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Volume 1, Issue 3 | 9/29/11 - 10/19/11
“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”
WINTER IS COMING!
Molly Carpenter wrote this
Look out, non-Midwesterners. It’s coming. All of you who blanched in horror when your friends told you the temperature can get down to negative 50 degrees, all of you who are discovering the need for sweaters, brace yourselves. A front is blowing into town, and its name is Cold. And it’s not just passing through- it’s here to stay for a long, long while. Bears hibernate. Birds escape. But for us students, there is no reprieve. We must fight for our survival against nature.
winter two-step), or courageously push through the frigid winds, relying on only themselves and the aid of North Face for protection.
It’s September when the first ominous clouds roll in, blocking the sun’s rays and threatening rain. The kids from Texas step outside and remark, “Whoa, it’s gettin’ kinda cold,” while chuckling nervously and adjusting their ten-gallon hats. You see a glint of worry in their eyes, and all they want to do is run back up to their room and grab their coats they ordered online from the North Face, but they bravely move forward in order to blend in with the natives. “Suck it up, suck it up, suck it up,” they think to themselves, for they’ve heard it gets much worse, and if they can’t make it through September, what hope have they?
Those unfortunate people who have never been exposed to such inhospitable conditions have no knowledge of how to protect themselves and their limbs. But by careful observation of Midwestern natives, they can gain insightful tips on how to keep their toes from turning black and falling off. They will initially notice the preponderance of the aforementioned North Face merchandise, a vital component of any student’s winter getup. The necessary items to purchase are the signature black fleece pullover, ski gloves, a sleek black cap, a subtly fashionable scarf, wool socks, a ski jacket that’s not too puffy and boots. Then there are the heavy duty items for those really wanting to go all out: sunglasses or ski goggles to prevent snow blindness, snow pants (which are admittedly a 90s thing, but can still be found under the guise of cooler names related to skiing, because nobody likes wet pants), hand warmers, a ski mask and some long johns. Amazingly enough, all of these items can be worn at the same time.
The cold has no regard for the people in its path of icy death. It chills to the bone, afflicting all with goose-bumps and bright red (or black) extremities. It will soon descend upon the Iowa State campus with an almighty “whoooosh!” and all non-Midwesterners will shield their faces and whimper as it nips at their faces. They will be faced with two choices: either defenselessly stand around waiting for the CyRide to keep them warm with the body heat of 500 others smashed up against them, which will require much stamping of feet and walking around in small circles while they wait (I call it the
After thoroughly outfitting themselves to weather the weather, winter virgins turn to all the other aspects of living that could all stand a little warming up. They will undoubtedly need to send home for that heavy wool blanket made by their great-grandmother that they felt bad about taking initially but now no longer care what happens to it or on it, as long as it keeps them from freezing to death in their sleep. They then will realize their need for hot chocolate, but find they can’t buy any because by this point they’ve emptied their bank accounts. Damn the cold!
04: Advice for Bros
First, stop being such a bro.
06: Red Light, Green Light
Dating isn’t a game, people. Unless you’re a player.
13: Painfully Obvious Interview Tips
Hey, someone’s got to help stimulate the economy.
Page 07 Take Your
Page 16 Laundromat
Zombie to Work Day Hey, brains are pricy, and you have to feed your zombie.
What Your Major Says
That philosophy degree should come with directions to the nearest unemployment line.
The Best in Party Pics See if you made the cut...or didn’t, and cry softly... Russian Roulette Doing laundry is boring, but doing laundry with a group of people is just horrible.
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Word of the week Shapeshipster:
Canolas Jest Thorns
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Submit your own word! firstname.lastname@example.org
Definition: A guy or girl who is far too eager to fall prey to a new trend. Sentence: “Brett used to wear his Von Dutch hat to be cool, then he wore his ironic shirt to be cool, now he wears his Von
Dutch hat and his ironic shirt to be uncool, which is now cool. He’s such a Shapeshipster."
Some no-nonsense, cut-the-b.s. advice for Bros
DOWNLOAD OUR iPHONE OR ANDROID APP AND STAY ENTERTAINED ALL YEAR LONG, NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE...SERIOUSLY, YOU COULD BE STUCK DRIVSomebody wrote this ING YOUR STUPID ROOMTHEY ARE EVERYWHERE. Seriously, it’s like Iowa State decidMATE AROUND AND REed to import 2000 offspring of Tommy Hilfiger and the Situation to school this year. What, is there a lifetime shortage ALLY NEED TO READ ABOUT of Axe and Natty Light so people are just buying them up in bulk? Does this new generation of dudes have extremely THE BEST "NEW" PLACE sensitive necks so they must wear polos all the time? Are all guys confused and think that this is boating school instead of TO STICK YOUR FINGERS, college? I find myself asking “what the HELL is he wearing?” on a daily basis. Let us break down a Bro into his most basic AND WE'VE GOT YOU COVbuilding blocks to try and understand this new production of idiots. ERED. YOU COULD BE SITTING AT A LAME ACCOUNTLook at yourself right now. Do you have a polo on? Does it have a logo right above your left nipple? Is it a neon color? ING STUDY SESSION AND Well, you might just be effeminate, or you’re on the fast track to looking like a grade-A douchenexus. Also in the same Aside from the attire, one needs to comment on the typical realm of looking like a grenade-pounding toolbag is a fitted Bro activities. They generally involve throwing some sort of KNOW THAT THE ONLY WAY tank top that probably bears the name of your organization unconventional object around. Bros are obviously too cool TO LIGHTEN THE MOOD IS or ultimate Frisbee team. I’m sorry, were you trying to show to waste their precious little free time (when they’re not off your hideous farmers tan and unsightly