The Black Sheep
fr ee at ... l fa ike nc th yr e es silv ta ur erw an ar ts e .
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 4, Issue 3 2/14/13 - 2/27/13
The Inside Chang: oh no!
Community Service in Blo-No Scoop Chang wrote this
So your resume looks good, you have an internship, job experience, and decent grades. But you’re missing something critical: philanthropy. Nothing pads a resume better than serving your crappy, ungrateful community! But you don’t want to work at the hospital changing bedpans and you don’t want to have to do any real work. So The Black Sheep went out into the wild unknown of Bloomington-Normal to find the best volunteer opportunities. First stop: Old people. We stopped by the McClean County Nursing home and was surprised by what we saw. We have frequently participated in dogfighting and cockfighting rings at Al Bowman's summer castle, but sitting there watching old men duke it out for petty cash was horrible. The worst was watching the bouts between crippled men. We had never heard of wheelchair jousting, but we had to check it out. The orderlies put two babbling fogies into their chairs and gave them both javelins. With a mighty push the two men collided and the victor was the one determined to be “more alive.” After a few rounds we couldn’t stand it anymore… Also, we ran out of cash. After that awful display, it warmed our hearts to go to the animal shelter. This was definitely our favorite philanthropy; all we did was play with puppies all day. We would pick them up and weigh them and feed them copious amounts of butter. We weren't sure why we were supposed to do that, but it sure made the homeless puppies happy. Then came the best part of the day, adoption time! We would open the doors and the same 5 restaurant owners would come in and adopt at least 6 of each little critter! We can’t imagine what it must be like to live at their house with hundreds animals all running around. Mr. Wong was the most caring of all; he would only ever take the heaviest cats and the meatiest dogs. There's still some good in the world after all! Next stop was working at a homeless shelter. And when we say homeless, we mean homeless. These people were some of the poorest, smelliest hobos we’ve ever had the displeasure of meeting. We spent all afternoon making their smelly old cots and putting smelly old mints on top of their smelly old pillows. It was so tiring we had to take a nap on the memory foam mattress (which is reserved for volunteers). Later we had to feed the monsters – but we were happy to see one of the pet-adopters from before running the entire operation, even though he didn’t invite us back to his puppy mansion. After ladling chunky green-brown goulash into a paper bowls we decided to order a few pizzas. We ate so much we
The Top 10: Ways to Get Out of Missing an Exam It's as easy as giving a dog a jar of peanut butter.
could barely move, so after throwing the extra slices away we slept for a few more hours. We don’t recommend working there unless you lack a sense of smell and feel like giving people seconds who don’t even deserve firsts. Cleaning up trash along the side of the road is a great way to give back to the community, and downtown Main Street is always the worst of the worst. Old heroin needles and dead hookers as far as the eye can see, just like when we'd have Christmas at Uncle Ralph's. We each put on our nicest HAZMAT suits and grabbed with
Juicin' for Midterms ATTENTION, EVERYBODY! I AM LOOKING TO BUY SOME DRUGS! CAN ANYBODY HELP ME OUT?!
stabby pokey sticks to pick it all up. The hookers were the hardest part. We’d stab em and they’d fall off the stick right before we could get them in the dumpster, but isn’t that always the hardest part? So take your pick, you can watch an old people fight club, watch over poor meat-and-bone animals, deal with grotesque homeless people, or get hookers and drugs off the street. Getting out there and helping the community is the second best way to make you feel great, right next to one of those tasty Catburgers from Mr. Wong’s Mystery Meat Van.
How to make long distance dating work We've got plenty of tips to help put off the inevitable breakup.
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page three ! k e e W e h t f o c i P word of the week Bartition:
The four-deep line of people separating you from the bartender. “Damn this bartition! If I don’t get a gin and tonic pronto I’m going to have to sleep with that uggo sober.”
