The Black Sheep
F of REE. ea .. li tin ke t g me he at pare on n go tal od gu fr ilt ida y.
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 1, Issue 11 • 3/28/13 - 4/3/13
Putting the “UK” in “SUCK” mary venuto wrote this For the first time since human history has been documented, the University of Kentucky Wildcats had an embarrassing basketball season. Of course, “embarrassing” might be generous… getting invited to the Not-Invited-Tournament was embarrassing. Being the first seed in the loser’s game… and then losing again… is a little bit more than just embarrassing. In some eastern cultures we’d be expected to perform ritualistic suicide as a nod of respect to our stronger and more virile ancestors. Of course, The Black Sheep doesn’t endorse self-harm in any way… unless it involves your liver. But it’s about time we acknowledge the bitter truth: less than a year since we all flipped cars in a drunken riot of celebration for our NCAA win, it’s now our time as UK students to sit down, tie on our shitty plastic bibs and take a bite out of that bitch-of-an-entrée: humble pie. Oh yeah, it was that bad. Robert Fucking Morris? If you’ve ever even hear of that school you can go blow yourself. But such is the fate of the Big Blue Nation. And one thing that Big Blue does badly is deal with loss in a healthy, respectable way. Let’s dissect some of the ways that we’re dealing with the heartbreak, shall we? Denial/Isolation: We’ll get over it. It happened. So these Robert Moore (Morris?, Murphy?, Who cares?) nobodies shat in the Wildcat’s litter box and then proceeded to rub our whiskers in it in the first round of the NIT Tournament. Oh, the humanity! We understand, it doesn’t go down as smooth as bourbon, so people have had a hard time accepting this reality. And why should we? Now that we’re out, NCAA bracketology is revealed to us for what is -- bullshit speculation on a stupid piece of paper. Anger: Go ahead and blame Calipari -- the sleazy, rich uncle that shows up at a family reunion every once in a while. But we know he paid the big dollars to give last year’s top recruits Range Rovers. What more can we ask of him? Plus you fair-weather fans on Facebook saying “F*ck the CATS, I’ve never liked them” aren’t helping matters either. Go sit in the corner and count backwards from ten until your heart palpitations subside. We can always just purchase next year’s top recruitment class, right? Bargaining: A classic technique in dealing with loss. People seem to think that if Nerlens were still playing things would have ended up differently. Maybe. The fact of the matter is, however, that even if Nerlens never got hurt the fate of UK basketball would have been the same: obsessive support contingent on unrealistic tournament expectations. From the sudden appearance of Louisville Red apparel across campus, it is obvious that bandwagoners have switched teams just in the time to save face. As if switching from a Wildcats fan to a Cards fan is any more respectable. Switching
Telekenisis: The Benefits, and Abuses, of the Best Super-Power
teams brings more shame than necessary to Lexington, as if we needed any help being trashy here in central Kentucky. Now we’re forced to look at ugly Cardinal cartoons. Joke's on you traitors; you’re not a real American if you wear commie red. Depression: Drinking a whole handle of KG in one sitting is not the answer.
Acceptance: Drinking a whole handle of KG in one sitting is definitely the answer. The Cats may not be in the NCAA tournament this season, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t find a silver lining. Think of tailgating at Keeneland, or the tornado drills, or that March is over in just one short, booze-soaked week. Then we never have to think of this season again. And if Big Blue Nation is good at one thing, it’s forgetting all the times the Cats weren’t ranked number 1.
Top 10: Reasons to Support SameSex Marriage
Masterpiece Theatre: Great Movies to Get Trashed To
its too great of a power to use for good, but for real though.
if only because your gay best friend's wedding is going to be a total blast.
If your favorite actor can make a film intoxicated, you can sure as hell watch it intoxicated.
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? firstname.lastname@example.org
page 4: from the streets
What's the craziest things you've seen or done in the past year?
page 5: Getting Over Post Spring Break Depression coming home was let down for all of us... see how we're coping.
page 10: Hipsterism: The Death of a Trend all good things must come to an end...
page 11: Bartender of the week
Dave from Lynagh's irish pub would have loved to rage with Abe Lincoln.
page 12: Game of Thrones or Porn?
It’s surprisingly hard to tell the difference between the two.
page 13: We Interview: The Black Angels Vocalist Alex Maas gives us a lengthy answer regarding psychedelic rock.