armpit hair? Were drinking or failing out of Calc 2) on an athletic sport, such as you attempting to show all the ladies how cut you are? Be- basketball or football. No, they have to participate in “chill” WITH A STELLAR DRINKING cause I know you don’t go to the gym; take one look at your activities. Examples of sports that can be played while high GAME, AND GUESS WHAT, scraggly-ass arms and everyone else will know it, too. Suck it and “chilling” are disc golf, Frisbee and bags. You don’t acup, get some sleeves, and stop pretending you’re Vin Diesel. tually have to do anything except move your arm a tiny bit, WE HAVE THAT TOO. AND AT and you get to compete in something, which of course is the The next step is your pants/shorts. Are they khaki? Or some main objective for all guys anyway. Because showing someTHE END OF THAT SESSION version of multicolored khaki? Salmon perhaps? For some rea- one that you can throw a disc 500 feet means that you are son it is trendy now to wake up and think, “I want to look like great in bed, obviously. WHEN YOUR WEIRD PARTNER a mentally handicapped fish today, time for some pastel shorts.” You look like “So take off the idiotic look- The final calling card of a Bro is his WHO IS ALWAYS MAKING A blatant parade of alcoholism. Bros the dullest crayon in the box, jackass. Just throw on some sweatpants because ing shoes and replace them drink on all nights of the week, dis- MOVE ON YOU PASSES OUT regarding any tests, homework or we all know that is the best way to hide actual work they may have to do with some Chucks...” your tiny penis. WITHOUT ANY PANTS ON, the next day. Phrases like “I raged YOU CAN SNAP A PIC AND Next…the shoes. Oh dear god, the shoes. The typical “Bro” so hard last night” or “Man, I got super shitty this weekend” shoe used to be Birkenstocks…you know those hippie, granola are a common occurrence among the Bros, each one trying to natural sandals that mold to your feet? Decently understand- one up the other on their spiraling train towards an alcohol- SEND IT STRAIGHT TO PARable footwear. But now, there is an abomination that has drowned hell. Of course, none of the Bros would admit that swept college campuses everywhere. It is a horror of horrors. they actually have a drinking problem, because this is col- TY PICS FROM YOUR PHONE. They go by the name of Sperry’s. These shoes are originally lege, and everyone drinks like that, right? (Note: WRONG. YOU HAVE A PROBLEM. Everyone does not drink like that. Get OH YEAH, WE HAVE ALL THE made for boating; sturdy, rubber soles, breathable. help before you die, dumbass.) The beer of choice for Bros is Understandable for the high seas, but put them on land and most likely pisswater mixed with hops and battery acid (see: BAR SPECIALS, TOO. DID WE you look like you’re walking in a whipped cream and caramel Natty Light) because no matter how bad it tastes, it will get FORGET TO MENTION THAT? cake of stupid. Seriously, the color combinations on these you just as drunk. And, in addition, just as fat. Surprise, beer shoes scream “I’m obnoxious” in the most obvious way pos- actually has calories, and all of the drunken sex in the world SEE HOW HANDY WE ARE? sible. To top that off, they are worn without socks, so your will not get rid of that beer gut you gained over the last four feet are bound to smell after wearing that rubber Ziploc bag years, tiger. SEARCH: BLACK SHEEP on your feet all day. In short: you are not a pirate. Nor are you a professional sailor. You probably have never even set So I guess what I’m trying to say here is read the article. MOBILE AND GET HAPPY. foot on a boat. So take off the idiotic looking shoes and re- Evaluate yourself. Does this sound like you? If so, consider place them with some Chucks, buddy.
making some significant life changes in the near future.
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red light, green light Merritt Rethlake wrote this Proven to have been formed while sitting at a red light in a ‘96 Ford Taurus and jamming out to Simple Plan, this idea of “red light, green light” has taken over the relationship realm leaving a detrimental wake in its path. I would’ve loved to be there for that extensive thought process; a courtship between a man and a woman is so multi-faceted, intimate and mysterious. What could be a possible analogy that would properly encapsulate such an extraordinary relationship? I know! A stoplight.
gets shot. Innocence is replaced by mere confusion and loss of the senses. The wing woman has flown the coop and next thing you know, a Taylor Swift party playlist is used as camouflage leaving the timid doe trapped into thinking that college guys do want the girl who’s on the bleachers and cries all over guitars.
Sharp Turn: There’s nothing better than a healthy, stable relationship. Your girlfriend encourages you to go chill with your bros – slap each other’s butts, “fucking own” at COD or whatever it is boys do. You forgot to call her? Nbd, she’s over it and is actually It seems easy enough, doesn’t it? Red light means you’re in a relationship. Green means you’re single. And yellow…well, that’s in the middle of making you a plate of sandwiches. She’s cute and smart and chill with everything you do. And then you get the another anomaly in itself. A GPS taking you to Black Out City text. “Can we talk?” Delete. Later confronted you say, “What won’t solve all your problems so thank goodness we have other text, baby? My phone’s been acting so weird lately.” Then you means of guidance while taking a joyride on the crazy road of get the voicemail. Yikes. Put that one off till the weekend. But love. then the weekend comes and, like a sharp turn, she comes out of nowhere screaming at you in front of your house about how Roundabout: While they seem to move traffic along, we all you forgot her sister’s cat’s birthday. And where does that put know you could be stuck forever, wheeling around an endless circle. “You guys, I swear he’s different! He’s not like every other you tomorrow? Slouching on your couch, eating Indian food, tears guy. He texts back like, so fast! And he always Facebook chats me streaming down your face as you listen to Daughtry. first!” Whether or not we’ll admit to being victims ourselves, we at least have a friend we’ve heard this line from multiple times. No Parking, From Here to Curb: Your night’s going great when all of a sudden you’re confronted with a shack attack, and It’s horrible and never-ending, like new singles from Daughtry you’ve already hit your regret ceiling. You just have to spell it or the repercussions you feel after eating Indian food. This boy out for ‘em. “Go. Just go. Out of my room. Out of my house. Off you’re talking to is not different, and neither are you. Why? Because he’s still a guy, and you’re still a girl. Vicious. Effing. Cycle. my lawn. Go down that street, hang a left and you’ll hit Super Dog. Give it about another six blocks, and you should be good.” Where’s ISU Parking Division when you need them? (Probably Deer Crossing: The look a girl gets in her eyes as she crosses ticketing your ‘96 Taurus.) the threshold of her first real college party is dangerously comparable to the look Bambi gets in his eyes right before his mother
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Take Your Zombie to Work Day
Every year in October, one of the greatest holidays ever created occurs. For one day a year, the macabre and grotesque are socially acceptable. For those few who actually participate in it, the heightened danger is not enough to kill this holiday. It’s not Halloween, like many of you readers think. That other October fiesta is filled with drinking and dressing up. I’m talking about the one and only “Take Your Zombie to Work Day” movement. Most people don’t know about this, and it’s a crying shame. Celebrated in remote parts of the world including Egypt, Mexico, Cuba and Utah, this holiday brings out the inner undead fan in all of us. It began ten years ago in Southern Florida when a deranged man kept his wife’s body long after she passed away. Residing in a retirement home, holiday originator W. H. Alter Wyatt found that distinguishing the dead from the living was impossible. Choosing to have his wife become a natural zombie, he allowed her to die, only to awaken her the second her body went cold. Ever since, each October 19 is marked by bringing a zombie to his/her workplace for the day. Fortune 500 companies unsuccessfully tried to put a stop to this holiday, which is now an honored day off for the US Postal Service. For some communities, this becomes a festival all its own. In Great Falls, Montana for example, activities are arranged for the undead while their owners continue working. Popular games include “Brains, Brains, Brains!” and a form of the game tag where one uninfected person must survive for 15 minutes alone with the creatures and avoid being bitten. In the holiday’s birthplace, Belle Glade, Florida, zombies are auctioned off for charity, while the proceeds go toward research for a cancer cure. The night of the festival, Miami usually throws a parade. All owners beam as their pets plod and lurch down the beach district. This, however, is no longer practiced. In 2007, while campaigning for her Vice—Presidency, Sarah Palin and husband Todd joined closeted human hunter Vice President, Dick Cheney in the sport of eliminating the dangerous pet. When reprimanded by local police, Cheney recited a quote from years earlier in his career. “My belief is we will, in fact, be greeted as liberators.” When the Washington Post caught his repeated quote, Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama jumped in. While not exactly defending Cheney, he steered the conversation back to the topic of those who lost their undead
Someone you know is planning her future.
adam carver wrote this companions. It turned out to be quite the nightmare for Miami. This year, Iowa State is getting involved in the festivities. The university, well known for its support of all kinds of diverse ventures and events, has sanctioned Jack Trice Stadium for an all day “Take Your Cyclone Zombie to School” Day. Zombies will be given free reign of the football field while owners stand by, watching from the stands. Members of a fraternity here on campus have volunteered to maintain order and prevent any potentially infected beings from spreading the virus to others. They will be joined by the Iowa State and Ames police to ensure a large enough containment team is in place for the entire event. This is only the third time a university has tried to participate in such a strictly controlled meeting of the undead. PETA attempted to shutdown the protests of animal testing at Maryland Institute of Veterinary Technology during the first university celebration four years ago. What unfolded was an outbreak that forced the school and those quarantined to be nuked. Last year, University of Nebraska at Lincoln was forced to eliminate a tenth of its freshman when the infection spread to three separate orientation classes. But Iowa State University is confident that this will be the first successful “Take Your Zombie to Work/School” Day. For those who attend, there will be food provided for pets, but not for humans. The Fighting Burrito will, however, be offering a 10% discount for those who do not wish to be in attendance. The event will run from 11:00AM to 7:30PM at Jack Trice Stadium. Zombies are required to be registered with the Center for Disease Control prior to entry. Limit to two undead per owner at the event. Also, all open cuts and/or wounds must be handled and checked out at Thielen Student Health Center before admittance into the stadium. For questions, please refer to the Government of the Student Body’s website.
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Dana and megan- sorry for getting wasted and pissing on your rug. Next time i’ll wear pampers to our Monday funday party. Dear Bruce: We didn’t make out cus you have stuff in your teeth. Dear Cass, I’m sorry for destroying your “How to draw children” book. Now how are you going to lure little boys and girls into your abode? Sincerely, You know damn well who I am! Dear epic hide and seeker, You left a ‘21’ pimp stein class in the black sheep sheep box. And I found it. I win. To Stephanie I met at Olde Main, Marry me? - Tony Random bro that approached me outside a house party, I really hope that everything goes well with your younger sister’s pregnancy. You really know how to choose introduction topics to a friendship! James, I’m sorry I missed your birthday party but I’m glad that I was able to see one picture of money in your underpants Jeff! I just met you Saturday but seriously, that whole “kicking dirt” move isn’t going to get you any ladies Hey Mark, let’s try and keep our pants on for at least five minutes this time next time we go to a party where we don’t know anybody? Not everybody breaks the ice the way you do.
What does your major really say about you?
