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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 21, Issue 11 10/31/12 - 11/7/12

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The Presidential Erection: an erotic love story

paul ryan wrote this Warning: This is about to get hella graphic. And sexy.

President Obama sits alone at his desk in the Oval Office. Despondent, the president gazes upon the stacks of paperwork that serve as a constant reminder of his work, his loneliness, his prison. With a sigh, the president leans back in his chair, throws open a drawer by his ankles, and picks up a small wooden box. With care he lifts the lid of the box and withdraws a cigar. It was as good a time as any to call it a day. After striking a match, he gently touches the tip of the cigar to his moistened lips. Before he could taste the sweet reward of his efforts, a buzz came from the intercom, “Mr. President, Mitt Romney is here to see you.” A tingle went up the president’s back as these words pierced his ears. With a shaking, eager hand, the president places his finger on the intercom’s button and applies gentle pressure. With a voice quivering from excitement he says, “Send him in.” Just then a buzz emanates from the front of the president’s pants. Withdrawing his cell phone from his pocket, he sees the words “Michelle” glowing on the screen. Emotionless, the president gazes at his phone. He silences it. With a creak the door to the Oval Office swings forward to reveal a tentative Mitt Romney. A moment went by in which not a word was spoken, but the two men told endless tales of longing through the looks in their eyes. After some time, Romney opens his lips and says, “Hello, Barry.” “Kind of bold for you to show up here, isn’t it, Em?” the president says, giving a shy smile. “You know how I am, Barry. When I want something I reach out and grab it. Say, do you got one of those for me?” Romney says, nodding to the cigar in the president’s hand. “Why, you can have this one, cowboy,” the president says as he gets up from his chair and approaches the elderly prize in front of him. Placing his aged hands on the cigar, Romney inserts the tip into his mouth and then thrusts the cigar in and out. An electricity pulses between the two men as they stare into each other’s eyes. Gently, the president places his hand on the back of Mitt’s head, stroking his hair. Without hesitation, Romney presses his lips onto the president’s, thrusting his elderly tongue into his

A Lesson in Cold Stone Etiquette

An employee begs you to brush up before your next craving.

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mouth. His and Obama’s hearts are beating strong and in unison. Obama tugs at Romney’s hair as Mitt unbuttons Obama’s shirt and begins massaging his dark pepperoni nipples. Obama kisses Mitt’s chin, his chest, his belly, moving steadily downward until he is on his knees undoing Mitt’s belt. After bringing Mitt’s pants to his ankles, Obama seizes Mitt’s wrinkly, elderly cock in his hands. So full of wisdom and history, this ancient mushroom tip represents all of Obama’s dreams and desires. “I’m sorry it’s not bigger,” Romney says looking down at Obama. “Let’s see if we can’t change that,” Obama says as he lifts up Romney’s wrinkled scrotum and begins tenderly and rhythmically licking Romney’s taint. Mitt moans in ecstasy as the president be-

what’s inside

gins working his decrepit shaft in his mouth, keeping his eyes locked on Romney’s the entire time. “Hold on, hold on. I just got here. Why don’t you take off your pants, and let’s stay a while?” Romney asks as the president removes his pants and bends over his desk. “Would you mind if I asked whether your ass is clean?” “Would you mind if I said it wasn’t?” Obama winks as Mitt Romney gets down on his knees and inserts his tongue into the president of The United States’s asshole. Obama wiggles and quivers as Romney’s tongue explores every nook and cranny of the President’s colon. “Now that’s what I call free health care,” Obama says between moans. As he is bent over the desk, Obama reaches into a drawer and pulls out a bottle of Coconut Cîroc. continued on page 10

You + Me = Sex

Big Bird Tells All

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it's not always so easy down on sesame street.

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contents

Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com

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page 6: Tight Pants or Pucks

The Illini hockey team is a real fall sports team, so stop wasting your time with the footballers.

page 7: Smoking Referendum Leads to Alcohol Ban UIUC will be alcohol free starting November 2013.

page 8: Pregnancy Scares

It's too bad in real life you can't just pop your pregnant belly out of sheer embarrassment.

page 9: The Top 10: Signs of a Shut Down

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Things to look out for before your night goes bad.

page 16: Bartenders of the Week

Table of

Let andrea and tori quench your thirst!

page 17: the booze review this week, we indulged in some Spicebox Canadian Spiced Whisky.

page 18: From the Streets Trick or Treat... and why?

page 21: We interview:

The King of Swing, but if you're expecting an old jazz musician, you're about to get the opposite.

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Meet The Staff Managing Editor Mike Benson copy Editor Katelyn Lilly Advertising Manager Eric Blokel distribution Managers Patrick Rafferty & Mike Lieber Contributing Writers Kevin Hanes | Rebecca Jacobs Morgan Foster | Molly Forrest Ashley Perl | Max Russell John McCombs | Ryan Rudolf Austin Gomez

Find Us At...

pr manageRs Abbie Welsch | Chloe Miseck Colin Lateano photographer Graca Haka campus director Brendan Bonham owner Atish Doshi Founders Atish Doshi & Derek Chin Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com 217-390-1747

Blind Pig 2 | Boltini | Brothers | Burnham 310 | Canopy Club | Clybourne | Cowboy Monkey | Discount Den | Electric Tan | Espresso Royal | Fat Sandwich | Firehaus | Follets | Fubar | Geovanti’s | Green St. Café | GSC 2 | Guidos | Guiliani’s | High Dive | Hooters | Howbowda Bagel | Indigo Place | Insomnia Cookies | Joe’s | Jupiters | Kams | Legends | Memphis on Maine | Murphy’s | Niro’s | One North| One South | One World | Piccadilly on First | Pita Pit | Potbelly | Qdoba | Roland Office | Silvermine | Solar Tan | Starbucks | Subway| Tanning next to Canopy | The Village | Tower at Third | Underground Printing | University Village | The Beef Stand | Zorba’s BINS ALL OVER CAMPUS, SOME DORMS, ALL GREEK HOUSES, AND MORE!!

Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747


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! k e e W e h t f o c i P

Dear Mike, So I’m halfway through my first semester of college and have decided that my current major isn’t for me. With registration coming up I need some advice on classes I should take to broaden my horizons. Any suggestions? Sincerely, Majorless Dear Major Pain, First off, let me personally congratulate you on having the balls to make a change in your life. If more people did that then we would have way fewer disenchanted business majors in the world. I have given this question a lot of thought and have personally constructed a unique course load for you next semester that I really think will benefit you. The first class you need to take is PLPA 401 - Plant Pathogenic Fungi. This class will tell you everything you need to know about the biology and ecology of fungi. While you get a good grasp on the fungi, you need to get started on your chemistry as well. That is why you should take CHEM 237 - Structure and Synthesis. Now, you don’t need to know a lot of chemistry for my course plan, so we’re just gonna skip right to 237. CPSC 352 - Plant Genetics is going to be your next class. It is important that you pay a lot of attention in that class, because without it most of this course load is useless. Next you should take ACCY 200 - Fundamentals of Accounting. You need to learn how to manage your money. Finally, take LAW 604 - Criminal Law. This one is simply for your own safety. You don’t have to take it, but if you want a leg up on the competition then I would definitely recommend it. Congratulations! You are now one step closer to becoming a drug dealer and producer, which is just about the only way to make a buck nowadays. Hope this helps, Mike

Sexy Anagrams

Yes Mom Rums

Do you know who these hotties are? Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!

Loan Bloom Rod last week’s answers

Kristen Stewart & Colin Farrell

The stallion that mounts the world has no need for iron chairs. (Want to become famous next week? Awesome.) Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com

word of the week Liecense:

Any form of fake identification used illicitly. “Kyle‘s liecense came in handy when the keg ran dry. When he came back with a few cases of Keystone Light he was the life of the party.”


