The Black Sheep AFT
Vol. 2, Issue 7
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
S FRE ER CENT O E... L IK LEA V I N N YO U E T H E GA RC DAN LOTH K H ES EAD SH
4/10/14 - 4/23/14
THE TEAR-JERKING, VOMIT-INDUCING EXAMS
YOU MIGHT ENCOUNTER DURING FINALS BETSY MARTIN WROTE THIS We’ve all heard the various myths and legends regarding final exams. The infuriatingly tough cumulative exams, the stupidly-easy essays – all take on legendary status when finals week comes around. You may have heard about Professor So-and-So’s 400-question exam, which, if you get to the end, you might actually see the face of God, or Dr. What’sherface that doled out free passes on exam day for kiss-asses with perfect attendance. We thought we’d take a moment to warn our precious readers about the dangers of finals week and also send out a positive message that whatever final exams you encounter, you’ll survive the week... with lots o’ booze. And crying. And possibly hard drugs. We all know the number-two pencil and Scantron deal, and the blue-book essay exam that permanently disfigures hands, but there are wild and exotic breeds of finals that you should know about. Stay sharp, and never underestimate the worth of a C. The “culminating experience,” a.k.a. a complete waste of your time – You’re required to grace the class with your presence on exam day when there’s no test and nothing to be handed in. You slaved over a 40-page research paper or nearly committed a gruesome murder to finish a group project. Or maybe it was an extensive portfolio that you literally had to sell your soul to complete. So now not only are you Satan’s bitch, but your professor is doing his best Joe Stalin impression and demanding you show up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed on the exam day when you already said sayonara to that wedgie-picker last week. You turned in the project and
got the professor evaluations out of the way, so God knows what this is all about. The culminating experience is partly the university’s fault. Grand Valley decreed classes must meet during their final exam period, which if you don’t have an actual exam to take, could turn into a Pocahontas viewing party with popcorn and vodka-filled water bottles, or a completely asinine attempt at “closure.” Your blood, sweat, tears, and additional bodily fluids dripping from the pages of your final project should have been closure enough. Then there’s the F-it final – You studied your ass off for this final. Flashcards, study buddies, you committed to ace-ing this bitch. You get the exam booklet, briefly look it over, and come to the conclusion you’ve lost the ability to read. Are words even allowed to be that long? The prof’s power has gone to his head and he’s created the world’s most impossible exam. There’s not even a hint of the material you spent all night cramming for. Your shaken confidence rapidly melts into desperation as your flip through the 30 pages of questions. Only one solution comes to mind – bullshit your way through it. You’re not going to pass this. Come to terms with the F and give some colorful answers. That jackass deserves it.
exam AFTER he assigned a 20-page study guide and four additional chapters the previous week.
Or, forgoing the extra 75 minutes of hell that is the culminating experience, your saint of a professor decides to take it easy on your class and commit your final grade to a one-page crossword puzzle (hint: 13 across - boobs). However, some professors can be real jerks about the joke final, and only lets the art class know they’ll be using watercolors for a paint-by-numbers
You get to the exam expecting to fling yourself from Cook Carillon after you hand in your paltry attempt at intelligence. Lo and behold, the study guide was a joke. Those endless nights of studying are washed away with a word search. You sucked down more caffeine than is legal in 27 states, and offered to blow a library attendant just to stay after hours.
You may laugh out of relief when the professor hands you a one-sided final, but that laugh soon turns into a snot-dripping tear-fest as you become aware all your hard work was for nothing (you’ll realize this again come graduation day). You’ll emit a strange gurgling sound, eat the test, and lunge at your professor’s jugular with bared teeth. Down Cujo, you’ll find another way to relieve that pent-up aggression. We’re proposing a renaming of the last Friday of finals to “Flagrant nudity and public intoxication” day. Then is your
PAGE 4 TRUST FUND PSEUDO-HIPPIE SOLVES HUNGER, SADNESS
PAGE 5 STUDENT MAJORS IN UNEMPLOYMENT, CAN’T FIND WORK
BECAUSE STUDYING ABROAD IS THE AUTHENTIC CULTURAL EXPERIENCE OF A LIFETIME.
SO… NOW WHAT?