Meet The Staff campus manager Kevin Setze Editorial manager Kevin Setze Advertising Manager Kenneth Porter Writers Mike Atkins, Jeremy Ber Joe Ruskey, Tim Mackey, Kevin Setze photographer Tim Mackey distribution manager Jason Snyder Social media manager Isabella Yates
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ways to Get Out of Missing an Exam
When the exam make-up policy of every professor on campus is essentially “Haha, screw you,” you've got to get a little more creative. Here are some handy ways to get you out of trouble when you couldn't get out of bed! 10.) Drink...some poison: Just head on down to the ol' Poison Shoppe and pick out something nice and mild. Down it, then head to the doctor's office to get your illness all official and documented. As a bonus, you can claim your roommate tried to kill you. Hello, single room! 9.) Forge an athletic excuse: Professors see these so much, we bet they barely even look them over. Just type out something official-sounding, like “Hello professor, Sevin had to miss the exam because he was footballing with us in another state. We know academics are important, but we needed him to shoot the points so we could beat the other team's sportsmen. From, The Coach.” 8.) Exploit your minority status: “I bet you'd let me retake the test if I was WHITE, wouldn't you?” Even if you won the skin color jackpot, there's always something you can claim. “Is this because of my Algonquin great-great-stepmother?” or “You're just picking on me because I'm a eunuch!”
The Ugly, The Uglier, and The Ugliest:
Weird Relationships You See in College
7.) Give your dog a jar of peanut butter: Ha ha, look at him! Awwwww! Ohhhh, he's got some on his nose! He can't stop licking his snout! Haahahaaaawwwwww! See, you already forgot all about that exam you missed! Now granted, this is a short-term solution, but you can make it work with a long-term supply of peanut butter.
Joseph Carter wrote this People get freaky in many ways -- some see how many dicks they can stick in their orifices, some wait until marriage to find out how disappointing sex can possibly be, while others masturbate alone with belts wrapped around their necks. Whatever the case, there are always weird relationships that bloom out of sexual lust, and college is the perfect breeding ground to see some odd pairings.
the bad rap for getting a little somethin’ somethin’ from one of their students, but it’s probably the student who initiated it in the first place. Those frequent visits to their office, the exchanging of numbers, the “accidental” peeking-out thong or the unintentional dick pic (trust me dudes, nothing gets a she-fessor more steamy than a picture of your shriveled furry pecker), are all initiated by the student.
The Love Birds: They’re inseparable, they’re madly in love, and they’re too afraid to be alone with their thoughts (it's impossible to be sad when you're co-dependent, right guys?!). Love Birds never leave each other alone, they are always together, whether they're eating, sleeping, bonking or some weird combination of the three. Until it inevitably ends, you will never interact with just one of them at a time. They come as a pair, so you’ll know not invite anyone who’s in one of these relationships to any sort of function, as the two Love Birds will just baby talk the shit out of each other the entire time.
The Shit Shows: This couple doesn’t just drink or smoke or snort. These two do it all, and to a point well beyond excess. They get so fucked up that Hunter S. Thompson would tell them to see someone for help. Their desire to get brown out drunk and rail lines of cocaine at locales such as Chuck E. Cheese's (because who would expect that?) makes them an unsavory sort, which is why they’re together in the first place – because everyone else is absolutely terrified of them.
Pre-Professional: One’s pre-law. The other’s premed. Together they will rule the world. There are many famous examples of the pre-professional couple. Bill and Hillary Clinton, Jay-Z and Beyonce, Bert and Ernie; these people didn’t marry each other because they were in love with each other, they got married because they're in love with themselves. Watch out for the pre-pro couples you come across in college, as they wish to domineer the Earth with iron fists and cold hearts, and they will run you over (together) in order to accomplish their goals. Professor-Student: The kinkiest one of them all – an elder mentor spooning and humping their way out of a midlife crisis with a gorgeous young student, who just wants to get an A in the damn class. Typically the professor is the one who gets
The Mismatch: These people could not be more different. One is a steroid-fueled, window smashing,football star, while the other is an English literature major who wears horn rimmed glasses and likes foreign movies. Sorry, foreign films. Geez. Some say that relationships like this exist because of love, but all the smart people know that love left the world when John Lennon died. Mismatched couples are around mostly because people give up the search for their special someone, and decide that having their head banged against the headboard over and over again is better than having to sleep alone at night. So there you go. People get in relationships for some pretty crazy reasons, but living in a free country, it's just something that the rest of us have no choice but to watch. And talk about. ...And make TV shows about.
