The Black Sheep
FR EE . ep .. lik ic vid e yo eo u a ga re me du se rin ss g a io n. n
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 1, Issue 13 • 4/11/13 - 4/17/13
springtime romance: thanks, but no thanks mary venuto wrote this
The birds are doing it. The bees are doing it. Even squirrels, feral cats, and your roommates are getting some action. Crisp, blue skies and gentle, caressing breezes are drawing out more than family picnickers. Spring has long been associated with love, affection, and getting it on. Even worse, this pleasant weather gives couples reason to take their displays of affection to the public arena. Brace yourselves all single ladies and gentlemen -- the paralyzing fear of being forever alone will crash on you every instance you catch two people sucking face outside of White Hall. And they’ll be putting on a show for you, all right. Every one of these forever-alone stories begins the same way. You step outside of your door and think to yourself “Wow, what a wonderful day.” You maybe even jaunt on down to class with some extra pep in your step. But then, in the middle of enjoying the beautiful singsong of the birds on campus, you see a disgustingly cute couple holding hands. How precious; just like middle school. For a minute you critically consider starting an impromptu game of Red Rover, but ultimately decide against it. When you arrive to your class you decide to sit in the back of the room and sink back in your chair. Welcome to the club, loner. The pity party begins. Your initial response will be “Who wants to be in a relationship anyway?” And keep at that thought, there’s no use in accepting that it’s all a futile attempt to make yourself feel better about your recent browser history. Regular sex is a thing of the past for the average Joe ever since Xbox and the Internet porn industry took off. Besides… think of all of the perks that come with not being tied down. Not having a significant other means you get to drink and gamble as much as you want at Keeneland. Nor will anyone nag at you for the sunburn you’ll acquire from drinking under the sun all day. The only things you’ll wake up to tomorrow are a hangover… and your goddamn free will. Unconditional love and acceptance is so overrated. Right, guys? Oh, all right. Being in love is the tits. You get all the tinglywinglies in your stomach and no-no area. Having someone to text dirty things to makes class just fly by. There’s also just something to be said about sporting a hickey the size of a quarter on your neck. Trashy? Maybe. But the at least the whole class knows that you’re getting some action. Hell, the world is a better place
No Escape: The Crazy People From Your Dorm Meeting them is inevitable, so prepare yourself for when it happens.
when you feel like you belong somewhere with someone. Maybe we shouldn’t give overly affectionate couples such a hard time. After all, jealousy is the ugliest trait. Also a “cardinal sin.” (we looked it up). …just kidding. Our sight isn’t blurred by love’s rose-colored glasses. When you’re part of a couple you got ninety-nine problems and your relationship is all of them. The tingly-winglies come
with a cost: your dignity. Having to apologize to your significant other for not being able to talk on the phone when you’re out with your friends is a pitiful sight. And the only thing worse than the public displays of affection is the public displays of aggression. So next time you have to bear witness to a couple’s consummation just remember that most marriages end up in divorce court. In reality, being single is the best thing for your sorry ass right now.
Ugly Trends Virus
The Thirst: A Friendly PSA
Just because they're selling it doesn't mean you have to buy it!
'Desperate stalker' isn't a good look for, well, anyone.
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? firstname.lastname@example.org
page 3: A few Thoughts: How to Enjoy (or ruin) Your Sumer Vacation
the choice is yours, but consider our advice!
page 3: Star Wars: The Golden Years
walkers and canes... the return of this series should be interesting.
page 4: from the streets
What's the First Thing You're Going To Do After Your Last Exam?
page 5: The Top 10: Trivia That Could Save Your Life
Avoiding the lion's mane jellyfish could save your life, too.
page 9: Getting To Know Your Bartender
Bartenders are heroes, see what they're all about
page 11: Bartender of the week
Graige F. From Lexington Beer Works shares his thoughts on life.
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a few thoughts: How to Enjoy (or Ruin) Your Sumer Vacation Lord Sir G. Jordan Johnson wrote this The end of the semester is fast approaching and we couldn’t be more thrilled. The burdens of class, assignments, and other school-related obligations will soon cease just in time to enjoy another summer beneath beautiful Kentucky skies. Now, we’re big fans of Kentucky, but we’re going to suggest a slightly different alternative to the classic Kentucky summer -- get the hell away, and do it fast. Sure, summer is great regardless of where you spend it: Kentucky, Hilton Head Island, your grandmother’s garden lot in Brooklyn, the south of France riding dad’s credit card, or slaving away at that awful internship you now regret accepting. Summer is summer and the warm, leisurefilled Saturdays make it agreeable anywhere. Wrong. But why settle for familiar? We recommend you take the first exit and go rage somewhere. Here’s how: Before you load up the car and take off, a general sense of destination is in order. Normally, we force The Black Sheep chauffeurs to take us as far south as possible, but we’re usually so inebriated by the time we get to Tennessee that we end up westward of our destination. Last year it was El Paso; we’re not proud of the happenings, but let our mishaps be your fortunes! Pick a destination and get there, somehow. Worry about the rest later. Statistics we made up show that 90% of the time, everything turns out okay. When you get to where you think you’re going or end up somewhere close, it’s critical that you drink yourself into a Lindsay Lohan-style stupor as soon as possible. We normally max out our expense accounts on 8 mini-bottles from the airline, so we’re nice and lubed up before we even touch the ground. The benefit of being drunk before you even arrive is the lack of concern you’ll have for anything else that happens. Summer
