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The Black Sheep

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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 22, Issue 5 • 2/13/13 - 2/20/13

f la ree. st- .. l mi ik nu e t te ha un t p de en rn cil ea yo th u yo fo ur un de d sk . @blacksheep_uiuc

Illini Suffer Humiliating Defeat at the Hands of #1 Indiana benny boy wrote this

Note to Layout People: In the case that the Illini actually end up winning, do not print this article. Instead, run the article entitled, “Holy Fuck That Was Awesome.” Some things never change. Much like the slow death-march of time, or the unrelenting natural forces which control the tides and changing of the seasons there is simply nothing we humans can do to change the fact that Illinois will never have a championshipcalibre team. Some can chalk it up to imaginary ghosts who haunt the team or perverted dishwashers who sabotage the team’s food, but at the end of the day, we still did not beat Indiana. The Illini trailed the Hoosiers throughout the first two thirds of the game, and it appeared that it would end up being a decisive victory for Indiana going into the late dregs of the second half. However, in the last three and a half minutes of regular play the Illini began a steady comeback. A strange energy filled the stands as the Illini slowly climbed their way up to within a few points behind the Hoosiers. Could this be it? Is this really happening? It seemed too good to be true. With about ten seconds left and the Illini down by 1 point, D.J. Richardson managed a miraculous steal and bounded for the net on the opposite side of the court. However, he was not fast enough and the layup was blocked by Indiana’s Victor Oladipo. With 0.9 seconds now remaining, the Illini found themselves in a do or die situation. The tension in the arena could be cut with a spoon as Richardson stood on the sideline looking for a man to throw the ball in to. With his man in sight, Richardson threw a quick bounce pass to Tyler Griffey who went up for a layup, lightly tossed the ball at the net as the buzzer went off, and missed the shot. At once every voice in Assembly Hall fell silent. Members of both the Illinois and Indiana teams slowly sauntered away from Griffey, staring at their feet in empathetic embarrassment. Distraught members of the Orange Crush solemnly removed their orange afro wigs as tears muddied the orange and blue paint on their faces. Griffey himself picked up the ball immediately after missing the shot and attempted to put it back into the hoop. After missing a second time, the ball bounced off of his foot and rolled across the court. As he began to chase after it a second time his father came down from the stands and put his hand on his son’s shoulders, telling him that it was over. To this, Griffey sat down cross-legged on the court with his face buried in his hands.

Illini head coach John Groce watched the macabre scene in stunned horror; his mouth agape, covered by one hand. In this moment two things died: the Illini’s season, and John Groce’s soul.

People soon became concerned about Groce, who stood stockstill for well over a minute. In an attempt to raise his sprits, family members sent his son Connor to help raise his spirits.

“You could visually pinpoint the moment John Groce realized he had wasted his life,” game attendee Brett P. stated, “He looked like a man who was watching his house burn down in front of him. It was as if he was watching all he had devoted his life to immolate in a cloud of flame.”

“Don’t worry, Dad. I will wish for a win against Indiana for Christmas,” The young boy said. “There will not be a Christmas,” Groce replied, turned to his son, picked him up, and continued in a grave voice, “Santa Claus is dead.” continued on page 19


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page 6: Career Fair Translations Just when you thought everything was going great.

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page 7: $100 Million Engineering Grant Goes to Department of Slavic Literatures Instead Person responsible quoted, "Oops."

page 8: Meet the Cast of Teen Mom 3 Four new girls who should have kept their legs closed.

page 9: An Open Letter to People Who Never Wear Jackets

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You're not impressing anyone!

page 9: The Top 10: Things to Do With the DI Because who actually wants to read that shit?

Table of

page 10: wallet pursuits The story of a man and his lost wallet.

page 16: Bartenders of the Week: Andrea and Eric The best looking faces of Cly's and White Ho.

page 18: The Blackout and the Beautiful: Part 2 The second installment of our Champaign soap saga.

page 18: from the streets What are your plans for Valentine's Day?

Meet The Staff Managing Editor Mike Benson copy Editor Katelyn Lilly Advertising Manager Jackie Breen distribution Managers Patrick Rafferty & Mike Lieber Contributing Writers Kevin Hanes, Rebecca Jacobs Morgan Foster, Molly Forrest Ashley Perl, Max Russell John McCombs, Ryan Rudolf Austin Gomez, Scott Gantner, Sam Caravette, Kimberly Gleeson

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page Four Dear Mike, I have not left Wendy’s since it opened. Is this normal? Sincerely, Thisismynewhome Dear Enlightened One, One of the key components of human nature is our innate tendency to devote ourselves to higher ideals. I’m sure there was a moment when the indigenous people of Easter Island asked themselves why they were devoting all of their time to constructing towering idols. Of course, there was no answer, other than an abstract feeling of what they were doing was right and meaningful. The construction of the Great Pyramids of Giza lasted several generations. This means that there were people who were born after the construction started, lived a full life, and then died before the structures were completed. They must have asked themselves, “Why are we doing this? What is this force that drives us to adhere to these abstract ideals?” Yet again, an answer remained elusive. There exists a group of Buddhists monks, known as the Bhikku, who devote their lives to adherence to a strict code of rules known as the Prtimoka. These monks devote the majority of their lives to meditation, and I always wonder if, during meditation, one of these monks discovered the answer to why humans are constantly looking above or outside for their answers. What would this monk say? I cannot begin to know. Sir, you ask me if it is normal that you have not left Wendy’s since it opened. All I can say is that with such a wide and diverse menu as Wendy’s, which includes over a dozen sandwiches with 100% real North American beef and the freshest premium toppings combined with Wendy’s all new natural-cut fries with sea salt, your answer is as good as anybody’s. From, Mike

