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Volume 25
The Black Sheep
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E! L FIN IKE W ALL HEN YB A I L YO U R S YO B U U O DDY UT.
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Issue 6
UIUC Professor Tries to Get Fired for Controversial Tweets Squirrel Man wrote this Rupert Rufflesworth, a philosophy professor at U of I, was immediately inspired upon hearing about Steven Salaita, a UIUC professor who made offensive posts online and had his job revoked. “For over a decade I’ve been trying to get fired for the shit I say in the classroom – who knew the internet could do the job so quickly?” said Rufflesworth, who admitted to being “an attention whore who says edgy things just for shock value.” He’s known by his students for putting forth philosophical arguments such as “Maybe it’s good that people in the Third World are starving” and “If you think about it, slavery wasn’t such a bad thing after all.” Mere minutes after the news of Salaita’s tweets broke, Rufflesworth created a Twitter account. He proceeded to write several of the most vile, inexcusable tweets he could think of. The Black Sheep has provided just a few of his tweets below:
Tonight I’m going home to jack off while watching #Titanic. Nothing gets me off like white people drowning. #winning Rufflesworth’s tweets have been up for over a month, and much to his surprise, they haven’t stirred any serious controversy. This has left the professor greatly disappointed. He hoped that losing his job would give him infamy, as well as the chance to sue the University of Illinois. “Why in God’s nonexistent name haven’t they fired me?” asked the attention-seeking professor. “My tweets were way more terrible than that little shit Salaita’s were. Do I have to tweet the N-word? I’ll do it if that’s what it takes.”
Why is bestiality illegal? We can kill animals, but we can’t fuck ‘em? I thought sex was good and murder was bad. #makelovenotwar
Despite the willfully offensive nature of Professor Rufflesworth’s comments, U of I says it will not reprimand him for his tweets. “The University of Illinois certainly does not agree with the comments made by Mr. Rufflesworth,” stated one member of the UIUC Board of Trustees, which voted 9-0 to force Rufflesworth to remain on tenure. “However, that is not to say he shouldn’t be allowed to express his thoughts. U of I respects our staff’s First Amendment right to speak freely, no matter how harsh or insensitive their speech may be.”
These @ISIS guys sound pretty cool. How do I join? #LBS
After a couple of final tweets attempting to piggyback off of Salaita’s controversy –
America should euthanize the elderly. Without seniors our taxes would be lower and the DMV wouldn’t reek of Depends. #socialsecuritysolved
involving Rufflesworth supporting both sides of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict in equally offensive manners while linking Bitly URLs to scatological porn and shock sites – the philosophy professor seems to be losing steam and has accepted a defeatist demeanor toward his crusade. “I don’t know what you people want any-
more,” sighed a depressed Rufflesworth. “I even copy and pasted that douchebag Salaita’s same exact tweets and added links to that one guy who crushed a glass jar inside his own asshole from a couple years back. Twitter hasn’t even issued me a single account termination warning.”
Until Salaita’s case is closed, it sounds like there’s only room for one high-profile Twitter controversy on this campus. For now, Rufflesworth is stuck apathetically telling freshmen philosophy majors that God isn’t real, albeit this time with less spirit.
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PAGES 20-21
THE LECTURE GAMES: SPOTTING “THAT GUY” IN YOUR INTRO COURSES
MISINFORMED STUDENTS SPREAD CAMPUS-WIDE RUMOR
ISIS LEADER TO BE SECRET CHARACTER IN NEW SUPER SMASH BROS. GAME
HE’S THERE, AND HE’S ANNOYING.
WE’RE HERE JUST TRYING TO GET THE FACTS STRAIGHT.
WARIO HAS NOTHING ON ABU BAKR AL-BAGHDADI.
FOLLOW US @BLACKSHEEP_UIUC SEPTEMBER 24th, 2014 - OCTOBER 1st, 2014 THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM