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Vol. 5, Issue 5

The Black Sheep The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

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10/17/13 - 10/30/13

HALLOWEEN Spooktacular

The Halloween

Horror! BY: Mitch Vaginapun

Every Halloween,

a wave of terror glides across the campus. A slow, terrorizing tidal wave of fear splashes down, like jungle juice vomit rolling down a stairway. We know this article may bring back some chilling memories, so consider this your trigger warning. We are about to talk about He Who is Nearly Unmentionable. Prepare your anuses for the clenching of a lifetime, because we’re about to explore a pit so dark and sacred you’ll think we accidentally went into the wrong hole. But this was no mistake, and no matter how painful this is for you, it’ll hurt less if you just accept it. We are going to talk about… The Halloween Horror. Wait, you seriously don’t remember him? You must have just repressed the horrible, nightmareinducing memories. The words are still etched into our minds: “Reports of a tall, tan-skinned individual with at least one weapon. Last seen wearing a hoodie and sweatpants near Stevenson Hall. All individuals remain indoors.” The police locked Schroeder down tighter than if there were bomb threats in consecutive weeks. Wait, that’s not saying much — the police locked Schroeder down like they had seen a black guy in a hoodie walking too close to someone after sundown. The campus was gripped with fear, huddling inside dorm bathrooms trying to comfort each other with shower orgies, but all of the soap and insertion was in vain. Just as things started getting slippery, every phone on every floor lit up and displayed the same terrifying news: “Due to recent information, the entire campus is now under boil order. All water is contaminated, like, even if you don’t live in the dorms or whatever, you can’t drink it or touch it and stuff.” The bone chilling warning shriveled even the most persistent erections, as students ran into their rooms and bathed in hand sanitizer. “The stinging was horrible,” recounted senior stud Vitch Maginapun. “Hand sanitizer in your urethra is as opposite to an infection as you can get, but it felt exactly the same as five of the seven STIs I’ve had. Damn you, Halloween Horror! Damn you straight to hell!” After Halloween last year, the Halloween Horror was never heard from again. That is, until yesterday. The warning made hundreds of girls scream in a way that was previously thought to occur

only at Aaron Carter concerts. “According to a credible source, shots have been fired on campus in what appears to be a raid on President Flanagan’s fortress. The President is secured, but the status of his pot of gold is still unconfirmed, and students are urged to avoid the south side of campus and all boxes of Lucky Charms until instructed otherwise.” Oh, and how we shat our pants at the news. Shots fired? At Illinois State?! That’s definitely never happened before, especially not earlier this year! The Halloween Horror had gone too far, so we at The Black Sheep tracked him down and took away his phone, ensuring that he could never terrorize the campus again. You’re welcome, fair citizens, for your phones will now only occasionally be sent warning messages that cause more fear than help! What? You guys thought he was shooting and poisoning people? God no, he was just sending really fake scary texts. But isn’t that worse than cutting a body into pieces and throwing it into several different rivers? How can anyone feel safe when every threat requires the highest level of security and police action!? Oh, except bomb threats. Don’t even worry about those.

page 4

page 7

pages 12-13

The Ghost of Al Bowman

Scholars Spook Students Sharing Statistics

The Black Sheep Interviews: Steve-O

Was it retirement? or Murder?!?

let’s Successfully celebrate Halloween sans the sin.

Keep Up With Us! @BlackSheep_ISU • theblacksheeponline.com

We chat with the infamous funny man about nut shots and YouTube.


Meet the Staff <<

>> campus & Editorial manager Tim Mackey Advertising Manager Alexander Leventis Writers Tim Mackey, Kevin Setze, Mike Atkins , Jeremy Ber, Jeremy Meyers, Dylan Rieger photographer Mackenzie Hoon distribution manager Dan Quintero Social media manager Apply Today! Promotions manager Amanda Weichselbaum

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Disclaimer: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication.

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Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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Authankticity The sense of happiness one feels when being genuinely thanked by another human being.

of the

“Chris felt authankticity when Brandon showed gratitude for bailing him out of jail, overjoyed he didn’t have to call his parents.”

Week Guess

The Mascot Tweet Us @BlackSheep_ISU First right answer wins a prize!

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If yours proves to be the weirdest, you’ll win a prize and be featured in next week’s issue!

The Black Sheep

Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @BlackSheep_ISU and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!

