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The Black Sheep

ON FREE THE ... L DAY IKE TO N J U M BAN PING DW AG O

Vol. 2, Issue 6

THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE

N.

3/27/14 - 4/9/14

JUNIOR CIRCUMVENTS REGISTRATION HAZARDS,

NAMED DEAN IN THE PROCESS BETSY MARTIN WROTE THIS

If you’ve been at Grand Valley for more than a few semesters, or around the block at any campus, you understand the rigors of registration. Some lunatic in the registrar’s office decided that 7 a.m. would be the opportune time for thousands of students to crash the university servers and bombard the registration website just so they can get a seat in Bio 109: Plants in the World. Biology credit is for suckers. If you sleep through that 6:59 alarm, you potentially miss out on a year’s worth of classes, leading you into a tailspin of a deep depression and heavy drinking. Congratulations on being a seventh-year sophomore, you’ve set a new record. Your children’s children will curse the Laker name, shaking their soot-covered fists at the injustice of class selection. Generations of your family shit-out-of-luck simply because some overachieving freshman stole your spot. As registration is a touchy subject, we thought we’d cheer you up with a success story for the ages, a personal victory for one student whose finger to the man inspires us every time registration comes around. Junior Chelsea Zolo was used to being last. Her name ensured she would always be at the back of pack, and Chelsea had had it with the last-shallbe-first promise that never pulled through (read a Bible, you Philistine). Registering for classes on the last possible day for her credit level was turning into a nightmare. Classes were slowly nearing their capacity. As Chelsea watched helplessly, seats were being filled by eager-beaver juniors and lazy seniors who didn’t give a rat’s ass about gender diversity, so she assumed. Finally, as she witnessed the last open seat in a crucial prerequisite disappear, Chelsea decided the world had screwed her over one too many times. Chelsea was no stranger to campaigning for justice. In high school she had led a student revolution against administration to fill the crater-like potholes in the student parking lot. As a 6th grader she had lobbied for longer recesses and went head-to-head with her principal, who wept as Chelsea gave a rousing speech to the middle school. A modern-day Robespierre, Chelsea knew how to work the system and stir the masses. So, Chelsea spread the word on campus through every social media outlet that the reign of registration terror would come to an end if students would abdicate for a fairer lottery-like system. And the idea spread like wildfire. Suicidal bio majors and anxious psychology students stormed

Padnos and Au Sable, hungry for blood and the equal opportunity to fail. Chelsea was at the site of every department battle, and celebrated the victories with her comrades. Professors feared for their lives and vanished from the campus to escape the violence. Never before had they considered the psychological damage of not getting into their precious lectures. The student body then set its sights on the registrar’s office, which likewise came to a crumble at the feet of the masses. Chelsea’s peers lifted their fearless leader up on their shoulders and marched to the dean’s office. The staff immediately declared its clemency out of fear of being taken

hostage over class credit. The administration recognized its deficient program, Chelsea was seated on the throne of the dean, and a fairer system was established. No longer would helpless sophomores with “W” last names be systematically oppressed. Chelsea made demands for all classes to be offered every semester, instead of the agonizing “fall semesters, even years”, or “winter semesters, odd years”. She rode out the rest of her career at Grand Valley as a friend to the people. Classes were filled in a decorous fashion as long as Madam Zolo served. So, may the acts of a Z last name forever live on in your memories and serve as a reminder that the woes of registration can be avoided if a brave student makes it their mission to stop the tyranny and injustice.

PAGE 5 NEW RELIGION FORMS AFTER ESSAY IS FOUND IN MELTING SNOW

PAGE 7 A CHICK’S GUIDE TO BASEBALL BASICS

PAGES 12-13 TACO BELL MENU FLOPS: PAST AND PRESENT

ALSO UNCOVERED WERE YOUR MISSING EAR BUDS AND THAT ORANGE LIGHTER.

WAIT, IT’S MORE THAN JUST DRINKING BEER AND WATCHING HOT GUYS?

HEY, ROME WASN’T BUILT IN A DAY, AND NEITHER WAS TACO BELL’S PERFECTION.

