet Boys
Favorite Shot: Awesome Sauce Disgusting Drink: Anything sweet… Bleh! What would you title a TV show that was about Kentucky?: I wouldn’t….
Mikayla of Tin Roof
If you had to lose one appendage, which would you choose?: Appendages… who needs that shit?!
What’s the third best restaurant in Lexington?: King, that’s no question.
Bartenders who can do cool tricks with bottles and stuff: Yea or nay?: Nay, ain’t nobody got time for that.
Explain twerking in five words or less: Twerk. Game. Proper… Miley. Cyrus.
What’s the worst prank you’ve seen someone pull at a party?: No comment…
What rumor about yourself would you like to start?: My dad owns Toaster Strudel and my hair is full of secrets!
Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because I’m the Bartender of the Week!
Recipe for disaster
Drinking Game Boxing
Sweet Potato Fries
At The Black Sheep, we don’t support roughhousing of any kind, but we do love a good drinking game to get you drunk pretty quick. Get some friends and some girls in bikinis. Welcome to Boxing. *ding ding*
Sweet potato fries are all the rage lately, like twerking and hashtagging the shit out of everything. Instead of going to your favorite restaurant and tossing down a Hamilton for a basket of ‘em, try making a batch yourself. It’s actually not that hard.
What You’ll Need: A stop watch, 2 shot glasses, 2 dice and some beer. Number of Players: Four Level of Intoxication: Let’s hope you can take a punch well.
What You’ll Need: A few pounds of sweet potatoes, cinnamon, olive oil, salt and pepper. Cook Time: About 30 minutes Fatty Factor: It’s a vegetable, or something. You’re fine.
How to Play: - Two of the players (called “boxers”) play head-to-head, like a boxing match, and sit at opposite ends of a table. - The other two players act as the boxers’ “coaches” and sit to the side of their desired player. - Give each boxer a die and a shot glass full of beer. - One of the coaches start the timer, and the boxers each roll their die. - The boxer who rolls the lower number takes “the punch” and drinks their shot of beer. Their coach then has to quickly refill the shot glass for the next roll. - The game continues like this: The boxers roll again, the lower number drinks and the shot glass is refilled. - If the boxers roll the same number, just re-roll! - Play three rounds (for three minutes each) with a 30 second break in between. - Once the boxers finish, switch places with the coaches and keep going!
Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat your oven to 450 degrees. - Line a baking sheet with aluminum foil. - Wash off your potatoes and scrub off any dirt. - If you want, peel the potatoes, but it’s not really necessary. - Cut the potatoes into strips so they’re sized like normal fries. You know what those are right? - Lay out the strips on the aluminum foil as flat as you can. - Drizzle a little olive oil across the fries. Move ‘em around a bit so the oil is evenly dispersed. - Sprinkle on the cinnamon, salt and pepper. - Put the fries in the oven for 20 minutes, stopping halfway through to move them around a bit. Add more cinnamon if you want! - Let them cool a bit before serving, so they don’t burn your mouth or mush together. - Dip them in ketchup, honey mustard or nothing at all!
The Game Ends When: A real fight breaks out. No blood in the beer!
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Not a fan of cinnamon? Try them with honey! Or parmesan cheese. There’s no way to go wrong with this.
nomnomnomnom theblacksheeponline.com 11
serious By: Zach Wyrzykowski
A Guide to Faking Your Way Through Any TV Series Conversation
So the first few weeks of the new semester have gone smoothly in the stenchbox you call a dorm. Your roommate probably isn’t going to skin you in your sleep, and you’ve been dodging the topic of favorite television programs until recently, when it reared its ugly head. You feel safe informing your roommate that you’ve casually dabbled in a few of the big dogs like Breaking Bad and The Walking Dead, when he springs on you a terrible truth: he follows his show with devoutness that would frighten the Pope, and now is insisting that you begin catching up on all 25 seasons while he tells you
how great each episode is. Somehow, he does this to the minutest of detail, while avoiding spoilers. Luckily, there’s a way to avoid this sweaty, fanfic-filled fate: fake it. With only a few vague references, a “favorite character” and a falsified understanding of some inside jokes thanks to your best buds at The Black Sheep, the most loyal Whovian can pass for a Game of Thrones nerd in all but the most engaging of conversations.
game of thrones
breaking bad The Gist: Walter White is a brilliant teacher until he gets cancer, starts cooking meth, shaves his head, and gets progressively more ruthless. Also his brother-in-law is in the DEA. This leads to delightful hijinks of the murder-y kind.
The Gist: Skyrim with politics. It sucks to be a Stark, the Lannisters are richer than Romney, and boobs are everywhere. Like: Tyrion. He’s a dwarf who can talk circles around every character. He bones everything he can reach, and then some, before falling in love with a whore. A tough little bastard, overall.
Like: Jessie Pinkman, Walt’s cooking partner. He gets less chill with Walt’s self-serving tendencies throughout the series, and tries to distance himself from his meth-filled murder parade several times. Hate: Women. Walt’s wife, Jessie’s girlfriends, and really every other female in the series. They all end up screwing everything up for everyone all the time, somehow.
