The Black Sheep
FR THA EE...L T CO IKE T ME HE S WIT TO H E MAC ATI NG H PAIN SBA S RRO .
Vol. 3, Issue 2
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
1/23/14 - 1/30/14
KENTUCKY KERNEL COVERS SOMETHING
OTHER THAN KENTUCKY BASKETBALL BY: MARY VENUTO LEXINGTON, KY- In the middle of White Hall Classroom Building between 10:50 a.m. and 11:00 a.m., political science major Ray Asburn let out a bloodcurdling scream. Passersby stopped and starred as they saw Ray hurl his backpack through the window and rip out a chunk of his beard. With tears streaming down his face and beads of sweat prickling over his hairline, Asburn picked up a copy of the Kentucky Kernel. He flipped through the pages in frantic disbelief, only to hurl the whole paper on the ground and storm out of White Hall. For the first time in nearly a decade, the Kentucky Kernel featured an article that had little to nothing to do with the Kentucky basketball team. “I need the Kentucky Kernel’s extensive coverage of our Cats basketball team. Without it, I just wouldn’t know what to do with myself,” Asburn told sources as he scratched the side of his neck. The Kentucky sophomore plans his whole day around the Cats’ practice schedule and prays in the direction of Rupp Arena three times a day. “I mean, I already follow the Harrison twins on Twitter so I guess I’ll just have to rely on that today — here’s to hoping they tweet more than pictures of each others’ butts…” Fifth year senior Molly Martin did not share Asburn’s sentiment. “I didn’t think anyone at the Kernel knew that other things went on here at UK, which is why I switched to reputable news sources like FOX.” She went on to stuff her backpack full of the newspapers, because “no one back home is going to believe this.” The feature article on the cover was a story on Dance Blue. It only mentioned Calipari supporting Dance Blue efforts two times, and that Jon Hood may be in attendance if he “isn’t too tired after practice.” The issue also had articles about Eli Capilouto outsourcing the entire university to China and a little quip on the weather. The Kernel writer, who asked to remain anonymous, met with The Black Sheep in front of P.O.T at midnight, telling us to “not get used to it… The next issue is all about Calipari’s niece’s daughter’s birthday.” He went on to tell us that the Kernel is composed of 98 sports writers and 2 reporters for “other stuff,” which is why he set out to blaze his own trail. “I have always dreamed of editing my own newspaper, one that gave the readers straight facts without bipartisan influence in the analysis.”
YOU ONLY MISSED THE WOMAN WHO CLEANS YOUR DORM
OH ROSIE, LOVELY ROSIE, IT’S GOOD TO BE BACK.
However, the editor-in-chief of the Kentucky Kernel stepped forward to give her side of the story. “Listen, when I put something about UK basketball in a headline I get 120% more page views, so sue me. You can only lead a story with ‘NSFW: Harrison Twin Nudes’ so many times before people start catching on. But dammit if I can’t trick students into reading about UK raising tuition for the fourth year in a row.” She then went on to have a nervous breakdown upon coming to the full realization that the only thing students on this campus care about is
anything and everything to do with UK basketball. “Everything I’ve done in my life thus far has been a waste,” she sighed as she took a flask out of her purse and started walking towards Two Keys. Kentucky Kernel readers will be relieved to know that the next issue will feature a tell all of the Harrison twins’ bedtime routines, a list of the birthday gifts Calipari’s niece’s daughter received for her eleventh birthday, and a 1200 word recap of the Texas A&M game.
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The Only Person You Missed Was the Woman Who Cleans Your Dorm
You’re almost getting back into the swing of things at school — becoming acclimated all over again to shower flip-flops, microwaving ramen noodles, and only talking to your parents once a month. It’s a new semester and that means a clean slate, right? Wrong! You’re slowly starting to realize that your roommate still sucks, your RAs still hate you, and the worst part of school is school. But then, a glimmer of hope for the new semester stands shimmering in the showers. Your janitor friend, Rosie, the sixty year old woman who’s seen you naked and heard you poop on several occasions, is your rock; your glimmer of hope for better semester.