Keep Up With Us! @TheBlackSheepGV • theblacksheeponline.com


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STUDENT SENATE WORKS TO IMPROVE GVSU’S RELATIONSHIP WITH WEATHER DISCOVERIES IN OCCULTISM REVEAL NEW DIPLOMATIC OPPORTUNITIES MIKE LAMBERTI WROTE THIS

“Who knew dabbling in Unspeakable Magicks could be so rewarding?” muses the former president of the GVSU Political Affairs Committee. Having abandoned his name and station, preferring the title of Plaguebringer, he explains, “We now control the variables of probability, luck, and most importantly, the power over the recent barrage of polar vortexes that have been assaulting our campus.” Despite his strange title, Plaguebringer has some urgent news for The Black Sheep. Through relinquishing their sanity to a strange and ancient being, the former Political Affairs Committee, now the Whispering Brethren, acquired a plethora of supernatural abilities. Once they abandoned their eternal souls to the suppurating abyss, the organization gained the power to manipulate forces beyond human comprehension, paving the way towards a better relationship with B’gnu-Thun, Chaos God of the Eternal Freeze. The Whispering Brethren has not ignored the massive amounts of snow that west Michigan has received. “Scientists want you to believe that extreme weather like this is the result of the gradual, centurieslong process of global warming, where the Earth’s climate slowly increases in temperature due to man’s reckless nature and hubris,” Plaguebringer becomes more intense as he reaches his point, “but the truth is that Polar Vortexes are the physical manifestations of the ancient deity B’gnu-Thun, Chaos God of the Eternal Freeze.” The high priest understands that readers might feel shock upon realizing that weather patterns come from an ancient eldritch abomination rather than from

physical patterns or even God. “There is nothing after you die,” Plaguebringer sits up in his chair and stares off in the distance, “only the void.” In previous attempts to quell the snow deluge, the Whispering Brethren conducted some trials that failed before reaching their goal. “We initially thought that the campus had fallen from God’s favor due to its large LGBTQ population, so we built a shrine deep in the Arboretum and ritually sacrificed a queer student,” Plaguebringer chuckles as he recalls his anecdote, “boy, was that a mistake. If only we had kept him alive long enough to help get the stains out of my robes, am I right?” According to Plaguebringer, the Whispering Brethren also tried anti-rain dances, placing large buckets in strategic locations to collect precipitation, and the old standby: yelling at the sky. Plaguebringer adds, “The bucket idea was actually not a bad one, we just ran out of buckets.” According to Plaguebringer, the only way to appease B’gnu-Thun is to surrender one’s soul. “The Whispering Brethren decided to give all of our souls to him at once, as a kind of bulk discount, like a Costco for incomprehensible, shapeless beings.”The deity granted the Whispering Brethren power over inclement weather in return for an iron grip on their afterlives. Aside from the supernatural abilities, the WB also must read aloud each day from a tome that appeared in the center of their

ritual circle. Plaguebringer’s second-in-command, now going under the title of the Blightener, explains, “None of us know what language the book’s words are. I don’t think I’m actually reading it; I think the book is speaking through me. I don’t remember,” the Blightener trails off, “who I am...” The Whispering Brethren expect precipitation levels to plummet in the following weeks. They believe their sacrifice has appeased B’gnuThun. “At least for now,” Plaguebringer reassures The Black Sheep, “the weather is in the hands of a cult of devout chaos worshippers, instead of a malicious, formless deity, and that’s what really matters.”


CURRENT EVENTS

THE

TOP

TEN

WAYS TO SPEND YOUR DINING DOLLARS CLAIRE FISHER WROTE THIS

If you, like many students, have purchased a meal plan this year, you’ve realized that you have a ridiculous amount of Dining Dollars that you have to spend before the end of the semester. Don’t fret though, The Black Sheep is here to rescue you and give you ways to get rid of your extra snack money before it disappears. 10.) Get fat: A simple solution, this involves buying as much overpriced junk food from the C-Store as your dining dollars allow and eating it as quickly as possible. This tactic is not for the weakstomached; if you’re going to commit, you’ll want to play it out so you don’t just end up throwing up boxes of Lucky Charms. 9.) Buy food for other people so they’ll get fat: Gifting things you never really wanted is truly the best way to show someone you care, and also a great way to make you feel better about yourself.