Keep Up With Us! @TheBlackSheepGV • theblacksheeponline.com
chance to go buck wild. Having survived midterms, we’re all fairly familiar with the ultimate feeling of victory – turning in an exam or paper, having the weight of 50-lb textbooks lift off your shoulders, and shredding every inconsequential assignment in a mass-slaying of notebooks. Finishing winter finals is even more rewarding, so study hard Lakers. Your future of pina coladas and sunburn awaits.
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GUESS THE MASCOT
To be cast out from a group of friends after breaking up with a member of that group. “Just last week I was grabbing beers with Terry, then I get excommunidated after I dumped Lydia, and now he won’t text me back!”
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TRUST FUND PSEUDO-HIPPIE RETURNING FROM STUDY ABROAD
SOLVES HUNGER, SADNESS MIKE LAMBERTI WROTE THIS
Picture having nothing. Now, picture having nothing, except “nothing” means a room with climate control, thousands of dollars in expendable income, no personal accountability, and a ticket back to your home country just when things become unbearable. These deplorable conditions were what GVSU photography student Sage Parsons chose to undertake on her study abroad trip. After just a few months of living in Ghana, Parsons believes she has reached the ultimate goal of the conscious photographer: solving world poverty. “Here in Ghana the people have a real pain in their eyes,” while holding back tears she continues, “I know my art will make a difference.” Parsons is bursting with ideas:. “We could hire some of these starving kids to work in Fresh. Stuff them in a boat, ship them to Allendale, and build a cute little shantytown under Little Mac Bridge
for them to stay,” Parsons giggles, “How has nobody thought of this before?” The ambitious activist explained to The Black Sheep that her insight into the lives of the less fortunate is just another one of her talents. Having attended a private high school, she always knew she had a special gift: “I helped my old school put a Nike factory in Guatemala and now they have jobs there. Win-win if you ask me.”
“I’ve never seen someone die alone of tuberculosis in the middle of the street so convincingly!” Did Parsons stop when she flunked out of freshman economics and had to retake it in the summer? No. Did Parsons stop when her advisor told her not to waste her money in a recession getting an arts degree from a mid-tier public university, and to just get a two-year degree from a community college, find
a job, and see where her passions take her? No. Did Parsons stop when other universities denied her because she filled her application out in watercolor? No. GVSU gave her a shot regardless of her shortcomings, and now she’s a girl on a mission. Parsons’ current focus is to compose pictures that evoke impressions of the people and environment in which she stayed. “Of course, the composition and lighting of these pictures needs to be perfect. I’ll have to shoot it in a studio. I need to contact that one starving kid’s agent, I hope he’s with the Screen Actors Guild. I’ve never seen someone die alone of tuberculosis in the middle of the street so convincingly! There’s got to be a photography studio in this stinky ol’ village, right?” Parsons plans to submit her photos to every major news outlet in America. She’s unable to control her excitement:
“At that point, they’ll HAVE to publish them, won’t they? I mean, hello, starving people? Then, everyone in the world will know, and boom. Hunger solved.” The young humanitarian has also urged GVSU to use its contract with human rights-champions Adidas to make positive changes in the third-world. “We already have a contract with Adidas,
why don’t they just open a sweat shop in Ghana or something? Instant jobs and clear pores, for everyone.” Adidas has yet to respond to Parsons’ proposal for African expansion, and her photos have yet to go to print. On this fact, Parsons had to say, “wait, what was that? I was checking Instagram real quick.”
WAYS TO WARD OFF CREEPS JULIE NICHOLS WROTE THIS
Getting hit on by guys who can’t take a hint is a rite of passage for the young women of the world. The best way to ward off creeps is to out-creep them. Here are some tips to help you get your message across to any boy who won’t leave you alone. 10.) Wear bizarre attire: Why not wear entirely Grand Valley attire, from hat to shoes, including the ever-so-sexy lanyard around your neck? Or hey, if spiking your hair up into a point and wearing crocs is your weapon of choice, all the more power to you. 9.) Say you had sex with Louie the Laker: Don’t just say you slept with Louie the Laker, describe it to the creep in detail. On the downside, this may make you seem like a slutty good time, so drop hints that you got an STI from the Grand Valley mascot.
