The Black Sheep
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Vol. 5, Issue 4
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
10/3/13 - 10/16/13
Illinois State Homecoming:
What Not to Miss
BY: Scoop Chang This year ISU has gone all-out for homecoming. With anniversaries ranging from the 40th year of having a student center with a stupid name, to the 150th year of the Alumni Association soliciting donations from graduates, it’s time to show your pride and spread the red! The Black Sheep will help get you started. Though Homecoming has already begun, most of the big events are still to come. For you artsy types, there’s quite a lot to enjoy, from whatever the hell “The Forever Waltz” is, to that band from Titanic that didn’t go down with the ship. Also, the Rural Documentary Collection Exhibition closes October 6th, so it’s your last chance ever to see black and white pictures of chickens. Remember what Colonel Sanders said “nothing gets your girlfriend craving oral sex better than colorless pictures of farm animals.” But we know what you’re all thinking, “Hey The Black Sheep, where exactly is all of the free food?” Well tubbs, we’ve mapped out your week for you. On October 4th at 5 p.m. there’s the annual hot dog eating contest on the Quad. Keep an eye out for the 3 types of people that can eat more than you. Obviously we have the fat kids, who have been waiting all year to shove unlimited food down their throats without being judged. Then there are the skinny kids, who like Kobayashi and despite their tiny girlish figures, can scarf down more hot dogs than a stoned bear. Which brings us to the final group of competitors: the stoners. Much like the aforementioned fat kids, they’ve waited all year long to get baked and munch on some nitrate-filled wieners. Most of them will smoke themselves paranoid and find it impossible to leave the house; however, the others will be a tie-dyed eating force to be reckoned with. If you didn’t manage to register for the hot dog eating contest, worry not! At 7 p.m., the same day, homecoming royalty are being crowned and more importantly, there will be more free food. We doubt the hundreds of votes we submitted for Chris Brown will actually be counted, but come for the munchies and a bonfire anyway. It’s a pretty big fire, so if you’re going to make s’mores then bring a really big stick or someone you want to see on fire. The ignorant Redbirds might think this to be all of the complimentary cuisine this homecoming has to offer, but they are sadly mistaken. The rivalry to see this year isn’t the Redbirds vs. The Western Illinois Westerners (or whatever their mascot is), it’s all about the gratis grub.
The Vidette is celebrating 125 years of publication with coffee and doughnuts before the parade on Saturday. Not one to be shown up, the Department of Agriculture is throwing a simultaneous coffee and doughnut reception in Ropp 107F. Our sources tell us that Dr. Rob Rhykerd, Chair & Professor of Soil Science, planned the event saying that “The Vidette” are “a bunch of chodes” and that “their doughnuts will give everyone herpes, of both the anus and mouth.” The Black Sheep cannot attest to the legitimacy of these sexually charged claims (he is a doctor), but recommends that everyone attend either reception with caution. After eating some hopefully-herpes/tiny penis-free doughnuts, it’s time for the homecoming parade and the fantastically drunken tailgating we’ve been waiting for. The only two tailgating tents you need to
Top 10: Reason to Go to the Rec But Not Exercise
Mass Suicides Following Conclusion of Breaking Bad
As if the Jamba Juice wasn’t enough!
check out are the Redbird Hospitality tent and the College of Nursing Tent, containing a cash bar and catering from Moe’s Southwest Grill respectively. Everywhere else won’t give you booze or burritos, so why even talk about them. Kick-off is at 2 p.m. and we’re pretty confident in a Redbird victory. We’ve got our shiny new Hancock Stadium which, word has it, is equipped with bees trained to blind the visiting team. So if you’re allergic to bee stings, then now’s the time to streak and face your fear. With that last gem of information, you are all ready to have a great homecoming. Get fat, get drunk, and yell “WOO REDBIRDS!” like it’s your job. Oh, and if you don’t have school spirit it’s ok, just get high and wish you had the courage to go to that hot dog eating contest.
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ISU Disease Watch 2013 covering your cough and wearing a condom might not be enough anymore.
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Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @BlackSheep_ISU and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!