Tamara Bartlett wrote this
Everyone that goes to college is aware that each major comes with its own stereotypes. Some of these stereotypes highlight the positive qualities that go along with the people attaining that major. Some of the stereotypes aren’t true at all. But that’s a very small percentage. So what are people thinking when you meet at a party and you tell them your major? Read on. Agricultural Studies: Farmer 2.0: I leveled up! Props for getting a degree, though. I have to keep those family farms going; they’re the lifeblood of the midwest! I can’t help but broadcast it by wearing the boots though... Design: I’m a hipster, but I won’t admit it. I’m better than you because you can’t even touch the number of print credits I get. (The number shows up as a sideways eight. I can’t remember what that symbol means again?) And I can draw like a mofo. Plus, I don’t need to sleep; only super humans can do these projects! Event Planning: I like to party, so I’ll just plan yours! My favorite event theme? Glitter! Business: Gerdin is a really nice building and none of my other majors worked out. Plus, I can still party like I’m a freshman! I’ll get
hired anyway; everyone needs a secretary. El Ed: I really like to color, and I figured I could do it professionally. (But the Design college seemed like to formidable of an opponent.) I’m a natural pro at putting things into a childlike perspective. Plus, now I know the real reason they put rubber cement on the school supplies list. Fashion: I need an excuse to wear heels to class and I really just want to turn heads. (Maybe I like attention?) But I’m really second guessing my major... TC 165 was a pretty tough class. Maybe I should switch to business. Engineering: I accept the fact that I have no life and am currently deemed a nerd by absolutely everyone. However, during the long nights I spend holed up in study rooms, I console myself with thoughts of the difference between my future paycheck and yours. (Let me break it down; it will be similar to the difference between a basketball player and a midget.) Agronomy: Soils, they get me hot. Ditto that for compost. Family and Consumer Sciences: My dad al-
ways recommended I go to school to get my MRS degree. When I found out that wasn’t a major, I decided this is as close as I can get. Physics: I know you all think Physics 111/112 is hard. That’s cake. Also, someone has got to be worse than the engineers. (If that’s even possible.) Music: Either I took band a little bit too far after high school or I just want to sing! While I’m at this degree, I’ll tag on my teaching certificate, too. Or maybe I’ll just be a professional opera singer... I won’t have a very large fan base. Global Resource Systems: I just want to save the world, but I couldn’t find a BS in Superhero. Communication: Slightly better than being Undecided. I don’t know what I’ll do with this major but I’m really good at communication…or talking at least. Hopefully I get some minors that will pull me through! English: I love to read books! I want to spend my life researching obscure, literary topics. But if that doesn’t work, I’ll accept getting paid marginally worse and be an English teacher.
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Bartender of the Issue
Claire Zenti - Es tas Relationship Status: Taken Major: Psychology Worst Drink Ever: Barenjager Honey Liqueur Your Patronus Would Be: a Bobcat What Would You Do with a Time Machine: Too many things! I can’t pick! Facebook or Twitter: Facebook
Alex Trebek has a voice that could charm the panties off of a nun, and his dulcet tones really help boys and girls across the nation learn what the capital of Madagascar is. Does that mean this game will help you get drunk? No. Is it fun? What is, “Yes,” Alex. What You Need: A case of beer, a hi-def TV to see the glint in Trebek’s eye, smartz. Number of Players: At least 2, more is more better, though. Intoxication Level: I’ll take, “Shithouse Drunk” for $800, Alex. How to Play: -Before the game begins, make sure each player has several beers in front of them. -Players may only guess an answer once per question. -A player’s answer does not have to be phrased in the form of a question. -Players must drink when: -Any opponent answers a question correctly. -The player incorrectly answers the question. -Players do not have to drink when: -The player answers the question correctly. -No player answers the question correctly. -Scoring is similar to a standard Jeopardy! game. If a player has to drink, they must drink the first number in the 3-digit score. For example, a player who has to drink on a $400 question must drink four drinks. Drinking on a $1000 question would be ten drinks. -There is no special scoring for the Daily Double, just use the value assigned to the question. -The Final Jeopardy question is worth 10 drinks. The Game Ends When: Your DVR runs out of recorded episodes.
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Favorite Dorito Flavor: Hot Wings/Bleu Cheese Collision Best Dollar Menu Item: Junior Cheeseburger Favorite Drinking Game: Chandeliers Favorite Drink: Jeremiah Weed & Lemonade Worst Pick Up Line You’ve Gotten: “You’d be a really hot slam piece. Here’s 20 bucks.”
recipe for disaster:
After a night of heavy drinking there’s always a pit in one’s stomach, and it aches mightily, wanting to be filled with manly goodness. No, we’re not talking about semen; we’re talking about the manliest freakin’ burrito of all time. What You Need: Flour tortillas, can of refried beans, cheese, hot sauce, beef jerky Cook Time: 5 minutes Fatty Factor: Oh god yes. Let’s Get Baked: -Unwrap the tortillas, open the beans, cheese and jerky. Have the hot sauce at hand. -Place a dollop of refried beans on the tortilla. -Sprinkle cheese on top of the beans. -Apply a liberal amount of beef jerky to the burrito. -Splash on a healthy amount of hot sauce. -Fold it all fancy-style. -Place in the microwave and heat on high for 40 seconds. -Remove, let cool and enjoy. You’ll pass out after a burly burrito bliss, only to wake up with some newfound chest hair. So…uh…this one isn’t for the ladies. Unless…
s l a i c e p s t a e Gr all week!
painfully obvious interview tips Abram LeBlanc wrote this It’s something every college student detests, but desires with every fiber of their being: a job. Whether it’s a job on or off campus, we all need one in order to put off paying those massive student loans. But before we get a job, there is a skill every potential employee must master: the interview. By now you should know the basics; what to wear (this includes removing all piercings and covering up your tattoo that’s written in some language you don’t know but somehow has great personal meaning to you and your struggle), how to answer questions (honesty is the best policy here, don’t over-hype your abilities unless you’re a baptism by fire kind of person), what’s the most effective way of marketing yourself (hint, interviewers love to talk, when they ask you a question, they’re really saying “Answer this as briefly and efficiently as possible, and then let me talk your ear off about what I would do in this situation”), and hopefully, you’re past the stage of debilitating interview stage fright, profuse sweating and broken sentences. Experienced or not, there are a few lessspecified interview rules that every potential employee must adhere to.
Wardrobe: Everyone knows you’re supposed to dress appropriately for an interview, but not everyone knows what that means. Jeans, tennis shoes, a wool cap and a v-neck with a scarf are only acceptable if you are interviewing for a clothing store run by hipsters, or maybe even Aeropostale. Guys, wear a suit if possible. “But I’m a poor college student, I can’t afford a suit!” Yes, it’s true that new suits are expensive, and seeing as they make them for a body type that doesn’t exist because they NEVER fully fit your frame, they often require expensive tailoring. So what do you do? You go the resourceful, collegiate route. Find a suit at Goodwill that’s in good condition (they run roughly $8$10), dry-clean that shit (you can bet it’ll smell like WWII or something) which will put you back about another $10, then you can have the trousers and jacket tailored for roughly $40-$45 (if you go to a foreign tailor). In total that sets you back about $63, which is considerably less than the cost of a brand new suit. Girls, you can’t go wrong with dress pants and a nice blouse (but a suit wouldn’t hurt you either).
