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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 3, Issue 2 9/6/12 - 9/19/12

theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_isu

family? what family?

Isaac Dreidelschleitze wrote this

"Guys! Holy shit! My parents are gonna be here any minute! We gotta clean up the place. Get those kegs out of the shower! What is my bong doing in the refrigerator? Condom balloon man's gotta go! Man, what else am I forgetting?" As you hopefully know, Family Weekend is rapidly approaching. When your parents come check out your apartment/dorm room, they definitely don’t want to see how you REALLY live, and you probably want the same thing. It's a good thing you picked up this paper, 'cause The Black Sheep is about to tell you how to quickly decollege-ify your place. Do you really want your mom sitting on the sheets you claimed five virginities in? Don’t think you want that image. Or maybe you do. We’re not going to mess with that. The first step is making sure all your contraband is out of sight. Stash your... uh... stash deep in your closet or at your buddy's place. You don’t want your dad finding your piece and going, “Ohh boy, this takes me back,” followed by an angry look from your mom and a long discussion of how those were “totally different times.” Also, if you're one of those guys with a beer can castle, that thing's got to go. Hate to break it to you, but that doesn’t impress anybody. “DUDE! WELCOME TO MY HOME! Check out how many beers I’ve had in my entire life! Isn’t this awesome?” Nope. Just throw them out. Second, you want to make sure the atmosphere is just right. Classical music playing, a fire going in the fireplace - the whole experience. If you're lacking a fireplace, you can set your clothes hamper on fire in a pinch. You want your parents to think that you're the classiest kid on campus, so go ahead and top the whole thing off with a bathrobe and pipe. Bitches love guys with a bathrobe and a pipe. Bitches, in this case, being your mom. Introduce your roommates to your family as if they’re professional colleagues. “This is my co-apartment-dweller Jameothy. He's studying theoretical metaphysics and he's definitely not shrooming out - I mean, wait, NOT shrooming out. Oh, that's what I said? Good. 'Cause he's not.”

The Great Alcohol Conspiracy What you don't know could be costing you a great time.

page 3

Your siblings are probably going to tag along too, so show them a good time! Your little bro doesn’t want to just hang out at your place watching TV. It doesn't matter if he's five, it's your duty to take him to a real ISU Party. Purple house? The Island? The names sound like something out of Barney or The Teletubbies. He’ll love it! When you get to the party, you can totally use your little bro as your wingman. Trust us, chicks love guys with little bros. It makes it seem like we care. And if you get drunk, make sure to keep an eye on the little fella. You wouldn't want him wandering home with some girl before you got a picture first. Eventually the weekend is going to end, and your parents are raring to head home and cut you out of their

what’s inside

will. They’re the ones that got you where you are, so be sure to thank them, and pretend as hard as you can to be sad they're leaving. Don't forget to get your little bro a t-shirt that says ISU on it! Nothing says “cool” like walking in to kindergarten with an ISU shirt on. Once those kinder-cuties learn the alphabet, they'll be all over him. Wait for it… wait for it... aaaaand they're gone! Man, I thought they'd never leave. Dad sure was acting weird though. He and mom were holding hands a lot considering they're, ya know, divorced. And that whole “please stop following us, we're not your parents” thing wasn't even that funny. Typical Dad and his lousy jokes!

Beware of the Cha-HaHah Brah!

The Top Ten: ISU Time Savers

Once you've seen it, it's already too late.

Because idle hands can hold more drinks.

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page 4


page two word of the week

Pic

of the

Week!

Blognosis: Any self-categorized illness one gives him or herself after researching symptoms of diseases on the internet.

“Toby gave himself a spinal meningitis blognosis after researching neck pain on WebMD.”