Hate: King Joffrey. He’s a blonde, seventeen-year-old ball of shit. If you ever mention him without using the words “rat bastard” in the same sentence, you’ve been found out. Fun Phrases: “Valar Morghulis.” “Dragons.” “Hodor.”
Fun Phrases: “Science, bitch!” “Say my name.” “Minerals.”
Difficulty to Fake: Difficult
Difficulty to Fake: Casual
The Newsroom The Gist: Will McAvoy is a news anchor for ACN, a fictional news network set in our universe. His ex-girlfriend/ executive producer shows up and helps him make the news less bullshit and more honest. The entire cast of coworkers get way too involved in each other’s personal lives. Like: Charlie Skinner, McAvoy’s boss and friend. His bow-tie always makes him look like a balloon salesman, and his freak-outs are always followed by large amounts of bourbon. Hate: Reese Lansing, the president of ACN. He’s a sneaky bastard who desperately tries to bring Will and his team down for the sake of profits from advertising. Fun Phrases: “Don Quixote.” “Throw out the rundown.” “Bigfoot.”
Difficulty to Fake: Easy
Sherlock The Gist: A twist on Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s classic detective tales set in modern times. Sherlock is essentially a more badass Sheldon Cooper with a stalwart sidekick and a Blackberry. Like: Irene Adler, dominatrix, master thief and the only person Sherlock shows any interest in romantically. Hate: James Moriarty. He’s as smart as Sherlock, with a metric ton more annoying mannerisms and facial expressions. Fun Phrases: “Mind palace.” “Sherlocked.” “Tea.”
Difficulty to Fake: Elevated
Arrested Development The Gist: A recently-revived sitcom, this show follows the Bluths, a wealthy family with more self-destructive tendencies than Kurt Cobain. It falls to Michael, the unofficial head of the family, to stop the family from destroying itself. Like: Lucille Bluth. She’s an alcoholic, judgmental hypocrite with a dash of racism thrown in. Lucille could teach a college course on backhanded compliments. Hate: Barry Zuckerkorn. He’s the family’s bumbling lawyer, and frequently shows up to court even less prepared than the Bluths. Fun Phrases: “Banana stand.” “No touching.” ”Analrapist.”
Difficulty to Fake: Medium
Dr. who The Gist: Quirky time traveling British guy in a blue police box whose mission is to convince you that everything in the world is actually alive and trying to kill you. This show’s been going on since the beginning of time, so it’s probably best to avoid trying to watch every season at all costs. Like: The Doctor. All of them. There are 13, but they’re all the same person because British people drive on the left side of the road and scoff at things like logic and dentistry. Hate: Daleks. They’re basically a race of R2-D2s, if R2-D2 was big, shiny, and wanted to electrocute everything with his dick. Fun Phrases: “T.A.R.D.I.S.” “Sonic screwdriver.” “Exterminate.”
Difficulty to Fake: Expert
the walking dead The Gist: Zombies. But mostly people talking about them. Rick Grimes is the leader of a group of survivors, and spends most of his free time letting people screw him over, hallucinating about his dead wife, and not watching his son. Like: Daryl Dixon. He’s the no-bullshit redneck with a crossbow who exists to kick ass and take ears. Hate: Carl Grimes, Rick’s thirteen-year-old son. He thinks he’s hot shit because he gets to wear a cowboy hat and doesn’t flinch while shooting his mombie in the head. Fun Phrases: “Carl, get in the house.”
Difficulty to Fake: Easy
the seek n find
can you find everything in this computer lab? Send your answers to firstname.lastname@example.org - the first right answer gets a prize!
m.a.s.h. Best Man: - Rick Ross - Ricky Gervais - Rick Rubin - Ricky Martin
Topic of Speeches: - Twerking - Fracking - Vomiting - Sunbathing
Honeymoon Destination: - Dollywood - Legoland - Disney World - Six Flags Mexico
Maid of Honor: - Beyonce - Eve - Adele - Madonna
Main Entree: - Doritos Locos Tacos - McDonald’s $1 Menu - Wendy’s Frosties - $5 Footlongs
Mode of Transportation - Crab walk - Segway - Skateboard - Roller skates
Celebrity Performer: - Public Enemy - Paul Reubens - Passion Pit - Paul Simon
Type of Keg Beer: - Nitro milk stout - Natty Ice - Red Stripe - O’Douls Non-Alcoholic
Bonding Adventure: - EDM Festival - Reading 50 Shades of Grey - Freeing zoo animals - Matching Obama tattoos
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your future How to Play: Dash some lines until someone, or your brain, tells you to stop. Take the number of lines and go down the list, and cross off every time you get to your numbers. Where there is one left in each category, that is your future. Yeah, you remember this from elementary school - don’t pretend like you don’t.
Synonyms for good
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Groovy Hot Keen Legit Neat
Nifty Peachy Slap Up Smashing Solid
Superb Swell Tight Tits Wonderful
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