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The Ghost of

The

Top

Al Bowman Ten By: Isaac Dreidelschleitze “Gather round, kids, and hear the spooky tale about an old Illinois State president who still roams the halls and classrooms to this very day.” The campus counselor sat at a campfire he had started in the middle of the quad. Some ISU students gathered and sat on the logs surrounding the campfire as he waxed on. A fallen tree laid in ruins among dead squirrels. “Pfft, I heard that’s just a legend. Al Bowman doesn’t hang out around here anymore, he’s gone,” said one freshman, staring into the flames that consumed his soul. “Just listen to my story, you’ll see how wrong you are,” said the shadowy man in a trench coat as he threw another block of wood onto the fire. A ghastly wind could be heard somewhere far in the distance. “This story all begins in the spring of 2013. Al Bowman was just on his way out of the school when he was attacked by a wild redbird — they tend to roam around the campus and attack people… Legend has it that Bowman fought with the redbird for five days straight, through canyons and rivers and highways and side streets. Finally Bowman, in his retirement, could not take it any longer. He gave in, allowing the redbird to consume him, or what was left of him, anyway. “From there, the redbird flew back to the campus of Illinois State University and released the spirit onto campus, forever haunting the quiet halls and dorm rooms for years to come. You see, the redbird would never let the spirit of Bowman pass on, no matter how hard he tried.” “If that’s true, then how come I’ve never seen any of that happen around here?” asked the pessimistic ISU student. He shivered as if he felt a chill on his back. The story continued. “Young Jimmy Blumer was walking down Constitution Trail on a night just like tonight. The clouds covered the moon and he was immersed in complete darkness. In front of him stood a figure he could just barely make out. He saw what appeared to be the black outline of a wispy coat. As he walked forward, the figure got bigger, until Jimmy could clearly make out the figure of a man in a black trench coat walking in the same direction. ‘Who… who’s there?’ asked Jimmy as he walked alongside the man. Suddenly, the man removed his trench coat to reveal red feathers and a beak the size of Reggie. To this day, Jimmy has not been found.” “Hey… I knew Jimmy Blumer,” said one of the

04

Halloween Pranks By: Scoop Chang

Halloween isn’t just for getting drunk and eating candy! It’s a great time to ruin some friendships with reckless pranks. Here’s a few to get you started.

10.) Make Your Friends a Jack O’ Lantern: It may not seem like a prank, but in the heat we’ve been

having, pumpkins rot within a week. It changes from a happy, smiling face to a black, rotting mess that attracts flies, black mold, and rabid squirrels.

9.) Fake Caramel Apples: Melt a bunch of caramel and instead of covering apples, put a stick in an onion and dip that sucker into that sweet sticky goo! Watching your friends bite into raw onions is well worth the mounds of caramel you’ll have to melt. 8.) Dress Up Your Dog: Again, it doesn’t seem like much, but go down to the pet shelter and find the meanest, nastiest pit bull they have. Dress him up like a bumblebee so he looks harmless. Then have your friends play with him! Try this on friends who are allergic to bees, if the mauling doesn’t kill him, then the irony sure will. 7.) Spooky Stories: Late on Halloween night when you’re sitting with your friends in the dark telling spooky ghost stories, have one of them secretly wait outside. At some random point in the story have him run in with a ski mask and stab you repeatedly. You can’t give your friends a good scare without a few minor flesh wounds. 6.) Spam Email: What’s the spookiest, most haunting thing you can think of? That’s right, solicitors. Give out your friends’ phone numbers, emails, and lists of their fears to every company in the tri-state area. For more fun, while they’re busy talking to telemarketers you can fuck their girlfriend. 5.) Pot Candy: It’s pretty easy to make edibles if you have a kitchen, butter, and weed. Give the neighlisteners. “He was my friend’s boyfriend. He… didn’t come home one night.” “Ya see? Do you believe me now?” The pessimistic student stared at the campfire once more and looked up at the storyteller. “How do you know all of this?” he asked as he stood up, feeling uncomfortable. “Good question!”The counselor removed his black trench coat to reveal the same red feathers and large beak as the man in the story. “I’m the ghost of Al Bowman. I’ve come to consume your souls!” The students let out loud shrieks of terror and ran from the campfire. The man looked around, begrudgingly draped his trench coat upon his shoulders, and sat back on the log. “Flanagan, you can’t keep scaring the kids like that.” Al Bowman himself walked out of the darkness and sat down on one of the logs. “I know you want the kids to like you, but it’s just not gonna happen. I’m the shit. I was cool. I was ‘with it’, as the youngsters say. You’re just… some Irish dude. Give it up.” Flanagan took off his costume and sighed heavily. “How’d you do it, Al? I go to all the football games, I send out those messages whenever there’s a bomb threat… What am I doing wrong?” Bowman put his hand on Flanagan’s shoulder and looked at him. “You’re just going to have to figure that one out for yourself, Tim.” And with that, Bowman began to fade out, his body became transparent, and in a flash he was gone. Flanagan looked around wildly. “What the hell just happened?” Just then, the clock tower struck midnight, and the ISU fight song could be heard in the distance.

borhood kids a little trick in their treat by getting them high! Their parents won’t notice the difference; spastic, stupid kids eating all of their candy on Halloween? No one will know the difference.

