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F*** it Fridays

The Black Sheep brings you...

“Because you know you checked out on Wednesday...”

Friday, April 15th, 2011 ISSUE 15

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am i the only one... who hates all these damn 5-hour energy commercials

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Top 10 best and worst fast food foods

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www.theblacksheeponline.com

Mammoth mistake please don’t let this happen, i beg of you!

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wine guide well, a college wine guide, so you know, it’s ok.

Ask A Ginger UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS quinn wrote this

As a member of THE most oppressed race on this planet, I know that many of you know very little about what a horrible life it is to be ginger. Therefore I am taking your questions and answering them with that classic ginger-honesty you’ve all heard of. Do you pee fire? Yes, but that has nothing to do with my hair color. Are you afraid of the sun? From ages 0-13 I had to wear a t-shirt in the pool. Would you be afraid of something that gave you blisters if you were exposed to it for longer than 4 hours? Yeah that’s what I thought. Was that ginger South Park your favorite moment in television history? Absolutely not. That show educated my entire school on how to hate me and my ginger brethren. Before that everyone was fine hating Mexicans and handicaps, then all of a sudden their attention turned towards me. Do you have a soul? Where do you keep the souls you steal? No. It might mean I can’t feel love, but in that case I can’t feel hate. Actually I hate all the time, all I feel is hate. When I steal souls I eat them and shit them out. I don’t get any satisfaction out of doing it – I just do it. Will I burst into flames if I look directly into your eyes? Sometimes I begin to feel kind of hot when I look at myself in the mirror. So maybe. I know people say my eyes are red, which probably means if you look into my eyes you look into the fiery abyss that stands in for my soul. You might burst into flames, but it probably depends on how good of a person you are. Do the carpets match the drapes? Wow, thanks for bringing back a whirlwind of playground abuse. Yes, is

it really that hard to do the fucking math? Does it make sense that one part of my body has different colored hair than the rest? Does your mom ever remind you of how disappointed she is in you for being the way you are? My mom is also a ginger. I think she is more disappointed in herself for bringing another one of us into the world. For a couple years she tried to beat the redhead out of me, but gave up soon enough and locked me in the basement. Has a barber ever refused you service? If I don’t cut my own hair and stuff it into people’s pillows, I’ll go to any old hair salon. My hair always intrigues the poor ex-hot girls cutting my hair. They love hair, and it’s all they want to talk about. They compare cutting my hair to shearing a sheep, and ask all of these questions. And then we have sex. Are you going to get a vasectomy because you don’t want to risk bringing another ginger into this world? First, let me get back to my point-- if you asked ANY of these questions to another race you would be crucified. Second, yes. Did you know it’s rumored that redheads are more sensitive to temperature and pain, while being slightly immune to anesthesia? I don’t want to put anyone through this life. If black people-- being darker -- means they have huge wangs, what does that say about someone who has lighter skin pigment than most? It says exactly what you think. I have a tiny wang, it’s like a scared turtle that only comes out twice a day for food. Is Carrot Top your spiritual leader? How dare you? Do you think Lewis Hallam, Jr. was a spiritual leader for black people? Carrot Top, Wendy (if Wendy’s), Kathy Griffin – just to name a few – are all icons glorifying red-headed stereotypes and should be banned! One day us gingers will unite, and you’ll all feel the brunt of our fiery tempers and sexual appetites!


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Top 5 Best and Top 5 Worst Fast Food Items Am I the Only One Who Hates 5-Hour Energy Commercials? bailey wrote this michigan state university

With the recent exposure of fast food giant Taco Bell and its use of Grade Z “meat,” college students everywhere have been forced to ask themselves a few questions: “How cheap is too cheap? And what does too cheap taste like?” I once thought I knew what too cheap tasted like, but it turns out my tongue was actually experiencing “rich” and “rare” tastes—it said so on the bottle. And although meat-from-a-tube and 2% real cheese sound pretty atrocious, they’re also pretty under-a-dollarious. So in the age of fast food being a fast fix for hunger, which missteps are crucial to avoiding a night of hugging porcelain and which will leave you with love in your tummy?

There are so many reasons for one to hate these commercials; it’s difficult to know where to begin. Perhaps it’s because they send the message that it’s not only acceptable, but encouraged to consume bottles of 5-hour Energy every time an everyday task seems daunting. Waking up, taking care of your children (if they exist), working out, etc. Like, ugh, the humanity.

The Worst 5. Anything from Long John Silver’s: Seriously. I love seafood, but this is just a roll of the dice every time. Except in this scenario the dice are loaded and you’re betting the health of your small intestine. Fast food is risky enough; fast seafood is just dumb.

After Whiney Houston quits her bitchin’ and gets out of bed, she makes her way to the kitchen where she debates making coffee, but ultimately decides it’s too much of a hassle. She continues to the fridge and opens the door to find the key to any normal human being’s success-- 5-hour Energy.