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Career Fair Translations scotty g. wrote this It's career fair season here at the U of I. For many of us, this can be a stressful time, presenting the working world's most frustrating conundrum: You need an internship so you can get job experience, but you need job experience to get an internship. There's often a disconnect between what actually happens at a career fair and how the recruiter responds. Sometimes they're impressed, sometimes they're disinterested, and sometimes they find a polite way to say, "Not in a million elevator pitches." Here's a guide that will help you interpret the strange happenings at your career fair and if a successful career is in your future. NO EYE CONTACT: What It Actually Means: You're terrified. Everyone's told you how important this moment is, and you're just about ready to shit your pants in terror. What the Recruiter Thinks: You lack confidence and you'll never be a leader in this industry. some eye contact: What It Actually Means: You're off to a good start. Just remember to smile, and the person will probably think you're friendly and trusthworthy. What the Recruiter Thinks: You haven't blown it… yet. And get that dumb smile off your face. You look stupid. unbreakable stare: What It Actually Means: You're overcompensating because you're terrified. This isn't the bedroom; you're not trying to make up for lack of penis length. Relax. What the Recruiter Thinks: You have a sex dungeon, and I am completely unaroused. gpa lower than 3.0: What It Actually Means: Your grades aren't bad. It's good that you have the confidence to talk to recruiters and battle against other students who are way out of

your league. What the Recruiter Thinks: You're not qualified. Transfer to art school while you still have time. gpa between 3.0 and 3.5: What It Actually Means: Your grades are good. You're average, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. What the Recruiter Thinks: You're not qualified. Do you even want to be here? gpa between 3.5 and 4.0: What It Actually Means: Your grades are great, and you should be proud of your accomplishments. What the Recruiter Thinks: You're not qualified… and you're a nerd. Don't you have any other hobbies? dressed in sweatpants and bedhead: What It Actually Means: You're sleepwalking again. Go see a doctor. What the Recruiter Thinks: You'd fit right in at Google. When can you start? dressed in suit and tie: What It Actually Means: You've got your shit together, and you're ready to work. What the Recruiter Thinks: You lack a unique sense of individuality, and you'll never be a leader in this industry. dressed in Pink tux with matching cane, monocle, gloves, and top hat: What It Actually Means: You're an escaped mental patient and need to return this all to Salvation Army right away. What the Recruiter Thinks: You're an escaped mental patient or attempting to channel your inner Prince. Either way, no. missing the phone interview:

What It Actually Means: You were up all night celebrating the fact that you landed a phone interview. What the Recruiter Thinks: Drat, you would've been a perfect fit. CONVEYING EXCITEMENT, AMBITION AND EXPERIENCE DURING THE PHONE INTERVIEW: What It Actually Means: You conveyed the ability to hold a conversation without making a sexist, racist, or otherwise inappropriate comment. What the Recruiter Thinks: You still haven't blown it … yet. Maybe I'll check your Facebook page to dig up some dirt. losing connection halfway through phone interview: What It Actually Means: You're screwed. Unreliable phone conection in the 21st century? What the hell is your problem? What the Recruiter Thinks: Did you just hang up? You're going to be a leader in this industry. When can you start?

giving thoughtful and intelligent answers during in-person interview: What It Actually Means: You just crushed it. There's nothing else you can do now but sit and wait for the job offer. What the Recruiter Thinks: You don't have experience with Java, C, C++, and PHP. Don't expect to hear from us. taking 5 shots to relax before the in-person interview: What It Actually Means: You're an alcoholic who follows advice from your dumbest friend. You better pray it doesn’t smell or that you don't slur your words. What the Recruiter Thinks: You were so unphased by my rigorous questioning, I would've given you the job if you didn't puke on my shoes. calling the male interviewer "dad" during the in-person interview: What It Actually Means: You blew it. What the Recruiter Thinks: Ha! I knew you would blow it!

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$100 Million Engineering Grant Goes to Department of Slavic Literatures Instead tex mex wrote this Just weeks ago, the Grainger Foundation awarded the College of Engineering a $100 million dollar grant, making it the largest endowment for a public university this year. While many faculty and students were excited to reap the benefits from this massive donation, reports have recently come up stating that, due to a glitch in the grant’s transaction within the university’s financial accounts, the entirety of the multimillion dollar grant has accidentally been rewarded to the Department of Slavic Languages and Literatures instead. When asked about the sudden mix-up, both college and department heads respectively said, “Holy shit.” The fluke was purportedly caused by a university-employed accountant in charge of handling the transferral of funds from the Grainger Foundation to the College of Engineering. Management higher-ups claim that the accountant, after attempting to masturbate at work, accidentally typed “Slavic” in the wrong tab of his browser, causing “Slavic Languages and Literatures” to be entered in the university department’s financial site rather than “Slavic Amateur XXX Gangbang +18” in the adult site within the other tab. “My official title at work is ‘Senior Departmental Grant Transaction Accountant.’ How can you not expect me to explore a little to keep myself going with a job like that? I don’t even know what ‘Slavic’ means; it’s just my instinctive go-to for porn. This could have happened to anyone,” justified the ex-employee, who is now a janitor at an unspecified Bank. When asked about the massive error, the head dean of the College of Engineering was beyond upset, stating that the sudden lack of the grant’s funding would inevitably result in budget cutbacks, lowered acceptance rates, and less opportunities for advancing research and developing modern marvels of human ingenuity that the college has always been known for.

“We really wanted to build like, a huge, kick-ass evil lair with lasers and shit all atop Grainger Library,” stated Dean Reginald Williams. “With previous grants, we’ve really only been able to innovate smaller things like bio-bots that can fix rodent hearts or flickering lights or other crap that no one outside of the Engineering Quad gives a rat’s ass about. This was our chance to fulfill the prophecy of our glorious benefactor W. W. Grainger, who predicted before his departure from the university that 2013 would mark the year of his subsequent resurrection and tyrannical reign over all lesser majors.” Many colleagues within the College of Engineering have expressed concern over the dean’s delusions, claiming that he may have taken the quote to “build an impenetrable fortress of knowledge, laser-precision logic, and reasoning” a bit out of context. While Dean Williams is lamenting the missed opportunity for a doomsday weapon and living accommodations for Grainger (beds, showers, etc.), while the faculty within the Department of Slavic Languages and Literatures has already blown through $50 million of the $100 million grant in debaucherous celebration. “We haven’t gotten any grants since the late 40s, so most of our funding has been out-of-pocket. So when we heard that we received $100 million from some glitch, we did what any responsible department would do and immediately began spending it frivolously,” announced department head Aleksandra Zheglov. The department’s recent purchases within a two-hour time span include 102,612 bottles of Stoli; 200 pounds of caviar; a new 5-story building made entirely out of marble, red velvet, and elephant tusks; an indoor swimming pool filled with the aforementioned vodka and caviar; half of Poland; a reworked definition of “Slavic” which now means “the sexiest





and most badass combination of Indo-European languages since Dostoyevsky could spit rhymes”; and a few new editions of Slavic literature for the Main Library. The department has since seen a steady increase in inter-collegiate transfers into their supported majors, with most of the faculty convinced that this is due to an explosive increase in interest for Slavic Literature on social networking sites. “They have a vodka-filled swimming pool and hundreds of kinds of Eastern European liquors and drugs that I can’t even pronounce,” said a former College of Engineering computer engineering major, now turned Russian Literature major on his recent transfer. “I’ll take troubled job security and expensive Russian narcotics over dicking around with coding any day.”

