The Black Sheep Presents the fun AND games fInals issue
Volume 1, Issue 1 12/6/12 - 12/14/12
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contents page 5: Merry Catsmas for All, And for all a Blue Night!
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? firstname.lastname@example.org
December 25th is the birth of the messiah: UK Basketball.
page 6: from the streets how do you carry on the college lifestyle at home?
page 7: The Word Search Pretty self-explanatory guys, kids from Louisville could figure this one out.
page 8: The Madlib Distract yourself from studying by filling in the _____________!
pages 13: Christmas movies drinking game make your millionth time watching a christmas story a special one.
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word of the week borantine:
The act of locking oneself into a quiet area to force oneself to study for an upcoming exam. "Neil put himself into borantine because he knew Adam and Keith would force him to play beer pong, and he really needed to ace his biology exam."
are you smarter than?
1) United States History: Lee Harvey Oswald assassinated President John F. Kennedy from this Dallas location in 1963.
6) Entertainment: Kurt Russell and Nick Nolte -- among others -- failed to land a role as this iconic science fiction character.
2) Food: The Trinidad Moruga Scorpion is currently the world’s hottest chili. Chili heat is measured in these units.
7) Literature: This author of the acclaimed novel Infinite Jest is beloved by hipsters and academics alike.
3) Geology: These plates’ edges are found at fault lines around the world. What huge pieces of rock make up the Earth’s crust?
8) World Religion: Medina is the second holiest city in the Islam faith. Which city is considered the holiest?
4) Math: Describe the radius, diameter and circumference of a circle.
9) Biology: What is Ribonucleic Acid more commonly known as?
5) Technology: The daguerreotype was the first commercially successful method of this.
10) Current Events: Name the former Director of the CIA that was forced to resign in light of an extramarital affair.
seth’s answers 1) Houston, Texas 2) Pepper used? 3) Tectonic plates 4) Across the circle, the middle to the end of the circle, around the circle
1) Texas School Book Depository 2) Scoville Units 3) Tectonic plates 4) Radius is from a point on the edge of a circle to its center, diameter is the distance across a circle, and circumference is the distance around a circle. 5) Photography 6) Han Solo 7) David Foster Wallace 8) Mecca 9) RNA 10) General David Petraeus
Quiz: What Christmas song are you?
3) It’s snowing! This means: A. St. Nick came! Maybe there are dollars in my shoes! B. Girls will be easily wooed into staying in warmer places. C. You get to bundle up in your cutest winter accessories. D. Death, things are finally dying. 4) People start reminiscing about past Christmases, and now it’s your turn to talk: A. You stare into the eyes of the most attractive mate and say “My favorite Christmas has yet to come.” B. “Last year my significant other and I stayed in and drank wine by the fire. It was so presh.” C. “Any time of year is good when the old man is too drunk to get mad.” D. “I can’t decide what Christmas I like the most! I LOVE THEM ALL!”
7) A group you are involved with decides to do a Secret Santa, you buy: A. Hot cocoa and wine :) B. Nothing, I’m sick and can’t leave my apartment… C. “Leftover” Magnum condoms. D. What’s the dollar limit!? I BUY THE BEST GIFTS! 8) You’re finally home for winter break, the first thing you do is: A. Help mom put up all the decorations! B. Send “I miss you,” texts to my significant other(s). C. Look for porn I might have hid in high school. D. Lay in my bed, reaching for my childhood innocence.
5: A=4 B=3 C=2 D=1 6: A=2 B=4 C=1 D=3
7: A=1 B=2 C=4 D=3 8: A=3 B=1 C=4 D=2
6) What’s your favorite Christmas movie? A. The Nightmare Before Christmas. B. Barbie in a Christmas Carol. C. Love Actually!! D. Uh, It’s A Wonderful Life? Duh.
3: A=3 B=4 C=1 D=2 4: A=4 B=1 C=2 D=3
2) Someone invites you to the third Christmas Party of the weekend, you: A. Prefer to drink whiskey alone during the holidays. B. Say YES! I WISH IT WAS CHRISTMAS ALL THE TIME! C. Would rather have your own party, far away from campus. D. Will go if the guy to girl ratio is heavily in your favor.
5) At what age did you stop believing in Santa/any other winter holiday spirits: A. I believe Santa lives inside us, and comes out through passionate love making. B. NEVERRRRR!!!!!! C. When the old man re-gifted his half pack of cigarettes when I was six. D. I believe the Christmas Spirit lives on through love.
1: A=1 B=2 C=3 D=4 2: A=2 B=3 C= 4 D=1
1) Studying for finals, you listen to: A. None other than our campus radio! The hits! B. My heartbeat and breath. C. Christmas Music!!!!!!! D. I prefer to sit by cute girls and listen to them breathe.