Meet The Staff

campus manager Kevin Setze

photographer Tim Mackey

owner Atish Doshi

Editorial manager Kevin Setze

distribution manager Jason Snyder

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Founders Bryan Podell, Kurt Tribble, Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers

Advertising Managers Anthony Giammaria Adam Fernandez

pr/Marketing TEAM Nicole Nesbitt, Zach Devore Jessica Findley, Dori Jones Amanda Steelman Isabella Yates

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Writers Mike Atkins , Jeremy Ber Bryan Podell, Joe Ruskey Tim Mackey, Kevin Setze

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page 3

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The Great Alcohol Conspiracy scoop chang wrote this You might think you’re the baron of booze, an alcohol aficionado, or the boss of all sauce. However, as a college kid, there are things that you just don't know about the devil’s juice. What “THE MAN” doesn’t want you to know about boozahol is that, although it seems like a good way to get a party going—much like the Macarena or a swarm of bees—it’s actually a sophisticated wonder-drink that science has proven makes life easier to live. The sad truth is, the government has been hard at work to keep you off the stuff, to make you easier to control. Here’s some myths and truths about the reality of hooch. Beer Tastes Terrible: Actually, you’re right. Beer does taste terrible. What you don’t know is that it’s not supposed to. Beer is actually the tastiest substance known to man, even better than barbequed panda ribs. Teams of magicians and wizards change the formula of beer so that no one likes the taste and thus, children are less inclined to drink it. In the olden days back, when men were men and giraffes were ridden like horses, children would guzzle down beer like a white guy drinking purple Kool-Aid. As a result, the government’s finest magic folk stepped in to make this beverage taste like dick. You know all your friends who love beer? Turns out they really are full of shit. Lots of strange ingredients are added to make the nectar of the gods taste like beaver feces. For example, beaver feces. Top magicians say these additives give the beer a “urine” flavor that curdles the blood and brings a tear to the eye. Frat Boys Love to Get Drunk: False! It’s all a clever ruse to keep college kids from enjoying the wonders of alcohol. In lieu of anti-drinking propaganda or helping ignorant parents

teach their brainless offspring about the dangers of drinking, the gurrment has enlisted groups of men to throw wild, raucous parties to help make drinking a wholly unappealing experience. The result is a group of graduates who look back on their boozing days and think of drinking as an immature thing they used to do. I interviewed Bob “Broski” Kazowski, who is employed full-time as a frat boy, to get a better understanding. He said, “Us bros have known about the dangers of drinking the silly juice for years. We hide under the guise of wanting to party, but it is our duty as bros to get freshmen super drunk. We call them pussies and bitches in the hopes that they’ll drink just a bit more and wake up so sick that they never drink again. We’re really kind-hearted and gentle folks who are just doing a service for our community.” The Shits: The worst of all of the drinking myths we’re expected to believe is the symptomatic “day after diarrhea.” But has the science ever been explained to you? No. It’s less complicated than government wizards would have you believe. The government adds laxatives to every alcoholic beverage on the market whether it’s high class 17 year old Jameson or cheap-ass Natty Light. In their minds this was the big one, the end game, the thing that was going to make people stop drinking after prohibition failed in 1933. But people didn’t seem to care, no one talked about it for the longest time and “the shits” became an American tradition. Blacking Out is Real: Every person who has ever told you they were blacked out when they made out with your mom,

punched your dog, or projectile vomited in your face was actually lying. Sure, sometimes alcohol can help loosen your inhibitions but you can’t actually pass out and still be awake! Come on, that doesn't even make sense! Some people are just sociopaths who like to screw things up every once in a while and use “blacking out” as their get out of jail free card. Well, kids, now you know the ugly truth about the world. Be careful out there and use your knowledge for good! If there's one thing we hope this article has taught you, it's this: whenever life screws you over, just get pissed and blame the government. It’s your right as an American!

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The Top ten

page 4

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A Hipster’s Guide to Getting Fit

ISU Time-Savers 10) Quit Emailing Your Professors: Before you waste any more time asking your professors for help, an extension, or whatever else you need, try this handy timesaver. Grab a piece of paper, write “no” on it, and pocket it. Whenever you're about to ask for help, take it out and read it aloud. Easy!