vacations are meant for leisure and disregard for stress; get wasted and put those life responsibilities to rest. Dads have been doing it for centuries and our statistics show it works 100.3% of the time. Once you’re legally past the limit assemble your crew and make a B-line for the closest burger joint. You’re going to need to consume 1-3lbs of protein and carbohydrate rich foods in order to avoid a costly visit to the emergency room for alcohol poisoning. Spend 20-30 minutes deciding where to eat and whose expense account can afford the damage. Ensure that your server hates you at first sight and you’ll receive priority service over other patrons. Stumbling around the table and fumbling miserably to pull out a chair will cue the staff that you’re Hasselhoff-drunk, winning you priority attention from the wait staff. They’ll despise you before you even order drinks, and you’ll for sure get some choice bellybutton lint in your fries, but you’ll be in and out with a full stomach before anyone else. At this point you’ve got two options: let the protein start absorbing the alcohol and put you into a trifecta food-booze-exhaustion coma, or continue to be awesome. At The Black Sheep, our vacation on-goings range from harassing other college students at bars to joining the seedy underbelly of our destination in the search of dangerous wager and betting opportunities. Our editor Quinn once wagered a Bulgarian mobster to a footrace—in Moon Shoes—and won, leaving with 15 egg-laying hens. An hour before that we were eggless and bailing him out of a dubious Bonsai tree scheme. Play it by ear and let chance take the reigns. You’re on vacation and vacations permit you to deny reality. After you’ve punished your liver and consumed three to ten times your normal amount of food, make the rest of your stay low-key. You’ll need 24-48 hours minimum to recuperate from your initial zeal, so depend
Star Wars: The Golden Years tbs staff wrote this
on room service to nurse you back to life. Once you can pass a thought through your brain without risking an aneurism, open the blinds a little and let some sunlight back into your life. Your serotonin levels have experienced some manic highs and lows, so it’s important to keep your spirits up. Otherwise, you’ll be a whiney sap the rest of your stay. And no one wants to deal with a moping sack of emotions. Despite how the rest of your stay goes, your ultimate goal has been met -- you got out of Kentucky for some R&R and even if it isn’t for the entire summer, you still did it. Getting away for any amount of time is welcome when you spend most of March and April wondering when the fuck the warm weather will arrive. Kentucky is awful like that. For the future, we’re working on a proposal to have Senator McConnell relocate Kentucky off the coast of Florida, but until we can manage that feat, you’re on your own. Find a destination, a means to get there, and get to embarrassing yourself. It’s almost summer, kids. Hallelujah.
“Long ago, in a nursing home far, far away…” By now, you’ve heard of the new Star Wars sequel coming out in 2015. What better way to commemorate college graduation than to watch yet another Star Wars film? The catch with this one, however, is that almost all the original cast from the original trilogy will be starring. Good thing that Obi-Wan died in A New Hope… George Lucas may be able to revive a dead franchise, but he can’t raise a dead Alec Guinness. And this would be a momentous occasion except for one issue: everybody is really, really, really old. We don’t know how canonical this movie is supposed to be, but the next story in the saga only takes place five years after Return of the Jedi. How much are they skipping to wait thirty years for a sequel? And how much are they fudging? Inwardly, we are excited about this sequel, but how convincing the cast can play their old roles? We can see it now: Han So-Old, Luke Needs-a-Skywalker, Leia the Hutt (after Carrie Fisher’s tragic lapse into the dark side of cheeseburgers and fast food), and a guest appearance by Darth Osteoporosis will be a few of the favorites riddling the silver screen. Sadly, Chewbacca did not make it; the meteoric rise and fall of this furry star ended up in depression, substance abuse and parttime work as our living room carpet. Hmm… shagtastic. We have to wonder what the title of this film will be. We have some ideas, but J.J. Abrams never calls us back. Maybe something along the lines of Star Wars Episode VII: The Metamucil Strikes
Back. What about Episode VII: A New Bowel Movement? Return of the Aching Backs? We don’t understand it. These are amazing titles. He’s going to regret not soliciting of our genius. Given the millions of dollars they’re going to spend on this potential flop, there’s the obvious guarantee of merchandise production. A new line of action figures? Consider us sold. Lando Calrissian: now with new hip replacement! Han Solo: with carbonite chamber for cryogenic preservation! Leia Solo: now with a year’s supply of Jenny Craig! Luke Skywalker: complete with Lightsaber cane!” There will be t-shirts, mugs, toy blasters, and of course Legos. But at least if they make a Lego Star Wars videogame for this film the Lego renditions will be a little more accurate: short, stiff and yellowed with age. Of course, we have to give props to Harrison Ford. He’s the oldest cast member, yet he looks the best out of all of them. Such is the prize of being a sex symbol throughout the years. Plus we’ve read that he’s “been waiting for a sequel for thirty years.” It’s not particularly clear to us why, but god bless him for it. The resurrection of the already-questionablyrevived franchise is clearly guided by the “How can this NOT make money” principle. But then again, the profit motive has been a pretty consistent theme throughout the Star Wars universe (if this is in dispute, please reference 1978’s masterpiece The Star Wars Holiday Special). Nonetheless Star Wars fans will be flocking to see the next instalment in the grand saga. For our part, we hope that Obi-Wan, Yoda, and Anakin will be watching over this production. May the Force be with them… because they’ll need it.