NEW RELIGION FORMS AFTER MISSING ESSAY IS FOUND IN MELTING SNOW JULIE NICHOLS WROTE THIS A large mob has recently formed outside Laker Village with students lined up to look at the new 8th wonder of the world. Outside, GVSU junior Erica Glombiski holds up the artifact, a 10-page research paper that survived all winter under a heap of snow. What’s truly amazing about Glombiski’s lucky find is the paper is in mint condition. The essay has been perfectly preserved in the snow. Not even the Times New Roman size-12 font was smudged from its winter hibernation. It’s all because of this that people have hopes of even looking at the rare gem. “My essay is just a compare-and-contrast between Renaissance and Medieval architecture, but you would have thought I discovered the missing link in evolution or that Jesus appeared in my grilled cheese,” Glombiski told The Black Sheep. “I’m just a regular kid like anyone else. Looking back on that terrible January day, I was so sleep-deprived, but I’m almost positive I went to class to turn in my paper. I just can’t remember much about that morning. Guess that’s what happens when you stay up all night. But what’s really cool is that other students have started to find missing items in the snow just like me!” The Black Sheep could have sworn Glombiski mumbled something under her breath, something along the lines of “I was the first to think of…” Regardless, Joe Tamilin, a film major, mans the head of Glombiski’s fan club, believing that her discovery is a sign from the campus gods. “How else can you explain such a beautiful and wondrous find?” Tamilin asked, arms folded across his chest. “Clearly, someone has blessed Erica, and I want to be the first in line to be blessed in return.”

He glanced around and lowered his voice. “I totally stole the coffee mug she used during her all-nighter. It could bring me luck! Also, I may have swiped her stapler. Not because I think it’s magical, but because I really just need a stapler.” While students are in awe of Glombiski’s luck, some academics have formed a group against the students in protest of the story’s validity. “This isn’t the first time we’ve seen incidents like this,” Professor Grace Mathers said. “Since the beginning of academia, students have been creative with their late homework excuses, but this snow thing is too much. Fellow professors and I, people with doctorates, are expected to believe that an essay buried in the snow for over three weeks could have no blemishes whatsoever? I think not.”

8.) Breath mints for life: While breath mints are a necessity, unless you’re that kid who brushes his teeth in the bathroom of Mackinac, they tend to be a drain on your finances. So while you have money you can’t spend on anything else, spend that $250 on mints and you’ll never have to buy them again. 7.) Junk food picnic: As the weather starts to warm up and the sun is shining, celebrate with a picnic on the lawn of the Pew Library with beef jerky, Mountain Dew: Code Red, Skittles, and Double Stuf Oreos. 6.) Feed the Zumberge Geese: If you like animals that occasionally attack people, do your part and get them to stay in the pond in front of Zumberge by feeding them copious amounts of bread loaves that cost more than your Campus Dining paycheck. 5.) Prank someone with rotting food: While there aren’t many choices for things that will go bad before the end of the century, a nice container of yogurt will do the trick. Leave it behind your ex’s dresser or near the vent in the office of that professor whose class you flunked and they’ll regret ever crossing you. 4.) Give out free candy: If on the other hand, you really just want to make people happy buy up all the candy at the P.O.D., then walk around The Connection making new friends (or possibly just looking like a child snatcher). 3.) Turn recyclables into real money: If you’d like to spend some of this money on other more important things to you than snack food (like booze and less expensive snack food) then buy a bunch of bottles of pop, pour out all of the soda, drive the 6 miles to Meijer, and return them for 5 cents apiece. 2.) Let the university keep the money: Grand Valley clearly needs the money and you’ve probably got tons of cash to spare, so give in to The Man and let him keep it. 1.) Bread crumb trails: This is a solution for people with a lot of time on their hands who don’t have Netflix. Leave bread crumb trails leading from all over campus to the same place, like the tunnel under Kirkhof or a giant X you’ve drawn on the ground in the Arboretum. Then wait around for days to see if people will follow them.

