The Black Sheep fr
... l on ike t ev he l er y v eft eg ove gi e t r ca ra ul i y, ev flo er we . r
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 4, Issue 2 1/31/13 - 2/13/13
Valentine’s Day Backup Plans Isaac Dreidelschleitze wrote this
Got a hot date for Valentine’s Day? A real go-getter? A real hum-dinger? A real—okay we’ll stop now. In any event, we’re glad for you. Not all of us are so lucky. Some of us had hot dates but they canceled on us. Some of our moms told us that the dumb college girls didn’t know what they were missing out on, and that we were the handsomest boys in school. In any case, if you find yourself in the unlucky situation of having no date on Valentine's Day, don't fret! The Black Sheep has some backup plans for you, so you don’t have to spend your night alone with Peter Gabriel playing, trying to trick yourself into thinking ole’ lefty is a little bit better. Spend Valentine’s Day with your mom: Sure! Why not? Your mom is the coolest! Well, at least mine is. You two could go grocery shopping and she could judge your driving habits. You could sit down at home and watch season two of Monk and you won’t even remember the hot date you almost had! It’s perfect. Then, to end the evening, you could sleep in your childhood bed and live as carefree as a creepy middle-aged dude living in his mom’s basement. Spend Valentine’s Day with YOUR mom: I can’t think of a better way to spend Valentine’s Day than with your mom! She seemed really cool when we met on Family Weekend. Oh, you didn’t hear about that? It was probably when you and your dad were going to the football game and she just stayed behind. She told me I was like “the son she never had” after we banged. What do you think about that? I've got her saved in my phone under “Mom #2.” We even got matching sweaters. Get Drunk: Some psychologists and friends and parents and pretty much everyone else would say you shouldn’t drink to escape depression. But you know what we say? Screw ‘em! Get your favorite beer or hard liquor, curl up in a ball and watch season two of Monk. Seriously though, it’s fantastic. If your roommates ask you why you’re crying and clutching a can of Schlitz, just explain to them that this episode reminds you of your grandpa. They'll go away. Listen to some Frank Sinatra and cry blood: When everyone else is out falling in love, why not spend this great opportunity getting to know that old crooner Frank a little better? He’s sure to depress the hell out of you, but if you play it loud enough, people having sex next door might even get sad too! Start crying loudly and ruin everyone’s night, then go to sleep once you're satisfied the moment is ruined for everyone else. How's that for leveling the playing field?
St. Prankentine's Day
Do some homework: While your roommate’s in the other room with his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day watching season two of Monk, you can get ahead in your classes! Your human anatomy teacher will appreciate it. And then maybe later you can appreciate her human anatomy, if ya know what we mean. Heh. Sex. Sex is what we mean. Plus, you can work the holiday into your homework! Turn that integral sign into a heart, study the periodic table while your tears stain the paper, gently caress a
bartender of the week
We just can't wait until Fool's Fest, we want it now!
Maddy from Brewe-Ha's is married a Canadian... yuck!
detailed diagram of a vagina. Get creative, throw in whatever body fluids you've got! Now go out there and get ‘em! You’re going to have the best Valentine’s Day ever! Don’t believe us? Your mom believes us. Listen to your mother! Come on, she listens to us. And we’re very happy. We don’t think you’d want to disrespect someone who could be your dad one day.
Back in the Swing of writing papers Not quite used to pulling an all nighter? Here's a refresher.
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? email@example.com
page 4: The Top Ten: Unconventional Valentine's Gifts
Surprise your girl with not just a single dildo, but a double dildo.
page 5: from the streets What's your perfect date?
page 9: New Frat on the Block
The Polar Bear Nightmare Squad ain't nothin' to mess with.
page 10: The Super Bowl Drinking Game Go on and play our drinking game while you watch the big game.
page 11: We Interview: tyrone wells Be sure to check out Tyrone Wells' latest album This Love, and catch him on tour starting in February!
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page three ! k e e W e h t f o c i P word of the week Dispoop:
An argument between two people stemming from a floater left in the toilet. “Man, we can just end this dispoop if you admit that you dropped a deuce and forgot to flush before you left for your lit class.”