Portland McVinyl wrote this Story time! When I was a wee little freshman at Illinois State, I didn’t realize how fat I would get. I mean, usually I don’t like to give in to trends, but I ate a little bit too much, and I ended up with the freshman fifteen. I was a fatso! This year, I resolved to really lose weight and squeeze into jeans and a flannel like I know I could. This is the chronicling of my weight loss journey. August 20th, 2012: The First Step I obviously couldn’t go into the new Campus Rec. All the normies work out there, and I just don’t want to be seen with that crowd. Instead, I went to the old rec center on Willow Street. It was locked up, but luckily I had my trusty metal gauge. I pulled it out of my ear and hurled it at the glass. With a crash, the glass shattered and I carefully unlocked the door. After stepping inside, I noticed that there were no exercise machines, no people, nothing. It was PERFECT! I mean, think of all the activities I could do here! I went out and bought some new workout clothes (rainbow suspenders and tight jeans) and was ready to start! But first… a trip to Starbucks. August 21st, 2012: First Day of the New Me 11:00 A.M. In case you guys couldn't tell, I’m typing this on a vintage stenograph I found at an estate sale. It’s really chic. Anyway, today's the day! I’ve got a bunch of retro workout equipment like my grandma’s Stairmaster and one of those belt things that wrap around your waist and vibrates. I brought it all over to Willow in my Smart Car. I pushed it to save the planet even harder. You can’t be too careful, you know. 1:00 P.M. Once everything was in place, my heart dropped. I forgot my vinyl record collection! Time to hit up the record store and buy them all over again. Support small businesses, woooo! Plus they

usually have awesome bands that no one has ever heard of (except for me, of course). I drove over to North Street Records and started perusing the aisles. Hmm…punk, metal, R&B, oh here we go! Indie! The blandest name for a genre of all time! This is the stuff I love. I picked out a few pristine records and headed back to my workout station. This was gonna be the best. 5:00 P.M. I’m just going to stay in my car for a few minutes… there’s a good story on NPR that I wanna hear. They’re talking about how Malaysian women are much better singers than American women. Heh, they are so right. It's like, so obvious. Okay, better go work out, seriously this time. No more messin' ar - what the hell? Where’s my workout equipment? It was just— August 22nd 2012: Uhhh…Oops. 1:00 A.M. So I guess ISU PD frowns upon people breaking into buildings, even if it's just to work out. I asked them, “What do you want me to do? Go to the new Campus Rec and work out with all those conformist zombies? Never! NEVEERRR!” I’m not really sure where I am right now, but it’s very dark and there’s a creepy guy in the cot across from me. Hey…where’d my Beach House vinyl go? That was an exclusive edition! You assholes! Man, I’m never going to get in shape… though maybe drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes is enough activity for me.

Beware of the Cha-Ha-Hah Brah! Mitch Vaginapun wrote this I've heard the warnings before: “Don’t walk by yourself at night,” “Don’t wear your sunglasses when it’s not dark out,” “Wear a condom, I’m not on birth control.” But of course I never listened. Warnings are for people who play life on bitch mode. But last night, I learned that there was a reason for their caution, a true horror that lives in the shadows: The Cha-Ha-Hah Brah. I'd heard about the bros on campus. Hell, I’d even seen a few up close, sacrificing my dignity, decency, and ending up smelling like a mix of weed and Axe to study them in their native environment. They're a rowdy bunch, prone to “raging,” “chugfests,” and “pumpin’ some iron, breh” But no amount of general douchebaggery could have prepared me for what I saw that terrible evening. At first, I wasn’t even sure it was the fabled Cha-Ha-Hah Brah. Sure, it smelled like what a 12 year-old boy thinks you have to smell like to get laid, and its blatant use of homophobic slurs and non-stop flexing tipped me off, but these were all common traits. Then I saw them. The Cha-Ha-Hah Brah’s infamous double-frat paddles. Only a douche of legendary proportion would dare to carry twice the paddles required to let the world know “Hey, maybe I screwed a sheep once." Its eyes met mine, and I turned and ran. Faster than I’ve ever ran before. It waited and gave me a head start, staring into a mirror and winking at itself before giving chase. I heard the clicking of longboard wheels as they glided over the sidewalk, leaving a trail of broken beer bottles and STD vapor behind it. Every building it passed had “YOLO” mysteriously appear on the wall in chalk, and each hat that adorned an innocent bystander had its bill flattened and its sticker replaced. It was unstoppable. I headed for the one place I knew it wouldn’t dare tread: the library. I tried to lose it in the trees of the Quad by asking ques-