This gothic rock frontman saw Bloodflowers all over the place after unloading a few rounds from a world-renown rifle maker.
tmz takes over Illinois State University
Reasons to Go to the Rec but not Exercise By: Mitch Vaginapun
By: Isaac Dreidelschleitze “Alright, what’s the scoop?” Veteran reporter Isaac Dreidelschleitze sat back in his chair and realized he had put the wrong side of the pen in his mouth. “Guys, we need stories. What do you got?” “ Well…this one guy just broke up with his girlfriend, but I think it was mutual,” said one of the investigators Isaac had hired to find gossip on campus. “Great! I’m on it. Sharon, hold my calls.” Isaac left the headquarters with his camera crew and made his way over to the dude’s house. His name was Steve Mench, and he was in for a surprise. “Alright guys, we gotta be quiet, we’re really gonna get him now. Okay…okay… wait…okay…GO GO GO!” Isaac and his camera crew rushed to the front door and knocked. “Hold the fuck up!” screamed Steve as he made his way to the door. When he opened it, he was bombarded with 4 cameras, 10 microphones, and an inquisitive Isaac. “Steve, how are you? So did you guys have sex before it was over? Who initiated the breakup? Is she seeing someone now, because I could go in for the rebound, if that’s cool.” Isaac was out of breath. Steve walked out and made his way towards the campus while Isaac followed. “Where are you going, Steve?” “Going to class, leave me alone.” Steve was covering his face from the camera and pushing Isaac away. Just then, Isaac spotted an even better story across the Quad. “Guys… over there. Quick!” The entire camera crew rushed over to the opposite side of campus where Isaac had just spotted Brandon Schnittke. “BRANDON!” Isaac shouted as he ran towards him. “BRANDON! WAIT UP!” Aside to his cameramen, he told them. “Brandon allegedly just got a ‘shitty grade’ on his political science paper. This is the good stuff, guys.” As they approached Brandon, he turned around at them, “WHAT.” “Brandon…sorry for your bad grade. Did you not study? Were you up all night playing backgammon with your grandma? Were you… were you sleeping with Steve’s girlfriend? Oh! Guys, make sure you get that down. ‘Local Idiot Student Bangs on Rebound’.” “I didn’t—who’s Steve? Guys…I’m not having a very good day, can you just leave me alone?”
We all know that the Rec is there, but there’s no reason to go there other than to get arms as big as your skull or use the thigh machine that girls think makes their vaginas tighter, or is there? Here’s some tips on getting the most out of the tuition you’re paying to that sweaty display case without having to lift a finger. 10.) It sounds impressive to say you “go every day”: When someone says that they go to the Rec every day, you don’t even question why they’re going there. Hell, they could just be going there for a daily poop, but you’d have to assume they’re in good shape despite their sleek, flabby exterior. 9.) It’s a great place to poop: They’re never out of toilet paper, and unlike your bathroom, you’re more likely to find the seat covered in sweat than layers of caked vomit. Plus, at the Rec you can release your most violent expulsions anonymously — instead of at home where your roommates call you “Poopatron” for the rest of the semester. 8.) There’s free cable: If you can’t afford cable, most of the cardio machines have TVs on them. Just don’t watch anything you’ll get too into, the staff really look down on screaming swears at The Price is Right and falling off of treadmills while trying to celebrate touchdowns.
“Well of course you’re not having a good day! You just failed a test, ya dumbass. Now, just tell us why and we’ll leave you alone.” Brandon began “pulling a Steve,” covering his face and walking. Isaac and his crew followed him up until the street corner where Brandon proceeded to enter a busy University Street and was struck by a car. “Oh,” said Isaac. “Guys… let’s go back to the HQ and get this all down. Back at TMZ-ISU headquarters, Isaac got an anonymous phone call that was traced back to campus. “Isaac, rumor has it, Cynthia Myers doesn’t wash her hands when she goes number one.” Isaac’s grip on the phone gave way, and the phone fell to the ground along with his jaw. “Guys. This is it. The motherload. Follow me.” The camera crew got into Isaac’s Geo Metro and made their way over to Ms. Myers’ apartment, The Flats. “Okay… just… shhh.” Isaac and the camera crew quietly picked the lock in her apartment building and entered cautiously. They found the bathroom and entered, hiding behind the shower curtain. “Let’s just lay low here for a while. Trust me, we don’t want to miss this.” They heard the front door open, and Cynthia hurried to the bathroom exclaiming, “I’ve gotta urinate like a race horse!” Isaac, whispering: “Alright guys, this is it. Be cool.” Cynthia entered and relieved herself. She made her way over to the sink when she noticed the 10 people in her bathtub. Isaac, in his haste had not noticed that the shower curtain was transparent. “OH MY GOD!” screamed Cynthia running out of the bathroom. “Wait, Cynthia! You didn’t wash your hands!” Once the police had arrested Isaac and his camera crew, he had one final statement: “You guys can arrest me, but you can never silence gossip. It is everywhere!” As they drove off to the police station, Isaac proceeded to ask the officer what kind of relationship he had with his mother. Isaac has not been seen since.