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Unconventional Valentine’'s Gifts
Around Valentine ’s Day, we’re all trying to spice up our love lives. Here are some great gifts ideas to help you change it up from those lazy last minute gifts you bought last year, and prove to your significant other you are the one, the one to haphazardly maintain a relationship with for the remainder of college. 10.) Double-sided dildo: Sure, maybe you got your girlfriend a dildo as a joke gift last year, like a, “Haha, you’ll need this after I dump your ass for Trisha,” gift. But Trisha transferred and you’re in the dog house. Win her back with this gift that will scream, “We both have to take this burden together,” louder than you can scream, “Oh god, it hurts, please stop!” 9.) Human-sized fish bowl: Why have pet names when you can just make someone your pet? Plus, it’s a great way to hint at much-needed exercise without hurting any feelings. He won’t have a heart of stone after this gift, ladies, because if he does, he’ll drown. 8.) Chili powder: Sure, this may sound cheesy, but it’s only lame because of the presentation. Lose the, “You’re hot stuff,” bag and just pour it out everywhere. Couches, sheets, air vents or contact solution; it’ll be a constant reminder of the burning hot passion you share for each other.
St. Prankentine's Day scoop chang wrote this Most people think of Valentine’s Day as a day for love, romance, and passion. They see a cute couple feeding one another fondue, or a lonely man crying in the fetal position. But for the cool, eligible, and handsome, like us at The Black Sheep, it’s a day that’s ripe for pranks. With so many people making plans, laughing, and feeling emotions it’s the perfect opportunity to mess with them, in the cruelest of ways. And with Fool’s Fest so far in the future, no one will suspect a thing! Go to any store any look around. Teddy bears galore! It’s the second most common Valentine’s Day gift, next to unexpected pregnancy. So what can you do? The answer is simple. Just empty out all that useless fuzzy stuffing, much like a Tauntaun’s organs, and shove in thousands of bees! Imagine the look on their face as they hug their new furry friend only to find that they may have lethal amounts of bee stings. Oh the laughs you’ll have! Remember, it’s not illegal because the bees did the stinging, not you. They don’t make handcuffs small enough for bees, we’ve checked. Take another look around your local drug store and what do you see? Shit-tons of heart boxes filled with candy. How misleading! When you see a bag of Al Bowman Brand 100% “Potato” Crisps, you expect to see chips bearing his likeness inside. When you open a box of Cracker Jacks, you know you’re going to get a toy just small enough to choke on. But when you open a heart shaped box, is there a beating human heart inside? NO! So let’s fix that. Just go to your local morgue and kill the mortician for his sweet juicy heart and shove it in a heart shaped box. Morticians are sad, weird people in the first place, so no one will miss their heart. Take your wonderful present to your sweetie or your best friend and let them know how much you care. You care so much, in fact, that you’d kill a sad and lonely man for them.
7.) An oil painting of Abraham Lincoln making love to a vampire zombie: Not hip enough for you? Fine, make it robot Lincoln wearing a Mumford and Sons t-shirt. That’ll wet her hand-knitted resale panties. 6.) Brass knuckles: Get on the BDSM train Fifty Shades of Fisting made available fo you before it crashes and burns. Nothing says, “I love you,” like punching someone so hard the phrase is imprinted into their skin for the rest of their life. 5.) Hair ties: She’s always leaving those things fucking everywhere. Get her some more, she has to need them by now. Seriously gals, we find at least 15 of those things every time we clean our rooms, even if there hasn’t been a girl in there in a longer amount of time than we'd willingly put into print.
If you have a significant other you’ve been waiting to dump, Valentine’s Day is the day to do it. But don’t just call her excitedly, dump her, and call her a fat bitch! You have to do it right. How’s that, you ask? Well, it’s very simple. First, take her out to her favorite restaurant and get the nicest table you can. Smile nervously the whole time so that she knows “something’s up.” Wine and dine her and talk about how much you love her and how wonderful she is. Right before desert comes whip out a ring box and get on one knee. Watch her face light up with glee as she starts fanning her face wildly and that’s when you do it. Open the box filled with sand and THROW IT IN HER EYES! “BITCH, YOU JUST GOT DUMPED!” At this point the wait staff (which you’ve paid beforehand) will come out and dump a cooler filled with pig’s blood all over her. Then just run. You’ll never laugh harder, and you probably haven't had to run that fast since you chased pigs to try and get their blood!
4.) A Club Penguin account: Nothing says, “Look how cute you are,” like saying, “Look how cute all of these penguins are while I go get drunk and watch kung-fu movies.” Nothing spices up love like time apart… and karate chops.
So now you have the perfect plans for your Valentine’s Day. Most of what we’ve told you isn’t illegal, but it is really, really frowned upon. Just in case, it’s best to have an alibi and a place to hide out until Fool’s Fest. Always remember, love isn’t an emotion. Love is a series of chemical reactions going off in your brain. So the next time you feel lonely, just take a bunch drugs and feel loved by everyone and everything.
1.) The body of her greatest enemy: This one is pretty simple, really. Bonus brownie points if you display the body in the center of town to warn her future enemies that you’re a force to be reckoned with. Her room mates will think twice next time they write a passive aggressive note about being loud in the TV room.