5) A computer 6) Han Solo 7) Robert Frost 8) Morocco 9) RNA 10) Something David?
seth's score: 4/10 correct 0-8 points: “All I Want For Christmas Is You” by Mariah Carey Well aren’t you just a preppy little love bird!? This song revolutionized Christmas by giving people an outright way to say “I want to have sex with you tonight.” So have some wine, wiggle your hips and point at anyone during the chorus, and Santa won’t be the only one coming on Christmas. 9-16 points: “Carol of the Bells” You are very serious. Christmas is nothing more than a signifier of the endless passage of time. Christmas bells, snow, and cold weather only mark another year closer to death. People are out there starving, and here we are, worshiping capitalism and reveling in manufactured cheer. In the winter, we should just sit in front of the fireplace, waiting to die. 17-24 points: “Jingle Bell Rock” You are just the worst. You’re the poster-child for the Christmas season, and everyone cringes at your unwavering enthusiasm this time of year. It looks like a Christmas bomb exploded in your apartment, and you just love having the sisters over to show it off. If the bar isn’t playing Christmas music, you’ll request it and dance your pants off. DANCE GOD DAMMIT IT’S CHRISTMAS BE HAPPY. 25-32 points: “Baby It’s Cold Outside” For some reason, winter and Christmas bring out the creep in you. You are the rapiest of the Christmas songs, and unlike Mariah Carey, utterly fail at sexualizing Christmas. The cold weather just gives you a reason to tell girls their “lips look delicious,” and convince them they’ll catch pneumonia if they go outside. Yes, they’ll be way better off staying in your dank love-dungeon for sure.
The Top ten
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Reasons Finals Will Kill You Finals can kill. It’s a fact. Your future depends on the good grades that you didn’t achieve the first 95% of the semester. It’s your last chance to redeem yourself but a sleepless 96 hours coupled with the anxiety of failing out of school will tear the majority of college students apart. 10.) No study breaks between tests: A finals schedule that has you going from one exam to the next makes transit even more perilous. Be careful when trying to study, cry, and jog at the same time to your next test, you might fall down the stairs or get hit by the Lextran. 9.) Exams in the second half of finals week: Watching your friends struggle through the first half of finals week sure is fun. You get to do a little studying, relax, and watch as everyone’s life crumble around them one exam after the other. Your time will come once Thursday rolls around. It’s the quiet before the shit storm.
Merry CATSmas for All, and for All a Blue Night!
mary wrote this It’s that magical time of year again. That time of year where your shallow consumerism is at its most obvious and the time to wear a striped sweater is at an all time high. That’s right, it’s Christmas time. Between chugging pumpkin spice lattes and researching various door-buster deals, it’s easy to forget the true reason for the season. So curl up in your Santa Snuggie next to an open flame as we regale you the true story of Christmas. December 25 marks the birth of the messiah: University of Kentucky Basketball. Originally founded during the 1910 preseason, the celebration of the Wildcats’ birth was decided to fall on December 25 in order to appeal to the pagans in the area. Also, the color “Kentucky blue” fit nicely with an icy, wintery theme, so it was decided that Christmas would be celebrated during the wintertime. One Christmas Eve, our mascot Scratch decided to sneak into all the houses in Lexington and give all the good little boys and girls of Big Blue Nation gifts. In order to be placed on Scratch’s nice list, boys and girls must have worn Kentucky blue every basketball game, yell the "CATS" cheer loud enough for all to hear, and be able to recite the name and number of each team member. Anyone else was on the naughty list, and received a Tennessee orange turtleneck. No one looks good in Tennessee orange, or turtlenecks. The tradition of Scratch bringing gifts to the youth of Big Blue Nation appealed to nearby areas, and eventually spread throughout the world. These early days of Christmas were simple – they were about coming together with friends and family while cheering on the Cats. Some original Christmas Carols included “Jingle Bells, Cardinals Smell, UK won again” and the classic “Dashing through the snow to get to the UK game, watch out National Championship! We
are on our way.” These carols were originally sung as a way to pass the time during the basketball lotteries. But as the Cats kept winning, and the holiday grew even more popular, Scratch needed help to make sure every good true blue fan would get presents on Christmas morning. Santa, being the die-hard Wildcat fan that he is, offered to step in and help. Eventually the full responsibility of delivering gifts fell on him, as Scratch’s schedule became filled with making appearances and cheering on the Cats at basketball games. Santa was happy to take over fill responsibility, because he knew it was Scratch’s magic cheer that helped the Wildcats win so many games.