BY: REBECCA ANDERSON
You first met on a fateful Wednesday morning upon waking up early to “shower the hangover away,” and there she stood. You had seen her before jamming to old Usher songs and Tupac rap ballads while mopping the bathroom floor with toilet water from each stall. However, you had never approached her. “Um, excuse me, is it okay if I take a shower?” you muttered, but she didn’t hear you. You walked up behind her to tap on a shoulder, and she turned around just in time to scare the towel off you. It was that Wednesday you looked sixty-year old Rosie dead in the eyes before sprinting red-faced to the other bathroom down the hall. It was the beginning of a beautiful relationship. After a week of avoiding her, you finally mustered up the courage to enter the restroom while she was there. You didn’t have much of choice, as last night’s Burnett’s welled its way back up your throat… You decided the embarrassment of facing Rosie again was worth not purging all over your roommate’s bed again. So after you hugged the toilet for ten minutes, sucked water down from the bathroom sink, and shook off the cold sweats, you turned around to find her standing there. It was awkward at first, but you soon found yourself vomiting up the story of the night before, right there in the bathroom wearing nothing but your sleep frocket and full-bottom panties. Something felt right about talking to Rosie, if only because she was such a good listener. From there, whenever class ended and you walked from Memorial Hall your mind began to race with all the stories you wanted to tell Rosie. She never believed that someone gave the P.O.T statue a lap dance. You often wondered if she was hungry. You know how much she loves the indigestion she gets from Ovid’s Spicy Beef wraps, because she told you in the middle of discussing politics and the meaning of life. She’s worth spending a whole meal plan on, in your eyes, at least. Now, after a few weeks back this semester, you realize that she’s way better than your uppity Louisville fan of a roommate, and better yet, she doesn’t hate you because you skip floor meetings or “speak in tongues in your sleep.” Sure, Rosie may be sixty years old and constantly smell like Lysol and rubber gloves, but she invited you to come join her in drinking a Budweiser forty on her porch after she gets off work. And you love her for it.
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ON THE STREETS IF YOU HAD TO TITLE A SONG ABOUT YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING HIGH SCHOOL MOMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE CALLED?
r Jacob, Junio
“Holy Shot, I Said FuckIn Front of the Entire School.”
h o m o re Le a n n a , S o p
“What Goes Up Must Come Down.”
shman Angelo, Fre
“I Was the Only One Wet.”
PLACES TO HIDE IN WILLY T BY: CASSANDRA SHOUSE
JUST THE TIPS:
Balancing the Post-Book Buying Bank Account BY: UK STAFF By now you’ve maybe, sort of bought most of the books you need for the classes your probably not going to drop. And god dammit were the prices higher than Denver on 4/20. Your desperation to make up for such a devastating blow to your bank account is in line with the price of the textbooks. But don’t worry, The Black Sheep thought we’d provide you with a few insightful ways to make a comeback after your bank account dried up faster than Jon Hood’s girlfriend’s vagina after the Arkansas loss. Sell your body parts: While this may not be the healthiest solution to your monetary woes, it is a solution nonetheless. The going rate for a kidney on the black market will help you make a financial comeback with enough leftover for bets at Keeneland. We suggest that you sell something that isn’t your heart or liver. And don’t trust that kid on your dorm floor who “knows a guy in the ChemPhys building,” because that’s actually one of our writers, and he’s a little shaky with the knife. Open a meth lab: Willy T’s Big Blue Rock. That has a ring to it, and probably copyrighted, so you can just break two laws at once. We do recommend that you watch at least the first three seasons of Breaking Bad before considering such illegal shenanigans. Hijack the Twisted food truck by Funkhouser and use it to cook up some rock. It already has all the equipment you need, along with some cheesy tots, meth of the food world, which you can sweeten the deal with. Nothing goes better with meth than cheesy tots. Steal K-Lair’s secret recipe for burgers: For those of you who never got to enjoy the sweet