3.) One of your lungs: Everyone always talks about someone taking his heart or taking her breath away, so why not combine those things into one convenient gift? She’ll see the trail of love you left from the alley you got surgery in and fall head-over-heels for you! 2.) The last living panda bear: Sure, this may require you get your hands dirty, but at least you’ll have plenty of material for, “What’s black, white, and red all over?” jokes when you send your friends and family blood-soaked cardboard boxes of their handmade rugs!
Mitch Vaginapun wrote this
From the Streets
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What’'s your perfect date? “A nice spaghetti dinner by candle light. I’m a simple man.” - Dan B., Junior
“I would take her to see a movie, but I’m spontaneous, so it’d be an action movie. Nothing makes a girl feel romantic like explosions.” - Michael B., Freshman
“I would buy her a bunch of balloon roses, because I’m romantic like that. I’d make her a vegetarian dinner and make sweet love to her all night long.” - Daniel M., Senior
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Back in the Swing of Writing Papers Sevin Ketze wrote this 7:30 p.m.: You open up a Word document, adjust the font and margins, crack your knuckles. It's go time. 10:15 p.m.: Oh shit, you just watched three episodes of Spartacus. You haven't written anything except your name and your opening line “asldaslkdasdkasd uhhhhhshit shit shit.” 10:30 p.m.: You're almost halfway done writing! Well, you haven't actually started writing, but you DID copy/paste an extremely long quote that's a little bit relevant to the prompt. And you remembered to change one of the periods to a comma, so technically it's not plagiarism. 10:35 p.m.: In a flash of genius, you realize you could use to use that same thousand word quote for the “con” side of your debate paper, just by prefacing it with “However, some people DON'T think that...” All done! Time to get DOWN! 10:37 p.m.: You pick up an overflowing shot glass and stare at the other eight shots lined up in front of you, but hesitate. You start thinking “maybe I should go back and take this paper more seriously.” In a flash of impulsiveness, your arm swings down and knocks the row of glasses off your desk and into the wall. Time to get scholarly!
2:15 a.m.: Okay, your room is spotless, your cats have been scrubbed clean and hung up to dry, and you finally saw every single thing on Pinterest. Nothing can stand in your way now! 3:05 a.m.: Less than seven hours left. You've cried so much your body literally can't produce any more tears. Remember, where there's a will, there's a way! 3:06 a.m.: Speaking of a will, you just realized you've never written one! What if something happened to you?! What would happen to your laptop, your beer can castle, and your freshly scrubbed cats? The paper can wait, this is what's REALLY important. 4:19 a.m.: After lots of rough drafts, you finally decide on “just bury me with all my shit.” 4:50 a.m.: Another unproductive half hour of internet browsing passes, so you decide you've had enough and throw your ethernet cord out the window. 4:52 a.m.: You're trying to load Wikipedia to finally get started with your research, but the damn internet is out AGAIN. Come on, internet, pull your shit toge—ohhhhhhhhhh, right.
11:05 p.m.: Blood is streaming from your hands, feet, and knees, but you're pretty sure you finally got all the broken glass picked up. You feel a little woozy from the blood loss, or maybe from all the grain alcohol your cuts absorbed off of the floor.
5:05 a.m.: You overhear a couple of passersby whispering about some bloody hobo looking for change in the gutter. Boy, would I hate to be him in this weather! Finally, you spot your ethernet cord wedged in the storm drain, pull it out, and trudge back inside.
11:50 p.m.: Might’ve passed out for a bit there. You pull yourself back onto your chair with a newfound resolve. No more messin' around!
6:00 a.m.: Yet another hour of absolutely no progress. You're completely panicking. 6:15 a.m.: After some frantic pacing, you suddenly remember
New Frat On The Block sevin ketze wrote this
that story about the guy who had the essay prompt “define courage,” turned in a paper that simply said “this is,” and got an A. Could it work for you too? Well, guess it's Hail Mary time. 6:17 a.m.: Printed and ready to go! You hop into bed for a quick snooze before class. 10:00 a.m.: Turned it in! Well, it was a rough night, but at least it's over. TWO WEEKS LATER 10:05 a.m.: Papers get passed back. An F?!?! But...I... maybe it would have worked better if the prompt had actually been “define courage,” and not “Define Whitewashing in America.”