From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What's the first thing you're going to do after your last exam? "Go to Tin Roof and unwind!" - Kendra J., Junior
The Crazy People from Your Dorm
"Scream and burn all my notes!" - Melissa B., Sophomore
Neal Querio wrote this Monday night. You’re just chilling in your dorm room typing away on that like-totally-important paper you’ve got due tomorrow. You decide to maybe take a stroll around the building to clear your head, or at least find a little distraction with your friends. And the stroll goes just fine, you hit the water fountain, pass the vending machine, and back to the room. But turn the corner to head back to your hallway… and then he strikes.
new thing in their dorm room while you’re clearly fidgeting and late for class? Some might even follow you into the bathroom. Use your gut, conversations normally unfold in three steps: they start, they go on for a bit, then they end. If your new friend doesn’t seem to have a grasp on that crucial third step, or a healthy respect for personal space while engaging in said conversation, you may have found yourself trapped in an attack.
Just like that, you’ve been accosted by the Dorm Creeper.
These Creepers have the uncanny ability to track you down... no matter where you are. White Hall? Willy T? Student Center? They’re already there as you read…lurking…waiting…eager to trick you into making plans with them. But note that the Dorm Creeper isn’t a stalker. Stalkers work meticulously to map out your every day whereabouts. The Dorm Creeper, on the other hand, simply relies on their inner Spidey-senses to accost you.
You were unwise to leave your dorm with this predator on the loose, young padawan, and your complacency has served you poorly. This was a textbook setup for a Dorm Creeper attack. The Dorm Creeper, scourge of your residence hall, is an elusive creature, uncanny in their stealth, remarkable in their lethality, and majestic in their inability to read general social cues. They’ll catch you when at the most inopportune time, talk your ear off the most insipid and irrelevant drivel and they won’t let you leave until you’ve made some sort of vague, half-hearted plan on hanging out with them. They can be anyone, anywhere, at any time. And there’s no way to totally avoid them… unless you can commit to the celibate life of a dormitory shut-in. The Dorm Creep is an unpleasant specimen in the college community. You can successfully negotiate their hazards; surviving an encounter starts with information and preparation. And that’s where The Black Sheep comes in. Detection can be tricky. The Dorm Creeper has no warning signs except for that look on their face when they spot you. It’s not hard to identify in the field, the Creeper will exhibit manic excitement and heavy panting similar to a rabid dog. Extreme caution is advised: the Dorm Creeper can sense awkwardness and thrives on uncomfortable anxiety. Even if they can keep their crazy self-contained when they first approach, they’ll give away telltale signs. Are they inviting themselves to tag along with you and your group of friends when they clearly weren’t invited? Are they trying to show some cool
Exchange of personal information -- names, schedules or phone numbers -- is ill advised. Points of contact -- Facebook, texts, that cute little bulletin-board you put up on your door last semester -- will be abused. They’ll text you constantly; it doesn’t matter if they’re hitting on you or just trying to nose in on your business. It won’t stop. If you were foolish enough to reveal anything to the Dorm Creeper, you can safely expect to encounter them again. Even after you leave the dorm and go on your merry way they’ll still cross your path at the most inconvenient times. Sure, try and lure yourself into a false sense of security thinking to yourself. “Oh…they won’t recognize me” or “They didn’t see me.” They do and they did, dumbass. And if you ignore them this time, you can more than expect it to be brought up at your next encounter. Don’t let this be you, fair readers. Avoiding the Dorm Creeper trap can be tricky, but common sense can save you from another awkward apology explaining why you totally meant to check out his bug collection on a Friday night, but were too busy catching up on homework. Just be prepared.
"Get high." - Jamie R., Freshman
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Trivia that could save your life
10.) Custard is a non-Newtonian liquid: You’re touring a custard factory with your eccentric father and bored family. Suddenly, a mechanical failure blows up the enormous vats of custard. The bottom level is flooded and the roof is on fire from the explosion. How do you escape across the sea of delicious lemon custard to safety? Don’t swim - RUN. 9.) Batophobia is the fear of tall buildings: Not bats. Tell the leader of your adventure group you’re chiroptophobic to avoid the sort of misunderstanding that results in a heart attack. 8.) The longest animal in the world is the Lion’s Mane Jellyfish: Its tentacles can grow up to 120 feet long. That’s way longer than that blue whale you befriended specifically to fight evil in the ocean. Don’t fight evil in the ocean.