9) Be Blunt With the Opposite Sex: Some people take FOREVER to pull the trigger and try to get a girl to come home with me. Spending all kinds of time talking about classes, clubs, each other's names, shit like that. Instead, just go up to someone and say “Hey, we doin' this?” This one is a particularly great time saver because you'll have plenty of alone time after the party too! 8) Get Dressed for the Last Time: Stop wasting time changing! Lots of students wear one set of clothes to class, another to go to the rec, another AFTER the rec, another for going out... all that time spent changing can take dozens of hours a day. Sell all the clothes you USED to wear and buy yourself a skin-tight antimicrobial unitard. It's the sexy future of laziness. 7) Don't Be a Bitch About Building Names: “Hey, we're meeting at the COB.” “DONTCHA MEAN THE SFHB?!” “Uh, sure, whatever. I'm at Schrowder so I'll be there soon.” “DONTCHA MEAN SCHRAYDER HUUUURR DUURRR” This kind of shit could make people jump off the Willis Tower. 6) Break it Off: Dating is great, but after a while you forget how time-consuming having a girlfriend or boyfriend can be. Just think of all the hours you spend with them a day, and how much free time you'd have to masturbate if you were single! 5) Break it Off: I can't even count the hours I've wasted being led around by my dick. Just grab a pair of bolt cutters and get it over with while you're young. You might be thinking it'd help to cut off your balls too, but don't. It takes balls to cut off your own dick. 4) X Marks the Spot: Pizza and calzones are the stuff of kings when you're drunk, but the waiting game is pure torture. Grab $500 worth of tasty dough and a shovel, hit up your favorite bars and party houses, and leave yourself some buried treasure. Don't worry, germs and bacteria can't survive underground. It's science – how would they breathe?

tions it would find paradoxical. “What’s better, boobs or asses?” It stumbled slightly, almost as if in thought. “What’s better, getting laid or getting high?” As I made my way onto the bridge it stepped off of its longboard. I thought I had won. Then I saw it, flying towards me through the air. The impact shattered my kneecaps and brought me to the ground. The last thing I remember is it towering over me, laughing as it said, “Cha-ha-ha, pussy for sure, brah. Pussy for sure.” When I woke up my whole body hurt. My skin had been dyed the color of a carrot dipped in shit, my arms adorned with tattoos of barbed wire and “this band will be cool forever” mistakes. My hair was permanently gelled, and even after 5 showers I still smell like “Anarchy.” WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN, AXE BODY SPRAY?! HOW CAN I SMELL LIKE A LACK OF GOVERNMENT?! Please, be careful when you travel at night, lest you end up like me: doomed to longboard across campus, mesh jersey blowing in the wind as the song “Party Rock Anthem” blares through the giant pair of Beats headphones resting around my neck. My pride and permaboner blinds me to the fact that everyone hates me… blinds me to the fact that even I hate me.

3) Be One With Nature: There's been a big push recently to get more use out of our natural resources, like wind, water, or in ISU's case, squirrels. Capture a few and teach them to clean, do your reading, and take notes for you. While you’re at it, train them to treat you as a god by sacrificing the fattest of their herd by fire – free meals! I mean, if you can't even train a small-brained squirrel, how are you ever going to make it as a teacher? 2) Have it Your Way: College Avenue is a one way? I thought this was America! Two is in our blood! Two party system, two World Wars won single-handedly, and most importantly, two-way roads. I've already seen a few people take matters into their own hands and rebel against the directional oppression. Good for you, heroes! 1) Drop All Of Your Classes: You won't believe how much free time you'll have when you stop doing the one thing you're here to do! As an added bonus, this also gets you thousands in spending money. Just call up The Black Sheep offices and for a nominal fee, our Photoshop pros will send you a degree with your name on it. The future is awesome!

sevin ketze wrote this


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The Black Sheep Guide to the Apocalypse:

Robot Uprising Edition

phil mccracken wrote this

Ever since the Mayans completed their calendar, the world has more or less accepted that humanity will not see 2013. Even the initially skeptical among us are now almost totally convinced as doomsday predictions come true left and right. Devastating natural disasters. Pestilence. War. A TV show starring the Stained One and her mentally handicapped friend. Even the most optimistic will wonder if we don’t deserve oblivion for allowing Snooki and JWoww to exist.

load the Internet with pictures of cake and anti-Semitic Youtube comments, the computers won’t know what to do. When they design the Terminator units to destroy us, we’ll be left with giant breasted Arnold Schwarzeneggers drinking gallons of milk and calling us “n00bs,” which is much more manageable.

Yes, the Apocalypse is upon us. All that is left to find out is how. There are millions of Apocalypse theories, ranging from global epidemics to zombie outbreaks to Mutated Killer Shark Bees. All of those are stupid and wrong. The world is going to end in a Robot Uprising a la Terminator.

THE BATTLE: Assuming our Pinterest Terminators aren’t an issue anymore, we still have a long battle ahead of us. Cars connected with OnStar technology will reenact the worst Stephen King novel. Satellites will take a vacation from benevolence and beam us only death. Your Kindle will download 50 Shades of Grey. Dealing with suicide bomber toasters and sweet military drones blowing your neighborhood into the next dimension will be discouraging. Even after we take batteries out of our phones and unplug the refrigerator, we still won’t feel that safe. But it’s important to fight on and not give into your cowardly urge to get to some place that doesn’t have technology, like Iowa - wherever the hell that is - and abstain from technology completely. Because robots now have the most important weapon we have, and Iowa is an acceptable atomic casualty. The safest place to be during the Uprising is right inside those military bases, hitting bloodthirsty Roombas with broom handles. Robots are very logical, and will not destroy themselves with our nukes. Once we’re safely in the base, we’ll enlist the hackers to play Tic Tac Toe with the military computers.

The bad news is robots famously have zero empathy for human life and will find the most efficient way to destroy humanity. The good news is that we can get through this. Together. PREPARATION: Now that you know how technology is plotting your demise, you can take steps to soften the blow. The entire world communicates through Internetting, making us vulnerable to our computers and anything else with a WiFi signal. It’s tempting to swear off the web if it’s just going to use everything it knows about you to kill you, but it’s too late for that now. They already know too much. But! If they’re collecting data on humans by quantity rather than quality, we may yet have a chance. Instead of Googling “How to make a homemade bomb,” look up “butt porn.” Instead of researching the CIA website’s security systems for your computer class, look at panda videos for hours. If we over-

THE AFTERMATH: The Robot Uprising will be a devastating blow to humanity, but only to the extent that losing everyone

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too stupid to not live in Iowa can be considered devastating. Communication will be limited to talking and carrier pigeon. We’ll be back to farming crap by hand and we’ll have to get used to the taste of radiation poisoning, but we’ll survive. The hardest part will probably be the crash of society. When the world is plunged into chaos, nothing will stop your neighbor from crowning himself King Emperor Overlord Dennis and demanding your shoes as a tax for living on his land. But periodic drone attacks should encourage villages to stick together and sacrifice Dennis to the Robot Gods. Oh, yeah. There are Robot Gods now, based on humanity’s innate superstition and the hope that appeasing bodacious murder bots with death will spare our own lives. The Robot End Times are coming, my friend. We have abused our technology for centuries and we’ve had this coming since we invented and encouraged the use of autotune. This reckoning is well deserved, but there’s hope yet for humanity if we act quickly. If we can stop Stained One, the SmooshSmoosh, the one the Old Ones named Snooki before she decides to make a music album, we can keep the Mayan prophesies from being fulfilled. Superibimus, bellum autpax!