Look out, Redbirds! A brand new fraternity is shaking up ISU's Greek community, and undergrad Christian McNeil is at the helm. “When I was a freshman, I spent a couple weeks looking at all the frats and didn't see any that really grabbed me. So, you know, I thought I'd just build my own from the ground up. And that's how the Polar Bear Nightmare Squad came to be.” Christian now reigns as the Polar Bear Nightmare Squad's Illustrious Overlord, a position that their constitution grants him for eternity. Since its inception last August, the organization has grown to fourteen members, and this upcoming semester looks even more promising. I sat down with Marvin Pool and Duncan Thatcher, both members of the Nightslayer Council (their executive board), for some more information. The Black Sheep: Thanks for sitting down with me, guys. So, does everybody in PBSN carryMarvin: The Polar Bear Nightmare squad is not to be used as an acronym! Duncan: POLAR BEAR NIGHTMARE SQUAD! TBS: Oh...uh...excuse me. Do...do all the other guys carry axes too? Duncan: The Polar Poleaxe is a hallmark of our great fraternity. Without it, we have cannot hope to achieve our purpose. TBS: Your purpose? What do you mean? Marvin yanks his leather vest open, revealing a massive Coat of Arms tattoo on his chest. Marvin: “Protecting the Smallfolk.” Our words, passed down from our Illustrious Overlord in the season of the founding. Duncan: How do you expect us to live our words without a nine-foot poleaxe? TBS: Smallfolk? I don't—okay, forget it. Let's just move on so I can get outta here. What else does the Polar Bear Nightmare Squad -Duncan: POLAR BEAR NIGHTMARE SQUAD! Marvin: POLAR BEAR NIGHTMARE SQUAD! TBS: Okay, seriously, why do you keep doing that? Marvin: Every time the name of the Polar Bear Nightmare Squad -
Duncan: POLAR BEAR NIGHTMARE SQUAD! Marvin: - is spoken, tradition demands that all Blood Brethren in earshot thump their Polar Poleaxe on the ground and bellow the name in response. TBS: That's... cool. So Marvin, your Marvin: You will refer to me as Marvin Gutsgrinder. TBS: I swear, if I get interrupted one more goddamn time Marvin Gutsgrinder: You'll what? You'll bare steel against Marvin Gutsgrinder? TBS: I'll write an article that makes you guys look totally stupid. Duncan: No, please! Not even steel plate armor can protect us from bad PR! I found another member who agreed to talk more candidly with me, on the condition that he remain anonymous. TBS: Thanks, Craig, some of your brothers were a bit hard to talk to. Craig: Dude, you said this would be anonymous! TBS: Oh, right, sorry. So, be real with me, do you think your fraternity will succeed on a campus like ISU? Anonymous: For sure, I think there are a lot of guys who could really get into it. Every fraternity's got their little quirks and reputations, you know? “Those guys are the bros, those guys are the scholars, those guys are the wasteoids,” TBS: “Those guys carry axes on sticks…” Anonymous: Hey man, it's a lot better than what people used to call us. TBS: Which was? Anonymous: “Those weird ugly kids.” TBS: Ah. Yeah, I guess that's an improvement. Anonymous: Nobody messes with a guy with a poleaxe. TBS: Okay, one last question: why did they pick that name? Anonymous: Because, dude. Try saying it out loud. TBS: Polar Bear Nightmare Squad? I... oooh. Anonymous: Man, I can see those goosebumps from all the way over here. TBS: That seriously just gave me a half-boner. If you're looking for something new to try this semester, why not give them a try? All you need is some free time, an open mind, and $55,000 for a poleaxe, armor, and a horse.
! e m a g g in k in r d l w o er b upAnnouncers... e SThe ThWhen When The Announcers...
during the halftime show....
Drink one when they say each other’s name.
Drink one for every Pepsi mention.
Drink one if Ray Lewis’ leadership is discussed.
Drink two when Beyonce changes songs.
Drink two for every forced Harbaugh pun.
Drink two if the camera cuts to a celebrity.
Drink three when they use the telestrator.
Drink five if Jay-Z or Kanye come on stage.
Drink four for each shot of the Harbaugh family.
Drink ten if Destiny’s Child comes on stage.
When the team you're rooting for... Drink one when a pass is completed.
Drink three for any sack your team causes.
Drink ONE for each point your team scores.
Drink three for every challenge.
Drink two for a ten-yard run.
Drink four for any turnover your team forces.
Drink two for any penalty on the other team
Drink four for any play over forty yards.
Drink two for any first down your team gets.
Chug your drink for the duration of an injury.
during the commercials...
in your place...
Drink one for every hot babe.
Drink two for everyone who wears a jersey.
Drink three for every beer commercial.
Drink two if someone uses gambling lingo.
Drink four for each company you don’t know.
Drink three every time someone spills.
Drink six every time animals are involved.
Drink five if you miss a score.
Drink six for dudes doin’ dumb dude-stuff.