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word of the week Digestimation:
The ballparking of an amount of food or drink consumed in order to exaggerate or downplay the total intake. “In Seth’s digestimation he downed 74 chicken wings, but the way Paul remembers it, Seth ate closer to 30.”
From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What's the craziest things you've seen or done in the past year? "The riots last year are still the craziest! Nothing beats that!" - Daniel S., Freshman
Telekenisis: The Benefits, and Abuses, of the Best Super-Power
"Spring break in Panama... need I say more?" - Kelly P., Junior
Shelby Bevins wrote this So let’s indulge our sci-fi side, shall we? All things considered, telekinesis would be a damn good power to possess. Moving shit with our minds? Easy, sign us up. Some thinkers even say that humankind is totally capable of it; it’s just that our feeble, little minds are too basic and that socialization prevents us from believing that it’s really possible. Bah humbug, we say. Didn’t Poltergeist teach us anything, other than not to build a subdivision over Indian burial grounds or eat the mezcal worm floating around the bottom of your tequila glass? Sceptics be damned, telekinesis still merits The Black Sheep’s full endorsement. And if we could tap into these reserves of extraordinary mental power what do you think would ensue? Innocent fun? Shameless indulgence? Hedonistic crime? As for you... we can’t be too sure. But as for us, we have a rough idea of how we’d use our new-found telekinesis prowess… …by orchestrating a masterful bank-robbery spree: Ah, avarice: the golden hand of gimme. In the case of bank robbery, it’s also enhanced by a healthy dose of thrill-seeking. Most people think about wanting to rob a bank (or are we just deviants?) to get some extra pocket cash. We’d like to think we’d be magnanimous enough to disperse funds to the less fortunate… Occupy Lexington, or whatever. However, this act of subversion would require a lot of time and effort -- both of which we tend not to have. One, you have to force the hostages down. Two, seal the doors from the cops. Three, open the vault. Four, steal the money and have the levitating bags follow you out the escape route, all of which must be done with your goddamned mind. It would be exhausting, and probably wouldn’t work. We may have our minds, but the cops still have, like, guns and shit. If you did succeed, though, think of all the spoils! This would be a good way to pay off all those exorbitant student loans, yes? With a national average
student-loan debt of $27,000, not robbing a bank seems like the dumber option. …or pulling the most awesome prank ever: Maybe you shrugged off the bank robbery idea. Probably for the best. As you’re short-circuiting your already frazzled brain, you think of something more up your alley: pulling an incredible prank. Dear readers with impressionable minds: we leave you to your devices. Perhaps for your roommate who never flushes the toilet… the consequences of his choices can come revisit him in his bed. Or maybe your rambling professor feels the need the need to refuel his manic ranting with another infusion of caffeine… but his thermos keeps slipping farther and farther away from his reach. Of course, these aren’t ideas officially endorsed by The Black Sheep…but if you had the power, how could you not love to see these justices be exacted? …or giving your partner(s) the best orgasm of their life: Obviously. Useful and fun, but we may foresee issues. We’re certain that it could result in a lot of sex-crazed people getting after your ass constantly. With a power that virtually transforms you into the Greek god Eros, it’s certain to be indulged. They’re feeling great, but you want to seal the deal. Prepare for moans that will shake the building. Using this power is tricky too (we assume. We won’t be pretentious about being that great in bed). But then of course, Chevy Chase has beaten you to it. There’s a movie all about it, and Chevy Chase is a semi-god for us college kids. Overall, whether in the realm of fiction or reality, we wholly embrace the reality of telekinesis. After all, it may not just be a sci-fi fantasy, how else were you tricked into reading this paper in the first place? Makes you wonder… doesn’t it?
"Watching my roommate get arrested in Florida... sucks to suck!" - Jenny A., Junior
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reasons to support same-sex marriage
Americans are waiting with bated breath to hear how the Supreme Court rules on two landmark cases about same-sex marriage. Equal rights, historically, are only a matter of time, but to the 42% of Americans stuck in their ways, this can be uncomfortable. We’ve prepared a little bright side list to help you get used to the idea of gay people being human beings. 10.) You Know Gay People: If you know ten people, statistics show you probably know a gay person. And they haven’t converted you to their gayness because 1) no one can sway your raging hetero and 2) gayversion isn’t a fucking thing. See? No threat. 9.) Marriage is the Ultimate Misery: If you’re determined to hate homosexuals, you should still support gay marriage. Nothing is better than watching your greatest enemy gain 30 pounds and play that Barbie movie for the 80th time for their snot-nosed, screaming offspring. 8.) You’re Icked Out by Gay Sex: Nothing kills libido quite like a wedding ring. The surest way to make sure gay sex doesn’t happen in your neighborhood is to let them get married. 7.) Best. Weddings. Ever.: Someday, Dean is going to marry Aaron on top of a mountain, and there will be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs! And they will dance until the sun rises! And if you stay close-minded about it, you won’t be invited!