8.) Impossible cumulative tests: Professors love making their tests impossible; everyone has had that one asshat that, at the beginning of the semester, declares to the whole class that “No one ever gets 90s.” This same prick is now going to hit you upside the head with a test that covers every piece of information (he didn’t) cover in class. 7.) Multiple tests on the same day: It never seems to fail; 4 final exams, 2 presentations, and a paper all due on the same day. Trying to cram for multiple tests on the same day is like playing in traffic on University Ave.: someone is going to get disemboweled. 6.) Forgot a Scantron: And that professor won’t give you one. Why, you might ask, because fuck you, that’s why. Jump off a bridge, the exam was worth 9,001% of your grade. You’ve studied hard, got your 8 hours of sleep, ate a balanced breakfast, and made it to class on time. Everyone else is too busy trying not to have a panic attack to help you out and your professor has a smirk on his face. Try not to get any blood on your classmates when you impale your face on your pencil. 5.) Being sacrificed: People go crazy and do some weird things during finals week. You might be targeted for a ritual to the exam gods. Watch out for that crazy guy carrying a silver sickle, candles, and a goat’s head. 4.) Overwhelming stress: Finals week brings out the worst in people. Once the realization that you are going to fail every last test hits you, you wont have any hope left. If you’re going out, you’re going to take someone out with you 3.) Liver failure: We’ve trained ourselves to cope with the stress of life by drinking; it’s what we do. Finals week has more stress packed in to 5 days than the rest of the semester combined. Reach for the bottle and take a pull. There’s nothing like upping the odds for liver failure during the busiest week of the school year. 2.) Drug abuse: Aside from caffeine, you’ve opted to use prescription drugs that you picked up from Sketchy Rob. You might know a guy who knows a guy who swears that Ritalin, Adderall, or whatever he takes to ease his ADHD plagued mind, helps him study. What’s wrong with changing your brain chemistry a little bit?
Santa wanted to preserve Scratch’s influence, and therefore wore a blue jumpsuit with white fur trim. His sleigh also had the big “U” and “K” logo on the back. However, after years of U of L fans greeting Santa by throwing coal at his sleigh to try and knock him down (even though he was giving them gifts as well, they’re just kind of dumb there), he had to switch to his notorious red suit in order to blend in better in Louisville. That’s why Santa continues to give all the kids on the naughty list pieces of coal in their stockings, especially since most of the naughty list is made up of Louisville fans. So as many traditions go, they change little by little over time. The initial treat to leave out for Scratch on Christmas Eve was catnip. Today many people leave Santa cookies and milk, but anybody whose anybody knows to leave Santa a Tolly Ho burger with a side of Epic Fries. Don’t forget the bourbon spiked hot chocolate. Now that you know the true history of Christmas, get out there and cheer on the Wildcats. Scratch would be proud to know the tradition he started is still alive.
1.) Caffeine overdose: Finals week is packed with unhealthy choices, and many of us just don’t really care. We’ll pour coffee, energy drinks, and pure cane sugar down our throats until we’ve memorized every last page of our notes. We might make it through the test, but we’ll collapse as we turn in our tests from a combination of diabetes (pronounced: die-uh-bee-tuhs) and an exploded heart.
tbs staff wrote katrina nicholson wrotethis this
From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
how do you carry on you college lifestyle at home? "I really do nothing at home that I do at college. I eat healthy, don't drink, and hang out with family... it's not as much fun." - Sarah P., Freshman
The Black Sheep Guide to: Getting Arrested On Finals Week Leo Weisberger wrote this If you’ve been holed up in your pad hung over as we have for the past semester, then you might have missed the fact that campus has changed quite a bit since syllabus week. The sky’s grown grey, the streets are desolate, and Two Keys Tavern is curiously empty, replaced by Willy T. as the hot new hangout for Tuesday nights. This can only mean, of course, that finals week has at last blighted UK’s campus that miserable week where Starbucks lines reach insane proportions, kids tear up their dorms scrambling to find crumpled-up syllabi, and casual amphetamine abuse suddenly becomes socially acceptable. So here you are, unready and ill-prepared to face these soul-crushing examinations. And certainly you can fall in line with your peers - you can buck up, slouch off to the library, cram a semester’s worth of philosophical bullshit or mathematic wizardry into a few all-nighters, and proudly show your parents the D+ that’s supposed to justify the thousands of dollars of student debt you’re carelessly racking up. Enticing, right? Psh, of course not. That's why we at The Black Sheep say f*ck it. Let loose! Go wild! Rage against the tyranny that keeps your head in a textbook, keeping you from exercising your 20-something birthright to get hammered and blow school off. You’re paying tons of money you don’t have just to be here -- why not just go ahead end