Ugly Trends Virus Nicole Barnes wrote this It has come to our attention that there are still some very strong misunderstandings about what trends you ladies are to avoid wearing. Your men have been saying that you look good in anything, but that's only because most of them are too busy picturing you naked to ever notice what you're wearing... until you make a serious mistake and find yourself single. Newsflash! Having a man does not make you immune, bitches. You must avoid being infected by the ugly trends virus. But apparently, some of you are still not quite competent enough to know what not to fall for. So as a public service, we’ve spelled it out for you. To avoid becoming infected, steer clear of the following: Gladiator Sandals: Again with this? These are, essentially, nothing more than sandals with way more straps than necessary. Unless you're a gladiator battling a lion for your life in ancient Rome, we fail to see the need for this inhibitory footwear. First of all, they're fugly. Second, they still look archaic. You can't dress these up! You might as well slap boards under your feet and wrap ropes around them. Of course if that’s too strenuous, you can always just capture some giant spider from the rainforest and let it wrap around your foot. Looks the same. And don't forget to complete the look the way many ladies often do: with sky-high, take-a-peak-at-my-buttcheek shorts, which are sure to form a prominent camel toe while you walk around town with your hams jiggling to-and-fro. This should complete your raggedy Roman look. Who knew “coliseum groupie” was all the rage? Sparklers: No, these aren't the wonderful fireworks that we enjoyed as children. Sparklers are the name for the faux jewels that certain ignorant young people are having installed in their mouths. Sparklers are somehow attached to your teeth by an irresponsible dentist, and come in a variety of pointless shapes. There are fake-ass gems, metal butterflies, dolphins, and a host of other, classy variations. Sparklers are the trailer park's answer to the grill. Although not a single,
giant mouthpiece, they’re equally disturbing and incomprehensible to the general public. When trying to attract a mate from far away, Sparklers can only help you can look like you’ve got a mouthful of cavities. But no worries... because up close people are able to see that you’re just some fool who escaped from uncivilization -- and that it's not your fault that you have jewels on your teeth because you lack common knowledge about what's good-looking to normal people. It's hard to believe that people used to whine about how ugly braces made them look. At least braces served a purpose. Feather Extensions: Putting feather extensions in our hair is possibly the worst attempt at flight by humans in recorded history. And sadly, this is happening in the 21st century, after flight has already been achieved. Everybody wanted to make fun of Bjork for wearing a swan dress, but then what did you turn around and do? Put feathers in your hair? Shame. The whole point in an extension is that it looks like an extension… of your HAIR. Don't think we don't empathize with you. We know how women strive to look exotic and blah blah blah. But while striving for exotic, don't cease to look human. You want to look like an exotic person, not an exotic pet. Feather trends fail to work in everyday dress. If you're going to wear feathers and look weird anyway, you might as well go all the way. Take a lesson from Bjork and just go out as a bird. If not, leave the feathers up to the Native Americans. Taking their land should have been enough. We're sorry to say, but you're not good-looking enough to pull off their trends too. The ugly trend virus is a serious tragedy, infecting the female species and rendering many of its best members hopelessly single. But prevention is possible -- be sure to stay away from women with the above symptoms, as the ugly trends virus has been discovered to be highly contagious. If you think you may be infected with the ugly trends virus, change your accessories immediately.
7.) The muscles that open a crocodile’s mouth are weak: Your boyfriend has fallen out of the boat in the Everglades and there’s a crocodile coming right for him. Take out your hair tie, jump on that reptile’s back and trick it into biting a stick. Slip the hair tie over its snout and GTFO. 6.) Nicotine destroys elastin in your body, giving smokers saggier skin and breasts over time: Unless you think those crazy saxophone playin’ raisins look sexy, this is yet another reason to quit that cancer stick now before it’s too late! Then pick up another oral fixation, like playing the saxophone! 5.) Doors in Churchill, Canada are unlocked: Polar bears are such a problem in Manitoba that residents in Churchill leave their cars and houses unlocked in case they need to make a quick escape. Those dang polar bears, always breaking into houses and stealing everyone’s Coke. 4. ) Dolphins are notorious sexual deviants and are capable of cruelty: Rape, interspecies rape, baby murder, interspecies baby murder, bullying, interspecies bullying -- dolphins are fucking dicks. Do not trust them, because they will betray you and rape you with their prehensile dolphin penises. 3.) The first whoopee cushion was invented by Roman Emperor Elagabalus in the 200s BCE: He used it frequently on guests. He was assassinated when he was 18. Moral? Don’t overuse whoopee cushions, or you will die a deserved death. 2.) Wendy’s policy is to feed the desperate: If you’re hungry, lost, and broke, find a Wendy’s. It’s Wendy’s Law to provide a free meal to anyone that says they’re from out of state, lost and don’t have any money. 1.) White roofs lower the temperature of a city: By reflecting more sunlight than they absorb, white roofs and pavement, while tacky as all hell, can lower the total temperature of the city they’re in, thereby using less energy to cool it in the summer. If everyone just agrees to ignore how weird it looks, white roofs can make a marked difference on climate change, saving untold lives lost in The Day After Tomorrow.
black sheep staff wrote this
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Getting to Know Your Bartender phil collins wrote this As an enthusiastic partier and budding alcoholic, the modern college student must develop a certain intimate relationship with their bartender. Naturally, the stress of exams and finals drives us to drink. But how many of us fantasize about actually becoming that bartender -- that masterful mixologist who comes to fix us up with our favorite medicine when we’re suffering from our common ailments? You might be surprised to learn, but with the right approach, anyone can become the celebrated local bartender. Under 21? Over 60? Still a college student? In today’s market, almost anyone with a professional attitude towards their career and a willingness to learn can begin to enjoy the fun of bartending. After all, we’ve all seen Ted Danson ham it up in Cheers, and he made it look easy. In reality, though, what does it really take to succeed as a great bartender?
by donning a Spiderman costume and trying to scale a wall. The Black Sheep can’t help but applaud such ambition. Of course, beyond the trash that one might see on a given Thirsty Thursday (of which a few of us may be guilty) skilled bartenders at Drake’s or Trust Lounge might also get to see $300 or $400 go with them in their pockets, making bartending a more-than-alluring profession to pick up coming out of college. And with our largely useless degrees in psychology and communications, it’s hard to ignore the potential money getting people intoxicated can bring to potential bartenders. Obviously, those illustrious men and women behind the bar open bottles on the job. But what many people don’t know is that bartending professionally can also open doors.
“It’s the people that have an adventurous side… but also have a decent personality.”
“Bartending…has put me in rooms with people that I could not pay to be in that room with” Cox reminds us.