Post Spring Break Depression Shauntionne Mosley wrote this
6.) Jesus Wants You To: Remember that thing Jesus said about gay marriage? No? Well, maybe you’ll remember that thing he said about loving everyone, no matter what. Yeah, that sounds familiar. 5.) You Don’t Want to Be a Hypocrite: If you want to follow holy books, you have to follow ALL of them, not just the stuff that suits you. Are you quoting Leviticus in your online arguments about gay marriage? If so, you’d better be unshaven, kosher, only wearing one kind of fabric, shunning unclean women, enslaving people, sacrificing animals and pelting crippled people with rocks. 4.) They Make Great Parents: Straight couples have this thing where they can accidentally make babies even if they don’t even want them. Gay couples can’t make babies. They have to go through different channels, all of which are difficult and expensive. That’s a level of commitment you won’t find on Teen Mom. When a same-sex couple has a kid, it’s because that leaky, screamy, stinky little human is wanted and loved.
The sun’s beating down and kissing your soon-to-be bronzed skin as you stretch out on the sand. Beautiful people are strutting around left and right, you’re just about to become one of the golden beach gods. But wait… what’s that sound? All of a sudden a loud siren and a strong vibration knock you out of your paradise. Of course, welcome back to reality. That warm sand was your heated blanket and that vibration was your phone’s alarm reminding you that it’s Monday morning and you’re nowhere near the coast. Sorry Milton, this is paradise lost.
3.) It Doesn’t Affect You: You know what Canada, Norway, Israel, New York, Sweden, Belgium, Brazil, Denmark, Maine, Mexico, Holland, Argentina and Washington fucking DC have in common? A distinct lack of divine judgment.
The week after spring break is the hardest for a college student. After taking numerous body shots off of toned and newly-waxed bodies, it’s easy to forget about ten-page papers, crotchety professors, and “books.”
2.) Easier to Identify: Gay people are among you. You might recognize them by their humanoid features, their lack of demonic powers and their opinions about Michigan weather, but more often not. Married couples, though, are super easy to pick out of a crowd.
The post-spring break hangover can get the best of us, for sure. But don’t worry kid, you can make it. As simple as it sounds, one of the best ways to get over spring break is reminding yourself that it will happen again. Well, unless you’re a senior. In that case, welcome to an eternity of disappointment. All students can feed off of the perverse fascination and false hope leftover from last week. Remember last week when that smokin’ chick you were going to hit on at the beach turned you down? Remember when later on you found out she was into girls? Of course you do. Sure, you’ll look like an idiot when your teacher calls on you, but you’re off daydreaming about that girl “who got away.” But then he never saw what you saw on that dirty and depraved beach. To him, you’re just another unmotivated slacker nursing a hangover. In reality, you’re actually the most motivated you could be at the moment. Two chicks at the same damn time? Flashbacks? Don’t fret, let them fuel you. They’ll be the reason you pass the class. Another adjustment students negotiate is the transition back to life with clothes. It’s depressing to drive away from 80-degree weather into the rain, sleet, and snow -- all of which bipolar Lexington has in spades. Frolicking on the sand to show off yo’ fine ass is over, and again you have to walk around campus with a scarf wrapped around your face. This breaks one’s soul. Solution? When you’re in your dorm or apartment wear the least amount of clothes possible. If your roommate has a problem with seeing certain parts of you hardening up due to that slight breeze, tell them to either turn the heat up or to turn down the hate. Summer will be here sooner than you know it, but it until then what are you supposed to do?! Get naked. Get very naked. Obviously we’re not supposed to attend college just for spring break. We’re here mostly for the, umm, education thing…and stuff. But The Black Sheep is well aware that drunken tomfoolery and general poor behavior are some of the best parts about being in college. It may be over, but at least you have us writers to hang out with until it returns again. We mean…we’re cool enough, right?