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Patio Now Open! $3.50 24oz Cups $3.50 Liquor Special

Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)

SUNDAY

$1.75 Miller Lite Pints

Mad Monday! $3 All Import Bottles and Microbrew Bottles

$9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)

Patio Now Open! $3 Pitchers Coors Light and Miller Lite $3 Fireball Shots

$3 Smirnoff Vodka Drinks (Any Flavor)

MONDAY

$3.00 Pitchers of Hamms

Well To Do Tuesday $3 All WELL Vodka, Gin, Rum, Tequila, American Whiskey and Liquors

$2 You-Call-Its

Patio Now Open! $2 Domestic Longnecks $3 Imports, Micros, & Rail Calls

$3 Captain Morgan

TUESDAY

Karaoke Starting at 9pm $2.00 Well Drinks and Miller Lite Pints

Whiskey Wednesday $3 All CALL American, Irish, Scotch and Canadian Whiskey

$7 Premium Pitchers

Patio Now Open! $4 Bud Family Pitchers, Vodka Red Bull, & All Bombs

Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)

WEDNESDAY

SATURDAY: $3.50 24oz cup $3.50 Liquor Special


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theblacksheeponline.com

bartender of the week JOsh e. Maggie Miley’s If you could fight any supervillain who would it be?: Um… I shouldn’t say, it’s too political. Is it Mitt Romney?: Yeah… Mitt Romney… What’s your favorite animal?: Dog, he’s man’s best friend. Should we stop trying to save the pandas?: No, I think as humans we like to meddle in others’s affairs. It’s what we do! What’s your favorite drink?: Erdinger Oktoberfest! It tastes. Just. Like. Oktoberfest. What’s the craziest place you’ve ever hooked up?: Once at the gym. It was pretty awesome If you woke up next to an ugly girl without any recollection of how you got there what would you do?: Run for

the drinking game

Candyland So maybe we’re trying to hold onto our childhood, or maybe we just find pleasure in corrupting childhood games. Either way, this game is bitchin’. What You’ll Need: Candyland board game, alcohol of your choice, beer. Number of Players: 4 Level of Intoxication: You’ll be trying to get Princess Lolly and Queen Frostine to skinny dip in the Ice Cream Sea. How to Play: - Set up your Candyland board game and stack your shuffled cards together in a pile. - Set up four shot glasses and four cups of beer. - Players must choose a color that will remain theirs for the rest of the game. - First player must draw a card and move to the closest corresponding color. - If the color on the card matches the player’s color, they can move ahead to the closest square of that color. This player also chooses one other player to chug a beer, one second for each square the piece moves forward. - If the color on the card is not their color, they must move backward on the board to that color and chug beer for one second for each square the piece moves backward. - The player then sits on that color until they pull their color, taking a shot every turn they don’t. The Game Ends When: Someone reaches Candyland or someone gets Gloppy all over the board.

download our app for all of our drinking games!

the hills. Just as fast as I could. If anyone asked me? Deny, deny, deny Favorite style of fighting?: I like crane style, it’s graceful. What's your favorite love making music?: Barry White, sometimes I get lost in the music, but he reminds me that I’m supposed to be getting it on. If you could kill anyone in the world… Who would it be?: Aaron Rogers, quarterback for the Green Bay Packers. Fuck the Packers. Who’s your celebrity crush?: Malin Ackerman, she played Silver Spector in Watchmen and was the one chick from Harold and Kumar, Freakshow’s wife. She’s insanely hot. Weapon of choice?: Sharks with laser beams attached to their freaking heads!

Recipe for Disaster

S’mores Puppy Chow It’s hard getting away with eating dessert for breakfast, but lucky for you we’ve come up with an airtight recipe that will have you cramming sugar down your gullet on a daily basis. What You’ll Need: Fruity Pebbles, strawberries, cool whip, butter, plastic bag, 9 inch pie pan. Cook Time: 30 minutes. Fatty Factor: You’re basically eating a stick of butter, so take that for what it’s worth. Let’s Get Baked: - Fill a large plastic bag with Fruity Pebbles. Smash the bag until all the cereal is crushed to little pieces. - Combine ½ cup of butter with the cereal in a bowl and microwave until the butter is melted. - Stir until all the butter and cereal is one hot primordial soup. - Take your “pie crust” and lay it down on your buttered or non-stick pan. - Place in a 350 degree oven for about 10 minutes, take it out and let it sit for another 10 minutes. - Once cooled, fill the crust with cool whip. - Pop in some cut-up strawberries. - Dig in! You might think because it has the word “pie” in it that it must be a dessert. Well, it also has the word “cereal,” and therefore you can eat it for breakfast!

Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com


From the Streets

[PartyPics]

Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com

How did you try and relax during your first week of school? "Try to eat your favorite foods, it’s something to look forward to! And try to have a good time on the weekends." - Maggie C., Freshman

"Take things one day at a time, don’t let yourself get stressed out. Laugh a lot, I laugh like… all the time, constantly." - Paige L., Freshman

"Listen to music, I always like to rest and put on my favorite band. I mostly hung out with my new friends at school a lot." - Kim H., Freshman

send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)


6 Fall Films That Probably Won't Suck

Sadly, summer is over, spelling the end of the summer blockbuster. The Avengers, Amazing Spider-Man, The Dark Knight Rises - and other non-superhero films that people cared about all came out this summer. Sadly, there are no more huge hype machines screaming at us from every conceivable media outlet about what to go see. Gone are guaranteed action, adventure, and intrigue, now the threeminute trailers for movies coming out now may contain the only entertaining moments of the entire film. That doesn’t mean everything will be crap. Here we have a list of six flicks that look to be worth the time this coming autumn. By: Michael Mattucci

Dredd 3D - September 21

Frankenweenie - october 5

pitch perfect - october 5

Based on the 2000 AD comic-book character, Dredd is a member of a police force of the future called Judges who have the authority to act as judge, jury and executioner. They are the law. After the 1995 Sylvester Stallone catastrophe known as Judge Dredd, this movie should easily hurdle the low-set bar left by Mr. Sly’s goofy turn as a roided-out future Rambo. However, while it will undoubtedly be an improvement from its 90s counterpart, on its own merits it could still fail to impress. It's a simple story, and for it to work the direction and performances need to be on point, lest it turn out to be a Michael Bay-esque action orgy.

Tim Burton remakes his own 1984 short film, this time going for the stop-motion he's so famous for (even if he didn't actually direct The Nightmare Before Christmas). The main character, Victor, loves his dog so much that he finds a way to bring him back to life! Shenanigans ensue as he tries to keep his creation a secret from the rest of the neighborhood. And no, he doesn’t have sex with the dog, why would you even think that?

A musical comedy about a group of misfits who form an all-girl a capella group to compete against the boys? Clearly it's a Glee/ girl power! cash-in, but could the student surpass its master? Glee has always been a "you love it or you hate it" program, but many Gleeks are losing faith in the show. Pitch Perfect looks to plummet down the forgettable movie musical hole, joining the ranks of Hairspray and From Justin to Kelly. If it doesn’t, we’ll sing its greatness from the mountaintops, because who doesn’t need more ridiculous musicals full of singing teenagers? It’s just like real life, minus the social awkwardness and bacne!

By reworking one of his earliest concepts, Burton has the opportunity to get back into form with a dark but family-friendly comedy that also tugs at your heartstrings. Remember the emotional rollercoaster that was Dark Shadows? No? Well, neither do we. Oh well, at least he's not bringing his wife, Johnny Depp, and his mistress, Helena Bonham Carter down with him this time.

Paranormal Activity 4 october 19

The Man with the Iron Fists november 2

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 | november 16

The exact plot is being kept under wraps (probably because it’s the exact same plot as the other three films), but Katy and her nephew Hunter, both missing since the events of the first two films, are now living next door to an unsuspecting family. These movies certainly stick to what Edgar Allen Poe called a "singular effect.” But just as Saw through Saw XXVI proved, many consumers love being force-fed the same scare tactics. And while they do try and change the game a little with each installment, overall we can't imagine this film will change your tune if you disliked the first three. And if you disliked the first three, why do you keep coming back? PHONY!