your lackluster semester in a drunken blaze of glory, skipping out on class and getting yourself arrested? Let's be honest -- you're a self-styled badass, Johnny Law can’t keep you down and handcuffs don't hurt quite as bad as essay hand-cramps. And should you opt to spend this week sitting in the back of a cop car rather than a desk in White Hall, let your friends at The Black Sheep help steer you towards the best ways to get arrested during finals week. Back in your freshman year you were probably told that moronic story of how students allegedly rub James Patterson’s left copper foot for good luck during exams. Like wearing your free lanyard, this practice is generally reserved for those with a burning need to showcase their freshman naivety. But you don’t need luck. When you flunk out, you flunk out with confidence. Instead, why not show that crotchety old man you don’t need him by pissing on that precious shoe of his? Throw your empty beer at his cold, dead eyes as you shake twice and zip-up right before campus security nabs you for indecent exposure. For good measure, bong another brew and go streaking through the Bradley Hall quad -tradition holds that you’ll flunk finals if you pass through the courtyard, but then traditionally tuition wasn’t always seven motherlovin’ grand a semester. Speaking of money, there are more lucrative ways to get arrested
during finals week. Enterprising young criminals should take advantage of the crazed finals week drug frenzy that turns your bum roommate into the Al Pacino kingpin of your floor, just because he’s got the Adderall hook-up. Pushing pills might not be what society considers a reputable career, but for one week you can reign supreme as the most popular guy on campus as desperate slackers and would-be honor students blow up your phone, all clamoring to front you cash. Turns out Kentucky kids just can’t get enough of the drug -- it’s so popular here that we got Katie Couric to do a special on us and our little study-buddy. But just a careful word to those aspiring Pablo Escobars hanging around K-Tower - Adderall is still a Schedule II controlled substance, and possession charges tend to linger long after the a night in county jail.
"I bring my books home with me and work on homework. I also visit other colleges close to my house... being at college is way better than living at home!!!" - Abby S., Freshman
Then again, maybe petty crime and drunken hijinks just don’t cut it for you. Maybe you want a bit more ambition, more thought, with your clash with the law. You’re a thinking man. A man of action! A man of the people! You don’t just want to duck out of finals week -- you want to tear down the whole damn system! You want to start a riot. Perfect! But how do you reach out to those blind, ignorant slaves you once shared class with? A quick strategic scan of central campus reveals your answer: there’s a roof access ladder on the north-facing side of Lafferty Hall. Climb it. Grease the handles as you ascent to your soapbox. Make your way to the front edifice. A perfect view of central campus -- The Classroom Building, the Engineering Annex, the Fine Arts Library -- all ready to be electrified with your call to rebellion. Bullhorn? Check. Prepared speech? Nope. You’re a slacker - that’s why you’re skipping out on finals anyway. Wing it. Time-check. 11:55 a.m.? Perfect. Bells toll. You see the poor, huddled masses begin to pour out from cold, lifeless buildings. It’s go time. What riveting words of revolution can you offer your comrades? Our guess is that it hardly matters - as last year’s NCAA tournament/street riot demonstrated, UK students don’t need much prompting take to the streets and go bat-shit insane. And though your revolution will invariably end with a baton to the face and an expulsion hearing, you can be carried away knowing that you’ll go down in history as the Che Guevara of Fayette County. Or at least maybe become a brief t-shirt fad. However you choose to get arrested, The Black Sheep encourages you to seize the moment and stick it to the man with all the power, enthusiasm, and zeal that you totally should have put into your classes in the first place. After all, it’s your last hurrah of the year - you might as well make it count!
"I put the team on my back and don't let the fun times end even though I'm off campus." - Luke S., Sophomore
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The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT
Sunday Funday! $1.50 Rolling Rocks $6.50 pitchers
Everyday! Happy Hour 3-7PM: $2 Wells and Domestics
THURSDAY! Ladies Night! Half-off Entire Tab for Ladies (48pm) 2 for 1 Wells All Night
Happy Hour Mon-Sat 2-7PM!
TUESDAY! $1.00 Two Keys $2.00 Tuesday! Goldfish Racing & DJ Rain $2.00 Well Drinks & Pints
Thirsty Thursday! Happy Hour prices all night long!
Everyday! Happy Hour 3-7PM: $2 Wells and Domestics 2-4-1 Tuesdays, Live Irish Music!
Ladies Night! Half-off Entire Tab for Ladies (4-8pm) 2 for 1 Wells All Night
Happy Hour 2-7pm 2-4-1 10pm-1am with Live Music!
$10.00 Punch Out DJ Prof
Fireball Friday! $4 Fireball Shots
Everyday! Happy Hour 3-7PM: $2 Wells and Domestics
$3 PBR Tall Boys, $2 Tequila Shots
Happy Hour 2-7 Live Music
$4 Smirnoff Flavor Cocktails No Cover
Say it ain’t so Saturdays! $3.50 Bacardi Drinks $5 Bacardi Bombs Live Team Trivia at 8pm
Everyday! Happy Hour 3-7PM: $2 Wells and Domestics
Catch all the Cats Games Here!