1.) It’s Going to Happen: Historically, freedom has always won out in America. We freed the slaves. We let women vote. We gave black Americans equal rights. We saved interracial marriage. Same-sex marriage is going to happen, and unless you start getting used to the idea of two consenting adults in love, in five years you’ll find yourself on the wrong side of history with the KKK.
tbs staff wrote this
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the Black Sheep Masterpiece Theatre:
Great Movies to Get Trashed to Neal Querio wrote this
It’s Friday night. You got some cash saved and you pulled off two days of sobriety just to prep your liver. But at the last minute your friends bail on you, whimpering about some big exam next week. Guess it’s an early night for you then. Wrong. You might be spending the night stuck in your room, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be blitzed out of your mind. The Black Sheep, chronic partiers and occasional amateur film aficionados, often revel in taking a pleasant evening in with scintillating cinematography and thrilling intoxicants. That’s right, kids: just get hammered and watch a movie. Sounds kinda lame, right? Wrong again, idiot. Half of these Hollywood stars make their movies strung-out on drugs… so why not enjoy them with your own altered state? And like a fine wine pairing, if you pick the right movie for your drug of choice chances are you're going to have an exquisite experience. One new movie quickly making the rounds in the cinema world, Oz the Great and Powerful, is simply a stoner’s dream. We highly suggest investing in a 3D showing for an even more mindblowing experience, regardless of how annoying the little plastic glasses feel on your face. When the twister arrives to sweep Oz away you’ll swear you right there with him. And when the Land of Oz is finally revealed your eyes won’t able to handle the delicious swirl of color, and you’ll start licking at the screen. We suspect James Franco himself smoked while shooting the film, and probably before watching it as well.
is the current street rate here in Fayette County) and settle in with 2012’s Prohibition-busting crime-drama Lawless. The mixture of backwoods outlaw rebellion and hard liquor is particularly exhilarating to the shit-faced. Plus Tom Hardy and Shia LaBeouf are outstanding as 1930s-era badass distillers and offer some serious eye-candy… assuming you can still see straight.
If, however, you’d like to make your experience a little more interactive, last year’s 21 Jump Street lends itself well to the drinking game treatment. Of course Channing Tatum is a fine piece of man (Editor’s note: totally agree) and with Jonah Hill as his comedic sidekick there’s never a dull moment. But why not take a drink every time the forbidden “fuck” is uttered onscreen in this blue undercover-cop-goes-to-high-school comedy? For more ambitious partiers we say go for the gold, just try and keep an ambulance on stand-by.
Though publishing constraints prevent us from advocating more, umm…illicit partying, you could always get real crazy by screening the 1983 coke classic Scarface, snorting a line every time Al Pacino does, assuming you have the next 10 hours free to have a small heart attack. And even the idea of matching Johnny Depp scene-by-scene, drug-by-drug in the immortal hallucinogenic-narrative Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas has been floated about in more than a few rowdy The Black Sheep staff meetings, but this doesn’t come recommended. For one, the human body is simply unequipped to absorb that many toxins in a single night. Moreover, it’s a total bitch to try and find mescaline here in Lexington.