“You can expect that at some point you WILL interview for some guy who will Facebook stalk you.”
Facebook: We all have those pictures; the blurry shot of you drinking beer from a decapitated lawn flamingo or the one of your passed-out form draped over a couch with a burning cigarette in one hand and an apparently defective Red Bull in the other. Your relationship status is listed as “in a relationship with: Your Mom,” and your available email address is email@example.com. All of these things are immediate red flags to prospective employers, and you can expect that at some point you WILL interview for some guy who will Facebook stalk you. So be prepared and delete or block your “inferior” moments.
Matamoros Monday • $4 Margaritas • $11 Buckets of Corona, Dos Equis and Landshark • $5 Pork Fajitas Karaoke Tuesday • $5 for 8 Boneless Wings • $1 Tube Shots and $2.25 Spiced Rum & Pepsi (9pm-1am) White Trash Wednesday • $2 Tatertot Casserole & $2 Spam Sandwiches (7-10pm) • $2 PBR and Keystone (7p-midnight) 2FerThursday • 2fer Wells (9-1am) • 2fer Pork Tenderloins • $2.50 Domestic Pints (11p-1a)
Unfiltered Friday • $5 Regular Nachos (2pm-7pm) • $3.50 Pints Blvd Wheat • $1.50 Keystone Light Draws • $3.50 All Craft / Imports Wing It Saturday • $0.59 Wings and Gizzards • $10 Domestic Buckets Sunday Funday • $5 Pound of Chicken • $7 Pitchers of Keystone Light (9pm- 1am) • $5 Bloody Mary Bar
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Know Your Shit: It’s probably not a good idea to go into an interview without some background information on the company and the position for which you are applying. Don’t be that guy who, when asked why he desires this position, responds with, “I dunno, I just really need a job. My girlfriend is expecting and I got tired of the way Subway smelled after an eight hour shift.” Come prepared, look smart and know what the hell you’re talking about. So strut into that interview with your shiny used clothes and clean social profile, rock that shit and please for the love of God, do not say “like” after every other word.
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Leonardo DiCaprio is world-famous for acting in some of the best films of the last decade. Hillary Clinton is famous because she’s the most powerful woman in the world. A small Senegalese child knows LeBron James because he can jump out of a building in a single bound. But what about the rest? In this era of celebrity culture there’s too many people famous for…what exactly? To see if we could pin these pretenders we looked at celebrity gossip websites to find people we couldn’t identify, then we tried to identify what made them worthy of the limelight. By: Brendan
Kim Delaney We Think She’s Famous For: Being T-Mobile’s ad spokeswoman when flip phones were still the cat’s pajamas, as folk were wont to say in 1996. Why She’s Actually Famous: This actress has been on a bunch of relatively popular TV shows, like Army Wives, The O.C. and N.Y.P.D. Blue. Recently, though, she made headlines for giving a speech in front of a bunch of military folk…drunk. Where She’ll Be In Five Years: A wonderful land called Denial, where your third and fourth stints in alcohol rehab mean you get comp’ed your fifth check-in.
Joe Manganiello We Think He’s Famous For: Being a club promoter in Scottsdale, Arizona. There’s rumored to be pictures of him snorting coke off of Lindsey Lohan’s tits. Why He’s Actually Famous: Joe plays werewolf Alcide Herveaux on HBO’s True Blood, because being tall, ripped and handsome is a prerequisite for being a werewolf. Nerds have nothing to worry about. Where He’ll Be In Five Years: He’ll be starring opposite Bradley Cooper in a summer bromance movie called Hairy Waves.
Brenda Song We Think She’s Famous For: Song is the Rebecca Black of Thailand, where her hit, “Only 20 Hours of Work Today!” propelled her to superstardom. Why She’s Actually Famous: Being a huge hit on the Disney Channel, most notably as London Tipton on The Suite Life of Zack & Cody. Where She’ll Be In Five Years: In a bathtub full of money, laughing and sipping champagne while screaming out, “Sweatshop profiteering is the best!”
Michaele Salahi We Think She’s Famous For: An early-90s trial that saw her spend 12 years in jail after sleeping with one of her 14-year-old students. Why She’s Actually Famous: Besides having an impossible-to-spell name, Salahi is best known for her role on The Real Housewives of D.C. In 2009 she made waves for crashing a White House party, and made headlines a few weeks ago by leaving her husband for Neal Schon, the guitarist for Journey. Where She’ll Be In Five Years: Back in her plastic surgeon’s office, getting an estimate on how much it would cost to give her facelift a facelift.
Austin Butler We Think He’s Famous For: Being exactly what the Nazis had in mind when they started their eugenics program. Why He’s Actually Famous: Butler is known for his work in Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide and High School Musical spinoff Sharpay’s Fabulous Adventure. Where He’ll Be In Five Years: On the secret Nazi moon base, preparing to exact revenge for the historically tragic death of his biological father, Adolf Hitler.
Imogen Thomas We Think She’s Famous For: By the looks of it, she’s a recent recipient of a MacArthur Genius Grant for the work she’s done in the field of advanced particle physics. Why She’s Actually Famous: Thomas is known for her 3-month stay on British reality show Big Brother, and her two big sisters. By “sisters” we mean “tits.” Where She’ll Be In Five Years: Thomas will be the Queen of the Island of Misfit Floozies, which is actually a couple miles off of the southern tip of Florida.
