Vol. 2, Issue 10
The Black Sheep The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
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10/31/13 - 11/6/13
When I Grow Up, I Want to be a UK Athlete BY: UK Staff Dear diary, When I grow up, I want to be an athlete at the University of Kentucky. Not an astronaut or engineer, those guys have to go to school for like, forever. I want to be a UK athlete, because it’s the best job in the word. When I become a UK athlete, life will be pretty swell. I’ll have purpose on campus, and be pampered for the best four years of my life — if I don’t leave early to make millions of dollars, anyway. When I become a UK athlete I will do well in school despite skipping classes all the time because I will have my own tutor. I could tell teachers I have a game or practice and just flat out skip class to do what I loved, or just sleep more because I’m tired. And if my grades started to slip, I’d have the whole school worried and doing their best to help me lift my grades. Unlike students studying to be doctors or engineers, I’d be an investment — if I dropped out, the university would surely lose millions of dollars. If I were a UK athlete, I’d never have to worry about surviving on a cheap college diet. I’d never have to look at a package of ramen, the dollar menu or wholesale amounts of pudding. No, I’d have a six-course meal every night, and I’d eat five times a day. “He needs his energy, feed him more!” everyone would say. Diary, as a UK athlete, I wouldn’t have to walk anywhere; I’d ride the CATs bus one block and no one would call me lazy. “He’s tired from all that running,” they’d say “If he sprained his ankle on Rose Street, how would that reflect on us?” If a bus wasn’t coming, someone would surely give me a ride because other students would care for me, they’d want to be friends with me. When I grow up to be a UK athlete I’d never live in some shanty apartment. I’d live in the Wildcat Coal Lodge and I’d get to play pool in a red velvet robe whenever I wanted. The people would build a statue of me to stand next to the Joe B. Hall statue. My statue would be high-fiving Joe B. Hall. And they’d have to change the Hall statue to make him grimace in pain because my high fives would be really met.
With my unbelievable skill, my incredible hair, and my super-good high fives, I’d get a lot of fans. No normal student on campus has fans, they just have “friends,” and I wouldn’t need those. My fans would see me walking into the Student Center and they’d all stop to have their picture taken alongside me. They’d put that photo on Instagram and it’d get 1000 likes. Everyone would set up a tent city outside of my room just to be by me. Even the students who don’t watch sports would know who I am. They’d see me walking through campus, towering over them, and they would notice my backpack with my jersey number on it. “Oh, he’s
a basketball player,” they’d think. And suddenly they would start telling everyone that they bleed blue. I’d turn everyone into a fan if I were a UK athlete. You don’t see UK engineers turning people into engineering fans do you? No, and that’s why when I grow up, I want to be a UK athlete. I want to be loved, cherished and pampered, and not have to go to class or walk or eat gross food. Life as a UK athlete is the best life there is, diary, and I can’t wait to be one.
an Intervention for your anti-technology professor
Student Accepts Grandma’s Friends Request
Kentucky Student Takes His (Own) Single Life
peel your eyes away from your computer to say some words to that old man.
Immediately regrets it, just like most decisions.
He sure was a good time, though, that guy.
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Miraculush A man or woman who can hold their liquor beyond any reasonably human level. “The group knew Dino was a miraculush when he crushed a case of PBR before spending the rest of the night ripping shots at a bar.”
It’s gooier inside than you are.
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Last Week’s Answer: Oklahoma State’s Pistol Pete
The Black Sheep
Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @UKBlackSheep and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!
Nose, eyes and mouth absent, this 36th chamber member meets Atlanta rapper with a 36-inch chain.
Last Week’s Answer: Ryan Reynolds Wrap
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United States has Garage Sale “Buy our crap,” says Obama By: black sheep staff
Once again the United States has avoided complete chaos and anarchy by signing into effect a plan to raise the debt ceiling. But with only a few months until we reach the ceiling again, how will the president and Congress raise enough money to help relieve the national debt and boost our economy? There have been many options so far, including globally selling pot and minting a trillion dollar coin, but none of these plans have been even remotely as successful as what the government plans to do over the next few weekends. From 6 a.m. to 2 p.m. on Saturday November 2nd: A United States Garage Sale. Both the House and Senate agree that there’s just too much shit lying around collecting dust in storage facilities around the nation. Here are just a few of the items that are going to be up for sale: One partially used Ark of the Covenant, two hundred ET Super Nintendo cartridges, over 30 models of tanks, John Boehner’s “legendary” box of pornography, nine autographed Obama basketball cards from college, a connect-the-dots book partially completed by President George W. Bush, and three plungers used by William Howard Taft. There will also be a special pre-sale for the 1% of Americans who actually have money to spend on November 2nd, where these big spenders will have first dibs on special items, such as a recovered spacecraft from Roswell (one of three), a signed copy of The Louisiana Purchase, one of Bill Clinton’s saxophones, Davy Crocket’s hat, the title to Detroit, and a complete replica of the space station bathrooms. But what could possibly be better than a national garage sale? Raffle drawings will be held throughout various weekends where you can buy a $1,000 ticket for your chances to win any of the following: Hillary
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Clinton’s golf clubs, Sarah Palin’s wolf-killing helicopter, Dick Cheney’s shotgun, John F. Kennedy’s (somewhat sticky) copy of the Marilyn Monroe Playboy, and much more. There will also be a $1,000,000 ticket drawing, in which prizes include: your name on the Statue of Liberty’s forehead, your face on Mt. Rushmore, your very own Oregon, six tickets to watch the Super Bowl from the Moon, President Andrew “Stoned Wall” Jackson’s private bong collection, and a chance to star in the next Star Wars movie. Those who make purchases of $1,000 will also receive a free $500 deficit bond with a framed, autographed picture of Oprah. There will also be a children’s carnival behind the White House next to the Federal Beer Garden. All purchases will be final, with the exception of nuclear-based arms, which can be returned in thirty days if the product has a factory default. Joe Biden will also have a lemonade stand set up at the front gates, where you can choose from a selection of powdered pink and regular Country Time lemonade. Congress has set a goal of raising thirty gillion dollars, but will settle for one trillion. If the goal is not reached, Congress plans to put up more signs in hopes that more people will show up for the great deals before the holiday season. President Barack Obama has made the comment that “Finally, millions of Americans can help get their country out of debt by giving money for their beloved politicians’ old crap. Of course, all the proceeds will be going to things we said we would provide with taxes.” The official start time of this sale will be released on the ObamaCare website, once it works.
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Stage an Intervention for
the Anti-Technology Professor By: black sheep staff We all have that one professor who simply refuses to take time to learn how to use the interwebs. He never uses PowerPoint during lectures, and he refuses to accept anything other than hard copies of assignments. It’s jacking up your educational aura, and giving you carpal tunnel like a mother. Something must be done.
the balance. It’s important to remember that the anger is just a defense mechanism and it’s perfectly natural. Expect to hear a lot of excuses like his poor, deflated little eyes can’t read a computer. The key is to take the non-confrontational approach. Show as much empathy as you can muster.
When you stage an intervention for your stuck-in-the-sixties prof, you may notice that he goes through stages almost identical to those of grief and loss. The Black Sheep has done some “research” (read: asked our psych major roommate). Here’s how to talk your professor down from the ledge, and edge him into the 21st century.
Bargaining: So your professor has finally let go of that deep-seated rage. He wants to negotiate and you may be tempted to accept the extra credit he offers you to leave his office. DON’T DO IT. The class is becoming unbearable. You’ll only enable your professor if you back down now. “Please, just give me a few more years. I promise I’ll change later.” Your professor is just this side of desperate. Try to ease him into the idea by bargaining back. “Professor, what if you just have a look at Blackboard? No pressure, just click around for a bit. See how easy and organized it is. Yes, yyyessss, see? Feels good, real good huh?”
Denial: This is the stage where your professor will make the most excuses. “I don’t have time to set up Blackboard.”“My current method works just fine.” “It’s your fault if you can’t handle my class structure, and are too ingrained in shaky technology.”Your professor is going to absolutely refuse to hear you out, so your best option is to speak gently but firmly. Tell your professor that it’s expensive to print (unless you’re an English major, but don’t tell them that). Tell him that the paper grade book he’s using is taking up time that he could spend doing something else, like telling his wife he loves her before he sooner-than-later bites the dust, or just grading that quiz we took six weeks ago. Anger: At this point your professor is ready to fail you. “I learned statistics with an abacus and wooden graphite sticks, so why can’t you!” he’ll scream. You have to be extra patient because your GPA hangs in
Depression: Don’t be alarmed if your professor cancels your next class. He’ll be posted up in bed, wiping his tears with his tenure checks. No big deal. This is all a part of the process. You somehow managed to talk him into setting up Blackboard and now he’s hugging his old grade book to his chest. He loved that thing, and now feels like a sellout, a number. Your first assignment is a discussion board response on “why technology has ruined your life.” It’s not a very subtle but your professor is still heavily grieving. Acceptance: It’s been a few weeks and so far things seem to be okay.