6.) Make a sacrifice: Any of your relatives will do. Once they go limp and stop beating frantically at your chest, snap a couple pictures for proof. Come to think of it, it'd probably work just as well if you just made up a phony funeral announcement. Oh well, no use crying over killed ilk. 5.) Get your professor's priorities straight: Head to any military surplus store, buy a deactivated grenade, and lob it into your professor's office. Once they're done freaking out, walk in and say “Gee, when you think you're about to die, me missing a test doesn't seem like that big of a deal, huh?” 4.) We're not gonna take it!: Making a big scene is a surefire way to get yourself out of nearly any situation. Go to your professor's office and start yelling about your rights, even if you don't know what they are. Set some shit on fire and yell into a megaphone. Complain about all the whales that were killed to make the paper for the exams. 3.) Bribe your professor: That's it. We don't have any jokes for this one, 'cause this is actually a serious idea. Hey, come on, you can have a real idea or you can have another stupid joke, but not both. All right, fine. Give them money and then, we dunno, fart on their face or something. Whatever. 2.) Be honest: We don't mean tell the truth, that's stupid! Think of something so embarrassing, they'd never suspect somebody would be desperate enough to lie about it. “To be honest, I had another tongue-wart flare up and couldn't breathe. My tongue locked together with my throat warts like they were Legos.” 1.) Drop that shit like a hot potato: The reality of the situation is, you're screwed. Lighten your class load and move on. If the missing credit ends up being a problem when you're applying to graduate, just bring your dog and some of your peanut butter to the graduation ceremony, and steal a diploma while the whole arena is distracted by the adorable scene.
sevin ketze wrote this
From the Streets
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What's your favorite thing to do on a rainy day? “I like to ditch class and bake bread.” - Amanda W., Junior
“I build model dream homes with a big glass of chocolate milk.” - Meriel B., Sophomore
“I read novels from the better half of this century.” - Lee S., Senior
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bartender of the week Luke r. pub II What’s your favorite drink: Budweiser for beer, and for cocktails I like 7&7's and gin and tonics. What’s your biggest fear: I hate centipedes. Always have. What’s your favorite color: Royal blue, I always liked the color of landing lights because when I was a kid I used to fly a lot. You’re chased by bees, what’s your first move: Stop, drop, and roll, while flailing wildly. If you could fight any historical figure, who would it be: Napoleon, I’d need to fight a guy my size. I bet I could take him. Who’s your favorite Superhero: The Flash, he’s underrated. Also I like his red jumpsuit.
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Hey, Nature — Stop Being a prick Mitch Vaginapun wrote this Ah, Bloomington-Normal in the wintertime. The fat squirrels scampering across the quad, the sound of squealing tires as cars spin out of parking lots, the sun’s early retreat constantly reminding us of the ever-closer darkness that will inevitably consume our existence, and girls’ nipples poking through their shirts. And who could forget the best part of winter, the skies opening up and letting out… a thunderstorm? A thunderstorm? In the middle of winter? Are you shitting me? And the day after it snows? And then it’s like 60 again? The Black Sheep decided to sit down with Mother Nature and ask the hard hitting questions everyone else is afraid to ask, like, “Why are you being such an indecisive dickhole and what exactly we can do about it?” The Black Sheep: Hey there, Mother Nature. Thanks for sitting down with The Black Sheep. Or, thanks for letting us sit down on you. This is a nice park – good job. Mother Nature: Thanks for talking to me. And for not throwing that 40 on the ground after you chugged it. But you really shouldn’t be drinking so early, it’s only 10 a.m. TBS: What are you, fucking Father Time? Mother Nature sat silently for several moments as a light drizzle started to fall. MN: I.... TBS: Oh, oh man. You were riding old man time’s hourglass? Grooooooooosssss. The rain started to fall more heavily, soaking the tank-tops of the
women who had decided to take advantage of the warm weather. So we took advantage of the view. TBS: Um… Sorry? MN: No, no, it’s fine. I need to move on. TBS: Alriiiiight then. So the reason we wanted to talk to you because you’ve been pretty hot lately. MN: Well, at least someone thinks so. TBS: No, we meant that in a bad way. How can we phrase this delicately… What the hell have you been thinking? MN: Excuse me? TBS: I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, but it’s winter. You know the temperature right now? MN: Sixty-fiTBS: Sixty-five mother sucking degrees, that right. You know why that’s a good idea? Me neither. MN: Fine, then. You want it cold? I’ll make it cold. The temperature instantly dropped 45 degrees. The Black Sheep staff's collective, amorphous genitals ascended into our body at a speed so high researchers are studying whether it exceeded the speed of light. TBS: Okay, sorry, sorry. No need to get your nips all hard. Do you even have nipples? IS THAT WHAT MOUNTAINS ARE!? MN: You men are all the same! You disgusting pigs! The weather darted up again, shattering the previously flash-frozen shirts of women all around the quad. Even the ugly ones.