STUDENT MAJORS IN UNEMPLOYMENT,
CAN’T FIND WORK CLAIRE FISHER WROTE THIS Picking a major is one of the toughest decisions a Grand Valley student has to make, right behind deciding what to wear to the President’s Ball and just above choosing between eating at The Connection or Fresh. Students struggle to pick a major that satisfies their interests, but tragically these students will graduate college without any job prospects on the horizon. The Black Sheep sat down with David Hunt, a graduating senior experiencing this tragedy firsthand. “My freshman year I had no idea what my major should be; people always told me I should major in whatever I liked to do,” David begins. “After freshman year all I knew was that I really liked drinking and hanging out in Kistler’s lobby.” A look of joy forms on David’s face as he continues, “And that was when I heard about this thing called unemployment. You sit around all day and do whatever you want! That was like exactly what I wanted to do in life and I heard there were a ton of people who were unemployed, so it must be an easy career to get into, right?” Following the advice that he’d always been given, David declared unemployment as his major and the rest of his college career was simple. David was able to practice his job skills by not attending classes except for Grand Valley’s gen-ed courses. “I didn’t really see how they related to my major, but they were required so I took them,” David explains. After four years of bliss, interrupted only by the occasional requirement, David reached his final semester of college optimistic for the future. That was until he began looking for a job.
“I was in Kirkhof when I found out,” David shakes his head in frustration. “My friends said they were finding jobs for next year and so I started an unemployment job search on Google. And after like twelve minutes of tireless searching, I found out that there were no jobs in unemployment! Like none at all!” David’s face reddens and the vein in his forehead threatened to pop as he continues, “I was so pissed. I’d just spent four years studying so I could be unemployed and it wasn’t going to help me get money! Anyway, needless to say, I threw my laptop at the 20/20 desk and had to be escorted out. Apparently they pay people to do that.” With no job prospects lined up for next year, David struggles to make living arrangements, “I mean it’s ridiculous, some of my friends have to move back in with their parents and are going to live in the basement. I mean I might as well have majored in film or art like them!”
8.) Call your mom: Give the woman who birthed you a call and put her on speaker. Make it seem like phoning your mother is a regular occurrence by asking mundane questions about your father’s job or the family dog. End of the conversation with: “I’ll call you in an hour, mom,” this will show him how dedicated to your mother-daughter relationship you are, leaving no time to waste on him. 7.) Call his mom: If at all possible, ask to borrow his phone and give his mother a ring. It’s been proven that the best way to win a guy’s heart is to tell his mom how excited you are to be her daughter-in-law. Phrases like “eternal love” and “I can’t wait to give you grandchildren” should be enough to out-creep this creep. 6.) Make a 15-minute PowerPoint presentation: This presentation doesn’t even have to be about the two of you, even though Photoshopping your heads onto famous celebrity couples would do the trick. Just give him something that shows how perfectly normal you are, like an angry series of slides regarding the tragedy of burnt pizza Fresh Food Co. has been serving lately. 5.) Carry Twilight like a Bible: Turn him on by quoting the talented Stephenie Meyer. If he tries to touch you, hold up your book and scream, “You’re not Edward Cullen!” and flee. 4.) Cry in front of him unashamedly: Burst into tears and blame it on your PMS. Boys love it when you talk about your bleeding vagina. 3.) Remind him of his crippling student debt: Nothing screams “fun and flirty” more than bringing up his Grand Valley student loans. Extra tip: make sure to ask him about his graduation plans. Of course such discussion may give the appearance that you care about his life, so remember to pepper in phrases like “that’s unrealistic in today’s economic environment” and “have fun living in your parents’ basement.” 2.) Be obsessed with your goldfish: Obsessing over cats is so overrated. Fish are the now, the hipster trend. So make sure to show him a locket where you keep a picture of Gilly, as well as a piece of his sunshine-colored scales. It might also help if you have a video on your phone of Gilly and you singing an underwater duet, maybe to something like “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.” 1.) Pee yourself: Screw it, just pee yourself. Seriously. If all else fails tell him your bladder is going to explode and piss your pants like a toddler.
Next year David plans to live on his younger sister’s couch in Niemeyer: “I’m thinking if I live on her couch, then I can just like keep doing what I did for all these years. She was thinking about majoring in engineering because that’s what she likes to do, but I told her to major in something like creative writing or drama so she wouldn’t end up in the same situation as me.” David is just one example of students all over Grand Valley who were encouraged to follow their dreams and do what they loved and will soon be headed for a life of freeloading and mooching. David leaves GV students with this advice: “If it seems like something you’ll have fun doing, you’re making the wrong decision.”
AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
ON THE STREETS WHAT CHEESY PICK-UP LINE WOULD WORK BEST WHEN PICKING UP A MILF/DILF? Jesse
“Since the Flintstones are older, ‘Baby, I’m no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your bed rock.’”
“Do you like tapes and CDs? Cause Im’a tape this dick to your forehead so you can see deez nuts.”
“I didn’t know they let cougars roam outside the zoo…”
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IDEAL GVSU STUDENT ACCEPTED INTO EVERY INTERNSHIP YOU WEREN’T STAFF WROTE THIS As April rolls in, the calm spring winds are probably already drying your sopping wet cheeks from incessantly sobbing over one internship rejection after the other. Usually, the blow of professional disappointment is softened when word comes around that none of your friends have landed any of their prestigious, career-starting pathways out of their parents’ houses yet either. This year, however, students all over campus are sharing a collective contempt for that one over-qualified sonofabitch who just happened to land every dream internship they didn’t. “Like, of course that smug asshole gets to work at Google for the summer,” remarked Greg Innis, a junior in computer science. “Seriously, how could the internship advisors over there pick such an abhorrent prick? No matter what MP me and the other guys in CS work on, he never complains about our professors with us. He just, like a complete and total asshole, does the work thoroughly
place I have applied to for the past 3 years of my life, and I couldn’t even tell you how extensive my portfolio is with one social media managing internship after the other. But what does that selfish shitstain do? He goes ahead and designs his own personal website that looks leagues better than my professional Tumblr. Like, it has slickly designed widgets and everything. The kid’s not even an ad major, I don’t get it. Landing this internship was my dream, and he literally took the biggest postChipotle shit all over it. Now I might have to settle for freelancing …”
without so much as a peep of discontent, and even throws in some lame-ass ‘innovative solution’ on top of it. He makes more work for himself. What a chode, for crissake.” The GVSU student who has indirectly crushed the summer dreams of many a well-balanced and qualified student is now forced with the decision to decide from thousands of internships across all disciplines. Ranging from working with underprivileged kids in rough neighborhoods to aiding with intensive neuropsychological research, the campus-proclaimed “Douchebag of the Summer” has been relatively quiet about his accomplishments, only going so far as to call his parents about his success and reply honestly when people ask him, “So, what are you doing for this summer?”
Student reports have claimed that the internship-studded student is very confident and focused in terms of his strengths, but it would help if he wasn’t such a “pompous asshat” about it. Outside of exceling in his studies, the student also holds leadership positions in a few clubs on campus, which is not unlike the average college student. However, what turns the student population
“He got into Leo Burnett. Leo FUCKING Burnett,” wailed Stephanie Birmingham, a junior in advertising. “That agency has been the only
off is the fact that he makes it seem like he genuinely enjoys the added stress without considering how it boosts his resume. “Do you honestly think I give two shits about the publication I’m working at right now?” commented a disgruntled Grand Valley Lanthorn editor after learning that the rival student landed a coveted editorial spot at The New Yorker. “I could care less about the integrity of half the ramblings that get posted in this paper. All I want companies to see is the big, bold “EDITOR of whatever” on my LinkedIn. But this fucking guy, I tell you … I have to walk past him every single time he walks to and from one of his organization meetings … always smiling. He said ‘hello’ to me last time I passed him, and I literally began thinking of ways to eviscerate him on the spot and choke him with his own intestines.” The editor abruptly left the interview shortly thereafter, claiming that he needed to channel his un-supported
and tasteless anger through another opinion piece. We were able to speak with the university’s most deplored student as he was catching up on some emails at Biggby, passively dodging epithets and hate speech from passing students that even we can’t legally print. The student claimed that he was “shocked” to have received accept letters from all of his internship applications, and that he felt “truly blessed and lucky” to see his hard work pay off at this crucial point in
his life. He also mentioned that he hoped for “nothing but the best” for any of his fellow students feeling a little discouraged and that they should “continue to seize the day and turn yesterday’s failure into tomorrow’s success.” As a staff full of writers who will spending our summer making a few issues filled with uninspired dick jokes and townie-pandering humor, we at The Black Sheep concur that, yes, what a complete and total asshole.