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A Lesson in Cold Stone Etiquette Kitty Kat wrote this Although the weather is getting colder with each passing day, that doesn’t stop many students from taking a trip to Cold Stone Creamery on Green Street for a sweet ice cream treat. That’s right, it’s possible to walk past the shop at 5 p.m. on a week day and find the line stretched to the door. Needless to say, these people are nuts. It’s forty degrees outside, and you really have a taste for a chocolate shake right now? Maybe the people that are the craziest are the actual workers inside. I would know; I’m one of them. And if we’re not crazy yet, we’re about to be due to all of the crazy requests presented by customers each day. So readers, I give to you a comprehensive etiquette guide to all things Cold Stone. Please be sure to brush up before your next trip.

you could hang on to that for me? Don’t worry, I’ll make sure to charge you for this. I have to get paid somehow. Yes, that’s all the cakes we have made right now. Being one of the top cake-selling franchise locations in the region, we definitely rely on our cakes to churn out profit. So no, there aren’t any more “in the back,” that magical place that only exists in retail stores like Bed Bath & Beyond in Click. What you see is what you get. Yes, all of our cakes are made with ice cream. No, we don’t have “normal cakes.” You want a normal cake? It’s called go to Walgreens and buy a box of Betty Crocker mix. Or call your mommy and tell her you’re hungry.

I’m going to assume that more than 75% of our customers are college students. With this high level of education, there is no reason that you should not be able to do some simple math in your head. Please stop asking how much everything is, so I don't have to figure out the cost of tax in my head before we even get to the register. Maybe if you had brought more than $2 and had gotten less than fifteen things mixed in you wouldn’t be having this financial panic right now. If it’s just too difficult for you, you have a cell phone right? Use the calculator there. The prices and sizes are listed oh-so conveniently in huge print on the wall menu. It’s not that hard to figure out.

Unfortunately, it’s not possible for me to mix five different ice cream flavors in the small, “Like It” container, you greedy little bastard. Stop being a typical indecisive woman and just get a Birthday Cake Remix like every other sorority girl that walks through our doors. I’m a Cold Stone employee, not a magician. I can’t just squeeze six ounces of ice cream and mix-ins into a five ounce container. But we’ve already established that the average customer can’t compute math, so maybe that’s the reason. You can’t decide what you want? That’s what sample spoon and repeat visits are for. Or you can just get a large to-go container and decide your favorite flavor in the comfort of your own home.

world of ice cream serving. The best part of the job is sneaking spoonfuls of Cake Batter in between the rushes of customers, and the tips I get for flirting with toothless townie boys. Working at Cold Stone may make me grow gray hair sooner than expected, but it’s a pretty good time in the process.

Going off this, I will never understand the people who try to hand me their credit cards to pay while I’m still mixing their ice cream. Hey man, I’m a little busy right now, think

Listen, I love my job, everything about it. And I know that everyone I work with feels the same. But there are just some days I’m glad that I won’t be earning a living in the

Cold Stone Creamery does not endorse any of these remarks. I’m just an overworked, stressed-out writer who needed someone to vent to.

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Tight Pants or Pucks kimberly ann wrote this Since the members of the NHL refuse to get the pucks out of their asses and stop this lockout nonsense, die-hard hockey fans are left to find other ways to get their hockey fix. Well, they can all cram into the shed of an ice rink that the Illini hockey team plays in while the “almighty” football team loses another game in their massive stadium. When it comes to toughness, overall attractiveness, and entertainment, Illini football players don’t have shit on hockey players: partly because hockey takes more skill than prancing around in tight pants, and jumping on another guy whenever possible. Right now the only people that actually go to Illini football games are old, fat and drunken alumni trying to relive their glory days, forgetting for a brief moment what their sad lives have become. Alumni donate more money than most will ever see in their lives so the football team can at least look fly in sick uniforms when they get their asses handed to them. The football team should really be worrying about learning the fundamentals of the game, instead of which color combination is going to look best with their skin complexion. And instead of donating thousands to the football team, some of these alumni should spend their money on a gym membership or a psychiatrist, because no amount of cash is going to turn back time to before their five failed marriages and miserable jobs. Herds of freshmen also swarm into the stadium because they still can’t get into bars, and they wouldn’t want their RA to catch them drinking in their dorm rooms all morning. To every other student, football is just an excuse to drink at 7 a.m.. Face it, Illini fans need to drink excessive amounts of booze to ease the pain of disappointing season after disappointing season. Hockey fans don’t have to get completely hammered before a game because they aren’t constantly embarrassed by the Illini hockey team’s performance. They can walk around wearing orange and blue with pride, because their team won or hell, at least put up a fight. And the Harassing Illini is easily one of the best fan groups on campus. Slamming beers and cheering hard for Illini Hockey, this group is always a blast to be around. All Illini football has is drunk 300-pound alumni and their soccer mom wives butchering “Oskee Wow Wow.” Furthermore, everything is better on ice: crappy musicals, stumbling drunks and, if you don’t mind possibly getting charged with indecent exposure and painful frostbite, sex. While football players are challenged by walking and talking at the same time, Illini hockey players fly around on skates, chasing a small puck and beating the crap out of each other all at once without a whistle being

blown every four seconds. Football players think they’re tough as nails, but football players have to listen to a puny, little man with a striped shirt when they’re playing too rough. Hockey players slam each other into walls and get into fist fights before a whistle is blown. It must be nice to get a small break every couple minutes in football. In hockey, players are expected to skate and play hard for more than two minutes at a time. Illini football is undoubtedly a huge part of campus. So sure, go ahead and get wasted with your friends to watch a game. But if you want a real badass team that’s worthy of the title “sports team” on this campus, check out the Illini hockey team before the season is over.


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Smoking Referendum Leads to Alcohol Ban tex mex wrote this Earlier this month students were shocked to discover that, in addition to the passing of the Urbana campus smoking ban, another ban will be put into effect. Becoming the first dry campus of the Big Ten, the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign will become alcohol-free by November 2013. Although, some speculation suggests that the Big Ten Conference may be looking to strip the university of its place, under the presumption that it’s “a total pussy move.” Hidden in one of the university’s mass mailings that no student in their right mind reads unless they’re home at 1:30 a.m. on a Saturday night, the proposal vote from the Student Senate simply stated the phrase, “With your help, we’ve come one step closer to making the University of Illinois a cleaner and safer environment for the students… on a side note, if you want drinking banned too, don’t respond to this email.” The voting results came in with a near unanimous 99% approval rating for the policy’s passage, meaning that a grand total of 1% of the emails had actually been opened. Upon receiving the news, several students cried out in backlash. “Am I the only one who thinks we all got suckered into this?” said one junior after finding the email in his spam folder. “I can’t even remember what I used to do for fun before I came here. I’ve integrated drinking into so many aspects of my daily routine that I have no idea what I’ll do with myself. Waking up in the morning? Have a shot. Ten minutes to kill before class? Shotgun a beer. Writing an essay due in six hours? You bet your ass I’d have to be drunk for that.” After a flurry of enraged student responses, we decided to check in for a quote from the Student Senate to get a perspective other than one of a borderline alcoholic. “All in all, it’s really for the

best,” said the Senate representative. “As a political science major, I feel that I’m at liberty to deem what is best for students as well as what will look good on my resume. Can you imagine what that will look like? I can legitimately put in huge, 36-sized font text that I truly made a politically-charged, significant difference in my school, and employers will eat that shit up like grad students scrambling for a professorship.” On the social gathering front, several bars on campus will either have to close doors or offer non-alcoholic alternatives to accommodate the ban. Bars such as Kam’s, Joe’s, Firehaus, and Cly’s all aim to move their business elsewhere. Both Legends and Canopy Club plan on transitioning over to an alcohol-free drinking environment, but management for the latter speculates that, with both smoking and drinking banned, most of their hip customers won’t find the establishment to be “ironic” enough to be cool anymore. Several fraternities will also be forced to make the transition that will ultimately affect methods of initiation, hazing, and the intensity of their parties. An unnamed frat house is preemptively preparing for the ban by resorting to hazing initiates by ordering them to drink massive amounts of water instead of beer during meetings. As opposed to the normality of freshman and sophomore rushees returning to their dorms drunk and disorderly, many of them have reported just feeling “a little bloated” after their hazing events. One student claimed that he was still in the bathroom for hours afterwards, but it was more or less to take “a longer piss than the one [he] held in throughout the last Lord of the Rings movie.” The ban has influenced many business and chemistry students to establish an underground bootlegging service that will transform

Champaign-Urbana into a downstate, Prohibition Era Chicago. Anonymous sources dressed in 1930s gangster attire and pinstriped slacks have stated their interest in creating a moonshine industry within the shadows of campus grounds. “We contacted Steve Buscemi to help us out a little bit on this, but he keeps ignoring our calls,” claimed one student in the College of Business. “He’s the closest thing we have to Al Capone right now, so if he doesn’t pull through, I don’t know what we’ll do. I’ve only took two marketing classes and a few gen-eds. I don’t know how to handle any of this.”