4.) Fake OD: In the weeks leading up to Halloween, pick up a fake “problem.” Maybe you “tried cocaine for the first time.” Maybe you’ve been “drinking more,” but “you can stop whenever you want to.” Halloween night, call your friends over with garbled speech and loud noises. Foam up your mouth with toothpaste to make it look like you OD’d! Bonus points if you knock yourself out with a hammer for that realistic “dying” effect. 3.) Find That Special Someone: Ask any bad comedian and they’ll tell you the perfect person for everyone is… a prostitute. But don’t get one for yourself, pay one to pretend she’s your “out of town friend” and get her with one of your friends. There are so many options! She can give him an STD, she can just be a tease, or you she can even break his heart. Ladies, don’t be afraid to do the same. That bitchy girl won’t bother you as much when she has crabs. 2.) Kill Their Parents: It’s not as intense as you think! They’re pretty old and on their way out anyway... At first it’ll be a prank where they’re all sad. “Boo Hoo! My parents are dead!” But a few weeks later when the life insurance comes in you’ll be swimming in free shit! No one is more generous than a dude with dead parents, trust us. 1.) Dress Up Like the Opposite Sex: Sure, lots of people cross-dress on Halloween, but take it a step further. Go to a Halloween party in a normal costume and tell your friends you’re leaving early. Then get dressed up as a sexy transvestite and seduce your friends. When they wake up naked next to you instead of that special someone, they’ll freak out! No, but seriously they will freak the fuck out. Just remember when pranking people that they can only stay mad for so long. Everyone dies, right? Happy Halloween, Redbirds!


Around campus send us your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

on the Streets If you had to move one part of your body to another part of your body, what would you move and where?

Frances

“Teeth to fingertips.”

J os h

“Eye to hand, for the practical applications, you know. “

Le a h

“One foot to my butt, so that it won’t get dirty if I want to sit down anywhere.”

05


Follow us on twitter @BlackSHeep_ISU

How to Succeed at Halloween Without Really Trying By: Scoop Chang There are a lot of ways to fuck up Halloween: getting too drunk, not getting drunk enough, or putting a 3 Musketeers in the wrong orifice (sorry again, Karen). “Mouth” can mean a lot of things people! That’s all we’re trying to say. The Black Sheep knows you better than you know yourself, so here are some tips on how to “get it in the right hole” so to speak.

Get Candy Online:

You’re too old to trick-or-treat, but still young enough to desperately want vast amounts of sugary goodness. Don’t be fooled by the bulk candy you can get at Wal-Mart, Walgreen���s, or Wal-a-roonie. No matter what kind of variety pack you get it’s always 70% Whoppers. You can get a literal fuckton of candy from Amazon for like 10 bucks. You can even get a specific candy, like 150 Cherry Laffy Taffys or an Abba-Zabba bar. You shouldn’t know what that is, but text your parents, they’ll enjoy a hearty guffaw remembering it.

Pick a Costume:

Try something creative or obscure. As

much as guys love a “sexy kitten” wearing cat ears and a bikini, you’ll attract way cooler guys with a sexy Ghostbusters costume or a sexy ninja turtle. For guys, don’t be afraid to go nerdy. If every guy is out there looking like Magic Mike, then all the Power Rangers and Slendermen are going to get lost in the scuffle.

Don’t be Miley Cyrus:

That’s pretty much all you have to do. No one is going to say “oh you’re naked on a wrecking ball! That’s so funny!” You’re just going to get a lot of dirty looks because everyone is going to be dressed the same way. Don’t wear the VMA mouse outfit either. Just don’t. I don’t care if you’re a guy and it’s ironic. Just don’t man.

Look for the Adam’s Apple:

Look, a lot of people are going to be cross-dressing on Halloween. If you wanna make sure that androgynous babe you’re going home with has the proper equipment downstairs, check the neck. Play it safe — if she’s really into sports and doesn’t mind bodily

functions then maybe just get her number and text her in a week. If a guy is really sweet, nice, and caring then just run. We go to Illinois State people, if a guy is sweet to you at a party he’s either a chick or a serial killer.

Vandalism isn’t Cool:

It’s not cool anymore, anyway. People have gotten lazy! “Let’s TP a random house” or “let’s smash a pumpkin.” These ideas are uninspired and childish. Look up the faculty directory, find out where your worst professors live and really give ‘em hell. Spray paint their house like a Jack O’ Lantern and throw a Molotov Cocktail in the window. Find Timothy Flanagan’s house and just haunt that MoFo like the ghost of Al Bowman. So there you have it friends. Even though you’re going to be surrounded by dumb bitches who think they’re the only one with a Miley costume and stupid dicks who picked the costume that best accentuates their abs, you can still have a great time. Don’t get into too much trouble, because if you do, we’re not liable!