Despite backlash and adoring fans, Glombiski is trying to keep levelheaded. She denies both that she is lying and the assumption that she’s the next messiah. “All I know is that my essay was lying face down in the snow last Tuesday. While I’ve enjoy my five minutes of fame, I’m actually pulling another all-nighter tonight so I can finish another essay. Hopefully this time, I’ll turn it in on time,” Glombiski said. Suddenly, Tamilin and his fellow followers swarmed Glombiski holding signs that said “God hates homework” and shouted joyously about “the end of academia.” Glombiski struggled to free herself from the mob. “You know the best part about all of this?” Glombiski said. “I had my professor look over my paper just to see what my grade would have been, you know, had I not left it in the snow. Turns out I would have got an ‘F’ anyway. These people will literally praise anything.”

05


AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

ON THE STREETS

WHAT ARE YOU THE PATRON SAINT OF? Ari

“Patron of Hockey, because I know everything about it.”

Katelyn

“Patron of Partying.”

Hans

“Patron of guitar, because I’m pretty good at it.


FOLLOW US ON TWITTER @THEBLACKSHEEPGV

A CHICK’S GUIDE TO BASEBALL BASICS TBS STAFF WROTE THIS

Allendale, it’s almost time to get out your baseball caps and wieners! Ladies, if your boyfriend is an American (which, just duh) he’s just as pumped for opening day as the night you let him eat Cheetos during sex. But if you’re like most women, you don’t know shit about baseball other than it includes smoking-hot dudes in tight pants and home plate, which for once, isn’t your vag.

friends and now you’re at the game, so now what? Really, NOW WHAT? If you’re a real Laker girl, you’ll sneak a pint of vodka into the cargo pocket of your friend’s shorts, because that’s what cargo pockets are made for.

But The Black Sheep has got your back ladies, and we’ll help you to prepare for the tons of ‘girlfriend/ boyfriend time’ called baseball. And we’ll learn you a little something about America’s favorite pastime.

Once you and the guys are sick of the park, just crack open that pint and get ready to be drunk for the next three hours. Yeah dudettes, news flash: BASEBALL HAS NO PREDICTBLE TIME FRAME. If you’re a heavy drinker then jump on that Blue Label, or Popov 100 proof, because it’s going to be a long-ass day.

Clear Your Schedule: First off, baseball is going to consume a lot more time than you’d expect. You’re going to hear random numbers, many numbers. Those numbers are called statistics and they’re not important to you. Forget about them. Those numbers have no impact on your life. We don’t want you worrying your pretty little head over a player’s RBI.

Don’t Try to Learn the Game: We recommend not asking questions, just talk about how attractive the players are. Also, it’s a great idea to bombard your guy friends with selfies. Just take as many selfies as possible. They’ll love it. Make sure to snap one while you’re shoving a massive hot dog in your mouth, too. It’s cute, and really, it represents how chicks understand America’s pastime.

Enjoy the Eye Candy: Listen up, the professional players your boyfriend will continuously talk about will, in fact, be waaaaay hotter than your actual boyfriend. Your boyfriend will never be as hot as the physical player who plays in games, catches balls, and looks tan. We can promise you that. If anything’s going to get you through baseball season, it’s thinking about all the hot professional players. Imagine them while your boyfriend porks you.

Don’t Speak Baseballese: We can’t stress this enough: Don’t write checks you can’t cash, chicks. If you don’t know the stats, then just don’t say any number you read on the bathroom wall. If you don’t know any players, don’t say the names of baseball icons who played years ago. You’re going look stupid spouting, “Mark McGuire, Jackie Robinson, Barry Bonds,” and if you happen to mention Sammy Sosa, then F-you. Just, F-you. They don’t play anymore! Also this isn’t a good time to bring up plot themes of Moneyball, or how you admire the game because of The Jackie Robinson Story.