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Pregnancy Scares Forrest Fire wrote this Pregnancy scares tend to cause reevaluation of one’s lifestyle. Abstinence, sobriety, and responsibility quickly replace obliteration and causal sex. You make promises like wearing a condom, or for some extremists, a chastity belt. For two weeks I walked around campus with a balloon in my shirt to get a full understanding of what it is really like to be a pregnant student. I didn’t change my lifestyle. I changed my image. If I was going to be pregnant I needed to look and feel the part and know exactly what I was getting myself in to. The Quad: The first place I went to show off my hot, new bod was the Quad. It was prime time to frolic, and those with judging eyes were out for the party. I heard a lot of shit talking like, “That sucks,” “Is that chick knocked up?” and “Yikes.” The peanut gallery’s comments regressed me back to my self-conscious pre-teen days and made me feel like a victim. It would have been less awkward to be out there begging for change or telling all the students that they’re going to Hell. The Alma Mater: I decided that this would be a great place for a pregnant photo shoot and to attract a lot of attention. Instead of doing the cliché Alma Mater poses, I decided to show off my pregnant belly and put up six fingers, signifying six months. The passersby found this offensive; young, drop-out mothers on MySpace did not. Classroom in Greg Hall: This was the longest forty-seven minutes of my life. Sitting in a room of 150 people who I believed were staring into my soul gave me terrible anxiety. Facebook and Twitter couldn’t even distract me. After the fact, I decided that this was a bad idea. Out of those 150, there were probably ten bachelors that I will never have a chance with because they don’t want to get involved with my fake baby mama drama. The UGL: I went to the UGL between classes to kill some time. Luckily, it was pretty dead, but that only made the whispers so much easier to hear. People realized it was a hoax when my balloon popped, and I was no longer pregnant. I made a quick escape, so that I would not be further judged for walking around pretending to be pregnant. I don’t know what’s more awkward. Starbucks: This is where the pregnancy card really paid off. I pretended like my back was hurting, and a few kind souls actually let me cut them in line! I drank my venti hot chocolate (because caffeine and fake babies don’t mix) with pride knowing that I was the recipient of a pity party. I might have to try this one again.

Firehaus: Everyone in the bar turned into the surgeon general and talked to their groups of friends about how bad it was to drink while pregnant with a child. I actually never held any alcohol, just a couple cups of Cokes sans whiskey, but people still gave me death stares. This was my shortest visit because I thought people were going to take out their pitchforks and stone me. Market Place Mall: This was considered my safe zone. No one really acknowledged me here because most of them were townies and had their own non-baby bump problems. If I were really pregnant, this is where I would hang out because these people get me. All of the toothless women I saw did not judge me. Instead of acknowledging my stomach, they frequently complimented me on my cute boots and full set of teeth. This entire experiment made me realize two things. The first was that I definitely do not look good pregnant, and the second was that the sex that almost caused a newborn child was not worth it. Oh, and the third, that I actually wasn’t pregnant, thankfully. So the next time you’re blacked out, triple check for condoms and make sure that your partner is someone who can pay child support. The last thing you want is a real balloon belly for nine months.

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The Top 10

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Signs of a Shut Down No matter how much game you have, you’re going to strike out with a hottie every once in a while. There are points you can walk away with pride before being completely shut down in front of everyone at the bar; watch for these signs to save your dignity. 10.) The Relationship Bomb: As soon as the hot bod you’re hopelessly hitting on says the word “boyfriend/girlfriend,” forget it! They’re thinking of all the sexy things they’re going to do with their significant other that night. Your free drinks and bad lines won’t change their mind. 9.) The Walk Away: If you make a move or throw out a casual one-liner and the potential slam straight-up walks away without even uttering a “Get lost,” don’t chase after ‘em. They thought you were so repulsive they didn’t even want to spend the two seconds to verbally shut you down. 8.) Freaky Features: If they start telling you all about their weird quirks, they’re trying to scare you off. It’s not supposed to be a sneaky way of describing their kinky habits. They don’t want to feel like a dick for bailing, so they purposely gross you out, hoping you get the hint and aren’t turned on by the fact that they still wet the bed.

You + Me = Sex becky jacobs wrote this Gentlemen, or rather men driven by their primal instincts, listen up! Unrenowned scientists have cracked the code on how to guarantee getting into a sultry chick’s pants by reviewing countless chick flicks. After hours upon hours of sitting in front of the TV, watching Netflix with a tub of Ben & Jerry’s and an extra-large spoon, these brilliant people have finally figured out the formula. That’s right, no more lonely nights wishing you had the sex life of Hugh Hefner in his prime - or even the present. Pull out your pencils and your condoms (in the name of science, safety first), and copy this down: 324 trips to the ARC + 19 passionate letters + 1 door in the fountain by the Alumni Center + 1 fake orgasm in the dining hall + 2 keys to a chastity belt – Any pickup lines you were planning to “score with” = Gettin’ it in. In case you’re lost, here’s a breakdown of those steps of the equation: 324 trips to the ARC: This number of trips may seem excessive, but it’s necessary. Attention all males on campus: That V-neck with a strand of chest hair poking out is not fooling anyone. You don’t have muscles, and you’re not Ryan Gosling. Go to the gym and lift some weights. Only then can you lift a chick above your head in the bar like Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing. Not only is it a memorable first impression, but baby will let you in her corner tonight. Her corner is her vagina, by the way. A girl needs to know that you’re going to be able to protect her if it comes down to that. A boyfriend without muscles is as effective as walking with your keys between your fingers on a dark night in deep, residential Urbana. 19 passionate letters: Let’s return to Ryan Gosling. He’s the Photoshopped god of Crazy, Stupid, Love. Although his physique drew Emma Stone into his bed, it’s his work in The Notebook that is more attainable than abs of steel. (Disclaimer: You don’t need abs of steel to lift a girl above your head, and if you do, she’s probably too big for you, bro). Sit down and write—or as

a last resort, text—letters to the lady of your fancy. No, sexting doesn’t count. If Shakespeare can woo for centuries without an illustration of his genitals, so can you. 1 door in the fountain by the Alumni Center: Titanic is romantic; there’s no denying that. It’s probably unlikely a girl will let you draw her nude with only her tramp stamp showing, similar to what Jack did with Rose. And if she does, you’ve definitely found yourself a winner. Instead, show your chick you’d die for her, figuratively speaking. (Don’t tell her it’s figurative, though). Rip the door off your apartment and throw it in the fountain. Lay your female on the door and swim around under water for a while without ever letting go of her hand. When she sees the Titanic connection, she’ll quickly want that door replaced on your apartment as you head in to dry off.

7.) Makin’ Moves on Other People: If your potential slam starts asking about your friend, it’s time to end this one as well. They are blatantly using you to get to your much more attractive friend who's probably better in bed. Sorry. 6.) Text-asourus-rex: Don’t you hate when the guy or girl you’re talking to is more interested in their phone than you? Yeah, move on. They’re texting their normal slam piece to meet up or catching up on their Twitter feed. You have about the same chance of getting in their pants as the football team has making it to a bowl game. 5.) The Fake Lesbian: When a chick tells you she just wants to dance and drink with her girls tonight, don’t start thinking you’re about to see some hot lesbian makeout sessions. She just doesn’t want to dance or drink with you… ever. 4.) They’re Tanked: Unless you’re a total lightweight, don’t let your prospect out-drink you. Close the tab before it gets too late, and you’re stuck dealing with the pukey mess. They aren’t looking to bang you, just get hammered at the expense of your bank account. They might not satisfy your sexual needs, but you satisfied their alcohol fix. 3.) They’re Sober: With that being said, don’t ever try to hit on someone who’s significantly more sober than you. The key is to find the nice little sweet spot in between. What you think is a hot bod is a troll; beer gogs can be a real bitch. If by chance you left your beers gogs at home and you actually are trying to pick up someone attractive, whiskey dick is also a bitch. Get your wasted ass home; no one wants it tonight. 2.) Friend Zone: The girl you’ve been buying drinks for just wants to talk and ignores your attempts to hit on her. She seals the deal by making a lame excuse not to chill after the bars close. Congratulations, you’ve landed yourself in the friend zone. If you catch this early enough, ditch the broad and try for one of her friends.