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Meet the Cast of Teen Mom 3

morgan foster wrote this

MTV is unleashing a whole new group of teen failures for your viewing pleasure! Watch as they struggle with the dramatic life of young girls who forgot to wrap their man’s pickle! We follow four totally new and totally reckless girls on their journey to scar their children for life. Before the season gets underway, we’re allowing you all the pleasure of meeting the cast and learning a bit more about them first. Our correspondent, Chance Duche, recently sat down with them to chat about their experiences so far. First up is Tiffany Nickels, junior in high school from Detroit, Michigan. Chance: Hi Tiffany, it’s great to meet you. How old were you when you had your baby? Tiffany: Um, fifteen. I was pregnant at fourteen. My parents were so pissed, but I didn’t let that get to me. I knew I was always meant to be an awesome mom. Chance: Tell me a little about how you ended up getting pregnant at such a young age. Tiffany: Well, I started dating this guy Xavier, and it was like love at first sight. He took my order at McDonald’s and gave me the exact Happy Meal toy I wanted. He’s so generous. We’d only been dating for a week or two when we did it. But you know, we’re gonna get married, and I’m pretty much an adult … I mean, I have my driver’s permit and everything. Chance: You have been getting a lot of criticism for your boyfriend Xavier. He’s a drug dealer, correct? Do you really think he’s father material? Tiffany: God, people are just like my parents. So what if he’s twentythree? And yeah he’s a drug dealer, but he makes a ton of money and can buy my baby and I anything we need. Plus, he doesn’t touch the drugs himself. That picture of him with a syringe was NOT him doing heroin. He told me he needed some insulin because he was woozy. He’s not diabetic, but regular people need insulin too, right? Chance: Actually, no. Tell us about your baby’s name. Tiffany: Well, I named him Yolo so that he can always remember to live life to the fullest. I know that someday he’ll grow up to be an influencer

of his generation, like Drake is to mine. Have you seen those quotes he says? He’s like a philosopher! Meet Sarah Baumgartner. She’s currently 18 years old and spends her time completing courses through the University of Phoenix. Chance: Nice to meet you Sarah, tell us about your baby-daddy. Sarah: I don’t exactly know who the baby daddy is… but I live in a town of twenty-seven people in Indiana, so I dun figured I’d just look at all the guys in town and see which one Bobbie Sue looks like. Chance: Interesting. Are your parents angry that you got pregnant at fifteen? Sarah: Naw, they were happy to have more hands to help out on our farm. Plus, now we have twenty-eight people in our town! Maybe now that’ll put us on the map. We also were able to buy a new tractor thanks to the money ya’ll nice folks at MTV are payin’ us. And we’re putting a new addition on our trailer—a shower! Jackie Casey from Savannah, Georgia, was the last one any of her high school friends would have expected to get pregnant first, with a 4.0 GPA and a passion for science and law. Chance: Hi Jackie, would you tell us about your baby? Jackie: Her name is Mary, and she’s beautiful. She can already say her rosaries. Chance: That’s nice. I hear your mom wasn’t too happy about your pregnancy. Jackie: No, she wasn’t. I mean, I’ve been in Catholic school all my life ,and she never expected this to happen. I felt so bad; I went to confession for like four hours and tried my hardest to gain acceptance from God. But it’s not really my fault; the female Catholic school uniforms are basically a magnet for sinners. But I regret letting Jimmy into my tunnel of sin. The final cast member is Skye Lombard: a sixteen-year-old from Chicago and a self-proclaimed roller derby diva. Chance: Nice to meet you Skye. Tell us about the father of your child.

Skye: I was in biology, we had a substitute and I said to my friend, “Oohh girl, he fineeee.” He heard me, and he was blushin’ and shit. He couldn’t help but notice my blasian skin and the phattest ass in Chicago. So I was like, I’m ready to get some of that white chocolate. I threw a paper airplane at him that said, “Meet me in the broom closet, and you can have a taste of this caramel.” Chance: And he met you there? Skye: Damn straight! He couldn’t pass it up. I rocked his world. I don’t regret it. We made a beautiful little child. Easily the cutest one that has ever been on this show. Chance: Did your baby-daddy stick around? Skye: Hell yeah. He left his wife for me. It’s true what they say: Once you go Blasian you never go back! Be sure to watch the season premiere of Teen Mom 3 to watch the drama unfold! February 30, 8 p.m. Eastern, only on MTV.

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Top 10 Things to Do With the DI Great stories, hardcore investigative journalism, and thoughtful insights: these are all things you won’t ever find in The Daily Illini. Instead, you’ll read about the Student Senate doing a whole lot of nothing, Illini sports teams losing yet again, and other students’ opinions that really don’t matter. Don’t let that DI you’ll never read go to waste, though. We’re all about recycling these days, and the paper itself has many uses.

An Open Letter to People Who Never Wear Jackets John McHoneyCombs wrote this Dear Morons, Look, we know you’re cold. You’re not fooling anyone, even yourself. We are in the dog days of winter, and still some of you are committed to standing in line in sub-zero wind chills at Joe’s without any sort of winter clothing. It doesn’t make you look sexy or cool. Frankly, you look like a shriveled, goose-bumped, pathetic wiener with a leather skirt on. The only thing your outfit choice is showing to the rest of the world is whom natural selection would take out first. To keep another one of our readers from developing hypothermia (or leprosy, in extreme cases), The Black Sheep has decided to stage an intervention in the form of this open letter to convince you kids to bundle up. Let us address this issue down the gender lines. Ladies, we can kind of forgive you for your choice in attire on a blistering cold night. We understand the desire to be desirable is ingrained into your heads by society, but you don’t always need to wear a dress that just barely covers your ass to get noticed. The only reason people notice you is because you’re wearing a dress in the dead of winter that screams, “I don’t have a personality, but look at these tits!” And although that is a great thing to scream, it’s not necessary. Plenty of girls wear fashionable, sexy outfits that keep them relatively warm during the winter months. These girls are called upperclassmen and typically carry themselves with an “I’ve got my shit together” attitude. You’ll understand when you’re older, kid. If you’re still insistent on keeping some skankiness in that outfit you’re wearing, then might we suggest assless chaps? This way your legs can stay warm, but the only parts of you that frat boys are really interested in are still within uncomfortably easy access. Men, you’re more of a disappointment in this category. Seriously guys, no one cares that people