By now, hopefully you’ve realized the true purpose of professional baseball: To give you something to hope for while you screw. If you had any sense at all, you’d demand that your boyfriend bring you to his baseball game man-dates. Ball Park Etiquette: You broke down your guy

Ultimately, just do what you did during football season, stay quiet and root for the appropriate team. Or, for the surefire thing, cheer when you see everyone else cheering. Trust us, you’ll be okay. Booze always helps. But shit, when doesn’t it?

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The Bar Grid All Week Long! 50 Cent Wings During Any Michigan Team’s Game 4-9 Happy Hour

WEDNESDAY Flip Night: 3pm-10pm We will flip a coin for your tab! Beer and food both included! Heads you pay, tails we pay. (see in store for details)

$5 Burritos or 50 Cent Wings

$5 Pitchers (3pm-10pm)

$10 Carafes

Karaoke 9:30-close

Buy Any 2 Pitchers and get a FREE One Topping 18” Pizza (2pm-6pm)

Saturday

$3.99 Spiked Bull

All Week Long! 50 Cent Wings During Any Michigan Team’s Game 4-9 Happy Hour

Buy Any 2 Pitchers and get a FREE One Topping 18” Pizza (2pm-6pm)

Sunday

$3.50 Bloody Mary

Pool Tournaments

$1 Drafts (2pm-10pm)

Monday

$5.99 Burger & Draft Combo

$6 Burger & Brew

$1 Drafts (2pm-10pm)

35 Cent Wings, College Night

$1 Drafts (2pm-10pm)

All Pizzas $10

Flip Night: 3pm-10pm We will flip a coin for your tab! Beer and food both included! Heads you pay, tails we pay. (see in store for details)

SPECIAL NIGHT Thursday Friday

Tuesday Wednesday

Come Check Out Our $5 Lunch Menu!

55 Cent Wings Thursdays! $1 Off Martinis 4pm-close

55 Cent Wings Tuesdays! $1 Off Craft Drafts 4pm-close

$2.25 Glass House Wine & $10 Bottle House Wine


UNDER NEW ! T N E M E G A N A M

DAILY HAPPY HOUR! 4pm TO 6:30pm WITH 20% OFF HOOKAHS

The Bar Grid WEDNESDAYS! 1/2 off all drinks

FRIDAY! Happy Hour ‘til 8pm, DJ Danimal @ 10pm

Happy Hour: Monday-Friday $2.75 20oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Well Drinks

WEDNESDAY: TRIVIA NIGHT! Grab your nerdiest friends and test your smarts to win a GIFTCARD! Starting at 9pm and 10pm $4 Jager Bombs, $3 Tall Labatt Drafts

$1.50 Rolling Rock and Brooklyn Lager Cans, $2 PBR and Miller Highlife Cans, $3 Boddington and Strongbow Cans $5 Vodka Redbulls, $3 Wells, and Sex on the Beach

$4 Long Islands, $3 Domestics, $5 Vodka RedBulls, $6 Sandwich+Beer Special

9pm-Midnight: $2-$3-$2 U-Call-Its $3.99 Boneless Chicken Dinger Platters

$4 Long Islands, $4 Three Olive Bombs, $3 Heineken Bottles

Thursday

3 Floor Friday! Upstairs: $5 Corona and Tequila Shot | Main: $5 Highlight and Whiskey Shot Basement: $5 PBR and Jager Shot

Happy Hour ‘til 8pm, DJ Danimal @ 10pm

9pm-Midnight: $3 Captain Morgan cocktails $3 Pinnacle Flavored Vodka Cocktails

$4 Margaritas $7 Labatt Pitchers

Friday

Any 2 menu items and a bottle of wine or pitcher of beer for $30

Happy Hour ‘til 8pm, Nightly Shot Special

Noon-6pm: $2 Domestic Pints 9pm-Midnight: $3 Long Islands and $5 Bulldozers

$3 Wells, $3.50 Tall Bud Light Drafts

Saturday

Come Check us Out on Wednesday’s for 1/2 off drinks!

Half-off Happy Hour ‘til 8pm, DJ Laudie @ 7pm, $6 Sandwich+Beer Special

Brunch Buffet: 8am-2pm $2.00 Well Drinks All Day

Closed Like Us on Facebook!