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Your seasoned professor is coming to terms with the fact that technology is changing the education system that he loves. It’s an ongoing process but at least you don’t have to borrow your roommate’s printer anymore, or worse: hand writing your assignments. Gag.
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on the Streets If you could be in any movie scene ever, what scene would it be and who would you replace?
“I would want be Angelina Jolie in Mr. & Mrs. Smith when they fight!”
“I’ll be cliché and say I would replace Cinderella!”
“I’d be the girl from Magic Mike in the entire movie.”
Student Accepts Grandma’s Friend Request, Immediately Regrets It
Ways to Succumb to Your Crippling College Debt By: black sheep staff
Most of us have to face this reality: we’re going to be paying for our college debt for the rest of our lives. It’s cool, everybody does it. Nothing to be alarmed about. But you should go into this knowing that, once you pick a school, you’re just another cash cow in the herd. Perhaps it’s best to just give in and never have to worry about paying those bills. At least, that’s what we think, and so we’ve made this list for you. It’s a list that teaches you how to truly succumb to your college debt, giving you the ability to owe them money forever.
By: black sheep staff After a month of debate, freshman Brian Pullman accepted his grandmother’s Facebook friend request last week. Over the past seven days, Pullman has experienced the complete destruction of the flawless public image he meticulously crafted over the past decade. “I could have never anticipated that it would get this bad,” Pullman said dejectedly. “My reputation has completely tanked.” The friend request was sent after Pullman’s nineteenth birthday in September and after mounting pressure from his mother, he finally gave in and accepted her request. “She kept calling me asking why Brian hadn’t accepted the request, and I couldn’t take it anymore,” explained Pullman’s mother. “Finally I called him and asked him if that’s what he wanted his grandma’s last memories of him to be.” Pullman called this move a “cheap shot” and ultimately blames his mother for his social decline. “It was only an hour until I started regretting accepting her request,” Pullman said. “She commented “THIS REMINDS ME OF WHEN YOU WORE MY UNDERWEAR :)” on a picture of me in a bathing suit.” The comment currently has 31 likes and appears to be making a resurgence in the past couple days. When pressed to explain himself, Pullman replied, “I slept over at her house when I was five, and I forgot to bring clean underwear. Can we move on please?” Unfortunately for Pullman, the humiliation didn’t end there. Over the following days, his grandmother went through all of his pictures, liking nearly every one that had a girl in it and occasionally commenting, “HOPE YOU ARE KEEPING IT CLEAN.” Scott Dithery, one of Pullman’s floormates, believes that Mrs. Pullman has revealed who Brian truly is and couldn’t be happier. “I used to be intimidated by that kid, but now he’s not even a blip on my radar,” Dithery said. “Did you hear that he wore his grandma’s panties? Unreal.” “Giving her my email address I the first place resulted
in being forwarded stupid pictures and chain emails every day for three years,” Pullman complained. “Now my Newsfeed is cluttered with shared articles like ‘Obama is the Devil’ and ‘Shingles: An Inside Look.’” He reportedly told her he changed emails last year and gave her a fake to divert the spam, which many called “ethically questionable.” Unfortunately, Pullman made the mistake of not untagging himself in pictures with alcohol. When his grandmother found them she posted, ”LOOKS LIKE YOU’VE BEEN A BAD LITTLE BOY, BUT I WON’T TELL ON YOU.” Unsure of whether to be thankful that he wasn’t going to be ratted out or to be weirded out by being called a “bad little boy,” Pullman commented, “It just sounds too sexual.” “I also don’t think she knows how to turn off her caps lock, which amazes me since she’s had like 40 hours of computer classes at the library,” reported Pullman. Sources indicate that Mrs. Pullman in fact does know how to use caps lock but opts to use it so she sounds “jazzed” online. We reached out to Mrs. Pullman for answers regarding her Facebook activity. After being hung up on four times, because she was having trouble with her “iTelephone,” Mrs. Pullman replied with, “I don’t know what all the fuss is about. The Facebook is just for fun! Brian needs lighten up. Oh, this reminds me of the time he peed his pants and cried about it for a week. It was so cute!” However, the final straw was when his grandmother commented, “IS THIS THE GIRL YOU ALWAYS TALK ABOUT” on approximately 10 pictures of Pullman with various girls. Brian deleted his Facebook yesterday in an attempt to escape the virtual hell that has been licking at his heels for the past week. He can only hope that it all blows over and said he will probably reactivate it in a month or so, but he’ll “definitely be defriending that crazy old bat.”