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Straightedge Scholars Spook Students Sharing Some Shocking Statistics By: Sevin Ketze Halloween is just around the corner, and while most students stock up on alcohol and buy costumes that show of their best assets, a small and dedicated group of teetotalers are rebelling against the holiday’s sinful traditions with a series of educational events. “Well I wouldn’t say we’re ‘rebelling’, that’s a pretty yucky word!” said junior Chris Teauve, before turning to his wife and squeezing her hand. “Makes you think of all those angry brown people on the news, doesn’t it, honey? Well, we’re not like them at all.” “Not like them at all,” echoed his sophomore spouse Mary J. Teauve. “We’re here to share the spooky truth, like the fact that 55% of chronic sinners die before they can ask God for forgiveness. Scared yet? Well, you should be, because 100% of the souls sent to Hell are stuck there for eternity.” These two are the founders of the brandnew RSO Students Against Drinking Sex Drugs and Other Nasty Things Jesus and

Your Parents Would be Very Disappointed to See You Doing, whose mission, as listed on ISU’s website, is to “educate the poor sinners who don’t know the damage they’re doing to their souls and bodies, and encourage them to celebrate with more wholesome activities like a nice long walk or an exciting game of KerPlunk.” “SADSDONTJYPWVDSYD isn’t a faithbased organization, no,” laughed Chris. “Not a faith-based organization at all,” added his wife. “You don’t need to be religious to see all the terrible things indulgence leads to. Here, look at these two pictures of livers. One belonged to an abstaining, God-fearing farmer, and the other belonged to a young man who drank himself silly during college.” As this reporter studied the two nearly identical images, he gently shook the one in his right hand. “Gee, the spots on this one sure don’t look good, do they? See ‘em, on the middle-left? Those little white-ish dots? Right here. I’m pointing right at them. Well, trust me, they’re there, and

they’re not good.” “Not good at all,” his wife agreed. Chris pulled a stack of flyers out from his shoulderbag. “Here, give these to anyone you care about.” Inside of the full-color fire-and-brimstone border was the large bolded heading ‘PERVERTS AND MURDERERS: BEWARE, HELL IS REAL’. I think they turned out really swell,” beamed Chris, as he read off some of the events. “Well first, for the whole week before Halloween, we’re going to have a table on the Quad where students can trade in their collarless shirts and skimpy above-the-knee skirts for something a little less degrading and a bit more respectful of the sacrifice Jesus made for them.” “On the unholy day itself, we’ll have a getto-know-you egg toss at 4. Don’t worry, we’ll be using hard-boiled eggs so our hands and sandals don’t get all gooey. Then we’ll be having a nice dinner of bread, fish, and water, followed by an outdoor screening of Gnomeo and Juliet on my pep-pep’s old projector! It’ll be just

like the 50s, how fun! After that comes the main event: everybody’s going to take a slip of paper out of this basket, which will have the name of a nearby street on it. Then, each of us will take an air horn and a wagon full of Bibles to our assigned area, and that’s when our good deeds really kick into high gear. We’re shooting for thirty baptisms between all of us by the

end of the night, but our more important goal is to notify the police of as many socalled ‘parties’ as possible, in the hopes the students arrested will use this wakeup call to turn their lives around.” The Black Sheep attempted to contact and interview other members of the club, but there are none.

COME CELEBRATE

HALLOWEEN WEEKEND Saturday October 26th

Thursday October 31st

Halloween Costume Party & 3 Contests at 10pm,11pm & Midnight, Live Music with Mathien, $2.75 Bacardi Drinks & Bud Select/Bud Light Lime Bottles, No Cover!

Halloween Costume Contest in Room 4 with Prizes for 1st, 2nd & 3rd Place $2 Well Drinks & Domestic Bottles $3 Draught Pints

•5

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tuesday: $2 Import and Micro Bottles $2 Well & UV Flavors $2 All Drafts

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$1 Wells and UV Flavors, $1.25 Miller Family Bottles, $2.50 Bud Family Drafts $2.50 Red Bull n Vodka

College Night w/ DJ at 10pm No Cover! $0.75 Wells, $1.50 Double Wells, $2 Bombs, Bud Light Bottles, Long Islands

$2 Domestic Bottles $2 Well Drinks $3 Draft Pints

$3 Pitchers of Miller High Life, $2 Bottles of PBR $2 Vodka Well Drinks OPEN MIC NIGHT!