taste of a K-Lair burger and a large order of fries, we don’t know if we pity you or envy you. That shit was the gold standard of not-worth-thecalories burgers. But the new freshmen don’t know that, so you could screw over a bunch of freshmen by selling them the “legendary” Blanding Burger. For those of you brave enough to consider such a scheme, we salute you, and by all means encourage you to steal the recipe for Ovid’s’ spicy beef wrap while you’re at it. Resourcefully use Adderall: They say money is time and time is money, so pop a few Adderall as you sip your morning coffee and can speed through the day. Your mind will be moving so fast that you’ll figure out how UK’s football could win more than two games a season. Then you’d have enough energy to go get some decent recruits, come up with a fool-proof hook and latter scheme, and coach all your new players all before it’s time to start pre-gaming for McCarthy’s. Kidnap and ransom the Wildcat Statue: That damn thing is one of the reasons tuition went up six percent last year, so it’s really yours for the taking. Even if UK fails to give the amount of money you requested, saying they’ll “just raise tuition and build thirty more,” it’ll still be a great conversation starter when people come over and see it standing in the middle of your living room. Money around campus is like NCAA basketball championships in Louisville. We all barely have any, and we’re always making shitty attempts to come up with more. Consider these options to financially bounce back after you buy your books this semester. That Two Keys tab isn’t going to pay itself.
Whether it be an intense game of hide and seek, a budding romance, or bioterrorists invading campus, look no further when trying to find a secluded spot in Willy T. The Black Sheep have searched the sprawling library and explored its maze of catacombs to compile a list of its best nooks and crannies for you slink away into. 10.) 2nd floor lounge: The best place to hide is in plain sight. If you’re in a pinch you can simply take a seat in one of the armchairs, slouch down and throw a copy of The Black Sheep over your face. You’ll be just another faceless napper in sea of many. Note: Do not do this when hiding for sexual reasons. 9.) “Quiet” study: Although these are coveted spots, the one on the 5th floor is almost always a ghost town. You can easily stay hidden here for days, months even, until finals week. Need to get away from your meth-dealing room mate? Set up camp here, and you’ll have all the space and university-provided internet you can imagine. 8.) Auditorium: If your reason for hiding involves short-term chase, like if you just stabbed someone’s foot, this is the best spot to hide, Where’s Waldo?-style. It works best if there’s a class, as you can find a spot and disappear into the crowd. Lost among the faces, you’ll live to stab again. 7.) 4th floor: The 4th floor is bookshelves on bookshelves on more books that don’t have shelves. It’s easy to lose your bearings, which makes it a great place to hide and/or die. Pick a section, pop a squat, and try to remember how you got there, lest you end up like William Young, the poor boy who got lost and died there… 6.) 3rd floor payphones: When’s the last you used a payphone? Exactly. These little spots feature plenty of dividers and corners for you to curl up in like the stealthy cat-human you are. The only person to find you may be rebels from the Matrix underworld, but they’re usually pretty cool with students. 5.) Copier/printer nook: Also on the 3rd floor is the copier/printer nook. Since everyone prints at home this is a dead zone. “Why would she be here,” the cops will say, “students print at home now, you idiots!” Sneak back here for a while and your face may pop up on the side of milk cartons before too long. 4.) In the vending machines: If you can find a way to hide in the snack machines behind all the chips and candy bars, then not only would you be camouflaged, you’d also be set for breakfast, lunch, and dinner for a few days. You could even get so fat you’d be unrecognizable to whomever you’re hiding from! 3.) The Hub: Mosey over to The Hub, lay claim to a cubby, then immediately draw one of the wheeled white boards to the entrance and create a makeshift wall. Once you’re blocked from everyone’s judgystares, you can procrasturbate to your heart’s content without having to trek back to your apartment. 2.) Underneath the stairs in the basement: We call this Harry Potter’s closet because you can keep just about anything hidden in there. Beneath the stairs connecting the main lobby to the basement you’ll find a large, empty space under it. Six, maybe seven people dressed as wizards could easily host an orgy without ever being found, but what’s the fun in keeping an orgy secret? 1.) Audio visual services: Show your student I.D. and tell the attendant some bullshit French film you want to watch and you’ll be assigned a darkened room to watch it in without the slightest hint of suspicion — of course you’re doing work and not escaping a wizard orgy gone awry! The room can be locked from the inside and it’s one of the most private areas of the entire library — so we’ll leave the rest up to you.