10.) Find a Nice Corner to Cry in: You’re gonna want a good, 90 degree corner if you can get it; a clean right angle. Optimal weeping location. While you bawl, it would be even better if you could surround yourself with useless college memorabilia, i.e. the ridiculous $25 hat you wore to, like, one football game, your Guy Harvey shirts, and that sweet lanyard you got as a freshman. 9.) Collect Cats: ‘Cause when you’re surrounded by cats, you’re no longer the worst thing in the room. Sure, maybe all that money you owe the institutions is bringing you down, but at least you’re not as bad as cats. That should cheer you up a bit. Remember, those cats ain’t paying the bills. No, no, no, you pay the cats. What with the housing, food, and funny mice being thrown their way, that’s money not being spent paying off your college debt! And the cats won’t ever thank you. They truly believe they are better than you. Your goal of never paying off your loans just got a little bit easier. 8.) Start a Family: Similar to #9, but instead of just dragging cats down with you into that dark, moneyless pit, you’re actually bringing along fellow human beings! Like the things with dreams and aspirations and stuff – you know, the stuff you had before college debt. We’d recommend not bringing others into this world solely so they could inherit your massive debt, but everybody has their vices. No judgment here. 7.) Burn All Your Money: Yep, never gonna pay off that college now, but we all know that wasn’t going to happen anyway. This was the best use of that money. Super cathartic. 6.) Get Addicted to Häagen-Dazs®: Ice cream is the ultimate comfort food. Fake Danish ice cream is basically rapture. Take advantage of the stupid amount of money you don’t have and plunge yourself further into debt. Buy some ice cream and get gorging. You’ll simultaneously feel like absolute garbage and the idea of hedonism condensed into a human shape. 5.) Acquire a Taste for Simple Plan: An anthemic rendition of “I’m just a kid, I know that it’s not fair!” will do wonders for you. And then remind you of the unfeeling, remorseless environment that is the world. Thanks, Pierre. 4.) Embrace Nihilism: Nihilism, the philosophy that defined a generation, is going to help you through these trying times. Well, not really. Nihilism does a very good job of just letting you ignore certain responsibilities. Say someone confronted you for not paying back your loans. You could just retort that the morality attached with paying certain dues is a futile construct of man’s inherent greed. Duh. This wouldn’t do anything about the debt, but you’d be that much crazier. 3.) Tell Everyone You Know that College Is for Suckers: Like in those cigarette ads. “Don’t make the same mistakes I did, kid,” you’d say. “School ruined me for the rest of my life. Stick to your music career.” 2.) Apply for Grad School: Well, now you’ve gone and done it. Way to get yourself back into the loop. At this point, the college has really won. You can just imagine them wringing their hands together, like flies around a money carcass. The flow of revenue you’d be providing them will be stupendous. 1.) Sleep: Forever. Sleep doesn’t judge you. Sleep is your friend. If you sleep enough, perhaps the debt will go away. Yeah. Yeah, maybe. But no. No way it’s that easy. And you’re in for a rude awakening.
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The Black Sheep’s Guide to the 2014
By :B & r qu e in nd n an
Yo H h e er a u e rd
fi rs t!