7.) There’s free softcore porn: There’s literally hundreds of scantily dressed men and women in the Rec at any given time, and like 13% of those people are hot. Some of them even do squats! Fair warning: you’re definitely not allowed to masturbate. Like not even a little. I barely got it up and they were already throwing me out. 6.) Their showers are less sexual-assaulty than most gyms: We can’t tell you the number of times we’ve been verbally and physically assaulted at other workout facilities (this is mostly due to an immeasurably high number of incidents and blackouts). We can only remember one or two times at the Rec, so it’s probably pretty safe-ish. 5.) There’s a Jamba Juice: Why would they put a Jamba Juice in a building supposedly meant for exercise? Does anyone actually think it’s healthy? It’s clearly just to draw in the rest of the campus. And it works. We’ve gone so much that we must have tried everything on the menu at least three times. Did you know that if you buy five peanut butter shakes in one day, they cut you off? 4.) It makes a decent secret superhero hideout: The Rec even comes preloaded with buff guys and hot girls in spandex to practice battling against, and a bunch of police to run away from after a good battle. It’s even in the perfect position on campus to be a superhero hideout. Well, secret until a paper published it in an article. Sorry, Squat Squad, you’re going to have to move your base before the Cake Queen defeats you. 3.) You can smell the scent of your crushes without them knowing: Everyone knows that attractive people smell the best right before they shower. When too many of their sexy juices have leaked out of their skin, they need to wash them off before they become too irresistible. Once they’re all sweaty from working out, you can creepily stand around the section they’re lifting without them even knowing you’re smelling them. 2.) It’s a great place to stage an elaborate murder: Who’s going to question if your greatest enemy “accidentally” drops a weight onto his neck, or if a medicine ball gets knocked over, rolls down a ramp, tips over a weight pole which hits another medicine ball which falls from the second floor onto his head? The police, but you’ll be long gone by the time they show up. 1.) You can stare at yourself and moan there and no one questions it: They have an entire section with mirrored walls and heavy things so people can excusably grunt while staring themselves deeply in the eyes, begging for their reflections to come to life and plow them right there in front of everyone. It’s great.
Around campus Send us your party pics from around campus to firstname.lastname@example.org
on the Streets What’s the worst piece of advice your parents ever gave you?
r Kailey, Senio
“Go out and live a little.”
“Don’t worry about it.”
r Andy, Senio
“Stop exercising so much, you could do more productive stuff with your time.” 05
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following conclusion of Breaking Bad By: Sevin Ketze The finale episode of Breaking Bad aired this past Sunday, and in the days since the shocking ending of Walter White’s meth empire, 3.5 million Americans have committed suicide. And to make things worse, that number is still rising. The normal U.S. suicide rate is about 20 per 100,000 citizens every year, but since Sunday the rate has risen to about 250 suicides per 100,000 citizens per day. When asked for a comment, the World Health Organization called the 456,250% increase in suicides “very unusual.” ISU has not been exempt from the sudden suicide craze; since the airing, local experts estimate between 200 and 4,300 students-worth of income lost. “I’m shocked. Utterly shocked,” said one student, whose roommate Robert Xanaxbar leapt from his Watterson room early Monday morning. “[Show creator] Vince Gilligan is a sick genius. There’s still one thing I still can’t don’t understand, why did Rob have to crash through the window on his way out? Now it’s hot as shit all day and cold as shit all night. That guy was always a dick.” “I just wish people would leave me the hell alone,” said junior Kelly Pinkerton-Stinfurder, wiping away tears. “After all that, after all I’ve gone through, it turns out it was a lie. They don’t really give you straight A’s for the semester if your roommate dies.” She paused to compose herself. “They said... I’m sorry, it’s just so *sniff* — they said that rule is in place for special circumstances, but suicide doesn’t count, since it’s like fraud or some bullshit. I stabbed her body in the chest as they were carrying her out in case there was a loophole or something, but they said it was too late.” Local police constable Erin Wüdrough wrote a public message for the student body that was sent out through the school’s emergency alert system on Tuesday.