Or so says Jeremiah Cox, Director of The Lexington Bartending School. From his office off of Old Virginia Ave, Cox sat down with The Black Sheep and let us in on a few of the quirks and perks behind the sacred art of bartending. And as we might’ve guessed, being a bartender comes with its share of perils.
By staffing classy events like the Kentucky Derby and certain presidential inaugurations, good bartenders can score the chance to rub shoulders with celebrities like Mathew McConaughey and Michael Jordan. It’s hard to miss the conspicuous picture of Cox and P. Diddy, lovingly nicknamed President Cîroc Obama, sitting behind his desk.
“Alcohol does a lot of things to the body…” admits Cox, with a sense of caution. And as a highly experienced bartender, he might know a thing or two. From poorly-executed backflips to ill-advised leaps from secondfloor balconies, bartenders like Cox have seen us all at our best and our worst. Sometimes it’s painful, with slurred words and drunken fights. But then it can also prove to be endearingly beautiful, like the bar patron whom he witnessed living out a childhood fantasy
But of course, rubbing shoulders…err, mixing drinks for the rich and famous can be a tall order (note the liberal use of bartending puns). And not just any schmuck can walk up off the street and serve the proper cocktail -- if James Bond asks for a Martini shaken, not stirred, you need to know what the hell you’re doing. “[Just] because they’re standing behind four feet of wood…they think that they’re qualified bartenders.”
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As Cox stresses, bartending is an incredible experience, but it’s also a skill to be honed and a science to be mastered. There are drinks to memorize, pours to perfect and a myriad of interpersonal skills to master. For trained bartenders, there’s a more simple base system to learn to help in the creation of drinks. But this isn’t just the simpleton Applebee’s crash-course that some places offer. Professional schools like The Lexington Bartending School promise to help students, even those currently seeking a degree in other, less awesome fields, master the skills that they’ll need to succeed in a field as challenging yet exciting as bartending. After all, it’s a labor of love. “While bartending, I’ve kept a lot of people entertained in my time,” Cox reflects. And god bless him for it.
The Thirst: A Friendly PSA Shauntionne Mosley wrote this There she is again… that cute redhead you always see at Willy T. You’ve gamed her at least a dozen times and she’s shot you down with each attempt. Something about having a boyfriend or some shit. Just like any determined Wildcat, however, you have an ego to defend and nine more chances to defend it, so you try another approach. After receiving her number from the online student directory (how convenient) you begin to text her and spit some premium game. But instead of falling for your insane charm, she pops off and threatens to get you jumped by her brother’s frat. Such hostility. And for what reason? You did nothing but show interest in her and asked her if she’d do something nasty for some Flex Dollars. In your eyes you did nothing but be that charming, romantic guy that girls claim isn’t around anymore. If we didn’t know any better, we’d say you have no idea that you’ve just entered the Thirst Zone. Confused? Nervous? Maybe a little scared? Don’t be, The Black Sheep is here to be your personal tour guide. “Thirst” is a slang term that’s been thrown around so loosely that we’re starting to think no one knows what it really is. Possibly because it’s really difficult to define. Slow down tiger, there’s a difference between being confident and pursuing and then just being parched. Luckily for you there are signs to tell whether or not you’ve contracted the thirst. First, you begin to have an abundance of confidence that wasn’t there before. Hence the reason why you think the person is interested in you, when in all actuality your pure existence has them considering transferring schools. For example, if a guy tells you that he’s not feeling you or runs whenever you come around, nine times out of ten he has experienced your thirst and is tired of your shit. Second, you spend almost all of your free time thinking about how you can contact and obtain this person. Please, do not get this symptom confused with that of having a crush, because they’re nothing alike. Having a crush is sweeter and comes from a rather tender and innocent place. Having thirst, however, comes from the dangerous intersection of desire and delusion and will have you liking someone’s Instagram picture from 10 weeks ago. Third, hide your booze -- when one is thirsty they tend to drink a lot more than usual. It calms
insane voice in their head that’s gassing them up. So unless you’re prepared to babysit a heartbroken, partially schizophrenic friend, heed our warning. Finally, when one is thirsty the palms tend to itch and sweat profusely. It’s a defense mechanism just in case they’re turned down. No one wants to hear the word no. Especially a thirster. They have the hankering to back hand a hoe more so than a disrespected pimp. So stay clear of that palm. We understand that you might have a thing for someone, but don’t let them see you sweat! You’re awesome and if you have to chase after someone for too long, they have no idea that they’re missing out on your fine self. We’re all about positive self-esteem here. Or… you could just ignore this entire article and continuing thirsting witch yo’ thirsty ass. We won’t judge.
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bartender of the week graige f. lexington beer works Hometown: Eugene, Oregon
blew chunks everywhere.
What made you want to bartend: To help put myself through school. It was a natural fit.
Favorite drink to make: Bourbon on the rocks.