TOURNAMENT Whew! What a season it’s been! It seemed like just yesterday we were tipping off the 2013-2014 NCAA Men’s Basketball season with a November 8th slate that saw 138 games pitting the nation’s finest young men against each other. The first night’s go-round immediately became the stuff of legend. How could we forget (insert name)’s stellar performance in an unexpected victory over (insert Nov. 8th upset)? Ah, but that was just the first iconic moment in a season that’ll go down in history as one of college basketball’s best ever. And while those early-season games count, it’s important to look at the recently-ended conference tournaments when filling out your brackets in time for March 18th tip-off in bucolic Dayton, Ohio. Heading into the season sports pundits nationwide considered Michigan State the cream of the Big Ten crop, but with their narrow (win/loss) to cellar dweller (Big Ten school) last Sunday in Indianapolis, is this team coming into the Big Dance as frigid as Michigan’s recently-turned winter, or as hot as (female celebrity)’s latest antics? We say it’s safe to plug Michigan State into your elite eight, but be careful, because if things break like The Black Sheep thinks they will, they’ll be facing a hot (mid-major) team that’s been able to smell the blood in the water for these past three months. Now, we’re not saying we see (mid-major) taking down a well-equipped Spartans squad, but if (mid-major) can put up a gutsy fight midway through the second half, (small school)’s shocking upset of (top-5 team) earlier this year shows just about anything can happen in the waning seconds of a college basketball game. But with Michigan State stronger than it’s been in years, the rest of the Big Ten took a step back this year, with only (number) teams ranked in the national top 25 by season’s end. That’s why we turn to Kentucky, Kansas and surprise top-10 team Kansas State when looking at this year’s true title contenders. The KKK Klan, as The Black Sheep has begun calling them, has taken the nation by storm in different ways. John Calipari’s Wildcat krew has white washed opponents’ defense with a fast-paced offense run through (Kentucky player), while Bill Self’s Kansas squad has rallied around (Kansas player’s) season-ending (body part) injury, rattling off (number) straight wins after his year came to a close as he was carted off during the (date) game against (opponent). Yes, these teams have proven they were on a whole ‘nother level — as if they were a superior group of humans out there on the court, forcing the other players into submission.
The Black Sheep predicts the
2014 NCAA All Americans: The real surprise of the season, of course, was Bruce Weber’s Kansas State squad. Unranked at the beginning of the year, these KSU Wildcats have built a reputation as one of the nation’s nastiest teams, starting with their early-season dismantling of (ranked team) in front of a national audience. Sure, (date) and (date) missteps against soft teams (soft team) and (soft team), respectively, leave room for doubt, but no one in Manhattan, Kansas is doubting this squad. Have no hesitation when penciling them in to your sweet sixteen. And though there are clear lottery picks on stacked big-conference teams, how could we leave out the stellar performances put on by (Pacific northwest school)’s scrappy, three-point gunning, defense-savvy point guard, (name)? This (Canadian city)-born tiny tyrant’s scrappy skill set may inevitably fizzle out in the NBA, but don’t think for a second his high basketball IQ, unmatched hustle, and all-American smile won’t gutsy his team to the third weekend of the tournament. He’s dragged his team this far on sheer willpower, and there’s no reason to think he can’t do it again. While Virginia Commonwealth University has been the nation’s darling for the past several seasons, the midseason brawl between coach Shaka Smart and broadcaster (name) that left the booth man hospitalized and the coach suspended indefinitely will surely hurt the Rams’ chances at postseason success. While college basketball fans are divided as to who to blame for the fight, we’ll never forget Coach Smart’s post-fight speech in which he called (name) a “money grubbing, walking penis who knows nothing about basketball.” Barring reinstatement by the university, consider VCU a one-and-done. Of course, we’d be remiss not to mention the (date) tragedy that saw a hot (school) team lose its entire squad and coaching staff in a horrific plane crash just outside of the Charlotte Douglas International Airport. The nation watched as (team)’s plane slam dunked onto the runway instead of on the court. Just when they were playing their best basketball, too. A wracked fanbase and devastated families will never know what kind of high-flying hoopin’ the nation missed out on. National Championship chances don’t come around every day, and you’d hate to miss out on one due to something like this. The Black Sheep will be the first to tell you that a lot can change between Tournament tip-off and the National Championship trophy hoisted high by one team on April 7th in Arlington, Texas. Just know it’s going to be crazy, and you heard it here first.