Drink ten when something is broken in anger.
Even if you don’t know Tyrone Wells, you’ve heard Tyrone Wells. His personal brand of acoustic tuneage has appeared on everything from American Idol to Scrubs to the freaking Vampire Diaries. His latest album, This Love, dropped recently, and he begins a national tour in February. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: You recently released your fifth studio album, This Love; did you approach the creative process differently on this album? Tyrone Wells: I approached it knowing I wanted to keep the production a little bit more acoustic. Every time I try to make a record I try to keep it sparse, but songs keep growing. TBS: When you talk about an album growing, is that like, adding musical ingredients? A little of this, a little of that? Tyrone: Yeah, it is like that. I don’t always know what should be added, but there are songs like “Bring Her to Me” and “Aria” that are finger picking songs that I knew would be nice with hardly anything else added. But, when you get in the studio, you start thinking “This could use a little drum beat,” and then it can spiral out of control if you’re not careful. TBS: Do you usually know what you need to add, or is there trial and error? Tyrone: I’ll dig around for a while, unsure what the best thing to add is. That’s why it helps to have a good producer, to trust their instincts. That’s why a lot of artists can’t finish anything; they just dig a hole they can’t get out of. TBS: These sparse songs, do you write with the intention of them being that way? Tyrone: Some songs I know it’ll be best with little added. On the other hand, sometimes I think I know, and then I end up with something totally different. TBS: And does that feeling come from lyrical subject matter, or something else? Tyrone: If the songs feels intimate or if it feels bombastic, that has a lot to do with it. Just knowing it will shine more if there is less added. TBS: You’re about to head out on a national tour. When you go on tour do you try to recreate a song as you recorded it, or just have fun with it? Tyrone: It depends. Sometimes I tour with a full band, other times it’s just with one other guy. When I have just one other guy, it’s hard to reproduce a song as it’s performed on a record. Sometimes we’ll fiddle with songs intentionally, adding a different groove or something. For the most part, I try to keep it similar to the record. TBS: Has there been any song that’s changed its meaning to you over time, then, in turn, you’ve changed the approach to how you play it live? Tyrone: No, I don’t think so. I labor beforehand over how the song would be best performed. I’ve been to shows and gotten annoyed when artists change songs, especially if they change the songs drastically. I don’t know if you’ve ever been to a Counting Crows concert, but they perform every song differently than they recorded it, and I’m like, “I’m seeing you because I like the way this song sounds.” TBS: How much input do you have in your touring? Tyrone: I’m very involved in where we go, where we play, for sure. It’s my life and I want to enjoy the experience. If I love a room or it has the wrong vibe, I’ll hit up my booking agent. TBS: In this new musical landscape, how do you define your success? Tyrone: I think for me, I care if a new record charts or not. That’s happened on the singer/ songwriter chart for me, with my last releases coming up number one or number two. TV and film placement are important, and touring. When you come through a town and you notice if the audience is bigger or smaller than it was last time. TBS: Can you really note the different sizes of audiences in cities? Tyrone: I can tell just by the enthusiasm of the crowd. And I mean, we switch venues, and that can change the perception of how well we’re doing in a city. TBS: Build me a perfect sandwich. Tyrone: You know, my perfect sandwich… that’s a great, great question. French baguette, barbecued pork, radish, jalapeño, carrots, and basil. The way they prepare the meat, it rocks the world.
the big three
entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.
warm bodies In theaters february 1st
After a zombie apocalypse leaves a bunch of people craving human brains, R (Nicholas Hoult) and his zombie friends encounter a group of people. R kills a man then proceeds to fall in love with his girlfriend, Julie (Teresa Palmer). They begin to develop a relationship, and R slowly becomes less zombie-like, proving that if a zombie can find love, then so can your braindead ass.
Super Bowl XLVII February 3rd at 6pm on CBS
For those who don't read roman, this year's Super Bowl is the 47th and the first one to feature opposing head coach brothers; the Baltimore Ravens' John Harbaugh and the San Francisco 49ers' Jim Harbaugh. But most importantly, Beyonce and her children of destiny are performing at half time. Ma, heat up the spin dip!
Puppy Bowl IX February 3rd at 3pm on Animal Planet
The lovely (assuming) ladies of Animal Planet present two hours of puppies rolling around on each other and being adorable in the 9th year of the Puppy Bowl. There's no Beyonce at half time, and it doesn't cost $4 million dollars for a 30-second commercial, but it's friggin' puppies playing with each other for 120 minutes. That's a whole lot of cute.
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Fat ! y a d s tue mathien-Live! The Unemployed Architects
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Published on Jan 30, 2013