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THE BLACK SHEEP INTERVIEWS
THE CEREMONIES BY: BRENDAN
“We don’t tend to look at [The Ceremonies] as a band, but instead as
Do you have a sibling? Sure you do. Do you fight like two cats in a wet burlap sack? Duh. Well then, you’ll be shocked to know The Ceremonies—Matt, Michael and Mark—are brothers. In a band. And they’re all alive. That is, unless the fourth brother, Mitch, is buried somewhere. The California trio was nice enough to talk to us about their self-titled EP and upcoming tour, coming soon to a large metropolis near you.
The Black Sheep: How long have you three been playing music together? Matthew Cook: We began playing acoustically—not as an official band—at the start of high school. We were doing a lot of cover songs, playing for fun at local charities and gigs. We started playing officially-- as a band-- a couple of years later. TBS: Who proposed turning this into a real project? Matthew: I always had bands growing up, and my brothers Mark and Michael would fill in when we had absent band members. As they were finishing high school I was beginning college, and I had some songs written that I wanted to put together. All of a sudden it occurred to us that we had a band right in front of us, and we had never acted on it. TBS: So who decided the roles within the band? Matthew: Since I write the music, I know who is doing what from the get-go. I’ll think in my head, “Mike can do this, and Mark can do this,” but I also think about who can best do what on stage. We don’t have set parameters with who plays what. TBS: How would you describe yourself as a group? Matthew: Sonically, it’s a conglomeration of 80s Manchester new wave instrumentation and arrangement combined with a 60s traditional vocal harmonies with contemporary feel. That’s how we think of The Ceremonies sonically, but we don’t tend to look at it as a band, but instead as fine art. TBS: What do you mean it’s more fine art? Matthew: We think that the notion of a “band” is pigeonholing—that these are artists who sing and dance, it’s an act. It’s a limiting term. We’re more interested in concepts and carrying those out the best way we can. Music is our primary medium for that, but we definitely spend a lot of time painting and writing poems and making videos. The best comparison we can bring up is the Talking Heads and David Byrne. Stop Making Sense is a performance art piece. They integrate props to get your mind going. TBS: Having aspirations that just aren’t musical, how do you
deal with the business side of this? Matthew: We have control over our decisions. That’s something we really love about our labels, Atom Factory and Capitol, they let us make our decisions. For the most part we have a lot of freedom to carry out ideas as we see fit. TBS: How do you guys define success, then, as musicians? Matthew: The answer to that is changing daily. As artists we hope to affect as many people as we can. We hope to alter someone’s mindset, how to have a more open perspective and how to live more genuinely. Numbers on social media are the main medium bands have to see what their demographic is, so that’s what we look at. TBS: What was your creative approach to your self-titled EP, The Ceremonies? Matthew: The EP started with me writing a bunch of songs throughout high school and college—having these ideas in mind and maintaining this sense of childhood wonderment. I wanted to write music about finding sense of childhood within your inner adult. Then we met our producer Danny Garibay, brought him a bunch of those songs, and increased the production value. We decided which ones to put on the EP, and
put it together. TBS: You noted you’re the primary songwriter, but what does a discussion about creative decisions look like? Matthew: It’s been in the later stages. For example, with “Ballroom Bones” I had the demo recorded, and when we brought it to Danny we ended up adding a whole bunch of parts that became integral parts of the song. There’s a guitar line that became a big part of the song, and we decided on that together. Definitely there’s collaboration, but it happens later on. TBS: But how much change can happen when lyrics are a huge component to the tone of a song? Matthew: For sure, lyrics are important. For us, they’re at least 50% of the song—they hold the meaning. As an artistic collective that doesn’t want to be bound to the notion of just being a band, we hold a lot of our meaning in the song itself, which comes from the word. It’s interesting, though, a lot of people are selective listeners who listen more to the music than the words, and for those people there’s a process that has to be carried out where the atmosphere of the song has to