FRIDAY

$1.50 Bud Family Draft $2.50 Vegas Bombs $3 Bud Family Pitchers

"Lady's Night" DJ EVA at 10pm, No Cover $3 16oz Double Vodka Energy and All Double Wells, Bombs, Domestic Bottles $4 Jager Shots, Long Islands

$2.75 Fat Jack Cocktails, All Flavored Vodkas, Jim Beam & Heineken bottles

$2.75 20oz Miller Lite Draft

SATURDAY

$1.50 Coors Light Bottle $2 Bud Family Drafts $2 Well & UV Flavors $2.50 Vegas Bombs

DJ Vamp and Luke on the Drums - No Cover! $3 16oz Tall Double Wells, Bud Family Bottles, All Bombs $4 Jack Daniels, Long Islands

$2.75 Hurricane & Tsunami Drinks, Bud Select & Bud Light Lime Bottles

KARAOKE! $3.50 15oz, $4 20oz import or craft draft beer

SUNDAY

$2 Bud Family Drafts $2 Well & UV Flavors $2.50 Vegas Bombs

$2 Any Beer, $3 Any Booze, FREE Juke and Bags

All $2.75 Daily Specials!

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MONDAY

$1.25 Miller Family Bottles $2 Bud Family Drafts $2.50 Beams, SoCo & Seagram 7

$2 Any Beer, $3 Any Booze, FREE Juke and Bags Bag Tourney Every Monday

$2.75 Captain Morgan, Malibu, Import & Craft Bottles

$1.75 Miller Lite Pints

TUESDAY

$2 Import and Micro Bottles $2 Well & UV Flavors $2 All Drafts

$2 Any Beer, $3 Any Booze, Free Juke and Bags Kyle Yap and Friends LIVE Acoustic at 10pm

$2.75 Draft Pints & American Harvest Vodka

$3 Pitchers of Miller High Life

$1 Domestic Bottles $3 Vegas Bombs

Drifter’s Country Night w/ DJ and Karaoke $1 Cans, $2 Tall Doubles and Bombs, $3 Call Its including Top Shelf

$2 Well Drinks $2 Half-Pints on Draft $3 Bombs

Karaoke! $2.00 Well Drinks and Miller Lite Pints

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$2 Domestic Longnecks $3 Captain Morgan $3 Captain Lime

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$2.50 19oz Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts

$2.50 Import Bottles and Malt Beverages

$2.50 Well Drinks

SATURDAY

$2 Miller Family Bottles $2 Well Drinks and Well Shots $6 32oz Vodka Red Bulls $4 Bud Light Pitchers

Sunday & Wednesday Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)

FRIDAY

Tapper Thursday $3.75 All 20oz Draught Pints

Look out for details on our upcoming Halloween Party!

EVERYDAY: $4 Bud Family Domestic Pitchers, $3 Import Bottles, $1.75 Bud Family Pints $3.50 Shock Top Pumpkin Wheat

THURSDAY

SATURDAY: $2.75 Coronas $6 32oz Rum and Coke & Vodka Lemonade

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Failte Friday Try our special Long Ireland Iced Tea for $4!

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$2.75 Coronas $6 32oz Rum and Coke & Vodka Lemonade

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$2.50 138 Shots, $2.50 Coronas, $3 Import Bottles, $3.50 Calls, $4 Domestic Pitchers and Car Bombs, $10 Domestic Buckets

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Closed

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$3 Bloody Marys, Import Bottles, Mimosas, and Calls $4 Domestic Pitchers and Car Bombs, $10 Domestic Buckets

Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)

SUNDAY

Mad Monday! $3 All Import Bottles and Microbrew Bottles

$9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)

$4 Domestic Pitchers $3 Fireball Shots

$3 Import Bottles, $3.50 Calls, $4 Domestic Pitchers, $4 Car Bombs, $8 312 Pitchers, $10 Domestic Buckets

$3 Smirnoff Vodka Drinks (Any Flavor)

MONDAY

$2 You-Call-Its

$2 Domestic Longnecks $3 Imports, Micros, & Rail Calls

$3 Captain Morgan

TUESDAY

Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)

WED.

$3 22oz Keeper Cup $2.75 Corona $3 Liquor Specials

DJ Joe Beck! October 18th, 7pm - Midnight

Well To Do Tuesday $3 All WELL Vodka, Gin, Rum, Tequila, American Whiskey and Liquors

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As long time fans of The Black Sheep might recall, our recent investigation into the freak weather phenomena this semester ended on a strange note. After coming across a group of students performing a ritualistic dance on the Quad, we were invited to join in their revelry. Unfortunately most of us have little recollection of that night, save for an assortment of bruises, tiny dicks drawn on us in Sharpie and two weeks straight of not-so-solid poops. Nevertheless, we’ve been attempting to put together the events that transpired, and what we’ve been able to recall is quite… chilling. The account of events that follows comes from the prospective of multiple staff members, but has been stitched together to form a more cohesive narrative: When I came to, I noticed right away that we were no longer on the Quad. My mouth was dry and sticky with the taste of that foul black substance we had been smoking. I tried to stand, but found that my hands had been bound behind my back. Panicking, I called out, “Hello? Where am I?” “Silence!” Squinting through the dim light, I was able to make out a group of hooded figures standing to my right. They were clad in dark robes, completely obscuring their faces. I scooted backward slowly, unwilling to make a sudden move. I could feel the gazes of the hooded figures boring into me. “Do not be alarmed,” the centermost figure spoke suddenly, stepping towards me. Slowly dropping the hood, I realized it was the young man we had met on the Quad! “Hey, listen man, I don’t kno-” “Silence!” Another one of the cloaked figures cut me off. “Proceed with the ritual.” Ritual? What ritual? My eyes darted around the room. An exit. There has to be an exit. My eyes had finally grown accustomed to the low light, and I was slowly becoming able to make out the shape of the room. Something was wrong.