won’t get to see your “sweet flannel” if you toss on a winter coat before leaving your apartment. It’s not like guys sit around at Kam’s and say, “Yo, David. I was really a big fan of that red polo you wore last night. Where did you get it? I might online-order myself one this weekend.” Girls don’t even care what you’re wearing. As long as it’s free of semen stains and poop smudges, you look like you made an attempt to dress up. There’s literally nothing to be gained by nixing the jacket on cold bar crawl nights. No guy has ever gotten pussy simply because he was wearing Express for men. Other guys who actually have the sense to not catch pneumonia and wear a jacket will want to punch you in the back of the head, run into a snow bank, and dare you to chase them to prove your ultimate manliness. Now you may be asking us, “Well, TBS, what ever am I to do with my jacket, then?” You see those long dangly things with palms and fingers at the end? They’re called fucking hands, use them. You can take off your jacket inside and fucking hold it in your hands. Yes, this keeps you from blacking out off of Vegas bombs in ten minutes like you planned, but you’re gonna just have to slam those bad boys one hand at a time and ease your way into date rape mode. We just want to remind you that you’re still in college. You’re not even going to legit nightclubs yet. You’re going to dollar u-call-it night at a college bar to stand in someone else’s piss and beer to talk about nothing to other emotionally insecure people. There’s no reason to take this so seriously. We’ve seen people walk into bars wearing a hoodie and boots and walk out with a slampiece on their arm. We know because it was one of us. All it takes is a little personality, a few lies, and a fuck ton of alcohol and you’re on the express train to pound town. We know you don’t want us to be your mother but for God’s sake, put a jacket on before you go out there, moron!

10.) Protect Your Table: Are you sick of having to wipe up the spills and cup rings left by your drunken friends before your clean freak roommate wakes up? Don’t want to give up some of your security deposit for ruining the top of the crappy campus apartment table? Don’t waste beer money on coasters and napkins when a free Daily Illini cleans the mess right up! 9.) Stuff Your Junk: Instead of using socks or flimsy tissue paper to stuff your bra, butt or package, grab a copy of The Daily Illini! Socks get lumpy and never stay in place when your hook-up is trying to feel up all of your “natural” assets. Just neatly layer some of the pages of the DI and position them in your bra or pants. If your slampiece catches you before you get a chance to take it out, tell them you’ll claim the ink stains are bruises from when they threw you down a flight of stairs. 8.) Deter a Peeping Tom: The stage-five creeper next store has peered though your window while you’re having a sexy pillow fight for the last time. Instead of wasting time nailing up boards or moving to a different building, coat your window in The DI. Once that creep pulls out the binoculars, all he will see is a big waste of ink and paper, and at least one or two selfrighteous editorials. 7.) Make Your Pledges Read It: Hey frat guys, need a new torture technique for your new batch of bitches? Stock up a week’s worth of The Daily Illini, lock your little men in a room, and force them to read every issue from cover to cover. After a few hours of inky hands and sore eyes, they will all pour out of the room, crying, “THIS…THIS IS WHY PRINT MEDIA IS DYING.” 6.) Make Fun Paper Crafts: Those i>clicker lectures can be brutal, especially when you’re still drunk from the night before. Grab a straw and The DI before you walk into class and have fun with a little spit ball shooting. Want to catch the attention of the beautiful Asian girl in your chemistry lecture? Show her that you totally dig her culture by folding her some origami cranes. 5.) Homemade Feminine Product: Those coin-operated machines in women’s restrooms aren’t always reliable, but you’re always guaranteed to have a stack of The Daily Illini in any building you enter on campus. If you’re short of change but feel Mother Nature coming on, grab a page on position it in your panties. 4.) Plot Revenge: While your roommate is sleeping, paper mâché their room and then say that the voices of WPGU told you to do it. Cover their clothes, laptop, pictures, books, everything; if you’re feeling really ballsy, paper mâché your roommate while she’s sleeping too. A little feng shui never hurt anybody. 3.) Help You Fall Asleep: Nothing is worse than lying in bed awake, struggling to catch some z’s. If popping some sleeping pills, smoking a blunt, or taking a few shots does not sound appealing to you, you can always try to induce sleep a more natural way. Reading poorly written, dry stories in the DI will put anyone to bed in moments. 2.) Go Green: Be a good person, save the earth from global warming and recycle the DI. It wastes hundreds of pages of paper each day filling every little stand, hoping students will read it. Unfortunately for trees, most of these papers are unread and tossed at the end of the day. Why are students paying for this paper to be printed again? 1.) Wipe Your Butt: That moment when you go from feeling relief to panic: You just dropped a bomb but realize the stall is out of paper. Have no fear, The Daily Illini is here! Just take a page and clean that shit up.

TBS Staff wrote this

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Wallet Pursuits: The Story of A Man and His Lost Wallet forrest fire wrote this

Alan rose Sunday morning naked, hungover, and with an ominous feeling that he had fucked up somewhere along the line last night. The last thing Alan remembered was people chanting his name, which is usually not a good thing. He found a ticket for public indecency, a condom wrapper, and a bar receipt for $114 dollars in his pockets, but his phone and wallet were nowhere to be found. Luckily for Alan, iCloud had his back with its creepy-yethelpful satellite technology. Alan’s phone was tracked and found in the Morrow Plots. Since the Morrow Plots are more off limits than a North Korean girl’s private parts when she’s on the rag, Alan became seriously concerned about what had actually occurred the night before. After sneaking into the Morrow Plots, Alan checked his texts to discover that he was truly on a different level last night and feared for what actions lead him to tossing his iPhone into the middle of this forbidden territory. As Alan started to sneak out of the Morrow Plots, phone in hand, he suddenly fell into what he thought was a deep pit. This deep pit turned out to be a spiraling, blue vortex, and Alan hit the ground to a trippy, alternate version of the Morrow Plots. Instead of corn there were pumpkins, and the ring of bushes was replaced by electrified barbed wire. As Alan tried to gather his bearings and plan his escape route, a white man appeared before him. He was wearing what looked like a long white sheet with symbols written down the sleeves. Atop his head was a collection of bright feathers, and his face was splattered with war paint. He calmly told Alan that he knew where his wallet was, but refused to say exactly where because he was still bitter about no longer being the university’s mascot. “I’ve seen what you students have been doing with those slutty mascot replacements. What else is a white man in full Native American dress supposed to do with his life?” After Alan’s failed encounter with Chief Illiniwek he became upset. Not because of his wallet but because of the thought of sitting at the DMV for five hours, especially a weird, haunted DMV. After he wiped the tears that