Happy Hour 2-7pm! $6 Pitchers of Bud 12-6pm, Live Music
$2.50 22oz. PBR Tallboys No Cover
Sunday Funday! $1.50 Rolling Rocks $6.50 pitchers
Everyday! Happy Hour 3-7PM: $2 Wells and Domestics $6 Domestic Pitchers
$2 Domestic Drafts, $6 Domestic Pitchers, $4 Jameson
Closed Except for Events (Twitter Party, Graduation, Etc.)
$1.00 Two Keys Lagers NFL ticket, 23 HD TV's No cover
Martini Monday! $3 Martinis & $2 Drafts Live Team Trivia at 7pm
Everyday! Happy Hour 3-7PM: $2 Wells and Domestics
$2 Domestic Bottles, $4 Fire Ball Shots, $5 L.I.T's
Happy Hour 2-7pm $1.50 Bud, Bud Light, Ultra, $2 Imports and $10 All You Can Eat Wings Starting at 7pm, $1 Can Beers at 10pm
$1.00 Two Key Lager Pints & $1.00 Well Drinks No Cover
Tuesday Boozeday Double wells for price of a single! Karaoke at 10pm!
Everyday! Happy Hour 3-7PM: $2 Wells and Domestics 2-4-1 Tuesdays
Closed Except for Cats Games
Happy Hour 2-7pm: Half Off Nachos Live Trivia, $2 Domestics, $4 Wells, $5 Bombs at 7pm
$1.00 Two Keys $2.00 Tuesday! Goldfish Racing & DJ Rain $2.00 Well Drinks & Pints
“Win”sday 2 for 1 Wine, $6.50 Pitchers 1/2 OFF Your total tab for anyone in the service industry! 10 PM til close
Everyday! Happy Hour 3-7PM: $2 Wells and Domestics $5 Car Bombs
Closed Except for Cats Games
Happy Hour 2-7pm $5 Pitchers, $6 Quesadillas at 7pm
$5.00 Domestic Pints No Cover
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the madlib So I was just minding my business the night before Christmas Eve, sneaking a ___1___ or five in my parent's ___2___, watching ___3___ for the ___4___ time, my God, it doesn't get old! Anyway, I went upstairs to grab some more ___5___ because hey, I'm starting my diet January 1. And I couldn't believe my eyes. There he was, that ___6___ effing beast of a man, Santa Claus. At first I thought it was all the ___7___ I had consumed clouding my vision, because at this point I've had enough to make a ___8___ ___9___ enough to bang a ___10___. But it got much worse. My ___11___ of a mother was sitting on his lap, wearing only ___12___ and ___13___, with ___14___ wrapped around her. She was feeding him ___15___ and they were watching ___16___. Then he started kissing her ___17___ and I was so stunned I dropped my snack and, suddenly, they turned around. My mother stayed strong. "Oh, hi!" Santa beamed and said "Hello, there! HO HO HO!"
i saw mommy kissing santa claus
I felt like a pound of ___18___ had just passed through me; my butt tingled and I got nervous. "Whatâ€Ś where's dad?" Santa quickly answered, "Oh, we shipped him to ___19___ to help make ___20___ for all of my deliveries!" I ran over to Santa and grabbed his ___21___, chugged it, threw the glass against the ___22___ and then ___23___ Santa in the face. His cheeks got rosy, but he did not get mad. "I love your mother, and you're going to have to accept that." Santa then got down on one knee, and fumbled through his pockets to find a ___24___-encrusted ring, the size of a ___25___ and it glistened like it was in a ___26___ commercial. My mom shrieked, cried, and brought his jolly ole' beard in close to give a sloppy ___27___ Well, at least I know I'll always be getting sweet presents for Christmas.
1) Alcoholic beverage 2) room in a house 3) popular christmas movie 4) huge number 5) holiday snack 6) synonym for "fat" 7) beverage from #1 8) large wild animal 9) slang for "drunk" 10) small house pet 11) negative slang for "woman" 12) outdoor clothing 13) type of shoes
14) holiday decoration 15) holiday dessert 16) bad nic cage movie 17) body part 18) dense food 19) foreign country 20) trendy technology item 21) liquor drink 22) piece of furniture 23) type of punch 24) unusual jewel 25) summer fruit 26) high-end brand 27) slang for "kiss"
s ' n o s k c a J e l c n
U y z a r C
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Hi there, it’s your favorite crazy uncle here, Andrew Jackson! When I’m not busy being the long-dead seventh President of the United States, I’m all about saving college students some money. Why, in my day those crazy college kids, they where the best—they’d rub a piss-soaked sheepskin in a Scotsman’s face and call it a Tuesday! Now, you’re getting ahead of yourself ole’ Andrew, you’re on the $20, and that’s ‘bout all kids got to spend on gifts this holidee season, so what can ya’ll kids get, and for whom?
for the very virginal Wallflower, shy guy, “Hey, isn’t that the guy who had his face mangled by a rabid squirrel?”, whatever he’s called, it’s all shorthand for, “This dude has certainly never felt the carnal pleasures of a woman.” He knows it, you know it, and he knows you know it. This holiday season give him some pep in his step by providing him a gift pack that screams, “Please stop making it difficult to discuss sex in front of you and just go get laid already.”