1 fake orgasm in the dining hall: Has this been done before? It seems like it should have. Kids are doing it everywhere else these days; why not the dining hall too? Channel your inner When Harry Met Sally, and put on some dinner entertainment for the night in the dorm hall. Not only is it live entertainment, but a preview for later for any lucky ladies who drop by your table. Fake it like all those girls did in your bed last year. Put on the show and see how many people recite in unison, “I’ll have what he’s having.” 2 keys to a chastity belt: Not all women are dancing on the tables at Red Lion. Some prefer Medieval Times reenactments on the South Quad. In that case, you may have a Robin Hood Men in Tights gal on your hands. That means you’ll be finding a chastity belt under that floor length skirt. Keep two copies of a universal chastity belt key on hand. Two in case you lose one. Unlock your night’s destiny and swoon at the thought of medieval bedroom talk. Once you’ve accomplished all that, make sure to ditch any lame pickup lines your learned back in high school and be a man for once. So what are you waiting for? Get out there!

1.) Drink Denial: If you’re at a bar hopelessly trying to pick up the hot bod, and they won’t even let you buy them a drink, walk away. They’re out of your league, and they know it. Swallow your pride and move on, or just drink your sorrows away.

kimberly ann wrote this


page 10

continued from the cover

“Having a drink over there?” Romney says wiping his mouth. “Why, do you want some?” Obama asks as he rips open his shirt to reveal his sweaty washboard abs. Laying down on the desk, Obama pours the Coconut Cîroc on his stomach as Romney bends down and sucks up the sweet-tasting liquor. After it’s all gone, Romney gives Obama’s abs a small kiss. “Enough of that cute shit. Let me tap that ass,” Obama proclaims as he lifts Romney onto the desk and shows him his 12-inch long throbbing cock. Taking the flag pole at the side of his desk, Obama tears off the American flag and gags Romney with it, so as to have something for him to bite down on as he shoves his massive member into Romney’s wrinkled, weathered ass. “This is gonna hurt,” Obama says. “I know,” Romney whispers. Tenderly, the President inserts himself into Romney. In the first moments of ecstasy Obama felt completely fulfilled and connected to the governor. With increasing speed, Obama rhythmically works his cock in and out of Romney, until at last he is brutally and bombastically pounding his cock into Romney’s sore rectum to the sound of the governor’s muffled screams. In the heat of the moment, Obama spits on his hand and reaches around to tug relentlessly on Romney’s throbbing member. Slowly, but with the determination of a man who knows what he wants, Obama works Romney’s shaft as he continues to pound his ass mercilessly. Eventually Romney quivers, closes his eyes, and unleashes a torrent of jizz all over a cut Planned Parenthood bill on Obama’s desk. Sweaty and heaving, Obama prepares himself for the big finish. While humming “The Battle Hymn of the Republic,” Obama stands up on his desk, flips Romney over, pulls his head back with his hair, and unloads a couple ropes of hot, steamy spunk onto Governor Romney’s face. With the heat of the moment dying down, Obama and Romney wrap each other up in the American flag and begin to cuddle. As Romney closes his eyes and listens to Obama’s heartbeat, the president roles up a joint. “Why do we have to fight all the time?” Romney whispers as Obama takes a fat rip of the joint. After a moment of thought, Obama passes the joint to Romney, looks him tenderly in the eye and says, “Some loves simply need to be kept secret.” As a tear slowly descends down the governor’s cheek, Obama wipes it away and says, “We’ll always have D.C.”

With the heat of the moment dying down, Obama and Romney wrap each other up in the American flag and begin to cuddle. As Romney closes his eyes and listens to Obama’s heartbeat, the president roles up a joint.


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The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3 SPECIAL NIGHT

FRIDAY & SATURDAYS IN NOVEMBER: $2.50 Bud Light Bottles

Saturday Night's Show CHALICE DUBS MASQUERADE featuring MIDNIGHT CONSPIACY, DJ SOLO, D1RTY NO1ZE, THWYP! and SUBSTR8

SATURDAY! DOLLAR PARTY $1 Fatty Natty Bottles $1 Burnetts Whipped Vodka

SATURDAY: Whiskey Daredevils, $7, 10pm w/ Krank Daddies

WEDNESDAY 10/31

$0.15 Wings pm Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles $2 Flavored Long Island $2 Jager Bombs

Biggest Halloween Party on Campus with THE PIANO MAN! Playing all your favorites! $2 Real Strong Island Iced Teas!

2nd Annual DEVILS BALL Costume Contests Pole Dance Competition Over $750 in Cash & Prizes $2 Malibu Rum $2 Bud Light Bottles

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

THURSDAY 11/1

$1 Wells, $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 SoCo, Jack Daniels & Tuaca Mixers, $3 Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers

KRADDY and HeROBUST

BOMBS AWAY! $1 BOMBS (Vegas, Cherry, O-Bombs) $2 U CALL IT $3 EVERYTHING ELSE!

Closed for Private Party Book YOURS by calling us at 398-2688 or emailing info@cowboy-monkey.com

FRIDAY 11/2

$1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells, $3 Three Olives Vodka Mixers, $3 Signature Shots, $7 Domestic Pitchers $3.50 20oz Bud Light Taps $2.50 Bud Light Bottles

G. LOVE & SPECIAL SAUCE with GIANT PANDA GUERILLA DUB SQUAD

Happy Hour Food Special 5pm-9pm: $3 PIZZAS!! $3 Bud Light Tallboy Cans $4 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers $3 Jameson

DJ Wesjile / DJ Kow Free!, 10pm House Music, Mash-Ups, Top 40 Dance Tracks and More!

SATURDAY 11/3

$1 Cherry & O Bombs, $2Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells $3 Bacardi Mixers $7 Domestic Pitchers $3.50 20oz Bud Light Taps $2.50 Bud Light Bottles

CHALICE DUBS MASQUERADE featuring MIDNIGHT CONSPIRACY, DJ SOLO, D1RTY NO1ZE, THWYP! and SUBSTR8

DOLLAR PARTY $1 Fatty Natty Bottles $1 Burnetts Whipped Vodka

Whiskey Daredevils, $7, 10pm w/ Krank Daddies

SUNDAY 11/4

Closed

CONSPIRATOR and BOOMBOX with ABAKUS and CINNAMON CHASERS

Book your next party or event at The Clybourne! Contact our event planner at CochraneParty@gmail.com

Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE | 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts | $2 Miller Lite Drafts | $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas | $5 Nacho

MONDAY 11/5

MASON JAR MONDAY! $3 Bud Light and Budweiser Drafts $3 Double Wells $3 Double Jack and Double Soco

OFFICIAL MGK AFTERPARTY!

$4 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets $2 Cruzan Rum $2 Pinnacle Vodka

Book Your Private Party by calling us at 398-2688 or emailing info@cowboy-monkey.com

TUESDAY 11/6

CRAFT BEER NIGHT! $2 Wells, $2 Micro Drafts $3 Import Drafts $2 Shot of the Week

OPEN DECKS Think you're a DJ? Come spin! $2 Red Bull Well Drinks No Cover!

WINE NIGHT! $8 Bottles of Woodbridge Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Tullamore Dew Whiskey $2 Svedka Vodka, $2 312 Bottles

Open Mic Night - No Cover! Inside Stage

WEDNESDAY 11/7

$0.15 Wings pm Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles $2 Flavored Long Island $2 Jager Bombs

FOXY LADY PHILANTHROPY (Early Show!) THE PIANO MAN! (Late Show) Playing all your favorites! $2 Real Strong Island Iced Teas!

$4 Malibu Rum 24oz CLYBONE Drinks $2 Malibu Black or Red Rum $2 Bud Light Bottles, $2 Wells $2 Absolut Vodka

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas


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The BarGrid Page 2 of 3

Bicycle and Scooter Storage Convenient Grocery Store Tanning

Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street

SPECIAL NIGHT

Time Warp Tuesday Playing the Best of the 90's Bulls vs Magic 7pm $2.99 Cheeseburger & Chips 4-10pm, $2 Wells HALF PRICE SHARKBOWLS

WED. 10/31

HALLOWEEN at FIREHAUS Over $1000 In Prizes including... $250 VISA GIFT CARD $100 BEST BUY GIFT CARD TRIP TO LAS VEGAS Get a Jack-O-Lantern Sharkbowl!