This is a story of a village in nineteenth-century China banding together to fight off a larger threat. Don't come to the theater expecting any level of historical accuracy. The Man with the Iron Fists looks to be a crazy over-the-top kung-fu action film with its own unique style brought to you by RZA, one of the most prominent members of the Wu-Tang Clan. However, he only co-wrote the film. His partner in this endeavor? Eli Roth, whose writing experience centers around the teenagers he brutally tortures in his gore-porn films. So let's hope he didn't help with the dialogue this time around. Here is a Rothian gem from Cabin Fever, in case you’re not familiar with his genius: Paul – “Why would you wanna kill squirrels?” Bert - “'cause they're gay.”

This made it on the list because regardless of the hate it gets, the franchise has a huge fanbase that throws its parent’s/boyfriend’s money at it. A success is a success. It's Twilight - no further introductions needed. If you're a Twilight fan there's pretty much nothing I can say to make you want to go see this any more or less than you already do. As for the people being dragged to this by their significant other, one can only hope that the film comes full-circle from terrible to terribly entertaining. Otherwise, constant remind your partner of the sexual courtesies they owe you for actually seeing this.


these are the people of north coast! As the calendar flips into September the Midwest looks ahead to six gloomy months of pallid flesh, wool socks, and agonizing glances at weather apps, hoping for temporary reprieve from sub-zero temperatures. It's coming, but not just yet. Last weekend we, the people of the fly-over states, stood defiant in the face of Old Man Winter at Chicago's North Coast Music Festival. It was a freaky fun time, and while the artists playing at NCMF certainly brought their A-game, it was the patrons that made the shows what they were. These soul soldiers stood up to the winds of change, so we decided to talk to them. By Brendan and Jess

yuvonne Where you’re from: Battle Creek, MI Who are you excited to see?: Knife Party Who are you wearing?: Hello Kitty What’s your favorite rap lyric?: “Fuck bitches, get money.”

Alex Where you’re from: Chicago Who are you excited to see?: Knife Party Who are you wearing?: “Ray Varner’s clothes.” What’s your favorite rap lyric?: “Throw ya mouth on it.”

marie Where you’re from: Manhattan, NY Who are you excited to see?: Alesso Who are you wearing?: Bass Bunny What’s your favorite rap lyric?: “Bring the motherfuckin’ ruckus!”

kitty

jake

Nick

Where you’re from: Chicago Who are you excited to see?: Team Bayside High Who are you wearing?: Stuff from a thrift store. What’s your favorite rap lyric?: “Trappin’ ain’t dead, niggas just scared.”

Where you’re from: Chicago Who are you excited to see?: Mord Fustang Who are you wearing?: Nero What’s your favorite rap lyric?: “Girls, rub on ya titties.”

j-dizzle

Where you’re from: Another World Who are you excited to see?: Knife Party Who are you wearing?: My clothing. What’s your favorite rap lyric?: “I can’t do that right now.”

Where you’re from: Clouds Who are you excited to see?: Knife Party Who are you wearing?: Bear Man Big What’s your favorite rap lyric?: “Suck a dick, ho.”

alexa Where you’re from: Indiana Who are you excited to see?: Axwell Who are you wearing?: Homemade everything. What’s your favorite rap lyric?: “I can’t think right now.”

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the classtime

seriously cereals crossword Across

3) Circles of sugary awesomeness. 4) Gives you strength, supposedly. 7) A “diet” cereal. 9) Aye, aye! 11) This cereal is smacked with the most sugar of any. 12) Makes a fine mix with pretzels and peanuts. 13) Fruit + Boy’s Name 15) You’re not just good, you’re... 16) Like a Rabbit's Foot

5) Oh, that silly wabbit. 6) The 100% cereal. 8) Better suited baked and with marshmallows. 9) The number one selling cereal in the U.S. 10) Very scary, yet chocolatey. 14) Eating in general will give you this. 17) Slang for shoes.

Down

1) Literally desserts in a bowl of milk. 2) Little shapes of all these letters.

Answers

Oktoberfest

at Fat Jack’s!

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 21

7 different Oktoberfest Beers on Tap $12 Liter Boots that you can KEEP! Live music with Black Magic Johnson from 7-10pm

511 N MAIN ST. • NORMAL, IL • 309.821.9222


Illinois State Fall Issue 2 - 9/5/12