• 1 Pint of shitty vodka ($4): When he finally gets to pop that cherry, he’s not going to want to remember any of it. • 1 Trojan Pleasures Extended 3-pack ($5): Even Old Faithful blushes when he erupts too early. • 1 Pocket Kama Sutra ($6): Yes, page one has the missionary position on it. • 1 4gb MircoSD Card ($4): He needs to learn from his mistakes, of which there will be many, so he needs something to store the play-by-play data.
for the mother hen Sure, she’s only a sophomore, but before the girls head out she lines them up by height for a quick headcount, lest someone try to escape her Sauronesque glare later in the evening. If a girl talks to a guy for more than fifteen minutes she intervenes, letting him know that “his future rape victim” is taken. She thinks that if one gal deviates from the evening’s plans no one will have any fun, especially her. • 1 Magnacraft 10x25 pair of binoculars ($10): With eagleeye vision, she’ll be able to protect other groups of girls
from any college campus’ number one danger: Having fun. • 1 Leash ($6): Like any bunch of bitches, these girls need to be kept close. • 1 Whistle bracelet ($2): As the sex referee, she needs to decide if Trina needs to spend two minutes in the penalty box for letting Mark spend a few minutes in her love box. • 1 Appointment book ($2): If Kathy isn’t outside of the club by 11:20 so we can hit the club next door by 11:30, she’s totally out of the group… which is exactly what Kathy wants.
for the brokest of bros He’d be the life of the party if he could ever afford to attend one. Instead, when he does scrape a few bucks together he nabs a handle of the cheapest vodka he can find and watches his one DVD, a stolen copy of Pocahontas, by himself. Hobos are giving this dude change. • 1 Maruchan Top Ramen Chicken 6-pack ($1.50): He may say he’s so thin because it makes the ladies love him, but you see the way he eyes your nuggets like a feral dog. Dude’s starving. • 1 12oz bottle of Sriracha
sauce ($3): Everything he eats may taste like shit, but there are ways to mask gross flavors, ask any sorostitute who’s used flavored condoms. • 2 Months of NetFlix streaming ($9): The first month may be free, but the second month, in the lonely, cold dregs of February, will allow him to cozy up to the warmth of Ron Swanson’s fiery moustache. • 1 Charmin Ultra Soft 4-pack ($6): Crap goes in, crap comes out, angrily. Might as well have the fluffiest bouncers imaginable guarding the exit, making sure everyone leaves in an orderly fashion.
for the rowdy roommate The first time Kevin punched a hole in the wall was funny. The second time it was irritating. When he lit the carpet on fire and then peed it out, you finally lost it. Maybe you haven’t spoke to him since September, but a holiday gift basket would be the backhanded holiday season gesture to rekindle that fire. No, not the one on the carpet. • 1 Dap spackling kit, 1/2 pint ($6): Nothing quite says, “I love you, but I also secretly hate you, so you better fix this shit immedi-
ately” like spackle for the holidays. • 1 Great Neck 1-inch putty knife ($6): The edges aren’t sharp, so he won’t be able to stab you, accidentally or not. • 1 Woolite Pet Stain & Odor Remover 22oz bottle ($4): It uses the spray and cleans the carpet, or its remains end up in a tar pit. • 1 Korky Plunger ($4): Finally, no excuse for him to say, “Dude, you’ll have to shit outside, sorry, I clogged the toilet yacking this morning.”
for the super study buddy If she wouldn’t have lent you her notes for every exam, quiz, paper, recitation, essay, response, presentation, lab, practical and speech that evil teacher in your should-be-easy elective assigned, you’d be jerking off lion tamers in tht circus for spare coins right now. You may not like her, but you need her. How does one say, “Same time next semester?” without coming off like a selfish prick? • 1 Starbucks gift card ($5): She’ll need a latte to stay up late if she’s going to finish that chemistry lab write-up for you
by morning. • 1 Study Smart, Study Less: Earn Higher Grades and Better Test Scores ($8): If Rachel doesn’t study harder, how are you going to stay in school AND go out every Wednesday night? • 1 Post-it tags ($4): She needs to bookmark the important pages, so you can know which pages are important. • 1 Funky Star sticker roll ($3): Don’t give these to the study buddy all at once. Keep them, and use them as a motivational tool, putting one (with a clever message) on each pack of notes you return to her.