Don’t worry guys, we didn’t interview the entity that is racism. Das Racist is a trio of multi-ethnic dudes from Brooklyn whose unconventional style has landed them on multiple “best of” lists and on the stages of dozens of high-profile music festivals. Their latest album Relax just dropped and they’re coming to a city near you...soon. We chatted with them about live performances, growing up, and ideal fast food combinations. TBS: You guys have a very energetic live show. Offstage are you guys pretty animated, or are you pretty mellow? Das Racist: Yeah, more than like your average moron-like manner. To be honest, the way I think about it – which I never have before you asked me about it – I guess when we started doing shows we would be drunk or high a lot, so that kind of energy was from something we were doing offstage. Now it’s not quite the case. It’s just something that I’ve gotten used to doing and it’s kind of the only way I know how to do something up there. So we’re doing a rap show, we don’t really have a guitar and keyboard and whatever, so, I mean, what are we going to do? Then we’re getting completely bored on stage, you know, standing around on a small area for 45 minutes to an hour. Like, you can imagine if whatever room you’re in right now I locked the doors and like, you just have to hang out for an hour. You know, and most people need something to do, and we don’t want to be boring and be completely wasting everybody’s time. TBS: You mentioned that you’d go on stage and be drunk or on some sort of drug. As you’ve taken this more seriously as a career, is that something that you’ve purposely toned down or are you just getting more mature? Das Racist: The way we started out, we’d sometimes do gigs for like $50 or it’d be for drink tickets. So when you’re doing a show for drink tickets, you’re obviously going to get drunk because they’re giving you drink tickets and no money. So I think being mature, maybe, I don’t know, that word kind of sounds ridiculous. It just got boring, you know what I mean? And also, if my job is to tour and I’m going to have to do five shows in a row while traveling and waking up at 6 in the morning, I can’t feasibly get fucked up every night because it wouldn’t be fun anymore, it’d be impossible to wake up and not be in a terrible mood. And it’s just boring: I’m like 26-years-old, what am I going to do, get fucked up in front of a bunch of 18, 19-year-old kids?
The Whole Love
the whole let down is more like it! It’s easy for us youngsters to hate on Wilco these days because they aren’t “trippy” anymore, and Jeff Tweedy is “sober” and therefore “uninspired.” Long gone are the days of my brain exploding (nearly the entire The Wilco Book album), vibing out to some weird static during “Less Than You Think,” and dissecting the lyrics of “Radio Cure” because it’s just so fucking good. Sure, Wilco’s best albums were Yankee Hotel Foxtrot and A Ghost is Born, but if you got mad at your boyfriend today because the last great thing he did for you was months ago, then everyone would just hate each other. Remember when he let you have all the hot water this morning? It’s the little things that count. Because I don’t want to harp on Tweedy for being sober; that’s just immature. What I can harp on, though, is Wilco back-tracking to their country roots in their latest album The Whole Love. This album just screams “NPR 40-something.” It’s safe and easy to listen to, with just enough badass hard rocking guitar solos (see “Art of Almost”) to give the old folks something to get excited about. It’s the kind of Wilco that got the fans in the first place, with definitive alternative-country sounds and a little bit of intrigue, not to mention Tweedy’s signature voice holding our hands the whole time. But Tweedy & the boys weren’t always weird and still had a more interesting sound - Summerteeth and Sky Blue Sky, for instance. With their latest and the one before that (Wilco (The Album)), Wilco is starting to seem…
old. And I don’t like it, because I’m not a 40-something, and I think that’s okay with them. “Dawned on Me” is one of the more brilliant songs on the record, where Tweedy openly sings about the whole spectrum of living; being young, being old, being lost, being found, and starting it all over again at the end. It kind of makes me sentimental but then I’m reminded that optimism makes growing up a little better, which just makes me more sad. I’m 20-fucking-something; I don’t want to listen to my father cry on about not having fun anymore. “Born Alone” has a somewhat catchy tune but it’s a little cheesy and it’s a little simple, perfect for the adults to digest. No, no, I think I’m going to leave the Wilco party, eh, 5 years ago. But I’m still going to love them, even if they aren’t blowing my mind anymore. It’d be like saying goodbye to a high school friend just because he doesn’t get black-out drunk anymore. He’s still a cool guy, but just a little more tame. Plus you can always go back and recall the fun times you guys had together. That, and he is always your sober driver. It’s the little things that count! Sounds Like: What your dad listens to in the minivan. Download: The Art of Almost Listen to it When: Drinking wine and playing Scrabble with the fam.
TBS: You guys get a lot of critical acclaim, from MTV, Spin, Rolling Stone, etc. Do you guys consider that at all when you’re making musical decisions? Das Racist: It is appreciated, but, you know, it’s not like “Whoa! This staff writer at Spin likes something we made!” it’s more like “Whoa, a lot of people buy Spin at the airport who have never heard of us,” you know? I mean, it’s always nice to hear nice things, whatever, but it’s not like we’re so “Oh, we’re going do what we’re going to do regardless!” Like, what else am I going to read, something about some other guy? I’d rather read about myself. Yeah, I definitely keep up and shit, but it’s not that big of a deal. TBS: So you guys have Relax, your new album that just came out. How does a group like you guys go about constructing a song? Das Racist: Well, I mean, we’ll first kind of write in the studio, sometimes someone will have some verses or parts of verses worked out and they’ll bring those in. It’s not a completely collaborative process. If you’re listening to it, the two guys don’t even sound very much alike, they don’t rap very similarly. So, it’s collaborative in that they usually record in the same studio and they record together a lot of the time, but other than that it’s not like coming in together with two notepads on their lap and a guy playing a beat and they’re listening to the beat… but that actually does happen a little bit. (laughs) I think it’s kind of two different processes going on at the same time, rather than like peeking over another person’s shoulder and see what they’re doing. TBS: What would be on your perfect sandwich? Das Racist: I don’t even like sandwiches that much. Bacon, avocado, cheese, tomato? On some sourdough bread. TBS: You guys have an album called Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell. If you could combine any two fast food franchises, which would you choose? Das Racist: Maybe fuckin’ Panera Bread and Chipotle. Or In-N-Out Burger and Quiznos. TBS: Drink of choice? Das Racist: Water, and champagne.