MONDAY: $3 Jameson Open Mic Wednesdays, $2 Coors Light Special Night and Miller Light Draft Come Play! Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers and ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from Apps 6-8 every day. 1/2 Off (After 5pm) Free pool during happy hour!!! $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich 35 E. Green Street

Open Mic Night! Wednesday Great specials, MIC Night ComeOPEN play music for your $2.50 Corona friends! $2.50 Jager Bombs

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

Saturday! Pangea Dance Company Presents BELLY BOO Breast Cancer Fundraiser 6pm - 8pm

Fill out our party inquiry form at joesbrewery.com or call 217-384-1790 to book today! Costume Contest! $500 Cash for Best Individual Costume, $500 Cash for Best Group Costume, $100 for the Sexiest Costume

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

OLD SCHOOL HALLOWEEN! DJ Delayney Spinning! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite NO COVER!

$2 Fireball and $3 Smirnoff Drinks

$3 Strong Islands

THURSDAY 11/1

$5 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers $3 Jack Daniels $2.50 Three Olives Vodka $3 SoCo Lime Shots $3 Three Olives Bombs $2.50 Bud Light Bottles Chargers vs Chiefs 7pm

$2 Domestic Bottles $4 ICB’s $3 Imports and Specialty Beers $3 Cherry Bombs $4 Pitchers of Bud and Coors Light

$3.50 White Russians $3 Any Draft $7.50 Italian Beef

Industry Night w/ DJ Luniks Doors Open at 9pm

Beer, a Bomb and a Burger $2 Bud Lights $2 Jager Bombs

FRIDAY 11/2

$5 Bud Light 40's $3 Captain Morgan & Beam $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Sweet Revenge Shots Bulls vs Cavs 6:30pm

$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs $7.95 Fish Sandwich

DJ Delayney $4 Double Wells No Cover Before 10:30 w/ Student ID!

Happy Hour Under the Heat Lamps! $2 Kentucky Apple Shots $3 Jim Beam $3 Pinnacle Drinks

SATURDAY 11/3

Special Saturday Mug Night! You Keep our Huge 34oz Glass Firehaus Mug!! ILLINI vs OHIO STATE 2:30pm Bulls vs Hornets 7pm

$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands

Catch all the Sports Action at Guido's!

Pangea Dance Company Presents BELLY BOO Breast Cancer Fundraiser 6pm - 8pm

Now Booking November Birthday Parties! 217-384-1790

SUNDAY 11/4

BEARS vs TITANS - Noon Win a Bears Jersey! $2 ANYTHING! Every Liquor.... Every Domestic Beer $3.99 for 10 Haus Wings

$2 Drafts $3 All Dr’s $4 Oh Yeah’s

$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers $5 Nachos

Free Shuttle from Wright and Daniel Every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday!

The Original Sunday Funday with 25% Off Appetizers and $3 22oz Bud Lights

MONDAY 11/5

Monday Night Football: HALF PRICE APPETIZERS 4pm-10pm $15 Bud Light Hydrants $2 Long Islands, $3 Import/Crafts

$2 Coors and Miller Light Pints $3 Cherry bombs $3 Vodka RB $4 Double Vodka RB

$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft 1/2 Off Apps (After 5pm) $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich

80s Night Has Moved to Cowboy Monkey!

Check out our Burger of the Week! Monday Night Joes Red Bull "Play and Destroy" $2 Sailor Jerry

TUESDAY 11/6

Time Warp Tuesday Playing the Best of the 90's Bulls vs Magic 7pm $2.99 Cheeseburger & Chips 4-10pm, $2 Wells HALF PRICE SHARKBOWLS

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Marky Bombs $4 Strong Islands

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells $7.50 Roast Beef and Cheddar Melt

Book a Party or Special Event! 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

1/2 Price Burgers and $2 Blue Moons Tequila Tuesday & the 8th Grade Dance

WED. 11/7

Firehaus Bud Mug Night $2 Tullamore Irish Whiskey, $2 Sailor Jerry 92 Proof Spiced Rum $1 SHOTS Specialty Menu! $3.99 Buffalo Chicken Sandwich 4pm-10pm

Open Mic Night! Great specials, Come play music for your friends!

WPCD 88.7 Presents: Electric Six w/ Little Hurricane Doors Open at 8pm

Book Your November/ December Parties Now! Check out JoesBrewery.com or call 217-384-1790 for more info!

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken


The BarGrid Page 3 of 3

DOWNTOWN 1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

KAM'S

$5 Bacardi Doubles $2.50 Jameson Singles $2.50 B.L. Platinum, Corona, Red Stripe, Hieneken, Stella Bottles

SHACKER NIGHT Special Guest DJ! $5 24oz Shackers $2 UV Vodka $2.50 Fireball Whiskey Shots

BIG FRIDAY! $4 32oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

$5.50 Bacon Q Ch. Burger w/ FF $2.50 Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots $5 Skyy, Wild Turkey, Beam Dbls $2.25 Leinenkugels, Killians, Michelob Amber, & Shock Top Pints $2.75 Murphy’s Pub Stout Pints $7.50 Coor’s Light, Miller Lite, Bud & Bud Light Pitchers

Open at 5pm $1 Fatty Natty Bottles $3 Jim Beam $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Jager Bombs

$2 Coors Light Bottles $7 Pitchers of Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

$5.50 Mushroom MEGA Ch. Burger w/ FF $2.50 Dr. & Rum Chata Shots $5 Bacardi & Jameson Doubles $2.25 Miller Lite, Coor’s Light, Bud, & Bud Light Pints $2.75 Murphy’s Pub Stout Pints $7.50 Leine, Killians, Mich. Amber, & Shock Top Pitchers

CLUB 211 FREE GLOWSTICKS BLACKLIGHTS Bacardi Frat Potion Night! Book your next party or event at Red Lion Contact our event planner at CochraneParty@gmail.com

SUN. 11/4

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

Party w/ the Barenjager Girls! Klub Kam’s! All High Energy featuring DJ Sevlo $3.50 Blue Guys & Energy Drinks, $2 Big Long Islands, $1.50 16oz Hamm’s Cans, $2 Lite & Coors Lt. Bottles $2.00 Jager Bombs

LOGO GLASS DAY! $4 Pints and $2 Refills

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 Malibu Rum Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers $5 Sailor Jerry Pitchers

SAT. 11/3

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles $2 22oz Miller Lt., Coors Lt., and Hamms

FRI. 11/2

Possessed on Daniel St. Bacardi Halloween Party! $1,000 Cash Grand Prize for Best Costume! Other Contests: Best Homemade, Best Couple, Mummy Wrap $2 Bacardi Drinks – Zombie’s, Bat Bites & More | $2 Bloodweiser Bottles

SATURDAY: CLUB 211 FREE GLOWSTICKS BLACKLIGHTS Bacardi Frat Potion Night!

THURS. 11/1

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

SUNDAY: Trivia Night! $4 Well Doubles FREE FRIES! $1.50 Dekuyper Burst Shots $6 Bud, Bud Lt., Miller Lite, & Coor’s Light Pitchers

WED. 10/31

MONDAY: "Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $ 3.25 All Imports

SPECIAL NIGHT

SATURDAY: IL at OSU Game Watch 2:30pm – 6 pm Win a $1200 Bud Tailgate Package! Win a Bulls Trip (Tix + Ride) for 11/6 $2.50 ILLINI Bud Lt Cans $4 Absolut & Jameson Drinks $4 Blue Guys, Bud Girls & Giveaways

Meme Glass Night! Challenge Accepted!

Collect Them All!

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

DJ DASH Spins the Night $3 Captain Morgan & Cuervo Drinks $5 Hamm’s Pitchers $2 16oz Coors Lt & Lite Bottle Cans $2 Fireball & Doctor Shots $2 22oz Lite & Coors Lt Drafts

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

IL at OSU Game Watch 2:30pm – 6 pm Win a $1200 Bud Tailgate Package! Win a Bulls Trip (Tix + Ride) for 11/6 $2.50 ILLINI Bud Lt Cans $4 Absolut & Jameson Drinks $4 Blue Guys, Bud Girls & Giveaways

$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Funday Sunday Industry Night! $2.00 Anything in the House U get It All Here!