3. The McGriddle: I realize there are actually a decent amount of people in America who like the McGriddle, but there are probably an equal amount of people who think Ron Popeil is the greatest inventor ever. The McGriddle is what Ronald McDonald shits out in the morning after a night of abusing cocaine and maple syrup.

One commercial begins with a shot of this whiny, worthless woman lying in bed when the alarm clock goes off. She tosses and turns, and the complaining begins: I don’t wanna workout this morning. Shouldn’t there be a law against sweating before 9 a.m.? …Blah, blah, blah, I’m a dirty tramp.

I’m no doctor, but I’m pretty sure it’s not healthy to slam a miniature bottle of liquid chemicals prior to any exercise regimen. If that’s what you need to get fired up before a workout session, your quality of life is questionable at best and you should probably consult a physician. Another one of their genius commercials opens with somedouchey guy holding the bottle of 5-hour Energy in his hand as he’s walking around an office building.The camera pans to all of the different employees yawning and looking useless,and then the camera shoots back to D-Bag Jones who mutters their famous tagline, “You know what 2:30 in the afternoon feels like.”

Uh, yeah, it fucking feels like 2:30. Is this supposed to have some larger significance? Is that their guess as to what time most people feel most tired during the day? There is zero science to support that. Screw you and your fake facts, 5-hour Energy. The final commercial I’d like to address is one that begins with your typical suburban soccer mom opening the door, holding her bags of groceries while her kids are runningamok, bouncing balls, and acting like shitheads. She opens a cupboard chock full of 5-hour Energy and pulls out her trusty bottle with a sigh of relief, explaining that it’s the only way she can get through her two jobs.

First of all, her grocery bags are like, two small brown paper bags with a baguette sticking out of one. I call bullshit. No one uses paper bags anymore, and if they do, it’s for a fifth of cheap whiskey. Second of all, her husband is just sitting on his ass while the kids are running wild—maybe this lady wouldn’t need two jobs if her deadbeat husband got off the couch and helped out. The woman eventually plops down onto the couch next to him, saying that 5-hour Energy was the one thing he has ever been right about. I hate to break it to ya lady, but your unemployed loser of a husband sounds like a real tool. In fact, he’s cheating on you while you’re working all of these jobs.

I suppose I can’t judge these people too much because I drink coffee like it’s my job, but at the same time, coffee beans come from the earth. What ingredients go into a 5-hour Energy? Charlie Sheen’s tears, rat poison, and berry flavoring, I presume.

4. The KFC Double Down: What is this you ask? Could it be the power move of a wrestler from Kentucky? Perhaps a maneuver used during a threesome? No, it’s just two pieces of chicken with bacon and cheese between them. Let’s be honest, if you are even thinking about ordering, and consuming, this “sandwich,” you should immediately pause and examine where you are in life. The only acceptable consumers of the Double Down should be dingoes and people from Texas.

2. Taco Bell Beefy Crunch Burrito: I will admit that this idea is solid in theory: a bunch of Taco Bell’s crappy meat, synthetic cheese, and some spicy Frito chips. Genius! However the head chefs over at T-Bell, Dan-Dan and Frenchie, didn’t factor in just how juicy their meat is (go ahead … laugh at “juicy meat”). This results in a bunch of soggy Fritos in taco meat and one very disappointed stomach. 1. The McLobster: If you would even consider eating this, you deserve to get food poisoning and McVomit.

The Best 5. McDonald’s Breakfast: Arguably the best product of Western Culture, Macdo’sbreakfast is full of greasy, delectable sandwiches, biscuits, and burritos. From the Sausage McMuffin to the classic hash browns, the only thing one should avoid is the McGriddle (see: “worst”).

4. Whopper Jr.: The Whooper Jr. is the one area in which BK trumps McDonald’s. Their fries are subpar, their sandwiches are overpriced, yet the Whopper Jr. for a dollar beats the shit out of the McDouble, especially because McDonald’s just took a piece of cheese off of it. Not to mention the Whopper Jr. comes with onions and tomatoes, so it doesn’t taste like you’re eating a dog treat. 3. Frosty: Wendy’s holds it down in the ice cream department with the classic Frosty treat. I remember as a child believing that a Frosty could cure just about any degree of pain or sadness. If you don’t like Frosties, then fuck you.

2. Mountain Dew Baja Blast: The dark horse of the list is a soft drink, yet when you think about it, it makes perfect sense. Who goes to T-Bell and doesn’t get Baja Blast? It’s like eating out the Chiquita Banana lady. 1. The Baconator: Ah yes, the Baconator-- the shining beacon of American unhealthiness. Eating one Baconator is equivalent to the following in health repercussions: Smoking an entire carton of cigarettes, eating two AA batteries, drinking anti-freeze, and watching 17 minutes of Access Hollywood. However, the melody of tastes you’ll experience will put you in cholesterol-saturated heaven. Warning: do not eat before a night of drinking. Mass amounts of bacon and alcohol will cause brain hemorrhaging.