Juicin' for Midterms Isaac Dreidelschleitze Dick cheese wrote this
So apparently it's our fault the weather is so finicky. We’re sorry, we just love breasts too much to deprive the world of them. Every season has its breast-vantages, and we don’t want to wait that long to see them, so we’re going to keep messing with Mother Nature. But hey, make the best of it. Warm day? Have a day kegger outside. Cool day? Have a day kegger inside but keep the keg outside so it stays cold. We at The Black Sheep are just looking out for your breast interest. P.S.: Mother Nature if you’re reading this crumpled up paper in front of Watterson – father time said you were like a dead fish in the sack! Now make spring happen now!
We’re sure you’ve all heard about Lance Armstrong admitting to using performance enhancing drugs to win races and be an overall badass, in spite of his one shriveled testicle. So, our writing staff thought: if PED’s can make Lance Armstrong win races, maybe they can help people with their grades too! To test out our theory, we sent our very best journalist on staff, Isaac Dreassomething, to The Alamo II. The following are his notes: “I’ll take five steroids please, and hurry! I wanna be awesome now!” The woman at the counter gave me a strange look. Hmm…maybe they don’t carry them. I know! I’ll ask the jocks! I bought a ticket for that night’s basketball game and sprung for a floor seat. The game was enjoyable enough, but I had a mission to accomplish. A ball went out of bounds near me and one of the players approached me. “Hey! Hey dude, I got a quick question for you.” I walked onto the court and started talking to one of the lessthreatening white players. “Do you know where I could… get some…drugs?” I awoke in a hospital bed several hours later with no recollection of anything after that. Gosh darn, am I ever going to get any steroids? These things are harder to find than an English speaking professor in the math department. A doctor approached me shortly after and told me what had happened. “Son, you were punched out cold by a Redbird. That’s what the sheet says, at least. Fuckin’ pussy. Gets beat up by a bird. Do you even lift?” He looked around to see if anyone was listening in on the conversation, then leaned in close to me. “Son, I’ve got this medicine I could give to you... to make you… you know, less of a dweeb.” “Steroids???” I sat up in excitement and my catheter filled up. “Yes. Here’s the prescription. Have fun!” I opened the bottle and quickly downed seven pills. This
is gonna be awesome. The next day in class I raised my hand to every question posed. I paid attention and actually felt good about myself! It was fantastic! But then… I started to feel an undeniable urge to be the best. That girl who gets A’s on all her exams was suddenly starting to piss me off. I leapt from my seat, grabbed her notebook and threw it out the window. “Hey! That’s mine you little shit!” she screamed. “Just leveling the playing field, Suzy. I know you do drugs to make yourself better in class. Well now I do them too. So I’ll see ya on exam day. We’ll just see who does better. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!” Well, exam day came and I realized that I didn’t actually know anything. I just lifted weights and bought a lot of sleeveless tees while everyone else had been studying for the test. I failed miserably. But I still got my awesome guns! I even broke a few bitch pencils while filling out the Scantron. Chyeah! My professor approached me the day after the exam and pulled me aside. He said, “Isaac, I’ve noticed a big decline in your work ethic, but also a massive gain in your neck muscles and acne. Are you… juicing?” “Juicing? What? That’s preposterous!” I exclaimed while curling the professor, 10 reps on each side. “I’d never do such a thing!” “Isaac, I’m going to have to report you to the Academic Board. You'll be removed from the Dean's list, and we're going to have your name legally changed to “Dick Cheese.” So here I am, kicked out of school with nowhere to go. Kind of bullshit when you think that everyone else in the university is probably doing it too. I wish The Black Sheep would stop assigning me articles that always land me in jail. But to pass the time, I carved this article in a slab of iron.