$2.50 Coronas $3 Any Draft

Trivia Night! $4 Well Doubles FREE FRIES! $1.50 Dekuyper Burst Shots $6 Bud, Bud Lt., Miller Lite, & Coor’s Light Pitchers

$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Monday Nite Turn – A –Bout Guys Bartend – Girls Bounce BIG ASS DRINKS $2 32oz Drafts & Double Soco Drinks $4 Double Jack & Blue Guys Southern Comfort Girls

"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $ 3.25 All Imports

Karaoke Night! $4 Long Islands $5.50 MEGA Ch. Burger w/ FF $4 Well Doubles $1.50 Dekuyper Shots

$1 U CALL IT $2 Captain Morgan $2 Red Bull Vodka $4 Bud Light Lime-A-Rita Pitchers

MON. 11/5

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

Country Nite Drinkin in Ur Mason Jar! $1.50 Lite & Coors Lt. Drafts $2.00 Jim Beam & Red Stag $3.00 Blue Guys, $2.00 Sauza Party w/ the Pinnacle Vodka Girls!

Ride the Rail $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms Drafts $3 All Other Drafts

MARTINI NIGHT! $2.25 Wild Turkey or Jim Beam Singles, $4.50 Pinnacle Doubles $2 Old Style, PBR, and Schlitz Tall Boys $2.25 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

$3 Double Wells $3 Jim Beam $3 Tullamore Dew $3 Sweet Revenge

TUES. 11/6

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Bud Girls Every Wednesday Night $2.00 Bud Lt Platinum Bottles $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. Bottles Bud Girls & Giveaways $2.50 Bacardi Drinks/ $3.00 Bombs

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles $2 22oz Miller Lt., Coors Lt., and Hamms

LOGO GLASS DAY! $4 Pints and $2 Refills

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 Malibu Rum Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers $5 Sailor Jerry Pitchers

WED. 11/7


I

Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my

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theblacksheeponline.com

bartenders of the week Bartender nickname: Hooters

Bartender nickname: Blackout Barbie

Favorite drink: Tequila sunrise

Favorite Drink: Ketel One and pineapple juice… love.

Sexual fantasy: I have always wanted to be in the mile high club.

Major: Communication

Biggest secret crush: Drew Jones

Secret obsession: Big hair, but it’s not really a secret.

Favorite TV show: How I Met Your Mother

Cartoon character you want to bone: 3-some with the Mario Bros. I hear they can lay some pipe.

Dream super power: Flying

andrea m. joe's brewery

If you could trade places with anyone for the day who would it be? Kim Kardashian. She’s worth millions for doing nothing.

Sexual fantasy: Ryan Reynolds anywhere, anytime.

Celebrity you want to film a porno with: Mitt Romney

Biggest turn-off: Bad teeth and bad pick up lines.

Best pick up line: “Do you like sleeping? We should do it together sometime.”

Creepiest thing someone has said to you when you were bartending: An old man asking, “Why did the pervert cross the road…” Awkward.

Biggest turn-on: People who work at Joe’s. Biggest turn-off: Guys who don’t man-scape.

the drinking game

Social Media Shots Face it: You’re always checking your Twitter feed or Facebook Timeline anyway. Why not make a game out of it? Instead of looking like a jerk when you’re out at a party staring at your phone and tweeting, you can turn it in to a group thing the whole gang can enjoy. What You’ll Need: A Facebook or Twitter account, shot glasses, beer, and hard alcohol. Number of Players: You have like 1,000 “real” Facebook friends, right? Level of Intoxication: Enough to willingly send some nudie pics later on. How to Play: - Take out your laptop or iPhone, log in to Twitter or Facebook, and drink as follows: - Take a shot of beer every time you see: - A sob story status or tweet. - A “Happy birthday!” post. - Someone quoting a song. Take 2 if it’s Taylor Swift. - A “lyke dis if u love jesus/if u hate cancer/if u think this girl’s hot” post. - Completely uninformed political arguments. - Take a shot of hard alcohol every time you see: - A picture of a girl naked/in her underwear/in a bikini. - A mirror shot of a guy showing off his muscles. - Someone announcing they’re getting engaged or having a baby. - Someone using a hashtag incorrectly. - An invite for an “I lost all my phone numbers!” event. - Give a shot of hard alcohol every time you see: - Someone’s relative calling them out on an inappropriate status/picture/tweet. - Someone acting as the “grammar police” in response to a status or tweet. - Someone has favorited or retweeted your tweet or liked your status or picture. - Someone has invited you to join them in Farmville or some annoying Facebook app. - An Instagram link to a picture of food or pretty leaves. The Game Ends When: Everyone feels awful about their social lives or body image.

download our app for all of our drinking games!

Biggest turn-on: Blue eyes… I’m a sucker for them.

tori s. white horse inn

Biggest fear: Getting buried alive.

Recipe for Disaster

Cavity Bark As soon as Halloween ends, all of the mounds of candy left over in grocery stores goes on sale. After an extreme binge session, you’ll most likely have become extremely bored of the redundant, Juicy-Fruit-caramely-nutty candy pieces. Fear not, because this bark of candy is guaranteed to liven up your candy-eating habits. What You’ll Need: Excess Halloween candy, 1/2 pound of white chocolate, and mini pretzels. Cook Time: 1 hour Fatty Factor: You’ll finally fill in that chubby pumpkin costume you bought a few weeks ago. Let’s Get Baked: - Line an 8-inch square baking pan with parchment. - Heat your chocolate up in the microwave and stir until smooth. Make sure to do it in 15-second intervals so it doesn’t burn. - Spread the chocolate along your pan. - Here comes the fun part: Take any excess candy you have and pile it onto your melted chocolate. We’re talking candy corn, Twix, everything you got! - Stick your pan in the freezer until it’s hardened. This should take about one hour. - Remove the bark from the pan and break into little pieces. - Now stuff your damn face. There are really no restrictions on this one. Except maybe leave out those nasty fruit snacks the teachers next door gave you and the pennies from the old geezer down the block. Shit’s nasty.

Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com


page 17

the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

the booze review Booze Review: Spicebox Canadian Spiced Whisky | grade: a Overview: Named after the work of prohibition rebels who just didn’t want to give up the drink, Spicebox Whisky runs surprisingly smooth and is capable of turning your average whisky Coke to a top-shelf delicacy. History: At the beginning of prohibition, Canadian whisky companies were struggling due to the loss of their major American market of raging alcoholics. It was common practice for the companies to smuggle their beverages into the States by sending them out in wooden barrels marked as “spices” to slip past the eyes of the dickhead-inspectors at the docks. This worked well until the new guy on the job happened to knock over one of the barrels, which led to the crashing and spilling of the bottles all over the floor. The man slowly began to fall into a deep, sober depression. But out of this sadness grew a solution. The man knew he had to leave the country, first of all, and cross the Canadian border to the world of alcohol trade and goofy accents. Once he arrived he bought a small shack near the country line to start his own home distillery. After years of planning, reformulating, and drinking away most of his potential profit, the man finally concocted the perfect Canadian spirit, with a beautiful combination of nutmeg, cinnamon, and vanilla. He named it Spicebox after his embarrassing, yet exhilarating mistake so many years ago. For a brief time, the man returned home to America and enlisted the help of Harriet Tubman. Both of them snuck back to his Canadian home and began the process

of creating version 2.0 of the Underground Railroad. Tubman’s frail bones weren’t much help in the final months, and the man was left to finish the task into the 1920s. When he reached the end of the tunnel in America, he emerged from the ground triumphantly, ready to shout of the great treasures he’d be bringing. He looked around and noticed all of the pubs were filled once more, full of people drinking merrily. Prohibition had ended. The men yelled, “Screw it!” and returned home to ship out his bottles in the normal fashion. Typical Drinkers: Beaver hunters, national park rangers, classy elderly men who are sick of scotch and water, Canadian interns, present-day flappers, and the descendants of Harriet Tubman. User Comments: “This is some good shit, eh?” “Did you hear campus is trying to ban alcohol too? This isn’t the 1900s!” “Ew, gross! This is from Canada? I can’t drink this.” “This stuff makes me feel like an old man.” Conclusion: The company’s website boasts to “try it naked,” which is in no way ill-advised. This whisky is more inviting than a clean porn star’s spread legs. It does cost a little bit more than your average college student wants to pay, but just wait until you have a full-time job!