“Students, I am not trying to talk you out of what you know you have to do. I understand the deep hole Breaking Bad has left, a hole that cannot be filled — I’m doing the same thing in a few weeks once I make enough money to leave to my wife and children. All I’m asking is that you consider the poor officers who have to clean up your yucky corpse. So please, we ask you to kindly end your life in a dumpster, or at least have a friend drag your body to a corner on your neighborhood’s garbage day. You can also make the medical examiner’s life a whole lot easier by stapling your ID to your face beforehand.” “In honor of Heisenberg, I’m gonna snort meth until I OD. Lol bye guys :)” tweeted sophomore Poot Smith immediately following the show’s ending. An hour later he tweeted “lol nvm this stuff is sweet” and since then has sent over 450 tweets, mostly containing derogatory comments toward actor Shia LeBeouf. President Obama addressed the suicidal nation on Wednesday. “Although the loss of over 1% of the American population is a tragedy in some ways... this is actually solving a lot of the federal government’s financial problems. Therefore, I am proud to award the Congressional Medal of Honor to every single man, woman, and child who helped put an end to the government shutdown by shutting down their own lives.” He nodded at his teleprompter operator as if to say “it’s okay, go ahead,” and after saluting, the president quickly stabbed himself through the stomach with a long ceremonial sword. “Now that that’s over with, I feel obligated to announce my membership in a post-Breaking Bad suicide pact with the majority of my administration, including a large chunk of the presidential line of succession. JB one, JB two, Leahy, Kerry, Lew, Hagel Bagel, The Holdster, Jewell, Vilsa--wait, no, I think he pussied out. So say hello to President Tom Vilsack, I guess.”
Following the live stream of President Obama’s final motorcycle ride off the cliffs of Heartbreak Hill, Vince Gilligan announced that he was abandoning his Saul Goodman spin-off so he could focus instead on a Marie Schrader-centered motion picture trilogy.
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ISU Disease watch 2013 By: Carlos D. Danger
Dear readers, it’s officially fall, and you know what that means: schizophrenic weather patterns accompanied by a 100% chance of the sniffles. Yes, it’s the time of the year to hoard cough drops and tissue paper while hiding in the quarantine room you built under your bed. Don’t have a quarantine room? Never fear, it isn’t the end of the world – influenza never killed anybody, right? Still, with all the mucus flying around, there remains one disease that often goes undetected amongst the student population. We speak of course, of Non-congenital Senic Apathetica; or as it’s more commonly known: senioritis. Most college students are undoubtedly familiar with this dreaded disease. In fact, the only students unfamiliar with the term are likely those with parents still reeling from the Cold War, in which case the point is moot, as they’ll be safe at home in their quarantine room munching on some canned beans. Still, for the sake of completeness, senioritis is the colloquial term for a neural infection that builds up in the back of the hypothalamus the longer one spends time in an academic setting. Eventually, the infection reaches a critical mass and overwhelms the synapses, preventing the neurotransmitters from firing. This leads to a drastic decrease in motivation, and is often correlated with an increasing consumption of alcoholic substances. The virus typically manifests fully in students nearing the end of their academic careers, hence the term “senioritis.” Medical professionals are unable to explain the origin of this disease, though studies remain ongoing. Furthermore, attempts to combat the virus’s progression have, as of yet, produced few results. Unfortunately, while medical experts can recognize the symptoms of this illness, the community
remains unable to recommend a definitive treatment. This lack of medical aid is especially distressing, as reports have indicated that the infection rate has been especially high this year. One of the nurse practitioners at the Student Health Center – who wishes to remain anonymous – spoke with our staff regarding the phenomenon. “It’s truly a shame. So many promising students have come into our office complaining of the inability to focus on their studies. We’ve tried prescribing lines of Adderall and keeping the students in an isolated room with their books, but most just end up… well… pleasuring themselves to pictures in their anatomy books. We don’t know what to do, and we can’t afford to keep replacing these books!” To those of you suffering senioritis this early in the year, The Black Sheep staff certainly feels your pain. Much as we like to tout our nigh god-like immunity to the typical student problems, even we have been affected. This very article nearly missed publication. Fortunately, the need to inform the student populace of this rampant issue, and prior experience of working through a drunken stupor, enabled it to see print. Due to the infectious nature of this illness, we would like to stress again: lock yourselves away! If you’ve left your quarantine rooms, even just to use the bathroom, it’s likely too late for you. Try to keep yourselves away from alcoholic beverages, or any type of intoxicating substance. Unplug any electronic devices you might have lying around. While these measures will only serve as brief deterrents at best, any progress toward defeating this nasty disease will be welcome. Really, it’s rather hard to make any progress at all. Remember… uh, something. I’ll get back to you. Maybe I’ll remember after a beer.
HALLOWEEN WEEKEND Saturday October 26th
Thursday October 31st
Halloween Costume Party & 3 Contests at 10pm,11pm & Midnight, Live Music with Mathien, $2.75 Bacardi Drinks & Bud Select/Bud Light Lime Bottles, No Cover!