clouded his eyes he saw a familiar-looking frat house in the distance. He ran there hoping that maybe someone, anyone, would help him. As he walked up the steps of the house, he realized the place wasn’t so familiar after all. The bricks looked like they were moving in and out of the walls, and the landscape changed colors from a vibrant green to a soft, powder blue. All of a sudden the door swung open and a rabbit dressed in a popped pastel polo appeared. He told Alan that he knew where his wallet was but would only share the location with Alan if he obtained a bid from the fraternity first. After a few minutes of consideration, Alan agreed to take part in whatever shenanigans the house had planned for him. For the next three hours, Alan completed hazing events such as elephant walks, swallowing goldfish, and buttchugging LSD-laced Gem Clear. His final task was to snort a line of blow out of the rabbit’s ear. Alan was hesitant but also desperate to get back his belongings, so he finished the last request to earn his bid. The rabbit told Alan that The Kraken, the new Illinois mascot, had his wallet and was waiting for him in the kitchen of what used to be One World. The store’s new owner, Rick, was eaten alive by The Kraken after taking away campus’ best late night destination and replacing it with boarded-up windows and no delicious pizza smell. Alan walked toward The Kraken’s palace. “Geez, this street is sure a lot longer and windier than I remember it being,” Alan thought. Inside, Alan saw The Kraken was wearing a purple cape and carrying a bejeweled trident. That same bejeweled trident was immediately thrown into Alan’s chest before he even had a chance to fight. As Alan took his last few breaths of life, The Kraken raised Alan’s wallet to the sky and laughed a haunting laugh. Alan awoke the next morning naked, hung-over, and with a burn on his chest from where the police tazed him after he broke into Rick’s pizza. Sitting up, Alan felt the effect that butt-chugging hard alcohol can do on the human anatomy. “Alcohol is a crazy drug,” Alan thought as he realized his wallet was still missing.

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DOWNTOWN 1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)


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page 16

bartenders of the week Bartender nickname: Cougar

Bartender nickname: Polish Prince

Favorite drink: Sex on the beach

Favorite drink: Jameson neat

Relationship status: Single as a mofo

Relationship status: One wife, a mistress, and a girlfriend

Worst nightmare: A flaccid penis

Describe yourself in 3 words: Zero. Fucks. Given.

Secret talent: Mega bitchface

Sexual fantasy: Make my own sex tape

Celebrity you want to film a porno with: Steve Buscemi

Andrea H.


Dream date: See above

Favorite sex position: Celibacy

Secret fetish: Anal fisting

Would you rather be a sex slave or a have a sex slave: Be :)

What would you do if you met J-Biebs: Challenge him to a rap battle

Biggest turn on: A really large… heart

Craziest place you’ve gotten a blowjob: Steps of Foellinger Auditorium before an 8 a.m.

Biggest turn off: Flaccid penis

the drinking game:

eric r.

white horse inn

recipe for disaster:

task master

Hot Dog and Egg Sandwiches

Truth or Dare was a highlight of middle school sleepovers. However, the one thing that was missing at the time was copious amounts of alcohol (unless you went to cool kid parties). Task Master takes Truth or Dare and makes it better by adding alcohol and removing the Truth part, because that was always for pussies.

Many times the secret to creativity lies in using what is available to you. Many of us would love to cook complex dinners using a variety of spices and meats, but that is often too expensive, and we are often too drunk or tired or stoned or lazy or all of those. Here is a simple recipe using only food that are mainstays in the college student kitchen

What You’ll Need: Alcohol! Number of Players: As many brave souls as you can acquire. Level of Intoxication: That all depends on how wiling you are to humiliate yourself.

What You’ll Need: Hotdogs, eggs, cheese, bread. Cook Time: 5-10 minutes. Fatty Factor: Deliciously incapacitating.

How To Play: - Designate a person in the group to be the first Task Master. This can be done by choice, rock, paper, scissors, odds-evens, whatever. - The Task Master then assigns a task (dare) to another player in the group. - If the person fails their task, the must drink half of their drink. If the person refuses to do a task, they must finish their drink. - When a person completes a task, everyone takes a social drink, and the person who completed the task becomes the new Task Master. The Game Ends When: Everyone is too ashamed of themselves to make eye contact. It only takes one person to change this game from a light-hearted prank fest to a full on molest-a-thon, so choose your participants carefully.

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Let’s Get Baked: - Start off by throwing some bread in the toaster. If you don’t have a toaster, a microwave might work. Don’t quote us on that, we’re not Gordon Ramsay. - Cut up a few hotdogs into thin slices and throw them on a frying pan. - Beat some eggs and throw those on the same frying pan. If you haven’t noticed yet, this recipe involves a lot of throwing. - Scramble the eggs along with the hotdog slices until the eggs are cooked. - Remove the toast from the microwave, put the eggs and hotdogs on the toast, and throw some cheese on it. If your arm is still feeling good, try throwing some hot sauce on it too. If there’s one thing better than scrambled eggs, it’s scrambled eggs with hot dogs in it. And if there’s one thing that’s better than scrambled eggs with hotdogs in it, it’s scrambled eggs with hotdogs in it with cheese on top. And if there’s one thing better than that, it’s sex. But…but why are we so alone?

Hungry for More?

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booze of the week

page 17

Booze Review: budweiser black crown | grade: c Overview: In the world of college parties, it’s very rare to have anything other than Keystone, PBR, or Natty Light. Beer is beer, and there are only a few distinct ones that actually taste different from competitors. Budweiser Black Crown is not one of them. History: About a year ago, Anheuser Busch challenged its 12 brewmasters to create their own version of the iconic Budweiser beer. The artists poured their hearts and souls into the project, determined to win the contest which guaranteed them not only marketing and selling of their concoction, but also worldwide fame, a Christmas bonus, and a gold-encrusted koozie with their initials engraved. All 12 of the competitors took their drink in different directions, some a bit more to the extremes, than others. One brewmaster, Nate Fairfield, wanted to challenge the flavorful counterpart of the beer world: Blue Moon. He added freshly squeezed Tropicana Orange Juice to his brew, along with a dash of salt and a full lime tree. After too many complaints about twigs and leaves appearing in bottles, Fairfield’s entry was pulled from the competition. Three other competitors went in the whole environmentally-friendly-diet-everything direction that everyone and their mother seems to be moving towards these days. After failed attempts at piss-green beer shades and brews sweetened with Splenda and other nonthreatening artificial flavorings, the men quickly gave up and drowned their sorrows in original Bud Light. One female brewmaster, known for her slight dyslexia and just overall stupidness, thought the new product was called Bug Light Slime and invented a product illegal in

all countries except for the ones where they think eating cockroaches is good for you. The only guy with a clue, Bryan Sullivan, crafted the winning beer. He took a bottle of Bud Light Platinum, dropped in a few gold coins, hundred dollars bills, and beads of sweat from Jay-Z’s favorite Yankee’s cap and let it all ferment for a few short weeks. In the end, his beer was voted by the American people as their choice for the new Budweiser lager. Nice going, guys. Typical Drinkers: Beyonce and associates, guys who just turned 21, people whose taste buds don’t work, Rob McCarthy (Budweiser VP), and 6 of us kids at The Black Sheep who decided to give it a shot. User Comments: “Wait, is this supposed to taste different or…?” “I could really taste the gold coins on that last sip.” “The Super Bowl commercials for this made me feel like I was at a fancy stripper dinner party.” “Anybody wanna finish this for me and pass me a Miller instead?” Conclusion: Black Crown ups the ante on alcohol content, something that we can all appreciate, but there’s nothing different about it from Bud Light Platinum or any other bottled Budweiser beverage. It’s still tasty and cool to look at, but don’t get your hopes up. Until everyone else finds out it’s nothing too special, keep buying six packs of it to make yourself look like a total badass in front of wide-eyed freshmen.