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All Week Long! 50 Cent Wings During Any Michigan Team’s Game 4-9 Happy Hour
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ACROSS: 2) Legendary Chicago Bears football player and coach. 4) Michael Cera’s character in Arrested Development, two words. 5) What disesase does Michael J. Fox suffer from? 7) Mike Rowe, the host of Dirty Jobs, is on
which channel? 10) Michael Buble is from this Canadian province, two words. 12) Mike who? Mike who? 13) Michael C. Hall played the lead in which HBO show? 15) Michael Jackson was born in this Indiana city.
DOWN: 1) He played Austin Powers, baby, two words. 3) This Michael is famous for his controversial documentaries. 5) The most decorated Olympic athlete. 6) What was Mike Sorrentino’s nickname on Jersey Shore? 8) Philadelphia Eagles quarterback who spent time in prison for illegal dog dighting. 9) Michael Jordan won 6 NBA Championships with this city’s team. 10) The current Mayor of New York City. 11) Mike’s makes what kind of hard beverage? 14) This Mike famously bit off a part of Evander Holyfield’s ear.
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Relationship Status: In a relationship Favorite Drink: Wine
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ROCKSTAR OF THE WEEK
Amanda Erickson of Brann’s
DRINKING GAME Summer Festival Countdown If you’re like us, you’ve definitely had enough of school now to the point where you’re ready to admit that, this summer, you may have absolutely nothing going on job-wise, but there’s always festival season! To defend your $300 investment on standing in sweltering crowds of several thousands, cheer yourself up with this pre-game to the pre-game of your festival. What You’ll Need: The group of friends you’ll be concert-going/camping/drunkenly hooking up with for the summer, a computer or smartphone, and a matching Spotify playlist (optional) Number of Players: If you’re planning on heading to a festival alone, you probably already have your drinking plans set up for tonight … and tomorrow … and the rest of the weekend … Level of Intoxication: “Hey, these guys actually aren’t that bad! We should totally miss Outkast for them.” How to Play: Navigate your web browser to whatever festival you blew your parent’s money on this year. Make sure that the entire lineup is showing, not just headliners or “day-by-by” schedules. Starting at the top of the lineup, take a drink whenever one of the below criteria is met:
- There is a band making a “comeback.” - A band your parents saw back in the 80s is on the bill. - Any EDM artist surfaces – no exceptions. - A pop-punk band from your middle school days shows up out of nowhere. - A rapper who’s serious, hard-hitting lyrics about overcoming the struggles living in an awful neighborhood are found “most relatable” to affluent college kids shows up. - A band whose radio-abused single is on the tip of your tongue, but you just can’t name it comes up. - Anyone you haven’t the slightest clue about is on the bill (treat this as the finale). Everyone drinks when: - The phrase “God, this year’s lineup is so good” comes up. - The phrase “Hm … I mean, it’s no 2013, but it’s a solid lineup, right?” comes up. - The phrase “Holy shit, this lineup is fucking awful” inevitably comes up. Game Ends When: You’re either excessively excited for the festival or morally outraged at impulse buying.
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Disgusting Drink: Miami vice (Strawberry daiquiri and pina colada mixed) What fictional bar patron do you most want to stop by this joint?: Norm from Cheers, because he always has something funny to say. What’s the last thing you think before you have to cut someone off?: Ignore them. This bar’s motto, five words or less: Where everybody knows your name. Give us an original swear word substitute: Eff you!
What’s the most bizarre thing you’ve seen in real life?: Lady having sex with old man in the parking lot for money, while she smoked a cigarette. Or the guy who shit his pants while walking in the lobby, a lot of weird things happen here. Would you rather be caught eating a booger or smelling your own fart?: Smelling my own fart. If you had to have elephantiasis of something, you’d have elephantiasis of…: …the breasts. Would make you some money. How are we going to get out of this mess?: It is what it is. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Good way to end a shitty day.