Is bartending your favorite job you've ever had: Yeah. Has bartending taught you any life lessons: Everything in moderation. Is bartending difficult: Sometimes, you have to make sure the customers have a good experience. Favorite part of bartending: When my shift's over and I can start drinking. Worst thing you've ever seen someone do in a bar: Someone
the drinking game: Beeramid
The Egyptians had a long history of drinking beer, the Aztecs too. Yes, these great civilizations just loved cracking open a cold one after a hard day erecting awe-inspiring feats of engineering. Now it’s time to include the college student when breathlessly mentioning great pyramid-building, beer-loving societies. Greatness, thy name is Keystone Light! What You’ll Need: Some empties, some fullies, a fair amount of coordination. Number of Players: 3-6 Level of Intoxication: Denial (of your drinking problem) ain’t just a river in Egypt. How to Play: - Start the game by placing one full beer in the middle of the table. - Moving clockwise, each player takes turns placing an empty beer can to the right or left of the full beer can. - The bottom row of cans can only be six cans wide. - Once at least two beer cans are placed on the bottom row, players may begin building up, creating the classic two-dimensional pyramid shape. - Players continue building the pyramid until the pyramid collapses. - No player may place one can directly on top of another can, unless the all six vertical rows of the pyramid are completed. In this case, begin stacking single beers on top of one another. - The player who causes the pyramid to collapse must chug the full beer on the bottom row of the pyramid. The Game Ends When: Someone gets mad and calls their mummy.
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What drink do you order at a bar: Good craft beer. If you could share a drink with anyone who'd it be: Kim Jong-un What's your hangover cure: Two Aspirin and a pint of water. What's your favorite pickup line: Don’t need one… just listen and pay attention to the girls. What do bartenders know that the rest of us don't: Drinking never solves your problems – ever.
recipe for2-Topping disaster: 14” Large chocolate lasagna Pan or Stuffed Pizza ONLY $13.49 (plus tax and delivery) Screw all the health crap being shoved down everyone’s throats. Live a little, have the extra piece of cake, drink more beer, and have dessert for dinner—especially if it’s chocolate lasagna.
What You’ll Need: 1 package Oreo cookies, 6 tablespoon melted butter, 8-ounce package cream cheese (softened), 1/4 cup granulated sugar, 2 tablespoons milk, 12-ounce tub of Cool Whip, two 3.9-ounce packages of chocolate instant pudding, 3 1/4 cups cold milk, and 1 1/2 cups mini chocolate chips. Cook Time: Just over an hour. Fatty Factor: The perfect cure for a chubby kid’s sweet tooth.
Let’s Get Baked: - Put the Oreos in a Ziploc bag and smash them with a hard object until they’re crumbs. We recommend thinking about something that pisses you off, like your lying, cheating whore ex. - Add the melted butter into the Oreo bag and mix. - Pour the Oreo and butter mix evenly across the bottom of your baking pan and place the pan in the refrigerator while you prepare the rest of the recipe. - Mix the cream cheese in a separate bowl until it’s light and fluffy. - Add in 2 tablespoons of milk, sugar and 1 1/2 cups of the Cool Whip and mix until combined. - Remove the pan from the fridge and spread the cream cheese mixture over the Oreo crust. - Combine the chocolate instant pudding with the rest of the milk. Stir until the pudding starts to thicken. - Spread the pudding over the other layers with a spatula. - Let your lasagna chill for another five minutes in the refrigerator. - Remove the pan from the fridge, spread the remaining Cool Whip over your lasagna and sprinkle chocolate chips over the top. - Put your chocolate lasagna in the freezer for an hour before chowin’ down.
COME TRY SLICE OF CHICAGO TODAY!
Sunday - Monday: 4pm-11:45 p.m. Tuesday -Saurday: 4pm-1:45 a.m. (859) 381-8700 Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com Let it thaw a bit before diggin’ your teeth into it. The Black Sheep is not responsible for dental work. We’ll pull the teeth out, though, if you ask nicely.
A Few Major Plot Points: The first season in the office gives a six-episode glimpse into Michael Scott’s uncomfortable weirdness, Jim’s crush on Pam (though she’s engaged to Roy), and the potential shutdown of the Dunder Mifflin branch. Which Makes the Audience Think: “What a weird, insular world these people live in.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: It’s the first day, and the too-cool-for-school 40-year-old giving you a tour of the office uses words like “brews” and “babes” to feel out your life outside of work. After he gets alltoo-excited showing you the IKEA-grade twirly chair you’ll call home this summer, he sheepishly asks you to help him remove some malware from his computer, but asks you be discreet about it; he can’t get caught browsing porn in the workplace, again. Over an Arby’s lunch in the break room you learn Tim has a crush on Sarah, but Sarah likes Peter. Though you thought such grade school antics would be left on the urine-soaked spiral slide on which you lost your virginity, you soon realize that most workplaces are little more than nine-to-five corrals for people with serious issues under very thin skin.
A Few Major Plot Points: Oscar is outed as a homosexual, Dwight takes Ryan out to Schrute Farms for an initiation with Mose, the Dunder Mifflin staff goes to Kelly’s Diwali celebration, and many attend Phyllis’ wedding. Which Makes the Audience Think: “Wait, so these people do have lives outside of the office.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: Sure, in the office the employees may seem like pathetic drones just checking off boxes until they end up six feet under, but outside of the office... they’re even more pathetic. Becky – who certainly has a crush on you – invited you to a family cookout that featured hockey puck hamburgers and a screaming match with her dad, highlighted with, “Well, if you don’t want to pay for another abortion, it looks like I’ll have to get [you] to kick your ass!” After hightailing it out of there you decide to meet up with Sarah, the other intern they hired this summer, just to see if her outlook is as jaded as your own. It isn’t. As she tells you her twenty-year plan that involved crawling up the corporate ladder one hard-fought rung at a time, only to quit at the peak of her middle management powers to have two kids, you begin wondering why gun laws aren’t more lax in the United States.