match the lyrics. TBS: What goes into translating this live? Do you aim to have it be close to the studio as you can, or do you want it to sound like the studio? Matthew: I think there are inevitable differences between the live sound and the recording. You have a lot more creative control with recording. We’re not interested in replicating the song on the record as much as we are creating a new experience live. It’s like, every time you read a book, you read it differently. It’s the same book you’re reading, but you paint different imagery in your mind. A song doesn’t have to be all new, but we like to pitch it in a new way. TBS: What’s your stage show like? Matthew: We’re going out on our second tour—this time with Glasvegas—from February to March. It’s not so much us trying to impress the audience as much as it is letting yourself get lost in the music. If you can do that, then the audience will feel like it’s musical theater or something—if you’re into it, the audience will feel it as well. TBS: Then what makes a good show or a bad show? Matthew: I guess just audience reaction. We’re really interested and committed to this idea of performing full-out. I’d rather sing a high note and have my voice crack than be too timid to go for the high note. We’re going for genuine emotion.
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Abroad Student’s Travel Blog Awarded Pulitzer for “International Reporting” BY: BLACK SHEEP STAFF Cited by the 2013-2014 Pulitzer Prize Board for its “unparalleled attention to detail for worldly issues” and an “irrevocably fresh take on experimental journalism that would leave even Hunter S. Thompson’s mind blown,” junior Daniel Colins has received a Pulitzer Prize for his travel blog, “London Calling (for Daniel).” During his four months studying abroad in the UK, Colins’ WordPress-published series of stories tackled important and controversial topics such as commenting on cultural differences between British and American McDonald’s restaurants, economic instability as the US dollar becomes more and more akin to cheap toilet paper, and how things in Europe are just “like, so, so different, you don’t even know.” “Colins is precisely what the world of journalism needed: a wake-up call,” commented Board Chair Paul C. Tash. “I remember stumbling upon his blog when it had just broken its 3-follower landmark, and the size-10 Helvetica stream-of-consciousness narrative reminded me of a young James Joyce. I read Colins’ now-infamous story on how his fish and chips were a little too dry and crispy for his taste, and I just thought, that’s it …he gets it. When no one else was bold enough, he just stepped up to the plate and said it. It was abrasive, and it was the sort of rebellious attitude in reporting that leaves me with a tear in my eye.” Colins’ blog started out as a small personal project when he became dissatisfied with the UK’s Netflix selection. However, once his story “Netflix in England Fucking Sucks” garnered the attention of his mother, the blog caught on like wildfire. Soon, Colins’ audience wasn’t just his mother any-
more, but several of his aunts, uncles, and even his grandmother as well. With comments left by relatives such as, “hey buddy looks like ur havin a blast!!!!!!!!!!” and “so proud!! we luv u and miss u very much baby :),” it was clear that Colins’ readership was hooked. “It really just came down to me, as a writer, struggling with my voice in an eternal struggle that tested both my agency and my consciousness,” remarked Colins in between coughing fits as he took multiple small drags from his cigarette. Once Colins’ mother addressed him in an email as “our little writer,” he began purchasing several packs of cigarettes a day in order to cope with the stress associated with his profession. “It’s just like, you can’t just write about how lame it is that you have to pay to use bathrooms in Europe, hit ‘Publish,’ and just be done. That shit eats away at you and never stops. When I finished my work on ‘A 30 Pence Poop,’ I developed a dependency on sleeping pills.” The Pulitzer Board has also recognized Colins’ for the “Feature Photography” category as well due to his “Pics from abroad” collection as well as selections from his Instagram account. Both collections—featuring blurry duplicates of random buildings, food, selfies, and synchronized group jump photos—left the Board absolutely speechless, with many of the members applauding the 8-megapixel quality and tasteful use of brown, blue, and pink filters to give the photos “that spark of human life you normally lose in a still.” One photo in particular of Colins at a pub drinking his first Guinness giving a “thumbs up” received a standing ovation when reviewed by the Board.