RECIPE for DISASTER Decked-Out Peanut Butter and Grilled Cheese Alright, time to stop kidding yourself: you’re running low on money. Whether your parents are cutting you off for the third year in a row of abysmal grades or you’ve just been giving up shifts at the dining hall, if there’s one thing that’s for sure, it’s that you’re spending way too much on late-night pizzas and chicken strips. To cope, here’s a quick, easy, and cheap snack that you could honestly make right now within the comfort of your own home … if you’re properly sauced at 2:30 in the morning, of course. What You Need: A toaster or George Foreman Grill (we prefer the latter because the grill lines at least make it seem like we dined out for the night.), 6 slices of bread (3 at the very LEAST. You can stack this sucker up as high as you want, baby.), Peanut butter, Your favorite flavor of jelly, Plastic cheese singles (if you’re fancy enough to be toting around deli-style carvings, then leave us peasants alone.) Cook Time: About 10 minutes. Fatty Factor: If it’s come to this, you can’t really complain about feeling a little queasy. Let’s Get Baked: - Fire up the George Foreman and place as many slices of bread on the grill as possible. If you have one of those fancy-schmancy industrial-sized
ones that can fit ALL 6 slices on at once, then congratulations: your parents love you more than ours. - Periodically check the toast to see if it’s grilled to your liking, but, you only want to get halfway there. - Remove the toast and begin assembling the first deck of the sandwich by placing a cheese single on a slice, following by another slice, followed by another single, and finished off with another slice. Look at you and your college education! - Begin assembling the second deck of the sandwich by applying the same concepts we learned in chapter 1 (the above step). This time, of course, stick to layers of peanut butter and jelly. - Carefully place the finished sandwich back on the grill. It’ll heat things up fast, so if the scent of burning cheese makes your nose hairs tear up, be attentive. - Remove the sandwich without searing your hand. - Stuff that sucker down before you sober up to visible regret. We know, we know. This is budget cooking to the absolute extreme. But if years of mixing assorted liquors together have taught us anything, it’s that, with practice, mixing assorted foods won’t make you sick all the time.
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This year, Easter Sunday lands conveniently on 4/20, a date that usually stands on its own as a holiday for stoners worldwide. This got The Black Sheep thinking; what if Jesus was the pot-smoking, sandal-wearing, Wakarusa attendee that he resembles in all of those pictures hanging in our grandmother’s living room? Our speculation turned into certainty, and now we present you with some of your favorite New Testament stories if Jesus of Nazareth was a tokin’ Messiah.
The Temptation of a Tripping Jesus After Jesus and John the Baptist frolicked in the water in a “no homo” kind of way, Jesus decided to head into the Judean Desert to fast for forty days and nights. Also to smoke some weed and take a bunch of peyote. Twenty minutes into his trip, Satan appeared to Jesus in the form of what would later be known as a “Venice Beach roller skater.” The devil, who was wearing a tank top and cut-off jean shorts, looked down at the hungry Jesus. “If you are the son of God, command these stones to become loaves of bread, or nah?” Satan said. “Nah.” the Son of God replied. The devil shrugged and danced while waving glow sticks in a figure eight pattern, as Jesus could have sworn all of his senses were heightened to a whole new level. Later on, one of the twelve disciples reported that Jesus never actually made it to the desert, but instead sat on the edge of a forest and held down a large stick in fear that “it will surely float away.” Jesus held the branch for forty minutes. The Rage-fest at Cana Jesus and his “bro-sciples” attended a wedding at Cana in Galilee with the sole purpose of getting drunk and putting out some vibes towards the bridesmaids. During the reception, Jesus worked on the holiest of buzzes when suddenly his frantic mother came to him: “They have no wine!” Mary said. Jesus averted his mother’s eyes and leaned back against a pillar. “Bitch, this don’t concern me yet,” Jesus said. After polishing off his glass of wine, plus the remaining drinks that the disciples were planning on consuming, Jesus decided to take action. Under the Messiah’s instructions, servants of the wedding gathered a bunch of jugs filled with water. Jesus walked over to