Best Mixer: coke | Worst Mixer: Fancy French Cîroc


page 18

theblacksheeponline.com

From the Streets

Big Bird Tells All

Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com

mad max wrote this

A lone figure sits atop a dilapidated brick apartment building. None of the buildings reach more than five stories, but it’s secluded enough for the very clandestine interview that is about to take place. There are a bunch of beer cans and condoms lying around, though, so the interview is slightly rushed in case the local teenagers return.

Trick or treat… and why? “Treat, because I like sex and I like to party… And I broke my butthole.” - Andrew, Junior

“I used to see so much promise here. Now it’s just all shit,” says the yellow-feathered foam puppet in front of The Black Sheep correspondent, staring out at the carnage below. “The TV show paints it as such a magical place, but it’s a miserable slum that won’t die thanks to the government’s continual subsidizing of the Public Broadcast System.” A Romney/Ryan pin sticks to one of the polyester feathers of Big Bird. He touches it with his fingers while saying, “I’d have worn a vest if those penny-crunching bastards at PBS would issue me any clothes. The paycheck they give us is hardly enough to support my alcohol addiction, let alone food and rent.” When informed that the Public Broadcast System is non-commercialized and thus relies on fundraisers and government sponsorships to broadcast its informational messages, he snorts and dismisses the idea. “This place simply needs to go,” he chirps while lighting up an electronic cigarette. Since the majority of the population on Sesame Street is made of polyester and foam, lighters are kind of taboo here. The Big Yellow Bird was the whistle blower to Mitt Romney, informing him on the wasteful spending devoted to sustaining the lives of the minority Muppet population of the United States. “Then that two-timin’ punk had to throw me under the bus with the rest of these psychopaths. Seriously, who the hell keeps dropping off their kids here? I’m technically a dinosaur if you Google it, and in no way am I a suitable babysitter. Then there is that monster that continually jumps out from trashcans and yells at everyone that passes by. These kids are very aware of him but don’t seem to want to avoid him at all. And everyone seems to forget about the day-walking vampire strolling around. The kids file out of their parents’ cars, and this creep is out there counting each one, like he’s waiting to pounce. This place just needs to be leveled, along with the rest of the forty-seven percent of the United States that’s overly reliant on government subsidies.” It’s definitely a bold opinion. When informed that cutting funding to the only Public Broadcast System would mean that all media would be commercialized, he didn’t seem to care. “I’m still voting for Romney. He may be a white-collar pansy, but he’s better than the foam that prances around these streets. It’s not like I can walk into the Obama office with my

tail between my legs either. That extremely petty advertisement his media people came out with makes me look worse than Bernie Madoff for crying out loud.” It’s a good day for the United States of America when the two men vying to either remain or become the leader of the free world can take a break from their message in order to kick dirt in Big Bird’s beak. It’s not as if the United States is facing an environmental catastrophe, an economic downturn rivaling the depression, or a global war that doesn’t seem to have an end in sight. But let’s focus on making sure commercialized mediums aren't the only ones that get to broadcast information. But why would a Muppet want to leave Sesame Street? It would destroy all the memories and friends here. Big Bird flaps his poor excuse for wings as he responds. “No friends to hold onto and no memories worth saving if you ask me. I’m headed to Wall Street after this. The only equalizer for man and puppet is capitalism. I’m going to make so much dough on Wall Street that Olivia Munn will come crawling right back to me.” Big Bird would not go into any more details of his controversial affair with Newsroom star Olivia Munn. At the mention of her name though, some horny teenagers returned to the abandoned site of our interview, and The Black Sheep correspondent got out while he still could.

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The College Life of Past Presidents Andrew Jackson The ImpetuousAsshole Every once in a while you run into the kid who’s always looking for a fight. For some reason, just boozin’ and ogling girls all night doesn’t cut it for these guys – they need to establish themselves as the manliest man in the bar. Say something even remotely offensive, like “This food is too hot,” or “Hey, where’d your girlfriend go?” and they perk up a testosterone-riddled brain boner. Though our seventh president didn’t go to college, his friends probably hated hanging out with him. Reportedly, Jackson was involved in over 100 duels. And these duels weren’t over human rights or other matters of importance, most were about the honor of his wife, Rachel. Jackson lived with a bullet in his chest from an 1806 duel, and another bullet in his arm from a barroom fight in 1813 with Missouri senator Thomas Hart Benton. Where most guys will eventually cool down and walk away from a fight, Andrew Jackson said, “No, lets take it outside. With guns.”

calvin coolidge The Couch Potato Throughout college you’ll run the gamut of shitty roommates. From the kid who’s always “studying,” to the one who loudly bangs his overweight girlfriend, one of the most prevalent roommate-characteristics is the lazy asshole who never leaves his room. Whether he developed these habits at Amherst College or not is beside the point, because Calvin Coolidge carried them into the White House. Coolidge often slept 10 hours a day, and after waking up he enjoyed the morning ritual of having his head massaged with Vaseline while he ate breakfast in bed. Here the other White House-dwellers do their part in taking care of dishes and not sleeping through the morning – but Ole Calvin sits in bed eating until noon, getting Vaseline everywhere. You suspect the strange smell emanating from his room is beginning to take over the entire house. How he manages to get his work done is inconceivable, so maybe there is something to say about a good head massagin’ every morning.

Not all of the Presidents of the United States attended college, but most of them sure as hell acted like they did. We tracked down the best of the worst—the stereotypes. From fatty to fratty, below are six college stereotypes embraced by presidents long dead. By: Quinn and Brendan

Lyndon B. Johnson The Savvy Sex Machine Everyone comes to college with dreams of a multitude of sex partners dancing through their little brains. Then reality sets in, and you end up occasionally having sex with one girl, then get married, then die. But then there is your buddy, who you regard as a dbag but like hanging out with anyway. Perhaps you’re just jealous that, despite not being great-looking and lacking personality, this asshole manages to bring home different girls on the reg. LBJ, or should we say “El BJ,” was just that bro. He wasn’t in the White House long before installing a buzzer in the Oval Office so the Secret Service could warn him when his wife was coming. Your buddy might have a name for the girls he always brings home because he can’t be bothered to remember their names, be it “Asian Kelly,” or “Dance Floor Jenny.” LBJ couldn’t even go that far, and just called his small army of blowjobbers his “harem.”

gerald ford The Dumb Jock

Normal students often look on student-athletes with a haughty mixture of awe and disdain. On one hand, we love it when Jack Touchdown snags a pass to win a game in triple overtime. On the other, the idea that these guys get a free ride regardless of their academic acumen never quite exits the occipital lobe. With that in mind, one doesn’t expect star athletes to amount to much post-college. If the student-athlete is lucky, he’ll end up as the president of a regional fast food franchise; worse, he’ll end up president of his quickly-dwindling fan club. Then Gerald Ford comes along and shits all over your expectations. At the University of Michigan Ford starred as the football team’s starting center and starting linebacker—like your mom, he goes both ways. And in the days before helmets were worn on the field, he never suffered from pussy diseases like “brain damage” or “an early death.” The dude actually wound up as President of the United States after Nixon was forced to resign following the Watergate scandal. The dude totally smashed Keystone Light and pussy with the same vigor he did the SALT treaty. High five, bro!

William Howard Taft The Jolly Fat Guy His shirt may say “I beat anorexia” or “there’s more of me to love,” but we know behind closed doors this guy shovels ice cream cake into his mouth as he cries himself into a sleep apneainduced coma. William Howard Taft—prior to being eaten by a pack of wolves—was that fatass. Known as “Big Lub” during his time at Yale, he would go on to assume the 27th Presidency of the United States, where the comedic stylings of a fat suit movie continued. Taft was known for his insatiable appetite, and the gassiness that came with it. Furthermore, Fatty Fat Fat Taft famously got stuck in a White House bath tub on account of his fatness. Taft’s presidency lasted only one term which, in light of it resembling a bad Kevin James movie, is a good thing. And if his surely-marbled flesh is any indication, those wolves certainly found him delicious.