For slightly heavier drinking, tap into your inner hillbilly, get ahold of some moonshine ($20 a jar
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hipsterism: the death of a trend tbs staff wrote this It’s time that we laid the term “hipster” to rest. Its uses have stretched so far and so wide that it has lost all meaning. It started as a fashion trend, a hybrid of grunge and skate, but has now branched off into a scene of its own. From clothing to music, from drinking pleasures to smoking habits, the hipster movement has grown into a behemoth so large that it has become the new mainstream. It is another passing trend and nothing more. Once again, a generation’s struggle for nonconformity has conformed them all. Such are the tides of popular culture. With each rising wave that crashes upon the shore, new sea treasures are surfaced and scattered across the sands. A new craze begins, the tides recede, and more salty treasures are brought from the stream to the sea. It all started with a man sporting his hot new Wayfarer Ray Bans, a freshly trimmed mustache, and a hand-selected outfit from his local resale shop. On his side was a woman with a matching pair of shades, modeling a flowing grandma dress, rouge lips, and combat boots. They strutted out of the liquor store and onto the street hand in hand while sucking on buds and carrying a 30 pack of PBR. As they passed by, the people scoffed and stared, but secretly dug their musty, retro vibe. And so, millions of teens across the U.S. of A. started asking their mothers and fathers for hand-me-down wears, and the old vinyls that were kept in the attic. The fashion and music of the 80s and 90s were resurrected from their dingy and glittery tombs. As the record spun, the sounds of Billy Idol’s “Dancing With Myself” traveled through the headphones, and the pseudo-nonconformists of the past were born anew. Celebrity culture caught wind of revival, the disease spread, and the inflicted were given a name—hipsters. It’s funny to look back on all the trends of past decades and compare them to the qualities commonly identified with the hipster. With a vintage swag, a grunge attitude, and a “white trash” partiality to beer, the hipster is a conglomeration of multiple trends and styles. The name itself means a person who is “hip” with the latest trends and fashions. It is a word that encapsulates the quintessence of “being in the know,” which would seem paradoxical to the stereotypical attitudes carried by the scene’s followers. To its credit, the hipster movement, or hipsterism, has sprouted new mom and pop coffee shops across the nation and has been the saving grace for the starving musician. Thrift stores have enjoyed
the increase in business, and the charities which many non-profit resale shops help fund are extremely thankful. What began as a fashion trend has evolved into a persona and a lifestyle, both of which have been brought under much scrutiny due to their vaguely leftist doctrine and the pontificating ways in which those associated with the movement conduct themselves. Hipster has been associated with many negative connotations, some of which are justified. Anyone who makes a condescending remark about your preference for non-free trade coffee is so bigheaded that it makes their fedora look more like a yarmulke. But an asshole, whether it’s a jock, nerd, or a hipster, is still just an asshole. We mustn't let stereotypes guide our judgment. We all have at least a few “hipsteresque” qualities that cyclically come with being a part of a generation. Everyone holds their taste in music, fashion, and art to be the best that had ever been, but it is not what sets us apart from the rest. So knock it off with the elitist talk, and quit whining about your shallow, pointless grievances with the preferences of others. To quote Bomb the Music Industry: “the shit that you hate don’t make you special.” Just as the trends before it, the hipsters must come to an end. There were the greasers of the 50s, the hippies of the 60s, the disco jocks of the 70s, the new wavers of the 80s, and the grungers of the 90s. The hipsters’ days are numbered, and soon they too, like all the others, will melt under the beam of the limelight and join those before them behind the curtain.
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bartender of the week Dave H. Lynagh's irish pub How long have you been bartending: 12 years... a long time.
accident because he tried peeing sitting down... publicly.
Favorite drink to make: Bloody Marys
What made you want to bartend: The social aspect of it, and it's not really work, because it's enjoyable. Is bartending your favorite job you've ever had: Yeah Has bartending taught you any life lessons: Don't drink too much Is bartending difficult: NO Favorite part about bartending: The social aspect, it's like hosting a party Worst thing you've ever seen at the bar: A guy peed on his face on
the drinking game:
Spring Break vacation pictures All right, so the vacation of a lifetime is over and you’ve probably have a couple SD cards full of drunk babes on the beach, Broseph Stalin on the back patio roof drinking a forty, and the time you got so drunk you got your ears pierced and then had no recollection of said memory. If they haven’t been posted to Facebook yet, you should probably get on that right away because you can’t play this game if you don’t. What you’ll need: Lots of beer, hard liquor to take shots with, a laptop with access to internet and a Facebook account, Facebook friends who went on spring break How to play: First, make sure every person involved in the game has a beer. Next, go through the pictures one at a time. Every time you see the following, take the alcohol that correlates with it. Take a drink of beer for every picture: - At the beach - At the hotel - At a club - On the road - In someone’s butt
Take a shot for every picture: - On the beach with girls in bikinis - In the club dancing/grinding - Of someone on the roof - Of someone getting a tattoo or piercing they’ll regret - Of someone clearly about to get in serious shit - Of someone clearly on drugs - Of someone passed out - Of someone at the hospital
The Game Ends When: All the pictures have been viewed, you’re done, and definitely don’t have a boner. Chances are you’re going to make it to 13 and feel like a winner.