“Are… are we in the Bone Center?” The robed figures ignored me, shuffling slowly until they formed a complete circle around me. “For your blessing, our leader, our compass” they intoned together, male and female voices of all pitches blending together, “we make you this offering of youth. Accept our gift, and grant us your wisdom, that we may prove worthy of your diligence!” My mouth was completely dry. Whatever substance they had tricked us into smoking now prevented me from saying anything. They continued chanting, but I couldn’t understand them. I was sweating. I felt chilled. My vision started to blur. Another member came forth and knelt next to me, putting his hand on my brow. Muttering something under his breath, he paused for a moment; suddenly, he pushed, knocking my head back against the floor. I was on the brink of unconsciousness at this point, but I could hear him get up and guide the others across the room. A loud smack echoed, like wood striking wood… like, say, a gavel. Silence. “The offering has been accepted. I now call this meeting of the Illinois State Student Senate to order…” I passed out, only to awake hours later wet, buried under a pile of leaves on the Quad, and wearing nothing but someone else’s Batman underwear. Days later I would discover the words “Bowman’s Bitch” branded into my lower back, yet still unable to recall the happenings of that night. While we know that this seems farfetched, we assure you, everything that has been presented to you is 100% accurate. Fortunately, none of our staff members seem to have experienced any lasting damages, though the trauma sometimes keeps us up at night. We felt it was appropriate that we share this matter with the students, to warn them of any danger they might be facing. We don’t know why the Student Senate is doing this, or how long they have been at it, but we intend to find out.

N O W HIRIN W RITING | MARK

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Bartender of the Week Relationship Status: Single

What fictional hero would be a dick if he/she was real?: Wonder Woman would totally be some sort of feminist slut.

Major: Biochemistry Favorite Drink: Stella Favorite Shot: Tequila Disgusting Drink: Harp, it’s imported. What’s the best thing about fall at ISU?: It’s hoodie season.

Sonya of Maggie Miley’s Drinking Game

In the far future when aliens discover earth, what modern object will they think is a sex toy that is not a sex toy?: Remotes, they have lots of buttons and one could assume… things.

What’s the worst thing about fall at ISU?: Getting runny noses.

What’s the weirdest Wikipedia page you’ve ever read?: I frequently look up serial killers that fancy my interest.

What grammar error are you continually guilty of?: I suppose I have a cocky use of semi-colons. I’m not really sure how they work.

What message would you like to convey to your arch-enemy?: “I can, and I will hurt you. I also know how to get away with it.”

If you had to eat five pounds of one item, what would you choose to eat?: I would eat 5 pounds of corn for sure.

Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it’s hip and funny unlike normal boring newspapers. It’s like The Onion but for college.

Recipe for disaster

Bottle Bobbing

Fall French Toast

Halloween parties when you were a little kid were the best—all the candy and goodie bags and sweet zombie costumes. You can still host your own while in college, but don’t expect people to be entertained for hours with the Mummy Wrap Race and Pin the Stem on the Pumpkin. Here’s a twist on the typical bobbing for apples challenge.

The one thing that every kid misses about home is having meals prepared for them. We’re talking good meals, not some dining hall dinner surprise. Here’s our recipe for pumpkin french toast that you can let cook overnight so it feels like Mom’s slaving away in the kitchen when you wake up.

What You’ll Need: A large bucket, blindfolds, a small bowl, strips of paper and 20-30 mini bottles of alcohol Number of Players: As many as you want! Level of Intoxication: You’ll get a good buzz going.

What You’ll Need: Crockpot, loaf of bread, 15 oz. can of pumpkin puree, 6 eggs, 1 cup of milk, 1/2 cup of brown sugar, 2 teaspoons cinnamon and 2 teaspoons vanilla extract. Cook Time: 6-8 hours Fatty Factor: If you throw up a lot the night before, it won’t matter.