we interview: monica theiu, 2012 jeopardy! college champion THIS! IS! AN INTERVIEW WITH THE 2012 JEOPARDY! COLLEGE CHAMPIONSHIP WINNER, MONICA THIEU! Now a student at Stanford University, last year she steamrolled her competition to win a cool $100,000. She’ll be participating in the Jeopardy! Tournament of Champions, airing February 15th. Sure, she may know Chopin’s “Minute Waltz” is in D flat major, but does she know how to love? By: Brendan
5% I could make a good guess. There were a few categories where I didn’t know anything.
TBS: Why did you want to be on Jeopardy! so badly? Monica: I did quiz bowl stuff in high school, I’ve always known random crap, but I didn’t really know it was useful until high school. Then I was like, “You can win stuff for knowing shit? That’s great!” With Jeopardy! , I like being on TV, and I thought it would be something fun to do.
TBS: In turn, did you ever try to get in not knowing what the answer was? Monica: Sometimes you’d see the question and you think you can figure out in the five seconds they give you the answer, then you realize you can’t.
TBS: What did you do to study between learning to be on the show and arriving on set? Monica: There’s a website online that archives old games with transcripts with old questions and answers. I went back and mined it for questions and answers, comparing the questions they ask with things I know and things I don’t. Hopefully, I would only be studying the things I really needed to study. TBS: What’s different between watching it on TV and playing in the studio? Monica: When you’re watching the show, you don’t realize how much it’s a buzzer-based game, as opposed to an answers-based game. Sure, there may be some answers a contestant might not know, but so much of it was I knew the answer, but I was too slow on the buzzer. So often people would say, “How come you didn’t get that?” and I knew the answer, but another contestant beat me to getting there. TBS: What percentage of questions did you know? What percentage did you answer? Monica: I'd be confident answering 80% to 85%, and another
TBS: What percentage of the questions did you get in on? Monica: Not that many. Maybe half of the questions I knew? That’s a very generous estimate; I was not very good on the buzzer.
TBS: When they go to a judge for a clarification, is that TV magic? Or is it really like a 2-second call on their part? Monica: Totally [TV magic]. None of my games had a pause when judges were reconsidering answers, but they’ll reevaluate a question during a commercial break. One of the times I was watching, it was a half hour break as the judges debate. TBS: What question were you proudest of answering? Monica: I’m not sure there’s a question I’m proudest of answering. I got all of the Final Jeopardy! questions correct, so I guess I’m proud of that. A couple of those were well-placed guesses. A lot of Jeopardy is a game of educated guessing. If you’re good enough to connect the dots, you can figure it out. TBS: What is Alex Trebek like? Monica: He’s a character, though we didn’t have as much time to spend with him as I thought we were going to. Basically, he’ll come out for the game, and then leave immediately to change for the next game and whatnot. We had promo photos with him, though. He’s a nice guy, but he’ll sass the audience sometimes during the commercial breaks.
How To Make Long Distance Dating Work Mitch Vaginapun wrote this
Credit: Jeopardy! Productions TBS: The constant interviews seem miserable. They are, right? Monica: Dude, they’re the worst! I wish we didn’t have to do them. I hate watching other peoples’ contestant interviews, I hated my own contestant interviews. It’s the most awkward part of the show, can we just not do this? Sometimes Alex will make a quip or innuendo and you’ll be like, “All right Alex, you go do that.” TBS: So how has winning this changed things for you? Monica: I’ve only had a few people recognize me in public, like at McDonald’s. Otherwise, it’s just funny when I have to explain to people that I was on Jeopardy! , they’ll be star struck for like, one minute. For the most part my life hasn’t been super different. TBS: $100,000 isn’t too bad, though. Monica: Oh, no no no. But taxes.