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What drink do you order at a bar: Vodka soda, or Jager, I keep it simple. If you could share a drink with anyone, who would it be and why: Abraham Lincoln, most people don't know it but he liked to rage! What's your hangover cure: Sudafed, a blue Powerade and a 5-hour Energy What's your favorite pickup line you've heard on the job: Don't hear very many of those here. So I wouldn't know.
recipe for disaster: Cheesy Tots
Tater tots are like French fries’ fatter younger brother, man. But man, how did they get so fat when French fries are the ones covered in cheese, right man? Let’s try to remedy that situation and put the world back in the right place, man. What You’ll Need: A bag of frozen tater tots, a sleeve of Kraft singles, and a few extra places to pack the pounds. Cook Time: 30 minutes Fatty Factor: You’ll look like you’re carrying a tot in the ole’ belly. Let’s Get Baked: - Pre-heat the oven to 450 degrees - Place the frozen tater tots on a baking sheet. If a baking sheet is not available, then you have bigger problems, mister. - Once the oven is properly heated, place the tater tots in the oven for 20 minutes. - After 20 minutes remove the baking sheet from the oven, Place the Kraft singles on the tater tots. - Put the tater tots back in the oven for five minutes. - After the cheese is melted, enjoy. Ah, a starchy nothingness totally void of nutritional value. The communication major of food.
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1 or 2
internet porn is re-wiring our generation's brain to not care about the story, but Game of Thrones is like, 60% story! And the other 40%, well, the other 40% gives us an excuse to watch two ladies goin’ at it on the big screen in the living room like the good lord intended. Can you recall which of these scenes is from GoT and which is from a porn you won't admit to having watched?
1) Shot from a voyeur’s perspective, a naked woman is
2) A man lays injured in his bed, when an attractive woman
4) It’s a stormy night. A voluptuous redhead in a robe walks
5) A man is put in an awkward situation when his best friend’s
6) In a dark dungeon a woman confronts a man who is tied
thrusting reverse-cowboy on top of a man. The camera then zooms out to reveal the voyeur isn’t the viewer, but a man receiving oral from a shirtless woman while spying on the two people having sex.
The scene opens to a shirtless brunette girl in a seethrough dress straddling the lap of another woman. She asks the other woman if she has ever kissed another girl, to which she says no, it had never crossed her mind. The girl then strips off her see-through dress and begins taking the other girl’s clothes off. They kiss, get naked, and kiss some more.
sister enters his room. He’s not sure what to say, so he compliments her dress. She says she likes it too, but like it better “this way,” and proceeds to take her top off. He is awestruck, and fumbles around for his words as she reaches down his pants and kisses him all naked-like. When he’s too nervous to get it up, she asks if he’d like her brother to join in the fun.
7) In a steaming hot tub, a skinny shirtless brunette strad-
walks in to nurse his wounds. She inspects his body starting with his head, looking for any abrasions or swelling. She comes across some major swelling at his waist. She pulls down the sheets to reveal the source of the swelling, and decides the best way to alleviate the swelling is immediately, with her mouth.
into a war room, demanding to talk to the general alone. She starts with innocent conversation, but quickly moves to rubbing his loins. At first he denies her, saying he has a wife who he loves, but she eventually wins him over after dropping her robe to the ground. He proceeds to lay her out over the war table, knocking all the pieces off as he pounds away.
up to a post. The man is blindfolded and seems to have been down there for a while, but the woman shows no mercy and whips his bare chest. Though at first she seems to be his enemy, things quickly turn around as she begins rubbing her ass into his lap.
8) A man walks into his room to the surprise of two naked
dles the lap of a man with long blonde hair. The two are merely chatting about historical events, surely just sharing a tub. But soon the subject matter of the man’s conversation alone begins to make the girl climax, and the two engage in steamy hot tub sex.
women waiting for him. They say they’ll do anything he demands of them. He decides to tell them to start on each other, and sits back to watch the two girls perform oral on each other. Soon he decides to heat things up by having one girl spank the other. As he gets more excited, he tells one to use a belt on her while he watches, telling them to hit harder. Finally, he picks up a thick black post and watches as they scream (in pleasure?)
9) A well-dressed man sits in his fancy office awaiting word from one of his workers. In walks
10) Looking through a peephole, the camera shows many women running around naked, and
a blonde woman in a skimpy dress to “alert him of some pressing news.” He doesn’t care too much about the news though, especially after she props herself on top of his table and straddles him with her legs. Despite the impending news from his attendants, the two engage in a long, sexual adventure.