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“It was the perfect balance of counter-culturalism and the forced conformity of modern social constructs,” commented one member. “Colins has flawlessly illustrated the unforgivably difficult of question of what exactly is the state of the contemporary human condition. His ‘thumbs up’ is the single biggest finger to the establishment that has ever been raised so defiantly. Plus, the foam on his Guinness was the perfect amount of froth.” Upon receiving his Pulitzer, Colins was awarded a fellowship from the University of Cambridge in order to begin the next installation of his coverage, reportedly focusing specifically on the realization and aftermath of learning that “Big Ben” actually refers to the clock, not the entire Parliament building. “To put it in layman’s terms, my mind is producing the truth at two-hundred miles per hour, and I’m just trying to catch what I can using these fingers of God-given journalistic integrity that were bestowed upon me,” coughed Colins as he adjusted his sunglasses and took drags from all six cigarettes in his mouth. “I stand to represent the thousands of us travel bloggers out there who couldn’t find their voice. Anyone can say they’re ‘so blessed for these life-changing experiences’…but not everyone can feel it.”
BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: In a relationship
Why do birds fall in love?: They’re bored.
Favorite Drink: Old Manhattan, because I get to light fruit on fire.
What element on the periodic table best describes you, and why?: AM, Americium, because I’m a redneck.
Favorite Shot: I don’t believe in shots, I believe in bourbon. Disgusting Drink: Bud Light What subculture are you secretly infatuated with?: Prison wives. Invent a holiday, what would it celebrate?: Bring Your Dog to Work Day.
What is the last lie you told?: My age… Are you always this insufferable?: I don’t believe in insufferability, I believe in bourbon. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because we should never believe what we’re told.
STAFFORD of Glenn’s Creek es! er, nd Low Pric e B e m Aweso asty Wine, a T
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GUESS THE LOGO
Can you identify all the logos below? Email us at email@example.com. If you’ve identified them all correctly, you’ll win a prize!
the crossword famous ash(ley)s ACROSS: 3) What is Ashton Kutcher’s real first name? 5) Ashley was the most popular girl’s name in the early 90s, but was eventually topped by this name. 6) The only dating service that promotes affairs, Ashley what? 7) The day of the week occuring 46 days before Easter, two words. 9) Ash Ketchum is the protagonist in what video game? 11) If you skin is dry, you say it’s what? 13) Ash tree’s scientific name. 16) The lip-syncing sister of Jessica Simpson. DOWN: 1) Ashley Country is one of many dry counties in this state. 2) Ashley Parker Angel was a member of this 2000s manufactured boy band. 4) ASH is the American Society of
what? 5) The sister’s Ashley, Naomi and Wynonna. 8) Ashley Greene’s Cullen name is the Twilight saga. 10) Not Ashley Olsen, the other one. 12) Ashley Furniture is headquartered in this state. 12) Who plays Ashley Schaeffer on Eastbound & Down? 14) Ashley Tisdale’s character in High School Musical. 15) The Emerald ash borer is what kind of insect?
six degrees of separation
do you know how bradley cooper and gary sinise are connected? send your answers to firstname.lastname@example.org and if youâ€™re right, youâ€™ll win a sweet prize!