If there’s one piece of advice every college student has received at some point it’s, “Don’t date long-distance.” It’s good advice. You may try to avoid doing it, but it happens. You meet the love of your life, anger-date your ex-best friend’s sibling, or the most likely scenario, you drunkenly made a baby on Valentine’s Day. Here’s some ways to make those relationships work, either because you want them to, or it’s in your best legal interest. Talk. A lot: Oh, you already talk a lot, huh? When’s the last time you talked? What’s the last thing the person with the other half of that baby’s DNA ate? Don’t know? Talk more. What’s the last thing your friends did without you because you're too busy talking? Can’t think of anything? Talk more. Talk in the shower, talk on the way to class, talk in your sleep. ATT&T should make you their poster child when it’s all said and done. And to pay for all those phone bills, you’ll probably have to… Get a job: This may seem kind of counterintuitive. How am I supposed to have a job AND talk to mah boo? When will I see my friends? Haha, that’s cute. Friends. Trust me, you’re going to need that extra income when you... Spend all of your money on each other: You know the guy pays for the ultrasound, right? You can't break a tradition that strong, that'd be like neglecting to buy a new horse for your nephew on his golden birthday. Or worse, paying for tickets to a movie that only she wants to see, so you can see it at the same
time in different theaters and then talk about it. And don’t forget, you’ll be buying... Gifts out the ass: Sometimes literally. She’s sad? Buy her a gift! You're sad? Buy a gift for yourself and say it’s from her to cheer you up! Accidentally have sex with a few people at a Scientologist orgy? Wrap city, bitch - you don’t want anything revealing showing up when you send… Dick pics: You’re either going to have to get used to taking them or get used to receiving them. Dick pics are the ultimate mix of, “I miss you,” and, “Why aren’t we having sex?” You have to be careful that you don’t take a picture with the wrong angle. Make your penis too big and it’s legally fraud, too small and hahahahaha, look how small your dick is! Make sure you send compliments if you're on the receiving end, because if you don’t you might miss out on the most important part of long distance dating... Putting out: If your genitals/orifices aren’t getting wet/inserted into during the time you actually spend together, it’s not going to work. You may be saying, “But we’re waiting until marriage!” You may be lying. And if you aren’t, you’re going to crash and burn. You certainly aren’t getting any while you’re apart (none that you're admitting to, at least), so you’d better get some while you’re together. The Black Sheep hopes these tips help you out. Unless you’re attractive, in which case, hit us up, we’ll treat you right. Just remember to open your hearts and your legs.
seth macfarlane's oscar monolouge Good evening, and welcome to the 2013 Academy Awards! You know, when they asked me to host this year I said, “Sure, it should be easier than that time I hosted SNL and the ghost of Florence Nightingale put a frozen banana in my butt!” Anyway, I’m sure you’re all more excited to get this over with than John Madden’s colon after he mistook three pounds of pepper jack cheese for a rotisserie chicken! Now, if you haven’t seen the lovely Anne Hathaway -- where are you Anne? Beautiful, didn’t she and James do a great job last year? It was a meeting of ugly and stoned meets elegance and beauty, like when George R.R. Martin wanders onto a multiple-blowjob scene in Game of Thrones. Let’s start with a look at the Actor in a Leading Role candidates - we’ve got a manic depressive, a bipolar, two drunks, and a former inmate. Boy, sounds like a Monday night at Robert Downey Jr.’s house. It’s been a tight race for Actor in a Leading Role. Bradley Cooper, of course, did a wonderful job capturing a tortured bipolar man. But boy, audiences haven’t been faced with that much spousal abuse since Rihanna told Chris Brown he missed a button. Speaking of Silver Linings Playbook, Jennifer Lawrence is an amazing actress up for an award. Even now, though, the talk about Jennifer isn’t as much about how she’s a great actress, it’s about how comfortable she is in her own skin. No offense, Jennifer, but most people would be pretty comfortable in a 22-year-old woman. Only Roman Polanski would say that it’s too loose of a fit. Probably the biggest discussion of a film’s ability to make its audience think surrounded Kathryn Bigelow’s Zero Dark Thirty, and the message it sends about torture. Namely, that being waterboarded is more pleasant than sitting through all of Beasts of the Southern Wild.