A midget stands tall while receiving an intense blow job from a large-breasted redhead. Just before he finishes the two move over to the bed to take things up a notch, but they’re quickly interrupted when the midget’s brother busts into the room. The brother doesn’t seem to mind what he is witnessing, and proceeds to invite three more shirtless women to climb into the midget’s bed.
Open scene to a room full of naked women. Two in the corner are boisterously going at it. A man wanders in, but instead of joining in, starts to direct them on what to do to each other, and how to do it. As he speaks to them, the two women twist into several different positions before climaxing.
In the hull of a pirate ship, a maiden is at the mercy of her capturer(s). She insists she is uncertain of where her rich father’s treasures are, but offers to provide booty of a different kind. The men inquire as to what kind of booty she is talking about, and the woman says “a treasure her father values greater than all of his gold,” and drops her dress to the floor.
innocently undressing. Soon, however, the man looking through the peephole is caught by a naked woman when she lays her hand on his shoulder. Instead of scolding him, though, she pushes him to the ground and proceeds to have sex with him.
A boy is visiting his friend when his friend’s mom walks in. She tells him his friend will be just a moment, and asks if he’d like anything while he waits. Before he responds, his friend’s mom is sitting very close to him on the couch with her arm gently resting on his lap. He nervously asks for something to drink, to which she takes her shirt off and starts undoing his pants.
14) Upon entering his chambers, a man finds the woman who was supposed to be watching over his children bare naked in his bed. He asks what’s going on, stating a person of her stature has no business being in his bed, let alone naked. She asserts that he not worry about paying her, Her supple beauty entrances him, however, and the two engage in… all sorts of sexual deeds.
It’s a dark night in a candle-lit room. A giant man with bulging muscles lies in bed awaiting a small, pale skinned blonde. Just as he’s about to have his way with her, pushing her face into the pillows, she pushes him back into the bed and gets on top, dominating him for the rest of the scene.
one very long answer from
Alex Maas, Vocalist for The Black Angels This past week The Black Sheep was fortunate enough to sit down with Alex Maas, vocalist for Austin-based psych rock group The Black Angels. Normally we have a nice back-andforth conversation in which we ask questions and get answers. Sure, that happened, but the first question we asked Alex turned into a sprawling six-minute epic that deserves to stand on its own. Their new album, Indigo Meadow hits the world on April 2nd, followed by a national tour. If you like this answer, you’ll like them. Give ‘em a whirl. The Black Sheep: Psychedelic rock is a very specific subgenre. What attracted you to it in the first place? What led you to it? Alex Maas: I mean it was basically the music we were the most drawn to. The music we were most interested in came from the late-60s era, and obviously people have hinted at that sound ever since that era came to a close. The [13th Floor] Elevators kind of claimed to coin the term “psychedelic rock n’ roll,” they were the first to put those two things together. But psychedelic music has been around since the dawn of time, right? Think about a tribe of people in the forest, and shamans taking them on a journey, a story about many generations—educational stories that their fathers had learnt over the years. That’s it, the first spiritual story that you’re telling someone through music. That concept—the storytelling concept—is intriguing in itself, whether you put “psychedelic” on it or not really isn’t the point. The idea that people refer to it—the psychedelic scene—as psychedelic, to me it’s less about the music and more about how the music makes you feel. It’s the sonic alchemist approach that we’re doing, where we’re trying to make the guitar sound like something else. Like, “What is that? Is that a guitar, or is that a helicopter?” That’s really interesting to me. You can talk about this being experimental music, or whatever, but to me the root of it is rock n’ roll. It’s not bar rock. There’s a difference, you know, between that white bar rock kind of thing and psychedelic rock. One of the main differences is, the feeling musicians have on stage, and the listener gets when listening to the music, so it’s always been about the music being a spiritual thing for us. It’s a sonic journey we take someone on. If it’s a different night we’ll take you on the same journey, but in a slightly different way.
entertainment-y things to
The reason I think I’m drawn to it, basically, is I think it has a little more soul to it. That’s why I keep referencing indigenous tribes, both currently and in the past. They are telling stories with the music, that’s why I play the music. If [I’m seeing] any band is playing music, I like to think where I am in that scenario, where the music takes me, whether it’s the Balkan Mountains in the 1930s, or wherever.