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The Bar Grid Get Ready for Fat Jack’s Halloween Parties!
tuesday: $2 Import and Micro Bottles $2 Well & UV Flavors $2 All Drafts
SUNDAY - WEDNESDAY $2 Any Beer, $3 Any Booze, FREE Juke and Bags
$1 Wells and UV Flavors, $1.25 Miller Family Bottles, $2.50 Bud Family Drafts $2.50 Red Bull n Vodka
College Night w/ DJ at 10pm No Cover! $0.75 Wells, $1.50 Double Wells, $2 Bombs, Bud Light Bottles, Long Islands
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"Lady's Night" DJ EVA at 10pm, No Cover $3 16oz Double Vodka Energy and All Double Wells, Bombs, Domestic Bottles $4 Jager Shots, Long Islands
$2.75 Fat Jack Cocktails, All Flavored Vodkas, Jim Beam & Heineken bottles
$2.75 20oz Miller Lite Draft
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DJ Vamp and Luke on the Drums - No Cover! $3 16oz Tall Double Wells, Bud Family Bottles, All Bombs $4 Jack Daniels, Long Islands
$2.75 Hurricane & Tsunami Drinks, Bud Select & Bud Light Lime Bottles
KARAOKE! $3.50 15oz, $4 20oz import or craft draft beer
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The Bar Grid
SATURDAY: $3.50 24oz cup $3.50 Liquor Special
EVERYDAY: $4 Bud Family Domestic Pitchers $3 Import bottles $1.75 bud family pints
Sunday & Wednesday Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)
$2 Domestic Longnecks $3 Captain Morgan $3 Captain Lime
$5.99 Coney Dog Baskets (with two dogs!), $2.50 138 Shots, $3 Import Bottles and 16oz Pacifico Draft, $3.50 Calls, $4 Domestic Pitchers and Car Bombs $10 Domestic Buckets
$2.50 19oz Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts
$3 22oz Keeper Cup $2.75 Corona $3 Liquor Specials
$5.99 Lasagna & Garlic Bread Free Appetizers (5pm - 7pm), $2.50 Coronas/Dos Equis, $5 Long Islands, $2.50 138 Shot, $3 Import bottles, 16oz Pacifico Draft and Whiskey Mixers, $4 Domestic Pitchers and Car Bombs, $8 312 Pitchers, $10 Domestic Buckets
$2.50 Import Bottles and Malt Beverages
$2.75 Coronas $6 32oz Rum and Coke & Vodka Lemonade
$3.50 24oz cup $3.50 Liquor Special
$2.50 138 Shots, $2.50 Coronas, $3 Import Bottles, $3.50 Calls, $4 Domestic Pitchers and Car Bombs, $10 Domestic Buckets
$2.50 Well Drinks
Sunday Bloody Sunday ALL of our Daily Specials available! $4 16oz Ultimate Bloody Marys featuring Ketel One Vodka
$3.50 24oz Cups $3.50 Liquor Special
$3 Bloody Marys, Import Bottles, Mimosas, Calls and 16oz Pacifico Drafts $4 Domestic Pitchers and Car Bombs, $10 Domestic Buckets
Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)
Mad Monday! $3 All Import Bottles and Microbrew Bottles
$9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)
$4 Domestic Pitchers $3 Fireball Shots
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$3 Smirnoff Vodka Drinks (Any Flavor)
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$1 Tacos (Hard or Soft Shell), $2.50 Coronas, $3 Tequila Sunrise, $3 Import Bottles & Calls, $4 Car Bombs and Domestic Pitchers, $3 16oz Pacifico Drafts, $10 Domestic Buckets
$3 Captain Morgan
$4 Bud Family Pitchers, Vodka Red Bull, & All Bombs
$4.99 BBQ Pulled Pork Baskets, $2 Vegas Bombs, Domestic Bottles and Wells, $3 Import Bottles, $4 Domestic Pitchers, Car Bombs and Jager Bombs, $5 Long Islands, $7 Cruzan Buckets
Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)
Whiskey Wednesday $3 All CALL American, Irish, Scotch and Canadian Whiskey
SATURDAY: $2.75 Coronas $6 32oz Rum and Coke & Vodka Lemonade
Tapper Thursday $3.75 All 20oz Draught Pints
$2 Miller Family Bottles $2 Well Drinks and Well Shots $6 32oz Vodka Red Bulls $4 Bud Light Pitchers
Failte Friday Try our special Long Ireland Iced Tea for $4!