brendan and jess wrote this
THe top ten
Laundromat Russian Roulette
Public Embarrassment Recoveries There are many ways it could go down. Beefing it on your bike. Whale-tailing it in front of your whole class. Tripping over yourself while staring at the girl walking in front of you. Public embarrassment is known to wait and strike at the worst possible moment. Although almost impossible to prevent, a well-planned recovery can scrounge some dignity out of the situation.
adam carver wrote this The following is based on true events. All names and locations have been changed to protect the ignorant. By now, it has to have happened. Unless you’ve schlepped your clothes back home to have mom do it for you, you’ve been forced to do laundry. It’s a rite of passage, and many go through this troubling ordeal for the first time in college. Not since your first kiss or the first time you felt up a lover have you had to overcome such a difficult obstacle. Every year, 19 people are killed trying to figure out the inner sanctum of the laundry room cartels. Here’s why. Isn’t it just throwing in clothes, adding detergent, turning the machine on and waiting? In a sense, yes it is. But since I’m not Martha Stewart or your mildly attractive mother, I’m not going to dwell on the process of cleaning clothes. (And to those of you who even THINK about it, AXE body spray is neither cleaning clothes nor considered bathing.) On today’s show, we’ll discuss the challenges of laundromat warfare. Before you look at me all doe-eyed and wild, remember back to when you were a kid. The suicide bomber of clothes is something we see in movies all the time; the sole red or colored item in a load of white undergarments. A rookie mistake now has your white spanx a lovely pink hue, compounding your awkwardness. Your cute Hello Kitty underwear now has a mysterious red stain, and all you had to change was doing every load on cold. Now that’s the only conventional tip you get. Let’s get one thing straight, other people using a laundry room are anything but your friends. Yes, even Frank, the sexy guy from down the hall. He’s the worst of them all. Doing the load correctly is mentally exhausting enough, but now you have to guard your clothes. Hobos disguise themselves as fellow students doing laundry all the time. They wait for you to go check your mail and then take all your t-shirts, commonly known as ‘shopping.’ Impatient people will stop your laundry and sometimes remove your garments just so they can use your dryer, and your money. So instead of coming back from the UDCC with a warm pile of clothing waiting, there’s now a molding blob of soaking wet cotton/polyester stinking up the whole floor. Now, for you advanced or knowledgeable laundry warriors, you are ready for the intermediate peril. You have just enough coin to do one load. For those who have free laundry services in your living quarters, or just want further paranoia, try having only
10. “I Meant to do That.” The classic excuse, and probably the most overused. If you use the phrase seriously, you’ve made an even bigger fool of yourself. A sarcastic “I meant to do that” may be the oldest trick in the book, but it also diffuses the awkwardness that would follow without it.
so much time to complete this task. You walk into the laundry room, and there is that sexy Frank again. He smiles, but you ignore him when you realize he has taken up all but one washer. You either have to inquire as to when he is due to move them to the dryer, wait patiently to see if he is going to use the last washer, beat him to it or stab him repeatedly in the chest with your room key. (After all, you can do the laundry right after the crime to remove all evidence - this is also where 17 of those previously mentioned 19 deaths come from.) You choose to just go for it and sneak your load in before he notices. As you pile all the items in, careful not to arouse suspicion, you quietly prep the detergent. Once it’s all ready, you jubilantly hit the start button. Nothing. The machine is out of order, the impromptu sign stares you in the face now that you see it. There was a reason Frank didn’t use that machine; I told you he couldn’t be trusted. But karma has wasted no time in getting him, too. He overfilled one machine, so it didn’t run the full load. The other load he attempted only soaked half of the clothes, leaving others dry. Now all 3 washers are out of commission and you need clean underwear after 3 days of going commando in jeggings. And there’s a blizzard outside (just to be more melodramatic). What do you do? There is nothing you can do besides complain to anyone within earshot. You are completely screwed. Not only is Frank now trying to come on to you and acting like a complete douche, but the smell of wet clothes and too much bleach is causing you to hallucinate. And the worst of it all? ALL the dryers work just fine. So if you had an old washboard and lived in the 1800s, you’d be golden, Oregon Trail style. So in the end, your room becomes a clothesline for clothes that aren’t even clean yet. This is what we like to call “Laundromat Roulette.” Sometimes your clothes turn out clean; sometimes you merely get things wet. So take it from me, and to a lesser extent my friend Frank, don’t do laundry. Moms are better at it, anyway.
9. Post Up Just fell off your bike in the middle of central campus, surrounded by hundreds of eyes? You might as well stay down on the grass. Take out a book or laptop. Make it look like you just messed up on your dismount. Of course, you might have taken that spill while hurrying somewhere. That’s fine, just wait for the witnesses to clear, and off you go. 8. The Blame Game You want to be an asshole about it? Fine. Choose the closest, most vulnerable person you can see. Then go off on them like Bill O’Reilly. You just passed off the embarrassment to someone else. Hypocrite. 7. Ignore It It never happened. Just keep doing what you were doing before you stepped in that doggie land mine. You’re a superstar. 6. Pretend to be Handicapped Terrible, I know. I would never do it, but maybe you sickos might. If someone starts taunting you, you’re deaf. If you just tripped and fell, you suffer from vertigo. Too busy Facebook-ing to realize you just got called on to answer a question in class? Dementia. 5. Get an Urgent Phone Call Although this won’t make the situation any less embarrassing, it does provide for a getaway. Simply taking off leaves room for jeers from passersby. If they interrupt you during an important phone call, you’re inclined to let them have it. 4. Feign an Injury Nobody will laugh at the person who walks into a light post and then suffers a concussion. Get creative with your injuries, too. No need to stop at one broken limb. Go big or go home. 3. Dance, Dance If “moving like Bernie” is considered dancing, anything can be. It’s up to you to invent the next biggest move to debut at Bootytronic. Take the spill and turn it into a thrill. 2. The Stuntman “Yeah, that was me tumbling down the stairs of Curtiss. I’m practicing for a role, it’s pretty big. I do look like Gerard Butler, don’t I? Actually, I’ll be stunting for Vin Diesel. Did it hurt? Baby, I wouldn’t be a very good stuntman if it did. Of course you can have my number.” 1. Laugh There wasn’t another option for number one. The best choice for a recovery from a public embarrassment is to join the crowd. Then you can claim they’re laughing with you, not at you! (Don’t kid yourself, they definitely are.) Lots of people find a sense of humor attractive, and if you can laugh at yourself, that’s a definite sign you’re not a humorless, self-conscious weenie.