First Team: G: Last Name, First (School) G: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School)-Deceased F: Last Name, First (School)
Second Team: G: Last Name, First (School) G: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School)
Third Team: G: Last Name, First (School) G: Last Name, First (School)-Deceased F: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School)
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Kentucky Student Takes His (Own) Single Life By: black sheep staff After being unable to obtain a single hookup who would put up with his drunken shenanigans throughout the fall, and with the threat of winter looming, Junior Will Carlson has decided to put an end to his own single life. The decision to enter into a relationship has come as a shock to those close to Carlson, who reportedly had “no idea” his situation had become so dire. Carlson felt like a man who had “run out of options,” according to a note he left behind, along with some tokens of his independent life, including his collection of koozies , a mystery key he used only for shotgunning beers, and “the pants;” all of which he would obviously no longer need. “I just wish he would have told me before he went and did it,” said close friend James Rogers. “I think if I had only known, I would have been able to stop him. I mean, I know plenty of slutty girls he could have hooked up with and then never called again.”
While it is important to take time to mourn the death of independent Will, it is also important to remember to celebrate his single life, no matter how tragically short he decided to end it. According to his friends, independent Will was one the most fun-loving people you could ever hope to meet. “[He} was always down to get drunk,” recalls former classmate Chris Abraham. “One time, during finals week, we said fuck finals and went to Deja Vu instead. He convinced the cab driver to let us bring a keg in the cab, and we tried to drink the whole thing, just the two of us, inside the strip club. We got so drunk that I missed my final the next day, and I had to drop out of Kentucky… but it was totally worth it.” Roommate Jimmy Thompson remembers Carlson similarly. “Any time you were around him was bound to be a fun time. He would get drunk and embarrass himself
every weekend, but do you think that affected him? No. He would come back, get just as drunk, and embarrass himself just all over again. He used to hide in bushes during parties, get completely naked, and run out and tackle someone at the party. No one thought it was really funny except for him, but he didn’t care. Sometimes he wouldn’t even make it home he’d be so drunk. He would walk halfway there and just pass out wherever he happened to be. One time, he woke up on a park bench in front of a church. That probably should have sent him some sort of message.” “I just can’t help but think I should have seen this coming,” said friend Brett Weaver. “In fact, I can’t remember a time where he didn’t completely embarrass himself trying to talk to a girl. It was my favorite thing about him. You could go up to the girl he had been talking to and any fully formed thought sounded like Shakespeare in comparison. It was almost as funny as it was pa-
thetic. So how could you really blame him for sacrificing his independent life for the first girl who wasn’t completely repulsed by him? You know, for most people, girls are like buses; you miss one and another will be along in 15 minutes. But for Will, they’re like buses in another way; there’s only one, and she’s literally like a bus.” While it is sad to see independent Will go, at least we know he is probably in a better
place now. “I just hope that relationship Will can become a better man,” said Rogers. “Obviously, a much less fun man, but better. I would have hoped independent Will and relationship Will could coexist, but of course, a Will divided against itself cannot stand.” When asked about the death of his former self, relationship Will responded, “She says she’s my girlfriend? And that we’re in a relationship? Is that why she won’t leave my apartment? Shit.”
Bartender of the Week Relationship Status: It’s complicated
What’s the stupidest thing you’ve bought off the internet?: A curling iron.
Major: Childhood Studies Favorite Drink: Vodka Favorite Shot: Tequila Disgusting Drink: Dark beer A child’s laughter makes you…: Smile What’s the worst movie you’ve ever seen?: Human Centipede How would you spend $1 million in pennies?: In Vegas – slot machines!?!
Tracy of The Tavern Drinking Game
What is nature’s sexiest animal?: The sloth.
If you had to have a nickname that involved a piece of fruit, what would your nickname be?: “Juicy Mango” What was the most embarrassing thing you did in grade school?: Thought boys had “kooties.” If it wasn’t you, then who was it?: Your mom. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it’s just something you have to do!
Recipe for disaster
Pigskins and Puke
Day of the Dead Deep Fry
With football in full swing, everyone’s weekends are filled with television and cases of Bud Light. Sometimes sitting on your ass all day can get a little boring, so here’s a game to play while watching your team of choice with your buddies.
Even if your trick-or-treating days are over, you’re still bound to stock up on candy on Halloween. After a few days of gorging on the sweet stuff, even the comfort of a Snickers bar becomes mediocre. Here’s a way to add a unique crunch to your Halloween candy.
What You’ll Need: A table, a piece of paper, 20 red cups, 4 pencils, paper and pen to keep score, and some beers (duh). Number of Players: Teams of two, and any hot female friends you have to be cheerleaders. Level of Intoxication: Men don’t puke from a few beers, jeeze.