Sunday

$1.50 Rolling Rock, PBR, Miller Highlife After 9pm: $2 Select Shots $5 Vodka Redbulls

Come Party at Louie’s!

$2.99 Margaritas All Day! $3.99 Peach/Raspberry/Mango and Banana Margaritas All Day $3.99 Taco Basket

$4 Tall Craft Brews $1 Off All Burgers

Monday

$5 Patron Shots $2.50 Corona/Corona lt. bottles After 9pm: $3 Wells, $2 Domestic Bottles, $1.50 Select Shots

$2 U-Call-Its 9 to Midnight with DJ MattB

9pm-Midnight: $3 U-Call-Its & $3.99 1/2 Burgers Karaoke with Deb from 9pm-1am

$2 Wells, $3 Tall Bud Light

Tuesday

$1.50 High Life, $3 Fireball, $5 Jager Bombs

9pm-Midnight: $4 Martinis $4.99 Pitchers of PBR $3.99 Select Appetizers

TRIVIA NIGHT! Grab your nerdiest friends and test your smarts to win a GIFTCARD! Starting at 9pm and 10pm $4 Jager Bombs $3 Tall Labatt Drafts

Wednesday

1/2 off all drinks

SPECIAL NIGHT


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sonic menu items

Popcorn Chicken Chicago Dog Junior Burger Deluxe Burger Tots Ched R Peppers Onion Rings Cheese Fries Cherry Limeade Breakfast Burrito Bacon Toaster Island Fire Burger Grape CreamSlush Sonic Blast Root Bear Float Peanut Butter Shake Java Chiller Cinnasnacks Turtle Molten Sundae Corndog

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Relationship Status: Single Major: Special Education

BARTENDER

Favorite Drink: Captain and Diet Coke Favorite Shot: Washington apple (Crown Royal, apple schnapps, and cranberry juice)

ROCKSTAR OF THE WEEK

Disgusting Drink: 7 seas (the first 7 things the bartender sees)

Leah Johnson of

Main St. Pub

How often do you have to deal with nudity as part of your job?: I have never had to deal with that, luckily. Other weird things happen though, like someone spitting chewing tobacco at me, I have broken up fights, and chased people out. What’s the best go-to dance move, and why?: Naenae is the new trend coming out. It’s the new

twerk, kind of. Like, what trends do you expect to be totes fetch this spring?: Not saying “totes.”   Who is the best drunk in media history? Why?: Colin Farrell, because he’s a raging Irishman.   What do you want to be when you grow up?: Special education teacher, but if anything, then I want to be rich. That’s it.   The winner of this year’s NCAA Tournament is…: Ummm... I don’t know. Who the F cares?   What’s the most sensuous thing about the lost art of sensuality?: I don’t do art.   Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it’s funny, people need a break from stress sometimes.

RECIPE for DISASTER

DRINKING GAME Pennies

Cheesy Taco Buns

Look, laundry week really socked it to ya, and it’s not like you’re breaking into numismatic collection just to entertain your roommates. Pennies, it is! Stack ‘em up and have at it.

We’re going to take a wild guess here and assume you’re still hungover from spring break, yes? After all those long, hard hours of getting swole at the gym and not putting ranch on everything, your sexy bod is now a gallon of digesting tequila and inauthentic Mexican food. Don’t beat yourself up, just think about everything LiLo has gone through. So since you don’t need to have a bikini body for another two months, treat yourself with more cheese and more carbs.

What You’ll Need: Pennies. Lots and lots of pennies. Number of Players: Two Level of Intoxication: Hey, Lincoln indulged in a belt of whiskey once in a while. How to Play: - Both players assemble a stack of ten pennies in front of them. - Players take turns sliding pennies across the table, attempting to knock down his opponent’s stack. - Each time a player fails to knock down his opponent’s stack, add that penny to the top of the opponent’s stack. - If a player misses his opponent’s stack entirely, he must drink one. - If a player hits his opponent’s stack but fails to knock it over, he must drink two drinks. - If the penny used by the shooter stops and remains in contact with his opponent’s stack, the shooter must drink three drinks. - If a player manages to topple his opponent’s stack, the loser must drink the same number of drinks as there are pennies on the winner’s stack. The Game Ends When: John Wilkes Booth shows up. : (((((((((((((((((