Best Mixer: more beer, duh. • Worst Mixer: less beer sents e r P a Vodk e l c a Pinn

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page 18

The Blackout and the Beautiful: Part 2 kitty kat wrote this Last time on The Blackout and the Beautiful: Political science student Jerry finds himself stuck in a Lincoln Hall sex session with last semester’s professor to get an A in the class. It’s not until later that night that Jerry finds out he just banged his girlfriend’s mom, who he’s been told all along is a total psycho...

Kevin was Allie’s chemistry lab partner and a pretty pathetic one at that. Because she’s too polite to say no, they were grouped together on the first day after his persistent asking to work together. He was tall, awkwardly tall, scrawny, with short blonde hair and pockmarked face. Nothing like Jerry’s physique: sturdy, muscular, and what any girl would consider “dreamy.” Allie felt a little uncomfortable around Kevin but still thought he was nice, in a strange way. “Hey Allie,” the text read. “Hi Kevin. What’s up?” Within thirty seconds there was a response. “Nothing, just wanted to see what you were doing tonight.” “Actually I had dinner plans with my boyfriend. It’s our one year anniversary!” “Oh.” “No congratulations? Haha.” “No. There’s really nothing to be excited about.”

"Attending a sex addicts anonymous meeting." - Allison C., Sophomore

Allie tossed the phone back on to her bed. “What a weirdo,” she thought. “What the hell does that even mean?” Her phone lit up again. “What’s his name?” “My boyfriend? Jerry.” “Jerry who?” “Why?” “Nvm.” Allie wasn’t always one to jump to conclusions, but this short exchange had her mind rolling in fear. She barely knew Kevin; she already felt weird enough about giving her number to him so they could help each other with homework. For some reason she couldn’t shake the thought that he sounded a bit jealous. Allie’s mind kept processing it as she walked towards her closet to plan out an outfit. Before her hands could grab at the clothes, her phone went off again. Hoping that this time was finally Jerry, Allie rushed and picked up her phone while it was still ringing. “Mom.” Allie answered, disheartened. “Hey Mom,” Allie sighed. “Hi dear, how are you doing? Classes fine? Homework done?” her mom began to prattle on. After a few one word responses from Allie, she was done with talking and just listened to her mom babble on about her dumb students and their awful test scores. Allie was used to this ranting and actually found it comforting. Sure her mom was strict and overbearing, but she was a good mom nonetheless. “What plans do you have for tonight?”

Allie smiled, “Dinner with Jerry. Probably going to Flat Top.” Her mom’s voice changed, “I don’t like how much time you’re spending with that boy. I haven’t even met him, and it’s been a year.” Allie felt a little guilty for that but knew her mom would scare Jerry away, without the shotgun or knife-sharpening parents usually do when meeting the boyfriend or girlfriend for the first time. “I know Mom, I’m sorry. It’s just—” Allie started.

“Well, Mom—” “No excuses,” her voice tightened. “Lunch next week or no rent money this month.” Allie knew she was caught. “Ok, fine. Lunch,” Allie whispered. “Good. Bye, dear,” her mom said before hanging up. Allie fell on her bed, her mind racing with the possible situations that could arise when those two met. She grew concerned about what her mom had said—”You’re scared he’s going to fall for me, right?”—but quickly brushed it off when she realized the ridiculousness of it. After a few minutes of daydreaming, Allie stood up, got dressed, and prepared for a night out with Jerry.

Everyday after Midnight! WE DELIVER!

Chicken & Pizza

"I’ll be doing what I do every holiday… Gently pleasing myself to sleep." - Michael L., Sophomore

“You’re scared he’s going to fall for me, right?” her mom laughed. “But honestly, dear, I’m sick of this. Next week us three are getting lunch together.”



Got a question you want us to ask?

What are your plans for Valentine's Day?

2:35 p.m. — Allie breathed a sigh of relief when she reached the top of the three flight climb to her apartment door. She slowly went inside her room and dropped her bag on the floor, exhausted. Lifting her sore arms, she peeled off her sweaty gym clothes, tossed them in the hamper, then made her way to the shower. As she stood under the warm water, her mind wandered off to her boyfriend Jerry. She began to feel guilty that their sex life had been recently lacking. By the time she got over to his place every other night she was always tired or stressed or just not feeling it, and she could always see the disappointment on his face. When she finished showering, Allie put on her plush pink robe and slippers and headed back into her room. Just then, her phone rang with a text message. A smile quickly spread across her face as she dashed over to her desk to read it. The grin faded when Allie saw that it wasn’t “Jerry” on the screen but “Kevin.” “What in the world does he want?” Allie wondered aloud.

From the Streets



"Drunken make-outs and Jet’s Pizza." - Annie W., Senior

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continued from the cover

We are now all left to wonder what could have been. What if Griffey had completed the shot? What if the Illini had succeeded in defeating the #1 Indiana team? Maybe they would have gone on to upset #18 Minnesota. Maybe they would have gone on to an impressive tournament stand. We are only left to speculate. While beating Minnesota might be a stretch, there is no doubt that a win against Indiana would have lit a tremendous fire under the feet of this Illini team, which would have been just what they needed. Because at the end of day the Illini have not had a bad season. This writer, personally, does not understand why this team has received such a bad rap recently from students and journalists alike. Sure it’s easy to write satirical jabs at the Illini, talking about how there must be an “inside job” to sabotage the Illini season, or about how “at least they are better than the Illini football team. Save us Groce! Save us!” This is not warranted, they are a good team, and maybe if they would have won against Indiana they would have had a new burst of energy and might have actually made something out of this season. Lo, the Illini could not pull it off. They had a chance to save their season against Indiana, but it did not come into fruition. The real question is, “What now?” After days of silence from Groce, a press conference was finally arranged to discuss the future of this Illini season. Groce appeared haggard and disoriented as he walked into the press room. He was unshaven, unkept, and he was wearing pajama bottoms with a robe that appeared to be garnished with mustard stains. Sources within proximity of Groce reported a pungent smell of gin on his breath. “Well, what is it that you want to hear?” Groce said through large, dark sunglasses. This line was met with an uneasy stir from the press affiliates. It was going to be a difficult interview. “Um, Mr. Groce, sir,” a young intern finally spoke up, “Do you have anything to say about what comes next? Have you thought about the rest of the season? The tournament?” “Tournament!?” Groce roared. “Don’t give me that shit. You don’t know what kind of shit I’ve been through. I wanted to be a veterinarian! I wanted to help animals! I never wanted any of this.” “But sir, you must have some kind of attack strategy for the rest of the season.” “What’s the point? Nothing ever changes,” Groce said as he removed a flask from his robe. “If only we beat Indiana,” Groce mumbled, “If only we beat Indiana.”