John Adams The Degenerate Wake up? Drink. Pass out? Drink. Go to class? Drink. Throw up? Drink. Some of us exist to go on and do great things, others exist as a living, breathing warning sign that things can go awry in a hurry if we don’t get our shit together. Well, unless that drunk turns out to be the second President of the United States. John “The Lush” Adams had a drinking problem, and that problem, most naturally, was his lack of drink. Famously he wrote a letter to his wife stating: “I would give three guineas for a barrel of your cider… I would give a guinea for a barrel of your beer. A small beer here is wretchedly bad. In short, I am getting nothing that I can drink, and I believe I shall be sick from this cause alone.” So yeah, hello spring break drunk dial voicemail. “Girl, I’m hammered but I jus wanna kish your mouth an have yew feed me my boozies an I jus threw up but I’ma be aiirigh---I’m gonna go sleep now, love you. Ya boo, Johnny A.”


the interview

Professional Bowler Michael Fagan

Michael Fagan is the PBA’s #3 ranked bowler. He’s a 4-time PBA Champion with one major under his belt. He’s traveled the world to bowl, and he also has a nickname: “The King of Swing.” Well, now he can check off another item off the ole’ wish list: an interview with The Black Sheep. We caught up with Mike because we were curious, what’s the life of a professional bowler like? Well, let’s find out. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: How did you get interested in bowling? Michael Fagan: I started playing when I was six years old. My grandfather and mother were always bowling, so it was something I did as a kid. I looked forward to hanging out in bowling alleys on Saturday afternoon. As I got a little older I started going to tournaments every single weekend. I made a little money doing it in college, doing amateur tournaments. Trying it professionally was something I really wanted to do after college, so I joined the PBA. I had some moderate success, I paid my dues, and it’s starting to come to fruition right now. TBS: Where did you go to school? What did you study? Michael: I went to St. John’s in Queens, and I studied finance. TBS: How does one make inroads to becoming a professional bowler? Michael: In recent years they’ve definitely opened up the doors. There used to be a qualifying process, but these days if you think you’re good enough and you want to give it a shot, you pay your membership fees and you get your entries in. TBS: How did you make the jump from as you say, “moderate success,” to being one of the best bowlers in the world? Michael: Well, if you look at the first TV show I made back in 2003, I don’t throw the ball like that anymore. Back in college I was a little more irrational, more aggressive with my style—I’ve learned to tone that down a little bit, and I’ve figured out how to balance power and finesse. I’ve also learned to play the lanes differently, and that’s helped too. TBS: What’s your daily routine like? Michael: We have some tournaments coming up, so I’ve been practicing almost every single day. I’ll get up, have breakfast, hit the gym for an hour or so, check some emails, eat lunch with my fiancé, and practice for a couple of hours. Obviously in my profession you have to stay on top of the equipment, so I spend a lot of time in the pro shop trying out new balls and things like that. TBS: When you practice, how do you practice? Michael: For me it’s about working on my technique. Working on timing and releases. It’s situational things like how to play it straighter on the lanes, or if I have to hook it more, how to do that. TBS: Do you play your lane or your opponent? Michael: At the end of the day, you’re playing the lane. But, when it comes down to a match play situation, you have to pay attention to how your opponent is playing a lane, because each one of their shots can change the oil pattern. Someone with a high revolution rate, the oil pattern will change that much faster. At the end of the day, you’re bowing the pins. TBS: How much different is a competition lane from just an average lane in an average bowling alley? Michael: It’s a tough subject, honestly. When I was growing up oil was put on the lane to protect the lane. Now it’s used to alter the scoring environment with patterns. With technology and trial and error, there’s ways to oil the lane that will make the scores gigantic. There’s ways to pattern the oil where you’ll throw it towards a gutter, it’ll hit the dry boards and come back, or you’ll roll it down the middle and the ball will hold its line. We don’t bowl on those types of conditions. If you’re a decent bowler and you go to a random lane you can bowl 220 or 230 with those patterns, but we don’t play anything like that. The conditions we play on are comparatively much more difficult. It’s a tough thing, most people out there may not respect the pros because the scores on the tour may be lower than the scores in your everyday league. Bowling lanes are a business. They want people to strike, so they make the lanes easier to do that. TBS: Do you have a career highlight? Michael: Things have been going really well this past year and a half. Winning the USBC Masters this past January was my career achievement. It’s one of those events where I’ve never had a lot of success, but this year I changed my strategy. Like I was saying, in years past I’d play my opponent and their strategy, this year I just played the lane. TBS: Is there any country that’s crazy for bowling, and the layperson wouldn’t assume that to be the case? Michael: There’s actually several countries that are great in bowling, and it’s kind of a shame that bowling is not part of the Olympics yet—we have the participation and the skill level around the world. The Bowling World Cup sends one representative from each country to compete. 88 to 90 countries participate in it. Some fo the best countries out there are England, Finland, Sweden, South Korea, Malaysia, Singapore. The United States is still the best bowling country in the world, but the gap is narrowing. TBS: Is pop culture accurate? Is the 7-10 split the hardest shot? Michael: I would say I’ve made that more than I’ve made the 4-6. It’s a lot harder to slide the pin over or bounce it out, and I think I’ve only made the 4-6 once in my whole life, whereas I’ve made the 7-10 about 10 times or so. Read more about Michael at his website, faganbowling.com.

the big three

entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.

The details in theaters november 2

Jeff and Nealy (Tobey Maguire and Elizabeth Banks) have been married for ten years and are living an ideal suburban life complete with the rocky relationship and infidelity. Just when things start getting really messy, a family of raccoons ransack their backyard and, before they know it, ruin a whole lot more than just their perfectly-manicured begonias.

flight in theaters november 2

Denzel Washington plays a badass pilot who miraculously crashlands a plane to save everyone on board. Homeboy becomes a hero, but naturally there's a catch - apparently, he had booze in his system during the time of the accident. Seems like an insignificant detail considering the circumstances, but what do we know?

100 Greatest Songs of the 90s Saturday, November 3 from 4pm - 9pm on VH1

If five straight hours of 90s hit songs sound like a great way to start your Saturday night, then this is what you'll need to be watching. So take a drink when P.Diddy is still called Puff Daddy. Take a drink when you know every word to a song. Take a drink when Britney was still hot. Take a drink for the beauty that is the 90s!


l a i t n e d i s e h s pr a face m

Eisenh

The man you see below has spend over 38 years in the White House. What, he's unrecognizable to you? Well maybe you need to hit up a high school history class, or maybe it's just because we took various presidential facial features and slapped them together. Yeah, that's it. Well, can you identify which presidential facial feature belongs to each commander in chief? Your choices are listed below the picture. If you can correctly identify the head, hair, ears, eyes, nose, mouth and moustache of each big boy, email Face@theblacksheeponline.com to claim your prize.

ower, Nixon, Obama, Kennedy Clinton, Bush Jr., Taft


the classtime Good evening, my fellow Americans. This is your new president speaking, and I know that my election win comes as a shock to most of you. Rest assure that even though I only have the brains of a ___1___- cast member, this country is going to get hella better. Here is why: • First things first, ___2___ will become legalized. Not just medicinally but, you know, for ___3___ shows and marathons of ___4____. And those nasty hangovers, my God. • Universal healthcare? Why not! If you broke your ___5___ while partaking in ___6___ fun with your favorite booty call, fear no more! There’s no longer reason to worry about ___7___ or knocking up your ___8___ anymore, because condoms and birth control will be free for all! Especially for ___9____ and ___10___, for obvious reasons. • Because it’s 2012 and not 1812, women will

madlib: presidential speech

have equal rights! Novel concept, huh? So if you had one too many ___11___’s at ___12___ and ended up grinding with ___13___ to ___14___ all night long, and he swooned you with ___15___ and then you ended up on their ___16___ and… you know… well, you can get that taken care of now. Because it’s your body that little monster will be brewin’ in, so it only makes sense. • The troops will be coming home in time for Thanksgiving! So get excited for maxing out on ___17___ and ___18___ football and ___19___, because this is America! Additionally, for the holidays all who have served in the past two decades will receive complimentary bottles of ___20___, ample ___21___ and ___22___ strippers, because, again, this is America!!! My fellow Americans, I hope that you are satisfied with your choice of president. The next four years are going to be bomb as hell, I swear.

1) Reality Show 2) drug 3) rapper 4) TV show 5) body part 6) sex position 7) STD 8) slang for “girl” 9) ugly celebrity 10) slutty celebrity 11) cocktail 12) Local shitty bar 13) ex-boyfriend/girlfriend 14) catchy pop song 15) drunk food 16) piece of furniture 17) thanksgiving side dish 18) NFL team 19) shitty beer 20) quality tequila 21) stimulant 22) hair color

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Illinois Fall Issue 11 - 10/31/12