Slainte Saturday: $3 Any Flavor of Three Olives Premium Vodka
Well To Do Tuesday $3 All WELL Vodka, Gin, Rum, Tequila, American Whiskey and Liquors
Whiskey Wednesday $3 All CALL American, Irish, Scotch and Canadian Whiskey
$6 32oz Long Islands
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Students Make Pact to Get Their Shit Together By: Dan Mirabelli As the first round of midterms comes to an end, many students have been shaken to their core as the reality of being at school has finally hit them. The results of the exams took an especially hard toll on two freshmen living in Watterson. “I honestly thought that Syllabus Week was a semesterlong thing, not just literally a week,” said Pete Donnelly, a civil engineering major. Pete, along with his roommate, had been going out five nights a week since school began in August, and they were caught with their dicks in the door (so to speak) when they were slapped in the face with four exams in the past week. Pete’s roommate Steven Billings humbly noted, “Low key, I was our class valedictorian and never studied for a test in my life. School has always been a joke for me.” They received a total of 5 F’s, 2 D’s and an inexplicable A earned by Pete on his HIS 101 exam. When asked how they studied for the exams and if they attended review sessions, their responses were not politically correct: “Do I look like a limp dick pussy?” exclaimed Pete. “Review sessions are for try-hards and needledicks,” added Steven, the previously mentioned valedictorian. When we tried to explain to them that said “needledicks” would probably end up with higher GPAs than “cool cats”
that refused to attend review sessions, they were still not impressed. “The only GPA I care about is Guns, Pussy and Alcohol” said Steven, who received an excited high-five from Pete. When pressed to divulge how much they had actually studied for the exam, they said that they had skimmed the practice exams before they took their midterms but didn’t actually do any of the problems. When asked if they had photographic memories, they laughed and Pete commented that he didn’t have a photographic memory but instead had a “pornographic” memory. When asked to further explain what that entailed, he said, “It’s like normal memory, but everything is like sex.” It was only when they saw the email from their advisors that they began to realize how dire their situation actually is. Faced with two write-ups from their RA for “breaking in and peeing on a foreign exchange student’s bed” and “putting lube on everyone’s doorknobs” on top of their less-than-satisfactory grades, the two are looking at expulsion if their grades do not show improvement. The two have decided that they are making an oath to “get their shit together” in order to bring their grades back up. Although they were informed that not every oath has to be a blood oath, the two were insistent that the pact be written and signed in their blood “to let each other know it was real.” After the first few words, however, a red pen was quickly brought out, as well as antiseptic
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and Band-Aids. When asked why they stopped writing in blood, Pete explained through tears, “from his allergies,” that it was simply unsanitary. Steven spelled out the details of the oath to us, which included cutting down partying to three nights per week, as well as a mutual obligation to start attending discussion sections. “We decided on not including lecture in the oath, because we both know that we’re just going to play Clash of Clans the whole time, so we’re just gonna bite the bullet on that one,” Pete added, which elicited approval from Steven.
The two also agreed that they will be doing their best to attend their TA office hours if they start falling behind, but Steven made it clear that he would not be attending his economics office hours because his TA is a “total hippie that needs to get a haircut and stop talking about NPR.” Although these two students still need to make up a lot of ground, it is heartening to see that they have taken some steps to get their house back into order. We will be keeping up with these two and will be give an update in a couple months to see if they are serious about their oath, since it is mostly written in red pen and not blood.
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Bartender of the Week Relationship Status: Spoken For Major: Graduated Favorite Drink: Orange hip Favorite Shot: Jameson Disgusting Drink: Cement Mixer What’s a fall fashion don’t?: Leopard If you were named mayor of Normal, what would be the first thing you’d do?: Knock down the Uptown Circle.
Drew of Maggie Miley’s Drinking Game Fill the Pumpkin Having a variety of alcohol is always good, right? That must mean that having a variety of alcohol in one drink must be great! Maybe not. Let’s find out. What You’ll Need: A plastic pumpkin bucket, pair of dice, a wide variety of alcohol types and flavors, and friends who have strong stomachs. Number of Players: The more, the scarier. Level of Intoxication: Let’s just say the pumpkin doubles as a vomit bucket. How to Play: - Place the pumpkin in the middle of the table and surround it with booze. - The first person rolls the dice and does the corresponding action with the number rolled. - Two: Speak in a funny accent until it’s your turn again. - Three: Make up a rule. Whoever breaks the rule takes a drink. - Four: Pour a drink into the pumpkin. - Five: Play a round of “Never Have I Ever.” Whoever loses takes a drink.
- Six: Drink whatever is in the plastic pumpkin. - Seven: Make someone else take a shot. - Eight: Pour a drink into the pumpkin. - Nine: Roll one of the dice again. Whatever number you get, drink for that many seconds. - Ten: You’re Question Master until someone else rolls a 10. - Eleven: Rhyming game with autumnthemed words - Twelve: Drink whatever is in the plastic pumpkin.
The Game Ends When: The first person starts looking a little ghoulish. Once there’s vomit in the pumpkin bucket, we doubt you’ll want to keep playing with it.