What You Need: 1 tube of biscuit dough, 1lb. ground beef, 1 packet of taco seasoning, 1/2 cup of salsa, 1 (or much, much more) cup shredded cheddar cheese, 1 8oz. package of cream cheese, 4 tablespoons melted butter. Cook Time: All in all, about 30 minutes. Enough time to do some squats. Fatty Factor: You will definitely feel it in your buns.  Let’s Get Baked: - Cook up the ground beef, making sure to drain the grease every now and again. - Add the taco seasoning as directed on the packet. - In a bowl, mix together the salsa and cream cheese. - On a greased baking sheet, roll out the biscuits so they are flat and somewhat thin. - Spread about 1 tbsp. of the cream cheese mixture onto the biscuit. - Put a spoonful of ground beef onto the cream cheese mixture. - Finally, sprinkle a bit of shredded cheese on top.  - Seal the edges, and brush the tops of biscuits with melted butter. - Bake at 350 degrees for 13-16 minutes, or until tops are lightly browned. - Optional: Dip that shit in ranch, you deserve it. Why go to a third-world country for a butt implant when you can just eat, like, 1000 of these?

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Taco Bell Menu Flops: Past and Present

Taco Bell Menu Flops: Past and Present dan mirabelli wrote this Over the decades, Taco Bell has been known for introducing many ambitious products, and while some reached great success and satiated many a stoner, their risky menu items haven’t always been hits. In honor of the release of the new Taco Bell Breakfast Menu on March 27th, The Black Sheep looks back on failed Taco Bell menu items.

INTRODUCING:

THE FIRST MEAL As Taco Bell’s most recent attempt at breakfast, the fast food chain had to cook up some truly exciting items to stand out in the crowd and overshadow their past failures. With items like the Waffle Taco and the A.M. Crunchwrap, Taco Bell has already drummed up excitement among its fan base. But will they conquer the masses, or will they join the long line of discontinued tortilla-wrapped trash?

THE WAFFLE TACO

The Waffle Taco is exactly what it sounds like, but its most controversial feature is that it is doused in maple syrup. Waffles are not exactly known for being syrup retardant, and within minutes this seemingly glorious creation will be a soggy and sticky mess. We predict that many a customer will order this item to go, only to cover their steering wheel in syrup and ruin their shirt before they even make it to work. Mondays, right Garfield?

A.M. CRUNCHWRAP

Preliminary nutrition reports show that the A.M. Crunchwrap will contain 1250 milligrams of sodium, over half the recommended amount per day for adults under 51. That’s right, you can knock out half your sodium intake for the day for less than $3 before 7 a.m., now that is efficiency at its finest.


Taco Bell Menu Flops: Past and Present

THE FIRST TRY AT BREAKFAST

THE BELL BEEFER

While many fan reacted to news of a new Taco Bell breakfast menu with enthusiasm and anticipation, most do not know that Taco Bell made a previous attempt in the past to launch a successful breakfast menu. In the 1990s, Taco Bell asked their patrons to “Make a Run for The Border for Breakfast,” however the menu mostly left people making a run for the bathroom. The menu included items like the Double Bacon Egg Burrito and tater-tot-esque potato chunks. Fans of the breakfast menu described the eggs as “Pretty darn good, you can barely tell that they’re instant!”

In the mid-1980s before Taco Bell thought outside the bun, they had an item that had a bun. For some reason Taco Bell executives decided that simply adhering to “Mexican” food was holding the restaurant back from its true potential, so the Bell Beefer was introduced. Consisting of a more-than-healthy serving of taco meat, shredded cheese, lettuce, and chunks of tomato, Taco Bell burst onto the burger scene. However, the Bell Beefer was essentially a shitty sloppy joe. Being so sloppy, it ruined one too many pairs of parachute pants before it was discontinued.