For me, psychedelic music has this visual thing that happens, and it’s more a spiritual experience than anything. That’s not to say other music can’t be psychedelic, it can—delta blues can be psychedelic, that 1920s or 30s style blues, that twangy, swampy guitar sounds like a bumblebee coming. That can be psychedelic. It can be soulful and moving. It’s coming from this soulful spot. The music makes us feel, and that’s why we’re drawn to it. And at the end of the day the goal is to translate this visceral experience through sound.
the big three
Game of Thrones: Season 3 Premiere Sunday, March 31st at 9pm on HBO Boobs, swords, midgets, magic, dragons. Boobs, swords, midgets, magic, dragons. Boobs, swords, midgets, magic, dragons. Boobs, swords, midgets, magic, dragons. Boobs, swords, midgets, magic, dragons. Boobs, swords, midgets, magic, dragons. Boobs, swords, midgets, magic, dragons. Need to know anything else?
keep your eye out for.
Rilo Kiley Rkives out april 2
Cold War kids Dear miss lonelyhearts out april 2
These indie rock cutie-pies led by all-around perfect Jenny Lewis broke up back in 2011, as the nation sighed an exasperated sigh. If these kids couldn't make it, who could? Luckily for us, their latest release, Rkives, is a compilation album of previously released rarities and unreleased material, and we'll take anything we can get. Check out "Let Me Back In" and sigh at how cute the music video is. Ah, love springs eternal!
Arguably, Cold War Kids peaked early with their phenomenal 2006 debut album Robbers & Cowards, but have since steadily declined in the quality and originality of their music. But we like to see the glass half-full around here, and keep holding onto hope that they'll surprise with some more awesome tunes. Youtube has a few album teasers, and they sound pretty good to us.
get in our maze
the crossword: super mario world Across 1) Five Yoshi coins gets you a free this 3) BFF Dinosaur 5) The Forest of _____ 7) It’s-a me! 9) The flavor of the 3rd world 10) Dumb jocks 13) Lakitu flies on this and throws shit at you 15) The Princess of this fruit
16) To get to the Special World, you have to beat this world 17) Blargg will be found creeping in this hot, red mess 18) A caterpillar that’s yellow, until it gets mad Down 1) Brother from another plumber 2) Great Demon King Koopa 4) If you look at these guys, they won’t bother you 6) Bowsers minions 7) These are indestructible species of Piranha plants 8) Yellow and purple arch rival of Mario 10) The flavor of the world before Valley of Bowser 11) Getting a feather will give you this 12) This world has levels called “Tubular” and “Groovy” 14) Pokey is the guardian of this type of terrain
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Founders The Brothers Smith, Jeff Dyas, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers Questions? firstname.lastname@example.org Advertising? email@example.com 608.712.0900
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the madlib: April Fools’ day Dude, __1__ just left and I’ve been planning an April Fools’ Day prank that’ll have him shitting in his pants. It’ll be even better than last year, when we convinced him it would be a good idea to __2__ his __3__ to his __4__.
of __12__, but we’ll tell him he’s really eating __13__, which will totally freak him out. After, we’ll take him outside. When he starts getting handsy with strangers we’ll warn him that people are actually __14__, so he shouldn’t touch them. Finally, we’ll lead him to the roof of __15__, where the Okay, are you ready to hear this mind- plan comes to fruition. bending flash of genius? Here’s what we’re going to do: We’re going to make __5__ Once we’re on the roof we’ll let him know kill himself. I’ve been saving these __6__ we’re actually __16__ from __17__, and he’s hits of __7__ I picked up at the __8__ con- destined to save our planet from certain cert I attended last summer just for this oc- destruction. We’ll let him know the only casion. way he’ll be able to save us is by catching a __18__ __19__ that’s supposed to Here’s how we’re going to do it: First, we appear any minute. Just then, we’ll throw need to convince him that he’s actually a an inflatable water toy off the roof, scream 12-foot tall __9__ named __10__. Trust me, “It’s a __20__!” and see him plummet to __11__’s weird, so convincing him won’t be his death. too hard. Once he really starts to feel it, let the games begin. We’ll feed him a bunch It’s going to be so hilarious, man.
1) Name of a man 2) Verb 3) Body part 4) Different body part 5) Same name as 1 6) Number 7) Drug 8) Band or musician 9) Animal 10) Weird name 11) Same name as 1
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12) Food 13) Gross item 14) Futuristic thing 15) Campus building 16) Mythical creature (plural) 17) Imaginary land 18) Color 19) Mythical creature 20) Same as 19
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