In "massive buyout of a failing organization news", this year George Lucas sold Star Wars to Disney. The news only got better when Walt Disney himself awoke from his cryogenic state to design the Jewish version of Jar Jar Binks himself. [Evil voice] “Yes, his name is Jewba the Hutt and he wants to melt C-3PO and ruin America’s economy.” This year a lot of people thought Paul Thomas Anderson’s The Master would receive a nomination for Best Picture. Those people were wrong, and his Scientology allegory didn’t get the nod. If you ask me, no story about a dead, invisible entity loved by many has been snubbed that hard since Manti T’eo’s spec script for My Real-Life-I-Swear-To-God-She Exists Girlfriend: A Love Story was passed over by Harvey Weinstein. Speaking of closeted homosexuals who preach love for invisible weirdos, Tom Cruise couldn’t make it this evening. When Katie Holmes’ lawyer told him he would have to take care of Suri tonight, he was more disappointed than when his agent let him know he’d be starring in Jack Reacher, not Jack Reach-Around. There was another snub this year too, a little movie named Ted that wasn’t put up for any awards. If you ask me, it was the best film of the year, and not just because I made millions of dollars from it. It’s also because I’ve made millions and millions of dollars for it. I haven’t seen a joke that selfreferential since the last twenty years of Al Pacino’s career. And how about Life of Pi? Life of Pi is up for Best Picture this year. Good thing Bruce Vilanch hasn’t seen it, around him a Pi’s life is what? 20 minutes, tops?
Everyone knows what a treat Daniel Day-Lewis is, especially when he’s working on another personality. Audiences everywhere felt like they were looking at Abraham himself, but one thing he failed to capture with Lincoln, was honest Abe’s wellknown habit of parading around the White House dressed as a John Wilkes Booth’s wife and offering “moral oral” to everyone in sight - that was Booth’s motivation. He wasn’t against Lincoln’s policy, he just thought he was a jerk! Of course the indomitable Denzel Washington, great to have him here tonight. Denzel is the predominant race educator of our times. In 1992 as Malcolm X he taught us that success by any means necessary is still success, and in 2001 he taught us that King Kong was actually a large black man, not an ape. Well, he’s at it again this year with Flight, showing us that even when a black guy saves a hundred lives, it’s only after he shows up late and unprepared for work. And hey, what do you know? That brings us to our first award of the night. Here to present the award for Best Adapted Screenplay is James Franco in a dress. I haven’t seen someone this comfortable in the opposite sex’s clothes since...James Franco hosted the Oscars last year.
the crossword: wild animals Across 3) You and this animal sleep up to 14 hours a day, makes sense that we’re pseudo related. 7) This king can grow to 5.5 meters. 8) They only ever have perfect, identical quadruplets. 9) Just like your stoner roommate, this eats all types of food. 10) Keeps you on pins and needles. 11) A seven deadly sin, and you on Sunday. 12) All of these bears are lefthanded. 13) A herd of these are called a “blessing,” and they truly are
one. 15) U. of Wisconsin mascot. 18) Drunk sailors once thought these were mermaids. 19) No, man, you’re not tripping; these animals have rectangular pupils. 20) These guys walk on their knuckles to protect their long claws. Down 1) Is it black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?! 2) Rudolph’s favorite fruit. 4) Girls will be a sexy this on Halloween. 5) Hay, why the long face? 6) Their skin is protected by Pink Sweat, which isn’t a line of Victoria’s Secret clothes. 11) A tomato-juice bath usually doesn’t even get rid of this animal’s smell. 14) A 40+ hot woman. 16) Cartman’s vigilante character, the real name. 17) A big ole’ saltwater cow.
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