the jugs, kissed both of his biceps and winked at one of the bridesmaids. He then shot a middle finger towards the jugs of water, thusly turning the liquid into wine. “Boom…” Jesus whispered into the face of his annoying mother. Many scholars believe this was the first miracle of seven that Jesus performed to prove he was the Son of God, but in fact it was just merely the first one of that day. Later on during the wedding, he also converted some of the loaves of bread into tightly rolled joints, a violin into a boom box that strictly played dub-step, and he magically converted one of the palace columns into a skinny metal pole that the female servants could dance on. Jesus Gets the Munchies in Front of 5,000 People On their way to John the Baptist’s funeral, Jesus and the disciples cut the edge with five ounces of Bethsaida’s finest green. Soon a crowd of 5,000 people gathered from nearby towns and followed Jesus during the majority of his trek. It wasn’t long before Jesus started asking people for anything “fried or covered in chocolate.” “We have only five loaves here and two fish,” the disciples said. “Bring them here to me,” Jesus said. The disciples and the large crowd licked their lips in anticipation in hopes for a Jesus miracle. Instead, Jesus took the remaining food, sat on the ground, and ate it all in one sitting as every bystander watched. Sensing the tension surrounding him, Jesus told his disciples, “Big deal if their hungry, I fasted for forty days and nights once.” “No Jesus,” Matthew said, closing his eyes and rubbing the bridge of his nose, “no you didn’t.” Jesus Raises the Dead Lazarus from His Comfy-Ass Tomb During a chill afternoon, a messenger delivered bad news to Jesus about his friend Lazarus. The message came from Lazarus’ two sisters, Martha and Mary, and informed Jesus that Lazy L is ill. “Righteous,” Jesus said, but then it was explained to him that in this case “ill” meant that Lazarus was dying. Two days later Jesus decided to visit his sick friend. The disciples tried to warn Jesus about the dangers of returning to Judea, but all he heard were the words “Jews love to get stoned.” “Hell yeah, let’s get going,” Jesus said, “and grab one of those jugs of water so we can blast off along the way.” Jesus and his “Holy Thugs” arrived in Bethany shortly after and drunkenly made their way to Martha and Mary’s house. The two sisters were engulfed in grief when Jesus arrived, so he did what any Messiah would do; he turned a loaf of bread into a spliff the size of a baby’s forearm and lit it up. A few puff-puff-passes later, the room started to spin and the sisters kept on bitching about their dead brother. Jesus stood and demanded to be shown to Lazarus’ tomb. Upon arriving at a cave, a stone was removed that blocked the entrance and Jesus
yelled: “Lazarus, get the fuck out!” A confused Lazarus came stumbling out of the tomb and Jesus pushed past him mumbling something along the lines of “I’m cross-fading pretty hard right now.” Jesus slept in the tomb for the next twelve hours. The Hydro Supper For Passover, Jesus and his posse got together at a house in the city for some late night grub. To spice up the night, Jesus made a bong out of a bread bowl so he and the twelve disciples could “get lifted to a whole new spiritual level.” Before they ate, Jesus addressed the group and said “Truly, I say to you, one of you will betray me.” Everyone seated at the table subtly looked towards Judas who had supplied the weed but refused to smoke it because of an upcoming “drug test.” Before an inquiry or accusation could be proclaimed, Jesus jumped up from the table and exhaled a cloud of dank smoke. “Oh shit, are the cops outside?!” Jesus said. The twelve disciples calmed Jesus down and reassured him that neither the cops, nor his parents, were sitting outside in the driveway. The final supper came to an abrupt stop after Jesus claimed the bread to be his body and the wine to be of his blood and insisted everyone to “fucking eat him.” “Damn, Judas, what kind of haze did you bring?” Matthew said, as he tried to coach Jesus out from under the table. The Pass-Out and Resurrection of Jesus Christ A week later, in the city of Golgotha, the eleven remaining disciples looked up at Jesus as he hung limply on a cross. All twelve men shook their heads in disbelief as they reflected on the sad sight before them. Bartholomew was the first to speak. “My God, he’s passed out again,” he said. “I love him, but dis dude can NOT handle his weed,” Thomas said. The disciples lowered their passed-out messiah off of the cross and elected to find a cave for him to sleep in, noting their leader’s previous affinity towards napping in tombs. Three days later, Jesus awoke with massive cravings for potato chips dipped in a milkshake and tried to release himself from the tomb with no avail. Soon an angel descended from heaven, broke the stone blocking the tomb, and let Jesus out. The angel informed Jesus that his father was “getting ready to dish out the ass-whooping of a lifetime” and that he’d better say goodbye to his “hood-rat” friends. Jesus ascended to heaven forty days after his wicked blackout in Golgotha, leaving his teachings to his eleven trusted disciples. The group tried to spread the Son of God’s message, but was met with a lot of skepticism. Mainly due to their reputation as being burnt out potheads who traveled around the Middle East in a blurry haze.
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