What You’ll Need: A variety of fun-size candy bars, 1 egg, 1 cup of milk, 1 tablespoon of canola oil, 1 cup flour, 1 teaspoon baking powder, and 4 cups of bubbling oil for deep fried goodness. Cook Time: 15 minutes Fatty Factor: Your time at the gym this semester will be wasted on just one of these.
How to Play: - Two teams stand at opposite ends of the table, with your partner at your side. - Each team takes 10 cups and sets them up like a normal pong game. - Fold the piece of paper into a football like you always did every day in middle school. - One team starts by flicking the football at the cups at the other end of the table. The goal is to either land the football inside the cup or knock one off the table. Once this happens, that team is awarded 6 points. - After a touchdown is scored, the opponents lay down two pencils on the table as goalposts. They can be as close or as far apart as they want (minimum 2 inches apart to be fair). The scoring team has one chance to flick their football to land between the pencils. If they can do so, they earn another point. - The team who was just scored on now has to drink. If the extra point was missed, drink for 6 seconds. If the extra point was made, finish your beer. - Keep playing until all the cups on both sides are gone, removing cups pong-style after someone makes a cup or knocks it off the table. The Game Ends When: All the cups are gone! Add up the points to see who wins.
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Let’s Get Baked: - Freeze your candy bars for a few hours. - Combine the egg, milk and canola oil in a bowl. - In another bowl, combine flour and baking powder. - Pour the wet ingredients into the dry and whisk. Cover and refrigerate for a few minutes. - Heat the 4 cups of oil to 375 degrees in a deep, heavy pot. - Dip the frozen candy bars into the batter then carefully place into the oil. - Cook until golden brown, drain on paper towels and let cool a little bit before stuffing your face. Don’t just stop at candy either. Try Oreos, Twinkies, steaks, leftover pizza. Anything you have.
nomnomnomnom theblacksheeponline.com 11
guess the logo
Do you know the brands that all these labels represent? Send us your answers to email@example.com and if youâ€™re right, youâ€™ll win a sweet prize!
Famous Daves ACROSS 3) Glam rock icon. 4) A book by Charles Dickens, also a sweet magician. 5) Guitarist for Jane’s Addiction and Chili Peppers. 6) Posh Spice’s husband 8) Late-night legend 9) The real person behind Tyrone Biggums 12) Popular techno DJ, who’s real name is Pierre. 13) Founder of Foo Fighters, two words. 14) The Dave in Lady Antebellum 17) He was Under The Table and Dreaming in 1994, two words. 18) David Sedaris’ essay, The what Diaries? Down 1) Author of Infinite Jest, two words.
2) David is the less famous brother of which famous Franco? 4) This Dave was Uncle Joey on Full House 7) Dave Mustaine is the lead singer behind which heavy metal band? 10) This U2 memeber’s real name is David Howell Evans. 11) This David’s TV show is Curb Your what? 15) Dave Thomas founded which fast-food chain? 16) 70s teen heartthrob
m.a.s.h. Best Man: - Louis C.K. - Tim Meadows - Andy Samberg - Nick Offerman
Signature Entree: - Chicken a la king - 7-layer salad - Tuna noodle casserole - Eggplant parmesan
Pulls a Prank by… - Making out with the bride. - Putting ecstasy in the punch. - Releasing 50 kittens onto the dance floor. - Throwing the cake out of the window.
With a Side of… - Dirt dessert - Tequila sunrises - Vegan cornbread - Xanax
Maid of Honor: - Aubrey Plaza - Ellen DeGeneres - Kristen Wiig - Fran Drescher
Cheesy Cover Band: - Dread Zeppelin - Mandonna - Nudist Priest - AC/Dshe
Highlight of her speech is… - Your threesome with a hooker. - Getting tattoos last night. - Doing coke with Bill Clinton. - Streaking in the cafeteria junior year.
Performing your first dance… - “Whatta Man” - “Frosty the Snowman” - “I Am The Walrus” - “C.R.E.A.M.”
LET US PREdict
your future How to Play: Doodle some lines on the page until someone, or your brain, tells you to stop. Take the number of lines and go down the list, and cross off every time you get to your number. Where there is one left in each catetory, that is your future. Yeah, you remember this from elementary school - don’t pretend like you don’t.
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