A Few Major Plot Points: Michael hosts the Dundies, an award ceremony for the employees. Relationships rise and fall as Michael and his boss Jan secretly date, and Roy sets a wedding date on a company-funded booze cruise. Which Makes the Audience Think: “At the end of the day we’re all bags of meat trying to survive another day.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: After sitting through a grueling four-hour motivational speaker who tries to inspire staff with empty pablum like, “It doesn’t matter where you’re coming from; it only matters where you’re going,” and “If you’re not moving towards your goals, you’re moving away from your goals,” everyone breaks for the nearest strip mall restaurant that sells liquor. Six drinks and a lot of group venting later, it’s just you and Tim alternately shooting the shit and shooting whisky. He tells you about his big plans to move to the city to escape his love for Sarah, but the lack of conviction in his voice betrays how trapped he realizes he is. When he’s in the bathroom you whisper into your phone, “Siri, note that I shouldn’t ever be as pathetic as Tim.” She responds with, “Then why did you take this internship you unambitious piece of shit?”
A Few Major Plot Points: After Karen leaves and breaks up with him, Jim becomes the regional manager of the Scranton branch, and begins dating Pam. Toby moves to Costa Rica after confessing his love for Pam, and is replaced by Holly Flax, who shows affection for Michael. Despite being in a loving relationship with Jim, Pam moves to New York for a three-month stint at art school. Which Makes the Audience Think: “Sometimes it’s important to look up from your daily grind, stop, and shake things up.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: All your friends are either working internships that fall in line with their future careers, or living off daddy’s money doing a summer-long, music fest bender. You come into the office to sit under sterile lighting and get mixed up in meaningless peoples’ lives for what, $10 and hour? Another bullet point on your resume? You’ll spend all that money within three weeks of fall semester, and the only “skill” you’re gaining here is “coordinated with management” and “became fluent in Microsoft Office.” Your other co-workers seem to be escaping this sinking ship, and you should too.
A Few Major Plot Points: Jim and Pam become engaged, and Pam moves back to Scranton where the two buy Jim’s parents’ house. Michael attempts a romance with Holly, but she’s transferred to another branch. Michael hates the new vice president of Dunder Mifflin and decides to start the Michael Scott Paper Company, but it is immediately bought out by Dunder Mifflin. Which Makes the Audience Think: “Sometimes it’s best to ignore what ails you, buckle down, and get back in line.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: Things are finally starting to get a little interesting, the two people you kind of like are around on a regular basis, and your boss isn’t so awkwardly focused on making you feel at home. Instead he’s got his eye on the new HR lady, who’s actually kind of hot. Once you get to really know these people, you start to care for them. And when you start to care for them, you become interested in the tiniest aspects of their day-to-day interactions. Plus you’ve got a lot of responsibility, and your beloved co-workers actually rely on you! You’re a special, and important part of this organization, to leave now would be a downright mean thing to do.
A Few Major Plot Points: Michael Scott asks for Holly’s hand in marriage and the two move to Colorado. More relationships change. Michael’s first replacement is seriously injured, leading Jo, the CEO of Sabre, to create a search committee to interview candidates to manage the office. Which Makes the Audience Think: “This whole thing’s but a walking shadow, full of sound and fury, yet signifying nothing.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: You’ve tuned out. Your kind-of-endearing but increasingly-annoying manager has moved on after dedicating 20 years of his heart and soul to the company. Everyone is caught up in the same drivel that blinds them from the truth: they’re living horrifyingly bland lives. He likes her, she likes someone else, and the no one likes the new manager. Whatever, you’re almost out. Two more weeks and you’ll continue your education, trying ever harder to ensure you never get caught staring into the cold, unforgiving glow of a computer screen for hours on end. All these things happen around you, but like a dead cat carcass in the bottom of a river, you let it all pass over you. The only thing that keeps you coming back is some unknown universal force of attachment to the place, and another brick in the ol’ resume.
A Few Major Plot Points: Oscar considers adopting Angela’s cat, Kevin gets a turtle, Dwight teaches Erin Dothraki, an acapella group shows up, Pam gives people lice, and there’s a paper airplane contest. Which Makes the Audience Think: “This is the way the world ends. This is the way the world ends. This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang but a whimper.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: Love, loss, heartbreak, sadness, despair, the summer of 2013 has been a death march started on the happy shores of Memorial Day, and only precious few will make it to the deep-jungle internment camp just past Labor Day. The oppressive early-August humidity coupled with emotional burnout caused by high staff turnover, little time off, and policy changes leaves staffers with thousand-yard stares. Yancy is killing time counting watercooler bubbles, and Fran just keeps Xeroxing the same blank sheet of paper over and over again. Everyone just wants the summer to be over with, most of all, you. As you thumb through party pics from the previous spring on your iPhone, you find yourself compelled to walk out the door. As you exit the building you rip off your tie and slacks, as the cool, moist air rushes over your naked body. Freeeeeeeedom! You’ll never work a white-collar job again.
A Few Major Plot Points: Jim and Pam have a baby, while other relationships bud or falter, keeping the dying show on life support. At Christmas it’s announced that Dunder Mifflin will be bought out by Sabre Corporation, a printer company. Many executives are let go and other branches closed, but the Scranton office prevails yet again. Which Makes the Audience Think: “This monotony is inescapable. It goes on and on and on, the same thing over and over again until we die.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: Turns out a larger company is buying the shitty company you work for, so hey, maybe you’ll have more connections coming out of this thing than a letter of recommendation from Randy, the guy who feeds and waters his jar of pennies in the back. Yes, it could also mean the branch you work for might close, but that’s fine because you’ve been wanting to get out of here and away from all the weird inter-office fucking that goes on. But just when you start to see the light, a sickening change in upper management sets you right back in line. Coming in every day, watching the same dead-eyed people have meaningless bouts of awkward conversation, and incessantly churning out whatever product you produce for the insatiable capitalist machine.