for the hometown homeboy Mary’s nice. She’s funny, she’s smart, she does well with men, hell, she even called you on your birthday -- an actual phone call! Still, she chose to live with her parents and attend community college, and you want to make sure he knows what you think of her poor life choices. Sadly, those pictures of a football player sucking on ya titties make you look fat, so something else will have to do. • 1 Soda Can Stash ($8): No matter the vice, a parent will find it. Unless, of course, it’s hidden in a fake soda can. • 4 Random shirts from the local Goodwill ($4): When she’s
forced to unironically sport a “Beaumont Football, 2A State Champions Class of 1989” tshirt as her local sport high water mark, she’ll feel the pangs of sadness not rooting for bigconference sports brings. • 1 Cigarette Hitter Rod ($5): When she takes a job on the third shift at the local taco shell plant she’ll need to mask her bad habit with another legal, deadlier one. • 1 Community college bumper sticker ($3): When she realizes she’s too embarrassed to pop this on her Ford Focus, she’ll have to reevaluate her life decisions. Score, social strata superiority.
HOLIDAY ENTERTAINMENT MATRIX blowin’ up
Les Miserables WIZ KHALIFA - O.N.I.F.C.
KESHA - WARRIOR
Bruno Mars Unorthodox Jukebox
cool Big boi - vicious lies and dangerous rumors
GUARDIANS OF MIDDLE EARTH GUILT TRIP
JaCK REACHER ANGELS AND AIRWAVES STOMPING THE PHANTOM BRAKE PEDAL
the CHRISTMAS MOVIES DRINKING GAME
A Christmas Story
Take a drink any time a scene features hilarious head trauma. Take a drink when anyone says, “Uhh, he should be dead, right?” Take a drink when you notice product placement. Take a drink for “KEVIN!” Take two drinks when someone crashes into the McCallister lawn jockey. Take two drinks for every Old Man Marley sighting. Take two drinks when Kevin talks to himself and/or breaks the fourth wall. Chug your drink during “Carol of the Bells.”
Take a drink for every mention of a Red Rider BB Gun. Take a drink when Ralphie daydreams. Take a drink when Mom serves food. Take a drink when someone says “you’ll shoot your eye out.” Take a drink when Randy whines or cries. Take two drinks when the neighbor’s dogs piss off Mr. Parker. Take two drinks for every Wizard of Oz reference. Chug your drink during the Chinese renditions of “Deck the Halls,” and “Jingle Bells.”
Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer
Take a drink when someone says “Rudolph.” Take a drink when Rudolph’s nose lights up. Keep drinking for the duration of Rudolph’s lit nose. Take a drink every time that smug snowman interrupts the story. Take two drinks when a new Christmas character is introduced. Take two drinks at every Abominable Snowman sighting. Take three drinks in honor of the Island of Misfit Toys. Chug your drink when Rudolph flies.
Take a drink when the Naughty or Nice List is referenced. Take a drink when someone mentions Christmas Spirit. Take a drink when Buddy sings. Take a drink when Buddy eats something he is not supposed to. Take a drink when Maple syrup is shown or mentioned. Take a drink when Buddy tells anyone he loves them. Take two drinks when Buddy says “cotton-headed ninny muggins.” Chug your drink when Mr. Narwhal pops up.
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation Take a drink when Clark endangers himself or others in pursuit of the ultimate Christmas. Take a drink when something goes wrong. Take a drink when a calendar door is opened. Take a drink when Clark messes with the neighbors, either by accident or on purpose. Take a drink when any animal or person messes with the Griswold Christmas tree. Take two drinks when Clark is irritated by Cousin Eddie. Take two drinks when Clark’s bonus is referenced in conversation. Finish your drink for every family lesson learned/attempted.
The Muppet Christmas Carol Take a drink when Gonzo and Rizzo get into an argument. Take a drink when a bell rings or a clock tolls. Take a drink for each Muppet you name incorrectly. Take a drink when someone says “humbug,” “Ebenezer,” or “Scrooge.” Take a drink when Michael Caine gets teary-eyed. Take two drinks for each new ghost. Take two drinks when Jacob and Robert Marley laugh at their own jokes. Finish your drink when they sing “The Love We Found.”
the seek n find
The Black Sheep's Millennial Nativity: Can you find all ten contemporary idols in this nativity scene? If St. Jar Jar answers your prayers, send in your answers to firstname.lastname@example.org and we'll send you some sweet swag!