Alex Everard wrote this michigan state


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Don’t Make That Woolly Mammoth! mammoth mistake wrote this For years I’ve heard about new developments that would make it possible to bring a woolly mammoth back to life. Apparently, scientists found a well-preserved mammoth in Siberian permafrost.

By what can only be explained as the grace of God, this upholstered elephant is still in good enough condition to perform scientific voodoo on. The plan is to take its preserved nuclei, inject them into an elephant’s egg cells, and put the resulting embryo into said elephant. Then, after an adequate gestation period, bam! That there’s a woolly mammoth you got yerself. Initially, the idea sounds amazing. You’re saying we can take a creature currently extinct and make it real? We can once again see it in all its majestic, woolen beauty? What are you waiting for, impregnate that elephant! But not so fast. I’ll tell you why we can’t have this mammoth roaming the earth. It’s because I’m sick of all these species of animals having bigger penises than me.

The feeling started when I was six and visited Spring Mist Farms. I had always enjoyed seeing the large, clumsy horses trot about and listening to them make various neighs and snorts. That was until my young, innocent eyes wandered between the legs of a wellendowed stallion. I didn’t fully grasp why I should be ashamed, but there was no denying that when I looked down on the crotch of my Lee Dungarees and didn’t see even a hint of a bulge I was overcome with an intense feeling of humiliation. There’s no doubt in my mind the horse I saw that day would look like My Little Pony next to a full grown male mammoth. As for a woolly mammoth’s penis, I can only assume it’s both woolly and mammothy. Erect, we’re probably talking the size of three morbidly obese housecats laid end to end.

I simply cannot handle knowing I was knocked one spot further down the list of species’ penis size. A penis is a man’s pride and joy.

VOCAB!

Here is an amazing word for you to learn, memorize, and use on a daily basis. Try it out and see what happens!

It’s one thing that will never leave us and is always up for a good time. Hell, it’s largely all I’ve got. Since that trip to the farm, I can’t help but notice the size of every animal’s manhood. Let me tell you, there is a disturbingly large quantity that is greater than or equal in magnitude to mine. Even my dog looked like it was on the path to surpassing my dangle before it was neutered and everything down there shriveled up like a grape in the afternoon sun.

It should come as no surprise that I can’t go to the zoo anymore. It’s always enormous elephant penis here, massive rhino penis there, look out! there’s a zebra phallus, and duck! you almost got decapitated by a giraffe pecker. All of these collectively create the most demoralizing feeling known to man. Adding one more sexually potent creature would just be the straw that broke the wellhung camel’s back. There is not a single argument someone could put forth to justify a mammoth’s existence because a mammoth is incapable of doing enough positive things to outweigh the mental burden its genitals would put on me. I’d imagine a day in the life of the mammoth would be as follows: wake up, eat some grass, spend hours upon hours cleaning its matted fur, gore a few animal keepers with its enormous tusks after making its daily enraging realization that it is literally alone in this world, then probably sleep due to the onset of severe depression. Boy oh boy, that sure sounds like a validated life. It would be so bored and full of pent-up sexual tension that it might just resort to masturbating incessantly. That’s a worst case scenario, because that amounts to the nonstop rubbing of the disparity between my penis and his right in my face. I know any man will agree with my feelings on this woolly mammoth resurrection. For you ladies that don’t understand, how about you imagine scientists just uncovered a well preserved “bigbreastosaurus” capable of being brought back to life. Yeah, good luck telling yourself your B-cups are good enough now.

Methadome Definition: Receiving oral sex from a drugged-out hooker or stripper. Sentence: “Bambi had some crazy track marks, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t give some bomb methadome.”


Restrained Elegance: Justin Gawel’s College Wine Corner

justin - michigan state

Wine: A topic that tends to elude even the most academically engaged college student. Solution: Justin Gawel’s College Wine Corner. Use this guide as a reference and tour guide through the vast wine country that is the city of East Lansing. The next time you’re savoring a glass of one of these favorite college selections, be sure to interject one of these enlightening descriptions. It’s a surefire way to impress, as well as demonstrate the capabilities of your mind grapes.

Franzia-Merlot A medley of poor choices and embarrassment titillates my pallet. Franzia’s Merlot has a bold flavor that is perfect for drinking straight from the bag. Contains hints of oak, driftwood, and vomit. Wait, I think that puke is coming from the other way… perfect for complementing chicken, veal, and Plan B. MD 20/20 –Banana Red Although this doesn’t come from a traditional vineyard in the sense that it’s actually a low-end fortified wine made in a filthy factory in western New York, it still bears a resoundingly sweet taste with overwhelming flavors of grain alcohol and sugar. A rather contemporary “Bum Wine,” if you will. Banana Red is ideal for accompanying a heroin addiction and sadness.