How to Play: - Get a giant tub, like a Rubbermaid container or a keg bucket, and fill it with water. - Lay down some towels in your living room or on your patio and put the bucket down. - Dump all of your mini alcohol bottles into the tub. - Decide who’s going first and have them put a blindfold on. They have to dip their head into the bucket, grab a bottle with their mouth and bring it back up. - Fill a small bowl with 10 strips of paper, 5 marked “trick” and 5 marked “treat.” - After someone bobs for a bottle, have them pull a piece of paper from the bowl. If it says “treat,” they keep the bottle for themselves. If the paper says “trick,” they give the bottle to someone else for them to drink. Put the paper strip back into the bowl. - Make sure the person drinks his or her bottle before moving onto the next person. - Go until everyone has had a turn, stopping after each person to pull a sheet of paper, distribute the bottle and drink.

Let’s Get Baked: - Dice up your loaf of bread into small cubes and place ‘em inside the crockpot. - In another bowl, mix together the remaining ingredients. - Pour the mixture over the bread in the crockpot, making sure the bread is well-coated. - Let the French toast cook in the covered crockpot overnight on low heat. - Before eating it, take the lid off of the crockpot for about 30 minutes if it looks too moist. - Scoop out your portion and add any toppings you want, like whipped cream, syrup, etc.

The Game Ends When: All the bottles are gone! Or just go back to the liquor store and get some more. They’re only like $2 anyway…

“HEY MOM! The French toast! We want it now!”

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The Black Sheep Interviews

Steve-O

“I don’t know that one guy stands out when it comes to nut shots.”

By: Tim Mackey The Black Sheep recently caught up with Steve-O on his national standup tour. Channeling our eighth-grade selves jumping off garages and lighting tennis balls on fire, we asked him every question we could possibly think of while holding back the strange urge to have him smash something over our crotch. He’s reinvigorated and risen from the ashes, so make sure to check out his new Youtube channel and follow him on Twitter, @SteveO.


The Black Sheep: How’d you originally end up working with the guys from Jackass? Steve-O: There was a skateboarding magazine back in the day called Big Brother, which was little more than a bad influence on kids. I loved it; it was really just the greatest magazine ever. I was in the magazine and the videos. The guy in charge of the operation reached out to Spike Jonze at one point and said “Hey man, everybody loves our videos, but no one cares about the skateboarding. I think if we subtract all of the skateboarding then what’s leftover would be a great TV show.” And when you took out the skateboarding, what you had left was me and Knoxville, and Wee Man, and Chris Pontius — and Bam was making a similar kind of video on the east coast — so we kinda merged camps, the Big Brother guys and the CKY guys and that was sort of how we all came together. TBS: For Jackass 3D you were completely sober. Is there a stunt from the past that you couldn’t have done sober? S: I should say I don’t know if I ever did stunts because I was wasted. I think I’ve always done stunts because I’m an attention whore. Getting sober hasn’t really changed that at all. But there was some particularly reckless stuff, one that comes to mind was being strangled unconscious six times in a row. TBS: By who? S: Ryan Dunn did that. We were on tour in England back in 2003, and Ryan Dunn choked me out six times in a row. Yeah, it was all on camera if you just go on Youtube and type “Steve-O Chokes” you can find it. Another one was on a three-day bender when I jumped out of an airplane with no parachute into the ocean. That one wasn’t so easy.

TBS: How do you feel about having popularized the national phenomenon of butt-chugging? S: Oh man, that is… I am incredibly honored for that. It’s incredible. Knoxville sent me this video about a press conference. There were some college frat kids butt-chugging and there was some kind of outrage about it. It was the funniest fucking thing ever. I think they even called it “buttchugging,” I’m pretty sure I coined that term itself. TBS: You’re known as one of the guys who does the most intense stunts, but which member of the Jackass crew grew the most in their willingness to do horrible things to their body over time? S: I don’t know, man. We all seem to have our different strengths, it’s kind of a “apples and oranges” question. Whenever no one is willing to do something at all, then the idea trickles down to Danger Ehren. He would be at the top of the pile when it comes to willingness, that’s kinda due to his exceptionally low IQ. TBS: In Wildboyz you got a hotdog whipped from your butt with a bull whip and got your ass stung multiple times by an African emperor scorpion, with that in mind, what is the most painful stunt you’ve done? S: Oh god, I hate that question. It’s all just so subjective, man. Pain just has different criteria, the duration of the pain is an issue. While electrocution hurts more than other stuff, it’s quicker. I hate that question.

TBS: Which Jackass team member is most willing to take blows to the nuts? S: I don’t know that any of us are really psyched about it… We each have our own separate strengths when it comes to doing stupid things. But I don’t know that one guy stands out when it comes to nut shots. TBS: Is there anyone that won’t ever do them? S: No, we all do them, but we have considerable… I don’t want to say reluctance because we all do it. I mean we all do it, but we dread it.