real talk with mizz kuh: your love life in 2013 Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 20) Everything happens for a reason. Remember how upset you were about that required class you had to take at 8a.m.? Well say hello an afternoon delight-worthy Gemini who suddenly makes seeing the sunrise a beautiful thing. Bonus: Free rides home on Tuesdays and Thursdays! But be careful, because you still have to wake up stupid early to go to the damn thing. Taurus (April 21 - May 21) Bad things come to those who wait. The cafeteria cutie smiles at you when you order extra cheese on Taco Tuesdays, but it only leads to being hella gassy later. When new employees roll in come late February, you’re suddenly more interested in Sundae Sundays. Bonus: Your calcium intake won’t change at all! But be careful, because ice cream when you’re hungover is a terrible idea. Gemini (May 22 - June 21) Idle hands are the Devil’s playground, and we all know how much you love spending time with that asshole. If you ever opened your fluttery eyes, you’d notice how many people don’t hang out in playgrounds. Try opening a book in February, even if it’s only your MacBook in a very public coffee shop. Bonus: You may just find the thick-rimmed-glasses hottie you’ve always wanted! But be careful, because coffee will stain your pretty white teeth.
Cancer (June 22 - July 22) If you give an inch, they take a mile. Sure, you just really want to make out with the hottie down the hall, but that doesn’t mean they should drink your handle dry. For God sakes grow some balls, stop supplying booze for the mooch (a, what, psycho Aries?) and start seeing your real friends again. Bonus: More money in your pocket and less pathetic phone calls to the parents! But be careful, because hottie down the hall still has your sweet bong, better get that back, chief.
Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) A picture is worth a thousand words, which explains why you do more staring at hotties than actual interaction with them. We know it’s scary to get rejected, but it’s scary sitting alone with a bottle of wine every night, too. Rekindle with an alwayshad-a-crush-on friend around the holidays, because a New Year’s kiss will start 2013 out just right. Bonus: You’ll have a drinking buddy! But be careful, because sloptastic kisses don’t leave good impressions.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) The meek might inherit the Earth, but you will rule the shit out of it until then. Roaring your way into every bar in town is fulfilling, but it’s a bit overwhelming at times because drunks just can’t help but drool over you. Grace one person’s presence and stick with them around the holidays. Bonus: Someone to get freak-ay with all the time! But be careful, because you might just get bored by next weekend’s bedtime.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21) They say you should do one thing every day that scares you, and you can only take that one way. You’d rather find an interesting place on campus to get a little sexy with than just about anything else. Look out for a cutie towards the beginning of spring, an empty dressing room, and then a place with cheap beer. Bonus: You’ll finally start accomplishing that bucket list! But be careful, because you don’t want to get banned from your favorite clothing store.
Virgo (August 23 - Sept. 22) Drunk words are sober thoughts and by God you need to shut your Twitter. Have you even seen your drunken tweets? Circa Saturday at 3:23 a.m.? “once you go black you gettt shots and joints heyyyyyyyyyy.” While Twitter has a delete function, your ethnic friends’ memories do not, you racist. Bonus: Never hurts to date a stoner! But be careful, because you’re suddenly listening to way more Sublime than you ever thought.
Meet The Staff campus manager William J. Smith
campus director Quinn Myers
Advertising Manager David Smith
owner Atish Doshi
Writers Leo J. Weisberger Mary Venuto Nicole Eliza
Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers
distribution manager You? You! Social media manager Olivia McCoy
Questions? email@example.com Advertising? firstname.lastname@example.org
Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. So you got your heart broken right as the school year started, and it’s been a tough time gettin’ back on your feet. Keep your eye out around the holiday’s for a particularly caring cutie who will appreciate your newfound strength. Bonus: This may just be the person who loves egg nog as much as you do. But be careful, because rushing into anything too quick will make you queasy.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. The problem is, you could give a fuck. It’s good to speak your mind but, just like Instagram, a good filter can really work wonders. Find a kind Pisces (who you’ll want to use that filter around) and a place to talk less, like the movies. Bonus: We heard Lincoln was awesome! But be careful, because shedding a tear on the first date might be a little too emotional. Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) You’re only as good as the company you keep, and you’ve been doing some appropriate cleaning up. Great job, but now you have to find new peeps who won’t screw you over. We’ve got a feeling a co-worker around springtime will be just the person to get you back on your feet. Bonus: Spring cleaning means you’ll finally get those pipes cleaned out! But be careful, because relationship drama at work is only fun for about three hours. Pisces (Feb. 20 - Mar. 20) If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. Just like when you lent your favorite lighter to the cute Cancer you met at the bar, you know that if everything really does happen for a reason, you’ll see them again and get that Bic back. Stop daydreaming for one minute, think about the people that really matter, and go get ‘em. Bonus: Maybe losing your lighter will finally cut your smoking habit! But be careful, because getting into a habit of bumming cigs is just rude.
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