TACO BELL FRIES Yes that’s right, fries… from Taco Bell. Intriguing, yes. Tasty, hell no. Taking a page from their popular Nacho Supreme menu item, some dingbat in upper management decided that making Fries Supreme was a good idea in the late 1990s. And in a result that came out of left field, the fries were not a hit. Apparently people don’t enjoy having their crummy fries covered in ground beef and sour cream, who could’ve guessed?

SEAFOOD SALAD

If this list has taught you anything, it is to “enjoy” Taco Bell’s menu items as much as you can, because you can never know when your favorite fart-inducing pile of horsemeat will be discontinued. So get to your closest Taco Bell and suck down some ground bacon and instant eggs before they’re gone. But remember to download the new level of that iPhone game you play, because you’ll be spending some extra time on the crapper. And don’t forget to bring a net so you can fish your colon out of the toilet bowl when you’re finished.

Because you can’t have only four items on a menu and odd numbers are the cat’s pajama’s, Taco Bell decided to make one item and pretend that it was two different ones. Boasting eggs, bacon, and cheese, these items are exactly the same except for one key difference. One is a cylindrical, and the other is a semi-circle. This exact item was on the first attempt at breakfast, but the second time’s the charm.

SIZZLIN’ BACON

Back in 1995, the head honchos at Taco Bell realized that the taco empire was missing a key ingredient from its Mexican cuisine: Bacon. In order to fill the glaring hole in their lineup, a bacon-centric sub-menu was released that incorporated bacon into 3 menu items. However Taco Bell was ahead of it’s time, and the bacon craze had not entered full swing. For this reason, and the small detail that the “bacon” tasted like awful ham, the Sizzlin’ Bacon Menu didn’t last very long.

BLT TACO: Another venture that Taco Bell took in the mid 1980s was the ill-fated Seafood Salad. Created to oppose the Filet-O-Fish, the Seafood Salad included black olives, lettuce, tomato, bay shrimp, white fish, and snow crab. Unfortunately these ingredients tasted far from fresh, and the refrigeration techniques in the 1980s weren’t up to snuff. Due to this and multiple near-lethal food poisoning occurrences, Taco Bell was forced to pull the Seafood Salad from their menu.

BREAKFAST BURRITO AND A.M. GRILLED TACO

THROWBACK MENU:

Consisting of bacon, lettuce, tomato, club sauce, and cheddar cheese, the BLT Taco perfectly followed the classic recipe of the BLT. Unfortunately it was unable to attain the success and glory of its namesake, because what type of person walks into a Taco Bell and thinks to themselves “Huh, screw those MexiMelts, I came here for a damn BLT. “ Not a single person on the planet is that stupid, so as quickly as the BLT Taco appeared on the scene, it disappeared.

BACON CHEESEBURGER BURRITO: Unlike the Bell Beefer, this menu item attempted to put the burger into the burrito. But once again, customers realized that instead of eating a bizarre cheeseburgerand-bacon concoction, they could go down the street and buy something better from a restaurant that actually makes their money from making burgers.

CINNABON® DELIGHTS™

It is quite literally impossible to even try to make fun of these. They are going to be delicious, maybe even delightful, and you will surely eat far more than what is healthy for the average person. Actually, eating only one is probably not healthy for you, but what the hell. Sometimes you just gotta treat yourself.

CHICKEN CLUB BURRITO:

In addition to having bacon, this burrito had chicken, lettuce, tomato, and a ranch-like sauce. Why was this delicious-sounding burrito taken off the menu? Because it was atrocious. Chicken. From Taco Bell. In the 1990s. Wanna talk about salmonella? You’d have to wash out you mouth with Purell after every bite, but there’s one problem with that. Purell HADN’T EVEN BEEN INVENTED YET.


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FILM BANK

1.) Noah 2.) American Gangster 3.) Cinderella Man 4.) Les Misérables

5.) Gladiator 6.) Robin Hood 7.) A Beautiful Mind 8.) 3:10 to Yuma 9.) Romper Stomper


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Grand Valley - Issue 6 - 3/27/2014  
Grand Valley - Issue 6 - 3/27/2014  

Grand Valley - Issue 6 - 3/27/2014

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