Luke Elzinga wrote this
The Daunting Task of Living 2011 marks one of the most tragic years in human history. A devastating earthquake and tsunami rocked Japan, and the physical, economical and emotional effects will be felt for generations to come. Middle Eastern upheaval reached new heights in nations struggling against bureaucratic governments, while horrific images of young radicals fighting for their liberties against national armies flooded the media. And you just realized it’s not hot enough for an iced latte and not cold enough for a hot latte. To top it off, your Brita filter just broke, so no matter what coffee you choose to make you’re going to have to use regular, safely-purified, tap water. Scandal. In fact, much of the civilized world just awoke from a peaceful slumber in their safe suburban neighborhoods, and began to pour their cereal without checking to see if there was milk first. There wasn’t. All too often philanthropists today are wasting their time trying to fight hunger in
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17 Charlotte Rice wrote this
South America, while we are fighting our own battles here in modern Western society. Even as I write this article I’m realizing that I may have left the windows down on my slightly-used 2010 BMW and my Smartphone says there is a thirty percent chance of rain.
3. Buy a car with built in GPS. I can’t think of anything more horrifying than having the GPS fall off the dashboard when you’re in a lower-middle-class neighborhood. Who knew kids still played outside? Can someone get Jimmy an iPad, please? What’s wrong with these people?
With all the devastating news I just pushed your direction, I understand if you’re beginning to fret that the world will never go back to the way it was. Where only people actually in college had Facebook, and you didn’t have to worry about your twelveyear-old sister ruining your Angry Birds high score.
4. Start eating out for every meal. Leftover food that you’ve discarded is aesthetically unappealing. Who wants to play Wii on a brand new 60” LCD TV when that entire chicken breast you discarded is sitting in the waste receptacle because sushi and Grey Goose sounded much more appealing? I can’t think of anyone.
But have no fear; just like AIDS has Bono, you too have a way to emerge victorious from all your first world problems:
I know you’re busy balancing yoga, latte runs and that new herbal cleanser you’re trying, so I won’t give you more than a fourstep program to solve your First World Problems. If you’re still facing First World Problems at this point I really can’t do much else to help you. It looks like you’ll just have to pack up someone else’s 2007 used Honda Civic and move to the Third World. I hear Mississippi is welcoming immigrants.
1. Put down the payphone. Just because you left your iPhone at home doesn’t mean you have to act like a pilgrim. 2. Hire a maid. I’m pretty sure your parents didn’t raise you to do your own cleaning.
Madlib: Worst Class Ever! 1) Class you are in. 2) Day of the week 3) Random daydream 4) Your name 5) Something hard to explain 6) Something specific to #5 7) Reason why you cut class 8) Unit of time 9) Person in class you like 10) That persons gender 11) What you wanted to do to them 12) Something gross 13) Your best friend 14) Stupid question 15) Made-up sexual act 16) Stupid thing to buy 17) Article of clothing
So there you are, sitting in ___1___ just like any other ___2___. You’re spacing out, dreaming of a ___3___ when all of a sudden the classroom falls silent. Everyone turns to look at you. The professor speaks up, “___4___ I asked you to explain ___5___, can you explain why ___6___?” And this is when it hits you, skipping last week’s lecture to ___7___ was a huge mistake. ___8___ later and you’re still silent. Now ___9___, the ___10___ you were hoping to ___11___ looks at you like you’re ___12___. All you can stammer out is, “I don’t know.” It gets worse, though. Now that you’ve proved your idiocy ___13___, your best friend, piles on. “Hey dude, ___14___? What’s the ___15___? How much does a ___16___ cost?” Everyone’s laughing at you, and you even wore ___17___ to class today.
Meet The Staff! campus manager Brian Skalak
Advertising Manager Averi Tjarks editorial Manager Molly Bryant distribution Manager Julio Espada Marketing Manager Lilly Melander Marketing Team Travis Ziemke Writers Danielle Levings Luke Elzinga Adam Carver Breanne Brousil Merritt Rethlake Leanna Hasenmiller Molly Carpenter Liz McDonough
Michael Glawe Chris Biagini Abram (Brent) LeBlanc photographer Julie Vujnovich cartoonist Danielle Hernandez campus director Brendan Bonham
Founders Brian Skalak, Averi Tjarks, Brendan Bonham, Atish Doshi, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, and Jessica Sommers Questions?
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DID YOU KNOW?
Unless food is mixed with saliva, it has no taste. Think about that... The average person falls asleep in 7 minutes...hmmm...
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l l i H ah
START YOUR 5-DAY WEEKEND WEDNESDAY
AT THE NEW PROJECT 20/20
$.50 DOMESTIC DRAFTS AND WELL MIXED DRINKS UNTIL MIDNITE! JUST $2 AFTER MIDNIGHT!
THURSDAY $5 MUG WELLS $3 MUG DOMESTIC BEER | $2 HOUSE SHOTS
CHECK OUT OUR NEW AND RENOVATED RESTAURANT! PROJECT 20/20 /// BISTRO + CLUB + LOUNGE /// 2424 Lincoln Way | Ames, Iowa