Yellowtail-Shiraz The large-sized jug speaks to the frugal and economical mind in us, while the dark bottle and bold logo speak to the elegance and sophistication we desire to personify. A rich blend of dark fruits with a smidgen of cream is perfect when entertaining underage co-eds, while also flexing your intellectual prowess on the subject of wine. Try with swordfish, sushi, and statutory rape charges. Herding Cats Chardonnay-Viognier A South African fusion of old and new-flavors of expression, rugby and Apartheid will tango across your taste buds in a choreographed number that truly deserves Tony consideration. With hints of chestnut, sage, and social hostility, you’ll swear that you can almost hear a vuvuzela. Pair it with pasta or a culture of crime for that authentic South African flavor that would make Nelson Mandela himself swoon. Thunderbird An all-American classic that’s as patriotic as fireworks, apple pie, or war. With its roots in mostly urban locales, this modestly priced beverage tickles the pallet with a milieu of garden flavors as well as the unmistakable aroma of unleaded gasoline. Wonderful counterpart to fried food and your favorite Bone Thugs-n-Harmony mix.

Medieval Movies

Martin Lawrence starred in which terribly-rated 2001 film that revolved around him working at a scummy Medieval theme park?

Franzia-Sunset Blush Airier, crisper, and all around charmingly sweet. Sunset Blush has a pungent aroma that perpetually reminds us of hiking a mountain, our carefree summers abroad, or that one Wine Wednesday we threw up in a taxi. Complement the natural fruit cocktail essence of this wine with the refreshing flavor of a fruity cock. Boone’s Farm- Blackberry Ridge Speaks to the country boy in all of us. The waning summer sun dipping behind the tree line, the dogs rustling through the thicket, and my alcoholic grandfather stammering about how he needs more of his “fun-juice” while my grandmother sobs quietly in the distance. An array of fruity flavors is sweet to the lips and a perfect complement to a lifetime of abuse and neglect.

Well, there you have it—a complete (college) guide to wine for the aspiring connoisseur in all of us. Now go get drunk and tell us what you think!

answers are a few from here

In the film Princess Bride, what does Buttercup’s farmhand always say when she asks him to do something?

Which 2005 Tony Awardwinning musical was influenced by Monty Python and the Holy Grail?

Since the 1900s, how many different film and television series have been made worldwide about the character Robin Hood?


REPORT CARD MOVIE REVIEW title:

Your Highness

Danny McBride, James

name(s): Franco, Natalie Portman synopsis:

D O

What could’ve been a great, medieval Pineapple Express ends up as a terrible medieval Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle, with boys.

Movie Trivia Answers: 1. Black Knight 2. “As you wish!” 3. Spamalot 4. Spamalot

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CD REVIEW Name: TV on the Radio

TITLE: Nine Types of Light overview:

O D+

Break-ups aren’t fun, especially if it’s with a decent guy. But that’s just the thing: why would you want to be with someone who’s just decent? Sure, they are sweet, have a cool hairdo, and make you Mac’n’cheese when you’re drunk, but you can do better. So TV on the Radio don’t do any of those things for me, but their latest album Nine Types of Light reminds me of an unfortunate break-up with a decent guy. Per usual, things started out just fine at first, albeit a bit dull, with everything going smoothly. But then you get antsy, anxious, and totally over it, and you have to be the bitch who breaks up with the nice guy. Wah, wah.

Click HERE for the rest of the review!

Click HERE for the rest of the review!

BOOZE REVIEW

BEER REVIEW

Name: Rainforest Spirits TITLE: Vodka suggestions:

O B-

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Coke – ASprite – BStraight up – B Eye-shot – D Butt-shot – C+ Out of your mom’s bellybutton – F+

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Name: Dark Horse Brewing Co. TITLE: Too Cream Stout

PRICE: $2.39/Bottle

O B+

the beginning: I’ve had a dark horse or two, and I always give their section a once-over in the liquor store. Based on the contents of my last six pack, I must have been in a foul mood. If you’ve been paying attention you know it’s all been dark beers (plus one mafia-related lager) and this one takes the emo cake with a moody line drawing and avant-garde name. “Too” what is that? Oh, I see… Apparently it’s part of their spectatcular stout lineup: One, Too, Tres, Fore, and Plead the 5th. Well isn’t that cute- good thing I’m not a completist or I’d have to stop by the store and buy the rest. On a totally unrelated note, I’m going to take a short break and come back to finish the review.

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F It Friday April 15th