“If only we beat Indiana,” Groce mumbled, “If only we beat Indiana.”



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seth macfarlane's oscar monolouge Good evening, and welcome to the 2013 Academy Awards! You know, when they asked me to host this year I said, “Sure, it should be easier than that time I hosted SNL and the ghost of Florence Nightingale put a frozen banana in my butt!” Anyway, I’m sure you’re all more excited to get this over with than John Madden’s colon after he mistook three pounds of pepper jack cheese for a rotisserie chicken! Now, if you haven’t seen the lovely Anne Hathaway -- where are you Anne? Beautiful, didn’t she and James do a great job last year? It was a meeting of ugly and stoned meets elegance and beauty, like when George R.R. Martin wanders onto a multiple-blowjob scene in Game of Thrones. Let’s start with a look at the Actor in a Leading Role candidates - we’ve got a manic depressive, a bipolar, two drunks, and a former inmate. Boy, sounds like a Monday night at Robert Downey Jr.’s house. It’s been a tight race for Actor in a Leading Role. Bradley Cooper, of course, did a wonderful job capturing a tortured bipolar man. But boy, audiences haven’t been faced with that much spousal abuse since Rihanna told Chris Brown he missed a button. Speaking of Silver Linings Playbook, Jennifer Lawrence is an amazing actress up for an award. Even now, though, the talk about Jennifer isn’t as much about how she’s a great actress, it’s about how comfortable she is in her own skin. No offense, Jennifer, but most people would be pretty comfortable in a 22-year-old woman. Only Roman Polanski would say that it’s too loose of a fit. Probably the biggest discussion of a film’s ability to make its audience think surrounded Kathryn Bigelow’s Zero Dark Thirty, and the message it sends about torture. Namely, that being waterboarded is more pleasant than sitting through all of Beasts of the Southern Wild.

In "massive buyout of a failing organization news", this year George Lucas sold Star Wars to Disney. The news only got better when Walt Disney himself awoke from his cryogenic state to design the Jewish version of Jar Jar Binks himself. [Evil voice] “Yes, his name is Jewba the Hutt and he wants to melt C-3PO and ruin America’s economy.” This year a lot of people thought Paul Thomas Anderson’s The Master would receive a nomination for Best Picture. Those people were wrong, and his Scientology allegory didn’t get the nod. If you ask me, no story about a dead, invisible entity loved by many has been snubbed that hard since Manti T’eo’s spec script for My Real-Life-I-Swear-To-God-She Exists Girlfriend: A Love Story was passed over by Harvey Weinstein. Speaking of closeted homosexuals who preach love for invisible weirdos, Tom Cruise couldn’t make it this evening. When Katie Holmes’ lawyer told him he would have to take care of Suri tonight, he was more disappointed than when his agent let him know he’d be starring in Jack Reacher, not Jack Reach-Around. There was another snub this year too, a little movie named Ted that wasn’t put up for any awards. If you ask me, it was the best film of the year, and not just because I made millions of dollars from it. It’s also because I’ve made millions and millions of dollars for it. I haven’t seen a joke that selfreferential since the last twenty years of Al Pacino’s career. And how about Life of Pi? Life of Pi is up for Best Picture this year. Good thing Bruce Vilanch hasn’t seen it, around him a Pi’s life is what? 20 minutes, tops?

Everyone knows what a treat Daniel Day-Lewis is, especially when he’s working on another personality. Audiences everywhere felt like they were looking at Abraham himself, but one thing he failed to capture with Lincoln, was honest Abe’s wellknown habit of parading around the White House dressed as a John Wilkes Booth’s wife and offering “moral oral” to everyone in sight - that was Booth’s motivation. He wasn’t against Lincoln’s policy, he just thought he was a jerk! Of course the indomitable Denzel Washington, great to have him here tonight. Denzel is the predominant race educator of our times. In 1992 as Malcolm X he taught us that success by any means necessary is still success, and in 2001 he taught us that King Kong was actually a large black man, not an ape. Well, he’s at it again this year with Flight, showing us that even when a black guy saves a hundred lives, it’s only after he shows up late and unprepared for work. And hey, what do you know? That brings us to our first award of the night. Here to present the award for Best Adapted Screenplay is James Franco in a dress. I haven’t seen someone this comfortable in the opposite sex’s clothes since...James Franco hosted the Oscars last year.

we interview:

monica theiu, 2012 jeopardy! college champion

THIS! IS! AN INTERVIEW WITH THE 2012 JEOPARDY! COLLEGE CHAMPIONSHIP WINNER, MONICA THIEU! Now a student at Stanford University, last year she steamrolled her competition to win a cool $100,000. She’ll be participating in the Jeopardy! Tournament of Champions, airing February 15th. Sure, she may know Chopin’s “Minute Waltz” is in D flat major, but does she know how to love? By: Brendan TBS: Why did you want to be on Jeopardy! so badly? Monica: I did quiz bowl stuff in high school, I’ve always known random crap, but I didn’t really know it was useful until high school. Then I was like, “You can win stuff for knowing shit? That’s great!” With Jeopardy!, I like being on TV, and I thought it would be something fun to do. TBS: What did you do to study between learning to be on the show and arriving on set? Monica: There’s a website online that archives old games with transcripts with old questions and answers. I went back and mined it for questions and answers, comparing the questions they ask with things I know and things I don’t. Hopefully, I would only be studying the things I really needed to study. TBS: Before you’re on the show do you meet your competitors? Monica: We didn’t get to meet the people on the show until we spent time in the green room. There’s actually a lot of time that we’re there that we’re not taping, and the two days we spent together brought us pretty close. Being on something like Jeopardy! brings people together. It’s not that I didn’t want to win, but if I have to beat you, I’m really sorry. TBS: Everything is taped in a two-day span? Monica: Yes. They tape five shows a day over the course of two days. TBS: In your downtime did you go do anything else non-Jeopardy! related? Monica: On the first day the people who taped before us had the opportunity to go eat in the Sony Pictures employee cafeteria. Since I taped on the fifth show out of five we had to stay in the green room, because talking with people outside of it might affect the way we play, and they can’t have that. On the second day I watched the two games being played. During lunch we had to stay in the employee cafeteria, I think they were afraid we’d go and blab the results out. TBS: There’s a pretty big stretch of time between the show taping and the show airing. How did you keep your win a secret? Monica: I told a couple of people, and it leaked out. The intent is, you’re supposed to keep mum about the results until it happens. TBS: What’s different between watching it on TV and playing in the studio? Monica: When you’re watching the show, you don’t realize how much it’s a buzzer-based game, as opposed to an answers-based game. Sure, there may be some answers a contestant might not know, but so much of it was I knew the answer, but I was too slow on the buzzer. So often people would say, “How come you didn’t get that?” and I knew the answer, but another contestant beat me to getting there. TBS: What percentage of questions did you know? What percentage did you answer? Monica: I'd be confident answering 80% to 85%, and another 5% I could make a good guess. There were a few categories where I didn’t know anything. TBS: What percentage of the questions did you get in on? Monica: Not that many. Maybe half of the questions I knew? That’s a very generous estimate; I was not very good on the buzzer. TBS: In turn, did you ever try to get in not knowing what the answer was? Monica: Sometimes you’d see the question and you think you can figure out in the five seconds they give you the answer, then you realize you can’t. TBS: When they go to a judge for a clarification, is that TV magic? Or is it really like a 2-second call on their part? Monica: Totally [TV magic]. None of my games had a pause when judges were reconsidering answers, but they’ll reevaluate a question during a commercial break. One of the times I was watching, it was a half hour break as the judges debate. TBS: What question were you proudest of answering? Monica: I’m not sure there’s a question I’m proudest of answering. I got all of the Final Jeopardy! questions correct, so I guess I’m proud of that. A couple of those were well-placed guesses. A lot of Jeopardy is a game of educated guessing. If you’re good enough to connect the dots, you can figure it out. TBS: What is Alex Trebek like? Monica: He’s a character, though we didn’t have as much time to spend with him as I thought we were going to. Basically, he’ll come out for the game, and then leave immediately to change for the next game and whatnot. We had promo photos with him, though. He’s a nice guy, but he’ll sass the audience sometimes during the commercial breaks. TBS: The constant interviews seem miserable. They are, right? Monica: Dude, they’re the worst! I wish we didn’t have to do them. I hate watching other peoples’ contestant interviews, I hated my own contestant interviews. It’s the most awkward part of the show, can we just not do this? Sometimes Alex will make a quip or innuendo and you’ll be like, “All right Alex, you go do that.” TBS: So how has winning this changed things for you? Monica: I’ve only had a few people recognize me in public, like at McDonald’s. Otherwise, it’s just funny when I have to explain to people that I was on Jeopardy! , they’ll be star struck for like, one minute. For the most part my life hasn’t been super different. TBS: $100,000 isn’t too bad, though. Monica: Oh, no no no. But taxes.

Credit: Jeopardy! Productions

the big three

entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.

safe Haven IN Theaters february 14th

If you are one of those girls, you can drag your stoner boyfriend to see Safe Haven, a Nicholas Sparks drama about a small town boy and girl who fall in love with each other (we actually didn't read the description, but this has got to be what it's about). Have your man treat you to a fancy entree at P.F. Chang's afterwards and, boom, you'll forget all about that boyfriend who left you on Valentine's Day.

die hard In theaters february 14th

Or, if you're the douchebag dumper, grab an emotional doormat off the street to see Die Hard, the fifth installment of the Bruce Willis action film about fighting and stuff. Afterward, treat her to a salad from Applebee's and some flowers from your local grocery store, and get excited for 20-minutes of average sex at your place. It's all about love.

ridiculousness Thursday, February 14th at 10pm on MTV

Or, if you are one of those couples, you can cozy up on the couch to catch the third season premiere of the viral video clip show Ridiculousness. Grab a few bottles of wine, order some pizza, and laugh and laugh and laugh at guys getting hit in the junk and getting humped by dolphins. Maybe a b.j. on the couch will happen during commercials, because you two can be so crazy sometimes!

the crossword: wild animals Across 3) You and this animal sleep up to 14 hours a day, makes sense that we’re pseudo related. 7) This king can grow to 5.5 meters. 8) They only ever have perfect, identical quadruplets. 9) Just like your stoner roommate, this eats all types of food. 10) Keeps you on pins and needles. 11) A seven deadly sin, and you on Sunday. 12) All of these bears are lefthanded. 13) A herd of these are called a “blessing,” and they truly are

one. 15) U. of Wisconsin mascot. 18) Drunk sailors once thought these were mermaids. 19) No, man, you’re not tripping; these animals have rectangular pupils. 20) These guys walk on their knuckles to protect their long claws. Down 1) Is it black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?! 2) Rudolph’s favorite fruit. 4) Girls will be a sexy this on Halloween. 5) Hay, why the long face? 6) Their skin is protected by pink sweat, which isn’t a line of Victoria’s Secret clothes. 11) A tomato-juice bath usually doesn’t even get rid of this animal’s smell. 14) A 40+ hot woman. 16) Cartman’s vigilante character, the real name. 17) A big ole’ saltwater cow.

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Mansion. Apartment. Shack. House. Spouse: - Daniel Tosh - Danielle Fishel - Danny Brown - Danielle Staub

Wedding Ceremony: - On the Brooklyn Bridge - Top of the Burj Khalifa - Inside the Spaceship Earth at Epcot - Base of the Eiffel Tower

Best Wedding Gift: - Jet Ski - Jet Pack - A Jet - Jethro Tull

Best Man: - Bill Clinton - BIll Nye - Bill Murray - Billy Bob Thornton

Celebrity Performer: - Justin Bieber - Jay-Z - Justin Timberlake - Ja Rule

Honeymoon Adventure: - Hot air ballooning around the world - Graffiting the Great Barrier Reef - Saving kittens in Romania - Skydiving from space

Maid of Honor: - Jessica Simpson - Jessica Rabbit - Jessica Lange - Jessica Biel

Wedding Chef: - Giada De Laurentiis - Paula Deen - Martha Stewart - Bobby Flay

embarrassing demise: - Suffocation at sushi-eating contest - Brain damage from Slip ‘N Slide - Stroke from doing the “Single Ladies” dance - Carpal tunnel from too much Twitter

How to play

Doodle some dots on the page until a friend (or your brain) tells you to stop. Starting with M.A.S.H., go around the board crossing off whatever option corresponds with your number. Go around the board until only one of each category is left. That, my friend, is your future. Enjoy it.

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Illinois - Issue 5 - 2/14  

Illinois - Issue 5 - 2/14

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