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When and where was the last time you involuntarily saw someone naked?: Two weeks ago in my living room.
If you could have something named for you after you die, what would it be?: A bar. What’s the worst prank you’ve seen someone pull at a party?: Pushing someone off a roof into a pool. Assuming you had to get a tattoo on your forehead, what would it be?: I’m John Solberg. What new slang word are you tired of hearing?: “YOLO.” What 90s nostalgia is criminally underrated?: Cartoons Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it’s all true!
Recipe for disaster Whiskey Caramel Dipped Apples Autumn is officially here and what a better way to celebrate it than with caramel-dipped apples, infused with booze, of course! They’re a little healthy, a lot sweet and have the potential of getting you a little tipsy. What more could you want? What You’ll Need: A bunch of apples, wooden popsicle sticks, wax paper, caramel bits, your favorite whiskey, and whatever other chunky monkey toppings you want to pack into your mouth Cook Time: We’re guesstimating 25 minutes. Fatty Factor: It’s like 80% fruit, so let’s just leave it at that. Let’s Get Baked: - Place your caramel bits in a bowl. thecaramel caramel/whiskey about 3stirring minutes, stirring after each minute. Stop the - Microwave the for about 3for minutes, after each minute. Stop the microwave microwave after the mixture is melted. after the mixture is melted. - Foreach eachbag bagofofcaramel caramelbits bitsused, used,add add33tablespoons tablespoonsofofwhiskey. whiskey.Stir. Stir. - For - Shove a popsicle stick into one of the apples and dip the entire apple into the caramel mixture, making sure it is completely covered when you’re done. Lift the apple out of the bowl and let the excess caramel drip off. - Roll your apples into the toppings of your choosing or simply place them on the wax paper plain. - Allow your caramel apples to chill in the refrigerator for about 15 minutes before enjoying! Try experimenting with different alcohols and flavors, such as green apple vodka. We suggest steering clear of disgusting dessert flavors, unless you want to see your delicious apple creation in the toilet.
S e x osi
ew! i v e R k o A Bo By: Benny Boy
Although Emily Dubberley’s Acrobatic Sex Positions contains some of the most strenuous and penile-endangering sex positions known to mankind, one often finds that the most difficult aspect of these positions is convincing your girlfriend to do them with you. After all, you can only try these positions solo so many times until you find yourself only able to climax at the scent of moisturizer in the tortoise position. Here we will give you a few of the better sex positions from Acrobatic Sex Positions, all of which have been tested by us firsthand (R.I.P. Valerie), followed by our advice on how to get your significant other to try it with you.
Pick p u e m
Difficulty Convincing: 3/10
What it Looks Like: The man is standing straight up with the woman in front, face down, legs wrapped around his hips and in the resting pushup position. How to Accomplish: If you see this position and don’t immediately think of wheelbarrow races, then your childhood was seriously lacking. Either that, or my uncle Terry has some serious ‘splaining to do! To get your girlfriend to do this one, you will need to hype up the innocent fun of it. Ask her if she would like to do a wheelbarrow race for fun, just like old times. If she declines and looks at you like you’re crazy, say you guys could do it with your clothes off (she might be skeptical at first, but just do your best at convincing her that you will not stick your penis in her). After you guys have started wheelin’ around what you need to do is -- and this is the most important part -- you need stick your penis in her. At first she will be upset, but then it will quickly dawn on her that if she stops using either of her arms to support herself, she will be heading face-first to the floor. Extra points if you can accomplish this during the wheelbarrow race at your neighborhood’s annual family fun picnic.
Tow Truck The
Difficulty Convincing: 2/10 What it Looks Like: The woman is on all fours with the man sitting on her backside, leaning over to initiate penetration. How to Accomplish: This will be one of the positions that will require a lot of prep time. What you need to do first is work really hard at your job, saving money whenever you can. As soon as you have 2-3 grand, surprise your girlfriend with a luxury trip to Morocco. She will want to go to the beach for the first couple of days, and you will need to oblige. Close to the end of the trip you need to insist that the two of you go on a nature expedition. Once in the desert, you need to pretend that you are lost. Panic will set in at first, which is only normal. The desert will be very hot, so you should be removing clothes slowly while telling your girlfriend to do the same. After you are both naked, tell her that you need to rest, only the sand is too hot for you to sit on, so she must get on all fours so that you can rest on her buttocks. Once doing so, and this is the most difficult part, you must violently wrench your penis into a downward 90 degree angle in order to achieve penetration.