TBS: Looking at Johnny Knoxville, he seems to have aged more in the last 10 years than most people age in 30. How do you think you’ve managed to stay young-looking? S: (Laughs) Wow, I’ll take that as a compliment. I feel like I’ve aged pretty heavily as well, but if I guess if I were to agree with you then I’d have to blame that on healthy living. I quit smoking cigarettes and stopped doing drugs and drinking alcohol and I became a vegan. I exercise and stuff, surfing’s a big one. TBS: How many years until Johnny looks like Irving Zisman? S: I don’t know man, (laughs) I don’t know.

something to do? S: I, uh, Dancing with the Stars I really did enjoy a lot, Killer Karaoke had its moments. I, uh… but yeah neither of those two were my favorite. TBS: Either in your career or not, what was the best moment in your life so far? S: I’m so jazzed about my new Youtube channel. I would say that the Youtube channel is the exact opposite of Dancing with the Stars and Killer Karaoke. I get to do what I think is fucking awesome and it’s such a treat and a joy. TBS: How long did it take you to heal from the mighty fist of Mike Tyson? S: Eh, pretty quick. I had two black eyes for a while there. I didn’t notice how long it took my nose to heal because this weird kung fu instructor guy set it straight right after it happened. I’d say like three weeks I was in pretty good shape.

TBS: A lot of the guys, if they were afraid of snakes or spiders, then that’s the stunt they would do. What was your ‘phobia’? S: I hate roller coasters, which is why I was the perfect candidate for the poo potty. I mean I hate snakes too, I really do, but uh I don’t know if... Yeah like that one thing, I mean certainly rollercoasters are a big thing.

TBS: Did you like being on Dancing with the Stars and hosting Killer Karaoke? Or was it just

TBS: I’m telling readers to subscribe immediately to your blog because it’s honestly awesome. What can they expect to see you do on it in the future? S: I don’t know, I don’t want to give up any ideas, but I’m finishing up a lie detector bit. I don’t even know how it’s gonna come out. I got Knoxville to come up a list of hilarious and uncomfortable questions for me to answer while attached to a lie detector test. I don’t know what the questions are, but I imagine they’re gonna be pretty fucking terrible. TBS: What can people expect to see on your tour this year? S: It’s filthy comedy and silly physical tricks. I think what makes my comedy unique and worthwhile is A: I’m absolutely shameless. And B: I’m rigorously honest. So if I tell a story you can damn well believe that it happened. And just judging by how shameless I am you can expect the stories to be incredibly juicy and revealing. You know I’ve been doing stand up for a long time and I’m really finding my voice and that’s exciting. People are really coming out and enjoying the show and that means a lot to me.

TBS: Is it that falling feeling? S: It’s more like not being in control, like I can jump off of shit pretty easily. It’s like with bungee jumping when I’m looking off a bridge, I spent my life kinda jumping off of stuff so much, so I know heights pretty well. I don’t care what’s tied to me, when I look off something that’s 300 feet high, I usually know not to jump so it’s hard to get past that instinct. I mean I had no problem jumping off the tower of London, which is like the tallest thing I’ve ever jumped off of. TBS: You’ve been sober now for five and a half years, no drugs, no alcohol, nothing. So what’s you’re favorite drug to not do? S: I mean… I don’t know how to answer that. I uh… I mean the reality is that if I pick up any drink or drug in short order I’ll be on everything again. I have no delusions about that. I love the saying you know “the alcohol bones connected to the weed bone, the weed bone’s connected to the cocaine bone” and so on…

TBS: You got a tattoo in January of Santa Claus crucified on your arm. Do you have a favorite tattoo? S: I like ShitFuck on my knuckles. I really do. Really because I’m quite proud of having carved out a place in my life that having profanities tattooed on my knuckles doesn’t hold me back. I’ve had ‘em… It’s been about exactly 10 years since I got ShitFuck tattooed on my hands.

TBS: Your giant back tattoo, what was the situation where that was done? Did you wake up and it was there or what? S: We were preparing to shoot the first Jackass movie and Jeff Tremaine said “Hey, don’t waste our time with any half-assed ideas because now this isn’t a TV show anymore, it’s a movie.” And I kinda took offense to the notion that I would suggest any half-assed ideas. So my immediate response to him was “Oh yeah, how about if I get me tattooed on me, larger than me?” My face on my back is way bigger than my face.

TBS: Anything else we should know? S: At the end of every one of my shows, when I walk off stage I never do anything or go anywhere until I take a photo with anyone who wants one, and lots of times people have things they want to ask me or show me. And everybody gets a chance to do that. I stick around until the bitter end, ‘til everyone who wants one gets a photo. I don’t really know of anybody who does that. And it proves to me to be a lot harder of a job to do that than the show itself. I stay committed to that though, because I want to make it a special experience for the fans who are committed to that. Make sure to read the extended interview online at theblacksheeponline.com!


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6 degrees of separation

Kendrick Lamar to

Dana Carvey These two are connected by 6 different people. if you know who, and how, tweet us @BlackSheep_ISU First 3 right answers get a prize!

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Illinois State - Issue 5 - 10/16/2013