A Few Major Plot Points: Robert California helms Dunder Mifflin/Sabre, Andy takes over as Regional Manager, mad people be pregnant, and Andy quits. Which Makes the Audience Think: “The new sheriff in town will force these people back in line, unless he’s as insane as the rest of them.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: You’re hoping this new manager will come in, lay down the law, and make these last few weeks turn to the normalcy you expected when you signed up for this gig. No dice. Instead, he’s even zanier than the last guy. He puts Mark “I threw a mini fridge down the elevator shaft when I wasn’t granted the vacation days I wanted” Miller in charge of your department; sure it’s quieter, but you could cut the tension with a knife. Every day a very pregnant Katelyn quietly cries a few cubicles over. You wish you could join her in sobbing, but that would mean the stale fluorescent bulbs hadn’t sapped you of every last emotion you’ve ever had. A lecture hall never sounded more promising.
find the differences
there are 10 differences in this sweet job fair seminar. can you find them all?
the crossword: candies
Across 1) People collect these dispensers 2) Most popular type of Gummi 4) “You’re not you when you’re hungry.” 7) Extremely sour candy that was a hit in middle school 11) It’s supposedly everlasting 12) Lil Wayne wanted to lick you like one of these 15) A chew named after this 1920s dance 16) You can’t really use this candy for support, gramps 18) This candy is found on a strip of paper 20) A classic novel, with three of these
6) Individually wrapped chewy candy, originally known as Opal Fruits 8) Also the name of a Burger King staple 9) Pennsylvania town and huge chocolate manufacturer 10) A notoriously fancy chocolate company 11) M&M’s seductive mascot is this color 13) Bart Simpson was the face of this in the 90s 14) Peanut butter cup brand with over 21 variations 17) This mint had a whole Seinfeld episode 19) Caramel and cookie covered in milk chocolate
DOWN 1) Little marshmallow chicks 3) Kids crushed these and snorted them, stupidly 5) Popular Easter chocolate egg
Meet The Staff campus manager William J. Smith
campus director Quinn Myers
Advertising Manager David Smith, Jeff Dyas, Tyler Flatt
owner Atish Doshi
Writers Leo J. Weisberger, Mary Venuto Nicole Eliza, G. Jordan Johnson Shauntionne Mosley, Shelby Bevins Jordan Johnson, Neal Querio distribution manager Kaitlyn Kamer, Jillian Boon Social media manager Olivia McCoy
Founders The Brothers Smith, Jeff Dyas, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers Questions? firstname.lastname@example.org Advertising? email@example.com 608.712.0900
Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
find us at... Bourbon & Toulouse Bluetique Cheapside Campus Pub Cosmic Charlies Hugh Jass Paddoc Paulies Toasted Barrel Pazzo's Smashburger Starbucks T-Bar The Lex Tin Roof Tolly Ho Two Keys Fusion Tanning Graters Ice Cream
Jimmy Johns Madmushroom Pizza McAlister's Deli Mellow Mushroom Raising Canes Red Mile Slice of Chicago OffThaHookah Arbys CD Central Goldstar Chili Jamba Juice Kennedy's Textbooks King Tut's Mediterranean The Paddock Bar Ramseys Shenanigans
Prince Hookah Lounge The Local Taco Wildcat Textbooks Business Restocking Newtown Crossing Royal Lexington University Lofts Red Mile 524 & 525 The LEX The Collegiate Campus Court University Village Park Hill Greek Houses! On Campus Building! SO MUCH MORE!
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2130 W. Potomac Ave., Suite 1, Chicago, IL 60622
Mansion. Apartment. Shack. House. Got Engaged At: - WNBA Game - DIxie Chicks concert - ASPCA convention - Google Meetup
Celebrity to Officiate Wedding: - Ke$ha - Miley Cyrus - Lindsay Lohan - Paris Hilton
Honeymoon Adventure: - Jet skiing in glitter unitards - Cleaning your aunt’s house - Visiting a Westboro protest - Trick-or-treating in June
Best Man: - Tom Haverford - Tommy Lee Jones - Tom Petty - Thom Yorke
First Dance: - “Pony” by Ginuwine - “Get Ur Freak On” by Missy Elliot - “Waterfalls” by TLC - “Gimme Some More” by Busta Rhymes
Matching Body Modification: - Horns in forehead - Ears gauged in a heart shape - Corset up the neck - Bill Clinton tattoo on the chest
Maid of Honor: - Lisa Simpson - Lisa Loeb - Lisa Kudrow - Lisa Lampanelli
Wedding souvenir: - Defective condoms - $10 McDonald’s gift card - Homemade Peep-infused vodka - Soluja Boy “Crank That” CD Single
Highlight of Married Life: - Properly breeding poodles - Threesome with Katie Couric - Flying first class to Houston - Growing lettuce successfully
How to play
Doodle some dots on the page until a friend (or your brain) tells you to stop. Starting with M.A.S.H., go around the board crossing off whatever option corresponds with your number. Go around the board until only one of each category is left. That, my friend, is your future. Enjoy it.
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Published on Apr 10, 2013