Difficulty Convincing: 4/10 What it Looks Like: The man is leaning over the side of the bed head-first. His head is resting on the floor and he is looking under the bed. The woman is sitting on the side of the bed against him. How to Accomplish: This one is really quite simple. In the middle of making love to your woman, stop immediately and announce that you have a gift for her underneath the bed. This sudden interruption will leave the woman frustrated, but that was going to happen anyway. Turn around and dive off the bed head-first into a headstand. Lift up the overhanging sheets and begin “searching” for the gift. After a few minutes, yell out in a panicked voice that you are going to fall on the floor. Tell your lady friend to come and help you by sticking your penis into her for leverage. This works half of the time, the other half of the time the childish behavior makes the girl think she is in the movie Big, which sometimes helps because of the mental association with Tom Hanks.
Part 1 of 3!
wall ang er Difficulty Convincing: 8/10
What it Looks Like: The woman is up against a wall with the man doing a handstand behind her.
Difficulty Convincing: 6/10 What it Looks Like: The man is standing with the woman suspended face up, legs wrapped around his back, and with no support. How to Accomplish: This is another position which will require a lot of prep work. What you need to do first is become a licensed magician. Now, you might be asking, “Do magicians need licenses?” And the answer is, we truly don’t know. However, if you do need one, you’re gonna want to get one for this position. The Backbreaker is going to mimic the age-old levitation illusion. Normally this is done using hidden planks underneath the volunteer, but this time it will be a little different (Hint: You’re gonna use your penis). When you’re performing your routine at a bar mitzvah, county fair, or what-haveyou, plant your girlfriend in the crowd and ask her to come up to participate in the levitation trick. Once you are prepared for the great reveal, mount your lady and go to town. She will be suspended in mid-air, and nobody will be the wiser.
Part 2 of 3!
fA CE D
How to Accomplish: This is just one of those positions which requires a very specific set of circumstances to pull off, but when you do it is that much sweeter. You’re gonna need to find your girlfriend naked up against a wall. Now, this doesn’t happen very often, so when it does you need to be ready. Who knows, she could be doing some naked hamstring stretching, or maybe she is counting while playing naked hide-n-seek. Anyway, when she is in this position you need to get naked, do a headstand, and then just hand-walk your way on over to her. It’s best not to explain. The more you try, the more she won’t understand.
Part 3 of 3!
Difficulty Convincing: 9/10 What it Looks Like: Just like The XXX Wallbanger except now the woman is also doing a handstand. How to Accomplish: At this point you are making love to your girlfriend while doing a handstand. Congratulations. The next logical step is to get her to do a handstand as well. She’s going to ask you why you are banging her while doing a handstand, and you are going to respond, “Is it me that is upside down, or is it the world?” She will think about this for a moment, eventually concluding that her perception of the world, universe, and society at large is just that: a perception. Although this spiritual revelation does not necessitate a physical rotation of the body into a handstand, she will still be more inclined to do so after realizing the subjective nature of the cosmos.
Difficulty Convincing: 10/10 What it Looks Like: Just like the Clasping Handstand except the two are now facing each other. How to Accomplish: To get the move to come to its conclusion, all you need to say is, “You know what, babe? We’ve gotten ourselves into this position, we might as well just face each other and admire us ourselves for the acrobatic weirdos that we are.”
Guess the Guttenberg
Each box features the handsome steve guttenberg in one of his many blockbuster films. do you know which movie each box is from?
Police Academy • Cocoon • It Takes Two • Three Men and a Baby • The Big Green Poseidon Adventure • Short Circuit • The Boyfriend Club • Tower of Terror
Send your answers to email@example.com the first right answer gets a prize!
m.a.s.h. Best Man: - Paul Simon - Paul Walker - Paul Wall - DJ Pauly D
Signature Entree: - Fruit Loops - Snickers ice cream - Spicy mustard - Greek yogurt
Honeymoon Destination: - Sea World - Electric Forest Music Festival - Cuba - Cleveland, OH
Maid of Honor: - Beyonce - Cher - Madonna - Ke$ha
Signature Beverage: - Warm milk - Grape Kool-Aid - Cucumber water - Cement mixer shots
Honeymoon Adventure: - Twerk-off - Drug smuggling - Ceramics class - Shoplifting
Animal of Honor: - Shamu - Geico gecko - Flipper - Ed the Horse
First Dance Song: - “Fuckin’ Problems” - “Wrecking Ball” - “Hoochie Mama” - “Blurred Lines”
You live happily ever after... - as traveling carnies. - debating politics every day. - shopping at Whole Foods. - getting into the EDM scene.
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your future How to Play: Dash some lines until someone, or your brain, tells you to stop. Take the number of lines and go down the list, and cross off every time you get to your numbers. Where there is one left in each category, that is your future. Yeah, you remember this from elementary school - don’t pretend like you don’t.
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